Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum - Amanda Crew

Episode Date: September 17, 2019

Amanda Crew (Silicon Valley, Tone Deaf, Haunting in Connecticut) opens up about her “dark night of the soul” experience plus distinct moments from her childhood that, coupled with her environment growing up, could have led to adverse traits developing as an adult. Amanda also chats about her early acting career growing up Canada, appearing in Smallville, her newfound passion for directing, and her love for her fiance... but disdain for the term. Amazing convo on this one folks! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Light the path to a brighter future with stellus lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLOR.com. And ask your family eye care professional for SLOR Stellas lenses at your child's next visit. You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum. Hi, y'all. I want to say thank you again for listening, folks. And the new podcast in love with Michael Rosenbaum and Chris Sullivan, be sure to listen to that. If you haven't, I'm not going to linger on that, like a cranberry song.

Yeah, in love with Michael Rosenbaum and Chris Sullivan. It's a fun show. And write a review, subscribe, all that stuff. We appreciate it. Thanks for listening to this show inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum. I will be in Madison, Wisconsin. Well, first of all, October 18th. weekend. I will be in Columbus for a convention with Tom Willing. We'll be signing in Madison

the 25th of October, November 8th in Austin, and November 15th, I'll be in Germany with my band left on Laurel. Guys, I've been working on this thing for a long time and, you know, you hear about actors and stuff and they, you know, they want to be in a band, they want to do music. I just, I always wanted to be a singer, but I thought, I don't sing like Adam Lambert. So we were playing in our garage, a bunch of, a bunch of guys, friends. And, you know, We made an album, man, and it's good. I really love it. So, October 4th, the album comes out on all platforms.

You could actually go to the iTunes store right now and pre-order an album. So check out Left On Laurel. In the weeks coming, we're going to play some songs at the end of every episode, a song from the album. We're on at Left on Laurel on Instagram and Twitter and Facebook. So thank you. Today's guest is Amanda Crew from Silicon Valley. She just did a movie called Tone Def, which you guys should go check out. You know, a big horror movie fanatic.

What else? Silicon Valley, it's the final season. She talks about a lot, working with Harrison Ford. She also talks about her depression. She's very open about anxiety, eating disorders, depression. This is why I try to get guests on the show who open up and talk about things that you might be experiencing in your life. It's a really interesting story. Check her flick out tone deaf.

Let's get inside of Amanda Crew. It's my point of you. You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum. Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum was not recorded in front of a live studio audience. We can swear on this, right? Because I've just done two podcasts where I was like, no swearing. I'm like, this is really hard. and the emphasis of like it's really effing hard is it sounds stupid uh it's it was fucking hard and that sounds

better uh so can we swear on this well you already have oh okay you know what i don't care it's like if you feel like swearing you swear i'm not gonna like go no no no no i swear it doesn't matter you say what you want i think i asked jim jeffreys i said jim would you s a d for a million dollars and he said absolutely not mate well terrible australian accent i'm doing but he's like no no no i have money i don't need that and the image of having that with me even with a million dollars it's like i don't need it and then an hour later he goes and by the way i would ask that dude a millionaire had been thinking about it the whole interview yeah by the way i have a new guest besides amanda crew the great amanda crew who's with me from silicon valley

and tone deaf i'm very excited about this i like horror movies it's so sort of in that vein. Yeah. It's smarter. It's a little deeper than just your slasher flick. I got you. Comedic. Because you're funny.

I guess. Right? People say. Well, anyway, Ryan is the new engineer. He's here. It's his first day. He's here. He's going to be helping me out.

We've been buddies. He does expressive art therapy with me on Friday night with some other friends. What is that? Yeah. Well, it's a thing that when I went to Connecticut to a wellness center, I, I, I, I, some art for the first time of my life and it puts a peacefulness around me makes me calm and you know I need that you could probably tell I'm a little bit of art like painting listen I I started art in fourth grade and quit in fourth grade because I was bad and I was colorblind

and I just felt really not colorblind just terrible at art well I just you know I just felt like I was dumb and my teachers weren't you know my teacher wasn't really patient with me and anyway I was scared of art. I learned in this place at 47 years old that I don't hate art. I just, I needed someone to show me the way and be patient with me. And she always says, this woman, Comer, she would say, Michael, saboteurs are outside. I didn't even know what the word saboteur mean. Apparently it means like, do you not watch RuPaul? Is that what he says? Saboteur. All the time. That's your inner saboteurs. Sabotagers. Is that what it is? Sabotagers would be the same meaning. It's a really eloquent way of saying it, you're saboteur. Saboteur.

So Ryan, tell us, is here. Ryan's quiet. He's funny. Ryan, just say hi. Oh, hi. Yeah, I'll start by saying, uh, you didn't know this, but it's pronounced Tayas. Well, I fucked out. Well, everybody, welcome to Ryan Tejas. It's the first thing. How did I not know that? It doesn't come up. You just call me Ryan. Well, I call you Michael. That's embarrassing. Long time, friend. But welcome, welcome Ryan. And more importantly, welcome Amanda. So anyway, man i told you if anything fucks up it's ryan's fault and it's his first day so no pressure so i appreciate you coming here i appreciate you inviting me you uh you listen to the show yeah not like you know every episode but i did your homework yeah i i wanted to well my friend listened to it and

she told me about it probably like maybe eight months ago it was actually like she was like wanting to set you up with her her friend she's like he's in this place he's ready for a woman and I think they would be like great together. Do you know the woman? There's a whole other backstory to that that we don't need to air on your podcast about it. Now I want to know. I think you guys did end up connecting.

How? Just like via like DMs. And you guys. We never went out. No, no, no, no. But it was just kind of weird that you guys actually ended up connecting. But I feel like I'm already divulging way too much.

Well, what's going to happen? What's the person going to say? I can't believe it, Amanda. I can't believe all the way out here in Langley. I heard it. Is she from Langley? You're from Langley. I am from Langley. We shot Smallville up in Langley. We had the Smallville house, the farm set, you know? Talk of the town.

