It Can't Just Be Me - 26: Festive Fun with Sophie Habboo

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

It’s a festive special in the studio today as Anna and guests tackle the classic seasonal dilemma of how to split your time at Christmas while doing your very best to keep everyone happy. Our listener Ellie is not only trying to figure out how to fit in time with family and friends alongside a job with anti-social hours, but she’s also in a long-distance relationship.Luckily, Anna has seasoned podcaster, TV personality and content creator Sophie Habboo on hand to help work through Ellie’s conundrum. Sophie not only co-hosts the podcast Wednesdays but she is, of course, co-star of the podcast Newlyweds with her husband Jamie Laing. Having spent several Christmases with Jamie’s family already, and with both parents living abroad, Sophie is no stranger to finding creative ways to portion up her time over the festive season.Bringing psychological expertise (as well as even more Festive magic) to the conversation is psychotherapist Fiona Kau. Together, Anna, Sophie and Fiona discuss why we put so much pressure on ourselves at this time of year, unspoken family dynamics and learning to make space for your partner’s family. Not to mention the guilt, arguments, and passive-aggressive emails! They also share advice for a listener who is, like so many of us, on a tight budget this Christmas, and offer up tips for someone who wants to approach the New Year with a more positive mentality.  So get comfy with your favourite festive treat. This one’s a Christmas feast for the ears!  …Have questions about sex? Divorce? Motherhood? Menopause? Mental health? With no topic off limits, Anna’s here to prove that whatever you’re going through, it’s not just you.If you have a dilemma you’d like unpacked, visit itcantjustbeme.co.uk and record a voice note. Or tell Anna all about it in an email to [e-mail] podcast contains adult themes that may not be suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. Please note that advice given on this podcast is not intended to replace the input of a trained professional. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional. From Podimo & Mags CreativeProducers: Laura Williams and Christy Callaway-GaleEditor: Kit MilsomTheme music: Kit MilsomExecutive producers for Podimo: Jake Chudnow and Matt WhiteFollow @itcantjustbemepod and @podimo_uk on Instagram and @itcantjustbemepod on TikTok for regular updates.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily, with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout. Want to go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45-minute Tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit One onepeloton.ca. this time of year we're supposed to spend a lot of time with family and friends and love it but sometimes let's face it it can feel a little bit too much. So my dilemma today is from someone who's

asking for advice around exactly this problem. She's in a long distance relationship and is wondering how to juggle spending time with her family and friends, seeing her boyfriend and his family, as well as holding down her job without upsetting anyone. Hmm. My mind is going to guilt, arguments and passive aggressive emails already. But I promise we'll find some more helpful advice than that in today's episode. So let's deck the halls and dig out the tinsel for this special episode of It Can't Just Be Me. Hi, Anna. Hey, Anna. Hey, Anna.

Hi, Anna. Hey, Anna. Hi, Anna. Hi, Anna. Hi, Anna. It can't just be me who's really struggling with staying faithful. I definitely got menopause brain. I really want children and he doesn't.

I had feelings of jealousy. It's just all around the middle. I feel like a Teletubby. And then I hated myself for feeling that way. If you've got any advice. I would really appreciate any advice. It can't just be me. It can't just be me, right? My guest today is one half of two of the most dynamic duos in podcasting. She co-hosts both the Newlyweds podcast, previously Nearlyweds, and Wednesdays. It is, of course, the sensational Sophie Haboo. Sophie joined the Made in Chelsea gang in 2017, and she soon became a firm favourite with viewers and co-stars alike. One member of the cast who particularly warmed to her is her best friend

turned boyfriend and now husband, Jamie Lang. Sophie is a woman with a lot of friends, family and fans counting on her. So I know today's dilemma will resonate. Here she is everyone, Sophie Haboo. Sophie Haboo, season's greetings. How are you? Hello. I'm so excited to be here. Hello, you. I mean, you look absolutely amazing. You've brought some gorgeous energy into the studio and I absolutely love you for that. But how are you feeling? Because we're in the run-up to Christmas. Are you feeling excited? Are you feeling a bit anxious? How is it for you? Do you know what? I normally feel slightly more anxious, but this year I feel really festive and excited.

