Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - Deon Cole Revisits Introducing Conan to Soul Food

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

Actor, comedian, and former CONAN writer Deon Cole joins Mike and Jessie to discuss what it was like introducing Conan to soul food, getting kicked out of the Republican National Convention, and his underground album "Sex Sounds".Got a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone] or e-mail us at [e-mail]. 

And now, it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Hello. Hello. Welcome to Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Maybe the most important Hollywood podcast. Yes. And again, just the block of Hollywood and Cherokee. So it's a very small section of Hollywood, but still very important.

Yeah, Lower East Hollywood. Yes, exactly. We're your hosts. I'm Jessie Gaskell, and with me is Mike Sweeney. Hi, how are you? How have you been? Yeah, I mean, there's not a lot me is Mike Sweeney. Hi, how are you? Hi. How have you been? Yeah, I mean, there's not a lot going on. I pick it.

Fuck. I have nothing going on. Yeah. And I was like, well, Jesse's young and vibrant and has a full life, so neither of us have anything going on. Yeah. Well, because of the strike. Yeah.

I don't have stuff going on when there isn't a strike. No, I mean, I'm legally not allowed to have anything going on. So that's my excuse. Okay. That's good. We talked last week about how you worked. Right. You were in another union at one point. Oh, right. We were talking about unions. Yeah. And you were in the, I love this name, the Amalgamated Meat Cutters Union. Yes. In Northern New Jersey. Yeah. I worked at a, it was called an A&P supermarket. I don't, I think they might've gone out of business in the early forties. And I worked in the deli there.

I got a job there. And you had to join a union. Yes. I think I got a job there once because I had a crush on one of the cashiers. Oh, that's the best reason. Isn't that a good reason? To get any job. Yeah. What a moron. That's why everyone gets a job. And then I eventually. Did you ever ask her out? I did. I think when I knew I was leaving.

Because, you know, I didn't want to report to work. And you just strike out and then have to see her every day. Yeah, right. So. Even at that age, you were aware of the not shitting where you eat. Yes. Well, it's kind of an instinctive thing well i was aware of rejection and yeah and how painful that is so and then the proximity of this anyway yeah one date it was one and done oh yeah it didn't it was it was fine

it was fine but you weren't that into it either it sounds sounds like. Well, I was into it going into it, but we just didn't, it didn't, we didn't have a lot to talk about. No, I got the job, it was, I worked at the deli counter. And there was this older woman who wore a hairnet. She dyed her hair black. And my first day there, she was showing me how to use the deli slicer. You ever use one of those? No, they terrify me. They are terrifying. They're really sharp. Well, she tried to scare me the first day there, she was showing me how to use the deli slicer. You ever use one of those? No, they terrify me. They are terrifying.

They're really sharp. Well, she tried to scare me the first day and succeeded. She's like, let me show you how to do this. And then she goes, you got to be careful. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she goes, no, look at this. Look at my right hand. And she goes, see this finger right here? I was cutting head cheese. And she knew the date. It was like September 8th, 1963. Customer's like, hey, what's that? You know,

why is there blood in my meat? And I looked down. My finger cut clean off. And they sewed it back on. But it was at a weird angle. And then she had two more fingers to tell me about. What?

She had three fingers. Oh, she was Frankenstein. Yeah, yeah. But they put them all, they sewed them all back. And I think like there was no feeling in any of them.

She could like hammer them with a mallet and, you know. That's who's instructing you on how to use the machine because that wouldn't inspire a lot of confidence for me. It worked.

Yeah. Yes. But I mean, I would just be like, didn't you get any better after that first time? You didn't just not slice your finger off? She might have done all three within one week or something.

No, I don't know. She, but, well, she did it over several years. So I was like, okay, I'm not going to be here several years. Yeah. I'm just going to be incredibly careful. Just go slow. Who cares? Well, you know what?

I cut everything a quarter inch thick. I just literally, it was like one slice. It was thicker than your slice of bread would be for a sandwich. And that way, I was very, very... Just give them the whole ham hock. But then there was a microphone in the deli counter and I couldn't believe it. Oh, yeah, because they called the numbers out. No, there were no numbers.

I don't know why it was there. But I, you know, like I hit the bar and I could hear like. And so I started making fake announcements in the store. Oh, my God. You started your stand-up career at the deli counter. Well, I wasn't stand-up. I would just say like nouns like coleslaw battles and aisle three at 630.

I'd say rubber. Oh, it was pranks. Rubber clay in our dairy section. I would just promo these shows. Yeah. Do people laugh or do they not even pay attention? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get some laughs. And the managers, no one cared. Yeah. Yeah. It, no one cared. Yeah.

Yeah. It's just open mic. It was open mic in the deli section. Open mic and missing fingers. And night. That's a really formative. Stand up in digits. I feel like this one job maybe shaped your whole trajectory.

It did. Yeah. Getting rejected by women. Uhhuh doing stand up careful not to and slice digits off i still have all look you do those are they're beautifully intact thank you you're welcome speaking of fresh meat oh what is that a good yes yes to d Cole, our guest today. Uh-huh. He's one of our favorite writers, of course. That goes without saying. Yep.

And performers. And performers. And he was in a very famous Kona remote where he took Conan for a meal at a soul food restaurant, Ms. B's M&M's Soul Food. Yeah. Right here in LA. Right here in LA. And they had a southern cooked meal,

authentic southern meal. It's a funny remote. It's on YouTube. And he's also going to talk about something called sex sounds. We'll just leave it at that. Well, sign me up for this interview. Here's Dion Cole. This is great.

Are these walls velvet or what is it? Yeah, they look like velvet. Velvet walls? Is it velvet for real? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, who has velvet walls? That sounds like Louis XIV. Someone, a velvet artist. Motherfuckers got money, man. They got velvet walls and shit. This is great.

I love a come up story. It's going to go again. We used to have those egg cartons. Yeah, yeah. We used to have the egg cartons. We used to have that. Itons. Yeah, yeah. We used to have the egg cartons. Yeah, we used to have that. It's velvet now. Nothing like velvet.

Yes. And not even that like micro suede, you know, the kind you get the cheap couch and it's scotch guarded. No, it's velvet. And there's like five cameras. And the cameras just got rid of it. Look at that. And they're all from the ceiling hanging down on every angle.

This is nuts right now. This is the best podcast studio I've ever been into in my life, for real. Like some hands are going to come down and massage my shoulders. Just hands. You will not find this in a casino. That's why you have to come over the hill. Chairs are wonderful. They feel so great and sexy.

They hug you. Sexy green chairs. Not velvet. Not velvet. I know. Yeah, we're going to get there. That would be tacky. It's baby steps.

Walls, then chairs. And that door goes out to an outdoor patio oh really is that crazy I actually didn't know that

is it more velvet out there because I want to go out there and see if it's velvet patio velvet patio furniture

now if that's not a waste of money scotch garden for the outdoors but yes it can't get in the rain

yeah it can't get in the rain. It can't get in the rain. So let's do it. You have to buy new ones every time it rains. That's great. Let's just talk about, how about these coasters? Real leather. Leather coasters. They are, though.

These are beautiful. They might be. They really are leather coasters. No, for real. I felt it. I really are leather coasters. No, for real. I felt it. I think they are. This is the fall of Rome. This is the best podcast studio I've been to in my life.

Well, it's available for rent. It's funny you mentioned that. What? When they give you a timeshare tour. Yeah, yeah. And now the hard sell. Well, you seem to enjoy this space. I'm going to need some 70s posters on the wall

though if I do a podcast. Whatever you want. Afros and big Amazon booze. Remember those posters? It's your space. Thank you. Alright, cool. That's what we're going to do. Just sign.

Just sign right here. He just wanted velvet and boo posters. That's all he wanted. I'm thinking about velvet boobs for real. I mean, that's. Okay, velvet feels good, right? Yeah. Boobs feel great, too.