You were on Smallville. I was. She looks off to the distance. Are you embarrassed that you're on Smallville? I was not embarrassed. It was like one of my first acting job. So I was very excited because that was like the show to be on. And also I was like a huge like I looked up to Kristen Crook so much. because she was, like, from Vancouver. She had done this other show.

And then all of a sudden she's on Smallville and, like, she's made it, which for me was like, oh, it's possible. So to get to, like, even breathe the same air on Smallville was huge for me at that time. But, like, my part was like, I don't know, girl number two. You were a sorority girl, right? I was a sorority girl. And, like, you know, it was a part where she's like, it was so embarrassing because it's just like, I can't even remember what the point was, but I end up, like, taking off my shirt.

What? And, but I was like, 17, but in a 12-year-old's body. Like, there's, there was nothing sexy about it. You were 17 when you did this show, Smallville, and the producers asked you to take your shirt off as a 17-year-old. Maybe I was 18. I would hope so, first of all. Yeah. And I hope they wouldn't say, well, I guess they'd have to ask the question, wouldn't you be willing to take your shirt up?

Obviously not your bra, it's just your shirt. Yeah, yeah, it's, come on, it was Smallville. I wasn't naked, but, uh, but there, there was nothing sexy. Like, I'm just not someone who leads with their sexuality. Like, that was a part of like, sexy sorority girl and, but my insides were like, I am a tomboy who does not know what she's doing. So, where did you meet Kristen? I didn't meet Kristen. Oh, I know.

Did you want to? I knew I wasn't. I wasn't going to because I didn't have any scenes with her, and I think I would have been too scared to meet her. Really? Yeah. Do you get nervous meeting stars? Not anymore, but at that age, I was just so freaked out by everything. Is that because you are a star?

Yeah, I'm like, who are you? Is that why? No, I think it's like, it's fun to meet, you know, celebrities, but I've lost that whole thing of like, oh my God, there are so much more important and better than me. Like, we're all fucking human being, so, like, good for you. And I think so many times I've met people, and I'm like, oh, disappointing. Who have you been disappointed by? I'm not going to name names. I will say that.

Will Smith? I get star struck by, like, reality stars. Are you? What is that? I get star struck by it. Like Snoopy? I wouldn't buy snuckie. Snooky star.

Snokey. Snokey. Snokey. Was it not Snokey? Was it not... Boo-boo? Mama boo-boo? What's that show from? Honey-boo-boo? No, it's like if, like, any real housewife, I would...

Ooh, I met one of them. They were married to Kelsey Grammer, and we met on this trip. Camille Sullivan. Camille. I met her just on that trip, and, you know, she was nice then, but that was it. I hadn't seen her since. Yeah, well, they were divorced after that. Her whole life changed. Did you like her? Listen, I'm not going to get into my controversial opinions on the housewives. Also, I don't need to waste my time on it.

You don't need to waste your time on it, although you get starstruck by them. I saw Lisa Rina at like an Emmy party, and it was like, Tom Hanks to my left, John Travolta to my right. Lisa Rina? That's who I was excited about. Wow. So that's very telling of me. I just never feel comfortable around actors. You know, it depends if they're like, you know, they like horror movies.

We have something uncommon. They're just very approachable and fun. but I never feel that comfortable around you're interviewing them all the time I do but I you know I still get nervous I get nervous before you came here because you know you want to do a good interview you want to you know and I don't know you this is even more intimidating because I don't know you yeah but isn't that fun because now you get to learn about me yeah I'm an open book I'm an open are you really an open book for the most part I mean I there's certain areas that I've always felt like private about but for the most part like as far as like my damage my

like my darkness like the shit I've done like I'm not there you're not damaged that's that's why I can be so open it's like there's no damage open me up nothing but roses okay see I'm sense in a little obviously there's some sarcasm here who doesn't have fucking damage Ryan Tayas well now he does because he's like my new boss doesn't even know my fucking last name well you know it's I would first of all not I wouldn't say boss I mean that we're friends first and So he's like, yeah, I would do it. I was like, why you try it out, man? When you try it out?

Come here and engineer. If it works out, it works out, you know, it's, it could be fun, you know, whatever. I like him so far. Yeah, he's cool. He's, you know, he's a nice guy. Thanks, boss. Thanks, boss, man. Don't get that I've like set this up now.

You said something before we started here out there. You said something like, um, because I'm doing another show called in love with Michael Rosamom and Chris Sullivan. Um, and, you know, we have couples on and, and you're like, no, no, no, no, we don't even go to red carpets together, my, my, my fiance and I'm like, wait, what? First of all, I did not say fiance, because I think it's the grossest word ever. Oh, you didn't say that. You said boyfriend.

Yeah, I call him my boyfriend. Even though we're engaged, I was just like, he's my boyfriend. You never use the word fiance? It's gross. Does he like to use it? No, it's a gross word. Both of us agree. Can you, it almost feels like you, you have that kind of personality where you're almost,

maybe do you say romantic, real things, or is it hard to stay serious, stay in the moment? Because I have that problem where I'm like, I just, I really, what was that? I just, I want to say something really nice, but I, I, it depends. I mean, with, with my friends and with my boyfriend, I, vulnerability is like so easy. But I think, like, settings like this, it takes me a minute to be like, ooh, is this safe territory? I'll just like be sarcastic. and it's it's a defense mechanism of course i do it too it's coping yeah how do we cope i i talk about as i grew up i mean i always still to this day the only way i feel like i'm accepted is if i make

someone laugh right if i go in a room and i do an impression oh he did rodney dangerfield oh oh oh he's funny he could hang out right i feel like if i'm i need to be accepted i do that especially with men to i think growing up i didn't like how i was treated because I hate even saying this is like you're a somewhat attractive person so then men treat you differently so I always wanted to be treated like one of the guys I would make that happen by like just being crass and making rude jokes so that guys would be like oh she's cool she can hang with us she's not like a prissy Barbie doll if that makes sense yes so again it's a defense mechanism it's like how do I make these guys think that I'm just cool yeah like I'm not just full of

myself. It's hard to be yourself, isn't it? It's a daily struggle. So your friend, you could be yourself and your husband, but you feel like it takes time. Obviously, I think that's human nature. Yeah, for sure. I think I've gotten better at it as I've gotten older because it's just like, oh, who gives a fuck? Like, it's just, this is who I am. But when I was younger, I really struggled with it because I was very perfectionist, type A, wear the mask to go to high school so that people think I'm I am this like popular girl whereas inside I'm like I'm freaking out and I'm weird were you popular I hung out with the popular kids but I never felt like I belonged with them like like I just said like I feel like that with celebrities I feel like I'm here I did some work I'm sort of people so kind of know me but we all feel like frauds like all actors feel like the inner dialogue is like they're going to figure it out soon Always. I'm a fraud.

