Inside Conan: An Important Hollywood Podcast - Live from Just For Laughs 2019

Episode Date: August 2, 2019

Conan writers Mike Sweeney and Jessie Gaskell are live from Just For Laughs 2019! They are joined by Conan monologue writer Brian Kiley to talk about writing for Conan for 25 years. Then, SNL’s Chris Redd stops by to talk about hosting the CONAN360 broadcast at Comic-Con alongside comedian Moses Storm. Plus, comedian Cristela Alonzo drops by to talk about being so nervous for her first late night TV appearance on Conan that she forgot her name.This episode is brought to you by M&M’s Hazelnut Spread Chocolate Candies.Check out Conan Without Borders: Australia: https://teamcoco.com/australiaCheck out Conan25: The Remotes: https://conan25.teamcoco.com/Got a question for Inside Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone] and e-mail us at [e-mail] For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com

And now, it's time for Inside Conan, an important Hollywood podcast. Hello, everybody. Hi, how are you? Thank you. Thanks for coming. Are you all here for us? I'm really glad you're here. Wow. Or you just wandered into the wrong room i wish you'd introduce ourselves i'm mike sweeney i'm jesse gaskell we're writers on the conan show

and this is inside conan an important hollywood podcast yeah and we're glad uh you clapped for because we're like who's to be in the crowd? You know, so we're really excited you're here. And we're excited to be in Montreal. We are. Yeah. And excited to be in these chairs. Very comfortable.

It's all very exciting. Yes. So just to explain our show for anyone who hasn't listened before. We basically take you behind the scenes of how we make conan a late night show um it's as far as i know the only podcast that does that or wants to do it yeah they offered it to 20 other people before we said this i like to say that um it's like studio 60 but funnier or like 30 rock but less fun somewhere in the right that's kind of our sweet spot studio 60 man that brings me back i could talk about that show for hours and hours

well get your own podcast most Just let me talk about it. Is this your first time in Montreal? My first time in Montreal and in Quebec. How about you? Same here. How many of you are from Quebec? All right. Very nice. Very good. I was worried about coming back here. It's a nice crowd, I can tell.

Very nice. I was worried about coming back here because, speaking a nice crowd, I can tell. Very nice. I was worried about coming back here because speaking of Conan, in 2004, he did a week of shows in Toronto and they were great. But we brought a puppet with us called Triumph Insult Comic Dog. And his idea was to go to Quebec City

and make jokes about the separatist movement. And we were all like, we're all Americans in New York. Like, oh yeah, what could go wrong with that? So we unleashed him. He did it. We showed it to the crowd. The week was going great. And we showed it to the crowd on Thursday.

It killed with the crowd. The week was going great. And we showed it to the crowd on Thursday. It killed with the crowd in Toronto. And then we're like, this is fantastic. And then we forgot that it would be broadcast on television. And people were really angry. Yeah, you said that they were tabloids at the airport when Robert Smigel left. Robert Smigel was the voice of triumph. Leaving town and holding the puppet up.

And that was the front page. And also, I think people condemned the puppet in Parliament. Oh my God. That sounds like a great honor. That sounds like something our Congress would waste their time with.

Not the Canadian Parliament. You're supposed to be better exactly um but yeah no that was it was really bad press and i think and you've gotten some dressing down by canadians in the past i had a neighbor in brooklyn who i dreaded seeing them because years later every time i'd see her she'd go this woman is from Quebec and she's like my mother's still mad about the puppet sorry so let me apologize again if anyone here was offended yes you came here to throw exactly yes thank you I assume you accepted that apology but anyway it's great to be here in Quebec. It is.

Yes. We just spent a week. Last week, Conan was at Comic-Con in San Diego for the fifth year in a row, which is always a really fun time for us. Yeah. We don't get a lot of sleep. We go out a lot. Yeah.

The last night of Comic-Con actually was really crazy. The writers all rented this karaoke RV that I don't think is supposed to be street legal. It's basically an RV that's been outfitted with a karaoke machine and a bar. And we were just kind of like rolling around in it and trying to sing karaoke. And I have a vague memory of myself singing shallow from lady gaga that i really hope is not on tape anywhere someone taped it we should get that online i

would love to oh no there might be rights issues for the song though yeah and then afterwards i heard that uh because conan we did our last show on saturday night and then conan immediately i think left to go was he going with his family on vacation uh no i think he had to do a gig somewhere oh okay yeah he had to leave early but so he left saturday night but his hotel he still had his hotel room for that saturday and so somebody and i've been told to not name names, but somebody procured the key to his hotel room and invited the whole staff to have a party in Conan's hotel room. Wow.

And from what I heard, I mean, the minibar was raided pretty hard. That probably lasted four minutes. I know. And room service was ordered, and I just like the idea of whoever the hotel clerk was the next day thinking like, oh, that Conan really. Conan really knocks it back. He loves tiny bottles of vodka.

He binges and purges. Oh, well, that's good. Well, maybe in a future episode, we can talk about all the people who got fired for doing it. Oh, no. We'll keep you posted. So there could be openings at the show. I didn't name names. Yes.

That was a great week of shows, though. I feel like that was the best week. It was the best. Yeah. I think we all thought it might be our last week there. Yeah. Just because who knows when we're all going to die. Right.

Right. I mean, this could be our last podcast. It could. So let's have fun with it. Yeah. Should we bring on our first guest? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah.

So we've got Brian Kiley here. Brian Kiley is a writer on our show. Come on up, Brian. Give him an applause. Ah, throw this down there. Yeah. Brian has been a monologue writer for Conan for 25 years. Since 1994.

Don't look ashamed. Yeah. Six months before I was hired. No one lasts to that show. By the way, thanks for dressing much, much better than me. I really appreciate it. I have somewhere to go after this. I'll tell you that's not hard to do. I know.

I'm a slob. Thanks for having me. I don't get to talk to you guys except every day. Every day, yeah. We always have mics. That's true. We're in the meetings with mics. Brian, how's your day going? Yeah, so Brian is

a monologue writer on the show. And I would like to point out that my mom was from Montreal. Ah, very nice. A little thing. Outremont, I guess, but my pronunciation is terrible. Brian teaches a class in pandering. Yes. Yes, I do. And you guys would be great at it.

