It Can't Just Be Me - 4: Coming out in later life? With Dr Ranj Singh

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

Medical doctor and TV presenter Ranj Singh came out at the age of thirty after being married to a woman. In this episode he and Anna reflect on their own experiences of coming out, and unpack a dilemma from a gay woman who wants her male exes to know that their relationship was authentic.We want to thank Erene Hadjiioannou who joined Anna and Ranj for this recording. Erene is an Integrative Psychotherapist who specialises in LGBT+ matters. In the episode Erene recommends a resource called Mapping Your Sexuality. You can find it here.  Dr Ranj also recommended The Sleep Charity.…Have questions about sex? Divorce? Motherhood? Menopause? Mental health? With no topic off limits, Anna’s here to prove that whatever you’re going through, it’s not just you.If you have a dilemma you’d like unpacked, visit itcantjustbeme.co.uk and record a voice note. Or tell Anna all about it in an email to [e-mail] podcast contains adult themes that may not be suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. Please note that advice given on this podcast is not intended to replace the input of a trained professional. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional. From Podimo & Mags CreativeProducer: Alice Homewood with support from Laura WilliamsEditor: Kit MilsomTheme music: Kit MilsomExecutive producers for Podimo: Jake Chudnow and Matt WhiteFollow @annarichardso and @podimo_uk on Instagram for weekly updates Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Ashley. And I'm Lauren. And this is Nip Tuck Not Giving A... Lauren, not on here, please. Sorry. This is the podcast where we celebrate being positive, aspirational women. It's all about being unapologetically yourself. We've got all the top tips in beauty treatments and cosmetics.

We love to chat icks and help you with all your juicy dilemmas. There's a new episode every Wednesday, plus a bonus, babes, which is all about you on a Friday. We'll see you there. Oh, hello there. You're listening to It Can't Just Be Me, and this is the podcast that takes a super juicy dilemma and dives right into the heart of it with the help of a wise celebrity guest

and an even wiser expert, all in the interest of getting you some brilliant advice. Now, in today's episode, we're talking all about coming out in later life, which is something I'm especially interested in, not least because it's something I had to face myself when I fell in love with another woman, even though I was in a long-term relationship with a fella. I mean, tricky. So on that note, let's get cracking. Welcome to It Can't Just Be Me. Hi Anna. Hey Anna. Hey Anna. Hi Anna. Hey Anna. Hi Anna. Hi Anna. Hi Anna. It can't

just be me who's really struggling with staying faithful. I definitely got menopause brain. I really want children and he doesn't. I had feelings of jealousy. It's just all around the middle. I feel like a Teletubby. And then I hated myself for feeling that way. If you've got any advice. I would really appreciate any advice. It can't just be me.

It can't just be me, right? My celebrity guest today is Dr. Ranj Singh. You have no doubt seen Ranj all over telly, either giving medical advice as the resident doctor on This Morning, cooking up a storm on Cooking with the Stars, or sashaying away on Strictly Come Dancing. But the reason I've asked Ranj onto the show this week is because he came out himself in later life, so couldn't be more perfect when it comes to giving us some great insight on our topic for today. Ranj was actually married to a woman for five years before he came out to her in 2011. And for Ranj, the whole process was pretty tough. But I think the most important part of his story

is the hope that he held onto throughout and the support he received. He knew he deserved to be happy and more importantly, he deserved to be himself. I think he's an inspiration and I think you will too. So let's meet Ranj. Hello, Dr. Ranj. Hello, how are you? I'm really good. Welcome to It Can't Just Be Me. Now, we have the rather thorny topic of coming out in later life to get our teeth into later on. And I know that you have had your own very difficult, but really touching personal story around that. But before we get into that, we always have a mini It Can't Just Be Me dilemma. So what you got for me, Ranj? Oh, it can't just be me that hates the sound of people who chew their food out loud.

