Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum - Anthony Jesselnik

Episode Date: May 14, 2019

Anthony Jeselnik (Fire in the Maternity Ward, Thoughts and Prayers) discusses getting fired from every job hes ever had, how he doesn’t date but he takes lovers, and why his perfect relationship would be married with separate houses. Anthony opens up about his asshole on-stage persona, how much he hates actors that become comedians, and how most of his success comes out of revenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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tables, or join a live dealer game to feel the thrill of real-time action, all from the comfort of your own devices. Why settle for less when you can go for the gold at Golden Nugget Online Casino. Gambling problem call Connects Ontario 1866531-260. 19 and over, physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See Golden Nuggett Casino.com for details. Please play responsibly. You're listening to Inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum. Rob, how are you, buddy? I'm good. It's been a long time.

Dude, was it the last episode that people were saying, where's Rob? Yeah, because you did an intro without me. Intro without you. And then you didn't explain that Rob was gone. Because, you know, sometimes these are out of order. Well, and that's why you need me here because you don't know how to explain things. You missed me. Yeah, I was.

You wanted to be here. That was for Zachary Levi. Why can't you just say that you wanted to be here with me? I wanted to be here for Zachary, but we were in Denver. Yeah, that's true. And it was the only time you could do. I miss you. It's lonely in this house. It's nice to have you here.

I get a little lonely. I've been on Norcos. I get your late night text. Post op, you know, but. I get your 11 a.m. Yo. Yo, what's up? I assume that's.

Hey, Rob, as you know, I do the Camp No Counselors thing. I didn't know that. What is that? Yeah, you know. Yeah, you do. tell me more uh you know it's like summer camp it's like for adults and uh didn't say they went out of business no they didn't go back out of business they're uh they've got they're back in business they're back dude it's pretty dope because i went with macaulay colkin last year name drop but it's like you know

imagine all your meals snacks smores accommodations bedding all that stuff ropes course swimming hanging on the beach open bar no lines round trip transportation including new york and l a as well as parking and linens. It's just amazing. And it's like being at camp and it's affordable. You know how much my followers are going to get this for?

$200, all inclusive for the weekend. Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, you leave Sunday, 400 freaking bucks all inclusive. New York is the May 30th to June 2nd camp. Which one are you going to? I might go to a few of them.

There's the New York camp May 30th through June 2nd. The Labor Day weekend, New York camp, August 30th through September 2nd. The New York camp, September 19th to the 22nd. I know I'll be a few of them. at the LA camp, September 26th to the 29th. Do you want to come with me?

Maybe. I'm bringing all my friends with me. So if anyone wants to hang out with Michael and a tent. Well, here's the great thing. It's not a tent. You actually have a room. Oh, it's a cabin. Some have air condition.

But the thing is, like, people don't talk about the business. You're like, oh, what do you do? Oh, hey, it's more like hanging out with normal people. So, like, if you see me, you're like, hey, Rosenbaum, we'll just hang out and play sports. To get a discount on Camp No Counselors and how did you hear about Camp No Counselor, C&C, if you write inside of you, One word, you'll get the early bird price. That's $50 off registration.

C&C inside of you, one word. You'll get a discount. 350 instead to hang out with Michael in L.A. I will be at one of these camps, if not more. Do you want to come with me with Natalie, let you go to a summer camp with me? She would let me go to us. She was going to let us go to the Sharks game. It's a blast.

You would have a blast. Speaking of blast, I just watched the Netflix special. Our guest today, Anthony Jesselnik. He's a comedian. He's really dark. But when you watch him, for some reason, I found myself just, for some reason, the reason is because he's funny. There's those people who commit to what they're doing and they're doing it and that's how it is. He doesn't break his character.

And for an hour, he's a great guest. We really get some insight. He talks about Amy Schumer dating her and like, he's like, you know, it's like it happened. I go, you know, you talk to her still? He's like, you'll have to listen to get some more insight. Yeah, don't give away that whole interview. Let's get inside Anthony Jesselnick. You're listening to

Inside of You With Michael Rosenbaum Inside of You Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum Was not recorded in front of a live studio audience I did Bill Simmons podcast a couple days ago And afterwards he's like

Talking Game of Thrones He's like, you watch Game of Thrones? I'm like, oh yeah And he's like, oh, he's like When Aria killed the Ice King Go, I'm two episodes behind And he froze But you weren't, no, no, no, no, like, of course not.

And we just, like, stare at each other for, like, a minute. That's got to be the worst feeling ever when someone gets you. Because you devote your life to Game of Thrones. I mean, that's an eight, what, eight years? Of course. But you have to watch Day of, like, as it's airing, otherwise. Or don't go near social media. You can't even go on the internet.

You can't go around it. Because every article is about it. Yeah, for sure. Have you ever had an episode ruined, like Red Wedding or something? No. With Game of Thrones, I've always watched everything on point. I remember one time when Homeland was a big thing. Oh, yeah.

I was talking to Jim Norris. And he's like, oh, Homeland's amazing, right? He's like, are you cut up? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, what about this thing? And I'm like, oh, yeah. How about how they killed the vice president? And he goes, what?

And I go, are you not caught up? And he's like, no, I'm one behind. I'm like, and why would you ask me that? I'm sorry, I just spoiled it for you. But you did this to yourself. We met at, I have a thing. Every time I name drop, I drop something. So we met at Jason Reitman's house.

Did you hear that phone? Who's Jason Raim? He directed movies such as Up in the Air. Juno. The new Ghostbusters. His dad was Ivan Reitman who directed the original Ghostbusters. Rob, should I continue?

Well, that's enough. So I met you, and I was like, oh, I was surprised by how nice you were. I think that probably you get that a lot. Always. People just assume that you are the guy you portray on a comedy specials. And rightly so. I don't think you're wrong for thinking that.

If that's all you've seen, of course, you're going to think that. And even when I'm like being nice, it's still people are still kind of a little taken aback like i'm like a nice guy but i'm still holding a knife you know that people are just kind of a little uh a little like oh he could still bite my head off at any time but you do fuck with people yeah i mean i have a sense of humor so yeah like i like that's how i joke around is by being kind of a jerk does it feel good to just like you feel like the first thing you want to do is when you meet someone is it out of a sort of you think out of insecurity or like a power

because you know you're good you know you're smart and witty and your comedian that the first thing you think of as how do I give this guy a dig? Sometimes I can see like a, like a weakness in someone where they're just like they're a little, a little timid, a little timid, so I'm going to play with that. And it's fine. I was telling people today, like, it's fun. Sometimes I'll get a waiter who I think recognizes me. So I'm like, let's have some fun.

You know, like, give him a story. You know what I mean? And they'll be like, when you had the specials, and I'm like, fuck you and your specials. And they're like, horrified. And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. I thought you knew who I was. And this would be a funny story for you to tell.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. Can you keep it? Because the biggest thing, I've read some articles and, like, there are some interviews. Did you read The Federalist interview? It wasn't, I didn't interview with them, but I read the article about the abortion thing. Yeah. And I thought it was kind of an ambiguous, but positive review. They like me, but I didn't realize, like, my last special came out, the Federalist was like, Anthony Jessel. The headline was Anthony Jesselnik is the greatest comedian who's ever lived.

And I was like, yes, please. Like, I'll read, this is great. And then I found out years later, the federalist is like an alt-right publication. Like, they're not, they're not... Oh, is that what it is? Yes. It's an all right. Like, I retweeted the abortion article, not even looking at who had written it. And someone was like, don't give these guys retweets.

And I was like, what? And then I read it again. Right. And they give away a bunch of punch lines. And they're kind of like trying to figure out. They're like, he's not pro-choice or pro-life. And it's like, I'm very much pro-choice. Like, the bit is pro-choice.