I'm not funny. I got lucky. I'm not talented. It was just good lighting that one time. And I'm just, yeah, what is that? I think it's just insecure actors and we seek validation through our work. Just sad. Just sad.

Do you think that like it started for you? Did you have like self-worth at a young age? Did you think your parents were loving and kind and caring and? So I believed that my parents were loving. and kind. I received a lot of love from them. Yet my self-worth was negative. I had very low self-worth. Why? I mean, you go to therapy. I could tell. Yeah, I do. My therapist used to be up the road from here, but she moved. What was, well, you don't have to give it an aim. Why would I ask that? It's really stupid. Phaas, do you have a therapist? No, this is my therapy, actually.

Good luck. Just one-liner. He's been saving these up. I like it. To be honest, I understand my low self-worth, but I don't know if I know exactly where it stems from. I was just always a very scared child. I was always looking for what could go wrong. Here's what I'll say. I've been doing some look into kind of the energy that you feel as a baby in the womb. So like what your mother is going through, Walt, don't give you that look. I'm giving you that look

because I'm starting to freak out now with anxiety thinking this makes keep going. I know where you're going. But the energetically, what you're feeling in the womb, which makes sense. I mean, I can feel your energy, like how you're feeling.

Like maybe I'm not taking it on, but I can sense that. And but when you're a baby in the womb and if your mother is stressed or my mom, when she was pregnant with me my dad was going through chemotherapy and she had a three year old two year old daughter so and she was the breadwinner so it's like the amount of stress and fear she must have been going through while I was in the womb just trying to make it through

I'm sure I took that on because I've always just had this sense of like what the fuck's going happen like I fall asleep thinking about like what could go wrong I wake up you know when you wake up and you're not even awake so you don't even have control over your thoughts and you're waking up and you're like yeah today could be the day that like you get fired from that show because you did that weird thing and like I'm just always thinking about what could go wrong so that's something I'm working on right now of just kind of giving myself some space well you know while you're saying all that of course I thought of me and I thought what was going on my dad was 19. My mom was 22 when she had me. She already had two kids, 16 and 17 when she was 16 and 17.

A lot of pot going around. I remember sitting on a hippie's lap in Long Beach, New York, just him playing guitar or some people playing guitar and people passing around joints is a little, I mean, I remember I was tiny. I remember just this fucking function around me. And also imagine being in the belly, even before that when I was in my mom's belly. They were living. with my grandmother, my dad, my mom and the two kids, my grand, and it was stressed and I'm sure there was yelling and, you know, my mom was pop and valium, I'm sure. Some form of it, I'm sure. Yeah, that's kind of scary, but it makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

Yeah. So there's no way your mom probably loves hearing that because she's like, what could I do? I didn't know that. You weren't even born yet. You were in my belly. How could I assume? Well, and it's also, I think parents want to, like, not have done anything to hurt their kids, but the truth is, like, we're human beings.

So you're going to fuck up. And things like that were well-intentioned by my parents. Like, for example, my sister, when she was six, I was three, she was diagnosed with a rare brain disease called moya-moa, which essentially restricted the blood going to her brain. So she had, and they couldn't diagnose it forever. Like, they didn't know what was going on. She would just have these, like, seizures. And so finally got diagnosed. But like during that time, there's lots of doctor visits. And then she ended up having brain surgery. So she, you know, twice because they had to do each side. and me, I'm three years old, my parents with the best of intentions were trying to not have to take me to the hospital because how traumatic for a child to go to the children's hospital and be in that environment. So they would have me stay at like a friend's house, like I was friends with their kids and they're like, you can spend the night here. But I was three. And so all I saw was like my family abandoning me going all off together and leaving me behind so it was like with the best of intentions they were trying to protect me but it really i have abandonment issues as as a result now see it's interesting you say that because uh my sister my half my dad remarried

after my mom and they've been he just got divorced again but he had two daughters um eva and lea may and Leah was born with a chromosomical issue called trisomey and wait did they have like a campaign to raise money for this no they should because I was like I don't I was like did I donate to this this sounds really familiar well you can there's no cure it's just she's 14 years old and she can't speak she can't walk she can't do anything and you know I visited her in the hospital like a month ago with my dad. And there is no doubt that my other sister was so affected by her little sister always being in the hospital and almost dying all the time and turning blue and trips to the hospital. So I look at it that way where if she didn't go to the hospital, you're saying abandonment

issues. If she goes to the hospital, she has this sort of, she loves her sister. It's obvious. There's obviously some disconnect where she just shuts off i could see it and it really i got emotional there and i think i was more emotional because of that it made me so sad and um so you know you say that it was like because you didn't go to the hospital and they left you to i totally see the other thing too like if they had brought me what that would have done probably could have been worse could have been worse and i think at the end of the day it's just like that's what my point is is like parents try to protect their kids from everything, but we're human beings on earth. Like life is going to deal a shitty hands and we're never going to be safe from everything.

And we need to go through those things to shape certain parts of ourselves and to experience things to strengthen certain muscles and what have you. It's all part of the journey. Inside of You is brought to you by Quince. I love Quince, Ryan. I've told you this before. I got this awesome $60 cashman. sweater. I wear it religiously. You can get all sorts of amazing, amazing clothing for such

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so they know I sent you. Don't wait. Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about them from my show inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum. Rocket Money. Let me ask you this. Do you, did you, because you acted since you were young, right? I was started when I was 15.

