Inside Late Night with Mark Malkoff - Mark Schiff

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

Comedian Mark Schiff joins Mark to discuss his Saturday Night Live audition, his Johnny Carson appearances, Jerry Seinfeld’s Carson debut, Bob Dylan coming to his NY apartment, & more. Buy Mark Schiff’s Book: Why Not?: Lessons on Comedy, Courage, and Chutzpah Subscribe to Mark’s Podcast: We Think It’s Funny with comedians Danny Lobell & Mark Schiff Mark’s Official Website: https://www.markschiff.com/ Follow Mark on X (Twitter): https://x.com/markschiff

Hi, I am Mark Malkoff and welcome to Inside Late Night, presented by late-nighter.com. Today's guest is comedian Mark Schiff. We discuss his Saturday Night Live audition, his Johnny Carson appearances, Jerry Seinfeld, and much more. Now, it's time to go inside late night. Mark Schiff, nice to see you again. It's been a while. Hello, Mark. I like Mark and Mark.

You spell it right, too. I like that. So I wanted to ask you, I mean, people, you're known for doing stand-up. I mean, you've been pals with Seinfeld. You open up with him on the road, thousands of people internationally. I didn't know that you auditioned for Saturday Night Live, and I know you have a really good story. When was that? What were the circumstances?

So when I was living in New York, Saturday Night Live would have auditions, you know, auditions would bring in some actors and they'd look at some stand-ups. and you had to put together three or four minutes for the audition. So I tried to think of something different and, you know, I didn't really do characters. So I tried to think of something different. So I was working, I had a manager at the time named Tom Stern. So Tom and you ever see three card Monty where they do this in the street? You know, and you have to guess. And it's all a scam.

So we decided on three head Monty. and we went down to the Latino section of town where they sell whole pigs, but we bought three giant pig heads that was, you know, severed, you know, and we got them home, and we got a table, and the bit was three head Monty, and there would be something under one of the heads, and sat in there a lot of people had a guess what it was. And then we had a jokes to it. Like, you know, the pigs had their eyes in. And so we made it so I'd go, here he is doing an impression of Sammy Davis Jr., and I would squeeze in the eye, would shoot out of his head. It was really thoroughly. And what we had to do because we got it on a Friday and the audition was Monday. Over the weekend, we had to freeze the heads because you couldn't leave the heads out all weekend because they would rot and then they would droop and the ears would go down.

I just want to ask a few things. Is this the Dick Ebersole era? Is this the Lorne Michael's era of SNL? This is early on Lorne Michael's era. So this is still the 70s with the 70s original cast? If it was there, it had to be, well, maybe 80, 81. Was that Ebersol then? Yeah, Eppersol was there in 81.

Okay, so that's when it was. Was it, it was the audition at a comedy club? Back then they didn't audition you at 8H. No, this was an NBC up in the offices. Oh, on the 17th floor. Okay, so you were bringing pig's head, actual pig's heads. And not little ones, giant heads. Each one weighed maybe 10 pounds, 15th.

And I brought it up in a hefty garbage bag. So if anybody ever stopped me on the way up there and they said, excuse me, security, what have you got here? And they looked and they saw three giant pig heads. I might have been arrested on the spot going into the building. So this performance of mine went so south that they all got up and said, I got to throw up. You know, they found this so utterly disgusting in every way, shape, and form. And at the end, the one guy was left, he said, just clean up and get out of here.

And there's a garbage can at the end of the table, so I just rolled each head into the, and you would hear this giant thump into the garbage can. And then I left like Santa with this big plastic thing over my shoulder with the heads. I never heard from them again. Now, that said, if I was good at that, that might have been one of the great ideas of all time. Those things, you know, if Andy Kaufman did that, it might have been like the thing that they said, this guy's a frigging genius. It can go either way. Who do you audition for? Do you remember? I don't. You know, it was so, you know, you get of people in there you've never seen they're just executives so I had no idea but there were three

four maybe five of them one was a woman who just ran out the door so fast when she saw these heads i have to ask around because i've never heard that back in the in the eddie murphy era eddie um auditioned murphy auditioned in the 17th floor offices so maybe around that time i wanted to ask you about eddie murphy just real quick because i still to this day cannot believe with his success, one of the most famous successful comedians of all time. And it still seems that it'll come up in an interview and he'll talk about it, that comedy contest from 1980. He doesn't seem over it. He doesn't seem over the fact that he didn't win. And he'll justify the fact that he'll say, you know, it was, I think that he went on first or last or which,

whatever he went on first or last, it stacked the audience in the raw. And it was definitely they were laughing really loud, either in the beginning or the end. But he has all these reasons, or at least a reason why he didn't win. But I just can't believe that he still talks about that. You and Carol Leiffer, this was like 1980. Carol Leifers, Steve Middleman, Eddie, me, Rick Overton, and who the heck? Was it Dom Iarer? I don't remember who the fifth one was.

Mark Wiener, I think, maybe. But anyway, yeah, Eddie came in last. There was a competition. Robert Klein was. Robert Klein was the host of the show. Eddie came in last and couldn't believe it and has been bitten about it for 40 years. I'm always so surprised with certain people's success.

And I'm not going to mention by name these iconic people that, you know, they have their millions of dollars, their acclaim, nothing to prove to anybody. And instead of focusing on all of those, I guess that's human nature. It's just something from like decades ago. The truth is, Steve Middleman did the best set of the night. He was spectacular that night.

