Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum - Matt Bellassai

Episode Date: December 18, 2018

Matt Bellassai (Unhappy Hour, Whine About It) discuss how he was loved too much as a child, getting high and going to The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter, and how depression affects his life. Matt discusses his first stand up gig, bombing at Toronto Just for Laughs, and he tells us which guys he’s masturbated to. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum, Rob, I got my own brand of wine. Can you believe it? I can't believe it. Yeah, dude. Tom Welling, who played Clark County in Smallville. He and I got together with Stephen Amel from Arrow, who has a company called Knocking Point. And you guys want, you'll come up with the emblems, the taste, whatever you guys want, and we'll come out because it's part of our subscription in January. Wait, what does it taste like? What did you pick? I picked a Sauvignon Blanc. and Tom is going to describe it well any more than that here's the thing I went through like 10 bottles of wine like I got honestly drunk at a couple of these tastings because I'm not even a big wine drinker but I wanted something that tasted like you know you tasted it like gatorade a little well it didn't give you a sour taste or an after taste like it's just something that was soothing and smooth and had a little bite to it so that's what I wanted in in my wine and Tom you know he's a little heavier he's got a red wine we decided it would be a picture of me to on my bottle next to a picture of Tom. So when you put them together, we've got it's a face off. Yeah, that's the thing that we got printed too.

Yeah, they printed on that canvas thing for you and you got it signed it for you and Tom signed it for you. And they're cool collectors editions, man. It's like a face off. It's like a very, very cool, what would you say? Well, if you put the bottles together, you can make you and Tom kiss. I guess you could if that's how you're thinking because you're a little bit of a perv. But tell these good folks, how they can get these bottles one, Robert.

Well, then go to knocking point.com and use the code inside of you for $10 off. That's N-O-C-I-N-G-P-O-I-N-T.com with the code inside of you. $10 off on wine. Check it out. We got a great guest today. Hilarious comedian who, speaking of wine, loves to get drunk and what was his show called? He likes to get drunk and wine about it. That's what it's called, right?

Wine about it. Matt Balasai, big comedian, and it was fun getting in his head because he's just one of those guys He just is so quick. That's what his comedy is, his style. He's really able to just riff and he likes drinking. Yeah, and he tells us what guys he masturbated to. Want to know which guys I masturbated to? Yeah.

Well, listen to the interview. I might tell you. Inside of you is brought to you by Flatiron School. In the next 60 seconds, you're going to learn how the Flat Iron School can change your life. The Flatiron School will teach you everything you need to get a job in code, data science, or design. And they'll also prepare you for the jobs that don't even exist yet. because this is a school rob designed to educate you in the art of change so if you're feeling stuck bored unfulfilled flat iron will teach you how to change things you'll learn by making things

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Inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum was not recorded in front of a live studio audience. I'm with Matt Belisai. Yes. Is that correct? Belisai. Belisai. Yeah. Because it's spelled Belisai.

Yeah. Am I right? It is spelled how it sounds. How many people F your name up? I could say fuck, but I said F. I used to get, I used to get, like, Belisari, like they would just add that letters in. Yeah. But, yeah, it's gotten better.

It's gotten better. Belisai. Yes. Belts your middle name. Lewis. Matthew Lewis, Belisai. That's it. What's the worst name you've ever been called?

I, like, variation of that, or just, like, what slur has been hurled at me? I'm sure there's been some hurling. I've been hurled some negative things in my life. On the Bellasai. I just, I was saying, telling someone else, I went to Spain. It was like the first international trip I've taken. And this Spanish man said that my name meant means beautiful woman, that he'd never heard a man named to that before.

And he like said it to me, expect, like, I was supposed to like apologize that I had been parading around with this name. Oh, so he was insulted that your last name was, I was like, beautiful woman. And you're like, I'm sorry, that's my name. He's like, why is this your name? I don't understand. I was like, I don't, yeah, he was expecting a beautiful woman, and he got me. Have you ever been in drag before, Matt? I dressed for a picture as Adele, and I just looked like my mother.

That's the closest I've gotten to dress. Isn't that funny how you say you look like your mother? I did a movie that no one saw called sorority boys. And I was in drag. One of the many times I've been in drag, and a lot of people question my sexuality, which is fine. I'm comfortable with my sexuality, and I just don't care. I've kissed guys before. sure um you know uh theater class back at western kentucky we had a room uh the whole the whole theater

department got together and we played a spin the bottle or something and guys had to kiss guys in order for girls to kiss girls and i i kiss some guys sure i remember matthew semrick had a soft tongue i remember uh yeah i remember certain things yeah i really missed out on theater class i guess but i remember i've always i've done movies in drag i think i've been in drag two or three times did a movie called Sweet November with Kenna Reeves. And I remember right after sorority boys, my mother called me elated. And she said, Michael, oh my God, all my friends say you look exactly like me in drag. I'm like, that's not a compliment to you, mom.

Yeah. It's, I'm a man. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. Dressing as a woman, fine, looking like your mother. Not funny. Why do we look like our mother when we're in drag?

I think it's because you have this. I think everybody is sort of. wonders like what would I look like as the opposite gender right and the answer is always your mother yeah yeah yeah that's kind of a scary thing because my mom you know she she was always heavily medicated right sure I don't know if that has anything to do with it but uh you know she used to do she get all looped up on like uh percocets and like I think it was percissets back then maybe just valium and do like these imaginary snow angels in the carpet uh-huh living room and just kind of my dad would be yelling at me and my mom would be leave my

alone mark not everybody could be as smart as you as i'm as he's helping me with my pre algebra yeah pre i didn't get very far you're an intelligent guy i could tell you carry yourself pretty well you know i've from illinois yeah yeah rob's from illinois yeah yep what part uh i grew up in hoffman estates okay wait a minute estates huffman estates yeah estate sounds like it's fancy yeah there was a you had to pass through a couple gates to get to your house wasn't that fancy. But it was fancy. No, no, no, no. It was the suburbs, but it wasn't... Do you look like your mom in drag, Rob?

I have never been in drag, so... And where you're from Aslip? What is it? Al-Sip is the name of the town I'm from. It's not Aslip. No, no. By the way, I have some waters for you. Might as well. Might as well.

I'm thirsty. Are you thirsty? Grab some of that. I will. If it's carbonated, I'll burp, but we'll be good. Matt Bellaside now. Listen, for those of you don't know him, you got to check his shit out because I looked over a lot of stuff and wine about it, which, I mean, just, you're hilarious. You're, the concept of that show was basically, and I brought you a bottle of wine, you'd chuck a bottle of wine before you start going off on a tangent, right? Yeah. And you just talk about whatever you want.

Yes. Do you feel more like you after you drink a bottle of wine, or do you feel a little more like, I feel like right now I'm talking in, you feel you're good, you're articulate, you're fun. But I guarantee if you drink that bottle, it'd be off the shit roll. I was just telling someone. that dinner. I think my greatest skill is how coherent I am while I'm drunk. I could walk that straight line. I could touch my nose. I can sing the alphabet backwards. Could you get pulled over by a cop and still not go to jail? I don't know about that, but I can hold it pretty well. When did you

come up with that? So I was at BuzzFeed for a couple years. Right after college, right? Yeah, yeah. As just a writer. As like a comedy writer, I wrote a lot of like, you know, the standard BuzzFeed. lists and quizzes. Did you get paid well at BuzzFeed? Are they payers? I worked my way up. I was an intern. The way you looked at me like was like, I did not get paid well.

