Is It Just Me? - TALKBACK TINGZ: Stuck on air with nothing to say 📻

Episode Date: May 10, 2020

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I've been listening to Talkback. I found some more gold for you, Mitch. I love it. This is one of my favourite segments and one of the listeners' favourite segments too. They all rave about it. A hundred percent. We've done the John Laws special in the past. And this time it's like late night, middle of the night, Talkback Radio.

This is my time slot. This is my one. Oh, no. Even more graveyard shift. So the listenership is down Monday to Friday. Then you get to the weekends. You're talking to two people and it's a cat. Oh, no. Even more graveyard shift. So the listenership is down Monday to Friday, then you get to the weekends, you're talking to two people and it's a cat. Shit.

So the idea of Talk Back to Ingres is I bring you the bits of gold that I hear and then you try and learn from it. You try and take it on board in your radio presenting, in your FM job. Very different, of course. Very different, yeah. Now, one of my favourite things to do when I'm at home,

back in the country, is listen to the first ever radio station that I worked at. Oh, which is? Which is 1404 2PK in Parks. Oh, The Breakfast Show was a budgie, right? It was a beautiful broadcast. No. I used to work there.

I would do one day a week there instead of going to school on a Friday. It was my favourite thing. Anyway, so a while ago, last time I was at was at home in fact i was driving late at night on a saturday yeah and i heard something go to where that is literally my worst nightmare even though i'm not a radio announcer like i've had equally fucked up dream this is listener sent in about being caught in this scenario yes me too i have so you're familiar with timing out oh the bane of my existence right so a lot of talkback radio stations, they have the news start at the top of the hour and it's up to the host, whoever's pushing the buttons, to make sure that they feel the

exact amount of seconds so that it sounds smooth when the news starts. And AM stations take it seriously. Like here at Kiss, the news can play at five past six. No one is listening to Kiss for the news. But a lot of older people rely on AM radio as their source of news. And they want it on the dot. Yeah, exactly. They want it on the dot.

So the presenters have to get the maths right. Yeah. So say the hour ends at, I don't know, 5.54. Then you have to go, shit, I need to fill. But it's never 5.54. It's 5.54 and 39 seconds. So then you've got to fill five minutes and 30 seconds. Yeah, I know.

I know. That's my worst nightmare. You've got to fill that exact second. Don't you have to time out a bit at work? And I have to time out every night because I'm a national show. So I am in multiple markets. So I have to make sure Sydney, all the kiss stations, whether it be Kiss Melbourne and Kiss Sydney and get this.

This is a mindfuck. And at 8.59.01. Okay. And point one and one of a second. The problem is I'm eight seconds delayed, so I have to. Oh, yeah. I know. I know.

So when I broadcast, it's actually eight seconds after it actually goes to air, so I need to account for missing a – oh, it's a mind fuck. Yeah, too much. So I actually have to time out at 9.01.30. It's just too much. Well, when I heard this, it was Carter Edwards, the Talkback host. Right. It was 10.57 p.m., So he had exactly three minutes to fill before the news started at 11 on the dot. And so he had to stop

talking at what? 10.59 and 59 seconds. Is that right? Yep. Yep. So he had a caller on the line. Oh, risky move. Well, yeah, I'm imagining that he's thinking, a lot of the time you will hear on Talkback, they'll be like, sorry, we've got to get to the news. Sorry, no, you've got to get to the news. So I'm imagining he's thinking, great, perfect, I'll chat to this caller for three minutes, then go to the news. Yeah. But then he had to cut the call short because of something they said.

And so then he was just stuck with nothing. Oh, he got a racist or something. He had to dump him. So firstly, here's how the call went. Okay. I do apologise. Oh, that's the racist or something. So firstly, here's how the call went. Okay. I do apologise, Chiara, but... Hello. Hello.

Look, I'm just calling. I spoke to the young man and he asked me what I wanted to talk about. And I did say relationships. And I suppose it does start with relationships a little bit. But what it really comes back to is the drought. My partner, I'm at home at the moment by myself because last night my partner cheated on me because the drought has just been so hard on him.

Matt, if you're out there... Hang on, hang on, hang on. You cannot mention names, Del. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. People will recognise your voice and people will recognise something about you and possibly could be a huge problem. Can you just

cut to the chase, please, Kiara, and tell us what you're basically, the point that you're trying to make. Well, the point that I'm trying to make is this bloody drought is really screwing everyone up. Yeah, I can understand. Sorry, Dale. I'm sorry, but I can't take it any further. Firstly, we must acknowledge what the fuck. How does the drought make it okay to be cheated on? I know, I know.

