Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum - Ep 5: Bobby Lee

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Bobby Lee, MadTV Alumni and TigerBelly host, joins me on the podcast this week. Most people know Bobby from his wildly inappropriate sense of humor, but on this week’s episode, Bobby opens up about his childhood - from drug use to inappropriate masturbation and everything else he’s overcome to become the hilariously talented comedian he is today. Throughout all the seriousness though, Bobby is still Bobby. He gets into the time he shit in his executive producer’s office, 69’ing while standing up in some girl’s closet, and how his penis looks like the finger of the alien from ET. Listen and watch as I get inside where many other things have been before... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Light the path to a brighter future with stellar lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLOR.com. And ask your family eye care professional for SLR Stellist lenses at your child's next visit. You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum. This week, I'm going inside of one of my favorite people, Bobby Lee. You know Bobby Lee from his podcast, Tiger Belly, Mad TV, the award-winning critically acclaimed kicking it old school. Jamie Kennedy, actually, yeah, we both did that movie.

It didn't do so well, but we had fun. We met each other naked. We'll talk about him taking meth at 12 years old, shitting in people's offices at Mad TV. And doing 69, standing up in a closet. Now, it is a pleasure to be inside of Bobby Louie. Let's get to that interview. It's my point of view.

You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum. Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum was not recorded in front of a live studio audio. audience. God damn it, Rob. You don't fucking listen. You fucking, you know what? He's one of those old-timey white dudes from the 40s, like a bellhop. That's what he looks like, a bellhop from the 40s. Or like a kid from the shining, like a flashback.

Yeah. And then I say, hey, did you meet that bellhop? We don't have bellhops here. And then I look at a photo and it's from the 1700s. Yeah, we're talking on my producer, Rob. He looks at eight years old. He has a kid and he's married. I know, but he's got like he's handsome, but also Steve Buschemy-esh. His teeth are fucked up? No, he's just got a combination of

character actor it's the eyes i think now he's bragging about his eyes just ruined the whole fucking that was a bad thing talks about his eyes uh i know we're here with bobby lee do an intro you want to do an intro welcome you know welcome to inside of you i don't i don't do that oh i don't do the whole welcome to inside of you but i am happy that i'm you're here today so i can so i could be inside of you never you wouldn't allow it i would never literally let you stick your penis inside. Because I'm Jewish. I don't think race has anything to do with it, really, to be honest with you. What if I was a better looking man?

Like almost... No, you're a very... Dude, in terms of Jews? Oh, my God. You're top of the line. Wait, Jews or dudes? Jews. So for a Jew, I'm good looking. So you're saying all Jews have like little curls on their heads? No, I don't say that. It's racism. Bobby Lee, your real name is Robert Lee, or are you a descendant of the Confederate general? I didn't... I have nothing to do with the general.

My lineage. But you're a junior. Robert Lee. junior yeah junior my dad's as the original robert lee yes interesting yeah why well i just thought not to be racist but do they have a korean name or did they when they came to the united my father's name i don't know my father's korean name but i know mine what is it song u song u yeah do you know mine yeah sook dike that's already fun yeah mad tv harold and kumar go to white castle pineapple express the dictator, crouching tiger. You've been in...

I know you, I knew you're gonna... Was that a joke? It wasn't a joke. I was not in that. My producer put that down there. You fucking old-timey white fuck. That's a racist. We're right. He's a racist. You're my age. You're 45 years old. I know. How do you feel? Well, there's a part of me that's, uh, I feel fine. I feel like I've always felt.

Depressed? A little bit. I've always have a lingering of depression, but, um, you know, when you get to that 45, you're kind of, you're kind of, you're kind of, you're going, I thought my life would be different. Yeah. But it's the same kind of good struggle, you know? The second I turned 40, my brother said I'm closer to 80 than zero. It didn't make

it feel good. That is true. Yeah, it didn't make... Yeah, it doesn't make me feel good. When you said that, it didn't make me feel good. No, I didn't like it. Yeah, death is around the corner, I think, for us. Yeah, probably, what do you think? A good 30 more years? Me? I don't know, man. I feel like shit every day. I try to. I really, I do.

I think I'm going to start wearing makeup. No, you look great. Really? Yeah. What did you do with your hair? Is that, is it receding or are you putting Dibety-Doo in it or what? Is it fucked up? No, no, no.

I just, I wanted to bring that up like two months ago. No, it's not receding. It's, you know, I'm trying to be more like Ryan Reynolds. He works a lot. Yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't like my hair?

Let me ask you something about it. Yeah, go ahead, man. Because last night I was, um, it was some other guy who's an actor. Right. You mentioned my name? No. No, no, but I asked him, I go, do you get jealous of other white leads? Do you?

I think I used to when Ryan Reynolds started to get rolls. I'm like, my hair is just as good as his. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I'm decent looking. Yeah. And then I realize, you know, man, whatever you get, you're lucky in this fucking business. I stop being resentful and stop, you know, did you do that? Were you like saying, God, this guy's taking my role?

Well, there was a time where I was really bitter and angry. Who? Who were the guys that were taking your roles? Give me their names. I think when Randall and Ken Jung started getting stuff, I could see myself. Ken Jung was the doctor. Yeah. I could see myself.

You know, I went to his wedding, and I love his wife, Tran. I love him. He's a very talented guy. Right. But there was a time where I couldn't even get in the rooms. And I was just going on the road. It was really depressing. But then you can't make your life about that.

If I make my life about my work, I'm going to be miserable. But don't you keep yourself as busy as shit because you have to? I try not to go, if I do this, this is going to happen. Right. So I just kind of go, I'm going to do this, and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, and I'm happy. And you can be happy. You have happy moments, you think? Yeah, I have some.

More than, like, five years ago. That's good. Yeah, six years ago, I was, like, really depressed, and now I'm like, I'm okay. Now, don't you think a lot of that depression for me, it starts in fucking when you're young. Because I want to talk to you when you were young, I read a whole bunch of shit that I didn't even know about it. You didn't tell me. Well, I mean, I mean, Jesus Christ, you, you're from San Diego. You didn't know that?

Well, I knew that, but that's easy to know. But you did meth. You smoked pot at 12 years old. I couldn't believe. I didn't believe it. Is that true? You really did. Well, number one, you knew I was sober, right?

I knew you were sober. Okay, okay. It's not that I thought you were doing meth now. I just didn't think you were doing it at 12. So you didn't know that I was, I went to rehab when I was in high school. No. I went to a couple of rehabs in high school. And I did meth at 12, 13 pot, kicked out of schools.

I was a bad kid. Where do you find meth at 12 back in 1980? There was this lady named Lucy that lived in my neighborhood in Rancho Bernardo. Right. And she had kids, like babies. And she had a meth lab also. And I used to go over there and see little babies crawl around, like, on the bottom of this table where the math lab. was really dangerous.

This is way before, this is in the late 80s. And the first time you took meth, what happened? I went to, um... Oh, boy. I went to this library at my school. I went to Twin Peaks. And they had these... I can't tell you what books they are,

but they're like some more scientific books about sexuality. And I used to masturbate in that library. On meth? Yeah. And it couldn't come, so I would just be like, like I would ditch school just to like two or three periods and I'd just be in because in the library the last row there was a wall and a wall and then there's like a row of books so I I pride open one of the, not pride open yeah but a little so I can see what's coming around the

corner and I would just lean up against the wall and jerk off because back then there was no like cameras and stuff I didn't beat off at 12 years old I don't think I jerked off till I was like 15 or 16 yeah but you're not developed I didn't develop no you're still not developed really Thank you. You are going. You remember the first time you masturbated? It was in a sock. I'm not sure it was mine either.

