It Can't Just Be Me - 24: Cutting down on alcohol? With Dr Alex George

Episode Date: November 29, 2023

We are bursting with excitement as we have Dr Alex George in the studio this week to talk through a dilemma from a listener who’s thinking about cutting down on alcohol, in the run up to the festive season. Dr Alex is a former A&E doctor, ex-Love Islander and expert Mental Health Ambassador. He gave up drinking in December 2022, so he couldn’t be better placed to give some advice to our listener. With the help of psychotherapist Nadiyah Davis, Anna and Dr Alex talk about why it’s not just to do with the amount we drink, but also about reflecting on why we drink and how it makes us feel. They explore what we might gain from cutting down on alcohol, how to deal with the social side of not drinking, and share tips for anyone thinking of giving it a try. They also give advice to a listener seeking purpose in their life, and another listener experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder.   If you’re worried about your alcohol consumption, please see this NHS webpage that has more information and includes advice about getting the help you might need: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/ . You may also like to contact the charity With You who provide free, confidential support to people in England and Scotland who have issues with drugs, alcohol or mental health.    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily, with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout. Want to go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45-minute Tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit onepeloton.ca. Hello there, it's Anna here. You've just pressed play on It Can't Just Be Me and this week we've

got a good'un. But before we begin, I wanted to let you know that we are discussing alcohol use in this episode. So please think about whether this show will be helpful for you right now. You're always welcome to skip it if you need to. Now, as much as I love a good glass of wine, hands up, I really do wish that I drank a little bit less. But I find it quite difficult. Drinking alcohol is at the heart of UK society. And for many of us, it goes hand in hand with work life, socialising and relaxing, which can make the prospect of cutting down on alcohol feel, well, tricky, I guess, to say the least. That's why I'm so interested in the dilemma sent in by this week's listener.

They're asking for advice on how to cut down their alcohol intake, particularly in the run-up to the festive period. I'll be taking notes on this one. Welcome to It Can't Just Be Me. Hi Anna. Hey Anna. Hey Anna. Hi Anna.

Hey Anna. Hi Anna. Hi Anna. Hi Anna. It can't just be me who's really struggling with staying faithful. I definitely got menopause brain. I really want children and he doesn't. I had feelings of jealousy.

It's just all around the middle. I feel like a Teletubby. And then I hated myself for feeling that way. If you've got any advice. I would really appreciate any advice. It can't just be me. It can't just be me, right? My guest today is a former A&E doctor, ex-Love Islander, UK mental health ambassador, and somebody I could just chat to for hours. It is, of course, Dr Alex George. When Alex first hit our screens in a tiny pair of striped swimming shorts on Love Island in 2018, I think the nation knew that he was someone very special. But what Alex has managed to do since leaving the villa is nothing short of extraordinary. From working on the front line through the pandemic to his ongoing work as a mental health ambassador, his messaging around speaking out and asking for help when you need it has undoubtedly helped to save many, many lives. Being healthy physically and

mentally is at the core of his being. So in December 2022, Alex decided it was time to ditch alcohol and go sober. And he's been off the drink ever since. So I know he's going to have a lot to say when it comes to today's dilemma. Here he is, everyone. It's Dr. Alex George. Alex, we've been very excited about having you on the show today. Thank you so much for coming in, in person, particularly when you're incredibly busy. How are you? I'm very well, thank you. Thanks for having me.

And it's great to be with you. I've really enjoyed your company over the time and getting to know you. Of course, we had Naked Education. You came on the Stomp Pass as well. And yeah, I think you're a really great person. So I appreciate you asking that. That's very, very kind of you to say so. But am I correct in thinking that you have been sober since early December 2022?

Yeah. So I stopped drinking alcohol on the 4th of December, which is coming around very quickly. Oh my God, it's nearly a year. Yeah, it's nearly a year, which I kind of can't believe in many ways because the year has flown so quickly. But when I started this, I didn't really expect, I didn't really know what I expected or how long I wouldn't drink for. Does that make sense?

It wasn't like I was like, right, fourth time, I'm never drinking again. It was like, right, alcohol is really not serving me. It's affecting my health, my happiness. It's not helping in any way, shape or form as far as I can see. Let's stop it and review that relationship, you know, because in many ways we talk about relationships in terms of people, but you have relationships with many things in your life, with exercise, with sleep, with all these different things and any tool that you use really in your life. And with alcohol, it wasn't a good relationship towards the end. So it was time to stop, step away and see how I felt about that.

