It Can't Just Be Me - 11: Losing weight for my wedding? With Vicky Pattison

Episode Date: July 5, 2023

Everyone wants to look their best for their wedding, but is it healthy to lose weight just for the big day? In this episode Anna is joined by Geordie Shore icon, body positivity advocate and soon-to-be-bride Vicky Pattison. Together, the pair grapple with a dilemma from a nutritionist who’s feeling conflicted: she tells her engaged clients they shouldn't lose weight just to look 'better', but now her own big day is coming up she's tempted to shed some pounds for the sake of those photos. With the expert guidance of Anna Sinski, a psychotherapist and food coach, Anna and Vicky consider why people feel the pressure to lose weight ahead of a wedding, and how to manage this. To hear more from superstar guest, Vicky Pattison, you can listen to her podcast The Secret To, or follow her on Instagram and Twitter. Content Warning: This episode includes discussions around weight loss and body image. Please only listen if these kinds of conversations are helpful for you.…Have questions about sex? Divorce? Motherhood? Menopause? Mental health? With no topic off limits, Anna’s here to prove that whatever you’re going through, it’s not just you.If you have a dilemma you’d like unpacked, visit itcantjustbeme.co.uk and record a voice note. Or tell Anna all about it in an email to [e-mail] podcast contains adult themes that may not be suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. Please note that advice given on this podcast is not intended to replace the input of a trained professional. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional. From Podimo & Mags CreativeProducer: Alice Homewood with support from Laura WilliamsEditor: Charles TomlinsonTheme music: Kit MilsomExecutive producers for Podimo: Jake Chudnow and Matt WhiteFollow @annarichardso and @podimo_uk on Instagram for weekly updates Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All right. My name's Vic. And I'm Laura. And we are the comedy duo behind the filthy, bantered podcast, No Whole Spot. Join us each Tuesday as we tackle many subjects such as womanhood, sex, and sharing some of the most incredible confessions from our listeners. Like the time one of our listeners got her baguette-shaped log stuck in the toilet and had to smuggle it out in a carrier bag. listeners. Like the time one of our listeners got her baguette shaped log stuck in the toilet and had to smuggle it out in a carrier bag. Or the time a poor gentleman got his member caught in

something rather sticky and had to use a receipt as a plaster. No hole is too deep for us to dive into and no topic is too crude. So what are you waiting for? You can find No Holes Barred on whatever podcast platform you listen from. So all we've got left to say is see you next Tuesday. Oh, hello there. It's me, Anna Richardson, and you're listening to It Can't Just Be Me. Now, this week's dilemma is all about body image and losing weight and what to do when our thoughts don't exactly align with the values that we may preach to others. It's tricky to admit to, but it's something that I think plagues a lot more of us than we let on. Now, just a quick warning, today's episode touches on weight loss and body image. So if these types of conversations help you, then

carry on listening. But if it may be triggering or a bit too much for you, then feel free to skip this week's show. So let's get into it. Welcome to It Can't Just Be Me. Hi, Anna. Hey, Anna. Hey, Anna. Hi, Anna. Hey, Anna.

Hi, Anna. Hi, Anna. Hi, Anna. It can't just be me who's really struggling with staying faithful. I definitely got menopause brain. I really want children and he doesn't. I had feelings of jealousy. It's just all around the middle. I feel like a Teletubby.

And then I hated myself for feeling that way. If you've got any advice. I would really appreciate any advice. It can't just be me. It can't just be me, right? My guest today is the simply fabulous Vicky Patterson. From starting out on Geordie Shore to being crowned Queen of the Jungle in 2015, to successful author, podcaster and documentary maker, Vicky's 20s and 30s have been something of a rollercoaster. And it's

a rollercoaster she's invited us all to ride with her, being open and honest about the ups and downs along the way. She shared stories of her struggles with her body image and how she's worked hard over recent years to foster a more healthy relationship with the way she looks. One of the things I love about Vicky is the fact she presents herself on Instagram as a real, honest beauty, the kind that we're so often starved of on social media, let's face it. And you know what? She's also absolutely hilarious. So I knew she was exactly the right person to call to answer this week's dilemma.

