It Can't Just Be Me - 1: Friends with an ex? With Mel Schilling

Episode Date: May 3, 2023

In the first episode of this series, Anna is joined by love and relationship coach Mel Schilling to tackle dilemmas on break-ups, friends who won’t take good advice, and telling your dates you don��t want kids.You’ve probably seen Mel advising new couples on Channel 4’s Married at First Sight. But while she’s an expert, she’s had her own fair share of ups and downs in the relationship department, so she really knows what she’s talking about!…Have questions about sex? Divorce? Motherhood? Menopause? Mental health? With no topic off limits, Anna’s here to prove that whatever you’re going through, it’s not just you.If you have a dilemma you’d like unpacked, visit itcantjustbeme.co.uk and record a voice note. Or tell Anna all about it in an email to [e-mail] podcast contains adult themes that may not be suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. Please note that advice given on this podcast is not intended to replace the input of a trained professional. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional. From Podimo & Mags CreativeProducer: Alice Homewood with support from Laura WilliamsEditor: Kit MilsomTheme music: Kit MilsomExecutive producers for Podimo: Jake Chudnow and Matt WhiteFollow @annarichardso and @podimo_uk on Instagram for weekly updates Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Anna Richardson, and this is It Can't Just Be Me. Now look, what you need to know about me is that I'm really, really nosy. I'm nosy on the telly, and now I'm going to be really nosy on a podcast, because on this show, I ask you to send in your deepest, darkest dilemmas, and I rope in some very special guests to help me unpick them. We're going to be talking sex. We're talking friendship, family, parenthood, everything. But whatever the topic, you're going to be able to relate to it.

And today's dilemma is no exception. It's all about a breakup, serial monogamy, guilty as charged, and the question of whether you can ever truly be friends with your ex. This is It Can't Just Be Me. Hi, Anna. Hey, Anna. Hey, Anna. Hi, Anna.

Hey, Anna. Hi, Anna. Hi, Anna. Hi, Anna. It can't just be me who's really struggling with staying faithful. I definitely got menopause brain. I really want children and he doesn't. I had feelings of jealousy.

It's just all around the middle. I feel like a Teletubby. And then I hated myself for feeling that way. If you've got any advice. I would really appreciate any advice. It can't just be me. It can't just be me, right? Now to help me unpick today's dilemma, I've invited someone very special to join me in the studio. She's not just a celebrity and she's not just an expert. She's both. The iconic Mel Schilling is a love and relationship coach on the TV show Married at First Sight, where she helps new couples find their feet. She's also the author of The C Word, which is a new book, a manual for building confidence. But while Mel is an expert,

she's also had her own fair share of dilemmas in love and dating, so she really knows her stuff. Without further ado, let's meet Mel. Mel Schilling, you Aussie wonder woman, you. Welcome to the very first episode of It Can't Just Be Me. Now listen, I am excited about plundering your depths of knowledge. Are you excited? Plundering my depths. I know. Anna, I'm really excited.

Well, listen, before we get to this week's listener dilemmas, this podcast is called It Can't Just Be Me. So naturally, we've asked you to bring your own It Can't Just Be Me dilemma. Come on, what have you got? Okay. It can't just be me dilemma. Come on, what have you got? Okay. It can't just be me. I am beside myself over people who have no spatial awareness. You're going down the escalator, they get off the escalator and they stop. Right in front of you. Right in front of you. And everyone piles up and

bumps into them. Or the people who stop in a doorway. Does this extend also to personal relationships? Because the minute you said that, my boyfriend immediately sprang to mind because he really winds me up. We're walking together and he will walk in front of me and stop. Or we're in the kitchen and he just crosses in front of me and so I bump into him. Kitchen behaviour is a big one. I notice that particularly with my man as well.

Maybe it's a man thing. Do you think so? I think they're just a little bit more self-absorbed and we're just built a little bit more, can I say empathetically, you know, from a spatial perspective. We're more, I think we're hardwired to be constantly scanning our environment, looking around because we're all about caring for other people and, you know, juggling the mental load and carrying on what's going on

in our environment. I think we are just more tuned in, whereas blokes can go a bit internal and just go, I want food. Yeah. Or I'm looking at my phone, one track. You're right. So maybe what we're saying is women are just more considerate. Look, that's perhaps a good name for your podcast. We could change it.

