Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum - Fortune Feimster

Episode Date: June 25, 2019

Fortune Feimster (The Mindy Project, The Standups, Office Christmas Party) discusses her relationship with her parents, how little they had in common, and how much their divorce impacted her life. Fortune opens up about her intense relationship with female friends when she was growing up, the year of reflection she spent in Spain, and her moving story about coming out of the closet to her parents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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tables, or join a live dealer game to feel the thrill of real-time action, all from the comfort of your own devices. Why settle for less when you can go for the gold at Golden Nugget Online Casino. Gambling problem call Connects Ontario 1866531-260. 19 and over, physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See Golden Nuggett Casino.com for details. Please play responsibly. You're listening to Inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum. My fellow friend, colleague, Rob Hollis is here rubbing his tattoo. What is that tattoo of? That's the Kid A Bear from Radiohead.

Are you a millennial? No, I don't think so. I think you are. Let's see. You're 29. You're 29. I'm 30. Hey, folks, I want to say thank you for listening.

Once again, make sure you subscribe to all your friends. It really helps us so we can keep doing it. the show. I'm going to be in Denver, Comic-Con. I'm going to be in Calgary, Orlando, Boston, I'm going Australia in June. So if you're around, Dallas, so look around, and me and Welling are going to be there, a little Smallville fun at these cons. Album, Left on Laurel, follow us on at Left on Laurel, Instagram and Twitter and Facebook, and our album's coming out in about two months, and I think you're going to dig it. We're going to start putting songs out as they get mastered. entered finished at the end of may i'm going to be in uh san francisco on may 31st and

seattle on june first when i start telling what i'm going to do rob starts smiling and i know something's up and then he's like well why don't i tell everybody where i'm going to be yeah i've i feel like that's fair so i mean if anyone wants to come check out armchair expert live we got a great show today uh you know this comedian is just so open and fun i've known her for a long time that i didn't really i got to know or more on this podcast to tell you the truth um Fortune, Feimster. And, you know, many people say Feimster, but I think it's Feimster, isn't it? I met her at the interview.

She's brilliant. She is a wonderful comedian, writer, actress. She was in last comic standing. She has been on the Mindy Project. Chelsea lately. She was just a regular. She's a powerhouse. She's a powerhouse.

And she's really open about, like, her childhood and growing up and how hard it was growing up, you know, being gay and having to, you know, hear that a lot is just, you know, it's a secret that, you know, you have to hold on to, and it's, it's just got to be so terrible. Like, people don't understand when you're gay, that you can't come out with it in a world,

but now, you know, you can do that. You're accepted, and for so long you weren't able to. It's, it's getting better. We're not completely there. It's getting better. Look, it's absolutely getting better, but, you know, she talks about it. It wasn't until her 20s. Like, she moved out to L.A., I remember,

And she, you know, it was just listening to that. I got lost in the thought thinking, oh, my God, what if, you know, if I were gay, you know, having to hold that on to that. And, you know, just like, that's just, that's a tough thing to deal with. And she talks about a lot of stuff, hardships and how positive she remains and, you know, stress, anxiety, bombing on stage. Let's get inside Forch and Feimster. It's my point of you. You're listening to inside of you with Michael Rose. Rosenbaum.

Inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum was not recorded in front of a live studio audience. Fortune Feimster. Mm-hmm. Now, the original name. Fortune's my... Middle name. Middle name. And what's your real name?

Emily. Emily. But Fortune's a real name. Yeah, I know. But what is this pretend name? If you don't know her, you just Google her right now. I mean, by this point, you'll have already Googled until you're seeing a picture. She's like, you're, I'm going to use the word omnipresent.

Check out my nudes. Do you have some newds? I would. You do some pretty provocative shit, though. I see some pictures and I'm like, yes. Yeah. You go for it. But then there was a stunning picture that you just put up and you glamored the f-out.

It was for a movie I did like a year ago. What was that called, that bad? Social animals. Oh, social animals. It was very indie. Very indie. Very small. And you glamored it up?

We had to, I would play a straight. woman of course and um are you being serious that's my goal is to play i want to play straight ladies doesn't that suck when you're like you're a lesbian right is that the proper word is that what we talk about is that what we say yeah lesbian's a good word how about gay do you still say gay either we could say lesbian we could say gay you can say either you know it's i guess it's similar to somebody you played the bad guy all the time when he was always getting cast as the bad guy after that they only see that. I was like, oh, she's a lesbian. She's out.

The world knows her as a let's cast her as a like. She's the perfect lesbian. But isn't it fun when they go, somebody's a little smarter, a little more creative, and they go, what's the look of gay? Right. Do you hate when people say, oh, that's the look of gay? I mean, I guess I look. You've got that

the look of gay. You're the look of gay. Do you ever get that? Oh my God. I do get it. I get it from my producer all the time. But I do get that. I think a lot of people People think I'm gay. They thought I was gay. I've never thought that. Really?

You seem all bro to me. Maybe because I was trying to hit on you or pick you up one night. You're like, this guy is not gay. We have a lot of sexual chemistry. We really do. We really do. But I, you know, I have gotten that. In fact, one time my mom in college asked me because I guess I was doing...

Your mom? I was doing theater. Oh, so that's... Anyone in the Midwest equates that with gay. Well, she's pretty liberal, but she was like, you know, Michael, it's okay. You know, I have gay friends. I don't care. she even went as far to say

as I have a gay friend he even has AIDS Oh wow she took it to that I want you to know that I support Whatever you do I go good Good I'm gay And I let the joke go on And she didn't talk to you for a year No no no she did but I let it go for like just a week

Maybe a few days I went back to college And I go mom by the way I'm not gay And she goes Oh well I already told Lucy and Diane and Peggy Oh the whole neighborhood Oh my God and in Indiana I was like, everybody assumed I was gay. Yeah, mom.

It's still to this day, I think they go, oh, yeah, one of them in fair actors. If you're an actor, you've got to be gay. You have gay in you. And if you live in L.A., that's a double whammy of gay. And don't we stereotype that, though? If somebody does this, like my assistant Jessica, she just said her friend's a hairstylist. And I go, oh, he's gay. She's like, no, he's not.

And he's not. I'm like, are you sure? He's a hairstylist. How many, but statistically, how many? I don't know a lot of straight hair. stylist. But look at us learning. Yeah, it's like don't judge the book. Yeah. Don't judge the cover. Don't judge the book before you judge the Mike judge. How did it go? I don't know. Yeah. It's it's a treat to have you because we've met through our friend. Tell us how we met. Sarah Colonna is our mutual friend.

hilarious comedian. Who you've known for a while. She was in my movie back in the day. That's right. And if you were, if I had known you back then, I think you would have been in the movie. I'm 100% sure. Well, your improv skills are, they're right up there with the best. Oh, thank you. I think that's because you went to Groundling. Yeah, I was a Groundling's person for like seven years. The people just think you were the funniest shit in the world then. They thought it was funny for sure, but I was always my own person.

I didn't quite fit the Groundlings mold. Like the mold of everybody has this character. Yeah. You were sort of what? I was, I don't know how to even describe it. I would do very fortunate. characters i don't even know what that is what's a fortune character what's an emily fortune character uh like usually pretty crazy characters that are just kind of bonkers and you don't really know what the

scene is about but you're really enjoying watching this bizarre character like i did a i did an old lounge singer who played the piano and she wore a very sparkly top and had like spiky short hair and all she cared about was that people bought her signature cocktail so I would start singing and then interrupt my song with I just want to tell everybody I got my signature cocktail for sale right now what kind of song would you sing the start of it was it a made-up song made-up songs or yeah and and I called it the the tea tomorrow Sunrise Sunset Signature Cocktail.

