Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum - Ethan Suplee: Recovery & Learning to Love Yourself

Episode Date: July 20, 2021

Amazing show this week. We have an inspirational and open guest on the podcast with Ethan Suplee (My Name is Earl, The Wolf of Wall Street). Ethan and I discuss his troubled experience with how he perceived his body throughout his life and the catalyst that drove the incredible weight loss transformation that turned him into who he is today. We also get into his experience with drug addiction and rehab, his work in learning to love himself despite his habitual disgust, and his almost unbelievable start in this industry as an actor. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hooray! Hooray! Array! Array! The Conjuring, last rights, only in theater September 5th. You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum. First, I want to say thanks for listening.

We've got a great guest, Ethan Sopley, today, been in everything. We'll get to that in just a moment. I'll make this brief. But I want to thank everybody out there for thanking me and wishing me happy thoughts on my birthday and also having surgery. I had a little back surgery. First, happy birthday. Thank you for the happy birthday.

Happy belated birthday. Thank you, my friend. The back is doing better. Good. You know, it's three weeks out. So thank you everyone for worrying about me or thinking about it. about me. So that's all I'll say about that. And hey, if you enjoy this podcast today, if you're here for Ethan Soplee and you're interested, hopefully we'll stick around. We've got

a lot of great guests coming. We've had a lot of great guests in the past. Hopefully, you'll subscribe and you'll give it a listen and give it a chance. And that's how we get more listeners. Hopefully you're here for Ethan, but you stick around for little old me. Ryan, it's at Inside of You Podcast on Instagram and Facebook to follow us. At Inside of You pod on the Twitter. I'd appreciate you. writing a review on Apple and listening, watching, subscribing, telling everybody, you know. Also, we'll talk about it at the end of the show, but I talk about my wonderful Patreon. You can join the family that supports the podcast even more.

It really helps it out. You'd be surprised by how much it helps out, but that's patreon.com slash inside of you. And you could be part of my family and I'll give you a text to a message after you join. Also, we have some two stage at shows, July 31st, my band, Sunspin. You go to Sunspin.com and get all the information for the band merch, buy Zooms and talk to me and get tickets for the concert on July 31st. We're playing two shows. It's always a lot of fun. You can also go to the inside-of-you store and get Lex Luthor stuff, small the lunchboxes, Lex Luthor shirts, inside of you mugs, the list goes on.

And sunspin.com, you get all the merch and everything you want there. Also, I will be at DragonCon in Atlanta at September 4th weekend with Tom Welling. We're going to probably do a smallville nights, I think. I'm not sure yet. Lexington ComicCon.com, September 9th through the 12th and West Virginia Mountaineer ComicCon.com. You can go to September 24th weekend. I'll be there. There's other ones as well.

So just follow me on the socials right now. Ethan Soupley is the guest today. He talks about everything, his heroin addiction, how he had to go to, rehab, how his wife helped him love life, make life matter, if you will, how he dropped out of school, how he nailed his first audition, and so much more. This guy's an inspiration. I love him dearly. Let's get inside of Ethan Soply. It's my point of you. You're listening to inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum. Inside of You, Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum. Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum was not recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Well, you know, look, dude, I haven't seen you in quite a while. And I know we were kind of friends, we were friends, you know, like more acquaintances, but like not close friends. But back in the days when I would hang out with, you know, at Leo's house, name drop, total name drop right there. But, and I remember it was just a good time. And he was a great guy. You were always so pleasant and so sweet.

So, and I remember something funny because I have a video of you and Jay Ferguson. blue truck and we're singing sting and you're singing it in one car and i'm singing it in the other car oh wow do you remember that song god i just been on my mind this was the 90s this was these were the 90s how would i remember 20 years ago yeah but i remember it i remember and i remember just uh enjoying your presence and then seeing your whole metamorphosis or whatever you're just evolution has been just fucking like what the like it's just incredible and i know that Every podcast you do, and I know you have your podcast, American Glutton Podcast, which in California, you think they should have an American Gluten Podcast. They probably do.

But by the way, so what do you do on the podcast, an American Glutton podcast? It's really, you know, another guy who you will remember from back then, Kevin Connolly. We were going to Japan like maybe 10 years ago, and we got on the plane and he was like, what the hell are you going to do for 14 hours? And I said, I'm going to listen to this Dan Carlin podcast about, you know, the history of the Mongols or something, whatever it was, some series where you got 14 hours of content from Dan Carlin, who's like the god of history.

And he was like, what's a podcast? So I showed him. He downloaded the app. He didn't sleep on the plane. He listened to the whole thing straight through. We landed in Japan. And then the entire trip we were on, he was consumed with podcasts and just like couldn't believe that this existed

and that people were just talking and having conversations. And so he became kind of obsessed and he created this podcasting studio called the Action Park Media. And he, before they launched, he was kind of saying to me, you have to come do a podcast. he wanted me to do one about politics because I'm very much a contrarian and I kind of overtly despise all politicians

so no matter what anybody's happy about in politics I'll just try to rain shit down on it and I said to him there is no way that I'm going to do that it's such like a not-a-thing to do because I can have that conversation with you but it's not a public conversation, It's not anything I'm interested in talking about publicly. And he was like, come on, push.

