Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - Laurie Kilmartin Revisits Traveling to Qatar For MISSION CONAN

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

CONAN writer Laurie Kilmartin joins Mike and Jessie to discuss traveling to the Al Udeid Air Base in Qatar with Conan, First Lady Michelle Obama, John Mulaney, and musician Grace Potter for Mission: Conan. The conversation is, once again, briefly hijacked by Conan O’Brien. Got a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone] or e-mail us at [e-mail].

And now, it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Hi, welcome back to Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Mm-hmm. I might... Oh, whoa, whoa podcast. Mm-hmm. I might... Oh, whoa, whoa. Ew. Ew. After you.

Oh, no, after you. Okay. I'm Mike Sweeney, and you are Jesse Gaskell, and we're writers for Conan, whatever Conan's... Conan Enterprises. Yes, we're for Conan LLC. And this is... We talk about behind the scenes at Conan. I mean, we're really very focused podcast.

We're steeped, yes, in Conan culture. And if we stray far from Conan, we get our knuckles wrapped. That's right. We've tried. Yeah, we're trying to talk about local birds. Self-care. True crime. MDs versus osteopaths.

Unless Conan commits the murder, we're not allowed to talk about it. Well, we know he's committed murder. We do know that. We haven't uncovered the facts or the details. And once that happens and he's reported to the authorities, we can cover it. We'll get to talk about it on this podcast. Absolutely.

And then I think this podcast will finally be a hit. Yes. That's all we're waiting for. And then a national tour. All in one murder. Oh, yeah.

That's right. One murder per city that he's been to. Yeah. I wonder how many murders total. Well, it'll be how many seasons

of the podcast we do. All right. We'll find out. Stay tuned. I mean, I think how many murders total. Well, it'll be how many seasons of the podcast we do. All right, we'll find out. Stay tuned. I mean, I think we're segwaying well into this season's theme, which is Conan traveling to different cities on the road. And now we know why. Doing segments, yes. The big motivation.

Exactly. New victims, fresh victims. Exactly. And why he leaves so quickly after arriving. That's right. Under cover of darkness. Yeah, we're talking about Conan on the Road and all the permutations of that, like Conan Without Borders, his international shows, and just remote bits he's done or taking the show to Comic-Con or, you know, a week in different cities. Chicago, Atlanta.

Chicago, New York, our old stomping ground. Yeah. And recently, actually, Conan went to Washington, D.C. True. He was just there a couple of weeks ago. Adam Sandler was getting the prestigious Mark Twain Award for American humor. Yes. Humor with no H. I don't for American humor. Yes. Humor with no H. I don't pronounce my H's.

Yeah. The American way is with the H. I've got to not use that word. For American comedy. Ha ha. And yeah. And Conan was presenting. Yes.

Well, Conan and Adam go way back. They worked. Yes. They met at SNL, I think. Yes. Well, Conan and Adam go way back. They worked. Yes. They met at SNL, I think. Yeah. Conan told a really funny story in his presentation at the Kennedy Center about when he first met Adam. Right. That Adam had his pants around his ankles.

Right. And a pencil sticking out of his ass. And I believe that's a true story. That's a true story. I don't know how you'd come up with that if it wasn't. It was a pencil, not a pen. So that's what some story i don't know how you'd come up with that if it wasn't it was a pencil not a pen so that's which is what some people pick about sticking out oh i don't know that's a good if he's smart he goes i'd erase her in i would think so yeah yeah but i i mean a mark twain

recipient knows well enough twain twain would know Eraser as well. Eraser up. So, yeah, his speech was great. It was. It was really funny. I didn't watch it live. It aired on CNN. It aired on CNN.

But I just watched the clips. I watched the clips. Yeah. Because I don't even have cable anymore. Like I watch CNN. Yeah. But it sounded like Conan had a great time. He had a great time.

He went on first and he did the speech about like, oh my God, what have you, you know, Kennedy Center, what have you done?

Yes, you made a huge mistake. Right. And then, you know, he had a lot of great jokes and then he, of course, said a lot of really nice things.

He did say that. That's what, you have to have the turn. You have the turn after the little roast. Otherwise it is just a roast. I think everyone was doing the roast and the turn, which is how

those things go. It was a good lineup. I mean, a lot of great comedians spoke. And I saw Adam's acceptance speech. It was also very sweet. It was very sweet. Yes, he's very heartfelt. Yeah.

Yeah, a lot of it. Like Chris Rock was there and Ben Stiller. I was going to say Jerry Stiller. Rob Schneider. Jerry Stiller was there in spirit. Rob Schneider, of course. Oh, Idina Menzel sang. Oh, yeah.

Idina Menzel. Menzel sang a song that I think Robert Smigel worked on. Oh, cool. It's very funny I don't know if you saw that no I haven't watched that part yeah I will it's a very funny clip

and I I assumed she was just singing Let It Go or something for him when in doubt go play the Frozen card yeah well now she's

Broadway's funny girl but no it's a really funny song and I think it brought the house down. It really killed. And yeah, Robert worked on it.

Oh, that's perfect. Well, he's great at writing hilarious song lyrics. Yes. I think he wrote a lot of the lyrics for Adam Sandler's first comedy album. Oh, wow. And Conan wrote something too, I think. Did he write the Hanukkah song? I don't know the answer to that.

Well, that's fun. I'm glad, you know, I'm glad Conan got to be a part of it. It does seem a little bit criminal that Conan hasn't been up for that award. Yeah. I mean, I thought he won it a few times already, but it turns out he hasn't won it yet. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know.

If anyone from the Twain committee is listening. Although, who goes into comedy for like someday the Mark Twain Award? Yeah. No, I know. It's something that was invented 20 years ago. Yeah. I always forget that it exists until some clips come up. I know.

I wonder what other Kennedy Awards we don't even know about. There's probably ones for accounting. Right. Right. Well, there's always, yeah. And then, I don't know. For there's probably ones for accounting right right well there's always yeah and then i don't know actuary actuarial silence the only thing i've ever seen i think is aretha franklin singing for carol king oh that's a different that's a different award it's not for comedy right that's just general is that like the president's award? Yeah, I don't know. It's always like it's Bono and the Edge alongside Dr. Phil. Right, right.

Or like Anthony Fauci. Right, exactly. Yes. And they're all being honored together. Why not? And they get those rainbow medals. Oh, I didn't even know that. Okay.

Fun. I think they just have a fun thing. Let's see the most disparate people we can put together in a balcony at the Kennedy Center. Yeah. And we'll honor all of them. Who can we get to show up? Yes. Yeah, I really love that Aretha Franklin clip because she's wearing her purse the entire time.

Oh. And that's famously she- That's a famous story, right? Yeah, would never put her purse down because she didn't trust people backstage. Well, when she was on Late Night, there were two things I'll never forget. A, it was a hot summer day, no air conditioning. She would, because it affects her throat. Yeah.

