Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - Conan O’Brien Talks Conan at Home

Episode Date: May 1, 2020

On the Season 2 premiere of Inside Conan, Conan O’Brien himself joins Conan writers Mike Sweeney and Jessie Gaskell to talk about his quarantine lifestyle, how the guest interviews for the Conan show are being recorded, where he got his Jeff Goldblum recommended eyeglass frames, his early days in LA with his writing partner Greg Daniels, and why his iconic beard has yet to return. Got a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone] and e-mail us at [e-mail] For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com

And now it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Hi, everybody. We are back. It's Mike and Jesse. We're writers at the Conan Show and we're back with Inside Conan season 2 under unusual circumstances. Yeah, we are going to talk to you today about how we make Conan at Home. That's the official title now that we're in quarantine. And we talked to someone who has a lot of inside knowledge on Conan at Home, Conan O'Brien. Welcome back to Inside Conan. Yeah.

We knew we could lure you to a podcast with your name in it. It worked. Yes. This is actually the snake eating its own tail. This is today on Inside Conan. It's Conan talking to the Inside Conan team about Conan. This is a new low, but I'm enjoying it. I do miss you guys.

We're in the middle of this quarantine. And so I can see your faces on Zoom, which is very nice. Guys, very funny. And I'm happy to be on your program. That's how bad... That's how... That's how bored you are. That's how bored I am in this quarantine is that I volunteered to go on Inside Conan. Yep. And no, I'm actually happy to do this. I'm giving you the old Josharoo, but I'm happy to do it. Well, we didn't realize our podcast name would become so accurate because you truly are inside.

I'm in my home. I'm in my home in Catalina. So how is it? Have you talked on the show a lot about your quarantine lifestyle? Not too much. I mean, it comes up. I usually try and keep the focus on the guest, but it comes up every now and then. I'm doing pretty well.

You know, actually, everyone in my house, there are four of us. My wife and kids are doing much better than I am. My kids are fantastic. They've taken to this like ducks to water. They love taking classes online. And then, of course, my son loves just being online. And he loves gaming with his friends. And he loves not going outside.

He's thriving. He's really ideal. Yeah. And then my daughter is just incredibly good at taking care of herself. So when she's not doing an online school, I see her like painting a mural or spinning and singing to herself or playing the piano. And I'm like, oh my God, it's just ridiculous. And then, yeah, my wife is- The mural might bother me a bit. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. I want to ask permission. Can I do this wall? Right, exactly. But then, and then my wife is, she's ridiculously self-sustaining and constantly, she's either in her room with the door shut, writing something, or she's making granola and it's just or doing some kind of exercises. And then there's me.

I'm the one that's having the hardest time because I do need I'm constantly looking in the bathroom mirror now and doing faces and try to incite a crowd that isn't there. So that's sad. That part's sad. Do you at least have a mirror you can turn three ways so you get the effect of more people in the mirror? Oh, yeah. Surround sound. I should do that.

You should. That'll get up to three audience members. They must know your condition. Do they give it up for you? Or are they in the lap department? Well are they because uh you know in the locked apartment well they're not used to having you home this much right now you know it's so funny because we were talking last night at dinner i will say the up there was a silver lining to everything and one of the silver linings is i really do love two things dinner with my whole family and i then

we we screen like classic. I want them to watch classic comedies, Pink Panther movies, movies that I watched when I was a kid that made me laugh, starring great comedians. And they watch them and they really laugh. So that makes me happy. But last night we were talking at dinner. I think my son brought up a friend of his whose parents are divorced. And so the dad gets, you know, specific times when he can come by the house and see the kids. You know, they've some court ordered specific time. And I said, I get the feeling that you guys would like it if I was still married to Liza, to your mom. And we still got along, but I only had court mandated times when I could come by. And my son was like, I'm not kidding. That's exactly what I would like.

So partial custody, but the parents are still married. Yeah, we're still married. And it's not like I'm seeing anyone else. But I live in like a small apartment somewhere. And then there's specific times that are court mandated when I could come by. And then I said, well, wait, how would you get this ruling? And my son said, you would go before a judge and you would do some of the stuff that you do around us. And the judge would immediately rule in our favor. And I'd be like, okay, Conan, you can come by Thursday nights for one hour and Sunday for two hours and then gavel. And your son reserved the right to go back to court to rescind it entirely.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. We're all getting through it however we can. Yeah. And hey, do you have, with all your movie watching, I know everyone's exchanging movie tips, but is there anything that sticks out in your mind? Yeah. Oh, people should watch this. Well, the movie that was a huge deal for me when I was growing up, and I think it still holds up,

is a movie from 1963 that starred every major comedian at the time. It's called It's a mad mad mad mad mad mad world and it was a massive movie when it came out it literally has i don't think it was a single major comedy star that wasn't in this movie and it's this man it holds up it does and yes it does hold up uh and i when i was a, they would show it once a year, and my dad would let us, we weren't allowed to watch TV during the week, but he would let us watch TV that night.