Here she is, everyone. It's Vicky Patterson. Vicky Patterson, you absolute mega icon, you. Welcome to It Can't Just Be Me. How are you? I'm all right. Thank you, Petal. Sweating me tits off. I don't cope very well in the sunshine, but other than that, I'm good. How are you? I'm doing the same. Sweating me tits off. So I'm absolutely fine. And it's an absolute delight to have you here today because you and I have met each other before when I had a real blast on your podcast. So thank you, thank you, thank you for returning the favour. And I have to say, I think you're the perfect person to help with our listeners dilemma today, which is all about body image and weddings. All right.

Oh yeah. Proper my sweet spot, innit? That really is. I thought that would tickle you. But before we get stuck in each week, I asked my guests to get a little bit open and honest with me by sharing their own, it can't just be me dilemma. So what you got for us, Vicky P? Right. Okay. I'll tell you what I've got here. I feel like it can't just be me. It feels like a really toxic headspace, but I feel like I have to earn my holidays. I know. And the gasp tells us what I already knew.

You've just confirmed it, that it's not healthy. But I'm going away to Jamaica with Erkan in like 10 days. Yeah. And I'm dead excited. I can't wait. But it feels like in order to deserve those 10 days away from like work and life and all of the stresses that I've got to like almost double down on it all now. So I'm working twice as hard.

I'm cramming everything in. And I'm like, I feel like if I keep going at this pace, I'm going to go on holiday like I always do. Almost burnt out and exhausted. And I just feel like it can't just be me, but I know it's not right. That really isn't just you, but I'm intrigued about the fact that this is your basic human right to go on holiday. You don't have to double down on work and sort of do three times as much. I mean, it is your right to go away. Do you just feel guilty? I think it's an amalgamation of things. Like I'm a bit

of a workaholic anyway. I do consider myself defined a lot by my career and by my work ethic, you know, like I've always thought you can be better looking than me. You can be more talented than me, but you will not work harder than me. That's always what I've sort of thought. And I think I wear it a bit like a badge of honour. And I don't know, the fact that I'm getting these 10 days off, which I feel super privileged and grateful to be able to have, I think I have to earn them. Can I just tell you something? You don't. And I reckon, I think that you and I need to riot. I'm going to drill it into you. It's your basic human right to go away. No, you do not have to double down on work.

All right? So I'm giving you permission. Vicky P, relax. Okay. But thank you very much for sharing that. Now, you are going to be delighted to hear that it's not just you and me chewing the fat today because I've also invited Anna

Sinski to join us. Anna is not only a psychotherapist, but also a food coach. So really, we've got a bit of a dream team going on today. Thanks so much for joining us, Anna. Pleasure to be here. Thank you very much. Okay, then, Vicky, Anna, I think it's time that we had a listen to today's dilemma. Now, remember, listeners, if you want some advice from a star, from an expert, and of course, little old me, then please do get in touch. You can leave me a voice note at itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk or you can email me at itcan'tjustbeme at podimo.com.

Today's dilemma is from Meg in Staffordshire. Here we go. So here's my dilemma. I'm a nutritionist. So naturally, I see and speak to a lot of women who want to change their body shape. Quite often, these women are already a healthy weight, but they want to look different, feel different, and believe that society says they should conform to a certain body type. So as you can imagine, quite difficult sometimes to explain to them that they don't actually need to change their body shape. They're already healthy. Now, for quite a lot of these women, there is usually a life event, such as a wedding or a party or something like that that they want to achieve a certain weight or a certain look by. I've always previously thought

