Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum - Theo Von

Episode Date: December 11, 2018

Theo Von (Stand Up Comedian, This Past Weekend Podcast) discusses having a father that’s 70 years older than him, growing up in Louisiana in the stray animal belt, and having an adult penis by the time he was 5 years old. Theo opens up about wetting the bed until he was far too old, how love ruins sex for him, and the time he gave an escort a gift card to a dermatologist. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ontario, the wait is over. The gold standard of online casinos has arrived. Golden Nugget Online Casino is live. Bringing Vegas-style excitement and a world-class gaming experience right to your fingertips. Whether you're a seasoned player or just starting, signing up is fast and simple. And in just a few clicks, you can have access to our exclusive library of the best slots and top-tier table games. Make the most of your downtime with unbeatable promotions and jackpots that can turn any mundane moment into a golden, opportunity at Golden Nugget Online Casino. Take a spin on the slots, challenge yourself at the

tables, or join a live dealer game to feel the thrill of real-time action, all from the comfort of your own devices. Why settle for less when you can go for the gold at Golden Nugget Online Casino. Gambling problem call Connects Ontario 1866531-260. 19 and over, physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See Golden Nuggett Casino.com for details. Please play responsibly. Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes.

Light the path to a brighter future with stellar lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLOR.com. And ask your family eye care professional for SLR Stellist lenses at your child's next visit. You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum. Hey folks, how are you? I'm here with Rob Hollis. People like you, Rob. I approve it.

Well, they always say I love how you pick on Rob and then he, you know, shoots back at you. We've got a great relationship. But I'll tell you one thing, it's honest, it's real. We kind of just say it. We're like brothers, aren't we? Yeah, I will say that the way we talk on the show is also how we talk to each other off the show. Yeah, we don't, we don't. Most of the time.

Like, the show is real. Like, when we talk to a guest, it's real. I try to get real. I don't want, you know, it's grounded. I ask him, whatever the fuck I feel like asking. Sometimes you're a little more of a dick on the show than in real life. Well, I don't mean to be a dick, but I think people really appreciate you on the show. I'm going to tell you, I appreciate you. And I think Theo had some fun with you today.

Theo being Theo Vaughn. Yeah, I enjoyed it, who has his own podcast, who's a up and, not only up and coming, he's there. He's, he's on the comedy circuit. I've done some stand-up comedy with him. He's put it this way, Harlem. Williams, who's one of my close friends as a big comedian, he was like, Theo Vaughn, buddy. He's a really talented comedian.

Theo's hysterical, and he's, uh, he's blowing up. Yeah, you just did his podcast this past weekend. Yeah, and it got like a million hits or some, something because he asked me about Allison Mack and that whole thing. Yeah, but I mean, don't go listen to his podcast. Listen to our podcast. Yeah, yeah, of course not. No, Theo's amazing.

You should listen to everything. But yeah, after ours ends, you can go over and listen to this podcast first. Leo Vaughn, man, you're going to really love this. It's funny other than hell. I mean, he talks about having a huge dick as a kid. Yeah, he just, remember that? At five, he had the dick of a 30-year-old man. He didn't know what to do.

And, you know, people would be like, man, what the hell is with your dick. Just, you'll check it out. Inside of you is brought to you by policy genius. Rob, life insurance is a deeply unfun topic. Yeah, you don't like thinking about dying, do you? Well, you're closer to death than you are. Yeah. My brother says that I'm closer, I'm 46, I'm closer to 92 than zero, but most people

don't want to think about this stuff, right? Yeah, but if you have life insurance, it feels great. It's a nice piece of mind. I really believe that. I think that's true, and getting that peace of mind doesn't need to be complicated, and policy geniuses, it's so easy. It's the easiest way to get life insurance. In minutes, you can compare quotes from top insurers to find the coverage you need at a price

you could afford. Yeah, it's an aggregate, or you can search for the type of money. insurance you need and it spits back a whole bunch of options. Yeah, whether you're shopping for disability insurance to protect your income, homeowners insurance, auto insurance that could help you get covered fast. If you've been intimidated or frustrated by insurance in the past, give policy genius a try. Just go to policygenious.com to get your quotes and apply in minutes. You can do the whole thing on your phone right now.

Policy genius, the easy way to compare and buy life insurance. Theo Vaughn is my guest. Let's get inside of you. It's my point of you. You're listening to Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum. Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum was not recorded in front of a live studio audience. What is it that you come on the show, and the second you're here, I start thinking I've got to talk like, yeah, bro. Yeah, do people do that all the time?

Like, all of a sudden they jump into a southern thing, and they start going on. Yeah, bro, what's up, bitch? How are you? Maybe they do. It's kind of a persona. Do you think it's all you? Do you think it's like there's some, like, you know, our buddy Harlan who thinks you're a genius, by the way. Harlan Williams.

Like, he does this whole thing, you know, hey, Pod. You know, we talked about that on your bucket. I got some peppermint. I got some fucking peppermint under my kneecaps. Yeah. Doc says I got to get him caught out. Yeah, so people think he's... Wait, do him more.

I want to be with him instead of you. Right? Yeah, should I just do that? Yeah. It's better when I'm someone else. Yeah. So I'm like, yeah, so anyway, Theo Vaughn. I mean, that's a weird fucking name to your parents own the grocery store, Vons, or Gelson's.

Oh, there's your beautiful friendship there. I know that's your wife and you want to tell me about it. No, I don't have a wife. That's my assistant, Jess. She's awesome. She kind of keeps me in line, make sure that I go to therapy. But no joke, I pulled over. There's a new company.

I pulled over and did a 15-minute session of therapy on the side of the road. Is that that one that anybody can call that's affordable? Yes. Yes, because, yeah, I'm going to start doing their stuff, too, because I think that's pretty cool. It's really cool. But I think when I was young, I didn't get enough milk, you know. Was that true? Well, yeah, my mother had small breasts, too.

And if you notice, too, and that's the type of children based on the breast size of their mother and the behaviors of children. My mother had them fucking A-coops, bro. And you thought that affected your childhood? Oh, undeniably, dude. Imagine being a baby and sucking on a small titty that barely has any milk in it, trying to get milk out of it. And imagine how that's going to leave you for the rest of your life. Like this dude obviously was raised on the fucking e-cup. Oh, Rob, definitely.

Yeah, Rob, yeah, he's happy as a clam. Look how red his face is. Oh, you can smell the 2% around his butt crack, dude. He's fucking, that guy is just fully loving it. You got Rob laughing. He doesn't laugh at a ton. Well, I can imagine he doesn't laugh at a ton. He got married very young, and his future's already set in stone, dude.

You're looking at Mount Robsmore. I'm wearing you with Michael all the time. Yeah, that's Mount Rob Schmoor right there, dude. Not Rob Schmoor? Everything he hit is set in stone, dude. You had a bit of a fucked up childhood, right? I had some dysfunction, but I hear stuff about you, and I'm thinking, this can't be true. Theo Vaughn, he can't have that rough of a childhood.

Yeah, not rough. I mean, I just think it was like just a unique environment, you know? I mean, my dad was real old when I was born. My dad was born in 1910, and my father, my grandfather was born in 1880, which is, that's crazy to me. Like, the 1910 part I get, you know, but the 1800s, it's like, you know, did they even happen? I mean, all we have is drawings of it. You don't have any facts. There's no real facts.

There's no video on that. No. But think about that. Like to us, to a, to, think about the future. They're going to start to wonder if the reality of anything before video. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Like in 200 years, they're going to be like, can you believe that's all, there's drawings?

That's hearsay. Yeah. That's a lot of hearsay. I mean, it really could be. But the thing with your dad is, if he had you at 70, about 70 years old, they say like a lot of times if a man has sex or a woman, you know, has a baby. if they have kids after a certain age, it could affect the child. Do you think that's true? Do you think having a child that's 70 years old had any effect on you psychologically?

I was a nap. I mean, I've always loved a nap. I've always loved to, I've never been a good driver. I can't see well at night. Can't turn my neck. You can't turn your neck? Not super great. Why is that?

You know, I mean, I'll look over if I hear a bird, but if there's like somebody's honking behind me, that's not in my business. You're not turning around. You're not Linda Blair in your head around to check it out. No, because, and that's all senior citizen behavior. Like, you know, like a lot of the things that I learned were senior citizen behavior. You know what I'm saying? Fall asleep at the table.

Oh, I see where we're going. You urinated my bed. But seriously, not turn my neck well. Fall asleep while I'm driving. All those things are, no joke, are things that I would see my father do and behaviors that were seemed bizarre to people and that I would exhibit not on purpose. You're a product of your own environment. You see your father acting away. He's older.

you're going to act old. I think so. You're an old soul, Theovon. Well, I mean, I, you know, I think you're going, I think no matter what you are as a kid, I think you're going to, and I didn't know all this as a kid, but when I look back, there's some things, it's like, that's kind of bizarre.

