It Can't Just Be Me - 17: Non-monogamy? With Ruby Rare

Episode Date: September 27, 2023

Anna’s getting the low-down on non-monogamy this week, and, who better to guide us through this rich and fascinating topic than sex-positivity advocate, and practicer of non-monogamy themselves, Ruby Rare. Ruby offers some guidance to a listener who has just opened up their previously monogamous relationship and is asking for some advice around how to approach conversations about their new sexual-liaisons with their long-term partner. With the assistance of Chris Sheridan (The Queer Therapist), Ruby shares some top tips and tricks on how they make non-monogamy work in their relationship. And, they open up about all the beautiful ways non-monogamy has enhanced every aspect of their life. We also chat about tough break-ups and a certain condition that will spark a sense of dread in anyone with a vagina — thrush! So, buckle up for a sexy, but informative, ride!…Have questions about sex? Divorce? Motherhood? Menopause? Mental health? With no topic off limits, Anna’s here to prove that whatever you’re going through, it’s not just you.If you have a dilemma you’d like unpacked, visit itcantjustbeme.co.uk and record a voice note. Or tell Anna all about it in an email to [e-mail] podcast contains adult themes that may not be suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. Please note that advice given on this podcast is not intended to replace the input of a trained professional. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional. From Podimo & Mags CreativeProducers: Laura Williams and Christy Callaway-GaleEditor: Charles TomlinsonTheme music: Kit MilsomExecutive producers for Podimo: Jake Chudnow and Matt WhiteFollow @itcantjustbemepod and @podimo_uk on Instagram for weekly updates Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello there, lovely listeners. It's Anna here, and I'm very excited to be delivering yet another episode of It Can't Just Be Me directly into your ears. This week, we're going to be talking all about open relationships and non-monogamy, which is something I have always been fascinated by. Is it really possible to have an open relationship and for all parties involved to be happy let's find out this is it can't just be me hi anna hey anna hey anna hi anna hey anna hi anna hi anna it can't just be me who's really struggling with staying faithful i definitely got menopause brain i really want children and he doesn't. I had feelings of jealousy.

It's just all around the middle. I feel like a Teletubby. And then I hated myself for feeling that way. If you've got any advice. I would really appreciate any advice. It can't just be me. It can't just be me, right? On this week's show, we are delighted to welcome sex educator extraordinaire Ruby Rare. Ruby is currently lighting up our TV screens with their new show, Sex Rated, on Channel 4, which they present alongside the fabulous Rylan Clark.

Now, if you've seen trailers for this or caught an episode, then you'll know that this show is, what can I say, just brilliantly bonkers. Because in each episode, participants get honest feedback from their exes on how good they were in bed. Can you imagine? But Ruby is on a serious mission to get people talking more honestly, positively, and inclusively about sex and relationships and what they really want when it comes to intimacy. They're an author, presenter and non-monogamous themselves. So who better to help us through our dilemma today? Here they are. It's Ruby Rare. Ruby, you sound absolutely amazing. Thank you so much for joining us today on It Can't Just Be Me.

Well, thank you very much for having me. That was a lovely intro. Well, do you know what? I have to say that you are all about pleasure and joy. And so I feel that we are totally on brand when we say that it's a pleasure and a joy to have you here today. How are you? Are you okay? I'm good. The sun is shining. We're about to have a lovely conversation. I'm having a great day. I know. You've come all the way from Margate by the seaside. Yeah, had my nice little gentle train journey in. Got to listen to my tunes. I'm just, I don't know, I've woken up really on the right side of the bed this morning.

Oh, thank God for that. Yeah, it doesn't always happen. Thank God. Now, I have a listener dilemma that I want to get your advice on. But before we dive in, every week I ask my guests to share their very own it can't just Be Me dilemma. So what have you got for us? Mine is, it can't just be me who buys a new item of clothing

and then never wants to take it off and will just, like, unashamedly wear it for the next week. I have got these trousers and I'm never taking them off my body. Can I just say, I mean, when you came into studio this morning, you are a vision in velour. Can I say, there's a beautiful velour kickflare going on. The Juicy Couture is coming out. I've hunted for these trousers for months on Vinted and found them and they've just arrived.