When I first started, I was just an intern. I was like, there were maybe a hundred people who worked at BuzzFeed, period. I made like $10 an hour in New York City. How did you do it? For like six months. You had to be doing something on the side. Well, I lucked out. I was able to.

I lived in an apartment with the roommate, our rent was pretty cheap, so I was able to do it for six months. And then I got hired full time and didn't make much money, but made a little bit more than $10 an hour. And then slowly, but surely, it accumulated. And you started thinking about this new show, this wine about it thing? Well, yeah, like a couple years in, BuzzFeed started doing a lot more video content, and mostly here in L.A., And I was out in New York, and I was, I was jealous of all of my friends in L.A. who got to be on camera. And I was like, we could do.

You really wanted to be on camera. I liked that, yeah. You do. You enjoy being on camera. I liked the attention that you can get on camera. So we came up with the concept, me and a couple other people, for like, let's get drunk. I had a feeling you were drunk when you came up with those. Yeah, yeah.

Somebody was like, oh, my God, Matt, you're so fucking funny when you're drunk. clearly there was a lot of alcohol consumed before the concept came up and then we had it Are you an alcoholic? No. And my proof is that I have a pretty good stock

of alcohol in my apartment and I no longer will just like drink by myself and there are times where I go out and I'm like, I don't have to drink tonight. You said you no longer drink by yourself. Did anybody catch that, Rob? Yeah, you no longer drink by yourself.

There was a time when you drank by yourself? well yeah like i have like a glass of wine a dinner time or like for breakfast you know just like play around now were you what were you like as a kid because you're pretty obviously you're very funny you're you know you're this comedic writer you got all these talents but i mean did you have a tough childhood because it seems like you're so self-deprecating yourself and that probably stems from some shit that went on back that uh i didn't have a tough childhood

No. I mean, I was... Were you beaten as a child? My thing is that I say I was loved too much as a child and now I'm fucked up because of it. Is that true? Because, like, my mom would not let me do anything because I was, like, her precious baby. And now I, like, don't know how to do anything. It's amazing that I am able to.

Did she teach you how to cook? No, not really. What did she teach you anything? I was expected to just, like, a no. how to cook. Really? Yeah. You're just expected to know how to cook? Because we're like Italian. Like it's an Italian family I come from. So, yeah, they were just like, oh, you don't fucking know how to make lasagna. You just are

expected to know this shit. Was she a big wine drinker? No. My mom has like had, I've seen my mom drink like twice. Okay. So when she saw you do these shows where you drink a bottle of wine, was she like, what the fuck are you doing? Not that she has an Italian accent, but what did she? No, we're Chef Boy, R.D. Italians. Are you, Chef Boy, Olive Garden? Yeah. I love the Olive Garden. Sure.

I love the Olive Garden. It's just not, it's like, it's like Disneyland, but Italy. I think it is. And you can get the tour of Italy when you're there. Yeah. I think by the time that my parents realized that I was, like, making videos, they had been successful enough where it didn't matter that I was, like, debasing myself because it was popular. Right.

So my dad found out because. His co-workers were like, are you related to this person? He's funny. And he was like... And he's also MC Hammered. And yeah. And he was like, oh, yeah, that's my son. Rob, have you seen these videos?

My wife watches them. Yeah, it's more popular with women than men. Really? Generally. What are you saying? Because I like them. Great. You are the 10%.

Do you edit them yourself? Yeah. So you get drunk. You put the kids. You do it by yourself. Is there anyone around you? Well, so when I did it... Yeah, you don't do it anymore.

Now I do... I call it, to be honest, and I film it out of my apartment. Right. And it's with... I just hired a couple producers because it was weird to just be by myself in my apartment, getting drunk. Barry is not that person, no. I think it'd be kind of fun to do it with you. Yeah.

Would you ever have a guest? Like me as a guest. Yeah. I could just get on and we could just come. kind of talk shit and drink and I mean my podcast is sort of that like that interviewee version of it where it's like we I have a guest and we complain about shit and I like hearing people complain about stuff right because like I yeah sometimes you just want to like vent I mean you're pretty much are you a complainer I mean that's sort of portrayed as like sort of guy

who's just like talking about shit like I you know the thing about the grocery store where it's like why can't they just have three things at the grocery store prophylactics uh slowly churned ice cream and uh beer alcohol or something right right right i mean do you always think this is how you think when you go places yeah i'm generally pretty pessimistic i i can i find the whatever the opposite of the silver lining is i i find the cloud inside the silver lining do you go to therapy yes you do yeah and what do you talk about to your therapist everybody in new york goes to therapy do you cry in front of your therapist i've asked people this before like I've cried maybe once.

No, I never have. My problem now is that, like, I treat her like a test audience for, like, material. So she's not even a real therapist. You just, if you can get her to laugh. That's the problem I'm like, I just want her to, like, think I'm funny. Isn't that fucked up? Yes, it is. There's been moments like that with my therapist where I'm just like, you know, you're in the room and you're like, why am I trying to impress my, this is my therapy?

I don't want to impress. I want her to help me. I'm also, like, not convinced that she's a real therapist. I also, like, Venmo her every week. Yeah, I don't know if that's good. I mean, why not? It's a payment. It technically is, but it just feels not official.

Like, you want to write a check? Right. Or a credit card. Yeah. Rob, you have a therapist? I don't. Rob's 29 has a kid, wife. 30.

And he's never been in a therapy, right? I mean, when I was younger. When you were a child, your parents thought you had. They thought I was depressed Angry And not angry, no Not angry, just depressed? Yeah

Do you remember going to those therapy sessions Were you nervous? Well, my little brother was already in therapy What was he in therapy for? ADHD and he was crazy Now when you see, do you think I have any ADHD? You do He was little like off the walls though

Because he was little and couldn't control it at all So like in the morning He'd just be running around the house Like banging on pots and pans and oh my god yeah that kind of stuff yeah that one an asshole no not his fault did did you put him on any medication yeah they put on medication and you could tell the difference between one you know there's a lot of people think that you shouldn't be you know put you know they don't believe in medicating children yeah well yeah well i mean true tell me about your thoughts

on that i've it's like having the flu like take medicine for it and you'll be better yeah but if you just let it go you'll probably get over it no That's the difference, isn't it? That's the difference. That's what people don't understand. Yeah. Yeah. I think my brother had that.

He used to throw, you know, pool balls at me. Then do you think he had ADHD because of that? He used to throw shit at me when he got angry. I think he just had anger issues. Yeah, or he's just an asshole. That's a very heavy ball to be. Oh, he almost called me a few times. I almost choked him out a couple times, too.

It was a very, yeah. Healthy relationship. It wasn't. He was younger and he was the favorite. My mom once said in front of my parents, she said, Oh, Mark, to my dad, everyone knows Eric's your favorite right in front of me. That's something that sticks with you. I always know that my brother was my dad's favorite.

No, my parents have never said it. You just think they believe that? How many brothers and sisters do you have? I have one older brother. And you think they love him more? No, I think they will forever maintain that they don't have a favorite. Who's more successful? I don't want to say that.

I mean, me. right i love my brother he uh what does he does he does his own thing he's been he's like if he could he's like a gamer he's gamer gamers can make a lot of money but he doesn't make any money off of it okay well uh so he but that's like his his hobby he's like leaned into it right and i probably would be i like refuse to let myself buy any gaming console because i know i'll truly never leave my apartment. Do you have an addictive personality? Absolutely. Yeah. Really? Do you do drugs? I smoke every so often. I mean, if someone gave you a bag of Coke at 8 o'clock on a Saturday night. No, because I'm convinced that, well, yeah, A, I would, like, I would die that night. I'm, like, fully convinced that if I do anything harder than, like, Coke?