It counted as like an educational special. I showed it to my son, and he loved it so much, he then insisted we screen it for his sister. So we did that, and... So you and he were nervous while she watched it. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it's a lot of pressure when you tell me. I'll tell you this. We were it's so much pressure to recommend a movie. So just before the quarantine went into effect, like two weeks before the quarantine went into effect, there was this family down the street

that's very nice. And they invited us over to their house for dinner. And then they said, you know, think of a movie we should watch. Now, I didn't know this, but I had been telling Liza for a while, you know, we should have the kids watch The Pianist because it's a very good, you know, I think, depiction with Adrian Brody of what Jewish people in Poland went through when the Nazis occupied. And it's rough, but it would be, I think, good for our kids to see that. And I didn't know this, but she took my recommendation for our kids

and recommended it to them for the big screening. And the thing is, the people, it was a very festive occasion. And so we all go downstairs and then the woman, the woman, we go into like their room that has a big TV and she's like, okay, well, Liza said you wanted Conan, that you wanted the pianist. And I looked to Liza and I went, wait, I meant that for like, and she was like, oh, I just thought you meant for everybody.

And I'm like, no. And just then they start to screen it. And these were such upbeat happy people and the next thing you know it's just a litany of very yeah man yeah and then afterwards the family just looked like they'd been kicked to death by you yeah by me and they were all like uh wow that's very powerful and I went I meant No, I didn't mean- I meant it as a punishment. Yeah, and they have like little kids

and the kids are crying and, oh man. We're supposed to watch that other movie with Milton Berle. I know, exactly, exactly. Slightly off. Anyway, you know, as I keep going back to, we're all muddling through as best we can. It really is muddling.

Are you doing a lot of housework at all or what yeah you heard me housework what are you talking about cooking do you know who i am do you know what i'm in show business i don't do housework i'm the least handy person that ever lived so uh yeah i think i'm doing my share. Right. I'm trying to help out, but I have found that the room where I do the show, which is my study, it's filled. I mean, right now where I am now, you can't see, but this is the,

if you're watching the shows while we're in quarantine, it's where I shoot and there's a little guitar behind me and a bus. What you can't see is that all the notes for all the guests that I've been interviewing on Zoom are all over the floor. Guitars are just lying piecemeal. There's like pieces of lumber. I don't know.

There's props from different bits I've done. It's an absolute horror show. You really don't clean up. Not in here. Not in here. I don't know. You're a hoarder. The rest of the house looks good.

And this is usually a looks good, but this, and this is usually a nice, this is usually a nice room, but it looks. Yeah, it's a very, well, you know, we have a lot of fan questions. People have written in and some of the questions. Do we still, do we still have fans? We do.

You do. I'm in a vacuum. I'm in the quarantine. And because I'm not getting my daily, you know, affirmations from people. Hey, Conan, how are you? Like the show. Hey, Conan, your hair really does look weird in person because I'm in a complete vacuum. Just hearing that we have fans is delighting me right now. Well, yeah, because usually you get to come into the office and you get compliments from your employees.

Nice one, boss. Yeah, good one. Another great show last night. Yeah, and you all say it as you're being handed your check for the week. Good job with the thing you do, boss. Oh, man. Some of that cue card reading was mwah. Top job. Do you miss going into the office though?

I mean, I think I've gotten that sense from you that some of the, even the things that you hated before you might. No, no, I didn't hate. I'd never, I love, I do believe the only reason I'm in comedy is so that I can be around funny people and abuse them. And I love, no, I really do love just the group effort. I love that part of it. I'm one of six kids and I grew up in kind of a scrum and I like it. I really like the jostling back and forth

and the constant repartee. And oftentimes physical jostling. If I size someone up and I think physically they can handle it, I'll start wailing away, punching, kicking, biting. And I think that's my right. It's only recently that I've been informed

that that hasn't been legal for 40 years. No. But I do miss it. I really miss being there and have always needed to get up and go someplace to do whatever it is I have to do. So I am not built to stay home. I'm not. And I think you guys both are a big part of the Conan Without Borders shows. no one was even asking us to go to other countries. No one required it.

No one, you know, it was not on anyone's agenda. And we figured out a way to will ourselves to get to go to other parts of the world, often at very inconvenient times, but I love it and I miss that dearly. And so I'm, you know, I'm hoping that when this is done, I'm hoping we can get back to that world. And we'll probably start very cautiously. It'll be Conan Without Borders in Los Feliz, Los Angeles.

Conan drives 15 miles to a slightly different area of Los Angeles. Formally owned by Spain. Yeah. But it'll still be full of wonder for us. We'll be like, oh my God, what's- Oh my God. Look at that hipster who's taking three improv classes. Do you have a weekly schedule?

