Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - Deon Cole, Nick Centofante

Episode Date: March 22, 2019

Conan writers Mike Sweeney and Jessie Gaskell welcome comedian and Conan alum Deon Cole to talk about becoming a writer for Conan after doing stand-up on The Tonight Show, his short-lived series Deon Cole’s Black Box which Jessie wrote on, simultaneously working on Black-ish & Angie Tribeca, the time he was on an all carrot diet, and his dream to be in a Horror movie. Plus, Conan Office Coordinator Nick Centofante joins Mike and Jessie to discuss the soda discrepancy.Deon Cole: Black People Were Not Shocked By The College Bribery Scandal: https://teamcoco.com/video/deon-cole-black-people-were-not-shocked-by-the-college-bribery-scandalGot a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone] and e-mail us at [e-mail] Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

And now, it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Hey, everybody. Hi, everybody. It's us again. Hi, Mike Sweeney. I'm Jessie Gaskell. And welcome to Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Yeah, it's the only podcast, as far as I know, that takes you behind the scenes of the Conan show.

I think, you know, man, if there are other people doing this, I will be angry. Fuckers. Man. Yeah. It would also be sad. Yes. Very sad. And if they were doing better than ours.

I wanted that piece of the pie. But yeah, we're taking you behind the scenes about the show, the empire, the legend. The small villages. Yes. On the outskirts of the empire. We cover it all here on Inside Conan. I just like on Inside Conan. It's just like saying Inside Conan.

Yeah. Yeah, like it's something you can be an expert about. It's a TV show. So today we have an interview with a Conan alum. Yeah, he's here today because he's doing a sketch on the show. Yeah, and we love him. We love him very much. He was a writer for the show. Was a writer. Has gone on to bigger and better things. Oh boy, yes. Has left us all behind. Oh boy, yes. In the dust. Oh boy, yes. Yeah, Dion Cole. Dion Cole, we love him. This was quite an epic interview. It was. I learned a lot. It was pretty epic. It delayed the start time of

our show. He almost missed doing the sketch. Yeah. Because he was yakking to us. It was pretty epic. It delayed the start time of our show. He almost missed doing the sketch because he was yakking to us. But I think you'll enjoy it. Here it is. You're doing a sketch on the show today. I am. This is great. Yeah. I haven't done one in a while. Yeah, it's kind

of fun to come back and do a small kind. Yeah, I've thought of several. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Is that true? Anything that happens in the news, I think of sometimes. You know, you could fax those in. Yeah, you know what? You talk a good game. I just, well, you know, I have to be able to come do it, too. That's right. And that's sometimes the problem.

And you're too busy to actually, yeah. I'm not even going to say all that, but, you know, sometimes I can't make it. You're so busy. I was worried you were just going to go, ah, I'm not doing it. No. Oh, I know. Wait, but you're in the building can't make it. You're so busy. I was worried you were just going to go, I'm not doing this. No. Oh, I know. Wait, but you're in the building

for the next two hours. Nah, nah, no. Yeah, yeah, but I got popcorn to eat. I trapped him by the popcorn machine. You called me at the bar. That was my sanctuary

when I was here. That popcorn kept me going. Yeah, but tell us, you had some notes about the popcorn. You thought it was too salty. It was too salty. Yeah, it was real salty.

I don't know who was mixing that, but it's always been like that. How do you know he had notes about the popcorn? We're connected. We text. Well, he had notes about the cherries in right now

that he shared only with me prior to this podcast. So we're really connected. I mean, mind-bending. I wanted to see how you would react, Sweeney. Phone goes off. Well, I did. Popcorn is too goddamn salty.

You know what? I took the bait, and I'm jealous. Great. Sweeney. Oh, Dion, baby. So here we have some interesting dynamics, because, Sweeney, you were Dion's boss when Dion was a writer here at Conner. Sure, sure.

And Dion was my boss when I was a writer on Black Box. How crazy is this? And you are the boss. Yes, you are. And now I'm not really your boss anymore. I'm no one's boss. You're kind of my boss now. But I can call people.

I have two allegiances here, though, and I'm not sure where my loyalties lie. I would go with Dion. No, no. He's the old Spice Man. He can get you products. And whatever you come to me with, I'm going to go to him. He's still all about everybody's boss. Me?

I think he might. I've never had less influence than right now. I remember when I first started really working with him, I used to tell people about him. I used to be like, man, they'd be like, well, how is it working there? When I first started working at Conant, I'd be like, how is it working there?

I used to be like, it's okay. That sounds right. I said, but this is this one dude that's hilarious. And I'm not going to even lie. I used to be like, this one dude, he's hilarious. And they'd be like, who is he? I'd be like, I think he's like the head writer or something. I'm not gonna even lie I used to be like this one dude's one he's hilarious but who is he I'll be like I think he like the head writer or something I'm not sure but he like really funny you still don't know my name I don't know who he is but he's hilarious I we all check into him

that's why I'm like whatever but you were still unclear about the hierarchy oh I was so unclear oh I was so and you were worried it would get hierarchy. Oh, I was so unclear. Oh, I was so unclear. And you were worried it would get back to me. Oh, yeah, he's hilarious. Ho, ho, ho. I did. I used to be like, man. I was like, dude, it's funny.

I remember you telling us that Sweeney was, that he was basically hard AF. You were like, that guy Sweeney's hard. As far as like what? You just were saying that he went there in terms of I remember you telling us about or he would make jokes

about things that like taboo things oh no no no no never Sweeney never said that about Sweeney Sweeney was always clever super clever like everything he did Sweeney going to parties, super clever. Like, everything he did. Sweeney going to parties.