That was perfect. Thank you. I think that also helps make up for the triumph. Yes. If we had announced in the Canadian parliament. Right. Terrible. Okay. So no, we heard you were here at the Just for Laughs festival.

So what a fantastic booking. Yeah. How did you get me? Right, right, right. But you've really been with the show since the beginning. You've seen it grow and change. Well, I started six months in. Yes.

Yeah. Yes. A lot. Yikes. Conan's voice changed. Second year of the show yeah change is a relative term he won't hear this right right right and i just learned something from sweeney that when you first were hired you lived in boston i did and you commuted to work i did, my wife had a much better job than I had. And she was a VP of a company. Wait, what's a better job than a company? Well, she was a VP of a company.

Okay. That is a better job. Also, the Conan show was very shaky in the old days. And literally, I'd be reading the New York Post or the Daily News every day, and there were rumors about how the show was going off the air and who was going to replace Conan and all that stuff. So people were like, why don't you move here? It's like, because there might not be a here in a couple weeks, you know.

And yeah, so my wife had a great job and I just would commute. But we had like 10 or 12 weeks off. And also they let me work from home one or two days a week. So that made a huge difference. Oh, that's great. I didn't know that was a no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I ruined it for everybody, I think.

So what was that, the first six months of the show, Conan took over for Letterman back in the old days when there were only three talk shows, late night talk shows. And so that first six months, how could you even concentrate on work when you opened the paper that day and there are all these rumors? Oh, there was one time the accountant came by and she's like okay you guys have a TV you have two computers and they go she's taking inventory we must be going off the air and they had to call a meeting of the

show and go no they take inventory once a year we're not going off the air. Oh, wow. It was like, yeah. She was putting price tags on things. Right, right. I sold my computer on eBay. I didn't know that. Wow. So, wow. That's wild. So there were rumors just flying around

on the floor too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just based on someone counting television sets. Yes. It was that. That sounds like relaxing. And then at that time,

it sounds like the schedule was really crazy because probably if you were all feeling a little insecure, it sounds like the schedule was really crazy because probably if you were all feeling a little insecure, it's a lot of late nights and... Well, I was lucky being on the Mono because on the Monologue, we didn't have to stay late. Although they would have me stay late Monday nights and work on the desk pieces and whatever. So I do remember being there and it was after midnight and we needed one more joke and I came up with the joke so we could all leave, it was like homering to win the game in the bottom of the night.

It was like, but it was something of like self-preservation of like, I really need to go to sleep. So please. Um, yeah. Now, uh, uh, our head writer, Matt O'Brien has, he had this great idea. He has a little bell on his desk. It's so weird. It's weird. it's Pavlovian it is but but to end get out at night like someone has to come up with a group when there's always a closer for the night meeting

right you if you do the closer he'll ring the bell and ring the bell yes something gets a big laugh and he rings the bell and then everyone literally runs out of the yeah that's true runs's true. And runs to their car. But you'll see, like, sometimes one of us will say something kind of funny, and he'll sort of reach, but not quite get there. He'll change his mind halfway. No, that wasn't important. That's what I suggested. Yeah.

Well, we should have that here for this podcast. And so what are you up here? Why are you, what brought you to the i actually i shot a web series with my friend mary gallagher and we she's a comedian she's a comedian and she's an actor also uh so uh we shot this thing and then it got picked to come here to pitch for the short panel for the for web series oh that's cool yeah yeah. So that was kind of cool. So you're finally trying to get another job? Oh, thanks. It's like the bell rang, I feel.

Oh, so you're finally trying to get another job? Yes. I mean, well, I've been trying for 25 years. And so you pitched it already? We did, yeah. Wow. So is it just like a private meeting or something? I read some things where they have...

No, this is a pitch in front of... This is like a public pitch. Really? Yes, there was an audience there. And then there were like executives. And it was like... It was, yeah. It was...

Was it like America's Got Talent where they do the X? Chairs turn around. It was kind of like that. And then Simon Cowell was there for some reason. He's also pitching a show. He's on the way back. Oh, wow. Well, good

luck with that. I guess you have to wait a while to hear what happens. Here's the thing about show business. Nothing happens. You keep waiting for something to happen and yeah and nothing happened right right right yeah that's what keeps you in show sure it's always like you pitch and it's just this void and then right yeah well but you obviously must love working with Conan if you've been there as long as you have

sure no no no I do actually it's everyone I do, actually. It's really fun. And I mean, it's gotten less stressful, I think. Don't you think? I think so. Yeah. I hope so. Well, now the show's a half an hour. I mean, now the show's a half an hour.

A lot of people say I was a lot different. But really, I feel like all we did was they got rid of the second guest. Yeah. But we'll get meetings, and we'll write the jokes all day, and then we have the meeting, and he goes, I don't have time for a monologue. It's like, what? Or they'll do a monologue, and it goes well, and they go,

ah, the guest went long, so we cut out the monologue. Right, after the show. Like, I don't know that I still work at the show, actually. Well, and you've talked about that with us before, that it's a real volume business being a monologue writer, and you have to just, you know, you can't have anything be too precious. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You can't be like, I love this, he's got to do it. You know, you have to just go, okay. It's just abandon them once you come up with them. Yeah, I mean, people, I think, are always shocked to learn, but basically one-t tenth of what you usually write a daily output of jokes will get on the internet. It's like you're a sea turtle and you're laying

all of your eggs and then only a couple of them are going to make it to sea. Conan is the bird that picks them off on the way to the water. I have two good jokes a day, so if I write 20 jokes, he'll pick two. And if I write 20 jokes, he'll pick two. And if I write 50 jokes, he'll pick two.

Oh. I would write five jokes. I should just write two. Yeah, exactly. And you and Laurie Kilmartin. Yes, it just sounded like Laurie Kilmartin. Also, it's interesting that you two both still actively do stand-up all the time too

which she does more stand-up than anyone in the world she does a lot and she takes care of her mom and her son right

and she's I think my theory is there's like six Laurie Kilmartins right and you ignore your family so I mean

she's amazing yeah see you back are you and you're doing stand-up while you're here in Montreal I am I'm doing Andy Kindler's show tonight So, I mean, she's amazing. See you back. And you're doing stand-up while you're here in Montreal, right? I am. I'm doing Andy Kindler's show tonight. Oh, great.

