Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: November 13, 2018

Bert Kreischer (Stand-Up Comedian) tells an incredible story about accidentally smoking PCP with Tracy Morgan and how to skip out on a bill, how Rolling Stones named him the biggest partier in the country, and his introduction to alcohol. Bert discusses running for president of the PTA at his daughter’s school just to fuck with another student’s mom, his hardcore codependency with his wife and why he thought Will Smith wanted to have sex with him the first time they met. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Rob, you know this guy, he was enormously funny, wasn't he, on the show today? Yeah, he's that shirtless, that comedian on Netflix. Yeah, I always scrolling through it. Well, I mean, that's, he pops his belly out. Yeah, he's been working out, though. Him and Joe Rogan have been doing all this Sober October thing and October sober, and, you know, he's always drinking. He talks about alcoholism.

He's a huge, funny guy. He's on the road on a big tour. He has a Netflix special. He's always working. He's just been around the block and back. He's a family man. I just did his cooking show on the YouTube thing. The YouTube thing.

How old are you? He cares, man. I don't know what's fucking called about that. You can just say YouTube. Moving forward. On the YouTube thing. I had one dude call me, said to me, one day I saw you on my tube.

I'm like, uh, it's YouTube. Whatever. It was my space. But, uh, Burracher. Hilarious. I think you guys are going to love this. It's just nonstop. His stories, man, are epic.

He was literally voted like the biggest partier in the history of schools. Yeah, Van Wilder was pretty much based on him. And you'll hear that whole story and much, much more. And his penis and Tracy Morgan. Tracy Morgan. Wait to you hear that story. You'll shit your pants. Inside of you is brought to you by policy genius.

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audience. You open the door and it felt like it wasn't the Burt Chrysher that I saw like a couple of weeks ago when I did your cooking show. I'm sober right now. You know, I'd see Twitter and Joe Rogan's tweets are just omnipresent. And it's like sober, sober, October? Sober October. I always say it's sober

October, only because it started as an intervention. It's, like, no joke, it, like, it was the one podcast I did where I was, I watched it. You thought it was an intervention. It made me really uncomfortable. Ari was there. Ari and Tom were there. And I was I literally got home and I was like, I think I might have just fucked up my career.

Like, I literally laid in bed and I was like, I think I just ruined my career. Why? Because I was honest. Number one, I was honest. You're always honest. It's a fault I have because I think I overshare. But what had happened was... You told the Tracy Morgan story.

Yeah. And you thought you're going to get... Why would telling a Tracy Morgan story ruin your career? Well, the Tracy Morgan story, I think, namely because I was like, he'll never remember it. He'll never remember that that's me. He won't remember I'm that one telling the story. he's lying and he defamed me yeah exactly and he did say that and I was like well I think you can say whatever you want there were people there that night so I mean people remember the story you want to kick your ass no well I think we need he didn't look worried I'm not worried about but wait a minute let's rewind there I mean you've told Tracy Morgan I don't think you could take a swing of Tracy Morgan now after the car accident yeah that's yeah like yeah I'm not gonna yeah I'm not gonna now you know people don't know that story yeah what my listeners perhaps I mean it's you know if you know if you You want to, you probably said and tell the story a million times.

I've told it a bunch. But, I mean, in a nutshell, you go through it quickly because I love this story. I don't want to you have to tell it over and over again. But in a nutshell, what happened? I was a young comic working the door at the Boston Comedy Club. And it's how I used to go on stage was I would bring, I had to bark and bring in like 20 people, 25 people by the end of the night. And then if I did that, I got $25, like a dollar for everyone I brought in, technically. I got $25.

I got $25 regardless at one point. And then I got to go on the stage at the end of the night. And I partied with all the black comics. All the black comics were the ones. And they loved you. Yeah, because all the white comics were sober at the time. Bobby Kelly, Jim Norton. They were all sober.

And so I partied. One of the guys was still a good friend of mine, Tony Woods, was like, one night he was like, hey, man, Tracy Morgan's coming to the club. We should hang out. And all four of us, all three of us. And I was like, really? And he's like, yeah, let me introduce you to him so he knows you're cool. Tony used to call me Sugar Bear. And so.

I could see that. By the way, thank you. Thank you, Brooke Kreischer for allowing me to be inside of you today. Of course. Continue. And so, so Tracy Morgan shows up. And Tony's like, Sugar Bear, there's Tracy, Tracy there's Sugar Bear. Tracy goes on, does stand up.

We're all cool. We're all hanging out. And then he goes out, done his spot, and he comes out. He's like, hey, you want to get high? And I was like, yeah. So we walk down the street. We're on West Third. We take a left on Sullivan.

And he lights a joint, hits it, hands it to me. I hit it. And the second I hit it, it just tastes weird. It's like, I'm telling you the story as real as I can right now. It just tastes weird. It just tastes like plastic. It was gross, and I hand it back to him, and I'm like, what the fuck's wrong with your weed? Weird weed here.

But I'm coming at him from, like, in college, if someone handed you, you'd be like, what the fuck's wrong with your weed? He's a celebrity, and he's like, what? Like, almost offended. And I was like, what the fuck's wrong with your weed? Your weed tastes like shit. And he's like, oh, shit. You never smoked sherm before?

I was like, what? Shirm. Sharm, baby. Angel dust. PCP. You never smoked shirn before? And I was like, who the fuck taught you how to do drugs? You don't hand someone on PCP and then go tag you're on PCP.

You all. offer someone in PCB and then I would say no thanks I don't want to see fucking spiders all night so I literally leave him I walk away from him freaking out because that happened to me once in it wasn't PCP but it was like heroin somebody laced a joint with heroin and I I felt like I was going through it was numbing and I threw up and then I my heart was right it was just the craziest you don't do that shit it's immediately panic sets in immediately I remember that I'm this is how small memories always stick with you there was a peanut butter and jelly store on that street at the time there's a peanut and I saw the peanut and I saw the peanut

butter and jelly store and I thought get a peanut butter and jelly you're gonna be fine you're gonna be fine and I just walk back to the club by the way I still have to work I still work the door I have to bring people in I have to do stand up I haven't even gonna stand up yet at this point you had to bomb oh I go up Tony Woods I go I just smoke PCP with Tracy Morgan and he starts laughing hysterically he's like no you didn't I said no I did and he goes no you didn't he goes I know the man he does not smoke PCB I go no he does and he goes no he does not

he's fucking with you because you're white and I was like seriously and he's like maybe he goes he goes listen I'm I he goes I've known the man for a while I know he doesn't smoke but you can feel it your system but no no something's wrong it might no now he's like now tony's like listen you probably just smoke weed did said something disrespectful and he's fucking with you so just hang out he goes don't go home don't go home because I know if you go home you'll believe you're on PCP and you'll jump out of a fucking window hang out with us I promise you're gonna be fine I promise you didn't smoke bp so I'm like all right so we hang out we I do my said I bomb I

bomb fucking horrifically I'm so in my head I'm having panic attacks I start drinking start to relax and we all go out to this club called Madam X. Everyone's got fucking champagne bottles. Tracy Morgan's got two champagne bottles on each hand. And anytime a girl walks by, he yells something outrageous and the place goes fucking nuts, hands are a bottle of champagne. Like almost like, like, almost like fun cat calling for the room. Like a girl walks by.

These aren't cheap bottles of champagne. He's giving free bottles of champagne away. And everyone in his group has one. There's like all 20 black guys all have a bottle of champagne. Big Bill. He's like, yeah, I need a bitch with a C-section scar. a bottle of champagne, a club because it was fucking nuts.

I am fresh out of college. I'm literally like three months out of Florida State, right? I've been doing stand-up for maybe three months and I'm like, fucking blown away. I'm like,

this is exactly why you move to New York. I want to be a part of this night, but I don't want to be a part of this bill. So I go over to the bar, I get a heineken, drink a hyniken, start relaxing. I'm like, I'm fine. We're all having a good time.

I'm laughing hysterically. Tracy Morgan to this day. Whatever you think I think of him, you're wrong. I think he's hilarious. I think he's funny. Tony Woods is hilarious. we're dying laughing all night long end of the night waitress comes up little white waitress comes up with the bill and she's got uh looks around the room looks all the black guys and then looks at me and puts a bill directly in front of me and the fucking table goes fucking nuts right and then it gets silent and tracy morgan's like what the fuck is that she goes it's the bill there's no bitch i know what it is what did it's to him she goes why i just figured that he's the he's the he's you're he was the guy you're you're he's like what our coach and he's like no i just figured that he was

the and he's like what our agent our manager because we're white we're black we can't have money she's like no sir and then she moves the bill up front of him he goes oh now i got money because i spoke up now i got fucking money you know what fuck you bitch and he rips his shirt off and throws it her face and it is silent two ex-niffel guards that are the bouncers there that me and tony knew fairly well uh post up on each of his shoulders and i hear hey my man tracy morgan looks around and goes bitch i ain't your man and elbows one of the dudes in the jaw the biggest fight I've ever been in and my life breaks out I'm on PCP I walk out the street

I'm pacing back and forth now I'm panicking I'm like I'm definitely on PCP I'm definitely on PCB this night's not going the way I plan I think I left my backpack in there I'm literally freaking the fuck out and Tony Wood's Did you get hit? No no I was out so fucking quick The second that popped off I will literally be lined out Tony Woods comes out he's like shit's going off