Really? Yeah. My parents are separated and we're all together for Christmas. That'll be a lot, but it'll be very fun. I will be picking your brains about that because I've got a similar situation going on with my family. But before we get into the whole Christmas shenanigans, each week I ask my guests to share

their very own It Can't Just Be Me dilemma. So what have you got for us, Habs? Okay, right. I'm going to try to keep this concise, but It Can't Just Be Me, that feels slightly nostalgic for the past every Christmas. I love Christmas. I'm really excited. But a little part of me just, as the years go on, I'm like, oh no, it's another year that I'm getting older. I know. As the years roll by,

this just gets a lot worse. I think that's why old people cry all the time at Christmas. And it's like Christmas films. And then they start going on about, you know, when I was six. That's why I feel like I'm like now. I know. It gets worse. Great. Can't was six. That's why I feel like I'm late now. I know.

It gets worse. Great. Can't wait. Sorry, just thought I'd better give you that devastating news. No. Enjoy. I was hoping you were going to give me some, don't worry, it gets better. But it is that thing, isn't it?

It just seems to, I don't know, I miss being a little girl at Christmas. I know. The magic of it all. So I'm feeling like that might all be reborn when I have touched with children. This is it. I think that's what's going to happen for you, is that when you and Jamie have your babies, suddenly you will rediscover the joy and the magic of Christmas.

Okay, so I'm holding on to that. Hold on to that one. Now listen, let's wheel ourselves back around to consider the festive dilemma that we're going to be tackling today. And to help us out with this one as well, we've also invited psychotherapist Fiona Kau onto the show. Fiona is originally from Germany, but has been in the UK for three years. And we found her through our friends at the London practice. And she runs her own private practice as well. So Fiona, welcome. Thank you so much for coming into the studio. Thank you so much for having me. It's really exciting to be here. What is Christmas

like in Germany? It's very festive as well. You know what? One thing I miss so much in London, I mean, London is gorgeous with all the lights, but the Christmas markets are not the same. Christmas markets in Germany are absolutely magical. Well, do you know, because obviously Sophie and I are slightly obsessed with Christmas and I hang on to the magic of when we were kids as well with the whole Christmas thing. Give me some joy. What are the Christmas markets like in Germany? They're really big and there's decoration everywhere and there's stands

and it's kind of like it smells like mulled wine everywhere. And then there's merry-go-rounds for kids. Get me to Germany. You should come. It's absolutely gorgeous. Is everything made out of gingerbread? Are there reindeers? You know what?

It could be. Wow. So are you a bit disappointed to be here then, Fiona? A little bit. But you know what? I'm flying there this weekend. Okay. Now listen.

Let's get back to the task in hand. This dilemma is from Ellie. She's 28. Here goes. Hi, Anna. My dilemma is to do with Christmas and how to spend my time. So me and my boyfriend have been together for two years. He has recently moved back home to Northern Ireland. And I live in the south of England where I've just started working in a care home, meaning the hours are a bit antisocial and I only get my rota the week before. So it's always quite hard to plan things and juggle my time between them. I'm going away travelling in the new year,

so I want to earn as much money as I can, but also I want to spend Christmas seeing family, friends and also spending time with my boyfriend. He has asked me to spend some time with him and his family in Northern Ireland, which I'd really love to do, but I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to make it work. I really want to spend some time with him over the festive season and see him before I go away he's always been so good at coming and

seeing me and my family and friends and I'm aware that it definitely is my turn to spend time with him and if he did come to mine it's all a bit chaotic we wouldn't really have much space to be up by ourselves I don't know do you have any advice on how I should split my time whether I should be here with my family and friends trying to work and trying to see him as well thank you I mean this is complicated I have to say Ellie your dilemma is making me relive the past 43 years of my life, where basically myself and my brothers were shunted around the UK trying to squeeze everybody in at Christmas. My parents split when I was 10. So there was a lot of, you know, going around,

seeing mum, dad, various other people. And this just involved packing the car, unpacking the car, repacking the car, eating Terry's chocolate oranges in the back and basically drinking sherry. And that was just the kids. So I hear you, Ellie. This is difficult. Sophie and Fiona, is this ringing any Christmas bells for you? Just kind of like the chaos of Christmas and being pulled apart.

Sophie? Oh my God, massively. Like you, my parents split around that age too. So I was always at one or the other and it was also the guilt you felt from not spending it with either side what even when you were a kid yeah even when I was a kid parents make me feel guilty but I did sort of feel that guilt and then now obviously I'm married and I've spent I have spent some Christmases with Jamie's family and even that it was sort of a transition.

You know, you feel like you're spreading yourself quite thin. I think it definitely rings bells. And it's definitely chaotic. I really feel for you. I'm interested in the fact that you identify with that sort of, you know, split family thing as well. And trying to pull yourself apart. Fiona, how about for you?