Yeah, so at midnight. Oh, okay. I've got like three naps after this. Well, you do. You're a regular napper. I am a regular napper. Can you tell us about your nap schedule? Well, I get migraines. It's one of my things.

That's one of your things? Like a hobby? Yeah. I thought that would kind of be interesting to get migraines. When did you start getting your migraines? I started getting them probably, I was probably at the show around six years, and I started getting migraines. And I didn't get them as, I was like in my late 30s when I started getting migraines.

And I went to the doctor, and I thought there were signs of headache. He's like, when I started getting migraines. And I went to the doctor and I thought there were signs of headache. He's like, oh, you got migraines. So I had certain triggers like caffeine and chocolate, red wine. Oh, all the good things. Sex. A fond memory. Any experience of joy, whatever. I've just realized that I've been with the show for five years.

You're one more year. So next year I'll start getting my migraines. At six years in, you get your migraines. Yeah. I got adult acne at six years in. Is that true? Yeah. It's very stressful.

Very stressful. Well, do you ever think like, oh, maybe this job is causing it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. It's a trigger oh yeah yeah there's a certain amount of pressure for someone says go in that room and think of funny things yeah every day and some days yeah I don't really feel like it right you know get in there so as a stand-up like I'd write some you know I'd write jokes every day but some days are like can't think of anything and then I'd go to whatever but here it's like well go think of something so yeah there is

that and also some i mean but the monologue it's all about the news so sometimes like tragedies are dominating the news right when i was first on the show i was there for a couple months and everything was fine and then there was the oklahoma city bombing and that was just dominated the news that's all the papers were about and so conona had to come up and do a topic of monologues so you know in usa today they have the little state by state and this is before the internet that's how like we didn't we weren't even oh yeah were you getting you were getting newspapers come out with the usa today and we the state by state thing So Kona would come out and be like, so did you hear about this comptroller in Toledo, Ohio? And everyone's like, no, what are you talking about?

But we couldn't touch any of the big stories. So it was like, you know. You're going to hear about them now. Yes, exactly. But we still kind of do that, don't you think, that we avoid some of the bigger Trump-related stories? I mean, I do think there's a little bit of Trump fatigue, and I think people feel like that sometimes.

So when we don't have to talk about them, we don't. Do you guys have Trump fatigue? Yeah. And I think the audience is like, oh, thank God. We want to talk about the chicken nuggets that were returned on the highway. Whenever the McRib was back,

that was like a big story. The McRib's back, guys. That's story the McRib's back guys that's fantastic that was a renaissance for the show where does it go when it goes away I don't know I guess I think there's a room with shamrock shakes and McRibs and they seal it and they vault it up

it's better than Trump jokes there were nights where like four or five shows do the same joke. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because there's all these people in a room. Yes. Dealing with the Trump story du jour.

But that's happened for years. I remember when I was first on the show, we did a joke that Letterman and Lena, it was a joke. It was Madonna's birthday. And the joke was, what do you get for the woman who's had everyone? And every show did that joke. yeah wow so that happens a lot that there's kind of group think absolutely and actually with when they were used to be four monologue writers we'd come to the meeting and sometimes all four of us would have the same joke and sometimes I wouldn't and everyone else would not be like why didn't I think of of that? And Conan got to say no four times.

No, no, no, no. Not doing it. We're out of time already. Yeah, we are. Yes, we have two more guests. We do. We're plowing through it. And thanks so much for having me.

Yeah, thank you, Brian. I hope you sell your show. Thanks for coming. Brian Kiley, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Kiley. Beautifully dressed. Whoa. Thank you.

Applause is not a trigger for Brian. We're writers. We're very clumsy. So lots of applause for Brian. So next up, we have one of the stars of SNL, you guys. Very exciting. It's Chris Redd. Chris Redd. you guys very excited it's Chris red Chris red

hello people all these shorts oh Canadians are very comfortable with their bodies I like that I like that. I like that too. I don't know why I said it with that tone. I like that too. So gross. On accident. How are y'all? Good, how are you? Good to see you again. Man, I'm awake.

Thanks for that. I didn't think I would be. Did you go hard last night? I go hard every night. Okay. I still can't. Yeah, 4 p.m. podcast. Yeah, why do we have it so early? I know, man.

And this is one of the later ones. There was one at like 11.30 this morning. What does that even look like? I don't know. I don't know, but it was in this room. This is a nice conference room. Yes, it is. I wanted to shit on it.

We can get a lot of work done in here. Or like a casual seance. Now, we have not left the building. Have you left this? Like the whole... It's all just festival people. Festival is all. The entire building is a festival.

I've been to all the festival. I've been to all the mall. There's a mall here. Oh, we did go to the mall. It's been to all the festivals. I've been to all the malls. There's a mall here. Oh, you did go to the mall. It's like Snowpiercer here. I watched half of that movie. So it is like half of the mall

is like that. Nah, it's cool. Is this your first time at Just for Laughs? No, I was on New Faces in 2016. Oh, cool. I was nervous and not confident. And now I know everybody. And I'm more broken.

But I'm playing. I'm not. I am. We were looking at the New Faces list for today. Yeah. And we were trying to imagine how that's got'd be really nerve-wracking you're like this five minutes could make my career or not or or it could just be another show right yeah that's where you have to get yeah so you know but no it's like there's no way of of being able to

be comfortable enough with just like oh yeah this is everybody in the industry's in one room this ain't no big deal. Yes, it is. And then you do it, and it's like, we do well. It's like, all right, cool, if you don't do well. Can I say that? Well, probably no one's going to remember. Probably no one will remember unless you really like,

unless you shit your pants on stage or something. Matter of fact, I think shitting your pants will get you a Netflix deal. Oh. That was amazing. So brave. Well, let's try. Nope, I already pooped. I say poop now.

