It Can't Just Be Me - 20: Dwindling Sex Drive? With Gizzi Erskine

Episode Date: October 18, 2023

There’s no question about it - sex is a big deal in an intimate relationship. How often do we have it? How do we feel about it? Do our expectations align with our partner? And, how should we communicate when they don’t? Well, this week Anna has a listener dilemma that skirts around all of these questions. It’s from a woman in a happy relationship, who’s looking for some advice on how to navigate her dwindling desire for sex with her partner. To help out with this one, Anna is joined by someone who is no stranger to talking about sex on a podcast —  the brilliant TV chef and previous co-host of Sex, Lies & DM Slides, Gizzi Erskine. With the help of super-psychotherapist, Sam Pennells-Nkolo, Gizzi and Anna offer advice — suggesting some tools and tricks to the listener about how to build intimacy, ask for what you want sexually, and understand your own desires. We’ve had so many emails about this in the It Can’t Just Be Me inbox, so I know this is one that lots of you will be interested in. …Have questions about sex? Divorce? Motherhood? Menopause? Mental health? With no topic off limits, Anna’s here to prove that whatever you’re going through, it’s not just you.If you have a dilemma you’d like unpacked, visit itcantjustbeme.co.uk and record a voice note. Or tell Anna all about it in an email to [e-mail] podcast contains adult themes that may not be suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. Please note that advice given on this podcast is not intended to replace the input of a trained professional. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional. From Podimo & Mags CreativeProducers: Laura Williams and Christy Callaway-GaleEditor: Pulama KaufmanTheme music: Kit MilsomExecutive producers for Podimo: Jake Chudnow and Matt WhiteFollow @itcantjustbemepod and @podimo_uk on Instagram for weekly updates Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Let's talk about sex. There's no question about it. It's a big deal in any intimate relationship, whether it's too much, too little, or just a bit too vanilla. The way we negotiate sex with our partner changes throughout our lives. But what happens when your sex drive just doesn't align with your partner's and sex starts to feel like a chore? Today, we're responding to a dilemma from a listener who wants advice around exactly this. The It Can't Just Be Me inbox is constantly flooded with dilemmas around this topic, so I know for a fact that she isn't alone in feeling this way, and that this week's episode is going to be useful for many, many listeners.

So, let's get cracking. Welcome to It Can't Just Be Me. brain. I really want children and he doesn't. I had feelings of jealousy. It's just all around the middle. I feel like a Teletubby. And then I hated myself for feeling that way. If you've got any advice. I would really appreciate any advice. It can't just be me. It can't just be me, right? My guest today is the utterly delicious Gizzy Erskine. Gizzy is an internationally celebrated chef, broadcaster and award-winning food writer. She graduated top of her year from the Leith School of Food and Wine and has been riding the wave of food superstardom ever since. In 2007, she shot to fame as the presenter of Cook Yourself Thin and she's been a regular face on TV shows

ever since, with credits like Iron Chef, Cookery School, and Dropdown Menu. As well as being an expert on food, she's also no stranger to talking about sex, having co-hosted the hit podcast Sex Lies and DM Slides, alongside her friend and co-host Sydney Lima. So I know she's going to have a lot to share when it comes to today's dilemma. So here she is. It's Gizzy Erskine. Gizzy Erskine. Now you and I have known each other for a long time actually and I've got to tell you, you become more gorgeous every year. When you walked into the studio this morning, I was like, you look amazing. Welcome to It Can't Just Be Me. How are you? How long have we known each other? I'm brilliant, by the way.

It must be 15 or 20 years. I can't remember that actual meeting date. I can't remember when we met, but we've just known each other forever. Yeah, it's mad, isn't it? It's madness. But honestly, you look so well and I'm so delighted to see you doing so well as well. It always just thrills me to see that. Now, today we are going to be delving into sex, which I know is something that you are no stranger to.

