Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - Jason Chillemi, Jordan Schlansky

Episode Date: April 19, 2019

Conan Field Producer Jason Chillemi joins Conan writers Mike Sweeney and Jessie Gaskell to talk about what goes on behind the scenes on remotes and travel shows all the way from the Late Night days to Conan’s recent trip to Australia. Plus, Associate Producer Jordan Schlansky returns to talk about his experience with the Conan travel shows and the evolution of words that need to be bleeped on the show over the years.This episode is brought to you by Vrbo, Postmates (code: insideconan), Third Love (www.thirdlove.com/insideconan), The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, and Twix.Check out Conan Without Borders: Australia: https://teamcoco.com/australiaCheck out Conan25: The Remotes: https://conan25.teamcoco.com/Got a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone] and e-mail us at [e-mail] Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

And now, it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Welcome to Inside Conan. It's great to be back. It is. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Mike Sweeney. How are you? I'm good. Good to see see you i've been seeing you i see all the time i saw you all day i saw you all yesterday yeah and the day before that but we

have been especially spending a lot of time together because we've been editing the australia show yes which aired this week and it's online now it's on teamcoco.com slash australia yeah so we thought it'd be a natural to talk about that show. Yeah. We both went there. Yep. We've gone on all those travel shows with him. All the travel shows.

This one was fun. This was a real whirlwind because we did a lot in a short amount of time. Yes. They're all like that. We all got sick. We all got sick. Conan got sick. He led the way by getting sick when the day we landed, really, he started not feeling well.

Yeah. But he's a total trooper. He is a real trooper. When he's medicated. Yes. And he's actually funnier. Yeah. No, that's not true.

No. Blasphemy. But we are going to talk to today our wonderful field producer, Jason Chalemi. Jason Chills Chalemi. Yes. And he goes on all these travel shows. Yes. And he oversees the production from starting a month before we even go, just dealing with a billion details.

All the logistics. Yes. And while we're there as well. And he makes the travel shows happen. And he's been with the show for a long time. He's always done these remotes and field pieces starting back at late night. And he did all the, you know, Triumph remotes and stuff around New York City. So he has seen a lot.

He's seen a lot of shit. Of behind the scenes stuff. Yeah. That has happened. So we're excited to talk to him. He's our good friend. And then we're also going to talk to Jordan Schlansky. We're bringing Jordan back.

By popular demand. Yes. And we're going to try to focus him on the Australia show. But he usually just, before we even. You can't control Jordan. No, there's no control. He'll talk about what he wants to talk about. Exactly.

But first, let's talk to Jason. Here's Jason. We're here with Jason Chalemi. Hey, guys. How are you? I'm good. We're so excited to have you here. I'm excited to be here.

What is your official title? I don't even know. I don't think I know either. I just think of you as Chills. Jason Chills. You're Chills. Yes. Producer.

Yeah. But you're specifically a field producer. Correct. For the actual show, I'm a field producer. Yes. Producer. Yeah. But you're specifically a field producer. Correct. For the actual show, I'm a field producer. Right. Though when I got hired way back in 97, I was hired as a PA. My job has not changed at all. Okay.

I literally have been doing the same exact thing from 97 on. Direct. Just titles. I mean, it's just. Do you get paid more? Yes. Okay, good. It's been more money.

Because you started, was this your first ever job? It was. Any kind of job? No, I worked at like. Oh, like you worked at the. Swimming tennis clubs. Right, right, was this your first ever job? It was. Any kind of job? No, I worked at like swimming tennis clubs. Right, right, right. Yeah, I was. Really? Delivered newspapers, mowed lawns.

Oh. But your first. Out of college. Hollywood job. Oh, yeah. But I didn't know I wanted to do this. Yeah. I just.

How did you get here? Someone knew the person hiring interns, Chris DeLuca. Right. I remember him. And I got the internship. And I was done with college already, Chris DeLuca. Right. I remember him. And I got the internship. And I was done with college already, so I just stayed. Yeah. Like, there was no one kicking me out.

It was at different times. It was like, I didn't get it. You could just keep hanging out and then they'd just pay you. I wasn't getting credit. I was just, yeah, exactly. I don't know if it's changed that much. And then I got hired a year later. As a PA.

As a PA, but doing remote, like being in charge of field pieces. Oh, so you are, you had a lot of responsibilities. Right away. Right away. You were large and in charge right away. Yeah. And then, so I've been here like 22 years working. It'll be 22 years in December working.

Wow. 23 as an intern. Wow. Well, we want to. Most of your life. We want to talk to you tonight. At least half of it. That's, that's true yeah wow

we want to talk to you today because we're talking about the australia show yes and you're the man on every single travel show we've done you yeah that's a team effort but it's a total team okay that's what you have to say no we, we're good. We got to get through this. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But- No, you're the guy that makes everything happen. Thank you. And you make all the initial forays. Like if we're interested in a country- I dig. I find out how we get there and-

Yep. Yeah. Yeah, you see what the permits- How easy it is and what we- Visas and- How many shots we need. Exactly. Yeah.

In which arm. Exactly. Exactly. Or is it in liquid form? And also you, you, my favorite thing is you find the fixer. Yes.

Yes. That's become my favorite thing. Also. It's such a, I know we've done like 10 now where I've needed to find, we've done 11, but 10 where I've needed to find a fixer. Right.

Cause cutter did it was, we didn't really. And a fixer is it's the local producer. Yes. Cause we don't know. We don't know the country. We don't know the country. We don't know how permitting happens, how to scout, you know, stuff like that. it's the local producer. Yes, because we don't know the country. We don't know how permitting happens, how to scout, you know, stuff like that.

So we need local help. And a lot of times they have great suggestions. Yes. You know, about, or we'll say, hey, we want to talk to, you know, this person. And they go, oh, they'll steer us to a better choice. Yeah, no, it's been great. And who are these people? Do they usually work for shows like Amazing Race and that sort of thing?

Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes. I mean, like this last one in Australia did a lot of shark, you know, it's in Australia, so she did a lot of like sharks, like natural geographic stuff. It was a natural segue, natural segue to work with us. Well, exactly. But I feel like we've been really lucky. Like we've been.

Yes. Every last one we've done has been been really lucky. Like we've been. Yes. Every last one we've done has been my favorite. We always say, yeah, exactly. No, I, and I feel you have great instincts because we'll talk to you and you'll be like, I've talked to three people and I'm really, I like Tina, you know, you'll have a front runner and you do have to go with your gut a little bit. Yeah, because you don't, I'm not seeing them. I don't know.

You know, it's just basically a quick phone conversation. And then we talk to them a few times on the phone, but then we're spending 24 hours with them. And we're like meeting them for the first time when we land. Yes. So it's a little bit of a. Yeah, they pick us up from the airport. Yeah. It's a roll of the dice.

It is. It's always worked out. They've been great. I send them some shows and they get a feel of what we're doing and it helps. I feel like we broke one person. Usually they roll with it really well because we're a hard group. I will say that. Right.