Like Tracy's got like nine dudes on him All the sudden doors are kicked open and a limp Shortless Tracy Morgan is thrown up the flight of stairs It's on Houston Street you know how if you have to walk up five steps they throw up and he lands on the ground in front of us and then the doors kick back open and his shirt comes out end over end and lands on his back and i'm looking at tony woods tony woods is looking at me and all we're thinking is what are we going to do with a dead tracy morgan it's 345 in the morning and Tracy morgan just stands up snaps his shirt and

he goes now that's how you get out of paying a check and just fucking walks away all that his ass beat thrown out of a club how much was that bill you know i can't even fucking fathom. By the way, I was so young at the time. I've been doing stand-up maybe, maybe a month, maybe three months, maybe, I mean, I'll tell you what, I was doing it less than six months because six months in, I got a development deal with Will Smith. Right. So like, it was less than six months. I was definitely 26 years old. And that happened. I remember Tony Wood's, uh, Tracy walked towards West Broadway, we were at called Madame X. Tracy walked towards West Broadway and I was standing there dumbfounded, dumbfounded. And Tony's like, are you coming? And he

starts walking with him and I go I think I've had enough I think I'm going home that sounds right I'm like I'm like he's definitely didn't smoke PCP he's definitely was fucking with me he knew he was crazy like a fucking fox and I was he's he the one of the craziest people you ever met no no no no he was I think Tracy gets a rap for being crazy I only met him one time but like I've watched a lot of him on on the internet like a like an aggressive amount right he just emotes like humor he's five so when you were so this whole story made you freak out because you told it on Rogan and you were like you hadn't told that story no no no so in all fairness and i'll keep the guy's name out of it only because i don't want any bad stuff going to him

i was working with a guy who i had told the story to uh and then the guy was like that's the greatest story i've ever heard by the way that the story happened probably 19 years ago so this happened before anyone who tracy more than was 24 years old i was 26 i was 26 yeah i'm 25 right now. Right. And so it happened 19 years ago. This happened before anyone knew who Tracy Morgan was. He is on SNL, but he wasn't like a big fixture on the show at all. So when I'd tell the story, people laughed because they knew Tracy. And then Tracy blew up. And then the story became that much better because he got famous. So like the story, I told the story, that night I told the story to my roommate and to a guy I ran into on the street. I was like, you'll never believe what

just happened to me. It was a great story. And by the way, I never told it on stage because it just wasn't I wasn't funny in it like I didn't do anything I'm I'm basically telling a story about a guy who's a comedian who is funny but it is funny if you think about this guy who just is right out of college he's a young guy he hasn't done stand-up he's with one of the biggest stand-up comedians not then but whatever so anyway I told it to a friend a friend that I was working with and that guy went on stage that night that I told him it and when he was bringing me on stage he was like are you going to tell that story I said no I don't feel I never felt right telling it on stage i just i just felt that it was me telling you about a funny thing that happened to tracy

morgan like i felt like it was his story in a weird way right and and me and tell a story that he would never tell you never like why would you ever tell it and by the way it doesn't make him look good so it's right like i always felt like you know what i'm not going to tell it and then what happened is this guy told it that night and said that it happened to me and the place went fucking nuts it was i was i mean it's a great story brought me on stage and i fucking destroyed and then he did it again a couple times and i was cool with it so i was like i'm not telling the story stories being told i'm getting credit in a weird way i was like maybe i'll ride this to the bank and then that guy did opi and anthony and i heard him start the story and i was like oh shit here we

go i'm a because i was a big o and a fan i was like i'm about to do opian anthony right now like he's going to say my name and they're going to go who the fuck is this berg christier guy and he said it happened to him and that is where the that's where i think rogan got involved in in my life is that he heard about that and he was like you have a great story why aren't you telling it and i said never wanted to tell it in the first place and this guy's now telling it and so i don't know what i don't know what to do and so he's like you need to tell the guy to stop telling it so i told the guy to stop telling it i thought we were good about that and then he ended up telling it kept telling it he just kept telling it and he told her on a special and tracy found out tracy found out and by the way

at this time now everyone knows that it happened to me so now this guy this guy who i haven't spoken to in probably nine 10 years this guy has gotten paid for it gotten gotten all the accolades for it and gotten and then kind of got out free and goes oh bert said it happened to him and then all of a sudden Tracy Morgan got pissed at me and I was like god damn it hey I didn't tell this fucking story I mean I was joking about it but this guy took the store and got paid for it yeah I told her on Rogan I've told it I'm just told him I have no problem telling it now because I'm like fuck it's cat's out of that bag there's no putting it once Tracy heard it I was like there's no has he tried to contact you no I and it stinks because I see he's a very sweet

guy you like him I love him dude it's just a funny thing that happened he does he's embarrassed He doesn't remember. He's definitely not going to remember it now. I think after his car accident. And Tony... Well, now he will. No, he won't. But Tony Woods, and Tracy Morgan walks in the door. What's crazy is that a lot of people have now told it. Like, a lot of people have told it that it happened to them. There was an Australian comic saying it happened to him. Tony Woods called me up from Australia. And he was like, dude, someone's telling our story. Because Tony and I believe, now Tony and I believe it's our story. Like, we've told it on stage together where we were, where we would did like matching. Like, I would tell my side.

And by the way, I am so less culpable in my side of the story. When Tony tells it, I am not like my shirt came off first, which makes total sense. I don't know. I'm surprised it's all now. Yeah, I couldn't believe. Like, I was like, are you sure? And I'm, we were on stage at DCM probably my shirts off. And he was like, you think Tracy Morgan took his shirt off first?

And I was like, it does sound like me when you say that. But I remember being scared that night. But I'm sure he was like, no, you were loving it. All right. So look, everybody like, if you say Burke, Christ, a lot of people say oh my god i love that guy Netflix and he's got doing all these things he's just the funny guy right yeah the guy

with the shirt off the guy on rogan the guy doing his own thing but like my whole thing is I want to know how it started because I was I know how I was as a child dysfunctional and like I remember in college getting naked and doing things and there's always a reason there's always a reason psychologically

why you do things you know maybe like dax was on the show dachshepard dach was like you know I think we used to show her dicks when we were younger because we were not very comfortable with the way we looked. We weren't comfortable with our bodies. So we just showed our dicks because it was funny and we sort of liked our dicks.

Yeah. And maybe there's a psychology. Then I go, Dex, that's pretty, pretty ingenious. We wanted to be the outrageous guy. I wanted to be the outrageous. I grew up, I grew up an athlete, like a legit athlete. What sports? Football, baseball, football, baseball, but then focusing on baseball. Got recruited out of high school to go play college, a couple different places. Duke, the

Citadel, oddly enough, and then decided I was going to walk on Florida State and got and I was like a, I was like cool. I, you know, like, I mean, I say that like I was, I was always funny and I went to an all-boys cat. Up until eighth grade, I was like the cool guy. Listen to the cool music. But you weren't crazy. You weren't taking your shirt off. You weren't farting. You weren't belching, drinking like crazy. Oh, no, no, no, no, not at all. Were your parents drinkers? No, not at all. My dad ran marathons and my mom never drank. My dad didn't drink. So it was a normal household? Very, like almost, almost abnormal, like very normal. Like, I love you, Bert.

Have a great day at school. I felt, I felt loved. They hugged you? They told you you were good at things? Yeah, I kissed my dad on the, I think I kissed my dad on the lips all through high school. When I said, good night, at the end of the night, I had to come in and kiss him on the lips. That's weird. Because he wanted to make sure I wasn't drinking.

I kiss on the cheek, maybe. I never kissed my dad. Oh, for real? Barely a hug. Oh, I still, I get my dad will kiss me on the cheek when I, I'm going to Tampa tomorrow, and my dad will pick me up at the airport. Lip him. No, he won't. For all time's sake.

Just say, hey, for old time's sake, dad, lip. It's so crazy because when I had my daughter, we weren't kissing her on the lips when she was a baby. And my sister came in and kissed her on the lips. And we went, are you kissing her on the lips? And she was like, yeah, we kissed that on the lips. Like, why aren't you going to kiss your daughter on the lips? And I was like, I don't know. And then we did.

And then there was a point where my oldest daughter said, yeah, pulled a cheek on us. And by the way, my youngest daughter never let us kiss her on the lips. Never. And never. And to this day, won't let us kiss her on the cheek. If she goes to give her a kiss in the cheek, you got to grab her by the fucking head and pull it in. The youngest one? Yeah, we got to a fight this morning because I kissed her on the cheek.

And she was literally pulling her head away. And I was like, no, no. How old? 11. And she goes, you're coffee breath in me. Oh, dude. Hey, Rob, did you ever kiss your dad on the lips? I don't think so.

We kissed Calvin on lips, though. Your son, he's 29. He's got a fucking kid already. How old? He turns two in January. Nice. I was 32 when I had my first? I'm 30.

he doesn't know my age nice you're 30 yeah but you never kissed your mom in the lips uh no no

I never did that so you know why that's not true I remember my mother when I was a young boy she did before I went to school she'd say Michael give me the movie star kiss

and I go and we would kiss like lips closed don't get all freaky looking on me Bert you know that tips of your tongue

that Humphrey Bogart yeah that makes sense yeah we would do that and that was, that's embarrassing. I don't know why I told that. But you kissed your dad in the lips and it was something you did for a while.

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I got into Florida State, but I never studied. I wasn't good at studying. I think I'm dyslexic. I never read a book. I'm colorblind. I'm a little dyslexic probably. It's just not very smart. Just not that.

It's not my brain. And so what, what made you the guy that we, you, not only the number one party school in the country, Florida State in 1997. Yeah. But you were the biggest partier in the Princeton Digest or something, Harvard. Princeton Review. The Princeton Review said you are the biggest partier in the United States of America. No, Princeton Review said Florida State was the number one party school in the nation. Right.

Rolling Stone wrote an article about Florida State entitled me the number one party animal in the country. And then Oliver Stone. While you were still there. Yeah. Probably my last two months of college, I was the most famous person at the school. Without a doubt, the most famous person. Getting laid constantly. No.

I was a party animal. I wasn't like a. But you're in Rolling Stone. Yeah, I had a girlfriend, and it was not like that. Like, not a lot of people liked it. Like, a lot of girls were like, ugh, what a fucking idiot. You had a girlfriend for how long? That one, yeah, I got her, like, my last senior year.

So did you make the baseball team? I went to try out. Walk on. Went to walk on. Coach knew who I was. I was supposed to play Legion ball in Tallahassee that summer, and I passed on it. I just partied. It was fun as fuck.

And I was like, I'm not going to go. You know what? I'll just say that it was too complicated. I didn't have a car. and then I'll just go to walk on. Coach pulled me aside and he was like, where were you this summer? I was like, yeah, I just never got around to it.

And he was like, where's Scott O'Brien? He was my best friend. He was a catcher. He got recruited to play at Auburn and decided to come back to Florida State and so he's in the dorms. He said, I thought the two of you were going to walk on. I thought, you know, and I was like, yeah. And he was like, well, I think he said something to the effect of.