In my case, it's especially my dad. I have to leave the room every time I go to visit my parents and then make a cup of tea or something. He just does that horrible slurping like thing. And then when he chews thing and it's just and then when he chews it's like it's oh so it's mouth open oh no fully for all the sounds all the slapping of the chops and it's just no i know there's a whole asmr thing that people are really into and they they love the sound of people eating pickles

or something from a microwave or whatever it is. Really? I've never heard about this. Hold on, what is ASMR? It's like people

that are whispering into the microwave. Is this like a pervy thing we're talking about? No, I don't know. I think it helps them sleep. Oh, I see. So it's a therapy thing.

But then there's also people who actually enjoy listening to people eat to stop and listening to the noise, like mukbang and all that kind of stuff, which sounds really dodgy. You've really looked into this. I may have watched a few things on social media,

but it's people eating, like, that slapping sort of noise. I just can't. So it's this. Oh! For all of those people at home listening. What's your dad called? Paul. Paul, Paul, for me and your son, pack it in. Yeah, please. Pack it in. Now, as much as I would love to talk about pet hates all day, and particularly that particular sound, we do actually have a professional job to do this afternoon, which is to give our thoughts and advice on a dilemma that we've had through.

And to help us do that, we are joined remotely today by another guest, Irini Hadjianou, who is a psychotherapist specialising in LGBTQ plus matters. Welcome, Irini. Thank you. Lovely to be here. Thanks for having me. Thank you very much indeed for being with us today. Now look, today's dilemma is from Megan, who is in her 30s. She got in touch with us via email, so I'll be reading this out for the three of us. I came out as a lesbian later in life after being in relationships with men. And even though I'm now in a loving relationship with a woman, I still feel that I'm not as good as other lesbians who are gold star lesbians.

By the way, gold star lesbian is a term used for lesbians who have never had sex with men. So Megan goes on, through my teens and twenties, I knew I was attracted to women, but felt really shy around them. So during this time, my only long-term relationships were with men. I find it embarrassing when someone brings up my exes, but I also feel bad for my male exes, who I'm still friends with, as I don't want them to feel that our relationship was a lie. I did really love them at the time, just not in the same way that I love my female partner now. Okay, so it seems very obvious that there are two main parts to Megan's dilemma.

The first is feeling judged on how good a lesbian she is. And the second is a feeling of guilt around her male exes. So, Ranj, while you were listening to that, what was going on in your head? Firstly, I would say to Megan that she needs to remember she's by no means alone in this sort of situation or these sorts of feelings. Lots of people have and are going through very similar things. She will, with time, understand who she is more. And that's the beauty of it. I remember one of my friends, a gay friend, when I came out saying to me, oh my gosh, I'm so jealous you're at the start of your journey

and you're about to experience so much joy. And he was absolutely right. Things get so much better. To me, having gone through a similar experience, so I came out when I was 30. I suppose since then, it's been over 10 years now, I've learned a lot about myself and my sexuality. And I've learned that sexuality isn't black and white. I never really thought it was in the first place. But even my own sexuality isn't as black and white as I thought. And things change over time. And the one feeling that I get from that email is a sense of shame still. From Megan. Yeah, from Megan that there's still, and I feel like people that come out later in life, it's a pervading feeling actually,

because you feel like you've lived a certain life up to this point and now you're a completely different person. And what you're trying to now do is justify it to everybody else. There's a hell of a lot of shame, I think, that's involved in that because you don't want people to think I've been deceiving you my entire life because I haven't. I've been trying to be the person I thought I was supposed to be. And I thought I was and I thought I wanted to be. It's only when I grew up and came into Mona, I realised actually, I've not got this completely right. And that's why I totally empathise and sympathise with her. I want to talk to you a little bit more about your own story shortly. But Irini, if I just bring you into this as well, is that something that in your practice,

you hear a lot, that sense of shame about coming out perhaps in later life? Yeah, absolutely. It's really tricky because not a lot of people are aware of the fact that our sense of self, including our sexuality, can actually change over time. And it's really difficult trying to come to terms with the fact that doesn't negate the person you were before or the people that you've loved or the way that you've been or the way that you've chosen to live your life. With my clients, sometimes the work that we do to address this is thinking about internalized shame and how that shows up. So for people who are bisexual or pansexual or have identified as straight in their earlier life and then changed when they're older, it's that worry about,

