Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - Jon Glaser

Episode Date: October 11, 2019

The hilarious Jon Glaser (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, Hustlers, Delocated) was a writer on Late Night with Conan O’Brien for 5 years. Jon joins Conan writers Mike and Jessie to talk about the Bill Clinton puppet, Segue Sam, the origins of Delocated, eating a sandwich in a scene with Jennifer Lopez in the movie Hustlers, and more.Check out Conan Without Borders: Greenland: https://teamcoco.com/greenlandCheck out Conan25: The Remotes: https://conan25.teamcoco.com/Got a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone] and e-mail us at [e-mail] For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com

And now, it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Hi. Hi there. Welcome back. Welcome back. I'm Mike Sweeney. I'm Jesse Gaskell. And we're writers on The Conan Show, and welcome to Inside Conan, where we talk about

behind the scenes of Conan. Through the years, through the decades. Yes. What a storied career. It really is historic. And today we're starting with someone who started on the show in 1998. Yeah. And worked five years on the show.

And he's one of our more famous alums. He is. John Glazer. John Glazer. J-O-N, not J-O-H-N. Yes. He wanted us to tell you that. Exactly. Please do not misspell his name.

A very funny guy and a very, he always has his own unique. Really good performer. Great performer and a very unique, his own point of view for comedy. Yeah. That is part of everything he does. It's unmistakable. And we're excited to have for comedy. Yeah. That is part of everything he does. It's unmistakable. And we're excited to have him here. Yeah.

And I think he's excited to be here. Oh, my God. Even if he doesn't sound it. For John, he is through the roof excited. So, yeah. So, it's a long interview. So, we can shut up now. We're going to be quiet.

And here's John. Here's John. You want to make sure, you're, you hit your target. Yeah. No glancing blows. There should be a podcast. Maybe I'll just copyright it right now called Burning Bridges. Yeah. Yeah. You just go on and you just cut loose.

I love it. And you wonder if the person's going to listen to it or not. I mean, those exist, but you have to run into them accidentally. Right. But to have it be in one place. Oh, I would listen to that. That would be very, yeah. Bridge burners.

It might only be a season of it, but that's enough. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think so. You'd have enough people who are like, fuck it. Right. And then the spinoff would be Bridge Burner Apologies. Bridge Builders. Right. Exactly. Whereff would be Bridgeburner Apologies.

Bridge Builders. Right, exactly, where they tried. Bridge Repairers. Where you say, I was in a bad place. I need to come clean. It's not. And then you get the follow-up. You know what?

Fuck it. Yeah, no. I was right the first time. It's called Doubling Down on Bridgeburn. And I hope they've been rolling on this. Yeah, man. this is just right. Let's introduce our guest. He's smart. He knows what he's doing.

Yeah. That's when people say the stuff that they really mean is at the very beginning. Exactly. That's why we've been recording you since you started making tea outside in the room. We're pretty much done. Good. So, yeah, welcome to the podcast, John Glazer. Yes.

Hello, John. It's great to see you again. This is great to see you as well. Old friend. Yeah. Yes. How long has it been since you two saw each other last? We had two a year ago.

Maybe a year ago. We had dinner. Oh, right. Somewhere. That was last October. Wow. Yeah. Yes. Oh, wow. So. That was last October. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's, yeah. Since then, right? You're on an annual. No. Maybe not. No, maybe not. I think that was it. Okay.

So as you can see, we're both very excited and have a lot to catch up on. It's a lot of texting. Not a lot. Yeah. A little bit. Paramount. A lot of my friendships are just texting now. Yeah.

I think everyone's, yeah, gotten really lazy. Yeah. Very few phone calls. Mm-mm. Trying to get back into that, though. Just. Yeah. Making real phone calls.

Yeah. Mm-mm. Like in the middle of texting, and it's just a quick conversation. Do people freak out? What are you doing? Why are you telling me? No, we'll text. Like, let's just get on the phone.

What are we doing? Mm-mm. It's a mutual thing. No one answers the phone, though. What are you doing? Why are you telling me? No, we'll text. Like, let's just get on the phone. What are we doing? It's a mutual thing. No one answers the phone, though. So do you leave? I don't even like, I don't leave voice messages because I feel it's just annoying. You don't like having evidence. Exactly.

But it's also annoying. It's just annoying. Yeah. It's just too easy to just hang up. So I don't think that phone thing's going to work. Or maybe just for me. It's not going to last. No one, they see my name and they don't pick up.

Well, you can't do bits they don't pick up. Well, you can't do bits anymore. Like you can't, hey, how you doing? Right. Because you know who's calling, caller ID,

text, but you can do text bits anyway. Yes. We do text bits. We don't have, we don't ever have real conversations. Do you guys use GIFs in your texts? No.

How's your GIF game? I try not, you know. Mine's terrible. It's fun. It's all so dumb, but that's what makes it fun. Right. I always talk about, like, you get a plan that has bit minutes.

Right. But everything's unlimited now, so it doesn't matter. Not cricket wireless. That's not unlimited. Oh, it's not? No. I think that's just, like, you give them whatever cash is in your pocket and you get a few texts. That seems fair.

I got my first chain text that I think I've ever gotten. It was like, send this to 10 people or you'll have a bad sex life. Oh, that's a bad. It was pretty fun to get one. I would have thrown my phone right in the garbage right there. Just a violin. So what'd you do? I sent it was group text. I would have thrown my phone right in the garbage right there. Just a violin. So what'd you do? I sent it to 10 people.

All right, good. I don't want a bad love life. Oh, well, yeah. I didn't know what it was about. I thought it was about becoming rich and making a long movie. But love's more important. Hello, John. Hi, John.

Hi, John. Welcome to LA. Yeah. Thank you. You still live in Brooklyn, New York. Very cool. Isn't that cool? Yeah. It. Welcome to LA. Yeah. Thank you. Still live in Brooklyn, New York. Mm-hmm. Very cool. Isn't that cool?

Yeah. It's up and coming. I've been here for a little bit. Yeah. Been there a while. How often do you guys do this? Once a week? Oh, I see.

That's it? Uh-huh. Just turning the tables. Once a week. Okay. Do we seem like we're better at it than that? I'm just curious. Or does it seem once a year, maybe?

I'm just curious about like podcasts. When we get together. Everyone's got a podcast. Right. There's so many. There are. There are many. Really a lot. Isn does it seem once a year, maybe? I'm just curious about, like, podcasts. When we get together. Everyone's got a podcast. There's so many. There are. There are many. Really a lot. Isn't it just the worst?

Yeah. And this isn't even our- The word podcast is awful. It's not- Someone didn't think that would catch on. Yeah. I was like, podcast. And now it's the only term used.

Do you guys like doing it? Is it fun? We do. And we also have a true crime podcast. We have a whole. That's also COVID related. Oh, yeah. That sounds fun.

We should do one. Just about petty crimes in the office. And then bridge burners. Low stakes. Bridge burners. You were just saying the bridge burners idea. Well, that one's mine. Yes.

Would you like to burn a bridge right now? Or you want to save it for your podcast? This could be the pilot. This could be the pilot for your show, Bridge Burners. Well, we'll find out at the end if we burned any bridges. Maybe that's the angle. At the end, did we burn any bridges today? Oh, that's good.

