It Can't Just Be Me - 14: Let’s talk about sex, with Sam Pennells-Nkolo

Episode Date: July 26, 2023

It’s no secret that I love talking about sex… and judging by our inbox, it seems that you lot do too! So, I decided that the time has come to give the people what they want — advice about sex, pleasure, and everything in between! To help me get stuck into this sexy special, I’ve invited our resident psychotherapist — the fabulous Sam Pennells-Nkolo — to join me.  It’s a hot and steamy ride — from secret masturbation, orgasms, infidelity, long-distance relationships, and even some scandalous personal revelations from me. You’re going to love it! …Have questions about sex? Divorce? Motherhood? Menopause? Mental health? With no topic off limits, Anna’s here to prove that whatever you’re going through, it’s not just you.If you have a dilemma you’d like unpacked, visit itcantjustbeme.co.uk and record a voice note. Or tell Anna all about it in an email to [e-mail] podcast contains adult themes that may not be suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. Please note that advice given on this podcast is not intended to replace the input of a trained professional. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional. From Podimo & Mags CreativeProducer: Alice Homewood with support from Laura WilliamsEditor: Sarah MylesTheme music: Kit MilsomExecutive producers for Podimo: Jake Chudnow and Matt WhiteFollow @annarichardso and @podimo_uk on Instagram for weekly updates Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now, before we begin, I just wanted to tell you about a brilliant podcast that I've been listening to that I think every single one of us will benefit from. It's called Therapy Works, and it's hosted by bestselling author and psychotherapist Julia Samuel. Julia invites us into her therapy room where she speaks to either a known or unknown guest about a particular challenge that they're facing. And the topics range from the difficulties of divorce or a life-changing illness to the struggles of motherhood, for example. Julia provides her guests with valuable advice, and you'll find that each episode resonates regardless of what the topic is. What's even more special is that at the end of every episode, Julia's joined by her two psychotherapist daughters, where they reflect on their mother's therapy session that she's just had and share their own insights. It's incredibly interesting

to listen to. So search Therapy Works wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to make sure you never miss an episode. Welcome back to It Can't Just Be Me. Now, we have a bit of a special episode this week. Resident psychotherapist Sam Pennells and Kolo and I are going to be taking a handful of the juiciest dilemmas that you guys have sent in from our listener inbox and giving them a good old going over. Prepare yourself for chat around sex, secret masturbation, affairs, and even a few personal revelations from myself.

So take a deep breath. We're going in. Hi, Anna. Hey, Anna. Hey, Anna. Hi, Anna. Hey, Anna. Hi, Anna. Hi, Anna.

Hi, Anna. It can't just be me who's really struggling with staying faithful. I definitely got menopause brain. I really want children, and he does. I had feelings of jealousy. Just all around the middle, I feel like a Teletubby. And then I hated myself for feeling that way. If you've got any advice.

I would really appreciate any advice. It can't just be me. It can't just be me, right? Sam, welcome back to It Can't Just Be Me. How are you? I'm good, thanks. I'm really delighted to be here, as always. Well, I always love having you in studio, and we spend a lot of time gossiping, I have to say.

So it's a pleasure, as always, to have you here. Oh, thanks. As you know, this episode is going to be a little bit different. You and I are actually going to dive into the It Can't Just Be Me inbox together and tackle several dilemmas, a bit like a sort of extended quickfire round. Are you up for it? I'm up for it. So it's almost like a kind of like speed date therapy session with just loads of voices in the room. Got it.

But first, you have been in this studio enough times to know that I ask every single guest for their it can't just be me dilemma and you are no different today you are our celebrity so what have you got for us right so it can't just be me who dreads the summer holidays what what are you talking it's the best bit of the year I mean it used to be but now as summer approaches my sons are going to be, but now as summer approaches, my sons are going to be on holiday. Oh, I see. Which means six weeks of trying to manage what goes on, forced fun, making sure everyone's having a great time. By the end, I feel frayed and I need a holiday from the holiday. So you need a holiday at the end of your holidays because you're having to parent hard.

