Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum - Jim Jefferies

Episode Date: January 29, 2019

Jim Jefferies (The Jim Jefferies Show, Legit) discusses being physically abused by his mother growing up and how he’s been able to forgive her, his relationship with ecstasy and cocaine in his 20s, and how everyone dies alone. Jim opens up about how hard it was when Legit got canceled, the time Paul McCartney saw him do stand up at the Comedy Store, and having his butthole shaved for hemorrhoid surgery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum with me, Rob Hollis. Rob, how are you? I'm good. I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad you're good. You know, this guy is someone who's got his own show on Comedy Central, our guest

today. He goes, he makes like millions of dollars for doing six shows in Australia. I don't know if you want to you talking about that. He didn't say that. I'm just saying I bet he made that much. Okay. He's a great dude. he's a guy that's been partying his whole life he had this show called legit that got canceled that

really upset him that i watched and i really enjoyed and he had like this uh disabled uh or special needs uh one of it on the show his brother's friends disabled and um he well there was an actor playing an actor playing him and he takes the kid who can't really move any limbs to a strip bar and you get the kid gets blown it's a brothel it's a brothel yeah that's a place i'm talking about but i like that he took chances and he was upset that he got can't Because I've taken some chances with shows that I've written. And, you know, it's hard to get things on the air. And people want to change all these things.

And he's one guy that really likes to stick to his guns. He's a genuine guy who started tweeting me every once in one going, hey, mate. Yeah, you know, come over to the show some time, you know. And is that a good Australian accent? No, I think he would probably cringe if he heard this. No, no, no, no, no. He's not terrible. It's not terrible.

You try it. Try it, mate. You know, if you see Melbourne, you say like Gold Coast, you say like, Adelaide, Brisbane, you know, it sounds pretty good, right, Mike? Getting a little better. Fuck you, Rob. Jim Jeffreys, dude. This guy has got an enormous following.

If you just sit there and turn on the mic, I didn't even need to ask him a question. He could just talk. I really enjoyed it. Did you enjoy this one? You've been waiting for this for a while. Yeah, yeah, I'm a big fan of Jim Jeffrey. Were you happy with the way it turned out? I was.

Did I ask him everything? I'm happy that he mostly talked and you didn't talk that much. Thank you. Let's get inside Jim Jeff. freeze. It's my point of view. You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum. Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum was not recorded in front of a live studio audience. Yeah, if you miss this, Rob just missed the record button. We're talking about the taste of pineapple and what what it does to a person. Is that an urban myth or has it been proven?

Rob, have you ever had your wife say, hey, my semen taste like, I wanted to be respectful. You see how you're a little seaman? Does it taste pineappily, fruity tart? When I got my wisdom teeth out, I ate a lot of pineapple and pineapple juice. Why is that? Apparently, it's good for how it heals. Yeah. I was born without wisdom teeth.

Is that true? Yeah, they x-ray you when you're a kid and they can see whether you got them or not. I was born with no wisdom teeth. Does that mean that I'm the next step in evolution? I think it might be. That's got to be the next thing to go, right? I mean, I've never heard of someone born without wisdom, too. I was born without wisdom.

So it's got to be the next thing. Like, we lost our tails. Now the wisdom teeth aren't necessary. We went from tails. We have a tailbone, right? Yeah, we did. We did. It was a little elongate.

We still do. Some people do. I think some people are still born with that, aren't they? Yeah, they're going backwards. I'm going forward. I'm the next step in evolution. You're the face of evolution. I'm what the future looks like.

You know, I was worried about, by the way. Thank you, Jim Jeffries, for allowing me to be inside of you today. I just want to say, you know, I heard a lot about you. Like, you and I, there's Jeff, my assistant, Jess. She's marvelous. Yeah. Oh, look at that. I gave you a real good A then.

They're very rare. You don't give good ais? I do, but, you know, just one in the wild that wasn't put on. That was a genuine one. Was it? I sometimes, about, about three times a year, you get a real croaky out of me as well. A crocky? Crocky?

That's what you say, crocodile? No, crikey. Like, a good joke. No, no, no, like when you fall over or something. big, oh, crikey. That was like Steve Irwin's big thing. Crikey. Oh, really? I didn't know that. The new show of the Irwin's called Crikey. It's the Irwins. It's meant to... But you don't say that often either. No, no, no real people says that from Australia, but I sometimes give an authentic one just by accident. I normally say if I'm tilted back in a chair

and I've just tilted that bit too far and then I grabbed the table, that you'll get a genuine Crikey then. Oh, yeah. Oh, Crikey. That's kind of a cute word. By the way, my assistant who just left. she's going to kill me but she was like oh my god he's so hot really yeah she said that a long time ago though oh yeah she think a lot i think a lot of people find you hot you're very self deprecating which probably i don't know about that i'm sure i'm sorry about that i don't know you're coming back that's embarrassing just just came back in the room but it was i told him carrying a bit of seasonal weight it was a long time ago when you said he was hot though it was a long

time ago she's fucking she's gonna quit can she sue me for saying that no no i don't think so it's not defamation is it no i don't think so but uh by the way you know a lot of people People were telling me, like, you know, Jim, by the way, we're our mutual friend, Tommy Caprio, who produces your show, yeah. Yeah, and my brother, Eric Rosenbaum, he did. He's always down there doing a podcast with Tommy. I see him all the time. So I asked him, I said, hey, give me some inside scoop.

And they really didn't want to tell me. They just said, look, he'll tell you stuff. You don't even have to fucking try to get anything out of him. I am, I'm an open book. Do you think that's why you're so successful, because you could just say whatever the you want? I think that there is an argument for that. I made a conscious effort maybe a bit over 10 years ago where I was just like, oh, fuck it.

just tell every story. I think that's what, like, Howard Stern decided to do, you know. So on stage, I just, you know, anything that happens to me, I just tell it, you know. I'm sort of like that, but then listening to you, I'm like, well, he goes a step further. Like, you were on Conan O'Brien. I think it was Conan O'Brien. You were talking about, you know, keeling over in a doctor's room while they took out your hemorrhoids. Yeah, I had a hemorrhoid surgery where they put me on, like, a triangular pillow with my ass in the end.

And they shaved my asshole. I was still conscious for us. That's pretty cool, though, free shaving? It was, I didn't know it was so hairy down there, but now it was lovely and pert and, uh, but I had horrendous hemorrhoids where 20 something stitches. And then they put me under and they do that count down from 100 or count up from to a hundred.

10, I thought. Yeah, you're out. You're out, you're out, though, because you're so used to all that stuff. Yeah, you're out at about seven or something like that. And then the lady is one of these things where you don't want to be famous in that moment. And the, the nurse, the nurse looked down and just as I passed out with my assholes sticking in the air after they shaved it, she went, boyfriend's a big fan of bang and then I was out and you're out and then I probably had horrible

nightmares that was just that you don't remember I was in turmoil yeah well I just had neck surgery I had all that anesthesia I don't remember a lot of that stuff I love it I love anesthesia I love anesthesia I love anesthesia you're the first person that's ever said usually people say they feel nauseous they feel terrible for me I I have Crocorkian not Corvorkian was my anesthesiologist and I said to him I said dude can you please I look that I don't do drugs I don't do a lot of drugs I smoke a little can you make this last longer the fentanyl or the whatever can you make it let me just enjoy it so he would let me live it for like four or five days minutes no no but i like i would really i wouldn't be out so fast and i would just say some crazy shit but i just would i've never felt so good because

they put the ivs in you and i don't we're not telling we're not condone this are way no i thought yeah they put the i v in you and then yeah and like you're looking at it swells up i even still got some swelling here and it's like but then once they inject you with this stuff i don't know is it fentanyl and whatever i don't know what it is i don't know i'm not an anesthesia but how how good does it feel oh it's fantastic oh better than anything i've ever felt it's it's fantastic i like i remember when my when i was my son had to be put out for a little tiny hernia surgery when he was a baby and that was bad just seeing like a lifeless baby's body i've really brought this right down well it's fine it's fine so now are you a cryer when you see your little

baby on the on the table do you actually are you a tear i i'm not no not in that situation i cried when he was born you did yeah was it a genuine cry it was a genuine cry it was a genuine little and it was probably that the loss of my freedom you know probably it was probably like we had a good run look at you you've ruined it yeah you've ruined it um no i cried a little bit when he was born yeah he's like six now so he's old so he doesn't he doesn't make you cry He's got his own life now. He's got his mates and he's moving out next week. Yeah, he's got his friends and he's got all of his opinions.