Like, one day I woke up when he was asking me, and I was like, oh, I can fully talk about health and fitness because I've done that. And a lot of the way I look at it is very analogous to how I look at politics or philosophy or any of these things. So we talk about health and fitness. But if anybody wants to, like, live. listen to it. And you can very easily figure out that I am just not interested in the political system that we have. Right. And also, there's enough shows about politics. And when you're

talking about health and life, and in my show, we talk about anxiety and facing adversity and this and that. And it's something that some people can relate to. And politics is just something that everybody just starts arguing about and everybody has their own opinion. And health is something, you know, health is something that's universal and that I think anybody could listen to. So it just makes more sense. I think you'd be, you're probably happier than you would be if you were doing a political podcast. Yeah. I mean, I would, yes, for sure, because I, you know, it's, I don't think it's fun. I think it's a fun conversation to have with somebody who you know at the end of it, even if they get mad at you, they're not going to, like, write you off as a bad person.

Right. Right. Right. Right. I can't do that with, with, with, I don't think anybody can. Like, I think it's a divide that's set that once you're on whatever line you're on, and I don't even believe in the left-right line so much, but just like whatever team, somebody associates you with some team, and if that's not your team, fuck you. You don't listen. So it's like, it's just not a, and to your point, like, it's the most over-discussed thing in America. Since Biden got elected, I just have turned off the TV. I'm like, okay. I mean I turned off the TV many years ago I think the last time I voted

was Obama the first round and then I became so disillusioned by him and his foreign policy that I was just like I'm done I quit I'm no longer interested in American biology you start to think does it matter anymore does it really matter what I say or what I do and how much breath am I wasting exactly and I'm not what am I'm not trying to convince anybody

of anything right you know you just get tired of All right, you know, on this podcast, I talk, you know, right now, this is called How You Doin? It's a mental health moment. So how are you right now? How are you mentally, physically, and what are you doing right now to kind of keep positive? Yeah, so I'm in Mexico. I have four kids. They all go to school in other states, so I don't see them a lot.

And then we had this awful thing, the pandemic. So they all came home and it was like Christmas Groundhogs Day of Christmas over and over where it's like they're all here. This is kind of fun. And then, you know, and then you get sick of them at some point. And you're kind of like, I wish they'd go back to school. But none of the schools are open. But having spent the last year so in such tight family mode, it's very rough to be.

away from them. And so I'm trying just to concentrate on work. And it's also proven quite difficult to adhere to my nutrition plan 100% for a hotel. And I have a little kitchenette in my hotel. And that's super helpful. But it's not nearly as convenient. It's not a full kitchen. And, you know, like I walk to the grocery store basically every morning before work and buy food.

and then make sure I have food to take to work with me because I just don't trust set food. Wow. So that's what that's how I'm doing right now. So you're a little anxious. There's some anxiety there. You miss your family. You miss your wife. You miss the kids.

You're in a different country. You're trying to work. You're trying to have the same regimen that you've been doing for a while that's kept you in this great shape, this new person that you've become. So that's stressful because you want to maintain that. You don't want to get off the wagon, right? Yeah. There's a fair amount of anxiety.

right now for sure and so it's important for you to keep your workout if you stop working out if you stop doing these things that's probably going to come back yeah the workouts are key and then we'll have night shoots which kind of decimate the workout because uh you know you've just been up all night and so like leading up to the night shoot like the night before the night or the day before the night shoot i'll get um my workout will be perfect and then night shoots start and it just is like almost too hard to go to the gym before work the next day, especially if your turnaround is squeezed.

I don't want to work out. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do. I just want to eat and go to bed. I don't, it's easy to jump into that. I want room service, and I want to turn on HBO Max and, you know, or Netflix or something and relax.

And it's okay to do that once or twice, but if you continue to do it and get into habit, that's where the bad habits again start. That's right. Well, you know, everybody knows you. I mean, look, if you don't know him, you've seen him in everything. American History X, remember the Titans, Wolf of Wall Street without a paddle. We worked with our buddies, Dax, and Kevin Smith films, and my name is Earl, and it just goes on and on.

You've been working so long. But if you go back to, you know, I think, I always think it's interesting to, you know, because my family, I always talk about the dysfunction and how it happened, how I became an actor. And, you know, people know that who listen. But for you, what was it like growing up in your household? because I read that your parents met in Somersstock Theater, and so they were actors. And so you grew up with two actors, right? Well, they quit acting when I came along.

They met in Somerstock. They toured with shows. My mom was on Broadway. And then I think it was a decision where they sat down when she was pregnant with me and were just like, this is not a conducive lifestyle. to have kids and they were both actors. I don't know how and I'm sorry if you're significant other, if you have one.

I don't, I'm alone. I'm alone. Okay, good. I'm very alone. I don't understand two actors in a relationship. Like, it just doesn't, the relationships that I've been aware of where that's the, that's the dynamic, they don't seem to be cohesive. And then I think about like Ed Harris,

I guess he's got a solid long-term thing with... Dax and Kristen seem to be solid. Yeah, so there are examples, certainly. They're rare, they're rare. Yeah, and my parents kind of recognize that, and they weren't doing movies. It was all theater, but they would tour. And so one would be off on a tour with one play,

and the other would be either in New York or on some other tour. And, you know, they just, they opted out. But, so, but I was raised with plays and I had cats named Stanley and Stella growing up and like, you know, right, right, right. I mean, what did they just decide when you were born, like, we're not going to act so they got real jobs and what were those jobs and how did they support you? My dad is a painting contractor and my mom ran that business. And they've been running that business since you were a kid? Yep. Do you talk to them about projects?

You're going to do it maybe at your house? Did you ask for their input? I mean, I tell them when there's stuff. I think there's a lot of anxiety about work as an actor, as you would know. And so I remember when I was first starting out and I had gotten this job and I was thrilled about it. And my dad said, you know, you're only as good as your next job. And it was just kind of like, fuck, great. Okay, well, that's, I don't have a next job.

