Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum - Ep 19: Dax Shepard

Episode Date: August 14, 2018

Dax Shepard (CHiPs, Parenthood, Hit and Run, Idiocracy, Armchair Expert) opens up about his rough past - the domestic violence he had to deal with as a kid, his run-in with gang members in his neighborhood, and how he used to try and fill a void in his life by sleeping with lots and lots of really attractive women. Dax talks me through his journey to getting clean...quitting drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and meeting a special lady, getting married, and having kids. He tells me the secrets of maintaining his relationship with Kristen and how he’s learned patience with his family over the years. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum. Rob Hollis is here. Hi, Rob. Hi, Michael. Who do we got this week? We have a good buddy of mine. I call him Dan. I call him Dad.

His name's Dak Shepherd. He's married to the lovely Kristen Bell. He has done a lot of work in his life. He was the guy from Punk. He was on Parenthood. He directed the movie Chips. He directed me and hit and run. I was cut out of chips.

He's got a really good podcast called Armchair Expert also. Oh, yeah, you work on that. Why do you work on that, by the way? Uh, I don't know. How did that happen? I don't know. I don't remember how that came to be. I don't remember how that came to be.

Yeah, it was very easy. What happened was, Dax came on my podcast and then he said, uh, there's no way Michael is doing any of this. No, he goes, this is really, I really goes, I really love your podcast. And, uh, damn, he goes, he told me this the other day. He's like, you're the reason that he wanted to have a podcast. So he did a podcast. And then he called me after and goes, hey, can I use your guy Rob who produces with you? He's really good.

And I go, fuck yeah, use him. And because Rob's great. Now he's taking all your time and I barely see you. Yeah. That's usually what happens. And then you'll blow up. You'll become big. You'll forget about me and I'll have to hire like.

Well, and then I'll hire you to be on my pocket. Oh, that's good. As long as you'll hire me. Yeah, I'll hire you. That's great. Dax and I have been friends for a long time. We've been through a lot together. We tell those stories.

I think drugs are involved. We talk about his relationship with Kristen, being a lady's man and, you know, and sort of changing his ways and stopping drinking and stopping drugs and so many fun things that you're going I think this is a really great episode and it's like that guy that he beats the show oh yeah this guy threw a milkshake or something at his car and Kristen watched him do a drop kick to this guy's head well no this is the the guy that tried to mug him yeah that's I saw his photo today he tried to get mugged he showed you it yeah the guy's in a photo album yeah and dax his hand was broken and the guy's face was a little mangled he was covered in blood yeah this is a

You're going to like this podcast. It's quite fun. This episode of Inside of You is brought to you by the H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. Poundt Company's products. They've been written about it naturally. You don't get high at all. So you don't have to worry about that. Because I know there's a lot of products out there, like, you know, CBD-based and all this. Look, you take the H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. Company's products. They've been written about in magazines. You feel better. I use this bomb. and a Rosenbaum.

Yeah, dude, I put it on my, because I got neck-ish, I got a hernation in my neck. I've had back surgeries and I just feel better, you are always complaining about being in pain and ever since you started using this, it seems like you get you bitch a little less.

It's what I've been looking for, bra. Yep. I could take H-Hemp CBD and still function. I can go to H-Hemp.com and I can try it, which you can also do. And if you use Rosie 20, you have 20% off. Rosie 20. Dax Shepherd, folks.

It's my point of view. You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum. Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum was not recorded in front of a live studio audience. You know, my favorite thing in the world to do is radio. I love it. I'm starting to think that, too. I'm starting to think maybe I should, uh, I have a face for radio, so maybe I should do this.

Yeah. But it's nice. It's intimate. It's like... There's something about putting headphones on and then talking into the microphone, right? It's sexy. That, to me, it blocks out some of my other senses. I don't know what it is, but I feel like it's like an altered state.

Do you feel hyper-focused? Yeah, hyper-focused. I'm not distracted. Because I'm easily distracted. Oh, you know, worse. Not the alarm system, but the... ADT? Yeah.

I'm going to prop this mic up just a little more. What a treat it is for me to have you here. It's so nice to be in this living room. You've been here. Again, yeah. Years ago. You're one of the few friends I have in show business that I partied with. I've been sober for almost 13 years.

Wow, you just want to get right into that. So I don't have a ton of friends that I've snorted white with, you know? You know, I didn't know if I was going to get into that with you. Why wouldn't you? Well, I was like, well, you know. The only shot in hell you have got at doing these. things is to be dead honest right inside of you with michael rosenbaum i'm here with dax randall shepherd did you learn my middle name for this i did yeah did you what did you think when you read it i couldn't

believe it yeah it doesn't seem randall yeah doesn't but i thought a dazing and fuse randall pink floyd you're in need of some serious attitude adjustment young man one of the characters was named randall randall so i was named i got that name from my uncle randy uncle randy uncle randie uncle He was not my uncle Randall. And I was always told as a kid, like your name, you know, your middle names after your Uncle Randy, which was great with me. And then it wasn't until I saw some kind of document that had the long-form version of Randy, Randall on it. And then I didn't like it at all. Like Randall's kind of a shit name as opposed to Randy.

Uncle Randy sounds like an abusive uncle. No, no. He wasn't. He was a good guy. He took us to drive in movies and beat the shit out of us. Did he? No, no. He was so well.

loving and wonderful. You is my dad's brother, and he was a good time, Charlie. He worked at Wonderbred Bakery in the union with primarily black dudes. And so all of his musical tastes were black. Like, he was on the real low down. Like, remember that song, like, if you're going to ride, ride the white pony. Yes. He had that on vinyl.

I think it's horse. Is it ride the white horse? Ride the white horse. and the pony would be a smaller version of a horse. Sure. But whatever that song is, he also played Erotic City by Prince a lot. You know, I'm so pretty you and me. Now, that wasn't on the radio.

That was a B-side of a Prince single. And we would go in the basement, and he'd play this deep, deep groove. Cut, yeah. Yeah. And he would dance, and it was all very foreign to me, but I think it stuck. How old was he when he was dancing and how old were you at this time? Well, what's funny now, if I think about it. Creepy.

No, in my head, he was like a 50-year-old man, but I now realize he was probably like 29 or something. And you were. Like, don't you get that a lot now that we're old where you're like, looking back in your head at your teachers and shit? And you go, oh, God, I was, I'm 12, currently 12 years older than my science teacher was. Yeah. It's a real bummer, isn't it? I'm twice as old as Mrs. Barr. Yeah, isn't that?

Yeah. It's so freaky when you start thinking about. She was so hot, Mrs. Barr. Was she? Hot science teacher. Mrs. Roseanne Barr? Mrs. Roseanne Barr. But I remember I had a.

boner in class once oh you did yeah at what age and oh I was probably 16 15 those when boners came abundance yeah yeah yeah you know I don't bone up as much as I used to no who does you don't bone up as much not really no I'm on a over-the-counter testosterone supplement from GNC are you yeah and uh one of the upsides I don't know if it's having any impact on my physique or anything but I am occasionally getting nocturnal boners which is lovely because that that's taking me back to my 20s where I'll actually get woken up because I have a boner and it's uncomfortable. You know, I'm lying on my side or something. Let me paint a picture for you.

Do you tap on Kristen's shoulder? No, I know much better than to do that. We don't do that at midnight's too, the kids. Likewise, I would be furious if someone woke me up for coitus. Sleep is so so elusive to me. You know, we never talked about this, but your childhood, man, growing up, you grew up in Michigan, right? Mm-hmm. But I knew that.

We're brethren, because you're from Indiana, right. Indianapolis, greater metro area. Yes. How far are you from Evansville? I'm Southern Indiana. So you're probably a good six hour, eight hours. Yes, I think I told you this. I detasseled corn as a kid in the summertime in White Pigeon, Indiana, which was right

on the border of Southern Michigan. How much were you getting an hour, Dax? I want to say, it was respectable. This was 1987. And I think I was getting. $5 an hour $4 or $5 an hour. I mean, it was gruesome work, but you worked

like 12 to 14 hours a day which they only let kids do in agriculture. Like you couldn't work at Safeway grocery store 12 hours Wesselman's grocery, yeah. Yeah, at 12 years old they wouldn't allow that. But agriculture, there's all these loopholes. So anyways, you work six days a week, 12

to 14 hours a day. I do remember coming home from the summer and I had like over $1,000 to my name and I bought Mike Tyson's Punch out. Oh, yeah. A Super Nintendo. Did you ever beat Tyson's Punchout? No, no. I got to him, but I don't believe I ever beat him. I was never very good at video game. I had my way with bald bull. Yeah, who was the heavy set gentleman? I think that was bald bull. He kind of went to the left and Pist and Hurricane one. No, the big fat white guy and you punch him in his pants would fall down.

Hippo Joe or something. Hippo, hippo, hippo. Hungry, Hungry, Hippo Joe. Yeah, that was it. I think that was it. But I bought that video game, the council, the game council nintendo console console the whole council that i bought the whole council of nintendo and and i bought uh wall brand clippers you know hair clippers and uh and then i started giving haircuts and then well hang on a second you gave haircuts i gave it you know i'm a very good hairstyle no you don't know that about no i snorted coke with you but i don't know about that we've been friends for 14 years yes you you need to do a podcast together to learn the real stuff that's exactly what i talk about this is true yeah it's weird so yeah i started cutting hair when i was 12 i got very big trouble

in eighth grade because i'd given several kids mohawks per their request i didn't just do it you know they they wanted these mohawks and i gave them to them and it was right before pitchers at the start eighth grade and all these moms called the school and they're furious and then the principal had to call my mom and say you know you have to take away these clippers and then my mom said to me i'm going to act like i took away these clippers but you can't give any more haircuts of that style And then I kept cutting hair In the 10 years that I lived in L.A. And it was unemployed as an actor

I cut all my friend's hair Come on. You never offered to cut my hair. That's why I didn't know about this. I could do the haircut. You have no problem in my sleep. I cut Kristen's hair. I would have saved thousands of dollars

on this haircut that you call a clip of... Yeah. And I never even charged my buddies. It was like you owed me a pizza or a 12 pack of beer. You're that good? You cut Kristen's? I'm really good.

I cut my own hair. If I'm not on set, I cut my own hair That's incredible I didn't know it does nothing Because the people that are listening I could I could look like Bozo the clown So it's not really a testament I think you're a really good looking guy

I mean in fact I just got a text message Because I said I was gonna I Instagram that you were coming over the house And Cheyone or Cheyone says Dude that dude cracks me up watch chips He's buffer than hell Damn you got a great body dude Your body wasn't always this

No no It was good And currently it's not what Chian is talking about shy own shy one i'm so flattered she noticed i had you know because you you put in a lot of work for these types of things and then no one gives a shit your wife doesn't care your wife doesn't care about the body yeah she could care less really she doesn't like i mean that that ultimately that's

positive because i could pack on the pounds and she really wouldn't care like let's say this so in chips i was 185 i'm currently 200 i have a gut right now but i'm also kind of big upstairs right now and and the other night downstairs too i've seen that right right Right, right. We've done that. We can talk about it. And my wife said, oh, I like you kind of heavy. You look a little powerful. And I was like, oh, that's great.