Listen, I know my boyfriend slaughtered that girl, but the drought is so hard on him. Isn't adultery one of the Ten Commandments? Yeah. Imagine if you could just get away with all of them just because it's the drought. Oh, he's doing a double stint for murder, buddy. The drought, you must understand. Jesus, I know you're busy spitting in people's eyes and part and sees, but hey, George over here, don't slaughter him.

The drought. The Bethlehem drought. Bullshit. Also, I love how he's like, don't def him the drought the bethlehem drought bullshit also i love how he's like don't don't defame anyone go again and she says it was the drought he cut her off like drought someone's name yeah i'm really not sure why he cut her off but for one reason or another he did and so he was left with yeah if i were him i would just be thinking fuck me dead i've got all this time to fill yeah so do I play a song? Nope, not enough time.

It's like maybe two minutes. And I know that from working at 2PK, all of that network, their ad breaks are set to four minutes. You can't adjust them. So it's not enough time to play ads, not enough time to play a song. There's no callers. He's just like, I've just got to fill it. He has to fill that time.

Oh, my God. He just kind of flailed. That's hard. He kind of just kept talking as though she was still there. But anyway, I'll let you have a listen. So here's how he coped with having to fill all that time. I do apologise

Kiara, but from my point of view, from my end, it could go anywhere and light a fire anywhere. So I just can't take it any further, sweetheart. Sorry. If you want to give us a call sometime and just be a little more aware of how to be radio friendly, I guess is the words to use.

My humblest apologies because I understand that you would like to. I'll tell you what I'll do, Kiara. If you like, uh, I will call you on the way home. If we can, if you wouldn't mind,

if you would be kind enough to give my, my producer, his name is Zach, your phone number. And, uh, if it's, if it wouldn't be a problem that I could call you after midnight, is when I on my way home and I could get the basic story in and

maybe we can take it from there from the from the point of what it is that you come to with your story. Uh-huh. So, oh, I see. Okay, let me then put my, put that on hold, put that number on hold and see if we can pick it up because if I can, I will re,

what can I say? I can probably, yeah yeah i'd like to talk to you off air if that's at all possible because i don't want to be um appearing to be uh totally unkind to you uh i've done it before so please don't think that, yeah, it hasn't happened before. So I'll call you after midnight if you would so allow it to happen because I can hear that you are in need of assistance. I'll see if I can help you with that. Apologies. That's the news.

And it's 11 o'clock. I was sitting there in my car. Imagine me driving on this wide open road. This is when I was back home in the country. And I'm just going, fuck, Carter. I'm feeling you, bro. I would not want to be in that situation. He just had nothing to say or do.

That's a car crash. Also, him noticing that she's newly single. I'll give you, bro. I would not want to be in that situation. He just had nothing to say or do. That's a car crash. Also, him noticing that she's newly single, I'll give you my number. You call me. After midnight. How many times did he reiterate the fact that he just wanted to hear her side of the story off the air? I don't know who,

I don't know how old that chick that called through was, but he, Carter is very popular with the elderly. He goes on tour at RSLs and he's quite popular. I mean, as cringy as that was, I think I could do it. I think I could do it better than Carter. I mean, what else is there to say, though? If you can't play a song or play ads, what do you do? He just kept repeating himself.

Yeah, it's hard. It is hard. But I think as a radio announcer, you know that's the job. I do it every night. I don't know half the stuff I'm talking about. But also, I was thinking to myself wouldn't you just google something and start reading the news

or something like that you know here's something online but anyway I'm glad that you have come in with this cocky attitude and you're so confident because the challenge today

for Talkback Ting I didn't know there was a challenge yeah no there is there always is idiot if we don't just listen to Talkback and then go thanks for listening

I always try and make you do something to learn from it so over there I've put a three-minute countdown and after that three minutes, it's got a little radio static the whole time just to give you the effect. God, you're good, yeah. So after that three minutes, the news theme kicks in. So I want you to imagine that you're Carter

and you've been thrown in that situation and you have to fill three minutes. So am I doing that scenario with that caller? No, not necessarily. Just how you would. A caller's just hung up. Up to you. Just how you'd fill that three minutes.

I don't mean an impression of Carter. I mean as you. As me. It happens to you on Kiss. You've got three minutes to fill. See, I have sound effects. Let's just say all your sound effects have died. Okay, so this is full alone.

And you can't bring in me and Jenna. You're pretending you're alone, like him. Oh, God, this is tough. This could happen, though. You're responsible for timing out. This could happen to you. You never know. This actually happens to me every night when I time out my show,

but I just play What's New Pussycat. Yeah. You play, like, end credits music to give you leeway. You could play it for 20 seconds. You could play it for two seconds. Sometimes I'm a minute under, and I'll go, well, people are getting a minute of what's new pussycat tonight. I would do the same thing if I were you.