am I LGBT enough for LGBT spaces? Can I legitimately go out dating, for example? And also for now, I'm not straight enough for straight spaces either. So where do I put myself? That's something that comes up quite a lot. And I think, yeah, you're doing well to identify shame so early on because that can really prevent us from connecting with people. Can we talk a little bit more about gold star lesbian? I've never heard that term before. I've never heard that either, but there is a gay equivalent. What's the equivalent? So platinum gays are gay men. These are slang terms, everyone. These are not things that I've made up. A platinum gay is a gay man who has never had sex with a woman,

never touched a vagina, so therefore was born by cesarean section. Wow. So he's never gone near a woman's vagina. Whereas a gold star gay is one that has never had a sexual experience with a woman or gone near a vagina but was born by a normal vagina delivery and then you've got various layers after that and i deduced from that that i was tin i was probably a tin gay but you know what what struck me about you saying about there are platinum gays? I'm like, well, of course they would have to trump the women, wouldn't they? It would have to be better than being a gold star lesbian. Of course, they have to, don't they?

So just tell us a bit more about it, Irini. A gold star lesbian, some people find that term, and in fact, actually, I think I do, they find that term quite offensive. There's a touch of biphobia about that, surely. Yeah, I think sometimes for some people that really struggle with that more kind of hierarchical or fixed label is that it is okay, well, I'm not allowed to belong to this community. And certainly as a psychotherapist, where we are literally talking because we're doing talking

therapy, I think about language a lot with the people that I support and labels can be helpful, certainly, but they can also be limiting, restrictive and yeah, can definitely have an impact. I'm going to just circle back on to labels a little bit later on, actually, because I think it's really important to discuss the whole labelling of people. But before we do that, Ranj, you discussed that, like Megan, you were married to somebody before you came out. So you were married to a woman before you came out. Can you just tell us a little bit more about your story? Yeah. So I come from quite a conservative Indian background, I would say. You're Sikh, right?

Yes, I'm Sikh. Punjabi Sikh family, working class, if you want to say that. And my parents are quite traditional. They were quite religious when we were growing up and very traditional in the Indian sense. And we were brought up in that sort of environment. And I guess growing up, I always thought that my life was going to be a certain way. Happiness looked like this. And that's what I was always aspiring to. And that's what I wanted. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be married. I wanted to have children and I wanted to have a nice job and a nice home. All those lovely things that you aspire to have when you're a kid. And I had this picture of happiness in my head and I thought, that's it. I went through

school. I went through university. I had my very first girlfriend at university. And can I ask you, when you had your very first girlfriend and when you could see that picture in your head when you were growing up, did it feel comfortable? Did it feel right? Or did you always feel slightly other? No, I didn't really. So interestingly, in hindsight, knowing what I know now and the experience I've had now, thinking back, my viewpoint of sexuality growing up always was that, do you know what? I don't think sexuality is a black and white thing. It's a spectrum of different things. I had gay friends and things like that, and that was never

really an issue to me. But whenever a thought would come into my mind thinking, oh, that guy looks quite attractive. I'd always think, yeah, but that's not really, that's not you. That's not you. That's just a thought that you've had. And that's okay. It wasn't really anything I'd beat myself up over or anything. I just didn't entertain it. And I guess I just put it out of the way, put it out of mind and thought, yeah, anyway. So it wasn't really something I'd explored at all. It was only as I was getting older and thinking, hang on a minute, these thoughts are still there and thinking, I don't know, maybe I am a little bit gay. But actually, that doesn't seem to be the overriding part of me. Anyway, so then I met my ex-wife when I started my first job. And I was always adamant, even though my parents were like, oh, gosh, we'll find you someone, blah, blah, blah. I was like,

that worst thing in the world. I do not want anyone found for me. Thank you very much. I'd much rather find my own person. So I fell in love with someone and it was everything I wanted it to be. It was everything I needed it to be. And we got married and it was to this day, one of the best days of my life. That's wonderful. And I have so many lovely memories, so many good, joyous, beautiful memories.