And honestly, they've changed my life. But it's that feeling of just being like, this works for my body. I'm never taking this off. I love it so much. You look amazing in like head to toe. We're talking Juicy Couture, the whole sort of like vintage Juicy, all the bling. It's got all the Swarovski crystals all over. It's amazing. The little crop top going on there. Absolutely stunning. For me, what's so embarrassing is that back in the nineties, I was there when the whole

Juicy thing came out. Tried to do it, just doesn't work for me at all. I just looked like a sort of lemon stuffed into velvet. I think the cuts changed since the 90s. I hope so. Because I was desperate to try and get a pair of juicy tracksuits. And my mum just wouldn't let me because it was way too expensive. And I remember pining after it. So it feels like a real, I've made my little inner child happy. But I think we should get you in in some it might make you feel honest there's

like a powerfulness to it that I can't describe I don't like it's very new for me and I don't know what it's doing to my identity maybe I feel like maybe I should try again but I'm worried I mean you're telling me the cut has changed which Christ I hope it has because if I looked like a lemon when I was 23, I would now basically look like a grapefruit. So I don't think grapefruits can be sexy. I love a grapefruit. Yeah. Next time I see you, we'll be matching. I'm determined. I feel so now is the right time to introduce our psychotherapist as well. I mean, Chris, you are the founder of The Queer Therapist, an online therapy service providing gender, sexuality and relationship diversity therapy.

Thank you for being with us today as well. Are you wearing a velour tracksuit? Thank you so much for having me here, Anna. I am not wearing a velour tracksuit, but honestly, I feel like it's a flash from the past. It's happening right now. tracksuit, but honestly, I feel like it's a flash from the past is happening right now. I used to work in Harvey Nichols selling juicy couture tracksuits. Could have got you a discount. But I remember at the time being like, so I'm a little bit neurodivergent as well. The textural side of velour, sometimes I'm like, oh yeah, this is really nice. This is really delicious. And

other days I'm like, oh my God, I can't touch it. I cannot touch this texture. So yeah, I have a kind of either or relationship with the lure in general. So you could have got us a dizzy on the whole Juicy Couture tracksuit back in the day. I mean, not to throw any shadow on Harvey Nichols, but there wasn't a great discount. I think it was something like 5% for staff that work there. But to be honest, I think you're better off finding these things now in vintage shops. Just the word vintage for me, given that I was there first time around, is triggering. However, let's turn our attention to this week's listener dilemma. Now, this email came in anonymously, but I'm going to suggest that we call the person B for today.

We don't know the gender of this person either, so we'll be using they, them pronouns. Here we go. Hello, I'm in an open relationship with my partner of 10 years. We've never had a great sex life, and a year ago we had an adult discussion about having sex with other people. had an adult discussion about having sex with other people. We do talk about our liaisons from time to time as it's healthy to talk about it and support the other through any issues or problems. My dilemma is these conversations are sometimes hard to have without the other person being offended or oversharing. Do you have any advice or rules to assist with these conversations? Do you have any advice or rules to assist with these conversations?