Vodka. Oh, vodka. That my heart will literally explode. So you have that fear. Like, I have that fear, too. Like, my friends are like, hey, we're going to microdose. You know what? micro dosing is. Yeah. What is it? Where you like take a little bit of like LSD everything? Well, but this was with mushrooms. Okay. Rob, have you done mushrooms?

Nope. Or you just take like a tiny, tiny bit. Have you done mushrooms? No. See, I'm a control freak and I feel like you feel, whereas like I'm going to have the bad trip. I'm going to eat the wrong mushroom out of the bunch and something's going to happen. My heart's going to explode or I'm going to go to the hospital or I'm not going to

think rationally or people are going to see, I'm going to have another personality. and I just feared that. So I'm sort of a control freak with that stuff. I, like, just started really experimenting with, like, weed. Because I was so, like, I didn't really drink until I was, like, 20, 21. Really? And then I just went hard. Then I was, like, I just went from being, like, sober to, like, full alcoholic.

And then, uh... Oh, so you got to, you were an alcoholic. No, no, no. I shouldn't be flippant. Uh, I went from sober to, like, drinking. an entire bottle of wine at noon for a comedy. Right. And then, but I was like, I'd never been a, I'd never been, uh, high just by itself.

I'd always been like, drunk and then like, would smoke a little bit. So I had never isolated the feeling of being high. And then there was an episode of my podcast that we did where I like got high for the first time and we went to Harry Potter Worlds. And, uh, at like 10 a.m. And I took like a bunch of gummies. three or four of... Do I have to hear this?

You should. Are you out of your mind? There's one moment where I like realize I'm high and it's... Was it scary? It was just like confused. Well, then I started laughing uncontrollably and the scariest thought I had was like, what if I can't stop laughing? And this is how I die.

Like I can't... I die from laughter. Yeah. Here lies Matt Belisai. It truly felt like I would never stop laughing. Like that's what my... My brain was like, this is how I died. That is a great feeling to not, just, you can't control your laughter.

You're just enjoying yourself so much. Yeah, that's my, yeah, that's my, like, favorite feeling. Yeah, Rob doesn't do that. I don't see you laugh very often. No, the last time that happened was at my grandma's funeral. Oh, my God. Jeez, somebody just went fucking Darth on us. My brother, like, tripped going up.

Oh, you're serious? Yeah. You were, you, I thought he was making a dumb joke. No, no, no. You really laughed. My brother was going up for the reading and tripped and then was fumbling over all the words in the reading, so my wife and I just couldn't keep it together. Did you have to leave the room? No, we don't have to leave.

Wait, you're sitting there hysterically laughing, and your grandma's lying in a coffin dead while your brother's... The cask was close at that point, but her sister was sitting behind us. And she saw you laughing? She was really old, too, so I don't know if she knew it was going on. Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's kind of fuck, dude. I thought you said it was really hard when you lost your grandma. You cry. No, that was my

grandpa. I mean, it was... Obviously, you didn't give your shit about your grandmother. This was just another moment of the funeral. There's something about like when you're not supposed to laugh and then you start and it's like, now I really can't stop. Yeah, I'm just trying to justify your

shitty behavior. Yeah, I am too. I'm trying to figure that out. Now, you say you had like a pretty decent childhood so your parents weren't like overwhelming or overbearing. or you know we expect these things out of you and what's your issue buddy no no i mean i was always like an overachiever yeah like honor student yeah ap student yeah because i read about that you were like uh you won all these awards is that true like uh was that what would you just make

that insect identifying champion yeah i saw that that was that's real insect identifying champion so can you to this day identify most insects no no no it was like like I memorized like 20 flashcards the night before and I was able to do it. You had to identify the genus and the genus of a type of bug. Do you really want to hear about? Yeah. So what the fuck is? Talk to me about genus. For instance, a bee. Fuck. I forgot. I forgot. I remember lepidoptera is a butteris. Kolioptera is beetles. That's it. That's all I remember. Did you drink a bottle of wine

before you learned all this shit. Yeah. I was like 12 years old, but I won and I won a gift card to the Olive Garden. Is that true? That was my prize. That was your prize. A ribbon and that's,

I mean, it was a science competition held up the community college and the south side of Chicago, the south suburbs of Chicago. So, yeah, the prize was an Olive Garden gift card. Inside of you is brought to you by Rocket Money.

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Did you, were you dating or were you just? No. Do you think I, do you think I dated someone while I was winning insect-identifying competition? That just didn't exist. Well, no. I mean, I'm a homosexual, so I was not really out until, like, in college. So I didn't date anybody. When was that moment where you felt comfortable where it's like, you know what, fuck it?

In college, it wasn't until college. And did your mom or did your parents know? When did they know? When did you have to make that call? I came out to my parents first because I was like, I feel like I owe it to them to tell them first. I think they would be hurt if I told other people first. So you told them both sitting down? Well, I told my mom first.

And then we didn't tell my dad for a while. Yeah, let's not tell dad for a minute. You know, the Super Bowl's coming up. We'll work up to that. But he was fine. What was your mother's reaction? Do you remember her face when you said this? Was she shocked or like, oh, yeah, we knew that.

She says that she was shocked. It should not have been a shock because, like, my favorite TV show is, like, glee. If I'm making us watch Rob loves Glee I've never seen Glee You've never seen Glee? No It's on Netflix

You're homophobic Rob I don't think that Lines up No It does actually It really does Thank you Matt Yeah

Yeah I mean Rachel Barry is the theater geek At this high school And she joins a Glee club And I'll keep going They sing Don't Stop Believe in And Rob you get it

He knows what Glee is In fact, Jane Lynch lives down the street. No shit. She lives like a couple houses away from me. I love Jane Lynch. Isn't she amazing? She, I just heard that the lesbian Illuminati is very strong in L.A. Yes.

And I'm sure she's like on the board of governors. Right? Yeah. She also looks like she can kick somebody's ass. Like, I wouldn't fuck with Jane Lynch, right, Barry? Yeah, you don't want to fuck with Jane Lange. My favorite, I think I identify most with, did you watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I watched the first couple episodes. Fantastic show. So Jane Lynch is in it.

Oh, I didn't see. I didn't get to that part. It's sort of later. But she's, she plays a stand-up comic who is like a, like, blue collar makes all these jokes about being like a, you know, every woman. But in actuality, she is like, she lives in a mansion with a butler and servants. And that's how, that's what I want to be. I want to be like, I'll get on stage and like take a shit. But then I go home and like a Butler, like, puts me to bed. Do you really want that? Do you want to be as rich as possible? I, only because I've been watching Downton Abbey, and I'm like, I want, you have to keep the local economy alive. You're providing jobs for the townspeople.

Do you want people, do you want Barry to drive you around? You want a driver every day? It picks you up, like, Arthur. There was one podcast that I was on, and Barry was there, and she, like, poured my water, and the hosts were like, are you fucking kidding me? You can't pour your own water. I didn't ask for it. Do you have an assistant? No. Do you want one? I never felt the need for one.