you know healthy is for life and there's no point changing your body shape for a one-off event it should be something that you do and feel passionate about day in day out however my dilemma is that I am actually myself getting married later this year and it isn't until now that I also feel the pressure myself to change my own body shape for my wedding day although I am a healthy weight so I am now in the position of a lot of my clients and it's very difficult to navigate so should we accept that for one-off events in life such as weddings people might want to change their body shapes and that's fine because it's probably the only day that they're going to be having a wedding and want to change their body shapes and that's fine because it's probably the only day that they're going to be having a wedding and want to feel their very best or should this be absolutely not okay and as health professionals should we be advocating that women don't do this

and they stay exactly as they are and if that's already healthy then then that's great just because myself now I'm in a position where I am debating whether to also try and change my own body shape for my wedding day I feel that this is quite a difficult one thank you oh this is a fascinating one for the girls and everybody else out there that's about to get married. Now, Vicky, I'm going to start with you because you are getting married soon as well. So you've got quite a lot in common with Meg here. What is your initial reaction to this dilemma? I feel for Meg, to be honest with you, and I can understand why she's conflicted. Obviously, she's spent her whole life dishing out one certain type of advice, and now she's finally

in that position herself, and she feels somewhat hypocritical. But I feel like she's probably been a little bit too hard on herself. Like, there's nothing wrong with preaching being happy and healthy and not putting unnecessary pressure on yourself for the big day. But also like, there's nothing wrong with also wanting to look your best as well. It's a really tough situation to be in. I will say this. I've got a wedding planner who's like really lovely. And she said to me, she was like, are you going to go on some crazy diet for your wedding? And I was like, I don't think so. I was like, I'm kind of quite happy with my body shape. Like I might tone up a bit just so like I'm good from all those candid angles and that, and I can just really relax on the day. And she said, right, great. She went,

because one of the biggest bugbears of mine is brides losing too much weight for their big day. I thought you were going to say one of her biggest bugbears is brides. And I was looking at you like, you're in the wrong job, love. Right. So brides losing weight for the big day. Too much weight. Yeah. And she gets it like naturally going to want to have the best pictures and feel your best and all the rest of it. So she understands what she says. Wedding dresses look great when women are healthy, when women have curves, when women have a bit of boobs, a bit of butt, whatever it is, like they look amazing. And she says like so many times she's had wedding dresses ruined because they have to be taken in and taken in and taken in to accommodate a bride's ever shrinking frame. And actually that's just not how they were made. They're meant to suit a woman's

shape. Yeah, it's so interesting. Well, listen, although you are a body positivity advocate now, you have had very openly a fraught relationship with your own body. And I think that you said it's the most sort of dysfunctional relationship that you've ever had. Can you just tell us a little bit more about that, Vicky, so we know more about you. I mean, obviously, I'm approaching this now from a place of real sort of contentment. I'd never say any woman's 110% happy with her body because it's just human to kind of have some insecurities, isn't it? But I'm happy now. However, like, sort of starters for anybody who's not familiar with me, this isn't the first time I've nearly been married. Like, I was engaged about five, six years ago to somebody else and it didn't work out for

the best really. I'm really a huge believer in the universe. Anyway, I at that time had like a dedicated Instagram called Vicky's Bridal Bod or something like that. And it was all about like me being in pursuit of getting a better body for my wedding. You know, I was documenting like the salads I was having and the workouts I was doing and the different things I was trying, the different exercise classes. So listen, like I'm happy now, but this definitely hasn't always been the person I am, you know? So I've had a complicated relationship with my body, even in recent years. And I think the road to learning to love yourself is quite a complicated and convoluted one. So you have learned to accept yourself. Now, I hear what you're saying that we're never 100% happy. It's just human nature, isn't it? And I think especially for females, we're constantly critical of ourselves because of

societal pressures, etc. But how did you learn to ultimately accept where you're at with your body now? It's a good question. And I think it's an amalgamation of things. And like, this might sound like a bit of a cop out, but I definitely think getting older just really helps. Yeah. Like in my twenties, I was so wracked with insecurity