You know, it's kind of, like, when my friends would run up the stairs and I would, like, take the stair rail and be slow up the steps, you know, like, but just things that were kind of bizarre in hindsight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, makes sense. How I was worried about people dying all the time, I'm always worried about my friends dying, you know, like I would hear my dad talk to his friends about that.

And so I would always be asking my friends, like, how they're feeling, how they're doing, you know, and they didn't give a fuck. None of this is true. You don't have. What I'm telling you right now? Yeah. I swear to God, this is true. You think I'm joking? You really?

I totally think you're joking. I'm not joking at all. Really? Yeah. I mean, this is the most serious I've been in. I mean, I guess that that boy was from wherever he's from. You did that boy. Chester over here.

He broke his finger. This is Rob. Remember Mount Rob Schmore? Yeah. talked about a minute ago? Yeah, he keeps changing his name. Yeah, so look, I've listened to your podcast this past weekend with Theo Vaughn, and I've watched a lot of your shit, your stand-up, you're a funny guy, but you have like, I take it that you were someone who embraced their childhood. You look, you had some dysfunction, some crazy shit around, and you said, hey, I'm

going to make a career out of this, and obviously you didn't think about that until it started happening. You're right. I'm going to talk about what might hurt a little bit. Like, I heard stuff about, like, you've talked about this, like you had an adult penis, which you talked about openly as a young boy. Yeah. How young were you, did you have this adult penis? I had a full cock at probably five or six. Five or six.

By the way, thank you for allowing me to be inside of you, Theo Vaughn. Five years old, you remember, come on, there's no such thing. No child, no infant gets out of the womb and has a grown man's penis. You're saying by five years old you'd never make it out of a, out of a womb with a full dick. Think about that, because a full dick puts you into a vagina. So there's no way you could have a full dick and then come out with one. That'd be absolutely bizarre.

So, yeah, I agree with you. But what you can do is develop early in your cop. But that's real early. Five years. I can understand. Maybe six. I understand like 10 years old getting hair into their arms because I didn't get, I wasn't that kid. Oh, yeah.

But a full-blown penis, like a man's penis, like a big cap. Yeah. A red fireman's cap. Oh, I had 70% of my dick by the age of five. What did that do to you? It's like having almost a responsibility. It's like a weight on your body. It's at that age, it's more like a mole or like a growth because you can only use it to

pee you know it's just this it's almost like having a bees nest that piss comes out of because it's just something that's bothering you like a bees nest would bother you why did it bother you because you can't you're not having sex or anything you just have this like what's this my dick like you would turn around you know to listen or to hear something and your whole body would just fall over to the side I don't believe that I don't believe that either but see then the problem here I think is you have issues I think maybe just grasping things outside of your own concept zone. Maybe, because I just remember, like, my penis, I didn't notice it much until, like, I started to get some hair down there and then it looked like more, it looked bigger

than it used to. Yeah. See, I wish I would have had that. I wish I would have that experience. Did you have people talking about your penis? Oh, yeah. I'd have people seeing it. I'd have my buddies but fucking try to grab it with both hands and I'd have to get it back from them. Come on. Yeah. You want to take a hold of the Fiavon's penis? What would you do? Were you flashing around? Like, look at this, you little limp dick. No, I was embarrassed of it. You want to You were embarrassed of your penis. Yeah. I had a lot, a lot of shame.

And it just, yeah, because you were abnormal. I mean, it's just an abnormality. Is it true that PE teachers took pictures of your penis? Or is that just a joke? Not a lot of them, but one man did, and he actually died. He died years later, not of doing anything, you know. Pedophilia. Yeah.

Is that a word? Pedophilic. That sounds like something you would sip on, actually, at a train station. Have you always been sort of this quick, smart-ass, funny center of attention, high school? Take me back to Louisiana. Okay, well, let me think about what it was like back in Louisiana. Well, you know, I grew up in the stray animal belt, and so we had a lot of, you know, I grew up a lot of animals running around.

So if you want to picture, you know, an environment, you have to picture animals in the background, or at least the sounds of animals. You know, animals barking, cats and raccoons fighting. Theo's eyes are closed right now, by the way, as he thinks, as he's talking. Yeah, I'm catching some rest. Keep going. Cats and raccoons fighting, you know. Like one time a mailman came.

down the street with a 12-gauge shotgun and just shot everybody's fucking mailbox off the fucking post. Like, the mail's done, you know? Like, no more mail this month. Yeah, that's it, bro. Jesus Christ. Like, to fucking, he'd had it. And, but we were grateful he didn't shoot anybody, you know? That's a good thing. It was like, oh, man, you know, Mr. Peters's getting it out of his system. Mr. Peters. What happened to Mr. Peters? Oh, what happens to a lot of those people, I think, you know, a lot of them usually in fucking killing themselves, really, or just delivering themselves straight to the devil, you know, which is the irony that they deliver mail and then they just deliver themselves straight to the devil. Because a lot of people lose their mind. Is that Michael

Landon in the distance? Yeah, I got some Heaven Can Wait on Little House and the Prairie DVD sets that I refuse to give up. Yeah, you should refuse to give up. Did you love those shows? Huge Michael Landon fan. I would cry. I would cry to all those episodes. Yeah. So if I still to this day when I need a good cry, I'll turn the music on Heaven Can Wait, that's it. Oh, how would heaven? You're right. You knew what I was talking about. Yeah, well, it's crazy that I even just picked his face out. There's a two-inch picture of his face. You can't see in this room, humans, but there's a two-inch picture of his face. That's no joke, probably 11 and a half feet from me. Yeah, long hair, beautiful eyes. He's beautiful. Yeah, really great cheekbones.

Died, left us too soon, too young. Yeah, I never, you never ran across him even like when you were a baby. When did you start acting? I did like college theater and then New York, but yeah, I wasn't. I didn't get going until I was in my 20s. And Landon probably died like in the 90s or something. Yeah. Did you have a good, upbringing? Yeah, I mean, I had fun. I mean, we just kind of raised ourselves. You know, it was just an environment where there was just a lot of dysfunction. Like my mother had been raised, had been raising kind of a tragic environment and she didn't really have a lot of people that loved her, I don't think. And so, you know, she had four children. What was tragic about it?

Just that she didn't know how to love her kids, you know, and she had to work all the time because she had this old man. You know, my dad was an old man. He couldn't work, you know. I mean, he did work. You know, my dad used to be like, you know, when they first started getting people that worked at colleges that would do credit card applications for kids, you know, those things that like scam where you go sign up for a credit card and you get like a fucking Frisbee and some M&Ms or something at college. Remember that? Yep, yep. Rob doesn't. Rob doesn't remember it because he was too busy fucking his old lady and getting married when he should have been going to go to school. Exactly right. Because he's going to go back and work on dad's

combine once this all fucking doesn't pan out. That's fine. Yeah, being Michael Rosenbaum's a producer on his podcast up here in the mountains. But anyhow, so yeah, my mom had a weird environment. What were we talking about? They tell you they loved you as a kid. Was your mom like, I love you, Theo. But that wasn't your full name. Your phone name.

What was your real name? Theodore, Capitani. Von Karnatowski. That's my full name. Yeah. I'll never say that again. Yeah. I'll never be able to say that.

Well, if you say it three times, dude, an owl shows up and brings you male. Yeah. And that's when it all fucking starts. Oh, that's when it all goes to hell. Oh, that's when it all goes to hell. But did she try? I mean, she was like a, she's alive, right?

Yeah, she's a good woman. She's a hard worker. So my mom just, you know, Midwestern lady, she grew up in Wyoming, Illinois, which is in Stark County, which is down, like, just like east of the Quad Cities, kind of like heading into Iowa, sort of. She just had some tough times growing up, you know, she, her, I think she just didn't get showed a lot of affection. And so she had four kids. She didn't know how to treat them emotionally at all. You being one of them. Yes.

So she didn't give you affection. She didn't say, Theo, I love you, hold you, say I'm proud of you. You never got that stuff. well I think she tried to give it about but I think my mother didn't understand that a child wasn't an adult and so it was there was just all these very small adults and so we all you know and we just didn't have a lot of connection or home there was no family like we were just there it was like a halfway house almost we just did our own thing you know we just took responsibility very early so we're hyper aware you know I was hyper aware of everything if my dad was so old so you have to be aware you have to almost be the one you have to be the eyes and ears you know like I remember I remember being five years old on my dad's seat, he would take me driving and he couldn't turn his neck, you know, and sometimes he couldn't see the lights, the stoplights that good because he'd fucking park right under him. He'd stop right under him, which is illegal.