I think production wise. Yes, we are. We're way different than everyone else. We're very low maintenance, but we also, like, we change our minds very fast. We make it up. We'll be on the way somewhere. Like, we'll be there at 10 a.m., and then we'll see something amazing on the side of the road. Yes.

And we're like, pull over. Pull over. Yeah. And we jump out. Yeah. And we try to arrange it so we have a camera guy in the van with us. Right, sure. So they can literally run out and start

shooting right sometimes the camera guy's hanging out of the back of a van it's true shooting b-roll oh it's true yeah it's very yeah i do i think we're way different and people are stunned at first but i do they end up loving us they end up having fun it ends up being like one of the funnest things they've ever done and then you exactly. I mean, that's what they said. They wouldn't make it up. Well, you're a good bridge because you are sort of required to both hang out with Conan and Jeff and, you know, like the executive producer types. And then you also... The second floor versus the second VA.

Yes, exactly. And then you also hang out with the crew and often the pas and all those people will go hang and they'll go out like yeah and you guys go out till four or five in the morning yeah um so then we have to get up at six wake up early and was that happening in australia it wasn't that much not that much i think the jet you know flying there took a lot out of people. Like, I mean, I was wiped. I mean, we went right into it that day. We shot the day we got in.

Well, Conan got sick. He was literally sick the second we landed. Right. And then you had, I remember you had to kind of take care of him. Yeah, we had to get him meds. Yes. Australian meds. You were nursing him all week.

I was. We'd be like, where's Chalemi? The drugstore. He's making soup. But you do. yes really immense you're nursing them all week i was we'd be like where's chileme uh the drug store he's making soup but you do you're it makes me laugh because i'll often look over at you and you're holding a lot of stuff yeah for people you're like we do this thing we're very bare bones like we don't have prop guys we don't have wardrobe we don't have makeup and hair and we have makeup right local so we're we're all i mean it's not just me like someone's holding a cue card someone's hold i'm but i'm just me. Like someone's holding a cue card.

Someone's holding, but I'm holding a lot of. Yeah, but you're usually holding a heavy stack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel bad because like we were in Italy and there was this store that had Pinocchio. Yeah, yeah. Wooden Pinocchio's you can kneel in. A big wooden Pinocchio, yeah. And we were just like, you know, it's one of those.

Just in case. Things where you're like, oh my God, this is so funny. We've got to do it in every, you know, If we did this in another town, it would be hilarious. But we never did, right? And so you were dragging that damn Pinocchio stretcher around everywhere. But we never used it again. Never used it again. And now it's in the hallway.

When you are constantly dragging cardboard cutouts of Jordan Slansky every year too. You'll have one under your arm. Right. Right. And then we often don't use those either.

We'll have to ask him or we should tell him about this woman who bought a cardboard cutout of him during that live show in Sydney.

Yeah. The drunk woman. The drunk woman. Yeah. She was drunk. She tried to get amorous with the cutout. With the cutout. In front woman. The drunk woman. Yeah. She was drunk. She tried to get amorous with the cutout. With the cutout.

In front of 3,000 people. Yeah. Literally a foot away from Conan she's like making out with a cardboard cutout. She couldn't believe

how lifelike Jordan was acting so she she took advantage. Yeah, right. So the I mean

do you like doing this? What's What's, what's wrong with you? I don't like carrying around heavy things, but I also, but I like the idea of, you like being on these trips. Yeah.

And I like the idea of it. Like, you know, if it is needed, it's ready to go. You know, I don't want to be, but there is times also like,

where's the, you know, this and I'm like, shit, you know, like, and I'm just running back to event. Like we,

we don't, I'm not always on to event. Like we, we don't, I'm not always on my game. We do the best we can. You're pretty, you, you pretty much have everything like that. We had the octopus in my living room. Oh,

that's right. That was your big, in Korea. In South Korea, we bought an octopus at the fish market. It was like, pretty early. Octopi being sold to eat.

Right. And they were alive. Conan saved it. And so Conan bought one. But it's always like, he's a little kid and he just turns around and hands it to you because you're his mom. And now you're holding this octopus. There's all these rules and it has to be cold.

Yeah, and we brought the octopus back to the U.S. It lived in a cooler. In salt water. I mean, come on, octopus. We eventually gave it to professionals, but for like two nights it was living in my... It was in your... And I had to wake up every like three hours and like add ice and... Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's really in your hotel room. I was tending to a... You had a newborn. A newborn, yeah. And you bonded. You bonded with him. I did.

I did. And then since I had a couple of octopi here, all to no avail. Right. What does no avail mean? They all ended poorly. Oh, no. It's so hard. It's so hard to have it. To keep an octopus.

Temperature, salt, it's hard. Yeah. I love them all. Do you still, you have other sea life, though? I have some fish. Yeah. Octopi don't have a long, they were saying the ones over there only live a year or so. Yeah.

Did yours make it that long? Tell yourself that. No. No. The longest was like three months. Okay. But when they're, oh, and he's happy and swimming around, it was great. Oh.

Wait, what was the name? Sammy. Sammy. Samuel. Samuel. Samuel. Yeah. Samuel.

And then we donated him. To an aquarium. To an aquarium. And they made like a whole exhibit out of it. Like Conan's octopus Samuel. Right. And they sent us a picture of it, but we don't know for sure that they did. Well, then he eventually came here.

Didn't he come back like a year? Right, right, right. He came here in quotes, as you just said. Yeah, they don't see the quote. Yeah, they bought it in Santa Monica. I'm going to say that exhibit in the aquarium lasted three months as well. Right. And then it was bye-bye Samuel. Yeah. Very sad. Yeah, you should

get a pet on every travel show. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We do. No pets on this one. That was the only one. I could have taken the wombat or something. Oh, you could have taken the wombat.

Oh, right. Tonka? Tonka? Tonka the wombat. What else happened on this trip? It was kind of. It was low key. It was low key.

It felt like we did a lot of things. We were pretty efficient. Yeah. We were good in this one. Yes. You know, we did the football one day. We did. We had great PA's. A couple of bad days. He did that show in, we did the football one day. We did... We had great PAs.

A couple of bad days. He did that show in the middle, so it kind of broke things up. We had a great team. Stand-up show. We had a great... Our whole Australian team was amazing. Yeah, they were all great. Everybody.

Everyone was great. All women, right? All women. Yeah. We had a couple of male drivers. Except for the bodyguard. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

We always... Well, am I allowed to talk about the bodyguard? Sure It's funny because we'll get security in foreign countries but it's not really necessary Has it ever been a point where we felt like we needed, I mean I guess Conan loves

fans and crowds so it's not like he's ever like, get me out of here Korea we kind of need, not in a bad way but Korea was like, when he came to the airport. It was helpful to just keep things moving. People were like dragged out and thrown into vans.

It was like, it was so many people. The airport was insane. And then any time we were on the street, he'd immediately get attracted to the big crowd. But in some countries, like in Armenia, we just had it.