I'm going to talk to you a lot more about this because you are the perfect person to help with this week's dilemma, which is all about cutting down or giving up alcohol. But before we delve into that, on every show, I ask my guests to share their very own, it can't just be me dilemma. So what have you got for us well i i the first thing that's popped to my head it can't just be me that listens to taylor swift love story in the mornings to give myself an absolute boost but it just gives me an energy i want to sing and dance i'm not going to of course but it makes you want to sing and dance

it feels like we need to play in a little bit of the old Taylor Swift with you singing over the top. But what is it? But why that song? I think the thing about music, which I think we can all relate to, is it often takes you to times in your life or certain feelings or moods. And Love Story, I guess it just gives me a view of like,

no matter life's troubles, you can get to a happy ending and like a good outcome I don't I think you just it captures a feeling do you know I think you're the only person that's come on to this podcast who's given us a sort of a positive for it can't just be me because normally it's people going it can't just be me do you know what I mean so you're going it can't just be me that sort of every morning I wake up and I want to listen to the same song that makes me feel great yeah it's a positive thing and I'm a very I'm a very habit based routine based person and I think lots of people are like I often eat similar foods I like going to similar places I like to go for my walk at the same time so music is kind of similar for me it's

a comfort blanket I was going to say is that an anchoring thing for you then having that structure I think so I think it is an anchoring thing it It's the same reason, I mean, I wake up at 6.30 every morning and I go out the door for my morning walk with Rola at 7.30 every single morning. That doesn't change. And I always talk about this, like psychological anchoring and like habit stacking. And for me, that routine is what anchors my day. And actually, you know, sometimes then when that gets thrown out for different reasons, I really feel it. So there's pros and cons of it, but I'm just very aware of what psychologically anchors me.

And I kind of know the kind of hacks for me to feel better. One of those is music. Oh, that's really interesting. Sort of habit stacking. And people do, you know, you can, I think you've got to start with the basics. And, you know, it's like a lot of the reason that I stopped drinking alcohol was because I started with a premise of like my health has gone wayward in a lot of different ways. And I actually just started walking. And everything else, including sobriety, has come

off the back of that first step, which was, excuse the pun, it's very cliche, but the first step of just getting outside and going for a walk. Okay, well, let's turn our attention to the problem in hand today. But before we do that, I'd like to introduce our other expert, psychotherapist Nadia Davis from the London practice, as well as her own private practice, TTS therapy, has years of experience working with patients with substance abuse and addiction issues. So we're in safe hands today with both a doctor and a psychotherapist. Welcome, Nadia. Thank you for having me. Lovely to be here. It's lovely to have you here. And as

I said earlier, today's dilemma is from someone looking to cut down on their alcohol consumption. And while the advice we're giving today will be helpful, it can't replace an in-person appointment with a medical professional. So if you're feeling concerned about the amount you do drink, then please seek support. We'll leave links of where to find help in the show notes to this episode later on. Okay, so this dilemma was emailed in by a listener. He's asked to remain anonymous. So we'll read it out. And after that, we'll refer to him as Rory. Hi Anna, thanks so much for your podcast. I'm really loving listening to it and I'm always looking forward to Wednesdays. So I've got a dilemma around drinking habits that I'd love your help with. I've always loved having

a drink but over the past year I've noticed I've been drinking more and more regularly and I will say that I won't drink when I'm meeting friends for a weeknight but then I'll often end up slipping up and start having two or three drinks anyway and then I feel angry at myself the next day and I really want to find a way to cut down but the difficulty is I find it hard to say no when I'm offered and when I'm in an environment where everyone is drinking which seems to be all the time and I'm a bit worried about the festive season coming up too because I know there's going to be lots of parties and I'll just feel the pressure to drink.

So I keep telling myself I'll do the sober challenge like dry January, but I always find that I fall quite early on. Do you have any advice on how to start cutting down and making sure my relationship with alcohol doesn't become unhealthy? Thanks so much. I mean, I hear every word that Rory is saying, and I feel like this is such a relatable problem. And actually, I kind of feel like this is going to be therapy and advice for me. Never mind Rory. Alex, let's start with you, first of all, because as you mentioned earlier on,

you gave up drinking almost this time last year and you've stayed sober. So just fill us in for those listeners that don't know. Why did you decide? At what point did you think I'm drinking too much? And why did you decide to give up? Well, the reason that I decided to give up is that I'd become aware that my relationship with alcohol for many years was around being there to enjoy socializing as part of, I guess, like a Friday or Saturday having a few drinks.

And I think for various reasons in my life, that relationship has changed from using it for those reasons to actually using it for numbing and for escapism to an extent that I'm trying to get away from my problems, which I think a lot of people probably can relate to. And I think about the time throughout the pandemic, dealing with that. I think the pressure I feel working in my role as a mental health ambassador and all the campaigning I do, the work that I do,

but also personal things that I've been through, like losing my brother. Being in the public eye has its pressures, as you know. There's no violin that I want to roll out, but it's not easy at times. And perhaps that alcohol use became different and unhealthy. And so for me, I really looked and thought, well, is this serving me now? And what is interesting is that since I've stopped, I've realized how much damage it was doing. When I stopped, it wasn't perhaps with how much awareness of how much damage it had done to my emotional, mental and physical health. Really? How long had you been drinking for, Alex? I mean, listen, I grew up in West Wales and I probably had a few sips of beer as I was growing

