Is It Just Me? - TALKBACK TINGZ: The best John Laws blow ups 📻

Episode Date: November 3, 2019

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Is it just me? A podcast by a couple of mitches. Right now, it's time for Talkback Tings. Talkback Tings is where I bring the little bits of gold that I find when I'm listening to Talkback Radio. Yeah, I do love it. It's a really different world to the one that you live in, the FM bubble. FM is crazy. I have so many, like, I've got like a really tight criteria that I have to fit into. Yes, no such criteria applies to AM radio.

In fact, I don't think any criteria applies to John Laws. Oh, if you don't know him, if you're in the States, Howard Stern, I'm a radio fan, so I love this stuff. Howard Stern, Australia, like a Carl Sanderlands, Alan Jones, shock jock, basically. Even then, like way older and way more withered. He literally retired in the year 2007, but then he was just like, I'm bored, and he came back in 2011. Did he retire?

Yes, and it was a big deal when he retired. He's now at 2SM. Now, for context, 2SM is the station that aren't even in the ratings anymore because they were rating so poorly that they just decided to opt out. They're like, we don't want to know. But then who pays him? Because he's not. Jenna, can you Google how much this man makes a year?

Oh, don't Google that. We don't need to keep throwing you to Google shit. No, I just want to know how much he makes. I just want to know how much he makes. Googling it now. Thank you. You don't have to confirm the Google either, Jenna. But like he very famously retired in 2007, like I said.

He's now back at 2SM, the shittest station in Sydney, and they will not pay for marketing. So there are so many people that literally don't know he's back on air. He's like a little off-Broadway secret now. He's BCC'd to the radio. He is. And so every single time you tune into John Laws, by the way, my father listened to John Laws.

So growing up, it's all I heard. I'm very familiar with it. I'm going to feel very nostalgic. But this is how it kicks off every single show. Hello, world. I'm very familiar with it. I'm going to feel very nostalgic. But this is how it kicks off every single show. Hello, world. I'm John Laws. It sounds very old-fashioned, doesn't it? Is this a mariachi band?

It sounds like you're at a Guzman y Gomez on Tuesday. Free tacos! Taco Tuesday! So he sounds quite quaint. Yeah. Almost wholesome. Yeah. But he is prone to losing his patience pretty quickly.

He tolerates no nonsense when it comes to his callers. Take a listen to this. Nonetheless, please be quiet. Be quiet. Be quiet. I will now. Susan, would you just shut up for a minute? Well, this particular one, this is one of my old favourites,

one of my favourite tantrums of his. I'm sick and tired of having to listen to rude, arrogant, ill-informed, stupid women like you. So even though he's insulting these people, he has a way of stringing together words that just sound correct together. Yeah, it's very eloquent. He makes insults sound eloquent, which is a skill I would love to have.

You're almost there. I know. I'm getting there. I'll just keep insulting you as my guinea pig until I get there, okay? I'll cop it. But he has this one particular caller who is like a notorious hater of his. He calls the show regularly. His name's Norman.

Norman has been calling him for years. All through my teens, I heard Norman. So he knows Norman? Yes. Literally like a week ago, Norman called and started complaining about Kyle Sanderland. Oh, our guy. And they played the audio on Kyle and Jackie O. The reason I bring that up is because how long have I been waiting to play this Norman audio on our show, Mitchell?

Oh, as soon as we had the idea for this show, you knew this was happening. Thank you. I don't want it to look like I'm copying Kyle and Jackie right now. I was sitting at my desk and they were playing Norman audio. And I was like, I'm playing that on the show next week. I know, I woke up to a text. And you're like, Kyle and Jackie are playing the Norman audio. I was like, did you BCC them on this?

Anyway. So this is a long time coming, the Norman audio. Exactly. So here's one of my favourite Norman blow-ups, and I want you to take note of just how eloquent he is, even though he's dealing with a hater and basically getting into a beef with this guy. Take a listen.

Give us a call, tell us what's on your mind. 1-300-5... Oh, is it really? Norman, is it you? It's me. Don't you... Didn't you say that your program goes all over the country? Yeah.

Well, aren't they bored about Sydney traffic? Probably. You're boring the rest of the nation about Sydney traffic. No, but it's very important to the people in Sydney, Norman. Yeah, but the rest of the country, they couldn't give a stuff. No, no, no. No, Norman, Norman, Norman. There are people out there in the bush saying, oh, God, god listen to that aren't we lucky to live in the bush we give them the

opportunity to extol the virtues of their own environment no you're just boring and i'm senseless like you usually do extol the virtues of their own environment isn't that beautiful yeah jenna you complain about this job you bitch but you just need to extol the virtues of this environment. Isn't that just like, he's so eloquent. That was impressive. Right? It goes on. Okay. I want you to listen out for the rest of this Norman call. I want you to listen out to the

most perfectly phrased insult you've ever heard in your life. I'm not overhyping right now. Okay. Take a listen. Norman, I've been getting reports about you. Are you fat? Overweight? I don't answer your questions, John. Listen, with Thatcher's funeral, have you planned

yours? Have you written it all out? Do you want to know? Have you? Going into the funeral, who's going to speak? Norman, Norman, Norman, Norman, Norman, Norman. You've got to remember, I won't know. I'm dead. who's going to speak. Norman, Norman, Norman, Norman, Norman. What?