and crippling self-doubt that I hated most things about myself. You know, I think it was exacerbated by the fact that I was like propelled into the spotlight at quite a young age. And it wasn't just my voice in my head saying like, you look really big there, Vic, or whatever. It was also like Deborah from Barnsley. So 20s for me were just hard learning to kind of like accept my curves or lack thereof in some places, you know, I have absolutely zero butt and that's okay with me. So I think it's, it was a hard one for me learning to figure out how I felt about my body while also having everyone else have an opinion on it, you know know so my 30s were a really liberating decade so far I just care less what other people think I also see my body as less of

like a superficial vessel and I'm more grateful for what it does for us like I'm a great man to my dogs which is a crazy thing to say but it's because I train and I exercise and stuff I can go on really long walks with them and give them the life they deserve you know like I'm grateful to it for that I'm also grateful that I've been able to like freeze my eggs and I look at it more in that sense you know what it's capable of rather than just like how good it looks in a dress so yeah my 30s have been proper eye openers in terms of learning to love the skin I was in. But also I've just found a bit of balance as well, which helps. Do you know what? You've encapsulated something so beautiful in this, I think, the fact that you're getting older and just that shift in perspective of this is not

just about image, it's about health and it's about what my body can do for me. And I have to say, for me in my 50s, you definitely reach that point. When you get into your 50s, you start looking at, I'm just so grateful that my body is actually healthy. However, this is a brilliant point to bring in our food coach, Anna. So Anna, you are a psychologist as well as a food coach. And like Meg, you help people to build healthy relationships with food. So I can imagine that you can immediately relate to this dilemma. Have you ever found yourself conflicted between what you tell your clients and that personal pressure that you might be feeling from society as well. Does that make sense? Oh yeah. I think every psychotherapist can relate to this on one level or another. And I

think we all live in this society that really values looks and really values appearance. And I think also often as women, we're taught that to be attractive is to be a certain body type and so we learn to associate being attractive with being smaller looking like this rather than feeling attractive or you know feeling good about yourself or feeling healthy and I think myself I have also you know been stuck in that for sure there have been many times where that would also get to me so I think it's kind of continuous work on yourself and continuous work on like loving yourself and I guess caring more about how you feel and how your life feels rather than what it looks like. I love that. So in a way, both you and

Vicky are saying the same thing, which is, you know, it's less about how you look and more about health and how you feel. So just generally speaking, when your clients come to see you, what bothers them when it comes to food and appearance? What are you finding? Is there a common theme? Yeah, I'd say that quite a common theme is that people come and they say, oh my God, I'm binging all the time. I'm overeating. I can't control myself. I'm out of control. That's why I'm gaining weight. And very often what they don't understand is that the binge actually comes from restriction. So we need to learn to fuel our bodies and actually eat consistently and eat mindfully to not get to the point of the binge. The binge is your body's really smart response to the restriction. So that's often a key point on learning to love the mechanism of,

wow, my body's looking out for me. So I'd say that this kind of restriction and binge cycle is probably one of the most common things that people see me. Really, really interesting. I mean, I can, by the way, totally relate to all of this because I've had my own very public disordered journey with my own body and eating and I know exactly where my issues with food come from. So under hypnosis, I remembered that when I was four years old, my mum got rushed off to hospital to go and have my little brother. But she was in hospital for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks. So as a four-year-old kid, I woke up one morning

to discover that my mum had disappeared. So as a child, I was incredibly anxious about the fact my mum had gone and she was sick, in inverted commas. So to try and help me with the sort of shock of the fact mum had gone, my dad tried to feed me to try and comfort me with food. So that's why when I feel sad or rejected or upset or whatever, I turn to food. So I totally understand that it's an emotional issue. But Anna, let me ask you this. But Anna, let me ask you this. I mean, Meg talks about the fact that she tells clients to pursue health over conforming to societal standards of beauty. Why is it that we don't necessarily correlate a healthy weight with a desirable weight? Well, I think there's two things here. I mean,