I mean, to me, I just look like a pig. No. But she thinks I look powerful. That's great. Is that real love? I think so. I think it is. Well, I think it's just specific to who she is because I've certainly had girlfriends

who did care very much about what their boyfriend's physique look like. And then there's something that don't care. So you're cutting hair in high school. Now, were you a tough guy? I would say so You were Yeah Always

This is always a hard Conversation I don't want to act like I think I'm some badass No but I have I did I fist fought a bunch You fist fought

Uh huh growing up Did I say that incorrectly No I think that's the right Fist Fought Grammar police over there No no I know I engaged in fist the cuffs a bunch Yeah as a kid

And as a And as an adult You know As you know I had a A drinking problem Yes Ego problem Well you're talking

talking to one certainly an ego issue sure you douse a swollen ego a bunch of booze and things are going to go wrong yeah i you know i remember i went to your house you had an apartment you were dating someone else you were yeah this was years ago you were dating bris you had an open relationship um which i find fascinated because i've never met anyone where it works it actually worked with you for years uh nine years right and uh she was she was fantastic but i remember i went down to your place and i actually was the first time i go i'm a little worried to be around you no no no I was I was nervous to be around you because I felt like I felt like you were unpredictable plus you were doing drugs and I you know I was like I was you know I guess I was doing a little bit of that but I felt like unpredictable in the sense that you really to me you didn't like normally if someone said something to me I'd be like whatever I wouldn't you respond to people you don't like when people's you know if you feel you're being condescended to or if someone says something you kind of you don't let it go like I do but I went to your apartment in that it was a nice little apartment I think you had a couple of it wasn't very nice I didn't I was there for 10 years.

No, I was rent-controlled, and by the time you met me, I think I had done, like, a few movies and sold a few scripts, and I still lived in this dump. Okay, well, I didn't move out there. You were just doing punked, and you hadn't really had the first movie, because I remember the first movie when you got without a paddle. You called me to celebrate it. Well, no, I was on my way to your house when I got the call from my agent. And the first thing he said, I was like, do you know how much I'm making? I know. $70,000.

I fucking made it, dog. Oh, yeah. You were so. I was so happy for you. Well, yeah, I had spent 10 years making like $6,000 a year. And then I did Punk, which it took a year to shoot and I made $18,000 before taxes. Were you ever upset with Ashton, even though he sort of got your start there? No.

Were you like, you know, I would have paid to be on TV at that point. And then because of Punk, I got to be in that movie without a panel. And then, yeah, and then with all of a sudden, I'm going to make like a couple hundred thousand dollars. I mean, my head, I couldn't believe it. Like, it would have been more polite to not come in and tell you exactly what I was making, but I was so excited about that. You could do that with your friends. Yes, yes. You don't tweet how much you're making.

It is weird between actors. It can be dicey to talk about. Not with me. I think I talk to you about your salaries, my salaries. Yes. Because, look, a lot of times my, our thought is it's a, I think it comes from a humble place where it's like, hey, we got a job now. But remember, that money is for now. And once I'm unemployed, like, I haven't worked in, like, eight months.

In fact, I don't work unless you have a movie you're making. Are you not doing an employee? foster again? It got canceled. It got canceled? You can't find that on Wikipedia. No, it was fine. It was a great two seasons.

I had a great time doing it. I had a bit on Guardians of the Galaxy. They CGIed my face. I went and saw Guardians of the Galaxy. You don't recognize me. But I was a lot. But I was like I was in... You know, when you're a kid and you go to like a block party and they've dumped

change in a big thing of sawdust. Yeah. And you're like looking for a quarter. So I couldn't relax that whole movie because I was on such high alert looking for you. Were you really? Yeah, because I knew you were in it. And I was like really excited to see you.

And I almost, I missed 90% of the movie because whenever the league characters are talking, I'm just, I'm fucking scanning the background. Like, where's Rosenbaum? I was looking for you and Steve Agee the whole time. Oh, yeah, Aegee, you could see. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a giant man. He's helped by the fact that he's six, seven. Yes, that is.

But James said, hey, we're going to, you know, CGI your face. And I said, you know, I started to get a complex. But he said, look, you're going to be with sly for three scenes. it could branch into something else. You're the old guardian. You might be in Rocky 7. I might be in Rocky 7. I was really excited.

Look, back to you. I want to go back to the apartment. I want to go back to the apartment, the shitty apartment. I don't really remember you being at that apartment. I'd love to hear. I did because I remember this. I remember going in there.

It was a shit hole, everybody. Let's just say that. It was a shit hole. I mean, it was just shit scattered. You already lived in this house. I already lived in my house here. Yes, I was doing a small house. And your dad was a big fan.

God bless your dad may rest of peace. He was a smallville fan. Yes. And that really made my, I remember when you said, hey, my dad, that made my day. Thank you. Well, and not only was he a smallville fan, he specifically was a Lex Luthor fan. It was you. Do you think that's why we became friends because your dad liked me?

No. I don't think that, yeah. Thank God. I don't think that's it. A really poor excuse. We became friends because I was very flattered. We were out at like some kind of weird event. I don't know, like at a bar and you came up to me and you had seen me on punked.

And I was like so flattered that a dude that I recognized. from TV knew who I was. And then we became fast friends. Yeah, I thought you were fantastic on the show. I mean, you really sold it. I want to get into that, too. Back to the apartment. Here's why I remember it.

There was a gang in the neighborhood. Yeah, the Santa Monica Trace. I don't know if you should have. Maybe we'll bleep that out later. I think they've disbanded. They've all grown up, I think. Are you keeping track of them? Well, no, when I'm in, occasionally when I'm in Santa Monica, I drive down that alley to

see if they're still there. And for years, I haven't seen them out there. And in fact, the last time I said, saw a couple of the gang members. It was when I rented a U-Haul truck to move away from Santa Monica 12 years ago. And two of the dudes worked at U-Haul, and they were like in managerial positions. And I was like, oh, good. They seem to have found a road out of this. Thank God. But I remember they said something to you. Something happened. This is when I first said, oh, boy. Because I was in this apartment when you were telling me this story. And this

gang member, they tried to mug you. Yes. And most people, I'm going to give you an example of what happened if a gang came up to me and said give me your money here right immediately here take my clothes i'll walk off naked so you know i'm not lying to you i want to live yes but you don't do that you said something well now i would now you have children and things but you i think your your approach was dude i'm going to tell you right now i'm going to beat you senseless well my specific line was you got the wrong white boy that's exactly right i remember that yeah and i understood why they felt the way they did but I had you know I lived in downtown Detroit for a while and and I'd met a lot of folks in California they're much different than the folks I grew up with which is great I hope my kids are

like kids in California like they don't fight every Friday night at the movies they you know way more peaceful and loving and one of my best friends here in L.A you know him well Jess he was the fucking homecoming king of his high school and he was openly gay like that could that would have never happened in the town I grew up right me neither so anyways I honestly felt like it was an honest appraisal of I was letting this guy know like hey I didn't go to Santa Monica high school this is going to be a different experience for you yeah it's like someone going up to Michael Jordan saying hey let's play some basketball like dude yeah yeah you're messing with the wrong well yeah that wouldn't hold up it doesn't

really work maybe like a Bruce Lee Bruce plug into this yeah yeah yeah let's change the Jordan it's Bruce Lee now when it's so this guy circa 68 this guy comes up to you yeah but but a couple of contextual things that irrelevant a it's three in the morning on sunday night a breeze out of town working in detroit with my family i am annihilated i am super drunk and i had walked the whole reason i'm out on the streets is i walked to the chevron gas station to buy some cigarettes and i'm walking back and that happens that i can i can like feel someone following me i turn around and it's this dude who i recognize from the gang because i see them all the time and he's like well so do you want

you give me some money and i'm like oh i don't know I don't I don't have any money he's like then give me them fucking cigarettes you just bought and then it escalated from there he pulled up his shirt and put his hand in his waistband like he was getting a gun and I then punched him and then this led to me being on top of him in Santa Monica Boulevard and it got really really bad you saw the photos well that's what right because at first it was like man this is a great story he's exaggerating yeah yeah it's a hyperbole And then I saw the picture of you First I saw a picture of the guy

And his face looked like You know, like he was my character And guardian, CGIed And then I just see a picture of you And you have this scowl on your face And this, your hand was swollen You had broken your hand by hitting him so hard And that's when I go

Oh man, let's get out of this fucking apartment Let's go to my house, the nice house in Laurel Canyon Get the fuck out of here, dude Well, so yeah, the abridged version know that story is all that happens he keeps following me he follows me to my apartment i i hit him again then i think i've gotten away and then as i'm going up my stairwell i look behind me and i see that he sees what stairwell i've gone up i go inside i call my girlfriend in detroit i'm telling her like oh my god one of those dudes tried to mug me i'm like covered in blah blah blah and as i'm saying

that a cinder block comes through the window of the bedroom and i hear all these footsteps running towards my apartment and he is gone to his gang and they are now coming to the apartment and I quickly deadbolt the door grab my shotgun hang up on my girlfriend call 911 911 and when 911 says 911 let me give you an example I want to be

911 right okay yeah 911 emergency don't fucking come in this apartment I'll fucking kill whoever fucking comes in this okay sir you don't come in get a shot you have a shotgun here sir and they're banging on the door they're kicking the door and I'm screaming don't come in I'll fucking kill you don't come in and the 911 operator is

saying all kinds of shit. Luckily, she just gets police coming immediately. And this goes on what was probably 30 seconds in real life, but of course felt like five minutes of them

kicking the door, and he's screaming, I'll shoot. And then you hear police sirens, thank God, Santa Monica three in the morning on a Sunday. There's cops everywhere, and they're there in a minute. And then all the dudes run out of the stairwell

and they scatter and the cops grab everyone. And then I then have like a little moment of sobriety where I kind of start putting together what the scenario looks like, which is there's about 80 beer cans by my lazy boy. I'm holding a shotgun. I'm covered in blood. And I'm like, this looks really bad. So now I start quickly throwing all these beer cans under the sink.

I put the shotgun away right then, knock at the door, the police come in. They're like, you jump that guy downstairs? And I'm like, no, I did not jump that guy. And I tell them what happens. But while this is going on, they're running that guy's ID. He had already been arrested twice for mugging people, so my version of the story got very credible really quickly. And then we went downstairs. They took all these photos of us, which I then showed you.

They arrest the dude. The next morning I wake up, I'm hung over, my hands broken, so bad. And the police call me. And this detective is telling me, so I just got done interviewing your guy. It was his birthday, by the way. It was a guy's birthday. Yeah, it was a guy's birthday. So he was partying on his birthday.

He was also a friend of his birthday. Yeah, so he wanted to celebrate my mugging and someone. And I said, okay, he goes, look, you know, he's a member of this gang. You really need to leave that apartment. And I go, that's not an option. Like, I don't have any money for a down payment. Like, we live month to month. There's no way.

That's not an option. And he goes, well, you got to find a way to get out of that apartment. And I go, I'm telling you right now, we. can't leave this apartment. I go in and my girlfriend comes home every night at three in the morning when she gets off work being a waitress and she drives through this alley with the gang in it. I'm like, I don't know what to do. And he goes, listen, I would not normally advise this, but you need to talk to whoever

the leader of that gang is and say, I will drop charges against him, but I can press charges for the next seven years. So if you leave us alone, I won't press charges. And I was like, okay, I'll do that. I still haven't been to the doctor even yet to get, I ended up in a cast. Luckily, I was going to UCLA at the time, and I had free medical for that period, and I got a cast at it on campus. First of all, you're the worst, I mean, you're worse than the Poltergeist family.

I mean, get out, dude. When I said that we couldn't, like, we didn't have any money. I got it. I bet we had, like, a grand in the bank. So you went up to the gang. So I went to junior, the leader of the gang. That's its own story. I had a shotgun in the car.