And it turns out at the end that the signature cocktail is awful. It has like cranberry juice and sprite and limes and a whole banana.

Well, you're going to get your potassium. And nobody likes it. So I did weird things. And people like this. They attacked because it was so off the wall. Yes.

It was like, what is she doing? Yes, but it wasn't. And you committed. Is that the I committed. Even if you are, do you think that's the key in life in general?

I mean, I know the answer to this, but don't you think that like, even if you're bombing, even if you're, it's not you, you stay with it. Oh, yeah. You can't get out of and go, oh, yeah, that didn't work. No, you have to, you have to, I've, I had some scenes there that just was like pin drops. And I went harder. Did it scare you? Yeah.

How do you go harder? Actually, no, there was a scene I did with a friend of mine, and I wrote. wrote it. Poor friend of mine got dragged into this with me where we played two flight attendants who would sing. This was before like Southwest was really doing all that sing, you know, how they'll be like, we landed. We're here in Orlando. Yeah, Virgin does that a lot, right? Virgin and those. So I would sing everything. Now they rap. Yeah. I sang all the instructions for everything. And I would talk about like, oxygen maths, and I'd be like, how am I supposed to breathe with nowhere?

Did people hate you in the scene? Everyone hate. But no one, there was only two of us. It was just the two of us on stage, and no one laughed at anything. And actually it was kind of freeing because we came off stage and both just fell into a ball of laughter. Like we were like, we sucked so bad that we couldn't help but just die laughing. You know what? Don't you think there's something really special about failure?

Oh, for sure. I think, I think, you know, the more I do fail at things, if you're able to just go, I'm still alive. I'm not dead. That's the gift of failing is getting through it. Then you go, oh, well, that wasn't terrible. I mean, it wasn't great, but I got through it. I'm fine. So if that happened again, I know I can make it through it.

Then you don't fear failure as much. That's what I need to do. That's my goal of 2019, one of them is to just embrace failure. Actually, my therapist actually wants me to fail. Oh, are you in therapy? Oh, yeah, Ben. Look at me. I mean, does it not?

You're very evolved. You know how they have the helter-skelter on the head? I've got the, you know, yes, I'm in therapy. Ask Rob, if he's ever failed at something. Rob, have you failed at something? Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah, I'm sure. there's not something in particular as I come really you can't remember anything you failed at relationships yeah I mean I had failed relationships everyone's failed at that yeah have you ever like went up to a woman and tried to hit on her and she just wouldn't want any part of it I was too big of a push to even do that step really because you've got a haughty patadi

yeah I got really lucky you guys how long you've been together three and a half years then how the F did that happen Oh, Destiny. She came to you, didn't she? No, we met in Chicago at Gay Pride. We started chatting. It honestly was one of the, you know how everyone's like, you'll find it when you're not looking. You weren't looking.

Shut up. You don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, I always say. I still say that. Yeah. And because I had, I wasn't in a lot of serious things, but I would always date the wrong person. I remember I was just done before I met her, like six months before I met Jacks. I was like, I'm done.

I hate dating. It sucks. Dating in LA sucks. Because everyone's always looking for something better. Yeah. I was always the like, you'll do for now person. Not me, them towards me. Oh.

They didn't say that, but their actions did. And so after the last one before Jacks, I was just like, I'm done. And I wasn't looking. And I really wasn't looking. And everyone always said, you'll find it when you're not looking. So how'd that happen? She literally walked up. And said what, what she said?

What was the line? What was her pickup line? She swears she wasn't flirting with me, but I don't believe her. Her friend apparently wanted a picture with me and was too afraid to ask me. And Jacks had been drinking and was like, come on, who cares? She probably was like, who cares about this fanny? Just go ask her. People always do that with me too, I think.

Sometimes people will come up and go, oh, my friend wants the picture with you. I don't know who the fuck you are. I don't care. I don't even know who you are. I don't know how your name. You're not even handsome. You're not even on Google. Fuck your parents.

Fuck you. They don't go that far. Okay, so. She was that person. You took a picture with the, I took a picture with the friend. And I was like, oh, they're, you know. They were together.

I assumed they were together. I was like, oh, this blondeie right here is pretty cute, but clearly she's taken. Oh, well. And then 10 minutes later, they come back. And I go, oh, maybe. Okay. Hey. She says her friends.

picture didn't turn out and I go yeah sure it didn't wink wink but it gave me a false sense of confidence because I told you I wasn't good at approaching women I was like oh she's into me so I'm gonna be like hey what's up you let's hang out but it turns out now she's since told me that her the picture actually did not turn out she was not hitting on me but it made me more confident and it gave you if you didn't have that confidence you don't think of that whatever happened. No, I would have just assumed they were together. So would you say, what's up? I was just like, I let my, because we, you know, did the arm around each other. Did you rubber arm? No, I just left, left my arm linger there after the picture was over. Like a cranberry song.

Yeah. Just lingered there. Do you have to let it linger? And then I was like, hey, what do you, what's your deal? You know, I don't know what I said, but. Want a fuck? Yeah, I just got right to it. Hey, want a. Fuck. Have you ever done that? No. I know you don't have any comment. I'm sure you have. Never.

Never. Never. Never. One time I was on Molly's at Burning Man. And I don't do my, I don't do drugs, but my friend Harlan and I were at Burning Man, we said, fuck it. Yeah. And this girl was staring at me.

And I could see her like, you know, you know, like 20, I don't know how two rooms. How I don't, I'm not good with distance. Maybe 20 feet away, 20 feet. And she was staring at me, man, with these piercing. Molly enriched eyes. Oh, it turns out it was a statue. No, it was not a statue. I went up to, finally we were just like, we were together.

Like all this craziness going around us and we went right together. And I go, hey, how are you? And she goes, your breath smells terrific. Oh. And I go, it's watermelon gum. She goes, you're like, it's drug. Can I have a piece? And I go, absolutely.

Uh-huh. And I gave it to her and we just sat there. And it was the weirdest thing, I guess when you're messed up looking at it. looking at someone you don't know is okay if you're sober it's weird and like that person's fuck but this didn't this didn't feel crazy i wouldn't stare at someone like this but there was like she was staring at me yeah and finally after a long bit i go i'd really like to kiss you and she goes that's never gonna happen wow may i die ask harland and even though i was drugged up on mollies it took me a good hour to get over that one i was like i was stung by it i was like yeah

She goes, yeah. That was not the ending. Now, why are you staring? I mean, did you just want a piece of gum? Yeah, I think she did. She must have had a boyfriend. So, but I don't even know why that story, but I'm just saying, I've been rejected. I've rejected.

I've rejected. I've never gone up to a girl and go, hey, want to fuck. Yeah, that's pretty bold. I bet you know people that probably said that. I'm sure, but they're not like my close friends. So how long before you went out with, uh, Jacks? We hung out that whole weekend and have basically been together. Wait, well, when you say hung out the whole weekend, let's get into me.

Was it intimate right away? Not right away. I mean, like, not like... You kissed. Yeah, that. First night? Yeah. Yeah.

Were you like, did you get butterflies? Yeah, but we have both been drinking. So some of the butterflies were just out of window. They died for too much consumption. Sulficated. The butterflies were drowned in liquor. I mean, seriously, though, but you felt like, God, I hope this lasts longer than a night. Yeah.