first of all, I think sometimes we can get into a bit of black and white thinking around this. Like either I care about my appearance and it's unhealthy and I'm going to extremes or I don't care at all. And sometimes there's a middle ground where you can care about your appearance and find things that make you feel attractive, whether that's outfits or fashion or makeup or hair or just hobbies or something like that, that really fills you up and makes you feel attractive and at the same time still make it healthy. So I think we can kind of find the middle ground of how can I still feel attractive in my best and really actually care about my appearance too, but not in an unhealthy extreme way. So I'd say that's one thing. And I think also we all have very different bodies. And

once you start eating mindfully and you address any potential traumas and you start eating what your body actually needs, you're probably going to get to a set weight, like a kind of window of weight that your body wants to be at and needs to be at because of what you personally need. that your body wants to be at and needs to be at because of what you personally need. And sometimes that set point weight, that actually healthy weight for you, doesn't correlate to the current beauty standard. And for a lot of people, they will then, you know, look on Instagram or in a magazine or somewhere else and be like,

oh my God, I don't look like that. So therefore I'm unhealthy. And we do have to kind of understand that these beauty standards are always changing. That's true. A lot of them are Photoshop. A lot of them are not real as well. What do you think, Vicky? I mean, it's interesting, isn't it? That what is a healthy weight for some people is not necessarily the beauty standard. So, like, I know when I'm going to the gym and training, you know, I get stronger, I look leaner and like my weight won't change, but I just feel better about myself, more capable, healthier, stronger. And when I'm stressed, when I'm busy, when I haven't got as much time to exercise or train,

like I get slightly bigger and like with my schedule and life being the way it is, I've just kind of had to accept that, you know, there are going to be times when I can give that more dedication than I was. And I try not to beat myself up over it, but I try not to beat myself up over it for all the reasons you've just mentioned there, Anna. Like the beauty standards are constantly changing. Like if you look at the juggernaut, the powerhouse, that is the Kardashians, right? That for the last, say, 10 years have completely told us like big bums curvy like this is what's in and you know i'm not here to argue about whether it's natural or not everybody's got their own opinions on it but like all of a sudden overnight they just changed they're all skinny now and we've

all got to be really skinny like i'm so sorry but fuck off like how when did you fuck off just have my tits done now you want me to be thin yeah and what what about all these women who have just gone and got surgery to have big butts or trained relentlessly to have like larger glutes whatever it is like if you're constantly in pursuit of like what somebody else's thinks is attractive then you're never going to be happy. You're never going to accept yourself. So no, I try not to get too bogged down in what everybody else is saying is attractive and good. And I don't know, I like feeling strong. I like it when my clothes fit nice and I like it when I'm not stressed on a red carpet. That is literally it. We're talking specifically about weddings here and it seems that Meg isn't alone in feeling this pressure, by the way, girls.

So I couldn't find a study for the UK, but a 2019 study in Toronto, Canada, found that 62% of brides wanted to lose weight for their big day. Why is it that so many women are so desperate to lose weight specifically for their wedding? What are we saying here, girls? That statistic doesn't surprise me. Does it shock either of you? No. No, I would have thought it would be higher, actually. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe Canadians are quite well-adjusted, you know, a bit more measured than us. They have got a reputation as being super nice. So I don't know. Like, I think it's huge pressure and the wedding industry, it's grown, hasn't it? We've gone from like cute little ceremonies and like your nearest and dearest celebrating the fact that you're getting married or you're in love or whatever it is to like huge, great, big affairs. I'm not judging at all. Mine's going to absolutely pack a wallop and be such an experience. So no, I'm not being disparaging about that, but I just think it's a lot of pressure, isn't it?

And for some of these gorgeous women, it'll be the first time of being on show in that capacity, you know? So I just think it's a reaction to the pressure, predominantly, I would say. That is interesting. I mean, Anna, what do you think? Is it that this is the first time for so many of us

that we're going to be on show? Is that the reason why we want to lose weight? I think a part of it is, again, that we're taught, you know, being attractive is so tied to weight. We don't think, oh, being attractive. Okay, I want this type of makeup or this kind of hair or, you know, we don't really think about these things as much because society just drills it into us, like be skinny or be like this. And,

you know, they're all contradictions as well, like we said, and they keep changing. But I think it's also to do with the fact that there is immense pressure in the sense of you're getting married. And very often, I think women are taught to place their value on, am I married? Do I have someone? Do I have a partner? So I actually think it's a wider kind of societal thought. I mean, that is fascinating that we could get into the whole kind of like patriarchal construct of marriage and society. So let me drill down a little bit more into this. As women, Vicky, you're about to get married, right? Anna, are you married? Yes, I am.

