Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - Chris Hayes, Diane Harmon, Laurie Kilmartin, Jordan Schlansky

Episode Date: March 8, 2019

Conan writers Mike Sweeney and Jessie Gaskell turn the spotlight on Conan IT Director Chris Hayes and ask him what are the dumb things people ask him to fix. Then, Conan Post-Production Coordinator Diane Harmon shares the strangest things she had to research in the name of comedy. Later, Conan writer Laurie Kilmartin explains the Twitter feud she had this week with Stormy Daniels.Plus, Associate Producer Jordan Schlansky returns to talk about whether or not he has a passion for sports.Porn for the Blind Sketch: https://teamcoco.com/video/porn-for-the-blind-sketchAsk Conan Anything, Except… Sketch: https://teamcoco.com/video/ask-conan-anything-exceptGot a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

And now, it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Welcome to Inside Conan. Hello, I'm Mike Sweeney. And I'm Jessie Gaskell. And we're writers on The Conan Show, and we found a way to get out of doing work on the show by hosting a podcast. I mean, there's actually somewhere else I'm supposed to be right now. Yeah, that's literally true. You're supposed to be shooting something for tonight's show. I know, and I thought I might have to do that thing where you run back and forth between two places,

and I have to put on a mustache in between, pretending to be two different people. Anyway, we're here to regale you with stories about late night. Yes. And- This show. This show. Behind the scenes. Yeah.

Clips from the show, the stories behind them, intrigue. We have disgruntled employees here. We have a lot of them. And we were hoping- The show's hosted by one. Exactly. So it trickles down. And we're hoping by giving them the mic, it will diffuse lawsuits. Yes. Possibly. And to all the people

who just heard us on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend and are now listening to this, welcome. Yeah, welcome. I mean, kind of everyone just discovered the show, right? Because it's only the second episode. But I don't know. You Johnny-come-latelys. What the hell, man? There was one episode out for six days, and now you're discovering us? Fuck you! So today we're going to grill our director of IT, Chris Hayes.

Yes. We're going to talk to him about dumb stuff that people ask him to fix. Right. Apparently, it's 80% printers that don't have paper in them. Apparently, that's what his entire day is spent doing. And we're also going to talk to Diane Harmon about her job unearthing bizarre clips for the writers under, quote, research. She is sometimes ordered, I think against her will, to look up terrifying things on the web. And we're going to ask fellow writer Lori Kilmartin to explain the Twitter feud she had this week with a giant celebrity.

A really, sadly, a big celebrity. Yeah. It's sort of a referendum on our culture. Our times. The times we live in. Yeah. It's actually unfolding. I saw there were even newer tweets just last night. Oh, wow. They were going back and forth. They were going at it.

Oh, wow. Okay, so we might have to follow up next week on this. Yeah, I know. If Lori's still alive. Right. And we'll also talk to associate producer Jordan Schlansky about one of the things he loves most in the world. Spoiler, it's not himself. No, it's really illuminating. He was on last week and him talking. It was a nice coffee break for us, so we thought we'd do it again. Yes, I think I'll choose that time to

meditate. But first, let's talk about what happened on the Conan TV show this week. Yeah, the TV show this week. My favorite guest was the hilarious stand-up Ron Funches. I love Ron Funches. And he was just on a tour with Conan in the fall. That's right. So they really became close. And it's really fun to see them back together again. You can see how Conan has started to annoy Ron. But yeah, it's always fun to have him on the show. And we particularly enjoyed this anecdote. Yes, here's a clip of Ron that Jesse and I both personally related to. Yeah, it was very triggering for us. I thought we really bonded on the tour.

I thought we had a good time. Yeah, except for when you played guitar and made me listen. I didn't make you listen. I just happened to... You locked eyes with me and blocked the room. Maybe I did. Welcome to my world. 25 fucking years.

It's really just true. It's a whole lifetime. People are like, can you put that thing down? It's not what you're best at. Yeah, I think that a lot of people don't understand that Conan is literally playing guitar at every rehearsal that we run. Yes, every rehearsal.