up in my teenage years. And certainly by the age of like 15, 16, you'd have drinks at home with your friends. And then by the age of 18, I'd go out and drink. And med school was work hard, play hard. It's our culture, isn't it? It's just drinking. I think particularly at our age and before, where you grow up and alcohol is just such a normal part of socialising. If you don't drink, you feel outside of that. And I think one of the big challenges of stepping out of the room, as it were,

when it comes to drinking alcohol, is learning like, who am I? How do I socialise without alcohol? How do I deal with my problems without using alcohol to numb it? Because I didn't really realise I was using alcohol to that extent to numb things. And for perspective for people, I was drinking probably three nights a week and perhaps on a weeknight, I might have two or three glasses of wine or beer. That would be one of the nights. Then I'd probably drink on a Friday and Saturday. We'd have more, maybe five pints, maybe six pints, which I think, you know, A, is more clearly than recommended amount.

But to a lot of people, it's probably like a relatable amount that people drink. Let's be frank. I was just going to say, I can completely relate to that. That, you know, during the week, it's a couple of nights a week, friends going, meet me in the pub for a couple of drinks. And you end up having, you know, two the week, it's a couple of nights a week, friends going, meet me in the pub for a couple of drinks. And you end up having, you know, two, three glasses of wine. And then Friday night, fuck, let's go for it. Yeah, let's go and have some beers.

And what I've realised is that actually it's very little to do with how much you drink within reasonable context. It's more about why you drink and what that does to you. So for me, even two or three pints would have a negative impact on my anxiety levels my stress levels would actually increase as a misanoma that people think it reduces stress levels alcohol consumption even a couple of glasses a week raises levels of cortisol in your blood which is your stress hormone it makes you more stressed and I found that actually just knocked me off in terms of my mood my mood would take days to

recover even after two or three pints really so I'm acutely sensitive to it, which now also makes a lot of sense in context that I've been diagnosed with ADHD. The ADHD diagnosis came before I stopped drinking alcohol and was definitely a contributing factor of why I stopped. And I have learned since I've stopped how harmful alcohol can be in the context of ADHD. I will come back to you about how harmful alcohol is. But Nadia, just to bring you into the conversation here, how common is Rory's dilemma? And is it something as a psychotherapist that you hear a lot?

Yeah, no, it's very common. I think it's generally people's lifestyle. I work in central London as part of my practice and, you know, even just walking out sometimes and seeing across the road the pubs. Thursday is the new Friday. It's around, you know, everyone's sort of outside and really having a good time or what appears to be a good time. So definitely very common. And then certainly when it gets to the festive period, no matter what you're celebrating, I think if there's an excuse to celebrate, people tend to use alcohol as part of that as well. So definitely common. So you are hearing this from your clients quite a lot, that people are coming

in saying, I think I might be drinking too much. Yeah, for sure. Okay. So what I'm interested in here is that Rory says that he always says he won't drink, but then he ends up drinking anyway, and then he feels angry at himself, and then he goes in the loop of, oh God, then I'm not going to drink again, or I'm going to cut down, and it just goes on this loop. So psychologically speaking, as a psychotherapist, what is going on there? I think what's probably happening for Rory is that the initial trigger of why am I drinking in the first place or why am I not able to say no in a moment when you know

we might have one drink but then I've got to have three or four it's then going into the kind of cycle of guilt and then you're then having those moments with yourself where you start to be quite hard on yourself like I've done it again I've drank again I guess this is why I say it's so important to know your triggers I guess as Alex said earlier he was doing it to escape so I would usually when working with clients start to pull that all back okay the drinking is the thing that you're doing in order to soothe something else so what is that initial thing what is the thought what's the feeling? For me, it's fucking fun. It's fun. Or perhaps I'm bored.

I don't know, but I think it's fun. I'm not trying to soothe anything else other than this is fun. So what was it for you, Alex? I mean, there's so much within this. And I've done a lot of learning around the space, particularly in the last year. And the thing that you've got to kind of look at, there's lots of layers within this.

First of all, when you're looking at your relationship with alcohol, it's working out the why and looking at, am I addicted? Is this an issue, an addiction? We're talking about repeated, almost compulsive behavior that you struggle or can't prevent yourself doing. So you're psychologically requiring this drink for whatever reason. And often people talk about addiction in terms of quantity of alcohol. It has very little to do with that addiction,

isn't it? Dependency is much, much deeper than that. So it's working out, is this an alcohol addiction or is an alcohol use disorder? Or is it a disorder of behavior and a disorder of coping with life? And what is difficult, and I think I would identify this quite a lot, is that, again, if we're socialized and we're basically brought up to see alcohol means fun, alcohol is the main way people celebrate, alcohol is the main way people commiserate things, main way people socialize, main way people meet girls. When you remove the alcohol, you remove all of that as well. So all of a sudden it's like, well, what do I do? If you do dry January, what most people do in dry January is they stay in. I'd say the vast majority of people, they go, I'm not drinking, I'm going to have a sale of money, stay in. I'm not going to go out