If anything, the only reason that I would need one is because I am terrible at being my own boss and I need someone to like keep me accountable. Hmm. I nap almost all the time. Do you think that's depression? Yes. I think so too. And I've been napping more and more. And the more I nap and the longer the naps are, I feel like I got to be, there's got to be some depression.

issue here. Yeah. But here's the reality. I just feel really tired. That's also depression. Yeah. No, I mean, is it, is it? Rob? Do I have depression? Sounds like it. Well, I nap during the day and I thought that was just because I'm 46 and people nap and like, but look, I get a little anxiety. I get a little bit, you know, I talk about that a lot on the show, but I do nap and people say, well, you should check to see if you're depressed. Yeah. You should. Well, what time do you nap, Matt? Um, I just started, like, setting an alarm in the morning on my phone, but having my phone outside of my room. So I have to actually, like, get up and go, turn it off. Because I used to, like, snooze for, like, two hours. Oh, yeah. I'd hit the snooze button, like, 20 times. I kind of do that. Like, this morning, I woke up at 8 and then I found myself still in bed at 9.20. Yeah. So I was like, no, I need to get up and go. And then I felt better about, like, okay, now we got an extra hour or so in the morning. I could take, like, an hour and

nap at like three o'clock and feel like it's not just depression it's genuinely me like re-energizing right i mean do you think that you kind of do you ever feel like you go through the motions of life like oh i have a meeting at two but you know i'm going to go and pretend i'm having fun like this podcast for instance yeah you're here you're here this is all fake you're not actually having fun in your head you're going through the motions of this you're like i just want to go back home a nap. Is it that kind of depression? Yeah. So you agree that this is boring.

This is not to show you. No, but like. It's just that there's nothing that I've ever agreed to that I, I wouldn't like be happy to just still stay home. Almost everything. You'd like to, even like your own show as much as you love doing it. You're like, you know, I'd rather sleep. And being in bed is like the ideal. Have you talked to your therapist about this? Yes. And have you Venmoed her?

I, I venmoed her. my co-pay yes yeah do you tell her this like i i feel like this oh are you on something like lexapro or something that helps you well the problem is the medicine that i do take i've been taking for like 10 years and she's like i don't know anybody who takes that anymore because it's not a drug that people use anymore like zoloft or something right and it's like some of the side effects are like you feel lethargic and and so she's like okay so 10 years you've been lethargic maybe you shouldn't be on this drug Rob?

Yeah, it sounds like... You're not hysterics. Don't fucking get into this. So we're like, maybe we should take one that doesn't make you feel like you're like a slime ball, just like sliding down a sticky surface. Are you going to listen to this? And what insects would that be? I don't know. We'll see.

Maybe I'll just take a cocktail. That's what I do love when you take more than like three medicines, they call it a cocktail. Really? They make it sound fun and exciting. But it's not. It's probably not a good idea. No, it's just a bunch of pills. Have you never heard of a cocktail?

Well, a cocktail when you take like a percassette, some vodka, and smoke a joint. Is that a cocktail? I guess so. I mean, it's a recipe for disaster. It's a recipe for disaster. Ups and downs. Ups and downs. So, okay, now I've learned something that me napping could be some depression.

Because I don't know if I'm doing enough to be tired. You could be oversleeping, too. That's a thing. Is that true? It makes you, based on when you're like sleep cycle, when you're waking up. How many hours should I have? What is it, like eight or nine a night? Right.

It's the acceptable amount. Anything more than that. Yeah. But for you, it could be 13, 14 hours of sleep. Yeah. Barry, do you worry about him? A little. A little?

He keeps the creativity going on now. Well, that's the thing. You're so creative. You're so funny. You get all these shows, all these things you're doing. It's one thing after you. another do you do stand up uh-huh do you do stand-up a lot i had really never done stand-up until a few years ago when i started making videos and then i was like this could translate very well

to the stage because it is it is just like each video is sort of like a five-minute bit right that could translate and so uh i started my team my like agent was like do you want to get up and do a stand-up show And I was like, fine, we'll give it a shot. And they booked me on, at this club on Long Island, where they were like, if you fucking suck, nobody'll know because it's Long Island. And I did like 90 minutes and everybody loved it. 90? Yeah.

Because I was like so ner. I just like kept going. And the like Italian guy who ran the club was like, you're doing great up there. We're just going to let you keep going. And I was like, all right. And so I did 90 minutes the first time I did it. And it went well. Oh, I'm shocked because, listen, I tried stand-up comedy last year.

And I liked it. I was working my way up. You get five minutes. And you do eight. And you do ten. And you do 50. And I got my way up to 20. I just started with 90 minutes.

I had 25 minutes headlining at this one place. And I was like, hey, I'm going, I'm doing well. This is, you know, but I cannot even imagine my first time on stage doing stand-up for 90 minutes. What was it all memorized? It was all just off the top of your head. And how did you feel that comfortable to do something like that? I mean, the good thing was because I had an audience of people who liked my videos, I had a good crowd that came out, and they were excited about me already. Were you nervous?

I was nervous the first time, and then I drank a lot of wine. That night. Yeah, yeah. And also, the very first show that I did was on St. Patrick's Day, at a club on Long Island. So people were shit-faced. Yeah, someone vomited in the front row. on your first night performing. And I had no idea because I was so, like, in it that I didn't realize someone had grown up and throw out, yeah.

It was in the vomit that I didn't even realize. I thought it was just the smell of this place. And I had no idea that I was, yeah, was in the vicinity of just pure bio. 90 minutes. That's unbelievable, Rob. Yeah, 90 minutes. I mean, I just can't imagine going on stage for 90 minutes. And you didn't take a Xanax.

You didn't take a propanol. You didn't take stage fright medication. You just drink a couple glasses of wine. and some whiskey, and yeah, there was a lot of alcohol involved and, like, a good crowd. I think about, I mean, I think constantly about how, like, other comedians fucking hate that. Because, like, you, the mark of a true comedian is that you be sober. Well, that. But also, like, you can get up in front of a cold crowd who has no idea who you are and, like, by the end of it, have them standing on their feet.

I, like, had a pretty warm crowd already because they, people who knew my stuff and, like, came out to have a good time. And how many times you've been on stage since then? Um, I don't know, a hundred. A hundred. Yeah. Hundreds. Uh, maybe, yeah, not hundreds. Well, what about a special?

What about a special? That's, yeah. I think you should be doing a special now. I would love one. How much would it cost if I'll rent a place out. It costs me a 5,000. I'll produce it with Barry. We'll rock it out

I'll open for you Yeah We'll do a Netflix special We'll sell this fucker I do want to I've heard some people say that You're funnier by the way I'm going to cut you off here

I've watched some fucking shows up here There's a couple of guys That I've seen people in general And I'm watching it And I don't want to put it down Any standard comedies It's a very hard It's art

It's a difficult thing to do To be good at It takes amazing courage I know this firsthand It's scarier than shit um hardest thing in the business to do but but i've seen some people who get up there and have netflix specials and i'm like i honestly i i can't believe they have a special i can't believe this is not special they give out netflix specials like what are they doing like netflix is just

saying yeah sure yeah yeah rob get up tell us about your grandma dying and the your brother stripping up giving a speech fuck that's a netflix special yeah grandma's dead the biggest thing is like I've been thinking constantly about all of the shit that happened at Just for Laughs. I don't know if you are familiar. No, tell me. Just for Laughs, Montreal is like the biggest comedy festival in the world. With Chris Red? I don't know about that.