I mean, do you get up and try to like keep to a, okay, I want to get up at the same time and, you know- You know, I think I could do better about that. One of the things that I find maddening okay, I want to get up at the same time and, you know. You know, I think I could do better about that. One of the things that I find maddening is that I like to know what the parameters are for my work, meaning when am I working and then when am I not working? One of the things that's happened under quarantine is that they'll book a Zoom call for 9.30 in the morning

with, you know, Kaley Cuoco or Adam Sandler, it'll be like, okay, so at 9.30, I kind of have to be on, but then there'll be this two or two and a half hour period of time when I'm not on, when I'm supposed to power down. Right. But then it's time to shoot a Zoom sketch with Sona at one o'clock in the afternoon. Then it's time for a Zoom conference call where we talk about the Zoom sketch we just did and figure out what the edits are possibly. Then there's two hours of nothing, but then shoot wraparounds. And so I know anyone listening right now is like thinking I'm a

big baby and I am, but it's just the every day it's different and so and it has to do with your energy levels like you get you get warmed up and then if you have to just cool your heels for two hours when you had the same schedule for 25 years pretty much right exactly and so and this is the old schedule was always used like you could see it slowly revving up as the day. During the day, I would rev up slowly. And it's knowing when do I take the cocaine, you know? And if the show's at 4.30, you take the coke at 4.10. But- You don't want to take too early though, yeah. No, yeah.

And so now I'm having, you know, cocaine at breakfast, but then I'm coming down, but then it's time for more cocaine. And it's just a mess. Your dealer doesn't mind. The dealer is very responsible about social distancing. He wipes down all the coke. Leaves it at the front, in front on the front door,

and it's completely wiped down. Well, do you want to hear some fan questions? Yes. Yeah. Okay. You don't even have to. This is your show. So you get to say, now it's time for fan questions.

Hey, you know what? It's time for fan questions. Hey, you know what? It's time for fan questions. Theme music. Here's a question. Have you taken up any weird hobbies while you're at home or are you just driving your family crazy? That's a good question. Okay, there's two things that I do.

I wouldn't say that they're all that new, but they've definitely accelerated. One is teaching myself songs on the guitar off YouTube and playing them over and over and over and over again to get it right. That drives some people crazy. If you're curious exactly what recently, I forget how it came up, but somehow the Paul McCartney solo song Junk from 1970 came up and it's an instrumental version. And I just decided I've got to learn that exactly right. So I watched several different YouTube versions and then honed in on the one that made sense to me and didn't need a capo. You could play it naturally.

I've played it 100,000 thousand times and i think i've made people crazy uh and and also it used to be a really pretty song to me now and now it just sounds like madness because and the other thing is really nerdy is i found for a long time, people used to make balsa wood model planes. And it's something people did. My dad did it in the 1930s. He would make, in 40s, he would make balsa wood planes. I made one years ago and it was really hard. And I swore never to do it again.

Going through my study, I found an old balsa wood model of a British Sopwith camel. And I was like, okay, I'm going to do it. And so I am, it is incredibly frustrating because it's old, brittle balsa, all the pieces break, then you've got to fix them. Then you've got to try and, and it's incredibly complicated. The directions are not helpful. And so, yeah, I'm doing something that I would- It's all just disintegrating as you do it. Yeah. As I do it, it's disintegrating. I'm into the idea of I want something that I can physically hold in my hand that's a result of this. Right. A memento. Yeah. I want- Time inside.

Exactly. I want, it's Tom Hanks' soccer ball. This is my Wilson. I want this thing. I want to be able to, if someone says to me, what did you do during the quarantine of 2020 that was of any value? I'll say, well, I did a whole bunch of shows. And they'll go, no, seriously, we saw those. What did you do and I'll go okay what about this and I'll hold up what will probably be a pretty crappy but very intricate balsa wood model of a pile of hot glue 1917

sop with Kim then I'll play junk I'm excited to hear junk because I I mean we're all very familiar with your current repertoire yes

of songs because you like to play you often treat us to concerts in the office is there. Because you like to play in the... You often treat us to concerts in the office. Is there something you'd like to say, Dusty? No, I'm just saying I've heard... You know, let me ask you guys, because let's get into it.

And it's an instrumental, no singing. Let's get into it. Okay, sure. And this should, if nothing else, be honest. I always have a guitar on at rehearsal. I'm not telling you guys, I nothing else, be honest. I always have a guitar on at rehearsal. Right. I'm not telling you guys. I'm telling human beings listening.

And I tend to perpetually play different songs and run through them. And I think people hate it, but we need to have this out in the open. Sure. I mean, I think we've had it out in the open and nothing's changed. You guys wish I wouldn't do it.

Well, we don't. There comes a certain point where it feels like we're being held hostage after rehearsal's over and you're still playing and it's like, you look around like, can we leave? Oh, you can go.

We can go? Okay. Yes. Oh, yeah. Why? You should have asked that ages ago. Or sometimes it comes in the middle of rehearsal. I guess that's really the... Oh, I always thought of it as music, you know, when a concert's over, they play music over the PA. So rehearsal's over. So that you know that you can leave. And it's live music, but you can go. Let me ask you a question and be honest.

Yeah. If I was better at it, would it be more tolerable? Is that the issue? Jesse, you go first. I mean, it's... Sure, yes. Yeah, it would be better. Well, we're often also hearing like,

you're just playing the guitar portion of a song. And so it's hard to get the full, because it'll be a song that has like a full band. And then we're just hearing the guitar. Oh, that's a good point. So is like we're digging into an infected wound. Oh no. And pus that's been built up for like nine years is coming out and the stench is overwhelming. I'm just not good enough. Is that the problem, Jessie? Just say it. I mean, you know, we're hearing someone practice guitar.