He used to just play in the office years ago. Oh, that sounds awful. My first day at work, I was waiting for the elevator at 30 Rock on the sixth floor. I'll never forget. And Conan comes around the corner with a guitar. Oh, no. And just starts serenading me. I don't remember the song.

And looking at me and playing. And I thought, oh, I thought I was hired and started a job, but this is all part of, this is still part of the interview process. And I'm supposed to react a certain way. Yeah. You had to perform back to him. I had, that's never happened to me. Did you want to just turn around and get back in the elevator? I kept hitting the button unsubtly. I'm like, come on. I think I took the stairs. I took the fire stairs to get out of there. I didn't know what to do, but that was fine. It was confined to the office. But then one day in rehearsal,

I was sitting in the guest chair and all of a sudden he pulls out an electric guitar and starts playing and he has an amp. He plugged in. He plugged in and I was like, oh my this is it's no louder no not not during rehearsals you know stressful enough as it is and now there's loud guitar solos going on so the next day i went to props and i got one of those the airport ground, those giant earmuffs they wear. And I just, when he started playing, I put those on. And I was like, this will nip, you know, this will nip this in the bud, you know, cut to 18 years later.

He just played louder. He did play louder. He did. He got, he started getting bigger amps. And soon it was crazy. It was like a Metallica concert with like a wall of amps. So he really started his midlife crisis at like in his early 30s. Yeah.

Yeah. Mid to late 30s, I think. But so now he still does it. He still does it. And it's great for me to hear someone like Ron, someone who's coming into the house and saying, oh, this is weird. Your dad shoots guns in the house and you guys are all cool with it? Your house smells weird. Because we're all used to the gun fire.

I know. And it's just like, well, yeah, of course. Well, and one thing we should clarify, Conan is a totally proficient guitar player. Oh, yes. He's good. He's good. Yes. He's not great.

I mean, it's not like he's going to get. Your word's not mine. I know. I'm always like he's going to get- Your word's not mom. I know. I'm always like, when's he going on tour for the music? Yeah. But yeah, I mean, you know, and he learns new songs, and so sometimes he'll bring new ones into the repertoire. But in general, I mean, how many times would you say you've heard him play Creep by Radiohead?

I keep a log of that. High hundreds. 489 times. Yes. And that's a slow, long song. It's a very long song. And he doesn't skip a verse. No.

No. I think he adds a bridge. What's the other one he plays when he's... Well, he used to play, actually, as a punishment to us. He would play that Georgia Satellites. That's it. I got some change in my pocket. Going ring-a-ling-a-ling.

If he doesn't like a bit, he's like, well, here's your reward. I'm going to play that song. Yeah. No, he basically trained us like dogs to react to that song. I think later now, if you're working on a script, the big motivator is not, oh, I wanted to get laughs. It's I wanted to get on the show so he doesn't play that song. So I can avoid hearing that song. Now it's in my head again. What's that? Steve, I can't hear you. You want me to sing? I'll do it if you want. Now I got some change in my pocket going jing jing ling my girl she tell me

that she wants herself a ring I said my honey my baby love you the rest of my life she said no hugging no kissing until you make me your wife I said my honey my darling don't put my love on no show she said don't tell me no lies

and keep your motherfucking hands to your and now it's time for. IT Fix of the Week. Fix of the Week. Fix of the Week. So we wanted to turn the spotlight on to one of the real unsung heroes of our show, our IT director, Chris Hayes. I have to say, Chris Hayes is definitely one of the most sought after people here. He is.

Fixing emergencies all over. So intimate. Like people at 10 a.m. People are like, where's Chris? I'm pulling up to the parking lot at that point. Hey, that's, I don't keep track. That's not our job. Yeah, we're like, where's Chris?

The internet is broken. It's not working right. I need my porn. So. 10 a.m. So what'd you fix this week? Someone called me with an issue with the internet slowness. And I had them restart their computer.