And the dilemma we've had in is a really interesting one about how to navigate different sexual needs when you're in a long relationship, and a great relationship, actually. So I think it's fair to say that this is something many of us have experienced. I know I have, so I'm looking forward to it. But before we get started, I ask every one of my guests to kickstart the show with their very own It Can't Just Be Me dilemma. And this week is no different, so come on then, Gizzy, what have you got? Okay, this is, I mean, there's a lot of ways we're going to be able to look into this. I think this is going to expose me enormously psychologically. But it can't just be me, but I'm 44 years old.

Yeah. And I still sleep every night with a silk scarf. Well, it used to be a blanket and now it's a silk scarf because I'm 44. Hang on, I'm imagining that what you're wrapping your hair and you're tying it under your chin. No, this is me like, I've had to train myself not to suck my thumb with my silk scarf. Oh my God. It's Gocky. It's his name. It's a boy. Gocky. And

yeah, I have to go to sleep with him every night. I can't sleep without him. It's really... So it's a silk scarf. And what do you do with Gocky? Just hold him. He just hangs out with me. He kind of takes different guises over the years. It's not the same. He's like an entity that kind of can fit into the shape the years it's not the same he's like a entity that's kind of can fit into the shape of a silk scarf but he uh yeah we we sleep together you know my

boyfriend sort of pretends to murder him a lot because i can understand i mean jealousy he sees he basically sees a scarf as rivalry you know and he is a rival. There is no competition, frankly. Do you know, it makes sense to me, all of this, because my older brother, Mark, had one of these comforters that was called his Sniggy. So he had a Sniggy and I had like a really long rabbit. I say long rabbit. It was kind of like a toy with really long legs and really long ears. And Mark took my comforter from me and shoved it on top of my mum's aga at the time and burnt the top of it. And I couldn't reach because I was only like three or four. So I'm traumatised by these things. But I love the fact that you've still got, you've got Gocky. What does it mean? I think it's your safety, isn't it? It's your safe

spot, it's your safe place and it's that anchor to a childhood that's safe. Yeah, it's weird though, isn't it? No, I think it's lovely. No, you should have bought Gocky today. The thing is, Gocky's nocturnal, he doesn't come out in the day. He just sort of sleeps under my pillow the whole time. I didn't realise there were rules around. Why not rules? I just don't think he'd be comfortable. That's in fairness, I hear you. Now look, today, as you know, Gizzy, we're going to be delving into sex. And we've got to turn our attention back to the task in hand, which is our listener dilemma on this topic.

And to help us with this one, we're joined by the one and only super Sam Penelzencolo from the London practice. Sam, it is a total joy to have you back with us in studio. How are you? I'm good. You're too kind. Lovely to be here, as always. Now, our dilemma is from someone who emailed in and has asked to remain anonymous. So I've got a member of the pod team to read this one out, and then we'll refer to her throughout the episode as Ellie. Here goes. Hi Anna, thanks so much for all the great advice so far on your podcast. I discovered it very recently and it's

already one of my favourites. I'm looking for advice on the following. I've been with my boyfriend for seven years and we're really happy together. When we first got together our sex life was great. He's the only person I've ever been with but he's been with a few other people before me. Over the years, I've found that my sex drive has really dwindled, and it's become more of an issue in our relationship. We have arguments about it more frequently. He feels unloved and upset when we don't have sex as often as he wants. I feel like sex is becoming something I now associate with sadness and I don't feel like I'm enough for my partner. I try to initiate sex more but my libido is low and I struggle to enjoy it as I keep worrying that my partner doesn't

think it's good enough. I'm worried this will continue to be a growing issue in our relationship. Please help me with some advice on how we can work through this. How can I begin to enjoy sex again and make sure my partner knows how much I love him? Well, first of all, Ellie, I'm going to say to you that a lot of women will relate to you here. And I'm just looking at Sam and Gizzy nodding. So according to an article published by the British Medical Journal in 2017, in a study of over six and a half thousand women, nearly 35% reported a lack of interest in sex. So this is not unusual. Gizzy, what's your immediate reaction to Ellie's dilemma? to Ellie's dilemma? So my gut is saying that sex is really important and it's not the most important, but I do think for longevity in a relationship that it does, whether we like it or