Oh, maybe we did. Or ask the listeners to let us know. Got some fun sound effects. Yeah, so have you done a lot of podcasts? I haven't. Yeah. I have a bad attitude about a lot of podcasts? I haven't. Yeah. You're, you're just a bad attitude about them.

You're probably hard to, to reach. You're a hard man to pin down. Well, I'm in New York and Brooklyn. Yeah, exactly. They don't have studios there.

It's like 4 million people. They won't allow that one borough. Just to let listeners know, John's sipping a tea. What kind of tea is that? It said it's an Earl gray, but it said like Earl Grey creme. Oh, boy. Is that like a creamy?

It's yummy. I put some oat milk in it and some honey. Delicious. Welcome to LA. And I've got these strawberry granola minis. Just from what you added to your tea. Yeah. I'm sorry, what else do you have?

Don't worry about it. Okay. Don't worry about it. Okay. Don't worry about it. I do worry. So John was a writer on The Conan Show. Yeah. Among many, many other things. But what was the, what years were you there?

Early 2000s? April 98 to April 2003. Wow. Five years, as I was saying in the kitchen, when I was getting my teeth. Five years almost to the day. Wow. Is that one of the longer jobs that you've had?

I think so. So that you felt the itch at five years and you were ready to move on? I think I felt the itch. You felt the itch before five years. Probably 99. Yeah. Maybe 2000. You were itchy. You felt the itch. Before five years. Probably 99. Yeah. Maybe 2000.

You were itchy. You were allergic right away. Yeah. I wouldn't say right away. Seasonally, I know. I think maybe a year and a half or so, I was like feeling the itch. And then I did one of those. I remember hearing that some of the writers had done sabbaticals.

I'm like, oh, that sounds nice. Right. Maybe that's what I need. Right. And I sandwiched one between two weeks off. So I had a really nice long chunk. And I was like, that was pretty decent. But I don't know.

Am I recharged? I can't tell. And then 9-11 happened. I was like, oh, I think that's a weird time to just leave a job. Oh, yeah. We always come to 9-11 on this podcast. It comes up a lot. It does come up a lot.

It comes up a lot. It does come up a lot. It comes up a lot. And I think everyone re-evaluated what they were doing after 9-11. Sure. Yeah. It was at the Conan O'Brien show. That's right. You had Safe Harbor. Well, I just watched a sketch that you did the voice for, John, where you voiced a Bill Clinton puppet. A very bad

clinton puppet uh behind that was there was a puppet in the writer's room that you know people send in like companies that are trying to sell gag stuff it's like send it to a comedy show and maybe fart underwear right yeah exactly so this puppet had been around, I think, a year or so. And it was this cheesy rubber hand puppet of Bill Clinton with his arm around a blonde. Two babes. Yeah. And we would just, you know, like at 10 o'clock at night, take a Bill Clinton puppet break. And you, John Glazer, started doing, hey, like you were doing a parody.

Of a Bill Clinton impression? It was a deliberately bad Bill Clinton impression. Like with his catchphrase was just like, oh, I think like, oh my, or something like that. Hey girls, I can't remember. Yeah, it was just like, hey girls. And oh my, oh my. And that was the whole, but it was. Well, and the reason I brought it up is because I noticed the date on it was October of 2011.

So, or sorry, of 2001. Okay. So, it was the month after September 11th. Yes, yes. And I was. Let's come back. Let's come back with this. That's what I loved about it.

Wow. Was you guys didn't change your comedy. Oh, man. Well. In the post 9-11 era. Oh, man. didn't change your comedy in the post 9-11 era oh man after 9-11 everyone all late night shows went off the air

for a couple weeks and then Letterman came back first and then everyone came back and gave their 9-11 commentary but then also it was super very ginger everyone stepped very gingerly with what comedy they would do.

And yeah, I think that's where Bill Clinton puppet comes in. Well, you know, in a way I think, well, I remember for me, I mean,

we can, we don't have to go down a nine 11 tangent, but I guess we did. And we're there, but sure. Cause I remember being pretty conflicted. Like, remember when we went back,

I'm like, it's been a week. Why are we back here? Right. And- I felt like it was 10 days. It was longer than it was. Was it?

I thought it was a week, but maybe it was. Yeah. And I just felt like, why are we here? This just seems stupid. Right. And then, do you remember there was an actor, Chris Edwards. We used him as a cop a lot. Yes.

Real New Yorkie guy, mustache. Right. And I think he- And a real cop? I think we- He was a firefighter. Right. And I think he- And a real cop? I think we- He was a firefighter. Okay. And he had a cop uniform.

He had a cop uniform. So that's why we- Because it would be like a 10 to 2, oh, shoot, we need a cop in 15 minutes. Yeah. We used him a lot. And so he became friendly with a lot of people. Right. And I remember he, you know, and he was down there at Ground Zero helping. Right. You know, he had a bad knee and just, he was there and he was down there at ground zero

helping and you know he had a bad knee and just he was there every day I think just because I think he was a firefighter and retired when he hurt his knee

and then got into acting right and so it's a classic Hollywood story it's a classic New York civil service story but he was you know

great guy we all really loved him and used him a lot and then he came by they were going to all these funerals of these firefighters and I remember him But he was a great guy. We all really loved him and used him a lot. And then he came by. They were going to all these funerals, all these firefighters. And I remember him and one of his friends. And they came by.

And they're in their dress uniforms. They've been at, what was the church near 30 Rock? Was it St. Patrick's? St. Patrick's Cathedral. St. Patrick's Cathedral. Right. And I remember just those two guys came up. And the whole crew gathered in the middle of of the i think we had those new offices maybe right they were just telling stories about how they would go down there and they would just

be there all day at ground zero right digging up bodies and then they would come back and watch the show just to like have a break right and i know that that made me feel better about going back to work and just i'm like all right so this stupid stuff we're doing like a puppet serves a purpose and it just allows people to kind of – Think about something else. Yeah, especially after that. So that made me feel better for sure. Yeah.

No, it definitely – And then, oh, speaking of the office after 9-11, it was maybe three weeks afterwards. We're all sitting there, and my sister called me. I think you guys, we were all in the office together, and my sister called me. I think you guys, we were all in the office together and my sister called. She goes, are you in the, do you work at the NBC building? I'm like, yes.

And she goes, I just heard on the radio there's anthrax in your building. Oh my God. And I was like, what? And somehow it leaked to the news before they told us in the building. And just then like Conan came in and Jeff Ross, the executive producer, came in and said, oh, we're supposed to watch the feed. And it was, I think, Andy Lack, the head of NBC News, is like, there's anthrax on the third floor.

Don't worry. It's not, it's the kind that you have to, you know, touch it to get it. So, it's the kind that you have to touch to get it. So it's not airborne. So no panicking if you're not on the third floor. But if you are on the third floor, go ahead and panic. Yeah, you're fucked. Yeah, for sure panic. Third floor, different story.

And a lot of people, it's funny, it's interesting how people reacted to that news. Some people literally, without saying anything, left. Other people, you know, like we're taking Cipro for a month after that. And other people are like, yes, it's anthrax. Some people went to the third floor. Yeah. Show it to me. Yeah, right.

Exactly. I'm not afraid. Let's see the envelope. What does it taste like? But that was, do you remember that? That was crazy. I remember that. That freaked me out. Yeah. I remember. I'm sure I had Let's see the envelope. What does it taste like? But that was, do you remember that? That was crazy. I remember that. That freaked me out. Yeah.

