Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - Behind the Seams (and Sketches) Pt. 2

Episode Date: August 30, 2019

Linda Ciarimboli has worked in the Costume Department for Conan for years. Linda joins Conan writers Mike Sweeney and Jessie Gaskell to talk about her work on the Comic-Con shows, the Mascots That Shouldn’t Dunk sketches, as well as her work on many films such as Batman Returns. Then, Conan writer Andres du Bouchet joins Mike and Jessie to talk about sometimes starting with an accent for a character he’d like to perform, his idea for a sitcom featuring characters that have appeared on Conan, and the cut “Broda” sketch for Comic-Con.This episode is brought to you by Vital Farms (www.vitalfarms.com/coupon).Check out Conan Without Borders: Australia: https://teamcoco.com/australiaCheck out Conan25: The Remotes: https://conan25.teamcoco.com/Got a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone] and e-mail us at [e-mail] For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com

And now, it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Hello. Hi, how are you? Oh, are you talking to me or the audience? I don't know. Okay. I'm staring at a wall and talking. Hi, Jess.

Hi, Sweeney. My name's Mike Sween know. I'm staring at a wall and talking. Hi, Jess. Hi, Sweeney. My name's Mike Sweeney. I'm Jessi Gaskell. And we're writers on The Conan Show, and this is Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. And we are talking about things that happen here at The Conan Show, and oftentimes, things that don't happen at The Conan Show. We're both at, we're a little strung out right now. We're a little strung out right now We're a little strung out We were in Greenland We were in Greenland

You know, weekend trip Just a getaway Exploring whether it's a good weekend Place to have a house Jaunt, yeah We were there for only two and a half days We came back We left on Wednesday night of last week

And we got back Saturday night. Right. And Sunday we came in to start editing Conan in Greenland. We've been editing every day around the clock to get it down to an hour special that we're screening for an audience tomorrow.

Tomorrow, yeah. So there's no place to hide. Yeah. Have to get it done. It has to be done. Yeah. We're bl hide. Yeah. I have to get it done. It has to be done. Yeah. We're blithering. Or I have to leave the country. Right.

And move to Greenland. That's right. Where no one will find me. I mean, that was an exciting trip. We'll talk about the trip next week. Right. We're going to do a show about the Greenland show. So don't nary you worry.

Yes. Well, everything that is Greenland will be discussed. Yeah. Because we have a lot of fans in Greenland. But I will explain. We'll apologize in advance for being a little tired, a little tie-tied. Yeah. We'll work through it.

Yeah, it'll be great. Yeah. Especially because we're interviewing somebody exciting. Very exciting. We have a great, great first guest on today's show. She works in the costume department here at Conan. Yes. And has a storied career in Hollywood.

We were tipped off about it by Scott Cronick, our head of wardrobe, who told us. Yes, the head tie investigator. Yes, about what an illustrious career our first guest has had. Yeah. And without further ado, let's introduce Linda. Help me with your last name. Ah, Ceremboli. Ceremboli.

Oh, my God. I was going to give it a ch, a Ceremboli, but it's not. I'm such a coward. I was like, I'm not attempting that surname. Hi, Linda. Hello. How are you today? Good.

It's good to be here. Thank you. Linda, you came in your work smock, and I love that it has a big glittery pocket on it. Did you design this? Yeah, actually. And this is Scott's barbecue fabric. Scott, our wardrobe. Scott, our wardrobe.

What is barbecue fabric? Oh, I made a cover for Orange is his color Everybody in the department Bruce was pink Scott's orange And I'm green or purple So Scott got a big barbecue at his last house

And I made a big pig placket On the front of his barbecue cover And some pig serving plates That's great Sparkly orange. So when you do wardrobe, is that a normal thing? Like everyone knows each other's favorite color? Kind of, yes.

I love that. That's great. Yeah. No one's asked me that since fifth grade. What if somebody has the same color as someone who already works there? They don't get hired? You get to pick another color. Oh.

Oh, it's like baseball players with numbers that are already taken. So what's yours? Blue. You have two. You have two. Green and purple. All right. Cool.

Cool. All primary colors? No. Oh, no. Not purple. Not even close. Secondary colors. Green's not a primary color either.

Oh, it's not. Oh, you make it from yellow and blue. Secondary. Linda, how long not? Oh, you make it from yellow and blue. Secondary. And Linda, how long have you been working for Coded? I worked on the Universal lot for The Tonight Show originally. And then I've been on this show since before the show started. Wow. Okay, great.

Do you have any memories that stick out the most, like the most challenging job you had to tackle here? This one? Oh, I don't know. Pick one. There's been a lot of them. Mostly it's the timeframe that we get to do something, which is usually something that might take two months at another shop. We get a day and a half or two days to do. But you know, the good thing is that you don't have to do it forever. It's a really short period of time when it's done. And then you have two free months. No, two free minutes.

Or we ask for more ridiculous things. But I mean, I like it. I like the challenge. I like that you have to think spatially. I don't get time to make patterns. I basically just have to cut the foam and stick it together and do the whole 3D in my head. Oh, wow. And measurements. Sometimes I build it in a little bit of cardboard for Scott to say,

yeah, that works, or make this bigger, make that smaller, and then just do it. So you eliminate all these steps, but because of all your experience, you can just picture it in your head. Well, I'm spoiled for life. I never can go back to couture. Some hot gluing thing. Right. Not with that barbecue apron. You will not be going back to couture with that.

Well, and you guys get especially slammed around times like Comic-Con, where we'll have 20 costume orders. Yeah, so we're working hard. We have maybe worked 21 days straight up before we actually leave for Comic-Con. Oh, wow. So we've had the last four 4th of Julys, we've had barbecue in the green room. Oh, no. Really?

Yes. That's a fire hazard. No, no. We bring it in, but that's been our 4th of July because we've been here working every 4th of July. Oh, wow. Oh, boy. But no, it that's been our 4th of July because we've been here working every 4th of July. Oh, wow. Oh, boy. But no, it's okay. No hosting, no cleanup.

Just throw it all in the trash. Yeah, I'm going to start coming to this barbecue. Yeah. So we go down to Comic-Con, and we're already mindless on our last brain cell. Wow. And then we're down at Comic-Con. But this year was actually the easiest one we've ever had. And we found a bathroom in the garage that didn't smell bad.

Oh. Things are looking up. Yes. It only took four years. Wow. In the garage. What a treat for you. Well, there are a lot of perks with the job.

I remember two years ago, maybe, it's a character we did a few times, but there was a new iteration of it. It was Mr. Fantastic. Yeah. You're giving me the sign of the devil. Yes. With incredibly long arms and legs. Yeah. The legs.

He keeps getting bigger every year. He does. More fantastic every year. He does. More fantastic every year. I think this year they pitched that he was on the outside of the building with legs going all the way from the top of the building to the ground. Yeah, the legs and arms are like 40 feet long. I don't think people would imagine that. And we had to tether everybody, get safety harnesses and tether people to the roof, I think was what, the final thing that didn't happen. Right. Because we couldn't lose our customers before we even did our first show

for falling off the roof. That was the problem. That was the problem. That's why it didn't go down the shelf. That's an issue. Yeah. There might be some OSHA violations in there. Wow.

Okay. violations in there but uh wow okay so how i mean you how do you where do you even start laying out foam for something like that well luckily scott i've worked for a lot of designers scott knows what he wants and it's not like a lot of designers you got to give them 99 things before they see the one thing and they'll say that's what i had in mind but scott knows what he wants and elizabeth does fabulous illustrations and when i get the picture i know what he they'll say, that's what I had in mind. But Scott knows what he wants. And Elizabeth does fabulous illustrations. And when I get the picture, I know what they want, right? So it's easy to just take that and work with it. So Scott comes up with a concept.