and party or do anything. What happens then is unfortunately you're then not seeing people, you feel isolated, you feel a sense of I'm removing and taking away from my life, not adding. Whereas what I tried to do and what I've learned amongst the sober community, alcohol-free community is that what you must do, if you take that, you've got to put other things in. So Nadia, how do we know if we have a problem with alcohol? I would say that if you notice that as a way of coping, if we just bring it kind of back to basics, as a way of coping, and that could be coping in any sense. So it could be with positive things and also with negative things. If it's something that you constantly have to lean on, then that's when we're leaning into the area of

addiction. So for instance, if you woke up one morning and you got the urge that in order to perhaps get through your day, oh, I need to have a drink today, then you're stepping on addiction territory. I guess what we're hearing here from Rory is that it's a social thing. It's got an attachment to being social. I think that's the thing that I want to drill down on because Rory is not saying I wake up in the morning and I need a drink. So it's not that he necessarily is physically dependent on it. But he's saying that he's noticed that everything seems to revolve around going to the pub and socialising and that he's then drinking too much. Is that a psychological dependency or is it just that you can still go to the pub, just try and replace the drinking with something else?

What would you advise? Yeah, I would say think about the limits, think about what those really look like because if we're saying that you know three days out of the week you are going to socialize or you're going to the pub or whatever that is and then you're finding that you can't just have the one drink you've got to then have several then really think about the social aspect of your life what does that look like does that mean that every time I socialize there has to be drink does it mean thinking about those groups of people as well that you're going out with because if there's an association with that then it's probably going to be really difficult to get out of that circle so then what so then what do you do yeah exactly so I think

it's about really just thinking pulling everything back and just looking at everything I always encourage from a bird's eye view so I always always use that terminology, kind of take yourself out of the situation and look at things from a bird's eye view. Can I confidently go and socialise with friends, maybe have one drink and then be able to not engage in going over the top? Or do I set a boundary for myself? So do I say I'm going and it might be six o'clock but I'm going to leave at quarter past seven interesting and I hold myself accountable for that that that's my boundary I'm going to leave I like the idea of setting yourself a boundary and accountability of going I will come but I'm going to leave by eight or I will come but I am

not drinking and please don't push me into that. Because interestingly, Rory mentions the extra pressure that he feels around drinking during the festive season. And according to a survey of a thousand adults from the alcohol charity With You, one in four people feel pressure to drink more through the festive season. One in seven feel that they need to drink alcohol to have a good time. And also one in four said they drink more through the festive season because of the expectations to drink alcohol when meeting friends and family. So there's pressure there for us culturally, I think, to drink, which is difficult to break. So, Alex, did drinking over Christmas have anything to do with your decision to stop drinking? Did you feel that sort of festive pressure?

It did. And I stopped drinking at that time because of that reason. So I did it deliberately because I was like, this is a time that everyone says it's hard to stop drinking. And therefore, I want to do it at this time to see, well, what is life without it during what everyone describes as this difficult time? So what did I do? I went, and this is only my experience, I went out loads, went to all the festive activities, I socialised with everyone. And the next morning, I'd get up, feel really great and fresh because I slept well, go to the gym and socialise more the next night. So I did more socialising when I didn't drink than when I did. And it showed me that I didn't need it. I had just as much fun. I had no guilt or shame around it. I was just getting fitter and healthier

throughout the festive period. And that gave me a super boost going into the spring because then I was like, well, I've done the bit that everyone says the hardest. A trick I would use if we're always going, and this is, again, I'm going to talk about this with an element of assumption that we're not talking about addiction, although I think it's always worth exploring that in your relationship with it. But use the 15-minute rule. So if you go into the pub and somebody goes, do you want a beer? Give it 15 minutes on your clock and you'll find that the pang will pass. So the pang for having a drink in a non-addiction doesn't last that long. It's about 10, 15 minutes. And in 15 minutes, I am pretty sure that you'll go, ah, not that bothered, it's fine. It's a psychological

reset trick. That is a really, really good idea. Because I was just going to say Rory mentions trying to do, you know, a sober challenge like Dry January, which I've done before as well. It's like I last literally about four hours. And you know, Rory never manages it. So what is the answer to quitting or cutting down on alcohol? I think I'm going to summarise with boundaries, you know. I think boundaries are really hard. Saying no is really hard. Refusing is really hard.

And when you incorporate all of that into something that you would equate to being fun, it's like, OK, I'm stuck now. Boundaries can be so broad. So a boundary might even be saying no if you've got five Christmas parties or meals or whatever in one week you might just go to two and maybe say no to the other three make an alternative arrangement change it you know switch it up I'm just thinking as well that presumably it is about replacing it with something I think as you've touched on, Alex, something that is more beneficial

to you, something that excites you a bit more subconsciously, that is going to be more of a reward than alcohol. Because the only reason I'm saying that is because I'm thinking about, can I cut down on the social events I've got coming up? And I know myself that I'd end up going, oh, God, you know what, fuck it, go on and have a drink. But maybe I need to replace it with what you're saying, Alex, about something that's more beneficial. I love the fact that you challenged yourself with the, I'm going to see whether I can just throw alcohol out completely and replace it with getting fit.