Does any of this ring bells for you? Just the chaos of going around the country in Germany? Oh my God, definitely. I think it's kind of this, what comes up for me is this trying to make everything work, trying to squeeze everything in and trying to make everyone happy. I think this is really tough. Absolutely. Just out of interest, why do you think we put ourselves under so much pressure at this time of year? Because every year, I think we seem to go, I'm never going to do that again. The amount of times that I've said to myself as an adult, I will never do that again. And then I find myself in November going, right, I'm going to just try and ram everybody in and do exactly the same thing as

I did last year. Why do we put that pressure on ourselves, do you think? I think it's cultural. I think also with Christmas being towards the end of the year, we prepare ourselves the whole year for kind of this peak, you know, everything's building up. And then there's so much going on before that we try to squeeze everything in. And I think then also there's this notion of, oh, everyone needs to be happy. We need to be a happy family. think then also there's this notion of oh everyone needs to be happy we need to be a happy family and that puts so much pressure on people because actually it's the opposite on Christmas we're crammed into a house too many people too many characters and that's actually yeah that's conflict oh I would say I love that I would say so what do you you think, Sophie? I mean, why do we put this amount of pressure on ourselves? I think we look at all the movies.

I definitely grew up thinking like, oh, Christmas has got to be perfect and we've got to be the best family and we've got to have the best decorations. And I think sort of the advertising, which makes Christmas special and the hype around it and the lights are on and it's all twinkly and perfect.

But that sort of pressure and postcard idea of Christmas makes us feel like we have to be performing and ticking all the right boxes. That's true. That we sort of grew up seeing. And then we end up putting so much pressure on ourselves. We feel so guilty if we let anyone down. Because I'm just thinking again, you've really got me thinking about, about you know when we were children and the magic of the whole thing because I grew up in a vicarage and the church was right next to our vicarage because my dad was the vicar and it was a beautiful medieval church and you know Christmas was so magical so do you think

we're just constantly trying to capture what we had when we were little I 100% think we are and I distinctly remember sort of it shifting when I got to a saddened age maybe it was like 14 or whatever it was I think I remember being like this doesn't feel like Christmas our shit I remember my mum didn't get me a stocking and yes the Christmas tree she couldn't really be bothered and what like and I think maybe that is part of it. We're just, we need to, it's hard to change with the times and adapt. Did you have this, Fiona? I mean, because you talked about the Christmas markets in Germany.

Did you have wonderful Christmases when you were a kid? One hundred percent. It was so magical. And I think what came up for me is kind of this, we're literally unaware of how much pressure and how much work there is for me is kind of this we're blissfully unaware of how much pressure and how much work there is for our parents to make this happen like for us the Christmas room was locked for days and we wouldn't we didn't know what was going on and then on the Christmas day my dad would ring a bell and we would be allowed to come downstairs and there

was a massive Christmas tree and it was we had real candles and the music was playing in my corner with my presents and I think I I'm there. I agree with Sophie. We want to, and I think that's also psychologically, we want to recreate that magic that we had as a kid. Okay. So it sounds to me as though Ellie is in an impossible situation. So let's start with that long distance relationship of hers, which she's talking about throughout this dilemma.

Fiona, how much pressure does that put on a couple, sort of not even being in the same country? I think it puts massive pressure. And because it's so difficult to kind of handle it all, you want to see each other as a couple, but then the families come into that. And then obviously, Ali has her work as well, which I already really feel for. If you work on a rota, right, it's really hard. You don't know your hours. So it's put so much pressure on a couple to manage that communication and manage your alone time as well. It's really, really difficult. It is hard, isn't it? And I'm glad you mentioned her work and the fact that she's got this rota going on because I'm getting a sense from her dilemma, just of general chaos. She doesn't know

her rota. She doesn't know her rota. She doesn't know what she's going to be doing. Her boyfriend's gone back to Ireland. It just feels a little bit chaotic. What does that sense of not knowing what's going on do to our minds psychologically and our brains, would you say? Well, I think we find the unknown really difficult to live with. We find that very uncomfortable. And I get a sense from Ellie that she kind of wants to make everything happen. She wants to save money. She wants to make everyone else happy. She wants to see her family. She wants to kind of please her boyfriend's family. And I can already like, I feel overwhelmed already. It's too much. I think it's unrealistic to make it all happen. I'm going to come back to that in a second because you're absolutely right.

But Sophie, just going back to you guys. So there's you, there's Jamie, there's your mum and your dad, and you've told us that actually they are separated. And then you've got Jamie's family. Are his parents still together? No, and he's got about seven brothers and sisters. I should probably know. I could count them all.