Somehow you got the junior. Well, all I did is got my car and pulled out. a lot of my parking spot and they were all in the alley and I was on my window. No shit. Guys. There you are. I think you guys were over last night.

Getting my door. Happy belated. Yeah. And I basically said like, hey, I'll drop charges against your boy if you agree not to fuck with me or my girlfriend. And then Junior said, okay. And then I said, okay, so we're cool. And he just stared at me.

It was like a moment in the movie. I go, so we're cool. And he just looked at me. And I was like, he's not going to give me that much. that I just have to drive away now and then I just drove away and then to their credit they never did anything to me

I would see them all the time I think weirdly they respected me yeah wow yeah that was not my last interaction with that guy though I had another interaction with the same guy two years later

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you don't wait download the rocket money app today and tell them you heard about them from my show inside of you with michael rosenbaum rocket money i had quit smoking that morning and so i just barely made it through the day i was so irritable right and angry and um brine i go to bed and i am wearing uh i'm shirtless and i have heart pajamas on that my mom got me for valentine they're beautiful red with white hearts all over them and also it should be said i became really good friends with the people that live below us which was like five kids between the ages of five in in 17 all living in one house in a one-bedroom apartment and we were they were lovely so i knew them really well laying in bed i'm like oh i

just barely made it through this day tomorrow will be easier as i'm thinking this i hear like blood-curdling screaming and breeze like what is that i jump out of bed i run out of the apartment, I run down the stairwell, I turn the corner, it's the girls who live downstairs are screaming at the top of their lungs because in a car, in the driveway, the driver's holding his nose, bleeding, and then the passengers being pulled out of the window by the dude who tried to mug me. I do know the story. Good God. And I'm about 60 feet from them. I yell, hey, and he looks up. He's holding the guy. And I go,

I'm going to fucking teach you a lesson. Like, I can't wait. Because again, I quit smoking. And this is the perfect outlet for me. How long ago after? Like two years. Two years. Yeah.

I go, I'm going to fucking teach you a lesson. He lets go of the guy. He starts running down Euclid Street. And I start chasing him barefoot shirtless in my. My heart. The cops have already been called before I even went downstairs, right? So as I get to Broadway, he's turned left on Broadway

and then now I'm by the way he's running faster he's got shoes on and I'm barefoot and I've already beat him up once yeah but also I have very weak souls of my feet like I'm not one of these people I can walk barefoot around a campsite it's very sensitive so I'm not I'm probably only running about 70%

as fast as I can run not even relevant to the story the point is by the time I turn the corner onto Broadway there's a cop car coming at me they fly up under the curb they jump out They're yelling at me to get down, but I'm screaming, no, the guy's that way. And then they pull their guns.

And I'm like, oh, I got to lay down right now. I lay down right now. They come over. They pick me up. They put the hands behind my back. And I'm going, okay, I know what this looks like, but I just got to tell you, the guy you're after, he's running that way. And then, like, the other guy's kind of clearing, like, getting a description of what the assailant is. And it's not a 6-3 white dude in heart-shaped pajamas.

And so I start describing what he looks like. And then as I'm describing me what he looks like, it occurs to me, I'm going to God, I have photos of him in my apartment. And I say to them, oh, I have pictures of them. And they go, okay, why do you have pictures of them? Are you guys friends? And I go, no, no, he tried to mug me a couple years ago. I got the pictures from the police.

So they come over to the apartment. I go inside, I get the pictures that you've seen, and I hand them to the cops, and they turn them over to look, and they start laughing so hard. I've never seen two cops laugh this hard. I just don't think under any circumstance what they were expecting was like, the photos ahead of him or he had been hit by a bus. I mean, you can barely recognize and whatever. They left with the photos for like a half

hour and then they brought him back and they never caught the dude. But nothing actually weird happened while you were over, right? You were just learning the history of that place. Well, I wanted to get away. Yeah, of course. Yeah, that's natural. Hey, let's go hit the sky bar. Let's go have a drink somewhere. I don't feel comfortable. Yeah. So, so you... I do

want to just, I feel obligated to say, I don't condone any of that behavior. Yeah, it's not like you tried to get mug. It's not like you tried the But even more than that, my reaction was not right. That could have gone another way. Like, he could have actually had a gun. I could be dead over that.

There's all kinds that the gang could have got in the apartment. I just, I feel obligated to say, I as a kid, was around a lot of violence, both domestically and just around it, and I was scared of it. And I, as an adult, was screaming to the world, don't fuck with me. I can protect myself. Don't take advantage of me. I'm not a victim. So these are things I can.

don't feel anymore, so I don't really react that way anymore, but I will say I don't condone it, and I was reacting that way, because I was expecting shit like that to happen all the time, and I wanted to prove to those people that I wasn't a victim. Does that make sense? Yes, it makes sense to me. It makes absolute sense.

You say you had a, you know, domestic violence or whatever. I know your mom was married four times. My mom's married three times. My sister's about to get married for her fourth time. So we have a lot of similarities. Sure, sure. A lot of dysfunction there. You had different... You had three stepdads.

I'd like to name one of them. I don't know their names. I'm just going to say Chuck, Bill, and Frank. Those are close. So my dad's Dave. Of course. Greg was my first stepdad. Rick was my second stepdad.

That's a perfect stepdad. And then Dave, again, is my current stepdad who my mom's been married to for 25 years. Right. Who's the most lovely guy out on the planet? So, again, as I'm getting older and as I have kids, my judgment of all those situations is changing a bit because my mom was 23 when she was getting married again. 23 when my mom had me. My dad was 18.

Okay, yeah, I actually had this wrong. My mom had my brother at 18. Then she had me at 23. Then she was divorced from my dad at 26, remarried at 27. So like, she was such a kid, and she's got these two kids, and she has to support them. So, yeah, she didn't pick a great dude. And what do you do in Oakland City, Michigan?

Oakland County, Michigan. Whatever. Yeah, whatever. We were in high school. Highland in Oakland County, Michigan. Yeah, so that first one, who's my sister's dad, was a bat, was a bad dude. And then the second

stepdad was bad in a different way. He was super type A and controlling. But again, I got to give those guys some credit. They were fucking 27 as well, and they were taking on two kids that weren't theirs. I doubt my brother and I were easy. You know, the whole situation is, well, that's what I'm dealing with too, is like

the older you get, it's easier to just forgive and just to be accepting, you know, because, you know, it's like my dad. He's 65 now. And I didn't talk to him for a year. We got into a confrontation last year. And it was just ugly. It was over kickball. Yes. It was over, was the ball foul. Yeah. I remember you telling me. Yeah. And it just got really ugly. Something tells me the argument wasn't really about the fall. No. It was more of it. There's always been a competition. You know, if he ever listens to this, he'll know, he'll know. Like, you know, and I just, he got in my face and my brother was there and it was just ugly. And I didn't talk to him for a year. And then I realized, like, you know, then he tried to call me recently. And I didn't answer, but I sent him an email. And I said, Here's kind of how I think. Here's what I want to talk to you right now. I just kind of let it, you know, said, this is the deal.

This is the deal. I don't expect you to change. I'm not living in fairy lands. I mean, you kind of are, but yes. Yeah, but I just, I just, I'm like, hey, you know, you got a son who's sort of successful, who's having a lot of fun. I just, you know, I try to be a good guy. Why don't you enjoy it instead of like having this? And so, you know, I think he's now that my grandfather has Alzheimer's, he's, he's kind of turned over a new leaf.

My dad's like, he calls me. He's for the first time. He's like, how are you doing? what's going on in your life what's your dad like he's never asking me if I'm dating someone he's never said I let all that shit so I just but now it's like maybe

he's turning over and I think there's something with my grandfather since he has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember a lot that now they have this connection or he like wants to have a connection because my grandfather doesn't maybe remember everything that my dad remember so there's I don't know what that is that's psychological it's Freudian whatever

so but I've learned to just it's best to just like that. Let me ask you this. Were you a contrarian with your dad all growing up? Like, did you guys butt heads from the get-go? Yes, he was a 1420 S-A-T, brilliant guy, science guy, chemist kind of ran a company, never was late to work. And I was a goofy, dumb colorblind. So I'm just going to guess, though, is that you were a no-it-all. You probably had much different opinions than he did. And then your opinions ended up bearing a lot of fruit. Well, that's weird. That's a weird thing for a dad to have to, especially a dad who's right quite often because he's really smart. To have to acknowledge your success would be to acknowledge that you were right.

Maybe, but I remember, you know, I was the kid that was like, hey, dad, look, Park spelled backwards as crap. Uh-huh. You never a shit hat. Well, it just wasn't the brightest kid, maybe, or just ADD, and they didn't know what to do with it then. So I was just, oh, he's not like me. He's not smart. My brother Eric was smarter, so my dad kind of, you know, and I understand that now. But Eric also has a much different personality than you that seems to me to be more conducive to being like.

dad's little buddy is that accurate yes you know i i wrote this down because i want to talk about it because i've always thought of you as the only friend really that's sort of my therapist that's free therapy no i do because you you you know me and you say shit and i'm like even though sometimes i want to say fuck you man yeah you kind of like i'm kind of harsh on you you you the way i'm with jess uh who we talked about the one of my best friends because i think we're so similar and then i put a lot of time into thinking about some of the certain things that we all do that are destructive to ourselves. And so I always feel like, well, hey, I love you.

And then I'm in a hurry to kind of tell you like, oh my God, I bet this is the same thing I was doing. But I don't beat around the bush. I'll just say really direct stuff to you. And then I'll be on the way home. I'm like, that might have sounded a little harsh. Well, I remember one time I was talking and I was like, yeah, I don't know. I think this guy stole my idea for the script.

And I don't know, man. I don't know what to do. And you're like, is it the only idea you're going to have, dude? like what i don't i don't think so it's like then fucking why waste the stress and the time that it became a huge tv show i should have sued the guy but uh but most of the most but most of the therapy you've given me has been pretty accurate someone said that to me which was great someone at the groundline said uh you know i thought someone stole something from me they may or may not of it doesn't matter uh but i thought that and he said look if this is the only good

idea you're ever going to have then you should go to the mat and fight for it right but if you think you have endless good ideas then fucking keep it moving and that was great advice thank God I got early on and everybody steals everybody's by the way ideas are not worth a fucking thing that's the misconception that people have in America

like I got a great idea for a movie a million people have thought about it execution is what's priceless you see 10 people make the movie about the same exact thing one of them's Pulp Fiction and the other one is 10 heads in a fucking duffel bag or whatever the hell that movie is it's all about execution

there's so many things that are like The idea blows, really, if you boil it down to one sentence, but the fucking movie's amazing. What the hell is flirting with disaster about? I don't, you know. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I saw that. You haven't seen flirting with a disaster? No, it's a good movie.

Oh, it's amazing. I've missed a lot of gems. Yeah, it's tied for probably top three comedies for me of all time. What's the one and two? Slapshot is? Probably Fletch in Raising Arizona. Yeah, those are good ones. Yeah.

I'd say Slapshot for me. You love Slapshot. But you also love hockey. So it combines a couple of your passions. Yeah. So I'm going to go back to this. You fought as a kid. You were a tough guy.

Your parents went through a lot of divorce. You went through a lot of divorce and shit like that. And then you were, you know, cutting people's hair, giving them mohawks in high school. So how did someone say, or how did you feel one day like, I'm still, I'm funny? There's something with me that's different from everybody else. I got something. I'm talented. What got you out of Michigan?