Listen, I could talk to you about this all day because it's one thing that really, really winds me up. We are actually here to do some work. So you're here today because one of our listeners has sent in a dilemma that really struck a chord with me. And I have got a very good feeling that you are going to totally sympathise and no doubt been there as well. So if you're listening and you want to send in your own dilemma, you can go to itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk and leave us a voice note. But this listener actually didn't want us to use her real voice.

So I'm going to read out her message instead. Rachel writes, It can't just be me who is newly single and feeling confused. Until recently, I was in a five-year relationship. We had some amazing times together and bought our dream home a couple of years ago. Everything was great. I loved spending all my time with him and really thought he was my forever person. But around a year ago, I started getting little thoughts of doubt. I shared some of my concerns with him

and expressed my need for affection. And a bit more of the guy that I'd first met, he'd changed quite a lot over the course of our relationship. But the doubts came to a head after a holiday when I realized that this relationship wasn't making me happy and if I continued, I'd be settling. Continuing the relationship would have been easy to do because he was an amazing person and we had a great life, but the horrible truth was that I didn't love him anymore. So I broke up with him. It's been hard, but I know I made the right decision. I still think he's an amazing person and I'd love to broach a friendship at some point do you think that's possible and how would I go about it so just to recap Rachel has made the big decision after five years I mean you know

that's a long time to leave what sounds like a very, very comfortable relationship. And now she's wondering if she can actually stay friends with her ex-partner. So let's just start with that really big leap of faith, which is leaving. So whatever the circumstances, and we've all been there, but whatever the situation, ending a relationship takes real courage, doesn't it? It does. And isn't it interesting that she came to this realisation on a holiday? I think a lot of people experience this. It can give you that kind of helicopter view of your relationship.

Is this a scenario where the two of them are in this relationship, it's been five years, and perhaps she's growing and he's stopped, or maybe they're growing in different directions? Because we all know that happens in relationships, and I've certainly experienced that myself. And it doesn't mean that it's a bad relationship or that they're a bad person, but you've just moved in different directions and that relationship no longer serves you. That might be the case. Tell me, have you ever had to make that decision to leave a perfectly comfortable,

perfectly good relationship? You know, I have. And it was my first significant relationship with the beautiful Marty, the most gorgeous, gorgeous thing. And we were together between, I think I was 19 and 21, 22. Yeah. So really formative years. And we were just best mates and real, but great lovers as well. We had this really great relationship, but then I was in uni and he was kind of dropping out and I kept

going on and studying and want to improve and create a bigger life. And he was really content to stay where he was. Oh, okay. And I think if I'm really honest, I'd say that I did get bored. Yeah. I wasn't getting that intellectual stimulation. And, of course, I wouldn't have been able to articulate that then. What did I do?

I kissed his cousin. And then I think I pashed one of his mates in a nightclub. Yeah. Then moved on to his dad. I get it. I his mates in a nightclub at, yeah. Then moved on to his dad. I get it. I get it. Now, I tell you what, if you had met Marty later in life, would it have worked? I'm going to say no.

Okay. I think I would have liked him as a person and I definitely would have enjoyed spending time with him maybe in a work environment or something, but I wouldn't have been stimulated by him. I wouldn't be now. I mean, immediately what springs to mind actually is, I think it's straight away of my long-term ex-boyfriend, Charles, who I'm really good friends with now. We were together for 18 years.

And actually, I think that in the end, we were starting to live just parallel lives. But we were, you know, we were too independent of each other. I guess we were starting to drift. I think I did voice that I was feeling a little bit unhappy, as was he probably, you know, if the truth were told. But I think that had we been honest enough and had couples counselling, I think we could have addressed a lot of the issues. But instead, we separated.

And there's part of me, just going back to Rachel, really, there's a little bit of me that wants to say, did you really want to split up with him? Or do you think that this, had he addressed your needs and shown you more affection, become more of that guy that you first met, could you actually have saved this relationship? Because it's interesting that she ends her letter saying that I really still want this person in my life and can we still be friends? Exactly. Because at no point has she said, I stopped fancying him. Which is a totally different thing.

