Is She Ok? - Fitness Q&A, Mum Guilt & Interracial Relationships

Episode Date: December 6, 2024

From breaking a sweat to breaking down barriers, this episode is a rollercoaster of real talk. Join us as we tackle how not to lose your fitness progress over the holidays, the emotional juggle of mum guilt, and the beauty and complexity of interracial relationships.

Hi everyone and welcome to the Is She Okay podcast. I'm Chans and I'm Sophie and we're here to unpack life's ups and downs and all the in-betweens. Having the conversations every woman's thinking about but rarely says out loud. Every week we'll chat about topics that really matter, aiming to answer the question we all ask ourselves, is she okay? Heya! Hi! How are you Charney? Currently today I have been awake since 2.45 and I can tell you there is nothing worse in this world than a sick baby, I have come to realise. My son has had a cold which you know it sounds like something manageable but not when you're six months old and i feel like this concept of men being shit at having the flu starts young like i've never seen my husband is a terrible patient but my son is equally as like

sad and whiny um and it's just like there's no sleep he can't blow his nose because he doesn't know how and so it's constantly blocked um it's been it's been a lot and actually we had a wedding to go to on saturday of a really really good friend of mine and he was he was a bit better actually so i left him with my mom and dad but the the level of mom guilt I felt is unbelievable. But yeah, like it's been really hard. It's been a hard week. Was that more because he was unwell? Yeah, it was. It's because I was leaving him and he wasn't 100%.

He was fine. Like, you know, he had a great time. They sent me a video and they were all having some sort of weird baby rave in the house. You know, all of this kind of stuff but you I I remember my friends telling me about this concept of mum guilt and I was like yeah yeah whatever I probably won't feel it I felt it I felt it first time interesting because it's one of those things that I have a hard time getting my head around like being completely transparent because I was like the majority of my clients and the people I work with the women I work with have children and they'll say and I'm like but your kids don't care yeah if we'd have had this conversation

before I'd have been like chance like he doesn't know if you're there or not he's not like scarred as an adult because you went like the only person that suffers is you yeah like that's why it's such a strange concept and like I'm assuming like there's like a hormonal factor right it's being driven by like um maternal instinct and yeah you have the maternal instincts there you go I don't have it at any other part but the shit mum guilt part I seem to have in bucket loads um but I agree the way you described it that's exactly how rationally I see it but it doesn't stop you inherently suddenly going I've left my child at home and they're not very well they might be sad um but yeah I agree I felt exactly the same way as you and then suddenly when you're in it you, ah, this is what millions of women have talked about for years and years.

And it's so like consuming. Two questions. Were you able to still have a good time? And secondly, did Matt share the same feeling? Was he having dad guilt? Good question. Do you know what? I don't necessarily think he would have as much as I did

I think in his head he was like he's the baby's with my mum and dad my mum and dad love him he's they've spent so much time with him he didn't really have much of a temperature when we left uh and we're gonna leave early so I think he was probably quite rational about it whereas I was very logical yeah um yeah so it's a good question I'm sure part of it you know my parents could have kept us up to date so we were constantly dated on how he was and yeah I did have a good time you know I did it didn't stop me checking my phone frequently or checking in but I did it was a it was a fantastic wedding so yes I'm tired but I'm happy to be here how are you Sophie are you okay thank you yeah I

am um I just got back from a few days in Madrid um what yeah actually flying off to Madrid I know just that's up though um it's my annual trip to Madrid um for those that don't know I lived there for a bit and it's very much a home from home um so I like to go back I just can I just also mention something um and I think we did this in Madrid you're gonna kill me for saying this I know it Sophie myself and our friend it was in Mallorca when I was in Mallorca just okay right it was in Mallorca but whatever um we created a little rap group uh very loosely chances come on this podcast is so she could share with everyone this story and now i want her to just to just i know she does and we were called 3pd i'm not going to tell you what it stands for um if you want to know dm us on instagram and i'll