Yeah, it works for 25% of the issues. I'll give you my trade secrets here. Turn the computer off and then turn it back on. Turn it back on. We call it power cycling. Give it a little fancy twist on it. Power cycle your computer. It's basically a reboot.

Fixes 25% of the issues. See, hey, you're kind of talking your way out of a job. Well, yeah, there's still a need for me to do 75% of the things. Turn people's printers back on. Fill printers with paper. It's on the lower end of the thing that I do. Wait, wait, wait. Does someone wait call you

because their printer didn't have paper that is what i want to know you'd be surprised of i i would be the dumbest thing someone's called you to their office for without without without mentioning me what immediately came to mind because you looked at sweeney when i said what's the dumbest thing someone's called you in for the first thing i do when he calls me about the printer issue is I go in there and make sure it has paper in it. I'm not saying that it happens all the time, but I'm also not saying that it hasn't happened before.

But I've always had paper in there. No, I'm saying that there's been times you haven't had paper in there. Wait, oh, and that was the issue? That was the issue? No, absolutely not. You're looking surprised. Yeah, you're mistaking me for someone else. Absolutely not. You know, this whole Fix of the Week thing is cut. I'm sorry that this circled back to you.

This is cut. I have to be truthful about this. Who do we want to believe, the IT director or? Or me. Of course I would check for paper. There's people that don't have their monitors turned on and wonder why their computer isn't working. Things like that happen. Oh, that's great.

It varies. And then there's actually legit issues that I encounter. wonder that why their computer isn't working things like that happen oh that's great it varies and then there's actually legit issues that i encounter can i ask you uh do you are you tracking how people are spending their time online i do not but is does that information exist somewhere it definitely does so there's a a log there's there's a lock there There's a log. There can be a log. That shows how much time some of us may spend on online shopping. No, no, I don't think they're worried about those particular details. Who's that? Who's that?

There's always a they. Well, it's no one in the... This goes all the way to the top. It's Warner Brothers, I assume. Well, without divulging too much about infrastructure because I can't do that. What? Wait. This Chris Hayes non-disclosure of the week.

Non-disclosure. There can be logs about everything if it's requested. But we've never been told, hey, don't do this. No, would you? No. No, you let people do what they're going to do. Oh, so you're saying let, give people enough rope to hang themselves. Well, I'm not looking.

No. Well, you wouldn't want anyone to hang themselves, but yeah. So where do your loyalties lie? Seriously. To the job itself. What do you work for? The job itself. Yeah.

It's bigger than all of us. It's bigger than all of us. I'm just a cog in this thing. Okay. You know? Sure. I do what I'm told. Everyone has a boss.

Wow. Oh my God. You are beholden to the bigger cause. this thing okay you know sure i do what i'm told everyone has a boss so at a certain point you you are beholden to the bigger you guys are safe if if you're worried about oh my god he really but we don't even know what we're safe about that exactly you're fine for the time being just know you're on the right path grasshophopper. For example, something that I had to track down was there was someone pirating HBO television shows from behind this network. And we had to track that down. I know we can just share a password with them, right? What?

No, it was literally like they were hosting their own little server here because we have really, really good bandwidth here. And they were actually. Wait, we do? Yeah. So Jordan was stealing HBO? That guy does some crazy stuff. Wait. Is that true?

It could be. Chris A's Jordan IT crime of the week. It's great. No, Slask is a power user. He's good. What he does is innocuous. It's fine. It's fine.

But couldn't you talk about it? An innocuous power user. Yeah. Yeah, I can't speak? An innocuous power user. Yeah. Yeah, I can't speak on his browsing habits or anything. Okay. Under oath, you could, though. You do find out some interesting browsing habits just happen upon people's computers. I'm not looking for it.