I remember, I'm sure I had like dust on my, I think I had some kind of dust on my keyboard. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Is this it? You know, I was like freaking out. I freaked out all over the place. It was powdered sugar from a donut. Yes.

It really freaked me out. Well, do you remember I buzzed my hair? You shaved your head. Yeah. I had this crazy reaction where I just, because I had no hair for long. I had a buzzed head for years. And I finally grew it out. And I was like, oh, I've got my curly hair again.

And I'm trying different products. What's going to make it the curliest? And I was really in this mode of having big curly hair and spending all this time putting shit in it and getting it to look just blah blah blah it was pretty gigantic and then just that day I'm like I can't wake up tomorrow

and give a shit I really had a weird freak out and I I actually owned a Clippers and Ruth our writer's assistant

lived close to me and I called her and I went over because we're just watching the news and I brought my Clippers with me and I went in her bathroom and just buzzed it.

This was on September 11th. Yes. All right. Extreme reactions. Yeah. It's dramatic. Your reaction when you saw that news was to grab your razor. It really was.

I really was like, I can't give a shit about my looks. Yeah. I'm going to enlist. Who cares? Right, man. It really was. Yeah, it was cuckoo. Yeah. Well. But I was actually, I saw about my looks. Yeah. I'm going to enlist. Who cares? Right, man. Yeah, it was cuckoo. Yeah.

Well. But I was actually, I saw Dorf the other night. Kevin Dorf, yeah. And Cecilia Pliva. Oh, and yeah, she was our casting director on the show at the time. And he was talking about. And Kevin was a writer. Yeah.

Yeah. And he was what? I think we were talking about that and I was telling that story or reminiscing about it. And he read somebody, like talking to veterans, people in extreme stressful situations. You just have these odd reactions. Yeah, sure. That was mine. And then it was to pick up that Clinton puppet.

And then it was, what can I do? And then a nation was healed. Yes. I remember we had to talk Conan into that a bit because there wasn't, like, the joke was it was bad. Like, he hates comedy or he tends to not enjoy comedy that is making fun of comedy. Yeah. And bad on purpose. His argument is, oh, well, then it's just bad. Do we have to tell him it's bad on purpose?

No, well, but he can sniff it out. Right, right. So, you know, I think this was a night. But, you know, like the writers, we were all just crying. And we were crying during rehearsal. We just loved it. And he did it. And it did.

I watched the clip again. Yeah. I haven't watched it since then. I haven't even. And it did great. It did great the same way it did at 10 o'clock. I want to. I hadn't watched it since then. And it did great. It did great the same way it did at 10 o'clock. I barely even remember it now. I'm always amazed at the things that I don't remember.

Yeah, that you were in. Yeah, I was in. You're right. Even just screwing around in the office. Right, but you just- Can I say fucking around? Yeah, you can say fucking around. Ooh, that felt good. Yeah. We said the c word last week we did but even honestly like fucking around the office

with it i vaguely it's kind of starting to come back to right with that puppy yeah hey girls right jesus christ oh wasn't it oh man yeah that was oh yeah that was it oh man Yeah, that was it. Oh, yeah. Oh, that was it. Oh, man. Oh, man. And that was the whole thing. You had two lines. Yeah, he wouldn't even, it's not even a response. Oh, man. Yeah. Jesus. Oh, boy.

You could probably do that for voiceover work now. Sure. Yeah. I'll put it on my voice. Oh, man. Do you have bits that you did that you do remember that were your favorite things that you did? This is what the fans tune into this for. Yeah, man. Yeah.

You know, we don't know what they tune in for. Well, yeah, we don't really know. But I do think that there are serious Conan fans out there. Yes. I would imagine. They like to know. I think they like hearing how sausage, comedy sausage is made.

So they were scrolling. They skipped all the... And they've learned to love 9-11 stories. Because we bludgeoned. Segway Sam. Oh, that's what I wanted. Segway Sam. I watched an old Segway Sam.

I mean, a lot of podcasts do a long monologue at the top of the show about what they ate that week. Our version of that is 9-11 stories. Exactly. That's our way in. Self-indulgent, but we love it. They're like, how are they going to, well, I'm going to say dig out of this one. Oof.

Oof, sorry. Segway Sam. I'm going to topple that last one. Segway Sam was a character he did. Oh, yeah. Segway Sam was a character I did. Conan would go, oh, you know, he'd mention, I don't know, who's on the show the next day.

And then he'd go, oh, Andy, I don't know. I'm supposed to introduce my next guest. I don't know. I just, I'm at a loss for words. I don't know how to switch topics. I can't think of a smooth segue. Right, a smooth transition. And Andy would go, well, you just, you need a visitor.

Like that's never stopped him before. Right, right. That's when the audience knew something was afoot. And Andy'd be like, well, you need a visit from, you know, Segway Sam.

And then- It's an offensive Andy. No, it's deadly accurate. As a matter of fact, if people are listening, Andy's here in the room and just took over the mic. That was Andy Rickard.

Because you didn't do a Conan. You were just talking as yourself as Conan. How do you do and then switched into an Andy yeah very offensive

I don't know how to do a Conan impression yeah me neither yeah I don't know anyone who does a Conan impression no

just Conan there might be a lack of demand for it possibly but there's just you know I have yet to hear one well I'll apologize to hear one.

Well, I'll apologize to Andy the next time I see him. I don't know. I think you owed Andy one because he was hard on you when he came on this podcast. Oh, yeah. Andy's always abusive to me. Really. Yeah. In general. Yeah.

Yeah. It's okay. So, segue Sam. Yeah. So, segue Sam. Segueing back toway Sam. Yeah, so Segway Sam. Segwaying back to Segway Sam. You were in like a silky robe and on a chase lounge, and you would have a butler pull you in. Yeah. And you would supply, you're a very unctuous guy who just provided, like someone would say a word, and you'd come up with an insane Segway.

Yeah, and I remember then there was, then they'd wheel me back out. Right. And they'd get stuck again and I'd come back and be in like some kind of compromising situation. Oh, right. I didn't remember. Maybe. Yeah. That was the twist.

Yes. You'd be back. The one I saw, you came back in. There was, I think it was before we came up with the twist, I guess. You had to advance. you'd be back the one I saw you came back in there was I think it was before we came up with the twist I guess you had to advance it

yeah oh I see I remember we used to always talk a lot about hating all those like comedy terms

like the twist what's the blow yeah oh yeah the reveal those are like sitcom yeah I think

we read an article where it was explaining all the terms they use for shorthand in the sitcom writer's room. We didn't have any of those terms. The twist. The twist. Give it a twist. The blow. And then the clams. The blow.

Clams was a word to describe things. We still use clams. From that article, we adopted clams. Clams are bits that it's like, oh, that'll get a laugh. That'll work. A go-to joke. Like back then it was like Al Roker's, you know, do a joke about his weight problem. There was a different world back then.

Yeah. Where you could, it was like. Too many of those for me. I know. A lot of just bad, fat jokes, gay jokes, just the guns, the worst. But when you say guns. Oh, having guns and bitch. Shitty punchlines, bad jokes, all the like celebrity stuff.