You masturbated and then you cleaned it up with the sock. Actually, I think I was like, I don't know, something rubbed against my penis, like my underwear or something. And I felt like a tingling sensation. And I kept rubbing the underwear on my penis until something happened. But I think it was blank. It just felt really good. And I was like, that's weird. How good?

I remember the first time. The first time I did it or? No, yeah, the first time you did it. It was amazing. But your parents didn't know Do they have any idea you were on meth? What do you act like when you're on meth? You know, when your parents are from a different country,

they don't even know what drugs really are. My parents are just old school Korean people and they didn't know what marijuana was. They came, you know, in the 60s and they just started to work, really. So they didn't know. And it's not there like, they never think that their kids are going to... So something happened, though.

You're doing meth, you're smoking pot. You're doing all this in high school. some other shit happened to you too like what i mean i you know i was molested that jesus christ you know why i yeah well you because you know things about me but you're like trying to get me to say it well no i just want you know i like i like you were so you were molested in high school no you aren't in elementary school oh before that my bad yeah sorry to be molested high school would mean that i'm like a pygmy or something like somebody could just or 15 years old it's still i know but still i'm like i get you though

Human looking. Okay, so how old are you? You're eight years old. Eight or nine, yeah. Okay, what happened? Why? You brought it up. No, you're the one that did.

You said something to happen. And now people want to know. I want to know. All right. You don't have to tell a long story. All right. If you, I want to hear it though. Okay.

I care about you. I don't like being hurt as an eight year old or any age. Well, we live, so, you know, I went to middle school, my fifth grade, fifth and sixth grade in San Diego and high school, San Diego. but before that we lived in Minnesota and we lived in a town called Adina A dinah And it was, we lived by a lake

No, a field An empty field, but in the wintertime It was snow and people would ice skate on it Right And there was like a shack there And there was a Zamboni, you know what those are Of course, I play hockey in this kind of Yeah, it's shack

Right And during the summers I guess this guy Don't say you got molested on a Zamboni Roon Hockey. No, no, no, no, no, near, next to one. Next to one. Yeah, yeah, next to it.

And, um... How old was this person? I don't remember. I didn't ask. Okay. Because he had Down syndrome. He had Down syndrome. Yeah.

Okay, so what did he do, what did you do there? He had candy on these, believe these, like, shell, the shelving area inside the shack. Why are you looking like that? We went dark. No, I'm not judging. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've had situations like this. I think every, I think it's important to hear this because, because

a lot of shit happens to people. But I think I went back every day for two summers to get the candy. The candy was that good? Was it Twizzler? No, my parents wouldn't get me candy. Like the dipsticks? So you're blaming your parents for getting? Not getting me candy, yeah.

I also blame my parents for my video addiction now, video game addiction now. You have an addiction to video games? Yeah, I didn't know that. Yeah, because they wouldn't get me like any of the consoles in high school or whatever. And then when I made money, it was when I just started buying all that stuff. okay so what so let's say high school when did you start thinking you were funny were you a funny guy in high school you were not funny in high school matt ueda got the funniest guy in high school and i wasn't even nominated were you sad about that i was absolutely destroyed by it so you thought you were really funny though

i thought that i was as funny as matt ueda yeah what did he do that was funny than you he's a nice guy but you were known as a funny guy though yeah but i don't know if my sense of humor was resonating I mean I can write I can perform but mine is also just kind of weird I'm just a weird guy you're a weird guy yeah

you are a weird guy yeah I'll be the kind of guy like if I went to church like a friend's church right on a Sunday in high school and I go hey look look toky the dumb dumb's out

and he looked down and my penis is out and then I would like go to talkie the dumbs up you know because my penis is called toky the dumb dumb now you You, we did a movie called Kicking at Old School.

Yeah, well, it's funny because, and we love Jamie. Oh, my, I just ran into him. Yeah, I saw a picture on Instagram. We love Jamie, but I remember the movie, you know, it didn't turn out that. Well, a lot of movies I've done haven't turned out well. All of the movies I've done. Have turned out not very well? Well, I mean, the ones that have bigger roles and have not turned out well.

Do you remember Miguel Nunes said? No, what he said. I said something, I was kidding around. I said, I'm never doing another Jamie Kennedy movie. And he said, he said, man, Jamie Kennedy never doing another. Jamie Kennedy. I thought that was... I mean, I remember

I mean, just chaos on that. Remember like... And your dick was always out. That's what I was referring back to that movie. Yeah, because the thing is, is that... I have pictures of you naked. I never, you know, I'm not the kind of guy that was close those. I don't want people to get the idea that that's what I do all the time.

Well, you just did Tokyo the dum-dum. In high school, when I was a kid in church. Right? Right. But not... At other people's church. Not your church. Not my church.

You went to a visiting church. Yeah, yeah. A white church. And you showed you day. That's when I have to show me. Now, here's the thing. I have a propensity. It's a big word. Rob's taking pictures. Yeah, no. It's uncomfortable.

It is. Look, I've always whipped my dick out, too. I'll just be honest with you. I've seen it. I saw it on kicking an old story. Right, right, right, right. That was the best thing about that movie. I remember going into my dressing room, my trailer, and you had snuck in there. You're leaning against the wall, and your dick was out. I wanted you to feel comfortable because you'd show me your dick first.

I understand that. Well, I don't know if you, I think you showed yours first. Well, that's an argument we could have one. yeah well here's the thing i think it doesn't it stem from something i think you know you weren't born into the world thinking i know i'm going to show my dick to everybody something happened probably as a child because my friend denine is always like i talk to my therapist about you michael and my therapist says maybe you had arrested development or something happened tragically to you as a child and that's the reason you whip your dick out everywhere did something is that do you think maybe that's why we do that or maybe we're free that's what i think could

Could that be it? Could it be that I don't really give a fuck? I don't give a fuck either. So it's like, I don't care where it stems from. It may or may not have happened the genesis of it, but I was, I could just been born with it. But let me say this, anyone listening now, I'm far more protective of my Johnson than before. Like, I'm on a show, a couple of things I'm doing, and I don't behave like that. You don't behave on the show like that. I used to behave like that on Matt TV.

And I think that it gave me a really weird reputation. Really? Yeah, because I shit in, like, the executive producer's office. And then I shit in, like, Ike's dressing room. Just not in back on the floor. Rewind here. Rewind here. So you shit in someone's office.

Briefly tell me about why you did that. Because it's America? What are you talking about? I mean, you just took a shit in someone's office? No, no, it's revenge. Why it wasn't revenge? What did the guy do? When I first, because I, when I first got on the show, Jackie Chan was guest,

doing a thing and I knew he was coming up and I was new on the show so I wrote the executive producer a letter and he go dear Dick Busucci that's his name. Dick Basici. Legend. Great guy. And I said, you know, I know I'm new on the show but I don't even have to have a line. I just want to be an extra. I want to just be around him because I grew up with him.

Sure. And then like I forgot about it and then a couple months later I was watching the show and he was on it. they didn't put me in. And so I shit in his office. How did you get to his office? Where were you in? It was actually, I didn't like pull my pants on and just take a shit. Sure.