I like that idea. Yeah, well, the first thing I would say is, like, remove the association with socialising with alcohol. Go into the pub. You could go to a pub seven nights a week. It doesn't mean you have to drink anything. You're drinking not a drop. So I don't really fight hard to break down that cultural thing that we have in this country

that socialising or fun is synonymous with alcohol. You can socialise to your heart's content. You don't have to drink. Please don't stop socialising. Do even more. But yeah, having other things that you reward yourself with a trick that i did is i thought well alcohol cost me a fortune literally like 700 quid to a thousand pound a month or something like that but if you think about what you mentioned earlier

it's not just the drink it's the takeaway it's the other foods you don't even want to eat and it's the silly purchases that we make when we've had a few drinks let's be honest that we make when we're when we've had a few drinks yeah all of a sudden when you stop doing that the amount of money you get back in your pocket is chaos it's actually chaos so what I did is said I'm going to stop drinking and I'm going to learn to ride a motorbike I know this is kind of boy math I've not spent on alcohol therefore I think I've paid for my um I've seen this trend of like girl math boy math I think it's boy math but I've effectively paid for that so I've done something that's added a skill and I've enjoyed it. I was going to go and ride a motorbike and many would argue that there is bad for your health and that's a different debate and I won't argue

that one, but I think it's having another focus. Don't remove something and not replace it. And if you're thinking, oh yeah, but I really do enjoy having a drink. Just remember this, in this society, we give up everything for this one thing. We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout. Want to go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45 minute tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push, find your power. Peloton. Visit onepeloton.ca. What we're talking about is giving one thing and getting everything. That's your relationships, your sleep, your career,

your exercise, your youth, your skin, your time. Tell me how much better you felt when you get, what happened to you? The first few weeks I felt worse because I slept awfully. So often people think that alcohol just affects your sleep in the first night or so. It does, it's awful for your sleep. But it actually takes four to six weeks,

and sometimes even longer for the brain to adapt to a non-alcohol environment. That's even if you just drink two or three nights a week. So the brain basically becomes better at sleeping and you get what people commonly refer to as a sober sleep. And when you get that sober sleep, oh my God, it's so sweet. Bear in mind, I wouldn't have gone more than a month without alcohol since the age of like 17 or 18. I'd never experienced sleep like it. Sleep was amazing. Weight didn't suddenly start dropping off. I'm now the fittest I've ever been. I think that I feel younger. I make better choices. I make less bad choices. If I think about it, most of my things I regret in my life is times when I've been drunk. And I think I've just gained so much time. I'm never hungover. If you think,

if you're hungover one day of the week for a year, that's 50 days a year that are either ruined, or even if they're not ruined, they're reduced by 30, 40%, because you're never 100%. That's a very good point. I've gained 50 days a year of full Alex. That's minimum, bearing in mind, I think, even a couple of drinks. That's a minimum of those days. If you've had a big Friday, you can sometimes feel rough to the Monday.

I get up each day with a bounce in my step. I enjoy life. I deal with challenges more,. I get up each day with a bounce in my step. I enjoy life. I deal with challenges more and I get more stuff done. I'm so much more productive not drinking. That is so interesting. I mean, Nadia, out of interest, because you are an addiction specialist, do you drink? I do. Yeah, I do drink, but I have learned over time to just know my limits. And for me personally, I drink water between my drinks. If I know I'm going out and

I'm going to have more than one, water. So again, you've got your steps and your boundaries in place before you go out. Yeah. Interesting. Alex, do you think that you ever will go back to drinking? The honest question is I don't know. I don't suspect I can say I'll never drink again. With ADHD, the impulsivity is something to think about. And when you're disinhibiting a brain that's already impulsive, that can be, if not carefully managed, a recipe for disaster, basically. But I don't know. I think a lot of people out there have very, very controlled and good relationships, if you want to call it that, with alcohol. And so if I felt that I wanted to have a drink

and I felt comfortable with that and it didn't affect where I am now, then yes, I would. But at the moment, I just never feel like, honestly, alcohol was such a big part of my life all the way growing up. You know, going to med school, being a doctor, junior doctor in London, it's beers in the pub afterwards. I don't miss it. A different question would be, do you miss it? I was going to say, do you miss it afterwards. I don't miss it. A different question would be, do you miss it? I don't miss it. I honestly don't miss it. I've never been fitter, stronger,

healthier, more focused in my entire life. And also there's a thing as well. A lot of guys, I think, drink for kind of confidence and stuff. I feel very confident. I'm naturally an introvert that gets anxious in groups. And I stop drinking I say oh I'm going to be so anxious when I go to the pub I don't get anxious at all socially like that at all

so you still go to the pub at your age yeah I go to the pub I go night snack I go to you know I go into Archer Street

in London I go karaoke people are singing I ain't singing the thing you realise that you remember or you learn very quickly is A no one cares

no one gives a shit whether you drink or not actually they don't care they're too busy in their own thing. And after they've had two or three drinks, they don't even know that you're not drunk.