We had a police escort everywhere we went. That was amazing. We'd still be there if we didn't have that police escort. The traffic was so crazy. But it did feel a little silly that we would have a, there was a police car with the siren on. Siren. Full siren. Speeding.

Literally. And it would be taking us to like a dance lesson that we were doing. It's not an emergency. The opposite. I thought about how mad I would be. No traffic. Exactly. Hopefully no one in Armenia saw the show or they'd be like, that bastard. Well, there was

nothing went haywire really in Australia, but in Japan we were flying to Conan Town. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And we'd land. There was a big logistical snafu. There was a slight snafu. I blame myself. We land there, and then our fixer there quietly comes up, literally very Soto Voce, just goes, we landed at the wrong airport.

Yeah, he was more calm. Yeah. He was very calm about it. Well, at that point, what can you do? Yeah. We, yeah, there were two airports. It was, what was the name of the town again? I know it was Konantown, were two airports it was what was the name of town again i know it's conantown but what was it it was a i know hokue okay and there were literally

two airports like within equidistant each an hour away and and so and there were people waiting a crowd of fans that were waiting for us at one other one the one we were supposed to and when i booked the travel i i i just I didn't think there was a second. No, why would you? I was like, yes, let's immediately take this. It's like if there was a- None of us checked. Airport in Burbank and then also an airport in Lendale.

Exactly, exactly. Right, two in Burbank. Yeah, there was no way to know, but it ended up being. It was exciting. You guys made it work. It was all- It was exciting. We had to take a bus it ended up being. You guys made it work. It was all. It was exciting. We had to take a bus to a

bus stop. A bus to a train station. We took tax cabs for an hour. Well, now we have we're literally meeting tomorrow to talk about the next one. What's next? Yeah. What are your feelings on it? Where do you want to go? I'd like to go somewhere

this continent we haven't gone to. There are. A whole continent. A whole continent. So I'd like to mix it up. But we got to see what works. What everybody's schedules. Yeah.

Time frame. But you've already probably started putting out feelers for it. I bet there's a lot of people who get your ear and are like, hey, chills. Right. Look into this. Yeah. There's a lot of that. Yeah. But it's also like a lot of countries are like, hey, chills. Right. Look at this. Yeah, there's a lot of that. Yeah.

But it's also like a lot of countries are like inviting us to come. Yeah. You know, we've gotten, people love what's been going on and they want us to come to their country, which is cool. We should ask for the highest bidder and then decide. That's right. I love that idea. That's very democratic. And whoever gives us the $20 will go there.

Yeah. I mean, there's $20 will go there. Yeah. I mean, there's not really a scientific process. There really is not. It is. It's pretty random. Yeah. We try to do three a year and that's basically what it is. And it has been as basic as this person invited us, a fan invited us, or it's somewhere that, you know, Jeff wants to go.

Right. Anyone have a problem with it? No, we'll go. Do you have a favorite show of all the shows we've done? I think I like Cuba. I mean, Cuba was just, it's just the first and this thing about. It was magical. Yeah.

I really, really love them all. I mean, it's, they're all so different. Right. And, but the first one was good. I really, really love them all. I mean, they're all so different. Right. But the first one was good. Yeah. Me and Michael went to Finland way back in 2006. That was it.

Yeah. With the other writers were Andrew Weinberg and Michael Komen. Correct. Yes. Mm-hmm. An army went on that one, by the way. Right now, these trips, we do like 11, 12 people. There was like almost 20 of us who went on that one. It was way, it was over.

And that was just for one segment? No, it was a whole show. Oh, it was a whole show. That was NBC. They had money to burn. It was way different. Ah, take 20 people over there. Yeah, that was, that was crazy.

Yeah. I would not have had to hold props on that one. I would have, other people could have done it. Oh yeah. Have you seen that change a lot? I mean, cause is that even something you have to consider? Like, are you the budget guy? No, I actually don't care about money at all.

Like, I would say yes to everything. But there are other people who care. And I just. None of us care. Yeah. I don't care. Yeah. So, I do have to run it by people.

I would hate to have to worry about money. That's a drag. Yeah. Yeah. The budget for these shows. Of money. That's a drag. Yeah. Yeah. The budget for these shows. Of course. We need three elephants.

Some have been really like, you know, Korea was a little bit more because we did this big music video. Oh, right. Yeah. Right. We did a K-pop video. Yeah. That we spent all day shooting. 15 hours.

Yeah. And it was a long. Madness. That was a lot of money. I think just the one that made me laugh the hardest while we were there i think was berlin yeah yeah just because well there was the dancing segment which is still one of my favorite yeah when we brought andy in for that yeah and that was hilarious and then conan going to the dominatrix yes which was one of the most asexual experiences i've ever had it was

so fun and that and that was a as a you know like i'm there and i'm we don't have lighting people like i'm holding a like a light leaning against the i'm banging against like this mirrored ceiling right she's like pinching his nipple it was just such a weird yeah we were all packed into this hot it was just also we were on different wavelengths the whole time. She was ready to treat him as a real client. Oh, she wanted to make him pop. And Robert Kraft him. Yes. Our main problem, we didn't have a real safe word from Conan.

We needed something where he was, because he kept joking. I don't even know if it was joking. Like, all right, all right. That's good. That's good. We didn't know if he was being serious or not. We didn't know if he was really hurting her or if he was playing it for laughs. You mean if she was hurting him.

Oh, if she was, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because usually when we start these, we'll go to the person and say, treat this like he's a real client or, you know, we want this to be a real experience, that, like, you're doing your job normally. But then what we didn't factor in was that if it's a dominatrix. What her job is. what her job is and there are people who probably tell her to stop and she's not supposed to stop exactly it's part

of the game yeah she literally would have done everything to him in front of us yes absolutely no question oh yeah no problem i mean there was a point i was like we're gonna see his penis like that was it was getting close Have you ever seen it? No. No? No. You had to think about it for a second. Well, I'm trying to, I mean, I've been here 23 years. I'm surprised you haven't seen it.

Yeah. I mean, I've seen him in dance belts. You're not going to ask me. Sweeney, have you seen it? No. Oh. So no one can confirm if Conan has a penis. No one in this room.

No. I cannot confirm it. Interesting. I mean, I cannot confirm it. Interesting. We've been close. I feel like you guys would have gone into a steam room or something at some point. No. No steam. Steven Yeun, that was the closest, but even then he was fully

covered. He had like one of those dance belts. How demure. There's a whole other dominatrix remote that no one's seen yet that we edited. That's right. And Conan was just like, you know what? Wait, what? Yeah.

Do I know this? There were so many other funny things. Oh, yeah, yeah. That happened there. Oh, sure. We put it together. And I think Conan was just like, uh, no. He was worried about his family seeing it, I think.