Oh, there was, he got in a fight with some YouTube guy. Yeah, yeah. So there's a YouTuber, I guess, who I've never seen named Southern Mama. That's like his character. And he at... Southern Mama. I love it. He was one of the, like, 10.

comedians to watch, like, variety, pick these ten, and they had this whole lineup. And he just like, bombed, but then, like, took it out on everybody else. It was, like, he was the only comedian up there who's not, like, he was just like a straight white dude. And he felt like he, he made some comment that, like, oh, comedy shouldn't be about, like, race and gender. Yeah, he was shit talking the other comics on the show. Yeah, and shit talking how, like, the other comics were focused on that but like the problem was he just wasn't funny right like do your thing but be fucking funny or take it you fucking bombed and that's it yeah take the l and just like go up next time and do better so that's it's like you get a special like be funny that's like

be funny yeah that's number one so you want a special one day yeah i think you should have a special if you can go up 90 minutes in your first fucking time i think you're right to there well that's like i mean there's some editing involved in that sure the question is do you have to be drunk to do it how many out of your hundreds of shows have you had a couple cocktails uh i drink i usually drink at like you know i'll have a cocktail at most but i don't have to like i performed at a lot of colleges and you're not allowed to be drunk yeah but you can bring a flask i could there was one particularly bad uh overall it was fine but i learned later I was performing at this college.

I don't even remember which one. And I know like beforehand someone will like send a list of like here's what I need. Like I need like a screen and like a stool on stage and like my like rider quote unquote. It's not that fancy. There might be like a fruit plate also on it.

And but I usually ask for like a glass of like a wine glass and like a bottle of Merlot or something like that. And the college, usually a college will say, no, we can't have alcohol on stage. They might follow up like once more and say, can we please have wine? And the college will say no, and that's all right. And then I'll perform sober. But this college thought that because someone on my team like followed up that I was upset that I couldn't drink. And they gave you a bottle of wine.

No, beforehand, like five minutes before I was supposed to go on stage, they were like, like, they came up to me backstage and were like, I'm, we're so sorry about the whole, like, wine situation. I had no idea. They were like, and you were embarrassed, weren't you? Well, they were like, we're so sorry about this wine situation. Um, but we had a student die like two weeks ago because of drinking. And I was like, why the fuck did you just tell me that five minutes before I'm supposed to go on? I didn't say any of this. I was like, oh, no. I'm so sorry also but also like you booked me who is like a drunk comedian and now I'm I have to like tiptoe around the fact that like yeah it was very uncomfortable was it a bad night um I did

because my fucked up brain is like when something is awkward you you you call attention to it address it and that was not a good idea so you had let me guess You went out there and said, I asked for a bottle of wine. I didn't know somebody died two weeks ago. Boo. No, no. It wasn't even that. There's a whole bit that I do about the three times that I've thrown up from drinking.

It's only been three times, which I'm very proud of. Let's hear it. I mean, I won't do all of them. But they've all been disasters. The whole thing, the whole thing is like, I hate throwing up. And so whenever I get drunk to that point, I always deny that it's about to happen. so I've never prepared for it. It's always been like a complete disaster.

I've never made it to the bathroom. It's always been like in bed on someone's cat. Like it's always, so I tell all of those stories. But after I felt so guilty about being like, here it's all the times I like binge drink. So at the end of it, I was like, sorry, I know this is like a sensitive topic. That's all I said. And the entire audience was like,

and I was like oh fuck saying that just made it way worse didn't it and everyone was like yep and then we immediately moved on and it was fine it wasn't like I lost everybody but afterward the most guilt I felt was afterwards the like

faculty advisor the one who told me about the incident just like came backstage and just like the look on her face was just like you piece of shit really I could tell her thought was probably like, why did I tell

him that? Like, she could have just not, and it would have been fine. It's not like I joke, like, it's not like there's a joke in my set about, like, someone dying. Right. Did you do a lot of theater at Northwestern? No, I never performed, really. You never performed.

Did you ever take acting classes? No. Did you ever take Groundlings courses? I was in, like, a middle school musical. So you're just a naturally funny guy who's got a lot on his mind who just sort of pontificates about the world and all the shit that's going down. I guess so. And that's just become successful for you.

You're just natural at it. You don't need any help. You don't need Barry coming over saying, hey, you just get on stage and you have this confidence. There's no sort of, like, I know I still get anxiety. I got anxiety. I went to a meeting on Showtime for this project and the director. There's no reason to get nervous. There's no reason for anxiety.

No, I didn't have to read. They just wanted to meet me for this project. project and it's going great and at the end i don't know for some reason my face started to blush and i was like can they see my red face and my santa claus right now are they looking what and i started in my head i was like oh my god i'm like the director's talking she's like oh my god am i getting anxiety tag oh no and i got through it and she goes michael do you have any other questions or anything and i go no no i'm uh i'm good and i left and the whole day i was thinking I bet they think I had an anxiety attack

And I kind of tried to go over through it And then also my agent goes They're really interested They just called they really loved you And everything's great I go They didn't notice my blushed face What? Never mind

Yeah they didn't notice at all Most people don't know it It's like how you can control But like when I think of this I'm like I'm getting a little anxiety about certain things And you don't do you not get anxiety? Yeah

Oh yeah Like everything else Just has nothing to do With the fact that like Every time I get up on stage, I'm, like, prepared to shit myself. Like, I'm still very nervous, but I do. I still do it. How old are you?

You're born in 1990. 28. Yeah, just turned 28 years old. You know that you could be my son. So if I call you son for the rest of the podcast, that's crazy. Because I don't feel like I look 46. No. I feel like I like 42.

Rob. I was going to go the other way, but all right. Really? No, no. What a dick. What a dick. Well, we can't all be young. So you don't, you get nervous.

You feel like you're going to shit your pants, but you don't get it. It doesn't overwhelm you. Uh, not always. I mean, I've, like, I've had bad shows. It's not like everything is just like a bombed. Uh, yeah. There was, there was one I did. I, I went to just for lapsed Toronto, Toronto.

Toronto. Toronto. Yeah, you're not supposed to say the other one. Toronto. that's how it's spelled so I will say it but I went to that and I had my like hour but the problem when you just like come out with like 90 minutes of material is that when they ask you

if you want to do like 10 minutes you don't know what to use I don't have like a 10 minute set so they were like do you want to do 10 minutes before another comedian and I was like sure let's try it and I did not go great and I felt really bad for like it was also like the look on the comedian's face when I got off it was like here because I you're also supposed to wait for like the light to go like they shine the light you didn't I thought I missed it but it turns out time had just been going so slowly that I felt

like it had been 10 minutes but it had been like four ready the comedians like drinking beers in the back of what we're on no she was like I just remember the look on her face which is probably I mean there were also it was a very stormy night and so there weren't very many people in the audience to begin and it was a very large venue and so there were maybe like 15 people in scattered chairs so like maybe it went really well but my brain was just like I only heard one person laugh do you hold on to it do you hold on to things like yeah that happened like that happened a long time ago and I still feel it you still feel it well that's the embarrassing thing to me about that also is that JFL is in front of like, like everyone's kind of performing for one another.

Don't put letters. It's just for laughs. Some people are going JFL. The J.F.L. The J.F.L. The just for last one, that's what they call the Toronto one. I know. I know. But people listening don't know for. Like J.F.L. I'm like, J.F.L. I'm like, J.F.L. Just for. The problem with the just for is because it's most of who you're kind of performing for is like the other comedians. Right. And so I was just like, yep, she fucking hates me now. Anyway, I'll get over it. The other one that I was nervous for, I performed at this college, like, conference. So they have this conference called NACA, which is, and I don't, I'm sorry, it's another acronym. I don't know what a standard. But it's like all of these college students who book entertainers to come to their school. So they send all of the bookers, basically, to one conference, and they have like a lineup of people who perform, like a bunch of, bunch of different lineups, and I was hosting one of them. This was like a few months ago.