So from the minute she came in to rehearse until she sang, there was no air conditioning on in the studio. Oh, I've heard that for vocalists, that it needs to be really moist and swampy. Yes. And it was moist and swampy. The only time I remember 30 Rock being moist and swampy, it was stifling in there. It was brutal. And the second she was done, the second she was down the hallway, they're like, crap. Yes. It was too late by then. And supposedly she insisted on being paid in cash, which I like to believe is true. I like to believe we went out and got a leather valise. A folio, yes.

Yes, to stuff the cash in. But wait. Oh, but I, okay. I know why I brought this up. Right. Because the monologue writers from Conan contributed to Conan's speech. Absolutely, yes. For Adam Sandler.

Yes. Brian Kiley. And Laurie Kilmartin. And Laurie Kilmartin. Two hilarious, very funny stand-up comics and great monologue writers for Conan for years. Pitched in and had some great jokes. And also Jeff Stilson, a very funny guy who worked on the awards, threw in some jokes. And Matt O'Brien.

And Mike Sweeney. Sure. Yeah. But no, Brian and Lori are the stars. And one of those people, Lori, is our guest today. That's right. Because she went, Brian and Lori both also traveled with Conan to Qatar. Qatar.

Qatar. Or Qatar. I still don't know how to say it. I actually looked it up because I was like, let's nail this down. Qatar. Qatar. Or Qatar. I still don't know how to say it. I actually looked it up because I was like, let's nail this down. Yeah. Because when we were there, everyone was like, it's Qatar, it's Qatar, it's Qatar. And now I've heard it both ways. I know.

And it's actually, Qatar is considered incorrect by many, by people who live there, which I think. Okay. That's who I want to listen to. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's more, I think an Americanization of it. Okay. So what is it?

Qatar. Qatar. However you want to pronounce it. It's Qatar. It's Qatar. No, it's Qatar or I believe Qatar. Okay. Yeah.

Anyway. Anyway, Conan did a show in this place. He went there. Well, Michelle Obama invited him to go and entertain. To do a USO show. At Al Udeid Air Force Base there. And he brought along Brian. Brian.

Laurie. John Mulaney. Mm-hmm. And Grace Potter. Musician Grace Potter. That's right. And so we're talking to Laurie about that trip. Yep.

And everything that happened there. And fair warning to our listeners, the conversation we had with Laurie was once again briefly hijacked by Conan O'Brien himself. Oh, that's right. I know. It's like he's got a spidey sense for when we're in here recording. We're safe now during these intros. I think the door is locked. He doesn't come near.

The one time we need him during these intros. Where the hell is he? We'll give him a second. No? 1,000, 2,000. Nope. All right. Here we go.

Lori Kilmartin. Lori Kilmartin, welcome back to Inside Conan. Oh my gosh. Hello, Lori. It's great to see you. What a thrill to see you both. Your 10th appearance on our podcast. Was it? I guess so.

Just play along. Well, we wanted to have you back. We're doing a whole season on Conan on the Road. Cool. And you have been on the road with Conan. Yeah. You really have. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you went been on the road with Conan. Yeah. You really have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you went famously to, okay, so here's where we're going to go. Here's where we're going to spend 20 minutes. Okay, the country where they just had the World Cup. Right. Cotter. Oh, Cotter? Like Tom Cotter, the comet? I don't know.

Oh, okay. What do we think it is? I know it's almost a cliche at this point, but I still haven't learned how to say. Well, at the time we were there, everyone lectured us that it was Cutter. Cutter. Yes. But our producer, Sean, sent us an article today. Yeah.

Explaining all the different pronunciations. Wow. And it turns out Cutter is incorrect. Okay. So we can rule that out. We can rule out Qatar, I think. Before the podcast, I apparently said gutter, and you guys mocked me about how maybe I was right. That's, you know, why not say windowpane?

Mention other parts of the house while you're at it. Oh, someone's got a house. All right, Mr. Fancy. You have a house. My car doesn't have gutters. Lori, a lot's happened since you've seen me. I live in my car, but I put gutters on it just to remind me of home. Why don't we call it the country where the World Cup was? All right. That's easier to say than- The 2022 World Cup finals. Well, no, you read the article. I did read the article. So I think, Sean, I'm backing up.

I think it was Qatar. Qatar. Oh, so that was my first instance. That's the closest to how they say it. My original, yeah. I mean, I think they yanked our chains for a couple years there. While they were modernizing, they were like, should we change the pronunciation? Yeah, the brain went to your brain.

Yes, exactly. So now when you say, I'm going to clean, you're going to clean your guttar. Guttars. Guttar. Guttar. It does sound like the answer. Anyway, so. You went to Qatar.

I did. With Conan. I did. This was kind of a special, it was a USO show that you all put on there. Right. And we made a whole travel show out of it. Yeah. You did a lot of other things while you were there.

Yeah. But was that your first time going to the Middle East? I've done other USO shows. You had, okay. I've been to Iraq and Kuwait and Bahrain before that. Yeah. But it was my first time flying business class on Emirates. And that's almost all I remember about that entire decade.

Because I've never- You wouldn't get off the plane. I refused. Put some gutters on that plane. Live there. No, that's a really great plane. Oh my gosh. I've only been, i went on one coming back from armenia we flew from dubai to la to la yeah so i got to go on that one that's like a 15 hour flight yeah and you go over the north pole wow so that okay so you remember

the plane yeah it was kind of pink inside. Yeah. And then there's a bar where you can sit. There's a bar in the back. And as soon as you are out of Middle Eastern airspace, you can drink. But as soon as, I remember Seth, the cameraman. Yes. Who, if we can say this, likes his alcohol.

No, that's. Seemed to be crestfallen as we entered Dubai airspace. Yeah, for that two hours. Yeah. It was 20 minutes. And they had to be yanked out of the bar. Last call.

He started banging on the captain's door. Right. Yeah, you can't... It's interesting that that law begins in the air. Yeah. Right. Like the boundaries extend all the way up to 20 000 feet yeah um yeah i had a i was forced to have a clitorectomy at that point

temporary it was reversed i remember seth reversed it when we landed and it's a good thing he was sober he wasn't it's not in the he was sober. He wasn't. It's not in the right place anymore. But you had to be sober too, unfortunately. Yes. Yeah, it was a beautiful flight.

It was... Yeah. Yeah. Oh, did you get like a special, you know, you get, sometimes we'll get like pajamas or a little... Maybe it was like a...

Toiletry bag. Toiletry bag that has long since been chewed by a dog. Yeah, and then we heard that first class was even better. And the rumor about first class, and we weren't allowed in, was that

first class had a shower and possibly a treadmill. Wow. He's here to clear up. Speaking of first class. We knew first class travel would suck him right in. We're like, how many times do we have to mention Emmert's first class?

