It Can't Just Be Me - 12: Do I have ADHD? With Shaparak Khorsandi

Episode Date: July 12, 2023

Ever wondered if you have ADHD? In the past it seemed like this was a label reserved only for naughty boys, but these days more adults than ever are being diagnosed with the condition. Which begs the ...question: do some of us have it and don't even know? In this episode Anna is joined by comedian Shaparak Khorsandi, whose life was transformed for the better when she was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) in her forties. With the support of NHS consultant psychiatrist Dr Jessica Eccles, Anna and Shaparak explore how ADHD can affect us as adults, and what we can do if we suspect we have it.We want to thank the wonderful Sarah and Chris from the online community HeyDHD who helped us out for this episode. You can follow them here.To learn more about Shaparak’s ADHD journey, you can read her book Scatterbrain, available in all good bookshops. And you can find out more information about Dr Eccles' research at @drbendybrain.…Have questions about sex? Divorce? Motherhood? Menopause? Mental health? With no topic off limits, Anna’s here to prove that whatever you’re going through, it’s not just you.If you have a dilemma you’d like unpacked, visit itcantjustbeme.co.uk and record a voice note. Or tell Anna all about it in an email to itcantjustbeme@podimo.comThis podcast contains adult themes that may not be suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. Please note that advice given on this podcast is not intended to replace the input of a trained professional. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional. From Podimo & Mags CreativeProducer: Alice Homewood with support from Laura WilliamsEditor: Pulama KaufmanTheme music: Kit MilsomExecutive producers for Podimo: Jake Chudnow and Matt WhiteFollow @annarichardso and @podimo_uk on Instagram for weekly updates Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:59 So just search for Go Love Yourself wherever you get your podcasts. Have you ever wondered if you have ADHD? I have to admit, there are days when I feel totally distracted, unable to concentrate, and just downright overwhelmed. And the thought does occasionally cross my mind. But at what point does everyday stress become something more complex? And why does it seem like more adults than ever are being diagnosed? Let's see if we can find out. Welcome to It Can't Just Be Me. Hi, Anna. Hey, Anna.
Starting point is 00:01:36 Hey, Anna. Hi, Anna. Hey, Anna. Hi, Anna. Hi, Anna. Hi, Anna. It can't just be me who's really struggling with staying faithful. I definitely got menopause brain. I
Starting point is 00:01:46 really want children and he doesn't. I have feelings of jealousy. It's just all around the middle. I feel like a Teletubby. And then I hated myself for feeling that way. If you've got any advice. I would really appreciate any advice. It can't just be me. It can't just be me right. I'm joined in the studio today by comedian, writer and activist Shapirat Kassandi. Now, Shappi was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in 2016 and has just written a book all about her experiences called Scatterbrain. I mean, it couldn't be a more perfect title. For Shappi, her diagnosis was the first step towards living a better life. She says, when I was finally diagnosed in my 40s,
Starting point is 00:02:32 it felt like the lights had been turned on after a lifetime in the dark. What an image. So who better to help us learn all about ADHD? Let's get cracking. Shapparat Kusandi, hello and welcome. Can I call you Shappi? Yes, you can. Thank you. How are you?
Starting point is 00:02:49 I'm really well, thank you. It's nice to see you. Nice to be here. But you haven't got your specs on. I know you feel a bit discombobulated. I know, but I'm going to get over it. It's that you're blurry, but I've seen you before. So I'm just channeling that. I know it's you. That's all you need. And we're just going to focus on sound today anyway. But I'm so pleased that you could join me, not least because you've released a new book, Scatterbrain, which is all about your late diagnosis of ADHD. So I'm really interested to get your take specifically on today's dilemmas. But before we dive into some deep advice, I want to ask you
Starting point is 00:03:22 about your own, it can't just be me dilemma. So what have you brought in for us, Shappi? Oh, do you know what? I'm going to sound so judgmental. I'm going to sound so judgmental. But it can't just be me who judges people for going on holiday to Dubai. I'm with you. No, I'm 100% with you with you if you've got all that money why would you think I'm going to go somewhere for my holidays that has artificial rain what to make the Europeans feel more at home yeah or just to make people survive the heat because they've got workers who have to go out in that heat and work it's unbearable there's just something about going there on holiday specifically if you work there that's
Starting point is 00:04:06 not my business but if you've got the money to go to all the different places in the world and you choose to go somewhere that went straight from the push bike to the mercedes-benz with no culture happening in between i'm afraid i judge you i'm with you so let's go full 100% judge. I went on this Dubai rant to one of the dads at the school gate recently and he listened politely and then he went, that's where we got engaged. That was ADHD. Oh my God, what's being totally inappropriate. Yeah, there was no need to go on a rant about Dubai to a dad at school that I barely know. Don't worry about it. No judgment here. No judging your judging.