Right. You guys are kind of missing the point. Because they, you know, because it's like a, what, a 15-minute abortion story in the Netflix special. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Now, a lot of people like, you know, because I watched it. The first thing I did was like, you know, I said, you got to come to the podcast.

You're like, yeah, I was like, yeah, I got to do my homework, man. I got to watch. And I was dying. I was, I liked it so much that I found myself and I don't do this a lot because there's a lot of specials. There's a lot of comedians. I'm not saying they're all bad, the specials, but they're not all good. Yes.

And so from the get-go, you're, there's jokes that I remember that I have to tell people. And that to me was a good sign. I text you something. I was in the plane and I made this woman next to me watch it who was a breast cancer doctor. And she was crying. She thought it was hysterical. You know, and I told her about, I got her to watch it with her. I told her the Alzheimer's joke.

That's what I go for. I want people to like want to retell my jokes and not get them right. And, you know, it's hard because it's the cadence. It's the way you deliver it. It's very hard. Not just cadence, but it's like word for word. Like if you miss one, if you mix up one word, or leave out a word or add an extra word it does so when you learn these jokes when you sit down

and work them do you I mean how many times do you go do this at a club and you're like something's not quite right and you keep working until it's the way you know it's perfect usually a joke when it's halfway out of my mouth I'm like this is not a good joke I thought it was going to be great and it's not but sometimes occasionally it's like oh this is a little bit too wordy. And I usually figure that out on the page. It's more of like as a writer, you just take out every extra word that you don't need. Right. And you've got to like, you know, lead them astray in the setup. So you need a little bit of extra stuff there. But it's just how do you lead them down the path? But I really am a big fan of the fewer words, the better. So, so I,

occasionally I'll be talking. I'm like, I can, I can lose a little more from this. Right. I still get the same reaction. But very rarely do I work on a joke where I'm like, you know, the punchline's not quite right. You know, very rarely. If I, if I, I can lose a little more I'm like I know I can get it better and then I'll eventually hit it and it's like oh there you go no but you know what's funny is I notice like you make it look effortless because it almost seems like I'm like I wonder if it's easier what he's doing and by the way I'm prefacing with that because I know it's not but you say it's like you almost say very few words and the pauses the stagnant I'm not stagnant's not the right word I mean they're just these lump that work that you make them work where you're like

the way you say it it's just it looks like it's just it looks like it's it's few words, it's slow, it's your pace, and the payoff just works. But like, do you try to go, say as few words as you can in a joke? Is that really? And the pauses are there for a reason. You know, I want the audience to be dead silent hanging on every word waiting for the punchline because then they never know where it's going to come from.

Like, my job is hiding the punchline. Some jokes are shorter, some jokes are longer. Like, I'm a pitcher. Yeah. I got to throw some fastballs, some chains up, some curves. You don't want people to see a. coming because that's that's what's hard is like you think you see it coming here it comes he's going to say this and then it's a completely different direction yeah and that's what's i think why it works

so well but also getting the entire audience to be silent is tough so to get so like to that deliberate pace makes them like lean in and have to pay attention if the audience is quite if i tell a joke and it doesn't work and the audience is still quiet i'm still cool if they start talking to each other you know when they're ordering from the wages that's when i'm in trouble that you want to keep them quiet and just what's going to come next and you probably had to deal with i mean look you didn't this took years and years of developing and fine-tuning this this personality that you created like dice clay didn't just one day go oh yeah right i mean this is something that i mean i read about you were on phalan and like you wanted to tell this cancer joke like a cancer stand-up

comedian who was talking to cancer patients oh no that was on my tv show And they didn't, and the network didn't want to do it, right? No, that was actually on my TV show on Comedy Central, and that was the first episode, was me talking to cancer patients. Right. That's right. But they didn't want to do that at first, right? I never pitched it on Fallon, no.

But I had definitely pitched jokes to Fallon where they would be like, this is, I'd make the room laugh. Too dark. And then they'd say, Jimmy can't say it. Like an obesity joke, Fallon was like, no, I can't. I think it's funny. I can't do it. It's just going to make fat women hate me. Yes.

So you were always doing shit like that, and you're like, this is what I want to do. I liked the idea of the joke being. so good that even though I'm not likable, they still have to laugh. Right. You know, because that just made it harder. If they like you, they're going to laugh at whatever the hell you say. Yeah. But if they don't, then it makes it really tough.

And I just wanted, I wanted to be lifting the heaviest way it's possible. I want to go back because I'm going to get to this. It sounds like we started talking about all the current shit because you have the special on Netflix that's amazing, that fire in the maternity ward. Yes. Thank you. And it's incredible. I personally love dark, dark shit.

now, you know, it's different when it's really dark and it's coming from a guy who really believes in everything he's saying and he's, and, you know, that's not the case. Correct? Of course. No. I mean, you're saying things ironically. You're saying things, how would you describe your comedy? I would say I know I'm a self-aware villain. You know, like, there was an article, there's a review in Vulture published called like Anthony Jusselnick repeatedly punches himself in his own face. You know what I mean? Like, I'm a villain and I'm taking myself down kind of But the jokes are still there, you know, and you can read it both ways. You can read it as like, oh, I agree with this guy or this guy's clearly joking.

We can enjoy this. It really is like a horror film. You were talking about being a horror film buff. It's like, you go to see a horror film, you know what you're getting. You can laugh at it and enjoy it knowing that no one's really getting killed. You know, it's not, it's a safe space to laugh at these sort of things. Well, you know, I feel like, you know, self-deprecation is obviously, you know, comics, the best comics are always self- deprecating, right? I wouldn't say the best, but a lot of them are.

Right. But you, a lot of your stories, you talk about your family, and I'm like, is this family really obese? No. I mean, no jokes about my family are real at all. Even the dick picks? I, even the dick picks. Like, I, in the beginning of every special, I, like, resurrect my parents, and then I kill them throughout. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I talk about my parents, and then they die at some point, and my grandparents die. And then in the next hour, I start from scratch. And every, Everyone's alive again. Right, right.

So it's all, everything's kind of just in your head. It's just made up. Like there's no true. Like for me, when I was doing standup for a year and I want to get into that with you because I know you don't love actors who become stand-of comedians. Love is not the right word. Respect, I would say. I don't respect them.

I don't respect them. Yes. I want to get into that. Well, let's get into that for a second because, you know, like we have mutual friends, Harlan Williams, Bobby Lee. And a lot of these guys, they said, hey, you should do stand-up. They've always asked me to do, told me to do stand-up. And I always was hesitant because, like you, I thought, this is a respect thing.

This is, these guys like yourself, Harlan, they've spent their whole lives doing stand-up comedy. They've worked in clubs, the shittiest clubs on earth to get where they are. And then here comes a guy who, oh, I was on a show. It had success. So now I just walk on stage and I get 15, 20 minutes. And I go on. And it says, and I, even when I was doing it, Harlan goes, hey, bud, you know, Harlan William. he's like bud you can't worry about what other fucking people say you got to go up and do your

things they're all going to look at you like who the fuck is this he didn't do it like his 10 years of homework he didn't work at all the shitty clubs bud you got to fucking ignore and they're jealous just do your fucking thing what what do you say about that i mean i think you have to prove yourself for sure and people are going to look at you like you're unproven we know why you got the spot but during that 15 20 minutes you're on stage you're on your own they don't i mean they'll cheer for you and you'll get the spot because of who you are, but it doesn't make you funnier, you know, that you do have to be funny, you got to come through. You do have to earn it that way. That I think it can be earned, but it takes a while. And I just think that if you

get into stand up at an older age, when you already have developed another skill, it becomes tougher to dedicate yourself to stand up. Like, I was a halfway decent actor in college. And when I first moved to L.A., took some improv classes and stuff. But everything that made me good at stand-up made me worse at acting that now I'm almost I'm almost like unfilmable because I'm never listening you know I can't have the conversation it's like I'm a I'm a freight train and we're not going to be sharing the scene right I'm either I'm either coming in to win or or or I can't do it that I think it's I think it's a similar for actors yeah that actors want almost a conversation and they don't get it they want instant gratification and with you it's like I couldn't imagine

myself when I was going on there, I needed to hear the laughs. I needed to like say something and get that, that whereas you would tell these stories where it could be a minute, two minutes before that punchlines in. But in situations like that, I know that punchline is going to be killer because I tell short jokes because I need the laughs. That if I tell a couple jokes in a row that don't work, I start to feel it. You know, but I need those laughs every once in a most. If I tell a longer one. It's only long because the punchline's going to be killer. And I can be comfortable knowing the whole time that at the end of this, people are going to be on the floor. All right. So what were you doing growing up? Were you popular? Because you're a good looking guy.