Pitch in the shower. That'll get him in. That'll get him in. Listen, I'm not one that likes to crash inside Conan. I've been inside me and it's not pleasant. Not pretty. But when I saw that Laurie Kilmartin was in the building, I freaked out.

All kidding aside, you're, I think, one of the funniest people I've ever met. She is. No, she is. You are, I mean, we worked together for so many years. Yeah. I've seen your standup so many times and you always devastate

and destroy and you have one of my favorite laughs of all time and I used to live. Lori says a generous laugh. Yes. No.

No, I feel like they're all earned. Now we're getting to what you really love about Lori. She laughs at every joke you make. I'm going to be honest,

I've never seen your stand-up. Now we got it. I just found out that Lori was your name. Yeah. I call you Laffy yeah I saw your contract your name's not Laffy

yeah swear to god I thought it was Laffy Kilmartin but man when I when we would

we would screw around so much I miss it so much I know oh my gosh you know what's funny I don't miss there's stuff I don't miss about doing a late night talk show.

Conan. After all those years of doing it, I don't miss certain things. And then there are things I really miss. Yeah. I miss having a band around. Yeah, for sure. I love those guys, and I loved forcing my playing on them. But I just loved being around musicians. I

loved being in writer's rooms and I loved the amount of time that we would spend before a monologue. We would screw around and it was stuff that would in no way enhance the show. And that would be what we were laughing the hardest at. I know. And I feel like my life was lengthened because of how much I, what a good time I had every single day. Like how much I laughed. Just the laughing. Yes. Seriously. Yeah. No, I miss it terribly. Yeah. And people will ask me about you and I'm like, I think what he loves not doing is having makeup put on him. You hated that. You hated that. It is so funny you say that because

there was stuff that went along with it that I grew over almost 30 years to start to loathe, which is this formality of, hey, put on your special outfit. Your big boy pants. Go sit in that chair.

And then people are going to press chemicals onto your face so that you show up on television. Otherwise you wouldn't. The first nine years we couldn't see you. I most closely resemble the visible woman model that's available in the 60s and 70s. It's a funny reference if you have a time machine. He's got a uterus. Yeah, a visible uterus. But man, I was heading up the stairs

and Erica Brown said, Laurie Kilmartin's here. And I was like a kid at Christmas. I was so happy. I was so happy you were here. I didn't know if you'd be here, you know? No, Hefner does hang out at the mansion. And that's an analogy you can take all the way. I'm well into my 80s and I walk

around in a robe and it's really questionable. It's something that won't age well no I'm I was so happy that you're that you're here and I miss you I mean I'm being completely I was not raised to speak this way but I love you and I am no I'm serious it was beaten out of me

but I love you and I'm such an admirer and fan of yours and I'm just when so when you were here I was like I'm crashing you know that used to be he doesn't do that that used to be a tradition in show business that you would oh yeah uh a celebrity would crash another show and we had it happen a couple of times way before you showed up, we had Milton Berle just crashed onto our set. Oh my God. And it was-

With his cock? What's that? Do you remember? Do I remember? First of all- It's such a great story. Well, he came, it was the thing to do back in the-

Yeah, right. In the 40s and 50s and 60s, if a star of Milton Berle's caliber saw that a light was on that said they're shooting, well, you just walk in. Yeah. With a cigar in mouth. Get applause. And the band immediately kicks in and people freak out.

So we're doing the late night show and the double doors. And all of a sudden, this would be really early on, 1994 maybe. The doors just – and I later heard from a page the page who was there the NBC page was outside and the NBC page saw Milton Berle had just finished something at live at five you know and he had just finished doing something and he walked out and he's got his cigar and he sees the light and we had Letterman studio so it was always like this sort of well-known talk show studio he saw the lighter and he went what's going on in there they said, oh, they're taping late night with Gordon O'Brien. And he went, I'm going in.

And he just kicked the doors open. Of course, the band immediately went into a song. I forget what his song was. I think it was, oh, yes, the huge cock. Right. Look at my cock. Right. And an old standard.

And he did all his shtick and roll. And what he didn't know is that did all his shtick and roll, you know. And what he didn't know is that we were in commercial. Oh no. So the cameras, it was just, and the audience was happy, really happy to see him.

And it was a great moment. It was in commercial. And so then he like waved and walked out and I had to rush out and tell Millie Burrell. Oh no. None of that, none of that Oh, no. None of that.

None of that was on television. None of that was. So the cameras weren't recording it anyway? Well, this was the early days. This is when we had, you know, we had these, I love those guys. God bless their souls. But the minute they were in commercial,

I think they'd all go have a martini. Yeah, yeah. Union rules. Union rules, yeah. You'd be in commercial, like today if something happens in commercial, you still shoot. But I think then they physically left the building

and went to New Jersey and had a 35 foot sub and then made it back. Milton Berle was like, I knew it was a commercial. That's why I did it. Yeah. But anyway,

I had to go out and tell him he wasn't too pleased. Do it again. Did he return for the taping? No, because the moment was lost. He had a big surprise with the audience. So you can't re-surprise an audience. Yeah.

It just doesn't work. Yeah. And so, but anyway, I don't know. Yeah, I wanted to dash in here while Laurie comes on this year. During our commercial. Tell an old Milton Berle story. Wait, are we recording? Hey!

And Conan's got a giant cock. Yeah, exactly. No one's buying that one. Trying to get that Pete Davidson energy going. Oh my God. Big dick energy. It's just not happening. But we mention Emirates with every guest and he's never come in to learn more.

So he does love you. That was an incredible flight, was it not? It was insane. Yeah. That was insane. That's all we've talked about. Did you have a shower? Is that what you were all talking about?

Of course I had a shower. In first class, right? Yeah, I was in there with the pilot and the co-pilot. It made me worried because the plane started. There's a lot of turbulence. No, I've never been on a flight like that before. I may never get to again. It's the kind of thing you only do

if some other sucker is paying. Exactly. And we were on the company dime and this was the way to go. And so I'll never forget, they, you know, we're all used to, you get a few amenities if you go on an airplane. Yeah.

You know, you get like, oh, here's some mints. And here's one of those, a mask that you can put over your eyes that looks like it costs less than a dollar. And you're like, okay, this is cool. Fine. But this was absolutely unbelievable. They brought out this,

I think we were given pajamas, which were like pajamas that you would keep the rest of your life. They're like cashmere. And they, I think they got, they get your sizes ahead of time. I mean, I couldn't believe it.

It makes you feel, and they just keep bringing, you're in this like big cubicle thing. Yeah. And you can go to sleep. Yeah. It's like 1100 square feet. Oh,

it's per person. Exactly. Yeah, it's like 1,100 square feet per person. That's the shower. There's an atrium. No, it was insanity and there was a shower and I took a shower and it was actually

pretty roomy. You'd think, oh, there'd just be some tiny shower. No, it's bigger than the shower I have at home here in Los Angeles.