Starting point is 00:04:47 No judging the judging. You know, let's just judge. Do you feel lighter now? I do feel better. And you know what? If some people hate me for this, I'll live with it. I hope you can cope. So it's time to move on to our main topic for the day, namely ADHD. And to help us with that, we're joined by Dr. Jessica Eccles, who is a consultant psychiatrist and trained in the assessment of neurodevelopmental conditions, including ADHD. Jess, hello and welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. Not at all. It's lovely to see your smiley face in here. Now, you appeared in a recent Channel 4 documentary about ADHD with Sam Thompson from Made in Chelsea. And you were involved in exploring with Sam whether he actually had ADHD.
Starting point is 00:05:32 So we're really thrilled to have a bona fide expert in this area today. So thank you so much, Jess. Can we start off with you? Could you just give us a bit of a summary about what ADHD actually is, please? So there's lots of misconceptions and rumours and things about ADHD. So people typically think of ADHD as being sort of boisterous schoolboys who get into trouble. But what we know is that ADHD is much more than hyperactivity and boisterousness. So in girls and women, this can be kind of daydreamy or inattentive. But there are big things about
Starting point is 00:06:16 ADHD that not everyone is aware of. So that's about how quickly emotions can change and go from 0 to 60, how much mental activity someone with ADHD may experience, so constant thoughts which can make it hard to relax, hard to unwind, hard to go to sleep. Sometimes it can bring some wonderful things like creativity, thinking on the spot, and passion for all sorts of things. So ADHD is something that has to have been present in childhood. And there are different ways of approaching it and managing it, which I'm sure we can talk about. We will absolutely discuss that. Thank you, Jess. Shappi, if I come to you, I'm interested in what ADHD means for you because it it was diagnosed for you later in life so how has it affected your life? Oh massively massively it's like I've got a
Starting point is 00:07:14 new life now it's really beautiful the way I manage my life now and where my head is now but that started to happen before diagnosis because you know I'm not an idiot I knew that there was something amiss did you I did yeah and so the school days were the most debilitating because I am a geek without portfolio so all my friends were the super clever people that were in the highest stream so I went to a comprehensive where, depending on how you did on the 11 plus, you got put in band. So all my friends were in band one, the accelerated learning, and I was sort of kind of in five or six. But for English and French, I was brilliant. And instead of thinking, well, why is this girl that we've sort of written off academically really good at these two subjects?
Starting point is 00:08:06 Nobody questioned that. They kind of thought that, well, she likes these subjects and she's deliberately being annoying and not doing the others. So I really struggled. And Jess, what you said about the hyperactivity in that scene for boys is so spot on because how I managed it was masking, which meant just drawing as little attention to myself as possible. My behavior was impeccable. I never got into trouble and my brother got into trouble all the time. And then at home with my parents, he'd get into trouble for being in trouble. And also I started to speak like this as a child, even though I went to a comprehensive school where people sounded more cockney. But with this accent, I got away with
Starting point is 00:08:51 far more. I'm so sorry, miss, but I wasn't able to do my homework last night because we had guests from Iran and there just wasn't time. And they'd go, oh, right. Okay, got it. It's whatever. So you were masking i got away with it yeah and so i you know i did really badly in my gcses and then for my a levels i had a super clever friend who whisked me away to her mum's country home when i went to sixth form college and she wasn't messing about with studying for a levels she had a timetable because i was with her at her mum's house forced to sit down and go by her timetable. Because I was with her at her mum's house, forced to sit down and go by her timetable,
Starting point is 00:09:29 I ended up getting an A for my English. And that A was life-changing because I'd never got an A before and I felt like it was a you're not thick certificate. And so I went to university. By this time, my self-esteem had been ground into the ground. Right. And so that was really tough. I couldn't fill in forms to get jobs.