15. Yeah. Did you, have you always loved it? Is it something that you always wanted to do? You crave. You've got to do it. Or is there an essence of like, it helps with self-esteem and approval.

Is there that or is it, you know, because I had a therapist tell me if it's mostly that, it's not good. Right. If it's like you really love it, I enjoy it. And yeah, it gives me this, then that's, that's healthy. I fucking love it. You love it. Like, I love it.

And, but this past year, well, two years did a real deep dive on all of that kind of reflection on the self-worth, the, how much am I connecting my self-worth? to my career and all of that and essentially ended up taking a sabbatical for a year because it just I went through this really dark period where nothing made sense anymore like in my personal life in my career everything and just kind of evaluating all of that and I feel like I'm just coming out the other end of that deep soul journey whatever that was but it it it was a mind fuck I don't even know how to really summarize it's I'm still kind of of reeling from it all it was I can't even put into words what happened in those two years I mean

that's terrible tease for your listeners are like talk about it um let me tell you something I just got back from a wellness center my listeners know I I I had to get away I had to I could not deal I think I you know from surgeries and from whatever I just got depressed I got in my head and I went there with no hope really other than hey at least I'm doing it at least I'm trying

but I remember saying you know I don't think you guys can help me I don't know what's going on I just and when you start to chip away at things and you get deep and you get on

and I think it's the first time I ever felt safe so I went to a place where then I immediately felt safe and I was crying here's a funny story I started crying to this woman there and I thought

I had already mourned. My grandparents, my grandfather has Alzheimer's and my grandmother's 91 and she's in so much pain. In fact, while I was at this place, she had just put my grandfather, we did, into a memory facility and she was like, Mikey, I'm 91 years old. I've never been alone. I live with my parents. My, or it's always been with me. I can't. And I'm just going, I'm like, so emotional. And I'm, you know, at the same time, she's like, what are you doing? What is this place? And I'm like, well, it's, you know, I was being around the book. Yeah, it's a place where I can get, you know, I'm going to get my mind straight. She's like, what's wrong with your mind?

And we started talking about, you know, all these things. And I realized that I hadn't mourned my grandfather. I thought that every year that went by, I lost a little of them and I mourned a little. But all of a sudden, I'm so emotional with this woman. I mean, five minutes into this session, day two of this place, and I'm not an emotional guy. I mean, I get like, you know, I'll cry at a movie every once in a while. while. But this was raw and I felt like a human being. And then funny thing is, she goes, well, we don't have to do acupuncture today. And I realized she was an acupuncturist.

She wasn't even my therapist. But she's a healer. She goes, no, don't be embarrassed. It's fine. I'm like, what? She was the right place. She goes absolutely. And by the way, I'm in contact with all of them there. In fact, my therapist, one of my new therapist, we FaceTime. She's from there. I go, can I have to keep you. Yeah. When you find a good one. By the way, female, I never went to a female therapist. Oh, interesting.

I now go. Because I just hit a wall where I was like, what am I doing this for? What do I, I have to find more purpose. I have to find. Oh my God, you went through a dark night of the soul. Talk to me about. That's what I went through. Dark night of the soul.

So. Why am I thinking Batman? It's like Batman. So this happened to me. Mine started like two years ago. And I, I'd never heard of that term before. before, but I was just, nothing made sense to me anymore. And it was like, like everything that used to ground me or drive me, motivate me, like what I wanted, my purpose, all of that used to make

so much sense. And then suddenly it just, none of it made sense anymore. So I had a friend who's like, oh, you're going through a dark night of the soul. And I'm immediately like Googling like, what the fuck is a dark night of the soul? You know, I'm going to do that now. You've got to. because it there's this book by Thomas Moore called Dark Knights of the Soul that helped me so much because it gave shape to what I was going through so that it didn't feel so scary and it's essentially they say it's usually triggered by death like a sudden death um where life like you thought life was supposed to be one way and then it didn't make sense anymore but it can also just come on because you're evolving in a way where you're growing and how you've been

and living your life doesn't make sense to you anymore, which is what mine was rooted in. I've never heard of this. Here, I'm online. Seven signs you may be experiencing a dark night of the soul. We tend to doubt everything we've known to be true. In worst, best case scenarios, we tend to fall into an existential crisis or dark night of the soul. But if we are able to make it through this dark time and shed that which has weighed us down, then we will open up once again and even wider.

than before number one you're experiencing or have experienced ego death i don't i don't know what that is but i'll read it later two it is only when you're alone that you realize you're never alone you have a new found appreciation of your mortality i guess these are these are after after after that's definitely not what you're feeling when you're in it the purpose of your life has taken on new meaning i'll tell you what mine has actually taken on meaning for the first time of my life i really feel like I'm alive inside. I agree. Like I feel like I just want to, I don't know what it is.

I've always been charitable. Is that the right word? Yeah. I've always been like, you know, I want to help and this and that. But there's a difference between feeling it and just going, yeah, I'll donate to your thing. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that. Like I went to a children's hospital, the Ronald McDonald's house.

And I'm going there every week now. And when you start to look at people who. are just trying to fucking live or people with their kids who are just, you know, Ronald O'Donnell House, if you don't know about it, it provides housing for families. And, you know, while their kid is going through these horrible, you know, diseases and surgeries and cancers. And you go there and you're like, I'm not saying that your problems are not worthy because you have to deal with your problems. But part of it is being grateful and saying, you know what? look at this.

These are these beautiful kids around me. And you know what? I'm going to make them smile and I'm going to make them happy and I'm going to make them just enjoy. And that's why I'm here. And when you could just go to, you know, I'm a part of this organization, Food on Foot, which is the best homeless organization nonprofit you could ever go to and helps homeless people get jobs and, and, yeah, all this.