Well, I remember just really enjoying your comfort. And at the end of the weekend, I was like, I feel like I'm going to see her again, but that's crazy. It was like, this is crazy. She lives in Chicago. But like, there's something about her. Yeah. And she and her mom had plans to go to Italy for a couple weeks because they were both teachers. And we texted quite a few times while she was there.

And it helped us sort of slowly get to know each other. How long does it take you to trust someone? Like, how long before you go, she's too legit to quit? Not to quote Hammer. It takes a while. It takes a little while. Like before you're like, she's for real. She's not liking me because I'm a star.

She's not liking me because I'm whatever. She's actually, she's genuine. How long before you really get to feel that? I can tell pretty quick she was genuine. She was a teacher in like the south side of Chicago. Like, she was like Michelle Pfeiffer. Yeah, and I wasn't referring to her. Oh, got you.

I was in general, how long does it take? Because I met her, and she's many times. Yeah. And she's so genuine and beautiful inside out. Thank you. Well, she came to visit me like a month after talking, like, over text. And we both were, I think, we were excited, but we both realized the night before, like, oh, my God, I don't actually know this person very well. And she's about to come stay with me for, like, five days.

Yeah. So when she landed. And we were both, like, super nervous and didn't talk very much. And you were like, oh, great. Yeah, but then, like, you just settle in. And after, like, that next day, we were, like, very familiar with each other, and it felt right. But I think it was maybe, I think maybe a couple months in, we both started to know that each other was legit and could be trusted. Who said love first?

I think I did. Was it during cut? No, it was like on the couch, like, watching TV before she had to go back to Chicago. It was more like, oh, I'm going to miss this person so much. I can't believe she's got to leave and go back. Do you think, I mean, I think people who know me, like Rob, it's hard to see him look at me and be serious. Like, you see me be emotional or serious or like with a girl saying, I love you. I think that would just make, I see you laughing now.

Do you think that? I see the duality in you. I saw it right away. Really? I can see your very kind side and like caring side and nurturing. And then I can see you're like having fun, being silly, being a kid. I try to fit in still. I think we all try to fit in.

I got to be funny. I got to be this. Although it's weird now, now the first few times I met you, I felt like, oh, I got to be funny. This is one of the funniest people I know. And I got to be funny. And I got to prove to her. And Sarah Colon hangs out with Chelsea Handler and Fortune. And, you know, I got to be funny.

I think that's just a natural thing. And then after getting to know you, I was like, I think I can just be me now and say whatever the fuck I want. You're like, oh, fortune's not that funny in real life. That's not true at all. You're like, I got this. People love you. Oh, my God. Do they love you?

Oh, people are very, I just want to, I just won't like to have genuine connections with people, you know? Yeah. So it's, if we are laughing, that's awesome because it's natural and we're just having a good time. Like, we've hung out at Kelonnas and laughed so much. And then also we've, you know, sat down on talking. about stuff. I like both. Just getting to know people in that non-Hollywood surface-y way, you know. And that's why I think that now I've been doing this podcast and I talk about that. But it is because I am getting to really know you in a way here that we've never really talked about that we don't

bring up. So tell me about you how you started. You don't want to talk about this at a party. It's like we're on a friend date. Do you cry in front of a lot of people? No, I don't. Neither do I. I try not to. Yeah. I'm a cancer. though. Me too. You are? When's your birthday? I knew we were 7-Eleven. 7-1. Ooh. Okay. We're really stubborn. Yes, we're very stubborn. We're very

emotional and we give everything and we feel like we don't want anything except unconditional love. Yes. We don't want anything from you but just don't. Just be appreciative. Don't leave us. Just don't leave us. Please God. We want stability. Yeah, stability. And security.

Making money is important to me. Only in the only in the sense of paying my bills, having a roof over my head, being secure. Yeah. And, yeah, that unconditional law. Were your parents good role models? I have a very interesting relationship with my parents. My parents are...

Are they together? No, they've been divorced since I was 12, but they're now really good friends. But they're like nothing alike. They have nothing in common. They should never have been married, but the result is my brothers and I, so obviously it's... Two brothers? The purpose. Mm-hmm. And they're older?

They're older. They're both married with kids. I had really good guys. My parents instilled in us manners, responsibility, ethics, hard work, all the good stuff. But my parents had their own stuff to figure out back in the day where they had, they didn't make the, when they, right at, mostly after they divorced, they both kind of were like, well, my life's ruined. so I'm going to go do whatever the fuck I want and I'm like oh hi I'm 12 I need you

help me so they weren't really there for you emotionally not a lot during that time were they supportive in terms of like I love you fortune I'm sorry Emily I called you Emily Emily I love you you're talented we believe in you did you get that not like in that sense my grandmother was I was like so close with my grandmother. She lived around the corner. So she really stepped in. She was my unconditional love

person. Would she, like, talk badly about your parents like, oh, that? Never. And she was really great to my dad, even after the divorce, she would treat him. Because he grew up in, I mean, I think my child had had ups and downs. His was terrible. And his mom was terrible. So my grandmother really stepped in and was like a mother figure. And she never said a bad word about him. Was there infidelity yes your dad cheated yeah he did and that's how it ended i mean but on top of like a million other drinking no he was not a drinker no drinking or drugs in the family no thankfully we just you we just love food we just love to eat inside of you is brought to you by quince i love quince i love quince ryan i've told you this before i got this awesome sixty dollar cashmere sweater i wear it religiously you can get

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Download the Rocket Money app and enter my show name inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum in the survey so they know I sent you. you don't wait download the rocket money app today and tell them you heard about them from my show inside of you with michael rosenbaum rocket money it is pretty much you on stage it's very people don't realize how hard that is to like that you try to find a personality in the short time i was i've been doing it is i going i'm trying to find me and what like i'm trying to be real

because the audience can sense when you're not being genuine and you go up there and it's really like, oh, there's fortune. I'm like, hey, what's up, guys? She's telling a fucking story, and it's a good story. And people like her. I am a stand-up, but in a lot of ways, I'm more of a storyteller. So it's different, and I'm not, like, delivering punchlines every 20 seconds. I'm telling you a story.

We're going on a journey. And I'm lucky that people right now want to hear it. Yeah. And we'll see. Well, what made you want to do that? Probably that messed up childhood. I think me, too. There's something dysfunctional that I just didn't know who.

I couldn't find who I was. And being not being me was actually the best part of, like, doing a play. And I'm like, oh, they like me for this character because they're not accepting me when I'm not in the play. Yeah. I don't know. Was that similar or were you? Did you have friends? Were you popular?

I was always the person who was friends with everybody. I was never in a group. I was never like, oh, she's a part of the cheerleaders or the whatever. I was like that too. I was friends with everybody. The hoods, they called them the theater guys. Yeah, the smokers, the nerds, the, I just, I was somewhere in the middle. Like, if anybody ever said, hey, do you remember Michael Rosenbaum?

No. Some people might go, I think he used to. I doubt that. I don't remember there being any Jews in the high school. My hotel was small. I come from a town of five hours ago. Do you say your hotel? My hometown.

Oh, they said, at my hotel is small. I lived in a hotel. You went to school in a hotel. It's the South. No, we had five. Everyone knew who everyone was because it was a town of 5,000 people. But I, after my parents did what they did, I think I channeled that into school. Like, I didn't want to be at home.

So I want, like, school was the only saving grace. So you studied a lot? I was such an overachiever. What was your SAT score? I was a bad, I had a terrible SAT score. It's probably higher than mine. But I graduated from college, summa cum laude. So I was a great student.