Starting point is 00:09:54 I worked as a cleaner and stuff before comedy paid the rent, which only took like 10 years. And then it was emotional dysregulation. So I tantrumed long into my adult life. Okay. Long into my adult life. So I must ask, actually, Jess, I mean, you did mention the emotional dysregulation. Shappi's just said that she tantrumed into her adult life. Is this part of it?
Starting point is 00:10:20 Can you just explain more? It's absolutely part of the neurodivergent experience. So there are many things that can lead to what look like tantrums, but these actually might be shutdowns or meltdowns. So just too much going on, too many competing demands. Although people don't talk about sensory sensitivities much in ADHD, it's a big part having undersensitive and oversensitive things to sound, light, food, taste, texture. And sometimes this can all become too much and a neurodivergent person may just seem to shut down or have a tantrum. And it really is often in response to overwhelm. Right. I need to ask you, and we may well come on to this later on as well, but my immediate response to this is, isn't that just all of us? I feel like I have a meltdown in response to
Starting point is 00:11:17 overwhelm. Isn't this just human behaviour? I think it is part of human behavior. And ADHD is sort of like a spectrum at which we've portioned off the end of the spectrum. So it might be that for non-ADHD people, this may be something that happens frequently or that they really try incredibly hard to avoid. So they might take themselves out of situations where they think that this might happen. So people might just actively say, well, I'm not going to go to that party because I know that there's going to be too much noise. There's going to be too much to concentrate on. I might say the wrong thing. I might end up drinking too much. I'm just going to take myself to bed because that environment is going to be overwhelming. You know, learning to do that finally was like the biggest gift life has given me because how that meltdown looked for me was catastrophic.
Starting point is 00:12:23 In what way? Explain. Like they were not polite meltdown look for me was catastrophic. In what way? Explain. Like they were not polite meltdowns. They were screaming, crying fits. Okay. And throwing things because I can't find a shoe. Witnessed by my nearest and dearest, never by strangers, never by friends because I can mask. Like my three-year-old wasn't getting ready for nursery and I had a meltdown because I had Like my three-year-old wasn't getting ready for nursery and I had a meltdown because I had work and time and going through a divorce. And he said, age three, you're not angry with me, you're angry with something else, but only I'm here. And that killed me.
Starting point is 00:12:54 So while I understand people saying, oh, well, I sometimes get cross over nothing. If you saw the way I behaved, you'd know that there was something wrong well and I'm intrigued by this partly because I think I can identify so suddenly I'm kind of like oh my god have I got ADHD but also I'm thinking about one's family members and one's partner it must be very difficult for the people around somebody who's diagnosed with ADHD to be able to also cope with that. What do you think about that, Shappi? Well, you know, if they knew I had ADHD, I think it would have been a game changer. My last two partners have not known me to even lose my temper.
Starting point is 00:13:44 I've been a bit snappy, but that's it. Tell you the difference. So before I started to get help, a boyfriend might go, oh, an ex-girlfriend of mine that emigrated has moved to Spain. So I'm just going to pop over and see her. I would go, okay, I'm feeling insecure about this. Why am I not secure in my relationship? This needs to be addressed. I need to talk to my partner because if I'm feeling insecure, then we need to speak. And if we can't resolve it, perhaps this person isn't the one for me. Perhaps our values differ. Those thoughts go through my head now calmly.
Starting point is 00:14:19 And I'm able to, but at the time, why don't you go to Madrid and marry her? And just absolutely cry and become hysterical. Now, when your partner is doing that, however justified it might be, your back's against the wall. It's a really tricky situation. Now, the awareness of this is so critical because I've had the scaffolding of a loving family. I've had the scaffolding of comfortable life and access to information. If you don't have these things and you behave this way, it can escalate. I'm not making an excuse for horrific behavior, but I will say our prisons are full of people with ADHD. Wow.