Oh, and did you lose weight for your wedding? Thank you. Did I lose weight for my wedding? At the time, I had a pretty bad relationship with my body, and I did. Yeah. Interesting. I mean, I've got to say, if I were ever to get married, nobody's asked me yet, just putting it out there, but waiting,

I would probably do the same thing. I'd probably want to lose married. Nobody's asked me yet, just putting it out there, but waiting. I would probably do the same thing. I'd probably want to lose weight. So who is it that we want to be skinny for on our wedding day? Who is it? Because our other half loves us. So who is it? I think that for me, I mean, if I was to get married now, I don't think I would do that again. I kind of had to go through the process of, oh my God, if I'm the skinniest version of myself, then I'm going to be the happiest version of myself. And I have to be a certain size to be super happy and look great and all of that. And I think I did that and nothing changed in my life. So I think sometimes you go through these toxic patterns and you realize, wow,

at the end of the day, I'm still just me. And actually, I just need to work on stuff within myself and not externally. But I think at the time, what I was thinking was, oh, I need to look good for the pictures. So again, I mean, Vicky, I'm sure you can appreciate this, that yes, we're going to be on display. The slimmer you are, then the more approved of you are from the congregation, your friends and families. Is that what we're saying? That other people will look at you and go, doesn't she look so beautiful? Doesn't she look slim? Honestly, I feel like definitely like you want to feel a million dollars, don't you? But as we all know, and me from personal experience,

like I have been really curvy. That didn't bring me happiness. And then I've also been very skinny. And that also didn't answer all my problems either. That didn't bring... I just was really hungry and had a very big head in comparison to my body. I went through the exact same thing. You know, both things don't make you happy.

They don't. They don't. So it's not for us, clearly. It's for other people's approval. I don't know what the psychology of it is. I'm no expert, but like, it's so nice. Even just on like a random Thursday when someone's like,

oh God, have you lost weight? You look great. Like, I'm sorry. I can be as evolved as I want, but I still do like hearing those compliments. So on the biggest day of your life, you're going to want to hear, you look amazing. You look so slim. Granted, I would love to hear you look strong and happy as well. Like I've definitely moved on slightly from my toxic thought process, but no, we want to hear it mate from everybody, unfortunately. Do you know, it's really interesting that you've said that Vickyicky because i work with a personal trainer at the moment i'm doing that thing that

you girls are on as well which is having a healthier relationship with my body and wanting to be strong and my trainer said to me the other day people want to hear you've lost weight more than i love you so isn't that interesting isn't that interesting and there's something in that isn't there that yeah you've just said it yourself Vicky that when someone goes god you look have you lost weight it gives us that massive serotonin that dopamine hit where we're like oh yeah I've lost weight rather than someone going oh you know I love you babe do you know it's so it's so weird scary it's really sad in Isn't it? That's really sad, isn't it? I think that's sad. It is bonkers.

Weirdly, because there's been a lot of messaging about body positivity over recent years, and I think as you've said as well, Vicky, about the fact that our aesthetic ideal is constantly shifting, and at the moment we're in that, you know, great sort of healthy cycle of, look, however you look, if you're healthy, be happy. But weirdly, do you think that this may be making some people feel ashamed about wishing to lose weight for their wedding? Does that make sense? Because I'm conscious of the fact that there's going to be people listening that would like to lose a little bit of weight for the wedding. So are we then shaming them by going,