That's what it is. It's, you're hearing a person practice. And so. it's you're hearing a person practice and so so the fix is simple you play your greatest hits things you've mastered and then problem solved i'm hoping junk is gonna be the one i've never heard you be this quiet for this i know it's terrifying it's actually uh it's it's good for me to hear this but i'm not gonna lie it's painful to think that uh i've put so many people through and and it's it's gotta stop it's clear to me that when we come back if we come back

it's gotta stop here's one thing do you think it can stop i don't think it will ever stop well did you find it helps you in rehearsal? Is it cathartic? Oh, yeah, that's a good question. I don't know. I'm too flattened. Don't be flattened. No, don't be flattened.

I'm too devastated. So this whole time you've been thinking that you were putting on a concert like that someone should pay money for. No, no, no, no. I knew. I know. I know it's annoying.

I have to say, yes, it probably helps me the day in and day out of going down to rehearsal for 27 years now. Is that right? Yeah. I think having a guitar on and having my fingers busy helps, but maybe going forward. Look, I think of you as the ghosts of Christmas past and future. You've come to me in the night.

You've shown me a horrifying vision. And now I see it because I've been away from the show long enough to know that, oh, shit, this is horrible. For years, I've made people very unhappy with one of my habits. And it's like finding out you have really bad breath after fit after after 20 years and so uh yeah this has to change i'm glad i'm i'm glad that this came up but i can't say let's put it this way scrooge did not get a good night's sleep that night and um we're all gonna have goose and you really you notice that it took us being separated from you by many miles for this to come out.

Yeah, I know. I think it was playing for your kids. That is cause this and your son going to, to court because your home guitar playing that has brought this all to the surface. I'm today. I'm throwing away all my guitars,

which is really stupid. Cause they're, I mean, I'm throwing away all my guitars, which is really stupid because they're, I mean, I should sell them and give the money. I know, but I just love the idea that I'm going to throw, I'm just going to put them in a recycling bin. How many guitars do you have? I don't even know. And that is not because I'm some rich guy who's bought up a whole bunch of guitars.

It's because for 27 years, people have been sending me a range of guitars from absolutely great, cool guitars that are beautiful instruments to a guy in Sweden who made a guitar out of a bathroom scale. He took a real like 1960s bathroom scale and then attached a guitar neck to it. And it's kind of playable. Does it play? Yeah. But I said kind of, and then it's hideous. And decided to send it to you. And decided to send it to me. And so Jimmy Vivino found me a place to keep them all. So I have literally a warehouse filled with guitars that are puzzling, just absolutely puzzling. And it's going to be like the end of Citizen Kane when I go. There's going to be people just throwing insane, like here's a toilet seat guitar. Here's a guitar made out of a dead duck. Here's a guitar that's made

out of, yeah, a wooden sled. Exactly. And tossing them onto a pile. Yeah. My last words will probably be bathroom scale guitar. And reporters will scurry around trying to figure it out. The great mystery. Well, speaking of guitars, someone actually asked about the guitar behind you that we see during the show. Let's assume that's not made from bathroom equipment. Now, that's a good guitar. It's a Gretsch, right. It's called a Gretsch Tennessean. Yeah.

It's the model year. It's a 1964 Gretsch Tennessean. It's the model year. It's a 1964 Gretsch Tennessean. If you're a Beatles fanatic like I am, you'll know that that is the year and model that George played on the second Beatles tour of America. That's the first electric guitar I ever bought. I bought it from a friend of mine named Randy Klempert at the time. I think I bought it in 1986 for $600, which at the time was like a fortune to me. And the guitar is worth a lot more than that now. I've always prized it. It is a Chet Atkins model, Chet Atkins being one of the great players and producers in Nashville back in the day. So when Chet Atkins was on the show, I showed it to him and he put his initials

on the back. He initialed the headstock. He's no longer with us, which means the guitar is even more valuable. Conan, that's terrible. I had this guitar with me at Saturday Night Live and it was back in my office the day that George Harrison walked in to the writer's room very late at night and was hanging out there for maybe a total of six minutes, but it was just such a big deal in my life. And I remembered contemplating going down to my office and getting the guitar and showing it to him and saying, look, it's a Gretsch Tennessean like the one you played in the second 1964 tour with the Beatles. But something in me said, he doesn't give a shit.

No. And which was good. I had that. That's very mature. Yes. That is very mature. Yeah. He was also.

Great restraint. He was also... Great restraint. He was quite inebriated at the time, too. He had been out with Lorne Michaels. There's a piano there in the conference room, and he sat down and started playing the piano, and Al Franken, as kind of a joke, but Al, I think, also maintains to this day that he really did think we needed to get our work done,

came out and said, quiet! And like slammed the cover of the piano down, just missing George's fingers. And George was startled and stumbled away, frightened because it was the first time in his life. Now let's contrast George Harrison, a Beatle, playing music for a bunch of comedy writers for a second and being told to shut the fuck up

and me doing it for 26 years badly, according to Jesse, and no one can say a word. What, is there a God god could there be a god if that could happen i don't think so i mean i think people have said things in their own way listen the guitar playing is not stopping that i know all right i have i have one uh myro slava says hi i'm a huge fan of the show and the podcast love what you guys are doing for conan at home i'm stuck in lockdown in france in a small student of the show and the podcast. Love what you guys are doing for Conan at Home. I'm stuck in lockdown in France

in a small student room by myself and watching Conan is really brightening up my days. My question is the following. How are guest interviews getting recorded these days? As far as I understand, those are Zoom calls, but how do you get the feed and put it together? You're asking a monkey how to build a space shuttle. That's a really, I'm really glad.