I hated that. Yeah. That was back then we do it like well at least once a week there'd be it was almost like filler stuff like oh yeah it was children's drawings was the recurring bit jesus that's the one i know you hated the book and and big big what you guys didn, I think on my last day. Right. Maybe it was intentional.

They did, or maybe just SAT analogies. Oh. Ended up being on my last day. I was like, fuck these, man. Blankety blank and then a funny rhyme. Oh, God. What the fuck, man. That sounds like a joke suggestion of a desk piece.

SAT analog. Yeah. Oh, man. We sounds like a joke suggestion of a desk piece. SAT and out. Yeah. Oh, man. We did it a lot. Well, I just started writing Gary Busey teeth jokes. Right. That was my response. Gary Busey had two big front choppers.

I just couldn't do them. I wouldn't let it. I remember talking to, oh, what's his name? He was a writer before me, monologue guy, Tom Agna. Tom Agna, who's also a stand-up comic. And he was, you know, he's like, hey, and this is right when I started. Right. And I think he was not there anymore.

He's like, so how do you like it? I'm like, it's great. I love it. I hate all the celebrity-driven stuff. He's like, yeah, that's like trying to just go take a shit when you don't have to. Yes. That's the perfect description. You're sitting on the toilet trying to push out some just piece of shit.

Yeah, because you know you're going to be on a long bus ride. And you can't. But it's not even that. It's just I have to go do this, and I just can't. I can't think of just these shitty, just like the worst jokes. And it would be so mad we would do those. It would be, a lot of times, it would be after dinner. And I'd be like, that's what we're doing the next day.

Yeah. And. Just sit at my computer. I'm like, I can't do these. I don't want to. Well, and you know, it's hard because you know the easy joke that's going to probably get a laugh. But you also know better than doing that. Of course.

So you are torn. But I had fun doing all the Gary Busey just like trying to and I remember there was some kind of board like a fan comment board at the time in the early days of right the internet and all that yeah stack Brian Stack found something where he's like some writer was or someone wrote a comment like you know yeah they're making fun I guess Gary Busey has big teeth or so the writers think like it was some kind of thing where they clearly, I don't think enjoyed it or whatever. That really made me laugh,

but I still like, and some of those got on, I think some of those actually made it, made it in Gary Busey's teeth. Well, yeah, we like, we sort of manufacture our own clams that were then maybe only funny to us.

Like we went through a period where it was all Wilford Brimley. Right. People thinking he was dead and he's not dead. But it's like, is anyone thinking about him? No. But you're going to make them think about it. And then keep. And I think that also bled over from the monologue, which was very news and celebrity driven.

So, jokes that would work in the monologue, then it was like, oh, well we can, you can, you know, go with that premise in other bits. Yeah.

But there was like, when I started working there, the gap between like the shitty stuff and the awesome stuff was so wide. Right. And then just, you know, over the years, it's slowly started to even out and it was never.

The awesome stuff has gone down to meet the shitty stuff is what you're saying. I wouldn't say the awesome stuff went down as much as the shitty stuff came up. Because there was still plenty of fun. Like even when I quit, it was still like a great job. There was so much fun stuff, but it was just, it was starting to run neck and neck and it was never going to go the other way. But it was always going to hover there where I just thought, I know I have to leave before I have children. And I just feel stuck here with this really sweet. Were you married yet?

No. No. No. Although my wife, my now wife, then girlfriend, we moved in together the same week I quit. Oh,

wow. That's massive stress. That is a lot of change all at once. Yeah. That's when I would have shaved my head but was she did you have a job you were going to what's that no so she moved in with you with no job prospects yeah wow oh i had been socking and i'm like i'm putting money away yeah yeah right oh or trying to so you didn't you really didn't know what your next exact step was at the time no that's i just knew i had to leave you had to go well no i did not

have a job but i knew and i've been you know we were joking about it but i really knew i was i did want to eventually go do other things and i wanted to get back into acting and do more performing and that was always kind of a motivating factor as well. Right. It was still hard to leave. I mean, like, you know, there's always times when you know something's the right decision and it doesn't make it easier. Right.

No. And I was just sobbing that day. Oh, you were? Oh, my God. Yeah. Because you had a running joke with me about leaving. You were just. Oh, yeah.

I had. How long ago did I give you? I had a running joke with Mike where I gave him an envelope and I just said, one day, this is my resignation letter. One day I'm going to come in here and I'm going to say, pull it out. Open it. on nights where we're riding children's drawings, you'd, you'd be falling off the couch and I'd make eye contact with you. And you would just point at the drawer. Like, no, I thought it was things where I,

there'd be days where I would walk in and you'd say, is this it? Right. Right. Right. Right. And then that went on for a while. And then when I actually came in and you're like,

you're like, this is it. I'm like, yeah. And you, and you're like, really? Yeah.

And then it was real. Yeah. Yeah. But it was at least a year, maybe two. Yes. It's a very long running. I sat in that. It's a fun running bit.

Yeah. About quitting. Really? Yeah. Just the threat. Burning bridges. Privages. And then, so when did Delocated happen? That was based on a character you did on Late Night.

Yeah, it was pretty, it was very similar. And I'd been doing that character. I did that character, like that was in my submission packet. Oh, wow. That character. And it was, I always really loved. Oh, you had a submission packet. Oh, wow. That character. And it was, I always really loved. Oh, you had a good packet. Oh, it was real good. Wow.

Real, real good. It was rock solid. I don't remember what else was in there, if there was any stuff that I actually did on the show. Right. But that character is. That was in my submission because I had been doing it. I was actually living here in LA. Okay.

When I got hired at conan because i was here for you acting here what were you i was i i was here for i had two writing jobs it was after i worked on dana carvey show yeah and then i had two jobs here um not the greatest jobs but they were both fun uh-huh um burn bridges i mean i've talked about it before. One was the Keenan Ivory Wayans talk show. That was the second one. But I had left that show months prior to getting hired at Conan. And then this Jenny McCarthy had a sketch show on MTV. Oh, yeah.

And you know, listen, it wasn't the best and it wasn't the worst. We did a lot of funny stuff, a lot of terrible shit. But it was a really fun job. Great people like Will Forte was a writer on that. Oh, wow. That's where I met John Benjamin and there was some other very funny people. Oh, John Benjamin worked on it? Yeah.

And it was great. It was a fun time. There was just a fun group of people. And Keenan is where I met Vernon Chapman. It was great. From PFR. He's a brilliantly funny guy. Really funny.

So is Benjamin. Yeah. But I mean, look, I mean, anytime I talk about that, it's always the lesson is you never know who you're going to work with at these jobs. Right, right, right. And Vernon is part of PFR. Be nice to people. Yeah. Or just for sure be nice to people.

But also if you're kind of on the fence about a job and you're young and starting off, just do it. And if you really feel bad against it, don't do it. But you'll more often than not meet really cool people that you'll either work with down the road or hire you down the road. And it might not be the best show, but it could be a really fun writing staff and the job. The day-to-day is just fun and just money and health insurance and all that stuff. And so there's always benefits. I tell people just don't say no to anything, basically. It usually outweighs the negatives, even from an experience standpoint.