All the laughs in the right places. He deserved to win. I don't know if Eddie deserved to go last. I came in second. In fact, I just had Carol Leaf on my podcast. We think it's funny. And Carol and I talked about it. And she couldn't believe it either, you know.

But listen, you know, it made Eddie stronger probably. I'll tell you, Eddie Murphy's store. I lost weight recently. not recently, we have 10 to, I don't know, like 50 pounds, which is a lot of weight. But I used to be 50, 60 pounds heavier. So I called up Eddie's managers, Richie Tinkin and Bob Wax, when Eddie was playing the Westbury Music Fair. And I had not seen Eddie in a couple of years. And Bob and Richie got me the ticket and I went to, and I said, I went back to the dressing room to see Eddie.

And he's lying on a couch like just waiting to go on. And he sees me. And I haven't seen him in years. The first thing he says is, Schiff. You got so fat. Is that motivation to get in shape? I mean, I know you lost a lot of it and you kept it off. Yeah, Don I rera.

You know, Don I'm sure. Of course, yeah, yeah. He was a big part of my motivation to leave, you know, this is absolutely true. One night I was at the laugh factory, ready to go on. They're introducing me. They go, and now, ladies gentlemen, coming on stage, a funny guy, you've seen him, and Don, and Dom walks up behind me, whispers in my ear and goes, you are so fat and I turned and I went up on stage and all of a sudden I realized my shirt was

sticking out my head was like round and uh it got me he got me at that moment I decided to lose way and I never looked back wow um do you think Eddie Murphy said that to you because he had spite because of the contest do you think that that's why he he did that dig at you that he just or do you think that was just Eddie no that was I think yeah you know something I didn't put that together. I didn't put that together, but that's a good possibility. Yeah, because it was after, and that's just the way it is. But Eddie, you know, listen, he's always been very nice to me and, you know, who could be more successful? He's made great movies. And everybody has their little quirks. Yeah, I mean, it's incredible. I mean, I talked to people that started with him and he would

tell people he's like, I'm going to be famous by the time I'm 20 or whatever it was. I'm going to be he would tell all these people and they'd roll their eyes and he was completely correct where most people have one personality he has 10 yeah he's just large and he's great he it's an amazing success when was the first time that you went over to carson show is it with seinfeld when he debuted in 81 or were you there previously yeah so we all went over together we just one of the big differences between New York and L.A. comedians, the ones that started in L.A., it was a very friendly atmosphere in New York. People weren't cutting each other's throats. People were very helpful. People were very supportive. We didn't have television. We were going after, like, you know, sitcoms.

We were just trying to become comedians. California was a little more dark. So when we all moved out there, eventually when people were doing a Tonight Show, we all went as like a team. And We were Jimmy Brogan and Michael Hampton Cain and Jerry and Larry Miller. I went to like Ronnie Shakes, the great comedian who passed away way too young. He did, I know, 12, 14 to something, 13 tonight shows. I went to every single one with them. And when I went, I brought people with me. And then we'd go out to dinner after the celebrate it.

I really like that community, that famous photo of you and Seinfeld and Jimmy Brogan. I think that was Jimmy's first shot. And Mike Kane. Yeah. It's such an amazing photo of all of you right after in Johnny's parking spot with the Johnny Carson sign. So one of the greatest things about doing a Tonight Show was you parked in whatever spot they gave you. And then he told you you just walked straight ahead and go through that door and that's the studio. But you had to pass Johnny Carson's parking spot.

And when you saw that, that's when it began for you. You go, okay, I'm in the right place. That says Johnny Carson There's a little star over there He had a stingray Corvette that he would drive in from Malibu at that time I did notice everybody looked in his car

to see like what was in there And he had everybody had cassette tapes that they would listen to He had learn Chinese And he had a box set Of how to speak Chinese He was incredible with those languages He was taking, he took, back when he was doing the Vegas shows, he was learning Spanish, and he would have people come on the show and he would speak Spanish with them for a while.

And then he learned Russian. And then he was taking, he learned how to, when he went to Africa to speak, Swahili, unbelievably curious man with those languages, very ambitious. That's interesting. So when I was on the show, what I got off. his desk after the show was one of those two-headed pencils. Right? You know the pencil? Of course. You know, a racer on each side? I have one. So I had one too. And I have an office outside my house because I can't work in the house. I can't work where there's a refrigerator or a bed. Those two things are career killers for me. So I have an office which is the, you know, a desk and chair. Anyway,

I had one of those two-headed pencils off the Tonight Show desk there. My office was robbed. And about two years ago. They cleaned me out of my computers, my speakers, everything. And they took a garbage can and they cleared everything off the desk and threw it in the garbage can. One of the things was that pencil. And more than missing the computer, thousands of dollars worth of stuff, that pencil meant everything. It says a lot. I'm so sorry that that happened. You have such a unique story because you did the show with Carson five times. You did it with Jay once when he was a guest host. But it was one of those things where McCauley, I have to, I give him credit the fact that he wasn't one of those people for the most part that would say, you know, I'll get back to you.

You're great. He was a pretty straight shooter. I mean, he would tell people you're not right for the show. And one night, this might have been around 1982. I don't know if it was the comic strip. It was in New York where you got to stand inovation. For people that don't go to comedy clubs, that literally happens. So you absolutely destroy. McCulley is there. McCulley then is leaving the club and you run out. And what do you say?