You know, I'm right here. I can contradict you. He could talk to 16 people at once, and not all together. And not well. Like, it's just all over the room. Sweeney plays the room well. Sweeney is somebody. I'm telling you, next time you're at a party with Sweeney,

just watch Sweeney at a party. Just grab you a plate full of appetizers and watch Sweeney is somebody I'm telling you next time you're at a party with Sweeney just watch Sweeney at a party just grab you a plate full of appetizers and watch Sweeney it is amazing how he does it which Sweeney is it this is not me

Mike Sweeney Mike Sweeney I'm telling you one of the most fascinating one of the most fascinating guys I agree with you I'm serious

no I'm serious I'm serious very fascinating yes maybe we should we've got to get you very fascinating yes maybe we should we've got to get you guys please let's we should go back

for the listener and explain a little bit of of how Dion came to work with the show because you

it's kind of a magical trajectory you started as you did stand up on was it on Late Night or on the

No on the Tonight Show okay oh my Late Night or on the Tonight Show? No, on the Tonight Show. Oh, okay. Oh my God. I'm sorry. The Tonight Show, yeah. Why don't you let Senor Fascinatino talk. Fascinatino. No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So. Tonight Show. No, you go ahead. No, I don't. Go Swings, go. You know what? Dion will speak in my podcast. He's doing a good job.

No, no, no. Yes, it was a Tonight Show. Yes, it was. Go ahead. And then we're offered a job as a writer based on how much you killed. I guess. I still really don't know the total everything about that.

To this day, I don't. I really don't. I just know after I finished, my manager called me and was like I think they want you to like come over there and write and I was like write what what they want me to write like what and they was like come over

there and write I'm like write I'm like really like write still couldn't understand it I'm like I got these NACA shows that I have to do because it's this thing called NACA is for college. NACA is college. You'll go to this audition where

it's like a thousand representatives from all these colleges all over the country. Region. Yeah, region. And you perform and then they all choose you to come to their school. So I had one like probably like 350 schools. And I was like about to tour and hit it and then they was like yeah you should come around and I was like damn I was like

I don't I was like I don't know if I'm gonna do that like because I want to do these shows and my manager was like no you you have to go over there and I I was just like, well, and this is real. I was like, I'm going to stay over there for probably like two weeks. I'm not even lying. I was like, I'm going to stay over there for about two weeks, see how it go. And then if it don't feel right, then, you know, I'm just going to leave. And that first week, I was like, I'm definitely out of here. Because I wasn't used to waking up at seven in the morning being somewhere you know I'm saying because I was a comic I was a late night comic I went to bed at seven in the

morning I didn't like be nowhere and then when I came here it wasn't like I fit in or nothing like everybody was like it was people that went to, like, I think Brown University. No one? Emmy Award winning writers and all these guys sitting up like, that was so intimidating. I was just like, oh, my God. Like, I couldn't write nothing. Because I tried to write like everybody. I tried to write like that and I couldn't write. I couldn't write like that. I just was like, man, like, I just was uncomfortable.

Had you ever written material for somebody else? Yeah. I wrote was like, man, I just was uncomfortable. Had you ever written material for somebody else? Yeah, I wrote for Ricky Smiley, comedian Ricky Smiley. I wrote for him for, he was hosting this thing called Comic View. I wrote for him, and then I wrote my own sketches with a friend of mine in Chicago.

We was doing sketches and stuff, and so I knew how to write a sketch, you know, because I was doing it. And plus at Second City, we had this group called Forgotten City in Chicago. So we was doing sketches there. So I knew how to write a sketch, but I just, it just didn't, I just wasn't. But not in Conan's voice. Not in Conan's world.

And it was just like, I remember calling my, my, my, my, my, my, one of my friends and they was like yo so how you can't curse on here right so yeah oh yeah yeah so they was like how is that shit i was like man this shit ain't this shit ain't for me i was like i was like we ain't got nothing in common and so he was like so when you leave and i was like i'm probably giving another week and then i'm out i was like i'm just gonna hang around for a minute so i I came to work and... And then you got the paycheck. No, no. I didn't even care about that. I just was like no, but I didn't care about that. I'll tell you

what happened. You heard a clever voice. Yo, Erica Brown? Yeah. Erica Brown came to my office to give me my business cards. And she was like, here's your business cards. And I was like here's your business cards and i was like this i said you can sit them on i said you can sit them on a on the on the desk and she she looked behind her because that's what black people do when they're about to say

something racist she was like yo we need you in that writer's room they never had a black person over there you got to be in there. You got to represent us. And I was like, bitch, don't you put that on me. I know. Don't you put that on me like that. Too late. Don't you do it.

And I was like, I understand. I was like, but look, I don't even know what it fits for me. She was like, you got to do it. And then she was like,

bye, and she left. Oh my God. And I was just like, yo, you can't do this. And you just stared at those business cards. No, I just sat there like, yo, this is crazy. And then Chris Hayes

came in my office. Our head of IT. Our head of IT here. And he was like, man, I need to put your computer together. And I said, okay. And then I saw him

looking around. And I said, you bet not, motherfucker. You bet not. And he was like, you got to. I was like, no, don't do that to me.

I didn't know if Eric has come to see me. I don't know if Eric has come. I was like, you got to. I was like, no, don't do that to me. I didn't know if Eric has come to see you. I don't know if Eric has come. I was like, don't do that to me, man. And he was just like, no, I'm serious. Just, man, you got to represent us. And I was like, God damn. That's a lot of weight.

And that was the reason that kept me here. That was the first reason that had me go, I'm going to stay another week. Wow. I said, I'm going to stay another week. Wow. I said, I'm going to stay another week and I sat and I waited. And then it kind of went on a little bit longer and I just didn't feel right.

And then one day, and this was the game changer. We were in a writer's session and they were telling us about, they were writing a sketch for Andy and it was called Oktoberfest. And they was like writing a sketch and they were asking everybody if they wanted to chime in and I was like this

I said what's Oktoberfest and I believe it was and it was like you don't know today I'm like no it was a German drinking day and I was like a German drinking day and I was like that's fucked up and then somebody was like what I was like everybody got a goddamn drinking day you got Mex like that's fucked up and then I think somebody's like what I was like

everybody got got a goddamn drinking day you got Mexicans got Cinco de Mayo Irish got St. Paddy's Day Germans got Oktoberfest I'm like well we don't got no black drinking day I was like we need a black drinking day and right there Sweeney and them was like write that up yeah and I was like oh yeah I was like what that's like no no no write that up write that up and then was like, write that up. And I was like, what? They was like, no, no, no, write that up. And I was like, I really don't. And Sweeney was like, I'm gonna come to your office, I'm gonna show you. And he showed me another script, and he was like, use this as your

template. And I looked at it, and we wrote it all down. And actually, Sweeney typed it up for me. Typed it, typed it, and we sent it. And then we sent it for Conan to say it. And Conan was supposed to say it. And then rehearsal, I believe it was in rehearsal or before rehearsal, Conan read it and was like,

nah, let him do it. Yeah. And it was like... Because it was in your voice. So now I'm like, what? Like, what the fuck? Like, how am I going to do it? And they were like, come on out.