Can I ask how old were you? When I got married? Yeah. I got married at 26. And you're how old now? I'm now 43. Okay, so nearly 20 years ago. But you were in love?

Yes, absolutely. And she was your best friend? Yes. And that's, I think, the reason I kind of fell in love with her was because we got on so well. We were so similar in so many ways. And so I had this best friend that I was in love with. It was perfect. It was everything I wanted it to be.

And then a few years after we got married, I think the pressures of life kind of started to take hold a little bit. And I think maybe I started to think to myself, there's something missing. I don't feel completely happy. Like this idea of happiness that I had, why is it not making me feel like I thought it would? And the relationship just gradually started to break down over time. And then it got to a point where we went to marriage counselling. Did you? We did. And that didn't really help, to be honest. I think the struggles weren't just on my part, though. I think it was a mutual struggle. Of course. It's a dynamic. It's a dynamic. We went on holiday. It was a make or

break holiday. Gosh. And it broke. And I said, look, I can't do this. I can't. I think I sat there and thought, could I be with you for the rest of my life? And I thought, I don't think I sat there and thought could I be with you for the rest of my life and I thought I don't think I can actually I've come to this realization that I don't think I can and did you think I can't be married to you for the rest of my life or did you think but I still want you as my friend I want you in my life I just can't have you as an intimate partner. Absolutely. And I think at the time it was kind of like, there's a part of me that I need to work out. And I think that our relationship isn't working because I haven't completely been able to understand who I am.

But I don't want to lose you. I do not want to lose you. Like we may not be able to be husband and wife going forward, but I don't want to lose you as a friend. And that's the hardest part of it, I think. And how long were you married for? So we were married for about three years. Okay, so a significant portion of time.

Yeah, we'd been together for two or three years before that as well. We'd been a part of each other's lives for a significant period of time. So when you said to your ex-wife, look, there's something in me that I just need to work out. There's something missing, but I don't want to lose you. What did you guys decide to do? Did you separate? Did you carry on living together? The relationship actually broke down. We separated and then I went to counselling. I see. Counselling only works if you face things head on and you're 100% honest with yourself. Yes, I think there's no point in going to any kind of therapy if you're not prepared to actually do the work. You have to let your barriers

down and I let all of my barriers down. And that was the first time I think I said it out loud was, I don't think I'm straight. Interesting. In therapy. And then once I had that bit of therapy, and that was whilst we were separated, I spoke to my best friend, Jess, who incidentally was going through a similar process herself and coming into her own as a lesbian. And I shared it with her and she said, look, you have to tell your ex.

I know your marriage is pretty much over, but you have to tell her that you've gone through this process and you've learned this about yourself. And so my wife was the second person I think I ever told. And the first thing she said to me, gosh, I didn't expect you to say that. Oh, really? Yeah, she was like, because we used to have loads of gay friends. She's a very open minded lady. She didn't have any hang ups about that sort of stuff.

But I didn't think she thought that was what I was going to say to her. The problem, in inverted commas was interesting. And I think that we've agreed or sort of understood that we would still be in each other's lives to some extent but it was only when everybody else got involved and heard about it, family members in particular, who weren't as open-minded, that's when I think things started to get really difficult. Irini, I want to pull you into this conversation. Obviously, there's so much more to say, Ranj, about your personal story. But is this sounding familiar to you, Irini, that when people come to see you and their relationship is falling apart because that person recognises that perhaps they're embracing a different part of their sexuality.

Are there too many voices that go on? There's a lot of moving pieces. And I think that's a bit of what you're acknowledging. And I think what's important to remember in these sorts of situations as well is that our sexuality, it's not necessarily about sex in and of itself. It's actually a sense of self, like who we are. So when I'm supporting with people that have dealt with this, I try to remind them that actually, in terms of being yourself, it's not necessarily the case that there's been an infidelity of any kind, which is often what it might feel like for some people. So I'm not attracted to the person that I've married, or I don't want to stay in this particular relationship with them. So therefore I've committed some sort of infidelity. But then again, we might

be coming up against that shame. And that may be internalised kind of shame that we've noted a little bit earlier, I would say. So that's one example. It's really interesting. My neighbour at the time, when I was going through that and realising who I was, was gay. And I spoke to him about it and he said, look, being gay is not just about who you sleep with. Being gay is an entire life. It's about so much more. And it's only then that I really thought, gosh, he's absolutely right. Because I couldn't come to terms with the word gay.