Much bigger. And you're just scheduled for it. Where does the water go? Well, that's a funny story. It goes back to economy and that's what we wash our hands with. It's kind of a day job. That's the tap water.

What do my hands smell like Conan O'Brien and cheap Irish spring? Was there a treadmill? Was there any sort of work? No. That's a lot. I did have, it's another thing they have, I had facial surgery. They have a small operating room and it's all, I got fillers and I had cheek implants put in. And they don't have to abide by American medical standards.

Oh, no, they did a hatchet job on me. My career was ruined for about five years. Hence the extra makeup. I got a kidney transplant from someone in coach. You didn't even need it. You have three now. It's pretty great. I'll take her kidney.

Actually, he's quite sick because he has too many kids. He won't give it up, though. He's on tons of medication to compensate. No, I just like to stay on the important topic, which I don, me figuring, it's so funny. I would, as happy and thrilled as I was to do the late night show all those years. And then I was really done with that format and happy to be done with that format. But what I keep thinking about is what's the way that I can scam some way to have all my favorite writers and we- In a room.

Like, or in a commune, like I'll buy farmland in upstate New York. We'll have a commune and everybody will basically just gather and we'll pitch sketches that never- Yeah. Maybe they happen around a campfire at night. Oh, I love that. But, you know, and of course, as the leader of this commune,

I would have certain privileges. It always gets to that. I'm sorry, but when a guy starts a commune, that's always where it's going. It always gets there. Always goes that way. It doesn't matter.

It starts nicely. if Tim Conway had started a commune within a week he'd have been wearing a purple robe and sleeping with all the wives. And once again

you're the only one with a shower. Exactly. So they have to sleep with you. He's everyone else all the other males smell.

But I swear to God if I figured out a way that we could just get all my favorite you know, because we lost a terrific writer recently, Brian Rich, which was terribly tragic. And he had an illness and we all kind of thought he beat it and it came back and it was terrible. And then a bunch of us got together to have a, you know, sort of a memorial to talk about Brian Rich. And we ended up, I mean, laughing so hard, just laughing so hard, which sounds strange to some people.

Like, it's a memorial. You should be. No, it was appropriate. We were just talking about other memories of 28 years of making these very strange television shows. And there was so much affection, you could tell nobody wanted to leave. And I thought, this is the thing, I'm like a vampire that hasn't had a drink of blood

two years, I really miss that. So that's why I kicked the door open. I was like, I need my Laurie Kilmartin fix. And you are also, nobody has a laser beam that can take anyone down that's sharper than Laurie Kilmartin. There's so many times where you would just say the thing in the room.

Actually, we have a contender here. Yeah. I trained at the Laurie Kilmartin school. times where you would just say the thing in the room. Actually, we have a contender here. I trained at the Laurie Kilmartin school. The Laffy Kilmartin school. Yeah, Laffy Kilmartin. No, that's, I mean, just the devastating ability to

bring me completely back down to earth. No, I don't know. Yeah, I miss those times so much. I had so much fun. Well, I'm going to figure something out. I figure. Yeah.

Yeah. How do you, what career is that? Where we're just sitting in a room. We just have mono meetings. Yeah, just the monologue. Part of it is writing jokes that you don't like. And then you start, you know, shredding us for giving you these shitty jokes i mean i miss that too you know it's so funny because stephen colbert has a very clear

memory of um years before he was well known he was working on something with smigel robert smigel and they were watching the feed and i was on camera shredding writers in the way that I do. Yeah. And. In rehearsal. In rehearsal. And he saw it and he was like, wow, that's, you know, that's rough. And, you know, Robert said, well, Conan has to go out with material. He's the face of it. So he needs to, you know.

And also I'd like to think that sometimes my deconstruction of the material was, I think, funny. I hope. Oh, yeah. It was the whole point. Scraps. Yes, it was. Often funnier than the funniest thing. That's what angered the writers the most. I know.

But anyway, that was what Stephen was bringing up was, was that it was us, everybody loves a good joke. We all loved a good joke and we loved a good sketch, but man, when something came to rehearsal or something came into the monologue room that was completely egregious, people used to see me lick my lips

because they knew they were in for- That's what really gave you joy. They knew that they were in for 40 minutes and people would, of me just going on and on, like picking apart, how did this happen? How did this get through the safety net that is supposed to be the head writer? How did other writers not intervene?

Basically, how did fucking Jack Ruby get into the basement? You know, how? Was there no one standing around to say? And that was such a joy because you actually, when we were at Comic-Con, there was some bit we were, when we were at Comic-Con, there was some, there was some bit we were doing, rehearsing, and we had plenty, but then, then someone said, no,

no, we got something else. And it was R2-D2 and he's kind of- It was the last bit of the day. It was the last bit of the day. And you already had plenty. We already had plenty, which is another thing. That's bad. We got it.

We got it. Yeah. And, you know, I want to go upstairs and i want to play my guitar incessantly and bother people and um uh and i really i have to stay at this rehearsal longer and they said no no it's worth it and then it was someone had rented an r2d2 robot so r2d2 comes out but he's a he's like a sticky agent i think Oh Yeah I think it was sort of like Yeah yeah R2-Meetoo

Oh no No it wasn't R2-Meetoo There were so many R2-D2 bits At Comic Con I can't remember which one He was like Yeah yeah You know

I want a dressing room See I mean I don't remember What it was But a beep beep boop Beep beep boop boop You know It says in my contract

He had totally gone Hollywood And And it's so funny Cause Matt O'Brien You know, it says in my contract, he had totally gone Hollywood. And it's so funny because Matt O'Brien, Sweeney, they were sitting in the audience and a bunch of other people. And they said they saw it come out going beep, beep. Yeah, yeah. It's in my contract. See, beep, beep. Get William Morrison Dever on the phone.

Beep, beep. And they said, people said they saw me licking my lips. Going yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. phone people said they saw me licking my lips and then the shredding began and i was so happy so happy oh my gosh i'm gonna figure out a way that we can i i seriously honestly have to figure out a way. I don't know what it is, but a way where clearly no one's doing this out of love. I got to make sure people get paid. I got to figure out a way that this works. I'm going to figure out a way that this works. But man, I would love to do that. Because I just miss it so much.

Me too, me too. Get R2-D2 here. Should we tell you one of my favorite memory, Laurie Kilmartin memories? Yeah. Remember we were at Warner Brothers and it's after the show and I'm headed to the freeway in my car.

Oh God, yeah. And I have always seen one Laurie Kilmartin, which is, she's delightful, she's upbeat, she's super sharp, all this stuff. delightful, she's upbeat, she's super sharp, all this stuff. And so she's walking along and I am slowing down to say something to her. We're on an

overpass. We're on an overpass. I'm walking home on a freeway. She's walking home and it's a freeway overpass in Burbank. Jesse, you're a woman. You're not bubbly on an overpass. Right. No, no, no. Nor should you be. I'm just saying it was a complete misunderstanding. But what happened was.