Exactly. And I think there's a lot of expectation. It's not just on parents, but for people to have real fun in their break. because you're having to parent hard. And I think there's a lot of expectation. It's not just on parents, but for people to have real fun in their break. The holiday must be amazing. So when you have these expectations, I think they can be a little bit crushing. It's hard work, you know.

People often talk about holidays being stressful. You see, when I think back to when we were kids, we're talking, for me, the 70s and the beginning of the 80s. My parents over the summer holidays would literally just go, leave me alone and go and play outside with your friends. And I did. And I was really happy. I mean, what happened to just sort of going out on your bike or messing about in the garden? I mean, I agree. That was my childhood too. But now children are used to being the centre. So they're used to doing things that they want to do. So if you try and drag them around Sainsbury's,

it's not so fun for them. Yeah, whereas I was happy doing that, happy going to my nana's, sitting down, not doing much, going out on my bike. There's pressure now. Gosh, I mean, already I'm exhausted just listening to that. So I'm so sorry for you. But shall we move on to other dilemmas? Yes, please. While we just take in the fact that you're an exhausted mother of two boys. Now, just a quick warning before we begin. In today's episode, we delve into one of my favourite topics, sex. So you may want to choose to listen to this one away from young ears. I am going to start by reading out a

very juicy dilemma that has come to us. This is from Andrea. She says, So today, my husband and I had a rare child-free afternoon and evening as the kids were at their grandparents. For context, we don't have the best sex life. He attributes this to us both working long hours and he often says he's too tired. He also says he has a low libido but will still masturbate a few times a week. Anyway, I suggested we try and schedule some time together when the kids were away. We had sex and both enjoyed it. My husband even made a comment about doing it again later. I was chuffed. But straight after the sex, he goes downstairs. He said he'd be back soon to have a nap.

Brackets, the kids were up all night and we were both tired. I go downstairs about 30 minutes later to see what's keeping him and walk in on him clearly having just masturbated. I pretend not to notice, get a drink and go upstairs. Can I just say, this is me talking now, there's a lot of detail here from Andrea. I appreciate that he is absolutely free to do what he wants with his own body and it's not for me to expect him to get all his sexual needs from me, but I was quite taken aback at him masturbating basically straight after we'd just had sex and yes, he 100% ejaculated. Perhaps stupidly, I feel like I don't satisfy him or that he blatantly prefers porn to me and just had sex

with me to keep me happy. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. And I know it's likely my own insecurities coming out, but I just found it a bit odd. He's in his mid forties. So I was also quite surprised that he was physically able to go again in such a short space of time. I don't really know what I'm asking. I suppose just reassurance that this is normal and I'm being silly to feel hurt. This is quite a complex one. Presumably, her husband is getting some satisfaction from her, but maybe he's just saying, I want some time to myself to explore my own sexuality without you. And that's maybe why he's spending quite some time masturbating. Someone will say, you know what, it's just easier for my relationship

to do this. And I make other women are resentful about it. It's not just men, it's women as well. They'll say, maybe I want and need to watch porn. Maybe I do need and want to do this or that. And they're worried about how their partners might take that information. They don't know how that's going to go down. It brings into question ideas of rejection, desirability, trust, and whether your partner's faithful. Because I can imagine some women would view their partner looking at porn as somehow being unfaithful yes that has come up in a few of my sessions has it it hasn't it's so interesting when people watch porn and again this is very general

often they'll talk about this is the relationship that they have with themselves this is something they want to do to explore their own sexuality and it is different to their sexuality within their relationship and so we have to look at ourselves and say what is my problem with this to do to explore their own sexuality. And it is different to their sexuality within their relationship. And so we have to look at ourselves and say, what is my problem with this? What's actually underneath it? And what do you think it is? When you've had clients come in and say, look, my partner is looking at a lot of porn. I feel threatened by this. When you say, what is your problem with this? Let's explore that. What do they tend to come out with? Most of it's a lack of self-esteem, lack of confidence, a worry that this means that, yes, they're going to go off and cheat,