So I'm not, I'm worthless. so there is definitely something and then about you know stuff falls through and and stuff falls apart you know financing goes away so I I actually don't like to talk about it with them at all until I'm like on set and and it seems like they're not going to pull the plug at any minute right yeah because I remember you know and I've told the story but I remember my dad I told them I'm doing this movie it's this uh he goes what kind of movie is it well it's an independent independent what do you mean independent well it's an independent movie it's you know private financing as well so it's not a studio picture it's not a real movie

no i didn't say it was it a real fucking no it's a real movie it's just that it hopefully we'll get bob oh fuck it you know what i mean it was one of where they just you talk yourself into feeling like it's a shitty thing yes that's exactly what it is i start to talk like i'm just like negative like this isn't a good thing like well i got a movie but i'm not on set yet That's not a really, it probably won't go anywhere. It's like, what are you doing? He's supposed to be having fun. This is the way things were supposed to be.

You were supposed to graduate high school and he became something. You did things. This is good. But I always think like that. And I'm trying to, look, I'm trying to change that positive thinking and therapy and things like that. But were your parents supportive? Did they try to get you away from acting?

Or did you have the bug because you were around them and you knew so much about plays? And did they kind of just say, all right, this is what you want to do? I think my parents were just happy that I was doing something. There was not, I left school at 14 and I was a. What do you mean you left school at 14? Who just says I'm leaving school at 14? I just refused to go. I just stopped going, you know, and basically said to my mom, like,

are you going to call the truant officer and send me to jail? And I, and she wasn't prepared to do that. And I just wasn't, I just no longer went. and had some arrests and um you were arrested yeah i yeah i was how old in the 80s in the late 80s very young um i was a pain in the ass and so you know i had a friend who who was an actor and he had seen me in a play at school when i was like 14 right at the end and he And he was aware that I was doing nothing and left school and said to me, like, you should come to my acting class.

You should just do that. Like, this guy needs something to do. And where is this? Where is this? All in L.A. All in L.A. So you went to this acting class. Went to this acting class for a year from 16 to 17, kind of got frustrated with the acting

class. And then was like, I'm going to go. And, you know, there were levels. There was like the beginner's class. And then there was the intermediate. My friend was in the advanced class. So I always was like, I got to get to the advanced class with my buddy. That'll be fun.

Never got past the beginner class and quit and just started working. You know, like taking, what was the magazine, backstage and sending agents my picture. And then the agents like, you look interesting. I'll send you out on an audition. We'll see what happens. What? That's rare. My first day of auditions, I had Melrose Place and Boy Meets World.

I went to Melrose Place. No, I went to Boy Meets World first. Then driving to Melrose Place, I was told I had a callback for Boy Meets World after Melrose Place. Go to Melrose Place, get a call that I got the job. But then they're discussing it and they're like, oh, he's not in SAG. We're not going to hire him. Go back to Boy Meets World and get Boy Meets World, which I did for three years. That was day one of auditioning.

Day one, this is the most bizarre, crazy start to a career. I mean, you hear about these things, but these are incredibly rare things. This is a kid who says, fuck school. I'm done with school. Oh, yeah, I'll take an acting class. Fuck that. I'm not taking an acting class. I'll do it myself.

I'll send pictures to backstage. And then you land a job on your first day of auditions. Yeah. And you were on that show for three years and you're starting to make money. Yeah. And I think at that point, my parents, were just utterly relieved were you in good spirits like it sounds to me like you were problematic like you were troubled and you like i don't know how your attitude was but did you have like a bad

attitude this whole time or you were just kind of going with the flow or could you turn on the good charm um i had a bad attitude with myself i had a bad attitude with my parents um but at work i was i was thrilled to be at work i was thrilled to have a job that um that was fun It was a fun thing to do. Right. Were you heavier at this time already? Yeah. So you were...

I mean, I got bigger over time. I remember between season one and season two of Boy Meets World, my agents called and said, the producers say you do not have to gain weight for this role. And I didn't think through that comment as clearly as I should have because I was just like, okay. All right, I don't have to gain weight if I don't want, but maybe I want to. Well, I didn't, I didn't have that maybe I want to.

I just had like, well, I'm not, you know, I wasn't getting on scales. I wasn't aware that I was gaining weight, but I was. I was steadily gaining weight. Inside of you is brought to you by Rocket Money. I'm going to speak to you about something that's going to help you save money, period. It's Rocket Money. It's a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. monitors you're spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

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Download the Rocket Money app and enter my show name inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum in the survey so they know that I sent you. Don't wait. Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about them from my show. Do you think that had something to do with being a 14 year old in high school? Did you feel like the way people were treating you or the way? way do you think that's sort of how that whole how you just your feeling how you felt about things and your parents trying to tell you do they ever say hey you lose some weight or you need to like you know when you hear these yeah explain that i was on diets from five uh until basically

until um until i just started telling my parents to fuck off uh which was like 14 um and I was, you know, there was a sense of wrongness. My first idea of self, you know, you're a little kid and there's no idea that like, oh, this body, like there was no awareness of it. The first bit of awareness that I had about my body was that it was wrong. And so, and then I was just. And then it was just constantly reaffirmed through, you know, my whole family would go macrobiotic. But really, it was just because they thought this macrobiot, you know, and you can name any diet.