Oh, God. You're just trying to get off the overpass. She's just trying to get off the overpass. You're just trying to get home. And from my perspective, oh, there's Lori. I'm going to lower my windows. I'll creep up next to her. Slow down the car and like say some funny bit.

You know, like, you know. Hey, toots. Give us a kiss you know that old funny bit that women love no no just say something funny to her or yeah or acknowledge that i'm driving home and there's my friend and co-worker lauren so what happened what I don't understand from her perspective, she's walking along and a car just suddenly slows down. Oh, terrifying.

And the window lowers and all she can see is what I hope is what looks like a male figure. Not wearing any pants. And what I saw was you looked over and before you recognized

it was me, I saw the look. I saw a look of pure disdain, hatred. A lifetime. Reaching for pepper spray? Yeah, yeah. And then afterwards? But that look, and I immediately understood so many things. I know I'm in a bubble, but I understood so many things about, yeah, dude, don't slow down and lower the window at a woman on an overpass.

I'm like, but it's Laurie. I just wanted to say hi. The look you gave me, my penis went up inside my body and climbed up into my left ventricle and my heart. Where it was. It now resides. You are Milton Berle. Yeah. Oh, Jesus.

No, it detached. Oh, okay. It swam up. Yeah, it made its way up. Okay, okay. Little feet with sneakers on it. No, I was just. And I was like, oh, my God.

That look you gave me still. Withering. Sorry. Horrifies and terrifies me. It's effective though. But it works. Yeah. I thought it could have been Ellen, so.

She was constantly following you around. Yes. All right. I don't want to steal your whole thing. I just wanted to tell you again, I love you. You're one of the most talented, funny people I know. You're pounding the table. I am. I'm saying this the way Stalin of the most talented, funny people I know. You're pounding the table. I am.

I'm saying this the way Stalin thinks. Yes, yes. We're gonna have a five year plan. It ruins our agricultural base and starves millions. I will rival Hitler in the number of people. Wait a minute. Yeah, so I'm gonna have to figure this out. I love you too.

But God bless you. Yes, God bless you as well. All right, I'm going to get out of here. Thank you for that. That killer Emirates hunk. Well, we were just landing in Qatar when we left off. We were entering Qatar airspace. Right. And I was fascinated by it.

You had already done three U.S. shows prior to that. Yeah, I did. Like, I've been a comic for a long time. So through two Iraq wars. Two illegal invasions. Oh, you're the only one who benefited. It did work out for me. I love both Bush

presidents. Yes. You're always, you've always been very pro-war for purely selfish reasons. I always try to get a pro-war joke

in the monologue. Yeah, it was, it was just one trip. The first time was Kuwait and Bahrain. Oh, okay. And Iraq.

Yeah, it was, yeah. Oh, wait, there was another time. Oh, okay. And Iraq, yeah. It was, yeah. Oh, wait, there was another time. Oh, I went with Colin Quinn, too. We went to Iraq, yeah. Oh, cool. Oh, and you worked with him, right, on Tough Crowd? Yeah, we did a New Year's Eve

show in one of Saddam Hussein's captured palaces. What? No. It's kind of like a rom-tube. I thought you were going to say for Saddam Hussein, she's doing it for the wrong side! No one told me. I'll take any audience. Oh, that's a pretty crazy venue for a comedy show.

Did you really do it at? Yeah. I mean, we were supposed to go to a different place. I forget which cities it was. Either we were going to Mosul and Mosul was under attack. So we went to Balad or vice versa. But either way, we went to the wrong place because the right place was under attack. And so it wasn't really scheduled.

It was just sort of impromptu. There was a bunch of soldiers standing around, including General Ricardo Sanchez, who was then disgraced because of Gitmo. He was somehow involved with some abuses. It was an Abu Ghraib? Maybe it was Abu Ghraib. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Wow. What a come down from like two minutes ago. Oh, man.

Bring him back, please. If he hears Abu Ghraib, he'll knock down the door again. Did you get to use the shower in the palace? It's still not working. Damn. Yeah. Well, yeah.

So it was kind of, it was a lot of fun. But the the Qatar shows were like crazy. I mean, it was just one show for us,

but then just following Conan around while he did all the remotes in the base. That was the day after the I can't remember the order

of what we did stuff. It was the day after the live show. Okay. I think. Yeah. That he recorded two segments. Yeah. And you and the other comedian from the show, Brian Kiley.

Brian Kiley was the other monologue writer at the end. Helped out with those. Right. Just the two of us. Yeah. And John Mulaney also performed. Yeah. Right.

And Grace. What was her last name? Grace Potter. Grace Potter. Yes. Yeah. And Michelle Obama. And Michelle Obama performed.

Yeah. And we met. We did herself. We all met Michelle Obama for a few seconds. That was really neat. Oh, right. And Michelle Obama. And Michelle Obama performed. And we all met Michelle Obama for a few seconds. That was really neat. Oh, right. I know. Well, we'll get to that too.

Okay. Sorry, guys. No, no, no. I was going to say, so you had put together a USO set before. So I was curious how, I mean, I'm sure you tailor your set depending on your audience every time you perform. But how does a USO show affect what material you're performing? You have to be cleaner than you and the audience want you to be. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

They want, you know, they're at war. They don't care. But the upper echelon of the military likes it super clean. And then it was weird because at Qatar, there were a lot of women. But the upper echelon of the military likes it super clean. Okay. And then it was weird because at Qatar, there were a lot of women in the audience. There were a lot of female service members. So I was like, oh, I can probably do more stuff about being a mom. I bet there's a lot of moms here too.

Yeah, that's interesting. Before, in other wartime situations, it was only guys. So it was just lots of sex talk. Right. And dating jokes and stuff like that. And was that, you think, because this wasn't like a combat? Probably situation. It was.

That makes sense. Yeah. Because it was an established air force base. So they're more like a support base. Right. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. But they're always sober, you know. Right. And they have to be ready at a moment's notice. So they're never completely relaxed. You know, you never perform for a relaxed service member in a wartime situation. Yeah. Right.

So the laughs are like, and then they reset immediately. Yeah, because you're probably not, I mean, laughter, I'm sure, is not encouraged in like a military situation. It doesn't seem like it. Are they all looking over their shoulder like, am I laughing too hard? Yeah. I think they always just seem ready to run, you know? They just seem ready for an emergency call. So like after every laugh, it would be like either the next thing I'm going to hear is another joke or a

siren. You're making me realize all the standup clubs I played were coincidentally filled with military shorts, Takato laughing and running out the door. Yeah. Tense energy. I feel better now about my standup career. Thank you,

Lori. Yes. Didn't even know I was doing it. Well, no, energy. I feel better now about my stand-up career. Thank you, Lori. And your service to your nation. Yes, yes. Didn't even know I was doing it. Well, no, you did great. You're trying to say that they were ready to run, but I remember you killed. Yeah, it was a fun set. I think everyone had really good sets. They were excited.