You've got to remember, I won't know. I'm dead. Yeah, but all your family will be. Won't be anybody lining the streets and going crying over your death, I'm telling you. Norman, Norman, why do you listen to the program? Because I can. Ah, now the truth is coming through. You secretly love me.

No, I don't, John. I hate you, John. I hate you. You pathetic creature. You coward. You coward. You are. You really are a coward.

Norman, what a screwed up, dreadful little grub of a human being you are. No, no, no. I think I might even be stretching it a bit, calling you a human being, but never mind. We'll give you the benefit of the doubt, Norman. Every time I see somebody retire, I just think think of you why won't he do it listen norman norman when i did retire the it was a front page news story and the big headline was the end of an era how do you like that yeah mate i'm not your mate i'm not your mate oh it's gonna be it's gonna be such a joyous occasion when you die.

Norman, you're forgetting on this momentous occasion, I'm going to be dead. It won't be long. It won't be long, John. Everybody out there is wishing and hoping they wouldn't give a stuff about you, John. Norman, enough is enough, Norman. Enough is enough. You're just a nasty human being. And really, you're a bit entertaining for about the first five minutes or so. After that, you become, well, you show your true colours, which aren't very pleasant.

Yellow in the main, I might say. But you're just a nasty human being. And I don't know how you've got anybody around you. You probably haven't got anybody around you, and that's why you have to bother me. Please don't bother to bother. How savage but graceful. Please don't

bother to bother. Sounds like Edgar Allan Poe. Repeat after me. Screwed up dreadful little grub of a human being. Let's all say it, Jenny. You too. Three, two, one. Screwed up dreadful little grub of a human being. I want that on my gravestone.

That was intense. Wasn't it just? Can you play that last bit again? I just want to hear that one insult. Yeah, go. What a screwed up, dreadful little grub of a human being you are. I feel a bit upset because the way he talks to his callers, he's got power.

On my show at night, I do the exact same thing. I take calls constantly for three hours, and my callers talk to me like that. It's the opposite dynamic, isn't it? It's the opposite. They're so rude to me. I'm going to call you with my phone on private so you don't know and be like, what a screwed up, dreadful little grub of a human being.

What do they say to you that's so rude? Last week I had the privilege of giving out business class fights to the UK. Thanks to who? Etihad. The reason I ask is because you got the credit wrong. Who did you say again? Doesn't matter. I legally can't say this.

Another airline that begins with E. Thank you. Who should have you said? Etihad, Etihad, Etihad. Thanks to Etihad. Yeah, I've got a great deal on at the moment. Two business class fights. Jenna and I flew Etihad to London.

And it was like, not because of them. It was horrible. The flight to London is just horrible in general. But Etihad made it as good as they could. Oh, yes, of course. I didn't know where that was going then. Did you keep your Eddie had eye mask, Jenna? I sure do.

I have it at my house. And we work breakfast radio hours. Sometimes the sun's still up when we go to sleep. We've got to use that shit. Indeed. Eddie had's great. Anyway, they gave me business class flights to give away on the show all week. It was huge.

And then this week I've gone back on air and I do my usual programming. And on Tuesday night, so I do Tencent Tuesday. And I don't get a budget, but there's a coin purse in the office, so I take Tencent's. And then I flip it and people have to guess heads or tails. If I get it right, they win the money. I send them the Tencent's and I'm like, postage is $1.20. So the station's at a loss.

Anyway, some girl called up last night. I'm like, you want to play Tencent Tuesday? She's like, last week, didn't you give away business class cards? What's this shit? I'm like, sorry, Juliet. She's like I'm like, you want to play Tencent Tuesday? She's like, last week, didn't you give away business cards? Business cards, what's this shit? I'm like, sorry, Juliet. She's like, I don't even want to play. I'm like, give it back to me. Can we do this?

Can I bring some audio next week? I'd love to. Yeah, you've got to start collecting them and then play them for us. The way that your callers treat you is the same way that John Laws treats his callers. With absolutely no courtesy or respect. Oh, I'll start collating them. He can be charming when he wants to be, John Laws, but he can also tear you a new arsehole, as you just heard.

Yeah. How much does he get paid, Jenna? Did you find out? He has a net worth of $20 million. What's your net worth, if you had to assume, based on everything you've got? The same budget you've got for giveaways on your night show, $0.10.

Love the podcast, but want more in-between episodes? Then join a group sport, you lazy turd. Or go borrow a library book. Meanwhile, you can follow the show online at coupleofmitches. Yeah, give us a follow. Leave us a review. Don't forget, five stars, please. Speaking of group sports, Brad Alveo, guys, you're so good.

Yeah, of course. What did you do growing up? Well, nothing. Therein lies the issue why I was quite a large child. Oh, you couldn't run on the grass in Bougainvillea because that was the crops. Let's go play soccer, Dad. No, don't run on that.

That's the livelihood. That's the corn. Apparently I played soccer when I was five, but the coach had to politely ask my mum to stop bringing me because I wasn't playing soccer. I was running, but the coach had to politely ask my mum to stop bringing me because I wasn't playing soccer. I was running around the field picking up leaves. Imagine that. Mrs Coombs, you're going to have to pick your son up.

He's using the ball as a disco ball and he's grinding on the field. The other boys are very uncomfortable. He's pole dancing against the goalposts. Plus the ball isn't even a ball, it's a pumpkin. It's our crops! It's our crops! It's our crops. Is it just me? A podcast by a couple of mitches.