What's the name again? Mira, what is it? Miroslava or Miroslava? Miroslava. Yeah's a really, I'm really glad. What's the name again? Mira, what is it? Miraslava or Miraslava. Yeah. Mira, Mira. Tracton, France. That's a really good question. Mira, Mira.

I hope I'm saying that correctly, which is why I'm saying it so many different ways than the chance that I get it right. They are Zoom calls. What we do is people much smarter than I and much more tech savvy than I have a way of recording them. And basically, that's it. I am invited to a Zoom meeting and I click on it and I get on the Zoom meeting and then whoever it is gets on with me from wherever they are. And then it's really fascinating because some people have like a very nice presentation. They've given it a little bit of thought, like Kaley Cuoco was

in a very nice, brightly lit room. And she was wearing the nightgown that she wears all day around the house. And it was like talking to an angel. It was really, and then other people, I mean, I talked to Joel McHale yesterday and he was wearing giant headphones and he looked like he was backed into a corner of the garage where they shot everybody on the St. Valentine's Day massacre. And it was, you know, I just kept, I was giving him shit the whole time. So those are just, you get what you get. Like you talk to somebody and they've either given it some thought or they've given it no thought. I haven't minded doing the interviews over Zoom because I feel like you can eventually get the same kind of, it's not as good as being in person with the person, but it's, you can get into the pretty

good rhythm. So those I don't mind. I find doing comedy in a complete vacuum to be unnerving just because if I shoot it myself with the iPhone, which I do for most of the comedy, I've got to do it and then upload it to a thing called like Frame.io. Sweeney, you're familiar with this whole process, but I have to, and you too, Jesse, actually. And so I shoot it myself and I go through 50 takes on my own because I'm so self-hating and like, no, I could do better. I could do better. Then I finally get one I like and I send it out. You watch it upload for like 10 minutes and then finally it goes into the ether and then I don't hear anything. And then I'll contact Matt O'Brien, the head writer and say, what did you think? And he'll go, it's okay. I'll be like, all right, well, do you want me to do it again? He did that once.

That means he hasn't watched it. I really miss the immediate feedback. There's- The audience. There's a- Yeah. Well, it's not just the audience, it's humans. There's a group intelligence.

There's something I've noticed at work over the years, which is Paula Davis, the booker, will come to me and she'll come into my office and she'll say, this is kind of a weird idea, but, you know, what do you think about having the ghost of Richard Nixon on the show? You know, some, I'm just making that up, obviously. Oh, wait, he said no.

He said no. You know, what do you think of having the celebrity ex on the show? And I'll say, well, that's kind of strange. What did Jeff Ross say? And she'll say, the producer, and she'll say, he said, ask you. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's get three people in a room, literally three people in a room and ask the same question.

And there'll be a group response that will tell us exactly what the answer is. You know, there's a thing when you get a bunch of human beings together where you tend to get the right answer. It didn't happen with the Vietnam War, but... That was all done by Zoom. That was all done by Zoom, unfortunately. But that I find to be frustrating is just to be sitting here and thinking, huh, maybe it's funny if I do this thing. And then I do it and then I look at it and I'm not sure. And then I send it to one person and they say, yeah, but they haven't run it by anybody else. And you just everything takes forever.

It slows every. Yeah. It's the whole everything. Every step of the process has been slowed down yeah just enough to be a pain but i mean it's definitely things have definitely i think there's been a big learning curve oh i thought of an idea and that's the other thing too is i keep thinking of ideas and then realizing i can't do that idea because it violates social limitations yeah it violates social distancing but you know there's this thing of talk show hosts being

interrupted by their adorable children, you know, and the host is there like, OK, well, Trump today. And then the kid comes in the room and they're like, you rascal. And the kid's like, Daddy, what's happening? And everyone online goes, yeah, isn't this amazing? And I thought, wouldn't it be great? I would love to do a parody of that where I'm doing, I'm doing my zoom show or I'm doing my show. And then what I wanted to do was go, Oh my God, my son just burst into the room and slightly tilt the camera so that you could see, but it's Andre Dubichet, one of our writers. And, and he's playing my like 38-year-old estranged son, who I had by another woman, this is all made up,

but I had by another woman but never acknowledged him. And I go like, you rascal, you scamp, can't you see I'm doing a show right now? And he goes, what the fuck? You told me to come over here. You told me to fucking come over here. I don't even know why I'm over here in the first place. You never acknowledge mom.

You never paid for my fucking college. You knock her up in 1987 and then you totally fucking don't ever take responsibility. And I'm like, you, you rascal. I thought that would be a really funny sketch. And then I realized I can't have, be in the same room as an actor, especially if I'm screaming at him.