Sure. I'm good looking. I'm on, I'm better looking now than I was in high school. Me too. I was not a good looking kid. I was awkward. I couldn't get nailed in wood shop. Rob, did you get laid a lot in high school? No. No, your mom put you on Adderall and things, right was depression drugs for it was after oh it was after no it was high school i guess right i wasn't popular and i wasn't good looking and so in fact i you know i i feel like definitely in my older age i started getting better looking at into my 30s and even now in my 40s i was not attractive at all so i mean did you get late in high school yeah a couple times you know not like i had girlfriends you know uh in high school but

I think I lost my virginity at 16, but didn't get late a lot until college. But I wasn't one of the popular kids. I had friends. You know, I was friends with kind of like the nerdier jocks, I guess you could say. But the popular kids didn't have, didn't have much to do with me. I was a little too weird. Were you always cracking jokes even back then? Because I read somewhere like, I remember you told like, you were already telling jokes

for adults when you were young. Yeah. And it was always responding to things. like teachers would be talking or classmates would be talking and something would pop into my head and I had to say it. So it's kind of Tourette's in a way. A little Tourette's a little just like this is too good not to say. It was like if you thought of like a brilliant novel and you didn't write it down. That's how I felt it. It was like my head will explode. Who is a basketball player? He used to get technical fouls all the time. Rashid Wallace. Remember Rashid Wallace?

He would get technicals like an unprecedented level and they're like, you're hurting your team. And he's like, I know. But when a call goes against me and I think the ref is wrong. It's like my head will open up, crack open if I don't yell something. And that's why it keeps getting teed up. And that's how I felt in high school. If I didn't say this joke, whether it was good or bad or inappropriate or not, my head would just crack open that I felt like I had to do it. Did you get in trouble in high school? Were you expelled at all?

Did you get merits? I was like the class clown in honors classes. Do you know what I mean? So I was still smart. So they knew not to like send me out of the room. But I was frustrating to a little. Some teachers loved me. And we got along in some really, really despise.

me. Right. But like a couple, like a year ago, my high school had honored me. They like, they have a, um, upper St. Clairs where I went to the high school in Pittsburgh. And they have a alumni hall of fame. Right. And they finally put me in and I was like, this, like, everyone else was kind of like, thanks, you know, whatever. And I was like, this actually means a lot to me because I didn't have a good time in school. And you guys were trying to get me to stop doing all the things that have made me a successful comedian and a singular comedian. You know, they were like, you're being too dark you seem crazy uh this is this is weird and this was all pre columbine if i had been in school after columbine i think i would have had a much different experience that i may have been expelled

just for the kind of stuff i would say i was darker than i was funny you immediately be find the funny in things yes no matter how dark or just how inappropriate like what's the worst thing you can say or do and when you're a kid when you're a teenager and like in the way you're obsessed with horror films like that sort of stuff was it was interesting to me you were the weird kid if you were into horror and into these things. It was like, I see it in a different way than you do. You know, I'm not turned off by these things. I'm fascinated by them. And death was always fascinating to me. You know, why is death such a taboo if everyone goes through it? The greatest minds in history have spent their lives thinking about what happens after we die,

but I'm somehow wrong for writing about it in an essay or talking about it in class. They think you were macabre. Exactly. They were like, you're just inappropriate and people just aren't going to like you because of this. What did your family think? Were they always supportive? They was like, Anthony, you're kind of dark. Why don't you just like, I don't know, good them all. They didn't like the dark stuff.

They thought that I was very smart and didn't apply myself. They thought that I was throwing my life away kind of just instead of studying hard. And, you know, where I grew up, you were either a doctor, a lawyer, a businessman, or a loser. You know what I mean? Yeah. It was like Pittsburgh suburbs. Right. And my dad was an attorney.

My mom was a housewife. They didn't know anything about the entertainment business. And it wasn't like I was like, and I didn't even talk about being a comedian when I was younger. I wanted to be a novelist. I wanted to be a writer. Right. You want to write the next great American novel, right? I didn't even have my site set that high.

Just any kind of a novelist would have been great. I just loved reading. And I wanted to be a part of that world. Yeah. And then as I got through college, I started to realize what that life entailed. And it didn't seem fun. You know, I wanted to be a novelist when Hemingway was a novelist. Not now when no one reads books.

See, I was the opposite. I wasn't like, it's different when you're dark and you're really brilliant or you're a really bright guy and you're, you know, you're a reader. You know, for me, I was not getting good grades. I was in like basic math. I, you know, I couldn't. And I was the weird guy. And I was always telling jokes.

And I thought, you know, because I liked horror movies and I was doing impressions. I'd sit home on Saturday nights memorizing every Saturday Night Live sketch. And that was sort of me. And so, and everyone thought. I was just a weird, nerdy kid who just didn't fit in, which was correct. And thank God I found acting in the entertainment world because, you know, then you go to off college and you have these little clicks and you find that, oh, there's other weird people. Yeah, it's like all the outcasts get together and fall in the realm group.

And you're like, oh, this is what I was looking for. Yeah. Like when I heard about like performing art schools, you know, I was like, oh, if I had gotten into that, my life would have been much different. You know, I was just in a school, a public school where it was, it was just one curriculum, barely any, like, creative writing. If I'd be able to take creative writing every year, I would have been much better behaved. You know, I just, like, I couldn't stand math. And it was like, I was one of the kids who knew I was never going to use calculus. And they'd be like,

you might someday. No, I am not. Yeah. And I've proven them right. I failed calculus in high school. I was an honors calculus. I got a D first semester, an F second semester. And they're like, you're going to summer school. And I thought summer school was like, you sit in class, like normal school. And they're like, no, we give you the textbook. You go through it on your own pace. When you tell us, you want to take the test, you take the test. And if you pass it, you can take the next one until you've done with the semester. And I'm like, so how long do you have to be here? And they're like, as long as you want in two weeks. And I had to start from the beginning of the book because you've got it done in two weeks. I got the entire book, the entire year's worth of math done in two

weeks because it was easy if you applied yourself. But if you were bored with math and just sat through class staring at the board, you didn't know what was going on. But when it was like, distractions. If you've learned this on your own, you get out of here. And so I got, I got A's in both semesters because I had to take both. And then, so I got a D and a pass. And I was like, oh, this was stupid. I could have, I could have done this much differently. Inside of you is brought to you by Rocket Money. I'm going to speak to you about something that's going to help you save money. Period. It's Rocket Money. It's a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors you're spending, and helps lower your bills

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dot com slash inside of you free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash inside of you when is the first time you decided hey i want to try stand up i had come out to l.a while i was in college because i thought i might try to find a job in los angeles i was a spring break or something and my dad my only the only connection i had in l.a was my dad went to college at notre dame with the guy who was lano's head writer on the Tonight Show. And so he met with me at the improv in Hollywood. I watched his set. And then he said, what do you want to do? I said, I want to be a joke writer. You know, I want to do what you just said this, but he hadn't seen anything you've done or anything. And I've never done stand up. So this is just a kid saying this is what I want. This is like a sophomore in college

or junior in college saying, I want to, I want to, I think I want to be a joke writer. And he was like, he just said, just do stand up. He wasn't like, send me some jokes. He wasn't like read this book. He just said, do stand up. That will teach you how to really write a joke because the audience is telling you. If he didn't tell you that, you think you wouldn't have done it? I think I would have ended up here anyway. I think unless I didn't go to L.A. or New York after college, I think I would have ended up in comedy. Because when I look back on my life, when teachers would say, you're just going to be a comedian someday.