I walked to, you know who Ike Berenholz is? I don't. Ike Berenholtz, he's on fire right now, but he was on the Mindy show, but he was also mad. He was also in Suicide Squad, a bunch of new movies and stuff. And Barron Holtz and a girl named by the name of Nicole Parker, a very talented lady. They were writing a sketch, and I walked in, and they were using Dick's computer. And I said, what's up? They're like, we're writing.

Get out. I go, all right. But then they go, as a joke goes, stick these tums in your butthole. And I go, all right. That was a mistake. No. No, it was a mistake for them to tell you to do that. That's not a mistake.

Oh, okay. That's a gift. My bet. So I go, all right. So then I pull my pants down. I stuck three tums in my butt hole. And I was still bent over. and then my butthole started foaming

like a mad dog it was making this noise too like you know it was like foaming by this time Nicole and Ike are on the ground absolutely they can't breathe it's so funny right and I think I was making noise too

like a mad dog and then I go I'm gonna because I could still feel them in the tube so I'm gonna try to shit them out you know how funny would that'd be pretty funny yeah yeah so i and they came up pop pop pop you know but they were like not this regular size right of course because it had dissolved right whatever yeah but then after that ass juice diarrhea came out so you you shit in this guy's office yeah yeah and then do you remember

that did he walk in yeah so i went pop pop pop pop and then shit and then i looked down and it was like the whole thing was foaming and it looks just so like star trekkey you know like What did he say? He comes and looks at it and he goes clean it up and he left. But then he didn't talk to me for like a couple of months. Do you regret it? No. I stayed on the show for six or seven more years after that.

So bring me back to San Diego, what got your, how did you get the confidence to get on fucking stage? What happened? You were like working part-time somewhere. Well, the thing is with me is that I went to Palomar College after I graduated from high school. And I just got D's. I just couldn't get, it was just bad. That was dumb, too. I was dumb.

Yeah, I wasn't smart. I just can't retain information at all. And I used to, like, not even go to class. And they had this, like, these six rooms, these little mini rooms with pianos in it. I would just sit there and just play piano, remember? Did you play piano? Yeah. I can play piano.

And then I just didn't, I did one semester. I just never went back. And it just kind of dawned on me that, like, oh, you're going to be maybe the first Asian homeless guy in America. Not the first. In Hawaii, there's a couple. Sure. but um but i thought i would be homeless especially the in san diego the first age and how old are you right at this age 20 20 all right 20 and so then i was in a a at the time alcoholics anonymous

yeah i know i don't think you're at a car service place that's triple a yeah and um and i ran into this guy name scott callings and he goes gary austin is doing some improv classes here in San Diego. I go, who's that? And he goes, he started the groundlings. So I go, and he goes, I have a little studio. I think you're funny, so why don't you just come and do it? So I go, all right, so I did it.

I took, like, every time he'd come, I would do, there's his seminar. And I would do good. And then, so then I started driving up to L.A., I've never told this story, to L.A. To take his classes in Burbank. And then one day we were at Jerry's Deli. I'm like, I don't know, 21, 22. And he goes, I said I play the piano, like, where I'm eating with him. And he said, I didn't know that about you.

I go, yeah, he goes, that's the reason why you're never going to be a comedian because you hold things in. You don't know how to let go. And I go, what? All right, that's weird. And he goes, I'll tell you what. He goes, if you stand on this chair right now. and the place was packed and you tell everyone that you play the piano that you'll be in the tonight show in within 10 years wait wait wait wait wait he's asking you to get on this chair i'm sitting on and jerry's deli yeah stand up and

scream i play the piano that's it yeah and then he says you'll be on leno in 10 years yeah because he didn't think i was going to do it anyway i stood up and i did it and then the place gave me a round of applause and then I sat back down because I thought you were just insane person insane person yeah he died recently by the way I'm sorry to hear that and that's the last time I saw him that Jerry's Deli incident and he was the person who really got you to yeah I never really said that I should now he didn't really get my but he was like one of the guys he gave you the confidence yeah then I went back to San Diego I live in San Diego and then I um I was working at this coffee shop it closed and it was the name of the coffee shop I just wanted it was called

disc cafe. It was owned by 91X radio station. Mike Halloran and his cousin Anthony, I think, and it closed, and I went next door because I used to get changed at the comedy store for the disc cafe. So Fred Burns, the manager, knew who I was, and then he goes, and there was a help wanted son, I go, I need a job, and he goes, you can bar back here. So then I started bar back in there, and then I was watching the open mics one night, and I go,

I've got to try it. And then that was it. now we've talked about this ad nauseum how many times we've talked about like our nerves and our you know the fear of failure when you started it sounds like you had more balls than i thought you'd have i mean to get up there well when you have nothing i couldn't i was unfuckable i find that hard to believe i mean imagine san diego very conservative at the time right i did i had to go to tijuana to get girls you fucked girls in tijuana yeah She's a rubber. Yeah. Right. Well, don't look at me like that's a crazy thing to say. Some people don't use the rubles. They should be more afraid of me than them, you know.

Right. So I did that. And then, you know, when you come to in your life, you go, I'm not going to be able to ever buy a house because I have no skills. I have no money. I have no future. Should I kill myself? I was sober. So I was like, I'll just relapse.

I mean, what's the point? Or you have to go for it. All right, so the first time you went up on stage. I want to hear what you're feeling, what you're thinking, how many people are there. Well, all right, so this guy named Randy I met, he goes, there's an open mic, because I was work at the store, but he goes, there's an open mic in downtown San Diego at this coffee shop. He goes, I'm going to do stand-up. I want you to come.

So I went to go support him, but he had signed me up, too. Did you have material already? No. So when they said it, I just. just, they said my name. And your heart starts pounding. No, I just walked up there. You walked up there and what did you,

I don't remember what I did, but I just did it. You don't have any recollection. No, I don't think it was good, but I went up. And then the feeling of it was what I want, you know what I'm going to call in the next open mic at the comedy store. But the feeling of it is like a rush that I've never felt before. You need that rush. You need that instant gratification.

You need those people. it's not the people I need exhilaration in that way because you know when you do drugs for so long at such a young age I'm you're dead inside almost and you know you go to the zoo you're like what the fuck

I don't give a fuck about you know nothing excites you right so then that feeling of like holy fuck that was a rush even though that was embarrassing and it was terrible and so then I just did it the next Sunday and then and then it just happened

really fast like what year is this 1995 95 would you say you were a decent comedian in the first year or two but what I did know about myself is most of the comics in san Diego hated me why I just didn't play nice did you shit in their office oh what'd you do man I have a thing that I do that I'm not proud of but if I feel like somebody isn't talented I can shut off you know so it's like these guys have been doing

for 20 years down there like one guy came up to me and goes hey kid I've been doing stand-up since the 70s and you don't know anything about comedy timing you should quit yeah he said to my face and as soon as that guy said that

I was just like you know what it's a war because I'm not going to quit and fuck these guys And I just, most of the people down there hated me. And, you know, people go, it's not them. I think it was me. I think I'm opportunistic. Well, when I think opportunistic, you take advantage of people.

No, it's like, it's like when, so when Pauley first saw me six months in. I wanted to get there. Where to take us there? I mean that. I was at an open mic, Pauley Shore was there. And this is a comedy store? Yeah, I knew his mom. It's San Diego, though.