Come out of the curtain and do it. And I was like oh oh man like are you serious like yeah and meanwhile i had called hayes you delivered those lines perfectly. You delivered, you made them stay. They're not even live. They're not even live. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yo, I went out, did it, and man, that shit crushed.

Yes. Like, hard to the point where, like, for real, where it was like, yo, like, that felt different. That was something different. That was something new. That was something different that was something new that was something fun and it was kind of like okay and then sat back and then i think after that it was something else that i said something just gingerly just saying that it was like write that up and i was like what like yeah make sweeney type it you You fucker. Yeah, I'll stick around. Sweeney types.

I ain't learned to type for like a year. Yeah, let's do it. Give it to Sweeney. Sunglasses on. Give it to Sweeney. He'll type it up. I need to go. I gotta go.

I gotta go. I'll be back. That's when he started coming in at 1 p.m. Yeah, I was like, have my own popcorn machine. Did you script ready, sweetie? It'd be Wednesday.

Wednesday. Yo, and right after that, man, it was just this rhythm that started happening where it was almost like, you know,

nobody compromised who they were and that's how I was feeling at first. I was feeling like I was compromising myself a little bit, trying to be like

everybody else and then, Initially. Initially. I'm talking about first. I was feeling like I was compromising myself a little bit, trying to be like everybody else. And then. Initially. Initially. I'm talking about initially. Once the water broke. Yeah, yeah. Once we found that.

Once we found that niche. And that's what it was. It was what the show was missing. Man, I remember TV Guide. It was this dude named Bruce Fawcett, who was a writer on TV Guide. And he wrote up a Star is born on a TV guy and had my picture and was talking about late night and talking about how Conan got this new

weapon and all this other stuff and I was like and now I think that was the moment I was like yo this is crazy and then after that I think we got nominated for like for writing I wasn't even thinking about Emmys and all of that I wasn't that was the furthest from my mind man I was like what like I would have never said I was gonna quit if I had had all this in mind you get what I'm saying because I didn't have in the mind it was just my comfortability at the time I was just like I don't know but then yeah we got nominated just my comfortability at the time. I was just like, I don't know. But then, yeah, we got nominated for Emmys and all of that. Everything was like,

it was great. And then we had to go. Oh, right. Yeah. I know. I'm a tonight show. I know. I was like, what happened next? I'm so excited. What?

What about my popcorn machine? What am I doing with that? We had a popcorn machine over there? Upstairs. Yep, all the way in the back, right next to the ice cream machine. Right, right, right. So I think it was popcorn. It wasn't a machine, but it was popcorn.

I don't remember why that all ended, The Tonight Show. But anyway. We'll get to the bottom of it. And that was crazy too because I'm still not knowing that this is like history being made. And I'm like, just, you know,

just happy that, man, that I found my niche. I was more mad about that. I was like, golly, we finally found a rhythm and a rhythm that was me. You that. I was like, golly, we finally found a rhythm. And a rhythm that was me.

You know what I'm saying? I didn't have to write like nobody else. It became where, after a while, it became where they began to write in my voice. Right. You know what I'm saying? It became like that instead of me trying to write like them. They began writing from my voice. So everyone was typing for you. No, no, no.

No, no, but, no, but. He's like, you motherfucker. No, but it was, but then it started like, like I said, it was gelling, and then right at that moment, it was like, it's over. And I was like, golly, how did that happen? Think of what could have been.

A month later, you were part of the tour. That's right. Yo, so then that happened, yes. Literally within a week of the Tonight Show ending, it was like, let's do a live tour. And then Conan was like, oh, Dion has to be part of the tour. So you were one of the acts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One of the closing acts. Came out and did like 10, 12 minutes at the end of every night. Because right after me, he would come out and play the guitar and do a couple of, do another song and then do his goodbyes or whatever.

You were in the, yeah, kind of the middle, towards the end of the show. So yeah, it was kind of like a headlining. Yeah, yeah. No, no, I never was headlining because he did a song and then after that he was like hey to say hey what's

up to people and i think he brought people on after that was a whole closing ending you know after that but after the packages and stuff like that that he played and that was fun that was great we did 42 cities first time ever First time ever on a private jet. Let me tell you another funny story. I had to take a bus. No, he was on there. The first day, I was just like, oh, my God, I'm going on a private jet. This is crazy.

This is nuts. And I packed all my stuff, and I had this Gucci trolley, and I had this Gucci garment bag, and I had a Gucci backpack. And I remember getting on a plane so excited, and it was Sweeney, Andy, Jeff, and Conan. And they all was just sitting there. And they had just little black bags. Yeah. Just simple black bags. Yeah, Samsonites.

Just little, you know, sensible. And I got on a plane, and I remember Jeff going like this. Yeah. Just simple black bags. Samsonite. Just little, you know, sensible. And I got on a plane and I remember Jeff going like this. Wow, that's some fancy luggage you got. That's yours? Right at that moment. Had you bought it just for this trip? No, I had it already. Oh, you already had it.

I felt this small. Because I'm looking at them and I'm going, damn, all these dudes have millions of dollars. I have $10, and I'm going, damn, all these dudes have millions of dollars. I have 10,000, I think, in my bank account. And I got this. And I lied instantly. I was like, nah, I borrowed this.

And he was like, oh, you should ask him if you can keep it. I was like, huh. And I walked in the back and I was like, I would never carry all this shit again ever in my life. Oh, wow. But I sat there. You learned a lesson because rich people are very cheap. I did.