I'd be like, no, I'm not. But then I'm like, oh, they were right. But it was like, I was out here for a year and working odd jobs. And in the entertainment industry, if you want to be an actor, You can take acting classes. I didn't have the money for that. And you have to kind of wait on other people. If you become a comedian, you can go to an open mic for free every night and be proactive.

And work during the day. Exactly. Work during the day. Work to borders. Work to borders books for three months. I got fired from every job I've ever had. Every job. Every job.

For what, usually? Just not showing up? I would just slowly start to lose interest and get bored and showing up late, leaving early. Rude to people. Rude to people. rude to employees. Do you remember or recall something when you ever got fired from being rude to a customer?

Do you remember what you said? Or do you remember like, or are they just random things that you don't really remember? I usually kept my cool. The one time I remember getting fired specifically was I was a teacher's assistant at a high school for emotionally troubled kids. And I would try to joke around with the kids. But these kids were like emotionally troubled did not get sarcasm. And one time I started like a giant fight.

There was this kid, he was 17 years old, looked like he was 35, huge, and wasn't working on his paper. And I'm joking around with them, and I don't realize I'm hurting his feelings. And he's getting angry and angry, and suddenly desks are flying. Kids are getting punched in the face. Teachers are getting thrown on the ground. He runs outside. They're looking for him for a while. It was like a huge disaster.

And they were like, Anthony, you're an assistant here. It's like having an extra emotionally troubled teenager in the room. you need to go. And I was like, thank you. This is the scariest job I've ever had in my life. And that was it. That was it. My God.

All right. So stand up, the first time you went up, where was it? Belly Room Comedy Store. That's not ha-ha's. That's not flappers. That's comedy store. I had taken a class. When I was at Borders Books, I was like, I thought, you know, I really, I'm dissatisfied with my life.

What do I want to do? I'm 22. I have time to work on it. You know what I mean? When you're 22, you're just potential. So what do I want to take my shot at? And I thought stand-up, I'll try that. This guy told me this years ago, but it seemed too scary to me.

Maybe I don't even want to be a joke writer if that's what I have to do. I got the thinnest book they had on stand-up comedy. And it was like how to do stand-up comedy. And I read it. It kind of gives you some structure. I was like, oh, I can do this. And at the back of the book, it said, this guy teaches a class in Santa Monica. So I looked it up online.

it was like $200, $300 for like a six-week box. You don't seem like the kind of guy that would take a stand-up comedy class. Everyone says that, I'm 22, and I just didn't, I didn't know what an open mic was. I didn't know that I could just go, and I didn't have the balls to just go up with nothing. Like, taking the class kind of taught you little things

like how to take the mic out of the stand, you know, where to put the mic stand, what the red light means. You know, don't run the red light. Things that I think every comic should know, and I follow to this day, rules that I like. And you've seen probably comedians, not follow those guidelines. Oh, yeah.

Like things that are just respectful that they're like, the guy's not listening to the red lights on. He's taking time away from the next stand-up comedian. And every comic in the room hates this person now because he's doing that.

That I knew not to do that. And then at the end of the class, you did like a graduation thing where every, it's like eight people going on stage doing seven minutes each and it's all of their friends. And at the time,

I went last because I had the most friends there. You know, they're like, that's the way they did it. And everyone didn't do. do no one did well and then I did great that afterwards I was like oh my god I like know how to do this you could feel the room I could feel the room I could feel myself like I was just enjoying myself so much you remember a joke from that first yes because one of the jokes I used I ended up I I had two bits one about my girlfriend burning down my apartment in college which is true but

yes by mistake but it was true and then a story about because the whole class is talk about your life you know because you're teaching 12 people who are all different different abilities you can't say write really smart dark one-liners that no one-liner's that no one else would think of. You got to say talk about your life. And at 23, that's all I had in me with those two stories. And one of the jokes ended up in the Donald Trump roast. It was like my old boss was such a douchebag.

If you looked up the word douchebag in the dictionary, there was a picture of Spencer Pratt. But if you look close, Spencer Pratt is holding a picture of my boss from borders. And that was like the best joke. And I used that against Trump. and then I went back and watched that tape years later because I was like oh that joke was from that maybe there's more jokes I can use

and I had a panic attack watching it because I was so bad I thought it was amazing I sent that tape out to all my friends and family and it was just horrible isn't that something I've done that where you film it and you're like you killed it

I'm like I remember I was like oh my God I got 20 minutes people are howl and they're laughing but then I watched it and I was just I cringe because I just don't like how I was moving I don't like how I was I just didn't I didn't buy a lot of the shit that I was saying Well I forget who was who said this Some NPR guy I was talking about how when you get into the arts

Like you became an actor because you loved acting or you loved movies You loved watching actors I don't like being myself So being anybody else was easier for me Sure but your talent level When you start out doesn't match your Perception of what I wanted to be or Exactly of what your goals should be

Right right right Getting through that period is the hard People give up before they get better and I didn't realize how bad I was at the time because I was comparing myself to the people around me who were obviously much worse but it was I had a lot of work to do my second time on stage I had a full-blown panic attack

All right so talk to me about that because it's nice to hear someone of your success level with you know you get panic attack you don't get nervous do you get nervous still to this day do you get anxiety? I get anxious I just want to go now like once I get on stage I'm cool it's like that 10 minutes before in my set where I'm just like, what do I do with myself?

You know, do I have another beer? Do I just sit here? Do I look at my notes? Like, what am I doing? Does your heart race? Do you feel like you have to take a shit? Sometimes? Sometimes?

Yeah, because, you know, do you ever feel like I'm a little nauseous? I'm a little too worked up, but I don't get the nausea? Is it going to affect me in my performance? I don't worry about that. It's just, it's getting through that, that pre moment. I know when I get, when I'm out there, I'm going to be fine. But it wasn't always like that. You probably let your nerves get the most of you.

early on before you became successful and I think it's always your imagination it's like I mean the second time I got on stage I was totally unprepared I was hung over and I thought because I did it once that I just redo what I had done then you forget that every show is going to be different and you need to be in the moment that wasn't in the moment and because of that seven minutes of material went by in two and a half minutes and I just didn't know what was happening no one was laughing where they should have been laughing I just started talking faster and faster you wanted Offstage. Yeah.