They're all pretty set in stone. And they're all here. I mean, he's hanging in his friends, right? He lives here. Yeah, he lives in me. His mother lives like less than a mile apart from me and we have one week on one week off. Oh, so she's not an Australian. No, no, no, no, no.

She's Canadian. Aren't they nice people? They aren't you? No, but I've filmed some shows up in Canada. They never get mad up there. Why did I think you were Canadian? Because I did Smallville for seven years. I did another show up there.

I know the anthem. I know most of the provinces. Yeah. You like hockey a lot? I like hockey. Big ice hockey film. You know, like the first time we met and you won't remember this, but me and you commentated a celebrity hockey match at Sundance.

Are you serious? Yeah, we did. And I'd never done anything. I just got roped in it at the last second. I was up there for some other reason. When was that? There was like... Ten years ago.

Ten years ago. Alan Thick was playing. He was alive then. Yeah, Alan Thick. was alive and was one of the players. Yeah. Right. So that time days.

I think you were still bald. I think you were sort of shaped head from Smallville. You didn't know who the hell I was. I knew who you were. I knew as Smallville was, yeah. You did? You watched Smallville? I watched Smallville.

I watch Impostas as well. Is that one? Impaster. Impaster. Yeah, I watched that. You did? Yeah, I watched the first season. You know what I liked?

And I'm not blowing you right now unless you've had more of this pineapple drink. You have to say legit because it's the only thing I've made. By the way, I did. I watched it because I really wanted it, you know, and I knew, I heard Tommy said that you were, it really upset you that it got canceled. Very much. Yeah. And that's, and it passed off. And it passed off.

And it passed. And it, you know, I was a little upset, but you, I mean, this was your baby. I mean, this is something you really kind of. Yeah, and it got canceled for the wrong reasons. It got canceled because the network wasn't getting along with the showrunner. And, you know, so there was, and it was right on the bubble, the ratings. But we also got fucked over. We got put on FXX, which was the, and since then, I've, I've.

I've been told by people at FX, like, hey, we shouldn't have canceled that? Yeah, that show was good. I don't know why we canceled that. Isn't that something? And you're like, we just fucking bring it back then. No, we're stopping you. It's exactly right. They won't.

They won't do it. You've got some free space. They won't, for pride reasons, but you've got some free space. Louis's not doing a show there anymore. That's true. He's not. You've got that space is. And it was only a three-banger really well.

You got the mom and you got the other day. I mean, you've got some characters, but for the most part. It was based on real people. Yeah. It was based on 100% real people. The guy that I was basically living with, well, I was living with during college, his brother had muscular dystrophy, and we'd take care of it. And you really took him to a stripper?

We took him to a brothel. A brothel. You really did that. We really did that. We took him to a brothel. We undressed him. We laid him down the bed. Did he have a heart on it?

Did it go in your mouth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a good job. But maybe it tipped your lips. Yeah, it spranged up at me. Was it a big one? Yeah, you had a big dick on him. He did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he had a big thing. But he's since dead. I can say, you know, I'm sure if he's listening up there somewhere, he's happy to hear that, but not that I believe in it up there, but anyway, no, we took him to a brothel and with the full intention that his heart may give out during the whole. And his family knew this. Everybody knew. No. No.

Oh, this, so in the, in the show, the family knew about it. Yeah, in real life, in his brother. So that could have been manslaughter? I don't believe so, because I don't know. the legality is, but he was a willing participant, and I wasn't in the room when it happened. I was standing at the front of the door. He couldn't move. He was... But he could talk to you. He could still talk. He was at the latter stages of muscular dystrophy. All of his muscles had deteriorated. He was steering around with a little tiny joy. He spoke slowly.

But his dick worked. He had to eat up, mushed up food, like, because his jaw wasn't strong enough to chew. You know what I mean? Like, he was in a fairly vegetated state at that stage. And this people really responded to it. Like, they really appreciated what you did in that episode. We got more people writing me nice things than I've ever had in my whole career. But people who are, like, saying, I wish I could do that for my brother or sister or whatever. And it's like, well, you should. Just go to Vegas.

Just go out of Vegas. But in Australia, it's like brothels are such commonplace. There are main streets with big signs. This was like, we went to the place called the Daily Planet. And it has like a big planet like off Superman. Right. The big globe spinning around. It's just a storefront.

It's a proper brothel. It's on the main road. You get sued for that? No, no. I don't know. You're asking me a lot of legal questions here. People getting sued all the time. Maybe they had a deal with the Star Wars folk. Not Star Wars.

Oh, Superman. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so they had like the old sort of the globe that would spin around and everything. And it was a proper, they're proper brothels. They're not like going into like what I imagine a backyard, brothel in this country would be an illegal one. Right. It's very like you go in the front and hello and you can pay with your credit card

and the girls all stand up in a line and you just pick one. You've done it before. Oh, just that one time that I went along Yeah, yeah, is that true? I've had a few rubbing tugs in my day. Yeah, yeah, I think we all have. Yeah, yeah, I've had a rubber. Rub and tugged are very popular Australia. I've gotten one

and it was with one of my friends who's a hockey player brought me to Toronto and I thought I was just getting a Well, here it's got an Asian overtone. I don't understand why. This wasn't Asian. This was a place in Toronto. I was doing a movie called Urban Legend, and he just took me for my birthday to get a massage.

I thought I was getting a massage, and she told me to take a shower and lie down, which is odd, because how many times did they say take a shower before you get a massage? Yeah. And the next thing you know, she flipped me over. She says, you can't touch me, but I can touch you, and I go, whatever.

And she took my thing, and she pointed it down. You know, you're not supposed to point it down because when it's erect. Yeah, I know how the penises work. You know, it's a little, but it was almost a, I just don't mind. I'm mine and a guy with muscular dystrophy. But it was to the point where it wasn't painful, but it was almost there.

And it was, I mean, it was like one, two, three, Shawshank, Redemption, out. It was done. Yeah, the ones in Australia have a hole in the massage table. So that when you, while you're getting a massage, your dick can live freely downwards into the table. Is that true? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes they wank you underneath.

I've been told underneath the table. I've been told. Did your friends, what's his name who passed away? Dan. Dan. God bless Dan. The thing about Dan was as well, and I assume his parents, so I do a comedy routine. His parents never liked me.

They still don't like me. And they know the story now. Well, I don't know. I haven't really spoken to them in years. But when I lived with their son when I was in university, they didn't like me then. And I was in my early 20s. Why didn't they like you? I think they thought I was a bad influence on their other son.

Were you? I wasn't a good influence. he was, you know, like, do you remember like when your parents had that kid that they were like, you have to stop seeing that kid, right? And you knew in your harder hearts that you were the one that pushed that kid to smoke or you were the one that made that kid do something bad. And then the parents always blame the other kid. He was as bad as I was, but I wasn't, you know.

Well, my mother was the opposite. He says, I really, I like this boy. I'm a good judge of character. And that was the kid. Only one who's got it wrong? And he went to prison who, he killed a man. Really? Two years later.

You had a friend who killed him. He killed a man and went to prison for it. How old was he? He was 19 when he did it. I stopped hanging out with him when I was 15. Why did he kill a person? He broke in to steal some stuff and the guy woke up and he didn't know anybody was home and the guy was really old and the guy came at him with a crowbar or something in my former friend.

Is he still in prison? He hit the guy fell and died, hit his head died. And he's still in prison, but he gets out soon. I bet he's going to be hitting you up. I hope not. We're going to have him on the show. Yeah, yeah. Well, we weren't, look, when we were younger, we were friends,

and then he started sniffing gas and doing things that I was just like, hey, man, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be doing this stuff. There was a weird thing in the back of my head that was just like, this isn't quite right. He was doing weird shit. When you start doing drugs, were you just sniffing paint? Gas or paint.

Did you never do that? No, I never sniff gasoline and, no. What were you doing? That was a bad influence? Um, drugs-wise, that I've been? Yeah, drugs. I've only ever been a big fan of the ecstasy. in the cocaine, really?

Was the two big, big ones for me? At what age was, was this? 17, 16? 17, yeah, something like that, yeah. You seem like a guy that, I think it's in your blood. I think it's like some people could just handle certain things. Yeah. And some people can't.

Like, I can't handle it. I don't really anymore. But, uh... You have a twitching your left dying? I have a bit of, I got to get that sleep out. You, look, you have a lot of responsibilities. I do. You have a son.

You have a big job on Comedy Central, a show. I have to take care of Tommy Caprio. Tommy Caprio, you've got to do all the stand-up. And, like, for someone who, like, you still live your life, have you slowed down a lot? I slowed down substantially, yeah, oh, yeah, fuck yeah. I couldn't be doing what I was doing in my 20s. And I don't think any of my mates that I was doing it with are doing that anymore. None of us live through it, so to say, where we just kept on pounding it, you know.