And I learned that. I'd like to clarify. I do not have millions of dollars. Man, no. Yes, you do. And I'll throw Andy in that category too. You all have millions. I mean combined. Don't let them tell you that they don't have millions.

You mentioned Gucci. Did I hear you say in rehearsal today that you saw Jeff Ross at the Gucci store? I saw him not only once. I saw him back to back. Weekend. Oh my God. I was in there one weekend. He was there and I couldn't believe it was him. In Beverly Hills, I'm assuming?

Rodeo Drive. The big one. Yeah, I don't know because I'm not a millionaire. The flagship store, yes. Yes. And I'm like, yo, what are you doing here? He was like,

what you doing here? I'm like, you know, picking up some shit. What you doing? He was like, you know, I was just picking around. I said, oh.

Oh, you busted him. I said, wow. I said, okay, cool, Jeff. What if he had bought the same luggage that you had on your plate? It was on his to-do list for six years. I would have been hugging him, pointing at his luggage.

So look, I go back the next weekend. And guess who I see again? Wait, what was he doing there? Did he work there? I don't know. Is that his other gig? I thought he was buying something for him. Somebody.

He was doing something. Did he make you sign a non-disclosure? Like, did he say, hey, uh. No, but he was burgundy in the face. Yeah. Wow. He was like this. Oh, my God.

It's you again. I'm like, what are you doing here so much? Oh, we have to get to the bottom of this. Where should we send Dion? I know. No, it's probably Gucci because Jeff will think there's no way it could happen three times. I saw him two weekends back to back and I was like, what are you doing here? Will you go to a Bugatti dealership this weekend?

Jeff, what are you doing here? Please, you're killing me. You're killing me. Just stop going out. You're killing me. Oh my God. That's. Just stop going out. You're killing me. Oh, my God. That's pretty good. That's funny.

Yeah, man. So, yeah. And after that, we- The tour was fun. Yeah. And then we came back to TBS. We came back to TBS. Got to show TBS.

I want to hear how you and Jesse met. So, you're TBS doing great. And then, so great, you got your own pilot to do your own show which was really funny called Dion Cole's Black Box. Black Box, yeah, I was doing Black Box and that was great

and I love that opportunity and that was great but we just, we couldn't see eye to eye and I wanted to keep going but they did a commercial that pissed me off for my show.

It was a woman chopping like watermelons with her breasts. Oh, no. And I just was like, what the fuck is this? Oh, my God. Because they kept trying to make me a kick in the nut show. They wanted me to be like a Tosh. Like a Tosh, right.

They want to do that shit. But I was doing like topical stuff. We was talking about Amanda Bynes. We was talking about shit in the news. And that was Trayvon. Yeah, Trayvon. We was talking about Amanda Bynes. We was talking about shit in the news. And that was Trayvon. Yeah, Trayvon. We was talking about actual stuff in the news, but they kept trying to pitch me as

you know, watch these YouTube videos with Deon Carr. And it was like, yo, that ain't me. When I still tell people, I think it was like a year too early because a year later that stuff was like people were talking about let me tell you

something and i say this on the work record i don't care what he said john oliver had me do um he had a stand-up show on comedy central called john oliver comedians or whatever and it was like in new york i remember that yeah so i did the show yeah john was a big fan of me from conan like man man y'all over there that's great y'all killing it over there man I love your new show I was like

black box I was like thank you man he said man I love it man I love that lady with the knife knife brush

he was just like yo I love it man I was like thank you so much man you know it's fun man it's fun I said

I got a little writing team a little cast I said we I got a little writing team, a little cast. I said, we just putting it out. And John Oliver, when I seen his show on HBO, it is the exact same show. Yeah, yeah. It's the exact same show because he deals with what happened a week prior because that's what we did. Yeah. We only had to talk about what happened prior in a week and we discussed it.

That was a whole thing to talk about what happened prior in the week, and we discussed it. That was the whole thing, to talk about what happened, and he did the same thing. I was like, yo, that's crazy that he did with HBO. But yeah, that was something else. But anyway, that relationship didn't pop off like that. So then I was like, you know what? I think it's time for me to kind of like to skate. And I was like, I really didn't want to leave or nothing like that my

mama was sick my mom was like why would you leave your health benefits oh no that's all parents care about that's all they care about is your health benefits why would you leave your health benefits and your dental and your vision

why would you leave your pension was about to vest why would you leave your pension was about to vest why would you leave I was like yo I was like I just I don't know if I can go back on a writing staff after having that kind of show

and just I was like I said I don't I said I don't know what's gonna happen but I know I'm gonna have to be me doing it and I'm going to have to be me doing it. And I'm just going to have to go out there and see what happened or whatever. And right after that, TBS hit me and was like, yo, it's this show Steve Carell's doing called Angie Tribeca. And you were like, who? Yeah, I was like, at first I was like, who about TBS?

And then they was like, yeah I was I was mad at them For what they For what they did to me What I felt like they did to me Cause Black Box was on Black Box was And we was And we was

We was Jess Yeah Jessie was a writer on that show I was a writer on that show Jessie was a writer on that show I loved I loved writing on that show

It was crazy fun It was so fun And it was really I felt like we really had Something to say And it was not Something you were hearing Anywhere else on TV Nowhere on TV And I was so fun. And it was really, I felt like we really had something to say. And it was not something you were hearing anywhere else on TV. Nowhere on TV. And I was so proud of it.

And our ratings was great. We had great ratings. The ratings wasn't even a problem. I remember it was a couple weeks that we was the same ratings as Conan's was. Because we were right behind Conan. Like Conan and our show was right behind and we didn't lose one follower that Conan had. And I was like, this is great. This is going great, yeah.

This is great. So it never was about none of that. So when they did that, I just was like, eh. But I went and did that. And Steve Carell didn't have a part. They wanted me to be like the black lieutenant that's screaming and stuff. And that's what I went out for.

