It Can't Just Be Me - It's Not Just You: Divorce Shaming

Episode Date: December 13, 2024

In these weekly episodes of It's Not Just You, each week Anna will be joined by a different expert to explore the issues and dilemmas that are affecting you. No guests, just your dilemmas discussed by Anna and her expert.This week Anna is joined by TV and radio presenter, qualified counsellor and friend of the show Katie Thistleton to talk about a listener dilemma. Hannah recently split up with her partner and is enjoying a bit of post divorce freedom, but is feeling judged by some of her friends for her shift in lifestyle. Katie shares her personal experiences of leaving a long term relationship, and her and Anna discuss how strong friendships can survive this turbulence – it just takes time for everyone to adjust.If you have a dilemma or situation you'd like discussed, reach out to Anna by emailing [e-mail] or DM her on Instagram @itcantjustbemepodNothing is off limits, we’re open to it all, from your mental health, to dating, to your sex life to addiction…all of the challenges and hurdles that life throws at you - It's Not Just You is a place for you to find some practical advice and support. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are you sure you parked over here? Do you see it anywhere? I think it's back this way. Come on. Hey, you're going the wrong way. Feeling distracted? You're not alone. Whether renting, considering buying a home,

or renewing a mortgage, many Canadians are finding it hard to focus with housing costs on their minds. For free tools and resources to help you manage your home finances and clear your head, visit Canada.ca slash it pays to know. A message from the Government of Canada. Hello, I'm Anna Richardson and if you're a regular listener to It Can't Just Be Me,

then welcome to our second weekly episode, It's Not Just You. Each week I'll be joined by an expert to explore the issues and dilemmas that are affecting you. No guests, just you, me and an expert. Nothing is off limits, we're open to it all, from your mental health, to dating, to your sex life, to addiction, all of the challenges and hurdles that life throws at you. We're here to offer some practical advice and support because whatever's on your mind it's not just you. So let's begin. Katie Thistleton is back in the room and in your ears. TV and radio presenter and

qualified counsellor. It's good to have you here Katie, how are you? Good to be here, really good. Oh thank you for coming back in. As you know I look to you to solve all of Lifestyle Emma's. We have another one in from one of our lovely listeners and this is from Hannah. Hi Hannah, I recently split up with my partner of 12 years. We've got four kids together and they've been our priority. And to be honest, we've all transitioned really well since divorce. I'm in my 30s and I found a new excitement for life after my marriage ended. I've been going out a lot more and trying new things, but my friends don't seem to understand why I'm like this.

It's like they want me to focus on being a mum and not having any sort of life of my own. I'm going out with some of my younger colleagues who are up for a bit of fun but my new lifestyle is creating a bit of friction with some of my oldest friends. They think I'm having a midlife crisis. It can't just be me that feels judged post-divorce. This is a fascinating dilemma to me. There is so much going on here for you, Hannah. So it feels like a crisis of role, crisis of responsibility, crisis of identity, post divorce with everybody else having an opinion on it. So first reactions from you, Katie. Well, my first reaction is that Hannah seems quite happy where she is.

And if she is, that's great. But that it's other people, it's the people around that are judging. And actually, my first reaction is I relate to this so much, even though I've never been divorced and I can kind of relate to both sides. So I think something happens when a friend makes a big life change, particularly a breakup of a long-term relationship. Everyone else around us, and this is something,

I was in sort of a 10-year relationship that I left, and I remember my friends, some of my friends and family reacting so strangely, and I was becoming protective of my ex-partner, and what's she doing? And I think there's something in us, and I don't know what it is, that feels really unsettled when someone close to us

makes a massive life change. Because I think we feel safe when we feel like everyone we know is in their box. They're in a relationship, they're in a settled relationship. And then when you come out of that and you start going out, like you're in your 20s again or something, people don't like it because they want you in that safe box. And I think there's many reasons for this.

It might be that they're worried about you. It might be that they're worried about losing you. I can see it from the other side too because I think when some of my friends who've also been in relationships have become single, I felt threatened that I will lose them to this new single lifestyle because our relationship was that we're both in relationships. So, what are you doing tonight? Are you seeing your other half? Okay, yeah, great. We should go for a couple's dinner. And if you've got kids as well, you know, you're all kind of doing a similar thing. And then all of a sudden you've gone, I'm changing my lifestyle completely. And they're probably like, firstly, I don't understand it. You

know, I can't remember what that's like. Secondly, I might be a bit jealous perhaps. Thirdly, I don't know what to do with this new version of you because I knew what to do with you when you were in this safe box where you were in a relationship and married kids like me.