Why don't you have Andre move in and quarantine in your house in a different room for 14 days? And then he can play your son on every show. And then the resentment will become real. We should probably wind this up. Why? I'm good. Okay, here's another question. Someone wants to know where you got your eyeglass frames.

Oh, I'll tell you exactly. They're really cool. Jacques Marie Mage or Jacques Mar Image is what it's called. And I'll tell you exactly what the story is. For all things style, there's one guru for me, and his name is Jeff Goldblum. And Jeff Goldblum- He's got great style. Jeff Goldblum has amazing style

and we have certain similarities. We are both quite tall gentlemen with our own jazz bands. And so the second part's not true. He has a jazz band, I do not. But over the years, like I remembered, he did something on our show once and I was always having trouble just finding jeans

because my legs are so long and the jeans I can find that are like off the rack just look like shit. And I said to Jeff Goldblum, like, because he has similar build to me and I said, so Jeff, those jeans, he went, oh, oh, oh yeah, oh, oh, oh. It's this, oh yeah, it's this, it's this, it's this. I said, so Jeff, those jeans. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

My boy, my boy, my boy. Schaefer Garment Hotel. Mm, mm, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Schaefer Garment Hotel. You go there. Mm, oh, my boy. And so sure enough, he gives me the address. I go to this place.

These really cool guys come out. They have like an old machine that makes denim jeans from like 1880. That's so cool. They take some measurements and they made me these great jeans, which I wear all the time. Done. I'm done for jeans the rest of my life. So the last time that he was on the show, he comes out and he's wearing these great glasses. And I have a giant head and a big face. And comes out and on air, I was like, those glasses, those glasses are great. And he's like, oh yeah. Oh my boy. We'll have to talk.

The glasses. Five more minutes. Yeah. And so after the show, yeah. And so we both, he has eight mini orgasms a second. So after the show, he was like, yes, yes, yes. Oh, I'll tell you. And then he tells me about this place. and of course he says oh you've got to go it's way downtown so i go on this whole odyssey like lord of the rings i go through the misty mountains i i i battle orcs yeah i yeah i bought glasses for an orc and then of course i i buy these glasses and i finally got the glasses because it takes a while to get the frames installed and everything. I think they showed up maybe a week before the pandemic. So they showed

up just around the time I start shooting from home. Now, I don't need glasses for driving, you know, reading cue cards, pretty much doing anything I have to do on the show. So I don't wear contacts. I've never worn contacts in my life. And it's not a vanity thing. I just don't need them. But if I'm reading stuff, I do need glasses. And so I started wearing these. It's almost like somehow I knew on some subliminal level, I'm going to need to be wearing glasses on camera a lot. So get some decent ones. So I'm glad someone likes these. It's Jacques Marie M-A-G-E. Jacques Marie M-A-G-E. Yeah, really good stuff.

Cool. I love how certain people are focusing on things in the shot we're looking at now, which is the same shot you use for the top of the show when you record the show and when you do your interviews here's another one from alex k hi there what's the story with the

abraham lincoln sketch behind conan okay that is not wow someone must have stopped it's not a sketch no but what's really interesting is that it's not a sketch that is the last known photograph of Abraham Lincoln. A lot of people think it's this famous photo that you've seen a million times that was taken probably about three weeks before he died in 1865. This is a shot that was taken. Wait, we can't hear you. Please note, Conan has walked away.

I just walked away. I just walked away. I was just checking. This is a shot that was taken on the balcony. He was on the balcony of the White House and a photographer had set up and Lincoln's just looking off to the side and it's from March 6th, 1865. So he's got like five weeks left to live

when this photograph was taken and that was a gift from jeff ross our producer who got that for me sounds like a warning yeah yeah yeah keep playing the guitar buddy four weeks after you got it you were very nervous yeah and so um yeah it's interesting that The background is just, I always sort of like, as you know, I'm a big history buff and I just kind of like, I wanted my background for these shows. I didn't give it much thought at all.

These things were on the wall. And then the bust of Teddy Roosevelt was one that I have at work, but we grabbed it and brought it here just before the shit hit the fan right and uh i like having that back there and your mug your eisenhower mugs there yeah the eisenhower mug was a gift from robert smigel back when i was a writer on saturday night live that was on my desk at saturday night live then when i started the late night show and i was thinking of how to someone said to me

you got to personalize your desk is there anything anything you want on it? So I put two things on it. The Eisenhower mug that had been on my desk at Start Not Live and a mug that Greg Daniels of most good TV shows of the last 10 years fame, he made me a mug for my first show. And so I kept those two things on my desk. And then eventually, once I saw the way stagehands were treating them, I wisely had duplicates made. And so that's the original.