I wanted it to be over. And when someone wants it to be over, and you can see comics when they wanted to be over, it's unpleasant. And I just got off stage, went into the bathroom, shaking, covered in sweat, and was like, what, I had never experienced this before. What is happening? Did you want to never do it again? I felt like I'd gotten beaten up and knocked down, and I wanted to get up and fight again, but I couldn't quite pull it off. Like, I would drive to open mics and knock it out of the car for months. I would do that.

out of fear out of like out of yeah out of a fear of like this is going to happen again like I don't know how to do this that's sort of uh an anxiety attack they say that and I've had anxiety but you you once you have an anxiety attack somewhere or you have this feeling of absolute failure if you don't face it head on that atmosphere will bring back that same feeling so the fact that you were going but you just wouldn't face it was probably making it worse I mean this is I remember really reading a book, I forget who, like a Tim Robbins novel. Tim Robbins, Tom Robbins, whatever. Well, Tim Robbins is the actor. Yeah, who's the writer? Tom Robbins. I wrote this book and there were these tightrope walkers, a family of tightrope walkers and the grandfather's walking across his tightrope and he falls. And everyone mourns, they bury him. The next day, the entire family has to walk across that same type rope. Because if they don't do it the next day, they'll never do it again. You know, you have to face that trauma immediately, right, or else it sinks in and then you're screwed. Fuck. Yeah. I think that is so true with

everything. I think the more you put it off and you go, yeah, I'm going to do that again. I'll do it again. Yeah, just not right now. It's just, it's making it worse. Like, if I have a good set or a great set, I feel cool. I'm like, I'm good. I can go chill. If I have a bad set, it's like, when can I get up again and erase that from my memory? That's almost like my whole career has been like, how do I make up for this failure and make this failure not mean anything to me. How do you, how often do you fail at this point in your life? Oh, all the time. You fail all the time. You have like a huge Netflix special, which you watch and you're like, he knows what he's doing. I know what I'm doing. You know what you're doing, but you fail. Do you think you fail because

you're testing new material? Is that why you fail? Sometimes. Or do you fail because sometimes the audience is just different? They don't like what you're saying. What I say sometimes, is that if you didn't pay money to come see me, you don't want to see me. You know, if I'm a surprise, I'm a bad surprise for most people. You know, if people just come to see comedy,

like, if I'm at the comedy store with 20 other comics, it's not the same reaction as if I'm at the Largo and it's everyone paid to come and see me do half an hour or an hour. Why? Because everyone's there

and they know what they're coming to get and they're excited just to see me. You know? Right. It's like... So that makes perfect sense. If you're there to see a bunch of people, people, then maybe I'm not your cup of tea. And you've never even heard of me before.

Psychology. That's being in the gym. So by going to the comedy store and having sets that are just iffy, and occasionally you have a great one, but sometimes you have one where you just totally fail. And that makes you want to get out and work more. When did you stop and did you stop worrying about what other comedians thought about you? Pretty quickly. Because by the time I put my first album out, that was like, even when I started to feel like

I was doing a good job, like these jokes are good. good. I've got really smart jokes that comedians are like, wow, that's a great joke. I wanted comedians respect more than the audience respect. But then I thought, well, now I can do seven minutes of this. Can I do 10? Can I do 15? Can I do 30? Can I open for someone on the road doing 30? Can I do 45? Can I do an hour of this? And then it became, can I do another hour of this? And now I've completed my fourth hour. This is, you know, 17 years later. Can you go up right now and do three hours? No. Two hours. No. Hour and a half.

Maybe a lot of crowd work. Like, I forget. The jokes. I forget the jokes when I move on to the next hour. So it's like a muscle. Like, if you're not, if you're a tennis player, you don't play tennis for a couple of weeks or a year, you can't go back and just pick it up right from where you're. It's almost like you're a multi-sport athlete and you need to train for one. You take the test and you move on to the next sport.

You know, you're going to let those muscles go so you can work on the new muscles. Right. That I have to do that. If you were like, I loved your joke from your first album, would you tell it to me again? I can't remember it. If I heard it, I'd be like, oh, yeah, that joke. But I wouldn't be able to tell you because I have to forget to make room for the next one. Do your parents love your material?

Do they, or do they look at it and go, I wish he would be more audience friendly. I wish he'd be, not audience friendly. What's the right word? I wish he'd be more of the affable. Affable, maybe. I think they're extremely proud of my success. And they know that comes from what the material is. You know, that the material is dark and that I'm, they like that I'm, they like that

I'm singular. There's no one else quite like me. I think a lot of it flies in the face of their beliefs. So I don't know if they're that thrilled about that, but they never let on to that. Like my mom used to say, I loved it, Anthony, but that one joke I didn't like. And I told her, listen, mom, I face criticism from the entire world and it doesn't bother me, but you're my mother. So you need to stop that. And now she just says, she's the same thing every time she goes, Anthony, every time I think it can't get any better. I see you again and you're even better. And I'm like, thank you, mom. That's all I need to hear. That's all you need from your mom. Your parents are still with you. Are they very supportive? Do you talk to your mom and dad every day,

every week? Not every day. I talk to my mom at least once a month. My dad maybe every two or three months. But now that, like, since I have a podcast of my own now, am I coming on that one? We don't have guests. Okay. I know because I told you. Remember there was on the email. I said It's something like, I forgot what you said. You're like, this is why I don't have guests. Yeah. Because, so you don't have to do the homework on them. Not even just homework.

Or watch a special or watch whatever. I thought just like bothering people. Just being like, hey, like, you know, I hate it too. I need somebody. Look, I hate it too. But the reality is it's Rob's fault. It's fucking Rob's fault because he forced me to get a podcast and I didn't want to do it. And he goes, you'd be good at it.

You'd be good at it. And it'd be fun. You should try it. And I started doing it. And the reason I do it is because I actually, I actually enjoy it. I actually love talking to people and getting to know people, but it becomes like it's therapy for me.

And sometimes it's therapy for them and the audience. And it's nice to have like a little inside of what the process is and what you go through. And I actually enjoy it. It gives me more purpose. I actually think I like it. Dax and I have talked about this because we're like, God, wouldn't it be great if we just made a living off this? Dax.

Shepard? I'm kidding. Oh. You're coming on. How many Daxons of that? Yeah. Are you producing that one too? yeah oh great he produced this one first though that one's way bigger but deep produced this one first

they're close in size uh i wouldn't say it do you like doing podcast do you like doing your podcast i like doing mine it's just me and my best friend you know uh doing whatever we want kind of just and we we put very little effort into it and people seem to enjoy they're like we like it's about male friendship and we've been friends for 20 plus years and you know people who know me as my persona are surprised that i have a best friend that i'm godfather to both of his kids like what would make what what have we been through together that he someone would make me godfather to both of their kids you know and it's it called it's called the jesselnick and rosenthal vanity project his name is gregg rosenthal he's an NFL analyst I like that yeah that's pretty cool

yeah I'm gonna check it out a good time I've got to listen to that check it um yeah I like doing this I like doing this because you know it's not like it for most people it's not a moneymaker I mean, doing a podcast. It's like, and it's hard you said, the first thing you said was like, I don't want to bother people. And I feel like I've bothered so many people, like yourself.

I bothers you. But I would happily have been like, no, thank you. When I've got something to promote, I enjoyed doing this. Right. But when I had a TV show, you know, five or six years ago,

and I had to do every podcast under the sun. Yeah. That I was just like, no more. Because sometimes, like, this is a popular podcast. This is a helpful podcast, but there are some that are just like, you're just there.

you might usually be spitting in the wind because for all the good it's doing you but sometimes it is helpful and it is fun you know i enjoy talking about myself yeah you do well look i love i love the special too and i think that you know do you ever worry about talking about such sacred things like abortion and these things that it makes people become more desensitized to things or do you think like or do you think it helps like um dealing with such tragedy there's so much shit going on in the world that when you can make fun of something or not make fun of it, but talk about it and make people laugh about it, is it sort of helps the situation. I mean, how do you feel about it? Is there anything that, and is there anything that you wouldn't talk about?