But in my 20s, living in London, that was the norm. The norm was to go out and get wasted and then do drugs. and you know that was just what it was you know i've been to australia four times i'm going again this year australia is very expensive for the drugs is it really yeah yeah can't get him in there a gram a cocaine's like almost 400 bucks how much is a gram like 50 bucks no i mean how big how big is it with your hands it's a little tiny bag just a little tiny bag right i'm not i'm not a coke out of yeah it's a little tiny bag right right right it's enough for a night or two right but i'm just saying i wasn't saying for the drugs i was just saying that i had been there oh you've been there

I thought I was going to talk about the hardships. No, but I really love Australia. It was the only place that I think I'd live if I wasn't here. I don't know what it is. I think there's just a mellowness, a laid-back quality. Every time I go back there, I do go, why did I leave this place? It's really fucking nice. It's just beautiful.

I've been to Perth and Sydney, Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Gold Coast, Adelaide, Brisbane. Adelaide, is nothing going on there. Yeah, there's not a ton going on there. What's your favorite city? I like Sydney. I think Sydney's the best city. I like Perth as well. I like Perth as well.

I think Perth is beautiful. and has a nice mix of city and sort of feeling quiet. Do you hate when people try to do the Australian accent? No, I just, no one really does it great, do they? You know, the last person do it really well was Meryl Streep and the dingo stole my baby movie. Which I always, you know, find weird when Americans just reference that line to me. Right.

The dingo start my baby. Okay. You know what's about a real story about a baby dying? You know what I mean? And not that long ago. Why don't you quote Sophie's choice next? Yeah, it's from the 80s, like, not that long ago. Yeah.

And you're just like, I think I was getting pretty good at it for a while. I can't right now probably, but Rob, you heard me rehearsing it before, right? Yeah, you were practicing upstairs on the dogs. He is what I do, Adelaide, Melbourne, and Brisbane, throw it away a little bit. My accent's changed over the years through living in England and living here, and the big difference for me. Those people understand you. Yeah, in comparison to what you hear from, I got a little bit of British

phrasing now. Also, I don't go up at the end of all my sentences. I don't do that anymore. Not everything sounds like a question. Oh, is that Australians? Do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They go up at the end. Yeah, they tick up at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything sounds like a question. So we're going to my dad's funeral. You know what I mean? Like it's...

Yeah, yeah. You should bring that one down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do that. And I speak to my relatives and they think that I'm like, oh, here he comes. Oh, here's your highness with these high They really say not. They just give it to you, don't they? Oh, fancy old Jim here.

Oh, look at Jim. Yeah, I find, if I'm going to go back, the accent is a little jarring on me because I haven't heard people. And also, I do enjoy being the one person in the room to have a wacky accent. I enjoy that. Yeah, and I think you get laid probably a lot more. English, Australian, when you have a foreign accent, it just helps you. I think, well, there's certain accents. You sound smarter.

I don't think Eastern European helps you. Yeah, maybe not. No, like, hello, how are you? That doesn't, there's no woman that goes, there's no women who goes to a party and here's like, my name is Surrey and goes, oh, I love a guy with an accent. Where's your accent from? Well, here'll we go. You never get that one.

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Yeah, I do little impersonations here and there. I can do a few impersonations. I'm not a big into impersonation. What's the impression that you're like? I heard you do a Michael Kane. I do a terrible Michael Kane. But what happens is I do, if there's a story that involves a person. I'll do the impersonation. So I can do Cliff Claving from Cheers, but only because

he was on legit the whole time. And I've spent a lot of time talking to John Ratsenberg. Would you do Ratsenberg to Ratsenberg? Hey, Jay, Johnny. Hey, Jimmy, I'm just going to have lunch over here. I tell you what. That's great. The Democrats are trying to ruin this country, right? That's perfect. And he used to be obsessed with light bulbs. He used to go, ah, yeah, what I do is they go to hardware stores. I buy all the old light bulbs. with the old filament because these new LCD LED I don't know they can't read not enough light coming off of them that's Ratzenberger and did he mind you doing it in front of him that you know I've done it in front of him he doesn't give a shit and he used to have like a garage filled with

old light bulbs one time I was in Kansas and he was there just he all he does he goes to lots of comic cons and he signs like yeah I'm hammy the pig that was like when we did legit it was like when there was like a girl on set if you were talking This is, you know, you were talking to a girl, and I could always gauge if the girl was too young to talk to. Like, they're all over 18, but you could always gauge if the girl was too young to talk to. If, okay, if the girl knew John Ratsenberg is Cliff Clavin from Cheers. She was good. Good to go.

She's older. Good to go. You can talk to that girl. If she knew him as Hammy the Pig from Toy Story, don't go there. Yeah, too young. She still might be like 23 or something, but it's still a different, it's a different mindset. By the way, something's on my mind right now. It's something of I have ADD.

and I'm thinking right now still to Dan. Did he have sex that night? He got a blow job. He got a BJ. Yeah. He did indeed. I thought we were past that.

I didn't want to get past. I was like, wait, we got past it, but I want to know the true story. He ejaculated over that young lady's face. Ratsenberg's right there with him. I try to help him out. I'm just working at the brothel cleaning up, mostly mopping. Now, you say you're on the spectrum.

You made that joke? See, I find this a weird, because I had one doctor say that... What does that mean? mean, by the way, for people who don't know that way. This is how I look at it. They say the spectrum's autism. Autism, yeah. And I look at it as something that could be 1% to

100% and I'm sitting somewhere in the 3 or 4 mark. Oh, 3 or 4% autistic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a few little quirks that I had to train myself to look people in the eye. In the last five years, I've gotten really good at it. Oh, so you couldn't look people in the eye? Yeah, I used to always look down and I never looked people in the eye all the time.

I've gotten better at that. But it's also, you know, knowing when to shut up. But this is the thing. I think we're giving away too much to the spectrum. We're diagnosing personalities. Some people are just assholes, right? Some people are fully autistic and have issues and lots of stuff. But some people are just awkward, some are just awkward.

Some are just naturally funny or naturally ADD are out there. Yeah, yeah. And you want to just give them a name. Everybody wants to their title. Everyone's personality has to be given a condition. Yeah. And so when I was a kid, they tried to say, had ADD.

And it's like... Tarats would be something I'd say that people would say, oh, Jim Jeffries, Terats, that makes sense. Or are you someone who tells it like it is

in terms of to people's faces? Because you will address an audience. I'm not... I'm not... I'm not mean one-on-one with people. I don't think. I don't think ever at work or anything I've ever...

You know, I don't... I don't believe I am. But who... This is the problem with life is... We're all the hero in our own stories. We're never the villain. And I have so many villains in my life. And I've got to be the villain

in some people's stories. Who's the villain in your life? Who are the villains? Oh, I have family members, ex-girlfriends, some teacher at the PTA that fucking... All right, well, let's go there for a second. So was your childhood good? It wasn't great.

My childhood wasn't... I had a mother, I still have a mother, who was very quick to strike you. She was very much into the physical punishments, you know? And also, she had unregulated. To this day, I won't date a person with diabetes. And I know that sounds really harsh. But if you say to me, like, oh, I've got diabetes, it's not a big problem.

It's a matter. No, I can't. She had it. Yeah, she had it. And she didn't manage it well. And she used to go on hypo attacks and irrational fucking, she'd come into our room and tear the room up and smash everything down. And she'd hit you. Was it a daily thing?

Yeah, it wasn't daily. No, it wasn't daily. But it was, it was, you know, we were yelled at every day. Every single day we were yelled at. And, you know, I, um... Did you hit you with a weapon? Yeah, I wouldn't spoon. Well, no, I got hit with the belt buckle end of a belt.

And once on my head cracked open with that, like blood everywhere, you know. And how does she do when you have to go to the doctor? And does she have to go to the doctor? You just say you fell off your bike, you know? Does she tell you what to say before you go in? Yeah, I don't remember the ins and outs of that, but I do remember, like, saying bullshit to the doctors. I don't remember, like, the car ride over and what, you know, but I remember bullshitting to the doctor.