Right. So I got off the stage and he spoke to all these other comedians, you know, but he didn't come over and talk to me in the bar. So I followed them out. It was a rainy evening. And he was walking away. I said, Jim. And he turns around, hey, Mark, how are you?

you. And he said, I'm good, but what do you think of the set? He goes, it was very, very good, very funny. I said, I got a standing ovation. He goes, you know, I saw. So I said, what do you think? He goes, well, to tell you the truth, it's not right for Johnny. It's not what Johnny likes.

You know, he goes, you know, I know what Johnny likes, and even though you did really great, it's not for him. I said, but I got a standing ovation, and I pressed him on it. He says, there's maybe some other time. but it wasn't right. And he turned around and walked away. And I was in a period of my life when I was still drinking, too much and angry. And I yelled at the top of my lungs, F you know what the F stands for.

I think I do. But I wanted to ask, is it one of those things where the words were out of your mouth before you kind of realized what you said? Or was it a decision in the moment? It was anger. It was anger coming out of my mouth. And what did he say in response? He turned around and he said, what did you say? And I said it again, F you!

And he points at me, he goes, you will never, ever do the show as long as you live. And he turned to walk away, and I knew my career was in the garbage. I knew it was over. I had no point. I didn't go back to the club, but it was nothing. If I couldn't get to tonight's show, I was not going to have a career. Seven years.

I mean, you wait seven years. You're in San Francisco one night. And did you know when you got on stage the McCulley was there? Or did you just do your set and he... I saw him come in and I went over to him and I had seen him over the years coming into the improv in L.A. and into the comic story, you know, comedy store. And I had said a little to him, but I never brought up that night, never brought it up. And he never brought it up.

Walks into the club, it was the punchline in San Francisco. I walk over and I say, Jim, how are you doing? He goes, good, good. I said, what are you doing here? He goes, I came to see your opening act for the show. It's a night show. I said, great, you know. And then he said to me, you know, I've got nothing to do after.

Do you mind if I stick around and watch you? And I said, yeah. And I could feel my bowels get loose at that point because, you know, anyway, I went up, I did an hour. He came over to me after. I don't know what happened to the other guy if you got the show. I really don't know. He came over to me.

He goes, that was great. You got the show. Call me on Monday. and two weeks later I was on the show and he worked the material with me and he never brought up what I did and I never brought it up and I know that he knew what I did

because that was a real scene I made you know it'd be like me clubbing you over the head with a brick you know because I don't think any other comedian ever did that to him I've never heard anything like that but seven years is you know time heals I don't think Johnny Carson probably would have he would have

probably have not given you a second chance maybe because he just was very um he was very delicate and if somebody said that to him it would be over but i'm so let me just tell you jim macaulay god bless him in his next life he passed on he was 100% right by not booking me on the show when i thought i was ready i was not ready to do this show even if i did it and i did I probably would never have been on again, and he knew what he was talking about. And the fact that it never came up again, it was, I just think that he totally forgave me. And, you know, there was no reason to bring it up. And we became kind of friendly with each other.

The thing that I'm sure when he saw you seven years later and you do an hour, he's like, Mark has at least four, if not five appearances right here. I mean, the problem was a lot of comedians would go on and not have maybe one or two sets. that were tonight's show So you go on the show This is February of 1989 Bob Einstein is in character as Super Dave Osborne

Park overall is also on the show Did you bring your parents to this one? Your first one? My mother. My mother. My father had passed on.

Oh, I'm sorry. And is Seinfeld and all the guys like Brogan and all those guys there at this point? Brogan was there. Okay. I don't know if the other guys were in town or they were off there,

you know, already on the road doing their thing there. But my mother was there, and then we had a big dinner after. I had like 15 friends meet me at this Italian joint, and it was extraordinary. It was, listen, that was the biggest thing you could do at that point of your life. And no show has ever compared to it. And thank you, Johnny. And he was always liked to me.

He would stop by the dressing room after the show and say, thank you, Mark. And he'd walk, he'd have a little thing under his arm with book notes or something from the show. And he was amazing. Not only that, but you were back pretty quickly. And then, you know, Seinfeld, it took him five appearances to get waved over. And then on your, it was your third appearance that John Laurequette was on panel. And he waives you over. There are certain comedians that have automatic panel. And you can kind of tell that after standup, they're going to go over. But that was still, you know, you have to, you know, Johnny's like, no, come on over and calls you. And you don't know.

they're calling you over. You're behind the curtain with Jim McCauley, and he goes, stand there after the set, take your bow, look over the journey, thank him, and if he goes, you know, if not, come right back here. And you look at him, and then sure enough, and it was a beautiful moment sitting with him. We went to a commercial, and he was gentle and generous. Two geez. You know, he said to me, a lot of times when you go on talk shows now, they say this to you, They just bring, let's say, sex with the wife, they'll bring up stuff. And they're very, so, Mark, you know, how's your marriage going? You know, Johnny couched it like this.

He goes, you know, Mark, I don't know you. It's the first time we're really, you know, talking here. And if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a question. How's your marriage? And he couched it so gently. It was beautiful. Like, he wasn't really prying or stuff. It was a nice moment.