And I think part of it was a shame thing. And part of it was, it just didn't fit. It just didn't fit. And it still doesn't, which is why I now would talk about labels as you were saying. I don't identify as gay as such because it doesn't feel like it. And he said to me, he goes, Ranj, that such because it doesn't feel like it. And he said

to me, he goes, Ranj, that's because being gay isn't just about who you sleep with. It's about so much more than that. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. I feel exactly the same way, by the way, I've got my own story here. I was with a guy for 18 years and I never have fully identified as straight, but that's always been my experience is that I've always had boyfriends. I love men and I'm attracted to men. And I was with my boyfriend for 18 years and then I fell in love with a woman. And, you know, I fell in love with her, simple as that. It was the most intense, extraordinary relationship of my life. And obviously, you know, I found her deeply attractive as well. But when I left my boyfriend for the person I fell in love with, I experienced

prejudice from the, in inverted commas, straight community, where people thought it was funny. They thought it was hilarious that I was with a woman. And I found that really difficult to cope with, that there were some people that thought it was entertaining almost or a weirdness. But now that relationship sadly is over, albeit we're still very good friends, and I'm dating a guy, I'm getting a similar feeling from the LGBTQI community, much as I love our community and I feel very held by them. I still get the occasional raised eyebrow about the fact that I'm now seeing a guy. So I feel othered by everyone. And that's quite hard, isn't it? People like to put people in pigeon holes because it helps us make sense of the world around us. If you're a square peg that doesn't fit

into any sort of round hole, then actually people are scared. They don't like what they don't understand. That's a very human, it's a very primal instinct. Irini, I could see you nodding your head there. Again, does that make sense from your point of a very primal instinct. Irini I could see you nodding your head there again does that make sense from your point of view? Yeah absolutely what you're describing is very common I think it's a way in part of how binaries restrictive binaries show up even in the LGBT community so a little bit of what I was saying earlier that idea of am I not gay enough for this space or am I too straight for this whatever it might be and I think it's really difficult when I guess those fixed ideas of how a person should be

means that we then have a template to understand them or relate to them and if we don't have that fixed template then people seem to flounder quite a lot and it sounds like even amongst for the two of you it sounds like even amongst maybe not being understood there's been allies along the way and that's absolutely important we do need people around us to go yes I see you for who you are and just meeting you where you're at and staying connected with you as opposed to rejecting misunderstanding shaming you because that can have a huge effect if you're coming out or your relationship status has changed or whatever it might be. I feel a lot of empathy for LGBT people that are going back into dating after maybe coming out who might feel a pressure to, say, put on a dating app how they identify or I want to

date this kind of person so I have to go into this physical space within the LGBT community. So it feels like there needs to be more room for lots of different options depending on where someone's at. So how do you cope with labels, Ranj? We all have labels to some extent, don't we? You know, I'm Indian. I'm a man. I identify as queer. And for some people, it really helps you frame who you are and gives you a way to understand things. But as Irini just said, the language can be actually unnecessarily restrictive and doesn't always fit. And that's why I struggle with the word gay for so long.

And I still don't 100% identify with it. And that's why I like the word queer. And also we've got to remember that the meaning of language and labels has changed. Even in the last 10 years, when I was growing up, the word queer was horrible, horrendous. And it still is really painful for some people, especially people my age and older. But for younger people now, it's actually a really beautiful term.