And then you realise, actually, you think there's a spotlight on you, like a main character mode, that everyone's like, oh my God, Alex is not drinking. They don't care. So just forget about what other people think. Go into that situation and have fun.

You don't need it. Honestly, you don't need it. You finish the drinks. You and your date have said your goodbyes and you're immediately on the phone to your best friend i like messaged all my friendship groups you're never gonna believe what's just happened to me from potamo and 2020 this is first date the podcast i'm cc coleman and i'm frankie bridge we'll be bringing you the most amazing bizarre and heartwarming dating stories. He's like, this girl is crazy. It's First Dates, the podcast. Get it wherever you're listening to this or visit listentofirstdates.com.

Okay. I really want to leave Rory with some concrete tips because he says, do you have any advice on how to start cutting down and making sure my relationship with alcohol doesn't become unhealthy. But just in terms of some quick fire tips, Nadia, what tips do you have for Rory on cutting down? So I'm going to say, Rory, first of all, kind of think about what your relationship with alcohol means to you. You know, if it equals fun, if it equals socialising, are there other ways that you can really think about doing that? And if you are going to socialise and you are going to have a drink, really just be setting those boundaries,

like set those boundaries within yourself, with your friends. Never be embarrassed or ashamed of, you know, telling those around you that you're cutting down or you're not going to have a drink today. Those that really care about you will understand. So don't feel judged in those situations. When you stop drinking, you very quickly learn who your real friends are.

And the people that really care about you still text you and still want to hang out with you. The people that stop texting you, that tells you a lot. They were never your friends. You haven't lost friends. They were never your friends. So Alex, if you had, say, three tips for Rory in cutting down or giving up what would you say find your community

there's amazing groups like you know people now start in London for example doing running clubs that's become a real trend on TikTok at the moment so find other communities or whatever it might be second of all find good alternatives to enjoy find your favorite non-alcoholic tip or or so on and I guess my third one is that when you are feeling like, maybe I do want to have a drink, imagine what future Rory will think. So play it forward. If I have a drink tonight, I'm seven o'clock, I'm in the pub. If I do say yes and have this beer, what will Rory think tomorrow morning? And what will he think a few days later? If you go, oh, actually Rory will be annoyed tomorrow. And a few days later, he'll be annoyed, then ask yourself the question, if you don't have this

drink, how is Rory going to feel in the morning, and how will he feel in three days' time? He'll feel pretty good. He'll feel really a boost of endorphins for not drinking, I suspect, and that I find a really great grounding technique. I use that quite a lot. Rory, I really hope that you are listening to this and that the advice has been helpful. I have to say it's been really helpful for me. If this episode has sparked anything for you, then please do get in touch. We really do love to hear it when you've been inspired by something that you've heard on the show. So yeah, let us know. Now, Alex, Nadia, you have both been so brilliant. I'm going to milk you for a little bit more advice.

And I have a couple of quick fire dilemmas for you. So are you ready? Ready. Let's do it. Here we go. Okay. This first one is from Lou, who's looking for some advice around finding her purpose in life. Here we go.

Hi, Anna. I really hope that you can give me some advice. It can't just be me that doesn't know how to find my purpose in life. I feel really stuck, not really knowing what to do to get a sense of fulfillment and achievement. I'm a woman in her mid-40s with two teenage kids. I work part-time and have a couple of horrible health conditions. I work part-time and have a couple of horrible health conditions. I just don't know what to do to unstick myself and move forward into a life that's

more exciting and challenging. And as I say, just gives me a sense of purpose. I just don't know what to do. Can you help? Now, Lou, I have to say, this is something that I'm really interested in, is purpose and fulfillment in life, I think particularly in middle age. So, Alex, I know that purpose is a big theme in your book, Live Well Every Day. So what would you say to Lou about this? Well, I resonate hugely with it. And I quoted Nisha, this American German psychologist, and he said, he who has a why to live for can bear almost any how. That kind of comes from a

slight negative standpoint. But what I kind of took from that is that without purpose, none of the other stuff will stand. You can think, oh, I'm going to sleep well, I'm going to do all this exercise, do these things. Are you really going to stick to it if there's not a why to get up in the morning? And I think, therefore, finding your purpose is really important. And I think it's working out what are the things that I enjoy in life? What gets me up in the morning? What are my skills and the things that I'm good at? And am I meeting those needs at least in my week, if not in my days?