Summa cum laude. What's the other lauday? Isn't there another one? Magna. Summa's the highest one. Obviously, I didn't get to that level. I don't even know whether or anything. I made all A's and only two Bs in all of college.

I got a C in nutrition. My SAT scores were shit, so, you know. Some people aren't good testers. I'm not a good testers. I don't test well. But I just kind of became an overachiever. I joined all the clubs. I played three sports year round.

Even in college, I was president of my school. And I just channeled. everything into I knew things at home weren't great so I was just like how do I become successful how do I make people like me but I didn't want I wasn't doing it just to be liked it was just like okay this other part of my life is really hard so where can I find happiness where can I find success right and that was at school but through all this through all this dysfunction with your family and you're 12 years old and you're not getting enough attention on top of it what age were you're starting to feel like, I'm looking at a girl, and that's kind of right to me.

It was a long time. It had to be early, because you're born with it, right? Yeah, for sure. It's 100% genetic. Exactly. What do you think about, what do you say to people who think, no, you can make a choice? I want them to watch RuPaul's track race and think, you think these, you think these guys just one day chose to, no, it's like who you are. It's who you are.

Yeah, exactly. And it's, you know, and the more. people can embrace who people really are, the happier we'll all be. I mean, I can look back in hindsight and pinpoint a thousand things. What was the one of the first things you remember? I mean, gosh, at five, like chasing girls with the boys. I was. And you didn't want the boys. I didn't want the boys, but I wanted to chase the girls with the boys. That's what you did. And you picked on the girls. My girls had it real hard, even from the start. That's how boys show they like. They show their affection. They pick on you.

Like, you're ugly. I love you. You're ugly. I need you. I really love you. I really adore you. But I'm too young to know what this means. Oh, you're the ugliest thing ever.

Your eyes are beautiful. That's what women have to deal with since age of five. They still have to deal with it. I know. So. And yeah, and I played tons of sports. I always wanted to, I wanted to be on this, you know, when you play soccer, they're like, you guys are shirts and your skins. And I wanted to be on the skin.

I always wanted to take my shirt off Because you can't be naked You can't be naked But you wanted to be I really wanted to take my shirt off I was like For the love of God Let me take my shirt off

I need to show my tits That's it That's the opposite of me I had no armpit hair As a junior in high school I was like nope I'm shirts or I'm out No one can see that I don't have puberty yet I was dying to

take my shirt off. Really? Were you a flasher? Were you at home showing your kids to your family or anything? Mom, look! Just long around in boxers and all tits. No. But yeah, you talked about manners. You had manners. At manners. So you probably didn't fart or burp or anything.

Oh, God, I did that. But I mean manners in public. Manner's in public as far as what utensils to use and putting your napkin in your lap, all that, holding doors for people. You know where the utensils go? I do. That's embedded in. I was a debutante. So I have all that.

I had to go to Cotillion. I have a very, I have a dual side to me as well of like, I grew up with this debutante manor's cotillion side. And then my dad was like, let's go eat chicken wings and watch NASCAR. Can you chew tobacco? Oh, God, no.

I don't even want to, though. It's so disgusting to me. It's pretty disgusted. You do it, don't you? No. You don't? No, I hadn't done it in many, many years when I was young. I tried it and I put a dip.

It's called a dip. A codiac. in my lip and it was just too much and I swallowed some juice and I threw up all night and I never wanted again. Oh, good. Rob, you ever dipped?

No. You never did? Do you ever smoke a cigarette? Yeah. You still smoke? No. You smoker? Nope.

Any pot? Nope. Nothing. So you really are just to kind of, you get drunk. Not often. Rob's perfect. Rob's perfect.

You drink. When you have a kid, you don't really drink anymore. Well, you wake up at 7 a.m. You met Liz Carey. she's a good friend of ours we love Liz we love Liz she'll get you know she'll give a

a babysitter to her the kid yeah she's not gonna watch she's responsible she's responsible mom I'm just saying but she still is able to have a good time they're a little bit older too they can that's true it helps a child's older yeah what did you oh I you said I drink I drink I'm not a big drinker but I get tipsy I get tipsy yeah

you tips on tips and tits on Tips and tips out? Tips and tips out. So when did you, was it hard to approach your parents about like, hey? Oh, yeah, you asked me when I knew about the lady thing. Yeah, and when was your first kiss? Mine was Meredith Kramer. Oh.

I think Meredith Kramer. Good old Meredith. She didn't like it. She didn't? Oh, she never asked for another one. Okay. So I heard the confidence. She was exploring her options.

Maybe. I did not really date anyone hardly at all in high school or college. I was just sort of asexual because I didn't know why guys weren't interested in me and I didn't know why I didn't think of them as more than like my soccer buddies or whatever. You don't realize that as men and women who are straight, you put out a thing, you know, there's a thing. I don't know what you call that. Is that the pheromones or whatever? Maybe.

And so I think when you're straight, you're, you're. Something about you is putting out something to the other person. And you didn't put much out to anybody. No, I didn't. And the guys didn't feel that pull towards me. So, you know, as a kid, you just think, oh, no one likes me. Like, guys don't like me. And you don't know why you're getting rejected.

And you were feeling this through high school, through college. Yeah. I just felt like, God, nobody. Because I'm not putting my attention towards women because I don't really know what it is. Because I am from small town south. there was no out people like the couple of gay people in my hometown were married to the person of the opposite sex and I remember thinking well that seems odd but it was life and you know the internet wasn't really into play until I was in college and there was no YouTube I couldn't like access to gay people yeah you had no real like I knew it gay was but I was like it's not something I understand it was frowned upon probably especially where you were from, where I was from in Southern Indiana. Well, people just didn't talk about it.

They just didn't talk about it. It wasn't like people were like, I hate queers. They just didn't talk about it. So I knew what gay was. I didn't know what it was in terms of me. And so it wasn't like I was less. I definitely had friends, women friends, who I was too intense about. I'd get really upset when they would meet a guy or going a day.

Wow. I can understand that. And I just assumed it was like, oh, that's, she's my best. friend and like I just assumed I was so in you got your hopes up for something that just wasn't going to happen exactly kind of upset you yeah so I had some I had a couple of intense friendships where I'm sure lose friendships because of it I we always were cool but there were moments on their part where it was like whoa like what calm down but no one's like you're gay stop being a homosexual towards me did you ever make a pass at anyone I didn't because I know you

didn't have the confidence, but I'm thinking maybe you're drunk one night in college and your friend Marie's looking good and you're like, no, you're gay, you just don't know it. Never had the confidence to do that. I just sort of, again, I think from what I experienced with my parents, I took whatever anyone was willing to give me love-wise. If it was a arm graze, there you go, I'll take it. If it was just, we'll hang out and go to the movies. I'll take it. So I didn't have enough in me from experience to say, no, I deserve more than this. I've got to find this in the right place. I just did. I was too young to know any better. So you just take what you get. That's incredible like incredibly sad. Yeah. It's sad because I think that happens

not only to gay people, but people in general. They just they don't for some reason they can't have that they can't find that connection. They can't they don't know how to do it and they end up. I mean, even I find myself alone at night going, even though it's different, I'm just like, but it's a different thing. It's like, I'm alone with myself at times. Like, what is it that I feel so alone? But for you, it was just like, you wanted the affection. You wanted these. I wanted it.