I knew his mom owned the club. And I went. Starstruck? A little bit, but I was just like, he came up to me and he goes, dude, you're so weird up there. Like, oh, cool, you know. And so I kind of just, like, clung onto him. I met him.

I met Carlos Mencia. I met Joe Rogan. I met a bunch of guys back then. And they were all starting a lot of them? No, Mencia, I think I met Mencia, 96, 95, 96, and he had done an HBO special at that time. where he was about to, something like that. There was some heat on him. But he was headlining down there on the weekend.

So as soon as I met Polly, I opened for him in Vegas, which is like 5,000 seats at the top of the world. How soon after? Really soon. Like, I had been doing comedy maybe at that point nine months. What the fuck? Come on. Yeah. And then that night, I was in Vegas, Mitzie came out to me, his mom, and said, you're weird up there.

So something different about you. Same thing Pauli said. Yeah, and I go, oh, and she goes, I'm going to make you a regular in Hollywood, and then that was it. What were you doing that was weird? Explain your, I mean, you're a weird guy. I know that I've watched your,

I just saw you in Irvine a month ago. Yeah, yeah. You got me on stage. And you do these things where you do a strip tease with a guy and you're comfortable with your sexuality. Yeah. You don't give a shit. What did you do at that time?

I think at that time, there wasn't a lot of Asian guys doing it. So. Were you telling a lot of Asian guys doing it? jokes yeah but you know what not there weren't the I don't think they were typical maybe they were I don't know I don't remember them I had really big hair I think that's what it was I had hair like out to here I've seen pictures yeah and I would do jokes about my hair and a suit and also I would wear Hawaiian shirts or sometimes I would wear like overalls you know and then wear a cowboy hat but with his hair and I was just a weird looking kid right

And so they, I think, I don't think it has anything to do what I said. Right. I think it was just the way I looked really mainly. But you said you felt like you're opportunistic. I don't, don't you think in a way, like we all do that. Like we're enamored by someone. We like someone. But then they have to like something in us to let them hang out with them. Well, you're going to have that. You're going to have that affirmation. Sure. But it's still, I feel like me being opportunistic. I still feel like I don't belong a lot of times

I think I've told you that But you think you're opportunistic No I mean sure we could we could all be I think we all been on But I feel like sometimes I'm in a room with big celebrities And I just try to act cool And I'm like yeah yeah But I'm like fucking I don't belong here

My agent's like why don't you go to the golden glows I go I'm not nominated for fucking anything Yeah so what you belong I go no I don't belong there I wasn't nominated I feel like a fucking idiot My dad called me once and he goes Why don't you do more movie And I go

Well they just I want to be a movie He said he thought it was my fault. And he goes, well, you have to call them. You have to call studio and say you're available. Like he's saying, he thinks that that's how. That's how it works. Like I can call Sony and go, hey, I want to be Spider-Man. Bobby Lee, we're going to have an Asian Spider-Man next year.

Yeah, my dad, I'd call and go, Dad, I'm doing this movie. He's like, yeah, yeah, who's in it? I go, well, there's not any big star. What kind of movie is it? Well, it's called an independent film. Yeah. That's not real. What you're saying does not sound real.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not real. Fuck off. Right. But they must have been proud of you when you were on Smallville, don't know? Yeah, I think that's the first time. It was when my dad's like, well, that's pretty good at least. Fine, that's not something good.

What do you mean? It was on every, I remember driving around town. No, I'm just saying what my dad said. I'm just saying, I like the show. I mean, but you were driving around town and it was all over town. Yes, that was the first time I felt like, okay, people recognize me. Yeah, yeah. But you, you too, I mean, wasn't your father the same fucking?

I've never really been on a billboard. No, yes, you come on, you've been. For one show, that's it. What show? Animal Practice. Yeah. Yeah, but it was canceled another six episodes. Okay, well, you did six episodes.

That's more than Bobby Lee did. I just, I have a character defects, Michael. Bobby, we both have a lot of things in common. Bobby, we have fathers that we always fight for their approval, right? We want their approval, right? That happens. Do you still want your father's approval? At this point, I want my dad to stay alive.

Is he dying? Yeah. He was dying when I met you on kicking at old school. No, he wasn't dying. He wasn't. No, no. What's wrong? He had like 10 mini strokes and then one big one.

But he's hanging in there, but he can't walk. He's bedridden. How old is he? Seventy-four. When was the first time that he, did he ever validate you and say, hey, I'm proud of? did that happen you are you trying to make me cry on the show is that what you're doing no we talk about this when we're back i know but i don't want you to think you can make me cry were you were you gonna cry no nowhere near that okay well okay but you're questioning now is like making

me go look buddy is like no don't call me buddy right now man you're trying to make me cry buddy this is called inside of you with michael rosenbaum getting inside of you bobby that's true so if you cry i'm so sorry i'm never cry i didn't expect i would never i've never seen you cry i've I've seen Harlan cry. He's going to be... Yeah, maybe you're closer to him. Do you know, Lady Gaga? I want to get her on the show.

I don't know, Lady Gaga. I mean, she'd be crying on the show. The first time my dad validated me was... Because when I was in San Diego and I started, I called him and I said, I was doing a stand-up, and he virtually hung up on me because he had no idea, number one, what it was. So he was like, that's it. Don't call, you know, and then he hung out. Really?

Yeah. He just disowned. I mean, I still talked to him after that, but to get money. out of my mom, I would call my mom to get money out of them. So I would call mom, no more. You know, she would cry, no more. I go, I need, just, I'm going to make it. You made me cry now.

What? Well, that, that gets me on them. Yeah, my dad, my mom would, like, cry on this, like, don't, quit. You're never going to, you know. What did she expect you to do then? I don't know, I have no idea, man. And then, in 2000 or around there, I, I, was working at the store, and these two guys came up to me,

and they said, hey, we're Bob and Ross, and we work at the Tonight Show, Leno. I go, huh? And they're like, we want you to do it. And I go, I don't know. What? You seen me?

And they're like, because I couldn't get spots at the store at that time. I think we think we can't. We've been seeing you around town. So then they just helped me work on a set. And at the same time, I was auditioning for Mad, too, at the same time. Mad TV. How many minutes did you do on Leno? I did five minutes.

And they helped you on this? Yeah. Have you ever been more terrified than being on the Tonight Show? Well, it was fine until I got there. That's not good. I know. When I got there, I was with my brother.

My brother had skated there. So he had a skateboard. I remember that. And I got him into the gate. And then we're both walked to my dressing room. And next to me was Christina Ricci. Oh, yeah. And I remember Wednesday.

Yeah. I remember walking by her dressing room. And my brother and I went, oh, my God. You know, like, we were like, and then Cheryl Crowe and Stevie Nix was also the musical guest. Come on, man. Yeah, so we walked by their thing. And then I was like, oh, shit. I'm fucked.

I don't know how to do. And I remember being in the room. And then Jay walked. I was with my manager and agent. Jay walks in. Hey, welcome to the show. You know, he's just with, he's a nice guy, right? Yeah, you're from the comedy store?

I go, yeah, you guys, it's great, great, I don't remember it. And he just told these stories. I just did not remember any of it. And you're just still nervous at this point from there on. Petrified. I was petrified. And they announced your name, ladies and gentlemen. Well, no, what's worse is this is that now I'm behind that curtain.