But you also, you and Brian both helped Conan with his monologue. Yeah. So you were doing double duty. Yeah, I was watching it in the garage while I was waiting to come inside, you know, just to refresh my memory. And I'm like, oh, wait, this is one of mine. I recognized it.

Oh, that's good. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. It was about Conan and his two kids. Being a mother. Being a mother. Being a mom. And you also were so helpful. It was the classic thing of Conan was talking about monologue meetings.

Yeah. You were helping shape his jokes and what order they'd go in. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, he knows what he's doing, right? And so we're just adding a little bit of flavor. Yeah, yeah. No, but you had all these great notes about, oh, no, I drew this one earlier. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

It's just second nature. Oh, that's cool. I always feel like in that situation where it's not a regular TV studio audience, he's a little freer to be himself. Right, yeah. He's a little freer to be himself. Right. And so he can speak for himself a lot better than when you're in the straitjacket of the setup is a drudge headline. You know what I mean? And everything's being filmed. Yeah. And it's all from that day's news.

Yeah. It's not personal in any way. It's not personal at all. Yeah. So his monologue felt super personal on that show. Right. Just about being there and stuff like that, yeah. Which is great.

It was kind of a whole new premise for you and Brian to write jokes about in a way. And I guess he said he was offered the St. Regis Hotel and he decided to stay on the base. He was like an idiot. But wow, I was like, that got me thinking of a hotel. That must have been a nice hotel, St. Regis. Listen, I'm into luxury accommodations. Wait, is there really a St. Regis in Qatar? I don't know.

We all stayed on the base. Dubai? I mean, yeah, he was offered it. Right, right, right. Remember Dubai was like a 30-minute drive away. Oh, okay. Remember it was super close? You landed in, was it Dubai?

UAE. No, Doha. Oh, Doha. Doha. The city of Doha. They both start with a D. Well, they're very similar. And I like credit for that, please.

They're on the water. Yes. The city was built in the last 30 years since the advent of air conditioning. Uh-huh. Right. And then you cross the major highway and then it's just desert. The city ends. And you've entered pure desert. But it's so dark

at night. It is. The darkest you've ever seen. And then we just drove an hour through the desert and came to this base in the middle of it just seemed very random. He definitely could have stayed in a nice place in Doha and then come in and do it. And lied to them and said,

I slept on a cot last night. I slept on a cot in the St. Regis. He also forgot to mention the shower in his airport. Oh, no, he actually flew there with the First Lady. Oh, wow. On Air Force Three or whatever. Wow. Oh, that's right.

Because he said that when he was teeing up the teaser for it. He said that he flew with the First Lady. And I was like, oh, was the First Lady in our flight? But he wasn't on our flight. That's right. Right, right. They flew separately. So they could bond.

Yeah. Exactly. But he flew back with us. Go over his set. He flew back with us. So that's when he had the show. Yeah, after the show, she's like, okay, I'm done with all of you. She was so warm, though. Yeah. When you did have your

four or five seconds of eye contact, it felt like you'd made a lifelong friend. That's, I feel like that's how you know the real deal with, like, politician types.

Yeah. You know, they make you feel special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even if it's a fleeting moment. She was incredibly generous and charming. Yes, you just walked away.

Yeah. I hate to use the word dazzled, but she was dazzling. She's very impressive. Why do you hate to use that word? Because I'm so butch. It just doesn't fit my macho persona. Well, and we realized,

because you did a segment on Hillary and Chelsea Clinton's show for Apple. You've now met two first ladies. Yes, I know. I'm hoping Laura Bush is next. You know, it's weird because I haven't listened to Michelle Obama's newest book, but I've listened to interviews and she really talks about how hard it was to be married to Barack Obama before, especially before I became president, because he was just campaigning all the time. And she's basically raising the girls by herself and she's like over it. And it's, I love how honest she's being about how grueling marriage is

in her situation, which is a lot of women's situation. And I was thinking, wow, I'd love, would love to hear an honest Laura Bush account. Yeah. Because she's a librarian. She knows how to write, I'm sure. Yeah, we don't hear much from her. No, never heard anything from her

while he was president and after, not at all. I mean, that to me is my, the norm for first ladies where they just kind of tow whatever the line is to support their man. And it was refreshing to go, oh, you know what? I would assume it's a nightmare to be a first lady. What a nightmare. Even if the president's beloved. Right. Yeah. No, it just seems.

Cause it's not even your career that's, you know, it's like, oh, I'm still just kind of getting, having to be the supporting character. Yeah, I mean, like the first lady during the Trump administration, she chose red Christmas trees and everyone got mad at her. I mean. She couldn't win. Come on, cut us a break. Cut her a break. Cut her, yeah. And then, so you stayed on the base too. What, I mean,

what was the base like? It was pretty sparse. Yeah. It looked like a film set of a military base. I remember, I felt like we were, I was in a plywood doghouse. Oh yeah. Wow. And I knew it was probably a nicer one than the soldiers had you know you're the guest yeah and then did you get to go on the remotes because Conan did a few remotes while he was

there too I was on the dog remote yeah that was hilarious that was really funny Conan's had really bad luck with dogs. He was with a guard dog. Yeah. Well, one of the military dogs.

Yeah. And they trained them on the base. To attack people. To attack. And so they put him in all that crazy, it almost looks like a hazmat, except it's like three inches thick. It's like a stay-puffed marshmallow suit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they threw

him out there as bait for the dog that was training. And... It took him down. Well, yeah, they were like, okay, on the count of three, run as fast as you can. And it's really hard to run in that outfit. Right. I don't know why terrorists wear it, by the way. Well, yeah, that's a little bit of a...

Exactly. A little bit of a handicap. They like it to be even Steven. And I remember he was scared. I mean, it was like, whoa. Yeah. This will be funny, right? Yes, Conan, just, you do it.

He trusted you. We missed the shot. One more time. The dog was off. Yeah, Conan says in it, you know, this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in my career. Was it hard to convince him

to put the suit on? I mean, was Jeff there? Jeff Ross was there. And he was paying attention? Jeff Ross was in the same costume and he wasn't even, he was 40 feet from the event. That's what he golfed in. Right, exactly.

I wouldn't do it. Yeah, the golfing on the Qatar base is premium. It's always in the sand. Well, Conan got attacked by a guard dog when we shot a cold open for the Mexico show. And he had no... That was not on purpose. He had a business suit on. Yes.

Oh, Jesus. And it was... So I was thinking about that, that he, yeah, it's like, I mean, dogs know to attack. Dogs know when it's a talk show host? Yes.

