Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum - (Korn) Brian "Head" & Jennea Welch

Episode Date: February 25, 2020

Brian “Head” Welch (Korn) and his daughter Jennea (Loud Krazy Love) join us this week to share the brave story of their “relationsh!t” and how they’ve been able to grow out of the years and years of trauma and self inflicted harm that they both caused each other. Brian opens up on what it was like to find sobriety through religion, leave Korn at its financial height, and step-up to become the provider and responsible care taker that his daughter needed. Jennea shares some traumatic stories on what it was like growing up surrounded by abuse, neglect, and rockstars highlighted in their documentary “Loud, Kraft, Love.” An amazing brave and emotional episode this week. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Inside of You. That was an aggressive intro. Maybe start over. No? Do you know how I usually go? You're listening to Inside of You? I just did something different. I wrote a little energy to.

Maybe we'll get a vote. Do you guys like the calmer? You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum? Or do you like the big one? You're listening? No, see, it's mellow. They like the mellow one. They don't want an excited Rosenbaum.

Who wants an excited Rosenbaum? My dad sure didn't. Oh, I was probably annoying. Oh, jeez. What the hell is this kid doing, bouncing off the fucking walls? it's been a day man it's been a day folks uh i usually take things in stride today is the first day in 250 days that i didn't meditate in the morning i just woke up late wrong side of bed i i think cried a few times this week it's been it's been a lot but i'm going to meditate right after we're

done with this podcast and boy am i going to need it but uh yeah it's just been you know i went to the ronald mcdonnell house and it's been on my mind and i go every other tuesday and i you know bring movies and pizzas and stuff like that and I met this kid and we just connected and his mom was there and you know it's terminal cancer and he was a big smallville fan I just connected with him I couldn't stop talking to him I was interested in him he was just a great kid and great positive energy and I gave him my number and his mom my number and I've been texting with them and he went through a huge surgery yesterday morning it didn't go as planned you know but he's a tough kid and I'm not a big prayer. I believe in like, you know, hey, there's many people who need more things

than I do. My prayers, I don't need to pray for superficial shit. So this was one of the first times I did pray. And I said, hey, man, it's one of those exorcist moments where I was like, take me, take me. I really was. I was like, fuck, man. This kid deserves life. He deserves happiness. And he's, uh, I'll tell you, someone who goes going through all this shit, he's tough as hell. He's a cheerleader. He's great. Show me some backflips he's doing on video. He's just a good kid, Preston. If you're listening, I love you, buddy, and you're in my mind. You're in my heart.

And let's beat this freaking thing, man. So great, we got a great show today. Before I get going on that, I'll just throw out a few things. Thank you to all the patrons. And my patrons out there in the outro, I'm going to, of course, say your names. And by the way, the questions I'll ask my patrons, the certain tiers get to ask questions for the guests. So, you know, we pick certain questions. And so if we didn't pick yours, it's going to happen the next time.

And, you know, it's just a, it's a process, as the Canadians say, a process, Ryan. That's what they say, process. Yeah, yeah. Everyone else says process, yeah. No, we say process, they say process. Yeah. So, and also, yeah, that's what I'll say about that. A lot of good things coming up.

I'm going to Richmond for a smallville convention there, GalaxyCon on February 28th, 29th. And then I'm going to Jason Manns who produced the album, my album left on Laurel. And we're going to do a live stage it on next Sunday. Monday night, which is the 29th or first, what is that? Whatever the, you know what it is. Go look on stage at.com and check it out if you want to watch. All right, this just came in. This is news.

I'm doing a live podcast. I've been tweeting you guys out there and telling you that I might do it. My first live podcast is going to be in Austin, Texas. I'm very excited. It's at the North Door, 7 p.m. March 31st, Tuesday. My guest is Zach Levi. You know, I'm from Shazam. He's been on the podcast.

I'm so excited. He's my first guest. it's right now if you go online before they sell out 25 bucks in austin at the north door uh you can go to inside of you live dot com slash so you could find it there it will redirect you to that event bright link uh for the live podcast inside of you with michael rosam live in austin texas at the north door 7 p.m with jack levi uh i hope you guys check it out also you can go to the website margin walker presents dot com and that will redirect you there it's m a r or G-I-N-Walker Presents.com if you can't find it, but you'll be able to find it.

I'm going to post it on my links. So a live podcast in Austin. I'll also be in Mexico later in the month of March with Tom doing a little small little nights and all that stuff. So a lot of cool stuff going on. What else, man? Like I said, crazy week, but you just keep moving. You just keep moving.

And you're grateful. Like, the thing that keeps you moving is like you see a guy like Preston. It's like, really, dude? You're going to worry about your bad day? What was so bad about your day, Michael? That's how you feel when you see, you know, you see other people suffering and dealing with big problems. You're like, take it in stride, man.

Take it fucking stride, Rosenbaum. Jeez, dude. The guests today on the show are Brian and Gianna Welch. You know Brian from Corn. It was one of the biggest days when he left the band, and people are like, why did he leave? And it's an amazing story. And for those who are like, he left to find God and are kind of like, oh, why would I want to listen to this?

Well, you do want to listen to this because this is a fascinating story really about not only a guy, but his daughter, who, you know, he wasn't hurting himself by doing all these drugs and things that he's so open about. And, but his daughter's here with him. And it gets emotional, man. It got emotional. And were you uncomfortable? No, but it was kind of tough. to hear because you sort of hear about the effects of the rock star lifestyle on the family. I mean, because I'm sitting next to him and he's got all the tattoos everywhere and I'm sort

of looking at those, but then you can also see, you know, the effects of his daughter. Yeah. It clashes. Yeah, the vulnerability. It was. It was interesting. And I really appreciate Brian and Jan. A big shout out to Chris Dowling for hooking that up.

Chris Allen, a great director, a friend of mine, a great guy, hooked me up with Brian. And they came over and they did a documentary, which we'll talk about, which you guys, need to see it's pretty uh pretty amazing and inspirational and i think uh you guys are going to really enjoy this interview so why don't we right now why don't we get inside of brian and giana welch it's my point of you you're listening to inside of you with michael rosenbaum Bomb was not recorded in front of a live studio audience. Like most musicians, especially if you're in a band like corn, like how are you not half deaf?

They are. Yeah, literally. I wear earplugs every show. These fools, Jonathan Davis, are singer, James Schaefer from Monkey, a guitar player. They don't wear earplugs. Ever? Ever.

Well, they gotta be deaf. I don't get it. I mean, they got to be. But you don't see any like, you don't ever notice, like I said, hay three times and they didn't hear it. That's incredible because you're loud. That's a loud band. Corn's loud. It's louder than any

band. Certainly louder than Air Supply. Do you know who Air Supply is? I think I've heard a song from Air Supply. I'm all out of love. That's it. That's it. I was doing the verse. Brian Philip Welch. Does anybody ever call you Brian Philip Welch? Does anybody ever call you Brian Philip Welch? They just call your head. My mom calls me head

And my friends call me Brian That's not true at all Oh the other way around That's the other way around Does your mom ever say I hate when they call you head When she gets mad she's like head She does not No

No I'm a liar You and I have same facial structures We both have just longer faces People said I read somewhere What? Look at my head I have a longer I have a big head

You know how many times people tell me I have a big head And that's how you were named head Because your bandmates or whatever told you that your head didn't look like it belonged in your body because it's too big. I don't think that's the case because you're taller and it works. But I'm saying that's the same thing with me.

I've always had like people have said, you got a big head, dude. Really? Always. Ryan, do I have a big head? Of course. Don't grow a beard because it makes your face look longer. And I just do it anyway.

Because you don't care. I don't give a shit anymore. So what about, uh, no, here's what happened. My, my head grew before my body grew in when I was a teenager. So my head, like, turned into an adult, and my body was still a 12-year-old. He was like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah. But so now I'm, you know, I've grown since then.

Jeney, you have a perfect head. Oh, thank you. You know, a combination of jeans between your mom and dad. Her mom has a skinny face, too, kind of not long, but kind of skinny. So I don't know where you got it. I got her crooked nose, so, I mean, she's... I don't think you have crooked nose, but let me tell you something. I like a nose that, you know, my friend Chris McDonald.

he says, man, I love a girl with a strong nose. I'm like, what does that mean? He's like, strong. You know, it's like a, you don't have it, but like something bigger, stronger. Strong. And one time there was this girl who was a friend of ours. In my phone, I had Jill strong. Because Jill had a strong nose.

And I remember when I met her, when we met her, Chris was like, that girl's got a strong nose. I like that. And so one time we're at a bar, I looked at my phone and she saw her number. And it said Jill strong. No. Oh, that's my number. Who's Jill Strong?