Starting point is 00:15:06 behaviour. But I will say our prisons are full of people with ADHD who have committed spontaneous crimes and who don't know they have it. And they're marked as bad and all of this. So it's so critical we talk about it. I'm going to come on to what changed for you shortly and how you then managed your ADHD and how you've become so much calmer. I have a few dilemmas on this topic to put to you both today. We were actually contacted by an online community called HeyDHD, which is run by Sarah and Chris, who were both diagnosed with ADHD as adults themselves. And they've created the Instagram page to help other adults who've either been diagnosed with ADHD or suspect that they have it. And they've shared some questions with us from their community. So thank you very much to everybody who sent in their queries. One of them that caught my eye was this one from an anonymous
Starting point is 00:15:58 sender. And they wrote, I saw in a post on ADHD that one in five people is neurodivergent and one in 20 people has ADHD. Why do so many people, including doctors, still not believe that it's real and that it can really affect us? And just for reference, those stats were taken from the ADHD Foundation. Jess, do you think there are still doctors out there that don't believe in ADHD? I think there are some that are sceptical. And I think one of the problems is, as you have highlighted, and those figures are consistent with what's put out by Embracing Complexity, a coalition of neurodivergent charities, there's going to be at least one child in every classroom, charities, there's going to be at least one child in every classroom, several adults in every workplace who have ADHD. I think the big problem is that we learn so little about it at medical
Starting point is 00:16:54 school. I learned a lot about things that are far, far less common, affect maybe one in a thousand people, you know, schizophrenia or psychosis, and they affect maybe one in a hundred people but something that affects maybe five times as many people isn't given the same weight in the curriculum and that really has to change that's extraordinary did you experience this cynicism shafi as well i think america has been kind of ahead of us in awareness when i was in america in my 20s someone said to me i think you might have adhd and i was like, oh my God, you want to label everything. So I was a cynic in my 20s. And a big part of that, I think, is because I grew up at a time where mental health wasn't talked about. You were either mental or not mental, right? And also ADHD, attention deficit,
Starting point is 00:17:43 hyperactivity disorder. The two Ds are incorrect. We hyper focus. We have plenty of focus, but it's not always on the right things. And I don't believe it's a disorder. I believe it is a difference. And that's the attitude shift that's changed. We are coming out of a time where we're too frightened to admit that there might be something in quotes wrong with us. Since I've come out, since I've come out as an
Starting point is 00:18:14 adult, I have had avalanches of people sharing their stories. I think that as we talk about it, more people who may have it may gain the confidence to explore themselves. Well, let's talk about that because I'm really interested in the fact that it seems like a lot of adults right now have been diagnosed with ADHD. It's very much in the press. I have a few friends personally who've been diagnosed recently, women, including my ex-partner Sue, who's talked about it publicly. In the past, I think, as Jess said, it's been associated with, you know, the disruptive boy in the classroom. Why is it that more adults are being diagnosed at the moment? And are we seeing that missing generation of women,
Starting point is 00:18:58 do you think? I would absolutely agree that, yes, our diagnostic criteria and our screening tools have perhaps a systemic bias towards picking up men, boys. And we know that our assumptions about ADHD affecting men so much more than women are not true. But just as Shappi said, girls, women, they often mask. They put a lot of effort into appearing to be good children. And this comes at quite the cost in terms of anxiety, fatigue, and other things. So if people feel uncomfortable about going to a doctor or a psychiatrist for diagnosis, and feeling that they're labelled, or as you say, Shappi, that there's something disordered about them,
Starting point is 00:19:51 can they just self-diagnose via an online platform or does it need to be official? It depends. So actually, if you suspect you may have ADHD, you can request consideration of reasonable adjustments in work and education without a formal diagnosis. So this is sort of learning support plans at school and at university and also access to work. The diagnosis is a gatekeeper for medication. So there is no way legally that you would be able to take ADHD medication without an ADHD diagnosis in this country. But you could self-diagnose if you suspect and then go to work and say, look, I believe that I may be on the ADHD scale.
Starting point is 00:20:38 So therefore what? I'm asking for adjustments within the working environment. Exactly. And there are so many things, little things, that can make a big difference in the workplace. So perhaps having access to a quiet space where you can concentrate or headphones so that you can use whatever you need to help focus. Having structured breaks make a big difference. neurodivergence training for your boss and for your team so that they can understand what value a neurodivergent person may have in the workplace as well as the accommodations that would support them to thrive. Fascinating. Okay, so let's move on to our next dilemma, which I'll read out. So what should I say when people say ADHD is a superpower? I don't feel that way and it hurts my feelings because I find daily? Take a quick Peloton workout. Want to go all out? Chase down
Starting point is 00:21:46 your goals with 20 to 45 minute tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit onepeloton.ca. What would you guys say to that? I don't buy into the whole superpower thing. I think it's just one of those words that's been kind of, hey, it's my superpower. Yeah, when I'm on stage as a comic, I feel very, very present. But I don't think that's a superpower any more than someone
Starting point is 00:22:21 who is really on top of their accounting. I think these glib sort of terms aren't helpful. Some people are good at some things, some people are good at the other things. I can change plans in a second and roll with it, other people can't, but their dressing table is immaculate. I think to sort of say it's my superpower, it's kind of a youthful ownership of something which in the past has been a taboo label yeah so in that way I guess I understand why people use it I completely agree Shappi I don't think we should weaponize this word superpower and this whole idea of high functioning low functioning it is divisive neurodivergent people have what is known as a spiky profile so
Starting point is 00:23:02 they'll have some things which they seem to be good at and some things that they don't seem to be good at. It's spiky. And that's what makes them different to non-neurodivergent people who have a smoother profile. So what you can do really is to try and work out what are those sticking points? What are the challenges? And not necessarily think, I have ADHD. I'm doomed. Think, I have ADHD, I'm doomed. Think, I have ADHD, how can I make this work for me?