I agree with that. That's like the number one advice. I always, people think there's an exact route to take. And it's like, it's exactly what you guys are saying. So don't say no to things. Get out of your house and yeah and meet people

it's meeting people it's amazing you know down the road just you'll get something because a friend of yours will hear something

recommend you someone will reach out from nowhere yeah and and it's the kind of thing you don't plan

going into it like I'm gonna you know I always laugh at people who go, I'm here to network, which always seems ridiculous. But genuinely making friends early on, it just kind of develops. Well, and those are the people at your early jobs that you're going to kind of come up with. And then it'll be cool to watch what everybody does. Right. And at some point, you'll look around and say, hey, these are all successful people now this is really cool yeah it's very cool and even you know with vernon

and you know his group with john lee and allison levy that's the pffr right like i height when i did delocated yeah it's a good speaking of smooth segment nice segway sam is alive and well in this room but i ended up needing to hire a production company and they had just started to do that and it was a perfect fit. And they did all the shows that I've made. Oh, great. They were the production company. Right.

And me and John and Vernon, we did the bulk of the writing together on all the shows. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, we ended up hiring writers, outside writers to help with the scripts just for a time standpoint. Right. But we, the three of us, did the bulk of the outlines and we would hand those outlines off.

We never had writers' rooms. Right. Mostly because the budgets were pretty small, but we just worked well, the three of us, and cranked it out. So it's like, let's get together again. And you're talking about the Delocated and then Neon Joe. Neon Joe. And then you're talking about John Glazer, Love Scare. Oh, so you guys worked on all three of those together.

Yeah, they produced all three shows and we wrote them all. Came up with all the bulk of the outlines. And then we had writers like Kevin Dorff wrote some scripts, Joe Mandy. And Kevin was in Delocated. Kevin was in Delocated. Kevin was in Delocated. He was here. So what you were asking about before, yeah. So I had done like the Delocated version.

I did the- Can you just explain? Yes. It's a character for Conan in the thing I had done before I got hired. And I'd done it at a live show, this character, and put it in my submission packet. It was an impressionist who's in the witness protection program. And he still considers himself a real talent and wants to put himself out there,

but doesn't want to get killed. So he puts a ski mask on to keep his anonymity intact and speaks with a voice modulator in that kind of garbled voice. So you can't. And then the, the joke, the stupid joke is that all his impressions just sound like this. And he's got like, and they're all really.

But he has all the comedy powder. Just shitty, the hackiest impressions, the worst jokes. Right. But they're all, and he's, but he's hyper confident. Right. Which is always something that I think Conan and I shared that love of like the hyper confident. Right, right, right. Terrible at his job.

Yeah, super snug, but just the worst comedy. Right, right, right. And just makes him even a bigger asshole. Terrible at his job. Yeah, super snug, but just the worst comedy. Right, right, right. And just makes him even a bigger asshole. So I ended up doing that on the show a few times. And it was always the impressionist and his name was Kim in quotes, which I just wanted to like, so you don't know, is he a man?

Is he a woman? Even though it's obvious. What's his ethnicity? Yeah. And then after I left the show show i still just really wanted to do something with that character and came up with the idea of delocated right and um got lucky to do it that was great that was an adult so did you i i mean just to kind of unpack the process did you then take it as a pitch to places did you you put it on film and take it around?

Yeah, I ended up first pitching it. I think I was out here for something, and I pitched it to Comedy Central first, and they passed. Someone there got fired for that decision. Yeah. And then... Is that even a network anymore? And then I pitched it to Adult Swim swim and I ended up making a demo. Like I just took it upon myself.

And even with, when I pitched it to comedy central, I did a, like a live version of the character. They were all waiting in a conference room and came in. And cause to me, it's just, it's better to actually hear it. Yeah. See it. Cause you know, if you're just writing anywhere's a ski mask and he talks like this, you just don't get a sense of that and so i did a live pitch sort of and then after you know

and seen and took the mask off and chit-chatted about it right it's tough when you do an in character pitch like do i have to keep the ski mask on the whole time i would have like if it didn't go well that's what i should have done i would keep that mask on and be like all right thank you and then just wear it home in my car. Right, exactly. You are, you're a fearless performer. I don't know a lot of people who don't get self-conscious, but you seem to me to just be always fearless performer. Does that feel accurate? Yeah.

Do you feel that way? I guess I do. Yeah. I try not to worry about it too much. And I wasn't always that way. That just comes I guess I do. Yeah. I try not to worry about it too much. And I wasn't always that way. That just comes with experience and confidence and getting jobs and feeling like, oh, this works. And doing shows and just feeling like, oh, people, this is. And so.

And you're so great at playing characters that are just, like you were just saying, just overly confident. Yeah. Oh, man man it's the best it's so much fun i know it's it's like it's fun to be in your wheelhouse right right right do you like does audience feedback affect you like if something's not doing as well as you thought does that get in your head or do you do you just plow through it until you win them over i think more often than not it doesn't again, it wasn't always that way. I remember when I was first starting off, even in college, and I was trying stand-up

and it didn't go well. It would really just be, I'd be so hard on myself and I'd have a really tough time. And now I just don't even worry about it because it's just, you just try, I just try things. If I like it, I'll just keep, maybe either keep doing it or if it's not working, I'll just not do it anymore. I mean, more often than not,

it goes well. I mean, listen, who are you talking to? No, but it's, it's, it definitely came over time.

And, and I, oh, sorry, go ahead. No, I, you just mentioned something.

I don't want to detour too much from talking about the show Delocated, but you, I, I, a lot of writers, former writers on this show, on the old Conan show, were stand-ups. But you didn't really, you came more from the improv background, right? Yeah, I did a little bit in

Chicago, and I did a little in college. Of what? Of stand-up. You know, I was a semi-finalist in the Surt's Doritos comedy competition. Whoa! Hosted by Bobby Collins! One of those things, man.

It was like, it was down at spring break and just, oh God, thinking about that old stand-up was so bad. Right. So bad. But I did, like, I went down to Daytona Beach. It was me, Margaret Margaret Cho and then these guys like Red Johnny and the Round Guy oh I've heard of that yes Red Johnny and the Round Guy they were really funny super nice guys I think one of the guys does like a lot of voices oh like yeah I

don't know anyway but so I kind of thought oh I guess maybe I'll try this but more I was interested more in improv and did that in Chicago and that was more my background I still do live shows but it's not traditional stand up I don't do clubs it's more

conceptual more bits I don't know if that's even a word people outside of comedy are familiar with more like character well they say skits

yeah I hate the word skit I even hate saying characters right I hate that I do characters. I tell stories. When I did the Kim character on Conan, I remember that was part of it.

Like, let me introduce you to my character. Right, right, right. It's just so gross. But that gave you a way to do it and also not be connected to it. Yeah, and it is essentially what it is. I am doing this thing in LA and it's this live special idea I had and it's all these

old, what I call just conceptual bits. They're essentially characters. I just hate saying characters. It's not precious. It's not about the impression. It's more about the concept. I'm not changing my voice unless there's a joke attached to it are there wigs involved?

one character has a wig you made him wince one character has a wig, it's like a shitty wig and there's costumes I love wigs, that's a selling point for me wigs are fun so you're fine with the word bits? sure

to a point I love improv is my background I'm fine with the word bits. Sure. All right, cool. Bits has this fence around it. Listen, to a point. I love improv as my background. I love it. I love doing it. But I don't necessarily love talking about it. There were some writers that would come in and start chit-chatting improv.