Well, not that you can't be talented Michigan. Right. But you probably can't launch a acting career in Michigan. Maybe not. Yeah, yeah. I don't think it's been done many times. Although there is this weird movement, I just learned about it recently, but there's the guys from Detroiters that are from Detroit.

Keem Peel are from Detroit. So now it's kind of happening. But at any rate, in elementary school, very dyslexic, went to special ed. People called me a retard. I was not getting any attention through raising my hand and having the correct answer. That wasn't happening. So I was getting attention by being a smart ass. So I was, I thought at least I was funny all through school.

And I made tons of jokes. And I did think at a certain point, I didn't want to do stand-up. I really liked watching stand-up. I thought maybe I was- How old were you when you figured that out? I think about 15 I started watching Comedy Central was now on. And they would just do those blocks of like a half hour of comedians and five-minute chums. And who was the funny guy that you were like, oh, God, that guy's funny.

I want to meet that guy. I want to be like that guy. I don't even know that there will, it's like a 10-year-old. I love Andrew Dice Clay. Oh, I love it. No one talks about him anymore. I know. I showed Chris.

Kristen is five years younger than me, so she totally missed the Andrew Dice Clay thing. And then obviously, it's so un-PC to like him. But I showed her his original stuff is nursery rhymes, and she fucking loved it. Do you remember any of the nursery rhymes? She does them now. Let me hear it. Let me hear a one that she does. Well, one is just hiccoury-dickory-dick-dack.

This chick is suck in my cack. Hey, my favorite is tree blind mice. See how they run. Where the fuck are they going? To me. Rosembourg, you do so many good impersonations. Yeah.

Well, you do, oh, you do too. You do, I do Owen Wilson now because of you, because it was in my, it was like in my. Well, we both have this thing where we impersonate each other doing your impersonation. So, yeah, there's a few. I do Harry Carey, but solely based on your Harry Carey. I grew up with, like, listen to Harry Carrey. Yeah, I know the one that, I know the one that. You know the one. Go ahead. Do it. Do it. Do it.

You go. Jose Concepts the own. Born in Havana, Cuba, where the sunshine three hundred and six days in year. This is a pop-up in the sunshine. Hey. That's what he does. That's exactly what you say, though, right? That's your go-to sentence. Yeah. And you know what he did? You know, Harry Carey was an answer for the Cubs, for those of you who were watching are listening.

I care of listen. But he was great because everything he said, like, he didn't care about the game. He was like, he never opened up a. A box of cracker jacks. This has got to be the most asinite thing out of it. Here's a trickling ground ball to say over to Durham for the hell. You know, you open a box of Cracker Jack. You come from humble origins as a child.

And there's no prize inside. This has got to be the most. There's a pop-up over to Durham on the right side. Hey, the Shepherd family is here from Dries in Illinois. Hey, check out the guy in the Sombrose. Arrow. I just love that. You ever open a box of cracker jacks? Dude, do a one Wilson for me. Okay, it's been a long time since I do, but I always get into it with the same line. Do you remember the line I get into him with? I don't know. It's fine. I was an asshole

like, Bob gets such a great kitchen. It's a line from, um, Bottle Rocket, I think. Boy, it's been a while since I did him. Here's the thing I always think is kind of crazy. He's like, you don't know. It's that one. A certain friend comes over and it's like, you used to party together maybe, like in the early 2000s. It's like, it's kind of counterintuitive, you know. You know, we used to powder our nose, remember? It's like dueling the Owen Wilson's here. There was a period there where when I had done idiocry that I could do Luke really well to.

To Owen. And then I would, um, a couple times in standup, I would do those two arguing. I can't do it anymore though. So, okay, so you're watching Comedy Central and you're 15 years old. Yeah. And I'm thinking I could, I don't even know that I thought I could do it. I thought I wanted to do it. But then I was just too afraid to try it.

I just couldn't muster up the courage to do it in Detroit. So I thought, okay, if I move all the way to California, then I will have to do it. So I moved out here and with the goal really of just doing stand-up and then- No training really. No, no, no, no. I hadn't read a book. I simply watched it on TV. When I got here, I found out about the groundlings.

and I also had had a very long time love of Saturday Night Live like so many of us. And at that time, Will Ferrell had just left the groundlings in Sherry O'Terry and had joined the SNL cast and Chris, Chris Cooper, Chris Cooper, Chris Kippur, Chris Kippur, Christopher Cross. Christopher Cross had just left the ground list. SNL. Arthur he does as he pleases. Isn't that amazing?

You look at that guy, you hear his voice, it's like an angel and then you look at him. It looks like my sister's second husband. You know, he was on Stern talking about it. It broke my heart. You know, they simply wouldn't let him appear on his album covers. Such bullshit. I know.

I mean, it was probably very smart marketing wise because the women were imagining basically Kenny Loggins when they thought of him. Maybe he should have grown a beard. That would have helped probably. Yeah. But he was bald too, right? He had some balding issues. Yeah.

I had found out about this place, The Growlings. and I thought, oh, I'll audition for that because then you're at least out there with other people, right? Groundlings is sketch and improv and you have to be in a scene with other people. So that was less scary to me. Right. So then I got on this groundlings trajectory and that takes a long time to go through that program. So I think, you know, it took me about five years before I was in the Sunday company doing a show every Sunday.

And during that whole phase, all the other groundlings were like auditioning for. for commercials. So I thought, oh, I can do that. That kind of was like, oh, I could be an actor in a commercial capacity. And then I shifted my whole focus, which is I got to get on starting it live. Like, that's what I want to do now. So for five years, that's all I want to do. And then I was auditioning for commercials and not booking barely any of them. And then on stage, at the groundlings, I was acting for the first time. And I loved it. Like, it was so much fun. And I thought, oh, I really like this. But at the same time, I was also learning to write sketches. And I was shooting like shorts to play on the TV inside the theater in between sketches right I was just

learning all these things all at the same time writing directing and acting and I liked all of them you know and so a producer saw you had no agent for 90% of those 10 years it was this when you're doing your will for Brimley yes I was doing well for Brimley um boy he said how does he pronounce diabetes. Diabetus. That's right. Yeah. Diabetus. Because the sketch was like, oh, America. It's me. Any, any, you know a good impersonation when you have to say the person's name. So how we go? The sketch would start with me going, oh, America. It's me.

Wilford Bermley. It's going to be a record cold winter this year. So when you're bundling up your little ones, make sure you warm them up with an extra thick bowl of Quaker oats. It's good. It's wholesome. It's goddamn. I'm American. Cut. Wilford, I think you threw a goddamn in there.

No, no, I didn't. And then I would just, we'd be filming that commercial and there'd be take after take and he'd just swear progressively worse. Anyways, I didn't have an agent. And so they were just calling in

anyone who did improv to audition for punked, which wasn't called punk then, but I went in and then I went on eight different callbacks over the course of like three months. And then finally, after the end of three months. Eight callbacks.

What were they making you do? Just give me a quick example of that. I want to hear them. They would make you basically just play improv games. And they were kind of trying to mix, match, and build this perfect team. According to Ashton, I wasn't on, like, the third callback, and he saw me on a tape and said, well, let's call this guy back. You know, maybe that's true.

Maybe it's not. Does it sound suspicious? Let me ask you something. Yeah. When you're directing hit. run or chips or a movie or teed whatever do you ever go go you know what there's nobody here but let's look at those old tapes that nobody liked anybody see if anybody's in there i personally haven't done it but that's not to say i'm not calling him a liar yeah yeah saying i wouldn't probably do that

that's exactly right i wouldn't probably do that but but then again he's a very hardworking dude you cannot take that away from him and that was his first tv show he produced so he he might he may have sat there and fucking watched every single thing but at that that point why not just go to the audition but whatever it doesn't matter so he brings you in again he brings me in and he and i kind of like each other right away i think he he started showing up on like maybe the fourth audition of these eight auditions and so we kind of saw eye to eye um he's from iowa he was a big drinker then we loved women there was just a good like immediate connection and then they assembled this team of four of us we went away and we did the pilot i was like oh my god

finally i'm 28 now i'm finally going to be on on a TV show and then the show got sued the pilot got sued and then I sat around for another year while they settled this case in court doing it for that year literally running out of I remember the Christmas before fighting games no I had a I had broke my shoulder in a dirt bike accident I was you were the real character in chips yeah you're that real guy that's pretty much what I was and and then when we came back to do the series I was the only one brought back and And then they had picked up Al Shear in that one year, who was also on the first season of punked. Al Jazeer?

Al Jazeer, yeah, who then started a network in Qatar. And it's very successful. Very successful. Very, very successful. Very, honest. And then, so what had been a really long time of struggling to get an acting job, then got really accelerated. Then it got unfair.

I got very lucky because it went straight from punk to without a paddle and then idiocry and Zithyr. And then I was like, got to do a ton of stuff. your mom named you i didn't know this she named you dax there was a novel called the adventurers i didn't read this i'm not aware but based your name was based on a rich playboy yeah yeah uh he was a south american revolutionist rich playboy who uh had away with the ladies and i'm saying i'm asking that because ironically or but you've seen the posters in my house i have posters yes but i wasn't original i wasn't aware of that you know yeah so yes it was called the adventures and in the in

made a movie that Ernest Borg9 was in, and then my friend Jess, who we've now talked about three times, tracked down one of the original posters for me, and it's at the house. So would you say that she named you that? You had a lot to live up to, and then something, you sort of became a playbuenola. In a lot of ways, well, I mean, until you just, like, we're going to talk, I want to talk about that, but, like, they're not conquest. I'm saying you've had a lot of fun in your life. You've met a lot of women. Sure. Well, I never thought I was good looking, but I thought I was funny, and I was a good dancer, and I thought I was really good with ladies.

Like, I could talk to ladies. Yeah, really good dancer. We've danced together. Yeah, we've danced. Yeah. Let me just say, I don't even know that I'm a great dancer. I had a total willingness to dance at all times, which is appealing to young girls. And so I pathologically would try to find a pretty girl that I thought,

would never like me because I'm ugly and then I would prove to myself that she did like me and then when she liked me I'd never satisfied that so I'd find another girl I thought was pretty and know if this girl would like me then I would feel a whole and good and then this just went on and on and on until I was eventually sleeping with people I'd like worship from movies and I was like still feel shitty so I need to try another approach yeah I'm sure you had some fun along the way oh my god it was wonderful but I'm just saying it was it was more complicated than just I like pussy and these girls were hot That's certainly part of it

But there was also like trying to fill a big hole Again, there's some therapy here We do have a lot of there are similarities And what's so funny too is that You're clearly a good looking guy They don't put freaks on TV and lead roles I just don't hang on I was CGI in the last movie

I was Lex Luth and they made me shave my head And wear tons of makeup How fuck we're good looking at me Look I don't look at me and go You're hideous I just don't think I'm like it As you know, I'm really good friends with Bradley Cooper. I do.

We've worked with him. That's right. Thank you. Sexiest man alive. Like, he gets the cover. Yeah. He's sleeping with every beautiful woman, right? I got page 56 of Sci-Fi Weekly.

Convinced he's not good looking. It doesn't matter what you look like. There's no correlation between physically what you look like and how you feel you look. Those things aren't related. And I think to myself quite often, I'm so fucking spoiled. I'm 6'3 and blonde. and I live in America. Like, if I can't have high self-esteem,

who the fuck can? Yeah. You know? Yeah. It's brutal. You know, I'm only- People just underestimate in general how hard it is to be a human being.

So you're saying, but in a lot of ways, it's really, it is confidence, it's confidence, or it's, you know, we used our comedy. We were kind of funny.