I'm getting older. So you came here in 2016. We got to know you in 2017. Was that when you did stuff for us at Comic Con? Me and Moses Storm, we called ourselves Red Storm because we're not creative. But yeah, we did. We hosted the digital 360 digital broadcast for the Conan Con building, which was on a roof. And it was like 95 degrees. And things were melting. And it was me and Moses cracking jokes.

It was like, OK, we're going to send a bunch of celebrities up here. I'm like, up here where it's uncomfortable? I'm like, I wonder who wants to come up here uh and then Conan came out there well Conan came every every single day he was always supposed to go one time just to see it but then he felt bad when he saw the conditions I think he felt like we were homeless yeah uh no but we just started riffing a bunch and uh and he was only supposed to say like a couple things he ended up being up there for like 10 minutes up until the show started and then he would come up there every day and that that made it really cool and then we did get to see some people come up there uh like will smith was in the building he didn't come up there uh he doesn't just knowing he was in the building he

did not will was will was i've never will smith was it was the first time I saw somebody be famous and love every minute of it the way you think somebody. The way I think Will Smith would love being Will Smith, he does. And it's so dope. He's not cocky, but everybody's like, Will! He's like, yeah! And I was like, we were all here! And I was going up to Will like, Will! And then I think his PR person stiff are be like it was a hey What you want with will like not a soul?

Well, that's more like secured. Yeah, we'll have fun and be nice because he has his security to yeah Away from him. Yeah, exactly. You know, I was it was really fun, man. I was so long ago I don't I know we had some people loved it for sure I don't remember who we had some people out there for sure. I don't remember who we had up there. Conan was like the biggest. I just wanted to riff with Conan. And I was able to do that every day.

So everything else was easy. And then we just had to perform around this 360 camera a bunch, which was weird. It was all like a fisheye view. It was like a Missy Elliott video the whole time. But also, that's creative. I think that was like new ATheye view. It was like a Miss Yelley video. But also that's creepy. I think that was like new AT&T technology. So they were... I think maybe they shelved that since then. Did they shelve the 360?

I don't think maybe 360 anymore. I mean, it's so weird. It was a weird thought to be like, you can see things but also the ground. Why do you care where we're standing on you can stare into the sun if you i just turn wherever you also you had to wear cardboard glasses like that kind of undercut how cool the technology yeah you're wearing cardboard glasses you see you're seeing nothing

but cardboard no were they cardboard for real i think so Those are the ones they gave out. I mean, you can get nicer VR apps than that. They gave out cardboard glasses. That's great. That's, that's, that's, that's fun. So, I didn't get any

cardboard glasses. I looked for footage of that before this and it's, it's been cleaned from the inside. Oh yeah, it's like the giver,

the book. It just burned that. You know, never. Did your managers do that? Did they have they have uh no they were just called the people no i mean i liked it i i wanted to re-watch it but you have to watch like the whole broadcast they didn't have right because it was streaming it was just constant yeah it was

you were having to perform constantly yeah we felt bad because we just knew like we're in this air-conditioned theater and you know that occasionally it's the monitor. We were like, we should go check on them. You guys out there just broiling. But we're not going to.

Yeah. It got like 98 degrees at one point and the sun was like, there was some shade but the sun was setting at just the right place where we were just getting beamed.

And I'm sure there's footage of at least an hour of us going dog is so hot bro like no jokes at all just sweat and i was just like yo how long i was long how much they paying no no it was fun man like it was and once we got inside and we got to really like talk to like some of the crowd because the crowds are crazy for those they are crazy they're amazing and so rabid that was super dope and once i went inside and downstairs out in the front where all the people and all the stars coming in and we just got to like just play games with people and give away stuff i didn't want to go back to the roof i was like no i don't want to i don't want to go

please don't make me go back up there. How did we find you for hosting that? Oh, me and Moses were doing shows together all over LA. A Red Storm show, which basically we just both do duo stand-up. Have a line-up and then we do some sketches and stuff. I think J.P. Buck. J.P., yeah.

And J.P. scouted me like Russell Simmons. He's not the crowd for a Russell Simmons show. But it's going to kill when I bring it back to my cousins. They was like, ha, I see what you said, bro. But yeah, JP was just standing in the back, you know what I mean? Like, damn. And he brought us in. I love JP, man.

And we kind of just worked out a deal. We got to just host this thing. And me and Moses were definitely down, you know, they're calling fan, right? And so I get a second they offered it was like hell. Yeah, let's do that. Oh great and then a month later You got SNL which is right about that. It's not a mom Just play yeah Honestly the second I walked off that roof, I landed in that shit. Yeah, yeah. Will Smith saw you get stiff

armed and said, that guy should be in this. I want to imagine Lorne Michaels was watching all the live 360 footage. Lorne Michaels honestly was on the roof. With his glasses. And helicopter. And he was like, come on, kid. And then that was it.

It was pretty, yeah, a few months after. But that was one of the things I was going to be missing out on is coming back and working with Conan and Moses and them all the time. But, you know. I think it worked out okay for you. It worked out pretty well. Yeah. It's not bad.

Now, let me ask you this. Performing here as a new face in 2016, just going through that firmament, did that kind of help a little bit when you auditioned for SNL, or was it still not as good? Oh, I mean, yeah. Doing showcases like this big, that definitely helps you get more comfortable just showcasing on those high pressure levels right for sure yeah because like once you do that you just realize oh i just got to just do the thing i'm always doing right anyway and then i just got closer into being more

comfortable just right always like you know you can trust yourself more than anything else right right so it's like as long as i i know what i'm gonna to do, however it plays out, I'm still going to be doing what I do. But isn't the Saturday Night Live audition in front of a really small group of people? Yeah. It's a bunch of ghosts. Unusual. It's like the producers and everybody in New York are performing on the stage. I had never seen the stage in person.