He describes it to Elizabeth. And she does fabulous Photoshop drawings. They're incredible drawings. Okay, yeah. And then do you give feedback on those? And then is that when you see them? Yeah, when I first get them, we have a meeting and I give them a supply list.

I write them a supply list for everything. And then I go and see this. We have this, we don't have that, but we need this. And so then they bring that stuff to me and I start making patterns. Wow. And do you ever go, oh, I can't, no, this is. That's not an option.

I just like to hear it. That's amazing an option. I just like to hear it. That's amazing. And you're literally super gluing stuff together a lot of times. Super glue, hot glue. Some of it's tape, some of it's wire, some of it's zip ties. I know. It's like down and dirty, but, you know. It only has to stay together for a few minutes.

Then a writer comes in and goes, that's not what I was thinking of. Yeah. How often are there creative differences where, I don't know. Not really. Not our department is pretty cohesive. Yeah. You know, as long as we know what it's supposed to do, then, you know, we know what needs to be stronger and it doesn't matter. Or, you know, I know that Conan doesn't like water on the stage,

so we try to make sure that whatever we do. He's like a cat. It has to all be very well sealed. That goes back to the time on The Tonight Show where he was running into the studio. It was a mock race with Terry Hatcher and the live part. They came running down the steps and there was a big debate. Do we wet them down to match the pre-tape? Because they're soaking wet in the pre-tape.

It's like, oh yeah, wet them down and match them. What's the downside? I think we know where this is going. He was concussed. Oh. Yeah, it was rough. Was that actually on the air? No.

No. Ooh, scraps. I mean, he was fine by later that night, but at the moment, it was a little scary. Yeah. Yeah. Ugh. Another segment that puts a lot of strain on the costume department is mascots that shouldn't dunk.

We actually like the mascots. You like those? I mean, the time frame is a little difficult sometimes. Yeah, because we'll send it out, and then we want 12 costumes made, and they're all, like, super elaborate. It'll be like a chest of ikea drawers that's falling apart right and it has clothes falling out yeah yeah and it'll be a lot of times we'll ask for something that is intentionally supposed to fall apart during their run up to the dunk well some of

the hardest things we have are they defy physics. Like it's one person here and there's six feet of stuff to the left and nothing to the right. And it doesn't fit in the space that we had. We have more space now, but before we didn't have very much space to get the costumes in and turned around. You mean backstage? Yeah. To position them and get them ready to go. Things bigger than what fit into the entryway to the stage. Are you saying writers don't have good spatial awareness?

Well, now we've got a big old ramp, so we can have the biggest thing you want on that stage now. Oh, well, good to know. That's right when we stopped doing them. I know, we did stop doing them. Baskats at Kid Dunk. Perfect. Perfect synergy.

That's great. And I'm just curious to talk to you about, you're kind of famous for your- Yes. Everybody, your email you send out to the entire staff. Yeah, you- Occasionally. You are one of the only people that sends these company-wide emails. Yes. And it's to sell eggs.

To sell eggs. Yeah, look, here, see? My chickens buy me lunch every day. Wait. And I want to know, because I don't, so did I end up getting unsubscribed from the list? No, we're underground now. Oh. Because I would like eggs still.

Okay. Well, then just email me. Why were your egg email, they were driven underground? No, I just have a bunch of clients that always come and catch me in the hallway. So that's sort of my. Wow. Now, these are people who are too lazy to go to a store. No, they're really good eggs.

They're special eggs. They're organic, free range. And they're massive. They're blue and green and pink. Wow. How many chickens do you have? I have 12, 13 chickens, nine full-size and 3 bantam. And how about how many eggs do they lay

every day? Depends on the season, but I can get a dozen eggs a day. Wow. A dozen eggs a day. How long have you been cultivating these eggs? Since before I came back down here. When I started the show, I lived in Ojai. I had a mountaintop in

Ojai. Oh, you commuted from Ojai? I know, 87 miles one way. I wanted to wait and to see if the job would stick before I'd be back in to the Los Angeles orbit. Wait, was that for The Tonight Show? Well, I worked for The Tonight Show for a while, and then it was mostly alterations, which was like I'd rather stab an ice pick in my ear than do alterations on a daily basis. So, I found a person for Bruce and Scott and those guys. You knew to stay in the mountain during the TV show.

Well, I was going to say she stayed there even for the beginning of the TV show, it Well, it took a while. I was like, okay, this is going to go. So, I decided and then I sold that ranch and then I bought another ranch that's in Altadena up in the National Forest. Oh, I love Altadena. Oh, wow. What else do you have on your ranch?

I have about 25 goats, an alpaca. Oh, my God. And meat rabbits and quail. Meat rabbits? Yeah. So rabbits raised for consumption. Correct. Yeah.

Who do you sell those to? Is that another underground thing? Well, kind of. I have a bunch of clients that, it's weird. I have like religious heads that come to me to buy things. And then I have people who are cancer patients that come and buy raw milk from me. Oh, yeah. Like they're in chemo and they take the raw organic stuff is better for them health-wise.

Yeah. So I have a lot of clients that are that sort of way. I trade a lot of people come and shovel goat poop out of my pen and bring me produce for it. Wow. It was better than turning water to wine. So honestly, when the apocalypse comes, I'm coming to your ranch. Is that okay?

Do you have old wardrobe, like costumes lying around the ranch? No, I don't do anything unless it's sold already. I can't. I mean, okay. Yeah. I can't say this. I'll get in trouble. Oh.

Well, we're not recording any of this. I have a Batwoman costume from the original. Oh, cool. Really? Yeah, a Batgirl. Wow. From the ABC TV show. No, from the movie. Oh, from the movie. Okay. That Batgirl. Wow. From the ABC TV show? Uh-huh. No, from the movie.

Oh, from the movie. Okay. Wow. Alicia Silverstone. That's amazing. Amazing. How cool. So you're not supposed to have it, so you don't even talk about it?

Yes. I just wear it at Halloween. Oh. Oh, it fits. Oh, that's great. I would wear it all the time I think yeah

every night when I get home the heels this high their thigh boots is it like pleather what's the it's like a neoprene some of it's this really like one mil neoprene

most of the body so it really sucks you in yeah yeah that's nice then this is like corset uh huh fabric

and then it has a leather corset that cranks out. Oh, amazing. How long does that take to slink into? It takes about a half hour, and you have to have somebody else. Yeah. Because you can't get the corset to go in the back. Wow. It takes two people.

Do you ever just walk around the ranch playing Catwoman? No, sorry. Don't do that. It's Batwoman. Oh, Batwoman? No, sorry. Don't do that. It's Batwoman. Oh, Batwoman. I'm sorry. I've been out there with a chainsaw and pearls, but I haven't really. I do want to ask you one question before we go to, because I think we should talk about your other movies that you've worked on.

Have you ever been approached by a family of young hippies to live on your ranch? Like the Manson family. No. I have two Airbnb apartments. Oh, okay. And the one is in the barn. I have a barn. It's a five-horse barn, and I turned one end of it into an apartment.

And I just got a call from Spain, from Airbnb, that they want me to cultivate doing a weekend experience where people come and stay. Oh, yeah. And they learn how to milk goats and then make cheese. I love that's part of what you raise on a ranch now are vacation rentals. Whoa. It's fantastic. And would the Batgirl costume be included in the weekend experience?

Maybe. Okay. A private show. A real Hollywood ranch. So, yeah, we can teach people how to make bread, yogurt, milk, cheese. I brew beer. Oh, cool. Wine.

How's your beer and wine? It's pretty good. Does it taste good? It's pretty good. Wow. I got it. We have to get on your list. I need to get on this list.