You're in the middle of the intersection. So then he's like, well, tell me when it turns red or green, you know? So I remember just standing on his car seat, just like looking, literally leaning out and looking up out of the front window. In the middle of the intersection. Yeah, to see if it was red or green if we should go, you know? Jesus. So just like you became really aware as a kid of things that were going.

know you seem very aware now i think that's carried on like you notice michael landin from 11 20 feet away well i could see that man from fucking 9000 feet away i knew he's here before i got here are you an emotional guy do you cry do you get you get like uh you know you seem like you're like on the outside you're kind of tough when i went to do your podcast i don't know if you're having a bad day but you're very like you look like i'm focused i got my shit together uh i've got some work to do and you don't let people get inside as much is that kind of accurate yeah i think i'm better of being a getting like more emotional i'm just by myself really So I think, yeah, when you interact with other people, you kind of, I don't know if we become different people.

I mean, isn't it bizarre how you are different people around different people? Like one of your buddies, you'll be someone, and around your mother, you'll be somebody else kind of, you know? Yeah, like, where am I my grandmother, I'm just, I'm a certain, she's like, you're the best boy in the world. There's nobody nicer than you. You're the greatest. And I'm like, I'm not really. Yeah. I'm a good guy, but I'm not that great.

Yeah. But you sort of like, you know, when you're hanging around, your friends, you put on a persona. Yeah. When you're around your family, like, do you feel like you're always doing that? Like, yeah, you feel like a guy who goes home watches some heaven can wait, highway to heaven. Yeah. And you might have a cry by yourself, but you're not going to anybody see that. No, I'm okay.

Like, I mean, I, you know, I get kind of emotional on my own podcast sometimes and I share stuff on there that's pretty emotional sometimes because, you know, my listeners do the same thing. You know, they're curious. And, you know, we kind of share some of our, like, emotional curiosities and stuff on there. I think I'm better at being emotional as I get older. I think I want to be more emotional. You know, I think it's just not something that I'm as used to in my life, you know. So it makes it harder for me to kind of drop into a place of like, you know, of comfort, you know. Have you had that where you, you know, with the girlfriends where they're like, you're not emotionally there?

I just don't feel like you're, like I don't know who you are. I can't. Yeah, I can't get to know you, people say sometimes. And does that just fire you up? It makes me mad because I feel like they do. I'm like, well, I'll share it. You know, I'll talk about anything almost. But then I realized that talking about stuff and actually being in it and feeling it and connecting with someone are two different things.

Yeah. And so now in my life I try to be, I've tried to get more into the connection side. But then this business, you become more of the performance side. So it's, you know, there's a lot going on. But, but yeah, it's, you know, but yeah, I think when I was growing up, all I wanted was to my mom to have fun. You know, she was always working, and so that's how I developed an idea, I think, of humor. It was like I would think of any way to slide humor in here. So it's like maybe things she didn't even know that we were going to do or things that she didn't even see that I could maybe, you know, my brain would just, my brain wanted her to laugh and my heart wanted her to feel good.

And so I think they were always working, you know, behind the scenes, behind even my scenes to like make her try and be happy, you know, in some way. So I think that's kind of where my sense of humor came from. Well, I think that's kind of like, you know, I feel like I do that too, where I just, I always want, sometimes I feel like, yeah, you're good at entertaining people. Well, I thought I was, I thought my gift really was just trying to make people feel better about themselves. I always felt like, man, I'm not going to get it. I just want to, that's, I, I spent too much time trying to make, you know, the guy at the counter at Burger King, have a smile. Yeah. How can I make that guy laugh?

How can I, how can I make his day better? Oh, wow. Yeah. How could I, I tend to worry about things that they're nice, but I don't always take care of myself. I'm always worrying about everybody else's happiness. Like, is Rob enjoying doing the podcast? You know, does he enjoy me? I hope he has a good time.

I don't want to let people down. I don't want to let people down. I've had a problem with that in my life where I just don't want to let people down. And people expect so much of me. Like I remember I did stand-up, you know, last year. I think I went up a few couple of times. But I remember, it was scary. But I remember the guy at the laugh factory, the head dude, just came up to me and said,

you are funny. You're great, man. You come back. You walk in here whenever you want, blah. And I just go, that's the word. worst thing somebody could have said to me yeah because now i feel like i have to be oh now i'm gonna let him down the next set i'll let him down that's there's there's some fucking psychology there i wonder where that comes from this is interesting because i was just thinking about this like you at all do you

do you do shit to yours are you hard on yourself well i feel like this like i could be with somebody that i tell them i love them we walk into a place and i'm so much like i'm i'm i'm i'll give a stranger the benefit of the doubt more than i will somebody that i trust explain like i I could meet, you know, like I could be in a relationship and having tough times, like dealing with trust and emotions and commitment issues with a girlfriend, you know, we'll run into somebody on the street and I'll give them more attention, the benefit of the doubt. More attention, the benefit of the doubt. I'll care, like, I'll be concerned with something that they need, you know.

In front of the person you're with that doesn't get that. Yeah, that doesn't get it. And then that will become a conversation later. Right. You care more about Joe on the corner. Yeah. Yeah. And so I don't know. It's funny you say some of this because I don't know where that kind of stuff comes from i'd like to know i don't know i also notice just now i'm an idiot maybe this is why i just noticed your shirt has michael landon on it i didn't even realize he was on the shirt i swear to god swear to god you didn't know you were wearing michael landon today no and i didn't notice you remember and yet you point out michael and that's kind of neat that's called a non sequitur let's go back to what you're talking about now with the girl inside of you

is brought to you by quince i love quince ryan i've told you this before i got this awesome $60 cashmere sweater, I wear it religiously. You can get all sorts of amazing, amazing clothing for such reasonable prices. Look, cooler temps are rolling in. And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last. From cashmere to denim to boots, the quality holds up and the price still blows me away. Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear nonstop, like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at just 60 bucks. Yeah, I'm going to get you one of those, I think. Oh, nice.

I like to see you in a cashmere. Maybe a different color, so we don't look like twins. Their denim is durable, and it fits right, and their real leather jackets bring that clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag. And what makes Quince different, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middlemen, so you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands. These guys are for real. They have so much great stuff there that you just have to go to Quince.

Q-U-I-N-C-E. I'm telling you, you're going to love this place. Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com slash inside of you for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash inside of you. Free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash inside of you. Inside of you is brought to you by Rocket Money.

I'm going to speak to you about something that's going to help you save money, period. It's Rocket Money. It's a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. This is just a wonderful app.

There's a lot of apps out there that really, you know, you have to do this and pay for and that. But with Rocket Money, it's they're saving you money you're getting this app to save money I don't know how many times that I've had these unwanted subscriptions that I thought I canceled or I forgot to you know the free trial ran at Ryan I know you did it that's why you got rocket money I did yeah and I also talked to a financial advisor recently and I said I had rocket money

and they said that's good this will help you keep track of your budget see see it's only we're only here the hell folks we're only trying to give you things that will help you. So Rocket Money really does that. Rocket money shows you all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you forgot about. If you see a subscription you no longer want, Rocket Money will help cancel it. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you. The app automatically scans your bills to find opportunities to save and then goes to work to get you better deals. They'll even talk to the customer service so you don't have to. Yeah, because I don't want to. Press one now if you want to. Oh, get it.

Alerts if your bills increase in price, if there's unusual activity in your accounts, if you're close to going over budget, and even when you're doing a good job, Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions. With members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features, cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Download the Rocket Money app and enter my show name inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum in the survey so they know I sent you. Don't wait. Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about them from my show inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum.

Rocket Money. Where does it come from that feeling that you need to? It's funny. Well, it seemed like you have it too, so I don't know. Where does it come from the feeling that we feel like we have to make people feel okay? you know I think for me never got it maybe well I think for me it was just you know there seemed to be unsettledness and for me it was always with yeah I think it was just my parents I wanted them to be okay you know I think my dad was getting older probably as a kid I'm only guessing a lot of this you know but I'm thinking as a kid if something's wrong in your world I know this is true if the child if something is wrong in your world no matter what it is you think it's because of you yeah because you the world is it's your world you don't you don't know that other people really really exist. I mean, you know they do, but you don't know that they have a world as well. You don't consider their world as a child. It's just everything is because of you. You know, it's a very

being a child is very self-centered, but it has to be, you know, because you have to, you have to slowly get out into the universe and see what's going on. So you have to really, you're fragile as a kid. But if something's wrong, say your dad's angry or, you know, your dad's drinking or something, you think it's because of you for some reason. Because you don't know that it's not. you why wouldn't you well dad's upset something's wrong with dad you're the only person that exists in the world really so it's like fuck it must be because of me you know so then as a kid you know you you know you carry a lot of that so i think for me it was just i want you know i saw my dad getting old and i wanted to do anything i could to make him be okay and then i saw my mom

unhappy and i want her to be okay you know and i think that that's it's probably a lot of people have dealt with the same thing well i think you know it's like when people listen to your podcast or this What I've noticed is what makes me happy. It's kind of a fucked up thing. It doesn't make me happy the people have some shit that they're dealing with. But it gives me comfort knowing there's a lot of people who deal with shit. And I can relate to it. It's almost like when you're listening, it's like they get anxiety and how does that work and how do you deal with it?