I go, no, that's you. Well, what does that mean? I go, no, it's just like, you're strong. You're like, I looked at you. I was like, man, that girl's hot. She's strong. I made it up on the fly. I covered it up.

What if she listens? She won't. Is this on right now? Is this live? No, it's not live. Because you imagine this was live? Listen, the two of you were here because, well, first of all, my good friend, Chris Downley, but secondly, well, here's the deal.

I watched this documentary, and, you know, it always sucks when someone says, hey, you don't do your research, and you don't have to watch it. hour and a half documentary it's like oh watch this movie that i'm promoting like fuck i'm gonna fast forward through this shit i mean i just don't i have a d i don't have time time it's really it's like you know i'm gonna sit back for two hours in the middle of the day i could barely watch a movie at night when i'm sitting on my couch and i have nothing going on i get it but i watched it jess my assistant's sitting across from me and then i'm just i just started crying at the end because there were like certain parallels and i just felt like you're so brave both of you in this document

documentary so forthcoming and like it's so easy to just you know sugarcoat it hide all your secrets hide everything there's stuff that's too embarrassing i'm not going to share it yeah and i feel like you start to divulge you start to tell everybody all these things that you did and you're and i could see how hard it is for you and then something tells me it's just as cathartic as you could get once once you release that oh yeah i was just trying to uh be real first of all and it's funny you say that to back up that this I just did a podcast the other day and the guy said look you know these people said we need to link up together we need to talk about you know doing some stuff together so they got invited to go to dinner with me and then they sent the link and they said hey watch this movie though you know before the dinner he's like oh god well I'm getting a free dinner well I better you know I better watch it so I have some stuff to talk about and whatnot and so same thing he watched it and he was like holy shit we're doing We're doing movie showings in my town, and he's setting them up right now. So that's incredible.

That's cool. You know, not everybody will connect with it, but like a lot of people have, and so it makes me feel like. I don't think you can't connect with something like this because even if you, you know, you haven't done drugs and you're a party. You're not a rock star. It's not really about all that as much as it is a relationship. It's about you and your daughter. And I felt like you were just lost.

and you just couldn't you wanted to you saw like the other side god I want to be a better dad I want to be a better friend I want to but it's that struggle it's addiction and all that but it seems like for someone to be able to one day just make a decision and just walk away from all the fame and all the fortune all that I mean that's a huge thing but I think this relates to normal people I'm not saying you're not normal now but I think that like you know it's the guy that's a workaholic I have a friend whose dad works all the time. And he's a kid, always working, always work. It's work, work, work, work. And he just, and there's an addiction. Work was an addiction. So there's all these other addictions out there. Yeah, yours was drugs and partying.

And, you know, so everybody has that until you start to learn to be present, learn to have some mindfulness, learn that there's other things that are way more important. Because nobody gives a shit. Once your day, that's it. That's it. And so when you say that, it reminds me of a guy that was giving me advice before I left, Before I got sober, he was like, you know what? No one is at their deathbed going, I wish I would have worked more.

I wish I would have toured the world more in my band. I wish it's always, I wish I could have spent more time with my family, you know? Yeah. Or some people may have done it perfectly, and they're like, I'm ready to go. I've done everything right. I can't party, I'm going to go. What is it, Neil Young? It's better to burn out than fade away.

Yeah, yeah. Did you think that a lot of times? Because Janaya is here, and we're going to talk to you a lot about this. But did you feel like, you know, a lot of times while you're partying, you're like, I don't even care? I hope I partied too much and don't wake up. Were you one of those who had those macab thoughts of just like, I kind of want to die? I don't care.

The last two years of my addiction, yeah. But it wasn't like I don't care. It was like, I want to cease to exist. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to get up and feel this way anymore. But then I'd be like, but I can't leave her. she's four or five years old and her mom's out of the picture and I'm the only one that's you know I'm a caregiver but what do I have to give her she'll you know she'd probably she

would get over it if I if I died and someone would raise her like whoever in the family that's better person than me you know what I mean right so it was it was back and forth it was never like I don't care I want to leave and never wake up it was like I just don't want to feel anymore all right so look this documentary called loud crazy love and you know anybody could watch the story of corn and go online and hear their music it's everywhere you guys

had huge success you said one part in the documentary that you had too much money to fit in the bank or something like that yeah it was like an exaggeration but you did have that much money when you were talking about a lot of money I'm always one of those guys are thinking how much money did he have

because like you know I'm okay like I'm doing okay I'm fine I have a house It's, you know, when I think rock star money, I mean, when you get residual checks, were you getting like millions of dollars a year in residuals? No, I was exaggerating. What my point with that in my head, I was thinking was I bought everything that I had to buy. Like, I couldn't buy anything anymore. I had the cars.

I had the house. I had the $200,000 pool, the bridge going over and waterfall. And I'm like, I got, I got nothing else to like buy. I have all my toys I can ever want. and I was just like what do I do now you know it was just uh I don't know and then I then I had self-hatred because I'm like I'm not thankful I can't even enjoy it right I'm just like I'm I'm a whiny little rock star you know and I'm oh I'm depressed oh I have every yeah every 200 you know I said this to a therapist I said I don't know I feel like I've done it all this is me who's

done one millionth of how much you've done and toured and all the people But I was like, listen, I've been to Disney World so many times. I just, I don't know if it's as fun as it anymore. And I, you know, going to 80s concerts and I started naming these things that people would just laugh at me. And I'm like, you know, I did it. And they're like, but maybe one day you fall in love with somebody and really just want to show them all the things that you love. And then you'll enjoy it through them. And I'm like, oh, my God, how did I not see that?

Right, right. It immediately made sense. So I think of your daughter. I think of Janaya going, she's five, she's six, all these things that I get to do in a go over the world and everything i want to do with her i want to explore with her right but i was stuck in my you know it's like that light went off when when he or she said that to you right yeah and i'm like first i thought how am i that's stupid how how do i not realize that but that's how uh unaware i was of who i was and what i really wanted and then when i thought i could share this with

someone and that started to open the doors the mental blocks we're so blocked in our thinking man it's just crazy the pride and the it's like one sentence from one person even a stranger can shift your life like that i'm i'm in a good spot now and i still get in those ruts where you know your your mind comes in and it's cloudy and you're just like feeling that and then someone says something and i'm like i mean it just happened the other day i can't think of what it was but oh yeah there were death there's a lot of death happening and And I'm just like, suffering is just intense lately, you know, with families and people. I mean, a guy I know just had his brother-in-law murdered and, you know, over a drug deal.

And then they cut up the body and tried to burn it for evidence. And it was just like, I can't take it. And it's like making a murderer. Right. You know? And it's just hard to take, man. And someone just said something about the other side. And it's like viewing things from here, the horror from here, or on the other side.

where all the pain is gone and resting in peace. And it's like what's our perspective? We're only here for a little bit of time. So why are we focusing on the horrors of this life when the next life is so vast and pain-free?

That's always the thing. It's the not knowing, you know? Yeah. You know, we don't know. I mean, obviously, you know, you found religion, you found God and you have an idea of where you're going. You know, and a lot of people out there, I have friends who are atheists, and I know probably a lot of guys in your band are and people in the music whatever they're all around even

my grandmother goes i just am i going to see my you know my husband again because my grandpa just passed and i'm like and this was with conviction i wasn't making her feel but i go yeah you will i think you will i really just there was something in me there was like hey there's something bigger there's something better there's something there's something more out there you know um and we can get into that but i want to go back to the to the documentary because i felt like i'm about to watch him relapse something's going to happen. Brian's going to relapse. How does, because, you know, you leave the biggest band in the world.

You, you know, you're making tons of money. You know, your band's like, fuck this. And then now you're struggling a little bit and you're finding out, oh, questioning yourself, did I do the right thing? I'm sure that went through your mind, right? Oh, yeah. Totally. So, and I was like expecting, but

relapse, relapse? Maybe you relapsed after the documentary. Maybe. I kept thinking. But you haven't? I relapsed before. Or, well, here's the thing. I didn't really relapse because I never said I was going to quit, but I would do meth or coke or whatever. And then not, okay, I'm not going to do it for a while. Then months would pass and then I'd do it again.

So does that count as relapsing? Because I didn't try to quit really. Does that count? No, because there was no definitive, like, I'm quitting. I'm done. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with her.

So, but I did relapse when, so I quit. I found my spiritual life and I was doing that for a while. And then I wrote in my book They didn't put it in the movie But I wrote in my newest book That I started having wine With some friends that just You know

Had some wine with dinner And I'm like One glass That's it That's all I'm gonna do One and then like a couple weeks later I was like one big big glass That's it

Two glasses Three weeks later Three glass And then I was doing shots And for two months And I was like It just never ends well I can't drink man

Why can't just drink? Why can I drink responsibly? Because some people just can't. I have friends that I'm like, you shouldn't drink. I honestly, I can drink. I can honestly drink because I don't look to get hammered. I don't need, and my personality doesn't change, but I have friends, I don't know who they are. I don't know who they are when they drink.