And you go there and you spend a couple hours a week where you part of a part of a 98 club where you give $98 a month it's it's nothing people we waste money 18 a week on fucking drugs well not drugs more how much money is spent on one postmate at chicken wings dot com right there's $100 Ryan give me a better one than that chickenwings dot com yeah I mean that was pretty good one I don't know what you mean I just didn't like you know like chicken wings dot com I don't know it's like dot net chicken wings dot net org let's go into it's funny but you know what uh so all I'm saying is Like, these are, this is common sense.

But I think we get so worked up in our own lives and like, me, me, me, me, me, life, work, work, work. And if you don't take a fucking step back, man, because you're here such a short time. And you don't go, is this what my life is? So when I'm 85 in my deathbed, I go, oh, you were this guy on this show and people liked you. Fuck you, man. My therapist in Connecticut goes, it's all bullshit. It's great, Michael. It's great that you have all that.

it's great but that doesn't define you it doesn't define me it doesn't define the world tells you that you get caught up in and what other people want right oh my agent wants this my oh i need to do this oh i need to make people happy i need to be on a show so everybody goes oh look he's working what michael the big question what are you what have you been up to oh well i've been doing this and this i'm like hey man i'm fucking doing nothing man i'm going to donate at a homeless shelter i'm going to do this what are you fucking doing totally that was that was a year off that I took it, but I get it. But I think the anger comes from you realizing, because I had the same anger where I was like, I've been living my life for someone else. I haven't been living it for myself.

And not because someone told me to that I just fell into this fucking hamster wheel that we've all fallen into of believing that like there's these things we need to do. And like, you know, we need to, as a woman, it's just like the classic things of like, I need to look a certain way so that people think I'm attractive and then, like, validate me and then do certain roles that, like, look good on my resume so that everyone's like, wow. Like, that's why I realize, like, half of my Instagram activity, like, is just, it's not even for the fans. It's to, like, impress my peers. Like, look at the stuff I've been working on. I hope that other actress saw that.

Like, that's gross. That's, and that's ego. We all do it. I mean, even if you're not in the industry and, you know, you have a post. hey look at my new brand new car so your neighbor can look and go oh that fuck it's like you know it's like this constant need to one up or need to it's i think what happened what you're saying is what we're all saying is like you just you get overwhelmed with minutia you know like totally that's why i got off social media you're off completely i deleted it so i guess you're not going to post

when you're on this on this fucking podcast great guess she's not going to promote it well i guess you're leaving it to me to promote now. Yeah. Amanda Crew, tone deaf coming this fall. A psychological thriller. I should, I wish they, they don't do voices, uh, trailer voices anymore. I was gonna say, like, you should be doing it. Why, why not?

They don't do them anymore, though. You never see it's just like fast music, fast pace. Only for like, yeah, for like a spoof. Could you do it? Could you do a trailer voice for a movie? How would you do yours? I, it's never a female voice. So it's just like, they see, well, things could change.

Well, I wouldn't be hired. coming this fall tone death august 23rd not even this fall it's this summer i'm dumb you're fired i was just gonna ask you how long the wellness retreat was three weeks that's amazing three weeks seven days a week though it wasn't like five days and then oh they'll get plastered fuck no it's like i came here to dive deep it was hard it was hard because you have companions with you whether you're you're a drug addict or an alcoholic or you're not on any of them you know you're just there they have rules you know it's just like hey you can't drink you can't do drink you can't you have a companion who stays with you um they're there and by the way they that they was important that i

had someone there because like there were times where i go i just like there's a couple times where i felt like i fell apart like i fuck yeah you're diving deep that shit is traumatic it was traumatic because it was it was surprisingly traumatic but cathartic it was just fucking it's important mental it's great that we could talk about that because for many years you know mental health is something you just never talked about now people are talking about mindfulness and you know the meditation and therapy and you know I started this this podcast not even for those reasons like you know maybe I'll make some money gee that didn't work no but you know I think why people like it is because I am just being as vulnerable as I can be and I and I hope my guests are

which you are absolutely being that. And I never know with people. Are they going to open up and they're going to tell their story? And so for me, it became therapy for me, which became sort of therapy for the guest and therapy for the audience. And, you know, if it's something they take away from this interview where they're like, you know, when she was talking about that, I totally get it. And, you know, it's just, it's okay to be fucked up.

It's okay. Oh, my God. Well, that's why I'm talking about that Dark Nights of the Soul book by Thomas Moore, what I love so much about it was that. it made something that sounded very fucking scary of like, oh, cool. So like, I'm untethered and floating in space and have no idea which way is up. Nothing makes sense anymore. Really excited about this. But it painted it in this way of like, this is an opportunity. There's such a gift in this where you get to go to the depth of yourself to the basement that no one wants to go to,

but it's a whole part of yourself that you get to explore that you've been denying of yourself. And there's so many gifts to find there. And it's true like i discovered a whole part of myself that i didn't know was was there that has opened up a whole other world of being for me that has just changed my day-to-day experience what did your boyfriend his boyfriend fiancee husband what did what did he do during this process because it sounds like you were you were pretty dark yeah and it sounds like uh you know you had a lot of figuring out to do where you worried oh my god he's He's going to leave me because I'm a mental patient?

So I have the most incredible boyfriend in the world because he's, we've been together like nine years. So he's, he's been through it with me. When we met, I was coming out of an eating disorder. So he's seen that side of me. I've always struggled with anxiety and depression. And he has never, in the nine years that we've been together, when I've had some weird episode has never taken it personally. Like my favorite story to tell is when I was having like a really triggering day

with just all of this stuff and I was just like just about to break. And I was driving home and I texted him like, can you make some rice to go with the dinner? And so he's like, yeah, for sure. And so he makes this whole dinner. He, like, roast the vegetables, he makes the chicken, everything. And I get home and I'm like, where's the rice? And he's like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I forgot the rice.