He's got Jem, Tash, George, Zanda, and Emmy. So he's got seven brothers and sisters. I should probably know. I could count them all. He's got Jem, Tash, George, Xander and Emmy. So he's got five brothers and sisters. Right. So there's a lot. So we're talking now four different families. Yeah. And then there's you guys as a married couple. You've also got your friends and your incredibly busy work commitments.

I mean, how do you look so calm? I don't get it. Are you not completely stressed out? This year we're going skiing with the family and it's been organised by my dad, which he's, you know, feels like I'm a little girl again with him organising the holidays. And it's just really nice because normally it's Jamie's mum and his dad separated, but they both live very near each other in the countryside. So we would go to one in the morning and the other in the afternoon. And then my parents live abroad.

My mum in Portugal, dad in Spain. So it was really hard to manage it all. And this year it's, you know, it's been taken out of our hands. Hold on. I need to rewind and reverse into, so Jamie's mum and dad are in the country. They live quite close to each other. Your mum is in Spain. No, my mum's in Portugal and dad's in Spain.

I mean, previously, how have you navigated at Christmas seeing all of these people? It's been really hard. And actually both my parents decided to move, even though they're separated at the same time. They moved just before lockdown, the first covid so it was really hard over covid because I'd always spent Christmas with my family and then suddenly I wasn't able to go to my mum knowing she was alone and the same with my dad knowing he was alone I had such a guilt I wanted to be with them

I'd probably been going out with Jamie for a year I suddenly was going to his family's house for Christmas with their traditions and their family. So I really feel for this girl writing in with the dilemma because I've definitely been there and it's just that sense of trying to juggle it all. I'm always very conscious of the unspoken family dynamics that go on within our own families. And also, as you say, Sophie, when our parents split up and

perhaps meet other people or you meet a new partner and you get enveloped in their family, the unspoken family dynamics, it's a difficult thing to manage, Fiona, isn't it? Oh, definitely. I mean, I really become my child version when I go back. I have two sisters, two older sisters, and I'm a caretaker I make sure that everyone's doing well and I've with my training I've really become aware of what role I take in groups and I love this and it's so interesting so when we go back to into our family dynamics we kind of go back to that role that we first learned who we are in groups and I'm a caretaker in other groups as well. I always like kind of look out

and I've really had to learn to step back. I think the guilt is really about responsibility, making sure you realize what am I actually responsible for? And can I actually trust maybe that my parents are mature enough to regulate and manage their own emotions? I want to mine this psychological information a little bit more. So

are you the oldest, the middle or the youngest? I'm the youngest. You're the youngest. And yet you took on the role of making sure that everybody was okay and taking care of everyone. Yeah, that's very interesting, right? I think, you know, and this is the whole kind of nature nurture. I think that's probably something I bring in genetically. And that's probably why I became a psychotherapist, right? It's because I am because I do notice a lot what's going on in a room. And it's so hard to step out of that role, right? Yeah. You're being cast into that role, the dynamics of the family bring it out in you. Yes. And you kind of like, you move out of your home, you become your own person, right? You establish your character, everything's going

well. And then you go home for Christmas. And then all of a sudden, you're like 12 years old. Yeah. Yeah. And being thrown into the role that you never wanted in the first place. So what's your role then, Sophie? I'm really, as you've been saying this, my mind's like... I think, I definitely think I was difficult.

I was definitely the difficult one. Still am. But surely also brilliant because you've done so well. I think my dad, I was, I love drama. And my dad really thrived off me being theatrical. So I don't know whether he liked that sort of element of me. But my sister was very, very clever. And she's also just very calm, level-headed.

So she's a brilliant one as well, but also more of the kind of like the nurturer than maybe. Yeah, she's definitely become the nurturer as we've gotten older. Like I call her with all my problems, poor thing. Do you? I see that I find this whole thing fascinating. So just going back into the unconscious, unspoken dynamics of other people's families,

it can be very difficult. I mean, Sophie, when you first got involved with Jamie's family, did you, and so many siblings as well, did you find it difficult to sort of find your position within it at Christmas and kind of like go, well, where do I fit in here? You know, Jamie's really confident on and off. Like there's a lot of energy going on. And his whole family are really energetic and super confident and I think you could have found it difficult to get involved