So I'm like, oh, in person so I'm like oh what so I was like oh I'm ready for this and I walked into the room and I was like oh man whoa this is crazy and they're like in the shadows you don't really see them which is preferred I don't want to like tell a joke and then have to look

dead in somebody's eyes like do you agree that seems terrible right right you you're laughing aren't you uh but i had fun man you know i just got my mic and just did my thing and uh both times the one time i didn't get it uh i had fun auditioning when i didn't get it that wasn't as fun uh but then the second audition was i had way more fun it was way looser and i got it and that's fun as hell yeah when you win but it's also nice to hear i mean i think sometimes people don't uh don't realize that like often you audition multiple times before you get hired somewhere yeah it doesn't just happen magically yeah a lot of the times you audition and you don't

get it and then you're at home and you have to watch somebody who got it and that's crazy because i've never went like for a job at tj maxx and didn't get it i had to go back and see the dude who i was folding the clothes i was supposed to fold yeah like damn he does fold them tight bro bro yeah but it was it was cool though man like it's uh i don't know like audition is it's hard but it's also like yeah i don't know what the fuck my point is my point is no i do my point is like it's cool it's i never i never fret about auditioning because it's like if if i'm gonna get it if it's for me it's for me if's not, at least you get better at fucking studying shit. That sounds very healthy. I am prolific.

And when you got hired on SNL, did Conan give you any advice? Because he worked there a long time ago. No. No. He talked to me a little bit before the audition and um and and when I started there I kind of just wanted to see it for myself I knew a lot of people who did the job and everybody kind of like gave me a little two cents here and there but it was really just kind of like you have to go through that first year just you know everybody understands what you're talking about when you

call them an issue I remember like, like, I was stressed out. I had been there two months. And I called Andy Sandberg. And I was like, Andy, I've got to talk to you, man. Like, this is crazy. And he's like, how long have you been there? I'm like, two months. And he's like, for real, man?

I'm like, all right, I'll hang up. I'm a piece of shit. And then it all worked out. So you just assume that it's going to be really hard for a while. Yeah, it's a boot camp, man. It's like, well, the best boot camp of all time. But it is a boot camp nonetheless. So you're just getting adjusted.

Everybody has to get adjusted to it. So you just got to know that. Yeah, because the schedule is insane. Yeah, it's definitely crazy. Is it two weeks on and then one week off? It switches, but that's like the normal is like two weeks on, two weeks off, two weeks on and one week off. Sometimes three weeks on and then one week off, two, depending. But during the weeks that you're on, can you walk us through what the schedule is like a little bit?

Yeah, Monday is like you pitch to the host and then Tuesday, we're all in a room. We're just like throwing pitches at this famous person, and they're like, what is going on? And then the next day, they walk them around, and we pitch either the idea that we pitched before or the real idea. And they see if they like it and they wanna do it. And then if they do it, we start writing it. And then Wednesday, and that writer's night lasts all night. And then- That's Tuesday night, right?

That's Tuesday night. Everyone's up all night. Yeah, then Wednesday you gotta get in by 12. And then you have the table read and that's like four hours. And from there- And that's just a huge pile of scripts right yeah and they just work their way yes like 40 like right them out loud like 38 to 40 strips so if your script is towards the end of that four hours like there's no way it's getting laughs well you don't know but you would you would think. Yeah. That exactly.

And sometimes that. But sometimes you'd be surprised, man. People would be tired and then you'd catch a haymaker funny script. Like, holy shit, this is amazing. Wow. So you should never know. You know what I mean? I've gotten some stuff I've written that had been the last thing you heard. And sometimes

it always depends on when the first few times you get a sketch on the show where you're like, I want to be at this. I want to be at the end so I can headline. You know what I mean? You become superstitious about it. Yeah, and then it doesn't work again and you're like, oh,

shit. When you read the pile, does everyone, like each sketch, does everyone know who wrote it? Oh, yeah, they put the names on there. All right, okay, so everyone knows. Just so you know who's failing. Okay, exactly.

Or who's winning. No, they do put the names. It's so cool because you get to see how people are stretching themselves. Or if you like their style, you're just looking forward to it. You know what mean it's it's cool to know who who wrote things but you know who to compliment too are people good laughers in that room or are they kind of stingy with the laughs ah you know i've heard different yeah everybody has different takes

on it i still work there, so. Enough said. This isn't for broadcast. People laugh when they want to laugh. And when they don't want to laugh, they not. That sounds so hard. Like at Conan, when we read pitches out loud, the head writer reads the pitches, they're all anonymous.

It's anonymous. And you don't find out until it's getting produced. I feel like that's a residue of him working at SNL. I bet it is. Oh, it probably is. I bet it is. Everybody that leaves this place has something they do in their jobs now where it's like,

I do this because I had to do it there. Yeah. And I don't want to do it here. There's like trauma, PTSD. Yeah. That's good, though. You know what I mean? That's a fun way to do it. I mean, I like knowing who to do it again. There's like trauma, PTSD. Yeah. That sounds good though. You know what I mean? That's a fun way to do it.

I mean, I like knowing who wrote stuff though. No, that, you really have, that sounds a lot harder. You have to be accountable. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, you do. You can't send some of the bullshit pitches that I send in. Yeah. Well, it's just, it just only sucks when it's like,

your sketch is bombing and there's like six more pages left. And you're just like looking at people like, I'm so sorry, guys. Can we just all agree this is trash? Does anyone ever do that? Just like, okay, we've just stopped. No, you can't do that.

You just gotta like, you gotta trudge along. Oh, man. Yeah, it's good for you oh yes it builds character it builds character it's good for i'm you know i mean it's like you're young you have it in you now and then yeah you know then you get old and you die yeah exactly just calling back your joke that's right we could die any day now. Chris, I want to ask if you're ever, like are there any celebrities that you're rooting to be in the news or like politicians you're kind of hoping have a longer career

because you want to be able to play them? Oh, ooh, that's a good question. Nobody I'm rooting for. I'm not like, please do something. I can always count on Kanye. Yeah. He fades away and then you know he's going to come back. He's just cooking something up.

He's strategic about how he decides to disrupt the world. Pretty reliable. And I like that. You know, I really want Wesley Snipes to just do something. Oh. I would just love Wesley to come. Just do something. Yeah. You know, love Wesley to come. Just do something. Yeah.

You know, they're making a new Blade, and it's not Wesley. I can't believe that. I want to know what Wesley feels about this. Yeah. He'll have a cameo where he'll play, you know, Blade. Oh, he'll play old Blade? Yeah, exactly. Old Blade.