They shouldn't drink. They do stupid things when they drink, and they always regret it, and they're always filled with guilt. So I'm like, I don't know who you are. I don't like when you drink. I don't like being around you when you get. get hammered and can't control yourself i just can't i can't do it it's crazy you can't control yourself no but but then i was like i'm gonna quit in like next month or in two months from now i know i can't drink anymore but while i'm drinking i'm just gonna keep going right so i set this

time and then i battle myself but yeah so that was a relapse drugs no not once no and you know yep i mean yes but you talk every day mostly um text like text like every few days and then we see each other at least once a month because I'm living in Lafayette, Indiana right now. Lafayette is near where the youth center was. Right? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's where you know I watched it. Dude, he did watch it. Fuck yeah, dude, because I'm also from Indiana. I grew up in Southern Indiana. Really? Evansville. What? Yeah. Dude. That's so funny. Yeah. Did you know Michael Jackson and the Jackson Five? I did not know them. They lived down the street. Really? Gary, Gary, Indiana.

Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana. Oh, Lord. All right, so look, I mean, there's so many things I want to talk about, but like this relationship, you know, you're born. Did you say relationship? Well, it was relationship for a while. That should be our term now. Well, our relationship finally became a relationship. See?

Wow. Love that. You were born in 98. Yes, I was. Not you. You were born in 98. I was doing the math. I was like, now I watch it.

And you could see the love. you could see, like, how much she meant to you. See, that's a nice hot. She is the angel sent from heaven to get me healthy, honestly. But I think also, I might be dead if she wasn't here. I might not have cared to get right. I think that's probably, you know, I'm going to say that's entirely true. I don't think you'd be with us right now if you didn't have her.

Because I wouldn't have cared. What do you care for? What are you caring for? You took her away from her mother. You came home while you're, on tour and her mother had were there really like neo-nazis in her house like skinheads skinheads are living in your house walking around as you're a little girl and you came home to this that she's had well she no i heard about it they talked about it and a friend told me some things that was going on

and then i i sent a message well there was no messages i called left a voicemail it's like i'm coming and get her. I don't care who's there. I came back and because of the message they bolted and left her with a babysitter who was watching her at the time. Like a kind of name. So you didn't see these guys. No. If you would have walked in the freaking this mess, do you think you would have attacked these guys? Well, my friend Donnie. Big Donnie. Yeah. He borrowed Big D. He borrowed a gun from my friend Rob so it was a thing where like he had it in his

in his pants just in case because these guys were gang members you know they probably even if they're tweaking they probably would have been like oh this is this kid you know take your kid you know but I don't know what would have happened

it was just like I had to get her away from that madness and so nobody was there except a nanny do you remember those lines? No I was two or three years old you were just a little girl and you took her

and you went back on tour with her. Yep. It was pretty fun. She was like running around. You look, I don't know. I mean, you were too young to remember these things. I mean, I remember being on tour a lot. I remember they were always so sweet to me.

Like, their security guards and whatever would push me around the stroller and take me to parks and stuff. So I remember those things. How long did that go on? That was not that. long actually it was like a month or two or something like that then she would come out like sporadically but it wasn't like a constant hey you're going on the road with me for a year or two well who'd she stay with at that point um so what when she was on the road we had we had a nanny it was actually a dancer from brittany spears tour they were off the road for a little bit

and my tour manager i said oh oh like said in my tour manager was dating her and she's amazing and uh and then we went we went home that guy donnie big d his family there they had kids like kind of the same age and everything and so we we just it was like my my parents her grandparents this family and we just did what we could you know right while i was touring so that was another like three or four years before i figured it out look i'm leaving and i got to be home with this kid i want to be home with this kid how old were you just when brian decided to you know quit the band um i was six years old six years old so you remembered when you're six you can remember a lot of things yeah i i remember it like it was yesterday honestly and you couldn't believe it when it happened right

yes you're this little girl and you talk about it you weren't spiritual really you weren't religious before all this happened oh no not at all so you just went to a church you were high i was told about jesus when i was 12 and i actually just prayed to him once and then i prayed like when i was 12 years old. Then I prayed again at 19 and I was like, Lord, please don't let me go bald. And there's like two prayers in a decade. There's a lot of those prayers. I think God hears a lot of those prayers. Please don't let me go bald. Now you have hair to your butt, so good job. That's it. So yeah. You're looking out, Lord. You're looking out, my lord. Inside of you is brought to you by Rocket Money. I'm going to speak to you about something that's going to help you save money. Period.

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Something like, I mean, you say it in the documentary, but it's like, wow, did it just happen like that where he's like, I feel it, there's this presence, there's something that hit me, there's something that changed my life, And it causes you to just split something that's so big, bigger than you, successful, money, everything. And there's something that you just felt? Or was it something that took a little time to make that decision?

That it take months? Or was it like, I feel this. All of a sudden, I'm enlightened. I've got to go. It was a few weeks, maybe two or three weeks. It's a blur, but I was going to the church and I liked it. I was like, okay, well, if there's a supernatural help, then. then I don't have to do it all.

I can have help, right? But after like two or three weeks, what happened was at my house. The whole thing is love. I felt love from another realm, come around me into my soul, into my mind. It's a mystery. Honestly, it's a mystery. And some people experience it. Some people don't.

It awakened me and enlightened me, just like you said. And it was like, everything changes now. I'm not going to be the same person and I knew it and I did struggle with it like for another week or two with I found some more dope in my I did relapse yeah I found my relapse there it is woo wow wow I was going to church and I was like I'm doing great and one day I went home and I opened up my uh I saw a first aid kit in my closet you know tweakers they hide things and oh yeah I opened up the first aid kit and out rolls an eight ball of crystal meth I had somebody ate some gauze. Wow. That's not a band-aid for my... Well, look at that.

What the fuck is this? And then you just snorted it down? I just went for it. Yeah, I was like... Did you still go to church or whatever? Oh, I disappeared. My phone. No one could get a hold of me.

And then a week later, I was like, man, this... I wasn't having a good time on it anymore. It was like I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I made it to see. that I was going to be this anymore, then I felt guilty because I felt like I was letting people down, people were trying to help me. And, you know, if God was in me, living in me now, and I'm one with him, I felt guilty for that. So it was just done. And then at the end of that, that week is, actually, it was at the end of that, I don't know, it's a blur. All I know is that was

the last time I did dope. And I found a little bit more. a couple weeks after that threw it away threw it away took pictures just like your camera y'old and i i poured it well actually it was a lot you still have those pictures it was like in my first book i'm pouring it in my toilet and it's in my book yeah and you can hear it if you hear the no no no no if there's audio to it no what are you doing no no no no no no but you didn't do now now it's hard to check kind of transition into you because don't don't don't oh man What are you doing with your life?

That's, that's brave. That's strength right there. That's strength. It really is. Now, you as a little girl, it's hard to like going, hey, so as a three-year-old, what were you thinking? Oh, my gosh. You obviously got to a certain age where you're like, I'm sort of fucked up. Mm-hmm.

You know, no matter what, something started happening. You started, like, acting out. Right. You started doing things wanting to get attention, which everyone does, no matter how old you are. And especially at a young age, if you feel sort of like, did you feel abandoned as a child? Absolutely. Well, one, I experienced the trauma of my, my mom leaving.

And then the trauma, like, there were times where I'd wake up in the middle of the night and he would be on, he'd be on his computer tweaked out. And it would make me cry. I'm like, why aren't you asleep? And so there was some, I went through trauma. And so when you're a kid, you just go through the experiences. But I think when you hit 11, 12 tween age, you, you. you start to realize those things hurt.

You're not just experiencing anymore. You look back and you're like, oh, that really hurt. Like, I feel damaged because of it. And so I really fell into depression. I would say just like the signs of just like sleeping all day and whatever. And what was it? So you feel like, all right, my dad's not really there.

You're growing up. He's trying, whatever, but he's, you know, you're still seeing the addiction. You're still seeing things. You're seeing your mom's not present. Being hopped from house to house and not having like the, the bonding that I needed to be like a successful child, I guess. Well, what about Grandma and Grandpa?

Were they pretty solid? I saw them once a week-ish. But the problem was that there were some stuff that went down in the house that I was staying at. He didn't really know, but the parents were going through, had really bad anger issues. And drinking. And there was some, like, sexual abuse with the kids. This was a random family that you were living with? No, it was the people that he knew on the road.

And so there was just, there was just some stuff. And you were witness, you were privy to a lot of this shit. You were saying, and when you see things as a child, especially when you're getting older, I mean, I know it sits with you. Yes. There's certain things that you can remember vividly from when you're, I'm telling you, when I'm six, when I'm eight, ten, I mean, you know, obviously it gets more vivid as you get older. But, you know, I could see in the documentary how you're spiraling.