Yeah. It was risque so yeah we could we could all of being there it did it again it didn't really feel sexual no you're right no it was not sexual no no no no it seemed like you're you're in a battle a war it was more like being at the dentist yes but the dentist is like really hurting somebody. And barely dressed. Can you remember like some of the early remotes you did? Yes, he can. Anything stand out to you? I have a couple.

Were there any real disasters? No. One of my first abroad international trips was with Michael. We went to Ireland. Oh, yeah. When Conan was looking for his ancestors. Right. Before 23and his ancestors. Right. Before 23andMe existed.

Right. Yes. At this time, it was the simplest way to do this. Very old school. Yeah. And we were there only two days. We like our weekend. We literally flew for a weekend.

And just shot around the clock. Nonstop. And no one in Ireland knew who he was at the time. But they were, and a lot of them were soused out of their minds and he'd start joking with them and they were just like, Oh, another jokester. And they were just kind of running circles. They were hilarious. Yeah.

They really were. Without, without giving it a second thought. That's his heritage. Yeah. That's, those are his heritage. That was just a long remote, right? That was just like a, it wasn't. It was remote.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. That's amazing. But you, right? That was just like a, it wasn't. It was remote. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. That's amazing. But you guys did that back in the day. I mean, like I, that was the only one I really, I guess I did India with Blitz, but you guys used to travel, you guys used to travel, used to travel a lot and just do like, here's a 10 minute remote meet the, you know, in Amsterdam or something, you know, you used to do that.

Right. How, how crazy it was going to India with, with Andy Blitz. It was crazy. It was. Who was a writer on late night. Right. How crazy it was going to India with Andy Blitz. It was crazy. It was. Who was a writer on Late Night. Yeah. The idea is very. And the guest on Inside Conan.

That's right. Oh, yes. Great guest. I heard that one. Well, the idea was simple. It was just literally him. He wanted to get his computer fixed instead of calling IT, which was NBC's IT was based in India.

Right. So he would physically, he physically brought his monitor and, you know, desktop with him. So he was just, it's just shots of him walking around India, holding monitor in one arm, computer in the other one,

just walking around. Looking for IT help. Yeah. Just getting to the NBC IT department. So it's just, we were in this, the city of Hyderabad, which is where they were.

And it was just shots of him walking around crowded streets and on an elephant and doing stuff like Bollywood he's playing cricket

he used the monitor like as a backstop and playing cricket you know it was just and eventually he made it there so it was just the two of you

and the camera crew or there was a writer Dan Gore Dan Gore went right who had been to india before he was yes right i believe yes yes um and it was fun we were there for like five days oh wow yeah oh

that's great yeah yeah i mean i guess if you're gonna fly that far you might as well yeah when india has been kind of at the top of our list for a little while and you had to deal with we you actually coordinated our shot didn't we hear like that was kind of the reason, didn't we hear that it was, this is kind of the reason why our process, we tried to go to India and this like held us up a little bit. And it was like, they found out we,

whoever went, I wasn't in charge of getting us there last time, but that may have. Nicely handled. We weren't, we didn't do it the proper way. You didn't do it the proper way. Yeah. So I think that was like.

Or was it that they watched the remote and were like, we don't. Yeah. It could have been was. Or was it that they watched the remote. Maybe that was. Yeah. It could have been a combination of both. It could have been a combination of both. Yeah. And then you and I also did a Triumph Incel Comic Dog. Yes.

Remote. Triumph tours the Hollywood stars homes. Yes. Because we were in L.A. It was the first travel week we ever did. It was like in 99. Right. Triumph had done was like in 99. Right. Triumph had done some Westminster remotes.

Right. Where he gets, he got kicked out. Thrown out, yeah. He had done two at that point, I think. And so this was the next logical advance. And we went up into the, we rented a bus. Like one of those star tours. A double-decker

yeah with real fans on it people we asked people yeah we literally asked real people to do this had them sign releases

and then we hijacked them for like seven hours oh my god it was people were crying bus drivers were crying we were driving up there

I mean it was a big bus we went up to Bel Air bus drivers were crying branches were low weren't branches like people getting hit? We had to tell everyone we're like, incoming! And people would duck. If they didn't duck, they would be decapitated.

And we went outside. We stopped outside Barbara Streisand's house and he was yelling through and neighbors came out to protect her. They were her they were like get out they started calling the cops yeah no it was the cops came we got a police escort and then that night we were we're like well at least we got all this great stuff and we're editing it and no the cat we we hired

a local cameraman all the footage was really dark and we were like i we may not be able to use it right so we had to after this day that was hellish hellish it was like well we have to go back tomorrow and recreate all of it what and so i was like well why don't we shoot in the the flats the beverly hills flats yeah no one will know where we are. And, and you know, Robert's just like, no, we got to go back to Bel Air. And I'm like, there's already cops.

Yeah. They already answered. A quarter of cops. They shut down Bel Air. Just on the chance we'd return. Yeah. And he's like, no man,

we got to go. So we were like, okay. So we went. New bus. We went back up there. It wasn't the same people. We got different people.

No, we got different people. Those people are all in the hospital by the end of the day. And we went back up there. It wasn't the same people. We got different people. No, we got different people. Those people are all in the hospital by the end of the day. And we went back up there. Just listening to this is making me want to quit. Oh my God. And, but of course, when you try to recreate something,

it lacked the spark of the first day. And so we ended up using the first one. Figuring out a way to brighten it up enough where it's like, okay, it's okay. And we didn't use any of the second day.

It's my least favorite thing when something like that happens. Yeah. That was, but we also, we ended up at the, uh, Madam T, no,

Madam Tussauds or Hollywood wax museum. Right. And it was the end. And we got there at like, I remember we got there like at 7. PM. And I was like, this place closes at nine 30. Like we're good. We're this day's almost done. And we got there at like, I remember we got there like at 7 p.m. And I was like, this place closes at 930.

Like, we're, this day's almost done. And I remember saying to Michael, Robert's from Triumph. He goes hard. He goes long. When it's time to stop, he goes like three hours after that. But I was like, this place is closing. Like, we're done. And 930, I was like, we're preparing, you know, this is great.

And I remember telling you that. Right. Dude, we're done in like an hour and a half. It's over. And I was just like, you're so nice yeah you're so new and then two in the morning you know still at the wax still at the wax yeah it was so there the employees were willing to keep it open it was like one manager yeah it was the uh it was we out the manager was the manager was in over his head oh no that was all in good that make it in? The manager was in over his head. Oh, no, that was all in. Good. That was all in. It just took a while.

Yeah, yeah. Even though we were dealing with wax figures. Right, exactly. Still hard to get them to stay in the right way. Yeah, it's hard to recreate the magic. For humping. That is the, I mean, the worst thing that could possibly happen is to shoot like that and then have it not make it in the show.

It's the worst thing. That's really. Yeah. Something else before 99, this is not trying for later, but one thing I just remembered was when, do you remember we like sent out, the idea was to send out the robot in the toilet in advance.