Starting point is 00:23:31 What about those people who are ADHD that actually just, they love the fact that there's so much going on and they're really busy and they're juggling everything. I think it doesn't last. So it can be a superpower in the moment or for a year or so but there will be a point where you're juggling so much and there's so much whizzing in your head that you'll need to rest or you might burn out. Shabby in your experience how has actually it been such a positive thing for you to understand that I'm ADHD? If you know about it, then it's just part of who you are. And
Starting point is 00:24:06 you know, we should all embrace who we are, right? It's so critical what Jess said about awareness training, because for example, a lot of the time, you might think someone's really rude, because they interrupt conversations, and you think they're self absorbed. But actually, when you have ADHD, it can be incredibly difficult. I still sometimes wear an elastic band to ping it on my wrist to physically stop myself interrupting someone because actually the more interesting what they're saying is to me, the more likely I am to interrupt. And that can be misconstrued as being rude. And I see it in my daughter as well. Bless her, she's only 10. But we've talked about it to each other. I will not give her any shame about interrupting.
Starting point is 00:24:49 But I'd say to her that listening is an active process and you get excited like I do. But sometimes it looks like you're not listening and I know you are. So just remember, listening is an active thing. I can see you nodding, Jess. The people who I speak to in clinic, I mean, obviously I'm diagnosing them, but many of them, because the waiting lists are so long,
Starting point is 00:25:11 have come to realisation beforehand and that it can make a huge difference to your sense of self-identity and narrative. So the narrative may be that I was crazy, that I was lazy, that I was sad, that I was bad, that I was sad, that I was bad, that I was mad. All of these reductionist concepts. And then coming to a realization about, well, this is why I got tripped up by this. But this is actually why, I don't know, Shappi, as a comedian, you know, you can stand on stage and bring things to life amazingly and spontaneously. It's how it all feeds together.
Starting point is 00:25:45 And so having that narrative of both your strengths and your difficulties can be transformative. Getting more awareness, getting support as you need it, but not thinking, oh, this is wonderful or this is dreadful. It's living with the grey in between. Shabby, tell me, since your diagnosis, you've said, I am now much calmer. I don't have those meltdowns anymore.