And it's a lot more inclusive and open and fluid and flexible. And that's why I identify with that word so much more. And it's given me, interestingly, a better understanding of who I am. Well, I love what you're saying about the younger generation now embracing queer and that spectrum of identity and sexuality. Do you know what's really interesting, Anna, is I'm thinking about it now and I've never really thought about it, I guess in in this way is the label queer helped me come to terms with coming out did it because it helped me shed some of my guilt yeah and the

shame and the shame because when I came out I thought oh my gosh have I really been deceiving everyone and have I been lying to everybody and I've been pretending up until this time and actually the understanding of being queer which is that you don't have to be a particular way that sexuality is so much more complicated and intricately beautiful than we've ever understood actually gave me permission to say I wasn't a bad person I was just queer and I didn't know and nobody told me or taught me and we're talking a long time ago when we grew up I just didn't understand it and I didn't know and nobody told me or taught me. And we're talking a long time ago when we grew up. I just didn't understand it and I needed to understand it. And actually that label has helped me understand it.

Yeah, that queer label is a beautiful expression. And that's for me, that works for me. It may not work for someone else, but it really has helped me come to terms with who I am a lot more. Funnily enough, when we talk about labels and when I talk to people of all genders and sexual identity and they say, how do you identify? I say, I identify as me. Yeah.

And if that comes under the umbrella of queer, I'm very happy to own that. But ultimately, we are just all ourselves, aren't we? And I love the fact that we're learning. All of us universally are learning to embrace the different parts and aspects. And the fact that we are on that journey that changes, Ranj and Irina, you were saying our sexuality changes and we can fall in love with a whole range. People need to understand that.

They don't know that. People think your identity and sexuality is fixed. And because we've always been told that you decide who you are and you can't change. Actually, that's not true at all. You may feel completely differently. I may feel completely differently in 20 years time. Who knows? That's life.

And that's okay. And also, that's the joy of it. Yes. Okay, so back to Megan, and I'd really like for us to leave her with some concrete advice. Ranj, can I touch on the guilty feelings around the ex? How would you advise Megan when it comes to respecting her exes? I want her to, I'm a big believer in reframing negative feelings. So we get negative feelings for a reason. They're not bad. We get them for a reason. We feel lonely because we need connection. That's our brain's way of saying, I need someone to reach out to me. I

need to connect with someone. We feel guilty because we care. And Megan, you feel guilty, not because you're a bad person. Please don't ever tell yourself that. You feel guilty because you're a decent person who cares. And that's what nobody ever tells you. You feel shame, not just because of what people have said to you, but because you genuinely care about these people you've had these amazing relationships with and you are mourning for them. And you feel bad because you feel like you've done something bad by them

because you care so deeply about them take that and tell yourself I'm a good person and that's why I feel this way and actually exactly as Irini said let them in to you you don't need to give anything to them you are who you are supposed to be now Now let everybody else in. Let them experience how amazing and beautiful and caring and loving you are and how much more so you are right now. I would say as well, Megan, that if you are feeling that shame or that guilt about the men that you've loved, I'd write them a letter. And whether you send it or not is down to you, but I've certainly done that in the past and written down how much that person meant to me

and that in no way should that be diminished, that the love was real and how much you miss them and how much you value them. And whether you're still in touch with them or not is a different matter. But I just think the act of writing down and marking that respect for them can be helpful. Does that make sense to you, Irini? Is that helpful to do? I think letter writing is a really useful tool to just recognise where we're at, like you say, regardless of whether or not you actually share that letter with anybody. It might be just about communicating something to yourself so you can process something, which is absolutely important. And I think on a practical note, I'd recommend a free downloadable zine by someone called MJ Barker, which is about mapping your sexuality. That's available on a website called Rewriting the Rules. And I recommend that to a lot of the people that

I support if they feel it's helpful to to literally map out who am I, including where have I been? How do I move forward with the person that I experienced myself to be right now? So I think there's lots of different ways to attend to all the different bits of her experience and the feelings that come up from that as well. That's fascinating. I love the idea of mapping out who we are and where we're going. I have to tell you, this has been utterly fascinating. And Megan, if you're listening, thank you so much for sharing your dilemma with us. We really do appreciate it. And I hope that you can take something away from the advice that we've given you today. And at the very least, please know that you really are not alone. And Ranj and Irini, thank you so much for all of your wisdom and support and advice.