And it's like you're reaching out, you're crying for like, help me. I want, I need love. Well, I didn't quite understand why I was hurting. I knew that I experienced all these things, but I didn't, I, I almost forgot what hurt so bad. And so all I knew was that I was in pain and I wanted to die. So I grew up in the age of social media and self-harm was a big thing and Tumblr and whatever people would post.

And so me and my friends all were in broken homes and whatnot. And so we would, we would talk about cutting and burning with like lighters and stuff. It was almost like a competition like, oh, yeah, well, my life sucks. So I did this. And I wrote fat on my, on my thigh. And oh, yeah, well, my dad yelled at me yesterday. You know what I'm saying? And where your parents was like Brian letting you do whatever you sort of wanted, did he have?

Like, no, there are no guidelines, no discipline. Like be home by 10. Did you have to be home at 10? Our life was kind of crazy. Like there were, we would travel and stuff. And I would be on the road with him when he when, sorry, let me backtrack. When he left corn, he started a solo project, a Brian Hood Walsh band, and then later was love and death. And they would play shows at bars and little clubs and stuff.

And I would go on the road and be doing homework at like 3 a.m. So my life was a little different in that way, I would say. He tried to be strict and be like the dad and whatever, but our life was too inconsistent that it didn't, it wasn't there. And she didn't have, it wasn't like we lived in a town and her friends were in town that she could go and then hang out till 10 it was like hey we're going on the road this month next month um dad i want to go to phoenix and visit my friends because we used to live in phoenix and so i'd fly her out there and talk to the parents oh they're going to be good and then you know and then she got some stuff that way but when did she start lashing out when was it like you know

the whole i hate you i'm tired of you when did you know like you've got to step up how do you sit there and say hey you need help when you're the one who needed help for so long and how does that give you any kind of validity? Was she always questioning that? She was questioning a lot. What do you think? 13 and a half or something? Yeah, I would say when I hit 7th grade, I really started to hurt.

You know, I really started to experience the pain of things. But, yeah, I started to, I think, voice it and lash out and really self-harm when I was 13. And were you devastated by this? Yeah, totally, because, you know, I tried to discipline her, but like I'd say, give me your phone. you're not going to have it for a couple days and then she'd say okay i'm doing my homework now i'm doing it and say come on i did it i'm not going to do it no more too and she would say please you know like uh bart simpson keeps repeating himself all right dad yeah dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad okay i don't remember that you don't remember that well i would never hold the discipline

because you'd always talk me out of it that's what i'm saying yeah i was a good manipulator this is hard because at time you felt like you you've got to left it all you want to raise your daughter you're having this relationship well I guess at this point when did you leave the band in 2005 2005 and you kind of rejoin like that's shit started you started touring with them a little later right yeah like eight years later when she was 14 though almost 15 so it was a long time I know it's kind of it's crazy story right it's like it is a crazy story it's hard to keep up with the timeline yeah and it's just like you know you have it's especially like when you you found yourself and you found yourself and you down God and all these things and then you have a daughter that's acting out and then she's you know she wants attention she's suffering and she's hurting and it's like again how do you not fall back into that you're like I kind of did this for you in a way but you understand fully what she's doing and why she's doing it and then these are her feelings she's had these deep so it's very I mean it probably takes a lot of therapy were you guys going to therapy together um we we tried

yeah she wasn't uh really having it and uh well I feel like kids in sorry let me cutting you off I feel like kids who have attachment issues, therapy doesn't work because bonding is scary. And the only reason you would tell your feelings to someone or the only reason they would want to know is because they want something from you. It's not just because they care about you. And so therapy scared me and why would I tell this woman that I don't even know all these things that happened to me? And what if she snitches on me, you know? What if I tell her something and then I get in trouble, you know? And so it just didn't work.

And did you feel like you were absolutely 100% honest with her? Yeah. I mean, I tried to be, but you know what? I carried around so much that self-hatred I had when I was growing up. It was, and then I couldn't get together. I had so much rage and anger problems. And I remember she said one day she was like, I said, I'm sorry, you know, because I blew up. And she's like, you're not sorry.

If you're sorry, you wouldn't keep doing it. But that's, you don't understand. I can't stop doing it. I can't control myself, my anger sometimes. You know how bad I want to? I want to, but she couldn't comprehend it at 14. She's probably thinking, well, if you can't control yourself and if you can't, why are you telling me to control myself?

Yeah. So it's like she didn't respect when I would say, okay, you're going to do this or da-da-da-da-da, as a parent. It's like she didn't respect that because I was such a mess, you know? It was like we're older brother and sister or something. Right. Right. And she just wanted a dad in a way, right? I mean, in a lot of ways.

And I'm just, all I had was the massive love for her. Everything else, discipline, and, and, uh, I just didn't have, I didn't have, sorry. No, I could see her getting emotional. Now, why are you getting, talk to me about that? Sorry. No. I think it's important. Um, well, I think, uh, from the, from the start just, you, you don't really,

when you go through trauma like that like being left alone with skinheads and your mom abandoned to you and leaves you with a 16 year old and her boyfriend and for days and your dad comes home and you know you you have from house to house it takes years and layers

to like really heal from that and so I guess hearing it again was really hard just just accepting that that happened to me is hard thanks to bring it up Michael no but it's part of it and it's part of the healing yeah you're like you made a movie of it like

come on i know i know and we're supposed to talk about but it's hard man it's hard to hear it it's hard for me to talk about it it's hard sometimes but that's why it's so important what you did that's a documentary is so important that's why it's so important that you're here because you're fighting through the pain you're fighting through it to show i mean i just think it helps so many people who are going through this shit there's so many have my father daughter issues and mommy issues and all these things we all have it most of us have it and for you guys to open up about it and show the world you have to do whatever it takes you know you going to therapy you finding god or anybody finding whatever it is that helps them and you going to somewhere like the youth center

which you made some big changes and found yourself that's like that's brave that's fucking to me that's exactly why i'm doing the show come on and you know what it's good to feel And maybe that's another layer that got, you know, touched and healed and everything. And so, so it's, and it's good for, for people to see that it's okay to feel, you know? Because people bury. Yep. They bury this stuff. And they tried, yeah, they try to just, well, that's the past.

That's the past. Well, if you keep pushing it down, we all know what that brings. It doesn't bring nothing good when you push everything down. And we all do it. Yep. It's all, it's all really. about shame, isn't it? It's all about you feel so shameful. You don't want to talk about it. You don't want to bring it up. You know it hurts the other person. It hurts you so you just keep pushing it down.

And what does that do? What that does, I've done it. It manifests itself and you start to act. You start to have physical problems, like mental stress. Things come out. I have things that I'm like, you know, I'm going to try Reiki. You know, Reiki is? I think I pronounced that right. It's like an energy healing. Oh, yeah. Because I've had so much, so many surges, which we've talked about all this shit. And it's just like, you know, I don't care what it takes. I want to feel better. I want to heal myself. I'll do whatever. I'll go to any. You know how Andy Kaufman in that movie, man on the moon, you know, he thinks that this guy is this masterful healer and he knows it's not real, but he just has hope that somebody out there can help him. Is Reiki dry needle? No, it's all, it's, I don't think so. I mean, I don't know a lot about it, but it's really energy like healing. Like healing. Like, just hands on, like, emotional stuff. And, like, because we, and I'm, I'm trying it. Because I've heard enough of people saying, hey, try it.

You know how many people said do acupuncture? It's going to help you. Yeah, it didn't really help me a ton. And then what I end up doing, I end up going put, getting put under and getting anesthesia and getting feeling good for a couple hours and then injecting my spine and then doing it all over again. And, you know, doesn't really help. Right.

But it does feel good to not be in pain for a little while. I just think a lot of it is mental. I think I do at this point in my life I feel like a lot of pain that I have is stress is the certain underlying thing that things from childhood things from that I am trying to work out

that I'm trying to get out of me it's almost like a fucking exorcist man right you know just like yeah now take me yeah I want somebody to go take me exactly I know what you know we all have it I see you I see you both last week I felt like that yeah I don't melt down not like a massive meltdown like before but I was just like

like i was talking about in the kitchen with you it was like i just want simple why am i getting this why am i getting that it's just making me stressed out i just want to chill i want simple condo i'm glad you brought that up because you guys he was talking about i want things to be simple and you know when you were with corn it was so much that definitely wasn't simple right although you disappeared in in drugs and all these things but then you you said i found what i'm looking for you know i found religion i found god and then you know uh i just want a simple life oh i don't want to be busy all the time i just want to and then all of a sudden you're like okay i'm getting a little bored now need something else and then you're like then all of a sudden you start to do

all these things again and it comes out and then you're too busy again yeah so it's a cyclical back and forth thing of like do you want to really live a simple life you know it's a balance it's a tug it's a tug of war but it's like hey this is my schedule for the week i'm I'm going to go talk on this dipshit's podcast for an hour with my daughter. And then when I leave that, I'm going to go see my friend, Monkey, who has a baby. And then, you know, I'm going to go get some lunch with my daughter. And then tomorrow, I'm going to go to church. And then here's my schedule for the week, but I'm going to do as much as I can for myself as I am with work.