Cause it would take him a while to get there. Like, it was like, he can't go on a plane or something. So he was going to, we had a character robot in the toilet. Of course. So for a week of shows

in 99 we're like you know Conan's pitching it was like a tease almost it was like a remember next week next week

you know next week you know we're live in LA and the guests are this but just you know we're all flying this weekend

right and we need to send out you know the robot in the toilet can't go on the plane metal detectors right so we're sending him out early

like literally like four days in advance. So that was like the bumper, the T, whatever it was. Yeah. Right. T's in the show was next week. And the whole idea was, it was a Michael Gordon idea, I think. Well, he was, yeah, he was the writer.

And we, the idea was that we just needed a shot of the robot toilet getting into the Lincoln Tunnel. Oh, right. I remember that shot. And it wasn't even the Lincoln, I mean, it was just, that was it. It was just a quick shot. The joke was this toilet just in car. Yeah, leaving Lincoln Tunnel that was it it was just a quick shot the joke was this toilet just in car

leaving and that was it you're never going to see anything else that was the tease and it was we did shows on Friday then it literally was like

3 o'clock on a Friday and very last minute for that show we taped at 530 530? yeah and

we're down there no permits there's no permissions i mean we're and it's not the true lincoln tunnel there was like a small tunnel before the lincoln tunnel like on the west side somewhere where we faked it made it seem yeah yeah basically the idea was him going through darkness and we're walking down there it's just me camera guy literally it's traffic it's rush hour so there's traffic everybody's leaving the city and we're walking in between cars me a camera guy audio guy a man um pulling a a dolly a toilet on a dolly yeah a wardrobe person carrying a giant square robot costume right yeah um a man in a silver unitard because he's the robot on the toilet yeah he gets in the road was it brian mccann it wasn't it was someone else and then michael gordon and we're walking we walk out In a silver unitard. Because he's the robot in the toilet. Yeah, yeah. He gets in the robot. Was it Brian McCann?

It wasn't. It was someone else. And then Michael Gordon. And we walk out there. And we're literally, I mean, people are looking at us. There's snow. And we have no, we have like maybe two shots of this. I'm going to stand out there and I'll stop traffic.

You bring the dolly out. You sit on the toilet. You put the robot costume on. You pull him. That's the plan. Camera guy's in position. We're ready. Let's do it. We go. I'm holding traffic. Dolly goes out of the toilet's in position. We're ready. Let's do it.

We go. I'm holding traffic. Dolly goes out of the toilet. All right, we're pulling. We're shooting. Lose control of the dolly. The dolly, the robot on the toilet dolly hits cars in the other lane. Hits it on the side of the other lane.

Thankfully, that car just kept going. He knows he's in traffic. He didn't want to be a part. Yeah. I don't think it was severe. It wasn't severe damage. But your car just got hit with a robot on the toilet. He knows he's in traffic. He didn't want to be a part. Yeah. I don't think it was severe damage. It wasn't severe damage. But your car just got hit with a robot on top. It's just a Conan character. Our guy gets control of it.

I was like, the rider's like, no, we got to do it again. Yeah. That's not good enough. We bring it back. We're about to do it again. All of a sudden, from every angle, cop cars. One, two, people over the bridge like what do you guys do literally all from all sides coming in on different entrants drop everything hold up everything

like they literally stand us in a line do you all be you know he's making all these jokes about get off the toilet well he's just he asking everybody ids and he's just the guy in the unitard he's got he's got no pockets and he's like he's like i he's like well you're just gonna go in as a John Doe. Like, he literally is petrifying all of us. Like, this is. Right. And that goes on.

He plays this whole thing for a while. Like, he's doing an act. And all of a sudden, he's just like, next time, just call up and ask permission. He's like, what do you guys need? He holds traffic. We do it like three times. Oh. He gives.

And now we're getting close to the show. He gives our writer, Michael Gordon, a police escort back to 30 Rock for editing. Literally, our van had a police escort back to 30 Rock. He was a fan. He just, it was a hard ask. Like, what do you guys, you want to show? Yeah, yeah. And then all of a sudden, it's just like, next time, just ask.

He's also available for extra work. And maybe it never aired. If you never saw it, maybe it never aired. No, no, no. It totally aired. Okay, good. Okay. I just, until. But that would have been one that I would have, okay, not airing. Yeah. It was it never aired. If you never saw it, maybe it never aired. No, no, no. Totally. Okay, good. Okay. I just had until.

But that would have been one that I would have, okay, not airing. Yeah. It was fun to have. Yeah. Like the actor in the unitard was petrified.

Yes. He's like, I'm going to go to jail in a unitard. Like it was petrified. You just see the unitard start to fill with pee. Yeah.

Oh. Well, there's a toilet there. That's true. And your cops are very helpful with shooting stuff oh yeah it was so different like we had

Triumph was doing a Wall Street remote and we had a giant wait this is Occupy yeah Occupy Wall Street and he had a 25 foot tall

inflatable Triumph and we wanted to have it hump the Wall Street Bull at the bottom of Broadway and it was Sunday morning at 8 a.m

and we were trying to robert and i were trying to talk to the cops and let us do it and they're like they kept passing the buck so we we had to you were with us right yeah we had to go up to headquarters and ask for the certain desk sergeant he's just like oh okay just do it in five minutes right exactly and two blocks away, they were filming the big climactic for Batman? Batman. The Bane fight scene was happening two blocks away on Wall Street.

Well, we're quickly trying to hump the bull. Anyway, thank you for coming by. This was really fun. Yeah, Chills, I look forward to our next travels together. Yes, me too. And watch, Australia will have aired at this point. It will, but people can still watch it. Over and over again.

It's online. Thank you to our Australia crew. Teamcoco.com backslash Australia. And our Australia crew, they were awesome. Amy King and Rose Valentine. Rose Valentine. The rest of the gang, all were great. They were incredible.

Yeah, it was a good group. Good day, you guys. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Hey. Learned a lot down there. Thanks, Chills. Alrighty, okay. Yeah, you learned a lot down there. Thanks, Jules.

All righty, bye. Here's Jordan Schlansky. He just started talking. We hadn't even started recording, but he just started talking. We had to rush to turn the machinery on because he was off to the races. And for some reason,

it reminded me of a conversation that I had with another former writer from years ago, Dan Gore. I don't remember Dan Gore's, he's gone on to great fame and fortune. You know many of his credits. He created, co-created. He and I had an interesting conversation

on an airplane back from Las Vegas about the feeling of having to urinate. Okay. If you have to urinate very badly, you feel pain and you feel pressure. Okay. The question arose, when you finally urinate, when does the relief of the pain kick in? Does the relief kick in as soon as you start urinating, at the end of the urination process, or at some point in the middle of the urination process? And he came up with an answer that I can't help but to agree with. He felt- How long was the flight? He felt that the relief from having to urinate badly comes in at a certain percentage of maximum capacity of the bladder.

That is to say, if a bladder can hold four liters, maybe at 75% of maximum, you feel the relief. So when you're down to three liters, you feel the relief. Four liters? What are you, an elephant? That's a lot of urine. And that stuck with you, that answer. Wow. Yeah.