that they're not happy with them. But all our needs cannot be met from one person. Yes. If you think about friendship, anything other than sex, I suppose when we look at sex, it's very basic. You must get all your needs met by one person and one thing. And I'm not sure that we do. must get all your needs met by one person and one thing. And I'm not sure that we do. I'm just wondering whether here in Andrea's issue, her husband gets more satisfaction from masturbation than potentially having sex with his wife. Do you hear this in any of your sessions? I do. And interestingly, women say it more. Oh, what do you mean? Women will say, yeah, I have sex with my husband or my partner or my boyfriend or whoever.

And I do enjoy it, but I actually prefer masturbation. Really? Yeah. Men say it less. I'm not sure whether that's because they feel embarrassed or it's not as common, but women say it a lot. They might not say it to their partners, but they do talk about, actually, I prefer sorting myself out. I mean, this is something you hear from your sort of early 20s onwards, isn't it? Is girls going, I mean, he's all right in bed. You know, I think he knows where my clitoris is,

but, you know, I fake my orgasms. And then he thinks he's an amazing lover. I mean, come on, I've faked orgasms. Have you faked your orgasms? I mean, we all have, haven't we? I think we've all faked our orgasms. So why do we do that as women, that we sort of fake an orgasm to make our partner feel better?

Yeah, it's sort of protecting someone's, you know, their ego, which I think on some level is a kind thing to do as long as it's not negating your own needs. Each relationship is different because most men will come and tell me, I think she's faking it. And then that opens up another conversation. If we feel we can't say it in the moment, okay, give it some time and then see if you can open up that conversation. Explore what that means. There is nothing wrong, is there, in saying, I still really enjoyed that. You know I didn't orgasm, but you don't have to climax every single time you have sex. There's nothing wrong with that. And yet we feel, don't we, as women, as though we have to come in this kind of incredible way to go, that was valid and that was great sex.

But we don't have to. No, I think it takes a lot of confidence to say, yeah, that was good for me, but I didn't climax. Yeah. I wonder how much this also affects homosexual sex. I'm just thinking in my own relationship with a woman, we never really had that problem. There was never that having to reassure the other person,

you know, if they haven't orgasmed. It wasn't a problem, you know, it was just still a beautiful coming together. I wonder how much this is the female-male dynamic. Does that make sense? It does. I think it much this is the female-male dynamic. Does that make sense? It does. I think it comes up more in straight couples because we've got kind of, I suppose, there is a blueprint or more of a blueprint. In queer couples, other things come up. I've worked with lots of gay men and again, by no stretch is this every single gay man, but often they will

open the relationship and they'll say, I want to have sex with other people. You're great. Love being with you, but I also want to open up the relationship. And they do that. Not all of them. Going back to Andrew, if they were in your therapy room and he is saying, we both work long hours, I'm too tired to have sex with you. What would you be doing as a psychotherapist? I suppose I'd be trying to dig a bit deeper and say, what does that mean? And some people say it as it is. For some of them, they are just tired. So it's also looking at analysing and not analysing.

What's coming up for you when you say, I'm tired? What's coming up for Andrea when she's saying, you know, we don't have the best sex life? So I'd be really trying to drill and understand what's underneath it. And again, look at what would a good sex life look like then? If this isn't a good one, what does a good one look like to both of you separately and together? That's brilliant, actually. We get caught up in the negative, don't we? Of sort of going, oh, this is a bit rubbish and I'm a bit bored or, you know, he doesn't really satisfy me. I don't come enough or whatever it happens to be. That is such a good question to turn it back and say, well, what does good sex look like to you?