Well, it's kind of like acting. Make them laugh. You click into, you click into this mindset where you convince yourself or somebody momentarily. And then it bears fruit.

You're like, holy shit, I did that. You know, I would walk up to a girl. I'm like, this girl's way too hot for me. I'm not nearly good looking enough. But I'm talking fast and I made her laugh. And now she's laughing again. And this is happening, this happening. And then I'm like, kind of swelling with like, oh, she doesn't even see anymore.

Well, by the way, thank God women are the way they are. Because they will go home with a six if he's really funny. Well, the joke that you always say that I loved is you go, well, I'm a six and looks, but I'm a ten in personality. So I'm a solid eight. Yeah, the women, yeah, they average. your looks and personality subconsciously. So they think their eyes are actually seen innate. But another dude would be able to look at me and go,

oh, yeah, yeah, no, yeah, he's right, he's a six. It's so true. I want to bring this up. You dated Kate Hudson. Okay. The only reason I want to bring it up, because a very cool story came out of it. You told me that Oliver, I think Oliver Hudson, her brother,

told you this story about them as kids in a car with Kurt Russell. Oh, yeah. And I love the story. Yeah, so definitely a highlight of that whole period. was getting to know Kurt Russell, who was your idol. It's very rare that people live up to what you've made them out to be in your mind when you, when you know them from you. Sylvester Stallone for me did and Kurt Russell. Probably for me, Kurt, yeah.

A lot of these people I've met and I'm like, no, that's a bummer. They're not really like that. I'm sure people meet me and think I'm a big letdown too. But at any rate, Kurt Russell is fucking every bit as cool as Nate Pliskins. He really is. Yeah, he really is that guy. So, yes. And mind you, I heard this.

story once from Oliver and I almost didn't believe it kind of like when I was telling you about the mugging thing I barely believed it when he told it to me but then I asked Goldie directly like hey what happened on that Hawaiian vacation and then she went through the exact same details

so it 100% happened so they were all on a family vacation in Hawaii and apparently they were on some twisty road and Kirk was tailgating this semi that was going really really slow and then finally there was a little opening and he passed his semi recklessly and then right around the next turn there was a stoplight so he gets in front of this semi and then there's a fucking traffic light and they're at the traffic light and Kurt sees that the driver of the semi is out of the truck and coming at the car and the guy is a huge Hawaiian dude and so Kurt gets out of the car he doesn't want to get punched through the window in front of the family so he gets out of the car and he kind of meets the guy at the back of the car and he says to the guy

Hey, I'm so sorry I passed you. I'm with my family. I don't want any trouble. And the guy says, you know, tough shit, motherfucker, you got trouble. And Kurt says, please, man, I'm with my family. I don't want anything. He turns around to walk away. The guy pushes him from behind.

He pivots, turns, punches the guy in the mouth. The guy goes down to the ground immediately. Blood coming out of his mouth. He reaches into his mouth and he has a fucking tooth in his hand and he says, I've got my fucking tooth knocked out by snake Pliskins. Pliskins. It's plural. And he fucking, he was stoked that he got dropped by Kurt.

Oh. Isn't that great? That's the best story ever. So great. God. I love, too, that he was trying to get out of it. He's trying to be a good family man, but that you just can't lay hands on. snake yeah you're gonna you're gonna be missing a tooth you don't want to mess a snake yeah so you can see

where i didn't believe that story the first time oh yeah yeah because when i asked goldie of course she was like oh is the worst kurt the way kurt drives you know it started with how he drives and i was like okay this is really this really happened so you're doing drugs i remember one night we're doing drugs just to just get another place here because i want to i want to get somewhere we're doing and we went roller skating uh-huh i smell your part. Yeah. We don't have to talk about that.

I smell your part is just a something that's just between you. That'll be an Easter egg. That'll be an Easter egg. That'll be an Easter egg. Hashtag, I smell your part. But I remember we were. Can I smell your part? Can I smell your part?

We were roller skating at a, at the palladium in Hollywood, California. We'd probably gone through a lot of powder. Let me just say, too, that Rosenbaum at that time we're like the quintessential newbie Hollywood, like guys from entourage. going to every premiere, any, like, anytime they were giving away a bar of soap, we were there. Anything free, exciting. Yeah. I was at the love boat every night.

Exactly. We went to the Palladium. We were, I believe, we could have been in my conversion van. We weren't. I was driving because when you said, do you want to smell this part? You were in the passenger seat of my car. You're right. I was.

God, you remember that so vividly. I do, I do remember. What car were you driving? Were you driving that thing that you got free from punk? From GM, yeah. GM gave you a car. Either had an escalator or. a CTSV or something like.

But I remember we were doing a lot of drugs and a lot of drinking and we went roller skating and it was a lot of fun. But I remember it was about 233 in the morning. We came back to my house and I said, I have a prescription for Xanax. I am not a good sleeper. I have back issues. I'm going to take a half a zaner and I'm going to call it a night. It's almost 3 a.m.

Yeah. And you're like, okay. And the next morning I woke up at about noon and a full bottle of Xanax was gone. There was no thank you note. And you had gone out. I think in the snort, the rest of the snort, some Xanax, and I think some liquor out of your fridge, like four or five years or something. I basically just took everything you had. I was missing everything from my house the next morning.

I had grocery shopping. You know, it's really humiliating. Luckily, I haven't acted like that in 13 years. But yeah, I thought you were dead. I was like, there's no way if he took. But yeah, I regularly took all those things. And I miraculously didn't end up dead. I've had friends in sobriety who have died doing the exact same combination of things I had done numerous times.

Like, so fucking lucky. It's ridiculous. But, yeah, that one of my terrible qualities was if I was fucked up, because I did have this arrangement with other friends of mine who were equally addictive. Like, whoever had shit, you did all the shit. So, like, I sometimes, my friend Scotty would come into my house at four in the morning and take, like, four hits, He knew I had that we had bought together. And then he would just... If you had them here...

Yeah, he'd replace them. And then I would do that as well to him. So I kind of was in this like, hey, he's got this shit. He gets it. I need all this stuff tonight. And then I'll replace it next week or whatever. But you didn't really get it. It was pretty weird to wake up.

And I basically robbed you. So fucking terror. No, no, it wasn't a bear. I mean, look, yeah, I had an issue. But what's amazing to me is I really always say, like... Look, yeah. an issue you know I was insatiable

you're one of these annoying people like my friend Nate Nate Tuck who we both love I love produced hit and run with you yeah I'm not envious of people who and chips I'm not envious of people who like just don't drink right by nature and I'm not envious of a fellow

drug addicts like myself I'm really envious of people who actually can party hard and then not have an issue and that's how Nate is Nate has been on some of my biggest benders with me, but he would do that once every three months. And it was just never an issue for him. Or like you, he would go to bed at 3.30 in the morning. Yeah, I knew when to call quits. I just felt like, like maybe it was that you just had a better, you had more stamina.

You had more, well, the drugs. A better constitution. Well, I just, maybe, I just, I felt like I was so, I was so tired. Oh, yeah. I was so done. And you were ready to go. It's like you were superhuman. I kind of gained energy the longer it went.

Yeah, I think that's what happened. But the way to do it, like, you know, If you got to pick from birth, it would be like, I would love to have experienced all this partying and then just never had an issue with it, which is kind of what you did. It's pretty miraculous. Yeah, I don't, I just never, I don't know what it is because there's some addiction to my family. We don't have to talk about that. Sure. It's not inside of me.

But you have certainly done most of the drugs. I have done a lot of the drugs, but I felt like, you know what? Wow, I like this a lot. I think if I do this, you know, if I keep doing this, it's a bad thing. But if I could just do it once every once in a while. The only really destructive thing you have is this fucking cigarette thing. Are you still smoking cigarettes? Well, an occasional cigarette, but I use this little, like, you know, the little fave thing that gives you popcorn lung.

Where is it? What the fuck is it? I need a cigarette. No, but I do, yeah, that's not a good to vapes, are they? I don't think so. I think they're finding out that it's maybe worse, right? I don't know, just the word popcorn lung, which apparently it gives you. That sounds disgusting, doesn't it?

Oh, my gosh. Thinking of fucking popcorn. I'm getting an anxiety attack. I thought I was doing a good thing, not smoking, and doing the vapes. You're doing the gum. The gum you've been doing for years. I do the lozenges. Yeah, I've been on them for 12 years.

Love and Jesus. I like that. Laves and Jesus. I don't know how you managed to. To me, I mean, there's stories like Robert Downey Jr. And you're like, oh, my God, this guy's a train wreck, train wreck, train wreck, train wreck, train wreck, train wreck, he's never going to get it together. This guy's done. And now he's Oscar nominated, amazing, talented.

Biggest star in the world. Biggest star in the world. And then I look at you and I go, I knew you when, and I was like, dude, whether I was at your apartment thinking you're going to get gang banged. Or whether I thought you were going to, like, cut the wrong guy's hair Or whether I thought you were going to get fucking, you know, you were going to fuck the, you know, eventually you will cut the wrong guy's hair. You're going to show your dick to fucking Kurt Russell and he's going to knock you out. I don't know what's going to happen.

And you quit drugs, you quit alcohol, completely sober, quit cigarettes, quit cigarettes, met a girl, got married, had two kids. Yeah, it's pretty wild. And I'm still friends with Tom Arnold. During that whole thing, we're both, we're both still friends with Tom. But it's just, it's, it's, it's amazing to me that to me that's like your biggest success, your family and what you did to get there. And I'm sure like you fight every day to to stay sober. I mean, is there like one day, do you ever still feel like a beer anymore? I don't fight being sober.

Largely, it's, that's not an issue really. But, you know, being married and having kids, let's say this, I don't feel a desire to drink. because I do daily work, right? As long as I'm doing preventative stuff, I don't ever feel that way. And the marriage and kids thing is identical. I think a lot of people think you choose right and that's it. And that's so not my case.

Maybe other people have that. But in my case, you're daily having to check what you're saying. You're daily having to say, like, am I really mad that she did that? Or I'm just scared because I think she really doesn't care about it. You know, if you're not doing all that stuff, I feel like the easiest thing that can happen in a relationship is just like one layer of resentment, then another layer resentment, resentment, resentment, resentment, and then all of a sudden, and then all of a sudden you have, it's not disdain, but soon as you, I have contempt for a partner, like there's this great, there's a chapter in a Malcolm Gladwell book in Blink, and it's about thin slicing, right, and how quickly people can make these judgments. Well, there's a guy that's been studying married couples for 20 years at Stanford. I might be getting the college wrong. It doesn't matter.

He's been recording these couples have an hour-long conversation for 20 years. And he asked them to talk about something that normally causes them to fight. And he watches them. And he can predict with 95% accuracy after watching this tape, who will get married or who will stay married and who will get divorced. He can predict with 85% accuracy after only watching it for 15 minutes. He, but he can predict with like 80% accuracy within three minutes of watching a couple talk whether they'll get divorced. Of how they interact together. And the number one thing is contempt.