Safety is a really important word here, isn't it? Because I think that Hannah's Dilemma holds a mirror up to her friends as well, doesn't it? And you're right to say that with any kind of big relationship breakup, it forces other people in your social circle to look at themselves and go, what does this mean for me? Does this mean that me and my boyfriend or husband are going to split up? Does it mean that I'm going to lose people? Does it mean that actually, oh, is my life too safe and boring? Actually, is there a degree of resentment and jealousy? Because I wouldn't mind going out and

getting pissed in bars like I used to when I was in my twenties. So I think it really holds a mirror up to other people what your actions mean to them. Yeah. And I think a really important thing to remember when anyone's acting a certain way to you is what insecurity has opened up in them that's making them behave this way. They're not necessarily attacking you, or it might seem that way, but actually has it opened up one of those things

that you've just mentioned for your friends as it made them question. It does make people very insecure. If a member of the group kind of gets a divorce, it makes people go, oh God, is that gonna to be us? One of my friends is getting divorced at the moment and I immediately basically texted my husband and was like, oh don't, let's not always get divorced. You know, even though I know we're not going to, but it does, it opens that kind of thing up for people.

It opens up the vulnerability in everybody, doesn't it? And the fear in everybody about, well, what if this happens to me? And I think that you look at that person that's going through the breakup and you sort of go, you know, would I behave like that? Is that what's gonna happen to me if this were to happen in my life? Am I gonna have a bit of a, am I gonna have a breakdown or am I gonna just go and party all the time?

Is this healthy? Is it okay? So it just brings up lots of questions for everybody and a lot of fear. So I think the two things to identify in this are and you touched on this earlier. I think Katie are your friends Hannah Worried about you and your behavior or is it that they're worried about themselves? Mm-hmm, and what your actions mean for them or whether they are gonna lose you as a friend? So just try and ask yourself those two questions first, don't you think?

Yeah, and they might not know themselves, to be honest. It might be, you might not be able to confront them about that because they might not know themselves. And it could be all of those, all of the above. They might be genuinely a little bit worried about you. So it is important, I think, to take that feedback on. And I mean, I remember, I was just smiling to myself thinking,

I remember when I broke up with my ex partner who had been with me for 10 years, and my mom being particularly worried. And I think my mom really liked, always really liked me being in a relationship because in a mom's head, someone's looking after you. Do you know what I mean? Someone else is taking on that role.

If I'm on a night out, I'm not on a night out with the girls, there's someone who's checking I've got home. You know? So I can understand why she felt really worried when all of a sudden I'm going out all the time. And I remember I'm terrible for losing things. And I'm particularly bad for losing leather jackets, right? So when you're going like a night out and you've got a leather jacket, but actually it's quite warm in the bar, so you take it off. There was a weekend that I went out when I was fresh was freshly broken up with my ex-partner,

that I lost three leather jackets, right? So- How many have you got? Well, two were mine and the third was my niece's, right? Who was like 16 or something at the time, you know, she's not a baby. And I remember texting my niece and being like, "'I've lost your leather jacket.

"'I'm so sorry, I think it's at the bar. "'I'm gonna go back and pick it up. Please don't tell your grandma because she thinks I'm having a nervous breakdown. And I remember just thinking the leather jacket will be the thing that makes her lock me in the house. The symbol of a breakdown. Like that's it.

She's lost it. She's lost another leather jacket. She's lost her mind. And so, yeah, I think people genuinely will have concern for you. And they might have reason to. And I think it's important to take on what your friends and family say at this time,

because you are going through something really massive and really difficult. And so you don't want to do it all on your own. You want that advice. But at the same time, like you say, Anna, remember where that advice might be coming from. And you can choose whether you take advice or not. And some of it might be more about the people who are offering it than it is

about you. So take that into consideration. The thing that I was struck by with this dilemma as well with Hannah is the fact that she has been married for 12 years. She's got four kids with her ex-husband who've been her priority and she's only in her 30s. So really she's done all of this quite young. So in a sense, when she's saying she's going out and having this amazing time and she's found freedom, that's understandable, isn't it?