Wow. Put them together. Come on now. Holy cow. Come on now. I'm with it. I feel like we're all, we're just watching your next special

unfold right here. You're going to have to rebuild this room. Netflix resists. Dionne Cole. Velvet booze. Because my comedy feels so good, right?

Right? You get it, right? Doing a stand-up special in a podcast studio. Well, he's got to reference the coasters. The leather coasters. They're all props for his new special. That's closer. Yeah, he's closer's got to reference the coasters. The leather coasters. They're all props

for his new special. His closers. Don't just the coasters. That's his closers. Well, Dion, we've asked you here yet again. Thank you, by the way,

for coming back. Yes, yes. Your pod favorite. Yes, love. Nothing but love. And we've covered a lot with you already. I set the noise. Yeah, that. Nothing but love. And we've covered a lot with you already. I'm so done with this.

Yeah, that was, I know. Because these microphones are so sexy. You want to, yeah, yeah. We didn't even talk about these mics. We didn't talk about these mics. Anyway, I'm sorry.

That's okay. They make me take my time with what I say. They make me think about my thoughts. You would. I feel like you could, on like the serious 70s station,

you could have like a set every week. I've always said when I am done out here in Hollywood and they go, hey, we're done with you. We don't want anything from you. I am selling everything, moving to Chicago, and I'm going to buy me a nice little condo downtown on the Gold Coast. And I'm going to go every day, go get me a tea and a newspaper, read it every day, and at night I'm going to have me a radio job. And I'm just going to play old songs,

just like night moods. That's a great plan. Yeah, I'm going to call it Moonburn. Moonburn? Yeah. Oh, this is all set. Like sunburn, moonburn. Yeah, like I'm out at night and I get moonburn.

Slather on that SPF. With sexy, sexy sun songs. I'm worried someone's going to steal it. We'll cut that out. Somebody might steal moonburn, right? Yeah. This is your plan B, but this sounds like I would aspire to this. I'm telling you the truth.

This is everything. I would want. I thought about this over and over again. I'm going to be on the radio and I'm just going to play like, you know, old school jams and just. Yeah. Or I just like hearing you talk like you do when you when you kick it in. Yeah, that voice. It's you just start stuff and then I'm not going to finish it.

I'm just going to go straight to a song. You can do that. Today in Texas. This is Jodeci with Stay With Me. He talks in incomplete sentences. I don't care. Everyone listening is drunk or high anyway. That's how you get everybody to keep listening.

I guess this is what a moonburn feels like. I hear he has tea by day and moonburn by night those are the effects of moonburn you don't finish your sentences can I bring something up you cannot talk about it but it's one of my favorite

when you were in the writer's room at Conan of course you were a long time writer at Conan and Jesse I don't know if you were there yet for this. No, I wasn't. I know I wasn't. Because I took Dion's office after he left. That would have been awkward if he was still there. No, no, no, no, no.

Dion, Jesse's taking over. I was triggered a little bit, but no, go ahead, go ahead. Oh, you guys never overlapped. I don't remember anything. Well, I wrote on Dion Cole's black box. Oh, right. That's right, of course. We did anything. Well, I wrote on Deon Cole's black box. Oh, right. That's right, of course. We did overlap, but not at Conan.

Of course. Oh, my God. I'd seen it in Jesse from day one. Deon's the only one who believed in me. I was like, I have to have Jesse on my team. Yes. Straight up. That was the best.

So you, basically, your responsibility for Jesse. I was like, all you men don't want this woman down here. I'm going to. He picked me up off the curb. I'm taking the woman with me. Not just playing girls. It's true. He's responsible for you coming to Conan.

Pretty much my whole career, honestly. I would say so. Man, love, love. She was amazing. Back then, she was. I was. Just starting out. Full of fire. Those are the days. G-Gus. G. That show. Back then she was. I was. Just starting out. Full of fire.

Those are the days. I know. G-Gas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Well, I don't want to step on what you were going to say. Oh, I will get around to it. Okay, okay.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. Yeah, yeah, you first. Oh, oh. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, somehow one day we were just sitting around in the rice room shooting the shit at night. And you brought up how you did Sex Sounds. You made that video.

The CDs. Have you ever talked about that? I've never talked about it. What? I mean, do you mind talking about it? So, yeah. So, yo, I went over

to Germany, right? I went to Germany and I was performing for like the troops over there. And I brought my PlayStation over there,

right? And so while we was over in the red light district, they had all these pornos like on DVD and whatever.

And we was like, man, let's get a few of these, you know, because the German women cost so much, like, for us to pay for. They was too much. So we can't. You could just get the DVDs. Yeah, we didn't have to have sex with them.

We save our dollars, right? Save our money and just get the DVDs. And then we can do whatever whenever we want to. I remember this part of the story. Yeah, yeah. This is the part I left out. So we bought these DVDs. and do whatever whenever we want to. I remember this part of the story. Yeah, yeah. This is the part I left out. So, so, so,

so we, so we bought these DVDs. Yeah, yeah. We bought these DVDs and we went back to the hotel and we put them in and they wouldn't play

because we had American Playstations. And it was the wrong formatting. So the formatting was wrong. Oh, they screwed you. So all you can do is hear them. And so they just, so they was just like,

but yeah, don't you move. Don't you stay there. And it was a few of those. I don't know why that took me off. But so I was like, this is crazy. That I can't see him and I was going to get my money back. But then I kept listening to so but so i was like this is crazy that that i can't see him and i was gonna get my money back but then i kept listening to it and i was like it's better maybe sometimes because you can use your imagination thank you yeah thank you and that's what happened

i was like wow you can just listen to this yeah and then you use your imagination so i was like man when i get back to the states I'm going to record some sexual sounds I did I made a whole CD just by yourself or did you have a lady no I got a whole production team

I grabbed friends and I grabbed like a Hispanic lady a white woman, a black woman I had two of my guys diversity was in different sounds it's different a Hispanic lady, a white woman, a black woman. I had my, two of my guys. Diversity was a different sound. It is a different sound. It's different. Right, Sweeney, it is.

People think I'm joking. I'm dead ass. I'm dead ass. I went in, I made the CD and we put it together and it was great. We had like,

like 12 tracks on there. Yeah. You remember that, right? Did they have names? Did the tracks have names? Yeah. Bring it in. Yay.

Yeah, it was like three. I played it for you. You remember? Oh, I remember. Yeah. It was like. Oh my God, in the writer's room.

Yeah. It was everyone like, excuse me one moment. Each of you gets an hour alone. Yeah. Beyond CD. Everyone gets

an hour lunch. Everyone gets an hour lunch today. Yeah, made a whole CD and put it in shops and was selling. They were selling. I thought it was. Yeah, they were selling. What happened was in Chicago, there's this thing called the mob. Right.

And the mob, I know this will get deeper right the mob owns a lot of the porno stores the home business they run that and so they wanted all our money basically well no we were selling it out of the porno shops

but they was like no you gotta give us more and we like well we ain't gonna be able to really make no money if you take all our money. And they was like, no, that's the only way you can sell out our shops. So then we tried to go to Milwaukee and sell some. And they owned the porno shops in Milwaukee. Yeah, they was running. Milwaukee mob?

Totally mobbed up. I'm telling you. Where can you go? And so we just We just was like You know what? Let's not do this It's not worth it

Let's get a writing job And I'll play it for the writers And what if we were all Let me write for Let me go write for Conan Yes Conan O'Brien In the Tonight Show

And yeah They seem horny And we quit And we quit making them Yeah We stopped making them Yeah but Because it could I mean now I'm'm like, that could be a podcast.

I don't know. Sexual sounds? Yeah. Yeah, my podcast. Or a radio station. Just an hour of that. Today I'm with Tanika. How are you, Tanika?

What sounds do you make during missionary? Let's leave 20 minutes at the end of this and just play sexual sounds. And I had a poet on there. His name was Danny. What? Yeah, he did. I don't remember that.