Because if actually you love people and you love socializing, but you're actually not communicating with people, then you're not actually meeting, you're not actually fulfilling any of your purpose. And therefore you have that feeling of like, oh, I'm not doing what I love. So it's about finding your why in the first place. What would you say Nadia?

Yeah, I was going to say, what are your whys is a really great place to start. It can sometimes be daunting doing that though, because people tend to look at the blank page. I encourage clients to write these things down. Having that visual aid makes such a difference. But what are my whys? It's almost like, oh, I don't know.

I don't know where to start. So encouraging you to really think back to a time, perhaps when you did feel that you were enjoying things about life, you knew what your purpose was, or at least had an idea. And life might look very differently to that time now but you can still reflect in that way you know what was going on who was around me what was I doing with my day-to-day so kind of almost like take yourself in a bit of a time capsule on a journey into moments as I'm sure there would be for for this

person yeah well absolutely I mean one thing that resonated with me, Lou, with your voice note is you said that, you know, I'm a woman in her mid-forties with two teenage kids. Well, the fact you've got two teenage kids, I mean, that has been a purpose and that has been a why. You've done a great job with two children. So part of me wonders whether do you feel a little bit defunct because the kids are growing up and they don't need you as much so i hear what you're saying now you're about just have a look at what your why is and go back to a time when you were needed and you did have that purpose who did you have around you what were you getting out of it the expectation gap is also a useful way to look at it and it's often used in psychological theory

around happiness but you can apply it to purpose as well. That actually, whether a purpose is fulfilled or not is often the gap that's created between your expectation and reality. If you're able to look and actually be kind and compassionate to yourself and go, actually, I'm doing an amazing job as a mum with two kids. And actually, these are the things I'm doing. Suddenly, you start closing that gap. In my new book, The Mind Manual,

but you can find this actually online as well. It's really useful to do a life audit or sometimes called a health audit. But basically, you have a circle that breaks down general foundations of health into different pie slices. And then there's one to 10 on the outside. And you circle where you feel that is in your life. And it really helps you look at what areas are deficient. So sometimes we might feel we lack purpose, but actually what what we lack is connection you know feeling lonely and it's sometimes very hard to work out our feeling or where a feeling of discomfort comes from and that is why those circles are useful because then you go actually I feel like I don't have purpose but actually what I lack is connection sometimes it is about stepping back as you said looking

what's my why's where am I right now? And how do I create a realistic, what is a realistic purposeful life for me? Yeah. And your children are never going to stop needing you. It doesn't matter what age they get to. Do you think society, it's a question I have for both of you, do you think society pushes this narrative

of to be a successful woman, you've got to have a family and a career? Because I feel sometimes like we don't actually value enough of how incredible it is, as a dad as well by the way to bring up children do we put too much emphasis that to be successful you need to have this glowing career and a family is it not enough to have a family in that role yeah I would say there is a lot of pressure because I think everything now almost has like a time limit attached to it as well so oh if I get to this

age I need to have this figured out and that figured out. But block out the noise, my goodness, because it can be a lot, can be a lot of pressure. I think that's really interesting what you say about is it not just enough to have a family? Of course it is. But the inverse of that is, well, what if you don't have a family?

I don't have children. So, you know, is it enough don't have a family? I don't have children. So, you know, is it enough not to have a family? You know, what therefore is my purpose? But it does really make me think about having children. And exactly what you just said, Nadia, is there's this expectation that it's too late. But actually, why is it too late? You can build your family.

For sure. It's a common theme with these things, though. And again, it almost goes back to what we talked about with alcohol it's like social narrative seems to dictate what we feel

that happiness and a good life should look like isn't it like how should we have fun what does it mean do you have to have a family of course you don't have to

have children have a family but it's a feeling like you have to do all these things and be able to be juggling all these things be really social

and go and have a drink and have a family and have a career to be seen as like a fulfilled person. But it is nonsense, isn't it? For sure. When you quieten the noise, you tend to see a bit clearer, I would say. I agree. Yeah. I hope that is helpful, Lou. I mean, again, I have to say it's made me think about many things, but if you sit back and just write down your whys and go back to a time when you felt a little bit more fulfilled and perhaps a bit happier you may get a bit of insight from that

okay this next dilemma is from Emma hi Anna how you doing I was just looking for a little bit of advice on anything that you can give around kind of seasonal affective disorder I've never been officially diagnosed or anything but it's something that does tend to affect me every year at this time of year right through until March I feel like normally I don't even notice how much I've been affected until that first day of spring and suddenly it's like a massive weight has been lifted off my chest and I can breathe easily again this year though I think I've just been a bit more attuned to it because I'm now working fully remotely at home on my own. There are days that I can't even leave the house if the weather's so bad and I wake up and it's dark,