Are you sitting there with, like, a rag on here? I picture this little. Jim Jeffries, a little Jimmy, and with a rag going in his mind, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, oh my God, I hate you. Did you have not really? Me and my mother have made up. You made up. In the last year, we've had a, we had a lovely chat where she apologized for a lot of the crappy things. And in all fairness, my father never, he just didn't really discipline that much. So I feel like she thought that it was all on her life. And I get that a little bit now with my kid. I do the line share of the discipline with my child now. So you do feel. feel a little bit of resentment sometimes towards the other partner because you're the one doing all the bad bad guy stuff well did you learn a lot from your mom do you when you're i i did i did learn that failure wasn't an option you know that what wasn't an option what wasn't an option failure

was yeah because she was always like you'll be a loser you're going to be nothing well how hard is that on you because i i mean i think i feel that all the time i think a lot of people feel that i feel like you know like i have to be great at everything and if it's anything under i'm a failure yeah i'm trying to fix that. Yeah, but why would you ever be a failure? Look how, look at you, you've got a movie cinema down here in a great big house. You live in the hills. Exactly. Why, why would I feel like a failure? Why would I? Because in past, it got canceled after two seasons. Yeah. It never ends. Well, you know, I think it stems from childhood. I think it stems from like, you know, you're not hearing I love you. I'm proud of you no matter what. I think I, like Rob here, his parents were really supportive.

He's 29. He's got a kid. He's got a kid at 29. I'm 30. I got a two-year-old, though. But he's got his shit together. But he's doing the modern day that's a little young. Yes. Yeah, a little bit. The dad's at my school, it's fucking, there's like 80-year-olds and shit. And that's something. Fair income, I go to the school.

There's like this one guy who's as decrepit as fuck. And I'm like, I'm helping him upstairs. I think, oh, this is someone's grandfather. Right? And an old grandfather for the kid's age, you know. Nah. Dad. What do you think that is?

It's the old, I'll tell you what it is. It's the old guy. getting the young woman and going what do I have 10 years anyway and let them have what they want they'll watch the kid yeah they can they can have the inheritance and have the fucking take it the young girl yeah yeah I just got to show up at school plays but it's also it's also like these the women that they're having the kids with these aren't high-end girls but I think there's a trade-off there's like a graph that someone could do that like the older you get the younger the girl the person is the uglier she is right like when you're 80 yeah if you're

buying in a 25 year old. It's not going to be high end. Right. It's going to be a plump, 25. But like, because they're looking at big balls hanging your knees. Yeah, but you're like, yeah, yeah, but you're no fucking stunner either. No. You smell like piss. That's great. And like, and like, and you're with your old mates going, she's 25. She's 25. Eat that shit. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So there's like, there's like, this one guy, I said, he's in his 80s. The wife's like 35 and it's like, what the fuck are you all doing? But I don't understand why Rob has a good upbringing. I think that you didn't.

You're young enough to have a second family. Yep. I have me a second family periods. Oh, I could have one, but I have to be older and stuff. But you could have a real good, solid one. You could bang out three kids right now and then do another three in your 40. You can have two families that, like where the kids are like, oh, I have a brother, but I don't really know him that well.

I have a half brother. I've met a few times. You could have that one. But you've got to get really rich to do that. You've got to get really rich. And producing podcasting. That's where it's all starts. It's really, you make a lot of money doing this.

I hear they're popular now, podcasts. You have a podcast. I have a podcast. Comedy Central just told me one day I had a podcast. We were doing the show and after the show, after you did the Jim Jeffrey's podcast. And do you get paid for the podcast as well? I do. There's a fee I get.

I don't, I think I'm meant to get some of the advertising bit. So you have dyslexia? I do have dyslexia. That I'm 100% sure and I have dyslexia. But I've gotten better. Yeah, don't kill Tommy for. kind of telling because Tommy's my best friend the world. No, no, no, but Tommy says like it's, like you really

have a gift because you sort of have to memorize the whole speech of what you do on the comedy centrally. You're learning the whole thing and you write a lot of it. Yeah, I get, I sort of get it down before I do it. But you know, that's why I was saying, you've got the glasses now. I think I'm, I think I need glasses for the first time of my life. Yeah, that started about five years ago and it's getting worse.

Yeah, because I've never needed it before. And then I couldn't read the ingredients of the side of a Coke can the other day. And I think I need him. So what the fuck, what happens then? Maybe you should start drinking Coke. Yeah, but I don't know. It might be healthy for me. I can't tell what's in it. Yeah, maybe so.

So it's got to be good. Is there sugar? I can't crack it. But Conan O'Brien and the former David Letterman and all these guys and Fallons, they read a teleprompter. They don't have to worry about forgetting that. They go, oh, you know, last night. Yeah, but I'm getting better at it. I'm just getting better at it.

So you are getting better at what? I'm getting reading the thing. My reading's improving because I gave up on reading for so long. Was it a scare you? It's just, I used to be in class. I remember being a kid, and when, like, the teacher, like, everyone would read, like, five lines of a book, and then it would go around the class. And I remember, like, counting the people and counting the lines and going,

I reckon this is where I'm going to have to start reading. And I start sitting there just memorizing it as much as possible because they didn't want to seem like a spacker and fucking get it wrong. So your memory is really good. My memory is good. So if you read, you have, Kristen Bell has this photographic memory. Can you read a script? I have a huge question.

I know she's married and My buddy Dax Yeah, yeah, they seem very happy And me and And me and Dax have a lot of similar friends And I don't know why I just said that But I think she's adorable She's a great, great girl

And she's brilliant She's really smart And she can read a script And memorize it And shoot it like in an hour Whereas me, I'm getting I'm freaking out I need a day or two

I gotta learn it I want to really know it inside out You don't need to do that Uh No, yeah I learned it the night before The worst thing happens In my show is if like a big news story

drops um overnight i'm sitting at home like ah fuck i got to learn that i got to learn that do you improvise it's like trump fucking sense yeah we improvise loads in the show actually yeah um but we do a lot of like we do two rehearsals in the morning and we sort of rehearse improvising those and then sometimes we improvise a lot of those and then it goes into the script and then you know do you get nervous um yes and no i yeah yeah i guess so i guess i get more nervous acting you do yeah going on a i going on a set to act i uh i'm out of my comfort zone you know and i but i i i got to the stage with legit where i was like getting used to it and just as i was getting confidently fucking canceled the show where i was like happy to do it all the time

but you started out like a theater you're doing ballet i did i did i wasn't doing ballet i heard you were doing or they call it ballet no i i i studied musical i actually weird you said i had to do i had to do a class it wasn't what Wikipedia. You did ballet. I had to do a ballet course one hour a week for one semester. Are you good? No. I just had to pass it. I remember like I had a class of tap dance. I studied music with it. I had class of tap dance. And at one stage, I was just at the top of my stairs because that was the only bit of the house that had sort of a landing that was right. And I had, I was just in my underwear, a pair of socks and some tap shoes. And I was practicing all my time steps. I fell down the fucking stairs. roll i just tripped and i fell there i rolled down the stairs and almost was concussed and i think if i died then that would have been just a horrific humiliating

humiliating there's underwear and tap shoes oh my god my fucking blood all around me do you ever do it anymore do you ever get in from there tap dance but you can sing is it true you sing opera i i sang for the austrian opera in two productions but i wouldn't say i could sing opera the guy the guy who was dan's brother he's a full from the brothel story he's a full time opera singer from the brothel story from legit which you can catch on iTunes yeah yeah he's a full-time opera singer the guy in real life but you do you sing what's your favorite music um you like Chicago I know I like bands from Britain from the 90s Duran Duran like oasis and blur and let's have it and then I like sort of grubby Australian rock like ACDC and you know like 70s like the who

I don't mind the who I love the Beatles I've got a lot of Beatles stuff I've always liked the Beatles are like the kinks are like you know I really a lot of stuff from the 90s but ever since then you know I've picked up like

Kasavin and the killers is the only bands from like two the 2000s and it's like they're like my new bands I don't listen to anything really after like 95 I just can't do it

I see the line up for Coachella and I'm like fuck me the only thing there is like I could see Weezer yeah there's Weaser and I think OMD remember OMD

yeah I like the OMD yeah there's like two or three bands early on and then the rest are just like and then i'm like i got to see childish gambino i know that one song one time i was doing montreal and him donald glover right yeah he was the act that that was on before me in the little shitty city like sort of 80-seater that i was on before you know so we used to cross over in our dressing room every we had the same dressing we used to cross over every night i remember saying to him i said because he was on community at that stage no one thought of him as a musician or anything and i said so and he was doing stand-up And I said, so, how is it working with Chevy Chase?

Oh, he didn't. He hated him. Yeah, and he goes, yeah, you know, well, he's like an old dude, you know, he's like trying to be diplomatic. And then the guy gets fired. And then I'm like, yeah, but come on, Chevy Chase. This was my favorite growing up. You're my favorite.