Was it a German Shepherd? It was a, no, it was a Belgian Malinois. Oh, Jesus. How do you know that? Those are murderers. They're really scary. Yeah.

They're even scarier than German Shepherds. Yeah, they are. That's a police dog. And it was, you know, it was trained to chase after him, but it wasn't supposed to bite him. And then it did. Oh, my gosh. And it punctured the skin. Yeah.

Yeah. But it was a great take. It was a really good take. And it was funny to see the grimace on Conan's face from the drone shot. It was just a scratch. Yeah. But it was a great take. It was a really good take. And it was funny to see the grimace on Conan's face from the drone shot. Yeah, it was just a scratch. Right. From the drone shot, you weren't even nearby. No, we had to blow it up.

You're watching from a tower. I think he's writhing in pain, but it's hard to tell. Let's do it again, and we'll have the drone closer this time. No, I thought about that, because it is so often that you're like, oh, yeah, now put on the suit and you're going to go do the demonstration. It'll be funny. And it's right. But, you know, these dogs are trained. This is a real, real deal attack dog.

And they're not performers. No. And everyone handling that dog was very no nonsense. It was all just like, we're here to kill. Yes. To take down and go for the throat. Well, yeah. And I was watching. I mean, take down and go for the throat. Well, yeah,

and I was watching, I mean, So it was fun. He's used to puppies, right? Like, I was watching the puppy Conan's, which I always do during Super Bowl Sunday.

That was your bit. nice, yeah. But it was so, oh my God, I forgot so many. Can you explain what it is? So,

the idea was that the puppy bowl exists for people who don't want to watch the Super Bowl. Yeah, yeah. The halftime show. Yeah. Right? Or was it, or no, it was the whole thing exists for people who don't want to watch the Super Bowl. Yeah, yeah. The halftime show. Yeah. Right? Or no, it was the whole thing.

If you don't like football, you can watch puppy football, right? Like four hours. So, Courtney would be like, if you don't like my show, you can watch Puppy Conan instead, which makes no sense. But, yeah. Oh, my God. It was just, it was hilarious. Just the dog problems. The Chris Christie dog

took a dump on the stage. Wow, he was in character. He really did his research. And the little Justin Bieber dog just looks so scared. I mean, the dogs were so, the puppies were so well cast. But it just reminded me

of all those problems too if we can't have breeds intermingling. So some of the dogs were outside the set and some were inside. Didn't Andre end up with one of those puppies? Yeah, Moose is one of the dogs. Oh, yeah? Andre Dubichet, one of the other writers.

And we did it every year for like... Yeah, for a while. The other puppies were all put down. At Conan's request, which I thought was unnecessary. He wanted to watch. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. We're just joking. That's not true.

He adopted a puppy back in we had a dog character called the evil puppy. I remember the evil puppy. Yes. And he adopted it. The curtain would open. It was,

it was just the cutest Labrador puppy sitting. It was on like a red chair. Sitting on an evil satanic throne with Kermina, uh, Kermina Barana playing and, and, you know, to,

to Satan like attendees. And Kyle was like, I'm going to adopt that dog. Oh my God. It was great great that's great that's how most people end up adopting dogs sure

that's right put them in their sketch and then oh and then you went on the other shoot which we did right after the dog shoot the bomb disposal

the bomb disposal oh yeah that was really funny one yeah and just watching it's so weird when guys get around military toys and weapons. What's your observation? Just like, to me, I'm like, it's not that interesting.

Right. But men are heads of toe. Every man I've ever seen. They're so excited by how fast things go, how many things can be killed. It's nonstop. And even if we're not, we have to pretend. It's like,

you know, I watched the game. Yeah. Yeah. How many kills? Okay. It seems to be a trait that you can't, you can't exercise from a man,

right? Oh, all I think about is killing all the time. Everyone here has a target right in their forehead. Anyway, go ahead. I think you got excited by all that stuff too, right? Whatever you say.

I'm a man. There were a lot of interesting, I mean, there were sort of robotics that were set up to... Well, they had the robot that you can send to dismantle a bomb. Ordinance, right. I mean, yeah, that's that you can send to. To dismantle a bomb. Ordinance, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, that's nice. That's cool. Yeah. See, it's for ladies too. Ladies like killing as well. Please. I do need a dismantling robot every once in a while.

That's right. Well, Kona was joking too about, because he put on, there was kind of a bomb suit that you put on that he was joking about wearing during the monologue when his jokes bomb. I was wondering if you were there for that, Laurie. No, I just created the jokes that bombed. I didn't create the bomb suit. You're the inspiration. Yeah, yeah. Well, Lori, you also traveled. That wasn't your only time traveling with Conan because you did his tour in 2018. Yeah, that was super fun. Yeah. Where did you go for that? Oh, gosh. We went to Denver. We went to

Vancouver. We went to San Francisco, which is my hometown. Oh, right. Yeah. That's fun. Was there anyone there that you were, you know, happy to show up with Conan as sort of a revenge, like, revenge body? I had some friends from high school that I knew spread the word on Facebook. Okay, good, good. Yeah, just to let them know. Yeah. Yeah. Because that would be pretty validating, I would think.

Yeah, it was really cool. Yeah, I'm opening for Conan now. Yeah, that was my only time on a private jet. Yeah. That was really cool. Yeah, I'm opening for Conan now. Yeah, that was my only time on a private jet. Yeah. That was really cool as well. I have to thank Conan for all of my flying experience. It's all about air flight with you. Well, you came here today with luggage.

Are you coming from a road gig or are you going to a road gig? No, this is actually the suitcase Conan gave us. a road gig or are you going to a road gig or were you kicked out? No, this is the suitcase Conan gave us. Like, I love those. And I always bring, I'm super paranoid about getting COVID. So I bring an air purifier with me if I'm talking for a long time without a mask on. So I bring like, I'll bring that on the road and that's my little purifier.

And I just plug it in right next to the mic stand and it looks like audio equipment. It doesn't really bother me. And it makes me feel better. And maybe it's protecting me because I haven't had COVID. I can't believe you haven't had it. Because you perform a lot in nightclubs. Yeah.

So you figured it out. Have a ton of comics that you've been performing with on the road all gotten it i think a lot of people have it seems like going by their bits they all talk about yeah right right right yeah yeah that's yeah yeah so i don't know i mean i guess it's inevitable but i'm trying to delay it right right right yeah well you didn't use the air purifier here today so yeah, she did. It's right there. It's just so quiet.

That's amazing. Do you want to put in a plug for it? It's the black one. I have like several. Okay. Oh, so buy the black one. Well, you are doing... Do you want to plug upcoming shows? You have a lot of shows coming up. If you guys are in LA,

I'm taping a special at the El Portal Theater. Yeah, Theodore. Theodore Roosevelt. Another special, didn't you? Don't you already have an hour special? So you have a new hour? It's mostly new. Yeah.