They look at sometimes celebrities or people like they're the intangibles. They don't, you know, and I've talked about this a lot, but it's nice to know that, hey, I don't, like you think everybody goes to a party. I feel so uncomfortable when I act like I'm the fucking king like I'm so comfortable man yeah give me a drink I'm great you guys want to hear my Rodney Dangerfield impression and I like oh god that guy's so funny and then I'm like oh my god I'm uncomfortable I have to almost feel like I'm compelled to do this shit right just to feel like I belong because being me isn't enough does that make sense at all yeah do you think you almost be your Theo Vaughn but if you were just Theo Vaughn like you kind of like the quiet Theo Vaughn the one that's not always making one

line are so quick funny yeah can you do that yeah i don't know if i can i mean i think there's sometimes you know i've been seeing a girl recently but what i liked about seeing her the most was um that she was really normal like not in bad ways like she just she likes like uh the batch she likes like the bachelor and is that normal is that normal pha i think it is do you but she like she would like she was she like to think of talk about her nail what nail polish color and she's a great girl and she's very you know she's extremely loving like to a point i could never be and but she you know she just taught like regular stuff was important to her you know and i and i kind of i love that i think that's one of the things that i love like was just sitting listening about you know how many different

types of nail color polish there are you liked hearing this i liked hearing it because it was so it just made me feel like just kind of regular and just part of like it made me she cared about it so I wanted to care about it no matter what it was and so it made me think this it made me learn this is how you care about people is is you caring about what they care about even if you don't you know care about it as much I'm not going to say I'm not going to tell you this but that almost gave me a tear in my eye you were just more involved in her world and her happiness and you were away from yourself for a minute yeah and that there's something beautiful about that when you can be present and you can just let things go that like you know yeah and I find myself trying to

be more present. I know it's like everybody talks about that, but it's... And you're not married or nothing, huh? And I'm not married and I start to wonder. I'm like 46. Like, fuck man. You know, I've had some long relationships, you know, long relationships. Yeah, when are you going to slow down this fuck train, dude, and pull into a port, you know? Dude, I haven't... It is not a

fuck train, my friend. I think I used to be a bit of a fuck train when I was younger, but... Yeah, I feel you. I mean, I have my fun. Yeah. But now I'm like, it's not that I don't want to have fun, but I'm definitely, I told Rob, I just want to be... I never thought you'd hear me say this. I never thought I'd whatever the fuck I say no that's okay well I'm the one listening so yeah yeah you know I'm talking about but I never thought I'd say Rob I just want to be in a relationship and every time you go I got

play ice hockey on Monday nights and if I said that to the guys they're like why it's miserable and I'm like there's something like I was in a relationship and I'm telling you it's like I mean I'm not going to talk about a specific one right but to just wake up and do something and they're there and you're your buddy and you're like it's just you don't have to worry about like oh I got to text so and so and do this No, yeah. It's all over. All that. Chasing is over. I just, I don't, do you like the chase? No, I don't do. I don't even do it that much anymore. And, you know, you've been doing it since

you're five of that horse dick. So, I mean, it's a long time. Oh, and a lot of men, too. And that's the thing you don't realize. What do you mean a lot of men? When you have a strong cock at a young age, a lot of men come lurking, you know? Oh, no. Because some of them just want to see it. They're curious, you know? It's almost like that it becomes like the local Bigfoot. You know, it's like, and people want to see it. People are driving by your house. house at night with guns and you're like what the this fuck is this about yeah this fucked you up as a child your penis fucked you up as a child oh i don't know i think what got me the most as a kid one of the things that was the most toughest for me and i remember that ran my life for probably 15 years

was that i wet the bed and i wet the bed like i'd wet the bed three or four times a night like i think how old were you i think i was scared of the dark but like even if i closed my eyes i was like scared of that so it would be like i'd just be in there pissing you know just pissing everywhere how old sleeping just probably from you know maybe three to maybe 28 29 like i mean i wet the bed you aren't 28 oh i swear bro there's nothing i could do about it there's nothing i could do about i think it made me scared to have like relationships it made me dude i'd piss at everybody's house i'd fucking piss on everything dude i'd sleep and like i remember one time like i would sleep and like pack like cover my penis with all these like sheets and wrap it around like it was the

fucking queen of sheba and just have this huge huge castle on my dick. So if I peeped, because there was no way I was going to wake up. So if I peed, I had to have something to absorb it. Or I remember one time, even, trying to balance all my penis, all these cups right up against my penis. So if I peed, it would, like, go into the cups. These aren't true stories.

Yeah, they are. How did you get over it? You know what they had? I'll tell you a couple things that happened, Raj. They had a pill that they finally came out with where if you took it, you wouldn't wet the bed. You just crammed it in your penis? No, it was a...

No, you took a pill, dude? You didn't put a pill on your penis. This is why you don't ask Rob questions. Wow, bro. Well, this is how drug use starts in the Midwest, too. It does. It does know how to use suppositories? Yep.

Wow, you're taking a fucking one of those suppositories the long way, bro. I'm taking a pee pill up your dick. Fuck, man. Man, you're on a couple aspirin right now. I can see you're kind of swollen around your midsection. Do you ever think that maybe all this happened because your mother inadvertently didn't know how to show you affection, didn't know how to help you take care of? You had nobody to turn to your dad's probably pissing himself at an old age. Yeah.

Whatever. Do you think maybe he just had nobody. to talk to. Did you ever put this all together? Like, this isn't your fault. Um, that what, like, what is in my fault? You know, you, I mean, you probably could have stopped pissing yourself younger if you had some help if somebody acknowledged it. Oh, yeah, I think I was just real scared. We lived in a scary neighborhood. And I think I was just really scared. And it was just scary. Like, I remember, it was just tiring, dude. The, the worst part was, I was so scared when I would go to sleep. I remember I would have to do all of these things to make

sure that the room was okay right i would have all of these like i would have these strings and then the last thing i would do is put it around the doorknob you know and but i have to go in the closet and a little closet and i'd have to look in the corners and then look in the top corners then i'd have to look back up above by the baseboard because it was like something in my head like somebody could be hiding there but then while i looked up there they could have snuck into these other corners you had to go back so now i'd fucking go back dude and that shit would drive me it just uh dude i had the same thing yeah i i had the same thing yeah i had And kids get scared like that.

I don't think parents realize it. A lot of kids do that. Well, my mom showed me horror movies at a young age. So, like, I was watching, you know, jaws, men make them die slowly, all these horror movies with her at eight years old. So even to this day, I have an alarm system. I have a dog. I have a bat next to my bed. Mace.

I look under my doors. I look in the back. I look at the cameras outside. I'm just like. Cameras are outside. They're outside. Yeah, but still, dog. It is Hollywood.

Yeah, well, I didn't laugh at you when you were just... You're right. I'm sorry, bro. Fuck. I can't believe what I just did that. I just listened to your whole fucking freak out session. But, you know... Yeah, I'm over there pissing on jingle bells and you're fucking...

And one thing, you put a couple of cameras up and I fucking ripped you for it. You're rinked me for a camera. But I get, you know, I have that too. I have a lot of shit from childhood. It's all from childhood. And it's how you deal with it. Yeah. It's how you deal with it.

Like, you stop my... Your text to me right before this podcast was, hey dude i gotta stop over the side of the road for some mental health real quick i'll be there in 10 minutes yeah what goes on in theo vaughn's mind that all of a sudden up the 405 or down fountain he says i need some mental help right now i'm gonna pull over what is it had to stop and shut it down man what was it you know i've been just dealing with like commit i mean my biggest thing is commitment issues you know and i find if i get in a committed situation even if it's a i'm noticing now even if it's like client management client uh that sort of thing you mean jobs yeah jobs i noticed at first

in actual relationships you know a relationship with a with a female and then i started to realize well the man where where else does my commitment issues spill over into you know and it's a lot of other places you know it's like um yeah it's like even with with uh with representation really that's more of a commitment to me um you know within the industry and i think just fear that there and not trusting, you know, tons of non-trust, signing on to a job? You're like, are they going to be, you know, are the people going to be good to me? Is my vision going to be able to be, you know, they're going to see that? Are they going to fuck it up? Are they going to let me do what I want or what I'm capable of doing? Is it fear based? There's a lot of fear. Yeah, I think

is just, are these people going to screw me? Are these people trying to, are they going to be fair? I just like being fair. Like, you know when you're fair and you know when you're not fair, I think, you know. Are you a pretty fair person? Yeah, I try to be. And if I'm ever not, I hope somebody just says it to me because I'll re I'll re figure it out right there and make it fair um well I'll tell you about fair yeah yeah on your podcast you asked me a question it was the first time I'd been asked that question really yeah it was about my co-star Allison mac oh yeah and this got a bunch of publicity I just saw something in my google earth this morning all of a sudden I saw that's crazy bro we didn't send it out to anybody I don't want you thinking we no no no I didn't

think that I was just this is just kind of a joke but I was like holy shit like 700,000 people downloaded this whole thing on that it just kind of blew up and I was like what Whoa. And of course on these things, they say shit like, you know, Michael Rosenbaum said Allison Mack wanted attention. I'm like, but that's not what I, of course, they always fuck it up. Who doesn't? We're in Los Angeles. But I just, I actually said, if you watched the interview with you, I said, look, we all want attention. She wanted attention. Actors want attention.