Yeah, he did like sexual poetry on the CD. That does sound sexy. It was great. I made like money. I was making money. And then they see

how much money I was making. So they decided they wanted a piece. Yeah, they wanted a piece of money. And then they see how much money I was making. So they decided. Yeah, they wanted a piece of it. And I just was like, no, I'm not doing that. So I stopped doing it. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

You have a real entrepreneur streak too. Yeah. No, you do. Like, I feel like you have had a lot of. I do get things done. I don't know where they go. But I do get them done. That's what I do. I feel like you have had a lot of- You get things done. I do get things done. I don't know where they go, but you get them done. That's what I do. Because I feel like, man, you just never know.

You got to keep throwing darts. That go with anything in life. You just got to keep doing it. You don't know what you good at. I might be, to be honest with you, I might be the greatest astronaut the world has ever seen. That's right. The world has ever seen. We may never know. Well, they're starting up the program again. They're starting. has ever seen. That's right. The world has ever seen. We don't know though.

Well, they're starting up the program again. They started. And I probably, I can go to space. When Shatner went to space. I'll be spacing it up out there. Yeah. I'll be getting my space on.

Sex sounds in space. Sex sounds in space. I think that would be the key. They need it. They do need it. They do need it. There's no question they do. You know they need sex sounds in space.

But when you played that CD. No one can hear you scream. We heard you making sex sounds after we had spent like, you know, a year and a half with you. Yeah. Just yakking. Just hearing that other side of you. Oh, yeah. It was like, you don't even know.

You haven't even scratched the surface. We were. With Dion. It was some good laughs. There's so much more Dion to know. We were all laughing so hard. It was so crazy. I mean, you had't even scratched the surface with Dion. It was some good laughs. There's so much more Dion to know. We were all laughing so hard. It was so crazy. I mean, you had to be there.

No, but it was real stuff. That's what the beauty of all of us was, was sharing. Yes, those times. Our lives with each other. Just going, what? Because y'all do shit and I'll be like, huh? What? What in the squash? What? Butternut squash?

What the fuck is that? Yeah, they eat some shit called butternut squash up here. I don't know what the fuck that shit is. And they record themselves eating it? I don't know what's going on. I'm going to hang out for a few more weeks and I'm out of here. What were some other good ones?

I remember this butternut squash. No, for real. Allison had butternut squash and I was like, what? I don't know. I'm not eating that. One day I showed up. It was a purple elephant or something like that. A giraffe or something on the lot.

It was just always some shit when you show up. Oh, yeah, the Warner Brothers lot. Yeah, it was weird. No, we had it. Oh, we had it? Yeah, we had it. If you show up, you'll just see shit. And I'll just look and just walk to my office.

You're like, that costs a million dollars. There's a million dollars in that elephant. Well, we did want to ask Dion, this season of Inside Conan is all about remotes, Conan remotes. Yeah. And you did a lot of them when you were there. And they're some of people's favorites.

And so, you know, we wanted to talk to you about a couple of the, like, the soul food remote people talk about all the time. Yes, golly. Yeah. Did you pitch that? Did someone else pitch that? Do you remember? Me and you.

I don't know if you remember. Wow. Me and him. I was talking to him. Yeah. Him has a name. Mike. Me and Mike was talking. I know you don him. Yeah. And I told him. Him has a name. Mike. Me and Mike was talking.

I don't remember any of this. I know you don't remember this. I told you, I was like, I'm going. I think it was like, I think we was on like Thanksgiving break or something like that. And I told you, and you was like, how's your Thanksgiving? And I said, it was great, man. I was like, came home. My mother made some food, put in some Cool Whip bowls and brought it back.

And you was like, Cool Whip bowls? And I was like, yeah, that's what black people do. We put our food in bowls and Cool Whip bowls, almost like Tupperware. Okay, my mom actually has Cool Whip bowls. She got Cool Whip bowls? Yeah. Yeah, so you put your food in and bring it back. For butternut squash.

It is for butternut squash. For butternut squash, it really is. And you was like laughing and we was just laughing. I was like, yeah, man. Like, yeah, we had soul food and da-da-da-da-da-da. And I don't know how we started talking, but I was like, what's the difference between soul food and Southern food? Yeah.

Like, I just kept thinking, like, what was the difference? What gives it the soul? Yeah, yeah. And what gives it the Southern? Because they're both the same thing, basically, right? And I was asking, I said, I wonder if Conan ever ate soul. Because one of the writers said they never had soul food. Right.

And I was like, that's weird. And then I was like, I wonder if Conan ever had. And Conan said he never did. Wow. Yeah. I think you asked Conan. He was like, Conan said he never had soul food. And I was like, get the fuck out of here.

Yeah. And he was like, yeah. And so we was like, yeah. And so we was like, yeah, now that's how it came about. Yeah, we should take Conan and go get some soul food. And I was like, that'd be great.

So I picked this place called M&M's. Had you been there before? Yeah, I went there before. It was in the hood, hood. Like, Conan should get some street cred for this right here.

Although now it's probably like there's Lululemon there. No, and I was late. So just to give him the full experience. Just to get Colin in the form.

He was like, geez. Did you get him a little uncomfortable? It's like, sorry, brother. Sorry, that's how you got to get here. But we went in there, man, and it was like sorry brother sorry that's how you gotta get here you gotta get here but we went in there man and it was like I couldn't

couldn't believe this dude he was just howling yeah he was were you kind of just like

I just I had to he was in sign form I had to fall back because he was in a world he one thing about Conan

you put Conan and what that's so great about all the travel remotes and everything as you know you put Conan in a world he ain't familiar with

it's lights out he'll just start and he knows tap dancing and he knows it he literally is like he knows I had to fall back

that whole remote I think I said maybe four things. I noticed that. And I was wondering, like. There was no room. Yeah, there was no room.

Yeah. That whole remote. He just, when he's in a world that he ain't familiar with. Yeah. Lights out. You know what? Cut the leash. It's like the.

Yeah. Cut the leash and go. It is tough. Man. You are describing a perfect. I remember when we were on tour and they were shooting that documentary. And like the second that camera would come in, he. Lights out.

Lights out. And it was just like, wow, you. It's like oxygen to him, those cameras. Oxygen, yo. It's kind of amazing. Yeah, and we was there, and the woman came up, hey, let me get your order, and Connor was like, yeah, let me get this, this, this, and fried bologna.

He was ordering shit black people don't even eat. I was like, I ain't no fried bologna. On the menu at the test. Yeah. And the Kool-Aid, I remember that Kool-Aid he drank. He was like this, oh, God. Oh, wow. I wasool-Aid He drank He was like this Oh God Oh wow I was wondering

How much he actually He was like I think I got diabetes And then there was a black dude Sitting over there Eating Watching him say that He was like

I think I got diabetes And the black dude Yeah That cut away Yeah Fuck you talking about diabetes Motherfucker Cut us off

the rails yo how much of the food did he actually eat he ate all that shit he ate that shit yeah

he ate that shit like for real you know he does like fried food I was gonna say like he's not the most adventurous eater but he does like

something fried oh man we ate unhealthy food yes it was like smothered shit chicken and he ate adventurous eater, but he does like something fried. Oh, man. We ate that shit. Unhealthy food. Yes. It was like smothered shit, chicken, and he ate it. Like, we sat there and ate that shit.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I didn't ask if he ate it. I knew he ate it. I just know that's like. Yeah, no, we ate that shit. Well, because there's a wipe in the remote, and I was like, okay, who ate it? So, it was exaggerated. Sure, sure. You know how we. like, okay, who ate it? So it was

exaggerated. You know how we... But did he eat? But he put them down. Okay, I'm happy to hear that. Yeah, yeah. It was crazy. That was great. That was a great remote. The haunted house was a great remote.

Yeah, I was wondering about that one too. Universal. That was Universal about that one too. Universal. That was Universal. The Tonight Show. Yeah. And you went to, because that's a big thing here, the Halloween nights. Horror nights, yeah. And you went through the Haunted House.