Paint that picture for me. And why is it not happening? I imagine that's probably quite challenging for a lot of your clients. Definitely. People often will say, I don't know. Really? Yeah, they'll say, I don't know, because we often, as you say, think about all the bad things, all the negative things. When we switch it around, well, what do you want? So I haven't really thought about it because we're so busy ruminating on the things that we're upset about. Coming back to Andrea, she's saying that she's not really sure what it is she's asking other than just reassurance that her husband's behaviour is normal. And she's saying, am I being silly to feel hurt? What do we think?

I don't think anyone's feelings should be invalidated. So we have to acknowledge our own feelings and then decide what do I want to do about it? You feel hurt, have a conversation about it. You're not silly for feeling hurt, but I suppose if you keep this to yourself and you don't have a conversation about it or don't explore it, what does that look like? And also, yes, it is normal for a partner to want to masturbate and watch pornography or whatever it is that person's doing. That's perfectly normal. I guess what you're saying here, Sam, is you need to communicate with your husband and talk about your feelings and also what's going on for him before you can move through

this obstacle and find perhaps a more satisfying togetherness. Definitely. I think with couples, and this is difficult, everything has to be thrown on the table. You have to say everything. You have to really kind of go into that uncomfortable space of the things that we just pretend we don't see and see what comes up for you because that's the only way to move through it. Otherwise, you're just ignoring it for the rest of your relationship. I mean, just as a final thought there, because I'm thinking of a bit of an argument that me and my other half had a few weeks ago, where I really put it out there on the table, because I do believe in that granular, you've got to sort of really analyze something and look at what's going on here. And I think he felt incredibly hurt by my bluntness and my chucking everything out for analysis. bluntness and my chucking everything out for analysis. This is now turning into a bit of a personal therapy session here. But how does one deal with that? Because you're saying as a couple,

you do need to look at everything that's going on. But I think he felt very, very hurt by me wanting to throw the baby out with the bathwater and go, let's look at this. And he's allowed to feel hurt. And that's okay. That's what I would say is that we try to protect our partners and that doesn't work long-term. He is going to feel hurt and he can manage his hurtness. He can manage that, move through that. It's important that we, again, just like joy, happiness, all of that, we need to feel those things. I suppose the question I would ask is why is he hurt? What does that mean for him? So you would still advocate with couples that they really do throw the issues out on the table

and they study those issues regardless of how difficult or painful it might be? Definitely. Obviously, I would say communicate in a way that is respectful, that is non-abusive, etc. But if you're doing that, it's important to put it out there. Otherwise, it festers and it turns into resentment for most people. Interesting. So the important thing here, moving it back to Andrea, is that you need to make sure that this isn't going to turn into resentment. So talk before it gets poisoned, really. Exactly. Thank you, Sam. Okay, let's move on to the next voice note

dilemma, which is also on the subject of sex. This is from Ellie. Hi, Anna, it's Ellie. My boyfriend and I, we've been together about five years, and we've never really had a problem with our sex life before. Four months ago, he got his dream job, but it does mean that he has to work in Newcastle five days a week for the rest of the year. The only thing is we're really struggling now to keep our sex life alive. We've tried sexting a bit but it always feels a bit missionary and kind of ends up the same way. I'd love to think of other ways to keep things spicy but I don't just want to send him a nude out the blue since we've never really done that before. Any suggestions on how to keep it interesting? Thanks.

Oh, now this is an interesting one because Ellie is saying they've never had a problem with their sex life before. He's taken a job in Newcastle and since then their sex life has really taken a nosedive. You kind of would have thought that if he's coming back at the weekends, that maybe it would spice things because they haven't seen each other all week? Or is it the case that actually once you're out of practice, you know, it's like greasing a wheel. It just becomes a bit shonky and a bit stiff. It just becomes a bit out of practice. My first thoughts are some people talk about connection and disconnection. And when they're away from their partners, they don't feel that intimacy or connection that can lead to sex or can lead to good sex. So some people sort of like, well,