Allison Mack wanted attention. I was just kidding around. I was saying, fair, well, fuck, man, I gave you that now. I got to learn some dark shit. But you're already so you're sharing. You're so forthcoming in, like, your relationships and things. And I was like, well, what is it that no one knows about Thea Vaughan? Because you are an open book.

Almost everything is available about you. Is there something that's not? Um, what would be things that were interesting, I guess? I don't know, man. I mean, you know, I struggle, you know, I mean, a lot of people know I struggle with addiction. You know, I struggle with like, you know, looking at, like, escort sites on the internet and stuff when I feel bad at night. If I feel bad about myself, you know, I'll do that kind of stuff. What is that? What is that? Just like, look, you know, they used to have, you know, and I don't know if they still have them because thankfully, you know, I'm kind of getting past a lot of that in my life. But, you know, they got escorts and people selling crotch and everything on the internet. Selling crotch. Yeah, selling sex or just visitorship. And you would do that? I'd go look and I would text them and just negotiate. But you never go through with it?

There were a couple times where I had somebody came over and gave them, just gave them money. I would just get so scared. Like I was then so scared to have somebody in my world, you know, actually in the reality of it freaked me out. It's like how many people are they with? How many people are they, all of a sudden you start thinking about shit, which a lot of guys probably won't think about. But I would sort of obsess like that. Who they've been with? What's this?

I don't know. Well, just if they have a gun, like, and then. who are they one girl came over she had the biggest mole that I'd ever seen on a person and I was like wow like something you'd have probably Mount Rolls and Mount Rob Shmore Mount Robsmore like the fifth head yeah it'd be the first diverse face on Mount Rushmore would be this huge dark mole this girl had and I gave her I actually had a gift certificate to my buddy uh Dr. Will Kirby who's a certified board dermatologist and uh and so next thing you know I said I gave her the gift certificate I was cue you got to go see this guy you paid for her to go to a dermatologist i give her a gift

certificate now she used it how much was the gift certificate 150 dollars that's gonna that could remove part of them all i don't know if all of it it could remove like a little piece of like a cake piece i mean how big was it was it like uh five quarters you ever played that game trivial pursuit and they have you got to get all the little pie pieces yeah yeah the thing that those go in like a brown one yeah but the thing that those all those pieces go in you make your circle you know yeah that so like a cake yeah like a six piece cake so you ended up not sleeping with her or anything you just said uh i really nice to meet you she probably thought you were weird because you didn't want

anything now right yeah i was like this so uncomfortable and that that's back when i was using drugs man i was using cocaine a lot of times by myself at home and then i would that's when i got into that sort of behavior and it was just you know just that whatever type of behavior i mean how hard is it like were you doing alcohol and drugs at a young age i don't think so i remember climbing up one time in my brother's house they had some pornography my brother's closet they had some pornography stacked up on the shelf you know you had and this back when your pornography was in stacks it was in photos you know and so they had this um i climbed up there one time and they had a bottle of liquor and all these uh cooter magazines and so i next you know i opened up this thing a peach

uh alizay and had a couple sips of that and masturbated for the first time and i fell just blacked out and fell off that top shelf right under the ground wait a minute you were masturbating on a near shelf on the ladder when you find that you don't come down first and you don't Don't come down, go into your room, even grab the magazine, bring it to your own room. No, I was in my room. There's my brother's closet. Your brother's closet. So instead of hopping down, getting on the bed, getting comfortable, propping the magazine up, no time.

You spanked it, got drunk, blacked out. No time. I had two tips of that, Al-Azay, bro, and just like, you know, just fucking, you know, grab that, yeah, grab that adult weiner, bro. I grabbed that adult wiener with two hands like a child. My hands, I still had a child's hands. How old were you? I don't remember, bro, but I woke up a little older. I know that.

You certainly did. Did your parents ever catch you masturbating? Yeah, my mom did one time. Dude, she did. She comes in, right? I'm like, what the fuck? Right? That's what I said.

So she walks out. Then she fucking comes right back in, like five seconds later. Like, I was going to stop masturbating. Yeah, I would have actually, Theo? I didn't, right? I just kept masturbating. I would have been so disgusted that my mom walked in, but you didn't. you're like, I'm beating off.

And then you kept hammering away. Oh, it was disgusting. And you were still hammering away. So you were disgusted, but still hard. I couldn't stop. See, that's the difference when you're younger, like when you're in high school or you're in college, you could jerk off. And if something disgust you, you could keep going. Yeah.

When I'm older now, there's a smell in the room. Oh, yeah. Or if the dog farted, I'm done. Oh, yeah. If the air conditioner cuts on, I can't fuck. I can't be distracted. Yeah. Do you have that same thing?

Oh, yeah. Are you pretty good at staying erect? No, no, no. That's for children, dude. Honestly, in a weird way, bro, sober sex is for children. It's like anybody that's fucking, I'll at least be on a couple of ibuprofen. I mean, I'm sober now, but I'll be on a couple of ibuprofen or I'm not fucking. Ibe propin?

Anything, bro. That keeps your heart on? No, but I just need something in my system. You need some kind of drug. To let me know I'm part of you. You don't drink or do drugs? No. I mean, I'll take fucking nine Flintstone vitamins, bro.

I can put them in my jaw. you know what I'm saying and do a little bit of oral but I ain't yeah you got to take care of you so I don't think I've laughed this hard in the podcast Theo really no I've had some big comedians on here Harlan always makes me laugh but I've known him so many years but that's a funny I just can't imagine I be profen we keep it going with that something man yeah I feel like uh yeah I don't know man I just have trouble like the last relationship I was in like you know or this you know the you know the girl that I've been seeing a gal and We've been taking a break because, you know, I just have commitment issues. I just, when I fall in love with somebody, then I don't want to have sex with them anymore. Is that true? Yeah. And it's really a bummer.

It's because, you know, it's just because something is just, you know, something's wrong with the way that I connect, you know, with somebody that I love. So when I love someone, I think somewhere inside of me beyond, like, my, you know, beyond my levels that I'm I'm able to access easy. I think somewhere inside of me below and beyond those, they're like, I want to have like the love of a woman so much that I, um, of a mother woman, you know, that if I get a woman that I care about at all, then it, it, it, it goes to that bank first. So it's so hard to like keep it in a bank where it becomes maternal in a way. Yeah.

It's like, I love you so much that I think it's kind of, in a way, I can't. can have sex with you now. Yeah. Yeah, because then it would feel bizarre, and it's not even a choice you make. It's like, for me, it's not. And so, you know, I just still have a lot of work to do in that kind of area, you know, and it's just the hard part is wanting to do that work then because it's just a lot of fucking work, man.

It's a lot of work to go to, like, you know, go to like these types of meetings to learn about that kind of stuff and get into that type of therapy and then, like, want to adjust your behaviors and, like. It is a lot of work. Yeah. But you know what? It does work. It does work.

I mean, if you, like, I do cognitive behavioral therapy, and I was like, I don't know what the fuck that means, man. And what does that mean? It means it's like, you know, we all talk, like we say shit. And a lot of times it's negative thoughts. You go to sleep and you're like, oh, I got all this shit, man. And I got something tomorrow. And that's going to be fear. And then you go to sleep and you don't sleep that well because you're thinking of all these things.

It's about retraining your mind to actually start thinking positively about things in a different way, not like, hey, life is great. It's not like, hey, instead of doing this, like, why don't you go to bed and think about three things you're really happy. you about and try to get that image in your head of like oh my grandfather and we used to or whatever and try to think be present take an hour out of the day and say okay i'm gonna be present or take an hour out of the day to go hey these are all my problems i'm gonna take an hour to really think about all this shit that's bothering me yeah and like just starting to focus on different things and look i'm not taking control your brain more right right and i and i take a little you know a little zoloft yeah like the lowest dose of zoloft it's for anxiety which i'm gonna probably get off but

you know it's kind of trying to just embrace everything And, like, you, just what you said is just like, fucking, it's like, that's a real thing. I get that. I get that where you fall in love with someone. Do you ever look at that, Rob? Do you ever look at Natalie and go, oh, my God, now she's the mother of my child. I don't know if I could fuck her. Make love to her.

Sorry, I'm sorry. No. Wow. You don't think that. You're with Christ, brother. I can see Christ in the back of your eyes. Dude, he's milling around, dude, looking for his cross. Yeah.

I think you are. By the way, you, uh, you're a believer. You have faith. Yeah, I definitely have faith. I've heard you talk about that. Yeah, I question sometimes, like, what the, you know, feels wrong to me that somebody doesn't get into an afterlife because they're from somewhere else. Right, right. That kind of stuff, that wouldn't be fair.