So if the guy's like, well, you never come home and she rolls her eyes, she's saying, you're a fucking dumbass. You're labeled in my head as a dumbass. Not you're acting currently like a dumbass. You are a dumbass. And then if he's like, you're fucking crazy. Not currently you sound a little crazy, but I've now labeled you a crazy person. once two people in a relationship do that it's over it's fucking over yeah that's contempt so luckily i read that book when we were first dating and i was like this is amazing they've like

kind of cracked it they know what will lead to a divorce or at least one big element of it and i said i'm going to work really really hard to not ever get into contempt with you and i urge you to hopefully do the same to me so i would never say my wife's a bitch or my wife's crazy or my wife's selfish or this or that i'll say i've at times said she's acting selfishly right now right now she's acting narcissistic right now now see what i want to say is like everybody in america i mean you're like america's sweetheart so you know you're like i mean people love you i love you but but like you're on ellen and ellen loves you and all the and you're everywhere and you're very bizarre they're the perfect couple do you ever feel like god man if they only knew or if they

know some shit well we're very honest about that we're a perfect couple that started going to couples therapy four months into dating so I don't know how fucking perfect that is you know that yeah so yeah we try to um anytime we're asked about it dispel this notion that we found our perfect match that's so not the case she she and I are fucking opposite you know her and you know me we couldn't have had a different background we couldn't have different interests we couldn't have different concerns and things she's passionate on and I am there's no there's no similarity almost Um, so we're not perfect for each other, other than what is perfect about us as a team is that we're fucking opposites and we force each other to see the other side of every argument.

And that's been really helpful to me. I think I've changed a lot through dating her, um, because I have to compromise with her daily, you know. And, and so I've definitely grown more towards her and she's grown more towards me. But it was not perfect match made in heaven easy. So in the beginning. It's not easy today. She works a ton. I work a ton. We have two little kids. It's fucking hard, you know? Delta and Lincoln.

Delta and Lincoln. Named after cars? Well, one was named after a car. And then the second one, you remember DeCastro, the stunt coordinator on both hit and run-in chips? Yeah. He texts me when he found out

we were having a second kid and he was joking. He said, what are you going to, like making fun of us naming a girl Lincoln? He said, what are you going to name the next one? Navy Seal, Delta Force. and I was like reading this text out loud to Kristen laughing and I was like wait Delta force Delta that's a pretty fucking beastly name so her name was a joke that bit

Steve in the ass that's amazing yeah how hard is it to like to be a good dad all the time to be like to have the patience to be a good husband to not flip the heck out I mean what do you do do you I read somewhere you work out all the time I think you told me that anyway but you work out a lot that kind of gives you like a makes you feel happy yeah yeah basically here's what happens if i feel depressed which happens i go i go through a little checklist in my head and i go did i work out this morning it's always no um was i have service to another dude who needed help even if it's 10 minutes a day like there's plenty of guys who i know who are sober who reach out to me and i could choose to be of service and talk to them or ignore them so basically when i start going

through the checklist and it's like no you haven't worked out no you haven't really helped anyone but yourself lately this that I feel like shit so for me it's a really simple equation and I if I do those things I generally feel good and if I don't do those things I generally hate myself and I have low self-esteem do you have those on your posties every day where it's like I'm going to do this or do you just

remember I don't I just now I think after 13 years of being sober like I know what it is and I know whether or not I'm doing it you know for many people I know kids have this incredible ability to teach you whatever the fucking thing is that you haven't mastered yet you know mine is I'm a control freak I'm impatient yeah and I want things to go my way you know if things are not if I feel like things are out of my control I start getting panicking and then I get aggressive and I do all these things and kids are the ultimate exercise and like you have no fucking control you would think that you'd be able to put a shirt and pants on a child who's much smaller than you you anytime you'd want that's not the case like it can take you an hour to put a fucking shirt and pants on a kid and just learning to relax in those situations and just go with the

flow and go like well they're not going to change so who's changing the one year old or dax one of us has got to change or it's going to be a miserable outcome and then learning those patients from those two kids and my wife that takes a ton of patience i find that in general i've gotten way more patient, which is probably my worst intolerable character defect. Like, if you've been with me in traffic, like I'm so fucking impatient. I get, I get nervous. Yeah, it's terrible. Yeah.

I don't like that anymore. You're not? For the most part, no. I haven't, like, I started slow. I started three years ago, my New Year's resolution was no more screaming at people in the car. Like, I was not allowed to scream at people. Does it make Kristen really uncomfortable? She hates it, of course.

Who would like it? But other than maybe some of my knucklehead friends from Detroit who are also screaming. me and out the other person. So then the next year was no hand gestures either. So I spent a year not yelling at anyone, but flipping people off, all that kind of stuff, waving, patronizingly. And so then I knocked that off. And then last year was no more honking my horn. Can't honk my horn at people.

No matter what, even if it's a little. No, if someone's stuck at a light, we've been there for 10 seconds, but I'm talking more like honking the horn when you think they're going to get over or they've gotten over so you slam on your horn or whatever. I am only allowed to use the horn as it's intended. Like, I'm going to hit somebody or they need to look up because of the light screen. So now I'm over honking, yelling, and his chestering. Is this through therapy? No, this is through meetings. Yeah, 12-step meetings. Now, is it wrong that I'm actually listening to this and taking this advice?

I'm going to do that. There's a few things you said already. Like, I'm not going to haunt my horn as much. I think that's great. I'm not going to eat. I think that's the advantage that I have quite often through sobriety. I'm in a room listening to other men. There are men in there that I look up to

or that they have something I want and I'm able to learn from them without being taught, which to me is everything because I'm also a know-it-all. And as I told you, I was in learning disabled classes. So when people start giving me tutorials, I get really defensive.

Like, what, you think I'm fucking stupid that I don't know this? Same thing. I feel like an idiot. And so I'm in an environment where I can learn from people who are not trying to teach me anything, which has been hugely helpful. So everything I'm saying to you, I heard from somebody.

Some guy was like, oh, fucking I get mad at myself for being pissed off in traffic because eventually I realized this or whatever it is. And then I can just steal from them. What amazes me is I didn't know this, Magna Cum Laude at UCLA. You didn't? No, I didn't. I would have thought when we were drunk, I would have bragged about that. You did not drag about it.

What does that mean? What does Magna Cum Laude mean? Does that mean 3.9? Well, it's determined every year. It's basically, I think, top percentages, right? So I think it varies from college to college, right? There's colleges like Stanford, I believe. Everyone gets A's.

So I don't know how they do it there. But at UCLA, the year I graduated, I think Sumo was 3-9, Kuma was 3-8, and then cum laude was maybe 3-7. And you probably recall, this is why I think you would recall this because I was magna cum laude and then pre-started UCLA right when I graduated she was suma she was better than me summa is yeah bigger than magma yeah she was better at all things than me but condoms the magna the magnum condom is is it the biggest now I've been out of the condom maybe xL magna yeah I feel like they did they did release an even bigger one right now

they have an i don't know i'm not there well what's amazing is you know what I like is You're just a regular dude. You're from Michigan. You know, you just seem... I take a poop every morning. But you take a shit every morning. You're really obviously a bright guy. And I think that's why, you know, you get kind of upset when people talk down to you.

I think when people, especially maybe in the business who've done a lot of work, they're like, who's this guy who wants to do this? Let me tell you about this. And you right away are like going, dude, I know what I want. I know what I'm doing. Yeah. And what's great is all of these issues, all roads lead back to self-esteem. It's really that simple. If you feel great about yourself, the person that's talking now and you will have no effect on you, you'll be able to see it for what it is.

That guy likes to tell people how to do things, whatever. That's his thing. He enjoys that. He's got his own laundry list of insecurities, and that makes him feel less insecure. And when my self-esteem is low and that guy's doing that, I'm going, this motherfucker thinks I'm an idiot. But that motherfucker's never even thinking about me. He's doing his own thing for himself, you know. Right. And how I interpret that is based 100% on my own self-esteem in that moment. And there are things you can do as a person that are esteemable acts. And there are things that you can do that are selfish acts.

And they leave you feeling different ways. It's amazing how you've evolved. If you go to hometown buffet, nothing against hometown buffet. By the way, you like those, you hear the gardeners? Yeah. Does that bother you? Not at all. I think it'll bother our listeners.

No, they'll like it. You like it? I think it adds a little contextual. It's like Foley. Hey, we're at my house. Some people would, yeah. Gardner's here. Yeah.

They may think we're doing this in the driveway, but other than that, I think it'll be nice. Rob, can we fix this in post, Rob? Do the leaf blower elimination app. Can we do that? We both love Michael McDonald. Oh, we really do, yeah. I mean, that's one thing I could always go to you. Well, we both, we've shared a, we have a ton of overlap in our musical taste.

We do. We like 70s, yacht rock. We love that 70s, 80s, yacht rock, really for us is. Ambrosia. But you have a specific, peculiar thing to you that I've tried to armchair and analyze us a few times. I know you have. 80s music. Which is you're in the 80s.

Yeah. It's so interesting to me. Yeah, you analyzed me. I can't remember what I said. You said something like you're reliving the days that you couldn't live up then because you. Well, my theory is this. So my friend Andrew Panay, who you also know, who produced chips and hit and run, he is a very successful producer. I borrowed his car one day

I pulled it back into the garage and there was this GT bicycle in his garage brand spanking new and I got out of the car and I was fucking staring at this bike I can't tell you the emotions that elicited it in me I was like oh this bike and he came outside and go

oh my god dude tell me about this bike he goes right he goes I saw it I was shooting a movie in Connecticut and I walked by a bike shop and that was the bike I wanted as a kid that my parents went by me And I was like, oh my God, I can buy this bike now. And I was like, oh, it makes me feel so good.

And then we were just laughing about the fact that, like, whatever it was that you wanted at that age, your entire rest of your life's based on that, like, getting that bicycle or whatever the fuck it is. You now can see all these bands you wanted to go see and couldn't see. I was grounded in high school and I couldn't, I had no freedom of, you couldn't afford it or whatever the thing is. Like, we all end up stupidly if we get some monocum of. success to start trying to heal those those experiences through like doing it now which is hysterical because it's like we're not 13 I'm going to magic mountain I'm going to ride roller coasters all day I'm going to go see air supply yes because I couldn't yeah there's something true about that yeah but it makes me feel good and nostalgic sometimes I get a tear in my eye

yeah and also your office is just floor to ceiling toys that you wanted when you were a kid you know what else I want to ask you real quick is um we have a different theory on autographs. You never have asked for an autograph. I've asked for one autograph in my life. Whose autograph? O.J. Simpson's post murder, which I got. He gave you an autograph. Uh-huh. After he murdered. I was living in Santa Monica,

dead broke. I was like 25. I used to take a lot of walks. I was walking. I was on like a two-mile walk, and I had brought this book, Skinny Legs and All, a Tom Robbins book, I think. I think that's his name. And it was in my backpack, and I'm up on, what's the roadie? lived on um we all know drive rob what is it come on what the fuck we know it rob do you know it uh i'll look it up the most famous yeah why don't we know this but i'm walking down that road and all of a sudden o j simpson is jogging towards me in normal street clothes rockingham rocking i'm on rockingham and o j simpson is like jogs up to me in street clothes and he goes hey

have you seen a big brown labrador or whatever dog he was looking for and i go uh I go, no. I go, but you know what? I'm kind of walking the neighborhood. So if I see it, you want me to bring it back someplace? And he's like, yeah, right there. And he points to the house, you know, his house. And I go, okay, I'll do it.

And he goes, hey, man, thanks a lot. And I was wearing, like, maybe a Harley T-shirt or something. And he's like, by the way, this whole interaction makes way more sense after I saw the documentary about him, that he was really nice to fans. Like, he would interact with anyone. Like, he liked being famous. Right. So I go, hey, I know you're looking for your dog, but would you mind giving me an autograph?