No, my favorite. Him and Rodney Dangerfield were my favorites. I go on about Chevy Chase. I've never met a person who's met Chevy Chase who has a nice word to say about Chevy Chase. He was nice to me. Was he? He was nice to me a few times. I almost did.

my friend and I, we pitched a vacation sequel, and we thought it was terrific, and we got Chevy and Beverly DeAngelo attached, and I talked to Chevy a few times, and he was super cool, and then we went to New Line, and New Line said, we love the pitch. We just don't want them as a big part in the movie. Really? Yeah, they wanted to have a minor part or no part, and so our pitch didn't work for them. But he was nice to me, and I saw him at a restaurant a while back, and he was, he just came up to the table and pretended he was a waiter. It was like the old Chevy Chase, but I didn't work with him. I didn't see all that stuff.

So all I'm getting is my... But you've heard the stories, right? I've heard a lot of the stories where there's some racist stories, and I'm like, is he racist? This isn't my place to say it. I'm not the person who he said it to, and I'm hearing it third hand. See, I hate to judge people based on what other people say,

but he got fired. Obviously, a lot of people were upset by it. I one time went to Frank Zapper's old house. Sure, it was right down the street. Right down the street. Yeah, for me. To have dinner, because Moon Zapper is friends with my ex

Hank Smeller Moon Zapp, I know Moon I think No, wait With a guitar player She's Yeah, no That's a

Dweasel Dweasel and then Ahmed is Yeah And there's a whole I don't know There's a lot A lot of

The families Right Right Right But this is Before the mother died It was And it was

It was It was The Zappers And Beverly DiAngelo Yeah Which I think Lives next door

Right And the two kids That are like Alpachino's kids with Beverly Daniel? Yeah, the twins. And Jeff Garland? Yeah?

Oh, it was a good mix. That's not a good name drop. Yeah, that's a great name drop. What's wrong with that? Remember the DeAngelo? She's great. And I remember because I was saying to Gail Zappa, and I said, I said, uh... You said Gail?

Yeah, her name was Gail. Okay. Why? Just seems odd for Moon, Amit, Zappa, to... Yeah, but she was... Gail. Yeah, but she wasn't born. She was the mother.

Oh, yeah. She wasn't born as Zapper. Right, right. She wasn't born with her. the fucked up man. Yeah, it's not like you marry Frank Zappa and all of a sudden. Yeah. Frank Gail.

Your name is Storm Gale. Yeah, I remember because she sat there and I said, and John Lennon had been in that house, right? And I was like, wow, John Lennon's been in here, right? Are you like that? Are you starstruck? I get like that. I get starstruck about legend, legends. You know, I met Paul McCartney at the comedy store and I could hardly talk.

I could hardly talk. Did you watch you perform? He did. And he thought you were the funniest shit. He did. And he came up to me. And it was me, Judd Apatow, Aziz Ansari, and Chris Dahlia. Those are big names.

And so all, like, mildly famous human beings. And then, like, a hugely famous human being. And Paul McCartney goes into the bathroom. And people that didn't know he was in the room. He was just sitting in the corner booth. He's just sitting in the corner. And afterwards, they go, hey, he's gone to the bathroom. So we all, with our cameras in our hands, just sort of lingered out the front of the bathroom.

So Apatal is Ansari. You're waiting for Paul to pinch one off. Paul McCartney to come out of the bathroom because the security was letting him go by himself, right? And he comes out. And he just knew how to make every single one of us feel special for three seconds. What did he say to you? And he never stopped moving. He kept moving the whole time.

Like leaving, like leaving? So you know how like his head's always slightly wobbling? Like he's always, oh, oh, hey, hello. Hey, how you doing that? All right, all right, great. You know what I mean? It's like he's always very close to going, woo. You know what I mean?

Did you get a picture? No, no, no, but someone took a picture over my shoulder of me talking to him. And he comes out and he goes, I didn't know I was going to see all you superstars out here. Look at you, hey, look at you. He goes, hey, you were funny, you were funny. He goes, you, you're a dirty one to me, right? And I was like, ah. That's brilliant.

You met Paul McCartney. Yeah, yeah. So you were star-struck. That's the one time you were starstruck. I was very starstruck when I met Paul McCarney. If you met Brad, Brad Pitt, you're a friend with. Brad, Brad, well, we're not. We're not.

We're not mates, but I think if we saw each other at a party, we'd get along. He liked my stand-up and then just offered to do the TV show. Just like that. Yeah. Yeah, he just, it was he offered to do it? Come on. How cool is it? Do you know you're doing something well when you're doing your stand-up?

Then somebody says, like, Brad Pitt says, hey. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Yeah, they said that we had the same management company, and they said that Brad's been asking about you or something. And I was like, oh. And so then what do you do with that information? So you hadn't really met him?

no and he just said he showed up to set oh no I met him before that I went and met him and did an interview thing with him and before that before we actually did the show but then he came to the set and I organized with it by texting him saying hey you could be our weather man blah blah blah blah and the problem was all the writers on the show and all the producers he was only communicating through me and so I was like they didn't know anything no one had any numbers or anything and I go get a trailer get of this he's showing up he's going to be here at nine and like we've he's got to be here at like a 11 and we film it like 12 and you don't know what you're doing and everyone's done a rehearsal and that type of stuff and they're like so brad pitt's coming jim like i'm a like i'm an idiot who's just like delusioned i said yeah brad pitt's gonna show up and he's gonna do you write something yeah and write a sketch for brad pitt and they did he's gonna be our weatherman and then it was like 1110 1115 and i text and i was like if he doesn't show up you feel like because i've been big big bigging this up for a long time and then on he came and it's funny because we did a little rehearsal before we let the audience in

and it's like all the, like when Brad Pitt was on set, right. Every female and one of their friends and every guy's wife showed up like a bunch of salivating dogs. Yeah. They all just Even straight guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all came and sat. They found a reason

the caterers found a reason to be. If you had to S a D would you, if you had to would it be Brad Pitt's? An S a D? Suck a dick. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Why not? That's what I think. I think, you know, people think of, you know, it's like, if you had to. Would you suck the nicest looking dick in the world over the worst-looking vagina?

Like the worst, like a big, fat, warty fucking... Warty. Warty fucking, man. How long is the sucking? They're both the same time. 30 seconds on both. You know what? I'd probably have to lick the warty vagina for 30 seconds.

No, I think I'd go the most... This dick's pristine, man. A pristine dick. You could eat off this dick. You could... You could... Take the load, too? No, no, it's 30 seconds.

I'm not that good at a blow job. No one's getting... I don't know. If that was my dick, it might be 30 seconds. Yeah, no one's blowing. They're low. I always ask my friends, I mean, if you had... Would you S a D for like a million dollars?

I wouldn't because I have a million dollars, but when I... Ten million cash. When I didn't have a million cash right now. No, I don't need it. A 10 million cash for just sucking one D? Would you? I think I might think about it. As long as it was on my chest.

Is that what's in this box? Yeah. Is that what you brought me here from? No, that's just... I don't know what's in that box. I think it's pillows. Yeah, I don't... I don't get into the S of the D's.

That was my fault, wasn't what would you ask Brad Pitt's D? Yeah, I don't know. If I don't need the money, how would $10 million make you get it more happy? And then you always have the memory of sucking the dick. Yeah, I think that would torment me a little bit. Yeah. But I don't know. How often do you go to therapy?

You know, I was going twice a week, once a week, you know, I haven't gone for while um i get in my ruts and then i have to sort of go i i think for for me it's just like i know what i need to do there's like there's these people that i'm gonna name jerry fisher was a good friend of mine and carrie fisher i might have told this story but she had always had the best advice to me jim she always i would tell her something she was on legit she was on legit she was on legit she was on your show i didn't know that season two she said i didn't watch season two she said lick my pussy about 15 times. Yep, that's scary.