Okay, so the real Eisenhower mug was not on the desk. And this is the real Greg Daniels mug. he he did a drawing of me behind my desk and he said if you're ever at a loss for words pick one and it's all the stuff that i would mutter all the anyone who knows me knows that i say foolishness all the time and made up words so is murder on there? You know, murder isn't here, but salves and creams, murder, murder. No, murder, murder. I used to say murder,

the Shakespearean way. Sleep is nature's balm was something I used to say because it was a line from the movie Gothic that I hated so much. Oh my God, that's an awful movie. Yeah, and so I went and saw the gothic and it was this very pretentious i'm sure there are people listening right now

wearing 19th century clothing who are horrified who love that movie but it's all about shelly and keats and a crazy weekend they have julian sands julian sands and it's very pretentious and at one point a woman is getting hysterical and then she passes out and one of the actors looks at her, holds her as she passes out and says,

one says, well, she'll be all right. And the other one says, yes, sleep is nature's balm. And I stood up in the theater and went, what the fuck? People were like, sit down. No, they were,

shut up, sit down. Yeah, this is long before. He just filled, he just covered this mug with all the things that I would, because Greg and I were writing partners. And so talk about being sick of someone's bullshit. Greg was pretty much chained to me at the ankle from 1985 to 1991. There was like a seven-year period there where he just heard my bullshit around the clock. And so he made a mug for me filled with my idiocy. Wow, you were partners that long? I didn't realize it was that long. Yeah, we were partners that long? I didn't realize it was that long. Yeah, we were partners.

We came out to LA in August of 85 and we didn't know anything. And I remembered us not knowing anything about LA. So we thought Hollywood was the cool place where everyone lived. And anyone who's been out here knows that like, well, Hollywood's a good place to go if you want to meet a down on his luck Spider-Man. Right.

With Crotch Rot. Yeah. With Crouch Rot. Yeah, with Crouch Rot. But no one lives there on purpose. Yeah. And so Greg and I looked at a map and we was like, Hollywood? That's for us. And we chose like Oakwood apartment.

And I think it was on Vermont in Hollywood, like as far east as possible. And I remember us showing up and really thinking that we were going to see the beginning of like Beverly Hills Cop or Palm Trees, you know, everything you'd seen in TV shows about someone going to LA. And no, we were horrified immediately.

It hasn't gotten better. Yeah, we were both shot within the hour i think but but we were together for all those early years of fumbling around i would say about two and a half years in la working on different shows or three years and me doing improv at night and us trying different things. This is very relatable. Yeah, no, we would do.

And I remembered me taking a job as a, they needed an improviser. I heard about this from someone, somebody, some, I think kind of shady company was making promotional videos for a music industry convention. And they were shooting it like way, way out in the middle of nowhere.

And it almost like it was a porno, but I never got called for those. And they, but I remember driving out in my really crappy broken down car and they said, bring your own makeup. And I didn't know anything about makeup. So I just went to a drug store to the women's section and bought a compact.

I bought like different stuff, not knowing anything, and just smeared it all over my face in a really hot car. And I put the makeup on first and then drove through like the Central Valley desert for two and a half hours to try and find this place. And then did improv. Yeah, no air conditioning in this 1977. Oh, it was probably non-union. I was paid in more makeup. All those- Well, you're lucky you're alive.

Clip of that surfaced a few years ago. Yeah, yeah. I have it too. I have, you know what I have? I have a giant, like, what were those things called? Those giant bricks that you used to put into a VCR? Three quarter inch tapes. Yes. I have a three, this will really date, like young people listening to this. If there are young

people listening to this, yes. If you saw the tech, I have this and it's in a box and I found it. And I don't think the machine exists anymore for me to play this. The point is Greg and I were together for a long time and then, and God bless that man. He did stuff that drove me crazy. I did stuff that drove him crazy, but still one of the funniest humans you'll ever encounter. You both turned out,

it's unusual where two members of a writing team, both are super successful. You were both the Paul Simons. That's right. Wow. Yeah, it was Simon and Simon. Wait, that the Paul Simons. That's right. Wow. Yeah, it was Simon and Simon. Wait, that's a detective show. Another great detective show.

So yeah, no, it is always fascinating to me that he's exactly the same person. I think people tell me I have not changed. I've had a bunch of people who knew me. And Greg, I can tell you, has not changed at all. I just, he visited me just a couple of days ago cause it was my birthday and he wanted to visit me in a responsible way. And Greg, Greg was preparing for this pandemic in 1987. He showed up and man, he was wrapped. I could not see one inch of his skin anywhere. He had shirts and towels wrapped around his head.

He was wearing really thick glasses. He was wearing plastic gloves. He brought me a bottle of wine for my birthday and set it on the sidewalk and then backed away like it was a bomb. It was fantastic. It was fantastic. We have, let's see,

we actually have a really great voicemail to play for you. Can we go ahead? I mean, at this point, Conan, you're trying to avoid your family. Hi, good afternoon. My name is Sumi Guzman. I'm from Illinois. And I have a question about Conan's beard. I've been watching his interviews during quarantine on YouTube and Facebook, and I've noticed that Conan has grown his hair, but he hasn't grown out his beard. And I love a man with a beard. I love Conan, and I love his beard from where he wore it back 10 years ago. I thought he looked sexy.

I thought he was handsome. He's so much handsome. He's a very attractive man. So I want to know, Conan, why didn't you grow out that handsome beard during quarantine? I'm a big fan. I can't wait to go back to California so I can check out one of his shows, one of his tapings. Thank you so much. Stay safe, stay positive, stay healthy, and most of all, love yourself. Thank you very much. My God, that is, that woman is so fantastic

and very positive and clearly had a lot of caffeine. What is her name? She was very nice. I just want to say, first of all, thank you for that. Sunny, that, that. We'll get you a copy of that voicemail.