no, don't worry about it? What do we think? I feel like with anything, people get carried away and things get polarised. You know, it's divisive. So there's people really advocating aggressively on either side of it. And I just think, like anything, everybody just needs to, I suppose, be a little bit more compassionate and tolerant of people on either side. You know, there are going to be some people who like so much of their self-esteem is wrapped up in being slim or feeling good. And as long as they're not hurting anybody, then I just say, let them crack on. Similarly, there's people on the other side of it, you know, and I just feel like if we could all be a bit more kind, compassionate and live and let live, there would be less shame

about whatever we're deciding to do, you know? So I think we need to take a good, hard look at ourselves, actually. Yeah, I think, you know, I mean, shame is never productive. Like it doesn't achieve anything. It just makes everyone feel bad. And, you know, at the end of the day, we do live in this looks obsessed society. And it really takes a lot to build that relationship with the self and with your body where you're like, I'm happy as I am. Interesting. Interesting. So I get it. Okay. So Meg is in this really horrible position of essentially not wanting to be a health hypocrite, but also secretly wanting to lose a couple of pounds for a big day. And I think we've all agreed as girls around the table, we're all in that same situation. So I want to leave Meg with some concrete advice on how she should approach this.

So Anna, I'm going to come to you first as a psychotherapist, as a food coach. If you do want to lose weight for a specific event, like a wedding, what's the healthy way to do so? Well, as a psychotherapist, I'm always kind of looking for more context. So I think it's also going to depend on whether you have a history of really serious disordered eating. Because if you do, then I think it can be a bit more dangerous. But assuming you don't, I think that the healthiest way to lose weight is to eat mindfully. So actually check in with yourself. Am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Am I full now? I think it's a really good question to ask yourself, when do I feel on the inside, like feel

attractive? And for a lot of people that comes down to being present and really enjoying connections with people or their hobbies or their interests or laughing or making jokes. And all of these habits of like constantly obsessing over a body image, over food, it makes you less present. So even though you're trying to get more connection, feeling more attractive on the inside, you often start feeling more disconnected and less attractive to yourself because you're just not present. So that's the healthy, mindful way to just listen to your body and enable you, if you want to shift a few pounds, to do it for your wedding. Vicky, what would your concrete advice be to Meg? As somebody who's like in this position, kind of myself, like there's just no way I'm going to spend the next 18 months not having like pasta and crisps

and cake and wine like the things I really love like I will be really miserable and I want to enjoy every single step of the wedding process so I know I will feel similar pressures to Meg and like you've just got to be prepared for it so instead of like depriving myself of the things I love that make us happy and ruining the run-up to my wedding, I'm probably just going to train more. I'm going to go at the gym. I'm going to move my body. I'm going to do Pilates. I'm going to walk the dogs. I'm going to make my body healthy and strong. And I'm going to subsequently feel better for it and also look better for it. And I still get to have cakes and that. also look better for it. And I still get to have cakes and that. So that would be my best advice is like, just please be kind to yourself. Know your gorgeous, whatever size or shape. But if you are wanting to be more toned, look smaller, whatever it is, like I always feel like exercise

is pretty much the answer to most things. Move your body is the answer to loads of stuff. As long as you enjoy that exercise, I think that is very, very important. Like I think finding a type of exercise you enjoy, again, that adds to your life, like that adds to that pleasure that you feel. Yeah, because ultimately, we've missed a little point here about pleasure, that food and movement should be pleasurable, shouldn't it? And as you say, Vicky, you might still want to treat yourself because it's pleasure. Otherwise, you know, what's life all about? Just balance that with some healthy movement. Right, Meg, if you're listening, thank you so much for sending in your dilemma. It certainly isn't just you who finds it hard to practice what you preach. I think, as you can see

from the three girls sitting around this table, when it comes to body image, but whatever you decide to do, you'll look beautiful on your big day. You're going to be a bride. You're going to look amazing. So good luck. And Vicky, Anna, thank you so much for joining me on today's episode. However, you may think that your work here is done. It's not. I'm going to squeeze some more pearls of wisdom out of you both because I've got two more quick-fire dilemmas for you. Are you ready? Yep. Vicky P?