I just didn't know how to get it. And so I think a lot of, you know, when some people are like, why did gay people get all worked up about things? I think they, a lot of us, it's different now. I think in the youth that are coming up because more people are like at 12. I'm gay. Gender's fluid, whatever. But for a lot of us coming up earlier, it was

you just grew up with a lot of nose, a lot of like nope, nope, no thank you. And so there have been plenty of gay people who've overcome that and have, you know, so many gay people have very happy lives. And there are other gay people who have not been able to

dust that off. You know, alcoholism becomes... Overbearing parents. More rampant. That self-loathing. But, I mean, and that is not obviously just the gay community. Everyone, it deals with certain demons or diseases. But I do see it affect certain gay people in that being told no, even if it's not verbal, just the act of no-one's wants you.

It's tough. And it takes a little while to shake that off. So I went through high school and college With just sort of nothing I again I threw everything into work into school So you were you're hiding behind work Yes you were hiding behind it is the only place I could succeed

It's the only place I had any control People don't know what it's like like my friend Chris He's African American I couldn't possibly understand what it was like It is like to be African American To walk down the street and people look at you a different way or Hispanic or minorities in general or being gay. There's just something that straight people or white people,

they just, you don't get it. You'll never understand that feeling that you're being looked at differently, that you're being perceived differently, that you can't be. And for many years, especially being gay, I couldn't imagine going through high school, especially where I was from everybody's like, you're gay, you're a fag, you're, you know,

and people joke around, but they don't know what that does to people, especially when I couldn't imagine, all these things happening and then going i actually am i remember they called me rosy palm because rosy palm i was like what does that mean you jerk off i guess or whatever oh got you're gay and i'm like i remember thinking am i gay uh-huh am i gay i don't know yeah you know i used to in fact i thought there was a part in my time of my life but i thought i think i asked my dad and he wouldn't give me a direct answer you just said oh it's when two men bump weenies i go what hey that's pretty

It's pretty good explanation. Weenie bumping? That's all there is. That doesn't sound too bad. Two weeners just. Just wieners touch your head to head? Okay. Just popping each other.

Sign me up. Why are people frowning on weeny bumping? That doesn't sound too bad to me. Weenie bumping. Rob, you ever hear a weenie bumping? Yeah, I've heard of winnie bumping. I've heard of it. But I don't partake.

I don't partake. So when was the moment? Because it is a happy ending. Yeah, for sure. But what age did you finally? meet somebody who's like hey I'm attracted to you yeah well I will say things are better so it is

the journey's evolving for everyone oh yeah things are better in general like yeah but but if anyone that can it has a hard time understanding why you hear a lot of outrage on Twitter like gay people are so sensitive it stems from that all those all those years sure so that if that can help anyway understand

that's where that comes I think that's with anything right It's the same thing as like, okay, we have a black president now. Everything's, it's like, yeah, but we were, have you ever heard of the civil rights movement that was only 50 years ago? Yeah. There's, I mean, you just don't, again, you don't understand. It's education. It takes a minute. Yeah, you just have to be a little bit more.

What's the word? I don't know. Empathetic or sympathetic. Yeah, exactly. After college, I moved to Spain for a year and it was, I was by myself a lot. It was a year of reflection. I didn't have the pressures anymore. of like society because I was very alone.

I didn't know many people there. And I didn't, I still didn't kiss any woman or anything, but it let me sort of let go of the expectations of people, my family. And once I got back from Spain, I moved to L.A. to work for this actress. And I remember being in L.A.

I'm starting to see gay people around and like nobody gives a shit. People are holding hands. Was that fun? Yeah, but, but I was like, it's funny when someone's in the closet and either they don't know or they're intentionally in the closet

they get a little homophobic so I would get kind of nervous around especially lesbians I'd be like I can't be friends with her she'll figure me out but I'm not saying to this to myself consciously it's all subconscious so you don't know what you're doing and I just remember being

nervous in West Hollywood it was a lot it's a lot for someone. What year is this? This was like 2003, 4. And I remember seeing a gay pride parade on the local access channel and being like, huh, interesting. And I started to be like drawn, like drawn in a little bit.

And then the big kicker was the first season of the L Word came out. And it was like super hot chicks. I live with the girl who's one of the leads on that show. Oh, yeah? They were like banging everywhere. but then some of them were having like nice normal lives so to like see was this the first time where i mean obviously you before that there was the internet and porn and stuff you could watch gay porn would you do that no you want you want yeah you don't seem like somebody would watch a lot of porn no i didn't

watch it i wasn't really curious about that part of it the sex part of it you become more intrigued later i wanted to see normal gay people i was like what do two women that are just normal What does their lives look like? And in the first few seasons of the Elwood, it showed that it became salacious later on. But in the beginning, I was like, look at these women. They're real. They're real. They have professional jobs.

They're in healthy relationships. They've got a cute lesbian coffee shop. They're all hanging out at that appealed to me. Yeah. It's also educating. Yeah. And it made a world of difference. And that honestly was what sort of led me out of my fog and that I wasn't scared of it

as much anymore. This was when Craigslist was a really popular. It was before the guy murdered people on Craigslist. Craig or Craig? Craig. Craig started murdering people and it became a real downer. But you could meet people then. And that's when you started to do it.

You said, fuck it. Did you have a friend you could confide in and you were like, No, I didn't tell anyone. All alone still. All alone still. So you're born in 80, four years old, 24, 24. Yeah. I went on a couple of blind dates.

Were you nervous as fuck? Oh, terrified. Did you not kiss the girl at this point? Not kissed a girl. You're 24, 25 and you still haven't kissed a girl. And all three of those dates were awful. And I couldn't have gotten out of there faster. And no kisses on any of them.

No, because there was no chemistry. Well, what was the first one? It turns out that both of you being women and lesbians isn't enough to have a connection. It's called chemistry. That doesn't matter whether you're gay. I just got to find a lesbian and kiss her. Yeah. Well, there are times that you're having dinner, you're like, I do not want to F this person.

Yeah, for sure. You know, then you realize that, oh, this is just like straight people. You still got to find someone that you're compatible with. All of this sounds very naive, but it's just my journey. I don't know. And at the same time, you're starting stand-up comedy. Well, so finally in 2005, I tell this in my stand-up, I was watching a lifetime movie. I was watching a lifetime movie and it was a movie about a young girl in high school

realizing that she was a lesbian and I watched this girl's journey for an hour and a half. I guess, you know, these movies do mean something to people. And at the end of that movie, I, for the first time of my life, was like, oh, my God, I'm gay. It came to me like a time of print. A lifetime movie in 2004-5 made you realize. Yeah. All those chasing girls at the young age going through. high school, getting mad in college when your friend was talking to a boy and being enraged.

It was all underneath. You didn't know then. It was all underneath. But it kind of surfaced during this lifetime movie. Totally. It was like a volcano. Like, Rob, maybe you and I should both find this movie. And make sure we're not lesbians or be happy with it. But then after that, I started, I had still not kissed a girl, but I knew I was gay. And I told my parents. What'd they say? My mom was just, I told her at a Chinese restaurant. Did you tell her in Chinese? Had her open her a fortune cookie.

And it said, I'm gay. Your daughter will be telling you she's gay. I'm gay. She was just very quiet. She just listened to me. It was more of just like, are you sure? And I think for parents it's more of like everything I wanted for you or imagined for you is not going to be the same.

So your parents have to adjust their vision, their hopes. But a lot of parents who genuinely love their kids and want the best for them and still accept them for who they are, it's more of just, I don't want your life to be harder for you than it has to be. I think that's where a lot of fears come from. Right. And then you're like, okay, Mom, I changed my mind. I like men again.