And I fucking lost it. Like, had the biggest meltdown over rice, which obviously it wasn't about the rice. And most men would be like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, it would have been a huge fight of like, you know, I made you all this whole, like I made you dinner i did everything for each day and you're freaking out about the rice but he just immediately he was just like what's wrong what happened today and i just like sobbed for 20 minutes without even saying anything and he just laid beside me while i sobbed um and and then could find a pussy i'm kidding i mean that's a real man that's a real man because any guy would probably be at first it's

like whoa what the fuck did i do i just made you fucking dinner i forgot the rice and you're freaking out what the fuck this girl this is nuts women am i right but you know what it's guys too how many guys go what the fuck you know it's like look i love that there's patience there there's just absolute love he adores you can tell yeah and that's the right man for you no doubt when you can just lose your shit and you know what i just did is not cool totally and he he just react the way he did that that's maturity too it is and and also we've talked about it me and him before because there's also though he's not a dormant like he'll call me out on my shit too if I'm like you know walking all over him like he also won't allow me to just kind

of like but he can tell when is the right time to call me out and when is the time to be kind of the helping hand of like what's going on but he's he's he's a very patient and understanding. Good on him. Nine years. Yeah. You know who you have a slight resemblance to? You know, I'm going to, you just go ahead and say it.

Is it Molly Ringwald? Oh my God, I can kind of see that. Could we reenact a scene from 16 candles? I've only seen it like once. I've never bagged a babe. Do you remember that scene where Anthony Michael Hall is in the car and like in the shop class or something, the empty car that's like, you know, it's not, it's in the school and they're sitting there just talking.

I don't remember any of it. Well, Molly Ringwald's sitting there and he's like, can I tell you? something you promise you won't laugh she's oh i promise i promise i won't laugh he's like i never bagged a babe and then she starts laughing and he's like i appreciate you not laughing it's so dead and i'll never forget it but i could see a little molly ring while i could see a little jennifer love hewitt yeah i used to get that all the time yeah god those are good things can't hardly wait her name was amanda she was on the podcast and she was amazing a boy was she vulnerable she talked about her mom's death and uh one of my favorite guests to this date i urge you to listen to it if you

if you haven't she's really a beautiful person there are good people in the industry aren't there there are as you learn do you love just acting would you would you want to do anything else uh well part of the past two years was the realization i want to direct and i wrote a script during that time too and writing the script was kind of the realization of oh i need to direct this because I can see this and no one else can bring this to life. Like, this is in my head. And so I started, like, directing a couple of music videos to see, like, do I actually really like this?

And I fucking loved it. Like, it just confirmed for me. That is also a path that I want to explore. But I'm trying not to put too much pressure on it the way that it's like I already have enough pressure on my acting career. So how do you, how do you sort of get your shit together and focus and, not have anxiety attacks when you're getting you know you're working on your lines do you ever feel comfortable do you ever do you feel nervousness do you get anxiety do you oh my god have attacks do you are you

you on meds what do you do um no no meds you don't take any meds no i have like a even when i was young i hated taking medication i hated when i was sick and they were like you have to take like i just always even like when i was eight i was like i don't want to take the medicine i hated taking Advil. That's a good thing. Um, and so I've always been very kind of adverse for myself. I've just always have resisted it. Um, but then I also like when I was like 19, I went through a real dark phase in Vancouver, uh, dating this guy. It was like my first like love, but also toxic relationship and like he was a partier. And so I went from like never even really being drunk. to like taking three ecstasy pills in one night oh my god like just like from zero to a hundred

and the feeling after doing ecstasy like the serotonin completely robbed your body but then also being someone who like already is prone to anxiety and depression but still young and not having an awareness or understanding of that the way that I would feel for a week like he would just he would just bounce back the next day he was it was insane like he was he was an addict you said it i didn't well i mean if you can bounce back like that's like you know i remember powdering my nose about 15 years ago and i just couldn't do it i was like oh my god people are like uh why don't you like it's so great i'm like well uh the next day i uh i can't uh bring it at all i my scientists are all the fuck well i just wanted to kill myself after i

I was just like, but on it. It's pretty fun. Oh my God. It was, I mean, I get it. It's ecstasy. Great. We're telling everybody to take ecstasy. No, but. We're not. No, because afterwards that's, it just, it scared the shit out of me. And after that period lasted of ecstasy. Like, I just deep, did a deep dive, three weeks of it. And then I was fucking done. And I'd never touched another drug after that. Because I was just like, it scared the shit out of me, how much it changed the chemistry of my brain. and I had never you know I had dark days but never like it was triggered by nothing I was just laying in bed just like you're a shitty actor you're probably not going to get another job after this well and if you can't work again like what's the point of living you might as well kill yourself right now like it went that fast to like get out seriously I know those thoughts you know

what's funny is when I you know one of the things I learned when you wake up and you're lying there Unless you're really tired, you want to go right back to sleep. If your mind starts racing or you start to get the fuck up, I promise you, this is immediately. I jump out of bed. I don't care how tired I am. I go down, feed the dogs, take him for a walk. I chug some water. I come back home.

I meditate for 15 to 20 minutes. And I, you just can't, you cannot lie in bed. No. You cannot just lie there. It's going to kill you. You'll spin. You will spin. Ryan, do you do drugs?

Me? No. Have you ever been on drugs? I did mushrooms once in college. How'd you feel? It was the first time I'd never had like a song stuck in my head. That's like what I remember the point. Like because it was just, it just felt empty.

That's so great. It felt empty. I just felt totally empty on the inside. Did you hate that? I did like towards the end. Like I started to freak out a little bit. I was in Amsterdam with some friends in college. And so at the beginning we would just go.

So, you know, we had all the canals there. It was like sunset. So it was like the perfect timing. And so we would just go to each canal. judge the energy of the canal judge the energy I like that I like that I mean some I mean we just go

like that one had a good energy and then there was one I had a dead burden it and we're like that is bad energy I mean you just kind of know wow you just kind of knew that is the one and only time I've ever done drugs though oh my god I uh you know it's funny

as I've done drugs I just know now especially in the last 10 I know no matter what happens I always feel worse of course everybody's like oh I'll have a beer I'll have a drink I'm like I have an energy that I don't need that shit I just want to stay awake without doing.