Absolutely, of course. And you are well within your rights to live your life how you want to live it. I'm sure you'll still be in a fantastic mom, you know, I'm sure your priorities are in the right place. I wonder if it would be helpful for Hannah to try and find a friend who's been through something similar. I don't know if there's necessarily a club for divorcees but there will be communities out there. Of course there will be, to find another woman

that's been through the same thing. Because you know, you might be feeling a lot of blame and a lot of guilt, I'm sure you will, you'll probably go through, you know, when we go through breakups we go through the grief cycle, you know, like we do when we lose someone. And I don't know the circumstances of your divorce, I don't know whether it was your choice or your partner's or a mutual decision, but you probably are gonna go through a real load of emotions and you might just need somebody on your side to go,

I've been there. I remember having, I remember all my friends being very, because I'd chosen to leave this relationship and so people do pick a goodie and a baddie often when there's a breakup, don't they? And the person that's maybe chosen to go is often the baddie. And I remember a lot of my friends not understanding it. And I remember just one or two, just really getting it.

And I clung to them in that time. And they'd been through similar things. So if none of your friends have been through a significant breakup like this, you might wanna try and find someone who can fight your corner. So find somebody that can fight your corner who understands what you've been through.

The other thing I would say though is with your oldest friends Hannah, they're your oldest friends for a reason and also if they have got kids as well or they've got partners as well, they understand what it means to be a mum, to be a parent and to be responsible and they've always been there for you. So maybe don't throw the baby out with the bathwater with your old mates, and maybe, I just wonder whether there's a world in which you could sit down with some of them and just say, look,

I'm going through a lot at the minute. Yes, I'm having a really, really great time, but it doesn't mean that you're not important to me as well. I need you as well as my touchstone. Yeah, absolutely. We don't communicate enough with our friends, I don't think. I need you as well as my touchstone. Yeah, absolutely. We don't communicate enough with our friends, I don't think. I think we focus on it a lot.

We don't do it enough in general, but we focus on it a lot in relationships, in romantic relationships, but I don't think we communicate enough with our friends. And I think if you can sit down with them and even say that maybe you're feeling a little bit judged, you're feeling like people don't understand you and reassure them.

I remember having to do that with my mum. I remember having to go, I know what it looks like, but I'm not having a crisis. I'm all right. I'm in control of the decisions I'm making here. And again, understand that whether it was with your mum or whether it's with Hannah's friends, it's coming from a place of love,

even though it doesn't feel like it. That again, it could be that they're concerned about you or it could be that they're threatened by it, but it's coming from a place of love for you so I wonder whether there is there is a world in which she could sit down with them and just as you say feel a bit judged I don't want to lose you please stand by me I'm just having a good time at the moment yeah yeah you need those friends they need you you're gonna need each other again you're all they some of them might go through these breakups there There's going to be all these different stages in your life

where perhaps how you're living your lives doesn't match up really accurately, but you still need each other and you can still be friends. And I think sit them down and have that conversation. They might really love the opportunity as well to say to you, I'll be honest with you, this has just got me scared about my marriage or I'll be honest with you,

I just wish I could come on these nights out with you or you know they might be desperate. Like we said this is a lot about them as well as it is about you this this has opened up emotions for everyone so just consider that. That's it for today thank you so much for sending in your dilemmas and sharing your stories with us it's so important that we're having these honest conversations that ultimately everyone can benefit from. So if there's something you want to talk about then please keep them coming. Whether it's big or small, get in touch with us. You can email us or send a voice note to hello at itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk. You can also find us on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook.

Just search for It Can't Just Be Me. And remember, whatever you're dealing with, I promise it's not just you. Oh, that coffee smells good. Can you pass me the sugar when you're finished? Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? That's salt, not sugar. Let's get you another coffee. Feeling distracted? You're not alone. Many Canadians are finding it hard to focus with mortgage payments on their minds. If you're struggling with your payments, speak to your bank. The earlier they understand your situation, the more options and relief measures could be

available to you. Learn more at Canada.ca slash it pays to know. A message from the Government of Canada.