but they were really welcoming and I actually slipped in I hope I think quite well and got on with them and I'm also very close to his younger sister oh that's lovely so I think that made me feel super comfortable and we have a really good relationship. So actually they were welcoming, you're in the bosom of the family. I guess maybe now you're married as well, it makes a difference. But you found your position within it. That's lovely. And you're married as well, is that right Fiona? Yes, I'm also married. So how long have you been with your other half? Five years now. And what was it like when you first met your other half's family was it kind of like jostling to find your position you know what I was actually thinking that I often observe it's a bit

easier to go into someone else's family because all of a sudden we're not involved anymore we don't have that role we can become a bit of an observer and I actually always notice that I think my partner falls more into his roles maybe and I actually can step back and be like oh nice it's not my family I don't have to be I was gonna say take on my role is it quite nice to look at somebody else's family and go wow this is fucked up but mine was bad it's nice not to have any sort of like involvement like you say in that sense Not that they do have loads of arguments, but if they did, it wouldn't probably, you know, you can sort of step back. It doesn't affect you in the same way because you won't become your child self. Yes.

But do we? Do we accidentally then fall into a child self within other people's dynamics? You know what? I think if something is triggered in you that brings you there, if something comes up that really reminds you of when you were a child, then yes. I love having a psychotherapist on this show. So going back to Ellie's problem then, she's talking about how her boyfriend of two years, so it's still pretty recent, he's moved back to Ireland, back to the family.

We don't know whether she's met the family before or not. So I'm wondering whether she's experiencing a little bit of anxiety maybe about going back there and being with the family. What do you think Fiona? Because I can see your eyes. You're kind of like thinking this through. What's going on?

I think one thing I really had to learn through therapy myself was kind of making as much space for my partner's family as I make for my own and kind of learning that because I think people can become quite proprietorial with their own families and kind of, especially for Christmas, it's a special time. We've talked about the magic.

We want to go back to that. But I think in a long-term relationship, especially moving forward, it's really important to also make space for your partner's family and to find an agreement that works for both sides. Sophie, I mean, you were nodding there. So it sounds as though actually you found phenomenal space really for Jamie's family and that you feel incredibly welcomed within that family. So have you found enough space for them, do you think? And what about for your own family? I definitely think you have to compromise and find space for both.

It is hard. And I think the first year is probably the hardest because if she's used to spending Christmas with her family every year, the traditions might not be the same. She might feel a bit of guilt. But I think, you know, we have face time and there's always next year to be with your family. There is that, which we always forget, don't we?

So look, again, Ellie's situation sounds very stressful, that she's got this rota going on at work. She's a carer. She's got her own family, her own friends. She's got the boyfriend abroad, his family. She wants to go travelling. What is the danger here for her, do you think, Fiona? I think kind of forgetting herself.

I think trying to squeeze everything in. She's got work, she's got saving money, she's got the two families. And I think she might be at risk of kind of trying to do everything and then forgetting herself and being really rushed and then maybe ending up quite unhappy with the choices. Do you think this is quite a female thing of just forgetting ourselves and being boundaryless and sort of, you know, trying to juggle everything? Absolutely. Trying to do it all. I think this is such an issue for women. We really try to make everything happen.

And do you hear this with your clients? Oh, yes, definitely. I think especially, it might be a little bit of a millennials thing as well. You know, we're massive people pleasers as a generation. Yes, quite overachieving and people pleasing. And I think, you know, learning to be comfortable with letting people down. It's okay to say no. It's okay to say to your family, I won't make it this year. I will be there next year. And then kind of not taking on that guilt, not letting them guilt trip you. Oh, that's really hard. It is really, really hard. But you know, you are not responsible for how other people feel. I'm just putting myself into this sort of Christmassy position here thinking that is really hard to learn to say no, to not feel guilty, and to then not allow yourself to feel bad is tough. Because I think sometimes people want you to feel guilty, don't they? Don't they?

Especially at Christmas. Yes. It's like, oh, if you could come see us. It's like, well, you know I can't, so you're just teeing me up to disappoint me. And then there's the text, isn't there? Well, what a shame. You know what? That's manipulation.