I'm just, if I could stay up till 10 or 11, my friends know, hey, old man Rosenbaum, it's 10 p.m. I guess we're going to get kicked out in a minute. I go to bed at eight some nights. Like I am, like my friends just know I'm a granny. Like, I'm the first to go. And I used to be really insecure about that and feel like, ah, like, I'm young. Like, I should be out and having fun. And I'm like, you know what?

It's not fun for me. So I'm just going to go home and be okay with. that and I'm now like it's only in the past couple years that I've just gotten very secure in that it's just like this is who I am I go to bed early I wake up early it makes me happy yeah right and I have routine I think for me routine is so important I'm so vital my I have like a morning routine as long as they're good routines yeah you know yeah whatever makes you feel good yeah do you think that are you hard on yourself when a movie doesn't do well or a TV show doesn't do well do you sort of take like oh my god it's because of me um i used to really really battle with those thoughts

and i now like have a hard rule like i don't read reviews i don't google my name and see what people are saying about me it was funny because i so i deleted all my social media accounts and silicon valley is like uh give like raffling off a set visit in support of uh organization that i'm on the board of. And so that day, like, someone had told me that someone else had tweeted about it, you know, trying to get the word out. And so I went on Twitter to find this tweet and saw the first comment was, uh, I would love to come to the set of Silicon Valley as long as Amanda Cruz's not there. What? And I was just like, okay, yeah, that's why I can't, I can't go on social media. Because I can't like, you know, why would some, you got to just look at that. Like,

these people are really unhappy. And I see that for what it is. But like I don't want to expose myself to that because even though I know that on a You can't deal. You don't like dealing with it. You can't deal with it. Well, it's just like, then I just get like really sad about like God, like how sad that person is. And you're just trying to help people.

You're just trying to do something nice and like you're getting criticized for it. It's just to me, social media is like plugging into the nervous system of the world. That's just like, I fucking hate my life. And like, I'm going to. tell you about it and I'm feeling secure and like look how great my like it's just like this nervous system that I don't like I have to deal with my own nervous system I don't need to plug into like the world's nervous system I get it you know I feel like for me I think there was definitely times in my life where I'm like oh this didn't work and you know what dude maybe they just

you're not a draw because you're like you know you're good but maybe people just don't care maybe you just you start going down that wormhole you start going to And you start, and then you're like, dude, what the fuck? And that's where the self-worth comes in. Like, you got to know you're good. You got to not give a fuck. You got to just be like, hey, I'm strong. This is what I do for a living.

It's not my opinion. When everybody else thinks about me. It's none of my business. So fuck it. And I'm going to do my job and be the best I can. And that's fulfillment and self-worth in a way. And like, it's hard. It's super hard.

But I also find, too, that like, the projects that I'm the most proud of are usually the ones that no one has scene and it's it's about the experience that I had on it versus like you know some of the more kind of commercially successful ones that everyone's like freaking out over and you're like I actually had a really shitty time on that project but but everyone's celebrating it and so then there's like this weird disconnect of like I hate that project but you love it but I love this one that you didn't see what's your favorite project obviously Silicon Valley is a huge success yeah and that's that you're the only girl right well Suzanne Cryer who played She's my boss.

She also happens to be a lady. I said girl. You're the only girl, right? Like I'm eight years old. I say girl too, though. Like, a woman sounds weird. Do you want to be called a woman or a girl? I want to be called a girl.

She's a girl. Hey, do you know Amanda Crewe, that woman? She's a girl. She's a girl. So this movie, Tone deaf. Tone deaf. I don't know if you know, but I'm a big fan of horror movies. I didn't know that.

And I love Robert Patrick. Oh, my God. I mean, Terminator. Was he fun to work with? He was. You know, we actually... He's probably intense, isn't he? He's intimidating.

I mean, it's Robert Patrick. Yeah. And he's got this, like, cool truck that, like... Yeah, true, cool voice like that. Yeah. Rolls up on his Harley or his cool truck. Let's do this. We're rolling.

Start rolling. Oh, my God. Did he do that? Why don't we fucking rolling? Why am I on set? Because he's old school. Like, I love working with, like, old school actors. Because especially on indie film where you're working with, like, a younger crew,

they're teaching you, like, this is how you. you fucking do it and I love that like leadership of just kind of like showing you know this is how professional you're supposed to be like because I think sometimes we've lost that professionalism oh my god there's nothing more annoying than you're like you know Michael we need you on set right now I think do you and you go on set and you're like there for 40 minutes while they're still figuring shit out and you know those old timers I've seen him Christopher walking I worked with him name dropper and he was just like he they called him on set twice and they weren't ready and he looked at the director in this movie pool hall junkies i did and he goes the director's mars callahan he goes

maas and everybody kind of looked at walking goes today's my last day and he walked out and we're like uh you should probably go talk to mr walking he was just like you know i'm not going to do this come on set and i'm like but at the same time i'm like dude you're working three days for half a million shut the fuck up i'm i am of that camp i am of of the latter camp because I've seen I'll name drop Harrison Ford You were with him

Smoking a bomb What was Yeah I read that What'd you work on Age of Adeline And he I mean Talk about like

If anyone's allowed To like not show up to set It's Harrison Ford Like the guy is like Worked on the most iconic movies He's got a huge career I looked at him And I was like, that is a fucking professional.

This guy showed up, we were never waiting for him, like, never once. He showed up so enthusiastic. And my favorite story, I wasn't there, but the director told me that, like, they had the scene where he had to, like, run down this long driveway, dirt driveway. You know, and he's not young anymore, but he's got to, like, fucking sprint down this long driveway. So he does it a couple times. And the director's like, Harrison, this is great.

I love it. do you think we could do it one more time and do you think you could run like a little bit faster? He's like, oh yeah, the only problem is there's like this big hole in on the driveway down there and I'm trying not to hit it. But if we could fill that up, then I can run faster. And the director's like, yeah, of course. Well, I'll get the crew on it. So the director's trying to find like a crew member to like fill this hole. He turns back around.