I haven't seen you. I haven't spent any time with you. There's been no connection. What am I supposed to come home now and hang from the chandeliers? So I suppose it's this idea of what does connection and disconnection look like? That's what I'd want to explore. What's it like for them not to be together? What was it like when they were together? And how did that produce, I suppose, more intimacy? be together? What was it like when they were together? And how did that produce, I suppose, more intimacy? So if Ellie is saying any suggestions on how to keep it interesting, there's a bit of me that thinks, well, I don't really want to get into giving tips for how to spice up your sex life. This is really about, again, about proper communication. Would you say, Sam? I would definitely have a conversation I mean I'm a big advocate for just

going yeah what's going on here this is how I feel be brave and say it and see what comes from it because again there seems to be this physical disconnect but an emotional disconnect and to look at what does intimacy look like actually rather than I agree with you rather than giving tips in terms of okay you could try this or try that. It's more, what is the connect or the disconnect? What's going on there? And to really explore that. Because the temptation is, isn't it, to go, well, why don't you update your lingerie and then try some new sex toys and some brand new lube? But actually, regardless of all those things, which are perfectly valid, we're saying here that in the first instance, it should always be the conversation

and that very open, difficult conversation about what is going on here. Yeah. Be brave and try and have that conversation. And it can be quite liberating as well to kind of go, what's going on here? This is how I'm feeling because maybe he doesn't feel the same. We don't know how he's feeling. It always comes down to communication. And it's hard to do that. It's not easy. So Ellie, I'm afraid that's what we've got for you is we are not going to give you any tips or suggestions on how to keep your sex life interesting. What we're saying from a psychotherapeutic point of view is you need to talk to your other half about what is going on. If you found your sex life satisfying before he went away to Newcastle, but now you're

not, we need to know why. And as Sam says, it may well be that actually he's perfectly satisfied with what's going on. So yeah, have that conversation and let's go from there. Okay, now let's move on to our last dilemma. It's from an anonymous sender. Let's call her Marie. Hi, Anna. I'm loving listening to your podcast recently. I wanted to hopefully get some advice from It Can't Just Be Me. I've been in a relationship with someone for about four years. However, recently, I've been finding a connection again with a long-term ex, even sleeping together, which I'm devastated about. I feel bad for my partner now, sneaking around, etc. My ex and I always had a really good sex life, but we couldn't make the rest of it work. Blended families, he has a daughter, I have sons.

The real life of it all just never seemed to work enough for us to stay together. So I know it won't go any further than this now, but I can't stop feeling torn. I'm not finding my now partner is fulfilling my needs and is very much happy plodding along, whereas I want and need more. I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't really know what I want. And I'm scared to death I will hurt my now partner and also the feelings of jealousy I have towards my ex too. He could very well be seeing other people. It shouldn't be any of my business if he is, or should it? So many feelings and I just don't know where to turn. I hope you can help. Oh, Sam. Okay, let's unpack this one. I mean, oh, I don't know about you, but in my grotty little sordid

past, I have been unfaithful and with an ex with whom I had an incredibly sort of passionate sex life. So I can sort of talk from experience on this one. and it was an absolute disaster, I have to say. So I will never do it again. But before I go down into a massive wormhole about all of that, give me your initial thoughts on this. I mean, I suppose I'm thinking whenever it comes to any sort of infidelity, people find it very hard to talk about because there's all of these values and morals that are put in place that they feel like they're going to be judged. And we try to work in therapy in an explorative way. So I'm looking at this, okay, let's look at this and see what it means. So again, there are words people say, I need more. I'd be drilling down, what is more? What is it that you want? Is it the thrill?