Keep up the great work. Well, thank you, Bea. Okay, first things first, Bea is not alone in their non-monogamy because a study in 2018 by Euroclinics found that nearly one in five of the UK adults they surveyed identified as non-monogamous, which surprises me. So, Ruby, before we get stuck in, can you tell us, first of all, what exactly is polyamory and what exactly is an open relationship and what's the difference? Oh, juicy. I love it. So I tend to use the phrase non-monogamy as an

umbrella term in the way that some people might use queer as an umbrella term to talk about lots of different sexualities. Non-monogamy can mean so many different things. There are loads of flavours and ways that you can do it. When I hear open relationships, this is like my interpretation. It might feel different for other people. It feels a little bit more like a established relationship between two, maybe more, but traditionally like two people where there is some openness and fluidity to their dynamic, where they might be sleeping with other people together or separately. I also think there's maybe something a little bit more about there being sexual adventurousness and loveliness happening, but maybe less so in terms of like longer lasting, loving, romantic

relationships with that phrase open. So we're saying that maybe in an open relationship, it's more about the sex rather than the love of another person. I think so. And again, it's always up for interpretation. But I guess with polyamory, polyamory, when you break it down, is greek or latin it's like many loves yeah it is talking about connection and loving relationships loving relationships in lots of different ways and that might look like someone having more than one partner who is really important to them and might look like your kind of traditional like or partner or girlfriend. So basically, more than one love. Yeah.

And we all have more than one love already. We're really obsessed with how we categorise romance and sex. But if you think about the friendship and familial love that you have in your life, we all hold multiple loves for different people. And I really like being able to have that perspective and then shine a light on the romantic and the sexual interactions that we might have as well. I mean, you've really made me think there, Ruby. It's my job. Thank you very much. You're doing it very well already. Because yeah,

you're right to say that we have more loves in our life. It's not just about our intimate partner, is it? That you can love your girlfriends, you know, you love your siblings, you love some of your work colleagues. So just shine a bit more of a light on this, Chris, about the idea that we do have other significant people in our lives that we love. I think I would agree with Ruby around the idea of the open relationships being maybe more to do with sex in general. But I think when we start to look at relationship diversity in general, it gets us thinking about, well, what is my relationship to two relationships in general, regardless of whether that's sexual relationships, romantic relationships, emotional relationships? Do we see ourselves in relation to our friends and romantic partners as non-hierarchical? Do we hold those in

equal weighting? Or actually, do we see our maybe romantic and sexual partners are in a slightly different sort of domain, I guess, in our lives? So there's a kind of wider conversation there about what is our relationship to relationships and where do those ideas come from that I think non-monogamy really gets us thinking about. Absolutely. Well, look, let's talk specifically about the non-monogamy and open relationship in an intimate sense. Why do you think, Chris, that people want to have non-monogamous relationships? Because it is obviously outside of the norm. I think it's good to compare it maybe to how we think about sex and gender, just to start out. I guess we grew up in a world with these heteronormative ideas. So again, it's normal

to be straight, it's normal to be cisgender, and it's also normal to be monogamous. So when we start to think about how our sexualities can be different, then we can apply that to, okay, maybe our genders can be different, and maybe our relationship structures can be different as well. So what I'm talking about here is kind of queering all of these different sort of identities, so queering gender, queering sexuality and queering relationships. So I think a lot of people have felt, those who have been monogamous, a lot of people have been almost like practicing in a relationship structure that does not align with their own values. So it's been something that's been almost imposed, I would say, a little bit like what it is to be straight or what it is to be cisgender. That's absolutely fascinating. I mean, Ruby, what do you think about that?

Do you think that there are more people out there who, as Chris says, might be sort of constrained within a relationship dynamic, which is normative, and they might want a little bit more fluidity? normative and they might want a little bit more fluidity. I absolutely think that and it's also really important to stress that all of this conversation isn't about like denying monogamy or suggesting that that's a wrong thing to do. Monogamy is a really beautiful way to form relationships but it's just one of many. It's about exploration and it's about having choice to design your intimate relationships the way that you want them to be rather than being so prescriptive there can be a really quite a sort of demonizing almost like slut shamey perception of people who are in open relationships of like things not being enough for them but just

when I started to explore a different way of doing relationships it's really enriched my life it's changed my life all of it for the better I've been doing this for eight years now it's something that feels really established in my life it's not changed my life, all of it for the better. I've been doing this for eight years now. It's something that feels really established in my life. It's not this kind of like wild novelty. It really grounds me. And I want more people to be able to see that as a way of being. I'm just wondering whether actually most of us do this more than we realise. Even if you're taking the sex out of it, we're going back to the polyamory and we're talking about all of those significant people in our lives anyway. The reason I think about this is, for example,

my ex, Sue, has the most extraordinary relationship with Mel. They've known each other since they were at university and their love is so profound. And I think they would both say that publicly. Their love is profound, absolutely profound. And it's the same with my current partner as well. He has a proper bromance going on. I mean, proper bromance.