Yeah. No. Of course. And my dad was just like, oh, you're my daughter. You're my daughter. I love you. You're my daughter. He didn't know what to say.

Did he don't call me your daughter? Stop calling me, daughter. Well, my mom was nearby. She's like, Mike, she knows she's your daughter. She's telling you she's gay. She's your gay daughter. Just deal it. Did he cry?

No, I think, but no, we just had a real moment. It was just like, okay. You know, we were talking like adults. Was it hard for you? The lead-up was hard, but in the moment it was okay. But they love me. I've never had any. That's why I say my parents have evolved a lot, too.

We're all very close now. They cannot be more accepting. My mom is actually a big gay advocate now. Oh, that's awesome. She is the president of my hometown P-flag, which is like the parent organization. Did you deal with a lot of hate, like, you know, queer, is this? You never really heard a lot of it? I have been to events where there's a lot of people outside with signs that are like,

I hate fags and you're going to hell. Like, you see that a lot of places. But me personally, I've been fairly lucky because you mentioned stand-up. The year I started to stand-up was right around when I came out a year before I started stand-up. So by the time I started stand-up, I was out. So I've never done stand-up in the closet. So you were making jokes right out of the closet.

Right out of the bat, yeah. But it almost, it's kind of neat that they came at the same time because coming out and realize I was gay was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulder. Like I was always a happy person. I've always been a very positive person. But I tell you, it was like, like the floodgates open. You just said, fuck it! Life would never been better because I was like, finally.

So you've only really been enjoying life for the last 14 years. Yeah, everything else before that was a blur. Kind of, right? It's like, this is who you are. Well, yeah. There's just a p. There's a piece in it just to like, oh, I can breathe. I know who I am.

And so starting stand up at the same time was kind of this beautiful crossroads of like these two things intermingling at the same time. Like, I finally know who I am and I'm starting stand up where I tell people who I am. Yeah. So it was a cool thing to start those journeys together. And last comic standing was like a big thing for you. Yeah. that was my first TV thing because I had been doing I started at the groundlings and stand up right around 2005 but it took you years to really get going yeah because I would do tons of shows locally around town people knew who I was because I was it was always at the groundlings were always at the comedy store right but I just no one knew what to do with me the industry was just like we don't did you get a lot of laughs always yep did you ever like not were you ever like going I love this but I'm just not good at it right now. I need to get better. Oh, yeah, for sure. I had a lot to learn. I still am

trying to get better. I mean, it's a journey. And I know a lot more now. Like, I tested twice for SNL back in 2009 and 2010. But if I, and I obviously didn't get it. But what I learned by being the Sunday company, just a year, two years later, I'm a different performer. If I had tested maybe two years later it could have been a whole different ballgame but it wasn't meant to be you know it wasn't that journey wasn't supposed to be mine so i always just trust i trust my path yeah and i trust it's hard to like it's hard to trust the path unless you know what path that really is right yeah but you can never know i guess you can never know i mean fate i always say the hand of fate will take you wherever it wants you know because i feel that way it's like i've done

all these different things in my life and I'm always trying to find purpose and like what's going to make me happy and what am I going to just and I think that those you're right it changes things change and you get pulled into a different direction and even though some people like what are you doing you're good at this don't be doing that you're pretty good at that but don't don't not do that even my business manager is like it's like hey you got to get a show here got to get you on the TV again oh yeah I'm like I don't know if I want to be on the TV doing that again you're like God thanks for the I mean, exactly. There's a lot of pressure that you just have to, it has to be, again, it's your

journey. Yeah. So I say, hey, with all due respect, Mark, fuck off. Yeah. I love you. Fuck off. This is my journey. And if I'm not making enough money for you to keep me, then I'll save whatever I'm making it and having it, whatever. And he's a great guy. Yeah. But like, you have to go in your journey. You have to do what you want to do. And you have to be open, you know, open to things and explore. Explore. Maybe things will come your way that you weren't expecting or like you didn't see yourself doing that type of thing and I don't know just be opening open to changes and whatever that is so I don't know I tried to just work really hard and how hard do you work what's your work I think I work a lot like wake up at what time

seven and what do you do at seven I coffee coffee breakfast news I'm trying to walk my dogs right now to just be healthier myself it's hard to do that it's hard I'm doing like every other day right now. I have an assistant. She doesn't even want to walk the dogs. I'm like, I pay you. Can't you walk the fucking dogs?

You live on a steep hill though. It is a steep hill, but it's not that steep. I walk up. There's no sidewalk. Yeah, it's dangerous. You can't see a dog. I'm usually on the, I'm usually on my email first thing in the morning.

I'm trying to just, because I don't have an assistant. I'm not as fancy as you. I'm not fancy. Here's the deal. I think with me is I don't have a partner. I, um, I travel.

lot. Yeah. You can't have dogs without having someone watch the dogs and I want someone who loves them unconditionally. Jess also takes care of me. It's like, you know, I don't have a girlfriend or wife. So, you know, when I'm sick, she's, she helps me when I need to go to that when I had neck surgery. She takes me there. She stayed an extra couple days. She stays when I'm gone for doing a show for three weeks. Yeah. And she's like family and I trust her. That's awesome. And it's like someone I, I've never trusted someone like this in my life. So that's to me, it's like I'm, I'm not paying her. She's my assistant. She's just. She's just. She's just. Just like, I like to surround myself with people that are family that I trust.

I know that I can go sleep on Rob's couch, right? Rob? You can come sleep on our couch. I could say, I feel like I could sleep on Rob's couch. Yeah, that's great. We love each other. We talk to each other. We're like, fuck you, dude.

I don't like, Kelly, you talk to me. What do you mean? You don't like how I talked to. I was just telling you to do this. I know, but I got a lot of shit on my plate, you know, and, and you're cool. Yeah. Rob, do you know what your, you're, what's the word, journey? You know where it's going?

I have no idea. Do you want to do, like, you know, Rob, Rob, this wouldn't be, I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for Rob. Oh, yeah? You should do a podcast. I'm like, eh, it's like you're good with people. You should do it. It's perfect for you.

It is. Well, it's become, it's evolved. We've evolved. So I thank you that for Rob for getting me to do it. But, you know, and then things evolve for Rob. So now he's doing another podcast, my other friend's podcast, who's, that's kicking ass, Dak, Jack Shepard. And it's fantastic.

So he's producing that. So Rob's career is really taking off. Now, you know, Rob could probably make a really good career out of just doing my podcast and Dax's yeah for the you know and then be happy but he's always thinking about I love Dax he's so cool Kristen's the best they were both on the show and I did um growlings with Dax's sister oh she's Carly plays softball with us every weekend yeah she's she's a wonderful and yurt good old yurt her husband or boyfriend I haven't seen carly in a number of years I hate that I haven't seen her but she's so funny yeah she's great she just texted me she did just

now tell her I said hi what does it say talking about armchair expert shirts i don't think we so where do you where do you see yourself do you want to do like uh do you want to do more netflix like have you done a netflix special i've done a half hour special a half hour special you want to do an hour i would love to do an hour i feel like no one considers you like a legit stand-up until you've done an hour i've done two half hours i've got one on comedy central from several years ago and then that the stand-ups it was the half hour but i would love to do an hour. I'm close. I've got about like 45 minutes right now. A solid shit. Yeah, but I need like,

I need to definitely get that last 15 really strong. And then you just got to find the rhythm. So that's what you're working on every day. Yeah, but it's hard because I'm doing, I, I spread myself pretty thin sometimes because I love acting. I really, really want to do more acting. And it's become, I think, come to the forefront for me. Like, but again, I'm a very specific type. I'm not going to just book roles all the time because, you know, people are always like, hey, where's a fat lesbian with a southern accent? I'm a very specific thing. So acting comes when it comes. And then I've started developing a lot again. I've sold two. You sold two TV shows, didn't you? I've sold two scripted TV shows in the past. I just sold a non-scripted

TV show. And then I've sold two movies to Steven Spielberg's company, Amblin. Yeah, so, come on. I'm working on those. So you're doing everything. I'm doing everything. So that, those movie rewrites are very time consuming. So it's hard to write my stand-up when I need to. I'm touring a lot, though.