Really. A percentage of maximum. Well, because we live it quite frequently. I have no idea what you're talking about. We live that situation frequently, and I find myself testing it time and time again. Sure. When does the relief come? It doesn't come, the mental relief comes immediately.

Right. Because there's a mental, there's a feeling of panic. Am I going to make it? Am I going to make it to a restroom? You're driving. Let's say you're driving. One of the worst we've all been in that situation. Sure.

There's the mental relief happens right away. I made it. I'm safe. But the physical pain is still there until you've reached a given percentage of maximum. We don't know what the percentage is. No one claims to know what the percentage is. We just understood that it was a percentage of maximum. How did you read our minds about what we wanted to talk about today?

When urinating becomes less painful. Well, that's great. Yeah. Well, cool. So Jordan, you've been listening to the podcast. I have. Yeah. I just listened to Andy Richter today. I loved it. Oh, great. Yeah. I was going to ask if you have any- I bet you did. I feel like he had a lot to say he had a lot he did a lot to get off his chest unsolicited yes which is i'm gonna guess a great guest i felt like no one had he's never been able to talk about the show until he showed up he was like ready to burst he was ready to go ready to go he was to capacity of his uh emotional bladder he actually said he had an intense therapy session that morning.

And it was kind of that could almost like continued outpouring from that. And he didn't experience relief until it was empty. That's right. So now I heard, Chalemi told me, Jason Chalemi, who was just on the show, told me that you thought we weren't doing a podcast, that we were actually going to shoot a remote. We were going to spring something on you. We were trapping you. Okay, well, there were a couple of steps. And if you didn't intend this to come about in a very unusual and questionable way, you sure did a good job unintentionally. I simply emailed you and said, would you do the podcast? You told me yesterday

that this was a travel show meeting. Okay. A meeting signifies that there will be no recording devices, audiovisual recording devices present. That's what you said yesterday. I didn't say that. I said we were doing a podcast. You never did. You never did.

And in fact, today you sent an email saying as much of the same that we wanted. Can I stick around for a meeting about travel shows? It does sound mysterious. And I assumed it was a meeting at the same time. Did he tell you to come camera ready? Well, it sounded fishy because you allotted one hour for this meeting about travel shows. And that's a lot of time to spend talking about travel shows. This is mad. Coupled with the fact that there was a remote shoot in Conan's office after the show

that was being set up for all day. What is your email to me today? Now, again- So did you think that we were going to bring you into Conan's office for the way that we did with Italy, where he sprung, he did actually surprise you with the trip to Italy. That's the thing.

He sprung that on you. There is some precedent. We have sprung remotes on you before. Well, I think there is a general feeling amongst you guys that I do better when I don't have prior knowledge. Yet I feel as if I've proven that wrong time and time again. Right. There have been maybe two remotes that would have required that I didn't know about them in advance based on the premise. But most of the other ones I certainly could have known about in advance.

The Italy trip, of course, I didn't have much notice that we were going, but clearly I got on an airplane. I went through airport security. I knew that the shoot was coming. I don't know if you feel that adversely affected anything. You know what it was? It was when we were in Dallas and we went shopping for cowboy stuff. Oh, I was there.

Yeah, and you just started spouting off about the history. John Stetson coming from Philadelphia. And I felt like you had done a lot of research. Had Wikipedia at it. Yeah. Do you want me to give you the same facts now or do you assume that I've done the same research for this?

We've had this discussion. You claim that that was all your fingertips. And then you took us to Hard Eight Barbecue in Stephenville, Texas. And as we rounded the corner and saw the barbecue joint, Conan started singing Kenny Rogers' Lucille. Wow. Yeah. I can't verify that because I don't remember. I don't remember that either.

Jesse liked the fact that the hat blew off my head when I was walking down the street. I remember that. I did. Like, I thought that it was a nice touch. We did a couple of B-roll shots of you just walking along the freeway. And I liked the one where your hat blew off. I did. Very artistic.

It was more somber. Yeah. I remember Andre Dubuchet was there. Yes. Now, was Jesse and Andre the only riders besides yourself? Now, I'm trying to remember. I think so. I think so.

Yeah. And I had just gotten hired. It was a couple months. I remember that. Yeah. And I remember that because I learned a lot about you in the car ride to the location. It was, I think it was Mike Sweeney, Jesse, myself, and Conan. I think that was the car that we were in.

And Conan was asking you a lot of questions because you were new and kind of getting to know everyone. Yeah, well, that's nice. I don't know what this has to do with you preparing. Well, yeah, I think so. What Sweeney's saying is that we don't want it to look as though you have, because people often ask, you know, does Jordan really know all these facts about such a variety of random subjects? And we don't want people to think that we've set it up. Sure. That it's fake.

And that's why the element of surprise. So it's funny, I get this question a lot from people outside of the show, but apparently I'm getting it from someone at the heart of the show. Yeah. You felt that the cowboy remote we did was scripted on my part, even though it was not scripted officially. That was the worry. Yeah, that was... That was a worry after the fact.

Once it had been shot, you said, oh my God, Jordan clearly came up with a script and was reading off the script. Understanding that I didn't even know what was going to happen. Yeah. I do want to know how Sweeney presented this podcast. Yeah, so do I. I know I said. It seems pretty straightforward.

I saw in the kitchen yesterday. I said, we're doing the podcast tomorrow. Can you drop by? No, you said, are you available tomorrow for a meeting about travel shows? And I'm going to say that I don't mind. I am happy to walk in here and say, okay, I guess I'm recording a podcast right now. You told me-

Did you pick that shirt specifically thinking you might be on camera? I did not. I did not. First of all- It's a good shirt. I'm just saying. It's a nice shirt.

Thank you for that. It's a James Peirce shirt, 100% cotton. Yeah, they make really good shirts. Yeah. Now I'm going to tell you that when you told me even 10 minutes ago, come on down, I went down to Conan's office. Because you didn't specify where down was. And then after I went to Conan's office and saw no one there, I went up to your office. And I said, well, I guess he meant up.

Because you're one floor above me. But in fact, you did mean come on down to the podcast studio. I'm sorry. I'm not listening to the podcast studio. I'm sorry. I'm not listening to any of this. I'm just looking for the email. You're just looking for the email you sent. Instead, it's all emails about the standards rules for bleeping the word fuck, which is something we want to talk about. Okay.

We agree to disagree. I'm pretty positive. I told you, please come by and do our podcast. Would you like me to find the email? Yeah, find the email. Because you clearly get more emails than do our podcast. Would you like me to find the email? Because you clearly get more emails than the average person. So, you can't even locate one. So, again, this is now coming on the heels of a conversation yesterday where you clearly said, without any doubt, are you available for a meeting about travel shows?