I love that. Going on with his best friend. They speak every day and they love each other. So I guess I'm saying, I wonder whether we are all doing this more than we realise, but that you guys are just ahead of the curve in terms of saying, well, we're labelling it and we're saying this is normal.

Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. This isn't all about sex, as you've said, but if you are a sexual person, it's quite nice to explore sexual dynamics with different people. There's something quite fun about that, just in a practical way.

I am and I intend to form long-lasting relationships in my life, but I also do really value the times where I get to go like long-lasting relationships in my life but I also do really value the times where I get to go away on a little solo holiday every once a year and just be a bit of a slag and have these great sexual adventures of going oh wow this is really exciting this reminds me of who I am this broadens my horizons and I love that that's a part of me and that my relationships allow that to happen? Absolutely, the freedom of that. Well, look, let's go back to Bea's dilemma. Just to remind you, they're saying that with their partner, who they love,

their sex life has never been good. They've agreed that they're going to sleep with other people. But how do they have that healthy, respectful conversation? Because clearly there's some tension coming in here. Now, I'm thrown a bit because I feel as though I want to know straight away why their sex life doesn't work with their partner. But look, that's just me. That's just me. That would be my curiosity. What's your immediate reaction, Ruby? I think my immediate reaction comes to the fact that they're having these conversations,

which is really good. The oversharing is the bit that I find really interesting, because sometimes if you're starting to be in a non-monogamous setup, if you read the books and listen to the podcast, you might get an idea of like, this is how we do it. I'm doing polyamory. And actually, it's a bit more trial and error and figuring out what works for you. Because I have spoken to lots of people in the past who've done what Bea is saying of like, potentially having conversations and disclosing more than someone feels comfortable with and

having to learn actually what each other's boundaries and limits are and when and how you communicate. We talk about communication all the time, but actually, what is good communication? Okay, well, you tell, what is good communication? Okay, well, you tell me. What is good communication? Ooh, okay, so good communication is consensual, which for me means, like, we might need to have a big chat, but I need to check that you're in the right headspace for that conversation to happen.

I can't just be like, Anna, I've got to talk to you about this thing right now. That's not a very good place to start these conversations. I see. So in a way, I guess we're saying good communication is about respect. It's about respecting the other person and saying, look, I need to discuss something. Are you in a good space to talk about this now? Yeah, absolutely. And it's just as much about listening to where the person's at. Communicating is like more listening than actually speaking a lot of the time. Interesting. Interesting. And Chris, can I just come to you?

With B's dilemma, as a psychotherapist, what's your gut telling you about what is going on here? I think like you, I'm also pulled into that piece there that they said around, we haven't had a good sex life. I guess it's really wonderful to hear that they're around, we haven't had a good sex life. I guess it's really wonderful to hear that they're starting to have these open and honest conversations about maybe what they would like. I wonder how much open and honest conversation there was around their actual sex lives as well. The other thing that comes up for me is definitely consent in terms of communication. And true consent is really

where we're being open and really radically honest. But I think I would be looking to work out what their individual relationship structure preferences are. So again, if they were coming to me, I would be looking at things like, do you have a sense of what you individually need in a relationship? So for some people that could be, yes, sex is absolutely something that I need regularly in the relationship, or I need to have sort of a clear idea about what to expect in this relationship, whereas other people might prefer more flexibility, more open negotiation in terms of what's agreed. Again, I go back to whether they want that to be hierarchical or