It was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, you come over on the show so many times for somebody that debuted in 89. He leaves in 92. You go on again, on your fourth time, Dallie Pardin is on panel. January 30th, 1992, it's Michael J. Fox, you, Jim Corrier, and Tricia Yearwood. What was that like with all that energy? The audiences that last year were out of this world. Out of this world. It was amazing. And it was Christmas time with Dolly. That was, I think, like a Christmas thing. It was amazing. The audience was always good, but, and it was twice as good when Johnny was there, making it happen. It's kind of a, you know, listen, if you had Don Rickles, it's good. It's good. but it's not Johnny who's hosting.

It was amazing. It was amazing. And I went after that the last week, two weeks of the show, I went backstage just to watch backstage. It was you and George Wallace went to the show and it was Mel Brooks and Tony Bennett. Why were you there just to, did you know either of them or did George know either of them? No, just to say goodbye to the show. That meant everything to us. It's like, you know, Moses going back up the mountain.

You're not going to see him anymore. We just wanted to pay our homage. And luckily, we were known enough to be welcomed backstage when we weren't on. George Wallace said the funniest thing in the world to me. Tony Bennett was rehearsing. I left my heart in San Francisco. And George turns to me, he goes, you think he really needs to rehearse that song anymore. I just thought it was so funny.

you know, that said it all. Tony probably sang that 38,000 times. He goes, I think he knows it by now, you know, it's like one of those things. He's singing on Johnny's very first show, October 1st, 1962. So you meet Jerry Seinfeld in 1976, and he debuts on the Tonight Show four years later in 81. What was Seinfeld's debut? Like, was Jerry nervous backstage? Was he, he doesn't seem like the nervous type, but I mean, it's the Tonight Show. And his father, Cal Seinfeld, took out some sort of, ad or something in the newspaper my son's going to be on the tonight show and jerry was very nervous we've talked about it i don't think he's ever been that nervous about anything we all were i mean you know this this was in a good way the electric chair you know you're you know you're standing

there and if it doesn't go well you're going to be electrocuted it's over and jerry was uh you know His nervous as a human being could get. After that, he wasn't nervous, though, anymore as much. I mean, was he nervous? People told me he, after that, he wasn't nervous. I may not look like it, but even now, we all have Ajita before we do our shows. You know, I'll go with them to 3,000, 5,000, 8,000 people. And there were some nights, Jerry.

We wonder, do I have it tonight? So interesting. After all that time, yeah, I mean, still. some of that I know like for example I know that you were when you were in New York when you first got here that you worked at a Broadway theater and you have some of those people that have had decades of amazing careers movie stars and still get nervous how did you get to know Catherine Hepper and she just seems like somebody that you know Johnny they tried to get her on the tonight show she never would do it she did Cabot Show once and she wasn't sure if she was going to do it and she ended up doing it was wonderful but how did you how did you get to know her so Gilbert Godfrey rest of the soul and I worked at the Broadhurst Theater. If you've been to Broadway, you know, there's a candy stand

there where they sell drinks, beer, soda, whatever there's in candy. So Gilbert and I were the candy guys. We got $7.50 a show. And on Saturday, there was a matinee, two shows or something on Saturday, you know, two and seven. And we got so we made $15. And one of the greatest things about

that job was when the show was over, that was on 44th and between 7th and 8th. The improv was on 44th between 8th and 9th. So we were done with work around 10 o'clock at night. We'd just go to the improv when they were just opening up and hang out there. So Catherine Hepburn was in a play called A Matter of Gravity with Christopher Reeves. One day, somebody said to us, you know, Catherine Hepron, if you ever want to meet her, she comes in before the play two hours early to open up all the doors in the theater. because she refused to work in a hot theater.

Hot theater means people are tired and full of sleep. So she opened up every door, upstairs, downstairs. So Gilbert and I went, and there she was. Just like the guy said, she showed up and started opening the doors. And we said, Mrs. Hepburn, we work in the candy thing here, and can we help you? And she said, no, thank you. I'll do it myself. And she did it herself.

She ran upstairs downstairs. The next day she came, we were there again. she said hello to us she didn't have to and then after we kept showing up and then after about a week or two i don't remember how long exactly she said you can open the doors upstairs so we opened the doors for her upstairs and then she started talking to us and she started telling us stories about humphrey bogart and james cagney and working with really nice stories sweet stories nothing no gossip, nothing nasty. And she became friendly with us.

And she asked us what we did. The improv we invited her to see our show. She wouldn't come. And then one day towards the end of the run, she comes in with a gift for Gilbert. Well, first of all, one day she came in with a book called Cagney by Cagney, which is James Cagney's autobiography.

She autographed that to me, gave one to Gilbert, autographed it to him, gave us each a copy, said, read this, it's a great book. And then towards the end of the run, she comes in, I have it in, side. If you want, I can get it and show it to you. She did a drawing by hand of her character in the play. And she came in with it framed one for Gilbert and one for me. And she gave us this

as a gift. It's probably the greatest gift I've ever gotten outside a tie for my son. But, no, this was absolutely amazing. And she gave me her phone number. Catherine Hepburn gave me a phone phone number. And one day, I don't know why. I just said, I'm going to call her. And then I'm thinking, what am I calling Catherine Hepburn? I sell candy for $7.50. This woman won four Academy Awards. What if I got to say to her? But I called her. She picks up the phone. Hello? I go, hi, Ms. Hepburn. This is Mark Schiff. Oh, yeah, Mark. How are you? I said, I'm good. Why? What can I do for you? I said, I'm just calling to say hello. She goes, I'm having a party tonight. Why don't you come to my house?