What's the game here? Get out. Fucking get out. Go talk about that somewhere else, please. I agree. Remember last week at the Herald? I talk about that somewhere else, please. I agree. Remember last week at the Herald? I'm like, oh my God. Jesus Christ.

It's like hanging out with ski bums. Holy shit, man. You know, the slopes of my time the day before. Comedians would do the same thing. Oh my God. I used to think like, am I supposed to be only talking about comedy all the time? Because I'm interested in other things. I felt bad when I was at the Kenan show.

And it was me and some of the more, like, sketchy writers had an office. And then some of the stand-ups had their own office. And some of these guys were just nice guys, but just really bad. You know, they're kind of those, like, clean – they had this comic voice. They always talked in some of these games. Right, right, right. And always coming into our office like, hey, what do you think about this thing?

And like just telling jokes. You know what I was thinking about? Yeah. It just like forced. It's like a premise. Being on in a forced way. All the time. And even like I'd be on the phone and someone would come in

and I would literally just like gesture to my phone. Right. I'm on the phone. Right. And I put a sign and it was just one or two guys that always did it. And I put a sign on our door that just said, if you're coming in with a joke to tell, stay out. And I felt really bad.

And one of the guys actually came in like a couple weeks later. He's like, hey man, you know, I get it. And he like points at the sign and I had to play dumb. Like, no, no, it's for everybody. Everybody does it. And I felt so bad, but God damn, it it was so annoying usually those people don't even know it's directed at them yeah that's true oh he did I felt terrible oh yeah you didn't feel that bad

I did come on I did it was a bit it was an office it's a bit office bit oh my god so delocated with a small shop, I guess you probably, like, did you direct them and edit them, the episodes, or?

I directed the pilot just because I knew what I wanted to do, but I didn't want to do it. I'm not really, I don't have a lot of experience doing that. All right.

But, I mean, hire a good DP that really knows what they're doing and lean on that person. That's what all directors do. Yeah,

I mean, you. That's what Scorsese does. And that's what you should do. I mean, the DP That's what all directors do. Yeah, I mean, you... That's what Scorsese does. And that's what you should do. I mean, the DP is... They do so much. Yeah. So I...

But I did not want to direct the series. That's just too much work. And if you're in it... I don't know. It seems like directing yourself... It's hard to direct yourself. I never... I'm always...

That is the most impressive thing to me. I know. People who are starring in something and directing it. I... Oh, I hate it. How... Give me a break. I know. I don't... i think it's obnoxious it seems all due respect i guess this is a potential bridge burner right yeah yeah i don't fuck anyone who directs them right right you you're so good

well my favorite uh version of that was Ben Affleck directing Argo. And there's that shot where he's like getting shirtless and you see the six pack and it's like, you directed that. I hate that. That was all his. That was all his. You lit that. You wanted the abs to be lit. The angle was perfect.

Oh, man. Yeah. 90 takes. Yeah. Yeah. That stuff's. Oh, man. Yeah. 90 takes. Yeah. Yeah, that stuff's kind of, yeah. Yeah. But you're in a movie now, Hustlers. Yes.

Oh, my God. Thank you. Which I didn't know about. I haven't seen it yet, but I'm dying to see it. Did you say a compliment or you just said I'm in it? No, I don't know. I haven't seen it. Hey, you're in Hustlers.

No, that's a huge movie. Thank you. I usually run out to see every J-Lo vehicle, but I haven't seen this one yet. That's a huge movie. I haven't seen it yet. Wait, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Well, I want vehicle, but I haven't seen this one yet. That's a huge movie. I haven't seen it yet. Wait, really? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Well, I want to. I just haven't seen it yet. Right. That was something that, just because it was in New York. Right. There was a couple things. I guess I think I had an opportunity to also audition for one of the Wall Street guys. But the thing I did, it was a much smaller part, but way more fun, because I could just

eat a sandwich and be a dick. Oh, okay. It was really fun. I didn't know. Classic Glazer wheelhouse sandwich eating ass. Did you get to see some butts? No. Oh. My scene was in Old Navy. Okay. But I didn't even, yeah, there were

no butts even when I was there. Were you acting opposite any of the stars? Really? Is it you and J-Lo? Yeah. Wow. I'm trying to get J-Glay to trend on social media. How's it going?

I don't know. I haven't checked. I'm not on Twitter, so I have no idea. I'd love if you ended up with her. If I ended up with her? Yeah. Like in life? Yeah, like J-Glay.

You're the one who brought up J-Glay. Well, not like as a romantic thing thing but i guess that would be yeah my marriage falls apart because me and jennifer locas end up together i think your wife would understand yeah don't you think that that's one of those outstanding extenuating circumstances where you're like it's fine you should pursue all right right yeah just for the. And then you can come back. Yeah, exactly. Fine, Jake Lee. Right.

Well, that's great. I mean, do you... It was really fun to do. How is doing a movie versus working on a TV show? It just depends. Better budget. Depends on the project. Yeah.

I mean, I've been lucky to do... I haven't done a lot of movies, but they've all been pretty fun. Yeah. In all really small parts, but. Right. Do you have to go audition for those or how did those come up at this point?

Same thing. There's been stuff that's been offered and like the hustlers thing I auditioned for. So it just depends if you know the person and they want to put you in it or whatever. And so you auditioned and then were there callbacks for that part? Like, how does that work? I think that when I just auditioned and got it there callbacks for that part? Like, how does that work?

I think that when I just auditioned and got it. They were like, okay. Yeah. Did you bring a sandwich into the audition? No, I used my improv skills. Yeah. I put my improv skills to the test. Oh, you did space work.

Yeah. Yeah. Object work. Okay. Object work. Yeah, I think I faked a sandwich nice maybe I brought one

I can't remember I don't think so yeah but it was fun it was great and she was super nice man I gotta see that now I know

I can't wait to see it when it's on Netflix you think we'll get a screener for that one we'll get a screener for Hustlers I'm gonna watch it

around Christmas time and I'll take a I'll take a still a shot of the screen and send it to you. And your credit. Please. Oh. But you said you're doing a live show in LA right now? Yeah, just one night.

Oh, cool. Yeah. With all my characters. Oh, God. You're Gary Busey. You play all of his teeth which I think is a tour de force has this show

happened yet? no it's next week I've done it a bunch in New York because it was it was an idea that I've had that I've wanted to pitch

and hopefully someday it'll be a live special somewhere what's the name of it? I don't know I mean I just call it like I don't really have a name for it

if I have John Glazer work in progress yeah kind of I just called it like, I don't really have a name for it. John Glazer, work in progress. Yeah, kind of. I just called it John Glazer's Coming to Town. Picture me on a jet ski from Miami. But I don't know what it would be called. But this is, I'm just, yeah, I'm just sort of still figuring it out.

But I did it a bunch in New York. It involves someone else. Like the concept is that I cancel and whoever I get like a big name to host it like they were just going to come and introduce me and go watch and then they get roped into being the MC for this cavalcade of characters doubling down on characters

cavalcade of characters so who'd you get to do it in New York? the characters what a bad name I think so it was a while ago. Some of them were really good. Like, Paper Lent did one that was really awesome, and John Early's was really funny.

