It Can't Just Be Me - It's Not Just You: Feeling left behind in life

Episode Date: November 15, 2024

In these brand new weekly episodes of 'It's Not Just You', each week Anna will be joined by a different expert to explore the issues and dilemmas that are affecting you. No guests, just your dilemmas discussed by Anna and her expert.This week, Anna is joined by broadcaster and counsellor Katie Thistleton to tackle a listener’s dilemma about feeling left behind. Together, Anna and Katie explore the impact of feeling that you may not be progressing fast enough in life—whether it’s moving out on your own, landing a fulfilling job, a big promotion or struggling with the pressure of taking that next significant step. If you have a dilemma or situation you'd like discussed, reach out to Anna by emailing [e-mail] or DM her on Instagram @itcan’tjustbemepodNothing is off limits, we’re open to it all, from your mental health, to dating, to your sex life to addiction…all of the challenges and hurdles that life throws at you - It's Not Just You is a place for you to find some practical advice and support. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout. Wanna go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45 minute Tread workouts. No matter your goals or time,

Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push, find your power. Peloton, visit onepeloton.ca. Calling all music buffs. Hey, hey, turn the volume up, yeah? Make Me A Mix Tape is back. I'm Jordan Stevens.

I'm Clara Anfo, and this is our weekly music show. A celebrity guest picks the theme. We select the tunes. And we battle it out to create the ultimate mix tape. May the best music lover win Oh, it's about to go down Make me a mixtape listen only on BBC sounds Hello, I'm Anna Richardson and if you're a regular listener to It Can't Just Be Me,

then welcome to our second weekly episode, It's Not Just You. Each week I'll be joined by an expert to explore the issues and dilemmas that are affecting you. No guests, just you, me and an expert. Nothing is off limits, we're open to it all, from your mental health, to dating, to your sex life, to addiction, all of the challenges and hurdles that life throws at you. We're here to offer some practical advice and support because whatever's on your mind, it's not just you. So let's begin. Today we have the gorgeous Katie Thistleton back in the studio. Now you all know her from the TV and radio work that she does but she's also a qualified counsellor. Katie, hello.

Hello. Thanks for being back in the studio. I'm loving being back. I love you and a pop of red. Oh yeah, do you know what? I used to think red wasn't my colour, I don't know why but I think it is. It really is. I've worn this jumper about three days in a row though, I will tell you, and not washed it.

You don't need to take it off. It's fine. So today is all about our listeners and their dilemmas, and I am looking to you to help solve the world's problems. Excellent. Are you ready? I love this sort of thing. It's what I used to do on the surgery with Dr. Rada, your old pal. Oh, I love that. And yeah, I love it. This is what I love to do, hear about people's problems.

I've always been obsessed with that were you the same with problem pages in magazines oh yeah Jackie Jackie Mac to them yeah race it's a problem page I want to know have you ever written in or found into one I have do you know what I think I probably did I think I probably wrote into Miss magazine back in the day Miss MI double Z oh what a magazine I know it was amazing wasn't it a little bit of Miss so when I was a kid, it was Jackie. I think I was reading the problem pages even then. Miz magazine, obviously.

Cosmopolitan. Cosmo. Cosmo Sex and Relationships. My friend's mom always had Cosmo knocking about and I would grab the Cosmo and read the sex ones. I'm like, oh my God. Straight into the sex one. Couldn't believe the stuff people were up to. And I have actually phoned in to,

I think it was Zelda West Meads, who was a sex and relationship counsellor, but like the Guardian or something, I did actually ring that phone line. I love that you had to say it makes sense considering what we both ended up going on to do, that we've got that obsession. Okay, so this problem is from Jordan. Hi Anna. It can't just be me that is finding their late 20s difficult. Everyone around me is in different places in life and I just feel completely lost. I have friends

who are married with children and have mortgages, friends traveling the world, friends living in their own places. I'm 29, single and I currently live with my parents. I do sometimes feel judged when I say to people I live at home. I can't afford to buy a place of my own and when I did rent previously it got me into some financial trouble and really affected my mental health. I do live with anxiety and I have had depression in the past. I am managing my mental health better. However, when everyone around you has different responsibilities and lifestyles, they don't always understand my life and my choices

and it can be really hard. It can't just be me feeling like I'm left behind. Jordan, can I just say I've got news for you. Other than living with my parents, I still feel exactly the same way. That's what I'm going to say. It's definitely not just you. You've just accurately described your late 20s,

but also your 30s, your 40s. And also your 50s. I'm afraid that's gonna continue that feeling throughout your whole life. Exactly, there's a degree with this dilemma, and I really sympathize that this is life. This is life, and life is very, very difficult. And it does feel as though everybody else

has got their shit together, but it isn't the case, is it Katie? Absolutely not. When I look at sort of my friendship group and that ranges from sort of late 20s Jordan's age to sort of maybe about 40, none of us have got everything. Do you know what I mean?