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't talk about. There's certain words I wouldn't use, but there's nothing that I wouldn't talk about. And I think, I don't know if it helps, it certainly doesn't hurt. You know, bad things are coming for all of us. You know, everybody dies. So I don't feel bad bringing these things up. People are you shouldn't joke. about that, why not? It's not like going away. People are like, oh, if you make, if you make a joke about cancer, that means that like someone in the audience has cancer. Like, yeah, but those people love, those people love to hear jokes about cancer because everyone's being so sensitive around them all the time. And it's not like I can cure their cancer by not joking about it. That's my biggest

goal as a comedian and an artist. Is it whatever the topic is, make someone laugh even though they don't want to? Do you ever ask, is there one guy, your friend of 20 years, that you're like, what do you think is it too much i've never asked if it's never asked if it's too much no because if it if you get a laugh then it's not too much what have you not gotten a laugh what's a joke that you love that you just didn't get a laugh on is there any jokes that you can remember that you're like god i love that joke the only joke i can remember it wasn't because it was too much it was i think the joke just didn't make sense but the joke i thought it was so funny and it never got a laugh it was um i thought i was a father once but then they did a blood

test on the baby and the baby died. I thought that was so funny, but no one ever laughed at it ever that I was just like, all right, the audience talked to me out of it. They talked you out of it. How many times did you try it? At least 20, 25 times. Well, I find difficult when I'm watching you is he just doesn't break. For the most part, occasional smile. Is the, is the smile planned at all? Do you ever actually, or in that moment, do you just kind of get a kick out of what you're saying it's not even i'm not laughing at what i'm saying i'm laughing at the audience laughing at what i'm saying it's the audience's reaction that makes me laugh it's like i just said this horrible thing and these people are dying laughing that cracks me up so kind of like good for you anthony

good for you kind of it just it's or i'll see someone in the audience like an really old person laughing and i can't help but laugh at that or someone has a weird laugh that makes me laugh but i'm laughing at their reaction uh it's i mean i know my jokes back like the back of my hand they're not cracking me up, but it's the reaction. Sometimes I'll smile knowing what's coming up. People are getting really offended, and I'm like, it's going only getting much, much worse, then I'll be laughing at that.

But I try to make, I try to be judicious with it. People are like, we love it when you smile and lets us know you're joking, you have a great smile, smile more, and I'm like, it can't be fake. It has to be real. Otherwise, then it's like, it's like a trick and I feel like it'd be

phony. And when I do like a TV special, I smile way less than I do. in a live show because you're aware that cameras are on you. And so it makes it a little bit different. And it breaks up maybe a little bit, gives the audience a little something that's watching that like, hey, he's human,

he's not so dark. That's not the reason I do it. I mean, I would love to just do it. Like, I would love the audience to think that I am this person. That's who you are. Like, I don't like the audience to see me before the show

or after the show. I want to, you're not out there sewing shirts. Exactly. You're not doing a meet and greet. If I could appear in a puff of smoke on stage and then disappear in a puff of smoke, like I was the devil. That's what I would want to do.

Have you had publicists try to talk you out of that? Like, hey, it'd be good if you did this. It'd be good. And you just stuck to your guns. Like, this is the persona I want to do. I mean, I've had, I've certainly done a lot of press for this special. And every article is like humanizing me. You know, like, he's not really like this.

It's like this. I'm like, you don't have to explain that. Of course I'm not like this. Like I was at the gym the other day and I ran into one. Not of course. When people watch it, listen, I watched it with a girl and she's like, he's dark. so when you're sitting here telling me it's like well yeah it's not that you have to explain it but you know people some people need that education they need to go oh he's not like oh sure but that guy

would be in jail you know what i mean he'd be on death row like i was at the gym the other day and i ran into tofer grace and tofer's like anthony i'm a big fan he goes and i just i see you in this gym and i just didn't recognize you first because you're not you don't act the way you do on stage and i'm like how the hell would i act like i do on stage in the gym hey well you give me that dumbbell dumbbell? Exactly. Like, it was like, there's no, I would have said something smarter than that,

but there's no, that person's not a human being. Like, he couldn't exist in the world. But I think if you don't know that much about stand-up and you know, most stand-ups just talk about their life, then you would think, oh, is this guy just doing that? But then you meet me and you're like, oh, this is clearly an act. Do you cry?

Yeah. When's the last time you cried? Probably, it's almost always a movie. It's like the end of a movie will get me. where I'll get... Forrest Gump? Shawshank Redemption. It's go sooner than that.

Those came out like 24 years ago. I'm dated. I'm dated. No. The last one that really got me was La La Land. Really? And everyone was shocked, but La La Land made me cry. And not a lot. It's like, I'm one of those criers where like the tears well up and my eyes hurt.

Right. But I like consciously pull them back. Pull them back. You want a back in your head. Yeah. To even get one tear down my cheek. Yeah. I try not to let that tear fall either.

Yeah. And I wish I did it. I wish I cried more. Because you feel better It's like an emotional release I have friends So I talk about it all the time Of like I bet I can make you cry

And next time you think you're gonna cry Call me And I'll get you all like get you over the edge And let you like let it out I would love to let it out Have you ever gotten mad on stage? Oh yeah Almost

No like really angry Oh yeah Absolutely And what happened I kick somebody out I just I mean it's like somebody They're just being drunk And disrespectful

Or they're being too loud They think the show is just for them they're in the front row and I'm like that you're ruining this for you're ruining my timing you're distracting me it makes me angry but I don't if I lose my temper that's how I when I feel like I failed I have a bad set that you have a bad set that's right but if I flip out and start screaming at people then I'm like that was on me let you know I should have been calm and there are ways to handle things but I I mishandled that like were you are you like hey you know what get them out of here out get the fuck out I'll just my code word I always tell the uh the uh the uh the uh

If I'm in a theater or a club, I say, my code word is get the fuck out. Because some people will say, get this guy a glass of water. And that's the code to get them out because they want to still seem likable. But I'll tell them like, hey, guys, shut up. You're out of here. And if they keep going, I'll give them maybe one more chance. Because if you kick someone out right away, the audience doesn't like you. They're like, what's his problem?

But if you give them enough rope where the audience is like, when is you going to kick them out? Then you're allowed. So then I'm eventually like, you know what, get the fuck out. And then security gets him. I saw Krista Leah kick someone out. Delia kicks someone out, right? Drop that. What?

You got to drop the Sharpie when you say that. Oh, yeah. Was he big enough? He's bigger than me, but... Still a name drop. All right, I'll drop it. He's bigger than me, but... But I remember he's like, you know what, get him out.

Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck. And then he went back into his routine where I would be so flustered that I'd be like, fuck, I don't... And somehow he got back into it. It's almost a relief when they're gone that I don't feel flustered after they're gone. Sometimes I'm mad I waited too long to kick someone out, which I have done. because I'd like brag about how I rarely have to do it

and then someone's talking and it's it's always alcohol or they're on like they're on Coke or something and they just can't shut the fuck up or they just think that the show is just for them like they'll be like yeah man yeah and that's just as annoying as you suck you don't want that but it probably took you years before

you had the you know the strength as a comedian or the uh the just to kick someone out well you're not really allowed to kick someone out until it's your show so a lot of times you just to suffer with whatever is going on. Oh, really? You can't be like the third guy up. Go get out, get him out.

Oh, no. They're like, hey, they're buying drinks. Do your set and get out of here. You can leave, but we're not kicking these guys out. It's a party of eight. We're not doing that for you. Now, whoever I want gone, even this before the show. If I was like, hey, that guy, I don't like the way that guy looks, get him out. They'll kick him out for me. But then I try not to do that. How often have you had to do that? Kicks him out before the show. Based on how they look. Never. Not once. But I, but I actually, one time, time someone showed up like in a full costume and I was like this isn't good this is not this is not good you're already distracted yeah like they're they're trying to distract me and be part of the show I don't

want that yeah I don't want people showing up in like shark hats you know what I mean this is not like your own personal bachelor party get out of here do you uh you talk about your dating at all no like right now no you never talk about your dating not really do you date a lot I don't date I say I'd say what I describe it as taking lovers I take lovers every once in a while, but I get sick of people pretty quick. So it's a short-lived thing. You do, what makes you,

what gets you tired of someone? I just really like to be alone. I like my alone time. I like to read, write, be on the road, do things. When people get clinging, then I just, I push, I pull away. And I'm like, you know what? I'd rather just be by myself for a while.