not, make us feel good about ourselves if we are connected as a couple. So if that's off the table, I would question whether that relationship might be on its way out. Do you know what? I think that's quite an important point because you're right. Sex is the glue. It really is the glue. No matter how much we try and ignore that fact, and I've done that in my life, believe me, it really is the glue that binds you. really is the glue that binds you. Have you been in a similar situation, Gizzy, where you've been with a guy before and the sex has just impacted your relationship because you just don't really want to do it anymore? Look, all of my friends have had that situation. Whenever I get to that point, I almost always feel like the relationship is over. For me, sex is critical. It comes in the

top tier of what is important in a relationship for me. It's like there is an element to it where you have to both show up. If it's becoming forced, then maybe there's a reason that it's becoming forced for me in a very, in its most simplistic sense. The other side of it would be that maybe she just needs to reignite her own relationship with her body and understand what it is she's after. I just wonder if she was more at ease with her own body, if maybe there would be a better outcome for both of them. Absolutely. I mean, it did occur to me when I was listening to this dilemma, I kind of thought to myself, well, maybe he's not so great in bed. But let's ask the expert here. So Sam, Ellie has said that her sex drive has dwindled over recent years. And I have to say, this is such a common thing,

particularly with women. Why does this happen? I mean, yeah, I agree. It's completely natural and common. Women talk about this all the time. You know, depending on where you are in your cycle, are you on any contraception? The pill, the patch, that can really mean that we struggle. I would be asking, are you on anything? Are you on any medication? What does your lifestyle look like? Are you sleeping properly? It sounds like sort of the basic list. But actually, if those things aren't looked at, firstly, it's sort of like, well, all these things can impact our sex drive. So you'd be looking at the physical aspects first. Firstly, I would. Are you on contraception? Or are you on HRT or any kind of hormonal intervention?

And then outside of that, are you drinking too much? Are you sleeping? Are you eating properly? Absolutely. It's the first thing I look at with everything. Okay. Lifestyle. Okay. Let's look at your physical needs and your, what does your life look like? And then I'd move on to the other side of things. So then you'd move on to the psychological side of things and looking at why her libido may have dwindled. Yeah. And what would you say? I would say it's very common. And if you're worrying about pleasing somebody else, you're probably not going to have a great time yourself. You go to a party and you're worried about everybody else. You're not having a good time.

You're having sex with someone and you're worried about them the whole time. You're probably going to come out not enjoying it. Therefore, you don't want to keep doing it. And also outside of the bedroom, what does your intimacy look like outside of the bedroom? Because it's not in isolation. I suppose I'd be asking the question, what is not enough? This is important, isn't it? Because we focus so much on intercourse, you know, the actual sort of sex act. We're not focusing enough on, as you say, Sam, the intimacy

within a relationship. What is that looking like? Because I think you're right. When the intimacy goes and you both become too independent of each other and not taking care of each other's needs, there's no surprise that you're not really having sex. You don't feel like it. Often men need to be intimate to feel intimacy, whereas women often need to feel intimate to be intimate. So if they feel disconnected, and again, this is not every woman or every man, by the way, but generally speaking, women will talk about, well, if we're not having a good time, we're not getting on, maybe I don't want to have sex with you. Whereas men will often be like, well, I still want to have sex with her, even if we're arguing or not getting along. I need to hear that again. So say that again about intimacy. So men need to be

intimate to feel intimate. So they need to be intimate to feel intimate. So they need to be physically close. So they need to be physically close, that connection, the oxytocin, all of that makes them feel, not every man, by the way, but generally speaking, most men will talk about in session, if we're having sex, I feel more connected. I feel more together. I feel like I'm really with my partner. Women need to feel that connection before.

So they want to feel intimate. They want to feel engagement. They want to have that connection with their partner. And then typically are much happier to have sex. So basically it's sort of life foreplay. Yes. So we need to feel that connection way before we actually get to the bedroom. Yeah.