I know. Meat rabbits, sign me up. I built this poultry pen back behind the barn. I had to build it, like, bulletproof because we have bear, mountain lion, rattlesnakes up there. So, bears. Oh, wow. Yeah, you're basically a bear buffet up there. A 500-pound bear can sit on top of the poultry pen and not kill, you know.

Yeah. So, but I want to, maybe when I retire or maybe a little before, emus and ostrich. Yeah. But I want to, maybe when I retire or maybe a little before, emus and ostrich. Yeah. Because the eggs are like 100 bucks a piece. What? Yeah. Oh, my God. And they lay 300 a year.

That's a cash cow. That's what I'm thinking. Cash cow that can kick you in the head. Oh, my God. Why are you working? It's still working here. What's wrong with you? You could retire on these eggs. You you in the head. Oh, my God. Why are you working? He's still working here. What's wrong with you? You could retire on these eggs.

You could buy the show with egg money. Well, it's about 50-50 right now. So, I've got two, two and a half more years until I retire. And I've sort of said with Scott, if it goes beyond, I'll come in and do the costumes because I love the mind, you know, the mind challenge of it. The 3D-ness of it. Yes, all of it. You know, it just keeps you from getting old in the head. Maybe you can make costumes for your emus.

We actually, we had some of that. Where was it, in New York or something? They made lingerie for an ostriches. That rings a bell. I mean, there was an ostrich character way back on Late Night. And it tried to kick Scott, I think he said. Oh, wow. You mean the person inside the costume?

No, no, this was a real ostrich. Oh, a real one? Yes. And the costume came back. The ostrich made a mess all over the G-string. And it came back with a little tag that says, File this in the shit-stained ostrich costume section. But you didn't keep that one.

No. You didn't keep the ostrich G-string. So this is just a warm-up for you. You have an incredible, well, you mentioned the Batgirl costume. You've worked on an incredible number of films as well as television shows, right? It's true. Mostly film for a very long time. The last thing I did was G.I. Joe in Prague before I came back to the show,

and that was right when Bruce was looking for someone to help with this show. And I said, sure, why not? And that was in Prague. Yeah, we shot Prague for Paris, the whole like, the car chase scene and all that stuff. The way Albuquerque is standing for LA sometimes. It was wonderful. The restaurants and stuff there, you know, you can go and have a beer in a place where people have been drinking for 1,200 years. Right.

Underground three stories. It's an amazing place. That's great. Yeah so so that was interesting i think the first really big one i worked on was hook oh yeah and i did the stuff for the beautiful costumes yeah that was a crazy thing we actually were working they moved us around a lot a lot it was on um it was like what columbia at that time okay and we were on the sound stage where the poppy fields were for The Wizard of Oz. Oh. And so we were on one side making all the – I did the Lost Boys costumes, all the coconut stuff and all that sort of stuff.

Oh, wow. Awesome. And then on the other side of the stage were all the sailmakers. They brought in all these drunken old sailmakers who were making all the rigging for the ships, for the pirate ships. Wait, they were actually drunk? They got old sailors to make the sails? Yeah, they were out there with these sewing machines making the sails for it. That's so authentic.

So we were there for a while, and then I guess we had to move from that stage on to another one. And then it was like a setup similar to what we have, too, two Baba Yaga huts up on stilts, you know, with a little boardwalk in between that we were working on the set. Wait, Baba Yaga hut? I'm glad you asked. Oh, it's an old Russian thing. It's a woman lived in a hut that was on two bird legs. Oh, cool.

It kind of moved around a little bit. Yeah. Anyway, we were on set sewing with all that stuff, but we had to do, then there was like six, I want to say six months of filming, and they took the soundstage where they had done the Esther Williams underwater, you know, like all those movies. Right. So it had a big.

There's a big tank. Pool, a big pool underneath. So that's where they built the whole pirate ship thing. The lagoon. Yeah. Well, there was two of them. Okay. So this was when the ships, the back end of

the ship and sort of like a lot of like the ship stuff there. There was another one that was more the village. And so they would go in at five o'clock in the morning and they used all these Vietnam War vets that had legs, real legs missing and things like that. And you'd go in in the fog and the mist because it was over like by the marina. And they were like all of these guys laying against the wall waiting to get dressed. And they'd get all dressed and go in. And they put them on the boats. And then that let them off for hours and hours.

Well, yeah, how can you get off? They were peeing into the water. It was like, oh, my goodness. It got a little rough there by the end of the time. There were six of us. No wonder the sailors were drunk. Well, this is a Robert Altman film, right? And who is that?

Did you ever work on another film with him? Because wasn't he kind of- Steven Spielberg was the director. Oh, he was? Yeah. Oh, I'm totally wrong. Oh, this is Hook. Hook.

I'm thinking of Popeye. No, this is a hook so but like the the pirate guys would get together and they would steal or commandeer the little golf carts on the lot and they would go

and go and drive up and down the streets and then they would just grab women off the streets and pull them onto the carts

and kid them all they were really plundering yeah oh my god they were in they wanted to stay in character

they were and so wardrobe always would come in. We had to wait to get everybody's costumes. That's where the last ones to go to the commissary. And there was no food left ever because they would eat everything. So I was like, oh, wow. And so because there were so many people, the craft service was awful.

Wow. Because they would come and just put things in their pockets. Yeah, I mean, they're hungry. That's when you started raising eggs. Hungry pirates. I'm going to have to feed myself. So there were pots of hot dogs that had been on this whatever plate for so long that they had split from both ends and curled back on themselves.

And then there was another thing where they had a microwave where they let you cook a potato, and then you put it in the microwave and come back. Because this was a long time ago. The microwave took 15 minutes to cook a potato. You come back, somebody already stolen it. And then there were eggs, pickled eggs with the scum on top. So we were just like, okay, we can't do this. So we ordered pizzas out.

And the pizza guy, well, this was before 9-11, so the pizza guy could actually come to the sound stage and deliver and you would have to you're touching all the bases we always end up at 9-11 it always comes back to that well we had to pay the guards like when you order a pizza because the pizza would come and anybody else would go and take it and pay for it and buy it so wow so you would have to pay the guard so that when the pizza came that you would actually get the pizza. Wow, those pirates, they were grabbing women, stealing pizzas.

Yes, it was really pretty funny. Wow. I can't believe you haven't written a behind-the-scenes expose of Hook yet. You've got the secrets. You were there for six months. Yeah, I know. It was pretty wild. I mean, it was good.

That was like my first major film. Oh, wow. That's amazing. How fun. And then the guy that I worked with on that was the one that went and did the Ted show. He's passed since. But he was a force of nature. He was six foot five with dyed red hair, cut in shingles, and fake acrylic nails, long fake acrylic

nails. He was quite his type, right? And he would wear dashikis to work because he was huge, 350 or something like that. I mean, that seems pretty common for a costume department person, right? So I started working with Ted, and he's the one that took me to the first Batman, the Michael Keaton Catwoman movie. The best Batman. And we did all the hats for the party scene for that movie. Oh, cool.

In the original Batman? Yeah, in the original. Well, was it the one? It was Catwoman. It was Batman Returns. Right, right, right. The first one they did in England at Pinewood Studios, and then this one they did here. This is the one with the penguin, did in England at Pinewood Studios. And then this one they did here. And then.

This is the one with the penguin too, right? Yes. Yeah. And where the costume, whatever the costume museum on the lot here is, that's where our shop was on the second story up there. Wow. Oh, cool. And the downstairs was just this, I don't know, where they would store things, a big empty thing. And that's where your Batwoman costume should be.