And they told us beforehand, they were like, your time is extremely, like, we follow a clock. There's a clock in front of you. You have your time. If you go over that, we will cut your mic and shut the curtains on you. Jesus. So they told me, like, I have 30 minutes total. I can, there were eight acts.

I was the host. They were like, you can go out and do 25 minutes right away and use the rest just to introduce everybody in between you could spread it out however you want you fuck this up that was the fine part they told that to everybody else too they were like everybody has 10 minutes if you go over we'll shut the currents on you so first i was like i'll spread it out the first couple times i went out didn't go great like i tried to tell some jokes it's 1500 college students they're not like loving attention right really into it right and uh so it was kind of awkward the third act that comes out is a magician.

He's, like, very, like, Chris Angel. There's a lot of, like, flashiness and... They love that. They all, like, came up to the... Like, they had a bunch of students, like, come up to the stage. Like, it was a concert. And his last trick was that he turned, like, a blanket into a giant parrot. The problem was he started going over his time limit.

So I'm backstage waiting to go out the minute he finishes. All the producers backstage are like, he's fucking going over, he's going over, we need to cut it, we need to cut it. Finally, they cut his mic, they turn the lights off, right as the bird takes off. Oh. He comes backstage without the bird, because the bird has landed up on top of the stage and is squawking its fucking ass off. So I have to walk outside while 1,500 students are watching this squawking bird. And your time is counting down. Yeah, and there's a clock in front of me.

You had to say something, Matt. Trust me, inside my head, I was like, I don't know what the fuck to do right now. Oh, my God. Do I only acknowledge the bird? Yes. Yes, you do. You go, you know what? They gave me 20 minutes and this bird's squawking and you know what, fuckers?

We're going to just talk about this bird for 20 minutes. Well, and these fucking idiots. I was like, I don't know. Do I pretend like it's not there and just keep going with my time? Now, how loud is it? I'm going to be the bird, right? You're talking. Go ahead.

Do your gig. It was a pretty loud. Or was it a distant? Well, there were also, like, two large screens that they were, like, they had cameras on. And I think they just, like, took the camera off me, and it was just on the bird. And all of the students were supposed to, like, go back to their seats. And, like, nobody did. They were all looking at the bird.

So it was just like six minutes of just pure chaos. And I was basically just screaming at a bird in front of 2000. You did. You started script. Yeah. I mean, there was nothing else. I was like, fuck this bird. And like, there's no, there's nothing else you could do it. Did it go well at all? I mean, it was just the nightmare.

I figured if I was there, I'd be laughing. I think this is a funny thing. It was funny. At some point, I was like, I guess I just have to tell the jokes that I came with. And so I started trying to tell other jokes. And nobody gave a shit. And I was like, all right, I guess I'll just fucking bring out the next act and just like, we're going to go on with the show, I guess.

I'm wondering what that guy did. I bet he was pissed off. What the fuck did you guys do? My birds up there. It's a $4,000 sea hawk. Well, finally, I started introducing the next act, which was like an acapella group. And I could hear on the microphone very like. then being like, Matt, no, Matt, stop.

Matt, keep stalling. And I was like, nope, I'm going for it. I'm going to keep it. And finally, someone came out and was like, we're going to have to stop. And they made all 1,500 people leave the room. And then finally they made all of us backstage leave. So it was just the magician and the bird. And then they shot it.

They shot the bird down. What? I thought there was a word for that. Oh, that's what they'd call it. They shoot the bird down. No, yeah. Somehow he got it down. And, but the good thing, I mean, it took like a half hour and then everybody came back in and then we just started where we left off.

But everybody by then was like on my side because they knew like that's all that matters. Yeah. So I was like, I won them over in the end. Right. Even though it was a very trying time. There was nothing, but it was like that was probably the most. most awkward I've ever fell on stage. Was your heart racing

where you just like, I don't know what to do. It just seems like it's just more awkward than anything. Well, especially, I never really like hosted like that before where you're kind of going up in between a bunch of acts. So just like that part of it was very nerve-wracking because I went up the first couple

of times I went up, like didn't go that well. And I was like, fuck, I still have to go up like six more times. That story. I love it. What content won't you talk about. Are there things that you just won't talk about? Do you talk about your, like, your relationships a lot? Uh, not really. I mean, I talk about like being a gay guy, but I don't like, it's more, it's more like self-deprecating. Like, I don't look like

the stereotypical gay person. And what is that? Um, it's about 200 pounds lighter. Come on. You can see the abs. Uh, so wait, are you saying? Are you saying, saying old gay guys should be ripped? Most of them are. That's not true. I have gay friends. I won't say their names, but they're not ripped at all. Well, I have neighbors that are gay.

They're not ripped. Right. Well, Jane Lynch isn't. No, that's true. Well, not her. She's gay and she's in great shape. I know. Better shape than I am.

So what are you saying that all gay people have to be just beautiful? I mean, they are beautiful. That's the stereotype. Is it, though? I think so. I mean, gay people are just people, but they're gay. Yeah, true. True. So I don't understand why you think that you shouldn't you should look a certain way like, oh, I'm heavy. So I'm not your. Right. So how do you self deprecate? I guess you just ask what you talk about. Yeah. I talk about like not going to the gym. Do you ever go to the gym? I tell the story of that I went to the gym once and I got one of the like free personal training sessions and it was just a disaster. Why? Because the guy tried to motivate me in the. the most like broie straight guy way was he straight yeah his like main thing was like

like who's the hottest girl that you know like think of her ass it was all like just this is unmotivating but i i was so scared that i just went along with it so i was like amanda like i was like i totally were you like almost like oh my guy he thinks that i'm straight this is great I was just like purely I mean my body was shutting down I mean what would it be what if he changed it up what if he knew you were gay man and he was just like oh my god imagine the guy's got the biggest hog on him he's got a nice big shiny hairless pair of balls right that's what that's what I that's what I that's what I like to think about when I like to think about when I like to when I work out is just like the dick in particular what do you what do you think about when you work out because you don't work out a lot but what is it do you think about anything like I just want to be better looking. I want to be better in shape. I want to be better. I mean, I can't remember the last time I worked out.

So what I think about when I work out is when I'll get to stop working out. That's the only thing on my mind. That's how I feel. I'm trying to motivate myself because I live in a building with a very nice gym that I've only been in when I toured the building. So recently I was like, I'm going to go and you need like a key card that I got when I moved in. And finally I went down and my key card didn't work and you gave up. That's it. I tried.

My key doesn't work. Fuck this. It's a sign from God. A key card to like a different building that I didn't know I had. So I'm working up. I got the right key card now. So you're working yourself up to work out. Right.

All the pieces are almost in place. But you're from, you're not from L.A., but you live in L.A. Can't you? I live in New York. Oh, you don't live here at all? No. Oh, well, fuck. It's here for the week.

So I was going to say you can go on so many hikes out here. No, that's even worse. Hikes are fun. You can talk to people on a hike. But that's outside. There's like wildlife. It's too hot outside. I'd like to be in air-conditioned.

There's dogs. There's like, they don't like walk coyotes. You don't see, I've never seen a rattlesnake. And like things with wings. Those are birds. And like insects, all of which I can identify. And that's a good thing.