I said, what? And she gave me her address in Turtle Bay. And I went to her house. And there she is standing at the front door of the townhouse. It's four stories high. She owns the whole thing. And she says, go in, have a good time. And I see on the staircase these statues.

And I go over and look at it. And they're her Academy Awards. And then that really prominently displayed. They just said, and she goes, what are you looking at? I said, these, she goes, I'll have my awards. Go have some punch. And, you know, it was unbelievable. And there was a bust of her that it was made by like Picasso, you know,

just something that's probably worth $40 million now, just sitting there. She couldn't have been nicer. After that, I lost touch and I decided the run was over. And some relationships, this is what I understood. Just like a Broadway player has a certain limited run, my relationship with her. had a limited run. That was it. And I never wanted to ask her for anything or I just was so grateful that I had this moment with her. Good memories. And then you and Gilbert, is this one of your regulars at the comic strip you're walking one day together and you ran into Woody Allen? Yes. So Gilbert

and I, we were fairly new at the clubs. We were made regulars. When you're made a regular, it doesn't mean you're ever going on. It means you have permission to stand at the bar and maybe they'll give you a glass of wine or a Coke. So we would go to the improv first, and we would stand there from like 10 at night, 9.30 at night to like 11.30 and realize we're not getting on. They're not going to put us on. So we'd walk over the Catcher Rising Star or the comic strip. Improves 44th to 9th, Catcher Rising Star is 77th and 1st, so it's about an hour walk at night, 1130, 12th. We get to Central Park, 5th Avenue. We're walking down 5th Avenue around 60, 2nd,

in 60th Street. I see these two guys coming at us. And I look, I go, Gilbert, there's Woody Allen. And he goes, yeah. And the guy with him, we realized was Marshall Berkman. And the two of them are walking. And now you've got to remember, Central Park, 12 o'clock midnight, not the safest place in the world. And as we're going to go, Woody. And he And we tell them we're comedians and on our way to catch a rising star. We were just at the improv. Then he realized we were legitimate. And we asked him, we said, listen, Woody, is there any way we can come meet with you

and talk to you about comedy? And he said, yeah, yeah, I'm at Michael's Pub. Just come down on Monday night. We'll talk. So we go down to Michael's Pub the next week. In between sets, we go over to the stage and we go, hey, Woody, Mark, Gilbert here. you told us to come down. He says, yeah, I can't talk this week. I got something else, but come back in two weeks, and we came back in two weeks, and then we told me you there, in between sets,

he took us to a table in the back, and we all sat down to three of us, and this is what he said. If you're here to tell me how funny I am, how much you like my comedy, and, you know, I don't want to talk anymore. If you really want to talk comedy, let's do it. But I don't want to hear adulations. I don't want to hear this or that. And we talked. We talked about his tonight show appearances, which neither one of us had done yet. We're barely getting on stage. He talked about how we prepared for the show, how much writing he had done. And then to cap it all off after it was amazing, Jack Rollins, his manager, we went to a party, Hillary Rollins, Jack's daughter, was having a party for Jack Woody's manager, Robert Klein's manager, Dick Cavett's manager. And we went to the party and I told Jack, what happened, Gilbert and I, Woody met with us. He was having a party. He said, said, I can't believe it. He goes, I've never heard Woody do this for anybody ever. Meet with them like that. It's just not him. He said, he must have felt something very special from you guys. How much time did he give you? 40 minutes. It's amazing. That's a lot. I mean, for someone like him.

It was amazing. You have done so much television, but I did want to ask one thing. Evening at the improv with Vincent Price is the host, what was that like getting brought up Vincent Price. It was amazing to actually meet him in person, you know, the great Vincent Price. You don't get to spend much time with those guys, you know, like they bring you up, you shake their hand, you thank him, but so really didn't spend much time. It was like one night at the Laugh Factory, they would film comedy, you know, one of the Sunday comics or something there, and Eric Clapton was in the house band that night.

So, you know, you got a chance to meet him for a minute. By the way, you have that Mel Brooks poster behind you. Yes. That's, yeah, do you know my Mel Brooks story? I'd love to hear your Mel Brooks story. He was really nice to me. He was on my podcast, my Carson podcast, and then I got to talk to him again maybe two years ago. We talked maybe like, I don't know, like a half hour or something, but he's been very nice.

And Carl Reiner, same. So before I get to that quickly, I went to George Shapiro. who was Jerry's manager for 35, 40 years and a great manager and he handled Andy Kaufman, all kinds of people. So anyway, they had his memorial. And I'm sitting there. It's at Paramount Studios. This was like two and a half years ago when he passed on.

And it's at the end of the memorial and getting up. First, Dick Van Dyke got up. He was 96 at the time. Walks up on stage himself. Talks about George Shapiro. Mel Brooks, 96-97, walks up on stage, funny as can be, talks about his relationship with George Shapiro. Norman Lear, 100, gets out of the wheelchair at the side of the stage,

walks up to steps by himself, and talks about his relationship with George Shapiro. And then Jerry closed the show. The memorial was quite a young. So, Mel Brooks, I was writing on Matt About You. When you write on the show, they shot and Matt about you on Friday night, what happens is during the shooting if a joke dies the executive producer

will yell, anybody got anything? So like you deliver a joke and the audience doesn't laugh and they got to replace it if possible. So Mel Brooks delivers a joke just completely in the tank, the joke, producer goes

anybody got anything? And something popped in my head and I'm a new writer on the show and I go, I got something. And Mel Brooks comes over and he whispers, he goes, show, what are you got? And he said, just whisper it to me, because he didn't want the audience to hear it first.