Old Blade. I did my taxes this time. Dull Blade. Yeah, is he not allowed to live in the US anymore? Wasn't he not allowed to come back for a long time? He could be here I think he is in the wings I don't know if he wasn't allowed to come back

I don't know what his deal is Does anyone here keep up? Does anybody know Wesley Stein's person? No. He was cool with it? What the fuck? Who are you? How do you know that?

Yeah, he gave his blessing and everything. Is this Wesley Stein's PR person? Wesley only sent his PR person like, make sure they don't talk shit about me. Meanwhile, Wesley doesn't have a telephone.

All right, he's cool with it. Cool. I'm going to research that. You look like you know what you talk about. I work for Marvel, by the way. You work for Marvel? I feel like you shouldn't be saying that if you do. That's not how they operate. No.

Can't you just tell people that? Well, Chris, our time is up with you. It's crazy. It went by so fast, I know. It did. But we will all just be praying for Wesley Snipes. You all should pray for Wesley Snipes. Seriously.

Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Thank you very much. Chris Redd, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. That's great. Yeah. I hope he's enjoying his summer off from work. I know, by partying in Montreal.

Exactly, exactly. Well, we have one more guest. We do, and she is a real Just for Laughs veteran, a veteran of Conan. Her seventh time up here. She was the star of her own sitcom and has a book coming out. We have a lot to talk to her about. Cristela Alonso.

Big hand for her. Oh, she's right here. Thank you. What's up? Thanks for being here. Oh, you know how to work that chair. Look how comfortable you are here. Look at you.

I can tell you've been here for three weeks. You said you've been here. I've been here for like almost a month, and I have four more days to go. Wow. I have been deported to Canada. You're seeking asylum here. I am. I am.

Please don't send me back. But this is your seventh time at Just for Laughs? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. You must count. That's amazing. Well, you know, well, I was saying. You don't have a tattoo for every time you've been at Just for Laughs?

I'm going back in. JFL, actually, I keep track of it because I was saying I never got new faces. So I actually auditioned doing stand up. I auditioned for new faces like six, seven years in a row where I was no longer a new face. At this point, they're like, yeah, we know who you are. And I had, you know, when you're a comic coming up, you want new faces. There's certain things that you're like, I want this. If I get this, it's going to lead to this.

And I didn't get new faces. And I thought, man, like, what do I do now? And then I want to say two years after I stopped trying, I got offered to do the ethnic show, which is so weird. There's a show called the ethnic show which is so weird there's a show called the ethnic show you know i'm just like i think i've toured with jfl before and they do call people of color here like ethnics and it seems so weird like i've heard people like hey you're ethnics and i'm like okay but i did the ethnic show uh yeah like six seven years ago and then i came back this year to host the ethnic show. So it's kind of been kind of cool to go from not having new faces. Yeah, you leapfrogged over new faces.

Yeah, to like hosting the longest running show in the festival. That's great. Awesome. Yeah. Very nice. Yeah. And it's still called Ethnics. It's still called Ethnics, yes.

Well, maybe that'll be your next move. What? Trying to protest? To rename the next show. We are comedians of color. Yeah, I mean, what would be what would you think would be better?

How about just having a regular show? Just the comedians. It's weird because it's just like, well, she's funny for a Latina. It's like, she's got jokes, but you have to laugh at an accent. You know, it's like, she's got jokes, but you have to laugh in an accent.

You know what I mean? Good luck. Yeah. And Christella, you've been appearing on Conan for a long time as well. My first appearance

on Conan was, I want to say, July 2012. That was the first time. I believe you. Yeah. That was the first time. I remember the first time i remember like it was my

first late night set i had never done late night and uh i was so nervous i had been doing stand-up about oh god at that point about 10 years and i had never tried to do like late night ever because there was an uh an old agent that I used to talk to that always said, um, you need to be ready when you have your first shot. Cause I'll always remember your first shot. So I never thought my set was ready for late night. So then I got the chance to like,

I got the chance to submit. And at that point I had been working on this stupid five minute set for so long. And I recorded it at my home club, which is comedy and magic club in Hermosa beach. And I recorded it at my home club, which is Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach. And I sent it in. Anyone? No.

I was just like, and I was just, I'm like anti-pandering, like Brian, I don't get it. But you know, I turned in my set and JP Buck called me.

I want to say it was like maybe not even a week later later I was in Indianapolis at this hotel working like working the road I was in my hotel I just bought one of those like like dinner for one kind of meals at the store I had microwaved it I was eating it and I got the call and I remember taking a picture of me just so pathetically in this hotel room that was just so nasty and stuff and i'm like this is the moment i found out i was gonna be on conan and i i got on it and i didn't get any notes and jp told me to just do the set as i turned it in and you killed i i watched that set this

morning actually i was so nervous that i and i forgot my i forgot my name yeah i noticed that i was gonna ask so i said good night i'm like good night my name is uh, I noticed that. I was going to ask about that. So I said goodnight. I'm like, goodnight. My name is Alonzo, Cristela Alonzo. I was so nervous. I was going to ask about that and I didn't want to embarrass you because it's obvious that that's what happens.

It's so cute. It was so bad. I was so like, bitch, what is your name? I could not remember it. And I was just like, oh, it's, ah. And all of my friends just texted me like

dude how you forget your name you know and i'm like i was so nervous well especially after you had done so well but it's just like you just had one dismount left i had the only thing i had to do was remember my name yeah that was the only thing you get so nervous you want to remember your bits as you're doing it but then I'm like at the end of the joke I'm like boom done it and then I'm like who am I like who am I

it's crazy I would think the scariest moment would be right before that curtain don't they put you right behind that curtain it's so frightening there's two guys there it's really weird because also I love It's so frightening. It's like being at the top of a water slide. Like one of those crazy water slides that go straight down. It's really weird because also I love, I was such a big fan of Conan that you don't want to disappoint him in a way.