Whereas for fellas, just the actual sex act is the intimacy. That's so interesting. So it sounds to me, Ellie, so really your boyfriend has also got an awful lot to answer for here. Now, I am interested though, before we start sort of boyfriend bashing, that he says that he feels unloved and upset when they don't have sex as often as he wants so clearly he is expressing his needs maybe not in the right way but he is trying to say something here isn't he so for him he feels upset and

unloved but for her she's now associating sex with sadness. So Sam, if they were coming to you for couples counselling, what would you be saying to them? Once we start associating something with something else, it can be really hard to unpick that. So it'd be the idea of what are you feeling? Again, have you actually spoken to each other explicitly, which most couples don't? So I would be asking very unsexy questions. I would be saying, what is it that you're doing that makes you feel like that? What is he doing? What are you doing or not doing that makes you feel like that? And when you say sad, what is it? Do you feel like you weren't enough? Do you feel like he wasn't pleased? Were you not pleased or satisfied? I'd really unpick the whole thing to then be like, what's the sadness about? Because often people

don't know. So it would be like this general term, I feel sad. What do you feel sad about? Is it your lack of experience? Is it his lack of experience? A lot of women sometimes will say they feel empty after sex. So they have it and they just feel kind of like empty. And then that makes them feel bad. So I'd really want to unpick what that means. And what I think that Ellie was saying in her dilemma as well, that she feels as though she's not good enough. Now, she doesn't say whether her boyfriend is saying, you're not good at this and this isn't enough for me.

But she clearly is saying, I don't feel good enough. So you'd be exploring that in therapy, where you're saying, why is it you don't feel good enough for this person? Is he making you feel that way? And I'd want to make it very concrete, because I don't know what that means. Good enough at what? Generally speaking, just in the bedroom, outside of the bedroom. And I'd be asking him as well, do you agree with this? Have you ever said this? Why do you think this is happening in your relationship? And also I'm picking the part of him that needs that vulnerability and that connection and that he's being explicit about him that needs that vulnerability and that connection

and that he's being explicit about his own needs is a good thing. She also needs to do the same. And then we try to meet somewhere in the middle. Gizzy, have you ever developed a negative relationship with sex in your life? And then how have you gone on to reframe it if you have? I think that there are definitely like, we are living, breathing egos, aren't we? So if somebody rejects you, for example, I definitely think that can be an impactful momentary issue. But normally I'm quite good at communicating, so I can tell when I've maybe overstepped the mark or it's not been appropriate for that other person or they're unhappy and I've been able to kind of weed out what the issues have been. Actually Giz, it sounds as though you've got a really healthy way of communicating with your partners. It seems to me in terms of going, look, sex is really important to me. It's the glue that binds us together in

terms of intimacy. And if I'm not getting what I need, I'm going to talk to you about it. of intimacy and if I'm not getting what I need I'm going to talk to you about it. That's always served me I've always been able to do that and I think that comes from probably my mum who's just been so bold and always made us ask what we want you know so in those situations it's like knowing that how important it is. I think when my all my other friends were always having sort of problems where they felt that they were just having sex as robots or because they felt that they had to, I couldn't really ever comprehend it, really. I mean, do you think we are still living in an age where women are having to learn still to say what it is they want? Definitely. 100%.

want. Definitely. 100%. So Gizzy, what is your one bit of advice that you would give to somebody about asking for what you really want? I would probably say that actually, because it is an intimate question that you'll want to do, to be in a situation where you're cosy and you don't want to have to, you know, sit face to face in a really strict sort of way. And maybe just do it when you're in bed and having a cuddle and just being like, oh, I'm really into the idea of doing blah, blah, blah, just to make it a bit of a subtle request and see how that goes. But I'd imagine if you're both chill and you're both cuddling and it's a really safe, comfortable space that it will go down well. I like the idea of creating a sort of safe, intimate, warm,

comfortable space to sort of talk about those difficult issues. I mean, funnily enough, Sam and I were talking off mic earlier on. We were having a coffee and I think we're both on the same page in terms of, perhaps it's an age thing as well, where you hit an age where you just, you're like, just fucking say it. just sit down just say it and say it it does I mean undoubtedly get better with age but almost what a waste of time for when you were young but if you could have just been clear and open and all that how much time that would have saved you know actually Gizzy that's a that's a brilliant point for Ellie

because I'm assuming that Ellie is a younger woman. I'm assuming that she's probably in her 20s or maybe early 30s. She's been with her boyfriend seven years. She's only ever slept with him. So I think that's a really beautiful bit of advice you've given there, which is what a waste of time.