Now, before we end the show, Ranj, I'm going to be putting you on the spot. Oh, gosh. Okay, you ready? Because I'm going to give you a couple of quick fire dilemmas, and I want your off-the-cuff response. I mean, you're a doctor, so you're used to this. Ready? The first one is from Ellie. Hi, Anna. It can't just be me who's having such a hard time sleeping. It takes me ages to fall asleep and then I wake up all the time during the night. If you've got any advice, I'd love to hear it. Now, I know that you can't give medical advice without seeing the patient,

but have you got any thoughts for Ellie? What would you say? People who fall asleep but then keep waking up, you've got to think about your environment. Is your sleep environment conducive for sleep? Is it comfortable? Is it warm? Is it dark? Is it quiet? You know, you might want to invest in some blackout blinds and things like that. So essentially, you're being woken up before you should be.

And that's the thing you've got to think about. And also think about your caffeine intake. Your caffeinated drink should be ideally at least six hours before you go to bed. Really? Because it stays in your system. For six hours? Six hours.

Maybe that's where I'm going on. That is really interesting. So effectively, Ellie, what we're saying is you've got to get yourself into a really good, I know people say this, but it's true, get yourself into a good nighttime bedtime routine to tell your body, your subconscious mind that it's ready to go to bed now. So a couple of hours before you sleep, personally what I do, get into my pajamas, then I run a hot bath. Oh, lovely.

I'm going to have a bath or a shower. I'm going to settle down. No screens. I'm really militant about not checking. At least an hour. Yes. At least a power down hour, I'll call it. Power down hour.

Yeah. In a sense, during the day, when you are exercising, you're exercising your body and you're telling your body to wake up and you're getting ready for the day. It's the opposite of that. It's powering down, isn't it? Yeah. There's also a free sleep helpline that's run by the Sleep Charity. Is there? Yeah. Go to sleepcharity.org.uk, and there's a free sleep helpline for anybody. So these are parents, carers of kids that are struggling, or if you're struggling yourself,

and you get to talk one-on-one with a specialist sleep advisor. No way. For free. Do you know, Ranj, that is a super bit of advice. And in fact, I hope that's been really helpful, Ellie, but I'm going to pass that on to my little brother, Ben, who really struggles with sleeping. Absolutely. It's a really good idea. Okay, here's the next one. This one is from Kate. Hi, Anna. How do I politely tell my neighbour that the walls are super thin

and I can hear everything that she does? Oh. Is she talking about naughty stuff? That's a really good point. I think she must be talking about, yeah, about nocturnal activities. Nocturnal activities. Oh, God, what would you do? Nothing.

Enjoy it. That's what I say. It is fascinating to hear other people having sex. Yeah. Because often you end up thinking, oh, God, she's noisy. Or that's a strange way to do that. Or what's he doing now? So, yeah, I hear you. But if it's troubling you, just have a little polite.

Actually, do you know how I would frame it? It's not frame it around the nocturnal stuff. Just say, oh, gosh, I've noticed these walls are really thin. You haven't heard anything, you that is interesting turn it back around and say can you hear me yeah doing that's sometimes a better way of doing it and if all else fails i'm a blunt northerner so i would say listen i'm not being funny but i can hear you having sex i don't know if that's intentional and i'm enjoying it yeah Yeah. Maybe that's what it is to go, I mean, I'm really enjoying it. I'm having a great time.

Last night was amazing. How was it for you? Ranj, thank you so much for joining me today. It has been an absolute pleasure. Mine too. I've loved slurping and slopping my chops with you. Well, long may the slurping and the slapping remain, I have to say. And thanks again to Irene Hadjianou. I'll be back with another episode of It Can't Just Be Me next week.

But if you have your own dilemma around sex, love, divorce, friendship or anything else, please leave us a voice note at it can't just be me.co.uk or you can email it can't just be me at podimo.com remember nothing is off limits and whatever you're dealing with it really isn't just you from podimo and mags this has been it can't Just Be Me, hosted by me, Anna Richardson. The producer is Alice Homewood, with support from Laura Williams. The executive producer for Mags Creative is James Norman Fyfe. The executive producers for Podimo are Jake Chudnow and Matt White.

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