But if you don't close out certain windows before I come work on your computer. Right. And I have to look at your screen that yeah i've seen some interesting like what things here without you don't have to say the person no names no names uh no no i i love everyone here and i don't that goes without saying obviously no judgment no nothing but there's certain things that i see and i go i'm going to block that out of my memory so i can look at that person wow because they know by the time i leave their computer they know that i've also seen it as well has anyone so then there's that moment when you're looking and it's like yeah you know that i know

and then we'll just leave it at that so we can figure it out by just walking near you and seeing who avoids eye contact no keep it cool man people know oh wow wow so when you see something that you wish you could unsee and that person knows you saw that does anyone ever say please do we have an understanding no no need to no one it's already implied by me just not even commenting on it but you know sometimes there's a look you know the eyes get a little bit bigger for a second like whoa shit that was there right right right it could have been for research purposes i don't know once again i'm not judging all right very good but i do see some interesting things and i have seen some interesting things some of their likes are there

sites that are actually blocked yeah because i'll tell you you know what's funny is there's the um the fitness studio that i buy classes from sometimes is blocked. All right. I think it's because there are sexy lady photos. Oh, no, you can have sexy lady photos. Really? Yeah. Why is that one blocked then?

It could load malware on your system. But in general, sexy lady sites are not blocked. Perfectly fine. Man. Yeah. So we have learned a lot about our company structure, I think. Yes. Which is that Hayes is the boss of all of us. Yes.

And above him, there's some kind of shadow organization. Called them. Them. They. And they. I think they is the right word. Yeah. Of our, of Conoco.

I hope people who work on our show listen to this just so they know. Yeah, that they are watching. Yes, and that Hayes is the conduit for that. Big Brother is watching. And to think twice before they ask you to swap out a mouse. And also to just turn their computers on and off. Or as we like to call it, power cycling. This has sort of been...

IT Fix of the Week! Fix of the Week! Once we learned that out-and-out porn and all types of smut are absolutely allowed on our computers. Encouraged. As if I didn't know that already. We decided to look into some searches,

maybe some of the writers, and some of our video researchers have been up to over the years. Yeah. So after the break, we'll ask our colleague Diane Harmon about her strangest research projects in the name of comedy. Plus, we'll have another joie de vivre with Jordan Schlonsky. Oh, thank God. We're back with more Inside Conan. Did I scare you?

I'm okay. Okay, you look startled. So after that interview with Chris Hayes, we decided to follow up and talk to someone on our staff whose browser history might be a little questionable compared to other staff members. Diane Harmon, welcome. Hi, thank you for having me. Diane, welcome. What's your current title? Currently, I'm the post-production coordinator.

Okay. So I don't have to do too many internet searches now. Right. Now you don't. But what did you used to do? But I used to, I was in Clips Research for probably two-ish years. Those are the two-ish years we'd like to discuss. Great.

Yeah. That's what you've been deposed for. Okay. Oh, that's what this is. Oh, no. Pick up the Bible on the table and raise your right hand. So, yeah, we were curious over the years for Comedy Bits, what were some of the, I'm guessing there are searches you had to do that have stuck with you. Stuck in your mind.

And you might be able to recall. Yeah. I'm curious to hear about some of the more colorful ones. Salacious ones. Yeah. You know, I have one that immediately comes to mind because I do think about it often and I... Uh-oh.

And I... Because I'm a therapist about it I've told this story to many people but there was one summer and it was I was kind of fresh in the job I was shadowing another girl who did the same job Liz Davies

and lovely woman and she was going out of town this one week during the summer to go to a wedding or something and so she was setting me up and making sure I was all good to be by myself on the job and I was like no worries you can leave me alone nothing bad will happen um and also that same week was like the hottest week of los angeles's heat wave currently and so it was like 109 degrees in our tiny trailer um and i didn't have liz with me and we uh started doing a writer pitch this

idea for um it was based on a news story i guess where uh they had just come up with porn for the blind um oh yeah i vaguely remember this. Yeah. And the actual news story is that, you know, it's just narrated porn, essentially, really descriptive porn. But the writer who pitched this bit was that there was like a seeing eye dog

watching the porn for his person. And like, anyway, so we had to find porn to go in the background of this we had to um and and so oh god i i just remember we somehow just had dvds on our on our shelf already from i guess something that had been previously done. Yeah. Um, and it was, it just felt, it just felt wrong the whole time because I'm like,

was the writer in there looking at these with you? No, he was not. Cause he felt very uncomfortable. How did I guess it was a he? Yeah. He felt uncomfortable asking me for it. It was Jose. It was Jose.