it's pouring with rain on my lunch and then I finish work and it's pitch black again. It's hard to find any motivation or kind of any hope at this time of year in general so it'd be great to hear there's any advice there's any type of coping mechanisms or something that I'm not in tune to it would just be great to hear your two cents. Okay so according to the NHS seasonal affective disorder or SAD or the winter blues as it can be known, affects around 2 million people in the UK. But I think, I'm surprised that it's so low. I think that so many of us get affected by the winter blues. So Alex, is Emma's situation something you can relate to, the sort of dark days, the misery of it, feeling low? It's interesting because the NHS stats,

of course, seasonal affective disorder, you're talking about a diagnosable level of a condition, but does it affect more people? I'd say the answer is yes. And actually, I think most people can probably think about how their mood generally changes around that winter time. Now, often we attribute this to vitamin D, but it's a slightly over simplistic way of looking at it. It's about how it affects the rest of your life. So we start with the vitamin d side we can get vitamin d from foods but most of it's synthesized from the sun we live in the uk we know it rains quite a lot throughout the time of about september end of september through to about march we basically cannot even if you're outside you cannot get enough vitamin d from the sunlight to the point where the nhs now recommends that

unless your doctor tells you otherwise all all adults should take vitamin D. The vitamin D is important because it plays a role not only in bone health, but in terms of mood and energy levels as well. So that's why it's important around the seasonal affective disorder. But also there's a real piece in here about how the weather dictates some of our routines

and our ability to do the things that anchor us. We know that human beings cannot survive without nature. Studies are very, very conclusive that if you remove a person from any nature, I'm talking about outdoors, green environments, their mental health deteriorates very quickly. The converse is true. The Royal Horticultural Society did a piece of research

that showed that people that spend time in nature, even just a few hours a week, are calmer, less anxious, and have less rates of diagnosable depression. So what happens in the winter? It rains more, it's darker, there's less daylight hours. What do we do in response to that? We have to adapt. The key is you've got to get out at lunchtime. You've got to get out at lunchtime. Otherwise, by the evening, you've lost the sun, haven't you? I was just going to say, exactly just echoing everything you said, it is so important, isn't it, to get outside and to be in nature for your own mental health.

So 100%, Emma, you know, that is something you've got to consider. Nadia, as a psychotherapist, what can Emma do to improve her mood during the winter, would you say? Isolating is probably the biggest thing that we kind of all do. I think working from home was bliss in the beginning. So true. And now it's like no actually we want connection we want some connection you could go a whole day especially if your job is you know on the computer you don't necessarily have to take calls you could go a whole day without speaking to anyone you just feel at the end of the day you just feel so flat yeah so I would say um I kind of call it the rule of two it's doing two key things for yourself every day every day and I know it might be difficult to get out at the moment but one of

those maybe to just give yourself a bit of a push to get out of the house but that other thing could be something quite small it might just be having a moment in the morning sat by the window having a coffee and just not checking your phone just taking all the distractions out just finding somewhere that's comfortable to just sit with yourself sit with your thoughts journaling works for some people so you can journal in that time you don't have to but really just implementing that rule of two so that you're consciously doing something for yourself twice a day that connection point is so important though you say in there because that and it really triggered something i was reading uh recently was that um isolation and therefore

being lonely is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day yes which really puts into context how harmful it can be and what happens in winter we're isolated more so i do think you have to make those active yeah those active active steps to put yourself in situations about, right, what other ways can I connect with people? Sure. I think you're right to say it's the active steps, isn't it, you guys? And I love what you're saying there, Nadia, about two things. Say to yourself every day, just two things I'm going to do.

One is to get outside. The other is a bit of self-care in terms of either just a cup of coffee or nurturing or connecting with somebody else. outside. The other is a bit of self-care in terms of either just a cup of coffee or nurturing or connecting with somebody else. But just mindfully in a way, consciously doing two things every day for you. Yeah, so important. God, we forget, don't we? Dr. Alex, it has been a total pleasure to have you in the studio today. I know how busy you are. So thank you for finding the time and taking the time to help our listeners as well. And of course, Nadia Davis, your expertise as a psychotherapist has been invaluable. So thank you for being here as well. And we'll share links to

your website in our show notes. I'll be back next week with a new episode of It Can't Just Be Me. And in the meantime, if you find yourself with a dilemma and really need some advice, then get in touch. You can either leave me a voice note at itcantjustbeme.co.uk or you can email your dilemma to itcantjustbeme at podomo.com. We really like to hear from you as well. If you've got any answers to any of the dilemmas you've heard, if you've got some advice that you want to share, then get in touch with us. And don't forget, you can also find us on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube and Facebook. Just search for It Can't Just Be Me, because whatever you're dealing with at the moment, I promise you, it really isn't just you.

From Podimo and Mags, this has been It't just be me hosted by me Anna Richardson the producers are Laura Williams and Christy Calloway-Gale with support from Amanda Bibara the editor is Kit Nilsson and the executive producers for Podimo are Jake Chudnow and Matt White the executive producer for Mags is James Norman Fyfe. Don't forget to follow the show or for early access to episodes and to listen ad-free, subscribe to Podimo UK on Apple Podcasts.