If Scott walks on, I don't have a spot for you. But if Scott doesn't walk on, I got a spot for you. Regardless, I need bullpen catchers. So go down to the bullpen and catch 90 pitches. And I walked down to the bullpen, and I literally was like, I walked right out left field fence, walk right back to Sally Hall, went right into my room. Everyone was smoking. You should do this thing called time traveling.

You never caught one fucking ball. I walked out. He watched you walk out? Watch me walk right out the fucking door. Look out of a move. You had the balls to just walk out. And the adult's telling you some. I think I left my fucking catching gear there.

and just walked out. I was like, I have no need to this. Maybe it's in a frame right now in Sally Hall. Oh, and then I went and got... I got high and I called Scott O'Brien. I said, hey, man, coach wants you to walk on. And he went and walked on, played like four months and was like quit.

And he was like, this sucks dick. I literally thought to myself, oh, I also had a pledge pin on. And he was like, first of all, you can take that off because there's no partying if you're on the baseball team. And I remember thinking... Sigma Tal-O-Mega? Yeah, Alpha-Tal-Mega. Whatever.

I was like, maybe I'll just party. Like thinking, you know, maybe I'll just party. Then is when you kind of thought it. Maybe I'll just party. Yeah. And I was like, I'm going to party. And at this point, you hadn't really partied. No, to be dead honest to you?

I mean, I smoked pot and I drank in high school, but like a regular person, you know? Like, what was a girl from Clueless? Like, Claire, or Cher from Clueless. Right. Like, I'd done it, but not, like, too much. And I didn't even drink until I was 21 was when I first, like, drank, like, was, like, I'm a weird person and then I'm a stickler for rules. So, like, I didn't like breaking the law. I didn't like breaking rules and being out with beer and stuff.

Like that didn't, I didn't. So what was it the first time you really let go? Do you remember it? There was a reaction, almost like a stand-up comedian feels like the people were just going. This guy's fucking awesome. I think this will connect with anyone who's a genuine alcoholic. And I say this as a joke. If you really have a problem with drugs and alcohol, I apologize.

I don't technically have a problem with drugs and alcohol, although it's a big part of my life. But the first time anyone, anyone who hears this who's an alcoholic will know, this moment, me and Ben Sieberg were bored on a Thursday night. We had a pool table in our house. Ben Seberg. Yep. He's like, what do you want to do tonight? And I was like, I don't know. What do you want to do? And he goes, I don't know, you want to get drunk? I was like, and do what? And he was like, I don't just get drunk. Just get to sit down and just get drunk. And I was like, you can do that? He was like, yeah, what do you want to drink? I go, I've never had a martini. He said, let's go make up martinis. Let's go learn how to make martinis. Boy, the internet. Like, the internet was

there, but you couldn't like Google recipes. So we want to do it. So we want to, let's go, let's, let's go make martini's. So we went to a liquor store, ABC liquor, and we were like, how do you make martinis? And the guy's like, uh, you get this, this is this. And we're like, okay, cool. And we experimented making martinis and got drunk on like a Thursday and did nothing just sat there and got drunk. And it was awesome. And like for like the next like month, just you and another dude, just being another guy.

And that was awesome. And it was so much fun. And so all the time, someone would be like, what do you guys want to do? And like, hey, you want to just get drunk? And it was like so much fun. And then the real turning point for me when it came to my drinking and my lifestyle. I came back from Russia, and my girlfriend had cheated on me with my best friend and gave me the clap. And I had...

You got chlamydia. I got chlamydia. How do you know when you have chlamydia? Oh, you know. Is there a burning? Oh, you know. Is there like... It's almost like shards of glass are trickling out of the head of your dick.

And it's burning. You're done pissing. It's still burning. When you start to piss, it punches you directly in like the pubis. And it just comes out like, you think. it is going to be blood coming out and it's just not it's so fucking painful what color is it it's regular and uh and i was like i was like i was really fucked up about that's just the shame the day i found out i had gotten chlamydia and i found out from the doctor that i had

chlamydia and that is when she admitted she cheated on me but she had said and i guess you got i can't i don't believe her and your best friend yeah one of your good friends had clemedia gave it to her well i think she had love with a lot of of people and so I think that she had got he said I he goes I don't have it and so I think she got it from someone else I don't know I don't I really honestly she always said she never had it and so I so I guess I magically got it is what ultimately the that night Mike Osborne and I he's our buddy Clint was going through OCD he had just got he'd we had figured out he had OCD and he's like I'm going to Clint's house to hang out with him he's been counting books and he was like do

you want to wait Osborne's counting books no Clint Clint Clint Clint's counting books He was to count his books. We got to go over there. Yeah. It was fun. We had lived with Clint the year before, and it was fun to get him in his OCD, but we didn't realize it was a legit problem. And then when he moved into my apartment by himself, we were like, oh, it's a problem.

We should be his friend now. And so we'd all moved out that summer, and then we were coming back. And he's like, I'm going to over Clint's house to hang out with him. And he was like, I don't want to leave you alone. I just found out that she had cheated on me. And he was like, what can I do for you? And I was like, I don't know. And then he was like, listen, I don't, I'm not good with advice, but I can tell you this.

If you get drunk, the feelings go away, and I'll get drunk with you tonight. I'll get drunk with you every night until this goes away. Did you cry? Were you crying? Oh, my God, yes. Were you crying more that she wrote, that cheat on you or that you got chlamydia? That I got chlamydia was the second girl I'd ever slept with. And so it was like, all of a sudden, I'm dirty.

Were you embarrassed? Oh, dude. You remember going into that doctor at the, was it at the health clinic, at the student, whatever? Yeah, it was at Florida State was at, and I went into him and I'd said, I said, I think I have a bladder infection. I drank I had gone hiking in Switzerland and I drank out of a trough because we were thirsty and we didn't bring any water and I said I drank out of trough in Switzerland I'm pretty sure I got a bug there and he was like I don't think so you wouldn't you wouldn't feel it in your in your genitals and I was like are you sure and he's like yeah that's pretty much the last place and he's like he's like I think you got chlamydia and I was like I think he said the clap and I was like what he's he got the clap man it's like very casual about it it's so funny back then I was I was 22, and I thought he was an adult. Clearly, he was no older than, like, 28. Yeah.

So he's just a kid, too. Yeah, he probably just had the clap. And he's like, you have to clap. And I was like, no. And he goes, did you fuck anyone over there? I said, no. He said, you have a girlfriend? I said, yeah, and he goes, she fuck somebody.

I went, no, that's impossible. He goes, no, no, that's what happened. He just knew. Yeah, and he was like, no, that's what happened. And I go, no. And he goes, are you lying to me right now? I mean, you don't need to lie to me. I'm not your girlfriend.

Did you fuck somebody? And I was like, no. He goes, you're not lying. I said, no. And then he said, let me ask you a question. The Yannis was the name of our bar. He goes, when you go to Yannis, do you and your dick split up to cover more territory? And I said, excuse me?

He goes, do you and your dick split up and then meet up at the end of the night, your dick's like, oh, I fuck five chicks. I was like, no. And he goes, then your chick's lying. And she's a whore. And I was like. Does the doctor say, she's also a whore? Yeah, she's a whore. I don't know, but she's a hoaring on you and she's sleeping around enough to get the clap.

And I went, that's impossible. And he goes, dude, I'm telling you right now. And I go, I want the test. And he goes, I wouldn't do the test. I just take the pills. Take the pills. Confront her today. And I went, no, no, no.

It can't be that. I want the test. And he goes, I can do the test, but it's going to be a mistake. I said, I'll take the test. And so he goes, all right, take your pants down, take my pants down. He's like, hold on to the side of the table. This is going to hurt. Put it what he put in there.

Put the cue tip inside the head of my dick and went deep. And as soon as he did, I was like, she's a whore? I was like, fuck her. And then I confronted her. her and she was like I don't I don't have the clap I'll go get tested I'll get tested for everything and I was like I was like it doesn't matter I have the clap and I and I literally said to her listen when I go to yonnie's me and my dick don't split up to cover more territory like I re I repeated it back to her and so I had to take the pills and I

drank with Mike Osborne every fucking night what about Clint he's counting books at this time oh man Clint was Clint used to Clint was so fucking funny he said this thing called the perfect cigarette where he had to um he had to go out of state lines he had to be in georgia to do it so every night he'd leave tall assy drive two hours getting in georgia buy the pack of cigarettes tap it just perfectly uh one had to come out of the box perfectly and if he didn't he threw it away and he started all over and he would spend six hours a night driving around georgia listening to music trying to find the perfect cigarette pc baby the pc i could call mike osborne right now and go do you remember the perfect cigarette

we used to fucking i remember one time he took us on a perfect cigarette adventure and we were like just amazed at like how the perfect song had to be on i think it was like frank black i love frank black i love frank black too because of clint teenage of the year because of clint clint used to only play like really great music pixies and uh dude he introduced me to uh sundays dude the sundays the pixies the fucking cranberries even dude clint was a really great he still is a really great guy you know i i had uh crabs in college i think everyone had crabs i never got crabs Well, I got crabs, but I went to a grocery store because I was too embarrassed. I was like, I remember going to the bathroom late at night, and I just picked one off of me.

They were really tiny. I was like, why don't they call them crabs? Because, I mean, they're so small. They don't seem crab like. And then I put it right into the light because we didn't have a little thing over the light. It was just a light bulb in the bathroom at the college. And I held it up really close. And that was when my vision was really good.

And this. That's so funny. You say that. And it looked like a crab. Yeah. Like a baby minute. Just this infinitesimal Crab. Yeah. And I

I said, what do I do? I go, I have crabs. And I went to the grocery store and here's how I was I was so embarrassed. I didn't want to go to the doctor. So I tried to I stole like crab medication, lice medication from the grocery store. Yeah. But could you imagine if I got caught how more embarrassing that would be? Stealing crab. Veneeral diseases are so. So that's not a venereal disease. It's ultimately it is. Well, it's just a crab. It's just it's just it's not like it goes in you did i will say venereal diseases regardless are so embarrassing oh you've had more than one no no just that one but but that that tweaked my brain and anytime i had like a one-night stand and skinned it i've only had probably two one-night stands in my life i've only had sex with six chicks six women

yeah the biggest partier to ever but the partiers partying the parties party or parties and at the end of the night it is him being like are you guys really going to fucking bed where you always that guy always how many drinks would you drink in college once you got going once you and what's his name had that one night with martini's me and ben seabberg Ben Sieberg, after that night, how far did you get? Were you, like, on the scale of the year, you hear the Wade Boggs stories, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy would drink, like, 400 beers in a day or something? Would you, would you say you could easily drink a case of beer?