So I'm constantly performing. You make a lot of money touring, don't you? Not like, not like the guys make. Not like, Bert and Chris. Do you think, is there some kind of the part of you? Because you're probably friends with a lot of these guys. But deep down, are you kind of like, oh, this is the bro. crew.

No, I love them. I love them. They've got there's like a click of them. Yeah, and I love them too. You know, it's just different with women. It's different. There aren't, most of the, most of the, most of them people going to comedy shows are men. They just are.

And so they, men tend to gravitate towards men. It's not as many men are saying, I got to go check out these chick standups. It doesn't happen to it. A lot of the dudes that come in my show are usually coming because their girlfriend or wife. Loves you. or yeah one of them and and I can always tell the guys will be like cross arms you know you can tell they don't want to be there but the great thing is that those are the first those guys are the first ones to come after the show high five and they will be like I didn't know who the fuck you were I thought my girlfriend was crazy and I didn't want to come and it's great I love that but the goal is that the guys will find me on their own and want to come because my shows aren't a bunch of diggy lesbian jokes. I know that's what I think people will think

and you know I was even watching I mean I've watched a couple of your shows and it's like that's exactly what it's not I try to talk about everything it's like hey it's like my mom texts me I gotta read you this fucking text of what my mom said she's like or the the thing where she's like and I was like oh my god I do this

my mom's on Xanax and she's like do you remember so and so it's like no you don't remember so and so no you can't remember so okay fine I do whatever she's dead yeah you know shit like that which is hilarious, which everybody can relate to. Yeah, because I'm a person first.

Being gay is part of me, but I am a person. So I try to do my stand-up that talks about every aspect of being a person. Some of it is being gay. Some of it is being overweight. Some of it is dealing with family. Some of it's whatever. It's life. So I hope that as I continue that I obviously love all the women that come to my show,

but I do want men to feel like they can come too. But my point is, it's a little easier for male comics to acquire a big fan base and a very loyal fan base. With women, it just takes longer. Who's your favorite comedian? Love Bill Burr. He's been really good to me. And he was good to me at a time when no one knew who I was. And he was, like, so awesome.

But he's so funny. Yeah. And I like, and he's, you know, he's one of those guys. He's been around for a while. He has a lot of respect as he should. and he can talk about things that other people can't and I love just his brain.

He's very smart and funny. What's female? Well, I mean, of course, I love Ellen. I do love Ellen. And I haven't watched her special yet because I have been out of town. But I draw a lot from her because she's a very positive person

who talks about life. And she does not put herself in a box either. Right. And I really love that vibe that she puts out. I also like Jade. No, yeah, Jade. You know, Jay? I think she's really funny.

She's kind of an up-and-comer. Uh-huh. But I think she's really funny. Erin Foley is very funny. She talks about a ton of stuff. Michelle Boutotow is very funny. Kristen Whig, I think,'s the funniest person on the planet. Well, she's just so talented.

She's not really a standout, though, right? But she's so talented. She could do anything. I personally think when somebody says, who's the funniest person on the planet, I always think Kristen Wig. I have on my vision board from this year and last year to, I really, hope that the universe lets me do a movie with her

someday. God, I would love to work with her. I wanted to date her years ago. Oh, I'm sure. She's like, God, find Christa. She's singing. I think she's married now. But I mean, anyway, yeah, I love it. She was so funny. Yeah. And it made her even more beautiful. You know what I mean? Just when someone's funny, it's just

yeah. She's rad. And Kristen Bell. Kristen Bell, but she doesn't do stand-up. I know, but I want to do a movie with her too. Do you want to do her? Do you find her attractive? I love her. Dexas is a couple. I think. She's gorgeous. Have you ever had sex with a man?

No, I haven't. Would you ever want to? I'm a gold star. I don't know. That's hard to answer now because I'm taken. But what if, yeah, let's hope that lasts forever. But if I weren't with Jacks, I'd be riding D's. Boom.

Oh. You'd be S&Ds and R&Ds. That's riding. I'd go skins. You'd give it a shot if they ever came down of that way? I'm not one to say like never know at no way. I don't know. maybe I would have.

Rob, could you S a D? I think that's just not in your genes. Rob says no. You're not attracted to me. I don't want an S a D. Right. You definitely never won an S a D.

I never want an S a D. But you are a D. Because D's like, you ride one. You'd ride one. What if you and... It's funny to joke about it, but what I actually like think about it.

What did you do? It's kind of a gross thought. It seems very gross. Is it gross to you like it is like to us like thinking of messing a D? Is it gross to you like to you? I'm not grossed out by men at all. Like, everyone just assumes lesbians are like, ugh, men, gross. Well, no, the single bisexual.

But I, and I'm definitely not bisexual. Right, right, right. But I have two, um, I've always loved men in a, and felt very comfortable with him because I have two older brothers. Right. And, and a dad. So I just, men have always been a part of my world and I'm friends with a lot of men. Have you seen a naked penis? Yeah.

Occasionally. Like, when, what, what, would you? your first like oh come on i mean my the first one i've seen very gross and it sounds very southern of me what happened i saw my brother's penis which brother my oldest brother was uh we our bedrooms were all beside each other and when he was in high school i walked by we didn't shut our doors at night and i walked by the room in the morning and he had a big boner he was asleep he had a boner going he saw his naked boner through the box you know Oh, but you didn't see his naked.

No, just this shaft part. Yeah. It was going through, you know, the boxer flat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I saw it and threw up. Did you throw up? No one wants to see their brothers. I saw my mom's breasts once.

And I was like, I'm going to throw up, but they were kind of cool looking. I was like, oh, gross. But I was like, oh, but they're still kind of cool. Oh, I'm going to throw up. It's my mom. Oh, those are tits. You were like a tits a tits. Yeah, it was like, oh, my God, I don't ever see those again.

but they wear tits. I've seen some friends' penises. I don't love the look of a penis. Some of your straight friends will show you a penis. Or gay guys. Yeah. I have a lot of straight female friends, and they used to show me the penises that guys, you know, the dick picks.

Right. They'd show me the dick pics. I don't like seeing, like, picks of penises. Well, it's weird because the guys are always taking the pictures from what's the angle. It's like down up. Downward dog. I don't know. So the penis looks a lot bigger.

Oh, yeah. So you're just seeing, like, the bottom of balls. That's weird. Yeah. It wasn't great. It didn't sell me. And gay men always have immaculate balls, right? They take pretty good care.

There's no hair, no penis hair, no butt hair, butthole hair. Rob, do you have butthole hair? Probably. Yeah, me too. I have butthole hair. I'll sometimes take an electric razor and I'll shave just the cheeks a little bit, the, you know, the inside. Just a little bit. I'll prop my leg up on the counter and I'll just.

I actually would love to see you shaving your bow. I would Instagram if I wouldn't get kicked off Instagram or if people would have said, what is he doing? I want to see you. He's gone crazy. I want to see you one leg up. One leg up. Shaving your butt hole.