Atkins at some point in the 80s and fit for life. And there were Adele Davis books, which she was like the first diet person. I was ever truly like, here, we're going to read this book together in your seven. And I'm like, okay. But there was just a constant feeling of being off from like five on. And so when I just kind of got sick of it and was like I'm not going to conform to what I'm not going to do what you tell me to do anymore. you know i went like a runaway train down the road away from the goals they were setting for me wow because you know it's those developmental stages it's like that young five six seven

that little that i remember you're short you're you're you know you're you're not smart you're those things stick with you no matter how smart you get or how tall you're you get you always remember for some reason i wish i could just stop that little fucker from thinking these things that you weren't good enough you weren't smart enough you weren't whatever but you're saying ultimately that at that young age you're like what's wrong with me ultimately like i and and does that carry with you throughout your adulthood like even though you're in great shape now you look great you feel great do you still think back i'm still that kid? You know, it's a very tricky thing because I don't know, I can mentally work myself

through it today, but there is always kind of my gut reaction to myself in the mirror or a photograph or anything like that is always kind of discussed. And as of today, I can definitely stop that because I know that's a dark road if I allow myself to sit in that. So I take time and I find something about myself that I'm not disgusted by. And I build on that. And then I feel a little bit better. And but yeah, there, there's no like true escape from there's no like off switch where it just goes away. I haven't found that for myself.

Right. You know, and you think about like even some injuries, physical injuries, you break your arm. And then you're always kind of aware that that arm might be weaker or something. like that um it's it's similar it's not as heavy as it was at one point and and there was a long time where i used drugs to to block out those thoughts and and i suddenly you know had never understood this uh sense of confidence that drugs gave me and it was just like well this is fucking great if i can just do this all the time but then you know you wake up and you feel like even worse worth worthless yeah yeah

Yeah. So that was kind of a trap for me, too. It is something that I can work through, but it hasn't, it's not something I've cured. Right. Also at this young age, you start, I guess 17 years old, you start getting rolls. And that doesn't stop. You don't stop working. You haven't stopped working. But you're starting to get roles and you're playing, you're heavier in all the roles, correct? Yeah. So do you start to feel like why lose weight anyway? Why try to change who I am? Because I'm getting all the. the jobs now. You know, it was something that by the time, I guess like I did Boy Meets World for three years. And so I'm like in that time period, I started doing drugs. While I was doing drugs, I was not thinking about any of it. Nothing.

There were no thoughts like that. It wasn't, I wasn't thinking about the future at all. It was just very much in the moment. And the moment is numb and comfortable. and so there was no thought about like if I lost weight. There was no thought about weight. It was just like I have this crippling disgust for myself that I can turn off with drugs. And if I do that, then I'm happy.

And I can be happy doing all this other stuff that is supposed to make you happy. lots of money and attention and you know success to some degree um so there wasn't a lot of thought about the future what kind of drugs heroin cocaine really you got into heroin yeah for a while for a few years yeah i mean they they always say that that's one drug you get on you never get off for the most part it's a rough one i went to rehab a few times and i remember being so envious of the crackheads at rehab because they would come in and the first thing you do is detox.

You don't go to group if you're still strung out. You're like kind of off in another area and these crackheads come in and they just sleep and then they get woken up and they go to meals and they eat everything

and they have these just huge appetites and then they go back to sleep and the junkies are sitting there awake for days on end can't eat anything pissing out their asses. Like, it's really rough. My God.

But nothing is rough as the ones I'm envious of the guys who came in with, like, serious alcohol dependency or serious benzodia dependencies, because those guys are at risk of death. Like, other drugs, you're not at risk of death when you're coming off. It's not comfortable. It's miserable. But, like, you see guys who have, like, real alcoholism. you can die just quitting those drugs right i mean i read this article or something that you quoted

where you went into a starbucks and you used to memorize everything you were going to order to a tea explain that story paint that picture yeah i i still do that um you know there there was a there was there was always a feeling of being an imposition and and not wanting any attention drawn to myself. And so in any interaction I would have where other people were around, I would want it to be as efficient and smooth and quick as possible. So I would never stand online and then arrive somewhere and make a decision at that point. The decision is made before I get out of my car, I basically know exactly what I want.

I know how to order it. I know where to pick it up. I know where to stand so that I'm not in anybody's work. while I'm waiting for them to prepare it. Like, all of that is stuff that I'm aware of. And then I would have, I would lash out at people who didn't do that in my mind going, like, how rude and presumptuous of that person not to have figured it out. And so I would build up these resentments.

But really, it was all about, like, who fucking cares, dude? We're getting coffee. Like, you know, if you arrive at the teller and you notice, like, wow, they've got a flavor of coffee I'm not familiar with. Let me ask him about that. Like, you have the right to do that. Right, right. I would never give myself the right to do that because I wouldn't want to spend another moment because I picture that arriving at that place, you're almost on a stage. And I don't want to be looked at in that context because in that context, I'm me. I'm not acting. When I'm acting, I'm not me. So you didn't like to be noticed. You didn't like to be recognized. You didn't

want people to say, hey, aren't you that guy from whatever? You did not want that. I didn't mind, hey, are you that guy from whatever, as much? And I'll tell you why. Because that was a veil and a facade that blocked them to some degree or lessen their awareness to some degree of seeing my grotesqueness. Does that make sense? Yeah. So I mean, I pictured myself moving through society as an eyesore, as a burden.