Well, we came in in the morning, like 5 o'clock in the morning, and there were cats and coyotes were running around on the lot. And I remember one time I was trying to go and unlock the door, and there was this raccoon just standing there hissing at me on the lot. Oh, wow. I've seen raccoons on this lot. They live in the sets. They do. Yeah. In the rafters.

And it would get to be, like, as soon as it hit 101 degrees in our shop, because we had windows we could open, but no air conditioning or anything. And Ted Shell would say,

we're standing there, you know, like, white socks on and sweat just run down your legs and it would fill up your socks. So he said, whenever it hit 101 degrees,

we would go to this theater in, what's the big Hollywood theater? El Capitan? Yeah. And watch Fantasia and Ted would just like lay on the cement of the floor in the theater and fall asleep.

Wow, you guys know how to party. Horrible conditions. Let's see. Smelly toilets in the garage. That's gorgeous. Curled up hot dogs. Sweat filling your socks. Yeah, so it really, it's kind of like a sweatshop. You guys know.

It was definitely a sweatshop there. But, I mean, it was fun. You know, we would do all kinds of crazy stuff. Yeah. Do you ever do, like, would you be right there to do repairs during the shooting? Like a hold up? Yeah. We have a bustier breaking open.

Always. All the time. So on the other one, that was the first Batman movie I did. And the next ones I went to, I actually ran the shop for making the suits for the Batman, the Robin, the Batgirl. Oh, awesome. All that kind of stuff. Oh, wow.

Yeah, I saw on IMDb your credit is listed as Bat Shop. Yeah. So you were in the Bat Shop. I interfaced with the mold department and the casting and all that stuff, the foam running. Pouring molds, not the spores, right? Yes, yes, the pouring molds. Because we had some of the ovens were the size of this room, like big enough to drive a Volkswagen. Where we would put the molds for the foam.

And what does it actually make? What do you pour in there? Foam latex. Oh, cool. So it was about a three-month process. We'd do a body cast of the person, and then Jose, the guy that did the suit. The Conan superhero suit.

He would do all the sculpting of the muscles on top of the body suit, the body form. And then they would, sorry, they'd make a mold of that and then do an injection into the space and then have to put it in and cook it. Were these custom built? And how did they do the nipples? Oh, that was a Joel Schumacher thing. Oh, okay. Yeah, there was a big deal about whether that was going to happen or not happen.

It wasn't going to be on Batgirl. Right. So, yeah. Luckily. Yes. Bob Ringwood, he and Joel just spat all the time. And Bob knew that Joel didn't like the smell of popcorn. What?

Who doesn't like the smell of popcorn? Who's Joel? Joel Schumacher? Oh, no, but who's the other one? Bob Ringwood was the designer that did all the bets. Oh, Bob Ringwood. He's English. So he would make sure that popcorn was being popped in the shop any time that

Joel would come over. Very subtle. Very subtle. So, I mean, it was interesting. Warner Brothers at that time used to have two buildings that were right across from the airport where they had one was a design shop where they made all the tailoring stuff like the Joker costumes or the Riddler costumes. And then across the street was where they did all the foam and molding. And I don't know if it's still there, if they still have it. But we did like movie after movie after movie there for a long time. And they had these costumes.

Yeah, but once you have these latex ovens built, you might as well. It's hard to switch to being a pizzeria. And we used to make like 100 bat suits to get through a movie. So you would have some of them were like driving costumes that were just from the waist up. And then we would take a drill and core out a bunch of holes in the back so that it wouldn't be so hot.

I mean all the actors any actor who's ever been in a bat thinks it's a great idea when they first start and then after they wear the costume like one or twice and they're like I really like it. Michael Keaton didn't like that they just pulled the hair plugs out.

Oh yay! And Val Coomer hated wearing it so much that his stunt double actually got the mouth down and was actually at some point even doing lines. Oh, my God. Wow. I was wondering about that. So anytime the acting is good, it's actually the double. Uh-huh. So there were, we had, so we had a lot of different actors that would do different things, like acrobatic tumbling, flying, just playing stunts, or kick fighting. So they all had their own.

They all had their own costumes. And plus they all just sort of break down. And I know that that's been happening a little bit with the Conan thing. And he was thinking, because it was getting tight on him. And that's what happens. It's just like an old rubber band. They get tight. Oh.

They stop stretching. That's what you told him. Yeah. No, but it's true. It's true. They get stiff. So you have to turn them over all the time. Oh, my gosh.

Well, you have to wear it like you do. You have to wear the costume. You have to wear it all the time. To make sure it doesn't shrink. Yeah. Or you store it in a moist, dark area. A cave. That's why.

There you go, the cave. I love it. Okay. Oh, my gosh. That's all fantastic. I think we have to leave it at just talking about the Batman movies you worked on. Wait, you also worked on Waterworld. I saw that.

Waterworld? I worked on Waterworld and Postman. So, I was down on a Kevin Costner phase. Kevin Costner phase. Yes. Ooh. So, you've probably touched the butts of a number of Hollywood leading men. I guess you would call that just about any movie with a man in it, yeah.

Yeah, you really get up in there. Demolition Man, Batman, Superman. Yeah, you really get up in there. Demolition Man, Fat Man, Superman. I was in Australia for a year on the Brendan Routh Superman. Okay. A year. Yeah, a year in Sydney on the pier at Woolloomooloo at the W. Okay. I like that one.

Wow. What a way to see the warehouses of the world yes well actually that was nice because the studio there used to be

the fairgrounds and the one in Australia the Fox studio used to be the fairgrounds so we were in the cow barn when we were doing the show

over there the Superman and they only had one building that was big enough to do the flying stuff because you have to get you know put the ram outside the building And they only had one building that was big enough to do the flying stuff. Because you have to put the ram outside the building to get the speed going fast enough.

Oh, yeah. And then you have enough room to stop before you slam the actor into the wall on the other side. Yeah. So now they probably don't even do any of that anymore, right? It's all just CGI. Well, a lot of CGI, they've got these cameras now on tiny little things that'll go around. But on the end of the Superman, that was hard for us because there was no place the camera didn't go. You know, when he was flying by, it actually then went back, you know, and you could see up. There was no place to hide anything.

No. Wow. Nothing, wires. Oh, yeah. No. Wow. Nothing wires. Oh, wow. Have you ever worked on like a small independent movie and just like try to foam everyone up? They should be wearing foam on this dating scene. Little Miss Sunshine. Right, exactly.

I don't know. Midnight Meat Train. That was probably one of them. What is that? Is that a porn? No, it's a low-budget horror movie. Midnight Meat Train? Yeah.

Rabbit. Wow. I'm going to check that out. Yeah, I know. I assume it's on Netflix. Well, thank you very much. I know, Linda. We're going to have to have you back to tell more stories.

This was awesome. And find out what other costumes you've stolen. Yeah. Wait, did you say ghost stories? Goat stories. Oh, goat stories. Well, I do want to get eggs soon. Yeah. Wait, did you say ghost stories? Goat stories. Oh, goat stories. Well, I do want to get eggs soon.

Okay. Go to. Okay. Thank you so much, Linda. All right. Thank you. So this is an intervention to get you to be later

for things. Oh, look, just sound as sexy as possible. You do have a really good radio voice. Did you ever do radio? No. Like in college or anything? No, no, no.

I spent college just sitting quietly being depressed in my dorm room and getting bad grades. Oh, no. That was your major. Oh, yeah, pretty much. And you're... So you didn't have fun and you weren't a good student. That's what I always say. I managed to not have fun and not get good grades.

So I don't know what the heck that was all about. That's a great combo. And you didn't commute. You lived at school. Yeah, yeah. I went to Cornell in upstate New York, Ithaca, New York. And I actually loved Ithaca. So I go back and visit Ithaca almost every summer or every other summer or so.