Oh, right now, yes, definitely. You could drink a case, well, you're not going to because it's sober October. Yeah, I would, I definitely, I mean, I, I, I, I, a case. What is your beer preference? I can drink anything. I, I don't, I don't get drunk the way other people get drunk. Like, I don't. You can control.

yourself you have control well i control and i fall sleep uh if i get too drunk i fall asleep i don't throw up and i'm and i don't slur my words i don't like you lose your erection no i i can't come now if i'm too drunk i can't come right and so like i just it just is like fucking pointless it's literally like just uh huh and so and so that actually i've i've cogniz and and what's funny is i come home on sundays and I drink on Sundays so I don't like when I fly home I drink usually I won't this week but what do you drink on the flight home I'll have titos and sodas at the airport and double jack on the rocks on the plane and you're fine fine you're just a fun drunk and then I'll have a couple drinks you're not an aggressive drunk you don't get in fights did you get in fights in college no I never

no I'm always the guy that was got hit because I would make a joke I never got in fights I got beat up a lot I got beat up a couple times yeah like I got beat up at one time right after the Ronnie King trial there was the lambda guys and the ATOs were about to fight and I jumped in the middle and I was like guys can we all just get along bam it's a great line at the time it's like two days after the trial two days right after you just said it really poignant now it's a little hacky but at the time it was a fucking slammer and I got fucking jacked just knocked out no I've been knocked out before I got knocked out by uh I wrote a joke song about this guy's about about the guys in our fraternity and I put one of the guys names in it and his girlfriend's name and I guess I had done it

morning he got upset i don't remember him being upset the time previous i got i felt like he never shared that with me and then he just came up and we were playing pool i was like what's up buddy i didn't even know and he was livid and then he was like dude i better i could and he got my face and i was like it was shorter than me too but i was like what the fuck but he was a tough guy was a very tough guy like the biggest badass at our high school older than me two years older than me he's like i want to fuck you up i want to fuck you up and i was like bro we're friends i can't believe you're doing this and i like got in front of him and i was like dude don't Don't do this.

Talk to me. Like, talk to... Like, he's about to beat you up, and you're trying to say, stop it. Yeah, stop. You don't want to fight. And he grabbed me and suplexed me and dropped me on my head on a marble floor, or like a concrete floor, and I was out. I was out.

I was out. I have no idea. I was out after that one. But did everybody say, hey, he hit you after that with their witnesses? No. I don't know what you ever... Did you have a concussion? Oh, I got lost on school.

So it was finals week. Jesus. And I woke up and his hand. was in my mouth and I woke up and I was like what the fuck and I was like what just happened like it was really out of it his hand his hand was in my mouth the guy who dropped suplexed his hand is in your mouth and then he kind of squirled back to the corner of the room and it was I you know my memory of this isn't perfect but I'll tell you what I do remember is I woke up his hand was in my mouth I was on the ground and I said to him I go what happened like almost like I had a seizure or

something and he like squirled back like spider man like like spider man back to the corner of the room by the pool table fear in his eye like i did something wrong here i did something really wrong because i just knocked my friend unconscious and then and he was like the toughest guy in our fraternity without a doubt without a fucking doubt and i got up and i just walked out of the house the fraternity i was in my fraternity house walked out and i got in my son i was in my sister's car which is interesting in the story because i got into my sister's car which I had had. I was driving as a convertible blue Mustang.

And I drove on campus and then I parked in a teacher's parking lot. And I was like, where am I going? And I was like, I was really confused. I was like, I got up. I walked into a classroom. I walked into a class. And I looked at them. And they were like, didn't know who I was.

And then I walked into the bathroom. I looked into the mirror. And I was like, I was like, no, I was just like, I was like, what is going on? Like I couldn't, I couldn't like jumpstart my brain. I couldn't jumpstart my brain to go like, like, I'll tell you what happened. And so I walked out and I sat on a bench in the middle of the school. And I just couldn't, I couldn't get my thought straight. It was like, it was like literally like, you dropped on your head.

Yeah, it was like, you know, when they say like, I got my bell wrong and I just couldn't, like, I just couldn't think straight. And this girl found me or talked, started talking to me. And I said, I'm so sorry. I don't know who you are. I actually probably didn't. In all honesty, I probably didn't know who she was. But like a lot of people knew me, but I probably didn't know who she was. that she looked at she probably came over to you because you looks like something's wrong i yeah oh i was

i think i was crying i was like i don't know you she was like i'm someone's girlfriend like mac or matt i'm someone's girlfriend i was like okay she's like are you okay i said i think i was beat up and she was like what i said i think i've been something's wrong i'm not thinking straight can you help me out i didn't even know what was going on i don't even know if i told her i gotten beaten up. I just said like, I think they thought I was on drugs. And so my head didn't hurt, but I was just like, I was really out of it, just out of it. Like, and so I went to the hospital, took him in the hospital, my roommate and my girlfriend, the two people that had had sex and two more years after that. Or no, yeah, yeah, at least they were there for you before they fucked you.

They showed up to the hospital. The lady had said to me, who's the president? And I want to say, I said it was Bush. She goes, where do you go to school? And I was like, Jesuit. Wait, I don't know. Where do I go? Hold on. Where are we?

Like, I just couldn't. It's so funny because I don't, I've never had that experience ever again, and I've had concussion since. It's got to be terrifying. It wasn't terrifying. Wasn't that bad. Once I stopped crying, I got in the car with the girl and got to the hospital. I was like, I'm fine.

I was like, I just can't, I can't. Did they get me an MRI? Gave me an MRI, said I had a pretty severe concussion, and they took me home and they kept waking me up all night. And then the next day I took my dog out to the mailbox. I got lost. I got lost to the mailbox. I couldn't.

And then I came back. Did you ever confront this guy? He came up to me. Yeah, oddly not. I'm sorry. I dropped you on your head. Everyone, he was graduating, but everyone hated him after that. It was, I think it was very.

He was the nicest guy in the world. Like me. I had a big mouth. I talked shit, but I wasn't like, I wasn't being mean. And the joke I said about him was not at all aggressive. Does he ever try to get in contact you? No. With you today?

No. No, no. He tried in college, he came up to me and tried to apologize. What'd you say? I was like, whatever, dude. You know what's so really interesting? He tried to apologize. And then this other guy was trying to fight me.

And that's not like I've gotten to a lot of fights. I've only been like a handful, but this other guy was trying to fight me. And the guy that beat me up, got stepped in. And so I was like, I was like, whatever. I don't really care about the guy. He's not someone that I would ever spend any time with now as an adult. My life is so globally different than his life. It's really bizarre.

Like, I see pictures of him. He's still, like, doing things he did in college, which I'm very happy for him. I don't care, but I just don't fucking care about the guy. Do you do things that you still did in college? Yeah, a lot of things. I think I have arrested development. I think I do too. Yeah, I think I stopped growing.

That's why I like you. Yeah, I think I stopped growing up in my freshman year of college. I think that somewhere along there. Fiscally, I am the exact same person. What is it, what do you think causes this? What do you think, what is it that you, I mean, look, you're married, you have kids, You know, you love them. You seem responsible, but you seem like you're still that.

What is it that you think happened? I know for a fact, when I got into comedy, I took it as a legit passport to being a child. I didn't understand how comedy worked. And Dimitri Martin explained to me, you know, you got to carry a notebook around, man. You got to, like, always have a notebook and be writing down ideas, writing down funny thoughts. And I had once in college, I had come up with a funny thought and I made myself laugh. This is before I even got in comedy. I made myself laugh and I couldn't stop laughing at it

And I felt silly I felt like I go stop doing that man It's almost like crying by yourself You're like don't cry but just stop crying just stop crying Like I felt silly that I was making myself laugh And when Demetri said that I really opened me up and I went So it's okay if you make yourself laugh Is like are you serious? That's the goal It's come up with a funny thought make yourself laugh

Then share it that night Dude I changed the way my brain worked that day That day I remember going so everything's a joke So everything's a joke No matter what the fucking I was working at Barnes & Noble, and this lady asked me if I wanted, I said, I said she was looking for a magazine, and I started walking around looking for it, and I realized in the middle of walking to find this magazine that I didn't really care about this magazine, and I didn't care about her finding it, and that my head wasn't in it. I was thinking about her, and I just started giggling about it, and I turned around her, I go, you know what, my head is not into this. And she was like, excuse me?

Dude, there's nothing worse than a young person who just doesn't care. And when you're an adult, you're like, I need this magazine. There's my friends who wrote an article in it. And I'm like, I'm not going to help you. But you just said, just right away when you said it, it's almost like you didn't have to say anything else. When you said a passport to being a kid, to being a child, it just hits somewhere in me. Like it's almost like you're making a living being funny. People want you to be funny.