I went through all the Haunted Houses. It was funny. And then I said they was okay. But what would be really funny is if we had a black haunted house. Yeah, yeah. And we built this black... That's the crazy shit that we built. Yeah, where did you build that?

On Universal Live. We built a black haunted house. Like, instantly. Yes. That's so cool. That was the thing that used to trip me out over here. You'll have a thought

and that shit just... Right. Yeah. People can make your dreams come true. There it is. We had a black haunted house done. Yeah, it's crazy. Crazy like that. We had a black haunted house done. Yeah, it's crazy.

Crazy like that. Then you have to go like, shit, what? Like, well, go ahead. Shoot your idea. Shoot your idea. I was great. Then I went to the Republican National Convention. Oh, my God.

Yeah, but I did a remote while I was there. Was that in Florida? Yeah, that was in Florida while I was there. Was that in Florida? Yeah, that was in Florida. I flew there for that. And I interviewed John McCain. Ah, that's crazy. You actually interviewed John McCain? Yeah. Oh, wow.

It was on the show. Yeah, I was with John McCain. He had a whole squad with him. And I was asking him something about Bush. And I was like, he ain't around. And we just started laughing and joking and shit. And like, we was,

I can't really remember what we was, I know we was laughing and kicking it. And then it was black people there and they was just like this, like, you down?

And I was like, no, motherfuckers. I'm here with Conan. They was trying to hug me. I was like, get the fuck out of here. Don't hug me.

And they was looking at me like, hey. And I was like, get the fuck out of here. Don't hug me. And they was looking at me like, hey. Yeah, they were like, I know all the other black people here. That's pretty good. It was so weird. I was like, look, man, don't put my political shit out there. I was like, I'm here to make fun of everybody. That's what I'm here to do and shit. But yeah, it was fun.

That was a great remote to do. Because it was like a three-day remote that I did on that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was fun. That was a great remote to do because it was like a three-day remote that I did on that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's real, like,

you need the press pass, like, you have access. And I didn't get one. I got kicked out. Yeah. I got kicked out. Yeah.

Oh, because you went up or something, right? I went to the podium. You went up to the podium during a... I went to the podium and was like,

yeah. Off hours and that was it? And they kicked me out because they thought I put some shit on the microphone on the podium and shit. Yeah, yeah. Secret to secret service. I remember that, yeah.

Oh, like that you had put like anthrax or something on there. I'm going to tell you who not to fuck with in the world. Yeah. Yeah. Secret service. Uh-huh. Yeah. Do not fuck with secret service.

I believe that. I believe you. They kept us for like three hours. Really? Hell yeah, dude. What did they do? They just kept us in the room. They took us all the way in the basement of this convention shit.

You and, was it Jose and Matt O'Brien? Yeah, it was Matt O'Brien and Jose and us. We was all, yeah. And they locked us, locked us up down there. Not locked us up, but they kept us there. Yeah, and windowless room, like, no cell service. They was like, until they figure out who he was and all our press credentials went through, then they let us go. Did John McCain come down and spring you guys?

No, he didn't. There with me. There with me. He's with me. He's with me. Wow, I forgot about that part. That is scary. Well, just even going into that, like an entirely different world.

That's so radically different. And everyone there, you know, just lives a different life than we're all used to. I feel like if you haven't been detained by the Secret Service, you haven't lived. That's exciting. That is exciting. That is exciting. It was crazy. We was all over there like, yo, we was like, damn. We was all sitting there waiting.

We was like, when are they going to come back and let us go? Yeah. And then finally they came and they was like, y'all can go. Okay. And then they told me I couldn't come back. Yeah. Did we show that? You going up there?

Yeah. They said I couldn't come back. And then, and then I guess. I didn't want to come back anyways. No, but I think. They said I couldn't come back. And then I guess. I didn't want to come back anyways. No, but I think they got me a pass to go back. Oh, okay. And they got me a pass to go back. But they said I can't go.

You can't come back without a pass. Here you go. The Tonight Show was a blast. It was so great. Mm-hmm. Those seven months. So great. Running down the street

in the rain Dame Coco oh right Dame Coco that was crazy that was crazy wait what was that that was when

the shit hit the fan and then Conan released that letter people of earth oh people showed up and then there was like a rally outside

it was a rally our studio there were hundreds like picketers yeah the whole block the whole block. The whole block. I've never even

talked about this. Then we went up on the roof of our studio with Conan, right? Yup. And did like a kind of an appearance like on the balcony,

you know, like the Pope. Like, yeah, Eva Peron. Everyone went crazy. All of Lancashire went crazy. Yeah. Wow.

It was crazy. It was like if he made an appearance, it was just people went crazy wow it was crazy it was like if he made an appearance it was just like ah it was just like hundreds and thousands of people

and then we started started walking down the street with the people and then started running it was raining he was running down the street

everybody running on the side of him like hundreds of people where are we going I know he was running with him running running with Conan everybody just running that shit everybody running on the side of them like hundreds of people and it's like where are we going? I know I was gonna say running with them

running running with Conan everybody just running that shit that shit was crazy it was like okay time up yeah I got back on the phone

like yeah and these motherfuckers running down the street eating buttersquatch yeah yeah in the rain they don't have anything better to protest than this

I don't know what's going on but yeah I'll call y'all back when more happens. No, no, but it was no fun. We need a recession soon. It was phenomenal. It was a little crazy.

Phenomenal, crazy, crazy, crazy. I know, I always forget, because you were at the Tonight Show for like a year, right? Before it ended. Oh, maybe not even that long? It was seven months. Oh, right. I'm sorry. Dion was there for a year, right? Before it ended. Oh, maybe not even that long? The show was seven months. Oh, right. I'm sorry.

Dion was there for a year though. Dion did stand up on The Tonight Show. Right. And then we hired him right after that. Do you know my hiring process? I do, yeah. Did they tell you how I got hired? Yeah.

It was wild. I finished, went in the green room. Connie came in there and talked to me about parking spaces. And he just assumed. He was like, you got parking space?

And I was just like, yeah. Parking garage and shit. He was like this, yeah. Not you ain't parking at meters and shit. And I'm just like,

yeah. We started talking about that for a minute. He was just like, great job, man. Tore it up. I was like, thanks.

And he left. You passed the parking meter test. That was it. The next thing I know, they were like, hey, you want to come, right? I was like, great job, man. Tore it up. I was like, thanks. And he left. You passed the parking meter test. That was it. The next thing I know, they're like, hey, you want to film right? I was like, what? You don't know me.

Right. What? Sure. I guess. I'll do it. Well, yeah, I mean, we've talked to you before

about how it kind of took a while for you to figure out. Because you were, and I think that's common. There's a lot of stand-ups that, you know, then they're asked to write for a show that has its own thing going on. And you now suddenly have to, like, conform your kind of writing to that show. And you're writing for someone else. Yeah, you're writing for someone else. And it's just... It's a giant adjustment.

Right. But once you kind of crack the code and you figured out like, oh, you could do stuff too. You could star in things or you could go do remotes on your own even. It seems like that opened up things for you a lot. Yeah, I think it was. I think it was more like this is a well oil machine getting into this machine you got to you got to know this machine in order to get in it and it was like from every angle it just to me it felt like I just could not get in there. Yeah. But then I started realizing that one thing that they don't have is another perspective. It's another perspective that they don't have.

And I think it's mine. And it came not even me knowing. You know what I mean? It wasn't even like I knew what I was doing. I just knew I was ready to leave that was what i didn't know i was like all right i gotta get out of here so you had like a last ditch in my mind yeah i just was like you know what i'm gonna get on out of here because it's day two yes day two you're like about about 23 hours not all the way day two. So.

No, but I was just like, you know, I was like, we was writing, we were talking about Oktoberfest for Andy. Andy was, and I didn't know what it was. I had no idea what it was. And so at this point, I really don't give a fuck what I'm saying now, because I know I'm about to leave soon. So I'm like this. I'm like, what the fuck is that? It was just like, it's a German drinking day. And I was like... And then Sweeney and I was looking like, Germans, are we okay with those?