non-hierarchical or something in between. Chris, what do you mean by the hierarchical structure within the relationship? So again, if we look at first monogamy, I think it's fairly normative to expect that we will put our partners first if we're in a monogamous relationship. So they will take priority, say, over friendships or other relationships in our life. If you look at other relationship structures, there may be a preference for not actually having that kind of almost like that hierarchical system. So they may actually want to not give up time with their friends, not give up time with their partners, but that to be mutually and collaboratively agreed on and negotiated as the relationship progresses. And that's really, really important because again, I'll see a lot of clients who are absolutely in love with each other and are dedicated and share

values, have aligned values and aligned dreams for the future. But that difference in terms of whether they see themselves as hierarchical or non-hierarchical can be a real non-negotiable. Actually, in a relationship, it can be a real fundamental. Because you do hear, don't you, in marriages, so again, we're talking very sort of normative relationships here, but you hear often in marriages, the sort of husband going, well, I come sort of below there, there's my wife, the kids, the dog, and then me. So what you're saying, Chris, I think is that you've got to agree with your other half about, well, where do I fit within this hierarchy? Yes. And again, this goes back to what Ruby's saying about consent,

true informed consent. And that does mean being radically honest about this is what I need. And we might not know what we need. And that's okay. Radical honesty isn't just disclosing everything as well, because there can be a bit of a difference with that. Which is what Bea isical honesty isn't just disclosing everything as well, because there can be a bit of a difference with that. Which is what Bea is saying, isn't she? She's going, well, hang on a minute, this is becoming a little bit difficult within my relationship because they say we do talk about our liaisons from time to time as it's healthy to talk about it.

But my dilemma is that it's hard to have without the other person being offended or oversharing. So what you're saying, Ruby, is radical honesty is all well and good, but actually is the other person ready for that? Have we agreed this? Well, as Chris was saying, it's radical honesty about what you need and all of the conversations about what the relationship dynamic looks like. But it doesn't mean that it's an open invitation for radical honesty being like, oh yeah, I went over to this person's house last night and I pegged him and then this happened. Some people really enjoy those conversations and that can be a bonding thing almost,

although you need to make sure that you're okay sharing that information about another partner as well. With more people, it just becomes a bit more logistical consent negotiations. You can communicate everything that someone needs to hear without going into loads of explicit details. If that's something that's like, it's just not for them. They don't need to have that visual image. So I'm presuming that you've been in this situation before, Ruby, as a non-monogamous person. Assuming that you've been in this situation before, Ruby, as a non-monogamous person, how do you find the right way to talk about it with your significant others? I find, again, it's been trial and error.

And I think Bea's in a really good place of being honest about this because one thing is you're never going to always get it right. And so especially in that first year, first couple of years, it's embracing the fact that sometimes things go wrong. Sometimes you say a bit too much and actually some feelings are hurt and you learn from it. That's okay and that's kind of part of this. The aim isn't striving for perfection. It's about creating something a bit more human. And have you experienced that where you've overshared with a partner that you've thought, okay, they're ready for this and, oh, my God,

I went out with this amazing woman last night. She was incredible. And your other half at that point is going, okay, they're ready for this. And oh my God, I went out with this amazing woman last night. She was incredible. And that your other half at that point is going, hold on a second. Yeah. I've definitely done that. And that's definitely happened to me as well. And it's not a fun feeling.