It doesn't make any sense. And it wouldn't be fair to anyone. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. It's not a fair way for any sort of higher power to think or to sentence people. You don't get to go because you're, so it must be some group think. What makes you like, I mean, like, we don't have to get a religious, but what makes you think, like, it makes you have faith? what is it that you go there's a god there's something i'll tell you this and this is your your reasoning for it well you know it's so funny i had jordan peterson came on on my podcast and he

we were talking about he's talking about all the chaos in the world and he went to like you know he went to and if you don't know him he's a professor from toronto and he's a writer and he's kind of like part of this he's not part of a movement but a lot of people gravitated towards him recently because he almost like not purposely but rewrote the bible in a way where it's just he just kind of takes the things where and just says these are things you need to do to kind of stay organized as a young man because I think there's a lot of young men out there who are lacking a voice that's kind of been telling them fucking how to get their shit together, you know. So anyway, he was saying that he was talking about how he went and studied like the Holocaust and a lot of things that had badded that

had happened, you know, in that part of the world and some, you know, in the Khmer Rouge. He studied like things in Iran and stuff like that and just a lot of, a lot of places where they had like a lot of just mass killings and just just chaos just the dark like how a darkness gets into a place and something like that happens and so he but then he'd still said that like even in those places like people still loved like and found love like in like seeing a child do something or like even at the depths of darkness that there was still light yeah that there was still light and so the other day somebody called in on my podcast and they were talking about an afterlife or this or that and part of me now it's like if somebody else wants to believe in heaven then i'm willing to say you know what i believe in it too just so that they can have they can go to heaven you know like if it helps them if it helps then it takes it off on my shoulders do you know in heaven i believe in something yeah i believe it would be nice i believe fucking we showed up here dude where the fuck is this bro one of them i show yeah i fell out of a lady's body onto a fucking street in new orleans dude not

literally on a street we were indoors that we were close to a shady area where a lot of parades go by you know i was probably 90 feet from a fucking parade route you know we're talking about dirty beads and beer and a fucking puddle on the street i think if we could show up here in the middle of nowhere to say we could show up in a middle of nowhere again where there's like happy tigers and people are eating plums and shit i can fucking see that you know i think that's a good way to think about it and it's almost one thing that i do think is even closer is reincarnation seems easy to believe because now that I have proof like I have proof that this has occurred so for me to believe that this couldn't happen again that's almost that would almost be neglecting that I've existed

the first time you know like reincarnation seems very plausible Rob how do you feel about reincarnation I believe in that I'm the simulation stuff's interesting too that that that we could there could be other versions of us happening in other places yeah Joe Rogan talks about that kind of stuff all the time He's like, Theo Vaughn, there might be like nine million of you going on right now. Jesus. How do you feel about that? And I'm like, no, Joe. I want to be special.

I think for me, I have so many friends who are atheists and like, you know, they're just like, there's no God. Look at this. And sometimes we'll dabble into these conversations. Like, yeah, well, how'd it happen? I believe in the Big Bank theory. I believe it all started like that. Yeah, okay.

But what about before that? But why that? Why that? Whoa. Who's blackness? Really? Just blackness? And then light and all this?

It just seems to me. It's just, there's, for me, it's always been just a feeling. It's just a feeling I know. Yeah. I just, it's either. Oh, that's interesting. You know, you just carry around with you, just going, I know there's something bigger than us. I know there's something out there.

But think about that. Yeah, where does it come from? Why? You can believe in the Big Bank theory. Who doesn't? Yeah. I believe in it. Some religions don't.

But how the earth was created. But if you think about it, what happened before that? And how is that? You don't start something from nothing. Well, certain religions believe that. God created the earth and it wasn't the big pain. Yeah, okay. Well, I'm talking about reality.

I think, look, I believe what you want to believe. Yeah. But I just have a problem when people don't believe at all. There's no faith in anything. Yeah, that's, that's, that's, I just, it's tough for now. Yeah, that's the thing because I just, I would hate that, man. I would hate to think that you go, that there's, yeah, not having any faith. It just feels so alone to me.

Like, that just seems so alone. And then the fact that so many people have believed in God, you know, in whatever fast that they believed in them so many people have believed that then it just feels selfish to me if i if i sit there and say there is no like just be part of the fucking group you fucking moot as long as you're not trying to talk people in the shit and fucking to call them assholes because they don't believe what you believe believe believe whatever the fuck you want to believe yeah but to have you're not bringing people into a sex cult via a fucking television series that you're on you got back to that you can fucking got back to that somehow you got back

to it bro i didn't even know that was such a crazy thing right i didn't know anything I truly but you're a smart kid did you ever sense anything no no you don't think about stuff like that I mean look I had a friend who killed someone when I was in high school he was a close friend until and then we stopped being friends when he started sniffing gas and he started having sex with the girl who was mentally challenged that's when I stopped being friends of them yeah but I was I was young I was like I knew something inside me even though I wasn't a smart kid I had this insight this intuition that this is wrong what he's doing this is not only wrong but if I am a follower and part of this this is not going to end up good for me and i remember walking out

of his house we had all these friends over and they were doing stuff and sniffing gas and taking their mom's car they were gone for the weekend doing all this really dark shit and i just remember i got up i walked out the back door i acted like i was petting the dog yeah you know kind of like hey what's up hurtled their fence cut through a couple other fences walked about a mile and a half back to my house and never hung out with those kids again and I'm so glad I did because it was about two years later cover of the Evansville Courier

he killed someone look yeah I those were signs those are signs but did you ever still think he killed someone no no so when I'm on the show and I see uh you know and Allison was like I said in your interview I was like what I know was she was really sweet she was really smart she was worldly her parents were

they had money they went to the operas and you know I think now she's on a TV show and she's got her shit together. But what I did notice was, like me, like everyone, she needed attention. I needed attention. Yeah. So she looked, she found a self-help thing. And that wasn't even the same thing that it became. I could see how self-help could turn into something. It could turn anything. You're there looking for help. You were there looking for. I guess. I guess that's what they were sort of looking for. Like this is maybe, you know, what I got gathered, though, it was empowering. It was, you know, female power. It was whatever it was, was good for them. And I felt like,

hey, great. I didn't think, ooh, I thought maybe, oh, sounds a little culty because those are what, but not bad culty. Right. Not that there's a ton of good. Yeah, there's a good cult. Look, if something helps someone and it's a healthy thing and it doesn't like make them zombies or doesn't manipulate or coerce them into doing something, that's good. It's also religion. If people want to believe in something, believe. I have a friend who's a Mormon. Hey, his family's wonderful. They live in Santa Clarita. They're happy as shit. And also there's a, look, this is LA, bro. There's a fucked in probably 90 feet from here you know there's a fucking air force base in a hill right across the street do you know about that yeah and i think yeah i think jared letto has a fucking

back door through his kitchen into it one time and i went in there one time and you were there at his house yeah and absolutely blew my mind wasn't an art gallery or some shit down there dude there's a hospital down there from 1950 there you went in that yeah invited you he didn't invite me i was there meeting with a group that um he was he had this digital called vert or something for a while vyrt he had this digital group um this platform and i'm had a meeting with them and they invited you over to that place so you got to see the whole place yeah dude how big is that it's huge it's it's it's close to where i live oh it's so close bro there's a hallway that's like 300 feet long that goes into the hill and basically he just has a he has his house and it has access into

this military base now whether you're supposed to access it or not you don't know but it's like lost i mean it's one of those doors with the fucking looks like you're in the ocean like you go there if like there was a war or something. You like break into Jared Leto's home. He'll be fine. Him and anybody who knows that knows he has that will be fine. But you go to the back, there's a, there's a heliport. There's a hell of a place where a fucking helicopter can land.

It blew my... There's a huge hangar. It's insane. They have a pool? I didn't see a pool. He might have a pool. But I didn't see his house much. I saw 10% of his home and 90% of that thing.

Had it a movie theater, had chairs from the 1950s sitting there? I bet you could. I bet you could bring in. I did a movie, years ago, Urban Legend. I bet you could say, hey, man, I live literally three blocks away. I heard you have this really cool thing. I'd love to pop in sometime. I don't have his number anymore.

I had his number from 98. He's not even on Twitter, is he? Just show up at one of his concerts. He's in that band 30 seconds to Mars, too. Yeah, you like them? Yeah, he makes a lot of money probably. He's multifaceted. Yeah, he's multifaceted.

Oh, God. So, you know, you said this breakup. You know, back to that breakup with the girl. You felt like, I saw your leg shaking a little bit. I felt like you still love this girl. you like this girl but she loves me well i just said you love her yeah do you not love her you know i don't know how much i don't know if i ever really you know i think sometimes it's hard to get outside of myself sometimes to know where my heart really do you ever regret do you ever go years

later go why didn't i fucking love that girl she loved me and she was great do you ever do that like the heart on yourself like what's wrong with me why can't i do this this is a girl this could be perfect how old do you're young i'm 38 okay you're getting up there i'm an adult but you're an adult You've been an adult penis. And what about him? That's true. I've had long had this guy. He's 29 years old.