Yeah. I'm sure there's hair. It's not my butt hole. I don't shave my butt hole. I mean, it's your butt crack. My butt crack. I'll shave it a little if it gets a little too hairy. I can't reach back there.

By the way, why do women? And you can't answer this because you're a lesbian. I can't speak for women. But like women are really turned off by a flask. they wanted to be hard i had a you know a girl i was dating and you know if like she's gonna give me oral pleasure i don't know why i said oral pleasure when i say a beege but she's like i'm not i'm not giving you head you're soft right now i'm like well it will get hard it like for some reason in their mind they didn't want to see a of something that was flaccid

a little warm so i don't know what is it wormy warm so i don't know about this is that i don't know about this, obviously, because I've never given a BJ. Is the rule that it needs to be hard first? Is that in the norm? I mean, I don't know. Sometimes if you're dating someone a while, it's like, hey, get me going. I'm not just hard immediately when someone walks in her.

Well, I didn't know how it worked. I didn't know. I just, in the movies, they're always real pointy. When I'm 46, I'm not going to always have a boner. I've told every girl I've dated from this time on, I'll say, hey, look, I'm 46. I'm not going to give you all you. I mean, I'm going to give you all I got. I'm going to give you all I got.

But look, sometimes it's not going to be enough. And if you're, there's a song. If your bet just isn't good enough, how could it be good at all? I don't know. At least you're up front. I'm up front. Look, I'm like, I got 80% boners. Okay.

You know, there's the first thing you say to a girl. Do you always get boners, Rob? I'm pretty consistent. He's married, though. You're 29? I'm 30. Okay. Fortune, do you are?

Are you always ready to go with Jackson's ready to go? I always have boners. Jacks. But I have a constant. 24-7 boner. Are you always horny? No. Are you always ready to go to

Jacks, the initiator, the instigator? No, we take turns on that. Does she ever say I'm not in the mood? Yeah, sometimes. Do you ever say I'm not in the mood? Well, I work. Who says it more? She says it more.

She's not in the mood. But we're pretty even on that. I mean, the thing with lesbians that is interesting is you become, you have to really, you become best friends. It's true. Yeah.

And the person becomes like your constant companion. So is it hard to stay attracted to the person where it's not like... You just have to remember to keep the romance because I am more comfortable with Jacks than anyone in my whole life. And that can be a... That's a great thing because you want to spend your life with this person. But also, if you're just like, we laugh constantly. During sex? We try not to during sex, but you have to sometimes...

You have to shift, you know, where you're just like farting and joking about things. sure to like hey hey baby you know i have to fart right now i had to fart for an hour during this conversation and it's romantic isn't it but yeah you have to you have to you have to you just fart i'm sorry you asked you said farting and it just my my butt just thought i'm sorry for that rob is looking at me like uh they don't smell though i deal with this all the time they don't smell but but uh you but you're so open i love you this is like there's nothing i can ask you that You don't, you just, like, you're so forthcoming. But, by the way, this happens for straight people.

Like, do you ever think, you know, sometimes a girl, you know, your girlfriend's going down on you? Rob Natalie's going down on you, your wife, who I'm talking about right now. But she's going down on you, and she's thinking, oh, my God, I just want this to get over with. Or you're going down, or I'm going down on a girlfriend, and, you know, I'm just, you know, just, you know. Thank you for that. Will you please have an orgasm so I can go to bed? Well, life. all like that. Life happens. I'm not always

turn. You're tired sometimes. Sometimes I'm just like, you know, you know, praying like, please stay hard. Please stay awake. Yeah. Please stay awake. And that happened. I think especially when you're the longer with someone, the more, you just are like, oh, I can't wait to just get in our bed

and go to sleep. Isn't that the number one thing? And the more I think about it, the more I think. Like, I'm weird. I think I'm becoming more of a woman in the sense that I'm like, companionship's more important. It's about friendship. It's about life. It's about are you going to be there for me? Yeah.

I'll be there for you. You know what I mean? Because sex isn't at number one when I was like in my 20s. It's not number one. I have to be attracted. I want to be attracted to you, I guess,

but that's going to go. Yeah, I know. That's why I tried, I tried to set them up once with a friend of mine and I knew within five minutes to the meeting it was not going to work. Really?

You don't remember that? What you tried to? I tried to say it was. I took me up. Yeah, I tried to set you up. A couple of those when I first met you. Oh, yeah. I thought she was.

pretty, though. Yeah, but there wasn't, y'all were not right for each other. Wasn't right. And I don't want to waste time, too. And when friends are friends of other people, I'm like, you know, I don't know if I want to go there, unless it really is there. But I don't think, I think then you weren't ready for what you're ready for now.

Yeah. I think, you know, it takes guys, I think, longer to get to that place where companionship is more important. Because for men, sex is way more important for a good majority of your life. And not to say that it's not important for you still, but you're finally thinking more in the lines of companionship.

You've given me a lot to think about, fortune. I'm pretty smart. You are pretty smart. Don't let my southern accent fool you. I know a lot about straight couples. I'm sure you do. Well, I watched you guys for a very long time while I was on the outside. There's something to be said about that.

You've observed for a long time. So if any straight people need any relationship advice, let me know. Where can they find you? What's your Instagram and Twitter? Fortunefeemster.com. And I'm on tour. Boston, Austin, Vancouver. By the way, she's...

Tacoma, Seattle. She's hilarious. You have to see her. You will really enjoy this show. Everybody who goes and sees her says, do you remember when I was like, hey, my friends want to see you, can you give her tickets?

Yeah. I mean, that happens all the time. You hear that all the time. You're genuinely fun. You're a genuine person. Oh, thank you. I've enjoyed being inside of you today. I hope you've enjoyed it.

It felt like you were inside. Right. I feel like this was just a real treat. I hope you. Did you have fun? I had a great time. I love talking to you. That's why I'm glad you're doing this podcast because you're very easy to talk to. Well, thank you. And you know a lot. You're friends with I feel like everyone. Yeah, I don't know if they're friends with me. But you're very personal. So sitting down with you, I feel like we've been talking for like five minutes. Did you enjoy this? She's great. Yeah, we've always wanted to. Rob Keith sit very close to the best. He doesn't really let you know where, where, where. you stand with him. I'm going to give you a little insight. Yeah. On one podcast with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yeah. Rob revealed that he doesn't necessarily love himself.

Oh, Rob. Along with Jennifer and myself, we don't love ourselves as much as we should. Yeah. And we're working on that. Everyone's work. I don't, anyone that loves themselves like a ton, you're kind of like, what's wrong with you? But listen, the goal is to feel good about yourself. I make other people feel good too.

Yeah. How about be a good human being? It doesn't need to be all about us. No. All the time. love ourselves and love others. Can I call you if I ever need you? I would love for you too.

I would. I hope you will. I will. And we got to, we got to hang out. We do. Michael's like the mayor of getting people together and hanging out. But I was on the,

I was on tour a ton. I flew 150,000 miles last year. Oh my God. So it was crazy. Listen, this year's not as, I don't think, me either. I calmed down a little. I don't have that many cities,

but I do have a karaoke room downstairs and you're coming to that with Jacks and we're going to have a big lesbian straight fuck fast. I'm kidding, I'm not. I'm going to sing some journey. Oh, yeah. I love the karaoke.

All right, thanks for allowing to be inside you. I appreciate you. I love you. You're always welcome here. Thank you, Michael. And guys, check her out. What is it? Fortunefeemster.com.

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