So if people try and make you feel guilty, it's because they want to get their way. So that's really interesting. So if somebody is saying to you, look, I'm so sorry, but no, this year, we can't this year, what's a healthy response then? So rather than doing the well what a shame um what is the healthier way I think a healthy response is to hear the others other person's need to kind of say okay I hear it's important for you to do that and I think it's

also it's important to stay authentic you're allowed to say I will be sad that you're not there you know it's it's okay to say a kind of oh I feel that makes me feel sad I feel disappointed and that's nice actually isn't it because somebody being more vulnerable like that and going do you know what I was really looking forward to seeing you yeah that's that's okay yeah and that's a lovely thing to hear rather than you've really let me down and you know what and then the other person can say you know what I'm also really sad and then you have that moment of connection. So maybe in Ellie's case, is it a case of her sort of saying, I can't do it all to everybody

and just communicating in the way that you've just said, Fiona, going, I'm going to be really sad. Actually, I'm going to miss you this time. And then allow the other party to say me too. Yes, definitely. Next year. Yeah. And I think for Ellie, it's important, first of all, to decide what is her priority to kind me too. Yes, definitely. Next year. Yeah. And I think for Ellie, it's important, first of all, to decide what is her priority to kind of acknowledge I can't do it all. So what's the most important thing for me? Is it work? Is it saving the money? Is it family? And then start communicating with people.

So I guess there's a bit of a risk here that Ellie's boyfriend might feel like she's not prioritising their relationship, especially if she's about to go travelling. So how can she show him that she's valuing him, but without sort of sacrificing her own needs? What would you say? I actually really liked that the boyfriend was able to say that he wanted her there. I think this was like, oh, this is good. This is like a couple that communicates and he can communicate his needs I think if she were to let him down it's important that he can voice his feelings about this and that they can maybe then together find a compromise for what how we're going to work with this what would you say Sophie I think if I'm if I'm being totally honest I think if they've been going out for two years I think it's quite I'm like I think it's quite bold that he would expect her to spend Christmas with him do you I do I just think that that's a lot of pressure on her but then again I think he's been

spending Christmas with her family yes so she was saying actually he's been really good about yes but then at the same time I mean she's about to go traveling there's a lot going on she's he's possibly expecting her to go to Ireland it's a lot I don't think he should be putting pressure I think him saying you know I'd love for you to be with me is one thing but for her to feel pressure to go there and that she'd be letting him down I don't really think that's okay and And maybe what she could do is to suggest maybe she spends New Year's Eve with his family. That's what I would do.

That's a nice idea. I really love that. And actually, I think you raised such a valid point. I totally forgot about the two years. You're right. Like, it's also okay to say maybe I want this longer term or I'm not quite ready yet. Maybe there's something there as well.

Well done, you haps. I'm loving this. Okay. So I want to leave Ellie with some concrete advice. And I'd love to be able to give her some bite-sized tips so that she can manage this impossible task of trying to keep everybody happy. So Fiona, in terms of maybe one or two really good psychologically sound tips that she can take away with her, what would you say? You know, I have to say, accept that you can't make everyone happy. I think this would be the first one. And then really find out what are your core values, what is really important for you, and maybe pick two things. So, for example, there can be family, there can be relationships, there can be traveling, quality time.

Interesting. And then just pick two of them. Yes. Great. Sophie, what would your tips be? What would you recommend? I would really have a sit with yourself and think, who am I doing this for? I feel like, I don't know why, but I feel as though she may be feeling this pressure to go to Ireland for her boyfriend rather than it's something she wants to do and I think she should take that pressure away because she doesn't need to feel bad for being with her family and it feels like an easier fit for her with saving money with the work to be with her family in Christmas to tell her boyfriend she'd really love to be with him but you, you know, this year it's just slightly impossible. And, you know, I'm sure she makes it up to him in so many other ways.

That would be my advice. I think, girls, you're both absolutely right. Because there's something about, my therapist always says to me, put your own gas mask on first. So, you know, that makes sense to me that when we're, when we've got too much and we're feeling overburdened, nobody's going to win, are they? So you're quite right,

I think, to say put yourself first, Ellie, and decide exactly what is important to you. And as Fiona says, your values, your priorities, and just stick to those. Look after yourself first. You've got all the time in the world. Ellie, I hope that this conversation has been helpful for you. Remember, the festive season is meant to be fun. And when it stops being fun, it's time to take a step back and put your needs first. Now, Sophie, Fiona, I'm not done with you yet because it's time for some more festive feedback in the form of some Christmas quickfires.