He's, I'll drink that fucking dude's blood out of his neck, boy. You know what I'm saying? That pint holder boy, I'll sip three of them right out of his fucking carotid, huh? By drinking some of Rob's blood?

I'll tap into Robb, dude. You know what I'm saying? Do you think you'll get married and have kids one day? Yeah, I think I have to. I think you'd be missing out. For me, I feel like I'd be missing out on life if I didn't get that experience.

Do you think what would you do if you had kids right now? Just probably snuggle up with them and just fucking tickle them and shit what if they start pissing themselves oh i'd be fine i've done that we could all piss in the same bed together what if they wanted to search the room what's called gaspacho isn't it what is gaspacho it's a cold soup yeah kind of the same make some gaspacho together a little bit of pispacho i think you'd be a good dad you do i do dude i think you would be you just seem like the ultimate family man you're just not you know it's like where's your fucking family rosenbaum uh you know grandpa's got Alzheimer's he's he's dying he's uh at

That's rough. He was my best friend. My grandma's 90, you know, how many years does a 90-year-old have left? My dad's in New York. He just turned over a new leaf and we're kind of like, we have a little more of a connection. My mother's, it's hard to connect to her. I love her for, there's a certain age you get to where you're like, you either say,

fuck you, you're out of my life or, hey, I accept you for who you are, accept me and let's move on, but let's not bullshit. I make a rule. We don't bullshit each other here. Wow. You got to tell me the truth. Don't fuck around with me. Don't lie to me.

Don't fuck with me. I can't, that's my biggest problem. life if you fucking lie to me we're done i will i'm the biggest giver there is i'll give you everything just don't fucking lie to me wow don't deceive me man why do you feel like people did deceive you or you felt like you know i felt like my parents growing up were kind of liars i couldn't really confide in them i've always had problems with like i have if you look at my core group of friends i've known him for many years that's because i there's a trust that's built i know my best friend 33 years tom tom lally Thomas edward lally and he's the kind of guy

that I've talked about this before, but he's like, I knew he needed a little money years ago. And I was like, how much money you need? He's like, I don't need your money. He wouldn't get, I go, dude, I'm going to fucking beat him. I'm going to beat you. And he finally said, I'm $15,000. And I wrote him a check.

And two months later, he sent me a check back with interest. Wow. This is the kind of guy is. You want to surround yourself with good people who bring you up, but who also tell you the truth. Yeah. It's hard to find genuinely good people who have no ulterior motives anywhere in the world whatever profession you don't you realize that people are hanging out with the yvonne because

he's so funny and he's on the rise yeah he's gonna be a big star this guy's working do you think there's people that cling on you like a fucking i don't know i don't know you do you're thinking about it now and i could see your wheels turning or do you think you have really just all your friends are really uh you know i think uh you know what's funny is man i don't even i think when you're talking about like simon rex is like my friend you know him i love simon yeah yeah like he and i become like good buddies and really like in a weird way he's a good dude yeah he's become like one of my like close friends like uh you tell everything too yeah and i just maybe because you can relate because you both gotten a lot of ass in your life simon's got all the ass i mean that guy's i think

he's fucked everybody from hillary clinton ariana grande really that guy that span of dude he is just a train with and do you think you can relate to him in some ways where you could talk to him about things and he can get it and that's why you're friends he told me like you know i thought He, one day he's just at a club and I'm leaving the club and he was just sitting in the back, you know, just watching stand up. And he's like, hey, man, you're really, really funny, man. And then, like, two days later, he, like, shared something to mine on social media. And then I reached out to him, you know, and then we just became buddies. But he, there's just something that's so genuine about him, you know.

And I just knew that it was like the first time that I just, I don't know. I think also, like, since I got sober, it's so much easier for me to notice, like, what's really going. on where before I was so stuck in my own head you know um you could see disingenuous people from a while like you you could see disingenuous but I couldn't but I didn't have any real connection with people so I didn't know how disingenuous I was being you know that's part of it right you know I was having to I was having to love solely by um action and not by any feeling so there was never any real emotion attached to what was going on everything was kind of tertiary everything was just kind of out here so if i love someone it would just be me saying i love them and i didn't know

any feelings that would go along with that you know everything was it wasn't hypothetical because it was real to me but i couldn't feel it right and so now you know uh i have more feelings to go along with things and so i swear to god but it's like i'm two years sober and i feel like i'm two years old sometimes when it comes to like emotions and like learning about that kind of stuff well you're learning about it you just pulled the fuck over right before this podcast yeah you're working on yourself that's obvious Yeah, I just want to do more, man You know, I think you're such a nice guy though, man

And I would fucking, dude Anytime around here, I'd stop by if you're home And do this podcast I didn't know where you guys were at Really? Are you close? No, I'm not close at all Because I can't, you live where I came down I live like in Westwood

So that was a lie But I come over here sometimes I'm friends with this guy, James Blake Do you know him, he's a musician I don't know James Blake He's like a British guy And he, but he sings like all these love songs Anyway, I met him

I guess I kind of met him through Simon. They're buddies. But he's like another friend that I've kind of... I did Simon and Nick Swartson show last year. Did you do an episode of that? Oh, wait. Yeah. What episode were you in? I played the guy where I was the gay guy hitting on him at a bar. Oh, yeah, dude. That was a funny show. That was fun.

Those are good guys. That show was great. They are good guys. Man, Nick texted me the other day out of the blue and just said, he saw us in Minnesota. He's like, hey, do you want me to help you promote your show there? And it was nice of them, you know? It's good people out there. And the more you're around that and you see it, and the more you then want to be good, you know? And I think that's the thing that I like the best about Simon is that he kind of inspires me to, he's so selfless in a weird way that he makes me, it makes me realize that that's where the joy in life is, is just being selfless, you know. And when you grow up in a weird environment or a place that feels uncomfortable to you, whether or not other people feel like it is or isn't, you're egotistical because you feel like you're the only person in the world that cares about you.

So of course you're going to seem self-centered because if you don't think anybody else cares, then or if you, if you. doing it for yeah but now i'm realizing that it's more about selflessness and it's it's you've always had that i think i think you've always had that it's about kind of channel and i think all of us do that but like when you were talking about you just want to make your mom laugh yeah just want to make people laugh just what hence that's why you're a fucking comedian but i think maybe always had it like wasn't i just couldn't feel it and now that i can feel it it can propel me to actually act that way more and recognize it you know what yeah also i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about dude yeah you do what don't you like about

about yourself what what is it besides what you said that if you is you hard to work with are you easy to work with are you do you demand certain things as there's something about yourself that you're like because there's certain things I'm very impatient yeah are you impatient as fuck I knew this one thing about you when I was on your podcast you weren't mean something didn't right quite work right and I could tell you just weren't happy about it yeah it just when things don't work exactly the way you want them to two even if they're a second away or 30 seconds away that feel vaughn didn't like that yeah why is that yeah i'm impatient i don't know why it's a good question do you let it go though pretty much after oh i'm the first to apologize i do know that like if

i feel like i wronged someone or something is wrong like i i feel like i i feel like i love to apologize i love that it makes me feel like a human being yeah it makes me feel like a human being that's one of my biggest pet peeves when people can't apologize things i don't like about myself though um you know probably yeah I'm definitely impatient and uh lack of commitment yeah like a commitment because at a certain point it's just scary because as you get older you're like well is it a fear of commitment because if it's a fear of it then I don't want to not enjoy certain things in my life because I have a fear you know I think that's what we all suffer from don't you suffer from that Rob don't you feel like there's some things blocking you from

being the best you could be because it's fear what do you do about that I mean you could face it and fail. He seems like a nice guy, though. He's such a nice guy. He's like coconut cream pie or not? I don't. He likes it. I like apple pie.

Oh, you definitely like apple pie. You like baseball. You like fucking Mickey Mantle, probably. Of course, Mickey Manel. Hey, what happened in Minnesota? My assistant wanted me to ask you this. Theater, light, stage seemed wrapped up in something you didn't want to talk about on your last podcast.

Oh, yeah. I just did this show there at this place called the Skyway Theater. And I'm grateful that they let us come and use the venue, but they're just to place was just a dump, you know, and it seemed like they hadn't done comedy there before. It just seemed. It threw you off. It threw me off. But here's what makes me mad.

I want to be able to put it on a good show for the people, you know? Like, because you've worked hard on the product. You want it to be. You want them to have fun. You want to. And maybe they were. And I was just upset about it. But, but yeah, I just was kind of flustered.