And if I could throw up things like this identity actor, that would distract you from the burden that I'm presenting, that was fine. So in that sense, I didn't mind simply because it was a distraction from what I thought of myself. I mean, that's just, I mean, it's horrific to think that. You know, it's just, it's such a sad thing that it almost takes, in other words, people noticing you from something is a distraction of who you think you are. like you're it's it kind of takes your their mind away from who you believe you really are and they're not seeing because they're putting you on a pedestal in a sense totally and that's

what it was um and that's probably still what it is a little bit uh today but you're unrecognizable you're a different person like honestly when i look at you i don't know anybody who go weren't you remember the titans weren't you in this weren't you in wool because you look so different yeah it's such a it's very rare now yeah and you like that Yeah, I mean, I like anonymity. I don't want to be looked at, really. I am pleased that I can show that perseverance on a given course can be successful because I failed so many times at this course.

So in that respect, I'm happy to put a picture up, but even that, there is something painful about social media because I just am so judgmental of, myself. And it's bizarre now that I can have dueling ideas about myself, especially when you're trying to work on musculature of being too fat. I can feel, and I did today, I felt too fat and too thin at the same time. And I didn't know what to do with this thought and this feeling. And it's just like, you know, at some point you've got to laugh because it's like I've recognized that there will be no perfection. There will be no turning off of the need of change. So, you know, it's just a

burden. And I say all that. It's gotten much better. Sure. It is much better. How easy is it for you to, I mean, we, we hinted at this. But for someone who had, you know, for for so long, what was someone else, you know, in a way, you were obese and now you're in great shape and working hard and you just feel great. How easy or how, how easy would it be for someone to fall off the wagon? Is it something like alcoholism? Is food something like alcoholism where, you know, you get down about something, you have loss, you have whatever, and that just spirals you? Is it something that you're aware of or you talk to someone about? I talk to my wife about it, but I don't, don't put absolute restraints on food in the same way that I do drug and alcohol. Drugs and

alcohol is a very either or for me. Food, the tricky thing is that you can't stop eating. You die. The end result of not eating is death. And so that's not a solution. That's never a solution. Right. And so you find a lot of diets that will present you with just quit this type of food. and even that I was unsuccessful at because you game that you can you can if if the point is like look I understand if you're actually allergic to wheat or to gluten and you have celiac or Hashimoto or something of that nature um yes you shouldn't eat gluten you got to cut that out of your of your diet but if your if your goal is weight loss um and you and you go about it by just removing gluten from your diet, I would just say from my anecdotal experience, not successful.

It's not a successful way to lose weight. We're not exploring in that instance the way we were interacting with food that got us to the point that we needed to lose weight at all. We're just saying the onus of burden is on this thing, gluten, which if you're obese, if that's the only issue you're dealing with. It's scientifically not gluten's fault. So there's a lot in that. I don't like to put multiple days, consecutive days together of not sticking to my program. So the holidays, I'm not going to be the guy at Christmas dinner weighing my roast beef and and my tablespoon of horseradish. You want to enjoy the holidays, right. Yeah, but I'm not also going to pay.

take out on leftovers on the 26th. So there's there's a little balance there. This whole time too growing up. I mean, did you date girls? Did you have like a lot of dates where you, I mean, is it something you always wanted a date and you couldn't keep her like? I mean,

what was that what was that like? I definitely had confidence once I was on drugs to talk to women. And I had a few. I definitely had interactions with girls. unfortunately a lot of the time I was on so much drugs that there would be an in you you're no longer effectual when it comes to doing that deed um so I didn't have any like really successful relationships right before my wife um who really was the spark that turned my life around um and uh You know, it was a weird cycle of like, I wasn't going to talk to girls before I did drugs because I, I thought so lowly of myself. Or if I was going to talk to girls, it was going to be, I was going to be the safest person they could ever talk to. You know what I mean?

Right. It was not going to be a hint of sexuality in my communication with them. Yeah. I just recognized that even back in the day when I knew you. You were kind of a, you know, you talk, you were funny, but you didn't, you weren't going on hitting on girls. you weren't you were just minding your own thing and just hanging out with the guys and just kind of you know i i just remember that i do remember that just uh you know one of those top notch guys did you say your wife brandy who you've been married to since 2006 right we've been

married since 2006 together since 2002 and she saved your life you say i i don't want to say she saved my life i didn't care about my life prior to her my life meant very little to me prior to her. And once I started seeing her, I was newly sober, I started seeing her. It was the very first time I started thinking about future. And that was really how I clawed my way out of this pit was going, like having, you know, looking up and seeing the light way up at the top, like that there was life. Until there, until then, I didn't, I never thought about the future. There was no thought. I went to bed so many nights totally convinced I was going to die in my sleep and this was nothing that sparked a huge change wow yeah that almost makes me want to cry because it's yeah there's certain things

about it that I can understand um but but having not seeing a future is perhaps the saddest thing there is if you don't see a future if you just wake up every day saying when is it going to happen or when am I going to, when am I going to be done and I'm fine with it just ended already. It's almost like, you know, and the fact that someone comes into your world and for the first time, your eyes open wide and you're thinking, hey, wait a minute, there is a future. Maybe there is a future. Maybe I'm worthy of someone or someone's worthy of me. You know what I mean? It's, it's, that's amazing that can meet someone. And not only that, but you probably opened up to her

and she had to see her true colors come out and see how damaged you were or not damaged but fractured or like, you know, how much baggage or shit you had weighing on you for your entire existence. And at this point, you realized I've thrown everything at her and did you? My question is, did you throw everything at her?