Is it the secrecy? Because often people say, okay, they might have this affair. And then when it all comes out, something fizzles out. I mean, it's not as basic as that, but to really explore what is all of this, what are the needs and to be really granular, as you say about it. Because when we know, then we can make a decision, but being sort of on the fence gives us even more stress. But also, don't you think that you just can't have it all? As you said earlier on, we cannot expect our partner to be absolutely everything. When I've had my own psychotherapy, we've talked in percentages, me and my therapist, about, well, you know, are you 70% happy with this and 30% unhappy with that? What is the balance here? Because you're looking for the majority,

you're not looking for the 100%. So is that right to say you can't expect your partner to fulfill everything? Totally. And we've got to decide what are our deal breakers. We cannot expect them to be 100% friendship, 100% sexual partner, 100%. It just doesn't exist. So if your deal breaker is, I need to have a passionate, exciting sex life, which you can have in a committed relationship, but if it's not enough, whatever enough means, we have to look, is that your deal breaker? Well, also, don't you find that when you've spoken to clients that have had affairs, and I can speak from experience here, yes, it's thrilling. Yes, it's exciting. But as you say, when you are then either discovered or you change that up,

it ends or whatever happens, it completely fizzles away. And it's just the smoke and mirrors of what you thought was this exciting thing just isn't at all, actually. And often things like, well, can I trust them now? Because if they were doing that with me, can they do that with someone else? All of these issues then come up from that trust, self-reliance, codependency, like you say, passion, excitement. These aren't things really people talk about in long-term relationships. Often they don't use words like passionate. I'm so excited to go home so we can cook spaghetti bolognese. That's not what people talk about. Often we don't want to, and this might sound a bit harsh, but we're often scared to really have a conversation with ourselves. What is it that I

want? And what is it that I don't want? Yes, you are going to hurt somebody if you continue in that way and you're going to hurt yourself. So again, I'm not looking in any way from a moralistic perspective. I'm just looking at it as from my experience, from what people have told me, what do you actually want? And that's a very difficult question. Well, also, I think it's very, very difficult to maintain that kind of thrilling, passionate sex. And we know anyway, that so much of this is to do with dopamine and endorphins, isn't it? And we can't sustain that. No. So often people will look for, I had that buzz, I had that thrill, the oxytocin,

the adrenaline, like you said. And then it fizzles for some people. It fizzles after three months, six months, a year even for some people. And then they're looking for it again and again and again. And what happens is after a while, it just all becomes a bit pedestrian. And then we look for it again. So if you're finding that pattern, you have to catch yourself. But also, if you are finding that pattern of trying to get that hit, that feeling in love hit, that dopamine hit, I mean, surely that then becomes potentially sex addiction or love addiction. It becomes habitual and then can become addictive. And then we're looking for this feeling that's actually about ourselves because we're projecting something onto our partners and then they fail to deliver. So then we go and look for someone else to do that. So is it that we have the fear of the mundane in a committed relationship? So we're looking for the drama. I think a lot of the time,

yes. I mean, there are some people, they might meet someone else and they think that this is going to be their other or their one true love. And it can happen, but you really have to look at yourself and understand what's going on for you because it all becomes pedestrian in the end. So this is the point, is that in a sense, we should be learning, shouldn't we, about how to have a committed long-term relationship and the fact that that can just sometimes be a little bit every day

and that's okay. That is okay. I suppose this image we've been sold of what love should be, what relationships should be, it's very Hollywood. It doesn't really exist. And I suppose looking inward and saying, what is it that this relationship means to me? And what do I want are really important questions.

But yes, there is the pedestrian. And there is the other side, those moments that can be amazing. But we have to feed that. We have to nourish that. And it's a choice. I mean, again, it sounds very cliche, but love is a choice. It is an action. We don't feel it all the time. Even passion, desire, they are not things that we feel all the time. We have to try to cultivate those feelings. And what we try to do, I suppose, is when we've been in long-term relationships, it fizzles. So we look somewhere else, whereas we need to look inward. Absolutely. And as you say, we need to nurture and feed it. And all too often, you just take the eye off the ball, don't you? And end up neglecting