And he was like, I don't want you being a black lieutenant screaming. And I was like, oh, he was like, so we're not going to need you for this show, for that role. And I said, oh, I said, it's fine. It's cool. And he said, but we're going to write you in. Oh, that's great. Oh, OK. write you in oh that's great oh okay and he was like yeah we we just he was like so the first year you might not be that visible but we're gonna figure out what your role is oh cool so we'll

just write a character for you right then two weeks later they was like you dj tanner from uh From Full House. Like, that's going to be your name. That's really funny. I was like, wow. And so as I was waiting on that show to pop off, I was sitting around not doing nothing because they took a long time for us to shoot that. And this woman by the name of Tamara Goins was like, hey, this guy named Kenya is putting his show together and he needs a writer. And I said, okay.

I said, what's the name of it? And they was like, it's called Blackish. And I was like, okay. I was like, so what they want me to do? They was like, write for this character named Charlie. And I said, okay. And so I was pitching to him what I think the character should be.

And then they was like, okay, fine, cool. Because the character was actually Charlie Murphy. That's why his name was Charlie. They spoke to Charlie Murphy. So right when they were about to shoot, Charlie Murphy was like, I don't feel like leaving New York and leaving my kids. So I don't want to do it at the last minute. So Kenya asked me, he said, man, can you

play this character? And I was like, I said, yeah, I'll play it. But I knew I only could play it once because I had my deal with TBS. So I said, I'll play it. But I knew I only could play it once because I had my deal with TBS. So I said, I'll play it. And then two African-Americans on the show came into your office and said, you got to do it more than once, man. And you're like, this whole show's black. Erica and Hayes, what are you doing over here?

Erica and Hayes, why y'all working on these shows? Your chorus, your great chorus. No, but then after I did it once, they was like, can you do it again? Can you do it again? And then we had this big fight with TBS and ABC. Oh right, because two shows. You shouldn't be over there, you can be over here.

So then they allowed me to do, TBS allowed me to do probably like eight, nine episodes, and then I had to come do this. And so out of them eight, nine episodes, it just took me somewhere I've never been before like that must be the thing it was crazy yeah and then were you like I'm supposed to be two places at once I'm driving it was crazy you had two networks five but it was love though like they got after that then the second season they start getting along what it was like okay you can do these many shows and then you come over here and

then they'll start really working then the third season i started doing blackish grownish right yeah spinoff for grown right and anzie tribeca i was doing all three it's crazy can i can i ask you a question off of this i i not yeah plus how many live stand-up shows are you doing a year while doing all this? I was doing – Because you were out gigging all the time, too. Right. Well, I had to quit. I had to quit my stand-up until like the spring, summer.

All right. So I would push all my dates off until the spring and summer. But I would do some shows if it was just a Saturday night. Right. If it was a theater Saturday night I would go do the Saturday and then I'll fly back for Sunday and I would do that but yeah like

that was like my everyday weekly run no friends, no family no nothing yeah just brutal but you got health insurance I hope yeah that was your mom. That's what I told my mother.

A triple coverage. When Blackish came around, I was like, I got my dentals. She was like, praise Jesus. Finally. You do have beautiful teeth.

Oh, no, thank you, yes. We'll be back with more Dion after this break. I do want to ask Dion about something that I remember from working at Black Box, which was, do you remember when you were on an all-carrot diet? Ah, yes. I've heard this. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. Can you tell us how that started? I just was trying to eat something that I wouldn't get fat on. And was that because you were now on camera all the time? Yeah, so I was trying to really stay lean. And so I just was eating carrots. And then I turned orange. This is another good PSA.

This is real shit. We was in the writer's room one day at Conan. I turned orange. This is another good PSA. This is real shit. Yeah. We was in the writer's room one day at Conan. I turned orange one day. I was just sitting there, and I was licking my hands. I just freaked out in there like, ah, I'm orange. And everybody was like, what? Then they looked, and they was like, whoa, no fucking way.

Like, I'm orange. I literally, because like a baby, if you feed a baby too many, like, whoa, no fucking way. Like, I'm orange. I literally, because like a baby, if you feed a baby too many like carrots and peas, they'll turn. Yeah. Like, I actually turn orange. Oh, it just makes, because I know, I remember that like that was kind of, it was that turn from like, okay, I'm on the show sometimes. Now I'm a host. So you have to think about, worry about being in shape. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what you're eating. I remember you were, and yeah. Worry about being orange. Things like basics. I didn't think that grownups can change their color like that. So that tripped me out.

But you were eating a lot of carrots. I was eating a bag of those. A bag, yeah. A bag, yeah. A bag a day. Like, that was crazy. But that was all I knew to eat at the time, because everything else was just so fattening and stuff. Yeah.

But yeah, I remember that. Dan Cronin came by and started singing Halloween songs. But just off the thriller. That was a stretch. We'll cut that. One time, when we was on tour, I drank up all the liquor in a mini bar. In Vancouver. In Vancouver.

Drank up all the liquor in my mini bar. Drank it up. Actually, I had... Yes! It was Aaron Belliard. I was there for that. Yes, this was... Can I just say,

so we were... I played the Masquerading Baron tour and Dion was killed every night. It was so fun. And we were all, we were in Sweeney's room, I remember. And then it was like, okay, well, you know, most of everyone is going to bed. And Dan's like, come on back to my room. I'm like, all right, this is awesome. Like, yeah, go back to his room. And we're staying

he's staying in a very nice hotel and I had never touched a minibar in my life at this point never like brought up to never and he's like come on come on opens the minibar it was a really nice hotel and just goes

and pulls everything out and I was like I was horrified. And then it was great. It was unbelievable. And then we drank a bunch. We drank. And then I have to get up at eight in the morning

and you get to sleep all day because you're performing. I remember you were leaving. You didn't have to show up until seven. Yeah. He was like, I can't keep doing this. I'm going to go.

Please. I'm going to go. I got to go. I got to go. I got to go. One more. Let's do it. It was one of the best nights of my life. It was so fun.

We kicked it so hard. So fun. And so. So when I woke up and I noticed all of the liquor was gone and I noticed how much that cost. It's like $2,000. Oh, it was the stupidest. So I went out to the liquor store and I bought a whole bunch of little mini bottles

and replaced them. That's so smart. But didn't that, wait, didn't you walk all over Vancouver? I walked all over Vancouver. To find all those bottles. So it took you all day. Probably like three hours, two and a half hours.