We knew you knew German porn. I knew that, but not the drinking, yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so go ahead. German porn is what we should be doing this whole skit about. No, but I just was like, black people don't have a drinking day. And I was like, that's fucked up. We got Sanctum Mayo.

We got Oktoberfest. We got all this shit. And I don't know if it was Sweeney or somebody. They was like, man, write that up. And it was just like, when I'm going, like, what? Spent all this time trying to get in. And then that was what the— And you just said something.

And I just said something on a whim, and it was like, write that up. And it was like, what? And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'll write it up. I was like, sweetie, help me write this up, sweetie. I don't know how to write this up. And we wrote it up, and then we sent it. And we sent it for Conan to do. It still wasn't me.

It still didn't write it like me doing it. It was like, yo, he can talk about this. And when he read it, he was just like, you do it. Yeah. It was just that simple. Yeah. It was like, okay, I guess. All right.

And it was. Yeah. Yeah. But then after that, it was kind guess. All right. And it was. Yeah. Yeah. But then after that, it was kind of like, oh. Oh, I can just do my stand up. But it wasn't even my stand up. But yeah, it wasn't even my stand up. It was just a thought.

Like, it was a quick thought. But I think that was like like right at that moment it was like yeah that's it yeah do you yeah and then the nickel drops yeah it was like that was that was that was it was like see a lot of people go out and they go do jobs and they go do whatever they do and they go be that person that people want them to be. Yeah. But what a lot of people forget, they forget to bring themselves with them. Right. You got to bring you with you everywhere you go.

Yeah, and that's the reason you got hired. But that was also the reason that made them go, yeah, let's do that. Yeah. Because they went, yo, like you basically being you now, like, yeah, like, yeah, we can't do that shit. We can't even think like that. Like, yeah, that's it. Yo Like you basically Being you now Like yeah Like yeah

We can't do that shit We can't even think like that Like yeah Yeah that's it And then after that Shit We was off to the races After that

It opened it up for you Yeah I love that story Cause it does I think that's true What you're saying is so true That people try to fit The square peg in the round hole

And they're just trying To fit in somewhere And you're trying to change yourself all the time to fit a certain mold. And sometimes it's just about finding a place where you can do your thing. Man, that person in the mirror, people will leave that motherfucker at home every day.

They look at them and go out in the world and be whatever the fuck the world wants them to be. When that's the person that's going to keep you around. You got to take that person in the mirror with you and shit. But I wasn't even thinking like that. I just was like, this is how you're supposed to write in late night. This is how you do. This is the formula.

I'm looking at them. It's so intimidating to walk into a motherfucker's office, and it's an Emmy office and it's an Emmy and it's an Emmy sitting on that motherfucker well those are a dime a dozen but uh

you walk in there like oh no yeah my ideas ain't good enough let me get out of here and shit you just be like you know what I mean everyone who's ever walked in

including I remember my first day you're just filled with terror cause you're coming to do it especially when it's an established show. And the writer's room

and they're going like a mile a minute and everyone's back and forth. And you're like, I was terrified to open my mouth, you know? And then if you say, pitch an idea and everyone's like, ah, like, you know. Yeah.

You know, when it's like, ah, and they just run right past you. It's like, fuck. You just got the pity laughs. Then you're just like, fuck, fuck. And then you past you. It's like, fuck. You just- I got the pity laughs. Then you're just like, fuck, fuck. And then you're out of your head. Yeah. But that mirror, man, that is,

that's some of the best advice I've ever heard. It's so simple. Bring the person in the mirror with you. Yeah, bring you with you. Yeah. I mean, there are exceptions like in my case, but that guy- Leave him at home.

That guy is a drag on the sales. Leave him in the car. I'm always like, what do I do about you? What are we going to do about you? But that is great advice. I think that's really great advice. Yeah,

absolutely. Hard to do, but, but you got, you got to keep that in mind. Man, that experience with everybody was the game changer in everything that I did from that day on. Really? You kept that in mind at other projects too?

I had that on my own. But then when I got with this well-oiled machine, I just discredited everything about me. Right. In order to trying to figure out how to get, how do I get into this? Man, that shit was hard

as fuck to get. I'm like, how do I get, I can't. I'm trying my best, man. It just ain't working and shit.

And the writers are so quick and so sharp and next thing you know, I'll be looking at my notepad like, yeah, oh,

we're done. All right, let me go to lunch. Let me go like, yo, like, you know what I'll be looking at my notepad like, oh, we're done. All right. Let me go to lunch. Let me go like, yo, like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not like that, but in a sense where it's like, yo, like, man, I can't get it. There's like a shorthand once you're doing, like any job where you go in and you're like, I'll never, any job I ever had, I'm like, fuck, I gotta learn all this. I gotta learn all this. I gotta learn all this.

And that's what it was. Yeah, you're just figuring out the email and, yeah, and you also have to be hilarious. Right. Six months later,

you're like, oh, you're helping someone new out, you know, and it's like, oh, I guess I learned it. Yeah,

I guess I learned it. Yeah, yeah, but those are the first days. And now look at this loser. It's so funny. In my memory, like, you those first days. And now look at this loser. It's so funny. In my memory, like you broke in really fast, but I bet in your mind, every minute it took before you broke in,

it was like, oh, it must have seemed endless. Every day was a week. Right, exactly. Every single day was an entire week to me. Yeah. I would leave there, pull in front of my house, and sit in my car for like an extra 30, 40 minutes.

Just to get my mind together for tomorrow. Oh my God. You know, not like, not even on no like, oh, I'm treated. It was nothing that, it was all me going, how do I crack this code?

I cannot figure out how to do this. I just could not. Yeah. And it was when I quit thinking. Right. Exactly. That's when the shit hit. Yeah.

No, that's so true. It's like you're in your own way. Right. And then people are in their own way a lot of times. It's like you can't get through to that because of you. You got to quit overthinking that shit. You're overthinking.

Yeah, yeah. Because if I would have kept going, how do I do this? I'd have never had, because now I'm thinking this, this, this, this. Yeah, now you're thinking too hard, yeah.

I'm thinking too hard. So now I'm making it way more complicated. You ever go order some food in this real simple order and it's so hard for them to understand? You ever had that? You go in there and you just be like yeah let me get a caesar salad no cheese no croutons just with shrimp and they go wait a minute that's not the caesar salad

that's a whole different salad well no it's a a Caesar because it still has, you know, the sauce. So just give me... So, well, hold on. You want a... It gets complicated when it's so simple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah.

Know what I mean? Am I making sense? Yeah, yeah. No, it all makes sense. We were a shitty restaurant. I know. We were like, oh, this place.

That was a great restaurant. Great. It was so great. Well, so have you had experiences? Because you said you've kept that up since then. Has that helped you out in other situations where you maybe didn't feel like, I don't know, you came into something

and you thought, how do I change myself? But then you realized, just keep doing it. No, so there was, yeah, I still take it with me to this day or whatever. Like, what I learned in this business, man, is that, you know, you got to be confident in what you do. And you got to be compensated for that, in a sense. You know, because they only going to pay you what you worth to them. They're not going to pay you what you worth.

They're going to pay you what they think you worth. And so therefore you have to like sit back and go, nah, if I'm doing this, this, this, and this, then I should be getting paid for this. And me staying with you means you need to pay me more because if I leave you, I probably can go get double some goddamn way. Yeah.

So you got to pay me for staying with you as well. You know what I mean? Even while you think about what you want to do with me. Yeah, exactly. And at the while, at the while, you go from, you go from thank you

to you're welcome. Sometimes you got to know when to say... This is upsetting me because I never did any of this. Sometimes you got to know... You got to know when to say you're welcome, motherfuckers. You really do.