Which is a totally different thing. Is that not just part of a long-term relationship that you can fall into being really, really, really good mates? And sometimes we mistake that for not loving somebody anymore. Because I think that rush of falling in love, you know, we try and chase that for too long when actually naturally our relationships change. They do. They absolutely do. We have that initial too long when actually naturally our relationships change. They do. They absolutely do.

We have that initial stage, which we call limerence. You know, that's where it's all the oxytocin and the sexiness and you just want to rip each other's clothes off all day, every day. And we know that that doesn't last. God, a long minute last. No, it doesn't. No, you're right. It doesn't.

Which is why the swiping of dating apps is so addictive. Not only do you get that dopamine hit when you do it, you can stay, essentially stay in a suspended sense of limerence. Oh, really? Oh, that's interesting. So people who are serial swipers, they don't actually move from that initial stage into any kind of connection with a person.

It's just the flight of fancy, the excitement. So we don't get beyond limerence. Oh, that's absolutely fascinating. But listen, the big question here is, is it possible to be friends with your ex and how should you go about it? Now, I'm really interested in this because I've been really lucky in that I've managed to stay friends with the two really big loves of my life. And in particular with my ex, Charles, I spent 18 years with. He's like family to me. And we did Gogglebox last year together. And he makes me cry with laughter. But I see him now like a brother rather than, you know, the lover that I once had.

So I guess the question is, is it possible to be friends with your ex? And can you be friends with all of your exes? I'm going to say yes, it is possible. Yeah. No, not with all. Okay. I believe making a conscious transition from a couple to a friendship requires some real endings before the beginnings can start. You know, there needs to be a real boundary between this point in time was our relationship connection where we shared certain vulnerabilities and openness and were, you know, very emotionally raw with each other. And now we're going to have maybe some time out and then reconnect

as mates with different boundaries, different rules and roles. And listening to Rachel's story, it sounds like she's not there yet. It sounds like she's wanting to kind of take some of what was in this relationship and turn it into a friendship. And I think that's got danger written all over it. Yeah. I totally understand that compulsion to want to get it over and done with and just go, okay, I know it hasn't worked

but I still really love you and let's be friends. But actually that's really difficult to do. There has to be that awful loss in between. So you think that maybe Rachel's trying to rush into it a little bit too much. Look, I hope that Rachel listens to the conversation you and I are having. And I hope she hears that first bit about, you know, couples moving at different paces and growing at different stages. And maybe, you know, if there is a conversation

and a renegotiation of the way the relationship works, that that can actually be an ongoing great relationship. She might revisit it. Now you're talking because actually, all right, let's go there because one of the things that she doesn't mention and is crucial is what's going to happen when, for example, Rachel, he meets someone else. Are you going to be cool with the fact that suddenly you're the ex-girlfriend, he's got a new love in his life. Is she going to be okay with him being friends with you? And vice versa, what if Rachel meets somebody new? So I think when we bring in that new love, that really changes the dynamic, doesn't it? Yeah, because there's unfinished business. I mean, come on, we've all been there, haven't we? Absolutely. Have you ever

been driven just mad with jealousy by your ex's new partner? I can remember being so aware of the day he married her. And I remember being at home in my apartment where I lived by myself, all alone, probably eating loads of chocolate and just getting through the day because there was nothing I could do to stop the day from happening. It was happening. Are we talking about Marty here? No, this wasn't Marty. This is a later one.

No way. What happened? Yes. So this was the girl who was 10 years younger than me that he replaced me with. Really? I hate them both. And so who binned who?

Did you finish with him or he finished with you? He finished with me by doing it with someone else. With the girl he then went on to marry? No, no. She was a later model. Yes. Oh, really? Okay.