And there's something about having an image in your mind about sex, which can kind of like play on someone's mind. But also it's about the emotional side and some of the romantic stuff as well in terms of how I historically have experienced kind of insecurities or jealousy it's actually much less to do with sex and more about a partner having like a really really massive crush on someone and then kind of falling for someone and going oh okay those those feelings feel a bit tender and actually I don't need you to say exactly how head over heels you are I need to

say that like you're really involved and you're really enjoying your time together. But I don't need to know all the ins and outs of like how you're romancing each other. Now, this is interesting. I can see Chris nodding. So you have heard this before with your clients, have you, Chris? Yeah, absolutely. And again, as Ruby says, it's accepting that we're going to get things wrong and we're going to make mistakes in this process. But if we stand back and look at this, this is about growth. This is about change. This is about moving in the direction of travel. That means that everybody is happy. And yes, I definitely see this with a lot of my clients where something will be said and that will

absolutely hit a nerve and there'll be an emotional charge to that. And that could be for all variety of reasons. I could bring up attachment feelings there within the relationship. So it's complicated, but it's kind of proceeding with care, I think. I'm going to drill down a little bit more into this because I do know a few people who are either in non-monogamous relationships or have tried non-monogamous relationships. And it seems to me that in the people that I've met, it has not ended well. And it seems to me that there's always one person who's not as happy as they pretend they are, that they're saying, yeah, no, this is great. Yeah, this is what we do and it's fine.

So I'm interested in what you just said a second ago, Ruby, which is, ooh, it's a little bit tender when I sense that somebody might actually be falling in love with somebody else. So there is a clear difference, isn't there, between sex and then falling in love when the emotion comes in is that where it becomes difficult I mean I think there's there's challenges with all of it and I think you can't really have sex without care and intimacy and and like a form of love from what you're describing it sounds like the people in your life might have already been in an established

monogamous relationship and then changed things. That's not impossible, but it's tricky because you've already got all the context of what that monogamous relationship looks like. And you're kind of having to actively undo that. And I know lots of people who have done that and it's worked. I also know people who've given that a go and it hasn't done. And that's okay as well. I don't think it means that non-monogamy as a whole is a failure, but it's just actually that wasn't the right thing for those individuals or for one of them, if one of them actually just wasn't as into it. There's something different about establishing non-monogamous relationships. When I've met a couple of my more longer term partners, we met each other being like, hey, yeah, I'm doing this. This is the flavor of non-monogamy that I practice. What does yours look like? Oh, cool. They align. We're looking for similar things.

Do we get on? Yes. Let's have fun. So what needs to be in place then for a non-monogamous relationship to work? Are you saying, Ruby, that it's about finding that other person who's also into that kind of fluidity? Is that the key to this? Yeah, I think it can be. I think you've got to have a really strong sense of self and know what it is you're curious to explore. It doesn't mean you need to have all the answers. And it's finding people who are like-minded, definitely, and finding people where you can really establish a sense of trust. And that's easier said than done. But I think when you can find people where you know you're

not always going to get it right, but there is the care and respect and trust as a foundation to that, then you've built a solid foundation for whatever can come after. Yeah. And Chris, I know this is a bit of a tricky question for you, but as a psychotherapist, if you had a couple who were in a monogamous relationship come to see you, and one of those people was saying, do you know what? I'm a little bit dissatisfied with our sex life and I want to start exploring more. And the other person felt a bit uncomfortable about that. What issues would you be looking at? I think with therapy felt a bit uncomfortable about that, what issues would you be looking at? I think with therapy, a lot of the time, you know, we come with something and

then there's lots more underneath the surface. So I'd be really looking to explore, okay, well, what does that mean? What actually is going on here behind that? Because it might be sex. Yes, it might be as simple as that. It might be sex or it might be something more deep. It might be to do with, again, misaligned values or there could be an emotional charge. Maybe it means something to that person. You don't care about me or I feel abandoned. So it's really about digging down into what that meaning is. And just finally, Ruby, I've got to ask you, would you ever consider monogamy again? Oh, I don't know. I've been reading an amazing book recently,

which is called Polyamorous Elders. And all of these case studies of people, older people who either have been non-monogamous for centuries, decades, that would be impressive, or have kind of found polyamory later in life. And I just found it so inspiring. It made me really excited to retire and to be a little polyamory later in life. And I just found it so inspiring. It made me really excited to retire and to be a little polyamorous babe. Never say never, but I would be quite surprised if I ended up in a completely monogamous relationship again. Oh, fascinating. I'll have a look at that actually,

because that really appeals to me as well. The fact that as you get older, you're not dead. You know, you can still enjoy your sex life and your love life after retirement. Of course you can. So that'll be me. Okay, love. I'll see you in there. Okay, I want to leave Bea with some specific next steps. So would either of you recommend any rules when it comes to having that tricky conversation?