Because people always say, I'm not my work. So if you're doing too much and pulled into everything, it's just like the drugs, right? It's just like you have the decision to go, fuck it, no. I don't want to go do another podcast I don't want to do this I'm taking the day off I'm gonna sleep in late I'm gonna go see a movie by myself or with Jenea and that's just the fucking way it is

is this is my world so we all have that choice yeah yeah and it's just doing it's just going I can't man it's like during Christmas we're we're like every it's her break where she's just free to do something for a couple weeks from school from work all of that take two weeks yeah so we're always like okay we're we always come to California We're going to go to Disney World.

We're going to do it a little. This year we went to Vegas. We went to Bakersville. She went to Phoenix. I went back to Nashville. And it was just like next year, we're not doing nothing. We're just going to Bakersfield, seeing grandparents. But then when next year comes, what's it going to be like, well, we do have two weeks off?

Maybe we can't go to Vegas, too. You know what I'm saying? It's that balance. It's like you want rest and then you forget because you want adventure too. Yeah. it's you know it's it's it's it's tough watching the documentary and it's it fills me with a lot of hope and I think it will give people a lot of hope because it just felt like is this going to be one those documents I know you didn't die at the end of the documentary but at the same time I'm like

you know if I didn't know you know if I didn't know anything about you I'm like you know how is he going to get out of this right and how is she going to survive she's going to be fucked how many times have you looked at a kid some other kid from some other family go that kid's fucked like man poor kid his parents suck or his parents can't get it together and he's acting out he's doing all these things and it takes so much work like for that kid not to be it just takes focus and everything and i mean there's a lot of people that have been through like a lot worse than we have that have been okay you know you just got to want to fight through it you want to you want to uh process you know process it because every family's broken in some way yeah small

large broken is broken you know there's issues you know what i thought of something funny out of all this funny stuff we're talking about but i was thinking every time i look at a rock star and i look at their lives and i look at you and i'm like seeing all the drugs that you've done i know for sure i never would have made it as a rock star really i would have died day one my rosenbaum his first concert out here at madison square garden and he's dead i don't even know how it is you look at you guys and you guys aren't fat pigs you're like skinny rockers long hair and you're just drinking and drinking and doing drugs and I'm like I do one hit of a fucking hybrid mostly of indica which means I always remember into couch so you're mellow like you're

just into couch mellow and I'm the next day I'm like I can't get it together I just got to make it to the counter for a burger with my friend I'm so like for some reason drugs just I can't do something like I don't even look at I couldn't even imagine doing one week on tour with you guys matching what you guys were doing I mean you were always drunk always on drugs right there was no reality really other than just not always on drugs but always drinking yeah how many drinks do you think you had a day if you had to say measure it in a fifth of vodka if there was a fifth of vodka do you think you drank a fifth of vodka day what's a fifth is a fifth like one of those big bottles that go like that It's not the giant leader. It's the one small, but not the pint. Oh, yeah. Okay. Probably something like that.

A fifth. So roughly, you know, five to ten fifths a week. How did you have health problems? Or seven. Did the doctor ever say your liver is done? Well, you have to take two. They were young. They were 20 something, mid-20s, late 20s.

I stopped in my early 30s. Yeah. So I'm sure there was damage. But as monkey and all these guys still drinking that much? no god they're all slow down family men they're all married have kids and yeah i mean um there's a few that that drink wine every once in a while purple tooth drummer purple 1 a m he's like hey man it and purple and uh our bass player has some beers every night but uh but not but they control it yeah no drugs really in the band no no just like a couple eight balls a week oh my god do you think

there's corn fans out there no no corn fans going just going just going What happened are these guys? They're my idols and now. And of course, now, who gives a shit what they think? They were young. Your fans, everybody was young. You were doing something. You found your way and you're lucky.

You're not dead. Yeah, we're just people, man. So if they're like that, then I don't really care for the fans. Did you think you were going to lose? And did you notice, like, I am walking away from this. And I'm walking away from all my friends who I grew up with and gave me this opportunity. And I am walking away from all the fans. who have put many dollars and many bunch did you I mean and I'm thinking about that like you

were did you that come across your mind a lot a little bit but um the feeling was so powerful that oh my gosh I know I know I know that I know that I know because of that enlightenment and that awakening that that Christ is real and that the other side is real so I need to focus on that and this precious little six year old girl and so the fans sorry Sorry, I love you fans. Sorry, I love you band members, but this stuff's more important. Well, of course, I understand. That's it.

But there was, I'm an emotional human being, so I was like, yeah, I felt bad. I was like, and there was a $23 million deal that they signed like about three months after I left the band. And I know what? Yeah, for any of my records. Did you almost jump back and go, all right, I'm back. Found God, lost him. Here I am. I mean,

Wow. Well, no, you know what I'm saying? Because people, it depends. How much do you really love God? How much do you really think this is helping your life? I love it. That's good. You could have been out of there.

Many people have said, you know what? What the fuck am I doing? Or I could have said, I love God too. Thank you, God, for this money, you know? Yeah. But I would have said, okay, Janaya, I know I quit the band, but I'm going to go back. And another two years, then I'll be home.

Right. Because they went on tour more than ever. Because it was the first 360, major 360. deal where merch was involved and everything right so they got the 23 million up front and they were doing that that deal while i was in the band what happened was i went i didn't tell anybody i went and i did i went to media and told him you know i found gone i found god i awakened i'm light and all that and i'm leaving the band and so they didn't know so they're like dude we're doing the hugest deal we've ever done and you're out there saying you're quitting you're doing nothing to help this deal get

signed so yeah they were pissed off so do you remember because you wrote a letter to the band right you wrote an email it wasn't like you remember you did watch it told you i fucking watched i watched because it was good i didn't i would have fast forward if it wasn't i really would have i want to give props to tori mayo who the creative team that put this film together they made it that way so yeah it's really good folks um you know part of me is like did you never not get in a confrontation with the guys going, what the fuck are you doing? Like screaming at you, telling you, what are you doing, leaving messages on your phone, or did they leave you alone?

They just, it was like a wall went up between us, and they never, I never saw him. I did see the bass player, Fildy, about three months after I left because his father, who I knew since I was a teenager, passed away, and I went to the funeral. And it's funny, the funeral wasn't funny at all. It was really deep.

I was like, wait a minute of it. I spoke. I actually spoke. Does anybody else anything to say? And I went up and I spoke. I was crying and I went up to Phildy and I was just like, hey, you know, I talked to his dad on the phone and I said something that his dad told me. And then I go, hey, I just want to tell you that your dad said. And he, like, it was so quiet at the funeral.

Everybody was walking. And he turned around and he goes, you ain't better than me. And I'm like, everybody looked at us and I'm like, dude, I'm just, I know, I just, you know, I had to leave the band. I'm just telling you what he said. And that was it. Could you imagine the pain that he was going through, though? Like his father left and then the pain of losing you. And then, you know, it's so fresh that he, it was all of it combined and he blew up.

Yeah. It was crazy. Do you cry in front of each other? Obviously, you do. You cry. I'm a cancer. Have you seen him cry a lot? Yeah, definitely.