And then a lot of places I was going to, the stores were in OPS. So I had to leave, go to another store, and then come back to the store. But I got everything except for a Snickers. Oh, that's amazing. And a Hennessy. You should have just come back to my room. I'm a millionaire. I have the cash.

I would just give you the money. Boom, you're back in business. Why didn't I think of that? I should have been like, Sweeney got a million dollars. Yes. I got to borrow some money. Drinking all the liquor out of a

minibar makes me think of a scene from a movie. The movie Flight. Do you know where I'm going with this? Oh, yes, I do. There's that scene where Denzel Washington drinks he's recovering alcohol.

Oh, it's the best scene in the world. I watch just this scene sometimes on YouTube because it's so good. But I thought you were bringing up something else. I was going to, yeah. Well, I don't know. I've only heard this story secondhand,

so I feel like one of you needs to tell it. Yeah. When the movie Flight came out with Denzel Washington, I was like, yo, the scene with the plane going upside down, I was like, this shit looks epic. I'm going to see this shit. And I was fucking this shit looks epic I'm going to see this shit and I was fucking around with about I don't know probably

about five women at the time and I had to go see that shit five times in one weekend I was sitting in there were you getting texts like oh are you going to see flight with me this weekend I saw it five times in one weekend.

And you pretended it was the first time. I was in there like this. Towards the fourth time, I was like, whoa, that's crazy. Did you at least change the movie theaters where you were worried? They're like, man, you must love this movie. I went all over Los Angeles. I went all different. Yeah, I went to all the different theaters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whitland, Sunset. Why are we driving 30 miles out of our way? We've passed three flights. No, no, no, no. This theater has the best seats. I'm tired of going to that theater. You know what's crazy?

You saw Jeff Ross at all of those. Jeff, what are you doing here? Wearing a Gucci scarf. Don't tell anybody. Yeah, man. Great, great, great, great times, man. Here. Yeah, I mean. And at the movie Flight. And the movie Flight.

Well, now, also on tour, Gus, who is a legendary tour manager. I mean, just for all these big rock bands. Foo Fighters. And then we got him for our lame stand, you know, our comedy tour. And I had never dealt with someone like that. But you could tell he's used to doing rock bands. And he makes those trains run on time.

Oh, yes. He was a bullshit. And you were late exactly once for the morning band. I was late once, and I thought, he barely said anything to me, and I almost cried. And then I remember, do you want to tell what happened? Go ahead, go ahead. Well, we were in the lobby, and I think we had to meet at quarter to nine, and I think it was in Seattle, and he's like, where's Dion?

And we're like, I don't know, I haven't seen Dion. And he goes, I'll be right back. Everyone else, get in the van. And so then. He kicked in my door. Like, yo, get downstairs downstairs now we're all downstairs waiting on you I'm like and you were in bed right?

yeah I was knocked out my head was this way body that way mini bottles everywhere I'm like yo he just scooped everything up put it in my bag and we walked out didn't brush my teeth. Oh, no.

Didn't wash up. Nothing. I just came right down like bloodshot red, smelling like mini liquors. And that was it. Never late again. Never late again. He was so serious, though. Yeah, man.

He was like, yo. That's terrifying. At this time. When he was business business he was really serious but when it wasn't business sweetest guy on planet earth very sweet but very impressive

yeah and if you asked him anything like hey you know what time is sound check tomorrow and they gave you this bible for the tour

if any sentence was in that bible and if you dare to ask something that was in that book it was like read the book read the book and get the fuck out of my face was in that Bible and if you dare to ask something that was in that book, it was like,

read the book. Read the book and get the fuck out of my face. Okay, Gus. You got it, buddy. Yeah, man. Anything you want to know, he had it typed up in this book. I typed it.

You have to read the book. You motherfucker. I was telling him, Ghiswini, you're type D. He likes to type G. I'll do it for you, Ghis. Yeah, man. Great times, man.

Great times. Yeah, yeah. Well, I will say you're missed around here. Oh, God. We always love when you're here. Yes, we do. Love being here. And I drop stuff.

If I can drop it, I will. Drop or die, man. I come through all the time. You do. I learn so much here, man, that I use on an everyday basis with anything, any project I do, anything. I'm constantly

telling people, less is more. Get to the funny. Gotta get to the funny. Just get to the funny. I learned that here. I learned every moment can be magical. If every moment was magical, we wouldn't have magical moments. I learned that here. I haven't learned that yet.

Conan told me that. I never heard get to the funny either. I go by no rush to the funny. Maybe in three weeks like this is my dance more successful no no we used to say that the rights room used to be like man like like let's just get to the funny let's condense it let's get to the funny yeah like i just remember sure you know yeah yeah sure that's better you know so you know it's it's uh

it's a fear it's a fearless atmosphere over here, you know, and it prepares you. You really don't know how prepared you are until you, like, leave here and go somewhere else. And then you go, oh, oh, shit. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, like, you know, because here it's being able to take the no. That's the job to me is the, yeah. It's the no. Right. It's the nah, that don't.

And you definitely get used to hearing no. Oh, yeah, man. Nah, that don't work. No, that don't work. No, that don't work. If you get used to that and don't let your feelings get involved, then you're going to be straight. I remember one time I wrote this bit for Conan where I wanted him to wear a new suit, you know, a Steve Harvey kind of suit. Oh, yeah.

And I think I went and had like 50 suits that I like rented to come out. And I had this suit where I had Scott and them put lights in the suit. So when he put the jacket on, it lit up. It was great. Yeah, it was funny. And he was like, nope. And I was like, all right, let's get these suits out. All right, let's get all these suits.

The guy who brought the suits, he's like, you don't want the suits? I'm like, look, thank you very much for coming. And you have some wonderful suits. Scott was like, you don't want the suit? I'm like, no, we can't. But you wear the light-up suit now. Yeah, yeah, there we go. D.R. Cole, turn the lights out. I was like, I'm going to put the suit on.

No, no, yeah, man. But yeah, if you. Turn the lights out. I'm coming soon. No, no. Yeah, man. But yeah, if you can take the no, that's the job is taking the no. It's not all the success. It's taking the no and learning from it. That's a really good lesson. It is a good lesson. And also, I think you are inspiring in the way that you've trusted your gut about things.