Because that's what Bea is asking for. They're saying, look, are there any rules around this? What would you say, Ruby? I think about it less as rules. There's like a rigidity to that and more agreements, like each of them sharing the stuff that they're potentially comfortable hearing and the stuff they're not as comfortable hearing. And I would also suggest agreeing that if one person has gone off and had a lovely sexy time and then come back it's not them that leads the conversation it's maybe the other person who can go at their own pace and ask questions you could just say how was your evening did you have a nice time and they can go yeah I had a really nice time if that feels good you can leave it at that but

it's in the other person's ballpark to progress it. So it's allowing the other person to lead that conversation. Yeah. Just be led by them and what they're comfortable with. Yeah. Interesting. Bea, if you're listening, I really hope that you found what Ruby and Chris had to say helpful. And that goes for the rest of you as well. We really do love to hear it when you've been inspired by something that you've heard on the show. So please do stay in touch with us. Meanwhile, Ruby and Chris, before you go, I'm going to hit you with a couple of quickfire dilemmas from other listeners. Are you ready? Let's do it. Chris looks like they're taking

notes already. I'm loving this. The first one is an email and it's from Rebecca who's struggling a bit with juggling dating alongside everything else. She says, Hi Anna, I am four months out of a 12 year relationship that has ended very messily. I've got an 18 month old and I had been with my ex since I was 17 and now I'm 29. I have no idea how to handle the dating lifestyle and juggling it with being a mum and finding myself again. I've never done this before, meeting different guys or sleeping around and having fun. I've been on one date which didn't go so well because of my past trauma from the relationship, but he was a really nice guy. I just want to know how to focus on myself, have fun, and also not get too attached too quickly because I'm struggling with feeling the need of wanting a man to make me feel wanted. Help? Thanks. Oh God, Rebecca, I know. I mean,

it's only been four months since you guys split up. It's so recent. And also, you know, you've got a baby. So, Ruby, I mean, listen to your face. Oh, I just want to give her the biggest hug ever. I'm sending it. We're all sending it. The audio hug. Yeah. It's a lot. That's so many layers to navigate. My main piece of advice is just take your time. There is no rush with all of this. I'd actually suggest taking the pressure off of dating right now and instead focus on yourself, focusing on nurturing a loving relationship with yourself, like solo sex, masturbation, in terms of like rediscovering pleasure that isn't associated with your past

relationship is really important and when you're ready to approach dating with a lot of honesty of being comfortable sharing where you're at with potential people that you're going out with but that all of this stuff takes time just really like slow easy easy does it it really does it makes my heart go, honestly, when she says, I'm struggling with feeling the need of wanting a man to make me feel wanted. I mean, Chris, what's your immediate reaction to this as a therapist? Yeah, my heart goes out to Rebecca, like she's clearly just got an enormous amount on her plate. I think that point you just made there, Anna, I'm kind of

picking up on maybe there's an emotional charge around that. I want to feel desired. I want to feel wanted. But there's a kind of competing needs here that I'm hearing. I don't want to be in a relationship, but I want to feel wanted. I think I would echo what Ruby has said about kind of slowing things down and actually attending to some of those emotions that are coming up there. She also mentioned as well that there's again trauma. So again, I'd be really encouraging Rebecca, if she can, again, could she consider actually going to therapy and working through some of this as well? But I would really want to attend to what's going on emotionally around that motivation.