Oh, right? It's a heavy curtain, too. It's a heavy curtain. And some guy with, like, one of those, like, walkie-talkie things with a mouthpiece, he kind of covers his mouthpiece. He turns to me and goes, don't worry about it, kid. Only 16 million people are watching. what a dick right and then all of a sudden here anyway this next comic come to the stage and when you come to

moments like that in your life you either go I got to hit it or you you let the occasion get you for a split second I just went fuck you I'm gonna do it I didn't say that to him in my head of course you I'm gonna do it fuck you dude yeah I'm gonna do it right and I walked out there and I just remember just seeing lies And it's also way smaller than people think it is. It's not as daunting when you're out there. Right. And then I remember, like, doing jokes, getting laughs, looking at my brother. My brother had a skateboard like this.

And he had this, like, smile, but like this nervous smile. Then I finished, and then Jay called me over the couch. So I go, oh, this is a good thing. So did he do the car somewhere if he calls you to the couch? It means you did well. Yeah, but it doesn't really, it didn't do anything for my career, really. You never asked back? They did ask me back.

but I just didn't do it again because I just didn't like the I just the fear of it I hated it also the editing and like you know you can't say that you can't say this I didn't like that

and then the next day my dad called me crying come on yeah and he goes oh me mommy I we saw last night on Leno I go oh yeah

cool dad and he goes I'm so sorry I didn't support you you know I mean he starts crying right and there was a

moment where I was going I wanted to go that's right fuck you you know but I go oh dad don't you know because I'm a good person I said don't dad you know don't cry you know that kind of thing but yeah he was really felt guilty about it wow yeah that's that's powerful well is it yeah because my dad he there was one of those moments right when I ever talked to him again and I said but and I remember he just sent me a picture like six months later and we hadn't talked and it was just a picture and it said it was me of my bar mitzvah with my dad and he was just holding me in the picture and he just put if you ever think i don't love you look at this picture that was then you couldn't say it with his words i did cry i think i cried

it was a nice moment yeah we're just so such different people i don't think i don't think so no i don't think so but then fast forward i remember you telling the storm we did kicking at old school and your father was so upset with the movie that he called from the theater yeah um it aired in because my parents live in Phoenix now and they went to a theater by their house. It was opening night on a Friday, 8 p.m. show and he calls me and

I go, yeah, dad, he goes, there's nobody here. And guess what? They didn't play it. They didn't play the movie? Yeah, they came out to my parents. They're the only ones in then. They said, we're not going to play the movie. It's a waste of time. We're losing money here. Yeah, yeah. I've never heard

of that before. So my parents go, okay, and they got back on the car and door, and they've never seen the movie since. Are you happy about it? I mean, I just think that if you're going to play it, play the movie. By the way, we had fun, didn't we? It was probably the best. We had so much fun.

Human experience in terms of working I've ever had. Yeah, me too. I met you on that. I got closer to Jamie on that. Jamie was great. And, yeah, it was a fun, you know, it was so funny because I remember this is exactly when a video game came out called

Oblivion. It's Elder Scrolls Oblivion. And I remember buying an Xbox in Vancouver and I remember for four days because I had like four days off. And they're like, you want to fly back to L.A.? I go, no. And I remember never I didn't leave the Sutton at all. I had room service the whole time and I just never left. Heaven. It was heaven.

The shades were down. Oh, God. Yeah, we had a good time. And I thought that was going to be like, oh, this is going to happen more often. Like, that was like, can I just say this? Yeah. Out of all the movies ever done, that was the longest I've ever worked. What do you mean the longest? Because like if I, when I did The Dictator, I was there for four days.

Yeah. Then I did Reese shoots a month later. When I did Harold and Kumar, or even it was the recent movie. Even I just did a movie, Keeping Up with the Joneses. So you're a day player, is what you're saying. Yeah. And I did four days on that. I mean, I did my scene with John Hamm and Zach, but, you know, it was fun.

You know, you go, you shoot for three or four days, and then you're back on a plane and back. Yeah. This is when you felt like you're really part of something. That I felt, I'm part of because I was there for so long and I had to take dancing classes. And it was amazing. I feel like now I'm at the age where I feel like, oh, my friends start hiring me now. Like, I don't even know why I have an agent sometimes. I'm like, my buddy Dax will go, hey, you want to do this part in the movie?

Sure. Yeah. My buddy James goes, hey, you want to be in a movie. gardens so i'm like yeah and i'll do a day or two here and it's just sort of like i get work from my friends yeah that's the way it's supposed to work that's what i think because even with you like i you know i want you to do stand-up i wanted you to do this podcast i want you to really all happened with you and harland i was doing your podcast yeah you put me on the spot and said you're fucking doing stand-up and it's the most terrifying fucking thing i've talked about that but it's

yeah but still it's like you look at certain people and you go and people that you love and you go, I think that they're missing an opportunity. And I think the opportunity is, like I said, don't expect anything from it, but it gives you a different muscle that you normally wouldn't have. And I just think that with you,

I think Will Saso has the same thing, although he won't do it. Why won't he do it? He's afraid, I think. It is absolutely fucking terrifying to do it. I can only assume it would be in your case because you have already a reputation when you're an unknown guy

you work at Blockbuster or whatever Best Buy and you're like I want to try it no one knows me that's one thing because when you bomb you bomb in front of people that don't know who you are and also you're in a small town or whatever but you're starting in L.A.

And you're also doing the kind of shows you're doing like are the big ones. Well that's what's terrifying I'm going up with guys like He were Swartson or Harlan or Joe Rogan and Appetal and them in the middle and they're like, and you can't tell everybody, hey, guys, I just want you to know that I just started. You don't fucking do that. You just go out and go, I just got to hold my own.

It's like what you said on the Leno thing. You just got to say, shit your pants or dive in. That's a big, you're already elevated into like a headliner kind of a status. Yeah. Which is very difficult, I think. But you're doing it, so whatever. I'm fucking doing it. But you've told me some horror stories.

You've told me. I've had so many horror stories. I mean, the one that you told me the other night. I was just like, well, you actually cried. Oh, yeah. You cried on stage. I cried on stage, yeah. When I first decided with my manager, Abby, she goes, I'm going to have the world see you.

This is before the tonight show. I go, okay, she's like, I'm calling everyone I know to see you. So she shut me up at a showcase at the improv, but at that time on Monday nights, it was Freaky Monday, which is an urban night, all black comics, which is fine. How many people? I mean, you know the improv, a couple hundred to, two, three hundred

people, but, so the last row were basically Montreal, all these agencies, all these people that wanted to see me, some production companies, and then the rest was just the people that came to the show. And I had

these, right before I went up, I had these two black kids who were hip-hop artists, but they're like nine. And they're on stage, and they're crushing. Like, people are up on their feet dancing. And I'm on the side going, this is this kind of backfire on me? This doesn't seem right.

So then the host goes up there and goes, all right, give it up for it. I forgot what their names were. I blocked it out. The coach goes, the Johnson brothers. And the place goes crazy. And then the two kids wouldn't leave the stage. They stayed on the stage with you when you walked out there.