Yes. Anna, ready? Now, this one came through via email from a reader who wants to stay anonymous. So I'll be reading it out. Here we go. Hey, Anna. I've been with a much younger man for two years and we've had a lot of ups and downs, Here we go. distant with me. He ended it by saying that I couldn't be faulted, but in his future, he saw himself having a legacy of kids, which I couldn't give him. I'm completely devastated. Vicky, come

on, what are we saying? Give me your quick, far thoughts on this. I'm so sorry, and I know that you lovely ladies are going to have something more profound to add to this, but he just sounds like a proper knob. Honestly, I wouldn't listen to anything he's saying there at all. It's no reflection on you whatsoever. I think he's problematic. I think you deserve better. And I don't think you should waste another second of your time worrying about him. Anna, you're the psychotherapist. How can we help this woman get over this vile, vile heartache? Oh, gosh. I mean, it sounds like a terrible situation on so many levels.

I would say give yourself the time and space to heal from this relationship. And maybe, you know, write about it or paint about it or sing about it, something like that. I think art can really, really be very helpful when you're going through heartbreak. So express your feelings, whatever they are. Give yourself the space to feel everything in this space. My ex was a nubhead. Yeah, like that. Exactly. And you will feel better. You know, shout and scream, express, dance, do a little song.

I'm not an asshole. I think if Ava can do it, we can do it, girls. It sounds to me like we've got a bit of an unfiltered consensus of what a prick. Yeah. Okay. I've got a slightly easier one for you now, ladies. This dilemma is from Shirley, who shared her dilemma with us at the Postcards from Midlife event. Here we go. Hi, I'm Shirley. I used to be a professional dancer on cruise ships. I'm from Newcastle.

I'm now working digital change. And my dilemma is around my clothes because I do love what I wear and I love my bright colours, but I always wear a bright coloured jazzy jacket with jeans. So help me decide how to get out of my clothes rot and find a new look for me. I would be ever so happy. Thank you. I mean, girls, a jazzy jacket with jeans?

What is not to love with that, Cheryl? Right, OK, wardrobe shake-up. Now, here's the thing. I could get really profound on this, ladies, because I think it sort of messes with your identity. What are we saying? I mean, I kind of agree. Shirley sounds like a scream. She's obviously full of fun, like big personality. And I reckon the way she's described her wardrobe kind of represents that. Like, I'd say if it's not broke, don't fix it, lass. Like, you sound great. I'm 100% with you on that. You go for those sparkly jackets. You know, a little Bolero sparkly sequin with a high worsted jean.

Shirley, don't shake up your wardrobe. You stay being the fabulous cruise ship dancing girl that you are, lady. We need that. We need that in this life. Vicky, it has been an absolute delight to have you on It Can't Just Be Me. Thank you for being so generous with your advice today, particularly when you're working so hard because you're trying to reward yourself for going on holiday

and your bridezilla at the moment as well, trying to plan for your big day. I hope to be able to see you in the actual flesh sometime soon as well. Oh, me too. And of course, thank you, Anna. It's been fabulous having you on the show. I'll be back next week with another episode of It Can't Just Be Me.

In the meantime, if you want to give me a bell or send an email to me all about what's going on in your life, please do. You can either leave me a voice note at itcantjustbeme.co.uk or you can email itcantjustbeme at podimo.com. And remember, whatever you're dealing with, whether it's love, sex, families, friend trouble, or anything in between, I want to hear from you. Nothing's off limits. You know me,

because do you know what? It really isn't just you. Because you know what? It really isn't just you. From Podimo and Mags, this has been It Can't Just Be Me, hosted by me, Anna Richardson. The producer is Alice Homewood, with support from Laura Williams. The executive producer for Mags Creative is James Norman Fyfe. The executive producers for Podimo are Jake Chudnow and Matt White. Don't forget to follow the show show or to listen ad-free. Subscribe to Podimo UK on Apple Podcasts.