Do you feel like you cry now more than ever that you feel like you're just more emotional these days? I allow myself to cry. We are talking about that. a couple months ago or something where you got to like if you want to be a free person internally you have to allow yourself to cry and what how i do we were talking about not bottling things up yes and my thing where i i get like i'll put on music and all i'll talk to christ and i'll be like you know fix me i'm a mess and spend an hour with them or whatever and sometimes tears will come and tears scientifically are healing right they're healing and so that helps

me the emotion comes out and i feel it it's not all the time i'll go a year without you know crying at all it's just i know that it happens when it's supposed to yeah i feel like i'm more emotional too i mean i told you i mean you know not to make you feel like you know i'm the same page with you by any means but you know i went too well in the center last year that my you know my fans know we're all the same man and it just like you know i just was like hey i need help man i don't i don't i don't i'm not me i don't i'm not the best me i'm not near it i don't i don't like me i don't love me I don't, um, I know there's some good guy in there like I know I'm a good guy just don't, I don't feel it and, uh, I need help and saw I went and I, I couldn't believe how emotional

I was for someone who doesn't get emotional a lot because my family never got emotional. Boy, was I wrong. I really. So many things, you know, and I talk about this, but like something I think you and I can relate to is you were probably in this youth center. Is that what they called it, a youth center? It's a, a boarding school. That's what we call it. therapeutic boarding school yeah right and it's like but it wasn't a boarding school what you're

thinking in your mind disciplinarian like love and like hey healing yes just disciplinarian in a loving way right and you loved it right oh my gosh it changed my life a hundred percent isn't that something don't you feel like you found so much like for me i found like i always i think i've repeated this a few times but you guys just i haven't talked to janea so i'm saying this you're fine but i remember i was doing something and i was crying about something and she goes you know this is great michael you're re-learning and I go no I'm not just what I go I'm learning I've never learned these things that a child should have learned when when a moon's ago I never knew this stuff it was like a new dawn a new day I was like it was so wonderful to start to go wow imagine being a kid again

but now getting all the things and yep and but you have to I'm an adult so it's like okay you didn't get that as a kid fuck that's okay you know what give them to yourself now yeah feel the shit that you didn't feel so you could have real relationships and you don't resent and you don't hold grudges and you can just move the fuck on. Yeah. You don't swear a lot. I haven't heard you guys swear. Have I been swearing too much? No. We don't, we don't have good

manners. What? What are you saying? You swear. He swear. Yeah, we have problems with that a little bit sometimes. We do. Whatever. No, go ahead. It's more, it's more like funny. Like when we're joking, we'll be like, fuck. But, no. You don't do it at church

though. No, wait. let me ask you this because a lot of people this is this to me this is the most important because again people will always say god oh they found god yeah and they'll roll their eyes i did that and i feel like you know i don't sit here and say screw you for not believing in god i don't tell you what an idiot you are for not having faith so why should you sit here and roll your eyes because i found something that helps me in my life yeah so why are you judging me and saying i'm not i'm crazy. Now look, there are extremes in all ways, right? They're extreme atheists that are like, yeah, yeah, that's all they do is, you know, it's like, okay, so you're an idiot. And they're

the extremists that are like, if you don't do this, you're going to burn in hell, join my religion, then of course, fuck those people. And that's the way I feel. But then you got people at my friend Chris Dowling and Danique Dowling who go to a church in Santa Clarita or my friend John Heater and his wife Kirsten, who were Mormons, who don't tell me what to do. They don't do, but I go over there and have a family dinner and they, religion works for them. And they have morals and values. And I aspire to be good human beings like they are. Chris, they raise a wonderful family.

And if it's God that help them do that and their spiritual, spirituality, whatever, I commend them. Right. I go to church every year with them for Christmas. And I fall in love with it. The deal with the downings. Oh, okay. I've been to that church that you're going to speak. Isn't it Rusty awesome?

I love that you. I was just going to say. Rusty and Rusty speaks he's the pastor there and every year I'm in tears and I'm like it was just beautifully well-spoken articulate and fun and just real and I and I just go these are people who are just really nice people who found something that they all can relate to and that they love and they believe in and look what they do for the for the community and look what they do so tell me what they do for the community oh my gosh they so there was the shooting three months ago remember yep they're there they like everybody comes to them in that community and I'm obviously

there's other people like gathering around but you know and they're helping the hurting man yeah there's hurting people and Christians look they don't have it all together there was a pastor there that took his life just in the last year same church yeah and so it's for broken people trying to help other broken people man and it's just that they found their thing that works and you know I found mine and it's like Jesus said that there's there's like two roads you know you can get lost in an extremist you know, atheist or in drugs or whatever it is, or you can get lost in religion. I stay in the middle, the road of life, you know, where you don't judge people, you just, you know, you be yourself, you find out what works for you, and it's worked.

15 years, whatever I found, which was, you know, Christ in my life, I'm not really a church guy. I don't go to church a lot because my lifestyle's on the road, but I study like some of the Christian mystics back in the day, and I'm a meditator and stuff like that. that works so good for me yeah you know in the documentary just in case there's one more thing you're not convinced i watched it that one of your band member says when he saw you he just goes yeah like that was working for him that's what he needed monkey yeah and monkey said that that was towards the end of the movie you even watched it of course i did so so it's like he saw it in my

so if you really love someone whatever it takes for them to find themselves to be the best person they could be to love themselves to want to live a lot of times it's selfish you know i i i've seen where you know even when i i came back from the wellness center i'm just all routineed out and structured out doing this i'm doing art night and i'm doing i'm having this all these like things you know even one of my friends was like hey man this was after but he goes yeah you know it's like it's nice to see like whatever like this and I go, what do you mean? I don't know, you're kind of, I don't know, boring, you know? Really? I guess this was post, like, uh, wellness center. Like for a couple months, I was

finding myself. I go, I was boring. Wow. And you started to think, oh, shit, I don't want to be boring. Right. But it's like, it doesn't matter. You have to just do this for yourself. Right. And if you started thinking about, man, you're changed, man. Look at you. I'm like, yeah. Well, I mean, it's just, it gets kind of fucked up. This, look, I really like this. I know it's been kind of going, we've kind of gone all over the place in a way, but now you guys have this relationship. And I'm sure it's not perfect. I'm sure it's still like, you know, I saw you, you're texting monkey because he's has a kid

and she's kind of looking at you like, fuck, come on, we're doing it in. Oh, yeah. And, you know, do you still? He's ready to go from the hotel today. Do you call each other out? Do you really genuinely call each other out? Do you say, you know, dad, you're doing this and talk to you? She will call me out my shit, yes, definitely.

And do you agree with it usually? Yeah, but mostly it's just, you know, she accepts me for who I am, and so I'm just a nutball, like, always goofing around, and we just kind of have fun together, you know, because she's living her life, she's growing up in Indiana, and she's become an adult. I do. And do you, is it, do you like him? Not you. Oh, I thought you asked her that.

Do you like your boyfriend? Do you like, you hold your hand, too, Tim? told you i say stupid shit sometimes i'm like chris farley interviewing so you like your boy idiot why would you ask that no brian do you like him i do he was uh you know first date i told him how important she is to me and that we went through a lot of processing to uh get to where we are in life right now and just so he knows that and he was like he really respected that then he asked me um a few weeks later or months or whatever for her hand in marriage?

They were just friends. They were good friends going on date. And they were going to take it further. And he's like, do you mind if I, like, you know, I want your daughter to be my girlfriend. Make it official. You're like, cool, man. He was, he's a, he's a sweet, nice kid. Is he a drinker?

No. Would you, you, you wouldn't date a drinker, would you? Or somebody was addicted to drugs or anything like that. I couldn't. I mean, how could you do that, right? I couldn't. I mean, that would be just stupid. You've seen it all.

You know it doesn't work. Yeah. So you're almost doing something that you know. Thank you. I mean, think about that. All the shit you've been through, no matter how attracted. And sometimes... Oh, I know.

Sometimes people think, you know, I'm attracted to guys that are messed up. I want to fix them. It's going to fail. It's going to fail. My dad was messed up. I want to... So, and I think guys do that with girls. It's not just the...

It's true. It's mutual. It's true. So when you date somebody, obviously, are you with someone now? No. You're not. But do you look for someone who is the opposite of you? someone who listens to air supply yes i don't date anybody man i'm just all out of love so you just

you're still you go out you have fun you like you like sex you like fun sorry about saying that for you don't i just don't uh no i don't date i'm kind of like a monk i'm like a heavy metal monk a metal monk i just kind of like i like to read i like to be alone i like but when i did date like uh i dated this girl from england just briefly and she was she was really quiet and sweet so i like that i don't like what does this tattoo mean is this is well you with the devil then well and this one here what's the h oh it spells something oh look my god sorry that was horrible english that was just that was perfect i don't know i did it no she was just i need somebody chill because i'm course me too i'm like look at me i'm a spas i'm a spas your head i'm a head case

this is yeah when i go home though I'm chill and so I need chill and I don't need someone like and wanting to change things whatever because he loves his routine so I think a girl that goes

with the flow Do you have someone? Sorry. No I really I don't have someone I have you know I have your doggies I have my doggies

I see someone who's awesome but we're on the same page like you know it's just it's very honest where it's like you know you're still finding yourself And, you know, I don't know what this is, but, you know, look, I would love. I mean, there's nothing better than being in love and, like, having someone there for you.

I mean, I think, you know, we all deserve it, you know. Did you have it at one time? I've had it. I've lost it. I've been reckless. I've been like, oh, you know, this is fine, but I'm not ready for this. And then, wow, that hurts. Wow, that's a year of pain because I was fucking an idiot.

Yeah. Because I made a wrong decision because of my ego or whatever. And you suffer for it. You suffer for it. So I feel like now at my age, if I found someone right now that just was like, you know, this is it. There's no doubt in my mind. I'm like, I'm not going to lose her. And I'm going to do whatever I can.