tell you and we used to make up songs but the lyrics were always about food uh and that's all I'm gonna say I'm not gonna say anything else yeah it was a very a very it was in oh so after Madrid I moved to Mallorca and these two gorgeous girls came up to visit me um and yeah late night in a hotel room after they had had some alcohol um and it yeah it was it was it was special it was very special yeah and that's what cemented our friendship I think because some things you just have to take to the grave exactly so yeah so i go back moving swiftly on um okay that is also like charlie's like fondest memory and if it is uh it would be released publicly well 100% try and remove it from our brains and delete it from anywhere we can so yeah yeah i write umbilical ones a year at least we love you

um so basically this, the last Thursday of November is when they switch on the Christmas lights in Madrid. And no one and nowhere goes harder for Christmas than Madrid. Amazing. So, yeah, I went for a couple of days and just wandered around,

went to all my favorite places um and just completely switched off from everything and everyone and yeah it's just it's one of those things where you go somewhere and like your heart just feels so full um yeah share it with anyone it's just for me and so yeah that was lovely and we had the lifting workshop um the Sunday before that which was really good um and last the last couple of weeks I've been doing a lot of coaching sessions with clients um so just taking some time to kind of check in with about like how they're getting on how they're feeling about things, kind of looking at kind of goals they might want to set for the rest of the year, how they think things are going.

And one thing that kind of kept coming up is, and I said to a couple of the girls was this, that the overarching goal is to get you feeling great in yourself. And that has to come first because it is so much easier to achieve anything in life, any goal, but especially fat loss goals when you actually feel good in yourself first, you naturally find it so much easier to do things and especially to do hard things. You have more energy, more focus,

and you just generally find like easier to make good choices um but that must be quite challenging because I guess when a lot of people maybe come to you and they have that goal of wanting to lose weight or something like that I imagine they're coming to you probably not feeling that great in the first instance why it's one of those things it's kind of like a light bulb moment so what I always stress to people is like that first consultation can be kind of sometimes quite emotional because people they do open up and um like I really um I really value that because that vulnerability that allows us to move forward But what people often do is they think that they will feel good after.

Yeah. But when you feel bad about yourself or you're in a negative headspace or things like you're not sleeping well and you're not kind of fueling yourself properly and you're eating foods that make you feel lethargic it's really hard to do things like exercise and make good choices and prioritize yourself when you're in that headspace and when you feel yeah so a lot of people it's kind of that mindset switch of like okay we can do all those things but it's a lot easier to do these things like go to the gym and exercise and eat well if you if it's coming from a positive and from a good place yeah automatically you make better decisions yeah it's so true you know and so it's just that thing and it came up a lot and it was kind of like you can want to change aspects of yourself you can want to kind of change your body composition or like there's nothing wrong

with that but it doesn't have to come from a bad place and yeah feeling really good first yeah things like you're sleeping well and you're nourishing your body and you're drinking your water and you're getting fresh air and setting boundaries and doing some kind of like gratitude stuff you're coming from everything from a much more positive perspective yeah coming from personal experience as well and everything is just so much easier yeah those things in line first I mean I'm seeing it from the other side at the moment really clearly where I'm getting no sleep I'm constantly stressed so all day I'm just craving sugar you know for the quickest sources of sugar I'm craving

it and exercise is not really there I'll do a walk with the pram but I see I completely see where you're coming from because I am the biggest culprit in my life at the moment with this yeah so that's just something I wanted to share because I think it's one of those kind of like like ding moments where you're like ah okay like it's fine to want to change things about myself that's not an issue but do it from a good place and get those things in place first and then everything else falls into place yeah so there was that um other very important things um I watched a few Netflix Christmas movies amazing yes um and i also went to see wicked i haven't seen it yet but i'm gonna see it this week so we can do a full review next week yes no spoilers please okay i won't say

anything else about it but i will say one thing because i think this is hilarious and needs to be shared okay you know when a film comes out and they do like a toy line to go with it so yeah toy company have you heard this no I haven't heard the toy company they did a line of or they've created a line of wicked dolls and whatever yeah um and obviously you've got all the fancy packaging on on the back of the packaging it's like for more information or da da da da um go to the website and then the website's name but they printed wicked.com which turns out is a porn site so or isn't this the best thing ever so people were buying these toys and yeah instead of wickedmovie.com they got misprinted with wicked movie um and oh my god I've not heard this and I don't know how I haven't heard this because it's

fantastically the best thing ever and so now I'm like so obviously they recalled all the things but I was like I can you imagine how much that would be worth like someone someone is losing their job over this oh like who doesn't check that that's an intentional thing i don't know there's so many children probably logged on to to look at this who what kids are going to be logging on like i never would have as a i mean the internet wasn't so but you're about 100 years old of course we were never doing this i was gonna say the internet wasn't a thing when i was a kid. But like, do kids, I mean, I don't know. Do kids do that? Do kids get things and log on to the, from the back of the toy though?

