Is It Just Me? - TALKBACK TINGZ: John Laws VS. The deaf old lady 📻

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

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Talk Back Tings is where we play some really weird shit that happens on Talk Back Radio because I think it's safe to assume that our listeners don't really tune in themselves. No. But it's okay. Any good shit that happens, we'll bring it to you here. You actually source most of the content. Actually, no, I source from midnight onwards, but it's the trenches of AM radio. They're barely breathing past 12 at night.

My God. Yes, I think I've found most of them so far. But like I said, I've never had to look any further than 2SM, that one particular station in Sydney where the most random and weird shit happens. And we've done John Laws before here on the show. He's back again. I've got one from the archives today. It's an oldie but a goodie that my dad was telling me about.

So you know how most talkback listeners are ancient yes and maybe they don't have google yeah so this particular audio we're about to hear an old lady called into john laws and she'd heard an ad during the ad break on his show right and she was asking for the details right she's like oh sorry i heard that ad what was their phone number standard okay so it was an ad for a nursery, Pike's Nursery. Yeah. So firstly, how would you spell Pike's? P-Y-K-E-S.

Correct. Okay. So he had a bit of trouble passing that message on to her, but he did not give up. So strap yourself in. This goes on for a while. Okay. He was determined to get it to her.

And as you know, John Law's very little patience. Yes. But he persisted. Here it is. I'll tell get it to her. And as you know, John Law has very little patience. Yes. But he persisted. Here it is. I'll tell you what to do. Ring Pike's Nurseries. What nursery? Pike's.

Pike's. Yes. P-Y-K-E-S. P-I-A-T-M. Would you spell that again for me? P-I-A-T-m did you say no ma'am i said no i said p-y-a-y yes p-y as in yankee k as in kilo e as in echo s as in stupid pikes p-Y-K-E-S Pikes Nurseries

P-Y-A-T-I-N Will we try it again, ma'am? Righto Okay, you ready now? Have you got your pencil handy? Oh, yeah Okay, P B

No, P P, yeah As in piddle Y P-I-J Jesus, save me from this No, P P P, yeah. As in piddle. Y. P-I. Jesus, save me from this. P.

P. You've got the P there. I've got a P. That's right. And a Y. A Y as in Yankee. That's right. Okay.

Then you have a K. A. Jesus. K as in kill. K. K as in kill. K. It's a P-Y-A. K. Don't get excited, John.

Don't get excited, ma'am. Can I ask you a leading question? Yes. Do you have trouble hearing? I have, yes. Yes. All right, ma'am. well, we'll try it again. P-Y.

P-Y. K. A. K. P again? Yes, no, darling. K as in kill. E-S.

Yes, E-S. God, you got that. Just a second. Would you spell it back to me now? P-Y-A... Now, I... No, don't cry, John. Oh, no, it's not right. Oh, it's not right.

P-Y-K-E-S. P-A-Y-E. Where do you get the A from? I haven't said an A anywhere. P You got the P Right. Y P-A

Y-Y-Y-Y-Y as in Yankee P-Y K E How can a K and an E sound alike? K Yes, I will. I swear, I'm going to throw myself right down the microphone Oh, God save me. How can a K and an E sound alike? K. Yes, I will.

I will. I swear. I'm going to throw myself right down the microphone and choke you to death in a minute. That's what I'm going to do. P-Y-E, did you say? No, no, I didn't say. I don't know. I don't think we're ever going to make it, ma'am, are we? Oh, well, it is.

I don't think that I'm ever going to be able to give you this telephone number. Is this a nursery? I mean, this is just the name. Imagine it when I start to get to the telephone number. It's a nursery, isn't it? Yes, it is, strangely enough. All right, well, give me the number of it. Oh, God, can I?

That's the telephone number. Yes, all right, here you are. Are you ready? I'll take the risk. Are you ready? Yes. Okay, do you have your pen at the ready? Yes. Okay. number. Yes, all right. Here you are. Are you ready? I'll take the risk. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. Do you have your pen at the ready? Yes.

Okay. Six. Six. Six. Good. That's very good. Three. Six what? Three.

E. Oh, Jesus. How can E be a number? I don't know, but I just can't... A cat seems to vibrate in my ear. Okay, well, I'll say it very quietly. Yes. Can you hear me?

Yes. Six. Yes. Three. Three. Very good. Yes. Six, three.

Nine. Nine. And another nine. Yes. Eight. Eight. Eight. Very nine. Yes. Eight. Eight. Very good. Five.

Five. One. One. Yes. That's it. Yes, would you read it back to me? Six, three, nine, nine, five, eight, five, one. You've got it. 3 9 9 5 8 5

1 You've got it. You've got it. So just dial the telephone number and God help Bruce Pike. Oh my God! They got there in the end, didn't they? That is the best yet.