Starting point is 00:26:14 So talk to me about what's changed for you and how you manage your ADHD for the better. Okay, so a massive thing that's changed for me is that I no longer go out as much as I used to. I would go to the opening of an envelope because I sort of told myself, this is me. I'm a social butterfly. No, I'm not. I'm actually quite an introvert. And learning to spend more valuable time with people rather than throw myself into a cacophony of people, like knowing when to leave. I was having the most wonderful time at a literary festival the other day. And I was sat with some other writers, we were having a drink. And I looked at my watch, I thought, right, it's 11 o'clock. I need to go to bed now, because otherwise, I'm not going to sleep. And I said, it's my bedtime now. And I went to bed, you can do so much for yourself
Starting point is 00:27:02 before or even without the medication. Now, listen, I'm not a religious person, but I love this. This is the best way I can describe it. The Farsi word for God is hodah. Hod means self. Hodah means knowing one's self. So really going through a journey of discovery of yourself through exercise through meditation through psychotherapy which isn't as expensive as a psychiatrist if you go to a therapist I always say to people go to three
Starting point is 00:27:33 therapists different ones before it's the one for you because some people go once or twice and I've done this it hasn't worked out for them and I say if you have a plumber that doesn't unblock your toilet are you just always going to live with an overflowing toilet? Right. Same with therapy. Read. The ADHD Foundation has so many brilliant resources. There's a magazine called Attitude, which I found was a fantastic resource. And it was like the lights coming on. I was learning about myself and my reactions to things and learning to clear the deck so I can breathe, literally breathe. So you are calmer now. How do you manage if you do feel overwhelmed and overstimulated, there's too much going on or you're upset? How are you now regulating those
Starting point is 00:28:19 emotions? I've learned to say, can I get back to you on that okay never knew how to say that before and I have learned that without sleep I'm nothing for years as a comic I just ran on empty oh I haven't slept for three weeks and then realizing that you've just left a trail of destruction emotionally for yourself exercise anything, anything, yoga, running, walking my dogs, anything, meditation, just sitting down with yourself, even if it's just five minutes when you get up in the morning, keeping a journal, not a diary. And I did this and I did that. And here's something that will be published when I'm dead. Nothing like that. But just writing any old spaff that's in your head down on paper is really really critical this is
Starting point is 00:29:07 really resonating with me as a person who you know absolutely does not right now have an adhd diagnosis but i struggle with chaos so particularly within you know i work in tv i work in broadcasting i can't cope my brain can't cope if There's too many voices, too many things, too many tasks. And I need to almost like you're saying, Shappi, I could have a meltdown and go, stop. I needosing you on show, but that idea of there being too many streams of information and needing calm or needing to just disappear from everything is a very neurodivergences, too much going on. So they blot it out with drugs, they blot it out with booze or unfortunate relationships or other things as a way of trying to slow everything down. And what advice would you give for people who are living with somebody with ADHD? What is it that you need? If you're living with somebody with ADHD what what is it that you need if you're living with someone with ADHD I would say give them space don't take it personally when they shut you out don't take it personally when they need to just lock themselves away and daydream for a while because daydreaming is also a form of self-soothing and self-care
Starting point is 00:30:47 and you know try not to get irritated with them go and do your own thing because if you invade the space of somebody with ADHD it can be so stressful for them if you make demands when they already feel overloaded and you've got to think well I love this person and I trust they love me and that love's still going to be there if I leave them to it for a while. I would say that you know for partners you might want to fall into a trap of saying well I'm going to do all of the boring administrative tasks for my partner because they don't seem to do that. If you can why not sort of body double with the person so sit with them just as Shappi sat with her friend to revise for her A-levels whilst they do a boring or difficult to complete task. Because this can make a huge difference. It changes everything.
Starting point is 00:31:41 ADHD people, often they need a deadline or they then feel really guilty about missing deadlines. And sometimes what they just need is someone to sit alongside them to help them do something rather than run in, take over and do it all. Because that can really in a relationship, that can undermine someone's self-worth and make them and just reinforce all of the negative ideas that they had about someone. So an ADHD person is perfectly capable. Often, it's about having the right environment to do the task at hand. I'm only really understanding that right now, because what I've started to do, if I have to book train tickets or fill in an online form, Because what I've started to do, if I have to book train tickets or fill in an online form, I go to my neighbor and I say to her, can you hold my hand while I fill this form in? And it will be something so mundane.
Starting point is 00:32:32 And I know that if I don't do my car tax in the presence of my neighbor, then it won't get done and I'll get a fine. And it's something that I've started to do and I wasn't even aware I love that word body it's body doubling and you can actually there are online things I think there's something called focus mate you can sign up to basically zoom with someone whilst you both independently do the tasks that you've not felt able to do before I love that So that kind of idea is really important. A focus mate. Because we all have things that we struggle to do. Or don't want to do.
Starting point is 00:33:11 Or it's just boring. Put off. And there's a book called ADHD 2.0, which really talks about this idea of kind of now and not now. And how in ADHD, things that are not now, they get pushed into the future. And people with ADHD often have difficulty conceptualizing time. So time may speed up or slow down. And then suddenly not now becomes now. And that transition is really difficult. So having someone in the background can really help ADHD people to realise their potential and get stuff done.