Of course they do. If they wanted it. And think about it. Wicked is everywhere. Yeah. Everywhere. In fact, I was going to say we're actually in the wicked colours. We're in pink.

Oh my God. I know. So yeah, go see it and then we can really discuss but yeah that's that's my updates for today amazing well i would like to kick off with some fitness q a because we've had some questions come in um oh this is a good one are green supplements worth it um I am dressed as a green supplement today um in honor of this question um no you are basically just funding someone's dreams no like go eat a vegetable go and have some broccoli so that is kind of like the shortest no like I would never recommend them I don't have them myself um it's just absolutely a waste of money um they've marketed very very well like

if you've probably heard greens um one thing I would always say as well as like athletic greens especially and this isn't like a hate campaign towards them, but they do things like they say, it's like a proprietary blend. It sounds super fancy and you're like, oh my God, I'm getting this like really special blend. It just means that they don't have to disclose actually what's in it. Oh, sneaky.

Okay. And all companies do it, but it's just one of those things like, oh my God, it's like this special formula. It's like, no, it just means that like no it just yeah expose the amounts and everything so um no essentially go and have some vegetables um chew them eat them and crack on with your life okay love it um okay what protein powder is is best to use and I actually have a friend who's been banging on about protein powder recently and how amazing it is so what is the best one right so in terms of like I will get into the

best one but in terms of what you just said um protein powder is not essential all protein powder is is protein so it's the same like a scoop of protein powder would be the same as having a tin of tuna or a chicken breast or like a source of lean protein. The benefit of it is it's just very convenient. Yeah, because I guess people are constantly trying to increase protein in their diet. Exactly, as they should be, because most people are under consuming. Yeah. Especially women. So it's great, but you don't have to have it there's

nothing okay about it it's the same as having any other lean protein source it's got a convenience factor and you can add it into like a yogurt or make it into a smoothie or whatever um in terms of what one to use it's very much personal preference um Okay. What you're looking for is for one scoop of protein, which is like normally about 25 grams, it should be more or less 100 calories. Right. And 20 to 25 grams of protein. Okay.

And very, very little, like one gram of fat or one gram of carbohydrates. So it is just a lean protein source the same as a tin of tuna the same as a chicken breast or okay something like that in terms of brand it's completely up to you um you don't need to go there is no difference between a really expensive one and a cheaper version okay look for like look for one that's within your price point look for that you're comfortable with, kind of like the ingredients in terms of like sweetness and things like that. But the main thing is 100 calories, 25 grams of protein a scoop. Good to go. Amazing. And last but not least, and I imagine there are so many people who ask themselves this question. I'm really stressed about ruining my progress over Christmas. I quite a few nights out do you have any tips? Love this question and it is one like you said that

is coming up a lot and we could probably do a whole episode on it um but so I think when we're talking about Christmas we need to kind of be realistic and look at the month of December because Christmas starts early um thing about I'm assuming this question is coming from a place for someone that's got multiple nights out planned work it's kind of like two three things a week in the run yes um you're not going to ruin your progress in December um in terms of if you've been consistent throughout the whole year um December is it a time to diet and chase fat loss probably is it a time to just maintain and keep in good habits 100% like I would never say to someone do you not just sack off December

then you will regress because December is like any other month it's like if you take out the consistency and the good habits for four or five weeks there will be regression however if you don't need to be dieting I'd probably say stick with maintenance and just um i would also say just be a bit realistic um and prioritize things that are important to you so what i say to clients is say you've got two nights out this week one is with your best friends and one is a work thing with bob from accounts yeah work thing with Bob from accounts is probably not going to be the most like thrilling thing you've ever been to um so in terms of like eating and alcohol do you need to kind of like wild yeah like no because it's not going to really add anything you're not going to have the best night ever you can just kind of like have a glass