And drive around, avoid the school. And just, you know, I'll even walk through campus and be like, well, here's where I was so miserable. Now I've conquered that. The misery tour. Cornell's famous for suicides. Oh, my God, really? And there's a bridge, I think, that goes over one of the gorges. Maybe there's something to like the, I don't know, the alchemy of the.

Well, it's because the weather is so grim and because their parents are, a lot of these kids are from families. This is a depressing topic. A lot of these kids are from families which are like pushing them. You got to get straight A's. Driven. Very, very, you know, or you're a failure. And plus they provide easily leapable chasms. There's a gate you can undo.

Oh, no. Midway across the bridge. So you don't have to climb. No, they started putting netting around everything. That's what I heard. They actually, years ago, there were all these suicides and the school's reaction was, well, we'll raise the fence. That's terrible. But we're not going to change anything about your experience here. Right.

Right. And there's so many other ways to commit suicide. Exactly. Exactly, yeah. I mean, you could. We could list them. Sure. You could take too many sleeping pills.

Yeah. That seems like a pretty straightforward way. Right. Yeah. You could have someone come in and do it to you in your jail cell. Sure. Or someone else could hire someone to do it to you in your jail cell. Sure.

And it's a surprise. While the guards pretend that they were asleep. Right. I thought, I didn't realize I wanted to commit suicide at 5 a.m. Oh, the autopsy shows that he had broken bones in his neck. Right. I should read that. Well, that's what we've been talking about all week, we should say, in the writer's room.

Okay. Has been exclusively Epstein. I'm one of the people who thinks he was clearly murdered. You do. By someone. By who? By some powerful person who. Some powerful person who doesn't want, you know, stuff to get out of him.

Right. Although you would think it would be hard to get in the. So then it's someone who can maneuver through a jail and get in and out of a – A shapeshifter. Yeah, exactly. You pay a guy to pay a guy to pay a guy. Sure.

I always, you know, it's keeping those things secret. I never – I'm always – I know. That always torpedoes conspiracy theories. Right. How would so many people all keep their jails out? Yeah, and I never assume that humans are that good at pulling off a heist like that. Right.

That's why it's got to be as few people as possible who have paid exorbitant sums of money. Yeah. You've killed someone before. And fear of death. Yeah. It's fascinating. It is. And I think it's still likely that stuff will come out if there were other people involved.

Right. There were other enablers of his. That was the fastest, the lack of time between the announcement of the death and the conspiracy theories just splashing everywhere. Oh, literally. Yeah. It was almost in the same article announcing his death. Suicide was already in quotes in all the headlines. Yes.

Well, and I love that it's actually really uniting the left and right because things have been so divisive. But everyone on both sides wants there to be a conspiracy. Yes, absolutely. Now, if they can just agree the Earth is flat, that's another great bridge. No, the Earth is on the back of a giant space turtle. We all know that. That looks like Gamera. I don't get that reference.

Not Mothra. Oh. It's Godzilla. Yeah, like a giant turtle. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, that shoots fire out of its feet holes. Oh, cool. Could that be a new tattoo idea?

No, I'm not that into kaiju stuff. Okay, okay. Yeah. Jesse is referencing andre's recently acquired tattoos yeah starting to pile up how many do you have i have nine tattoos now all of which i've gotten um in the last two and a half years or so the damn broke the damn broke i've always wanted one and then right i came up with one idea and then i was like as soon as i got the first one i was like oh that wasn't that didn with one idea, and then I was like, as soon as I got the first one,

I was like, oh, that didn't hurt that much. Yeah, then you're like, it's just my skin. It doesn't matter. Yeah, then a bunch more ideas kind of flooded my brain. I have way more ideas. I'll probably get another 10 or so before I quit. You need another body. I do.

I start carrying around people. Tattoo boy. You gain weight. Come over here, tattoo boy. Show off my newest tattoo. I got another tattoo boy. That's what rich people do. It's the next step.

They have blood boys, tattoo boys. What's the longest? I had no sense of, my son got one and said it took four hours, which I was surprised at how long it took. Yeah, most of them only a couple hours. But the one of the panda snake thing on my left arm, that was like three sessions of three to four hours. Yeah, that was intricate. It's a snake. And there's color.

Yeah. Almost Chinese in. Japanese. The gentleman who did it is Japanese. Oh, boy. Okay. With a panda head. Yeah, it goes all the way up my arm.

Yeah. And so he did just the head in one session and then the rest of the body in another session. Oh, wow. And then colored it all in in the third session. After he did the head, were you like... Is there a name for that creature? I call it a panda condom. Oh, that's what I was going to pitch to you, actually.

Oh, really? Yeah. Literally, it's from one of my comedy bits. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. I apologize. I haven't seen you perform that one.

It's been many years since I've done that one. Yeah, it's all right. Well, let's talk about how long have you been doing stand-up? Stand-up, I've been doing it for 22 years. I think the first time I ever got on stage as a solo performer, actually 23. It's like 1996 in New York City. When you were sad in your dorm room at Cornell,

did you ever think about doing stand-up? No. I did not. Really? You came to that later. Yeah, well, I started doing improv. I got into the improv troupe at school my sophomore year, I guess. And then that's what kind of gave me the, you know,

it was sort of got me addicted to being on stage and getting, you know, laughs and applause for, it was sort of the, got me addicted to being on stage and getting, you know, laughs and applause for, it's like, oh, suddenly there's something in this world that makes me feel good about myself, you know what I mean? For one fleeting moment. Well, yeah.

And then you need more. It takes, yeah. I always say it's about 48 hours of keeping the depression at bay if you have a good, That's pretty good, I know. or a good bit on the show. That's pretty good. I know. Glow.

Yeah. It's not too bad. I'm not that depressive. So, yeah. So, 1996, New York City. Yeah. So, 23 years of throwing myself up on stage and trying stuff out. So, when you started doing stand-up, did you keep doing improv? Did you try to do improv in New York City or were you just like, I'm going to do stand-up now? Yeah, I did improv in New York for only about a year with some other people that I'd gone to school with. And then everyone just kind of fell apart. No one was that into it.

And I realized that I just had more fun writing things and being alone on stage. I'm an only child, like Jesse here. So I definitely wanted all the attention to myself, and I wanted all the success or failure to be on my own shoulders, and it was much more comfortable that way. And you wanted the adulation of adults. Yes. Adults, yeah.

Ideally my parents, but that never quite happened. Did you, I mean, you're talking about parents in Cornell. Like, did your parents push you for any type of particular occupation, or did they just go, please don't do comedy, or they didn't care? It was more like, I was, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I was clearly, like, an artistic kid who liked to draw and sing. I was probably with a different set, like in this day and age, how encouraging parents are towards their kids to try stuff.

They would have probably sent me to art classes and theater school and all that kind of thing, which I probably would have enjoyed. But my dad, I mean, to put it bluntly, my dad thought creative stuff was for gay kids and women. My dad was very old. Get to the blunt part. Yeah, very old school guy from a family in New York City where his dad was a police captain. Yeah.

He was Italian and very. He probably would have also liked to do art classes but wasn't allowed to. I think you're probably right. I think he probably would have enjoyed being like a history professor or something. Right. But he was an engineer. Oh yeah.

And so he pushed me very hard towards math and science and not, you know, totally unencouraging towards anything creative. Right. And encouraging towards, you know, I was sent to like computer programming camp and shit like that, that I wasn't really interested in. I would have panic attacks and meltdowns and stuff. So essentially, if you want to get deep into it, that's what made me a depressed person through college and stuff

until finally, when I was finally on my own in New York and could do whatever I wanted, then I just kind of turned it all on its head and finally pursued creative outlets. And gave up computer camp. And gave up computer camp. Ten years. Did he ever relent? Like, because clearly there's a cause and effect. You're not enjoying computer camp.