You can start with saying thank you, but at some point you're going to be like, you're welcome, motherfuckers. And when be like, you're welcome, motherfuckers. And when you get to you're welcome, motherfuckers, it's time to, you know, hey, we got to talk about these dividends a little differently or whatever. But me knowing what I can do, that's what I learned from Conan. And that whole situation is like, oh, I have another avenue that I can bring to the table. So now if I go to this other oil machine, I go, hey, I got this to bring y'all.

And then they go, oh, wow. I ain't never seen that before. Yeah, yeah. We get that. OK, well, yeah, let's go. Let's play ball. But yeah, it costs this. Yeah.

And this is what it is. And so now I'm more confident in what I can bring to the table and knowing me and bringing myself to every situation now. And that's what I learned from Conan. Never to waver from who I was to fit in somewhere. And to this day, I'm like that right now. That's great. I'm always going to bring them what I can,

what I think and hope that I can bring to better the situation. And like in all these, I mean, you've had so many different acting roles and often in comedy. Like, do you bring yourself into that in terms of, you know, I imagine a lot of times they're there with a script and you might think, oh, like, do you get to improvise at all? That's probably a tough road to walk to know when you can pitch. Yeah, when they want you to or not. Because sometimes it's like, hey, man, just do what we wrote. Read the words. But I imagine people who hire you probably know what they're getting.

Like, they know they're getting someone with a stand-up background and probably maybe they seek out your your input on what's on the page yeah absolutely like if I take on a job nine times out of ten whoever hired me know that there would be some type of ad-lib involved good you know and and it's cool so that's nice because they know that's kind of liberating yeah exactly like they have to know that's nice. Cause then that's kind of liberating. Yeah, exactly. Like they have to know that, you know, and they do know that. And I,

and I tell them now out the get go that we, we have to ad lib like, um, uh, a film I did recently. Um, you people. Right.

I saw that you were great. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, thanks. There's a cameo in there, but the whole cameo was ad-libbed. Oh, really?

The entire cameo. Wow. The whole thing. I'm going to hire you for everything. You're like, I didn't write this scene. Dion, take it away. Kenya Barish, my brother Kenya Barish. I love him to death.

He had these lines right, and we had the lines, and we was going through the lines, and we did them or whatever. But Kenya is just so good at just, man, if it feel right, like, let's just go. He's like, do that. Yeah. Man, and he just trusted, and we rolled. And, man, and Julia, Louis Dreyfus, and Eddie, they was going back and forth with me. And there was some other super funny stuff, too, that it just didn't make it.

But we was going for a very long time. But the ad lib is very important, you know what I mean? Because you can give a comedian lines to say, and you really, as long as they say what the lines are supposed to mean, then that's good. But you're really not doing them justice if you're reading all that comic, really get down, get down, you know? Like if all of us right now walked outside and saw a car accident, it's only one car accident.

Right. But we're going to have five stories about it. Right. Hilarious stories. Hilarious stories about this. About the bloody body of the street. Yeah, and we're all going to have a different... I'll remember what they were wearing. Yeah, different. I'll remember what they were wearing.

Yeah, exactly. So I remember what they were wearing, right? But that's how, it's like you give me the script, I can say the lines like any actor. But if you let me say the lines, you know, the way within the guidance of how you want it to be said or what you want to be said but you let me say it the way i i could say it i'll be doing something you didn't even think about you know what i mean

and so just allow that so directors that's cool with that yeah yeah it's like we we always find some kind of magic well that must relax you when you feel like that too they well they know who they're working with and they want you to bring that. But I would think just in the scene you mentioned, and you're talking about bringing the person in the mirror, like Julia Louise Dreyfuss and Eddie Murphy, I mean, what was it like working with them? Was that scary or did they put you at ease?

Just hearing that on paper, I'd be like, oh, wow, that would intimidate me. No, no, I was scared. Yeah. But at the same token, again, I know you probably were just thinking, I'm probably just saying this, but I resort back to that all the time, which is I'm going to give them something that they haven't seen. Yeah. You're welcome. No.

Not in that. But I'm learning from them, too, though. I'm learning. These are giants. I'm learning. No, I'm looking. I'm learning from them. But I'm also applying something.

Right, right. Too, you know. I think one of the scenes started off, I remember Julia Louis-Dreyfus kept laughing because the scene kicked off with me, like, scratching my throat and my ear. And they didn't know what the fuck that was. I just was like...

And they was like, what is he doing? Cut. And I was like, no, no, that's part of it. They're like, oh, okay, roll again. I know what I'm doing. Julia was like, what's going on? What, what? But, yo, they roll with it or whatever. And so, man, yeah, playing with these giants, giving them something.

Because with me doing that, it made them go, oh. Yeah, yeah. And then they start playing. Oh, man, and they so, I mean, they're geniuses. You already know that. That's God. There's that scene with Eddie Murphy. plan and oh man and they so i mean they're geniuses you already know that that's god there's that scene with eddie murphy i think he's with his kids like where i'm just like oh they're just letting him go like i felt like tell it right i like he's just i i mean that is just my guess

yeah he's in a restaurant oh yeah but he's sitting down yeah i like it because that just seemed like quality eddie murphy yeah no kenya's great at that. Kenya's like, man, if you can roll, roll. More directors need to be like that. You know, if we're hiring this comic, we're actually losing if we don't let this comic bring himself to this. We're wasting money. Yeah. Yeah, let this comic go.

Otherwise, just hire a robot to say the lines. Go get your robot. Go get you some AI shit. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. So, it's great. That is a tough line to walk, too. Because when you're editing, I think sometimes, you know, you can let someone go off and it's great.

But then, you know, I've read about people go, oh, man, you know, they ad-libbed it. They didn't say the one line that we needed. Well, they didn't say the one line. But also sometimes it just throws off the rhythm of, you know what I mean? Because you have this whole overall movie and some things can just stick out. Right. And that's what I'm saying. It's tough.

It's tough. That's what I'm saying. You have to say the guidance they give you to say within the line. You make sure. That's the business. You get the business out there. Yes. And then you can play.

You know what I mean? Like, get them the business and then play. If you can figure out how to play around the line that gets us out of this scene to the next scene, then, yeah, you're good. Then they'll let you do the throat clearing. Yeah. All that. Yeah. Which I love hearing about, too, because I've always loved, I've always admired. next scene, then yeah, you're good. Then they'll let you do the throat clearing. Yeah, all that.

Which I love hearing about too, because I've always loved, I've always admired your comedy, Dion, because I feel like you do access a thing that I never expected. And it's, you know, there's people you watch where you're like, oh, that person kind of makes the same joke that I would make. And like, okay, I guess, I guess that's funny. But you always do something else that I mean, it's like you zag when I think you're going to zig. And how do you, where does that come from when you're out there? It's just trying to be, you know,

think outside the box. You know, comedy is like magic. You know, it's like if you can't see it coming, that's a great comic. You know, if you can't see it. I'm looking at that hand. Yeah. It's a surprise, you know.

Back in the day, I used to go on stage with a guitar. Oh, you did? And never play it. Just leave. I'd do my whole act doing like this. Oh, would you have your hands up, too? Yeah, I'd just do my whole act. And then leave.

Oh, that's great. And everybody just. Well, you're right. Like right it doesn't have to make sense it just makes you laugh I'll bring a flute, whatever whatever's backstage whatever I see backstage I'm just grabbing and taking with me

you used to do you used to go out early I just love you pull out a card but the way you did it was so funny and confident You used to go out early. I just love you pull out a card. But the way you did it was so funny. Yeah, reading my jokes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it was, I always remember that. That's the first time I was really surprised.

Yeah. I did it on the show, on the Tonight Show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did it on there too. Yeah, absolutely. I used to do that back in Chicago when I was so high. I wasn't able to remember my jokes. So it came out of necessity.

Yes, it did. And then when I remembered, people were like, well, where's the notepad? And I'm like, oh, I remember my jokes. Oh, that was a joke. And they're like, yeah, no, fuck that. I don't need this. Fuck that. No, we don't want your memory.