So later model, younger. Ten years younger than me. Gosh. Yeah. That's a slap in the face, isn't it? It is. So when you found out they were getting married, how did you feel? Oh, it was just that because we did a lot of break up,

back together, break up, back together, a lot of back and forth. And I think it was that last nail in the coffin that this is finally over. Oh, no. There's no hope left. It's over. I mean, it was a wildly dysfunctional relationship anyway. Okay. So it was good. It was a really good a wildly dysfunctional relationship anyway. Okay. So it was good. It was a really good thing for me, but it really hurt.

But this is it. It doesn't feel like it at the time, does it? I mean, in a sense, that's a whole other podcast is those dysfunctional relationships that are really addictive and really exciting and why they're so difficult to get out of. And I'm really interested to hear you say, look, this was dysfunctional, but when I discovered that he was marrying this girl, it still was like a knife in the heart, even though it was much better for you not to be there. Yeah. And this is that tussle between the head and heart or the rational and the emotional. On a rational level, I knew this is good. This is good for me.

This is a clear boundary. I'll move on now and this is going to be great. But at the heart level, it just hurt. And did you find yourself with that relationship trying to force it to work? Oh, for years. Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen, Rachel actually had a follow-up question too,

and this one is about dating. So she says, I've always been in relationships since I was a teenager. I've decided this is an opportunity to be single, but I do love being in a relationship. It's been a few months already, but when should I start dating again? So she's currently single after that five year relationship. And it sounds like she's a serial monogamist. I have so been there. I'm exactly the same. I've been in a relationship since I was about 17. And actually thinking about it, I was only properly single for the first time in my life at 51. Wow. I know. And I tell you what, I couldn't handle it. I hated it. Hated, hated, hated it.

Anyway, Mel, should Rachel have some time off dating? I know you've spoken about actually loving your single years before now in the public domain. My response is hell yes, Rach. Okay. Absolutely. Let's put a pin in what we were talking about before with potentially her partner, is it over, is it not over?

Yeah. Let's assume that it is over and it's all finished. I love the idea of Rachel now saying, I'm going to dedicate some time to me. I'm with you on that, absolutely. Because you would know, Anna, as a serial monogamist yourself, that sometimes there's not even a gap between partners. You know, even if there's no infidelity, there can be, you know, from an emotional perspective, you're moving on to a relationship

with someone else and you don't actually get that time out for yourself and time to stop, reflect, what did I do well in this relationship? What can I learn from? What can I do differently? That's a really good point having that time and just oh I think it'd be so good for Rachel particularly if there's a little bit of confusion over the last relationship and wanting to be friends as well okay so tell me a little bit more about you then because you were single for much of your 30s is this sort of post the guy that then married the young, much younger girl? So you then went, right, okay, hell yes, I am going to be single and enjoy myself.

What did you get up to? Well, it was pretty much 10 years of living this incredible, and I've probably got rose-coloured glasses now because I'm married with a kid, but it feels like it was this single life. And I've probably got rose-colored glasses now because I'm married with a kid, but it feels like it was this single life. And it was, you know, I had this gorgeous apartment on Chapel Street in Melbourne, which is the fashion capital of Melbourne. And I had the color of your jumper, a hot pink feature wall that I painted. And I had my little sports car that I drove around town. I was just, you know, anything I wanted, I had. You know, just the most self-indulgent life.

All my friendship needs were met. My family was there. I had everything happening and nothing stood in my way. Wow. It sounds like a sort of episode of Sex and the City. I think that's what I was striving for. Certainly amazing. So, well, listen, what changed?

When did you decide that actually I want to start properly finding the man of my life? Well, what I would say is, yes, I've just given this incredibly positive description of that 10 years, but I could also go back and describe that 10 years as incredibly lonely. Really? Because I mean, that's absolutely not what you've just described. I know. Sure, that was part of the lived experience. But if I'm really honest, yes, I'd be out and about doing my thing, but I'd be back

on my couch by myself on a Saturday night. It was the intimate connection that wasn't there. And I denied it for such a long time. You know, I would outwardly say things like, I'm single and fabulous. You know, I thought I was Samantha Jones. I don't need a man. You know, I don't need a partner.