of wine yeah order kind of like a main and leave it there because it's yeah that thing it's very much just kind of like something to do when you're out with your friends or if it's kind of a couple of social things again like I always say to people if you have two glasses of wine yeah can you have a good night and the answer is generally like yes yeah just question what that third and fourth and fifth drink actually bring to the table you don't actually need them and they don't really add anything and that's when you get the fallout the next day because you make less healthy choices because you've got a massive hangover and it's just that thing of going well do I need a starter main and dessert or yeah quite a few social occasions can I just have a starter and a main and can I make sure that maybe the starter is either something to share or something

like a prawn based starter so it's a protein based and just things like that keeping meals around those social events um you can kind of calorie bank so you can keep breakfast and lunch for example a bit lower in calories prioritizing um so that you've got slightly more to work with on the nights out looking at your diet in advance like if you're out on the Thursday and the Friday night for example you're probably not going to go to the gym on those days could you go to the gym on the Sunday Monday and Tuesday? Yeah I think alcohol is often such a big culprit I don't drink really anymore but I know when I did especially around December if I went

past a certain point my feeding went out the window my sleeping went out the window you know the whole next day went out the window and I often think that if you can be really smart about that particular area it just helps you to be mindful about everything else it's massive like a bottle of wine is 700 700 750 calories yeah like yeah and that's for like a small woman that's that's massive yeah so yeah it's just I always say to people like sometimes it is just about being a bit of an adult and making kind of like slightly sensible reasonable decisions um and like things like if you're going out for like a coffee with like the mums from school or your friends it's like do you need a 400 calorie coffee and a slice of cake yeah on a random like

Tuesday afternoon and again it's like probably not could you have just as good an experience with like a cappuccino and like a smaller biscuit or something like that and it's not that you can't enjoy the kind of festivities or you can't enjoy it and like I am such a big advocate of enjoying these things but it's just going you are an adult and yeah make choices that actually support your overall health and all your goals rather than in that moment just being like oh fuck it so yeah exactly I love that you are an adult make good choices um okay and that that's all our questions yeah that's all our questions um brings us on to our topic for today go on what are we talking about today chance so sophie and i are talking about mixed race relationships today which is something that i know both of us have experienced in the past

um if you hit me with some stats yeah so kind of briefly when i was looking in when i was looking into things um so the 2011 census in the uk um nearly one in ten people who were living as part of a couple were in an inter-ethnic relationship in England and Wales in 2011 and this has increased from seven percent in 2001 so from 2001 to 2011 it's gone up two percent um I thought it would be much higher than this interestingly I think it's really low like it I was surprised I feel like that's just like oh so people in London are in mixed race relationships and the rest of the yeah um and yeah so a lot of the stats that I found were kind of uh US based to be fair um but something that I did find that I found quite interesting and again this comes from a PubMed article and it is a US-based article and website yeah but it did

state that your divorce rates vary by ethnicity um with black women having the highest divorce rate and Asian women having the lowest. It's really interesting you say that because I remember growing up and hearing the fact that there's no word for divorce in Hindi. Stop. Because it wasn't a thing. Now subsequently I think that there probably is is a word but it was the concept that it just wasn't a thing. No matter what you're going through it's it's not an avenue that you can take which I imagine it's so frowned upon is why you've got the lowest divorce rate it's not because they're not in unhappy marriages I can tell you yeah oh my god no and this is this is what I wanted to discuss because I just it's it's absolutely not a socio-economic decision um interracial couples are also more likely divorced than same race couples no way this information um but again it said this may be

due to factors such as cultural differences social disapproval which I found fascinating and stress and I kind of this article on PubMed basically alluded to the fact that people are getting married later in life if at all um and that socio-economic factors are a massive part of why things fail and why things end up like relationships break down um right so yeah just kind of like there was some stuff that surprised me and some stuff that didn't but I did I mean it seems that kind of like from the census in the UK interracial marriages and relationships are on the rise because the amount of people who identified as mixed ethnicity has gone up quite a lot so obviously if you're having more mixed race children yeah coming from somewhere so you assume they were coming from interracial relationships