There's Harrison picking up dirt from the side of the road, fill in the hole himself. Like not waiting for a crew member. come on and then they did it like five more times like he like he had him running for like an hour and he never once complained and that to me is just like a consummate professional a hundred percent he he had a mechanical hand you find this man did he did you ask him to say that i did not but he did fly his helicopter from vancouver to langley uh to go to set each day do you know my surgeon I'm watching the TV. Harrison Ford crashed his plane into a golf course today.

And I'm like watching the news. And it's like, Dr. Sanjay Karana at the disc center in Marina Del Rey was actually playing golf and rescued him. And supposedly did surgery on him. And I'm like, dude. That's my dude. And he signed my Star Wars poster. He's like, yeah, I can't ask him that. Because he's my surgeon.

That's crazy. I just plug my surgeon. Jeez, man. Harrison. All right. So tell us about this movie that's coming out. Okay. So it's a horror movie, but dark comedies. It's kind of like the two generations, millennials, versus baby boomers. Robert Patrick is a millennial, and I am a baby boomer. What? Are they using that age thing where they did Tarantino use that?

Yeah, we just flipped it. No, so it's about my character's names Olive. She's your classic stereotypical millennial. Ricky Bates Jr., the writer-director, really leaned into the stereotypes. And so she's just like a very messy creature. On your phone all the time. Yeah, she's annoyed that she has to work hard at her job. She ends up getting fired. Her boyfriend breaks up with her. She, like, her life's just a mess and she feels entitled to certain things.

And so her friends convinced her probably because they read it on, like, Refinery 29 or BuzzFeed that like she needs to go off to the country to just kind of like zen out and like just have a chill moment get an Airbnb get away from it all even though you're in debt um and so she goes gets an Airbnb which happens to be the home of Robert Patrick's character who hasn't itch he hasn't scratch you know he's done everything in life but he's got this one itch he hasn't scratched and that is to kill a person we'll see where it goes from there but it's fun it's like it's very like dark comedy it's very, so like a commentary on just kind of the two generations, two generations that feel right in, in their belief and mindset and that the other is so, so wrong and the kind of

the clash of the two. And it's not your, your typical, it doesn't sound like your typical slasher movie. It sounds like it's got some, some depth to it. Yeah. And I was really impressed with the way that they shot it. Because on these indie films, like, they don't have the time to do these, you know, elaborate setups. But the cinematographer, Ed Wu, is so talented, but also Ricky has such a strong eye for what he wants. So like everything's just so perfectly symmetrically framed. And I was just so surprised, you know, there were times where 30 minutes like I was sitting on set ready to go and it's just like, nope, it's, it's not symmetrical. And they would have to like reframe everything for like an additional 30 minutes, which you never get on indie films. But I

loved that Ricky like would not move forward until he got what he needed. Well, I have horror movie nights here. My friend name drop and John Heater and friends, they come over here and we watch horror movies. So we're going to screen that because it's coming out in theaters. They don't be on video demand. But why don't I go see it in theaters? I mean, however you want to support it. I'm still going to pay for it. Yeah. So what do you care? I don't care. What the fuck? Just get it on VOD. And look, we don't even talk about Silicon Valley. But, you know, and I know Martin Star, we did a short together. Love Martin. Is that a fun experience? Is everyone is very playful and just light. Yeah, they are my sisters and I am their brother. It's, it's a love fest. I love them so,

so much. And it's, you know, I've been in this industry for so long. And I know that whole, like, the bubble thing when you're on location, working on a project and everyone's in love. And then you leave and it's just like, who is that person? I don't care about them. But this is like, like, I truly feel like they are family to me. And it's just, it's just so fun. No one, like, everyone has had different kinds of success outside of the show during the many seasons and yet nothing has changed everyone if not everyone's just more respectful of each other did they try to pay you with like Canadian money those fucks you know they did yeah they gave me beaver tales you know but that's an issue a lot of times they'll try to pay they'll cheap out

on the can oh she's Canadian so we'll pay her Canadian yeah I don't think they can have that mindset when it's filming in America, but for sure, I've, I've experienced that so many times. She's going to work as a local hire, which means we're not going to pay her at all. Put yourself up. You can fly yourself up here. But like, hey, like, it's the one scene opposite. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, fuck you. Yeah. And people don't understand it's like, you know, you need to make as much money as you can as an actor because you don't know when your next fucking job is, man. Well, also, like, you see on paper like, whoa, I'm getting paid $100,000. thousand dollars for this like job and you're like whoa i'm rich you're like okay 25% is going to my

team and then 40% of taxes yeah so you're like that hundred thousand dollars is really like 45,000 exactly and for how many months 100% so it's like people i don't think people understand that when they see like these paychecks it's like i'm getting less than half of that that's better than digging ditches listen i love my job yeah you do Ryan how do you like you like your new job well it's great boss thanks for asking oh you fuck you got to get on a hat that says like or you need a hat that says boss man no no i don't amanda crew this has been a real treat i really appreciate i hope you had fun i did this is so so great i like i love the format and the i was listening to the one with jack shepherd oh it's dark yeah i loved it though it was i love like

hearing human stories i love it yeah well me too and i'm glad you came to tell tell yours and you sound like you have a great uh boyfriend what are we going to call him we'll call him um him we'll call him tone deaf on demand august 23rd yes correct so uh i'm excited about this and you know i'm going to be screening here at the house so hey thanks so much watch silicon valley you're still on that right yeah we're filming what is it season six now it's our final season This is it. This is it. Are you sad?

We had a year and a half off between the fifth and sixth season. And we all kind of knew this was going to be the last season. So I had, remember all that therapy I talked about? I had some time to process a lot of things. You feel good, though. I do. I'd rather end it on a high. I'm sad because, you know, it means the end of an era for me.

But I'm also excited because it's a new chapter, which is daunting and scary, but also exciting. Well, this has been a real treat. Thank you for allowing me to be inside. of you today. Oh. Well, that's what I always say. Tone Def, go see it. She's great. Amanda Crew. Thank you. See you. a tax advantage retirement account the mortgage that's what we do make a down payment on a home something nice buying a vehicle a separate bucket for this addition that we're adding 50,000 i'll buy a new podcast you'll buy new friends and we're done thanks for playing everybody

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