Just give myself that window, that leeway. But Carter, he had silence to fill. So that's what you've got. I'm going to just put myself, I'm going to be Mitch from Kiss, but I'm going to do the same scenario so I have at least something to hold on to. Ready? All right. So Lady Gaga's going to count you in.

Okay. Let's see how you go. Okay, here we go. One, two, three. All right. Thank you, Bernie, for calling through. So, top ten bunt cakes for your Easter parade. I'll just rehash the top ten bunt cakes.

Vanilla. Vanilla. Hang on, this is what you would Vanilla. Vanilla. Hang on, this is what you would actually do? Add chocolate. You don't actually have this information. I'm making it up! Turn it off. I'm filling!

No, you can't just make up fiction on radio, because that's just lies. Shit. So I literally have nothing to talk about? Well, you'll figure it out. Okay. One, two, three! All right, if you are listening for the news bulletins, we'll get there in moments. How many moments?

Well, keep listening to find out. What a show it's been. The number to call, 131065. The number, 131065. Also, it could be 13, it could be 10, it could be 65. 131065. Call us up. We're live until we hit 12, until that old clock hits the chimer,

until the brass is knocked. A show it's been. A show that was great. A show that I will remember for all of time. It'll go down in history as one of the best shows. And I thought I might, speaking of best shows, give you a countdown. The best sitcom shows of the 80s. The list starts now.

It's been prepared for weeks. It's a segment that everyone is excited for cheers we can't forget cheers runtime 1982 to 1993 once again that could also be 198 and 2 or 199 and the 3 oh the golden girls

oh my wife Lucy Lucy, loves the Golden Girls. Runtime. 198, five. 199, two. 13, 106, five, if you have a contribution to the game. Growing pains. I'll tell you what. My nephew, Tyler, going through the worst.

Growing pains. How far is that news in? Okay, great. News on the way. Growing pains. How far is that news in? Okay, great. News on the way. The news is coming. Full house. 198.7. 199.5.

My son Blake was born in 1995. I remember it like it was yesterday. Lucy screaming with pain. And I said to that nurse, I said, we were at the local district hospital. One nurse. It's also the receptionist. I said, you look after her. And we had him.

He was premature. But we made it. Family ties. 198-2. 198-9. Now let's go to the news with Esmeralda Jones. Wow. 198.9. Now let's go to the news with Esmeralda Jones. Wow, I love how you still managed to go a little bit over. Talked over the news theme.

I made it. Impressive. Were you shitting yourself or were you just like, whatever? I shat myself after I got to the Golden Girls because how many more shows can you rattle on about? Why did you go shows of the 80s? Because once again, I don't think you understood the challenge. Why?

I said, imagine it's you and you're in that scenario. You don't have a wife, Lucy. You don't have a son, Blake. Where did that shit come from? Why were you doing shows from the 80s? You said I could Google and I Googled. Yeah, but where does that bring in your family? That was the content.

No, that was the fictional character that I created. No, I said, imagine you're you. Do you want to try it? And you're stuck on air. Do you want to try it? Not at all. This is for you, darling. So do I have to do it again? No, you was the fictional character that I created. No, I said, imagine you're you. Do you want to try it? And you're stuck on air. Do you want to try it? Not at all. This is for you, darling. So do I have to do it again?

No, you don't have to do it again. I'm just telling you, you failed. That's not a fail. You have to pretend what you would do in that scenario. Not what, did you have a character name in mind when you did that? Bruce. Not what Bruce would do. I want to do it again then.

I want to win. Oh, God. Yeah. Put you through it. So I've got to be me. Do it again. Anyone that's made it this long in the show, clearly they've got time in their hands. So I guess we can waste some more time.

You've got three minutes to go, people. One, two, three. All right, Ava Max on the show next Friday. I love Ava. If you know Lady Gaga, you know that people often get mad at the comparison. I've made it on the show before. I have a good friend, Mitchell Coombs, hates it. When I compare Ava Max on Lady Gaga, I say, Ava Max is the next Lady Gaga.

He says, you're the next fool. We laugh. Coming up on Tuesday's show, Charlie XCX. New music out and she's in isolation. A lot of people are in isolation because of COVID. That's what it's doing to people. It's putting us in isolation. A lot of people are in isolation because of COVID. That's what it's doing to people. It's putting us in isolation. Hey, you like music?

No, I can't do it. This is hard. That's hard. How long do you usually talk for again? I talk anywhere from like 40 seconds to five minutes. Why was that such a struggle? Because I've got no one to talk to. I can't play sound effects.

There's no content. I love the, do you like music? You don't know what else to do. Is it just me? A podcast by a couple of mitches.