Yeah. And just like, I mean, both of us are uncomfortable people. So he's like very apologetically pitching this to me and is already so sorry that he's asking me to do this. And I'm also like, no, I'm sorry. You know, like, I'm sorry that you're uncomfortable. So he asked me to go through. I mean, I don't I'm not an expert on porn either but I was like do you want like hardcore porn or are you just looking for like you know a pizza man shows up at a doorstep whatever and um and and he got super uncomfortable again and I don't

know that he asked for specifics but I looked through time codes yeah he had time codes um but i went through hardcore stuff first which was really disturbing and uh it mostly disturbing because i was doing it at my place of work and just like there are people walking past me in the background and it's 110 degrees it's kind of public yeah it is yeah there's a lot of traffic through that trailer. Oh, and our air conditioning had broken. We were like, there are just fans blowing, trying to keep the air moving.

Well, this sounds like the beginning of a porn itself. It could be. Call the air conditioning repairman. Yeah, it was bad. So I'm just kind of like pouring sweat at my desk, watching, going through and picking selects from this DVD of hardcore porn. Can I ask an upsetting question? Did this piece make the error?

Yeah, it did. It did. But I thought it was all going to be for not. And then I was really going to feel bad for you. Sort of, because standards absolutely rejected us showing any sort of like hardcore porn even though it was like on a screen in the background they were like we'll have to blur the entire thing and then you might as well have just used and then we just used soft corn soft corn soft corn parp yeah um we shot jose i'm pretty sure the clip they went with

it's two fully clothed people uh maybe touching each other on the cheek it is like the very very early yeah is what we went with so you could have just watched that truly those 12 hours of research really yeah wow but it did make it to air. And here is some of that infamous sketch. So Jose's idea was showing the way that blind people currently experience porn, which is through a seeing-eye dog acting as a translator. Oh, boy. Come on, Toby.

What's going on? Oh, Toby. What's going on? Oh, my. I'm well spent. I think we can all agree after hearing that that it was worth Diane's time to do 20 hours of porn search. But what do you look at? It's not just porn, right? What else have you researched i love when emails start off with this might be a stretch but or like i don't know if this exists

but well we do often ask you for very specific things yes and this one they were looking for um i think like old sad couples getting hit by deer or something, which was impossible. We found it. We actually found a lot of clips of old people feeding deer, but the deer never, the deer never attacked. So we got so close.

So we had to hire an old couple, a rabid deer yeah and finally got the footage we had old happy i don't even know what that's if there was footage of that that would be the bit you wouldn't need anything else around it yeah that's the bit diane thank you and i think i speak on both of our behalves when I say we're sorry your life is disturbing all right you asked for it this is all your fault no one asked for this what you're about to say but go ahead all right uh we promised you more with associate producer Jordan Schlansky I don't know why people keep asking for this. But we will deliver.

Here is Joie de vivre with Jordan. This week we asked Jordan if he had a passion for sports. Well, I don't follow sports myself. I am fine to play sports. I'm not interested in watching other people play. What sports do you play? Well, I like't follow sports myself. I am fine to play sports. I'm not interested in watching other people play. What sports do you play? Well, I like to build my body. I understand how the human body works, and I like to exercise it to change it.

You exercise. But what sports? Yeah. Well, I consider bodybuilding a sport, frankly. Okay. So you like to do some cleans, some squats? I don't do squats so much. I have a regimen, and it's worked for me do you do those

can you say that again fart lick now you say i've never heard that okay and nor am i able to infer what it might mean me neither it's it's a it's something that sprinters do i uh i don't like when people talk to me at the gym and there was a trainer that would uh there was a period where he was working at my gym he would always come over and talk to me and the gym and there was a trainer that would, there was a period where he was working at my gym. He would always come over and talk to me and I would kind of yes him. And, and he came over one time and he saw me working out a certain way and he said something about farmer.