People want Bert to take a shirt off. People want you to be that kid that they kind of want to be, that they miss being and sometimes they like to be. and so I a lot of times feel like that I'm always like trying to make people laugh trying to entertain and I always fight like why do I do that? Why do I need attention? And then I'm like maybe it's just part of you

and you enjoy making people laugh and making people happy. You sort of have like a get out of jail free card with just I'm going to act like an idiot and have fun and say all the things that you guys want to say. I have two stories about being a kid that are like frustrating to adults but fun if you are not.

not if you're just listening you're going to love it but if you're an adult in that moment very frustrating one is one time uh one time i woke up in the morning and i said to my wife what are we doing this weekend and she was like what do you mean i said well like i don't know i feel like we should do something big this weekend she was like why don't we just hang out and just clean the house i go no no no no no i go tell you what how much do those inflatable slides cost she's like i have no idea i go let's get an inflatable slide put in the front yard and just invite people over just people walking on the street want to get on the side they can all get on the slide and then we'll have drinks in the backyard it'll be fun and she was like I don't

baby that you got to get like weeks in advance so see if you can get one she was like no it's gonna be like 2,000 I go we'll see if you see she comes back in the room her eyes are like wide open her jaws drop she goes it's 150 bucks I go are you serious she goes they can drop it off at 8 in the morning and I go get a fucking slide she goes actually they can drink us two of two slides and then we just do like a impromptu block party at our house and it was fucking the greatest day of our lives do it again people are coming up going like so what's what's what's going on is it someone's birthday go no it's fucking sunday it's sunday it's the lord's day and the christers day we went we one time we the is ila's graduate my oldest graduation from fifth

grade it wasn't graduation was something like the end of the year concert right so they're in the auditorium 11 a.m now what they had done the school had done is they had said it's 11 a.m. so get here at 10 so they had like two things you had to be at so we got there at 10 and what they had done is they had wedged in the PTA for our thing it's called pace but PTA elections in between there so that there would be the most parents there so you had two events and then they crammed in this election and so I get in there I'm like and we sit down in the front and they're like all right dunk dunk dunk like gavel on the table call to order and I was like wait what the fuck is this and Leanne's like oh they're doing PTA elections I go I'm out and she was like no just sit

And I go, no, I'm not going to sit through a fucking election. I go, we're not even a part of PTA anymore because Ila's graduating. We're not a part of this at all. Waste of time. Yeah, I go, I'm going to go, I'm going to go out. I'm going to walk around. And she was like, just sitting here. So they're like, all right, running for secretary dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, running for president, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot

running for president is genie. And I go, it's just one person? And she's like, yeah, I go, I lean back. I go, hey, someone nominate me. And they're like, what? I go, just nominate me. me. And Leanne's like, don't do that. And I go, why not? I go, I'm not going to let her uncontested. Let's make it fun. Oh, my God. And Leanne's like, oh, my God. And she starts and

someone goes, hey, by the way, the prince. How old is this girl? Probably 38. The girl running, 38 years old. And so, and it's for the PTA president. And now the president, the principal, vice principal, a dean of our grade schooler in the row in front of us. And they're like, actually, I don't think you can run. And someone's like, actually, he definitely can run. like don't say he can't run he definitely can run now you're just making that up because you don't want him to run and they're like seriously what he and so I just go please someone nominate me

and Brian's the panic puts his hand on me goes I nominate Bert Kreischer for president and I go I accept and the room is bubbling now by the way I am a professional fucking comedian speaking in front of public in front of people is my strongest thing I can do in the world

please say this didn't go well so I so they go they go I guess we have to take Bert Christher is the public And this woman's going Are you being fucking serious? Hold on. He's not, his kids are graduating.

Like, how can I go? Actually, it doesn't matter If my kids are graduating. I can definitely run. I'm definitely running. And now, by the way, I knew this woman really well. Were you laughing while you're saying this? I am dying inside.

I'm so excited. Are you acting serious? I'm pretending to be serious. Acting dead serious. Okay. And I go, I can definitely run. Now, I used to hike with this woman all the time. Me, my wife and her two friends used to hike with her all the time.

And then one day, she stopped hiking with us and started hiking with a group of other women. and didn't talk to us about it. And it was always, it wasn't bad. It was just awkward because we'd see them hiking the exact same route. And we were always wondering what happened to her, right? So I get up and I was like, listen, I just want to tell you who I'm running against. And I talked about this hiking thing. Did you say something about yourself at all?

Nothing. Nothing. And I just, and I just slammed her. And I go, and by the way, she's our friend. She's definitely friends. I go, we used to hike every single morning. And she goes, oh, my God. And she knows this is all true.

And I go. And then one day, no phone. call she stops hiking with us and starts hiking and I name the other two women starts hiking with dot-da-dot and dot-da-dot and she's like oh my god this really can't be what this is about like she starts literally losing it she's my friend she's literally losing it and I go I just want you to know that one day she'll be your praise president and then one day she won't that's all I'm telling you is that as a friend this and I will tell you right now I will always hike with you I will always be there with you I will always call you at six in the morning and say are we

hiking today. And when you say yes, I show up. If it's raining, I show, I start giving the most impassioned speech. You're like Rudy. And my wife goes, just stop. Stop and say you aren't running for real. Stop and say you aren't running for real. People are losing their minds and going, I don't want a flip-flopper. And then I sit down and I don't say anything. And they're like, oh my gosh, she gets up and she's like, I can't believe this. Okay, the reason I started hiking with them and I go, I stand up and I go, I rescind my nomination. I don't want to run anymore. And she won. But I was Like, why wouldn't you run in that moment? Why wouldn't you run?

Like, why wouldn't you have fun with the fucking moment? Why did, I mean, did she, she was mad at you, though? No, she was, her husband's like a big writer on the big, modern family. Look, we hear all this fun stuff. You seem like a guy who's got so much confidence. None. Like, do you, do you get nervous? Do you get scared?

Do you get anxiety? Do you get depression? Do you get, do you cry? Do you think, I'm crazy? Do you go to therapy? Do you take things to help you with these? things I drink number one uh you said before drinking wasn't a problem you just like to drink you don't think you have a problem yeah but but i definitely there is a part of me when as soon as

sober october starts i always go like i always recognize the actual muscle trigger of addiction where i go like today i said i'm flying the tampa tomorrow and i'm i said oh go i'll go hang out with my dad have a glass of wine i was like oh wait i can't do that and then i got like i go what the fuck am i going to do that i'm going on a cruise for four days Can't drink. And I was like, who doesn't drink on a cruise other than morbidly obese people who just go there to eat themselves to death? Dr. Drew Pinsky just Instagrammed you. Did he?

Yeah, it was on your Instagram after you said, you know, or maybe it was. Yeah, it was. It was like, you know, for the whole sober October and he says you can do it or something. By the way, it's super easy for me, not for everyone, but for me it's very easy to quit drinking. I work in absolutes very well. I have a hard time in the gray areas. I immediately go, I just will quit drinking for the rest of my life. I think of that every time I start sober October I go what am I doing drinking I'm so much happier not drinking I feel fun I feel alive like maybe I'll just smoke a little weed and every now and then I go but then I go I know that we're partying November 5th we're going to have a big celebration to celebrate the end of October sober October and I go off definitely I'm not going to miss that so I don't know well what about your doctor does your doctor say Bert we just did a physical your blood work is pretty good your liver's good yeah I just I just got a full blood panel and it was good no chlamydia two weeks ago I did a

full blood panel and he said you're all your you're totally normal you're you're actually healthier than you were a year ago come on swear to god and he said the only thing is he goes I want to track your blood pressure over sober October because I'm on blood pressure pills and he goes and it drops so low I want to just keep an eye on it I want to keep an eye on it for the month and he's like so track it for the next two weeks so we know where you're at right now I had to track it every single day and he's like just track it every single day take a blood pressure monitor with you and you have chlamydia and your wife's chlamydia do I thought it has your dick you guys you're at your dick going somewhere else during the

I love my wife too much I got how long you've been with her 15 years 15 years yeah you guys get along great she's in Vietnam she just gets you 100% she's I she gets me and I am perfect for her like the things she wouldn't allow herself in life I force on her so like right now

she's in Vietnam that's because her friend was going to Vietnam for business she don't want to go she would never have ever admitted she wanted to go she would just deny herself that because that's who she is got poor so I'm not going to go we're going to spend so much money I said to Vietnam's cheap she's like I know but the plane ticket I and I go first of all I'll fly if you want if you want a coach for fucking 500 bucks and it's no money but I want to fly you business class she's like oh I'm not going to pay that and I go it's

two grand it's two grand it's just fucking five business class and she's like that's we use miles it costs us nothing Vietnam you won't spend more than a thousand dollars in Vietnam and she was like you serious I was like yeah we did the math her friend calls her do they have the most amazing tour through Vietnam. They're on an overnight train right now to Sapa. And, and it, do you miss her? Right now, yeah, because I'm fucking losing my mind with my kids. I'm not good.

Do you have a codependency together? Hard core. Hard core. Explain that. My wife sets it up so that everyone in her life needs her. She wasn't needed as a kid. And I think she felt like no one wanted her, you know, her dad or her mom. They're divorced and she went back and forth.

I don't think she ever felt like needed. or wanted so she sets up a thing where you need her and sure as fucking shit we have three chickens they need her we have uh we have two dogs they literally every animal in the house follows her around wherever she goes and my kids are useless without her i am useless we need that woman so much literally i always used to make a joke that if she said she wanted a divorce i go cool what am i supposed to do right now though like are you getting me a hotel room or Like, is there a car service big of me? Do I need to call a lawyer?

Yeah, do I, how? Can you hook up a lawyer for me? Because I don't know how to do that. But yeah, I'm fucking, I'm obsessed with that woman. But I'm good for it because I go, you have to do this. She started a challenge her. You make her do things that she normally wouldn't do. Out of her comfort zone.

She started a podcast this year because I said, fuck it. We have all the equipment back there. You feel like you're lost. You don't know what you're doing. Do a year of self-discovery where you talk about this on a podcast. What I'm doing? Yeah, you're talking to other people about what you're going through and about what they're going through. and like and find tackle all the subjects you want to talk about that telling you a podcast for me

has grown me exponentially because I sit and I spend two hours with the person that I normally wouldn't sit and spend two hours talking about life life and so I go do it she did her start at her podcast and was like fell in love with it I was like I was like what else do you want to do she's like I want to lose weight I was like we had a sponsor beach body so I go do the 21 day fix she did 21 day fix lost like 15 pounds and was like holy shit and then and then I was I said to her this trip. I go, this is the best year of your life. This is your year. So go to Vietnam. Let it change your cultural DNA. Let it make you a different person. It will. There's no way it won't. It'll blow your mind. Vietnam is such a beautiful and almost impoverished, aggressive place that it forces

you. It's like New York, but if they cut all the buildings in half, you know? What does she say to you in terms of like, it sounds like you're encouraging her, you're trying to get her out of her comfort zone what this when you do stand up does she go see your stand up does she see your things does she when you pitch jokes to her she honest and say that's not funny no she can get that uh she'll go through my edits like i edit videos uh to promote stuff she'll go through those and she hard on you or she's brutal she's fun she like it uh no i don't i wish she was i mean yeah ultimately because it makes it better but like the joke in our house is that if you want to feel better ask my sister's opinion if you want to for the truth ask liam like what does she say to you

that really, you know it's sort of true, but you hate hearing it? She, I just did a video to promote my, I'm doing a world tour starting in January. World tour, how many, how many venues? 60. So we're doing 30 or 40 in the States and then. And no drinking, at least for October.