And then after a few weeks a month, you get horny. And you're like, all right, time to take another lover. Another lover. Yeah. That should be your next. next album another level next uh Netflix special that was my first album another another lover yeah but do you i mean it is hard to date it's hard to date do you find you have your go out with someone

who recognizes you do you ever go out with them or do you find that's difficult you rather not go out with someone that recognizes it's annoying because it's like a bar you have to live up too like fans will flirt with i want to date the asshole okay so be you know and then you're like it's like yeah it's like they have a preconceived notion of what it's going to be and they look at you like you're a lottery ticket you know like this guy's successful he's got money he's got uh what's the word I'm looking for um confidence confidence but ambition I feel like now it's like a lot of people I mean not in LA everyone's got ambition but you go around the country and people are just like I would love to meet a guy or a girl who just

wants to do something everyone just has this job and they're just like yeah I'm doing this job I hate it like well don't get another one like uh I'm not going to get another one I'm just going to do this You're like, yeah, so like ambition, like having something, a goal that you want to achieve is very sexy to a lot of people. You forget that in L.A. or New York or in the entertainment business, how attractive, just ambition. Isn't that funny? I'm on like that hinge. I'm on an app for dating, right? Are you on an app for dating?

I try. I got rejected from Raya. I have a friend pass so I can give you. But I noticed that girls like, I want someone with ambition. My God, that's what they want. Is this what this world's come to? They just need someone with any kind of drive. I think it's like the baseline.

But it kind of turns me off. It kind of puts a little. To me, it's threatening. To me, it's like, I'm going to let her down because I might have, I might be ambitious sometimes, but I could be a lazy fuck a lot of the times. Yeah. So when she wants ambition, I'm like, maybe I'm wasting her time. I find that they want ambition, but they want to be around it.

It's like, yeah, I'm ambitious. I need a lone time to do this. You got to go. And I like, no, no, that's like, like my perfect. relationship if I was going to get married separate houses for sure beautiful when I hear about couples like that I'm like yes that sounds that sounds great what do you 40 40 yeah just 10 he's 29 he's got a kid already 30 30 30 30 how old's the kid to that's can you imagine I mean that's most people that's a lot of people that's a lot of people it's not me not me what's the longest

relationship probably like I do a lot of I'm my old ones were on and off like my old ones were on and off Three or four years. Yeah, I always say three years and they're like, oh, really three years. I'm like, oh, yeah, six months at a time. Why is it hard for guys like us, like guys enjoy, I don't know. It seems like we may not have a lot of common, but we do. I'm 46 or 40, but it's just, why is it so hard for us to be, is it that we do really deep down, don't want a relationship or we want to be happy, but we don't want anything to hinder

our happiness because we're really good at being alone or we're really good at being independent. Is there something? What is it? I'm scared of not of being trapped, but of feeling trapped. The idea that you get married and you're like, oh, fuck, like, what did I do? Now I'm locked into this. And it's not like I think there's going to be something better out there.

It's like, maybe I just want to be alone. Maybe this person wasn't the one I want to be with. And I think that, like, I was in a relationship when I was younger that people thought we were going to get married. And we didn't because I was like just scared I would get divorced one day. Yeah. And then toward the end when we finally broke up, she was like, you didn't think I was scared too? like you just take a chance and you go through it together and I was like oh I didn't think of it like that

I didn't think of like that at all I thought that like everyone had that like storybook thing in their head yeah that if there was a chance you didn't get divorced you shouldn't be getting married but everyone has a chance of getting divorced and people change over their lives that I just feel like I I've enjoyed my evolution over these 40 years that I'm glad I never got mad and I have no regrets about the You feel like you have your shit together more now than ever? Oh for sure like you feel confident in who you are and what you are and where you're going. 100%. No, I mean, the only doubt, like, the only questions I have are, like, how long I keep this up

before I bail, you know, like, this is, fire in the maternity award's my fourth hour. And I just don't know if I can top it. And I assume eventually I'll be like, I've got to get back out there and do it. But I'm like, I never want to be bad at this, you know, that I wonder, like, do I have enough money now that if I never worked again, I'd be okay. Do you know that I deal with that all the time where it's like, you know, I, I, think, hey, I'm not rich. I'm not like a guy who could go buy

Mazda, Miata's. Wait, I could buy a Miata. No, what's the fast one, Maserati's? Miata, I could buy a Miata. Rob, yeah, you could buy a Mazda. I can't be out. I can't be out there tooling around and Karolas for crying out loud. But I think, you know, it's like, I don't need,

but I was younger, I used to be like, I just want to be rich, I want to make a lot of money, I want to be big movie star. And now I'm like, I just want to be healthy. want to feel good. I want to have enough money to do what I want, but I don't really care like I did about what other people think. I mean, look, we always care about what people think. But to a point where I'm like, do I have to go out and be a movie so do I have to say, hey, look what I'm working on? And what you're saying is like, this is, this Netflix special

in your eyes is like at this moment, this is the best I've got right now. I don't know if I've got something better. I guess we'll see. But what are you, you're sort of indecisive about like what the future holds. Yeah, I could do another hour for sure, but I don't know if it, I don't think it could be better than this hour that I've just done. And maybe it could. Maybe things evolve. And that's part of the challenge. I mean, if you had told me after my last special thoughts and prayers that you had to now top this, I would have been like, how am I going to do that? But I was able to get myself to that place where I had to do it. And now I'm so happy. Like I ran into Chris Rock the other night at the, at the comedy store. And I'd open up for him toward the

end of his tour for a little bit. And I was like, so what are you working on now? Because he had, he had a two special deal with Netflix. And I'm like, when are you doing the next special? And he's like, I'm not doing anything. I'm like, what do you mean? You got a special by the end of the year. You got to do it. He's like, no, he goes, I'm too happy. I'm too happy to work on stand-up. Like, I'm just enjoying my life. I'm too happy. And I'm like, that's kind of how I feel right now. Like, I'm just very satisfied and very happy that I'm like, maybe something happens. Maybe I'm wronged in some way. Because most of my successes come from revenge, you know, of like, my only revenge is a success let me go out and work and make everyone not feel bad but just make

myself feel better about something that I've done or a failure that I've had that I just at 40 now I don't know what kind of what would happen to me that I would feel that insecure again that I would need to go out and put the three years of work in but what would you do what would you do if let's say you were like you know what Anthony that was the best Netflix special you're okay with money what would you do if somebody said you can't do comedy anymore? I mean you mean stand up or just like I couldn't work in comedy?

Well, what would you do in comedy? I mean, right now I'm working on a TV show for Comedy Central where I like interview comedians and it's and it like when it's a very silly kind of the show is you know we want people to be laughing. All right so that's great. So you're other things you would do

this Comedy Central show. You might be, would you act? I know you said I will act like I had a meeting with like the head of a movie studio who's like you're my favorite. comic come talk to me he's like would you act and I go yeah if the head of a movie studio said you're my favorite comedian come be in this movie yeah I'd act right but am I gonna audition no I don't care that much and I don't so you don't think you'd be a good auditioner no I

know I know for a fact I'm a terrible I don't think anybody is I believe that but I just don't it's not I don't I don't put the work into it I respect acting but I don't put the work into it that you need to put the put the work but if somebody gave you a part you put the work into it. Yes. But you're not going to put the work in for an audition. Yes. I just don't have it. I like the way you're thinking. It's like if I do stand up, like I'll go up on stage a little unprepared. And I know that the embarrassment of being unprepared means that next time I do it, I will be 100% prepared. But I can't just do the homework. I have to go out and feel it. And an audition for me is feeling it. Right. You know, and then it's, but then your

chance is over. It's done. You'll never do it again. But if someone was like, here's your part, hear your lines, I would show up completely prepared. I'm not going to embarrass myself in front of the casting crew, you know, and ruin someone's project. Like if I'm on stage, people are like, what's worse? They'll say, I do sketch, but I couldn't do stand-up. And I'm like, no, stand-up is easy. Because if I mess up and stand-up, I'm the only one suffering. But if you and I are doing a sketch together and I mess up, I'm messing you up. And that upsets me. Right. You know, I don't want to be responsible for other people. It's just me. during your special do you uh do you ever uh did you fuck up and go take that back let's do that again

it was straight it was straight hour yeah of perfect you didn't do it twice you do it you do it two shows and the funny thing was uh usually the first show is bad because you're nervous nervous because the cameras are there it's a little bit different you want to get it right you're not thinking like let's just do the show you want to do the show right so you go out and you're a little sweaty you might mess things up you just they have the cut powder a little occasionally they'll be like let's get some makeup on this guy let's cut for a second sometimes they just let you go sweaty because they're like we don't want to stop them let's just get it in the can because there are plenty of specials that there are people are sweaty uh they just let you do it and the second one you're like you feel more comfortable so you know it's always the first one isn't great no it usually the first one is in great but that i hate that so much that the whole three years i was developing this new one i was just thinking about that first that first run that i want that first run to be great and it wasn't mentally preparing for it no it was I went out and I killed it. Like, I came off stage, hugged my manager, was like, I finally did it.