I came up, I was a stand-up nerd my entire life. So when I was a kid, I wanted to do The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. And the moment he retired and I was like eight or something i'm like well that's not gonna happen who's gonna replace now what yeah you know and then uh and then i wanted to do letterman so i ended up uh doing panel with letterman i want to say the last month that he did the show oh that was like iconic for me but like conan for me was always someone that i really respected as a comic and just as a person like you know and for me there was just so much respect when you respect someone you want to do so well in front

of them and it's true that the moment where you like open the curtain you don't know how it feels because you're just there and you're like oh man like I hope people laugh and it was really nerve-wracking and people comics always ask me because i had a good set they're like you know do you have any tips for doing late night especially conan and i always say uh remember that you're performing for the people in that room not at home yeah so you got to actually make sure that the audience in that room gets you the cameras that you're never gonna don't worry about you're playing to no one then like you got to make everybody in that room feel like that's special and also i always tell people i think it's exciting when you see a comic that's nervous

or excited show that they're nervous and excited right because yeah it's a special moment it's like when you see old clips of comics that are like doing like carson and stuff you see their first time and you see that moment when they want to be called over to sit with Johnny and it's that thing where you know, I was so happy and so excited and so nervous that you could see it in my face and it was like the coolest thing ever and After that, I mean Conan was like Conan was life life changing for me. Oh, really? Was that a big launch point for you? I did my first set July 2012. And then I had just met a producer that wanted to do it. She wanted to talk to me about a TV show, but I didn't know that's what I was doing.

Like she did it like they just my agent said, hey, do you want to go meet with this woman, you know, to meet her? And I was like i guess and the next day i went and i had already told my agency how i had grown up and they thought my life story was interesting so they're like tomorrow i'm going to meet this woman just repeat all the stories that you told us today and we'll but they didn't want you to be nervous yeah you're right so i was like okay and i went and met her and I told her like my life story. And then I told her that I was doing Conan. I did Conan, had a good set.

She got my Conan clip and sent it to 20th Century Fox who produced my TV show. They got on board with me. They sent it to the president of ABC at that moment. And that's how I got a development deal to get my tv show wow it was from conan oh my god that's fantastic that's great and it's weird comics always conan know that because i feel like he should have cashed in on that i told him but he's never used it like i told him i'm like i and i you know it's funny because

comics always say that there's uh that when do late night, nothing ever comes of it. And I was like, I wouldn't I'm like proof that it does. Like I it was amazing. I I thank Conan so much for everything because that set really it changed my life. So every time that I had the chance to go on a show, I did because I always thought like I wouldn't have been there if it hadn't been for Conan you know and you were talking to like Brian Kelly and Laurie Kilmartin they do stand-up and we see each other at the clubs and it just felt so comfortable to actually see comics at the show and then I had already known a lot of people from the crew for Conan because I had worked with them on other shows so it was very familiar and very inviting and I mean seriously Conan for me like that was it Conan changed

everything for me so like for me every time I think I Conan is one of the people I owe everything to and JP I mean obviously you know he's the guy that that allowed me to be on the show and it's just so it's so special you know it was awesome well you also did a little bit of it yourself uh i mean it sounds like the fact that it took you said 10 years yeah of doing stand-up because that's i think generally what people say it takes it takes 10 years to become an overnight success yeah yeah yeah definitely but that was like you were at the point that then that you were ready for it all yeah yeah yeah i think you know it's weird because it's uh like this is just really nerd

stand-up talk you guys so like i i ended up doing conan i ended up doing college gigs and the last year that i did colleges i booked 130 colleges from like august to may which is a stupid amount and um i went on the road by myself just doing everything and it just it put me to this thing where i was doing colleges every night i was doing an hour so it's like an hour open mic so then when i had done conan i was so ready to just go out and do everything because i had and then you went from five minutes to an hour well i had already been doing time but you know you know like i made the jump from feature to headliner yeah the 30 to 45 jump you know what i mean and then the 45 to hour which is really like that was a big blessing because not a lot of people get to do that you know yeah college you have to do an hour dude colleges how is college i did the one

of the worst colleges i ever did was i'm not going to name it but it was a community college and i had to do a nooner so that's like the stand-up during lunch lunch time a lot of colleges don't tell the car like they don't tell their students that there's going to be stand-up during lunch. Lunch time. A lot of colleges don't tell the, like they don't tell their students that there's going to be stand-up. So it's like a cafeteria and they're eating lunch. It's a cafetorium. That one was a cafetorium.

So there was like a stage. And I remember that was one of the colleges where they didn't tell the students that I was going to do it. So they just like, everybody's studying. And then all of a sudden the student comes up on stage and she's like, now we have comedy

front. I felt like what is going on? Everybody's mad because they're like, I'm paying tuition. Shut up. Like, you know. Yeah. They'd rather study than hear a comedian. What crazy college is this?

It's so expensive. I mean, you know, and I remember there was a tour of elementary students at that college that day. And they're like, you know, they're going to come in during your lunch. So if you have any jokes about Little Mermaid or something, that would be dope. And I'm like, who has like, oh, my five Disney minutes for kids is like now I get to shine, you know. And then they also said there's also a senior citizen home that's coming. That's touring at the same time. Oh, no.

If you have any jokes for them. And I'm like, I hope they like Little Mermaid. I did the hour. I did. Actually, it was so brutal. But I was supposed to do an hour. And then at like 50, 51, I tried to get get off stage and they sent me back oh no you still owe us 10 minutes oh my god and then lunch started they had two shifts for lunch the second shift started and all of a

sudden you see these little kids come in and you see these old people come in and uh they have to they get on the stage because that's how they have to, they get on the stage. Cause that's how they, that's how they get to the food. And the old people just stood in front of me and barricaded me from the audience. And they just kept looking at me with the microphone. And they're like,

why are you yelling? We're right here. Like it was, that was the last time I ever did a noon, a nooner. And after that, nothing like you can do bad shows. that was the last time I ever did a nooner. Wow. That was it. And after that, nothing. Like, you can do bad shows, and you're like, been there, done that.

Right, right. You're so over it. So you hit your bottom that day. Yeah. The worst college gig I ever heard was this comedian who told me this story. He was doing all these Midwest colleges. And he said it was going great. He had one more show to go.

He's like, one more show, and then I'm going back to New York. It was a college in Iowa. They drive him, pick him up at night from the airport. And they're like, oh, you know, everyone's excited you're here. We made a mistake. We also booked the comedy show the same night. We have boxing night. And he's like, boxing night?