And you knew that you, rather than try to conform to fit into a certain situation you were like i have to find a way that this works for me being me and not changing absolutely yeah and and and and having people to believe in you too you know i mean people have to believe in you and see that you're like authentic because to be honest with you I don't care in my in my whole career anything I've ever auditioned for I never got to this day I've never got it I've always dealt with people who felt a certain way about me and took a chance on me to this day like Conan there was no auditioning I got this. Steve Carell, I auditioned for a role, didn't get it. He wrote me in.

But they wrote you a different one. Kenya and them, they was like, somebody dropped out and they was like, yo, can you do this? The Old Spice people was like, yo. You were taking a shower. I was taking a shower and they was like, wow. We like his shower take. We really like it.

We like the way he takes showers. Look at him with the spot. Yeah. Look at that lather he, you know, so, so it's, so it's always been these, these moments where people just been like, yo, but anything I audition for, I never got because people have certain people in mind for certain things that

they write and they go, we want that person. Well, if you're a person that is unique in your own way, they ain't gonna never think of you to be a part of this because you don't they didn't think of you so they're not gonna use you you know what i mean so that's been my whole thing my whole career is that you know that um i'm nothing that you going to like probably and i ain't not in no conceited way just the way i you know execute what i do is like it might be different than well because you don't fit cliches in a lot of ways you know so it's yeah the good thing is you're out doing a lot of stuff so so that yeah the audition

process may not be as critical for you because a lot of people see what you do and it does before that yeah before that though but I still audition. I auditioned just recently for the Sparrow movie and they was like, nah. And I was like, I get it. I was like, I'm not going to be that black dude with no mustache just walking around and sitting up, kicking it and acting like that. No mustache. That cliche.

I don't like that shit. Any black man without a mustache. I don't like that shit. No. Any black man without a mustache, I don't trust him. Would you want to be in a horror movie, though? Is that, like, what are the things that are kind of in your goal, on your vision board?

That is my vision board. Oh. If I can get in a horror movie, I will cry. Like, when you think, what kind of horror movie? Let's throw this out there. Whatever horror movie there is, if I can be in a horror movie, I will cry.

Like cry. Oh my God, let's write a horror movie for Deanna. Like a large horror movie. Like I would love that. Yeah. We have to get you in one. Always wanted that, you know. And I just auditioned for one and they was like, nope.

I was like, all right, it's all good. But I think the way that these casting directors and directors and producers are, I look at it like it's almost like shopping. You know, where you got a blue suit and you need some blue shoes and you're looking for shoes. And you might see these green shoes. They don't go with your blue suit, but they really look nice. So you're going to remember remember them but you're not gonna get them for this suit and then you'll go get these blue shoes for this suit but then you'll be like you know what i remember these green shoes that i had and you might go get a whole

new suit just to go with these shoes so that's how i kind of look at the situation i go maybe i'm just a green pair of damn shoes you know because they they do remember me you know and they'll come back later on or something like that but yeah but as far as like the initial audition for something never never got it well there's gonna be a horror movie written that would be great just

keep man I promise you I would love to be keep your mustache and I'm gonna keep my mustache guys he's black and with a mustache let's make history Ailey is proud of anything. Keep your mustache. And I'm going to keep my mustache. Guys. He's black and with a mustache. Come on, man. Let's make history.

A black man with a mustache. In a horror movie. It can happen. It can happen. Well, Dion, thank you so much. I know we have to let you go because the show is going to start soon. You're in a sketch. I think it started.

Did it start already? I'm supposed to be in the mono media. Yeah, yeah, you are. Ah, fuck it. Hey, we're talking about horror movies. No, thank you all. Thank you. Thanks for being here.

That was Deon Cole, and now he's running out to the studio. Yeah. Hopefully in time to do the sketch they rehearsed. I know. Yeah. Conan will be very mad if we are preempting the show for our podcast. It's probably not a good precedent to set. Yeah.

But no, that was awesome. And we also have some updates on- Big update. Yeah, on the big... I know that you were all waiting with bated breath. I think the word is people were enthralled by us mentioning the different sodas on the different floors of our office. The soda discrepancy.

And we have a follow-up. We do. Yeah. So we met with the person who orders the soda. We went straight to the horse's mouth. Yeah, we didn't mess around. And we found out what's going on. We're here with Nick Centifonte.

Hello. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thanks for coming, Nick. What's your official title on the show? I guess I'm the office coordinator slash intern coordinator. Yeah, I guess that's the best way to say it. You kind of have a lot.

You're a Renaissance man on the show. Yeah, I kind of have. Yeah, I kind of do a few things. A lot of. We wear a lot of hats. Sure. That's one way to say it. Sure.

The Renaissance was known for its many reception desks. So you fit right in. Right out of Florence. But yes, thanks for walking the hundred feet to do our show. Of course. Of course, appreciate it. I'm thrilled. But you got embroiled in a little bit of a kerfuffle.

Sure. Right. Sure. Yeah, you could say that. So one of the things I do, although a very small part of what I do, is I click a button and then groceries appear here at the show. It's literally an order that's always set, basically. It's the same order.

Basically, yeah. I mean, there's a few changes over the years, but it's like the big order of groceries, I hit buy, and then it comes here. The problem is that I'm saying I'm sorry. Well, no, I was just going to back up for a second because we teased this last week. Oh, okay. But there was an email that was sent out that was sort of highlighting the disparity because we've started, there's been some talk about a disparity between second floor snacks and third floor snacks.

Sure. The second floor being where Conan's office is, Jeff Ross, the executive producer, some other, you know, heavy hitters on the show. Talent department. Talent department. And then the third floor is where the writers, the grumpiest people alive are. The people born to notice slights. Yes, exactly. And read into every possible interaction.

Absolutely. Right. As the world being against them. Being maligned. So somebody sent out an email that showed that the second floor has, they have Coke Zero, the real thing. And then the third floor has a Vons brand signature select zero calorie soda. Correct. Correct.