Are you ready? Yes. Absolutely. Lovely. Now, this first one is going to be hugely relatable to so many people because it's about how to prioritise gifts and spending in the cost of living crisis that we're currently in. So here we go. Hi, Anna, it's Anne-Marie. I'm 49. I'm thinking that it can't just be me thinking about the Christmas dilemma of how much to spend per head for my children, my parents,

my friends. Usually I sort of treat my children as my priority and then my parents and friends in that order. But with the cost of living crisis, I'm thinking about whether perhaps I should maybe just focus on my children and then perhaps my parents parents but some of my friends it's their main present they don't have partners and it's a really important part of Christmas to them um so I'm not quite sure what order to do or you know how to reflect that in in what I spend so perhaps one idea would be to maybe do some kind of secret Santa approach and maybe agree in advance a fixed amount so it's fair um But then perhaps it takes the joy away. But if you've got any suggestions, I'd really love to hear what you think. Thanks very much.

Well, okay, to put this into context, the Evening Standard reported that 44% of adults in the UK at the moment are concerned about the cost of Christmas this year. So, Anne-Marie, you're really not alone with this one. And in fact, it's a conversation that I've had with my own family and my partner as well. So, I get it. Sophie, what do you reckon? Funnily enough, we're doing Secret Santa. And we're doing it with all my cousins, younger, older, and all my family. And so, we've capped it at £50 and Secret Santa. I think that's a great idea. That is a brilliant, because you must have like billions of relatives

that you've got to buy for. So Secret Santa, in that sense, is a really strong idea. And actually, it's really fun. There is a build-up to it, and it doesn't take the magic away. And you sort of get really excited about it. I think it's a good idea. And that's a really nice cap, isn't it? because if you have got a lot of people to buy for and I think that Anne Marie is kind of she's talking about her children then her parents then her friends you know

potentially becomes a lot of people to buy for so maybe just that sort of one secret Santa gift of it's and it's a decent amount 50 quid you're going to get something really nice for that so secret Santaanta and it doesn't take the joy away does it no not at all and you can actually do online now over like oh with elfster exactly i know i'm all over elfster it's just great have you heard of elfster no i haven't what is it so elfster is basically secret santa but you're able to put your own little tips on there as well as the things that you'd probably like to have rather than just receiving a load of shit from somebody. That's so good.

Yes. It's so smart. So actually saving, you're not going to be repackaging your present and selling it on. You don't want to re-gift. Not selling it. Dilemma solved.

I love that you resell your gifts on Cypress. I do not. Any of my family's a friend, isn't it? So Fiona, what do you think Anne-Marie should do here? Because she's saying that her children are her priority, but she's very worried about then obviously her parents, who will be fairly elderly, and then friends for whom actually they haven't got anybody else.

So what do you think that she should do? I really feel for her. I think, again, society creates such big expectations around Christmas and the advertising and we have to spend so much money and I think it really takes us away from what Christmas is about and I think that's really sad and I think again it's a bit about communication I know it's a tough communication to have to kind of say oh my budget is tight you know that's uncomfortable I can really relate to that. But it's so important.

I think money can create so much conflict. And if you try again to make everyone happy, and I'm sure her parents, her friends actually care more about something else than the present. So I really hope for her that she can maybe be honest about it. Say, I really would love to, you know, make all these gifts, but I can't. So, and then come up with solutions and then decide maybe together with them what works best for all of them that's a great idea so again you think just being communicative about the fact look this year money's

tight I'm not gonna lie it's difficult so come up with solutions i.e. we could do secret santa or maybe perhaps this year we could I could make something for you instead. That's something that me and my friends are doing and my family is that we're saying, look, let's make something this year for each other. Last year within my family, we had the idea of we're going to charity shops and you're getting something secondhand that you can then re-gift to somebody within the family. And it worked really nicely. So I got a crystal bowl and made a candle for my mum from a charity shop. So there's different things that you can do that doesn't mean you're blowing a load of cash. Absolutely. And remind yourself of kind of the shame that we might experience

around, you know, I think culturally, we want to be generous, we want to be a good parent, we want to be a good daughter. And remind yourself that, you know, the shame is maybe something that you feel. But I think if you open up that conversation, you're honest. I don't think any of your good friends, people who love you will never say, oh my God, but I want that really expensive gift. I just wanted to touch as well on children and children's expectations, because obviously, I just wanted to touch as well on children and children's expectations, because obviously Anne-Marie's saying that, you know, my kids are my priority. But is there something also valuable about teaching children that, look, this year, it's tricky, you know, we haven't got a lot of money this year. Is there something around containing children's expectations or are we

just then taking away the magic of Christmas? No, I don't, you know, children don't know how much a gift is worth. I think it's really important to also teach our children that money isn't there endlessly and that we work hard to get it. And I think there's a lot, I don't think that you miss out as a child if you don't have the most expensive gifts and the most expensive gadgets and everything.