something. So it just withers on the vine. Exactly. So just in terms of practical advice for Marie here, because she's saying, I'm scared to death I'm going to hurt my current partner, but I'm also starting to have feelings of jealousy towards my ex. I've got so many feelings and I don't know where to turn. Concrete advice, what are we saying? I would say to be really practical about this because when we're feeling overwhelmed, we've got all these options and I wonder what the options are. Maybe even sit down with a notepad, get it out. When we don't know, should I go this way? Should I go that way? Try and make it very practical, very concrete, very real. And that's real with ourselves. This is such a hard one because there

is no right or wrong. It's whatever's going to work. And to know that yes, you will hurt someone in the end if it carries on like this. And that's okay if you're okay with it. But really look at what's going on for you. And that can be quite difficult. Rather than what's going on for them, what's going on for me? What do I need? How do I feel? We don't have the answer straight away, but the more we ask ourselves, the more it will come. And also, I think it's possibly worth saying, you know, we are talking about somebody being in a committed relationship, having an affair with an ex. I think it is worth pointing out that, yes, somebody always gets hurt in the end, but sometimes having that affair with the ex works out.

I mean, it can do. We tend to say, this is a disaster. You're cheating on your partner. It's never going to work with the ex-boyfriend. But actually, I know a few people for whom having gone back to their ex-partner or to the affair has worked out. You're right. It can work out. We can meet someone else and suddenly think, actually, the life that I'm leading isn't the life that I want, but we must make a decision. I suppose that's my point is we've got to decide one way or the other. When we're on the fence for too long, that's when we're in danger. So decide one way or the other. And that is difficult, but it can work out. You could have a better life,

whatever better means, or a more meaningful, fulfilling life. But we have to know why we're doing it so that in our next relationship, we don't start to repeat those patterns. The two things that you've said there that really resonate with me is, A, don't sit on the fence for too long because, my God, that causes an awful lot of pain. That indecision, that procrastination. It's sort of almost self-abuse, really. And also the other thing that you said quite rightly is, look for whether you're repeating patterns. I mean, that's the point of good therapy, isn't it? Is that you can identify your negative patterns and change them. Exactly. If you're noticing I'm doing

it again, or it's happening again, that's the first step to change, just to bring awareness to the way we behave. Why is it so difficult for us to change those patterns, do you think? Because again, I'm just throwing a curveball at you here because you are a professional psychotherapist. But I sometimes question, and I'm a massive fan of therapy, by the way. But I sometimes question, we do see people who have been in therapy for a long time, they study their patterns, and yet nothing seems to change. This is the thing, we have to do something about it. So we have to see our pattern and decide to do something different. If So we have to see our pattern and decide to do something different. If you can see our patterns and do nothing, then nothing will happen.

We're moving into a different stage of therapy in terms of looking at, okay, what can I do? What are my next steps? How do I want to feel? So we've got to identify our problems and the things that are going well and decide I'm going to make a change. I'm going to do something. So I suppose the word action, you have to action something, otherwise nothing will change. We can look and examine and explore, but you must do something. Sam, what a journey you and I have been on over the last half hour, secret masturbation, sexting and infidelity. And that's just you. Sounds like a perfect Friday night. Thank you, as always, for bringing your

brilliance to yet another episode. Where would we be without you on this show, genuinely? I'll be back next week with another dilemma for It Can't Just Be Me. In the meantime, if there's something happening in your life that you would love some advice on, then do get in touch. You can leave me a voice note at itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk, or you can email your dilemma to itcan'tjustbeme at podimo.com. Whatever you're dealing with, whether it's love, sex, families, friend trouble, or anything in between, I want to hear from you. Nothing is off limits, because do you know what? It really isn't just you. From Podimo and Mags, this has been It Can't Just Be Me, hosted by me, Anna Richardson.

The producer is Alice Homewood, with support from Laura Williams. The executive producer for Mags Creative is James Norman Fyfe. The executive producers for Podimo are Jake Chudnow and Matt White. Don't forget to follow the show or to listen ad-free. Subscribe to Podimo UK on Apple Podcasts.