Wow. The other one was on an album. So I think I've replaced like say 45 to 50 minutes of the material. Oh my gosh. Wow. That's amazing. You are so prolific. It's amazing. It doesn't feel prolific.

I feel like I'm always trying to catch up, you know, but yeah. And where will this special be? Comedy Dynamics is producing it. So then they fan it out to all possible places. Oh, that's great. Yeah. That's fantastic. Comedy Dynamics.

That sounds very aerospace oriented. JPL's comedy wing. Yeah. So that's the big thing, I guess. Yeah, that's great. I want to go to see the air purifier. It's the black one. Well, Lori, thank you so much.

It's really great to see you. Yeah, it's great to see you guys. I hope to see you on Conan's Commune someday. I know, me too. It was great seeing you today. Thank you to Lori Kilmartin and to a lesser extent, Conan O'Brien for joining us. Thanks, gang. That was fun.

And you know what else is fun? It's time for a listener question. Oh, that is fun. It is fun. A fan question. We love them. We do. Because then we don't have to try to think of things to talk about.

It takes up a lot of time. Someone else does it. Okay, this question comes from Tara Hayward. Hi, Jesse and Mike. So glad you're covering the remotes. You're welcome. When you're out, are the locals compensated for the things Conan takes or destroys? When I'm watching, I imagine there's a staff member who has the job of carrying around a big wad of cash to pay for everything quickly before someone gets mad.

With gratitude, Tara, Brooklyn, New York. Or after they get mad. That's when the cash comes out. Until there's a threat of violence, the cash comes out. That's an astute question, I think. It is. And it is exactly what happens. There's our producer, Jason Chalemi.

Jason Chalemi, yeah. Always has cash in the local currency. Whatever, if it's kroner or whatever it may be. U.S. dollars. Shells, yeah. He's got it. Whomp him. He's got it.

And he does exactly that because Conan will often pick something up. Yes. At a flea market or I don't know. We end up buying things. We end up buying a lot of things along the way. That some we think we're going to use again. And then Jason often ends up carrying them. Right. Things as well.

Every day on the shoot. he'll be like, you still need... Yes, just because if you don't bring it, Conan will want it that day. That's how it always works. That's the rule. So you have to... The only way to get him not to use it is to make sure you have it at all times. Right. But yeah, so we will go in.

And I mean, sometimes these things are kind of expensive. I know there's been... Like in Armenia, he'll pick up a painting and. I know there's been, like in Armenia, you know, he'll pick up a painting and then it's like, oh, that's $300. Okay, I guess we're gonna go for it. I would have held the line at like $20 for that painting. Yeah, we don't haggle.

Have we ever broken any? Like, have we ever had to be like, uh-oh, sorry, and run out? Well, I don't think so. I think we- Well, something think we paid for i'm being very jason would remember we haven't broken anything in the other room jason i feel like we have dripped things on the ground in location human sweat a lot of human sweat yes um and then there was famously a time that we spilled hot oil. Oh, that was good.

Who do you give that money to? Considering, I mean, you should say where it was. Well, we were in one of the holiest spaces. On the planet. On the planet. If you're a Christian. Yes, if you're a Christian. If you're a Christian, it is very holy.

In the town of Bethlehem in Palestine. And tent. And. It is very holy. In the town of Bethlehem in Palestine. And tent. And the spot where our Lord Jesus Christ was supposedly born. In the exact spot where he was born. I don't know how they figured this out four years later, but they did. They did. And there's a sort of chapel built there now. And there's these hanging lamps that are oil lamps.

It's kind of in the basement of the chapel. Like you have to go down all these stairs. You go down a bunch of stairs and there's marble floors. And there are many lamps full of hot oil hanging. And we didn't get out of there without overturning. Our sound boom hit one of them, which, you know, booms are tough to wield. To navigate. They're unwieldy. Yeah. And all of a sudden, hot oil came down. It was pretty warm. It came down on the audio guy and-

And I got doused with holy oil. Yes. Yeah. Like three different types of priests came by and were angry. Yes. Did we offer money? Like, hey, get yourself some. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Knock yourself out. Get some holy oil. Or if they just came through with a Swiffer after we were gone.

Yeah. Yeah. That was a good one. That was a good one. And other than that, we've been flawless in all our shooting. No, we owe this. Ah, Jason. Ah, Jason. Do you remember the most you've had,

where you've had to just like dig into your- Give money. Like throw money at something on the spot? Sometimes it's to get people to let us shoot. Shoot, sure. And a lot of times, if it's a chain, that's the worst. That's when it's, oh, they got to go all the way out. Yeah, yeah.

It's not going to happen. No. Yeah. That never happened. Like, it's not going to way up. Yeah, yeah. It's not gonna happen. No. Yeah. That never happens. Like, it's not gonna happen, right? That has to be planned way in advance. Right.

So we always go to, we look for mom and pop shops. Mom and pops, yeah. And, and like, with for sale signs. We look for failing businesses that are desperate and then,

and then we weed them. Yes, that's ideal. Yeah. Yeah. But you, I mean, you're, I always, I'm impressed with, You always have the money, yeah. You you, I mean, you're, I always am impressed with. You always have the money.

You always have the money and you're, and you're discreet about it too. You don't make a big, it's a nice kind of like, here you go. Thank you. At the end. Yeah. Thank you. It's not like. Everyone's like a maitre d'.

You're paying off. Well, because hopefully it's also fun for them. So that's just gravy. Like, I mean, we never cause problems, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's happy. It's so, is that, that's on your checklist every day before you go out?

It's like, oh, I need a big wad of cash. Yes. Wow. How much cash do you keep on you at any time? I normally leave for like $2,000 that I didn't change. Really? Do you say $2,000? Not daily.

I mean, for the trip. Yeah, yeah. For the whole trip. Okay, okay. So before we went somewhere, I would take $2,000 and change it as I see needed. So you're quite the mark. Yeah. We should get your picture out there and let people tip off where we're going to be next and have Adam.

Okay. Well, thank you. Well, thanks. All right. Thanks, Jason. No problem. And thanks, Tara. okay well thank you thanks Jason no problem and thanks Tara and hey if anyone else has questions for us we'll answer

oh yeah with help or without help from Jason so call us you can leave a message at 323-209-1079 or email email us at insideconanpod at gmail.com.

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jason's here i know i got nervous too when he walked in i got nervous too i know the last part you say what is it jason we love you oh that was nice i like it when he says it that was great inside conan an important hollywood podcast is hosted by Mike Sweeney and me, Jesse Gaskell. Our producer is Lisa Burr. Team Coco's executive producers are Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Engineered and mixed by Joanna Samuel. Our talent bookers are Gina Batista and Paula Davis with assistance from Maddie Ogden. Thanks to Jimmy Vivino for our theme music and interstitials.

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