This way, it wouldn't be a punchline. So I gave him the line. There was the punchline to the joke. And he delivers it in the film. He gets a huge laugh. One of the great moments of my life. On the spot, I hand this joke to Mel Brooks. He delivers it.

Big laugh. I was like, you know, I was sitting on the star for like four minutes. And the punch line, I don't remember what the whole setup was, but the punchline was, nobody has ever seen a live whitefish. That was the punchline. And somehow whitefish, Jewish, not alive, you know, it got this huge round of applause. It was such a great moment for me. Mel Brooks, Melvin Kaminsky. I love hearing that. He's 98 now and still kicking. Yeah, I talked to him a couple years ago when it was great. He was as funny as ever. what are the circumstances in 1976 that Bob Dylan goes over to your apartment?

You did not know Bob Dylan. You know, when you look at people today, especially, mysterious celebrity, that people still have the mystique. I mean, there's very few people that still have a mystique about them. And Dylan is one of them. But what were the circumstances? Yeah. So look at the name of Bob Dylan's movie that came about him, or complete unknown. That is a perfect title for who Bob Dylan is.

People who to this day still don't know who he is. I've been very blessed. There's something about me that when I ask people something to do something that nobody's ever asked them to do, they agree to do it. So Bob Dylan, we were at the bottom line, which is a nightclub in New York. It was mostly a music room. And that was a room that when you, they would come into the improv to see comedians to go open for musicians there.

And it was no, you know, it was like $200 or something like that. But it was an honor. It was 500 seats in Manhattan in Greenwich Village, always sold out on a great audience. But I went to see a show, and it was a Buffy St. Marie concert. She was a folk singer from the 60s, and Bob was sitting there with his wife, Sarah, and a guy named Louis Kemp. I didn't know Louis' name at that time. I'm the biggest Bob Dylan fan in the world.

I pick up the menu from the bottom line. It's a yellow menu. I get a pen from a waitress. and I walk over the Bob, I go, Bob, can I get your autograph, please? And he goes, hey, man, and he signs it. He gives it to me. I don't know why I did this. I said, Bob, you know, I only live about four, five blocks away after the show. How about you and your friends coming over my house for a cup of tea? That's all I said to him. To Bob Dylan, 1976, he's the biggest there is now. Blood on the tracks is about me, either just came out or about to come out.

And he just stares at me like he's looking into my soul. You know, he just can't believe what he just said. All right, man, after the show, man, I'm going to go say a little Buffy. I haven't seen a hundred years, man. Then we'll come by. Write down your address, man. I write down my address. I give it to him.

And I said to him, really? You're going to come? Yeah, man. We'll be there, man. And I leave after the show. I go home. An hour goes by, no Bob Dylan. I'm with my friend Bernie, Ferrara, and I got a roommate up there.

there's a gay roommate. His name was Tim, a very nice man. In fact, he said if I knew Bob Dylan was coming, I would have baked the cake. That's what he said. So anyway, all of a sudden, an hour later, there's a ring at my bell. I opened the window. I look downstairs. There's Bob. There's Sarah. There's Louie. Sixty people following him. There's like 63 people there now. So I run downstairs. There's no elevator. I run down, open the door, and Bob looks at me, looks at this group of 60. He goes through these 60 people. man, there's my friend. I got to go, man. Nice meeting everybody. And he comes in with Louis and his wife. They come up to my house. I make him a cup of tea, and they stay for 40 minutes. And Louis didn't say anything. Sarah didn't say anything. And Bob refused to reveal anything about himself. Anything I asked him, he turned in on me. He kept asking me about what I did for a living, how long I've been writing, how long I've been this, how long I've been. And then after 40 minutes of talking, interviewing me, he goes, all right, man, I got to go. See you again, man. And the dream was over.

It was, I had the same thing with Anthony Hopkins. Anthony Hopkins, arguably one of the greatest actors of all time. He was in a play called Equis. And I was again working selling candy at a theater next door. I went by and after the show, I was in a theater group, learning acting. And the director said, you think he can ask Anthony Hopkins if he would come down and talk to these young actors? I got him after the show. Meanwhile, Equus, he was on stage for three hours.

talking constantly, like six-minute monologues. He comes out to stage door, I go, Mr. Hopkins. He goes, yeah, you know his English accent, Welsh, whatever. I said, listen, I'm part of a acting company with young, you know, a young actor, would you come down and talk to us? He just stares at me, like, he goes, who are you? I said, my name is Mark Schiff. I'm a young actor, and I belong to a little acting company.

Would you come down? He just stares at me, he goes, all right, here's my phone number. gives me his home phone number, comes down there three times at different occasions with scenes from Chekhov and Shakespeare and he starts directing all these young actors in these scenes and teaching us about acting. It's unbelievable. Power of Askin, power of Askin is you just never know. I mean, I would say most people with people like this, you know, they don't really treat them as regular people sometimes or humanize them. And somebody like Bob Dylan, And people probably he never, you know, Sinatra used to say no one asks me for interviews

and maybe that people just assume. I'm not really sure. It's like these beautiful women that go, you know, nobody asks me out on a date because they're afraid that I'm, you know, or whatever. Well, let me tell you that Hopkins thing ended. One night, Hopkins used to drink a lot. He's an alcoholic and I'm not just telling you, he's, you know, he's admitted it. There's videos where he's talking about his alcoholism online on YouTube.