And she's not running. Yeah. The moment I broke down and and it was a very bizarre thing that I don't even know the adequate words to communicate exactly what occurred for me but I had this I had this brutal conversation

with a guy that was basically saying like you're going to hell you need to lose weight and I hadn't had a conversation like that before it was it was like so curt and righteous and I landed in another country and I was kind of like

in a state of almost shock and I was like also going like holy shit he's kind of right about some things like I'm not thinking about anything but like immediate gratification and I've got this girl who I love who wants to do

all these things that I'm not physically capable of doing like going on a hike or uh you know spending the day at the beach or going to a museum like i was not in really a state to do that kind of stuff and i remember thinking i got to tell her about this condition i have as as though she wasn't aware um and and it was the weirdest thing it was like i got to tell her this secret that's not a secret that she knew But she's going, uh, hello. Yeah. But talking to her about it was as though she didn't know.

It literally felt to me in that moment like, I'm going to say this to her and this could be the end of us. So it was either, it felt very much like if I don't say this to her that I need help with this, I lose her for sure at some point because her future is a path that I, I'm not going to be able to keep up with. And if I do say it to her, I risk exposing this truth to her that is ugly and awful and damaged. And so I just thought, like,

well, at least I'm taking a shot at winning there. And so I had this conversation with her. And she was like, so fucking cool, dude. She was like, oh, yeah, we're going to do that. As soon as you get back to L.A., I'll have something ready for you. and I was like, oh, okay. And she was like, yeah.

And for right now, I was in Romania. And she said, for right now, just while you're there, just don't eat bread. And I was like, okay. And that was kind of her. She was laying out this thing of like, you're going to take a baby step in the arena of being responsible with food. And it wasn't like, don't ever eat bread again. Just on this two weeks, you're going to do one thing that is going to be

you're beating food and it's going to be you're going to leave the dinner roll you're going to not eat sandwiches it's very simple did you do it this way and i did and i made it two weeks or three weeks or whatever it was with not eating bread and i landed in l a and she picked me up and she had gone to this nutritionist and gotten this like liquid diet thing and you know the nutritionist gives you big bottles of fiber pills and vitamins and she individually bagged everything like spent a whole day preparing this stuff for me and she was like i've made each day of all your supplements and your protein shakes and all you have to do is just do this and i was like great and i'll do it and i did that for 60 days a liquid diet i lost 80 pounds and as far as

roller coaster dieting goes that's 80 pounds that i've never dipped back into i've never gotten those 80 pounds were permanent weight loss. And then I got into, you know, and then you go back to work and you're like lightheaded half the time and it's not conducive so you have to eat. And I would never recommend somebody do a liquid diet from whatever they're morbidly obese until their goal. Like I don't think that's wise.

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life this was somebody that you for the first time you saw a future and you listened to her was was she really the first person that you were like all right someone's helping someone's actually going on this journey with me i'm not alone it was the first time that i was invested that that i was the one going like i want to change it was it was it was the very first time it wasn't somebody going like here's what you're going to do despite what you want um and you know like is there a way that I could have been invested as a kid if my parents had used different language with maybe I don't know but all I know is as a kid it was

now you're going to eat this way and and here's why because you're fat or because you're overweight and it's not healthy and all of this stuff which just compounded how I felt badly about myself and made me rebel And ultimately, you know, I got really bad when I became autonomous and was making money and was really just living for the moment and doing whatever I wanted with no restraint.

But yeah, it was the first time I went, hey, I need help with this. I want to change. I will do whatever you tell me, which I think I've also had success being sober in that way. And in talking to people about sobriety, like I have no. interest in my wife is not sober. And I have no interest in anyone in trying to make somebody sober. Like this is not my mission at all. In fact, to the point where I've had people say, will you talk to my kid or will you talk to my friend? And it's like, no, because it didn't work for me and I don't have the understanding of making it work for somebody else by pleading

with them or describing some utopian future by changing your behavior. behavior. I know it works when the individual goes, I want to make a change. That's how I've seen at work. That's how I've experienced at work. And so the kind of the same thing with food. I think if you asked yourself for many years of your life, it's like, you know, that stupid question that people are like, that's such a stupid question when you say, do you love yourself? But it would have been easy for you to say, fuck, no, I don't. It sounds like, right? For most of your life. I could say that a lot of my life, I would probably say, what? No, no, I don't.

Sometimes I think I'm all right. I sometimes like myself. I love myself. Fuck, how do you love yourself? That's a lot to say, I don't love anyone. It's just such a mind boggle that people are like, you should be able to say you love yourself pretty easily. And that always fucked with me because it never was easy to go,

yes, I love myself. That's not something that occurs to me at all. So when did you start? Do you, I mean, do you now feel like you're loving yourself more? I mean, obviously. I feel like it's been very helpful to be responsible for other people. And by doing that, I have to be responsible for myself. And I do think I've learned to have certainly a higher level of admiration for myself,

especially when it's like setting and achieving goals and sticking to things that I've made decisions about. because I was not good at that forever. So this idea of love, I don't know. Yeah, it's a very abstract thing for me, too, you know. But you love other people. You love your kids. You love your wife, obviously. Yeah, you know, you're on an airplane and they tell you, like, if we have to do oxygen

masks, you got to put your oxygen mask on first because if you pass out trying to put your kids oxygen mask on, then they don't get theirs either. So in that way, I think that's a road to loving yourself, right? If you can kind of play this mental hopscotch a little bit where you're like, I have to treat myself well because I have people dependent on me. And I actually love my wife and the fact that she loves me and I don't have really a critical thought about her leads me to believe there's something lovable about me. You know, it's these gymnastics that we have to play. Absolutely.

By the way, before you started this big diet, which started, you know, losing weight, what was the most you ever weighed? The most I ever weighed, objectively, where I saw it on a scale, was 536. But I did gain weight from that point. So I say 550, which 14 pounds at that weight, that could have just been a little extra salt one night and a bunch of booze to get me up 14 pounds. but I did see 536 on a scale. Do you sometimes look back and go, how did I survive?