You can identify. If something bites, you could say, hey, don't worry. That's the qualonesis, the helium, you know? Yeah. That's radis norvegetus. No, I prefer an air-conditioned room where I can control all of it. Rob, what do you think about when you work out? Because I'm taking, you don't work out very often.

I'm active, but I don't sit and lift weights, no. Rob just broke his middle finger playing softball. See, that's what you get when you try to be active. I guess so. Do you eat healthy? No. So there's no real curriculum. This is why I require naps is because...

Okay, so maybe you're not depressed. Well, I am. But I also, like, eating well and exercising is a good way to combat that in addition to, I mean, there's something I think about, like, how I feel after a nap is, like, what I should feel like after, like, I would feel better if I just worked out. Right. Or not. I feel great after a nap, too. I don't feel great after a nap, too. I don't feel great when I wake up in the morning, but I do feel better after a nap.

Yeah, sometimes. But I do eat, like, I'm convinced, like, if I move the, like, local restaurant economy would, like, fundamentally shift. Like, they rely on my business. I have been known to order, like, three out of three meals a day on multiple occasions. Really? What do you have for breakfast? If I'm feeling good, I'll get up and, like, make some. scrambled eggs, yogurt, granola, banana.

You didn't say any meat. No meat. No meat. Eggs. Okay, well, yeah. I'm not a vegetarian, but bacon is a little complicated for me. You have to, like, flip it and... Don't you have to flip eggs?

I mean, eggs just can unless you're doing sunny side up. I just like a good, like... A good scramble, just mix it up and throw it in the... So I do eggs, a yogurt, a banana, make coffee. That's if I make it myself. If I order, I'll get, like, a... breakfast sandwich and like a fruit salad are you a snacker yeah you like desserts you like the in-betweens well that's probably what gets to you if you just had your meals yeah a lot of pasta

also so you relationships you talk about like you know you were late before you really started dating right it took you a while you didn't really drink to you were 20 you had it sounds like there was even though you had a great childhood all of a sudden when you're like okay you mean you know you're gay when you're very young. You knew all these things. You just didn't tell anybody. Right. Right. It's got to be the most difficult thing, which nobody understands unless you're gay. You just don't get it. People don't understand. You don't understand being, you know, racism exactly, unless you're black, unless you're, you know, people don't understand the feeling. Right. That you have, that you have these things bottled up, that people are judging you. So college, you,

you know, in high school, it's certainly, it's definitely, it's a popularity contest, it's all these things. But you go to college, you find your way. You find people that you can relate to. You can relate to, to. And I'm guessing that's what happened. You met some people that you really trusted, that you really liked, that had the same thoughts, the same feelings. Yeah. And I mean, that's a good feeling knowing there's other people out there who you can relate to. Right. Yeah. No, I definitely like found more of my people in college. Right. Did you hang around mostly with gay people? Not really. Not in college. I think the thing that I found when I went to college was that like, unlike high school, like, everybody is choosing to be here and, like, has some, like, ambitions and, like, yeah, that is what I liked a lot more.

It was like, I feel like I related a lot more to everybody else. Whereas in high school, it was like, I liked being there, but, like, everybody else, I feel I was, like, seconds away from, like, stabbing the rest of us. Right. No, I absolutely understand. I wasn't popular at all in high school. I was the smallest kid in my high school. I didn't fit in. and um i was a jew i didn't matter i got there was some jew jokes there was you know there's not

many jews around but in newburgh indiana but they you know for the most part treated me all right i think they used to throw quarters down the hallway for my sister go get it lory go get a rosembaum go get the quarter you jew yeah i got yeah all that happened ask her i definitely got like i remember there was this one kid who threw like a dime at me and was like fuck you freshman And I was also a sophomore, and we had classes together. Did you say, uh, uh, uh, like, he clearly knew who I was. I mean, yeah, this is why I am the way that I am. Did you get picked on in high school? Mostly, no, not really, but like, if I did, it was mostly because I was like a nerd and not because I was gay.

Did anyone ever say gay things to you? No. Like, you're gay. No. Well, that's what they say. say i remember they called me rosy palms because my last name's rosenbaum and i didn't really get i got rosy palms because i guess your hand rosy palms i got called like yeah i got called names like that i don't even get that i don't either rosy palms i think most of the anxiety that i had was from like gym class oh yeah who didn't

i i fucking didn't have any puberty so i don't want people to see my hairless balls and armpits yeah and it wasn't even because i got picked on it was just like i was so bad at being physically active that i I feel so much. I get that from you now. I get that, but there's a full laugh. I know, I know, until now, I had given off the impression that I was very good at being physically accurate. Right, exactly. But now, yeah.

Now, I tell a joke about the time I accidentally threw a bat at my gym teacher. It was like a metal bat and she was not happy about it. But that's what you get when you put a little gay kid on the baseball diamond and expect him. So they didn't tell me what to do when you hit the ball. I mean, that's good. Yeah. You know what that is. They didn't tell me, like, how to let go of the bat after you hit the ball.

So I just, like, kept swinging and I threw it. And she happened to be in the way. So. Do you remember your first kiss? Yes. How old were you? I mean, it was college because I was not out. Were you scared shitless?

Yeah. What was his name? I don't want to say his name. Rick? Yes. Was it in his name Rick? Just keep guessing. John.

It was Rick. it was god no you didn't kiss it jesse it was a poster of john stamos yes did you think he's attractive i think john stamos was a little before like as a sex symbol who did you beat off to you know who what i'll tell you who i did mrs garrett who just passed r ip r ap mrs garrett i think i did talk to her that that's not there's a lot happening there yeah maybe marcia brady i think marcia brady had tried to no none of the brady bunch boys were that not gregg you don't like gregg no that was a little before yeah that's right it's way before that'd be weird the one that is like a little a little later i guess but i just saw him in person yesterday

metcalf uh jesse metcalf jessie metcalf i read that yeah because he was the gardener and desperate housewives and you jerked off to him um he was in the mix so you jerked out to many people but he was one of them did you just choose one person and that was it no But sometimes, like, I watch, you know, I don't watch porn a lot, but I'll watch the same thing. Oh, oh, he's so high and mighty. Well, I mean, so you switch it up every time. Do you ever think, you see someone, or do you have like the mind that works where you're, well, you're not at the gym, obviously, but like you're, you're like at a restaurant, Italian restaurant, eating lasagna and see some guy. And you're like, oh, my God.

And he walks by in the ass is just tight as shit. And then you go back home and you remember that from earlier. And you say, I'm going to spank to that guy. I don't, my brain doesn't work that way. How does it work? I don't know. I need to like the immediate, it needs to be like there in front of me. So what I'm saying is that at the restaurant.

It's at the restaurant. Or, yeah. Have you ever done anything weird like jerked off in a bathroom or a trailer or a closet? No, I think there was someone who wrote something about jerking off at work. And he was a coworker. Yeah, he did it at. I'm seemingly at the office that I worked at. And that, I don't like that.

Well, especially now you can't do that. Well, now I do because I work at home. So there's no other option. Do you keep the camera rolling? I am very upset about the prospect of any camera in my apartment documenting anything. You're scared? Yeah. You're scared of being exposed?

Yeah. Do you think there's a part of you that you don't want exposed, that you You're just like, that stays hidden, even though you're so self-deprecating and so open and so out there and so whatever. This is what you see is what you get. It's sort of a lie inside that there's some stuff that you just can't see. That if you saw, you'd just be fucking going, what is wrong with this Mac guy? Right, right. Yes.