Oh, the tour is in January. I'm going to be fucking wasted. Yeah, there's no way I'm not drinking on that tour. It's through Scandinavia, the UK and Australia and New Zealand. I'm going to be fucking wasted. So back to what she says to you. She is, oh, so like I sent her the video and she's like, yeah, I don't get the fucking two chicks yelling the machine. And by the way, it's like my favorite part of the video, it's two really beautiful chicks yelling the machine.

And I'm then, and there's two guys kissing. There's two dudes, like two bears. On this video? Two bears in the crowd. Right. When I get on stage, everyone rips their shirts off and everyone ripped their shirts off. And I had a video cameraman shooting it. And these two bears started making out.

And it was just awesome. And I put it in. She's like, yeah, pull it out. It's stupid. Are you trying to like let everyone know your, progressive like what the fuck are you doing i was like in my head i was like maybe i was i don't know do you ever get man go you're wrong yeah a lot you guys yell at each other no she was a bad fighter when i met her like she wasn't good at like fighting she want she would want to make it

physical physical yeah like she'd want to be like that was her natural go-to through high in high school no she never hit me if i remember one time she like put her finger in my face i go whoa what are you doing and she was like what do you mean i was like or whatever it was it was It was like, I remember being like, hey, you know, you don't have to fight like that. Like, you can also just like, tell me what's wrong and I'll fix it. She's like, what? I go, tell me what I did and I'll just change it and make it better. She was like, wait, what are you talking?

I didn't teach her to fight. I mean, joking, she says this a lot. She always goes, how come you're so self-correcting? And I go, well, because if I'm fucking up, I want to make it better. But adversely, she legit cannot apologize. Really? Legit. She can't say, I'm sorry.

I love you, Bert. pretend i really fucked up and i'm my wife and you're me okay so all right and so and just be like hey um listen that was really fucked up like wait i'm your wife no you're me i'm you i'll be my wife i'll show you how she apologizes all right hey um you know you really hurt my feelings fine then i guess i'm sorry well that didn't sound genuine oh i say i'm sorry and you get to decide when that's genuine Yeah, I know you really well, and I could see that you're not genuinely sorry. Okay, how's this then?

Hey, I'm sorry. By the way, I'm doing a great impression of her right now. That if she heard this, she would be like, that's fucking eerie. Hey, I'm sorry. Now you're patronizing me. No, I'm not. I'm apologizing. Now you're raising your voice.

Oh, my God, everything with you. Now you're in the Lord's name in vain. Oh, you know what? I'm not sorry. Is she Canadian? No, why? No, she's not Canadian. I'm sorry.

No, I wasn't. You focused on that. A little bit. So sorry. And then all of a sudden, I'll be in our bedroom, and she'll come in, and she'll be like, I am sorry, I'm sorry. And I'll be like, oh, so she will come down with it. At the very, after you've said, you know what, fuck it. And now I'm mad.

She's like, I'm sorry. I'm fucked up. I'm sorry. Oliver Stone bought the rights to the Burt Kreisher story. That's true. I didn't. I don't think there was a money exchange at hands. So you never got paid for it, but he liked your story.

The option to rights to my life. story then he didn't do it but then one of the writers supposedly changed your name made van wilder they didn't give you any credit but they've told you that it is about you and you've never asked for a dime because it was a pretty good movie with Ryan Reynolds it was not a pretty good movie I don't think I didn't see it either it was a lot of movies it was very yeah it was very successful so you could easily have asked hey this is a story about my life yeah I want a million dollars I guess well the here's the I mean I think this is a little inside baseball for me and you for the listener but like it didn't open well So it was a failure in the box office. So they could just hide the money and say, oh, we didn't really make money. Well, no, no, but my agents and managers called. I was on Venice Boulevard by the T.J. Max and the Starbucks, you know, Starbucks on Venice near Culver City, Culver City?

On the, and so that's where I was when I got the call. I can tell you what car I was driving. And so it was a Yukon Denali. And so, because I had speakerphone. And as people were popping on, I could hear, you know, someone's entered the call say berry cats and so and so they he's like he was the last one on the call and he's like i'm sorry what are we talking about and they were like so van wilder is ultimately the option that started with the story of births and it's the same they're like and it's the same thing it's uh apparently

it's a movie about a journalist discovering a party animal that's the theme and they're like that is what happened to bert a journalist discovered a party animal but they made it a girl and they fell in love And they're like, we want to, we want to sue. And a manager and agent, maybe two agents and another manager on the call that we're like, we should sue. And Barry Katz is like, you're not going to win. I apologize and I'm late to the call, but I'm going to stop this right now and make it short. Papa, that's what he used to call you when he represented you, Papa. There's two types of people in this business, people who sue and people who work.

Pick which one you want to be. And I was like, well, I want to work, obviously. And he's like, all right, conversation's over. We're not suing. And I was like, what, no. I almost did that too. And they said the same thing. It's like, you know, you're just going to hurt yourself more.

Yeah, you're just going to hurt yourself. People don't want to work with someone. I remember this guy stole my script. I mean, he literally stole my story. Really? I mean, wholeheartedly. I mean, it was the first page was verbatim. And it's a big show now.

I'm not going to say anything. But I remember Dax, again, Dax with all the advice. Yeah. He said, let me ask you this question. Do you think you'll ever come up with another idea? And I go, what? yeah of course he goes well there you go yeah i mean if you were to say to me this is it that was my only idea that was the only thing i've ever written that's the only thing i'm going to write i'd say

go after it man sue it do whatever you can but if you have other ideas and you're going to explore i'd say don't worry about it yeah it's uh it still hurts it still bothers me it doesn't bother me anymore but it's like every time i see like the pop of all like hey watch this show i'm like you motherfucker i have no feelings about the movie man wilder meaning like i have no connection to it. I didn't write it. I don't want to know. I would watch it. Why do you make your own movie call listen, I want to write it. I want to get the rights.

I want to call it Kreischer. Kreischer. That's it. Or Jesus Chrysher. Jesus Christer. And I want to write this. Your story, your book, you wrote a book. Yeah, Life at the Party. But your story is a great story about finding love, about a party animal who really finds love and it's

that's kind of been wilder. But it's different. It's different because we add OCD guy. We do OCD. If OCD guy's in that fucking movie, you're suing. We're going back to Batman. Can I tell you what I'm, can I tell you what? They kept some of my friends' names in the movie. Well, then sue!

Hutch, I remember my, it bothered me so much because I had a really popular story at the time about taking acid and going to Disneyland, and it was with my buddy, Hutch and Harper, and people would hear the story and go, you just took that name from Van Wilder, and I was like, excuse me? Oh. And I was like, they're like, it's just

crush you? It's a cool name, and you took from the movie van wilder i was like punch somebody no i you know what the truth is i wanted to distance myself from the rolling stone article and i wanted to be a real comedian i wanted people to go do your great comic and then i wanted to say did you know that in 1997 rolling stone magazine option the rights of my life and became the movie van wilder that's what i wanted to say about my life and so ultimately i think that's what the story about my life and then i went into this press store and i was like hey please don't even bring up van wilder because i go i don't even have anything to say about it i never seen it like everyone's like did you jack off a dog

And I'm like, I didn't see the fucking movie. I did a- Did you jack off a dog? Yeah, but no one knew about it. Well, they do now. Was it a German Shepherd? It's a bulldog. What are these Twitter questions? You know, Jason, Alia, is it true that he can lactate on demand?

No, that was a guy. There's a guy that was with me that could lactate that I took a video of him posted it. Oh. It was like fucking bizarre. I don't know if that's what he's talking about. But there's this guy's like, I can milk my tit. And I was like, are you serious? And he's like, dude.

get your camera out and so i videotaped it put it on instagram and he milked his tit i wish you could do that though i would i i yeah that'd be awesome do you still masturbate yeah a lot even with a wife yeah yeah yeah i don't have been masturbator rob do you beat off i got a wife too i don't really you don't really masturbate wait oh but you guys aren't on the road the way i oh yeah like when you go to a hotel you're you there's times where you're like oh i haven't jacked off yet today do you can can you just beat off to no porn just your imagination no no no no no you gotta have visual yeah i remember porn when i when porn showed up i was like oh we just stepped up the ball game yeah now there's a total reason to get a computer do you still wake up with uh boners no i do have i do have

lucid dreams and if i lucid dreams a lot of times like my wife's in vietnam right now and so i had a lucid dream the other night and i was like i'm not awake this isn't real this is a dream i was like i can make a beautiful woman appear and then a woman appeared and i was like i'm gonna go down on her and I went down on her and I was like I'm gonna have sex with her and then I was like wait I should get a condom and I was like wait there's a dream oh shit and I pulled out of it I pulled out of it do you ever wake up still I know it's only supposed to have you know you know when you know I have a wet dream I have not had a wet dream and I have every once in all even like very like on a rare occasion will be a little bit like so turned on in the morning then how great would it be if you could take a pill that would give you wet dreams instead of ambient you just had wet dreams oh my God take those on airplanes Jesus that'd be a Emily Sudall at Ian Sue, you should talk about how he threw a period party for his daughter. Is that true? Yeah. It's a bit I'm doing a little bit, so I won't run the bit on you.