Or was it just like you're going to, you'll come around. No, he was kind of oblivious. Yeah, yeah. He was kind of oblivious. Yeah. No, he was kind of oblivious. Yeah, yeah, he was kind of oblivious. No, he would, if I was having trouble with the math classes, he would just sit with me for hours after school and pound it into my head so I'd get better at it. But, oh yeah, you know, my parents came around

as soon as I started making a living doing comedy. Oh. So after about 10 or 12 years of doing comedy. No, that is how long it takes. I know. When I started getting hired to write for TV, then it was like, well, yes, now you're a professional and very good for you. I'm very proud.

I can tell my friends. Oh, and then once I started working for Conan, it was all they would ever tell people is that I worked for Conan. Oh. I love that. They became, it was conditional pride. As soon as there was something to brag about, they jumped on board the bandwagon. Was your dad like, could you at least work the Pythagorean Pyram into a sketch?

More engineer-themed comedy bits. So here I am. Did they ever come to the Conan show and watch anything? No, they never came to California. My dad passed away about two years after I got this job, and my mom refused to travel. And now she's got dementia in an assisted living facility, so she's not going anywhere.

Okay. But, yeah. Well, but you started in New York, right? Or right before the show moved. Yeah. Was that right? Yeah. So I literally got hired at Conan for the last two months of late night with Conan O'Brien.

Was it that late? It was that late, yeah. Everyone was completely had their minds set on California. Just packing up the office. Packing up things. Right. No one was really like. You just wandered in and it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, take the office. Packing up things. Right. No one was really like. You just wandered in and it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, take that office.

Yeah, exactly. No one cared. Like no one was really like invested in like showing me the ropes or anything like that. It was kind of interesting. Just kind of being a fly on the wall for a couple months. Yeah, yeah. I would think that would be. No one was invested in showing me the ropes either.

Levi and I have had that same conversation. Yeah, it takes about three years of working here to figure out what you're, what you're doing here. Three years. That's how I felt. Is it really? Interesting. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, you just kind of keep on trying until now I get it. Right. Right. Yeah. You keep having people correcting you and you go to the wrong person for something and there's no,

no, no. Right. The, but that's interesting at the end of the late night. Cause there was no, no, no. Right. The, but that, that's interesting at the end of the late night. Cause it was, everyone was.

Just looking ahead to the tonight show. Yeah. So you could kind of sit back and observe yours. Yeah. It was like being kind of invited to this victory lab that I had no, that had not, I had not earned, you know what I mean?

So, uh, it was interesting. So that is a big leap for you then to say, okay, I'm going to go with the show to California and move. Yeah, well, I had already worked out in Los Angeles for a couple of summers on different stuff. The Spike Ferriston thing? Spike Ferriston, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Which was actually a good talk show. Did Berkeley work on that with you? Berkeley Johnson. No, I don't think Berkeley did. No, I don't think I met Berklee until I got here. Matt O'Brien did. Matt O'Brien did. That's right.

Another pretty boy. Pretty boy. He got hired at Conan off of that show probably about a year before I did. Right. Well, you got sort of hired off of that show, too, just because you had a really great submission. But then we saw this ad you made, which- The Imaginary Bats. Yes, it was a workout video.

A new, you want to describe it? That was basically an ad for a home gym called the Imaginary Bats Home Gym. But basically it's a pill you take that makes you see bats that aren't there. And then the workout is you freaking out and trying to fend off the bats. You burn a lot of calories that way. It was really funny.

That's really funny. And really well done. And it just was, it was just like, okay. Were you appearing in sketches for that show too? Yes. Yeah, that was where that started. Yeah. So I played, I played the guy in that video.

I played a guy who owned, this is another bit I wrote that I was really, uh, it was a hair salon called wig cuts, which was, um, they would style your hair. So it looked like you were wearing a wig,

even though it was just your normal hair. And the whole point was, the whole point was, I get it. You enjoy getting into fights where someone tries to pull a wig off your head, but it's not a wig. It's your real hair and it hurts

and then you fight the guy. Well, here's the salon you go to to have your hair look like it's a wig so that that scenario is possible. If that makes any sense. It does. And that was, yeah, that was like one of the first things i ever did which was like this is terrible looking on purpose and which is kind of what i

was right now and uh and also like the new york kind of uh you know come the wick cuts oh yeah that kind of oh is that kind of tony carmine kind of guy yeah um well actually you started back in late night doing acting and sketches. I remember. Oh, yeah. Years before I worked here, yeah. Oh, really? Oh, cool.

Can you play a samurai? I'm trying to remember some of the characters. There was a, I think it was in the new characters segment where they just parade people out. And I think it was a bit John Glazer wrote called Geisha Goombas. That's it. So it was two Italian mobster guys in full Geisha makeup. Right. And my line was kabook about it.

Oh, my God. Kabook about it. I love that it's like equal opportunity insulting to lots of groups. I don't even know if we could do that today. Could you? I don't even know. I don't know. It's not like really saying anything bad about either group of people.

Chris Cuomo would flip out. Yes, he would. Yeah, he'd have a big problem with it. But yeah, so that was one of the first things I ever did. That must have been at least five years before I got here. And there was another one, a bit that Brian McCann wrote. I forget what the context of the bit was where I was just a weatherman with no pants on. So I had to have the dance, the dance.

All of McCann's bits involve people not wearing pants. I didn't have any lines. I was just, I was just like, I had a suit top, but like naked from the waist down and I was gesturing to a weather map. I don't remember what the heck the bit was. I don't know. He was just trying to save money for a wardrobe. I guess.

Yeah. Or he just wanted to see what Andre had going on down there. Yeah, you know. The dance belt doesn't really let you show off much. Keeps everything pretty much. It's constricting. Yeah. Dance belts.

Not comfortable. Yeah, you feel pretty, you feel naked. Yeah. I try to avoid those. Yeah. We should, that's an old TV secret that we feel naked. Yeah. I try to avoid those. Yeah. We should, that's a, that's an old TV secret that we should let. Yeah. Anytime you see someone who's quote unquote naked, they're actually wearing a flesh colored dance belt.

And then they pixelate it. Yeah. So it looks like they're naked. Yeah. That's it. We just blew the lid off. Of the whole scandal. Can tell they don't have genitals.

They even do that in porn. Really? No. No. I'm so gullible. Like, really? I watch a lot of porn. I never noticed.

So realistic. It's all CGI. I'm so naive. That's so expensive. They're all wearing dance belts and they CGI their genitalia. Seems like a lot of extra steps. I knew a guy years ago before the internet who was just like, all the penises in porn are fake. They're all.

They're all. He couldn't accept it. Like they're made out of clay? What are they? He just, I think the size. No one's got a four inch penis. That's ridiculous. That's absurd.

I'm smarter than that. Dream on, buddy. Yeah. What is this, Jurassic Park? Give me a break. Jurassic Park. A lot of big dicks in that. Dream on, buddy. Yeah. What is this, Jurassic Park? Give me a break. Jurassic Park. A lot of big dicks in Jurassic Park. Well, yeah, probably.

Just don't show them. Yeah, or, I mean, T-Rex, we don't know what he was working with. Well, they were all females in Jurassic Park, right? Oh, that's true. All the dinosaurs? Right. But life finds a way. Yes.

Some of them could change. Yes, just like real lizards and reptiles. A lot of them can change sex. They just have cloacas. Yes. Yeah, that's right. I just like the word cloaca. Can I just Google cloaca real quick to see what that means?