If we could go back to our teenage selves and in our 20s and actually say what it is we wanted, my God, our lives would have been different. Oh, yeah. You finish the drinks, you and your date have said your goodbyes, and you're immediately on the phone to your best friend. I, like, messaged all my friendship groups. You're never going to believe what just happened to me.

From Podimo and 2020, this is First Date, the podcast. I'm Cece Coleman. And I'm Frankie Bridge. We'll be bringing you the most amazing, bizarre and heartwarming dating stories. He's like, this girl is crazy. It's First Dates, the podcast. Get it wherever you're listening to this or visit listentofirstdates.com. Okay. I really want to leave Ellie with some concrete suggestions because at the end of her email, she says very clearly, please help me with some advice on how we can work through this. How can I begin to enjoy sex again and make sure my partner knows how much I love him?

And I also want to emphasise, she does say at the beginning of her email that they're in a happy relationship other than the sex. So Sam, what concrete tips would you give to Ellie? Firstly, I agree. She needs to look at herself as well and notice what is it that I like that I don't like. Sometimes I'll say to clients, can we just look at this like an experiment? So just experiment with, okay, maybe you don't feel like having sex again. And I'm not saying if you really don't want to, you know, do it anyway, but have a go. I say it's like exercise. I don't really feel like doing it, but afterwards you're like, I'm really glad I went for that run. So it's that idea of, okay, maybe I'm not really feeling it. I'm a bit tired today, but I'm going to have a go. Often we have black and white

thinking whereas I do it or I don't do it. So if we can get a bit of grey in there and say, okay, let me just see this as an experiment and see how I feel. So you're a bit disconnected from it. What do I like? What do I not like? Did I enjoy it? Did he enjoy it? And how much of the percentage I would say, are you looking at his enjoyment and yours? Because if yours doesn't factor into it, that's a big problem. Maybe if you're happy and you're having a good time, doesn't factor into it, that's a big problem. Maybe if you're happy and you're having a good time, maybe he'll enjoy the sex more. And I know this is really difficult, but being very explicit, how many times a week do you want to have sex? How many times does she want to have sex? And just look at it through the lens of experimenting rather than it being this really, which I know it is, it's a really intense, intimate thing. Sometimes when things are too

intimate, it's good to get a bit of space from it. Just experiment with things really intense, intimate thing. Sometimes when things are too intimate, it's good to get a bit of space from it. Just experiment with things, see how you feel. And it's very important that she looks at her own needs because if her needs are not met, you're not going to feel happy. Gizzy, what about your advice for Ellie? What would you say to her about how to start enjoying sex again? Really similar, actually. I would say to get in tune with your body. If you've never had a sex toy, I think it's definitely time for you to get one to work out what parts of your body are particularly sensitive to you. And then you could maybe learn how to articulate what gives you thrills. It's also quite a fun thing to do together. When we did Sex Lives and Damn Slides,

one of the things that kept coming up with me and Sydney were people were like, best thing to do together. When we did Sex Lives and Damn Slides, one of the things that kept coming up with me and Sydney were people were like, best thing to do is, is to go on YouPorn and try out some tutorials. There'll be tutorials like a classic YouTube tutorial, but from an intimate perspective. And I think that can be quite fun. I think try and connect again, go out for dinner, maybe book a hotel, actually like try and be in the room with each other like I said you've both got to show up to this so not enforcing that showing up but like really try and remember the romantic side of things I know that I get frustrated when I'm not being treated romantically I want to be have somebody who's going to make plans on me who's going to make me feel special I know it's not tenable the whole time but I want somebody to make an effort for me and that courtship to still be