But my oldest daughter had her period and melted down. And it was like traumatic. Like she was like, I'm not ready to be a big girl because she was the first one. But when the youngest one had it, it was almost like our house had already been christened in blood. So the youngest one called my wife dealt with the first one. Thank God. I would have fucked that up. And then my youngest called me at home because my wife's on therapy.

and at the chiropractor on Fridays I had a call she's like dad I got my period and this is how bad of a dad I was I was like how'd you get it she's like what I go like how'd you get it like accepting an award where you went PE class like how'd you get it is the joke I say on stage is she goes I was playing kickball I was like oh poor kid probably thought she blew out her pussy so so then I go all right baby what do you need me to bring over like new panties new pants what do you need she was like huh I go do you need like new socks like what to get you're socks like I don't know she's like no dad I need you to store and get supplies I go supplies how bad is it period she's like no I'm throwing myself a period party I was like what she's like a period party dad all the girls are doing it need you to the store and get a red velvet cake so we're gonna put the name of my period on the cake and I'm like who the fuck names their period let alone I'm not eating a red velvet cake knowing what it symbolizes island she goes dad I've already invited 10 people eight girls and two boys and I'm like I go who invites boys to a period party she's like dad that's the fun of it we don't tell them

they're there. And I was like, all right, I'm in. I love it. I love the idea. And we threw a full blown period party. I put it on Instagram stories because I'd never heard of it. I guess some other girls in her school had done it. And I'd never heard of it. And I just thought it was crazy. So I put it on Instagram stories. And then when I was getting ready to do Conan, they called me. And the woman who did my Conan, our kids go to the same school. She knows me. Like knows me, knows my wife. And she goes, hey, I would love to talk about your daughter's period party. like that's just a I think that's a funny like she everyone knew about it and I put it on Instagram I was like yeah I can talk about it and I'd worked it out as a bit a little bit so I did

it on Conan and dude it was it was one of the cooler things I'm not progressive I'm not like the most progressive guy I'm not conservative I'm just a regular dude yeah like I like drinking beers I like fucking bargain it's on your mind it's not always the right thing and it was cool to have I've never had like the support of feminists but it's not me it's my daughter right daughter did it I'm just telling you the story but it was like all these cool chicks that I admire that are comics were like how badass is that like and like retweeted it and re-shared it

and like all these feminist like places are like yes ladies yeah and by the way I'm like I didn't come up with it I have no ownership to it Ila came up with it and she came up with it with other girls the other girls came up with it because feminists came up with it so it's like trickle-down feminism ends up in my

house and I think they were just thought it was cool that a dad would like it you know that dad would be like I want to see you at sprinkles just getting the cake and the woman's thing What's this for? My daughter had a period. The best part of the story is the two boys that they invited, Max and Carter, are eating red velvet cake and just looking at it. And, yeah, like all over their face.

Like, like they're on their honeymoon going, it's okay. Well, I'll eat it anyway. And so the one kid goes, who's Jason? Because the name's Island named her period, Jason. And they're like, Jason, don't worry about it. And then I go to Isla, I go, why did you name it Jason? And she was like, Dad, today's Friday the 13. Oh my God, she went there

She's 11 She's 11 she's the 12 She's the most interesting child Just fucking bizarre You learn a lot from them No You don't learn anything No

Well you learned about the period stuff Yeah I don't learn Maybe I guess I learned stuff emotionally Do you cry when they do things That are just you know Warrant to cry Do they do things that like You know

They graduate They say sweet things They do That doesn't make you cry Those aren't the things That makes you cry Um, only time I've ever cried I've cried a few times

Like you know if they get hurt and you get scared If they don't get something they want you get Everything's twisting you're like fuck man Why didn't why can't they just get the thing they want Like I want them to not have any hiccups in their life I want them to have the life I didn't have Just smooth sailing the whole fucking ride And then um

Ila got put in the stupid class one time And she knew it That's not what it's called though right No but that's what I call it in all fairness she was she looked at the class list and all and none of her friends were in the class and at least she she's dyslexic so she couldn't tell so she goes over the line and it just looks like the weirdest group of kids and she breaks she goes can i talk to you for a second and walks me i told this my last special my second of last special and she pulls me over to the handball court

and goes she's like looking up and i'm like trying to figure out what she's looking at and she goes dad be honest am i in the stupid class and I realized she's holding the tears in her eyes and I fucking melted I was like probably I mean I just saw them the way you saw them that doesn't look like the smart class that was your response after you're crying and you're emotional

I go let's talk to mom and so then my wife comes over and my wife's like I'm about cried cries yeah my wife's heard my wife comes over and my wife's like what's going on guys and I'm like is she in a stupid class because we just saw them and they look and my wife's like

excuse me and I was like we're pretty concerned that she's in the stupid class we're both crying and my wife's like guys calm the fuck down she goes ila you're not in the stupid class and then gives her a speech walks her over it turns out three of her friends are in the class and i was like oh he of her stupid friends that's what leanne said oh no i go i thought she was in the stupid class she's always been in the stupid class i think we were all in the stupid class i was definitely in the stupid class you are rob wasn't rob was always a smart look at him Does he look together? Yeah, I'm trying to figure out what that tattoo is.

His tattoo. It's a radio head kid a tattoo. Tucker Hall wants to know if you, what kind of question it? Would you have fucked Will Smith if it came down to it? I thought he wanted to have sex with me when I first met him. Is that true? Well, let me. It's not true.

Yeah, it's 100% true. So my first deal was with Will Smith. I'm soft-sold that. I hard-sold that too much. I go to meet him and we're at the, some studio, there's two folding chairs in the middle of a dance room, and we sit down, and his people had liked my stand-up, and they thought we could do a TV show together. And so he was like, I talked to, I loved hip-hop.

I loved hip-hop. And so I started going off all my favorite hip-hop. The hip-hop is current, hip-hop in the past, all the legends, all the, like, who killed Tupac, he'll kill Biggie. Like, I'm going through everything. He's like, I like, I like you. I like, what are you doing tonight? I was like, nothing.

He was, let's go to a movie. I was like, okay. He's like, meet me in Planet Hollywood at like eight. I go, all right, so I get out. I call my dad. I had that Nokia. Wait a minute. Will wants to take you to Planet Hollywood.

Dude, you sound like my dad right now. I called my dad and I told him just what I told you. And my dad did exactly what you said. He goes, wait a minute. Will Smith wants to take you to Planet Hollywood on a date. And I was like, what? And he goes, oh, buddy. I'm sorry.

Legit words. This is 1998 maybe. He goes, I think he wants to. queer you and i go what he goes dad buddy it's very popular in hollywood these guys get so famous they have had sex with so many women that the only thing that turns them on is have sex of boys like really like like young hollywood startup boys that like 20 years old 25 years old and and turn them get that's the only thing that really like excites them it's called the casting couch and i'm like that that's impossible i go i just sat in a dance studio with this guy and he's like where i go oh fuck and he goes

let me ask you a question buddy what's more likely the fact that you're so talented that within doing stand-up in six months the biggest movie star in the world wants to make a sitcom about your life or or he wants you he's tired of pussy and he wants you and I was like oh god what do I do he was like you show up you fuck well you show up you show up eat shit and cash checks he was listen he was all I'm telling you is this is a possibility I just I could be wrong this is a possibility so I show up I show up

it's at Planet Hollywood and get there I says Will Smith here and they're like no celebrities don't go to Planet Hollywood and I don't I was like, I'm supposed to see a movie here with him. And they're like, we don't have a movie theater. And so now I'm thinking, oh, he was pranking me. Okay, or maybe I misunderstood it. Whatever. So I sit in the lobby and I'm like, I'm going to give it like 10 minutes.

I'll give it 30 minutes for all. And then I'll have dinner here and go home. And in like five minutes, this big, like six foot seven, 350 pound black dude named Charlie Mac sticks his head out the wind, like out of this door on the side and goes, you burnt? I go, yeah, and he goes downstairs. Now I'm thinking, oh, great. I'm having sex with this guy too. This is going to be a long fucking night.

I get downstairs and inside downstairs are like 10 black dudes and I'm going, oh my God, I'm going to have sex with all 10 of these guys plus Charlie Mac, plus Will Smith. I'm sure he's bringing Jazzy Jeff. And there's a folding table there and I'm like waiting just like going, holy shit. Like I'm not making eye contact with anybody. I'm not looking anyone. I'm just standing in this room. It's maybe the size of this room, but with red curtains all around the walls, red curtains around all the walls.

And so I'm just waiting. I'm not talking. I'm not looking at anyone. I'm this one 26 year old. white kid around all these grown black men and then all of a sudden you hear summer summer time almost i see jazzy jeff walked down the stairs no i swear to god i swear to god i swear to god i swear to my children jazzy jeff walks down will smith walks down and they're like they're like yo what's up and looks at me and he goes hey everyone this is bert and everyone looks at me and starts walking towards

me and i'm like all right here we go i should start sucking dicks first maybe and uh all of a sudden the curtains behind me open and there's a beautiful private screening room in the basement of Planet Hollywood, and we watched American Pie. And that was the night. And then the end of the night, he was like, he was like,

what did you think? You thought you were going to get fucked, right, Bert? No. He goes, what did you think? I said, it was good. And he goes, no, what did you think about the room?

I said, it's very nice? And he goes, no, the guys. And I'm like, I don't, I don't know, I don't follow. And he goes,

you said you were a hip-hop fan? Look around. That's Kumo D? No. There's Mourke. No. And I'm like, oh, fuck. No.

He called all these, like, they're all his friends. So he wanted to watch movies with his friends. But he called them up because he was like, yo, I've got this. Cool Mo Di, I go to work just like a track star. Yeah, Cool Moe is there. I ran through the backyard. Mo's his real name. His real name's Mo.

And I ran into him, like, I ran into Cool MoD probably a year later. And he came up to me. He was like, what's up, Bert? And I was like, Mo? And everyone's like, how do you know Cool Mo D? I was like, we watched a movie together Biz Marquis Bis Marquis was there

Everyone, the only ones I really remember Would you say he was a friend? I would say he's just a friend Terrible. Bismarkey was I was The two guys I remember the most were Bismarkey and Coomodee I literally only because

He was doing Wild Wild West at the time And so he was using that song And so yeah That was Did you wrestle a bear? I wrestled a bear Was that scary?

The wrestling No one It is. You're going to get killed? In hindsight, it is. Once you watch a few bear attacks with, like, a news anchor. Rip your back open. Yeah, those are scary as fuck.

But at the time, I was such an idiot. I just wanted to be famous. I literally didn't know that you, I didn't think that you needed a talent, per se. I just thought you can get put in a sitcom, you could get famous. You could just, then you could just, like, get a TV show. Get it, like, get a, I wanted an escalade. Like, I wanted all the things that you'd see in Cribs, you know? I want a house in the hills.