In fact, I go above and beyond. I stay in things longer because I'm like, make sure that this is not right. Right. Make sure. No one's perfect. Look at yourself. You're like definitely not perfect. You know, do you back to you, Janad, do you look at somebody that's more like your dad or less like your dad or maybe has the heart of

your dad but you don't i think i'm still figuring it out and figuring out um you're young i'm so young i'm i'm chilling just don't take care of someone unless they're taking care of you too 100% unless and no codependency right yep 100% i'm i'm with you do you have a relationship with your mom no we don't talk um she went through some insane childhood trauma and she's i never dealt with it yeah i mean she there's no there's there was no opportunity where she could you know and So she's doing her thing, you know? And so it's still hurts and I'm still like before like how I was emotional. It's I still get to those places and it's just another layer of healing.

And so we just kind of like ride over that subject and then yeah, we don't. Yeah, but I mean, I think it's good to talk about it because a lot of people can relate to it. And a lot of kids and a lot of adults really have parents who have struggled with addiction, you know? And so it's like this thing. where they're okay one day, but then they're not okay the next day and they do something sporadic and, oh, that's just mom. That's just, she just deals with that. And so I've learned that I, I, I'm whole without her. Can I say, can I tell you one thing? That's good. This is what I've learned and this took me a lot of therapy. I'm not saying your mom's crazy. If you think your mom's

crazy, let's just say, you know how people say, my mom's crazy. If you think that you can fix her or change her or make her a different person or make her the mother that you've wanted, then you're crazier than she is. You have to just say, this is you. And I will take as little or as much of you as I want because I'm an adult and it's my choice. And I'm not going to let the things or actions that you do affect the way I feel. And I'm not going to feel guilty. I'm not going to feel anything. I was a little girl. I should have been taken care of. And this is what I want out of our relationship. If you want a relationship, I think, I mean, that's what I did with my mother. I love my mother, but this is, I, I'm in charge of what kind of

relationship I want with anybody. That's good. That's healthy, man. Yeah, that's so healthy. And it's hard because sometimes people are desperate. Boundaries. That's it, man. But just like, you're your own woman. You're strong. You went through so much. It's only going to make you stronger. You deserve the best dude. Someone who respects you, you know, and that's it, you know. Um, all this. Better bring it, Zach. Yeah. Zach, I'm sure Zach's a great guy. Look, Loud Crazy Love is the documentary, and where can people see this? It's on Showtime right now. You can get it on-demand Showtime.

You can watch it when it comes on. You can, wow. You can find it on all digital platforms. I was going there. But we did the deal with Showtime, so I'm plugging Showtime. Where can we find it right now? But yeah, so you can get it on-demand through. You watch the documentary.

I'm getting there. What was that? I don't really want to talk about it. But, yeah, all digital platforms. and uh or you can get it through you know brian headwells dot net the DVDs amazon iTunes all that loud crazy love with a K loud crazy look with a K and I'm telling you I watched it you heard this I loved it I think it's important if you're going through any kind of struggle

if you have this daughter father mother whatever relationship it's about family it's not it's not you I mean to think it's that how about just like people who face adversity and have found something that works for them and they're look this is a constant work I don't look at you two and think, oh, they're perfect. They're fixed. You're not. You're fucking flawed like I am, like the rest of us. But you know what it is?

You're doing something about it. You're doing something about it. That's the bottom line is you're making a step in the right direction every day. Even if you feel like you're going backwards, you still see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I think that's the most important thing that we all look at. Yeah. So watch this documentary. Well, thank you.

I thank the both of you. This is, oh, really quickly, we're going to do a little, this is really fast. This is called shit-talking with Rosenbaum. Okay. And these are quick questions from my patrons, from Patreon. It's this cool thing. Love it. Yeah, I know about Patreon.

So these are some patrons that ask some questions. Megan L. What is the most, and these could be fast. You don't have to answer. You probably already answered these, so you could be quick. Okay. Megan L. What is the most surreal experience, Janaya had as a daughter of a rock star?

The most unique or surreal experience that you remember going, oh, my God, I remember I was tossed around. the crowd as a three-year-old, like one of those balloons or those beach balls. How about meeting Snoop Dog? Hey, come here, little mama. Yeah, when I was four years old, it was at some festival or something, and he was like six foot five or whatever. From the depths of the sea.

Look at this little Janaya, looking at me. Yeah, like that. And she pet dolphins at four months old in Australia, so maybe that. Well, you know what, Janaya. And tigers, we have pictures of it. It's in the book. first book. Did you ever read it? Did you ever look it? You know what I noticed though? I will say this because Janaya's probably thinking it. Say dad yes you're saying all these things are all true but let

me come up with the most surreal thing that I think. Okay go. This is Janaya's question. Right Jania? She's like dad I those were all great but nothing will top this. My bad. Even Snoop, right? Was that it? Snoop? He's asking me. Okay. Okay. Sorry. I don't know. You were answering. Okay. This is actually kind of embarrassing but my favorite band was Blinkled 82 growing up when I was 12 12 13 I loved pop punk that was my shit and so um we got to see blink when Tom DeLong was still in the band he left um we got to see them meet them backstage and we went to their dressing room and Tom's like hey it's so good to meet you when dad with you yeah yeah did you like them oh I love blink I still do really yeah Travis is my favorite drummer

on the planet yeah Parker and they were awesome guy they were all so nice and it just I was I was I smiled. He would say Tom DeLong and I would smile for the next month, like being 12. Yeah, she's in love with them. But she grew out of that. So no way, Tom, sicko. Don't even think about it. Danny. Danny. I'd like to know what musical taste Brian and Janaya shares are a band or an album that they both love. That they just, that's it. That's it. Ariana Grande. We will listen to her last night. And it's like some of her songs are cheesy for me, but there's some that get me. I've never listened to her. I don't know. I couldn't name one song. Should I listen to her? Breathing. The song Breathe in. It's like. because after everything she went through with like the shootings and like in the Great Britain or whatever and everything she's been through

and hearing that song, breathing, you know, just keep breathing. It just gets me. Hey, Ryan, will you write that down that I should listen to Aria Grande and then cross it out? Wow. Whatever, dude. Come on.

I'm kidding. I will check it. If you could listen to it, I will. Listen to breathing. She has the most incredible voice. I'm sure. Unreal. Unreal. Angie, if you could go back in time and change one thing about your life,

what would it be and why? both of you. I mean, this is, this is, this is tough, but it's probably easy in a way, but it's tough. I learned a lot from my addictions, but probably the addictions, you know, so a lot of goods come out of it, but the damage done to her, I would have definitely gone back and reversed. I would say same. I think a lot of people say, you know, the pain made me stronger, but I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybody, but because I can't accept it and I make the most of it. Megan, was it difficult to rebuild the relationship? with the corn band members after leaving the band.

I mean, the documentary would show you that when you watch it, but it was, uh, it was difficult. It was, I mean, once we got back together after eight years, it was just easy. Everything was forgiven. But during, I mean, we were separate. Like, we didn't talk. It was, it was, did you ever say, let's have a group prayer? I'm like, fuck you.

Wow. No. Never. No? They let me do it. Like, when I first, when I first joined the band, we were doing it. And then I could see, like, the singer Rolls Eyes. So I was like, okay, no more prayers before the show.

It's just, it's like you say the same thing every night, you know? And it's like, yeah, we got to do that. Jerry W., these are just comments, two comments, says, Divine is my favorite angry music song. Nice. I listen to it when I'm in a bad mood and sing along. Then I laugh hysterically at myself and I'm good. That's so cool.

No question. Dude. It's no question. Just tell Brian Welch that and see what he says. Aw. That's his form of therapy, right? Yes. He's like, he gets the anger out.

He screams it with the song. and then he laughs hysterically. Laughter is healing, too. It is. Tears and laughter. Agnes says, I want to thank you for amazing and important music, which has helped me so many times

in a lot of bad moments in my life. Agnes, I'm so thankful for you saying that. And that's what our gifts in life are about, right? To touch others and to help the world. So I'm glad you're doing better. This has been a real drill. What's your Twitter or your Instagram handles? I don't think anybody twitters anymore.