Read that shit. Do you find it, because with stand-up, I mean, you often are going to have to do sets many times, you know, and especially like

if you're recording a special or something. How do you keep that stuff exciting for yourself? Like if you've got, you know, little magic tricks. Man,

you just have to really write shit that you want to hear. You want to hear write shit that you want to hear That you want to hear yourself say That you'd like to hear someone else say Yeah, like You have to write like that You know, it's like

It's like when people write songs You know They don't put people's Like their friends names Or something In the songs And all of that Because You gotta sing this song

A million God damn times Right And how about Beyond our friends no more You still going You know Shout out to Jake

And shit And it's like Jake not even You asshole Right Jake's an asshole He even took your girlfriend And he's gone

To Puerto Rico So it's like Yo You don't wanna do that So Jake's an asshole. He even took your girlfriend and he's gone to Puerto Rico. So it's like, yo, you don't want to do that. So it's like that with writing material. Like, what do I want to hear myself constantly say that's funny? Where even more importantly, writing for a reaction that's going to be different everywhere I go. You know, I could say something and it'll be a different reaction everywhere I go. I'll be more in tune with the reaction rather than the joke.

You get what I'm saying? Because the reaction is going to keep it fresh to me. Right, right. People laughing at a different point. Yeah, and how they laugh at it and how it relates to different cities and all of that, you know. I had this joke about Cisco, right? And one day I went to Baltimore and I did the joke, forgot he was from Baltimore and did this joke about Cisco, right? And one day I went to Baltimore and I did the joke. Forgot he was from Baltimore.

And did the joke. And it was like, boom. I was like, oh. And I was like, why they tripping? And I was like, oh, he's from here. Cisco stands, yeah. I was like, where's my smoke bombs at? I got to get them to disappear.

He's a magician. Right, right right right but the reaction still it's like you just never know what the reaction is you know so uh i try to write like that as well where i can feel different where you're not sure how what the reaction is going to be yeah yeah in a sense because then that keeps it fresh to me you know i mean the joke is fresh or whatever but i try to keep writing, period. It's amazing. Tell me if I'm wrong.

I'm just curious. I feel like for years, comedians could get by writing a lot less material, and now it's like, well, you got to be working on a fresh hour. Isn't that true? It's so true. You used to be working on a fresh hour. Isn't that true?

It's so true. You used to be able to do the same material for like five years. Five different shows forever back in the day. Yeah. Now, with social media, you can do one joke and post it. That joke is gone. Wow. You know, like it's going to circle around.

And if it go viral or whatever, then that joke is gone wow you know like it's gonna circle around and if you go viral or whatever then that joke is gone but people also using those jokes to get the attention of other people going man i'm like that was funny who is this guy and then they go see him and so you'll see a lot more comedians posting like a joke at airs or whatever and like putting it out there in order for them to get some type of... Now they seem to post crowd work. Yeah, they post... That's what they're saying. So you won't have to burn your material.

Now you won't have to burn your material. So yeah, they do that too. They post a lot of crowd work to show how funny they are or whatever without burning material. Yeah, they definitely do that.

That would flip me out getting that, like being a comedian and posting stuff on social media. And then, like, I would not want to read the comments because, like, I don't want. Yeah. Like, I remember some comedy clubs had comment cards and I was like, whoa. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I remember that. I would never read them. Like, don't let the audience. I don't want the audience to weigh in on any of this. You know, it's after the fact. Yeah. Like you either did well or you didn't. You have your memory of it and that's all you need.

Yes. I don't want anyone writing a paragraph about it. Yeah, exactly. But now, I can't even imagine that. Yeah, it's like the material now. And people love to complain. Like, man. Customers.

My last special I did. My last special I did, my last special, when, like, all that material's gone, now I'm working on a whole new album to get, like, to go tour with and then film another special. And, like, it's just, it's a never-ending machine.

It's just, like, you put it out and boom. Because your last special just came out last year. Just came out and I'm already driving home with no radio and shit. Oh, that is stressful. Leaving the club, bombing and shit. Like, oh my God, I got a special out right now. Yeah, yeah. But you already feel like you're starting at zero.

I'm starting at zero again, absolutely. You want to do a victory lap. Yeah. I would think, like, do some of the stuff you just did in your special. A lot of people don't know them specials out there. That's the end game, though. You know that. It's the end game.

When you see the special, that was the end of a two-year run of working on material. So when you see that, that's like, yeah, but by the time you see that, I'm miserable again. Right. You know? I'm like, I don't have no, I'm jokeless. I have no jokes. I'm out here like, wow. Because it's joke poor, yeah.

Totally self-imposed. Yeah, exactly. And so that's where I'm at now. You know, people going, man, I love your last special. And I'm like this, thank you. I can't perform right now. Months ago. Yeah, I'm like, I'm working on material now, whatever.

And so, yeah, just trying to put it together, man. But like you said, it's hard. And that's like, you got to keep chokes. And there's so many comedians, too. That it's like, you got to like stay, you got to stay fresh. And you got to be on top of it. And you got to like, just stay out there, you know. stay you gotta stay fresh and you gotta be on top of it and you gotta like just stay out there

you know and you know live in order to write right and the comedy oh go ahead no just finding time

to like come up with new experiences to get material from yeah and that's a lot of that's a a lot of comedians

make it big and now they can't live so therefore they don't live. So therefore, they don't have no... They just have to write... I saw that happen with a lot of people. Yeah, they make it big.

They talk about being famous. Yeah, they talk about being famous. Right, right. Or they talk about what's in the news. Uh-huh. You know what I mean?

And it's not personal anymore. And it's not personal no more. You know what I mean? And I don't have no problem with that. Yeah. But... It's different.

It's different. And that's all that I'm saying you should talk about shit in the news definitely but if your whole set is that

it's like that's the problem I have I still want to hear about your personal life I want to hear what you did today or what you ate

or how your kids doing or whatever yeah I want to hear that so it's a mixture of what you should have, you know what I mean? And you also need

all that stage time, like you're saying. Like, you can't, you, like, good comics just perform all, I don't know if people think about it, but people are, like,

going into small clubs every night and just hacking it out. That's the job. It's the job. People don't even know that it ain't the special. The special is the end of it. That's the job. People don't even know that it ain't the

special. The special is the end of it. The job is every night being in a club, every night away from your family, performing jokes, seeing what work, what don't, dealing with assholes, dealing with clubs,

traffic, driving, pumping gas. Like you said, driving home with no radio. Driving home with no radio, dealing with the club, waiting on stage time, being nervous, wondering if it's going to work. If it don't, am I going to keep it, throw it away? I got to write some new shit. It's just, it's a never-ending process of your mind.

And people that love you and that surrounds you, they have to understand that, you know, that this is a process. That is an illness. What you're describing. That's funny as shit. I'm like, is this covered under our health care? I'm a comedian.

I need treatment. You really should be, man. Why don't you just stay home and listen to the radio? Oh, yeah. What do you mean? Don't go out every night? I can't help it. I would be doing anything else if I could.

Why don't you stay home with that guy in the mirror? How's your son? He's okay. Our son's a comedian. Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought they had pills for that. Is your son doing comedy? No.

Oh, okay, okay. Good job, good job, dad. Yeah, congrats. I know, congrats. Yes, yes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's doing sex sounds. Sex sounds. Sex sounds. German sex sounds.

Yes. Hey, you have a new show coming out. You do, I know. We got to wrap up. Yes. But you have a brand new show coming out. Yeah, I'm excited about it. This is exciting on out. You do, I know. We got to wrap up. Yes. But you have a brand new show coming out. Yeah, tell us about it. This is exciting.

I do, I do. Called Average Joe. Average Joe. You can brag about it. Yes. You play a plumber in Pittsburgh. Yes, yes, yes. It's called Average Joe, comedically dark.

Ooh. It said a dark comedy. Yeah, it's like a darkly comedic type of. Yeah. Does that mean there's murder? Yes, plenty of it. Plenty of murder. But it's, you know, it's fun, too.