Well, they stayed on the stage. And he, like an idiot, this host, goes, well, you ain't going to leave? They're like, nah. And the audience is like, no. Right? He goes, I'm going to bring the next comic up anyway. And he goes, this next Asian brother, as soon as I stepped on stage, you can feel hostility. As soon as I open my mouth, the kids in the back, they just start dancing.

you know what I mean showing you up showing to show me up and then I can see immediately that I'm really bombing but to the point where it's life altering I've never bombed that hard to the point where they were like yelling what are they saying I don't remember but yeah yeah that kind of and I'm like because I knew Montreal was there comedy festival and I knew that it was kind of over so then my body just went cry and I just tears I'm still talking but tears are coming down the face

You're at the improv on stage and tears are coming down your face in front of all these people Yeah my friend Jonathan was there to support me Got sick Was he still your friend? Yeah he moved but yeah I love him But tears are coming down And I just remember walking on

I didn't say good night At two minutes I did I was supposed to do like 10 minutes or whatever I walked off stage and Jonathan was there by the door and he hugs me and I walk out with him and I think I said

I think I'm going to kill myself I love how you go to like the darkest place ever I felt that way I felt that way yeah I don't want to live till this day I haven't been to Montreal I think that that affected me that much

and that was 17 years ago till this day it's affected me that one moment in time. That is insane. It's insane. I've lived with that for 17 fucking years. If it would happen to be now, I have the skills to survive it, right?

And also the emotional maturity to go, oh, this is not your night. Just fine. Everyone understands. But at that time, I was so green. When did you get back on stage after that? The next night. That's not the point.

But that's the one thing that I know about myself, which is a good thing, which is that I still have the balls. and the bravery to go, you know what, I'm going to do it again. I mean, so I obviously didn't quit. Because you did this, you audition for a show that I did that I wanted you to audition for.

Remember? Yeah, I did. It was canceled. It only last two seasons. But I wanted you to come in for it. Yeah, I tested for it. Yeah, and you thought you did horribly. It wasn't like that because un-pastured,

I don't have feelings of that. I have not had a single feeling of that. Right. I just say that to you, I don't think it was the best audition. But, yeah, I don't have a single. You hate auditioning, though. Yeah, I find them to be dreadful, yeah.

But don't you think getting an offer is worse? Well, this pilot, the show that I just got picked up was like that. Where I was just driving down the street and they go, you got an ABC pilot. And I go, how? I don't know. They just offered it to you. Splitting up, ABC. Splitting up together.

Splitting up together. Oliver Hudson. And Jenna Fisher, yeah. And you didn't audition. See, the thing is, auditioning sometimes is better even though. We hate it. Yes. Because if you get it and you don't audition when you go on set and you're doing it,

and they're like, that's not, he's doing it completely wrong. That's what happened. I think that's what happened with that Natasha thing, another period, where they offered it to me. I showed up and I go, I don't, the material is just so different than I'm used to. I like dialogue that's like, you're in the streets or whatever I'm playing, but I can't do historical or play a pirate or anything like that. I think you could play a pirate. Maybe. but um so when i got splitting up together they did a dinner to meet me and oliver and jenna were there

and all the kids that are in the show that was fine but then two days later i had a table read for the network in the studio worst and i remember if it was my manager or my agent and they said don't fuck this up this is your audition i thought i don't have that i know they go you can get You can get fired from a table read. And so I did a pre-table read. I think they did it just for me. Sure. And it was the worst table read I've ever had.

But they gave you direction and then you were better for the read. Not even that. What I was giving my self-notes. I know how to like divide the lines up with symbols. I do lines. Do you hate memorizing lines? Yeah, I mean, I can do it. But the best job I've ever had was curvy enthusiasm because, you know, when you do it,

you know, obviously you're doing it. That's how Jeff Garland got me that and the audition. And that's how Allison Jones really kind of began to like me is I walked in there and my audition was with Larry. I screen tested with them. I screen tested, but they taped it. Right. And I was in my zone. I mean, I can do that because it's all about listening.

and I know that, you know, I can improvise. But, you know, lines are fine. I can do them. I can do lines. I can act. I mean, I mean, I love it when they go. Just have one take on your own. Just do your own take.

Yeah, always. That's always fun. That's always fun. Let me do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, Kalila. That's your girl. Yeah.

How long have you been together? Four years. I was just on your Tiger Belly show. You did a great job. But you guys are really good together. I'm not just saying. that but you now i'm curious about your relationships with women are they usually i mean this one seems to be working really well are they usually volatile so the prime reason why i did comedy in the

first place is to meet women you just want to get pussy yeah well of course so i was 23 with the first time i really had any girl before that were all prostitutes how many Hundreds. But sex? No butt sex. Okay. You don't like that? I still don't do that.

I've never done it? I have. But you don't like it? Okay. Okay. Keep going. 23 prostitans. So I remember when Princess Diana died, maybe I was 24, but Princess Diana died, being a dormant at the store on a Friday, you can host one of them.

So I hosted one of the shows. And there was this girl, this beautiful white chick in the front row. And she was, like, very emotional. Like, you could tell that the Princess Diana thing tore up. So at the end of the show, I don't know why I did this. And I just walked up to her. I said, people were walking out. And I just put my hand on her back.

And I go, I'm sorry, you know, that Princess Diana died. But, you know, you'll see another day tomorrow. And you seem like a nice person. I just try to give her a nice compliment. Were you just doing that to be nice? Yeah, because when I look at white chicks that hot back then, I was like, there's no way. It's not even a possibility.

So just this is, just as compassion. I'll give you an example. It's like me having sex with Natalie Portman now. To me, that's not a possibility. That's how I felt with just women in general back then. Like, it's not even an option. So what happened? So you patted this girl on the back.

And then she just laughed. She left. Right. So then we had a second show that somebody else hosted. And then at around one in the morning, I'm closing up, and the phone rings at the comedy store. And Fred Burns, the manager goes, Ellie. you got a message he got somebody on the phone and I go to the phone

I go she goes hi I'm Jennifer I was that girl that you padded you padded and said that weird little thing at the end oh yeah yeah so you want to hang out come on and I'm nearly my dick was hard right on the conversation not just a hard it was glowing

a glowing penis a radiant penis it was reborn like a phoenix a phoenix yeah the rebirth of your penis if you saw it would just be like in flames And how long before you showed her your flaming penis? Well, so then I went and I took her to coffee. And then she lived at her mom's house. And then I went to a dinner maybe three or four days after that.

But then the next week, I was in her closet doing 69. Why in her closet? Because her mom was home. So I was doing 69 with her, which I'd never done before with a girl. Wow. Was she a short girl or a tall girl? She was tall. She was a...

She looked like Jennifer Lawrence at the time. Just a healthy, American, white. And imagine being, you know, I look like one of those trolled towards with the hair. You're too hard on yourself. I think you're very cute, handsome. Anyway, thank you. Yeah. And then I remember doing that going, you know, I had her cheek, a little white Kate Blanched cheeks in my hands.

The butt cheeks, yeah. The butt cheeks. I was spreading it, you know. I was getting in there. Wait, man. You ate her ass. Yeah, I do all that. Oh, I've never done that.

Yeah, and I was going, I can't believe it. While you're doing it? Yeah, I couldn't believe it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're eating her ass and saying, oh, they can't believe this. Not hourly. I'm like Nixon. I'm not a crook.

I pulled it Nixon. Yeah. What a treat. There, yeah. And so from there, that's when you got the confidence. Now I got confidence. I'm funny. That's not even why she liked you.

She just, you were compassionate. Yeah, and then things like that would happen, like, I did this casino, like a year after that in Fresno and a old cocktail waitress, a blonde. She was like, old, older. How old? I don't even remember. Don't say it because it's probably my age, our age now. And she's like, hey, you're cute. And that was it.