No, no, she's, I know. I want to make that, you know what I'm doing? I want to make that my outgoing cell phone message. When people try to leave me a message, hey, I'm a big Conan fan. Now that is really nice. That was very sweet to hear.

I'll tell you something. I have a bit of a thing where I have a, I don't know what to call it, but I've been there, done that kind of mentality sometimes. The beard was such an iconic thing. I mean, iconic, it sounds like I'm, yes, we all remember. But at that moment in my career, which was seminal and kind of important, and I just grew that beard and it was kind of a thing. Then Will Ferrell demanded that I shave it and he shaved it in a really funny way on TV. And after that, I felt like, well, that's it for the beard. And maybe that's why I'm not doing it.

I just felt like there's so many bits we've done where people say, how come you don't, hey, do that again? And I think, no, we did that. So now we have to try and think of something else. So maybe I just have to grow my mustache or eyebrows, eyebrows way out to the side and wax them so that they look like antenna. Oh yeah, curl them up like a mustache. Wait, now, Jesse, I need to get your opinion. Do you like a beard or do you like the clean shaven look? I personally prefer the clean shaven look.

But, I mean, the beard, I agree. I think it had, it did have a little bit of a depression feel, though. So, I don't think you're, I think you're, you know, facing this new phase more optimistically.

What you're telling people is that I'm medicated now. And it's good. It's good to get the word out on medication. The beard was in lieu of medication. Let's just make that clear. Yeah. I'm worried about her. Cause she said,

why didn't you grow it out during isolate me past tense? Like it's over. So maybe she's in Illinois. So I think they're, they're through it. Probably. That's a crazy thing. We have no idea when this is going to end still yes we do okay i lied we know we all know we know we know exactly when this yes yes yes because this is all just a

government trick um yeah i don't we don't know when it's going to end um i'm really trying to get into i know some people that are very good at getting into this Zen of it's bigger than us. I do have a personality that there are many things about this that do not suit me. The isolation, the lack of working with a bunch of people, constant laughter and constant reaffirmation. Those things I miss, but I am really good. When things are bigger than me, I get very calm. And I don't know, it's sort of like when I was a kid and there was just a giant snowstorm. You're like, well, it's so much bigger than me. There's nothing I can do.

You're kind of powerless. Yeah. We'll see. Yeah. You know, whoever your God is, your God will decide. I know it's almost a little bit of a relief in a way to just relinquish control because we're so used to having so much control in our lives. Yeah. And I think the important.

Yeah. Oh, no. You can't see this at home, but I just picked up a guitar. Reasserting control over your environment. Yeah. This is my way to dominate. Well, let's hear junk can't you can't afford that you can't well i think this is my cue to go so i'm just gonna yeah i think take my headphones off here jesse that's right you can leave if you've learned anything

that was conan o'brien you know what i've figured out a long time ago that if anybody If you've learned anything. That was Conan O'Brien. You know what? I've figured out a long time ago that if anybody, you know, if someone tries to corner you and ask you an embarrassing question, like in the media, you can always start. I was always thinking, why doesn't the person just start singing a Led Zeppelin song? Because it's, it's unclearable.

That's great. So if anyone ever corners me and says, hey, Conan, you know, we just found out that you avoided your taxes for three years. What do you have to say to TMZ? Just start to sing Stairway to Heaven. This was fun. I had a good time.

Oh, this is great. And I like that you guys, I do like that you guys do this. And I like that we try to be very open about how we make this and how imperfect the process is. But I know that if I was a young person interested in comedy, it would make me feel better to know that everybody who's actually doing it successfully is so dysfunctional. That's rule number one. Yeah. Well, and also that they all started, you know, they started somewhere. They started at a dilapidated apartment building in

on Vermont. Yep. Driving out to industrial ads. A 1977 Isuzu Opal. It looked like someone had murdered six people in the backseat with a butcher's knife. The backseat was all chewed up and there were all these dark stains. And it really did look like, oh, someone slaughtered livestock back there for a while. But anyway, I'll leave you on that happy image. Sorry about the guitar, everybody. Sorry. Thank you, Conan. Bye. Stay safe. Bye. Wow, that was Conan. That was Conan. It certainly was.

Thank you for listening. We're going to have more interviews and we're going to answer more questions next week. You can email us at InsideConanPod at gmail.com or leave us a voicemail. Sometimes we play them at 323-209-5303. Yeah, we got a lot of great questions and some voicemails this week, and we're definitely hungry for some more. So hunger is a strong term. So thank you for listening, Sweeney. Pleasure as always. It was great seeing you again on Zoom and hearing your voice. And we'll see you all next week.

Yeah, we like you. Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast, is hosted by Mike Sweeney and me, Jesse Gaskell. Produced by Jen Samples. Engineered and mixed by Will Becton. Supervising producers are Kevin Bartelt and Aaron Blaire. Executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. And Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Thank you.