And I pulled out that book, Skinny Legs and All, and he signed it. But that's the only autograph I've ever asked for. But I felt like, I don't know. You've kind of, yeah, you, I think I've made you feel bad, though. You've made me feel bad about not, not, about getting autographs. And I think that it's maybe again. And pictures, too, you ask for pictures with people too all the time, right? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, my thing is, is like, first of all, you know, I grew up in Indiana. I know at Michigan, so that shouldn't make a difference. But, you know, I used to be locked in my room watching movies all the time and, like, you know, copy the movies with one VCR to another, dub them and thinking the movies weren't going to erase eight years from then. But, and working on my impressions because I had no life. And I just was enamored by all these actors and I, you know, and then I started to start taking an acting class. So when I eventually moved to Hollywood and I was working with some of these people, I'm like, this could be it. I always feel like this is my last job or this is the only moment I'm going to meet this person or why not, hey, maybe my kid someday or, hey, it's kind of cool.

cool and some of those friends that used to hang out with me and they they would like this and i'm going to do and so i'm like working with steve martin i'm like hey would you tell me about smallville and then i go hey sign my jerk poster it's like yeah come in my and it was no big he's like i got a jerk poster and i got all these signed batman uh adam west car yeah and i think i'm just like more of a geek like that i think it's kind of fun and cool but i always feel like i don't belong i've talked about this before but i always feel like around big celebs i just feel like If there's anybody bigger than me in the room, which is a lot of the time, I just don't feel comfortable.

They have that effect on everybody. It is our evolution where primates and we live in multi-member groups and we're obsessed with status and who's alpha and who's beta and who's omega. And we have this non-stop anxiety about where we're at in this structure. And we're in a fucking group that's way too big to ever be at the top of or even in the upper third. So I think it gives us all this anxiety. my argument against the autographs and photos is this

I'm with you on loving someone I've met a lot of people I loved you know what I think it does is it takes your love for somebody and then it reduces it to an object that ultimately you're just getting to show other people so that you can actually get attention for something so I'll meet people in the airport and they'll be like

Hey, I love you. Can you get a picture? And I've said this. I'm like, I'll give you a picture or you can spend the next five minutes with me chatting. What would you want to do? Picture. 100% in time they want a picture. Sure.

Because they don't want an interaction with me weirdly. They don't want to sit and have a neat experience with me. They want something to post on their Facebook page so they get attention. So I don't see it as altruistic as you do. It'd be one thing if it was truly flattering. But the flattering version would be like, someone's just excited to meet someone they really look up to and then they have this great interaction. And it's not actually bogged down by either a photograph or me signing my name, which puts me in a position that's now, I'm not a human.

I'm this weird product or I'm this person who seems to you hate signing autographs. Autograph's fine. I can't remember the last time someone's asking me for an autograph. It's all pictures now. You hate pictures. You don't like them. I don't like them. I'm hesitant to say that out loud because I understand it.

And I don't want to sound like I'm too big for my britches. I just don't. First of all, I don't like being in my own fucking pictures. I don't take selfies of myself and post them on. We're going to take a picture after this. So media. I don't like how I look in pictures. I don't think there's ever a good angle.

I don't think I've ever looked good on a cell phone picture. So I personally am not taking any cell phone pictures on myself. So then why would I enjoy taking one for you? I won't even do it for myself. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. Yeah. So the whole thing just makes me uncomfortable.

And I don't think it's really a. has anything to do with me or meeting me or interacting with me. I think it's solely just to have someone famous. Hey, I'm a nice guy. Talk to me. We don't have to me. Exactly. And then, and then it's compounded. So whatever my hatred for it was before kids, it's now infinitely higher because my kids aren't fucking famous. They didn't pick a career in acting. So if we're at the

airport, I don't talk with the kids. I don't want you fucking taking pictures of me and my children and then put it, because I'll get tweeted all the time like, hey, saw you at PDX and it's a picture of my kids. And I'm like, I don't want that social media. I don't want people to know what my kids look like. So if you see them at a park and you know their name, because I just don't like the whole thing.

It makes 100% sense. Yeah. But I will say that that theory is good. Which one? That one you just said about the pictures and the theory of like talking to someone or taking a picture. Yeah. But I will say that when I worked with Stallone, I felt like there was a week that I was on set

with him and we were laughing and we had back stories like, hey, who's your doctor? Yeah. And I'm like, oh, this guy sounds like, yeah, it's my. he won't fucking call me back I'm like yeah he doesn't you know he's like he's like he gave my cell phone I was like yeah well you know he's probably having other surgery come on nobody does surgery

at fucking 11 o'clock at night and like we like and it was just like and then the next day I have all these dots on my face for the CG and he's like who are you supposed to be pippy longstocking what is this huh who are you you know I do the gay spider where I put my hand on his hands like what the hell is that I'm like

it's a gay spider I put your gay spider away Hey, what is there, rust? Do you think they would have found a cure for a rust? Did you ask him in this week together if that Rob Schneider story was true? No. How could you have forgotten? I know, I know.

It was the judge. My favorite story of you interacting with an A-List celebrity is you with Clint Eastwood. Oh, yeah. I may have added a line or two. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, anyway, the thing was Stallone quickly. The thing with Stallone was that I worked with him a week and I thought, eh, I may

work with him again if they'd make a third one or not. Who cares? Sign my fucking lunchbox. I love it. And he was like, hey, all right. I'd do it. It was like, we had a relationship. We had a connection. He liked me already. At that point, it's kind of flattering because you guys are friends and you're admitting to him at the end of a now actually having some kind of a relationship. Like, oh, by the way, I also kind of look up to you and hold you in high esteem and

meet a lot. That's different than you, you know, bum rushing him as he enters a restaurant. Oh, yeah, no, no, I won't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I won't do that. Usually it's when I'm working with someone. Yeah. I'll feel the need.

Now, no, what was the story? Clint Eastwood? Is that you worked with him. I forget in what capacity. Midnight in a garden of good and evil. Yeah. Not a lot of people saw that. Yeah.

How about you be John Malkovich and I'll be Clint, right? So this is Michael Rosenbaum's favorite scene of any movie ever. So this is the scene in the line of fire. Yeah. No. What you couldn't possibly know, Frank, is that they sent my friend, my comrade in arms to my home to kill me. I never lied to you, Frank, and I never will. Where were you, Frank?

no you have a rendezvous with my asshole motherfucker i couldn't get it out you do it you do it so good you do it better than me go ahead i just want to try before you did it really good well when i went out to clint i just said hey hold on do the line first you have a you have a rendezvous with my asshole motherfucker yeah at some point clinton that movie says you have a rendezvous with my asshole motherfucker and then Rosenbaum was really curious if that was in the script so I said in the line of fire you said this line I just want to know if you improvised well it was the line it was something along

the lines of uh you have a rendezvous with my asshole motherfucker he goes well I might have added a line or two yeah and so Rosenbaum told that story so often that we then said how could you make that line even weirder and it would be you have a rendezvous with my asshole lips motherfucker you added lips and we put it in that brother's justice yes in brothers justice we said that so now that's another thing you have a you bond a rendezvous my asshole lips motherfucker what could be grosser than the words asshole I've used it since then I thought it was pretty genius so now you put now you have a propensity for me to use a big word like that you've used a few today uh to put a put your friends in films you put me in all of your films i was cut out of the last one but that by

by no no no no i don't i would never comment on your performance no no no no made made no sense on the dvd i hope you can get in oh is it really yeah nice yeah um chips and uh i i you put me in hit and run you put me in like i mean look you come to holly when you're like friends make it big you like they're going to put you in movies but that doesn't happen a lot james gun has put me in things he put me in guardians you you're the other three you're three i mean you're three for three and i don't even expect it but i always Well, in the second role, which is the biggest of the three, I actually wrote for you, which is even more different, I think.

It's one thing just to cast one of your buddies in this role you have open, but I specifically wrote, whatever your character's name was, and hit and run for you, Gil. Gil Rathbun. Gil Rathbun. Yeah. Which I got that name out of at Palms. Did I tell you where I got that name? I was writing that script in Palm Springs by myself in a hotel room, and I went out to eat,

and I grabbed, like, one of those real estate. Circulars, you know, to look at, like, houses there or whatever. And I started looking at the names of the real estate agents in Palm Desert and stuff. And they were a treasure trove, funny names. And one of them was, like, Terry and Gil Rathbun. And then you and your brother's names are Terry and Gil Rathbun. I love doing that movie. Let me try that thing.

I want popcorn. It's just nicotine. Yeah, yeah. But you don't want to start doing that because then it's like, oh, my gosh, now he's doing that around the kids. I'm not going to do the relapse. I don't want you to do that. I had a brief relapse. You had a brief asshole lips.

I had a brief relapse with chewing tobacco recently. Oh, yeah. I went back on that for like three months. Oh, so gross. Jesus, it's gross. But my two-year-old said tobacco really cute, which kind of made it worth it. What would you say? She's like, Daddy, this is your tobacco?

She called it tobacco, like, naturally. You know how old-timers call it tobacco? Yeah, she called it tobacco. I love it. Yeah, but I stopped. Your kids are really cute. And I think you were honest when they were born. I thought your kids were really cute as babies.

I feel like you're the kind of parent that, like, if your baby wasn't cute, you'd say it. I feel like I'd own that, yeah. Because who gives a shit? Yeah, I was below average looking as a child. Yeah, me too. I'm being interviewed on the inside Michael Rosenbaum's inside. Oh, yes. Hey, do you remember meeting Kristen?

I still think that I know you had some, there was a game night or something the first time. But then I think, here's the deal. Do you know this story? Of course. Well, it was at the Kings game. Tell it all the time. It was at the Kings game. Red Wings.

Red Wings. Red Wings Kings. Yeah. And we saw her there. That's right. That night. And I'd met her a week before at someone's birthday dinner. Like only eight people.

And we did not talk really at all. Right. There was no connection. Are you attracted to her though? Nope. Okay. And then you and I were at the Red Wings game like a week or so later. And we ran into her and you knew her from being on the CW.

I had met her. It was became the WB. Oh, okay. No, it was the WB and now it's the CW? Oh, yeah, that's right. So you started chatting with her. And I thought I was attracted to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You knew that. Yeah, yeah. I was like, wow, this girl's beautiful. And she even said you guys used to flirt at those events. She did? Yeah, WV events you had to go to. I could have two kids right now. No, you couldn't have.

No. No. You wouldn't have gone to therapy week? No. She would have dumped me month three before your first couple's therapy. No, you just wouldn't have gone to couples therapy right of the game. Right. But go ahead. So we, so I get her number for you? No. What happened was we, you were talking to her and I was like, oh, this girl's really cute. And then I started talking to her a lot. And she reminded me that we had just met at Shauna's birthday party. And I was like, oh my God, that's right. I didn't remember that right out of the gates. And now as I was talking to her, I was like, this girl's really cute. She is so sparkly. And then I, I said, do you have any more of that gum? This is what she always tells. Do you? you have any more of that gum and she said just the piece of my mouth and I said okay I'll take half

and she gave me half the piece and she was like oh this boy likes me and then I got her number the next day from Shauna whose birthday party it was we were at eight days before how many dates before you slept with her I don't know but more than normal took a lot she's a good girl and it did not take a while four dates it wasn't uh I I don't remember right yeah I'm gonna read some tweets real quick uh oh wow you I mean you really did some research that's my producer but I wanted to me make it kind of interesting you just tweet it i like your tweets that's why some guests i don't read their tweets okay uh sometimes when i see a really beautiful house i stare at it and let myself believe my kids would be super cooperative if we lived there yeah and that one thing i'll say about my

tweets is uh with rare exception they're real it's like people who do stand-up who tell fake stories i can't stand that i like like like i loved richard priors my favorite all time me too stand-up as many people because all of his stories were fucking real you knew those that shit really happened yeah i hate when people are like telling some bullshit so anyways yes that day i was taking my kids at the park and they were being a fucking asshole and christin was working all day took me so long to get them in the car there was a huge traffic jam to get to the park i drive by this house and i just stop and i look at it because it's beautiful and i was just imagined what our life would be like in that house and i really thought they would be nice selfish thought of the day

should i tweet about this great restaurant i want them to be busy enough to stay open but not wait in line busy do you ever have that thought yeah sure yeah that that's the place right next to bowery next by arc light that uh mediterranean joint for far for fall or something people are pumped for self-driving cars they can read or text they say i say we've had them for a hundred years they're called buses it's one of my favorites true right mm-hmm this wasn't a very deep dig this is all like within the last month oh yeah that's why i thought they're okay i've uh i've noticed that people who regularly use the phrase is what this country was built on typically have zero knowledge of U.S. history.