She played a sexually aggressive studio executive. That makes perfect sense. Yeah, yeah. But for me, she would always give the best advice. I could see you're giving advice to other people, and she'd say this. She wouldn't, but she wouldn't follow the advice always. So she'd get this great advice from her therapist. The therapist would tell her, and she would get it, she'd understand it, I would think

it through, and I would, but she wouldn't act on it. She wouldn't listen to that advice, but she gave that great advice. Right. Do you think that you're a person that kind of like goes to a therapist? Do you go to therapist? I haven't for a while. I don't know if it works for me. I find overly talking about my problems,

makes me think about my problems too much. I'm a, I still, I do do it, but I am very big fan of just burying things deep down. Do you think you have a lot of issues that you just, you have down here that you just would rather keep down there? Yeah, I don't, but you've got to also understand that doesn't everybody have a lot of issues? Like, like, why, why are we all just such pussies about the whole thing? well i think because sometimes you continue to do things that are crazy if you can repeat the same

shit you're doing and you know the outcome you're single yeah i'm single yeah okay is this part of the reason that you're you're worried about well i feel like i think thinking that each relationship you has is a failure and why is it them it can't be them every time or is it maybe you i just think are your parents still together no okay so here we're getting to something now so your parents aren't together but you also can't hold things together but you also can't hold things together. But you have what some would call a successful life and you're handsome and you seem to be... You think even with this

beard? You seem quite eloquent? You talk quite well? Do I? Yeah, you do. I talk about asking D's. How am I eloquent? I know, but your thought process is maybe what's holding it. See, this is all they fucking do. They just talk to Oh, I see what you're doing. They just do this rubbish to you the whole time. And at the end of it, you

don't know anything. The reason you haven't got a girlfriend is because you didn't like any of them. And you'll meet one that you do like one day and then that one will be dead. And then everyone dies a So you still talk to your mom? I still just saw my mother. Yeah, just saw my mother in Australia just the other day. I talked to her about once a week.

Do you say I love you, mom? I do. I say I love your mom, and I mean it. I say I love your mom. But they take a while to get there? She always said it to me, so I always said it back, you know? Even if you didn't, you just said it? Yeah, I always did.

I always did. Even after all the bad stuff, I always did. I never not loved her. I credit my mother for a lot of the good things in my life, good work ethic and stuff like that. Wow. Yeah, I was like a lot of my mates that I grew up with who had the sort of the easy, breezy parents, they all fucking, they never did anything with their fucking lives, you know what I mean?

They didn't have the get up and go that, you know, because I am a believer that, okay, so I love Noel Gallagher. Your dad beat the shit out of him, right? Michael Jackson, the dad beat the fucking shit out of him. You don't get Michael Jackson or Noel Gallagher through positive reinforcement. You know, that's why so many comedians have fucked up people, because there's something proving. You have to prove yourself, prove yourself, prove yourself. So you never felt like you have to prove yourself.

No, I feel like I did always have to prove myself And that's why my work ethic was good Yeah, my work ethic's always been pretty good Your parents, were your parents abusive? Well, I think, you know, I wouldn't say My parents, like, what's the worst thing your mother ever did? She hits you, what's the worst thing that you can remember? She used to come into the room in the middle of the night

And she'd smash up everything in your room And, like, tip over cupboards and that type of stuff And then scream. While you were sleeping? While you were sleeping? Why you were sleeping? Yeah, yeah. Why you were sleeping?

Yeah, yeah, wake you up to, she'd be angry and be raging. Wait, wait, wait, she goes into a room and hits you while you're sleeping Picks you up and rips you off the bed and smashes it. Why would she do with that? Why wouldn't she do while she was awake? Was she drunk? No, she just, no, she never drank. She never drank alcohol.

It was just diabetes. Yeah, diabetes. It was a big fat woman who had diabetes that was eating chocolate all day. Does she feel bad? She does, yes, she does. She has, she apologized. And she doesn't mind you talking about it openly about how she abused you. I'm sure she does.

Mine it completely. But you ask me the question. I'm just being honest with you. I appreciate that. My mother, my mother, I dumped oatmeal in my head and mustard once. It made me go to school. She didn't beat me religiously, waked me up, but she, you know, she hit me. Wait a minute, right.

She dumped oatmeal in your head and made you go to school. Was that all in the same day? No, there were two separate instances. She made you go to school, huh? In fact, I remember the librarian, Mrs. Camacho, looked at me and go, Michael, what's in your hair? And I said, it's oatmeal. And mustard?

Why does you do the mustard? There was another time where she goes, I don't give a shit if you don't want to eat it. And just sprayed it all over my head. She did a lot of drugs as a kid, and she was like, she has, what I probably have, which is what do they call it, the rest of development. And she was pregnant at 16, and she went through an abusive relationship. And so I forgive her. I love it.

So your mother's only 16 years older than you? No, no, no. My mother had her first kid in the first marriage. And then married my dad when my dad was 18, and my mom was now 23 with a 5 and a 6-year-old. Right. So my dad was 19, had me. And so I grew up with young parents. So your dad's like 19 years older than me.

19 years older than me. That's creepy. Maybe. He could be like your mate. Yeah, maybe. But we're so far apart and we've had such a really weird relationship. It's only in the last two years that we've become sort of like he's turning a corner. You're your parents still together?

No, they've been divorced for a long time. My dad just divorced his second time. My mom's in her third marriage. My sister's married four times. So like plausibly your dad has dated women who are very similar to your age. My, yes. How did you know that? Because that's how they go.

My dad did marry a woman my age, but then they just got divorced. She was a Filipino woman, but he had a lovely couple daughters, one that's really sick, and one that's great. But anyway, it was the... And one that's great. The sick one can be a good person as well. I don't mean she's not great. She's just really sick. The other one's healthy.

Okay. That's what I mean. Yeah, like, I look at you and I'm like, oh, my God, how could I dare talk about, you know, the shit that happened to me when I hear that? You got the shit beat out of it. No, you had your parents divorce all that. time. And what is it where there's all those fucking entertainers that we have to be such windy little bitches and talk about

our shitty childhoods all the time when I think that the childhood can be looked at from many different angles. There was a lot of good stuff that happened in my childhood. Yeah, I had some good stuff in my childhood. I'm not blaming my parents. In fact, I forgive them both for anything they did. They've apologized my mother. I think the thing that bothers me most is when someone always

wants something, when they're always asking, like, I don't have enough. So-and-so bought their mother this. They don't have that. It's always the guilt trip of like giving me. I like, when people don't ask me for things, I always give them things. I've always been like that. So I just, I just, I start to resent people when they always ask things from it. So your, your parents ask for money?

My mother. Yeah. My mother, absolutely. Yeah, I bought her house and I've given her a lot of money. You bought her a house? Yeah. That's fucking, I bought my dad a car, but that's nothing in the best. But I'm not as rich as you nearly. And by the way, I bought this house, hang on here.

You've been on TV for fucking decades now. I bought this house for way less than you think. I think I bought this house for. But what year? It was built in 99. I bought it in 2003 for like 900 grand. Yeah, okay, that's about right. Yeah.

So, I mean, it's not like, I mean, that's a lot of money if you're in the Midwest or something where I grew up. That's a big house. But out here, you know, as well as I do, with taxes and shit like that, you've got to keep making money. But when you're giving money to family, you're giving money around, you're very good. You start to go, well, you get a call from your business manager. And he says, hey, what's going on?

You use a business manager? Yeah, you don't have one? No, you don't have a business manager. No. You make millions of dollars. every year you sell out stadiums you don't have someone managing your money no i've heard too many stories of people losing it well how do you do it then you're good with math

yeah you're good with stocks you have a portfolio i need a portfolio you put in a high interest account i buy properties around the place rent them out what are you gonna do fucking stocks for yeah it's like you have stocks you go oh they go on average this account's gonna fucking go up by 8% if you put it in a high interest account that you can't touch you get fucking 3.8 so what the fuck are you For four more percent... How much money can you put in that?

There's a limit. For four more percent, you're gambling on the stock market? Buy fucking property. Property never goes anywhere. Three point eight percent. Yeah. How much money can you put on that? There's no limit?

You can open up several of them. And that's what you do. Yeah. Well, I don't have a lot... I'm not a lot of liquid assets, but I buy property. No business manager. I've had one for 20 years and I've given him a lot of money. Are you saying...

You can't figure out simple fucking math. You can't figure out that. If you get the money in, like, you need another individual to look at my dad. I'm an idiot. To look at your money and go, go, this is what you do, all right? You try, don't spend it. Try to have more coming in and going out. Well, don't you want to have the time to really be creative and do the things you fucking like?

You don't want to have to have, you want somebody to manage your shit so you can do it. It takes like one day every two weeks. One day every two weeks. What do you do for that day? No, like a couple of hours. Just checking on everything. You just go look it up and go, oh, look, it went up 3.28%. Yeah.

Oh, look at this. Do you pay your own phone bills? You have all that stuff paid for it. You do it every week. I write a check. Jim Jeffries. Here's 26 to the AT&T. You have all in direct debit, yeah.

You have an all in direct debit. Yeah. Every payment you have, you do by yourself. I feel like an ultimate loser. I've spent hundreds of thousands of dollars in a business manager. Yeah, but has he made you millions? Millions. No.