How am I still here? Yeah, it's wild. I mean, there were, there were, as I said, many nights that I was convinced I wasn't going to be here. You know, I think if I make it, if I make it to the average lifespan of an American, I'm going to be very proud of myself. Well, dude, I'm glad you're alive. I'm glad you're here. It's such an amazing story. and you're an amazing human being

and I'm glad you know it gives me hope it gives a lot of people hope that you know you find love sometimes and you find somebody who really loves you inside out and accepts you for who you are

no matter what and that that does a lot for your mental well-being it does a lot for your soul it's like when you can find someone to just like wow I cannot do and I've done I've dated people where I try to do

see I told you I'd fuck up see I'm a fuck up see you should leave me and when someone sticks around and says no asshole i love you and you know there's i'm just you know i'm glad you're here this is the uh it's it's such a wonderful story and i like seeing you succeed and i don't like putting qualifications on and i feel bad because i think if there's a a single person out there who's struggling with this i don't want them to think like they have to find love in order to make some

change. And so I think about sobriety because I did get sober before I met my wife, which was another, it was a battle. And I do think there is some truth. And when you're talking about, do you love yourself? Finding something to at least respect about yourself, finding areas you contribute to others or whatever gives you that sense of decency or, you. You know, the idea of belonging to a group, whatever that group is,

whether it's a family or a group of friends or a business or work or a fucking video game online community, whatever it is. I think that everybody can spend a minute and locate some way that they have interactions with others and are contributing something, even if you're just saying hi and smiling at the barista at your local Starbucks twice a week or something like this. so I do feel bad sometimes talking about myself and what I've gone through

in terms of Brandy just because I don't want somebody to think like That's going to fix you Yeah, I have to find somebody that's been a shitload of work And I've gone back and forth It wasn't a straight line And I don't believe that in order to make yourself better, you have to have someone significant to other.

So I just wanted to add that on because I do often feel that I do believe that everyone is capable of making some kind of change. And I don't think there should be qualifications. Well, I've heard so many times people say you can't love someone to you love yourself. So I think there's some truth to that. Yeah, I do too. I think, you know, sometimes I've been in relationships from like, you know, I'm not, I'm just not good enough for you. There's just no way.

And that's just all on me. That's just me going, you're just not having that love for yourself or that's like, dude, what the fuck are you talking about? Every day. I am definitely not good enough for my wife. And I am very pleased every day that I'm winning in this exchange. I love that. You know, I saw something on the internet. You know, it was probably what you're doing now, but you were just.

just ripped up ratat tat tatted um it was a recent post and um your sister-in-law juliet lewis name drop said uh i'm sensing this guy is uh what's the word evil uh so is that is that the role you're playing now yeah a lot of fake tattoos i which strangely um many people on that post thought that i had overnight gotten a full body and face tattoos and the whole nine um and grow my beard like they look good though those tats look good yeah these guys are doing a great job hey really quick this is called shit talk i'm just going to ask you a few questions for fans that could be fast rapid fire um you know i'm interested in this somebody says uh you know connor walker do you have any funny stories experiences while filming the wolf of wall street and on top of that my question was i mean

give me something what was it like working with uh scorsese for god's sakes um it was awesome it was it was a lot of fun the only funny, weird story was we were filming kind of two different things and me and the rest of the guys, the brokers were kind of off on a break. And then I got a call like, you're needed on that closed set. And it was a closed set.

Like nobody's allowed on this set. And I was like, I'm needed? What am I needed for? And they were like, you just have to go in there. and I went in and somebody was like, we can't figure out how to do cocaine of an asshole. Can you help us with this? We heard you can help us with it.

And I was like, I'll do my best. I mean, how do you do that? It's almost like sucking up a fart or sucking up air from your asshole. You load it into a straw and then you apply pressure to one end of the straw and the cocaine comes out the other end of the straw. So you help them. I help them, but I'm just saying I was the guy, called to be the guy on set that was gone like who can help us with Ethan knows that's when

that's when you should have known all right I got to get my shit together that's it that's rock bottom I've been sober at this point for almost 10 years so I oh okay you know some of the people involved in that movie were had known me prior and we're like he knows how to do this get in well look man this has been extraordinary I hope you enjoyed it It just, it's very inspiring to me and I love hearing the story and it's just, because I didn't know it. It's like a lot of times, you know, you and I haven't had a conversation like this ever. And so if this is what it takes, getting to know you a little bit more and kind of knowing a little, you know, inside your, what goes on inside your head and all that. But I really appreciate you, you coming on here.

Thank you. You're great conversationalist. This was really fun. Oh, dude. Thanks, man. This is great. I really love doing this. And I have such ADD that when I put the headphones on, it just helps.

It just makes me just listen. And I'm sort of forced to listen, but it's very easy to listen to you and you speak eloquently. Well, you have to do mine. You have to come. When I get back to L.A., you have to come on mine and we'll talk about health and fitness. I'm in, man. I would love that. Okay, great.

Dude, I love you. All my best to you. Kick some ass. Thank you. I loved Ethan's story. I thought it was, you know, a lot of people won't talk about the things that they've happened in their lives that are so. Hard. You know, he went through, to go through heroin addiction, to go through, you know, most of his life, he was obese and didn't love himself and didn't like being recognized. And you heard all that. And now he's an inspiration. You see the guy has gotten his life together. He's lost so much weight. He's strengthened. But more importantly, I think, is that he's learning to love himself. And that shows you that he's capable of it. Yeah, it wasn't really about the losing of the weight. It was just making sure that you were okay with, you know, with who he's.