And then, you know, I asked, I said, well, when they leave, is there a place where we can all meet when they leave on the way out so I can take pictures and say, hey, to people and talk and and whatever. and they say yeah it's really well lit out there so we get out there and there's fucking i mean it's the worst lit place ever like so then they had to get these construction lights out there they're setting around it was just so bizarre it just made me think like like what the fuck are you doing yeah it's just not it's i felt a little bit like let's let's offer something better than this to us you know let's make at least the lights work or something more especially it's not

asked in advance but you were yeah you wear your emotions on your sleep kind of like everybody knew you were kind of pissed off like you were like hey if the other He looks pissed. Yeah. Do you feel like you were that guy? Oh, yeah, definitely. See, isn't that something when you're mad about some people like, why you're mad? I'm not mad.

And I'm fine. This is great. Yeah. Oh, well, guys always want to, and you know what? I guess in hindsight, I wish I would have just said, dude, I'm fucking pissed right now because this is what happened. You didn't say that? I think I may have said some of that, but I was just trying to facilitate, you know, because people come out to the shows that want to share a moment, you know?

You don't want to convoluted that or kind of express your negative thoughts. I'm just like, I'm going to let this go. Right, but I felt back because then I'm hurried and negative. And then I'm trying to have moments with people where they want to talk and spend time. And I love those moments, man. That's what keeps me, one of the things that keeps me going these days is just like being able to like, you know, see what's going on in the world, you know, and see how people are feeling, you know. Because some people come out and they have feelings, you know, they got people are feeling bummed out or people are feeling whatever. And I can relate to that.

And so that's why I like doing comedy now because if I can make people feel good, then that's great, you know. I just feel fortunate to have, you know, I don't want to say it like it's a gift, but I feel like I'm the one who's kind of, you know, I'm one of the many that's carrying around some of the chuckles right now. So if I can, if I can throw them out at people, then, you know. Throw some chuckles around. Hey, this has been a real treat, man. This has been a lot of fun. Me too, man. I'm glad you.

I talked a lot. No, no, no, no. This is great because this is what this is. This is more like therapy for my guests and me and Rob. You know, these are a couple of Twitter questions people ask and then, you know, I'll let you fuck off. All right. Here it is. Darren Newton.

At Darren underscore 306, Theo. If they brought back the earnest movies, would Theo be interested in playing the role of Ernest P.R.L. It's P. Whirl. And it's also... I loved him. Did you watch these movies growing up? Yeah.

What did he say? No what I mean? Air brakes. Hey, Vern. You know what I mean? Yeah, right? I think Simon Rex would be a better Ernest P. Whirl. Simon Rex looks like Ernest P. Whirl.

It's so... And we talked about this the other day. Simon would be a good earnest for a world. Would I be in earnest, dude? I think I would be like, uh, Ernest goes to what, though? Maybe Ernest goes to rehab, you know?

Or Ernest goes to like, Ernest goes to get some pussy, you know? I had 14 beers and a lot of Coke. Get me out of here! Could you imagine? That'd be fucking amazing. Hans Frella. At Hans Freller.

Does Theo ever get mistaken for original? McGiver actor Richard Dean Anderson from the 80s. That guy's in his 80s, so I hope not. But a young one, he's a handsome guy. You're a handsome dude. No, he's handsome. I wish I did. You know, I get mistaken a lot of times.

A lot of black women think I'm Patrick Swayze and I have to tell them that he's dead. You do look like a young Swayzy. That guy was hot. He had more of like a narrow nose. And then I have to break it to it. It's just a lot of black women that think this. And then I have to break it to him that he's dead. And then I have to like console them that he's dead.

I didn't know, I guess because of whoope. Goldberg in that movie Ghost, a lot of black women really love Patrick Swayze and don't know that he's dead. So now I'm like consoling constantly. Sam at Samuel Maturro, Theo's top three comedians. I like watching Joey Diaz. I love to watch, you know, to another level. He's so great. Um, uh, Bill Burr. Rodney Dangerfield. No, and then I would go, fucking, who gives the fuck? I go with, uh, Richard Pryor. Those are your top three? Yeah. Joey Diaz does something up there that I've just never seen before. It takes the crowd into this fervor that's it's kind of just, I don't know what it is.

It's raw. Yes. And it's just a feeling. It's a feeling. Uncomfortable. Fun. Yes. It's this uncomfortable fun.

It's almost like being on a roller coaster. Yeah, he is great. It almost feels like it's unpredictable. Yes. You don't know what the fuck he's going to say or do. I don't think he cares. Yes. Let me tell you what I'm going to fuck.

It's just that that attitude. Right? You like that. You like the fuck you attitude. Yeah, I just like, I think we need it. I think people, I think it's coming back quick that people are just wanting authenticity and just, just be who you are, you know. It's okay if it's wrong. You ever bomb? Yeah, I bomb sometimes. I bomb, uh, yeah, sometimes there's nights at the comedy store. Recently, it was 4th of July. I was performing 4th of July at the comedy store and it was the worst ever.

Why? Just the worst show. Do you ever blame the audience? Like, it's the audience, not me. Only, I did a Netflix special in Louisiana. it was literally the worst there were good people that were there but just that had no concept of comedy or how it works or anything did it just bum you the fuck out oh it ruined i was literally heartbroken for two years because you get one shot at that yeah and i've worked like 12 years to get that shot and then it just fucking but nowadays netflix buys everything you could do another

special yeah and nowadays it would be you know they haven't made any offer but it would be neat to figure out nowadays well what's the what's the more alternative way to do it where people are going to see it and where you're going to you know they just put out 47 specials or something like is it special anymore i mean i'm always cheering on a comedian's actors everybody i'm at that age where i'm just like hey i want everybody to succeed i think you're the same way you talk about that yeah it's nice to see people succeed but when you see specials it's like that wasn't that why why would they do that one same any good yeah yeah yeah it's a lot of watered down stuff out there you know but that's why people we have to be you know we have to choose we have to search and choose good

stuff at joseph bowman last question at joseph jay bowman i hear what is this a rosenbaumin boughman or not it's not rosenbaum it's just joseph j balman okay i hear gator erections last their entire life do you know if this holds true you know what dude i'm used to know a guy who sold raccoon penis necklaces bro at this fraternity house and uh i believe that and this was in i oh actually and um and he sold a fucking grip of them, dude. And people loved him, man. What happened? Something happened.

Oh, some girl had one on and an animal attacked her. I guess it still had that animal had a little bit of fucking marrow left in the fucking knuckles, you know? And some raccoon or something attacked that lady. And then they shut it down or something a bird tried to come down and get it off of her really heatedly. And they shut it down and they wouldn't do that anymore. You are one of the most unique fuckers I've ever met. Really? you're yeah you're you remind me of a lot some guys that i grew up with but way funnier um i grew up in

a small town in indiana yeah i love that well small town stuff needs to be represented more yeah and it's it's funny because i the more i think about it's like all the shit that happened i'm like that's that's your material right there it's all the stuff you grew up with that's the shit that you thought was stupid and embarrassing you embrace that yeah that's what obviously you do well it's just that's the real stuff it's like a lot of entertainment and i was like what the fuck is this Like, this is fun. It's kind of candy-coded, but people can't relate to this because some of this shit, they don't, it's not real. You know?

Like, I'd rather just take a swing at the real shit, I think. I don't fucking know, bro. You just got upset, scratched your head, turned off. I feel like I'm back in Minnesota. Yeah. This has been a real treat. This past weekend is your podcast. Is it every week?

Every... Yeah, it's every week, man. It's every Monday and Thursday. And we had an episode that came out. It did really good. I don't even know... Yeah. That was really a good one.

Yeah. I got to shout to I still need to share some social elements from it yeah yeah oh yeah yeah and you haven't and you also said I looked like shit which I did I pretty much wore the same thing but I walked in not knowing it was being filmed I should have done my homework now you look nice and you were you were a good sport oh and it was funny you were in the video with me and Brendan Shaw whenever they came in and were making fun of it you're drinking out of that sippy cup I had a little coffee sippy cup uh anyway you're hilarious you got other shit going on what's your handles give them your handles mine just theo von and uh

man thank you so much dude you know i think you're such a talented actor and i think you're such a nice guy and um i know you're you're doing a lot of your own stuff now and trying to figure out what that you know the next cool new thing is and i know it's going to be exciting whatever it is you know i hope so man thank you turn your mouth to god's ears that we believe in yeah thanks for allowing for me to get inside of you today uh you guys check all his stuff out he's he's one of the funniest guys there is out there that's my honest opinion and uh watch his shit you're gonna agree with me Hi, I'm Joe Sallsee. I host of the Stacking Benjamin's podcast. Today, we're going to talk about what if you came across $50,000. What would you do?

Put it into a tax-advantaged retirement account. The mortgage. That's what we do. Make a down payment on a home. Something nice. Buying a vehicle. A separate bucket for this addition that we're adding. dollars i'll buy a new podcast you'll buy new friends and we're done thanks for playing everybody we're out of here stacking benjamins follow and listen on your favorite platform