But he's, I mean, he takes care of me. We should call him up and you should fire him right now. I should get his number. It sounds like life's a lot easier. Well, I probably pay him $40,000 a year, managing my shit. That's that all right. I have an accountant that does, like,

that does, like, all my accounts and has all my checks and stuff. What do you pay him? I pay him a good $20,000 a year or something, yeah. Okay. But he handles all that shit. He handles everything, yeah. And my, my taxes are very difficult because I have to file. I have to file in different countries.

I have to file in every state that I perform in as well. So you have to do the different. state taxes and I do something like 20 states a year. Jesus. So that's you know, makes it harder. How do you prepare for your shows? Do you just like go around the circuit? Like I, because I did it last year for a whole year where I did like

I wanted to do it because I fucking wanted it. You know, Harlan Williams is a buddy mine and Bobby Lee and they said do it. So I did like 50, 50 shows, comedy store, all this. And I figured you build it, you build a set up till you get a whole set, right? Yeah, I, in the early days, yes, but now I don't have to bother with that. I just

take a, put a joke in. take a joke out and then by the time i've got a whole new set like ready to go i hope that like the recording of my last special comes out and then i start doing the whole new set and then i take a joke in put a joke out until it gets to like where i'm happy with it and then i record it and then with all the all the bits that i've taken out i have that ready to go with a new set so and i'm on a completely new set at the moment then i was i mean who do who do you uh work on your shit with who do you sit there and talk to before you go up on stage. I got the guys who open up for me and stuff of that, but I don't really think about it. You just go on stage one night, 20 minutes and just talk. No, what I do is

when I'm doing my shows now, I have like, at the moment I got like a big story at the beginning and then that I'm doing that takes about 30 minutes and then I've got a big story at the end that's about 30 minutes and then in between I dick around with new ideas and hope that something sort of hits. And I do, I do that in front of thousands of people. I don't do that in comedy clubs. I've never understood why people go, oh, like, okay, I'm getting up tonight at the Laugh Factory, but it's only because I haven't gig for a while, and I'm about to go on tour in Asia, and I just wanted to be sort of match fit, just like... Are you going to do an hour?

Not going to be, like, 30 minutes or something. And you just do part of that act? Yeah, just part of that act, but just because I haven't done stand-up in a couple weeks. Now, for some reason, some stuff didn't work, we still not use it in Asia? No, I still, I don't know. If I was confident in it, because often, you know, you know, You know, you need, I always go by the, test it out three times, because sometimes it might be the audience. And if it doesn't work three times, then it's just never going to work. No matter how much you think it's awesome, it's just never going to work.

Do you ever get upset with the audience? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, fuck you. Yeah, I have a, I have a, yeah. I've never stormed off stage, but I've definitely had some, not hissy fits moments, but I've had some moments where I've told them all off and said you're all a bunch of cunts. Like why?

Why would you say that? I just sometimes, and not often, but sometimes when people just are heckling so much, and it's mindless heckling. It's not just one person, they're all yelling out, and it's like, what am I even doing here? There was one time in Auckland that happened, and it was just like, the audience was just so stupid that I was just like, fuck this. And I haven't been back to New Zealand. Do you ever get beat up?

I've been punched on stage, famously, yeah. Oh, yeah, I heard about that, but I didn't see it. Can you watch that on video? Yeah, yeah, it's on the internet. The guy punches you out. What did you say to him? From 2006, I believe. I didn't see that, Rob.

Do you see that? I don't think so. I didn't say anything to him He just was not enjoying the show I mean you must have said something offensive No I'd said some offensive things But nothing directly to him

He hadn't heckled And he walked on the stage And you just looked at him He ran on the stage and just punched me Yeah And knocked you down Mm hmm yes And he only glanced me

I was all right I actually had to do the late spot as well So you still did it Yeah I did another spot I came out and and And finished my set out The audience came and rushed him And started beating him up

And it's all in film People always go that like I looked like I couldn't handle myself in a fight. I don't think I can really handle myself in a fight. But I, people are like, why didn't you defend yourself? It's like, I didn't know I was in a fight. Just someone just started punching you, and you start sort of ducking and weaving. Probably because you're Australian, and they always figure Australians are tougher than any other people.

It was in Manchester, England, yeah, Manchester, England. And to this day, that was the first place in the world I sold out of theater. And to this day, if I go perform in Manchester, it's like they have, like, they like, they like me there. I always sell loads of tickets. You ever get security guards, extra security guards in Manchester? No, although last time I was in Manchester, I did like an hour and a half show. It was the last day of the British tour. And I got fucking leather drunk where I was like crowd surfing and then some people were like really angry with me like, oh, you were too drunk on stage.

But what they don't know is that the show was already over. I was just doing that. You know what I mean? I mean, can you perform drunk? Have you done it a lot? Oh, yeah, yeah, thousands of times. Not thousands. I'm not hammered.

Like how many drinks can you have before? I don't hammered. Hammond. I can do it. I can perform blackout drunk. hammered blackout drunk you can perform yes you don't get nervous you get more confidence not more confidence sometimes you go i've drunk too much here but you just treat it like you're talking to your parents and you've come home drunk and you're trying to act like you're sober

but like a little bit drunk there's four drinks is like my sweet spot with comedy and then like six it's starting to get a bit do you need a drink to be on stage i prefer a drink to be on stage but i'm not going to have a drink tonight i'm not drinking and i never drink two nights in a row anymore either that's your rule not two nights in a row no matter what i physically can't take it anymore just waking up with hangovers twice you're just like especially if you're flying to different cities if i was doing back in the days when i was doing comedy clubs it was okay because you were in the same city for for four or five nights and because you're in the same city you got to sleep in every day and so you know but when you got to be up for a flight at nine and they're

picking you up at seven and you know fuck that do women wait for you after shows do they love you no come on they have to you're a funny guy you sell out my my audience is my audience is uh primarily men and the women who were at my show, even if I'm playing like 10,000, the women who are at the show on dates with men. You know, I'm not going to say it's never happened, but it's not commonplace.

But, no, you know, you can do alright, being famous or whatever, but I've, you know. Who sees you dark? Who sees you in your darkest times where you're like, just, Jim, you're not here, being funny, you're naturally, you're going, do you go home and just start, like? Um, I, you know, I guess, close friends, you know what I mean?

There's no one person who's my go-to, I'm feeling down. My brother, Scott, probably. You ever call Scott and say, hey, Scott? I don't know, I'm just down. I just, yeah, yeah, and he's like, what are you talking about? You have a hit show? You have all this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like half a human. I don't, yeah, yeah, I feel like I want to jump off a bridge. I call, I call my brother up and do that from time to time. Yeah, I do that. I've cried in front of my brother. Yeah. He's like, what are you crying? I go, yeah, I just, I can't get it together, man.

It doesn't happen a lot No, no lot I usually cry to myself And he does the same thing to me We're codependent that way Really? Do you usually do it when you're drunk? No, I normally do it the next day When I'm hung over

That's when I feel like the lowest of the lowest When the hangover is there And I haven't slept And I don't, you know But during, I'm always happy when I'm drunk Always? Are you a fun drunk? Are you out of control?

I think I'm a very fun drunk I am a Larry drunk I'm a loud I'm the type of guy I'll stand up on a bar drunk, you know. I'm like that, but I'm not, I'm not aggressive or nasty or anything. You just make, do you look at somebody and make a joke about that person? No, I don't think I'm a mean, drunk.

I don't think I'm mean. No, I don't, I don't think so. I'm, I'm sure that some people might say different. I think you're incredibly, like, now, like, you text, you're very thoughtful. You'll text something, we'll like something on each other's Twitter. But now getting to sit here and talk with you, I see this guy who's like you, like, you're genuine. Oh, thank you. You're genuine.

I think you got a dark side that you get sad like me, we get lonely. I think we both are looking for the same thing you want that love that you find eventually that's like there forever that will watch you shit your pants and say I'm still here you know but that shit your pants love that shit your pants love do you have that right now Rob

have you ever shit your pants and Natalie's right there with you? I mean she would be you think she would be I've got a kid so I'm telling a story on stage at the moment about shitting my pants in front of one of my exes really shitting your pants

I love that you talk about shit stuff my father's funny because he came and saw my show in Sydney the other day and he said to me He goes, he goes, I like the show. It's just too much about pooing. And I said, what should I do different? And he goes, well, you do the funny faces.

Do more faces. That was his idea. He thought your comedy was, your faces are funny. Yeah, he goes, now, because we had like big screens up because they were like arenas. And he goes, now that the camera is right in on your face, do as many funny faces as you can. People love that. Dude, let me see one of those faces. I don't know what the face is talking about.

You don't know what the face is. You know what it is. I don't know. He doesn't say this is the face of talking about, Jim. It's funny because, you know, Brad Williams, right? No. Brad Williams is a stand-of-committee around town, in quite popular. He was opening up for me on my tour in Australia.