Starting point is 00:33:47 Lovely. Shappi, thank you so much for sharing your experiences so openly and honestly with us. And Jess, thank you for being here with us and sharing your expertise as well. This has been utterly fascinating. However, in that ADHD way, just when you thought it was all over, fascinating. However, in that ADHD way, just when you thought it was all over, it's not because I have two quickfire dilemmas to run past you. And I really do mean quickfire, so that's not overwhelming. This is from a listener we'll call Jade. Have a listen to this. Hey, Anna, I would love some advice that I could pass on to my fabulous mother, please. So she's 50 years old and just got onto the dating scene for the very first time and she keeps coming to me for advice and i got nothing so i'd love to know
Starting point is 00:34:31 first and foremost where are the sexy silver foxes hiding she's tried one app and had a couple of mediocre dates but we'd be very grateful to know where she should be looking for these sexy single men in their 50s emphasis on single because they all seem to be married she should be looking for these sexy single men in their 50s emphasis on single because they all seem to be married she also hates approaching men so how can she get them to approach her and finally are there any apps in particular that you'd recommend for women in their 50s or should she even consider a dating agency any advice we would be extremely grateful please and thank you so shappy i've said this before and I'll say it again. I think getting friends to set you up in real life is the way to go, especially if we're talking about a woman in her 50s. And then you
Starting point is 00:35:14 can weed out the married ones. But what do you think? So I am also 50 and single and the dating sites are a road to hell. Personally for me I think coupling with yourself is sweet freedom. I absolutely love being single and I know it's not for everyone but for me I feel like it's the state that I am happiest in and it's taken me a long time to find it. So say to your mum just do the things you want to do, love yourself lick yourself like a cat adore yourself and if someone comes along then they can add to your plate but there's no need to go looking i totally hear you with that and congratulations by the way that if
Starting point is 00:35:56 you are happy in your own company it's like i'm my best relationship yeah then amazing um don't limit yourself to an age range you know why why does it have to be another man in his 50s oh my gosh what you're saying another man maybe in his 30s or 40s or older yeah why not love that okay if your age is what you have in common come on true that's very true it's very true okay let's move on to the next one, which is from Jane. Hi, Anna. My dilemma is how to make time for myself. So I'm an empty nester. I have a stressful job. And there's so much that I want to do. So it's about time management. That's my dilemma.
Starting point is 00:36:40 Why don't you switch off from one thing and work on another and then switch off and go back? Thank you. Wow. I mean, again, this is relevant to what we've been talking about with ADHD, because when is this ADHD and when is this just overwhelm? So, Jess, any pearls of wisdom with this one? I think trying to find balance and carving out time for yourself is so important and really prioritising what are the things that I enjoy in life? What are the things that aren't suiting me so well?
Starting point is 00:37:11 And put the effort into things that spark joy rather than stress. Yeah, especially if you don't need them to pay the rent. Indeed, Shappi, any pearls of wisdom? I would say write lists. And on that list, everything from buy milk to go to Honolulu, whatever your desires are, all on the same list, you know, mend the gate, learn how to jet ski, write all this, and then you will see what you're prioritizing. And then also write a to don't list. So if you find that you are saying yes to every person that needs a favor, could you just, when you have a moment, you don't have any moments until you've done your own list. Obviously, don't leave anyone drowning in a river.
Starting point is 00:38:02 Obviously, don't leave anyone drowning in a river. But the point is, write everything down so you can visualize and see where your energies are going into when they need to be. Fantastic. That's a fantastic answer. Thank you to both of you. Thank you, Shappi. Thank you, Dr. Jessica Eccles. And also Sarah and Chris, who helped us with our dilemmas today too. So do check out HeyDHD on Instagram. That's H-E-Y exclamation mark D-H-D. And of course, look out for Shappi's new book, Scatterbrain, which is out now. I'll be back next week with another episode of It Can't Just Be Me.
Starting point is 00:38:45 But in the meantime, if you want to give me a bell or send an email to tell me all about what's going on in your life, then I'm all ears. You can either leave me a voice note at itcantjustbeme.co.uk or you can email itcantjustbeme at podimo.com. And remember, whatever you're dealing with, whether it's love, sex, families, friend trouble or anything in between, I want to hear from you. Nothing is off limits because do you know what? It really isn't just you. From Podimo and Mags, this has been It Can't Just Be Me, hosted by me, Anna Richardson. The producer is Alice Homewood with support from Laura Williams. The executive producer for Mags Creative
Starting point is 00:39:27 is James Norman Fyfe. The executive producers for Podimo are Jake Chudnow and Matt White. Don't forget to follow the show or for early access to episodes and to listen ad-free, subscribe to Podimo UK on Apple Podcasts.

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