I think that's very important to teach to your children that actually, yeah, sometimes you have to pick one or two things. What do you think, Sophie? I think the fun of presents when you were younger was opening the wrapping paper. So I think like you said, like making things or even wrapping up, you know, something in the house and giving it as a gift. You know, you could definitely go to charity shops and get them presents that way. I think that there is a lot of materialistic things now and children I think almost do lose the magic by just wanting

you know the next big gadget they're just opening things you know endlessly going oh here's another one here's another one totally just it's meaningless I definitely look at children now even from when I was growing up like the presents were not the same and it was not about that yes especially when they're young they're actually quite overwhelmed I see this with my nephews and nieces do you yeah one present often is enough that's really interesting that maybe for little ones yeah it's just too it can be too much yeah there's a lot going on nothing wrong with a piece of coal and a satsuma that's what I got and I was grateful. But so, Anne-Marie, I think the message here is that, look, don't be afraid to communicate

the fact that this year things are a little bit tricky. There are other ways of being creative with presents. We've talked about Secret Santa. You can also, you know, make your presents. You can prioritise in that way. There's nothing wrong with doing that. So I hope that's been helpful for you. And do you know what? Happy Christmas. Whatever happens, happy Christmas from the three of us here.

Thank you both. Now, my next dilemma is from Gwynny. Here goes. Hi, Anna. Around this time of year, I always feel a sort of pressure to think about everything I've done wrong this year and how I can change it and be better next year how can I not be so hard on myself but still use the new year as a chance to reset cheers oh man is this yeah I know the end of year self-hatred yep and then the new year resolution Sophie oh god don't look at me I never do my January New Year's resolutions. I think throughout the year, it's just good to set goals. The self-hatred and thinking about all the things you did wrong.

I think that again is coming back to the whole pressure of Christmas being perfect and you're meant to be in love and you're meant to have the perfect family. I think it's easier said than done, but just don't be so hard on yourself. And I don't think you're alone. I think loads of people are feeling that way. I know. I mean, in a way, this dilemma, you know, sort of saddens me. The fact that Gwynny's saying, you know,

I feel this pressure of what I've done wrong this year. I mean, Fiona, what was your feeling when you heard Gwynny say that? It made me really sad as well. I think, again, I think we create this pressure artificially. I mean, it's the 1st of January. It's just another 1st of the month. They happen so many times during the year. But for some reason, we really build up that pressure to this new year.

And I think it's actually very unrealistic. You will never stick to the resolutions. I actually don't make them. Do you not? No. I don't either because I just think they're going to be over by the 2nd of January. So what's the point? Exactly. So effectively, if Gwynny were your client and she was saying, I'm feeling really guilty, I feel this pressure to be better. What would you say to her? So we would unpack that together and actually thought about that. So very often we want to understand what are the underlying reasons? What is it that makes her do that? And I think what

could be really helpful for Gwynny is maybe sit down, journal a little bit. And instead of asking the question, why am I doing this? It's the question that's very unhelpful. It's asking the question, what makes me do that? So there you go, Gwynny. That's very interesting. What is making you feel as though you've been bad this year and that you've got to somehow have a New Year's resolution to fix it? Because you know what? You don't need to be fixed. Absolutely. Sophie, in the spirit of the season, I have to say, it has been a total gift to have had you with us in the studio today. So thank you so much for taking the time and the effort to come and be with us today and give us your amazing insight. I know you have your own advice podcast, so you are

clearly brilliant at doing this. Thank you for such a gorgeous christmas elf and helping us oh thank you and of course fiona cow thank you so much for joining us as well and giving us your therapeutic insights into what can be a very tricky time of year for a lot of people so thank you for coming in it was a real pleasure thank you anna i'll be back next week with a new episode of it can't just be me in the meantime you know where to find me. If you have a dilemma you'd like some advice on, then drop me a voice note at itcantjustbeme.co.uk or you can email your dilemma to itcantjustbeme at podimo.com.

You can find us on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube and Facebook. Just search for It Can't Just Be Me. Whatever you're dealing with, it really isn't just you. From Podimo and Mags, this has been It Can't Just Be Me, hosted by me, Anna Richardson. The producers are Laura Williams and Christy Calloway-Gale. The editor is Kit Nilsson. And the executive producers for Podimo are Jake Chudnow and Matt White.

The executive producer for Mags is James Norman Fyfe. Don't forget to follow the show or for early access to episodes and to listen ad-free, subscribe to Podimo UK on Apple Podcasts. We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily, with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout.

Want to go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45-minute Tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit onepeloton.ca.