in place obviously there's a point where you can slob out and not worry about those things but there has to be a little bit of that that's sort of drawing along the relationship because it's a romantic relationship ultimately and if I'm not feeling like I'm being treated romantically, then that would be a real issue for me. So let's see what happens when that's back in play. Absolutely. So mixing it up a little bit and showing that respect. I think it's just like showing that you care enough to plan something interesting and fun and thoughtful for the two of you

where you can really focus on each other and connect. That's a really good idea, Gizia. You're genuinely making me now think about my own relationship. I'm a bit like, oh, maybe I do need to now make a bit more of an effort. I mean, do you still feel that way, Sam, with your husband? Definitely. I think it's important. I think that idea of, yeah, we can sit in our jogging bottoms and t-shirts all day long. But then if you feel like you're not having those moments of let's go out let's make an effort let's make an extra effort both of us and and the idea of it being co-created you do something they do something make an effort and often with couples it'll be the idea of what they come home from work and you get the worst of them

you get the annoyed irritated person that can't be bothered. And if that becomes a habit, of course it impacts our sex life. You don't want to have sex with someone if you feel like you're kind of not really put on the list as a priority. I think for both people, it's the idea of, well, am I making an effort? And what does that look like? And are they? Oh, I'd love that. Well, listen, finally, how can Ellie make sure that her partner knows how much she loves him? That's a real emphasis for her. It's not just about the sex. She's saying, how can I make sure that he knows how much I love him? What would you say to that? I mean, this might sound a bit basic, but I would just tell him. If this was a session, I would say, I would like you to say

how you feel about your partner and just be very explicit. It sounds basic, but actually we don't do it that often. And it's sort of that idea of, okay, love you, love you. But if you sit down with your partner and say, I just wanted to let you know, this is how I feel about you. And I really appreciate you. And I love you. And I'm trying my best, which is quite vulnerable to say that and say, I'm not sure if things are going right. I'm not sure if where you're at with this, but I want to let you know that I'm so in love with you. I think it goes a long way. That sounds amazing. Gizzy, would you, would you go along with that? Completely. Like you said, it's so easy to get stuck in a routine and you know you actually actively when we say we have to work on relationships that might be the thing that people find that they

have to work on the most weirdly because you know what it's like when you first start dating someone and those chemicals that are rushing through your body you're like rammed full of dopamine and for me actually that's where I still want to be all the way through. And I think most people would feel like that. You know, some people just preside themselves to the fact that, oh, that goes. But why does it have to? I don't think it has to. I presume that that sort of initial dopamine hit when you first meet somebody is going to settle down inevitably if you're in a committed relationship. But that's not to say that you shouldn't still keep saying to your partner, as you're suggesting, Sam, look, I really value you. I love you. Because that's a hit in itself, isn't it?

And also, and I think this goes a long way, like trying to have fun. Life is not fun most of the time. If you try to have fun with your partner, again, that goes a long way and be silly and watch something silly, laugh together. That connects us in a way that we're, you know, you're taking the bins out. It's not, you know, that's not fun. So that sounded like it was coming straight from the heart. Ellie, I really, really hope that you're listening to this and that the advice that we've given you has been helpful. If anything, I hope that today's episode has shown you that you're really not the

only one going through this. Honestly, we hear this all the time and Sam in particular in her therapy sessions, you are not alone. And if you're listening to this and something in the conversation resonates with you, or if you've got your own advice to give on this topic, then please let us know because we love nothing more than hearing from you honestly. You can either leave me a voice note by visiting the podcast website, itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk, or you can email me at itcan'tjustbeme at podimo.com. Now, Gizzy, you'll be delighted to know that I am not done with you just yet because I have a couple of quickfire dilemmas that I want to throw at you. Are you ready? Yep. Not so sure how good I'm going to be at quickfire, but I'll do my best. Doesn't matter.