Here we go. What's it say? Okay. First of all, you have a habit. Yeah. Which I'm not the only one on staff that's annoyed at this habit. I don't know if anyone else has had the guts to tell you before. You send an email with the text in the subject line and nothing in the body of the email. Now, I can accept a blank subject line and text in the body of the email. And of course, I can accept a subject line with text and the body with text.. And of course, I can accept a subject line with text

and the body with text. But a lot of times I don't read the subject line and I find that your technique is confusing. So again, on the heels of a conversation yesterday where you said you're available for a meeting about travel shows, you sent me an email today, no text in the body, just the classic Sweeney move, subject line filled out. I'm saving you. Right, you're saving me. Thank you for that. You don't have to open the email.

Would you be available? Because you're a busy guy. Would you be available to talk travel shows tonight between 5.30 and 6.30? All right. I see. So that's ambiguous enough that given our previous conversation, I had no reason to doubt that this was simply a meeting. And I visualized it because I do visualize my outcome in life. And I had a vision of what would happen today. And I visualized yourself,

Jose Arroyo, me and you, possibly Conan, possibly Jeff Ross in an office. I guess I envision Jeff Ross's office, his plush couch, talking about travel shows. Now I'm sitting here with a pair of headphones and a microphone in front of me. And you know what? It's equally fine for me. I'll talk about travel shows in this setting. But you're conflating that email was a follow-up to my verbal invitation to do the podcast. I don't know if there's security footage that records audio,

but the only way clearly to determine who's right here is by looking at that. I just wrote the Warner Brothers security where they're looking for the footage. Well, we're out of time. No! Thank you, guys. Hey, I heard Andy's. And I feel like I'm at least the same stature of Andy. Sure.

So I expect the same one hour and nine minutes. That was just a joke. Where in your, you know, in this sort of pre-vision that you had, where did you see us going on our next travel show with you? Well, you know, I've heard chatter. Yeah. Look, we say the same language that maybe the Department of Defense uses. We've heard chatter. Okay.

Okay. And I've heard chatter of places like Iceland. Mm-hmm. Iceland is a place I've been. Is that somewhere you'd like to go? Well, it's a place I've been in 2006, and it is a place I'd like to go again. I'm only speaking in my personal life. And if you asked me on this show, where do I want to go professionally, I can only answer the places I want to go personally.

Do you understand? The answers are the same to me. If the choice were up to me, I would pick a location that I enjoy in the hopes that my enjoyment might lead to some material that might be viable to use on air. All right. So where do you want to go? Well, you know, typically I've always been attracted to Europe. And, you know, I always have the question, do I want to go someplace that I know I like or do I want to go someplace that I haven't been just to be able to add another country to my checklist? And I spent a lot of time exploring countries just for the sake of doing something new.

And now as I get older, I realize that I'd like going back to places that I know will be comfortable for me and I know will be fulfilling for me. I'd love to go to Iceland. I'd love to go to Iceland with this crew because, again, another difference in traveling with the show. It is free. And we eat at some good restaurants. Which, from what I hear from the trips that I haven't been on, is that restaurants are almost an afterthought, which to me is a shame. Because certainly, if I'm involved and I have any say in the matter, and all else is equal, I may pick a restaurant that we might enjoy. You know, that's what we did in Italy.

And even in Japan, we had some fantastic. Yes. In fact, you, Mike Sweeney, you, Jesse Gaskell, myself and Conan went to eat sushi one night. And if you remember, I was the tester. Yeah, I was the tester. So, you know, a lot of sushi in Tokyo is different than the sushi in the U.S. in that it's really all omakase. It's made of fish. Not only fish, by the way, but made of omakase. It's made of fish. Not only fish, by the way. But made of – domikase, you sit at the bar and you take what the chef gives you.

And there's a number of courses, let's say 15 dishes put in front of you. And you eat it without question. And, of course, if you were to question it, it might be considered insulting to the honorable chef. As you know, honor is a very important concept in Japanese culture. And so the chef would put each dish in front of us. We didn't necessarily know what it was. And I was designated the taster. And I not only had to determine whether I enjoyed it, but I had a guess as to whether each one of you three would enjoy it.

And Conan seemed to be the pickiest in the bunch. And furthermore, the- I think you're tasting for Conan. The added, fair enough. But I feel like you all looked at me after each bite. The caveat to all of this- That's egomania. Okay. The amount the chef gives you is really the perfect amount. You leave feeling satisfied, but not weighed down. The problem is if I tasted something that I knew that Conan would not like, for fear of offending the chef, I had to eat it.

He was sitting directly to my right. So he would pass me, I think, the skate, you know, things like that. And then there was one that I was unsure about, and he ate it. He didn't like it. He felt it was a little too chewy. I forgot which one. And I felt like I didn't live that down. He kept on remarking how I gave him some bad advice. But, yes, so I ended up eating double for a lot of the dishes.

Wow. Well, it's true. We were just in Australia. We didn't really eat at any good restaurants. We didn't do a great job. Yeah. Well, part of that was because, I mean, a lot of it is the shooting schedule because as you know, some days are crazy and you're shooting all day and then you get like whatever

sandwich is sort of shoved in your face and then you end up just eating something on the way home to the hotel. Yeah. And then we have to get up early the next day and it's late and we just kind of eat olives. But we could probably do a better job of looking into local cuisine. Yes, we could. In fact, I think it's ridiculous that I had the success I had in being able to go to these restaurants. I can't believe, given the crazy schedule we had, and especially in Italy, that we took time, serious time, to set aside for these grandiose dinners that we had. I don't know how I got away with that. I think part of that was because the whole premise of the Italy show was eating. Yeah, it was a lot of eating and you kind of taking Conan

to some spots that were special to you. Eating and drinking. Right. So that was kind of the theme. Which was not the theme in Australia. It was not. But you came up. Because, yeah, we were just talking to Tulemi. You had a cameo in the Australia show. I don't know if you knew that. Well, we had these cardboard cutouts of you and we weren't sure

we had a lot of ideas for how they might be used. We thought maybe they would be demolished by ants out in the wilderness. Or fed to a great white shark. Or fed to a great white, covered in chum and fed to a shark. Both of those were problematic from a PETA standpoint, I think. But we ended up, we had these, we would lug them all around. So they weren't problematic in that they showed a violent depiction of my death.

That was fine. They were problematic in that they might make the great white shark sick. Yes. That's what Jesse just said. I'm just clarifying that I'm understanding that correctly. But so we did lug these. We had three cardboard cutouts of you that were in the back of the van for most of the trip. And then finally we did this live show and Conan brought one up on stage to give out to an audience member and a woman who was, I mean, I think she was pretty drunk. She was very drunk.

But she was very enthusiastic about getting your cardboard cutout and ended up making out with it on stage. Yes. In front of thousands of people. In front of the whole crowd. Yeah. So you do have some fans in Australia if you ever decide to go. Thank you for that. You expected the cutout to suffer a gruesome death.

Instead, the cutout got to make out with an intoxicated Australian woman. Yes. And the cutout wasn't very forthcoming, which I think it made it more real for her. Yes. Which is really with you. We don't know that she knew it was a cutout. One last thing I've got to ask you. I forgot.