Do that. Instagram is Jena Welch. J-E-N-N-E-A-W-E-A-W-E-A-W-E-A-W-H, and don't cross it out. And Instagram, Brian Head Welch, one word, Brian with the eye, Facebook.com slash Brianhead Welch, Brianheadwaltz.net, all that. And then loud, crazy love, crazy with a K dot com. Also, I want to plug the boarding school that I went to. We are starting a campaign to raise money for kids in the foster care system and single-parent

homes. So that's awakening youth. i love it yeah we're talking about doing a fundraiser concert and everything because they need to get um licensed by the state of indiana and they've done it privately for so many years but they're awesome school so hopefully that will expand and where can they go if there's a kid out there listening or a teenager even somebody how old what's the what's the if you want to go to where you went it's a boarding school for women for girls but how old what's it was um 13 to 23 and then they're also launching a boys program and so um so yeah so yeah

Yeah, the fundraising will, that will help sponsorships, that will help get them licensed as a group home, that'll help build the facility and everything. But if someone needs to talk like a young person needs to talk, they can totally just contact them, you know, someone with no money. And what's the name of the place again? Awakening Youth.org. Dotorg and they can go there and they can ask questions and if they're interested or their parents. Or even if you're 21, 22, 23, if you're maybe 24, they might even sneak in. Absolutely. Who knows?

I appreciate this candid. open talk uh i mean i could talk to you guys forever but i really enjoyed this this is fun i know it's hard like you know i don't know you for shit and so now after watching this and talking to you i felt like during this thing it's we all started getting like all right this is you know it's it's hard it's hard to gain trust because i'm like you know i'm a guy that's interviewing you and uh i think what's what's cool you notice i've been through shit you've been we've all been through shit and i think the relatability is important i can connect with people pretty damn fast yeah honestly and I think talking about with so many people being so open, we don't have really walls up.

We just go in. But it was awesome. I love the humor and I love the deepness of the conversation. So it was a great mixture. I love what you're doing, brother. Thank you for having us. Thanks for out. Did you, by the way, did you ever, when you first left the band, did you ever read the comments?

People were saying about, you know, you and what you were doing. Did you get absorbed? Did you absorb all that? Or did you just avoid? Did you hear things like, oh, now he went from corn to candy corn or like, what kind of shit did you go through? Like, here and that. Oh, all kinds of it. It was, that it hurt?

Some of it. Of course. How could it not? One guy said, I wish he would have died on meth rather than to find Christianity. And I was like, oh, that's nice. Yeah, it's just stupid. But, uh, but. Shock value.

It's all it is. Shock value. Yeah, it hurt, man. Some of, so I stopped reading the comments because it hurt too bad, you know? Yeah. Like, you'd have 10 good ones and one. horrible one and it would like sting you it's like a dart it's like a dart in your emotions yeah uh all right that was uh that was amazing thank you for allowing me to be in what a dart

i said a dart in your motions why not a knife i call my cigarettes darts are you guys going out to smoke a dart you never heard that no there must be some indiana shit i think it was well you you should know janea brian janea thank you for allowing to be inside of you today thank you oh weird well that's the show it's called inside of you oh thank you That was intense, man. That was an intense freaking interview. And when they cried, I was like, oh, shit. And he's like, way to go, Rosenbaum.

And I'm like, fuck. I just, I don't know what it is, man. I just, I have a sensitivity to me. I feel where someone's going. And I just knew that I see her eyes welling up. And I'm like, oh, no, I got to back off. But I wasn't, I don't think I was too much. I was just talking.

Yeah. I think they really enjoyed it. And that's what I like at the end. They're like, hey, thank you for opening up. And thank you for, you know, it felt comfortable. And that made me feel good. Did you like it? Yeah.

That was a, it was riveting. It really was. I was just, I was floored. By the way, next week is the first video. Uh-huh. So this is it. I mean, next week you guys are going to hear a guest that I think you're going to really enjoy. And great job, Ryan, for the first editing job.

And it's, uh, he's been working his, ass off. And, you know, we don't pay him that much here. Uh, I thought we were, but apparently his hours are longer than, uh, he's a perfectionist, but we're working on ways to minimize his work. If you like the editing, let Ryan know, and, um, you know, we're thinking of different ways of doing things, but, uh, your input always helps. You're going to say something, Ryan. No. You weren't. No, I was literally just thinking about, we got a lot of, we got to think about the next one I got to work on. Oh, shit. I know. Let's all going to pay off. I think so. I, you know, the more successful,

this podcast becomes uh you know i you know i just want to uh be able to uh keep doing it man but you know you got to pay people like ryan who's a super talent so hey a big shout out to all my patrons uh right real quick uh these are the the top tiers who uh you know i love you all but these guys give a lot of money man so i mean every cent is a lot of money to give anything is a lot of money but i really appreciate the support and it helps pay guys like ryan right what um Allison L. Andrew C. Angelina G. Lee. Barry L. Love him. Bob, believe it or not. Bobby. Bortex. Chris, Dion K. Emily K. Emily S. Emma. H. Jason D. Jason D. Jason W. Don't get those fuckers confused.

Jerry W. Jill E. Kevin R. Kristen K. Lauren G. Lee. S. Hi Lee or Leah Just kidding Mark A Michael S Nancy D Nico P Raj My Raj Robert B

Sarah B Scott B Sean W Tiana Tricia You want to say this with me You Kiko I love you Kiko

So I want to thank all the All the patrons For really Hoking it up Who sponsor the show Or subscribe to the show And give extra money And you get a bunch of good stuff

And those top tiers are going to be getting a little care package here soon. We've got a Q&A with me. I'm doing this week. Just a lot of good stuff. And they're very insightful. And they get a lot of input. They get to ask questions to guests sometimes and blah, blah, blah. All right.

I'll be in Richmond or yes, I'll be in Richmond this weekend coming up. I'll be in Mexico in March. Look up on the socials. Make sure you subscribe. Please, guys. I say it all the time, but it really helps. If you're listening and you know 10 people, people make them subscribe the live podcast in Austin Texas with Zach Levi my first live

podcast please come support me let's get a sold out show let's have a great time I'm you know I'm gonna do it I'm gonna work it and make sure you go to inside of you live.com you could also go to margin walker presents.com 25 dollar tickets get them now early bird special me and Zachary Levi we're gonna do some fun stuff and so there's that and I'm doing stage it next weekend so make sure you go watch that live um listen to some music with jason mans and myself a little left on laurel music and everything else if you feel like uh donating to uh ronald mcdonnell house of los angeles or any ronald house or echoes of hope for foster youth or food on foot for homeless uh they're always

welcoming that you know what i mean you know what why don't we um end this with a little fan letter this is from natalie hey michael this might get get long but i promise it's worth the read I came across your podcast in November 2019. I was looking for something new to put on while I worked. I bounced around a lot of episodes, thoroughly enjoying every story that came to me from you and your guests. I got hooked pretty quick. However, I avoided Jennifer Love Hewitt episode. I avoided it like kryptonite for two months.

She's quite possibly always been one of my favorite people, so it was hard to stay away. The reason I did was that I lost my mother. Her name is Kathy, and it'll be three years in May. Sorry, Natalie. Since she's been gone, she took her own life after several. Different failed attempts over the course of what it seemed to be rapid six months. I knew that I would have to save Jennifer's episode from when I needed a good cry. The good day came a month before my 30th birthday.

Mom always made a huge deal about all our birthdays starting a month out. So I could feel that I needed a cry coming anyway. Even though I was at work, I took a deep breath and I hit play. I'm not exaggerating. When I say that, I did my work in tears once she started talking about her mom. I had the try not to ugly cry when Jennifer spoke about getting the call. My younger sister was the one to find our mom like she did and ended up being the one to call me. The rest feels like a blur.

Somehow I made it through the flight there. I remember a good amount of everything. 600 people showed up to her viewing. 600 people who loved her. We're all healing in our own ways. I had a little baby girl in May. Our son plays hockey and loves it. Knowing our daughter will never meet my mom is hard.

My mom and our story is a topic I could discuss for days if you let me. So I'll stop here for now. I just want to say a huge thank you for always being so candid on mental health, Michael. my mom would have loved you. I hope I can somehow help others the way you do one day. Also, thank you to Jennifer Love Hewitt. She helped me realize that it's okay to still grieve even after a long time. There's no time stamp on grief, and I'm going to take my time with this.

If you do end up reading this on the podcast, which I am, thank you to the listeners for sticking through this long email. Hug your parents, your spouses, significant others, kids, fur babies, plant babies. Hug everyone as long as they're cool with it. and just know you're not alone happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light

that was Dumbledore who said that best wishes Natalie Natalie thank you that's a great way to end the podcast thanks for being so strong and sharing such a personal story with us and you guys I appreciate you more than you know

I don't even think you know how much I appreciate you thank you for listening thank you for allowing me to be inside all of you from Ryan Tejas and myself. That's me. We'll see you soon. Believe has the podcast to enhance your football experience from the pros. It's one of the most interesting quarterback rooms.

college. Michigan is set at eight and a half wins. To fantasy. If you feel that way, why didn't you trade them? Become a better fan and listen to the football podcasts from Believe. Just search Believe. That's B-L-E-A-V podcast. Follow and listen on your favorite platform.