It was just a bad name for a series. Yeah. But some of the people doing it were super funny and some cool conceptual ideas for them. But anyway. Yeah. Yeah. So who'd you get to do it in New York?

Scott Adsit did it. Oh, great. And Adam Scott's going to do it here. Oh, that's great. That's great. It'll be pretty fun. It's really fun. He seems perfect for that.

Yeah. He's great. And we've known each other for years from Second City in Chicago. He lives in New York. But yeah, so we'll see. I like it. I think it's funny. I mean, I was doing it in New York just to even make sure that I even liked it.

Right. Because I thought this could easily be like a, oh, boy. Right. I don't think it is, but I mean, I was doing it in New York just to even make sure that I even liked it. Right. Because I thought this could easily be like a, oh boy. Right. I don't think it is, but I hope not. Right, right, right. I saw when Kevin Dorff and I were having, because I think I would say that a lot at Conan, right? Oh boy.

Oh boy. Shitty stuff. Yep. And we saw some dudes on those scooters that you got in LA. Right. Oh yeah. And Dorff called it an oh boy mobile. Oh boy. Yeah. That was pretty Right. Oh, yeah. Dorf called it an oh boy mobile. Oh boy.

Yeah. That was pretty good. Oh boy. You guys don't have those in New York? Are they banned? I don't think they are in New York.

Okay. Not that I've noticed. There was a sunset. They will be soon. Just like ride them and then just throw them on the ground. It's like garbage.

He said there's like kind of almost like Vespa-like bikes. Oh, yeah. That sounds fun. Yeah. I think they're electric scooters. He's been using those.

They're electric scooters. I forgot it. Yeah. Yeah. That's what they have. But that's at least like an actual motorized vehicle. Right. A little more substantial.

Into some annoying scooter. Or it's on the sidewalk and then it's like, I don't know. Yeah. You have to park it somewhere. You don't just ride a scooter and throw it on the ground. And there's piles of them. I saw one literally just thrown on someone's lawn this morning. Dorf said there was one just under his car.

You need those mirrors on sticks now before you back out. I think I did a coffee table book about this, actually. You did? Where it was like, badly discarded e-scooters. It was like, in an old man's bowl of soup. The first time we saw them was in San Diego. And that city, it's the Wild West down there. They were just, I think they were like, yes, we want scooters here.

No attempt to ban them or anything. They're awful. It is the Wild West. They're just, I think they were like, yes, we want scooters here. No attempt to ban them or anything. They're awful. It is the wild west. They're not good. So you wouldn't move to L.A. is what you're saying. I don't know. You've mentioned it a few times. We've talked about it constantly, my wife and I, and sometimes I feel like.

Is she in the biz? She's not. She's totally open to it. She is. Yeah. And you have kids. I mean, that's a giant. That is a big move.

It's different from obviously being a single rat that can just move around the country. Yeah. I don't know. At this point, I think we might be too entrenched in New York with kids and schools and friends and my wife and her. Yes. Oh, God. We don't do that. We tried it.

It's the worst. We tried the co-op, too. But my wife is like't do that. We tried it. It's the worst. We tried the co-op too. But my wife is like. I love the idea of it. I love the idea. The Brooklyn food co-op we're talking about. Yeah, Park Slope food co-op. Oh my God.

It's famous. It's one of the few in the country that's been going for 30 or 40 years. Yeah, I like the idea of it. We tried it. I did it. And right away, I'm like, no. Me too.

Because of the other people. Price check on the Israeli yogurt. It's just like everything's, and all the people there are super annoying. It's not, you know, I tried to do one of the shifts where I could just put headphones on and stock the shelves. I would be happy to be in the warehouse. I'd be there at six in the morning and stack. I'm in this refrigerated area stacking eggs.

And then I'm like, we don't know what's on the show today. And I'm here stacking dozens of eggs. I'm like, this doesn't. But my wife was like, oh, we're going to join. I'm joining the co-op. I said, that's great. Have fun. How much, how many hours do you have to put in?

Well, I thought she could join as an individual. No. It's your team. You both have to do shifts. I was outraged. My wife did both of our shifts after a while because I just was like, I can't do it. You have to do it also. That actually, what you just said. You're allowed to

pretend to be me. You're allowed to do that? Yeah. If one person does the family's... She's doing characters. All the family shift, you to do that? Yeah. If one person does the family's- She's doing characters. All the family shift, you can do that. Oh, wow. Because some people, I think, have their kids do it if they're old enough. Now you're wondering why Cynthia didn't offer to do that for you. Not in a million years.

But she tried, my wife, and then it just became too much and too annoying. Yeah. But your thing about filling bags of olives or whatever and thinking about the show made me think of a funny story that tommy blacha yes uh told me like just the whole and we would always joke about like just the ridiculousness of our jobs right when the show is in reruns and we'd all get these stacks of residuals right and tommy was a writer time was a writer on the show and granted they were like stacks of 25 cent checks but it's still money yeah right um and you would always joke like when the revolution happens we're the first to go oh people get people you know are getting money for doing nothing for doing something

they they did it like four months ago yeah yeah and even what they did the first time is questionable and now they're getting checks for it because it repeated somewhere. But there were several things along those lines, like just the importance of what we're doing and how ridiculous it is. Right. Do you remember the thing where someone filled that condom with Diet Coke and then tied it to the ceiling? And it literally hung there for months and months and just eventually like syrup

started slowly dripping through it and it was just these stalactites and it was just so fire so condoms are not totally watertight it sounds like this took months if you're wearing it for several months it will start to leak

but somebody and it was around the time of one of those pending Writers Guild strikes, that someone's idea that we should, someone should make a drawing of that condom hanging from the ceiling. Right. And then with like a Ghostbusters circle through it. And then we'd all wear those t-shirts on the picket line. More money for this. Right, exactly.

We get paid more than teachers was always the joke. No, it was. But Blotch's thing was how like lawyers might wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. Like, oh, I forgot that key piece of evidence for this murder case. Get my client off. He's innocent.

Right. And we would wake up, or he would say he'd wake up similarly in a cold sweat. Like, oh, I forgot to order the clown wig and it was the same urgency because you get in trouble if you're like where's the yeah just the stupid because there was rehearsal the next day at 10 a.m and it's like oh wow if i didn't order yesterday we're not gonna get it no wig guys you know and everyone's mad at you yeah it's terrifying yeah well your rehearsals were at 10 a.m., so everything basically had to be written the night before. I was trying to add drama

to the story. No, it was never. By the time I left, it was starting to, I think, crack down a little bit. I used to always show up at 11, 11.30 that first year. It was awesome. It started to be a little more like, be in by 10, please, or whatever. There would be morning rehearsals for run-throughs

without Conan and Andy. Yeah, yeah. Without Conan and Andy. Right, right. Where you'd try to. Yeah. I don't remember that. Maybe I was gone. Yeah, man. And I was long gone.

It was the good days. Man, oh, man. The second five. Bad. The second five years. Yeah, I love stories like the condom thing where, I mean, some of the things I've heard are harrowing about your offices. Yeah.