Everyone should stop right now and Google cloaca. Everybody. I think birds. That's what chickens have. And reptiles. Well, that's why they think. Oh, I don't have a signal here. Dinosaurs used to be actually feathered, right?

There's a cavity at the end of the digestive tract for the release of both excretory and genital products in vertebrates, except mammals. Specifically, the cloaca is present in birds, reptiles, amphibians, most fish, and monotremes? Monotremes. I don't know what those are. I don most fish, and monotremes? Monotremes. I don't know what those are. I don't know what a monotreme is. If someone knows, we could look that up. All right, hold on while I Google.

We've been wanting to bring up cloaca, but we want to wait until you were here with your voice. My podcast will be called Googling Things with Andre. I would listen to that. Yeah. Call her. You're on the line. Yeah, Google monotreme. All right. Let's see what it says. Yeah. Call her. You're on the line. Yeah, Google monotreme. All right.

Let's see what it says. One moment, please. It could all just be like a weird internet hole that you go down. Where one thing leads to another. I go down tons of those. Mostly on YouTube. And that's where you end up on the white power videos. And then eventually it's like, wait, no, I shouldn't be watching. What the heck is this?

I think all roads lead to white power videos. That person looks it's like, wait, no, I shouldn't be watching. What the heck is this? I think all roads lead to white power videos. That person looks uncomfortable. Uh-oh. Thank God no one's keeping track of what I search. I'm waiting for that to come out. Oh, they're listening, too. You can have a conversation about carpets and then you turn your phone on

and it's an ad for carpets. Oh, yeah, all of our phones are recording this right now. Now you're going to get cloaca. Cloaca and monitoring ads. I don't know if they're cloaca companies. Oh, yeah, we're're going to get cloaca. Cloaca. I don't know if they're cloaca companies, but. Oh, yeah. We're all going to get cloaca ads on Instagram.

Come on down to Carl's Cloacas. We got cloacas of all sizes, all shapes. Sounds like a pitch one of us is going to submit later today. Are you tired of

dusty cloacas? I don't know. Well, so Andre, now you, I mean, you perform and write a lot of sketches for the show. And you have this whole stable of characters that we could list. Yes, all of varying degrees of loudness. And accent. Accent.

I don't do accents. I do like almost accents. I don't know what you would call it. Slight adjustments to my voice. They're like caricatures of an accent. Yeah, exactly. It's like almost Spanish. That guy's almost from New York. That guy's almost Australian. But yeah, I don't know.

I've never quite mastered any accent. Don't forget Russian. And Russian, yeah. And then like four varieties of new york yeah right four four boroughs yeah exactly but never french and yet your surname is french my surname is french um but 23 and your first name is french my first name is spanish actually it's andres with an s at the end. Oh. But my parents never pronounced the S. They just called me Andre, so I stuck with that. Yeah.

And according to 23andMe, I'm only 3% French. Oh, wow. Really? So I'm mostly Italian, Croatian, Polish, and Spanish. About 20% of each of those. Oh, cool. Isn't that weird? That's a great mix.

The French last name just stuck around. Yeah, I mean, everyone was just lying, I think, at Ellis Island, right? Everyone was changing where they were from. Well, I think a lot of people, they shorten their names on purpose and stuff like that. Mm-hmm. And I guess. Yours might have been like Dubachnik. It's royalty, I think, right?

Yeah. Dubochet. That's what my mom always claimed. She was like, oh, you're descended from French royalty. Oh, yeah, we're supposedly descended from Christopher Columbus. That's our big... Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, your family? No one can prove that. It's like Elizabeth Warren is a Native American. My family is like, we all come from scum and you're scum. Here, put on this eye patch. Right. My eye's fine. I don't need an eye patch. Right. My eye's fine. I don't need an eye patch.

Put it on. Now limp. Scum. You are scum. Arr. But I wanted to ask because, I mean, I think it's a really particular skill to be able to write, to invent characters for yourself and then also write, um, to write something for yourself. And it always kills. It's always like,

it doesn't always kill. It does. It does. Uh, it's all, it's all from, it's all from the standup, you know,

it's all from spending years doing that on stage. And you did a lot of characters in your standup. Yeah. I, I never did traditional standup. It was always like weird monologues and bits. And, um,

there were kind of sketches. Yeah. There, yeah. There were basically one person sketches. Exactly. Yeah. That's still what I do when I, when They were kind of sketches. Yeah, they were basically one-person sketches, exactly, yeah. That's still what I do when I get up on stage. You're such a great performer that if I'm ever backstage and I actually see you looking at a script before the show,

it always surprises me because I kind of feel like you just... It just comes from God. It just comes out of you. Well, here's the key is that I don't ever try to memorize anything. And I'm always reading right off the cue cards. I mean, I'll have a general familiarity with the script. Right. I'm always reading right off the cue cards.

Yeah, that was one of the tips I got when I first was in a sketch on the show was don't memorize it. Yeah, whenever we have like, you know, you can tell when we have like real quote unquote actors in bits who are, they could be very good actors, but they sometimes trip over themselves

by trying to memorize the thing and then they get confused between what they think they've memorized and what's on the cue card and where they're supposed to look and I'm always like

just read off the cue card and you trust that the camera and the director are going to make the eyelines look fine. Lie. Yeah. And then it's just a matter of, like, how natural can you read? Right. And so that I happen to be good at, I guess, to make it seem organic or whatever.

But I'm just reading off of a card. Isn't that cool? That's interesting. It's true. Memorizing. I know people who've gone up, as they say, who screwed up their stuff

because they tried to memorize it. Yes. There's a famous, not famous, but among my friends. You remember Eric Drysdale? Oh, no.

Is this what you were thinking of? Yeah. He's a really funny, really funny. He's written on a ton of shows. He's written on a ton of shows. So he went on to have a great career. But he was in a sketch and he, I guess he didn't want to wear his glasses for the sketch or something like that.

It was the Costas heads, which was a parody of Deadheads. Okay. And they were guys, they were a group of guys who dress and talk like Bob Costas and follow. And so they're in the audience. Oh, they're like Bob Costas super fans. When Costas was on the show. Yeah. And they would come out and do a sketch to Conan and Bob Costas while on the couch.

It was a great sketch. Yeah. Whose sketch was it? I don't remember. He couldn't read the cue cards because he took his glasses off. Oh, no. And I guess he thought he had it memorized. And then in the middle of the sketch, he just said, ah, shit.

Something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that was that. Oh, no. So we had to kind of, I mean, you know, which was fine because we were pre-taping the show. Right. But it was, yeah. And the way things work on our show, it's like, that's it.

It's gone. There's no, wait, can we just get them some glasses and start over nope yeah you know everything gets one shot it's uh it is time is of the essence it's like you make a mistake all right well next the punishment is it's cut yep that does remind me i i got into a similar scenario where i wrote a sketch for stevee. And one of the premises of the sketch was that he had just gotten LASIK surgery. But then it turned out that he needs glasses to read the cue card. So it was like, it's literally written in that you can't be wearing glasses. And he had showed up and didn't have his contacts.

And it was just like, what are we going to do? Did he memorize it? They made the words really big. Okay. And so it was like, you are we going to do? Did he memorize it? They made the words really big. Okay. And so it was like, you know, like two words per card. What a pain for the QCard guys. Yeah. That's great.

But it was like, of course, why did I write? I have a vague recollection of a squinting Steve Agee in a bit. Was that it? I must admit it. It probably was. He's like grimacing and squinting as hard as he can. Yeah. And he's pausing after every word while they flip the card.