so talk to me about kind of like your experience and where you were at with this kind of conversation. So I'm obviously Indian and I remember growing up and there were certain things that just were not done. You didn't marry outside of your culture. You didn't marry a black man, a Muslim man, a white man. It was just seen as being off the cards. And then gradually, as I got older, you know, you'd hear stories about, oh, so-and-so married a white man. And it was almost scandalous that this had happened. And as I grew older, I went to university, I was exposed to new people. I'd been born and brought up in London my entire life. But yeah, my first boyfriend was Indian and I was with him for actually quite a long time um and after we broke up I just I guess I just felt like I was free to go and explore other

things I didn't have to do this cookie cutter life that maybe was expected of me um to date within your community I I didn't I think I just thought that's what would happen. That's how that's what happens. And I am really fortunate that I've got two really incredible parents who have just always been very supportive of me. But that's not to say that they didn't have an idea in their head of what what my future husband was going to be like. I'm sure they probably expected that he would be Punjabi and part of our culture and all of this. But the point is, I dated white men, Indian men, and I eventually married a white guy. And I think what's so important with that is our values are so aligned. And that was all I saw. And he's embraced my culture so significantly.

And I remember the first time I was introducing him to my mum and dad. And I always said to them, I'm only going to introduce someone if I'm really serious about it. So this was quite a big deal for me. And I didn't really think about the repercussions of that. I didn't think about the fact that actually for my dad in particular, this might be quite weird that my future husband might not be Indian. Did you ever sit down and have a conversation with your parents? Was it spoken or unspoken? I think it was unspoken. I think I used to talk about him and just say how great he was.

But no one ever questioned the colour of his skin or his background. And, you know, we had, my parents met him and they loved him. They love him even more now. We lived together for a year. And actually, they really see how amazing his values are. We had an Indian wedding. We had a Sikh wedding. And we had an English wedding.

And he completely threw himself into every aspect. At his wedding, like, I've never seen someone in traditional costume be like as excited and happy to be there as Matt was and like yeah go out of his comfort zone like yeah he didn't he barely knew anyone there but he was so confident with it and embraced it and like looked like that was for me is like your friend like that was so special because yeah I think like we come from very similar upbringings and that like our parents just want us both to like they just want us to be happy but I can also imagine that it's a bit of kind of like it takes a bit of processing to it does it's a bit of an adjustment but they never made me feel anything other than this is the right

thing to do which I really now looking at it I really appreciate and I'll tell you something that's really interesting within my community now there are so many girls of my generation and younger who have gone on to marry white men my closest group of friends from school they're all Indian girls the one the wedding I went to on Saturday I looked around every single one of us has married a white guy now take from that what you will I don't know what that says about the state of Indian men at the moment but it's fascinating isn't it that that's that's happened so we've all got these beautiful caramel babies running around you know especially when you think like it's only going back one generation to your

parents generation where yeah that would not have been the case no exactly it's such a dramatic change and I do wonder like if it is more if we see more of it because we are in London um yeah it could be we're in we're in a bit of an echo chamber and you know I don't know I my mum was born and brought up here my dad is really forward thinking I think that played a part in the fact that I felt open to doing something like this um but I think like you said their key objective has always been, is my daughter happy? Is this the right person for her? And luckily, so far, so good. But yeah, it's been an interesting, an interesting journey, I have to say. And maybe people in the community have said things behind our back and we just don't know.

But ultimately, I don't give a shit. You know, I feel like I've married the right person, regardless of the colour of his skin. Yeah. And was there any kind of trepidation from your part about meeting his family? It's interesting because his mum lives in Chepstow, which is in, you know, it's in Wales. And I have, I don't know why I feel this. I always think anywhere outside of London is horrifically racist. So it doesn't matter where I go. As soon as I leave London, I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to get stoned. So I was nervous. I was nervous because I was like, God, how are they going to feel about marrying an Indian girl?