Just the cleanliness of it. Oh, my God. Awful. Well, yeah, we would throw harrowing about your offices. Yeah. Just the cleanliness of it. Oh, my God. Awful. Well, yeah, we would throw things up and break ceiling tiles. Yeah. And then you had all these in this conference room. And people would just come back and fix it, right? Well, Blotch and McCann were always like,

They'd throw food up there. Why do we have, there's a mouse! And then he'd throw food in the ceiling. And then he'd throw food where the mouse was. He'd be like, there's a mouse! Throw this leftover food at it! And he would like shove pies. I'll kill it with

this hamburger. Oh God. But in these holes in the ceiling, like they would just ball food up and whip it up into the hole.

So there were months of food up there. Oh God. See, I think this is what I imagined. It was disgusting.

When I thought about being a comedy writer, I envisioned like a room full of bean bags where everyone was just throwing Cheetos at each other. But then I started and it wasn't that, but it actually was at one point. It was there. Me and Tommy shared, Tommy Blotch and I shared an office.

The music department used to get all these CDs, just, this is terrible, from bands that are trying to get on the show. And they all end up in just a bin. Like 90% of them were just like, maybe, i don't even know if they listened to them right but there was a huge bin of just cds and you and tommy listened to all of them oh yeah we gave it a fair shot no we just take them yeah and we had like the way our we had a couch in our office and then the front door to our office would kind of open but but then it would stop against the arm of the couch and it would form like this triangle of space between the wall, the door, and the arm of the couch.

And then, blacha, we would just take these CDs and we would stand on one corner of the office and then whip them as hard as we could against the wall, just for the joy of seeing it smash. So they'd hit, shatter everywhere, but the bulk of it would just fall onto the ground. And we did this for years. And it was maybe two to three feet high of just shards of plastic CDs, the cases.

And we just called it bin CD corner. That's right. It had a sign. It was a massive pile. And didn't some of them like stick into the wall? Like a knife? I mean, we were just destroying the wall. Yeah.

The wall was all beat up. There was jagged edges stuck in there. Probably leaching chemicals into the- Oh my God. It was so obnoxious. We also had a bowling ball on the floor. No one knows how it got. But so people would just pick the bowling ball on the floor for no one knows how it got but so yeah people would just

pick the bowling ball up like if there was someone they didn't like on the floor below they'd figure out where their office was and start throwing them oh i wish we had that now you know what i think that one big difference is uh one difference is you had three writers and two right yes right i hired bankers no but but uh you had three writers and two writers. That's right. I hired bankers. No, but you had three people jammed into a room smaller than this. And you kind of just would go crazy. Now, I think it was just the people. We're all just like idiots and obnoxious.

Yes. Like to amuse ourselves. Yes. And not write children's drawings. Jesus. It was like, what do I do?. And not write children's drawings. Oh, Jesus. It was like, what do I do? I'll wrote a children's drawing or give me a new bin of CDs.

You go for the CDs. Every time. I remember, didn't I? I wore a shirt and I wrote extracting DeSiemens. That was like one of those shitty SAT analogy punchlines. Yes.

That was maybe the worst thing I think that I thought we ever did. Extracting. That was like one of those shitty SAT analogy punchlines. Yes. That was maybe the worst thing I think that I thought we ever did. Yes. That was an actual quote unquote joke. Yes. That made the show? That was on an SAT analogy. Blankety blank is to something that rhymes with Siemens as blankety blank is to extracting the Siemens. That was an actual fucking thing.

And now a t-shirt. And now a t-shirt. Well, I wrote it on a shirt and wore it my last day. Or maybe I wore it and then took photos of everyone's desk. Oh, that's great. And then sent it to you guys or something like that. Yeah. Oh, man.

It was a volume business. That's exactly, yeah. I think Conan's thing was always like, it's the fuel that fuels the weird rocket ship. Right, right. You got to have the fuel. Right. And I was always like, no, you don't. Just have the fuel be weird.

Yeah. But people ask me that all the time. Like, don't you worry about running out of ideas because it's every day? And you just don't because there's so many people there. Right. But it is volume. Not everyone has a great idea every day and you just don't because there's so many people there right but yeah i mean not not everyone has a great idea every day no right sometimes never it's nice to also not have to worry about that yeah sometimes never sometimes people have speaking for myself coden said there was a writer who came and said you know what ah i'm burned out i want to leave

and and then said i've been burned out for nine months. Just admitted, basically, I haven't been working for nine months. But yeah, there's a whole team. So you could maybe. Yeah, you hopefully don't, your burnouts don't align so that you can kind of each take a burnout. Right, exactly. Yeah.

Well, I don't know what it's like now, but the schedule was really great. You know, the built-in vacation schedule. Right. Yeah, yeah. There was a fair amount of them from what I remember. They were spaced out. They were nicely spaced.

Yeah, you knew when they were coming. You could plan. And that was always pretty great. Now there are even more weeks now. Almost more vacation than work. Exactly. Wow, sounds good. Yeah, it's pretty good

what have I done maybe I'll come back come on back you're welcome anytime we'll bring children's drawings back just for you oh Jesus well and we'll put in

a good word for you for Conan's podcast too yeah I don't want to do it now no I think you shouldn't no thanks yeah pass

I think you should pass yeah yeah we're used to that you're not going to top this ah yeah we are out of time we're out of time already wow we're used to that you're not gonna top this ah yeah we are out of time

we're out of time already wow this is crazy but you can come back anytime yes anytime you want anytime you're in LA alright

or you know sometimes we're in New York we'll come out to Brooklyn build a studio that'd be great you could do some of your characters for us characters in the park

they could lead to bits. Well, I hope we get to see that live show at some point. Yeah, that'll be exciting. Sold out here, sorry. Yeah. Okay, well. Yeah, I hope everyone gets to see it someday. Yeah, that's what I meant.

Yeah, no, I know. And also Hustlers when the screener comes. Yes, when the screener comes. J-Glay. J-G-L-A-Y. Let's get it trending. Let's get that out there Get it trending on Twitter

Let's do that Why don't you have a Twitter account? I don't know You just don't want to do it I just hate all social media It's the worst Oh yeah, yeah, yeah I'm on Instagram

You're making phone calls It can be fun But Twitter I just never join You're an old fashioned guy You're old school I can't do it That's good It's not good

I can't do it I mean in my opinion No, no, it's awful If you can stay away, do it. Yes. Well, thank you, John. John, thanks for having me. This is great seeing you.

Bye. You too. Bye. Bye. That was John Glazer. It still was John Glazer the whole time. And we- Doing characters.

Yes. And next week, we're going to have a former head writer of The Conan Show. Of Late Night. Jonathan Groff. Jonathan Groff. And when he shortens his name, it's J-O-N. Oh, it is also J-O-N. Also J-O-N.

John Groff will be here next week. We're the only podcast bringing you these scoops. Yep. This inside spelling of writers' names. We'll see you next week with another J-O-N. Bye-bye. We like you. Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast, is hosted by Mike Sweeney and

me, Jesse Gaskell. Produced by Kevin Bartelt. Engineered by Will Becton. Mixed by Ryan Conner. Superered by Will Beckton. Mixed by Ryan Connor. Supervising producer is Aaron Blair. Associate producer, Jen Samples. Executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross.

Jeff Ross. And Team Coco. And Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Thanks to Jimmy Vivino for our theme music and interstitials. You can rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Spannin' at Earwolf. Thanks to Jimmy Vivino for our theme music and interstitials. You can rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. And of course, please subscribe and tell a friend to listen to Inside Conan on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, or whatever platform you like best. Ta-da!

This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.