Hello, Conan. I'm here too. Love that guy, Steve A. We mentioned two really funny guys. Yeah, we've had so much good talent on our show. We did. Oh, my goodness, yeah. And just even the people who've come through here as interns and pages.

And they're, like, famous. It's crazy. Everything we touch turns to gold. How do you like to generate ideas? Is that something that you have, like, a practice with? No, I wish I had, like, a system. Yeah. I don't really.

I mean. I mean you you take a notebook everywhere yes actually you have you have one in my back pocket right now i know that you fill up notebooks yes i call them my hilaralogues and they're full full of 99 percent nonsense that doesn't get used for anything but um i try to i just try to think it's a i don't know sometimes it's as simple as like I'd really like to talk with an Australian accent. What could I, what could I? Really? Yeah.

I like starting with the accent. Oh yeah. The whole Francisco guy, the guy who's like the leader of Bolivagway or whatever. I just liked that accent. It was like, who, who's this guy? Yeah. Where's he from? And then it just make up a bunch of crap to support why I'm talking that way.

That's a great character. Bowels. Was bowels the word that you? Chiefs Bowels. No, yeah, I don't know what the initial, I used to do that character on stage years ago. He wasn't the leader of Bolivigwe. He was just an entertainer from that country. He hadn't, the coup hadn't happened yet.

Yes, exactly. And I just always felt more comfortable talking in accents on stage than my own voice. Are there accents you haven't done yet that you want to do on the show? Ooh, that's a good question. Scottish might be fun. Oh, yeah. Ooh, a kilt? I'm not going to attempt it right now.

Let's get the kilt ready. Oh, yeah, get the kilt on the dance belt ready. Oh, I don't know. You can't do, yeah, I couldn't do any Eastern accents because that would be not cool. Eastern Europe? No, Eastern, you know, Asian. Oh. That would not be, first of all, it wouldn't make any sense.

Right. But you could do any of the things that you are. You could do Spanish. Croatian. Oh, sure. Polish. Yeah, what does a Croatian person sound like that you are. You could do Spanish. Croatian. Oh, sure. Polish. Yeah, what does a Croatian person sound like? I don't even know.

Polish, I think I would just sound like a Russian, right? I don't know how Polish people sound either. Well, anyway, good stuff to research. Here's the Pole with a cloaca, Andre Dubiche. Speaking of your characters, you just came up with an idea for a sitcom. Oh, yeah. Basically, I wrote this pilot that I showed to Conoco. They're like, sure, let's pitch it,

which is all the guys I play on the show are roommates, and they each have two jobs. Like, for example, Carmine DiNunzio, the super Italian guy. Right. Or New York. He's not even Italian. It's like an exaggerated.

He's like a Sbarro Italian. Yeah. He's a Travolta Italian. It's like Travolta times 100. Oh, yeah. He runs a pornographic magazine store, and he moonlights as a captain of a starship. High and low standards. All of his dialogue is subtitled even though he's speaking in English because he's so hard

to understand. So they live in Brooklyn. They live in Los Angeles. So it's Carmine. But all his neighborhood guys are still like New York mobsters even though it's LA. Welcome back to Los Angeles. Right here where you grew up. It's him and then there's It's Bolivagui

It's the Francisco guy from Bolivagui And he is the host of a game show called So You Think You're Arm Wrestling a Celebrity And Also has a side business Where he does Like dreamscaping Like Inception

Oh Like a super low budget version of that like dreamscaping, like Inception stuff. Oh. Right? But like a super low budget version of that. It's good work if you can get it. And then there's the Wahlburgers guy, basically, the medieval warrior dude,

Leslie. Leslie, yeah. Who was a game of, you think he's on the show to promote Game of Thrones. Yes, but he's just a big fan of Wahlburgers. Yep. And those three guys are all roommates. And then the Russian guy is their landlord.

And the Australian guy is their neighbor. And they all have, basically, it's going to be like, well, if it ever gets made, it's like if I played everybody on Seinfeld or whatever. Yeah. Those kind of storylines. And it's just that you have to, I mean, yeah, you have to plan out every shot so that. Yeah, well, not in the apartment they live in. The landlord tells them that the apartment has really bad eye lines. Okay.

Right, right. Yeah. I live in this apartment very bad. And so whenever they're in the apartment, it never looks like they're looking at each other. To the person they're talking to. Well, that'll save time as well. It does save time.

So, yeah, the scenes in the apartment will be easy. And then anywhere else they go, though, we have to make it. We've got to find a big husky guy with a blockhead to play me from behind. Yeah, you might need a double. Yeah. I'm guessing there are no women to be found in this sitcom. You also play Elaine. I'm not going to get in to be found in this sitcom. Well, I mean, you also play Elaine. I'm not going to get in drag, I don't think.

No, there will be female characters and stuff. But, you know, if I'm playing everybody. It could be one woman that plays all the women. Oh, yeah. That's not a bad idea. That would be funny. Someone who does a lot of voices. Yeah, or at least two voices.

Yeah. That's least two voices. Yeah. That's a great idea. And you did a pitch for this, and it just went up online. Yeah. So people can check it out. It was a little pitch video that I made with the intent of just showing it to people at pitch meetings. But I guess the show was like, oh, let's throw it online and see what people think.

Yeah, why not? Why not? Why not? Give a little something to the fans. Drum up some buzz. Drum up some interest. Yeah. So maybe that'll help.

I don't know. Well, but it does. I mean, that's very typical now that if you're taking a show, if you're pitching a sitcom, it's not just the idea. You have a piece of video to like you have a pilot presentation to go with it that's yeah yeah you don't even have to show up i would just just watch the video let me know if it's a gay or a nay check this out and send a check exactly uh yeah so is butterscotch gonna be on uh that's a character you play he's a clown he's the evil clown uh i uh well

first of all todd levin created created the character Butterscotch. Oh, and he won't give you the rights to it. Yeah, no, I'm going to have to sue him for the IP. No, I really just hate wearing makeup, so I don't think I would put myself through that much. Oh, plus you'd have to shave. Plus I'd have to shave. Oh, right.

I don't like your beard. I also don't like shaving. You'd have to pull a Cesar Romero. Wait, this beard is just from Comic-Con? Yeah. Oh, wow. It grows fast. You grow a fast beard.

Yeah, it takes about two weeks and then boom. You're the most masculine man on the staff. I know. He's the most testosterone. No, I think there's plenty of good, a lot of testosterone flying around here. Name one. I don't know. Todd Levin's got a nice, robust mustache. That around here. Name one. I don't know. Todd Levin's got a nice, robust mustache.

That's true. Will does. Levi also has a gray beard like me. Levi, yeah. You've got a gorgeous gray beard right there. I could grow a pretty good beard, to be honest, if I didn't. You don't want to show up the guys. Yes.

I know your game. You're always rope-a-doping us. You've got a career in the carnivals after this, if you want. Well, Andre, thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Thank you. This is a pleasure. Thanks for traveling down from the third floor down here.

Thank you. Yeah, no problem. Yeah. And I think we got you out of a pitch meeting, which we always say is the real purpose of this. Oh, I'm sure they haven't even started the meeting yet. They're waiting for us. Oh, maybe they are. Yeah.

We'll see. Okay, thanks, Andre. All right. Thanks, Andre. All right. Thanks, guys. Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast, is hosted by Mike Sweeney and me, Jesse Gaskell. Produced by Kevin Bartelt. Engineered by Will Becton. Mixed by Ryan Connor.

Supervising producer is Aaron Blair. Associate producer, Jen Samples. Executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross. And Team Coco. And Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Thanks to Jimmy Vivino for our theme music and interstitials. You can rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts.

And of course, please subscribe and tell a friend to listen to Inside Conan on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, or whatever platform you like best! Ta-da! This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.