And that would only happen on Talkback. Oh, K for kill. I reckon halfway through he realised, this is gold. I'm just going to persist. Where was she getting the A from? And then a C in the phone number. Wow, could there be an E in a number? I've never heard him get that animated before.

I know. Well, see, this was many years ago, right? Right, okay. So I understand now why they call him the man with the golden tonsils because that was quite a booming, rich voice. That was beautiful. These days he doesn't really sound like that anymore. So the reason I've had to dig into the archives as well

is because his podcast doesn't get updated anymore. There hasn't been a new episode. I'm surprised there isn't. I know. Well, that's how I usually find shit of his to play on Talkback Tings, because I'm at work when he's on air. Ah. That's why most of the stuff comes from the night show.

Got it. And now that John Law's podcast has disappeared, I can't find the audio. But also, the most recent episode, which was mid mid-march he really doesn't sound well really so play the the old one this is what he used to sound like okay i'll tell you what to do ring pike's nurseries booming days beautiful articulate this is him in the most recent podcast upload okay in the past couple of hours the the World Health Organisation has described the coronavirus as the defining health crisis of our generation. What they are advocating is regular testing for the virus as pressure mounts for personal restrictions on visits to pubs and movie houses and aged care homes. Many Anzac Day commemorations across...

You can tell that he's turning his mic off to clear his throat, but it's still there. Oh, bless him. Irony, of course, being that he's talking about coronavirus. Yeah, Jesus. He sounds like he's on a deathbed. He's on a ventilator, I know. I know. He is up in his 80s, right? Oh, yeah, but good on him for still being on air, right?

He's still giving it a go, but just like, how the fuck am I supposed to find audio to play on our podcast if he stopped uploading episodes of his podcast? It was 17th of March. It was the last update. That's the last podcast episode they put up. Poor avid listeners who can't, you know, be up at the crack of dawn. They might have medical appointments to listen to their favourite jock.

I know. Maybe they just assumed that his listeners don't listen to podcasts, but they're wrong. Here I am. Here I am refreshing it going, come on, mate. Should we call them? Great minds think alike. That's actually what I was going to get you to do. Oh, let's do it.

Let's call like reception. Yes, this is exactly what I was going to get you to do. I want you to be an old man. No, I don't want to be a woman. I want to be a woman. I don't want to be a man. Too close to reality. Either works.

Just be someone who would listen to John Laws. Call 2SM reception. Let me get the number. And be like, where the fuck's the podcast? Yeah. It's been months. I'm worried. Is John still on air?

Okay. Like, where is he? No, I got the number. All right. I'm going to call. I'm going to be Dot. Oh, my God. Yes. Wiggins. Be my name. Okay. I've got the number um all right i'm gonna call i'm gonna be dot oh my god yes wiggins um okay i've got the number are we ready yep i've never seen you so eager to do a prank call

i know my um alter ego is a 97 year old woman named dot all right let's ring okay I'm so excited. Here we go. Hello, 2SM? Hello, 2SM? Hello? Hello? Hi, it's 2SM. Hello, my name is Dot. Is this front desk reception?

Yep. A query. What did you say your name was? Ben, from 2sm ben i my name's dot um how are you ben i'm good thanks how are you i've been better i've been better i have a query um i listen to the john law's morning show program every day religion i mean i'm not a religious person, but I listen every day. And for the love of God, I can't listen anymore. You see, in the mornings, too, I have to get my knee lanced.

I've got pus in my knee. It's a whole thing. I can't seem to listen live, so I have to listen via podcasts. However, there hasn't been a podcast updated, Ben, since March, middle of March. Middle of March, really? since March, middle of March. Middle of March, really?

For the John Laws program. And, gosh, I haven't heard his voice in months. Really? Okay, I'll pause it on now. My godson, Bailey, taught me how to podcast. And I go on every morning without, it takes me 20 minutes to get on, and I click it open, and March 17th, I've written it down in my notepad, March 17th is the last podcast from John Laws. Okay, March, right now, I'll check the website right now.

Is everything okay with John? Yes, everything's okay with John. He was sick today, so he didn't get on today oh no um let me check the show his last show was yesterday and tell him tell him dot from wonga barradine sensor he'll know me we had a brief fleeing back in 1980 but tell him i said my regards so the podcasts just don't they don't get put on they don't get thumb-drived in. They're not on anymore. They are on the website.

Oh, no. Apple. Not the website. Apple, Ben. Oh, Apple. Apple. It is lavender in colour, and the application has a little boy with two rings around their head.