Like, what college has boxing? And he's like, so we we're gonna combine the two so he's like what are you talking about so they drive him up to this gym he said they go in the gym there's like 2 000 students there there's a boxing ring in the middle of the gym and he goes you're to go up in between bouts. And so he's like, are you kidding? So they start this boxing match. The one guy punches, knocks the other guy out. Like in the first round, there's blood. On the stage. He said they're cleaning it up and they bring the mic down

and a guy goes, all right, are you ready for your comic? And he had to perform to that crowd my friend did a college gig where there was a end of the school year carnival and he was performing in an auditorium and then the pa system someone got on the pa system and said uh the build a bear workshop factory is now open and everyone in the audience got up and left and then he had to do stand up by himself to no one for like most of his set and then they all came back with teddy bears

with their bears to sit down and watch the rest of the show I hope the bears were good laughers you should have had a Disney five minutes and you would have left well we actually have to wrap things up I know that went by so lightning fast but we have some things to give away disney five minutes and we would have left wow well we actually have to wrap things up i know

that went by so lightning fast really fast but we have some um things to give away maybe you can help us christella i would love it do we have any conan fans in the audience or okay yeah okay all right that's awesome you guys came to the right podcast yeah you're in the right place um we brought so we've mentioned this on the show before we recently discovered a giant vault of ties that our former wardrobe person was hoarding i haven't been able to go for a job interview yet because i don't have a tie but uh we learned that that our previous wardrobe person was buying $200, $300 ties

and then marking them and then putting them away and organizing them all. And they were never reused. Conan wore each one of these ties exactly once. Yeah. So we have hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of ties. It's around $250,000 worth of ties.

Which is insane. So this is like a premium giveaway. Yes. So we're going to give away some of those ties right now. Amazing. Now, some of them, maybe they're a little outdated. Maybe. I don't know.

And you know what? We went the extra mile. We looked up to see who was on the show. That is so cool. Yeah. Right? Yeah, so we have a date, and we know exactly who was on the show. What's it say?

Here you go, guys. That's a beautiful time. A beautiful floral print right here. Lovely. And we'll start the bidding. I know. $5. Who's the $5?

$5. This one. Wait, should we5. Who knew the $5? This one. Wait, should we make them guess who was on it? I don't know. We'll be here all day. Steve Guttenberg. We did that once before, and someone Googled it immediately. We told them the show number.

They knew exactly. This show, when Conan hosted, had Holly Hunter, Natasha Lyonne, and the musician Robert Cray. And it's from 2017. June 2017. All right. Well, you know what? This guy's hand went up first.

This guy, yeah. I think you need this tie. And I think you should put it on right now because it matches your sock. Yeah, it goes with your shirt. Yeah. It goes with your shirt. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. Yes. right now because it matches your shirt yeah it goes with your shirt okay okay yes oh so this episode 1068 um the let's see we had carl reiner yeah nikki glazer and Reiner. Yeah. Nikki Glaser. And the musical guest, I assume, or maybe this is

a comedian. If anyone can tell me what this person is or people, then you win this. Pokey Lafarge. Anybody. No. Musician? I mean, you have a 50-50 chance.

This makes me feel bad for Pokemon. Okay, we're going to go to that guy for a musician. This guy right here, yeah! By the way, we're including this little hanger, which will really help you resell it on eBay tomorrow. People notice that stuff in the photo, and they go, okay. Now this one, we saved this one. This is from, wow, 2013.

That is vintage. And as you can see, it's made out of asbestos, I think. It's Dayglo. Tom Hanks was the guest. Wow. And he gets two ties. How do we give this one away? I don't know.

How about a woman? How about a woman? Yeah. Christella, we'll leave it up to you. Yeah. Yeah. Does anyone know the title of Christella's upcoming memoir? No.

Including Christella's upcoming memoir? No. Including Christella. Right. Yeah, how could we... This woman back here? Whose suggestion was it to give it to a woman? Let about a woman. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, no, I was going to say,

it was her idea. You get the top. I don't know. Okay. But wait, there's more. There's more. We have more stuff. Oh, there's so much more.

Is anyone here a fan of Sonam Obsession? Okay. So this is the actual, this is her gigolos mug. Has anyone seen the bit where she loses this mug and then Conan goes and tracks it. It might still have her DNA on it. Or we don't know any,

we don't know what kind of DNA. Yeah. Who, who is the most excited for this prize i think we got this guy over here i'm gonna say i think she is all right very nice and then uh just to cover our tracks we stole these from jeff r Ross's office these are little poster cards with his name on the bottom executive producer stationary now you can

pretend you're Jeff Ross you can write notes to people you can write cease and desist on these do whatever you want would you like here pass them around don't hide. And then I'm going to give two more things that we were going to throw away.

But these are... Literally true. These are based on Conan sketches. You can pretend you went to this tour. It's a real Conan sketches. It's a tour shirt from Conan's, from the stand-up tour last year. Alright, great.

Congratulations. And we have some stickers if you want to... Just come up and get the stickers. If you want to vandalize the hotel on your way out you can put them up. Well, Christella, thank you so much. Tell us the name of your memoir. You have a memoir up. Well, Cristela, thank you so much. Tell us the name of,

what is the name of your memoir? Oh yeah, you have a memoir coming out, which we didn't get to talk about. I know. I wrote a book. It's called Music to My Ears. It's a mixtape memoir.

So the whole book, it's like every chapter is one of my favorite songs. I break down why I like the song and I connect the story of my life to that song because I love music. That's awesome. On October 8th. All right,

great. Okay. And thank you just for last. Thank you all for coming thank you so much for coming thank you bye

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bye bye bye bye Tilt. Engineered by Will Becton. Mixed by Ryan Connor. Supervising producer is Aaron Blair. Associate producer, Jen Samples. Executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross Jeff Ross! Jeff Ross! And Team Coco. And Colin Anderson

and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Thanks to Jimmy Vivino for our theme music and interstitials. You can rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. And of course, please subscribe and tell a friend to listen to Inside Conan on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, or whatever platform you like best. Ta-da! This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.