It's coming on BET Plus, man. Yeah, it's just good to play a character that can be funny, serious, dramatic. Like, everything. Just vulnerable, you know, and like all in one, you know, and this guy here is something else, man. You know, he's just caught up in a bad mix, man, and he has to get his way out of it. And every week he's just trying to get out of it, man, trying to get out of this situation. So, yeah, it drops June 26th on BET Plus and Paramount Plus,

both of those. And, yeah, man, I can't wait for everybody to see it, man. Please check it out. It's great. Let me know. It'll be, like, good Rider Strike content. Yeah, right, right, yeah. One of the only things I know is that it got all done

and early enough where they could edit it man I'm so glad man I'm so glad yeah we got it right in

right on time and I'll be touring soon and at the end of the year I'm in Color Purple what oh my god

wait like on stage no oh the movie there's a movie coming out oh wow yeah they redid it Um, Color Purple. What? Oh, my God. Wait, like on stage? No. Oh. The movie. Oh, the movie. There's a movie coming out. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They redid it. Oh, wow. With Steven Spielberg, executive producer. Wow. Oprah Winfrey, executive producer. Is Oprah doing a cameo? Yeah, yeah. You heard of those?

No, she doesn't. Okay. No, no, no. But it's a lot of good surprises in it. Okay. Oh, that's great. And when's that coming out? Yeah, it comes out Christmas. It's a dark comedy. Wow. It comes out Christmas. It's a lot of good surprises in it. Okay. Oh, that's great. And when's that coming out? Yeah, it comes out Christmas.

It's a dark comedy. Wow. It's a dark comedy. The color purple. There's a little twist to it. There's a little funny to it. Yeah. Wow.

And then the big thing. Oh, my God. You're going to EGOT this year. The EGOT? That's right. Want to be EGOT. In one year That's the new goal

Yeah Exactly That's what And everyone else Just tell everyone To be sure to tune in To Moonburn Moonburn

Yes It's gonna be coming Coming soon to us Moonburn You don't know the frequency yet But you'll find it When you need it Moonburn is gonna be

This is Keith Sweat singing Let's just never finish my song. Never finish my song. You don't have to. That's the Moonburn. That's the Moonburn show, right? It'd be

great though, man. But thank you all, man. Thank you, you Dion I know thank you very much we'll only have you on eight more times yes that's fine please

thank you for coming in please thank you it's really good to see you and I love how much you have going on thank you so much man yeah anytime man hit me up man

let's go alright love you see you on the moonbeams burn moonburn I'm just playing. Thank you to Dion Cole for joining us.

Always a pleasure having him in the studio. Yeah, he's great. And some great advice, too. He did. Yeah, I know. For life. Forget about work. For sure.

I took that to heart for the next 15 minutes. I did too. After the interview. And I'm right back to my old ways. Yeah, and we have a listener question. Oh, good. As always. Hi, Mike and Jesse.

My name is Ryan, a regular listener from London. Oh. Ontario, probably. But maybe England. One of my favorite Conan remotes is when Jenny from Santa University taught Conan how to be a department store Santa. Just wow, that's going back. Just wondering if there really is a Santa University. How many of them are there? Did you visit any of them? Is there an Ivy League of Santa Universities? Is there a Harvard?

That's right. Can you flunk out? So many questions. Would love to hear more about it. Really enjoyed the podcast. Thanks. Well, thank you, Ryan. Yeah, thanks, Ryan. I've never seen this remote. Oh, it's a very funny remote. Save it for the holidays or watch it for

the 4th of July. Yeah. Yeah, it's funny. It'll hold up. This was done in 2002. Oh, yeah. So it was back on late night and Christmas time, Andrew Weinberg was the writer on it. And to answer the question that there isn't really a... Well, she claims she ran Santa University, but she, for three decades, I think,

trained hundreds and hundreds of Santas across the country. Oh, wow. Yeah. She just started it out in one little region, and it just... People were like, oh, if you want a good Santa... Specialization, yeah. Yes, yes.

She just was self-taught. She just instinctively knew, you know, what a Santa should do or not do. And so she was recommended to us, I think, maybe through Saks Fifth Avenue, which was right across from our 30 Rock. It seems like they would have a good upscale Santa. Yes, yes. They'd have the- Nothing but the best. From the Harvard of Santa Hughes.

So yeah, Kona met with her and he's great when he's dealing with authority figures. Right. And she was very like, no nonsense. Like, no, no, no, no. Like anything he did wrong. Yeah, like a pageant consultant. Exactly. Exactly.

Oh yeah, that's great. So they were good together, you might say. Was he a good Santa? Not in her eyes, but in the eye of the viewer, perhaps the greatest Santa of our time. I don't think Conan would make a good Santa. He's not. No. He's not. First of all, he's too bony. Very bony. He's not soft to sit on, I don't think. No, not cuddly. No. Which might be good, actually, maybe because you want to move the kids through fast.

That's true. You don't want too comfortable of a lap. Right. Like, get the hell off the lap. And so maybe the bony is. That's true. Maybe that's the way to go going forward, you know, in this fast-paced world. But yes, too bony.

And he seems judgmental. Very judgmental of all the- About your wishes. Yes. And that's assuming he even listens to them. Right. He's probably- He's probably telling you his wishes.

Exactly. He's probably telling you all the stuff he didn't get for Christmas. And so why should you get it? How, yeah, resentful he is of his fifth Christmas. Exactly. You're right. Not a good Santa. No, not jolly.

No, but that's all the info. You know, I remember hearing once, maybe this was an episode of This American Life, but we were talking about unions at the beginning of the show. I think there is a union for all those department store Santas. That does sound like a David Sedaris would know. Yeah. No, maybe it was a David Sedaris.

Right, right, right. Yeah. So I think they all unionized at some point. Oh, that's great. I know. So I'm going to look that up. I wonder if they've ever gone on strike. Right?

Yes. How do we get onto this? I don't know. We're talking about Santa. Oh, Santa University. Santa University. So anyway, yes, Jen.

I looked up her name. It's Jen Zink. Zink. Z-I-N-K. What a great name. And she lives in Nevada, I believe. Yeah.

Cody, Nevada is the last. Do you think she's retired from Santa? She seemed like she's ready to retire after dealing with Conan. And that was in 2002. I saw a photo of her in 2022 in Cody, Wyoming. And we found a phone number and we tried it, but it was disconnected. So I don't know.

Yeah. Maybe she's become Mrs. Santa and is living in the North Pole. Oh, that's great. That seems like the next step. We'll write her a letter. We'll send your letter along, Ryan. Okay. Thanks, Ryan.

And please keep those questions coming in. You can email us. Yes, please do. At InsideConanPod at gmail.com or call us at 323-209-1079. I say this every time, but we will not answer the phone. I would be terrified to call if I thought someone would answer. And don't worry. I would happily.

There's not anybody answering. Yeah. If there is a burner phone with that number on it, I would happily carry it around. I will answer. Oh, that'd be great. Can you get me a burner phone? I'll carry it. All right. Call day or night.

Okay, and I will answer the phone. What have I just agreed to? I'd consider it. Well, and if you like the show and if you like Mike's sacrifice, you can support us by rating Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast on iTunes and leaving us a review.

There's one more thing I want to say. We collectively love you. We do. With our collective bargaining power. Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast is hosted by Mike Sweeney and me, Jesse Gaskell. Our producer is Lisa Burr. Team Coco's executive producers are Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Engineered and mixed by Joanna Samuel.

Our talent bookers are Gina Batista and Paula Davis with assistance from Maddie Ogden. Thanks to Jimmy Vivino for our theme music and interstitials. You can rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. And of course, please subscribe and tell a friend to listen to Inside Conan or an enemy on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, or whatever platform you like best. I'm not going to tell you what to do. Put on your hat. It's the conan show try on some spats you're gonna have a laugh give birth to a calf it's conan this has been a team coco production