I wanted to be, like, I wanted everything you saw in Cribs. and then and so yeah I just Did they ever ask you to Florida State like to come back and give a speech? No, they asked me to donate money though one time But they won't want you to come back and give like a No What do they call that?

Speech to graduates Oh, they'll never do that I'll never get the Never, too embarrassing for them Do you ever go back? I haven't been back since Would you go back and perform? Maybe.

It would have to be a dickload of money That place left a weird taste in my mouth Because when I left They had my fraternity had a guess tried to kick me out of my fraternity everyone wanted to disassociate themselves with me the school the school failed me uh i had to take prison class systems in tall i in new york as a young comic i had to take the correspondence classes which were kin to the prison systems classes i just got to send a box of books and a bunch of tests and they're like go ahead send them back

and so i had to read the fucking textbooks i had to read textbooks and take tests the president disassociated himself with me they did they were horrible they were absolutely horrible to me so that last month two months of my life was like i was like i'm ready to get the fuck out of here you kill kill him with success yeah i guess so now what is it so how much your tickets to a burke crisis show on tour 35 dollars how many people usually are at these concerts these uh venues um so 400 probably probably uh 16 no 2 000 people a weekend 2 500 people a weekend 2 500 people a weekend um for weekends meeting greets every show are you exhausted out of your ass yeah oh oh yeah like you just want to collapse oh my god you have no fucking idea by about halfway through the meet and greet line

i start like we usually get like 180 people a meet and greet line about halfway through you're just en route and what will happen is inevitably someone who actually knows you will walk up or someone who has come to your show or someone who wants to give them extra attention and they're just like they're like do you even know who I am and you're like I'm so sorry man I'm in the middle of this I'm not I'm not here right now I'm kind of just fucking Getting through it I'm listening to people

I want to listen to people I want to meet people Because I know that as a fan I want to meet people But like I'm not I cannot hear I can't I'm not emotionally available

For like Do you remember the time Yeah Like so And no matter what You're still giving that energy off I'm like it's like I go

I want to do a meet and greed I want it I'm here for these people I got to go Yeah for these people Do you love stand up I love it Do you get a rush every time

uh no do you get nervous before you go on not at all uh not zero zero if i'm doing zero if i'm doing a weekend or if i'm like you only get nervous when you're doing your special because you like you want to do it right you want to get all the laughs you want to get the timing do you ever do a takeover let me go back and tell that joke again i did and was so funny i did like two bits in my last my special secret time that's streaming on netflix right now i did two bits where i watch this shit where i was like all right i had this joke where i'm going to say i was high as And so I go, I know I have the intro, so I'm going to say I was high as dot, dot, dot, dot. And I'm going to do three different options, and I'll pick the option that works the best in the room, and I'll put it in the special.

It was, I'm higher then. And I said, I'm higher than Senator's socks, and it doesn't get a laugh. And so I'm like, fuck. And I say this in the show, I go, God damn it. I go out, because I know that I can, none of this matters in this stand up. You can totally break the fourth wall and stand up and talk about what you're doing. You can't do it on Netflix special. Well, yeah, and then so, and you're like, I'll just edit it out.

But in a room, I've done stand up so much. I go, they know me, they're fans. So I'm like, I'm like, God damn it. I work that joke like 19 different ways. And I thought that was the one. I go, I even came up with, and now I know that if I say it, that I can plug that in. So I go, I came up with them, I'm higher than a woodpecker's dick and a redwood. And it gets a laugh, but not the laugh I want.

I went, I'm higher than astronaut pussy. That's progressive, right? Like knowing that I can plug these in. And still nothing. I go, you know what? And then now I'm just, now I've given up on these, one of these three are going to work. And I tell them, you know, I even got, and I say this in the moment, but I go, I even, because it was funny to me, but it didn't, it didn't make sense.

I didn't think anyone will find it funny. Um, I go, I even got really high and tried to write it from that perspective. And, and it's true, all I could come up with was, I'm higher than a whale, because I thought there's got to be times where a whale's at the top of the ocean going, I am high as fuck right now. And I, when I thought that I couldn't stop laughing. And it made me giggle so hard. And then I watched the take. And it was funnier, leaving all of that dialogue in and not making it and not, uh, changing

it at all. Just keep all the mistakes. Just keep it all in because it was like, it was like, it was like made it real. And then there was one point where I was like, Isla is yelling the C word like she. I forget, I forget the, I forget the line, but I threw in an option, another option line. And it was only because like I'm, I, at the time, I was. going through a legit obsession with Chelsea Handler because I followed her on Instagram and she was using Insta stories a lot at the time and she was skiing nonstop she was on like she was on a no

joke a three month ski vacation where she went to different ski locations and just skied with different dudes and smoked weed and I was like I was all and her dog's name's bert so she would always go bert Bert Bert get in bed with me and it was like a weird connection I was having with her and so and everyone always says she's difficult to work with So I said, I was yelling the Seward, like, she just got done working with Chelsea Handler. And I just left it in. And I, and then I was like, I should have left it in. Because I like her and I would hate for her to see that and be like, fuck that guy.

And then try to, but whatever, I don't give a fuck. What are you going to do? All right. Well, dude, you know, I feel like you're one of the, one of the fuckers that I feel like I could talk to for hours. Like, can I tell you, I can't believe I'm, I just had a moment of clarity where I was like, I can't believe I'm sitting with you. Like if you told me when I moved to Hollywood That I would be sitting with you in a room I'd be like

I made it What? Oh hardcore I was obsessed with Smallville Really? Yeah obsessed with it because it was I told you this It was the first time I knew I'd ever seen a prequel story Is that what it's called?

Yeah it's a story before the story Yeah yeah like a prequel story I'd never heard of that concept Like I like dude I was a I was a meathead in college Like I didn't watch TV I didn't watch like I discovered friends out of when I lived in New York and was doing stand-up. This was the first time I ever saw Friends episode.

I first time I ever saw Seinfeld was there. I found news radio at that time. And, like, television, I just didn't watch it in college, didn't watch it growing up. And it blew up. And then when I came out to L.A., Smallville had just started. And I was like, hold the fuck. When did Smallville start? 2001?

2001. I was like, hold the fucking phones. This is them as in high school? Shut up. I lost my shit. I lost my shit and I was losing my hair and I thought you were really bald

and I was like fuck yeah I loved your kid I loved it I loved it so much that like I got angry I got angry when I watched Spider-Man and James Franco

played what's his name's son because I go nah bro nah bro we've no sorry I like I just there was so much because they're the relationship with you and your dad

and I was like John Glover but it was I'm not even joking if you told me when I moved out here that I would be sitting in a room with you in your house

I would have told you I have made it in this business I would have been like how the fuck does that even happen am I a movie star Well I don't even know what to say Because that's that's very it's flattering and it's just like You know it's not like I hear it all the time But it's nice to

Someone you respect someone you think you like Someone thinks he's a good guy I just did your cooking show what's it called Something's burning I did with Harlan Williams We were your guest we cooked some stuff We talked shit and like You know I met you and I didn't know you and you asked me to do the show

yeah and I at the end I was just like I love this guy I saw you on theo's podcast and then I and then I got like obsessed and I was like I was like guys that's not who I was obsessed with your hair I think that's what people think is they sometimes in the past like I'm this dark weird guy yeah and the not so dark and then I was like

wait he was in he was in sorority boys like he would wait hold on wait what the fuck and I was like shut up and then I like I started going like wait I've seen him in a bunch of shit and then I saw and then I watched that whole episode with that goddamn fucking kid whose brother was in

something in Alley Zach and Alley What's the Disney what's the I watched the podcast with the brother That plays in the band Oh, Riker and Rocks I watched that whole podcast And it was such an interesting podcast

And I'm like look I'm not even joking I'm not talking negative But it maybe has like 2,000 views In that channel Yeah and I'm sitting there I'm going like I'm laying in bed watching the whole fucking interview going I can't believe no one's watched this this is a great interview it's a dude such a great interview almost hit the kid up and was like hey man can I get on your

podcast it was like it was like fucking phenomenal and he's got a huge following that they you know they were to ban R5 and they played at the Greek and sold out and uh yeah those guys are great and I mean I could be wrong about the numbers on what the views were but it wasn't what I thought it should oh yeah but dude what I appreciate that but look when I met you I felt the same way we were blowing each other but I think it's good because in this business you meet when you meet good people you're like I want to hang on with that guy yeah he's busy as fuck he's got so much going on but he's like one of the good guys you are who you are you're not now from this interview i just feel like you are exactly who you're portraying there's no you

say what you want to say you know i mean there may be some secrets that you have that you hold dear no but i'm why i call my special secret time i don't fucking keep i just told everyone i got the clapping college like i just i have nothing dude i when i it's like the only thing i have are the stories that i tell and i sometimes you think they're funny sometimes you they're you think they're not funny and they're really funny like i said to rogan the other day i bought a gun because i wanted to write a bit about guns and he was like huh who goes out and buys a firearm so that they can write a bit about it and i was like this guy i was like that's who i am christers coming on tour if you've enjoyed this interview you're going to enjoy him because what

you see is what you get folks he's all over that's a world tour 60 cities look go online look on him at what on twitter burr burt burrburt burrburtt com follow me on instagram is my strong suit i've gotten like 120,000 followers in the last month. Dude. I'm loving Instagram. Yeah, well, hey, man. Listen to him, follow him. He's a genius.

I hope we remain friends, buddies. Please, you have my number. Let's always keep in touch. Next time we get a big bouncy house out front, a big, big slide, I will definitely invite you. Thank you, Bert Kreischer, for allowing me to be inside of you today. I like you inside of me. Awesome.

Hi, I'm Joe Sal C. Hi, host of the stacking Benjamin's podcast. Today, we're going to talk about what if you came across $50,000. What would you do? Put it into a tax-advantaged retirement account. The mortgage. That's what we do. Make a down payment on a home. Something nice. Buying a vehicle. A separate bucket for this edition that we're adding. $50,000. I'll buy a new podcast partner. You'll buy new friends. and we're done. Thanks for playing, everybody. We're out of here. Stacky Benjamin's, follow and listen on your favorite platform.