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which, hang on, must have been last year, maybe about 18 months ago, I mainly hated it because, as you've just said, I was so lonely. And I'm not a lonely person. I really enjoy, you know, you can hear just by the way we're chatting, I just won't stop talking. I bother people on the street. You know, I'm one of those annoying people. So, I was so sad and so lonely not having my other half there to play with. So even though I had my amazing friends and I love my job, I recognize what you're saying, which is just there's something in the heart of you, isn't there, of I just want to be loved. I just want my other half to be with. So I get that. So how did you find

your husband? Well, I got to about 39 and I do think it was the wanting my teammate, you know, wanting my person to do this thing called life with me. That was what was driving me. to do this thing called life with me. That was what was driving me. And I was sick of, I started to notice my own patterns. Oh, interesting. Okay. Yeah. I was going into these situations on a conscious level, telling myself I'm ready for a relationship and I'm really excited about this date and I really want to meet this guy and all of this kind of positive stuff. But beneath the surface, I was putting up all these barriers and my girlfriends used to say I had F off written across my forehead when it came to guys. They'd come up to me, can I buy you a drink?

And I'd be like, no, I can buy my own drink. Why would I want you to buy me a drink? You know, really defensive. Yeah, but even though you were ready to meet somebody. I thought I was ready. So that sort of subconscious behavior you were giving off was F off. Yeah. Don't need you. Yeah. So quite brittle. Yeah. Interesting. So what did you do to change it? Well, some very conscious things, actually. So I was at this point retraining as a coach, a personal coach, and then ended up becoming

a dating coach. So I was doing a lot of work around sort of shifting mindset and learning a lot about that sort of space. And I started to become very aware of the masculine versus feminine energy in all of us and was very aware that what I was putting out toward men, particularly on dates, was really masculine energy. So I wasn't, I mean, I'm five foot. How could I possibly intimidate anyone? But apparently I was getting the feedback that I was intimidating to men.

This is fascinating. It's hard to imagine little old me being intimidating, but I think I was quite abrasive. Even looking back at the way I would dress on a date, it would be quite tailored and almost corporate in the way. And so I made some really conscious decisions. I started wearing softer colors, maybe a frill, maybe even a floral. I even changed my perfume. It was soft and flowery and feminine and it just untapped something in me. Matt, I am so interested in what you're saying, because in a very strategic and almost calculated way and a very self-knowledgeable way, you're saying, I recognized that all the energy that I was giving off was too aggressive, was too, in inverted commas, masculine. And what was the effect?

I noticed I started to attract a different type of guy. So I wasn't attracting that guy who was wanting to, in Australia we'd call him a wombat because he eats roots and leaves. That guy. Yeah. I think we call them fuckboys here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was initially attracting those and I stopped attracting those. That wasn't all I did.

I also started changing the way I was representing my dating brand on my online platforms. Okay, what do you mean? So I started to lead with things like my values because I was learning at this point all about, you know, dating coaching and what predicts compatibility and partners and all that sort of stuff. So it was like this parallel process going on.

I was learning the theory, but I was also putting it into practice in my own dating life. Fascinating. So I thought, okay, I'm going to actually use my values here on my profile. You know, I think at the time I was really into things like having adventure, sort of flexibility, spontaneity in my life. And so I just made sure those kind of themes were scattered throughout my profile. And it really put off guys who weren't into that sort of thing, you know. Just scattering in other values that might be a bit softer or more adult maybe.

What I was doing, I can see now looking back, is I was making the outside match the inside. Ah, that's interesting. In terms of Rachel's dilemma, do you think that there's an optimum time for her to start dating again? I would say to Rachel to be on her own until she feels that she doesn't need a partner. So having had that serial monogamous past like yourself, getting to that point where I'm complete and having a great partner will just be an additive to my life.

I see what you're saying, actually. And again, if I apply this back to my own life, even though I didn't necessarily enjoy the year that I spent on my own, I definitely was getting to the point where I knew that I was okay, that I could do it without somebody else. maybe I made a conscious decision around I'm now ready to meet somebody rather than, as you say, I need to meet somebody. And then, of course, I think that when you've spent that time on your own, you're then quite picky about what you will and will not accept and put up with. Yeah. So you're right. That's great advice for Rachel to say, you know, be on your own until you don't need that person anymore. Actually, you just quite

fancy being with someone. Okay. Now I know you're happily married now and you've created your family. Yeah. So how did you meet your husband? Online. Really? And it was at a point when I finally got serious about it. You know, I took the mask off and I was honest with myself about what I really was looking for. And I only had probably four or five different dates with different people and I met him. And the difference was the intellectual connection. That's interesting.