I just want your gut reaction. That's all it is. So the first one is from Amelia. Hi, Anna. I'd love some advice, please. So my partner and I have just bought our first house which is so exciting and we're throwing a housewarming party in a few weeks time. It's not really a big thing but I'm just feeling really nervous about the evening and how it's going to pan out. We've invited our neighbours and they all know so that's not really an issue about the noise and stuff but I'm just feeling really nervous about the night and how it's going to play out. I just wanted to know if you had any tips on sort of letting go of that kind of anxiety and enjoying myself. Thank you. Oh man, the pre-party nerves, which basically gives you why I never, ever throw parties. The

idea of like, you know, no one turning up or it just being crap and really embarrassing and then everybody just wants to go home really early. Now you've opened a fair few restaurants in your time very successfully. So you'll be familiar with the big opening night nerves thing yeah what advice have you got for Amelia can I be completely honest the last major opening I had I had a hotel room and I literally hid in there the whole night I'm so terrified it's really interesting like if I'm working I'm absolutely fine I can do whatever you want me to do the second I need to be up front and being able to socialize with people I'm good in ones

and twos I'm not good at parties everyone thinks I'm really good at parties I love going out and I love having my own little sort of safe space with my good group of friends but I'm not good you basically hate the opening night thing. You hate having a party because you actually just want a safe space and to sort of be cocooned in a hotel room somewhere and not have to deal with it. I get acute anxiety when all eyes are on me. So people don't believe this, but it is really true. That said, okay, let me think. When I'm having a party at home, I think the two things which may be contradictory, but one is be super organised, get everything that you need to be done, done,

and then take all expectation of yourself. My dream situation in a party like this, which sadly doesn't work at an opening night, is not having any expectations on you. Being able to, if you want to sit in the corner and just invite people in, then that is what you do do you know that's a very good point so I missed my own 30th birthday party which was a sort of

big old event actually over in Shoreditch and I couldn't face it so I didn't go yeah and my other half came back and went it was fucking brilliant we had a brilliant night this is weird on my 40th I did show up I had a dinner and then a massive party afterwards in a big like nightclub i did the dinner and i just buckled after the dinner i couldn't do that i could do the party i sloped off so i was in so much trouble with everyone well yeah i mean people weren't thrilled with me for not rocking up but i guess the point is and sort of going back to amelia is maybe have on your tag team somebody who's better at it than you are that's a great idea so like Gizzy says be organized make sure you've got all the food done

make sure there's plenty of food as well nothing worse than having a party there's not enough food or drink make sure the music's right so organize your playlists as well make sure it's warm enough in the house make sure that it's really really inviting and rely you sound like you know exactly what you're doing this is this would be my dream party actually this is reminding me that i went to a friend's house who was so intimidated about cooking she just ordered 20 dominoes pizzas and then filled a bath full of beer and booze and ice and it was really great it's because it's about the people it's about the music yeah it really it really is it's about the people. It's about the music, isn't it? It really is. It's about having conversation, people being comfortable.

Just go and have a good time. Pretend you're at someone else's party. Amelia, what would you want when you go to somebody else's party in their house? What do you want? What do you like when you go there? And apply the same rules. But basically, I think, as Gizzy says, be organised. Make sure you've cooked your food beforehand. Make sure it's warm, get your playlist on the go, run it through beforehand

before you launch the entire thing and also look fabulous. Yeah, I think that's part of it. Get confident. Sassy. Look fab. Thank you. Okay, now the next one is a little bit different. It's from my producer, Laura's housemate, who's looking for some advice from you, Gizzy, about dating as a chef. Here goes. Hi, Anna. Hi, Gizzy. My dilemma is to do with eating out with a romantic partner and struggling to separate my connection to the industry with just relaxing and having a good time in a restaurant.

For instance, if the food is good, then I can get distracted. And if it's really bad, then I can be annoyed. And I don't know if she thinks it's really good and I know that it's bad, then it's a little bit awkward for me. I don't know. Have you ever had a problem with this? a little bit awkward for me. I don't know. Have you ever had a problem with this? Wow. Okay, Gizzy. This is a food fanatic, clearly. How on earth would you advise that he isn't overly distracted by food when he's on a date? You just got to go, I'm on a date. Don't go anywhere too amazing. Actually go somewhere which you know is a good solid place. Go to somewhere that does really good pasta and really good red wine or whatever. Whatever blows your skirt up, go for something which you are confident is pretty much always going to be an eight out of ten.