With who you are. Yeah. And so that was pretty special. So thanks for listening again if you want to follow the podcast, Ryan. Oh, at Inside of You Pod on Twitter, at Inside of You podcast on Instagram and Facebook. And please write a review. Please subscribe if you really enjoyed this today. I appreciate it.

You could also join the wonderful Patreon family that support the podcast in so many ways and keep this thing afloat, really. There's different tiers where you get boxes of merch and a letter from me every couple of months. get to ask guest questions. There's so much that the Patreon involves. And if you join, go to patreon.com slash inside of you. I'll write you a message after. And it's just become such a great family. I don't know how many thank you notes I've had. I just got a nice email from Raj and Gracie, who are patrons, Leanne, so many people that write in and say, God, I've become friends with so many people on this thing. And that's, it makes me just happy as a clam.

Also, don't forget our shows, July 31st, 2 p.m. and 6 p.m. If you want to hear my band, Sunspin, I really think we just came out with an album. I think you really enjoy it. We play two shows July 31st on stage it.com. Just type in Sunspin, or you go to Sunspin.com and you can get all merch. You could book Zooms with me. You could book the band, if you like. Some people have done that before. So that's always fun to come play for people at a park or wherever we play. sunspin.com our handles please follow sunspin band on Twitter Instagram and Facebook at sunspin band

we need a few more hand a few more follows we could use those so please everyone listening please just really quickly follow us on those handles at sunspin band I'll be at a lot of conventions coming up I just got back from Houston it was wonderful I love the people in Houston had a great time That was Comic Palooza. It was my first con in quite some time, but seeing people made me happy. Also, I'll be a Dragon Con in Atlanta, September 4th weekend with Tom Willing, Lexington, September 9th through the 12th with Tom Willing. West Virginia Mountaineer Com, September 24th weekend. And the list keeps coming.

Also, if you want any merch, we got great stuff. We got some Funko Lex Luthor pops, Funko pops. We got some Lex Luthor shirts to say Michael Rosenbaum's the best Lex Lekyllis. Luther. I had those many people like them. Lunchboxes, small of the lunch boxes, also tons of cool merch like mugs and incitey mugs and tons of stuff like that. So I want to say thank you for that. And thank you again for listening. Thank you again for supporting me, especially during my surgery and all the happy birthday wishes once again. And couldn't do it without it. Couldn't do without Ryan. I'll tell you that much. Couldn't do it without him. I'm going to read the top tier

patrons. These are the people that contribute the most on the Patreon. And they get shoutouts. That's one of the special things to get out. So here we go. Nancy D. Leah S. Trisha F. Sarah V. Little Lisa, Yucco, Jill E. Brian H. Lauren G. Nico P. Jerry W. Robert B. Jason W. Jason W. Allison L. Raj C. Joshua D. Emily S. C.J.P. Samantha N. Jennifer N. Stacey L. C. C. L. H. Chan S. Jamal F. Janelle B. Carrie B. Tab of the 272. Not to be confused with. Tab of the 273. Kimberly E. Mike E. E. Eldon Supremo. 99 more. Ramira. Santiago M. Sarah F. Chad W. Lian P. Janine R. Ray A. Maya P. Maddie S. Shann, Matt W. Belinda N. Kevin V. James R. Chris H. H. H. Ray. Hi, Ray. T. Tab of the T. Tom N. Suzanne B. Lilliana. Michelle K. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. Tad of T. H. H. H. H. T. H. H. H. H. T. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. Claire M. L. L. L. L. L. J Laura L. Chad L. Rochelle E. Maryan E. Meg K. Janelle P. Trab L. Dan N. Diane R. And the final

little list here. It's not Ojetta. It's A Jada. It's Ajetta. Lorraine G. Veronica K. Big Stevie W. Kendall T. Carol D. Sandy B. Angel M. Yes. I didn't shower today. If that's what you're wondering. Where's my hat? Why is my hair greasy? Just leave me alone. Eric C. Rian and C. Corey K. Super Sam. Emily C. Sherry S. Coleman G. David C. Michelle A. Liz L. Jeremy. Jeremy C. In class today. Andy T. Cody R. Chris E. Sebastian K. Gabinator. Ann H. Elliot M. John B. Brandy D. N. Yavor. Yvore. I just sent you a package.

Yavor. Yvore. What's a good nickname for Yavor? It's either Yavor. I think it's Yavor. Yvore. Sorry if I'm a bore. Yvore. Yvore or against it? Yvore or against it?

That's it. Those are the lovable Patreon. you can go to patreon.com slash inside of you, get your name, shout out, and much, much more. And is there anything else really, Ryan? Another fun podcast. It was a good podcast. I really learned a lot from it. I learned a lot from these guests.

I hope you do. I hope you tune in every week. And thank you for allowing to be inside of each and every one of you. I appreciate all of you, sincerely. And, Ryan, why don't we stick about it? That camera way up there from the Hollywood Hills in Hollywood, California. Brian Taylor's over here with your host. Michael Rosenbaum.

Michael Rosenbaum. We appreciate you, man. This is, we have fun doing this. It's not brain surgery, but we hope you stick around. Thanks. Football season is here. Oh, man. Believe has the podcast to enhance your football experience from the pros.

One of the most interesting quarterback rooms to college. Michigan is. set at eight and a half wins to fantasy if you feel that way why didn't you trade them become a better fan and listen to the football podcasts from believe just search believe that's bL-e-a-v podcast follow and listen on your favorite platform