100%. Thank you both for that advice. And Rebecca, do you know what? Honestly, all of us here are really feeling for you in this situation. It's such a recent breakup for you and you've got so much on your plate. As both Ruby and Chris have said, please attend to your feelings first. And if you possibly can, think about having some therapy and being with somebody that can just help you through some of these really, really difficult feelings. Okay, well, the next dilemma is at the other end of the scale. It is a voice note from Emily and it's all about that thing that many people with a vagina will be familiar with. It's thrush. Hi, Anna. Thrush seems to be a reoccurring topic that comes up with my friends all the time. It's very frustrating and I was just

wondering if there were any prevention or coping techniques that you would have. I mean, do you know, I've not had thrush in a while, but just hearing that has triggered me in my 20s popping off to the chemist and getting some caniston. The old pessaries, the cream, all of that. There's something so unglamorous about a pessary, isn't there? Isn't there? Listen, when you hit menopause, it's part of your daily life.

It's pessary city, yeah, I know, I'm aware. Right, Ruby. Now, I think that you posted something on your Instagram about thrush and camping. I went camping a few weeks ago with absolutely raging thrush, and I deserve an award for it because it's rough thrush is always horrible it always kind of comes out of nowhere and surprises you and completely derails your day your life but suddenly doing that in a camping environment I don't really know how I got through it but I did why were you camping for three days it was I was with some friends it was lovely

I just had I was going from nemesis thrush in there as well thrush is a proper dickhead isn't it it really is the worst it's just the worst thing yeah and in terms of

preventative stuff sexual health nurse friends of mine recommending taking probiotics as vitamins because that just helps with the

kind of natural bacteria that forms in all of our vaginas which is an important thing bacteria is not bad there's loads of

good bacteria. And then also knowing what's normal for you so that as soon as something's not feeling quite right, you can get on it and try and get some treatment because the longer you leave it for, I mean, when thrush just creeps into that kind of like proper seventh layer of hell zone, we want to try and avoid it getting that bad.

I think as you're saying, Ruby, really, A, start thinking about your probiotics and just your vaginal health, basically. But then as and when you do get the thrush, I mean, it's a cotton pant, isn't it? And some caniston. Yeah. Or if you can do it, no pant. If you're at home. What? Long flowing something. Just let yourself breathe a bit. When you're kind of wearing really synthetic materials, it just creates an environment that isn't great i mean if we're saying no pants and you've popped a pessary and you've got i mean yeah but pessary is an overnight situation you can't be walking around no you can't do that with no pants on no no no i mean do you know what emily i'm sorry to say it is a part of the vagina life that you've sort of, you know,

got to push through, I'm afraid. But if it's recurring, if you're getting, or if the pain is like really difficult to manage, then please go to a doctor. We don't just have to be dealing with this at home on our own. Like we need to be more honest about the pain we're experiencing. Listen, Ruby, it has been a total gift to have you here with me today. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us. And that goes for you as well, Chris. We couldn't have done this without your therapy expertise. So thank you to both of you. I'll be back next week with a new episode of It Can't Just Be Me. In the meantime, if you find yourself with a dilemma and really need some advice,

then drop me a voice note at itcantjustbeme.co.uk or you can email your dilemma to itcantjustbeme at podimo.com. And if you can't get enough of the podcast, which frankly is understandable, particularly when we're talking about thrush, then you can find us on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube and Facebook. Just search for It Can't Just Be Me. Because whatever you're dealing with at the moment, I promise you, it really isn't just you. From Podimo and Mags, this has been It Can't Just Be Me, hosted by me, Anna Richardson.

The producers are Laura Williams and Christy Calloway-Gale. The executive producer for Mags is James Norman-Fyfe, and the executive producers for Podimo are Jake Chudnow and Matt White. The editor is Charles Tomlinson. Don't forget to follow the show or for early access to episodes and to listen ad-free, subscribe to Podimo UK on Apple Podcasts.