And you can be loose and happy and like really focus on the person knowing that that food is going to be great. Don't go for a tasting menu on your first date. That's not hot anyway. There's something too sort of uptight about that. That's true. Listen up, man. Yeah, you're being a little bit too tense. Although, I mean, I experience this a lot with my boyfriend at the moment. My other half is obsessed with food.

And when he's obsessed with food, the minute he wakes up, he starts fantasising about what he wants for breakfast. Same. Then he eats that breakfast and starts worrying about what he's going to have for lunch. Oh, completely. And then for dinner. And then once we've had dinner or we've been out for a bite to eat,

where he will critique the food ad infinitum, but then he'll talk about how it's in his tummy and how his tummy's feeling. Oh, wow, that's amazing. I've never done that. He's obsessed. He's obsessed with it. He'll be like, oh, well, you know, my tummy's feeling... A bit of indigestion. Got a little bit of indigestion now after that maybe it was the was it the pasta I mean is this just somebody because you are obviously obsessed

with food is this just something I've got to live with it's like he is really into food I dissect every single thing because that's the brain that I have and that's the passion I have so yeah I do the same thing I wake up one of the reasons I knew I wanted to see food was if I cooked something really good that that day that night I'd go to sleep and I'd sit in bed reading another cookbook I was interested in working out what I was going to cook the next day making a shopping list you know that was what that was my sort of it that was my hobby and then before I knew it I was getting it into the idea of doing it professionally so then I used to go to bed with something like La Rousse Gastronome, which is an encyclopedia.

And I would learn all the terms and write them down. I mean, my La Rousse Gastronome is so well-thumbed and it's got yellow marker all running through it. And if you're really obsessed with food, it consumes you. It's consuming. That's a really good word, of course, is that it's all consuming. But what is it about the excitement of planning, cooking, and then serving that food that is so exciting for a chef?

Definitely, there is a sort of slightly self-obsessed tendency there. That people will love what you've done. Oh, absolutely. I mean, one of the reasons I cook full stop is because when my mum went away to Thailand, I'd be cooking for my little sister from the age of like 13, 14. And she used to be like, wow, I can't believe you made this. But for me, it was just like a little science experiment.

And I was just like, so if I do this and this, this creates this. And then all of a sudden you've got a meal. But also the process of it, I used to love. But really, ultimately, it's about giving somebody something that they're going to be like, you are amazing. So it's about love. Do you mean this? it is love but it's also it's kind of more sexual than love I think

really? so it's exciting yeah I'm fascinated by this because as somebody who is basically not a great cook I'm intrigued by other people's passion for it but going back to Laura's flatmate,

what we're saying is, relax, dude. Just go out and enjoy yourself and just go somewhere you know is good. And then gradually build up to the dining experience. And then critiquing everything that's on your plate. And then critiquing everything. And then as soon as you're with someone for over two years,

you can be an absolute arsehole. There we go. Marvellous. Gizzy, it has been a total pleasure to get you back doing your thing and chatting about sex on a podcast. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and also your frankness and honesty. I really, really do appreciate it. It's what I love about you as well. And of course, thank you too to Sam Pennell-Zancolo for joining us and bringing your expertise to today's show. Thank you, girls. You're welcome.

Thank you. Yeah, thank you. dilemma and really need some advice, then drop me a voice note at itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk. Or you can email your dilemma to itcan'tjustbeme at podimo.com. And if you just can't get enough of the podcast, which frankly is understandable, then you can find us on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and of course, Facebook. Just search for It Can't Just Be Me because whatever you're dealing with at the moment, I promise you, it really isn't just you. From Podimo and Mags, this has been It Can't Just Be Me, hosted by me, Anna Richardson. The producers are Laura Williams and Christy Calloway-Gale. The editor is Kit Nilsson and the executive producers for Podimo are Jake Chudnow and Matt White.

The executive producer for Mags is James Norman Fyfe. Don't forget to follow the show or for early access to episodes and to listen ad-free, subscribe to Podimo UK on Apple Podcasts.