I finally had the first taping be great. Do I even go out for the second one? I'm like, maybe I just go out and screw around. Because it's the same lighting. Same lighting. Same place. Same everything. And then they come back and they go,

they go, John Mullaney and Nick Kroll are in the crowd to see you tonight for the late show. And I'm like, I'm not going to blow it in front of my friends. So I go out and I do as well as I can. The director comes backstage. He goes, those were great shows. we're using the second one. And I go, what do you mean? The first one was one of the best shows I've ever done.

He goes, we got better coverage on the second one. And you watched both of them? No, I just watched the cut. They did. You just watched the cut. Were you surprised at how handsome you looked? Did you look like, wow, fuck, they lit me perfectly? I wasn't surprised.

I was certainly pleased. Hey, did you, the people ask you about, like, you're dating Amy Schumer? Or is that something like, I don't want to talk about that show. I don't like, I mean, it's five years ago. I don't really know anything about it. I didn't even know you dated Amy Schumer or twill looked it up. Yeah, I mean, it was a long time ago. People used to bring it up all the time.

Like, people used to, I couldn't do a show without someone yelling it at me. Right. They would yell at her on stage. Are you friends still? No. Not friends. No. So it didn't end well.

It ended okay. But then over time, like you're in the same industry. You know, we had to go like a, do like a giant tour together. And it was just like, nothing happened. There wasn't any, like, incident. It was just like, I don't need to be friends with my exes. See, that's, that's a, that's a tricky subject because, you know, you say that. and I am there's some girls that I was like hey I'd love to have you in my life if it you know

it's not like you say that before like you're prefacing it with like hey if this doesn't work out let's be friends but it's almost like I do become friends with some of my exes and they're still in my life some of them they're now married and their husband's like no I know you had feelings for him like that and I don't want to see that guy yeah nothing against him don't and I understand it but for you once a relationship's over you're done hopefully you know and it takes a while to get to that point you know amy and i we were together we would break up and then you'd see her that night at the comedy seller and it's like well maybe a week of this and then we're getting back together you just can't avoid it right now on opposite sides of the country we don't see each other we don't

talk uh then it becomes becomes does she ever tweet you does she ever say funny special congratulations no would would that make you feel good or would you just don't care don't care you just don't care it doesn't affect you you're unaffected by other people's perception of you you really are at this point yeah i mean sometimes it makes me happy to hear good things but if someone if you if the love really affects you the hate's gonna affect you too and i get a lot of hate and i can't let that what bothers you what's the only thing that bothers you where you're like you want to tweet back you want to reply back to some guy who wrote an article and you want to say you're fucking wrong you're missing the point you're missing the boat you didn't get the joke

you fucking idiot do you think that ever no because if someone's totally dismissive then i'm like you're wrong. If someone's like, I saw every punchline coming, I'm like, no, you didn't. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. Uh, but if someone's like, I love you, I'm your biggest fan, that one joke was pretty weak. I'd be like, oh, was it? I would question that one joke. And sometimes I'm like, no, you're wrong. That joke is great. Uh, but I don't tweet back to anybody. Really? Unless it's like, I mean, unless it's a positive tweet. Like someone was like, here's my impression of every Anthony Jesselnik joke. Uh, I'm going to seriously consider the, like, the, uh, moral problems and society, just kidding, I jizzed in a baby carcass. And I just tweeted that and I was like, people who don't like my comedy, summing up my comedy is my favorite thing ever. Like I made it a positive thing, but I like, you're going to do a positive. Exactly. It's like, a lot of times on Twitter, I don't know if you do this.

If I rip on, if someone's like, I hate your comedy and I'm like, well, fuck you. You don't have a sense of humor. Then my fans are going to pile on them. And I don't want that. I don't like feeling like a bully on Twitter by setting off your fans on someone who doesn't really deserve it so and i just immediately block i like to mute blocking is like blocking is a harsh move and i've blocked people but it's aggressive so what is you mute you just can't see their posts mute you can't see and they don't know oh so they can keep tweeting at you i've been blocking the

shit out of people but it mostly it's for like i'll say something like and then they'll go oh you are you a fucking you're a fucking loo you know you fucking bandwagon fucking liberal piece of shit you live in a bubble actor i'm like and i get in I'm like, I didn't see anything fucking political. You mother fucking block. Mute. Mute's so much better. You motherfucking mute.

Because then they keep on screaming into the void and that you have no idea. It's so peaceful. Why don't you respond? Yeah. This is great. Don't you feel like you can talk to Anthony forever? Forever. This is easy.

Yeah. I decided to drive here. Dude, can I ask you this for those people who haven't seen the special? And look, I always speak my mind. I hate a lot of movies. and I always say when I don't like something. I really love the special. I really think it's really funny.

It made me laugh. I tell the jokes. Can you give me two jokes from the special? Can I pick them? Sure. I want you to do the Alzheimer's joke first. Okay. Let's see if I can remember.

Let's if I can get this. Okay. One of my next door neighbors is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer's. And every single morning at 9 a.m. He knocks on my door and he asks me if I have seen his wife, which means that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer's that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I have thought about moving. I have thought about just not opening my door in the morning. But to be honest, it's worth it just to see the smile on

on his face it took me 17 years to write an Alzheimer's joke like I tried for it was like my grandfather suffering from Alzheimer's he's 93 years old and there's not one person laughing louder than I am everyone people who have Alzheimer's people in the family tell me they're like when you started the joke I was like oh no he's finally crossing a line for me and then they hear it and they're like that's that thank you what's the best call you've ever received like the best call from isn't there a phone call you received the best phone call you're set me are you trying to set me up for one of my own jokes this way you're going to have to do a better job because what's the joke oh uh life can be funny sometimes right like i can't get into details right now but earlier this week i received the single

greatest phone call of my life and then just five minutes later i got another phone call telling me that my dad is in the hospital. I said, yeah, I just heard. It's funny, those two jokes, you let me tell. Those are the two jokes in my act that when I do the setup, the entire audience gets dead quiet.

Because when I say the, when I say the word Alzheimer's in the beginning, everyone gets quiet. Everyone's like, you could hear a pin drop. And you keep repeating it. And when I'm 70-year-old. But the first time they say, they're like, oh, shit, this is Alzheimer's.

like all it's a serious it's a word on there but when i say i got the greatest phone call of my life they assume industry they assume when i have an announcement about some great thing i got that everyone gets quiet for that but i love i love when the audience is just like what what and they believe me what what and they've written about it the the abortion joke and you guys will watch the netflix special it's it's it's the punchline at the end fucking just slayed me It's so simple. You're just not looking for it. You can't guess it.

Watch the Netflix special, firing the maternity award. Anthony Jestelnick is my guest. Dude, thanks for coming. Thanks for allowing me to be inside of you. Absolutely. Thanks for being inside me. All right.

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