He's a dwarf, right? I think I have met him. Yeah. I think I have. And my dad walks up to Brad and he goes, I've seen this little fella on the TV. That's how he addressed a dwarf. What did you, what did the guy say?

What do Williams say? And he goes, oh, hi, Mr. Jeffries like that. And he goes, what show did I see you on? And then he goes, your son's show. I was on your son's show. Oh, that's right. Oh, that's the one. Legit, right?

I only watched that in the cricket. That makes sense. Does your mom think you're funny? No. Does she never see? She's not allowed to come to the shows anymore. because she doesn't enjoy them I get more stressed out when she's there

do you get stressed out when certain people come to the show my mother when my mother's there how long you've been doing it uh 18 years 18 years yeah you know what I'd love to do I'm doing these little animated things now online where it's like for certain episodes that I really like and we animate them

so this one will probably be animated because you're really good so you'll have an animated figure is this a good episode I haven't listened to your other episodes what normally goes I think you'd like them I mean I think people are like you know who's your favorite guest I mean Kristen Bell was fantastic Jack Shepard was great. Henry Winkler was great. Henry Winkler. Oh, he was fantastic. Bobby Lee was hilarious.

I mean, a lot of them, they're just all different. Jennifer Love Hewitt was fun. Jennifer Love Hewitt. I always wondered, why did she go out with what's his name? Jamie Leif Curtis? Jamie Kennedy. Jamie Kennedy. What was she thinking? I don't know.

He's an odd bird that one. But I think maybe comedians, women think some comedians are funny. If you make them laugh, you win a girl over. But I would have gone out with her. I was just there doing nothing. You're a good looking guy. I'm as good looking as James. But you didn't ask her out.

I never got to meet her, but Jamie Kennedy, what was she thinking? Shall I ask her that? I don't know. Maybe I should ask her that. I'm sure Jamie's very nice. I don't know. I want to do the animation, but, you know, since you were an opera singer and you were singer, there's something you got to sing. No, I can't sing anymore.

I've had vocal surgery. You have the polyps or whatever? Yeah, cut off. Wait a minute. So if I say, like, I had him cut off in 1997. If Chicago is playing in the car, Toto, or a 70s band that you like, or ACDC, you're not going to sing, or are you going to just go, I'd sing a bit. I'm not going to sing for you right now. You won't do it.

No. That's one thing you won't do it. No. I'd do many things, but I won't do that. Back in black! Yeah, because that's not really the training I had, but I can't sing anymore. But you could sing, Lord, I'm mobile hair. I could have been the day.

Back in the day. I was a tenor. I wouldn't even be a, I'd be a low baritone now. Like, just deep. Yeah, just a small range, really. I've just lost notes off the top. I thought for sure in those commercials on your show, there was a commercial you did for America,

where we're just in another country, or we're just a country in a bunch of other countries. There was a commercial in the Comedy Central show. Yeah, probably, yeah. You don't remember that? I don't remember the advert. I thought you were singing the song. I thought I bet it's him because he's a singer.

No, that wasn't me. Oh, I know, we're just a country in a, no, that was one of the writers who wrote that. Yeah, I thought maybe that was you singing. Nah, nah, didn't get to do that. Didn't get to do that. Yeah, this has been a lot of fun. Is this all right?

long. Do you? Well, it's edited. How many people are staying to the end of this? Let me tell you something. It's been an hour and 15 minutes. Oh, that's not too bad. No. That's not too bad. Was I entertaining? I honestly think this is fantastic. Rob, you talk about anything. This is why I want it to be longer. Somehow cut short 45 minutes. Did Henry Winkler talk about his abusive childhood that wasn't cool? He did. He fucking talked about that. He was dark. Like, you're like you're funny. You're dark. You're like all over the place, but you're lovable. This is, you're going to like. Henry Winkler Is he Jewish, Henry Winkler? He is?

Yes, he talks like this. I had this, Michael. I would ask him questions like, did you ever a girl ask you to put the jacket on from the Fonz and have sex with you? He was like, it might have happened. I don't know. I'm not going to say. Did you ever go, hey.

Also, the whole thing about the idea of Fonzie is he may be the most pathetic character in television history. Why is that? The idea that he was the epitome of cool is ridiculous. He was a man in his early third. that lived in a studio apartment hanging out with high school kids in suburbia

above a home in Milwaukee this is a guy who hasn't got his shit together and people fell for it and hanging around at a milk bar and going going fucking my office is the toilet and trying to fuck teenage girls he is history's most pathetic man

and people loved him all I wanted to be was him right how are you writing that script where you just go okay here's the deal he lives above the cutting himself he has a house he has a room he has an apartment without a kitchen he just goes downstairs and eats food with

he wears a leather jacket and goes hey hey cool the mundo whey fons rally right that's what he did yeah and then he hangs in the milk bar and gets high school girls to just jump over to him and nobody thought it was a big deal if he went out with high school girls scratcher right now a day you couldn't do it

you can't have a fons yeah you can't have a fun he was just a loser who didn't grow up yeah but originally he was like sounds like me He was from a bike Yeah, but you have a house Wait, so you think

You're not a loser if you own a house You don't many losers live in this neighborhood I'm sure in this world They have a house It's a start Having a house is a start It's better than not having a house Not wearing a leather jacket and going

Like I've worn a lot of leather jackets To me day but not wearing a leather jacket And you're not I'm not hanging out with high school girls I assume you're not And I assume your best friends aren't called Ralph Mouth and Potsie Rob, you do need a nickname

Rob doesn't need a nickname You like baseball too We gotta go to a baseball too We've got to go to a baseball game together. I love the baseball. I don't know why you like baseball. You're from Australia. I love it.

I like the cricket too. You like the cricket. But I like the baseball. You like the rugby. Yeah, you can vape. I don't mind the rugby. But I prefer the rugby league. And I like the soccer.

Yeah. I even watch the American soccer. I got to take you to a hockey game. I've been to a couple of hockey games. I live with a Canadian for many years. You don't like hockey? I don't mind it. It's just, what happens in three stages?

That's ridiculous. It was three stages. You mean three periods. Yeah. I think birth happens in three stages, right? Who? Birth, pregnancy? That's not a game.

It's not a game. Life. I said, what are the games? Maybe another game that happens in three quarters or three thirds. Well, there's four quarters in football. Four quarters in basketball. They're quarters. Three thirds.

But it's their 20 minutes each. It's too much to have four periods in hockey. Bring them down to 12 each. Or 15 is what you. 15 would be the same time. That would be even optimal. Bring them down to 15 each And then you're bringing into quarters

Bring it down to 14 each Because then you get an extra break But don't you like the hard hitting The nonstop action The skating then I can't follow the puck I can tell you how to do it We'll get glasses

I can't follow the puck I don't know what's going on And I've always gone with a Canadian The Canadians get too excited And it irritates me Oh look at snow They're about to get icing Oh

Oh that's Brzamovich He's one of the all-time greats You're really lucky to see him please You know, Homer Simpson, like that guy who does the voice. Oh, look, my... See, I knew it. You could do it. I can do Homer Simpson.

Do Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson and Cliff Clavon is... I can only do the same impersonation in different things. Do Homer Simpson on now with Clifton. Homer Simpson, he goes, oh, look, sweet pineapple juice makes my semen so sweet. Pineapple! Yeah, you know, the pineapple was invented by a Trojan. They found it out in the South Pacific.

Oh, South Pacific delicious. You know, it's all the same crap. Yeah. That's all you do. I like it. This has been a real treat. Thank you for allowing me to be inside of you, Jim. Oh, thank you for being inside of me.

Where's my $10 million? Rob. You have to let him inside you. Oh, that was just for the dick sucking. Oh, the dick sucking. Did I say $10 million? What was a million? No, you said for $10 million, would I suck it?

Oh, yeah, $10 million if you S a D. Would you do it honestly, Rob? I think now for $10. Now that I've had time to ponder. Yeah, $10 million's a lot of money. You can just do whatever you want. You can get the charity. you could help people, you could have the house of your dreams.

S and a D for 30 seconds. Okay, cool. Yes. Thanks, Jim. Yes, thank you. See later, man. Bye, man. you do? Put it into a tax-advantaged retirement account. The mortgage. That's what we do.

Make a down payment on a home. Something nice. Buying a vehicle. A separate bucket for this addition that we're adding. $50,000. I'll buy a new podcast. You'll buy new friends. And we're done. Thanks for playing everybody. We're out of here. Stacking Benjamin's follow and listen on your favorite platform.