Calls me one night, two in the morning at home, drunk. and he's just railing about the artistic director of our little company. And he says, Mark, this man is bad news. You and the young actors need to get away from him. He's dangerous. And he didn't have more to say about it, but he was very, get away from this guy. He is bad news. So anyway, we hung up, didn't talk to him again.

And over a short period of time after he said that, This artistic director started getting really weird out of nowhere, started smacking people, grabbing people, and dragging them by their wrist. He was everything that Hopkins said he was, except none of us could see it. But Hopkins saw it first, and I've seen Hopkins over the years, 10 times out here in California, we kind of know each other a little, and every time he brings up about that artistic director as being bad news. Did that artistic director ever go on to do anything? No. He knew his stuff, but he was just, you know, but he was just not good and he was, he was, said nasty things to young actors.

But the fact that Hopkins could see through him. Not everyone has that ability for sure. Getting back to Bob Dylan, then a couple years later, you run into Dylan again? Do I have that right that you saw him and you said hi to him? So I went, oh, so Louis Kemp. Louis Kemp, who was Bob Dylan's road manager for many years also as they went to some Jewish summer camp together. And Bob was his best man at Louis' first wedding. Bob Dylan was performing at the L. Ray Theater in Los Angeles.

And I called Louis. I had met Louis. It's really weird. I was at for Shabbas. I was at the synagogue called Asia Torah. And I see this guy. And I say, you look familiar. And he goes, my name is Louis Kemp.

I go, Louis Kemp. you came to my house in 1970, this is like 20 years later I said you came to my house in 1976 with Bob Dylan and he remembered you remember because they never did that

you know who goes to some stranger's house so we became friends and then I there was a Bob Dylan concert and he said listen you want to go I'll pick you up at your house I got some passes

and I said okay and then he goes first we have to go get Joni I said Johnny who he goes Mitchell we're going to stop at house and get her. So we go to Joni Mitchell's house up in the canyon. And we get in there, she's smoking a little weed and smoking cigarettes. And then we pick her up. And then we go to the

concert. But Bob had left or something right after. So even Joni didn't get a chance to go back and see him. But that was quite the night being with Louis and hanging out with Johnny Mitchell. I mean, it was really quite extraordinary. Again, it was our vask. And then it was Dylan's grandson's Bar Mitzv and you happen to be there? Is that true? No, at my synagogue, a young Israel of Century City, which I still go to, it was his grandson, Bar Mitzvah. And people said, I think Dylan is supposed to come here. And sure enough, comes in late, he's wearing a coat, their long coat, full length down to your legs, red, like little red riding hood color, all red. and he looks like a homeless guy and he just comes in by himself, sits down.

Somebody comes over and says, would you like to come up and get an alia, which is you come up when they got the tour out and you read this little blessing. It's an honor. He turned it down. His son, his grandson, did his stuff that you're supposed to do at the Bar Mitzvah.

And as soon as the kid was done, Bob didn't even say a little to him really, just left. That's very Bob Dylan. I don't know if he can go anywhere without people coming up to him. And we'd unknown. Yeah, it's unbelievable. Bob Dylan, you have this podcast with Danny LaBelle, who I've known for a long time, very funny.

Man, the podcast is we think it's funny. You've had so many of your comedy friends over the years on Paul Riser. I know Jay Leno was on as well. And I wanted to ask you, there's a story. I really don't know it, but Danny told me to ask you if that's okay, that there's something with Jay when he got there before. taping the recording. What happened? So Jay was so kind. You know, our podcast, we think it's funny. There's a new podcast. We don't have a lot of people yet subscribing and

watching. And I went over to Jay and I said, I work with him on Sunday nights at the Comedy Magic Club a lot. And he's there every Sunday for the last 30 years when he's in town, maybe even longer. So I said, I've got a podcast. Would you come? And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, be there. And we work out of date. And the podcast, we're filming him on Monday. And Danny lives in this yellow house, his painted yellow. And I get a call on Sunday afternoon. Hey, Mark, this is a Jay here. I'm outside the house here. It's the big yellow house, right? I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, yeah, I'm looking. And you're sure in the his dress? I said, yeah, I go, but Monday, we're filming tomorrow, not today. This is unbelievable.

He says to me, well, you know, I just wanted to make sure I knew how to get here and I was at the right place because, you know, I want to be on time tomorrow and I wanted to see how the parking is. And I said, are you kidding me? You went a day early to make sure you were going to be on time and you got a parking space in the house. This was the most professional, ridiculous, professional thing I've ever heard in my life. And sure enough, shows up 15, 20 minutes early before we did the podcast. He was one of the great guests of all time. People can learn from You know, one of the things about stand-up comedy, you cannot be late or an actor. You know, this isn't a job like, you know, in a law firm where, you know, you can just saunter

in at five after nine instead of nine or ten after. You get people crazy when you're late. If you're a club owner and I have a nine o'clock show and it's 840 and I'm not there yet, and the guy calls me or she calls me and they can't reach me, we got issues. I get everywhere at least an hour early. Sinatra was very always five minutes early, they say, without a doubt. I mean, and he's Sinatra, always getting there early. I love hearing that.