He said something like a farmer. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yesing him thinking what, you know, that would get him away.

And he came back a half hour later, having put together a big apparatus. I think it's called a farmer's walk, which I, which I only learned from this experience. And he came back a half hour later having put together a big apparatus. I think it's called a farmer's walk, which I only learned from this experience. And he asked me if I wanted to do a farmer's walk and then proceeded to put together an apparatus for a half hour. So you work with weights, I bet. I do. Okay. Do you Instagram yourself?

No, I don't. Like a hot shot of you? No. But do you have sort of a routine that you do? I do. I have that. Where did you get that routine? Well, I've crafted it myself over years.

I've been working out since October 1996. Joined a gym for the first time in June 1997. What gym? It was in New York City. It used to be called Synergy. It later became known as Boom Fitness. And I don't know if they're still around. It was on 81st and 3rd.

I met you before you started working out. Yes. Yes, you did. There was a time I was working out when you knew me. I think I'm the one who told you to start pulking up. Unlikely. Unlikely. It's possible.

And I also told you to try to sit alone in a dark room and just... That was instinct. That's something no one ever needs to tell me alright that was Joie de Vivre with Jordan if we do that again let's have an egg timer and hold them to 60 seconds that would be great I don't think anyone needs more than that what we just played was edited down

from a 36 minute reply we cut out a lot of it. And I still don't feel like I know him any better. No, no. That's the thing. The more that you uncover about Jordan, the more questions there are. It's endless. He's the true Russian doll. Yes. After the break, we investigate a Twitter feud accidentally instigated by our own Conan writer, Laurie Kilmartin. This is a story that is still developing. Stay tuned.

Hello and welcome back to Inside Conan. So we had a little bit of a Twitter drama with one of our writers this week. And she's here to talk to us about it. Which is great. Lori Kilmartin. Hi, guys. Lori's writing the show and a really, really hilarious stand-up comic. We tease her because she has the most gigs of any comic in America.

She does. She's squeezed this podcast in between gigs. A breakfast show. I have a son and a mother to avoid. Anytime I can be out away from the people that need me, I take every opportunity. That's good advice for aspiring comedians. Have a mother and a son. And you'll be in the clubs in no time.

But you also have, you're a Twitter presence. Absolutely. I think a lot of people read your twitter and this very funny twitter feed we found out there's a very famous person who reads your twitter she didn't i don't think she follows me maybe not no she did find it yeah she did find so what happened yes somebody tweeted um they had included her they had at they included stormy in the tweet so they said isn't that called? So it's called like snitch tagging.

Yeah. Well, it wasn't a snitch tag. No. OK. They said, oh, my boss, Stormi Daniels, is going to be headlining a comedy club. And so I looked at the calendar of that club. And the only female performer at the comedy club that month was Stormi, star stormy daniels and that's just to me that's a knife in a wound that will never heal which is that female comics have trouble getting work yeah even when

they're like pretty accomplished plus there are so many other female porn stars who could headline why storming yeah it's unfair it really is so uh so i i tweeted some sort of frustration about that and it's not a great tweet i was more just angry well here it is do you want to read it it's right there okay uh doing stand-up is not a reward for being famous please leave the weekend gigs for actual female comics because she's doing a wed. But I can see this going into weekend. Of course it would go into weekend. If she makes money, she'll probably get weekend someplace. And that will count as having a female headliner.

And there's a lot of club owners that don't like female headliners, don't like female comics. They use them as sparingly as possible. And if Stormy counts, well, why not have one that's hot? She's meeting a quote. And is nice and is fun,

and I can call her a whore and she's not gonna get mad and you know what i mean like who's cool she's cool like a porn star where female comics may may not be cool like that you know what i mean yeah well and this is her first foray into stand-up that's a totally separate issue which is she's never done stand-up before and she's starting as a headliner yeah right. So, I mean, and that's a second dump on stand-up comedy, which is like, it's so hard to be good and to get good. They say it takes 10 years to even become adequate at it. Yeah, to find your voice.