And I remember being in her house doing the same thing with her cheeks in the closet. I can't believe I'm here, I'm not a crook. Then later, years later, when I'm single, I'll try anything. So I remember being in Sacramento at the punchline. And I was with Kevin Christie. You know Kevin? No. And at the end of the show, this 60-year-old lady comes out to me.

And she goes, she gives me her hand as like a handshake. Like it's a politician or something. She goes, sir, very funny. So I was like grabbing her hand. I could feel there was something in my hand. It was a note. It was a note. And what it'd say?

Hey, if you ever want to have drinks or whatever. And so I go up to Kevin, I go, this old lady, she thinks, he's like, you should try it. I go, what do you mean? Well, who knows? I go, she's a grandmother. He's like, yeah, but try it. So I go, okay. So I called her.

And then the next thing I know, another. No, I was in a Bronco. Her Bronco, it was during the day I remember. And I had her titty out, you know, and I'm... Was it nice? Was it nice? Yeah, it was nice. She had her boobs done.

Sure. And there was, like, toys from her grandkids all over the Bronco. So I'm slipping on the toys with her titty out. And I just go, you know, but no, Kalila. Yeah. That's how we ease into Kalila. But then, now that was years ago, but then I'm, you know, When Tinder came out, I was like, this is the best thing ever.

Tinder was the best when I first came out. I never was on Tinder. It was the best invention. Because my problem is this is I can never sense if somebody likes me. Who can. Right. And I don't like rejection. But on Tinder, if you match, they already like you.

Right. You know, I'd have to sell them on my looks. And then you would go, oh my God, I just matched up with the hottest chicken. What kind of pictures are you? you putting in there by the way were you putting like oh my i want to look as bad as possible i don't want to look like oh because when they meet you you're like oh maybe you're better looking at per you try to look as great as you can bob i had a system man i put my really good head shots as my fucking thing your head shots yeah but the really good ones no not that one not that one not that one not the ones

that are like pro pro right then the four other message that's false advertising that's just fucking me bro that's no but check this out what i do you have to you have to paint a picture But then you destroy it You don't destroy it Because you're gonna They don't know what you're like Oh your personality jumps in

Yeah my personality is my fucking weapon Smart Right But the next ones Are with like Your friends that are cool But not in like Let me get a selfie at a restaurant

Where it's obviously You're like canoeing Right You're canoeing with like a famous person Like who Who are you canoeing Um, like, I think I did a photo, like, just me and Eric Stone Street hanging out at, like, his house. Like, those kind of words, like, if she sees me with him, now she'd have a better chance.

No, but all of them are like that. Right. Oh, like, me with Elijah Wood, you know what I mean? In a forest. You know, where else would you be with Elijah? No, like, no, I had literally one was with me and Dominic Monaghan having a meal. Sure. Right.

Because I want people to know that I know Hobbit. Right. And so then they go, holy fuck, this guy, even if they don't know who I am, they go, this is a pro photo. He knows Dominic Monaghan. He eats with him. He skis with, you know, so-and-so. And then when you meet them, that's when you put your magic on it. It works.

And I did that with Kalilat. And she fell in love with you right away? No. It took time? You had to really work out? It took me a month and a half. And then when I was in her house in Long Beach, no. No.

That's when I would like, we were like kind of like making out and stuff. And then she fucking takes her fist and she punches me in the face. And she goes, tell me you want to kill me. And I fell in love. Stop it. Right now. That's what she said. That's a lie.

It's not a lie. Fuck you. She didn't punch you in the face. She punches me in the face. Closed fists. Yes. And tells me, tell me you want to kill me. Did you tell her that?

Yeah. hand on her neck like that and I squeezed it I go I want to kill you and then and I go let me just stick the tip in you know how you do that move from the heights I've heard of it yeah so did you put the tip yeah yeah and she goes but don't stick it all you know that kind of game and I can't believe I'm saying all that stuff because the thing is this is this is that you think if I say stuff like that that's gonna get me kicked off this pilot this show I'm on I always have that fear because Because they already vetted me, right? They already know I talk about stuff like that.

See, this is what I wanted to get to. From the beginning of this conversation, I started feeling like, is this a new Bobby? Is this the rebirth? Is he now going to not show his dick so much? Is he going to not be, is he changing? And I thought, is that what he's getting at? Like, he's not going to put his dick in my fucking hummus? I'm not doing that.

I don't ask you to. I'm just saying. I'm not asking you to put you. You're doing that as like what magicians do. No, no, no. I'm saying. You did your hand like a magician and then like a magician and then like a, I'll, All of a sudden I'm doing it.

I'm saying that in the beginning it sounded like you're not doing that stuff anymore. Yeah. Here's why I am. I'm proud of you, by the way. I think it's great. Because what happened was... You are changing. I'm going to tell you what happened.

As you get in trouble with the law? The law. Well, I don't know. Last year, I get a call going, you got a commercial campaign with Jordan Peel, Chelsea Peretti, and Jane Lynch. Yeah. And Keegan. Right. And I go, oh, and it was for a lot of money.

How much? I don't want to say it. I'll say it off air. Okay. And they go, you're doing it. And I go, cool. But then at the same time, I was getting emails because of Tiger Belly from an African-American woman extorting money from me. She was like, you said this about black people. And I go, because you have to put it in context, though.

I did an episode with Asa Akira, who's a porn star, and she's a friend of mine. and we did an hour on Asians. We talked about the Vietnamese, the Japanese, the Japanese, Filipinos. You talk about everybody. Right. And we did one episode about Mexicans. And then I said one thing.

And I'll say it now. I said that black people were sometimes oily. And I don't know what even that means. Right. That's all I said. Sometimes Jews are oily. Right. I'm oily right now.

I know you are. This interview, this conversation's making me oily. Yeah. And so then she goes, I'm going to blast this out, as if I didn't say it already on my podcast. But I'm going to go to every media outlet if you don't send me $15,000. Did you send it to her? No.

Of course not. It's fucking blackmail and extortion. Right. So now I'm on set. I'm doing a scene with Jane Lynch. I'm on our bed. I've seen that. You make out with her.

So I'm laying there, and then these two lawyers come back to me and they go, can we pull you up to the side? Come on. Yeah. We just want to let you know that you've got to, complaint from this lady who said you said this says something racist or whatever and literally you have no idea oh literally i i i could have cried blood i was so angry like you could just it was like but i was like just wanted to say i don't know what you're talking about they go yeah we don't even know either i go yeah what do you and they go even if you had said that we already vetted you

so we already know all the things you've said so we just won't let you know that it's cool so then that next day I call everyone my lawyer everybody and we sent her letters just like stop this yeah but ever since then like I've been editing and stuff so you're scared from that one thing you said you're sort of altering or changing

some things that you do normally yeah I'm not So I'm not going to probably see your penis as much as I used to. Well, you're not going to see it for a long time. How long? I have pictures. At least 10 days. I could hold out. Yeah.