He was a stickler. He was a stickler on time, Sinatra. Yeah, that's what I was told. I want to talk about your book. It's called Why Not Lessons on Comedy, Courage, and Kutzpah. Somebody wrote the foreword. Their name is Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah.

You've been friends with Seinfeld since 76. Is that, when you ask him to do something like that? Is it just, is that an easy ask, just to ask Seinfeld to write something like that? No. It's not an easy ask because you know how many asks Jerry Seinfeld and people of that level get. Constant. Everybody that writes a book that knows him wants a, you know, something from him. And he, by the way, I had a book before that.

I killed True Stories of the Road and he did the forward to that one too. so I asked him and he thought about it for a minute and he goes sure sure I'll do it and I thanked him I've been I've been on the road with him now for 25 years I've asked for five things in 25 years you know it's once every five years I'm happy I'm grateful for the job but you you can't push these guys because there are there's so many people that are I mean he gets the letters from people that are dying you know please call my son he's in a coma you know I mean It's like nonstop. So he did the forward.

And if you read that forward, that is one of the most gracious. It talks about me like I'm frigging Charlie Chaplin. I mean, he says so many. There's a line in there. I don't think I could have gone through this comedy road or world without Mark Schiff. All your peers, Paul Reiser, I mean, so many of them will say the kindest. I mean, just true things about you and your ability. But that's great.

everybody check that book out. I did want to ask you, and I don't know if this is in the book, too. I have to check it out. But was there a night? I heard it. I don't know if it was the comic strip that you, did you throw something at a comedy booker or somebody, adore a person? That was pre-Jim McCauley.

I was getting ready to tell Jim McCauley to go F himself later on in my illustrious early career. So one night, I met the improv on 44th and 9th. And Bob Shaw was the MC, a very funny guy, had some great routines. He says, all right, Mark, you're on next. And I said, great. And, you know, when you're on next, you're getting ready and you're nervous and you want to go on. You want to do well. It's just very early in my career, you know, and you had to do good every shot.

So I'm all ready. And then all of us, Ronnie Shakes walks in. And I was friends with Ronnie, and I love Ronnie. And Bob goes over to Ronnie and says, hey, Ronnie, would you? You want to go on next? And Ronnie goes, yeah. Ronnie doesn't know that I was promised the spot. So Ronnie leaves and goes wherever he goes, a bathroom.

I don't know where he goes. And I went over the bob. I said, you said I was on next. He goes, yeah, well, Ronnie came in and I bumped you for him. I said, I'll come. He said, because Ronnie's funnier than you. So he turned and walked away and had a glass of Coke in my hand. I threw it at his head.

And I missed his head and it hit the wall and broke into a thousand pieces. and Chris Albrecht, who became the head of HBO, eventually, was running the improv at the time. He had not gone out to California, and he barred me from the club for two weeks. He says, he don't throw a glass at somebody's head because they don't put you on. And then Chris actually ended up being my friend,

and when he moved to California, he became an agent at ICM, and told me to come out and he would represent me. Incredible career. I was going to say, if you were banned or not, But two weeks, you got off lucky, I have to say. You've had so many amazing stories. Everybody, check out Mark's book, Why Not, Lessons on Comedy, Courage, and Hutzpah. You have your podcast.

We think it's funny. Let me show you something. I don't know if you do this. I'll show you this. So I don't know if you, can you see this. I can't. Yes, I can see that, the photo. Yeah, that's my mother.

That's my father. And that's me, 12 years old. the night that I decided to do stand-up comedy. You saw Dangerfield, right? It's right. And this is where it is, this is the nightclub I was at with my parents when I saw Dangerfield. And that's me 12 years old, just sitting there staring and about to see Rodney Dangerfield

any minute and making a decision at 12 that I am going to be a stand-up comedian. I love that. And then you do Johnny show, you do Dave Letterman, and then you get to know Rodney. And Rodney is in the hospital. And unfortunately, he's dying, and his wife calls you and said, Rodney wants to see you. And we went up and say goodbye to Rodney the day before he died. And it was amazing going from that nightclub at 12 years old to holding Rodney's hand with only one day to live. Amazing life, Mark Schiff.

Thank you so much for doing this. I'm grateful that we got to do this. This was fun. Amazing stories. Check out the book. Check out the podcast. And, yeah, it's been a long time. So, yeah, it was good catching up.

We think it's funny with Daniel Bell, and hopefully we're going to have you on. Oh, I haven't been to L.A. in a while, but when I'm there, that would be fun. Thanks for the kind of invite. I'll be there. I'm not going to pull the Leno. Maybe I'll beat Leno. I'll go two days beforehand, and then I'll go the day before and, yeah, I'll do a do Jay in terms of professionalism. Anything, it's open to you, buddy. Thank you for everything. You know, you've really completed the, in many ways, the tonight show, Johnny Carson, Legacy. it needed to be done and you did it. Oh, thank you.

It was so fun. I'm getting together with you. I can't believe that is almost 10 years ago, something like that that I went over. How do I look? And we got to do that. You look great. I just go to you.

I wish I would give. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Thanks for listening. Please subscribe so you never miss an episode. On Apple Podcast, please rate it and leave a review. Be sure to go to late-nighter.com for all your late-night TV news. and you can find my podcast at latenighter.com forward slash podcasts.

Have a wonderful week, and I'll see you next Tuesday. Thank you. Thank you.