So what was it that you were looking for? What was that? An equal. Okay. Yeah. An equal on so many levels, but also someone that I could learn from because I felt that a lot of the guys that I was connecting with, I felt like I was teaching them something or I was probably being incredibly patronizing and condescending toward them because I thought, you know, they need me. But I wanted to be with someone that I could see as an equal and learn something from every single day. And we connected and he lived in a different state from me. So we couldn't physically see each other yet. There was no video, you know, FaceTime or anything in those days, 12 years ago. Really? And so we were just physically see each other yet. There was no video, you know, FaceTime or anything in those days 12 years ago.

And so we were just texting all day every day for six weeks. Wow. And I couldn't have a phone call with him because I couldn't understand his accent. No. How? Where's he from? He's from Northern Ireland. Oh, wow.

I tried. I tried talking to him, could not understand what this man was saying. You needed Google Translate. I pretty much did. I thought, no, we'll go back to text. So he was in Australia, right? He was. Yeah, he was in Australia. Northern Irish, living in Australia. So you realised, okay, this guy's from Northern Ireland, but I can't understand a word he's saying. No, that's hilarious. So what happened then when you finally met? We finally met and had this whole weekend of dates and dinners and lunches and the whole thing and just talked each other's faces off

all weekend and it was so easy. Once I got over the initial hideous embarrassment because I just let go and just did everything that I would tell my clients not to do, told my whole life story in a really high-pitched voice, speaking really, really, really, really fast. I was dying of embarrassment. But what he did, he just, he leant across the table, put his hand on top of mine, and he just said, it's okay. You don't have to prove anything here.

Oh, my God, I love him. I love him. I just went, oh, felt my shoulders drop. I love that. I didn't do the dating app thing. I think partly because, you know, if you're on telly, but it's a bit weird sort of going, oh, hi, I'm that girl that looks at cocks for a minute. When I went on my first date with the guy that I'm seeing at the moment, I literally thought it was a job interview. I got my wires crossed with him because he runs a charity and I really wanted to do some volunteering. So he said to me,

why don't you come and have a cup of tea and we can talk more. And I took that to be, I'm going for a job interview. So I turned up in a suit, sort of like a notebook, and was sort of eagerly taking notes. and he did a similar thing of sort of reaching across the table and taking my hand and going let's talk about some other so let's talk about you a little bit at which point I thought oh my god I want a date mindset shift I know complete mindset shift but I love that about your other half that you were just able to then just take a breath and go yeah okay, it's okay. Yeah. Oh, God.

It's a good one. Now, look, I want to leave Rachel with some proper advice for her next steps. So what can she do today, Mel, to help her situation, do you think? Okay. I think the first thing Rachel needs to do is spend some time thinking about the way she thinks. needs to do is spend some time thinking about the way she thinks. She might like to write a letter to her ex, not to send to him, but just for herself as a process of letting go. Maybe burn it, you know, put it in a river. So what about if she did send it to her ex, especially if it was loving? I mean, I did that with my ex, with Charles.

It took me a few years, but I wrote him a letter just to say, look, perhaps I didn't behave amazingly actually towards the end of our relationship. And I am really, really sorry. So do you think sometimes it can be worth sending that letter? Because it's a lovely thing to receive. Absolutely. And I think there are two different purposes for writing those letters. I think when you wrote it, you wanted to seek forgiveness perhaps for some of that behaviour. So it was about the dynamic between the two of you. Yeah.