Let me just see how this thing goes. I mean, for me, also here's another thing is that sometimes I'll play a comedy club for the first time. And I go, wow, you're nothing like what we thought you were going to be like. And I go, what do you mean? And you're actually like coherent and nice. what's my reputation that you're going to burn the club on fire Jesus like that's like some people think that I'm that crazy that I would that I'm almost impossible to work with which is

It's an opposite it's called an act so those all those little things and then also Turning 45 you're kind of like how long can you you know so I'm just like I'm gonna just do my thing and then we'll see you know so the last time I saw your dick could have been the last time yeah okay but you have a good memory. I have pictures. You have pictures. So just describe to everyone what it looks like. Yeah, it's not bad. I think you used to say what does it look like. Is it kind of blue or something? It's purple. Purple. So I'm colored blind. I am actually. You are? Yeah. I'm not kidding around. I don't care. Well, I am colorblind. That's fine. But it is. To say blue, you believe me that I saw it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Why is it purple?

It looks dead. Why? Why? Because it might be. Are you the one of the few people that have a purple penis? No, here's what it is. Is it a genetic thing? I'm just going to describe to people what it is. Everyone knows the movie E.T. Yeah. Everyone knows when he was sick in the river.

Do you remember? I too. Yeah, pale. Yeah, flowers were dying. Yeah. He had no more of a glow on his pinky or finger. Right. That's what it looks like.

Bobby, I really appreciate you allowing me to be inside of you today. Is it that end? It doesn't have to be. I mean, so we did an hour. I have so much more. I just love these stories. I can go on for fucking ever. I mean, I was going to read your freaking tweets.

My nutsack was hanging out of a hole in my jeans during my interview with Rover Radio. How embarrassing? Yeah, it's very embarrassing. Oh, I did Rover Radio a couple of days ago. I was in Cleveland. Yeah. And I was really upset because they have this leather couch, this white leather couch. And one time I just did my interview naked on it, and I left a brown streak.

And they'd never cleaned it. So other guests would sit on this brown streak. But then I hadn't been there in a couple years. And I looked at it, it was pretty much faded. It made me sad. The faded shit. Yeah. The old faded shit.

I don't really cut it out and just re-opulster it and then just, like, frame it. congratulations on this was good to be back in your house let me this is this is a lot of fun you've had great parties there yeah you're really busy I mean you're a busy guy I mean it's hard to get a hold of you you're more you're no I'm just flaky you're elusive yeah I mean

here's the thing here's you are I want to see this Mike right is you think I wish I was more like you in that way I'm just so like I can't lie to people people text me I text right back but I know you you are flaky but no I'm not flaky here's what it is is I only respond to in importance to like seriousness

so if it's like my mom dad is in the hospital again that I'll respond to so you're saying that if I called you and I said hey my house just fell on me no no but your texts are like how's your asshole not exactly but something like yeah yeah yeah but in that well that's just humor I know it's a humor

it's like it's me reaching out for a friend yeah so I'll go I'm going to text later back and then I never forget no you know here's that Here's the thing, though. Here's the thing is that I am known to be like that, but it's not a personal thing. I'm not upset with it. No, I'm just going to say something that I, it is something that I want to get better at. But the great thing is you gave me Kalila's number and her email, and that got you here.

Well, I mean, I'm going to say to this is that that is the only way I'm anywhere because she is the one that goes, you have to go do it. I go, okay, I need that. Do you have a calendar? No. You don't have a calendar? I have no idea. I know that I have to go to Seattle tomorrow, but I just found that out. Bobby, where do you want to be, honest to God, like, in the next 10 years?

Let's say you're 55 years old. This is what I want. I really want to know. I want this show splitting up together to last for eight years. You want to last eight years so you can be rich. So I can just make some money, right? And then I'll do my podcast still. I'll do on the road.

And then at that point, I'll be 55. And I'm like, I could retire soon. So let me ask you this. Is that really truthful? When you're 55 and you have money and fame and you're like, hey, I can retire, you're going to retire. No, I would stay in L.A. I will always stay in L.A. I will always try to get spots in L.A.

I don't want to compete. But still, it's like, you know, since Mad TV, yeah, I did animal practice, got canceled. I worked. I do the road. I make money. But I've never been in a position where I was like, oh, I'm going to be. take two years off most people aren't in that position don't look at some people are like that don't let me ask you something yes could you take two years off could i not make a dime look look no look at me right

now and then not make a dime yes there we go i'm being honest i can but that doesn't mean that it's not going to hurt me i can i live forever will i be will i have the great life that's want that security two years yes would i have to change some things but yeah i mean i guess i could do it for two years well there you Yeah, if I lived in like al-a-hambra in a one-bedroom. Rob, could you last two years without working? No. A year. Maybe, yeah.

Yeah. How did you make money before this, though? He makes good money, actually. Right now, as a photographer? No, no, he does other things. I work at a creative agency. What's it called? Strikepoint.

And what are you creative agency? It's like talent? No, like branding websites. Oh, and that's what you do? You know, the thing I know about you is, I don't know you well, but I always feel like you're very proactive. He is. If it wasn't for him, I met him at your Irvine show doing comedy. Yeah, I remember.

And he says, hey, man, I'm a photographer, take some pictures. You probably need a website, man. You probably need a real man. You should do a podcast, dude. I mean, I was going to do anything. Yeah. And there you go. That's great.

So then that worked out. Yeah. We'll cut this whole last section out. No, why? I'm just kidding. It's a joke. Where's that lady at? That's my assistant.

Jess, she's in the back with my dog who's been barking. You have an assistant? I do have an assistant helps me because... She lives here? Well, because when I...

Does she live here? She does not live here. That'd be weird. But when I went off to do my show that was canceled and passed her, she would stay with my dog for four or five months and I just need somebody to talk to. Were you bummed when that got canceled?

I love the people, but I wasn't really bummed. I'm someone who like, the thought of getting a show is great and then when you're on it, I'm like, what's the next thing? I'm weird like that. Like, the thought of doing something

for eight years I did that it's a lot be careful what you wish for I mean if I mean you know you want to do something yeah but then what's the other what's the other thing that could happen like if you're on a show you haven't done a show for eight yeah you did you did man TV yeah but still that was my first thing yeah you know well I just I did a one hour drama and it was awesome and I'm thankful it was all it's great great but do I want to do another one hour drama it's it's it's especially if it's out of the country I'm staying in californ oh you got shot in Canada yeah Vancouver was it fun we had fun are you still with that girl that you met on the camp this is not called inside of michael rosenbaum i know but i'm just going to ask you something is that she live here

she's cool yeah no i like her oh you don't want you don't want to get that you're going to cut this part out no i didn't say i was going to cut it out i said i was going to cut out robs which i don't no i'm trying to get a little bit more into the can so that he'll be it's impossible to cut in my see what i'm doing yeah but that's going well it is going well it's hard for me i'm like a difficult I'm dysfunctional I my mom was kind of out there took the center of attention was she having affairs I don't know maybe she was maybe she was I don't want to talk about that right now my dad had a lot of problems there wasn't a lot of affection I was somewhere lost in the middle connections with people I feel like they're going to really good to be here they're going to

thank you so much for having me on thank you so much for having me on all right you're not going to put your dig in the hummus are you Hi, I'm Joe Sal C. Hi, host of the stacking Benjamins podcast. Today, we're going to talk about what if you came across $50,000. What would you do? Put it into a tax-advantaged retirement account. The mortgage. That's what we do. Make a down payment on a home. Something nice. Buying a vehicle. A separate bucket for this edition that we're adding. $50,000, I'll buy a new podcast. You'll buy new friends. And we're done. Thanks for playing, everybody.

We're out of here. Stacky Benjamin's, follow and listen on your favorite platform.