Quickly, speaking of Australia, people really, fans love to know what you do. On the show, yeah. On the show. Day-to-day job. And here's an email I printed out. Okay. You deal with standards. Correct.

The email better not be in the subject line. Okay, good. Why did you print this email on hold paper? Why not? That, to me, is aesthetically displeasing. No, no, no. That's not... The printer has many paper trees.

We have nice... Our third floor printers all have this paper. Because you typically put things in binders? Because of the script, it gets printed. Okay, because... So it's all three hole. I'm happy to read off this. Second floor, no holes. You guys don't ever Because of the script, it gets printed. So it's all three-hole. I'm happy to read off this. Second floor, no holes.

You guys don't ever care about the script. I'm going to acknowledge that this is aesthetically displeasing. There are three holes, some of them through the print on the page. And I just don't see the justification for it. I wish I had filled them in. That's fine. They're not obscuring any of the words. Yes, I know this email well.

I sent it to you. What can I answer about this email? Well, so you just send these emails listing all the words that have to be obliterated. And is this a record for the word fuck on a show? This is like, how many of them? I don't know that anyone keeps those statistics, but this is a lot. This is like, how many of them? I don't know that anyone keeps those statistics, but this is a lot. Yeah.

And I mean, that should tell you more than it tells me. How do you feel about the fact that, you know, you, you produce this show, this particular episode, you directed this particular episode, you are at the helm of this particular episode.

And what have you turned out? These are all aspersions. What have you turned out is the possible record for the amount of profanity used ever. I'm proud of that. In 25 years on one of our TV programs. I'm really proud. This is fantastic work. Does that thought cross your mind when you see this?

Or are you only looking at the task at hand? Not at all. You're not questioning, is the show devolving into something dirtier than it needs to be? Is it gratuitous at this point? No, actually, because these are all about Aussie slang. And Conan was learning Aussie slang. A lot of them were. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, what are the words that need to be bleeped officially? Well, there are some that are obvious. Right. Certainly, right. But what interests me- What are they? The ones that are obvious. Right. Certainly, right. But what interests me. What are they? The ones that are obvious. People want to know.

Well, you know, I don't like to use gratuitous profanity, but there are certainly some harsh words in the English language. What can you say? The F word? Yeah, the F word is obvious. Okay. But I'm going to tell you, I'm going to diverge for a second and tell you that Matt O'Brien, the head writer of the show, one time asked me if I could fight and negotiate to be able to keep the F word in a show. I told him what I thought was obvious at the end of the show. I said, okay, such and such needs to be bleeped.

And it was the F word. And he said, can we go back and fight for it? Yeah. He legitimately thought that we might be able to say the F word on TV. We have a TV 14 rating. He clearly, because we've made strides, I mean, back in the nineties,

you couldn't say a shit. And now you can say it a certain, a certain number of times because he got cocky. We only get a certain number of shits, which is strange. So you actually get to cherry pick quota. Yeah. How many?

Well, you see, you can focus on the micro and you can focus on the macro. So the micro, you don't know the answer. So what I'm telling you, what I'm telling you is the macro, you're looking at the whole show and you're saying, what kind of show is this?

Each moment in the show adds up to produce a whole, which is greater than the sum of its parts. Now I have a piece of paper that has probably 25 words that need to be bleeped. So when I look at the macro version of the show, what kind of show is this? It's a profane show. So, yeah, shit, if you say it once, it still could be a sophisticated show where someone said shit. And that punctuation

has such effect because the rest of the show is so otherwise demure. Now you're looking at a show that has 25 pieces of profanity. Now the entire show has become a profane show. So it makes sense to me that the rules imposed on us are that we can only say a certain amount of shits because once it gets to a threshold to answer your question, the threshold is three. Okay. After three,

the show becomes profane. How did you decide on the shits that could stay and the shits that had to go? You have to budget. Okay. You have to budget. Now, first of all, you don't want to take a given act and bleep some of them within that act and leave other ones unbleeped.

It looks inconsistent. That would be insane. It detracts from the comedy. So, yeah, all these shits are in the same act. Yeah. It looks like. And this one was valuable to the comedy. This was in act one, the ones that we kept.

Yeah. Who decides that? Well, I'm involved in that decision. Who do you get these bleeping orders from? Well, the network that broadcasts our show in the United States is TBS. They're located in Atlanta, Georgia. They watch a feed of our show. Right.

And they're the ones that give me these notes. All right. Interesting. And then can you, at the bottom, it says, Dix is okay. Jesus is okay. Right. And what context would Jesus not be okay? Well, there was a time where we could not use that context other than to refer to Jesus Christ, the historical or religious figure.

Used as an exclamation, it was never allowed. It was considered to be too offensive. This is back in the 90s. I would say even into the 2000s. It's a relatively new development that it's no longer considered as offensive to the mass population, though, of course, some people would still be offended by it.

Another concept that has a similar arc is the middle finger. You never used to be able to show a middle finger without it being blurred. Now the middle finger is fine to show. We also had a middle finger on our Australia show. That's true. We really covered all the bases.

The most profane show that has ever been aired. I'm surprised there wasn't full frontal nudity. That'll be the next travel show. And dicks is the same situation as well. It used to never be allowed, again, back when we started. And now it generally is allowed other than when it's used in an overtly sexual context. Context is always taken into account. It's sort of the opposite of Jesus, where if you're calling someone a dick, that's fine.

But if you're referring to a literal dick, that's not okay. That is a very valid observation. Thank you, Jordan. Thanks, Jordan. My pleasure. Thank you. He's gone. Oh, thank God. I'm moist under my armpits. It's very stressful for me when Jordan's here. Oh, thank God. I am moist under my armpits.

It's very stressful for me when Jordan's here. Oh, you too? Yes. Okay. I just don't know where things are going. It feels out of control. I never think it's going to be a big deal. And then I was like, oh, well, it's the third time doing Jordan.

It'll be a piece of cake. And then before I know it, I'm like, wait, I'm on my phone looking up emails. Trying to defend. Oh, my God. Your management style. Yeah. And we've mentioned it, but we're in the process of figuring out where we're going to go next. Yes.

With Conan Without Borders. We thought we'd throw it out to you, the listeners. Yeah. For some suggestions of places to go. Yeah. You guys call us and tell us where to go next. Yes. Or where not to go next. Yes. Or where not to go next.

Yes, or where not to go. That helps as well. And the number is 323-209-5303. You can email us at InsideConanPod at gmail.com. Yeah, but that was fun. It was great talking to Jason. Great talking to Jordan. And again, watch the Conan in Australia show.

Watch the Australia show. Let us know what you think. Tell us if we were offending you with all our profanity. Oh, it's all bleeped. And check out the entire show. It's on teamcoco.com slash Australia. Australia. Yeah, and we'll talk to you guys next week.

Talk to you next week. We like you!