Vons is a supermarket chain here in Southern California. Yeah, I guess it is regional. Correct. Correct. Fonz is a supermarket chain here in Southern California. Yeah, I guess it is regional. Yes. So then there were some, there was a flurry of email activity after that. And, and we wanted to bring you in because you were kind of in the middle of it and we, we didn't get to hear your side of the story. Yeah, I appreciate that. I appreciate that. First of all, when the email chain was happening, I myself was actually at jury duty. Oh, no. So I'm seeing all this happen. I'm just in the waiting room laughing to myself about all this. Can I ask you a question?

Yes. Were you picked for a jury? You know what? I had to reschedule. So we will find out in April. So stay tuned. So you had to go in and you had to push it back? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, it was a big thing. It was terrible. But anyway. Nicely handled. The same way you handled the sodas. So you're already having a big thing. It was terrible. Nicely handled. The same way you handle the sodas. So you were already having a terrible day. It wasn't a great day. You know what?

It also was my birthday, and that is completely true. No, you're kidding. It's completely true, yes. The Ides of March is your birthday. Oh, my God. Yeah, Pi Day. March 15th. No, 14th.

Oh, fuck me. So anyway, so the email comes out. I'm reading it. I wanted to see who was going to respond. And it was just this whole thing. But of course, and you may have mentioned Jeff Ross, our executive producer, chimed in. And he rarely chimes in to a Hey Everybody. So it was a big deal to see him have any opinion on the matter.

Or even read our emails. Correct. Yeah. So I guess it's proof that he reads all of them. So everyone be careful what you're saying. So that was funny. And then I think Conan was in the air at that time. And he mentioned, I think he chimed in as well. He was in Milwaukee.

Yeah, he was in Milwaukee. Oh, yes. Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama. Yeah. But took the time out from the first lady to chime in on this controversy. bit. But the truth of the matter is, is when you, the way the system works is since I do, we order a ton of stuff. I mean, we get a ton of groceries here. If something is out of stock, then unless I say otherwise, Vons will just substitute in something. Right.

Right. So that we still get something to enjoy. Now how all of the generic sodas ended up on the third floor, I do not know. Does Vons say, make sure these go to the third floor? Are they that good? Yeah, that's the thing. That's the only thing I can't really back up. I don't know exactly how that went down. Someone decided to.

Yeah, because that would be who? The interns? Yeah, generally the groceries come in on Mondays. The interns will take them and distribute throughout everywhere. It could have easily happened in reverse, the Vons ending on second. I like to think it could end up

that way. Yes, theoretically. Like a penny landing on its edge when you flip it. Well, so yeah. So I think that this can maybe all be chalked up to a misunderstanding. However, I also was curious if people give you special requests and or feedback about

the particular snacks. Yeah, I do get the feedback and I would like to go on record to say that I really don't care about it too much. I got to be honest. I try to get everything. Just say it. You don't give a shit. I mean, it's such a small thing that I do.

It's that I have the credit card that buys the groceries. And I do have a lot of other things that I'm dealing with. So the groceries tend to find their way towards the bottom of my priority list. You have bigger fish to fry. Sure. Fish would be nice. Yeah, we can get some fish. We'll take requests now, I guess, while we're.

But no, sometimes I do. I mean, there's some things that I'll do. If you catch me as I'm actually clicking purchase, then maybe I'll be able to just add something in there. But yeah, I can't take requests. I mean, that's crazy. There's so many people here. Yeah. It would be a madness.

Well, thank you for clearing that up, Nick. And I'm sorry that you were unfairly maligned on your birthday at Great Duty. Yes, terrible. Terribly went through that. He didn't know that. It was fine. It's okay. But it will definitely happen again.

Yeah, yeah. It's going to. You know, it's just I wish I should care a little bit more. Everyone seems to – it matters to a lot of people. I think you have the right attitude. I think it's good. You can't – you're never going to make everyone happy. Yeah, it's impossible. So I think it's good you can't you're never gonna make everyone happy there's no

yeah that's it's impossible so I think it's really good not to care okay well then there you go continue down that path if I have a Sweeney approval

of that then that's do not care keep it up thanks Nick thanks Nick you're very welcome thanks for having me that's our show

yeah wow that went fast I mean I I still feel like there's gonna to be more on the soda front. Oh, yeah. I don't think that this is over. People aren't going to stop drinking soda. No, but this controversy will continue.

This is going to be the Mueller investigation. You know how to hook listeners in. More soda talk. I'm going to be in for next week, too. We'll release a full report. They're soda again guys gather around also john mulaney was on yes and the show ran really extra long because they love yes when they those two they do so i can't tell if it's like a narcissist thing, you know, looking at their own reflection or if it's... Oh, interesting. Or true homoerotic love.

I prefer to think of it as homoerotic love. Yes. All right. But yeah, it went so long that most of the interview actually had to get cut out of the show and is online. Yeah. So check it out on teamcoco.com. And if you have a question for us, email us at insideconanpod at gmail.com or call and leave us a voicemail at 323-209-5303. You've sent us some great questions.

Yeah. The questions have already come in and I was reading them. They're great. They are, yeah. And there was no hate mail, which I really appreciated. No hate mail, no swearing. Thank you, because we're very sensitive. No, people I owe money to. And we're excited to get them and we're answering some of them on the next week's episode.

That's our show. That's our show. That's it. It always goes by so fast. It goes very fast. For us, at least. I don't know about the listeners. That's their problem. Yeah. If you got this far, that's our show. That's our show. That's it. It always goes by so fast. It goes very fast. For us, at least. I don't know about the listeners. That's their problem.

Yeah. If you got this far, that's on you. Anyway, we'll see you next week. Bye. Bye, bye, bye. Bye. We like you. Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast, is hosted by Mike Sweeney and me, Jessie Gaskell.

Produced by Julia Smith and Kevin Bartelt. Engineered by Will Becton. Mixed by Ryan Connor. Supervising producer is Aaron Blair. Executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson

and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Thanks to Jimmy Vivino for our theme music and interstitials. You can rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. And of course, please subscribe and tell a friend to listen to Inside Conan on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, or whatever platform you like best. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.