Yeah. I'd like to ask you a question. Sure. Who said, I'm a Berliner. I am a Berliner. I mean, what's weird is I'm inclined to say it was Hitler, but he's from Austria, but I'll say Hitler. Most people would say Hitler.

It was Kennedy. When he came to Germany, he said, I am a Berliner now. I'm a Berliner. And Berliner actually means a donut. Oh. Oh, great. So he said, I am a donut. And was he?

I don't know. I can't remember. I don't know my U.S. history enough to know if John F. Kennedy was a donut or not. In my head all morning, hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride, scream and holler at me. This is when I thought maybe I don't know Dax as well as I used to. What's, what song is that? Scrub. Sing it.

I don't want no scrub. Scrub is a man that can't get no love from me. I do know that song. I do know that song. I do know that song. I do that song. Wow, you know the words. Does Bell get you into that music?

Do you think without Bell, you wouldn't be so inclined to listen to this music? No, I think I definitely am. No, she hasn't really influenced my musical choices. But what I will say musically about her is I have favorite songs that I've listened to upwards of 4,000 times that I don't know the words to. Or that I don't even know a third of the words to. Like my very favorite song of all time is Talking Heads naive melody. I don't know a fucking word of that song. Feet on the ground

And in the sky It's a run, I don't know the land But I know like every fifth word of that song Kristen could hear that song a single time And she'd know every single word Like she can hear the words Yeah, but she's got photographic memory She's actually a musical genius

She was like operatically trained She can read and write music She is really smart She's one of the smartest people I've ever met Well we would watch American Idol and the person would sing and she would have this like breakdown of what they were doing wrong very technical and i would be like she's showing off and it's probably not even true and then harry conic junior would say fucking verbatim what she said and she would be like alighted because of course he's a super music genius and i met him at the super bowl this year and got to tell him that gosh you've met everybody a lot of big stars uh let me shaking hands with a lot of tan would you consider me for another movie if you'd direct which you will oh yeah of course awesome yeah three last things uh i mean all three of them have not made any money i wouldn't want to break my streak i feel like maybe first of all first of all uh

brothers justice is hilarious little documentary that you made and that you did that for pennies and five grand and it was you know it's hilarious and i i loved it and i think what matters most is like look i made a movie for like 800 grand and i love it and you know rotten tomatoes could sit here and give it 11 percent sure rotten tomatoes yeah i just don't care i made the movie i wanted to make Exactly. All you can do is make the movie that you want to see. I don't know how to make the movie someone else wants to see. I don't know how to do that. I can only write a script that is the jokes I want to hear.

It's your sense of humor. Right. It's what I want to hear. Maybe that's broadly appealing. Maybe it's not. As a director, I've never... Here's the conclusion I came to the other day. Of course, I was depressed for a couple months after chips came out.

But I had this realization. I'm going to name drop. I went and met with Kevin Smith to ask him questions about Superman. And we were kind of talking about movies coming out and how they perform and that whole experience. And I said, you know, it's funny is if I went back in time and found 16-year-old Dak Shepard on his, you know, fucking lunch hour at high school and said, hey, you're going to write and direct and star in a movie at Warner Brothers. I would, I would never say, how much does it make? How much do I make? Like, I would just be like, no way.

How's that going to happen? There's no way I'm going to grow up and direct a movie at Warner Brothers. What are you talking about? I just wouldn't believe it. At no point would I even consider how much money it was going to make. See, I do the same thing when I go back in time. I go to that 16-year-old, I go, you're not going to be married or have a real relationship at 45. What the fuck happened to you, man?

Turn it around for us. Turn it around, will you? Oh, man. Lastly, Wang Chung just followed me. Oh, yeah. Isn't that fun when weird? Boy, George followed me. Oh, really?

Yeah, I don't know why. Oh, that's great. I had a couple real weird. Oh, Danny, not Danny. Randy Quaid started following me. I fucking screen grabbed that and sent it straight to Chris, and I'm like, dream on to it. Dream on. You'll never have the ear of Randy Quaid.

I've made it. Yeah. By the way, he was genius in those vacations. You and I love those. I remember also we did. I have still the BB gun that we all signed the day we watched all the Rambo's. that you have. Oh, yeah, yeah. Me, you, Nate Tuck. I think it was Jess. Good time. It's great oldies. So, Wang Chung followed me. Last, well, secondly, I'd like to hear your Tom Arnold impression really quick. If you could sum it up in one minute the story real quick of you almost wanting to beat each other up in Iraq. Yeah, Afghanistan. Afghanistan.

So Tom and I have this really funny relationship, which you've seen in person. Oh, yeah. Which is we we hate each other's guts and we love each other to death. Yeah. And we drive each other crazy. And we went to Afghanistan, and something I'm really sensitive about was that Nate Tuck was there, my best buddy. And I don't like the idea of maybe Tom taking advantage of him, right? So Tom, the way he would eat at the dining facility on the base was, it scared you. You know, it was like a couple hundred chicken wings and like four hot fudge sundaes. Eight Diet Coke. Yeah, it's just crazy.

But we love them. And so we're late to do our stand-up show, and we stop at the dining hall to, get a quick bite we're in a hurry and as we're walking and Nate's supposed to be filming by the way he's there to kind of film this whole thing but as we walk to the show I noticed he's not filming because he's holding two trays of food and like we get in this car to be driven over to the stand-up show and I go Nate why why do you have two trays of food and he goes oh Tom's made me carry them and Tom's up front and it's been a long trip in Afghanistan already and you're thinking he's taking advantage of Nate and it's

kind of the final straw basically like this things have escalated this fight has been burbling for him and I'm not having a good night's sleep by the way Tom's one of the only friends I've had in my whole life that we fight regularly and neither of us mind right yeah so Nate's like oh these are Tom's he's got me carrying him in the fucking ice cream's melting all over his lap and shit and he go hey Tom stop being such a fucking selfish asshole and carry your own fucking food Fuck you, buddy. God damn it, I'll fucking kill you.

Yeah, he goes, oh, oh, I'm selfish, buddy. You're fucking arrogant. You're so fucking arrogant. And I'm like, yeah, you're such a fucking slob. You're fucking, you eat everything. You're spilling shit everywhere. You're fucking, like, and we, I'll fucking kick your ass, buddy. There's just this explosion in this tiny car of us screaming at each other.

Me saying, how close to punches. He's a fucking glutton and he's selfish and he's calling me an arrogant, no at all. We're screaming. And if we had been both in the back seat, we definitely. would have started punching each other and Tom gets so mad he he gets out of the car and storms off and then the best was our like liaison guy from the USO who Tom hated he made fun of this guy this poor guy for a solid week um because Tom asked him he's like hey buddy who else have you had come through here that you've helped out and the guy said uh Spyro Gyro I love them my dad's

good friends with the freaking guy from Spyro Gyro yes yeah so for the rest of the trip Tom called him Spiro Giro and lone wolf because he had a wolf tattoo all this stuff and so the guy hated Tom so Tom gets out of the car and the guy goes he turns to me he goes I'm so glad you finally said it and I go you know because I still love him

we're brothers I go this doesn't mean we're not on the same fucking team buddy like I immediately screaming him for trying to like double cross Tom it was like I just told him the fuck off and I hate him and then that guy's like yeah good I'm like shut up he's a good guy and then we walked

on stage 40 seconds later and we had like the greatest show he and I have ever had together my brother was my assistant for a while yeah I remember and we're downstairs once and he's with his like on a date or something and Tom comes by and he's just like and the one thing he's supposed to not say like Tom oh yeah he goes so buddy you guys get along since you fired him yeah oh 100% I didn't fire him it was the most uncomfortable thing ever and then literally my brother leaves he wasn't pissed but later on my brother's you know he's cool uh my tom leaves and i just remember looking at him i go you fucking idiot dude why would you say that to him oh yeah god buddy i didn't know that you don't know anything he went on a talk show and told a story about me hooking up with his sister-in-law but i was like so tom in the future when you go on talk shows maybe you know tell me you leave that part out you know yeah you run it by me beforehand you say hey was this something you'd like everyone to know he did it on Conan. He said, yeah, my buddy Rosenbaum was up here. You know, he was telling me about how you smoke pot a lot. And he's always smoking pot.

You're always, you get a bunch of weights in your room and you, you never use him, Conan. That's why it was never. It took me five years after that to get on Conan. That was my last one. I'm going to ask you this. I'd like you to give me a Michael McDonald. Should we slow it down? I'd like to give you, I'd like to, I'd like to hear a Michael McDonald impression from you. Okay. Now I know what love And you cause Babe

Now we're up to talk in divorce And we weren't even married Oh my own This isn't how it was supposed to be On my own Dude I love Dude I love you What's yours?

Well, you know, I love. I keep a good. I'm all in loving. Shine sweet freedom. Shine light on me. I always thought he was black. You know all the magic. A mad bag I want to be.

No, you have one that you, that's really good. That's about. Yamo be there. Up and over. Yamo be there. What is he saying? Yamo be there. Which is I'm going to be there.

I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. Yamo be there. He said, yamo be there. there. God bless him. Dex, I, uh, I was a little nervous about this, so. You were?

I was. Well, I haven't seen you in a while. We text. You're busy. I'm busy. Yeah. But I haven't seen you in a while. We haven't really had time.

But I really felt like we were catching up, even though I was getting to learn a lot. That's right. And I really want to say that I love you sincerely. You're one of the most original guys. I know. And you're one of the most generous fucking guys out there. Period. The end.

You're a great husband. You're a great dad from what I've seen and heard. Sure. Sure. You don't know everything. But you're a great friend. I think you're phenomenally talented. And honestly, thank you.

And I, I too, love you. I've loved you since we met. We've been friends, one of my longest friendships here in Los Angeles. And never laugh harder than hanging out. You and I, we get into a weird zone that only you and I think is for me. Yeah. I agree. And we'll show people in public and they'll be like, who are these idiots singing Michael McDonald down the street.

But it's been a pleasure. Thank you for allowing me to be inside of you. Yes. And thanks for entering me. Hi, I'm Joe Sallsee. I host of the stacking Benjamin's podcast. Today, we're going to talk about what if you came across $50,000. What would you do? Put it into a tax advantage retirement account. The mortgage. That's what we do. Make a down payment on a home. Something nice. Buying a vehicle. A separate bucket for this addition that we're adding. $50,000. I'll buy a new podcast.

You'll buy new friends, and we're done. Thanks for playing, everybody, and we're out of here. Stacky Benjamin's, follow and listen on your favorite platform.