Okay, you might, oh, I'm not sure if that's the right one. You might have to download an app called TuneIn. Who? TuneIn, T-U-N-E. TuneIn. Space, I-N. I'm getting a pen, hold on, Ben. Yep, so it should be on the App Store.

Who? It's called TuneIn. TuneIn. Or if you're finding difficulties, you can go on the website. No, no. I don't want to go on a website. I don't. I'm with Dodo and my internet is dreadful, Ben.

Oh, okay. Yes. The Apple Podcast app podcast app you see comes on my phone i it's already there okay oh okay i'll it shouldn't be on our side i think apple hasn't updated the thing but um i'll pass it on to management to see if we're still on apple but but it should be on an app called tune inIn. If you download that app, you can listen to other radio stations as well. So that's B-U-N-E. No, no, no. TuneIn.

T-U-N-E. Tune. So T-W-N-E-L-N. No, no, no. Tune. T-U-N-E. Tune. I-N. Oh, like Looney Tune. T-U-N-E. Tune. I-N.

Oh, like Looney Tune. T-O-O-N. No, no, no. T-U-M-G. N-E. Oh, dear me. No. Tune, like tuning the radio.

Yes. Tune. In. T-U-N-E. E. Space. In. I-N. U-N. That should be on the website. United Nations. No, I-N-N. T-U-N-E. E, space, N-I-N.

U-N. That should be on the words. United Nations. No, I-N-I. Oh, I-N, I-N. I for Iceland. Okay, I've got to pick up all the phone calls. I for Indigo.

Hold on, wait. Jamie, Jamie. I for Indigo and then N for Nelly. Yes, yeah. Tune in. All right, so spell it with me one more time. Ready? T-U-N-E-O-N.

I-N. I-N. No I-N. Listen, I've got to get my grandson to get across. You sent Jonathan, have I said this? Me and him had a soiree way back when we both lived in Warren Baradine. Sorry, can you repeat that again? We lived in Warren Baradine. We both had a little so repeat that again? When we lived in Wombadaradine,

we both had a little swar. I don't want to get too much. I'm going to start blushing. This is why I need to talk to him and listen to the podcasts. I'll make it happen. It's okay. Listen, thank you for everything.

You're a very young boy. Do you have a girlfriend, Ben? Sorry, my name's Ben. Do you have a girlfriend? No, I don't have. Sorry, my name's Ben. Do you have a girlfriend? Oh, no, I don't have.

My grandson is not straight, but I don't know what you are, but I could talk to him and see if maybe you could just be friends. He'd love to get into broadcasting. He's an artist, so he doesn't make any money, but I could talk to him and maybe get that to happen. No, I'm good. Thank you. All right, Ben. Thank you so much. All right, have a nice day. Hooroo, Ben. Hooroo. No, I'm good. Thank you. Alright, Ben. Thank you so much.

Alright, have a nice day. Bye. Oh my god. Jesus. Do you reckon he gets calls like that all day every day, I reckon? He was so calm, cool and collected. He did that really well. Also, I went in and out of a very deep British accent.

I didn't even... Yeah, I did. I noticed the accent was fluctuating. I never even considered this as an option. God, I wish we didn't have fucking jobs during John Laws' show. How good would it be if we could get through and you relived? Oh, my God. Like, you did Pike's Nursery 2.0.

Like, you got him to spell you something. That's brilliant. He might not have as much patience these days. I don't think he would. I don't think he'd be that quick to realise that there's gold in this material. He was such a beautiful boy. Poor bastard. Jesus Christ.

Wow. I love that. I think I'm going to take Dot on a tour around the country. You should. Jesus. You're right. The old woman came a lot more naturally to you than the old man character. Yeah, definitely.

What would the old man have sounded like? Hello? Mr. Craig? It's always right British, isn't it? No, I prefer Dot. I like Dot. He's much easier to do. I don't know why.

Oh, the poor guy. Wow. And he said, tune in to Mike Looney Tunes. That was my favourite. Also, they're really, really dumb for not having their podcast on Apple. And rather than saying, oh yeah, we'll fix that, they go, no, no,

go to our website or tune in instead. Like, there's no way that's a good, like, not that this would be high on 2SM's priority list, but that's a very bad podcast strategy. Yeah. No, I don't think that's exactly top of the list in the boardroom chats. I think, like, 89% of our listeners are on Apple, by the way. Really?

Yeah, so, like, Apple is still the number one app that most people use for podcasts, and so the fact that they're not on there is really fucking stupid. Also, he didn't get an answer. Like, he didn't really know what was happening. Yeah, I don't think he knew what was happening. He didn't get tuned in. Okay, is, I don't think he knew what was happening. He didn't get tuned in. Is it just me?

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