She's a performer, so she probably, she has, no, but she is, she has live chops, she does live shows, and she's probably funny. So she has that kind of comfort on stage which is great she will comfort anyone who's with anything you throw at her imagine yourself naked oh wait i am naked well imagine myself clothed but anyone who's comfortable on stage that's half a battle of stand-up so she has that. So she might be better, quicker at it. But it was also just like, wait, you're not hiring any female headliners, but you're automatically headlining someone who's never done standup. It's incredibly discerning.

I'm guessing this is a club you wouldn't want to work at anyway. Guess what? They just booked me. Oh, my goodness. Wait, so as a result of this kerfuffle, they booked you. Yeah, they're like, you know, oh, we're a big fan. And so they gave me a weekend. Oh, a weekend gig.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where is it? It's in Texas? It's in Houston, yeah. Oh, in Houston. Okay. Right, right, right. So, and I told them, I just want to do standup. I just like every female comic. I know we just want paid work.

Of course. And this is not a showdown, and I'm not, you know, against Stormy or anybody. I just want to do gigs, like every other comic. You just want more gigs for working female comics. Yes. Well, so your initial tweet blew up, And I'm reading here off of... Because she quote tweeted. Yes.

Yes. And there's an article here on ET Canada, which is exciting that you made ET Canada. It is. So Stormy wrote back to you and she said, Wow, so supportive. I am an actual female, but I'll never get women who just tear other women down. And I know it's not a reward. I've been writing comedy material for over 10 years. Would you like me to critique your BJ skills? Your whole foot fits in your mouth. So you'll probably do great.

A, my foot is a size 11. So can we go line by line on this one? Wow. So supportive. I'm no, I'm not supportive. Like why? Why would i have to be supportive i know why do we have not a comic doing what i do for a living fuck you i don't have to support you i am quote an actual female i never said you weren't an actual female the actual what i said is actual female comics yeah so she's either dumb or she deliberately misread that right either way fuck her sorry and i know it's not, quote, a reward. I don't think you do know that. I think you feel like you're famous and you should be able to sell out a comedy club.

And you might. And she probably will sell out more than I will when I'm there for five nights. Which is when? May 33rd, June 1st. I've been writing comedy material. You didn't say fuck you in response to that line. For over 10 years. You're warming up to her.

Maybe she has been writing comedy for 10 years that has nothing to do with performing comedy it could totally be true but it has nothing to do with performing stand-up do you think she submitted to she be a writer on our show love it if she was in the top 10 that would be awkward i know in the writer's room together. Would you like me to critique your BJ skills? Honestly, yes. Yeah. That part seems

like a useful feedback. That's genuine. And finally, that's what you're good at. And thank you for offering it to me. Maybe I could look at some of your comedy

and critique that. And then we've dealt with a foot thing. So her response was deliberately misreading the intent. Well, and I'm sure that Stormy would be offended

if, you know, one of us immediately started doing high profile porn gigs. Right. Because that probably takes many years to master. I think the audience

would be offended if I started doing porn. I think it would not be anything like that. I'm sure there's training involved and... Yes. I don't even want to

do stand-up versus porn. I'm just saying, you know, and I didn't come at her because she is a sex worker. She's famous because she's a sex worker. Well, yeah. But she's a celebrity who decided to do stand-up. She's just as bad as Jeremy Piven. Right. Or if Michael Avenatti went out and started doing stand-up.

Oh, my God. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But I didn't mention that she's a sex worker, but people then decided I was anti-sex worker. It's like, you brought it up, not me. I am just as appalled when actors decide they're going to do stand-up and are given headline gigs. I'm disgusted with Jeremy Piven's career. It's awful. But that usually just flames out right away, right?

It usually does. Yeah. So it's a blip. But it's one degree worse when it's a woman and it's in a business that barely hires the women that do actually do the work. You know what I mean? I think she could turn out to be a great observational comic.