And I mean, I had no reason to be nervous. Chepstow is beautiful. His family were amazing. But you just don't know, do you? No, you don't know what you're walking. And that's why I asked, because like it's it's that it's the unknown isn't it and it's that kind of thing of like well I think also you're like I know that my parents could have had an adverse reaction so yeah his mum might have thought that he'd bring home this kind of like white blonde girl

yeah it's true you know and it's I think something that's that's really important especially for anyone who's in a similar situation that I was where you're coming from a community that has certain standards and and things that it's it's demanding of you is to just remember that it's your life and at the end of the day when all of these people have disappeared and gone you need to think about who is it that I I want to say good night to and good morning to every single day who's going to stand by me when things are really hard and who is going to make me feel loved every single day for the rest of my life um you know focus on that don't focus on what people are thinking it's not worth it and I think that goes for everything in life I don't think that's just kind of this situation but yeah no

and I think it's interesting because I think within, so like you, me and Soraya, three best friends, all different ethnicities, all different races. Yeah. And we've all dated outside of our own. Our cultures, yeah. Yeah. And I don't think that for any of us it's ever been an issue.

Like, I don't even necessarily think it's ever really been a thought process. Yeah. I think that the way we've all been raised is just you see people for kind of like who they are. And like also, like you said, going back to kind of like morals and values like that is the most important thing to me yeah everything else is just you know it's what you bring to the table yeah yeah and what was what's your experience been so so I have never dated anyone within my interesting and again not intentionally like I'm not yeah um you've just never met someone who's made you want to do that with them basically I mean I never meet anyone period chance I'm I know I'm aware of this the bane of every all my closest friends like when just do yeah no I think again I think that

growing up I dated people who I was friends with and it just happened that they were of different races and ethnicities to me and again it never, it was never something like a conscious decision. I'm attracted to this person, we get on really well. And yeah, it's interesting because I never, it was almost something that looking back, I'm like, I really never gave it any thought. I do think there's a certain amount of like sensitivity there that I'd probably be more aware of now yeah it wouldn't stop me from dating anyone

um yeah but I would definitely have more kind of maybe more awareness and less naivety that actually other people do have a problem with it yeah or could possibly have a problem with it um so that's like that's something that I think is interesting and something that I've become more aware of but again like I think that if I'm looking to date someone now like there aren't any kind of like rules or limitations in terms of basically anyone I would say well I was just gonna say let's just be honest Sophie is casting her net wide at this point there's no um no but like I just I just I think it's that I hate it when people say, oh, I don't see colour. I'm like, well, everyone sees colour.

And it's actually quite offensive to say that. However, I think, like you said, the more important thing for me is that we are aligned in our values and our morals. And as long as those things are in place, I care about the color and as much as you know it's really enriching to have a relationship with someone who's from a different background different color different you know culture because there's so much you can learn from each other but it's also you also have to work you have to put in the work to understand them to understand their heritage and their family and you know any like my husband takes the time to understand what Diwali is or

you know Guru Nanak's birthday or things like that because that side of me is really important um and similarly one thing like I really love is like when you're dating someone from a different ethnicity or different religion like getting to for me like it's so special to be able to like share holidays and festivals yeah yeah about stuff because for me that's actually like a really it's so important to me and I don't care if you don't come from that background but I care that you're open to experiencing it and to me telling you about it because that is my family and that's my history and that's my heritage and I think that's me yeah it's a massive yeah yeah and vice versa like I want to be with someone that wants to share that side of themselves with me as well yeah definitely it's it's just I think it's been a big part of of both yours and and my my lives our lives um and I think yeah and I I have a really beautiful

life and you know my son is gonna grow up learning both sides of his family and all of that kind of stuff but we you know I think you and I can both appreciate that it's not always this easy and and rosy for everyone who's who's dealing with it no I think we're very lucky because I can't imagine yeah with someone and being scared to introduce them to my parents or yeah you know caring about what other people think because that must be so heavy and that obviously does tear relationships and yeah and I just think that's heartbreaking to me that like people can't be with someone that they love because of the color of their skin or because of different kind of like religious beliefs like to me that is insanity but again I think that that's because of how we were raised and

yeah we're very fortunate in that that side of things um yes well thanks soph that was interesting um definitely and i think the key message to take from this episode i am sophie gorwich and you are at c sani um and please give us a five star review and leave some lovely comments um you can find us on spotify and on apple podcasts and we will be back soon thanks bye