Do you know the documentary Paris is burning? I do. I haven't seen it. It's all about like the ball scene. Let me explain. like the black queer like ballroom scene in New York City in like the 80s like people like queer people would come and like have dance like vogue contests like drag contests it was very like and that was like their family they would because they

they would get kicked out of the house and whatever so Paris is burning is the documentary about that scene made in like the 80th or early early 90s. And one of the figure, like one of the main characters is this drag queen named Dorian. And they filmed like at her apartment.

And it came out after she died that where they filmed behind her was a closet where she kept her dead boyfriend that she killed. That's the kind of secret. Oh my God. That was all a build up to that by the way. That I, what

I want you want that kind of secret I want to be like yeah I want to be like open and relatable but then when I die everyone is like oh my god he had a dead guy in his closet makes perfect sense do you ever think of things like God if they knew this about me they would just this would be this would be the downfall of me do you worry about what people say do you worry about what people think do you worry about your family what they have to say or to be in this business to do what you want to do to be the best you you have to sort of like let that go I I think what thing I struggle with about like being a part of this business is like it's it's taken me a while to be like oh if I want if I want to like be a comedian and make a career out of this you have to think about it as a job and it's a business and like you have to be intentional about that you can't just be like oh I'm I happen to be funny so maybe I'll like go on stage and like if it goes bad then like it's only oh well I don't really care about it it's like no you have to admit that you care about it you're intentional about it. You're intentional about it. you're actually writing shit and like hope people like it but part of that is like you have to turn off the part of your brain that's like normal you have to be insane i think a lot about how other people are receiving me and like you can't if you obsess about that you'll go crazy do you have a fear of being boring do you have a fear of being unimportant i i definitely i just like I want people to like me, so I'm constantly like, if I leave an interaction, I'm like, oh, did they like me?

And then I'm constantly like, when I'm in the midst of an interaction, it's always like, do, am I saying the right thing? Now you're hitting a place in your heart. Now, in my heart, see, this is what, this is something that I think, like, if I had to say something you need to work on, because I need to work on it, we all need to work on it. But like, that's a problem, I think. I think it's a problem when you think, oh, my God, did that person like me? Like, if you're not yourself and if you are yourself and they walk away, it should end there.

I'm working on that to let that go like, hey, yeah, maybe I said something. Did I say something? To just let something go and go, hey, fuck them. Right. That's hard. It's harder. I do think it's like that's, it's normal to think about like what other people are trying. Like, if other people are receiving you, well, I think the, I think the.

crazy part is to be successful in this business, you have to like completely turn off the part of your brain that is aware of what other people are thinking of you. And that's hard. And that like makes you insane. Because it's just like, are you insane? Yeah. I believe. Yes. I have to like, I have to accept that like sometimes people are just going to think I'm like being a diva. I just like have to turn off the part of my brain that is like self conscious about that. yes and then when i like slap uh someone who's done me wrong i can't like fred about it it's scary it's scary to think like you know everybody wants to be relevant everybody wants to be in the scene and not be lost and you know i have my agent saying hey you know your show got canceled a year ago

or whatever and you want to be relevant people will forget about you they want to go dude fuck off i love him but i'm like fuck off i think i have a propensity for doing what other people tell me to do or want me to do or think I should do my whole life. And that's why now I've been going, all right, let's take a break. You don't have to do this to be relevant. You don't have to do this. Oh, you're not out there enough. I mean, is that a fear of yours? Do you always

want to be present to you? I mean, you're still young. You're still your 28. Right. So maybe when you get to be my age, you'll start to go, oh, all right. Let's take a break here. Yeah, I mean, I've been thinking lately about, like, it should be a slow burn. Like, I think I was lucky that I had like a lucky

break at BuzzFeed and the videos that I made like got very popular very quickly and like I've been able to turn that into a career but also like most comedians it is a very slow burn and by the time you're in front of like a big audience like you've worked a lot in front of people who haven't uh you've worked a lot in front of smaller audiences and so it does scare me a little that, like, I don't have as much, like, I haven't trained enough outside of everyone's view. Now I have to, like, train in a much more public space. Right. Yeah.

And hopefully it'll go fine. Do you have you always wanted to be famous? Like, right now, if I had to ask you, would you rather be? I always used to say, like, when I'm rich and famous. It's because you always knew you're going to be rich and famous. But it was mostly a joke. also I thought I would be like a politician really you know a lot about politics

well like everyone says like Washington DC is like ugly Hollywood right that's kind of true isn't it it's true yeah I ran for student body president and I fucking lost so to who what was his name Rick some gay that he and he wasn't wasn't Rick no

but yeah this has been incredible thanks you know at first I was like you know I didn't know you. A lot of times I know the guest, but we really didn't meet. I know. All right. Tell us what you got going on now.

Well, you can find my new videos, to be honest. Those are on my Facebook page. You could follow me on all the... Well, give them the handles. At Matt Belisai. That's it. M-A-T-B-E-L-L-A-S-A-I. Unhappy Hours, my podcast.

You can listen to every week on iTunes. Are you in a relationship? no no do you want to be with myself and barry no do you want to be in relationship yeah you think it would just convolute things and and and impede you from focusing on on what you want to do no i yeah i i i do but i'm not like actively pursuing one right now that's my that's my political answer do you want to have kids get married someday yeah yeah you're like i'm 28, dude. I don't need to fucking do this. We'll see. I need to be rich enough where I can, like, grow my own children in, like, a farm somewhere. So we'll see. Elizabeth at Zizboot, best cheapest shit wine you've chugged on your show. Does it even matter? It doesn't. I used to just buy the cheapest, whatever is cheapest and has the highest alcohol content.

Joe Bauman, at Joseph J. Baumann. I find wine gives me the gassy diarrhea effect. Am I the only one, or have you suffered the same fate? No, I have. I've been all right. I think that's just his problem. Beer is the what gives me the digestive issues. At Jessica Dwyer, what's the quickest booze you've found to get drunk with? I mean, absinth?

Like, what it? Well, there's a liquor that, like, if I take a shot of tequila, I'll find myself with a buzz. Yeah. Well, I've switched recently to, now my go-to drink is just like, whiskey on the rocks because that is the lowest amount it's it's the highest alcohol that i can take just by itself so that's that's what i do uh michael rosenbaum asks how many days a week do you drink now only like maybe one one yeah that's you have no problem how many days do you get dessert like eight days a week that's the issue that's

the real issue. That's why I have a fatty liver, and it's not because of alcohol. It's because of carbs. Matt Belisai, this has been a real treat. I wish you the best. You're hilarious. Thank you. You're very talented. I hope you'll come back. Invite me in your podcast. I'd love to come visit. Yeah. If you're in New York. I would have known to, I would have loved to have had Barry join you, your producer over there. Barry seems like a lot of fun. She's fine. Yeah. She's just here to call the Uber and pour my water. Let's get you a, uh, let's get you a, uh, let's get you a a Netflix special. Let's do it. All right. Thanks for coming on.

Bye. Bye. Hi, I'm Joe Sal C. Hi, host of the stacking Benjamin's podcast. Today, we're going to talk about what if you came across $50,000. What would you do? Put it into a tax-advantaged retirement account. The mortgage. That's what we'd make a down payment on a home something nice buying a vehicle a separate bucket for this edition that we're adding $50,000 i'll buy a new podcast you'll buy new friends and we're done thanks for playing everybody we're out of here stacking benjamins follow and listen on your favorite platform