It's true. What's the deal with these fluffers? So relatable. What about that low angle shot? does it have to be in every film camera dildos what's up with those there's anyone who i want to hear the difference between men and women it's stormy daniels right she knows more than better than any of us but i think i do think it'll resolve itself because she's either good at it or she's not. So it won't.

The show will speak for itself. Comedy is subjective. So if people come out of her show and say it was great, then it was great. It doesn't even. Well, they are the people that would pay to go see Stormy Daniels do stand up. They're probably not the people that are going to pay a female headliner that they haven't heard of goes to do stand up. You know, that got, you know,

it's just probably not the same audience and she can probably sell out. It sounds like a great date night. But should she? And, and it's an irritation with her. It's like, you can sell at strip clubs. Why are you coming to our place where we can barely get work and taking our stuff too?

I don't know. Okay. Please everybody follow Lori. Her Twitter is at any Lori. Yeah. Any Lori't know. Okay, please everybody follow Lori. Her Twitter is at AnyLori. Yeah, AnyLori16. Yes, you're hilarious on Twitter. And you've written two books. I have.

Yeah, and they're great. Thanks. One of them is called Shitty Mom, and it's a parenting book. And the other one's called Dead People Suck, and it's a comedic memoir about hospice cancer, losing a parent. I went to a reading. It's dark and very funny. Oh, you were at that? That was really cool of you to be there. I really appreciated that. I'm a big fan. I went to a reading. It's dark and very funny. Oh, you were at that. It was really cool of you to be there.

I really appreciated that. I'm a big fan. I bought the book. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I bought it as well. You guys don't have to read it. After the reading. All I ask is that people buy it.

Reading is, that's optional. Well, done and done. I looked at the cover art. Lori, thank you so much. Thanks. Lori, thank you. You're Thanks. Lori, thank you. You're hilarious every day in the office. Oh, thanks, guys.

And that is it for our show this week. What? Wow, that went by so fast. That's crazy. And somehow, if this wasn't enough of us, please listen to us on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Yeah, if you haven't already listened to that, Conan O'Brien is very funny and has his own podcast. Yes. Maybe you didn't know that because you just are fans of us.

Right. You'll be shocked to learn he also is in the podcast business. And he's quite good at it. Yeah, he's pretty good. And also, if you go over to TeamCoco.com, you can see other hilarious comedy from the week. We had some really fun live sketches. On the TV show. Yeah. There was one particular sketch that I really loved that was called Ask Me Anything

Except What Happened at the Lake House That Weekend. Yes, it's very funny. It's Conan taking questions from the audience. Yeah, it was written by Todd Levin. Todd Levin, really funny sketch. So go check it out. Yes. That's teamcoco.com. That's dot C-O-M. And we'll also put a link in the show notes for this episode. I'm sick of spoon feeding everyone. Yeah, I know. Haven't you heard

of Google? Yeah, man. So we hope that we've given you a good glance behind the curtain here at Conan. And I got out of doing some work, which was great. You still have to do that. I do. I know. I'm already getting texts about it. Yeah. I saw you checking your phone. I guess saying you're doing a podcast doesn't really work as an excuse.

It doesn't get me. I know. Try it by Conan at two when we're rehearsing. Yeah, yeah. And it's not ready. Sorry, Conan. I couldn't be there. I was shooting my hit podcast.

Episode two. Episode two. Episode two. Thanks for listening. We like you. Oh. Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast, is hosted by me, Mike Sweeney, and Jesse Gask. It's produced by Julia Smith and Kevin Bartelt. Engineered by Will Becton. Mixed by Ryan Conner.

Supervising producer is Aaron Blaire. Executive produced by Adam Sachs and executive producer Jeff Ross at Team Coco. And Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Thanks to Jimmy Vivino for our theme music and interstitials. You can rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. And of course, please subscribe and tell a friend to listen to Inside Conan on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, or whatever platform you like best.

You choose. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.