But here for Rachel, this is just about her. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, so this is her process of letting go. Yeah. And maybe part of that is putting in that letter. Look, I think I could have done this differently or I'm sorry. You know, really, I guess starting to unpick her strengths and her potential limitations

in relationships so that she can then start to take that into the next relationship. So I love that. I love that. Rachel, if you're listening, please do get in touch with us in a few weeks and just tell us how it's going because we are a community on this show. Talking of which, I want to say a really big thank you to everyone who've sent in dilemmas for the podcast. I feel like we're already starting to build a lovely podcasty family. And that's what I'm all about really is building that family. So thank you. That's what I'm all about, really, is building that family. So thank you. Now, Mel, I think we've got enough time to talk about some of the shorter dilemmas that our listeners have sent in. It's a quick fire advice round.

Okay. Are you ready? Okay. This is the first one from Hannah. So I'm 32 and I've always known that I want to be child-free. When is it okay to bring that up on a date? When do you have the, do you want kids, do you not want kids conversation? Is it day one? Is it day three? I have no idea. Help me out. Oh, wow. Wow. Hannah, you are not alone. This is a really

big question. And I hear this a lot from women who are making this choice and men, in fact, who are making this choice to be childless. It's becoming more and more common. I would say there is no such thing as too early. This is a controversial thing to say. If you're on a dating app, lead with it, write it in your profile, because this is actually a deal breaker for you. This is not negotiable. So why waste your time or someone else's time? Tell them up front. I'm totally with you on that. Thank you.

Well, actually, Hannah, you are not alone, as Mel says. A 2021 study of nearly 4,000 Americans found that a big chunk of that population is not planning on having kids. So in the study, 44% of adults without kids said that it was not too likely or not likely at all that they'll have kids someday. Wow, 44%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of those people without kids said that it's pretty unlikely that I'm going to want to go on and have children. So that number was up by 7% from 2018. So it's definitely on the increase. There's a lot of people like you out there. So I guess it's bound to become less of a big deal over time. But I definitely want to talk more about this in future episodes. So if you have a dilemma

around choosing to be child-free, just like Hannah, then please do get in touch. You can find out how in the show notes. Okay, Mel, here's the next one for you. This is from Ruth. Hey, Anna. It can't just be me who has friends that always ask me for advice about their toxic relationships, but then ignore every single word I say and continue to hang out with them. It's super draining to deal with. And I was wondering, does that make me a bad friend? Oh my God. I need to check who actually sent this in because I mean, it could be any one of my mates that, you know, over the last 50 years I've moaned to. Oh God, come on. Yeah. Oh, Ruth, how frustrating for you to sit there and give this

advice and then watch your friend completely do the opposite. Do you know what I would suggest here? And I can't take credit for this. A wonderful, wise friend of mine gave me this suggestion to actually say to the friend, do you want me to be a friend here or do you want advice? Oh, I love that. And give them the option. And if they say, I want your advice, then give the advice. And then you have recourse that if they don't follow it to say, hey, you told me you wanted my advice and you've not followed it. To be honest, Ruth, I think that, you know, it's your job, basically, that you just, you

have to listen to your mates, don't you? And you would, I would expect the same from my friends that no matter what they're going through, no matter how relentless, no matter how many times they're making the same mistake with the same person, you're right. You've just got to be a supportive, empathetic friend. And also think there but for the grace of God. Absolutely. So listen, Mel, you are phenomenal. I could talk to you all evening, really. There's a wealth of experience that you could just give to everybody here about how to navigate pain and heartbreak, but ultimately a rosy future. So thank you so much for being my first guest on It Can't Just Be Me and for sharing your

experiences so openly as well. I really do appreciate that. What a pleasure. I feel very privileged being your first guest. I've popped your cherry. Not for the first time. So we'll be back next week with another episode. But in the meantime, dear listeners, if you want to be part of the podcast, then please go to itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk and leave me a voice note with your dilemma, dot co dot uk and leave me a voice note with your dilemma or you can email it can't just be me at podimo dot com whether it's about love sex aging family motherhood kinks it doesn't matter honestly nothing's off limits and remember whatever you're dealing with it really isn't just you

from podimo and mags this has been it can't Just Be Me, hosted by me, Anna Richardson. The producer is Alice Homewood, with support from Laura Williams. The executive producer for Mags Creative is James Norman Fyfe. The executive producers for Podimo are Jake Chudnow and Matt White. Don't forget to follow the show and to listen ad-free. Subscribe to Podimo UK on Apple Podcasts.