There's so many complexities there. So some have got the great job, but single. Some have got the great relationship, but no work at the moment, some have a navigating financial trouble. There's all sorts going on and you can't measure happiness either by these milestones but we're kind of taught to and I think it's kind of how we start off. You know, we're like, you've got your SATs and you've got your GCSEs and then you go to college and you get a job. We're sort of taught that these milestones are so important from very young but even if your friends seem you've got your SATs, then you've got your GCSEs, and then you go to college and you get a job. We're sort of taught that these milestones

are so important from very young. But even if your friends seem happy, they might not be. I mean, I hope they are. But some of these marriages might be unhappy. Some of them might absolutely hate their jobs. Some of them might be in more financial difficulty than you think because people don't often talk about these things.

So you've absolutely accurately described how I think most people feel. And I mean, there's that phrase, isn't there? Comparison is the thief of joy, which I absolutely love. And it's so true, because we do have a tendency, don't we, I think, with our friends and with our colleagues to go, oh, well, you know, well, they've got the house.

They've got the house, and they've got the kids, and they've got the really nice car. Well, what about me? So there's something about trying to resist the comparison game, isn't there? Yeah, because there's always a what's next. I remember being, you know, I do this with my career a lot. I remember thinking, if I could just get a job at the BBC,

oh, I've gotta be so relaxed then. I'll just put my feet up and, you know, absolutely not. You get a job and you think, right, what's the next one? What's the next one? What's the next one? What's the next one? So you don't, you know, get married or have kids or buy the house and then think, oh, completed it. I've absolutely completed life.

I'll just sit down. There's always something else that you think you should be doing. And I think what's important for us to do and what we don't do enough, and this is something maybe for Jordan to work on, but we all need to work on this, I'm sure, is that ownership of our own decisions and going,

this is where I'm at in life and it's okay for me. So I actually really admire that Jordan has chosen not to get himself into debt and have his mental health affected by moving out because he knows that that's happened in the past. I've got so many friends who are in their late 20s that are older that are still living at home. And if that's working in the past. I've got so many friends who are in their late twenties that are older that are still living at home and if that's working out for you, why would you put yourself in a position that's

detrimental you know? So well look this dilemma really is about taking the next big step in life and that actually speaks to us all doesn't it? Whatever age, what is the next thing as you've touched on? So for Jordan it's about the next big step in life and how to manage it. So we're talking practically and emotionally. So I agree with you that if it's working out for him at the moment, living at home, then that's a really good thing.

However, I wonder whether we can just look at what are the next practical steps that he might be thinking about and also the emotional steps that he needs to thinking about and also the emotional steps that he needs to be taking in order to protect himself. Yeah. So what do you think about that? If we're thinking practical steps it's good to have a bit of a plan. So the plan at the moment is I'm living at home, great, are you living at home in order to save money for example and if you're not

saving money then how can you save money? And then maybe the next step is thinking about, well, how can I take the next step to move out, maybe move in with other people and move my life along? Does that make sense, Katie? Absolutely, and I think it is about those small steps, but we can get really bogged down with what other people are doing

and what we should be doing. There's so many different options in life. So I think it's a really good idea to maybe get a bit of paper, you'll be able to tell from this that I like to write things down. I have to make a list. Get a bit of paper, get all the notes up on your phone, write down the big goals, you know,

where do you really see your life? What will make you really happy? Is it a certain type of job? Is it marriage and kids? Is it, you know, having your own house and financial stability? And when you're writing this down, make sure it is actually what you want and not just what society says is what you want.

There's a lot of things, stuff I thought I wanted, but in particular with my career, and actually I don't. So such as, what do you mean? I think I thought I wanted certain big tele jobs. So, you know, I think I fell into presenting, you know, I was working behind the scenes and then all of a sudden everyone's going,

you should do strictly, you should do that, and actually as well as stuff I don't wanna do. Do you know what I mean? Because it's maybe too much, it's too much pressure. And then it's like, actually, no, I'm not cut out for this. I don't want to put myself under that kind of pressure. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you've probably felt the same at times. I think we can get bogged down

with what does everyone else say we should do? What does society say we should do? What's everyone else doing? What actually do you think will make you really happy? Write that down, Jordan, as a list, and that's the massive things. And then each day when you get up in the morning, it's what is the next little step

that's taking me in that direction? So is something taking me in the direction of owning the morning, it's what is the next little step that's taking me in that direction. So is something taking me in the direction of owning the house if that's what I want to do? For example, like you say, Anna, saving up some money by living at home. Is something taking you in the direction of the marriage and kids? Are you getting out there? Are you meeting people? Are you dating?

That sort of thing. But just think of the next tiny step. And as long as you're working towards that, then that's enough. It's fine. Abs. I couldn't agree with you more with that with just getting that plan together, write it down, visualize it, see it happening and then do something practical every week to just inch away towards that. And the other thing is I think within that and you touched on this earlier on I think Katie about the acceptance again of going, this is where I am at the moment, and I'm okay with that,

but as long as I have got a vision for the future, and I do know what I'm gonna be doing day by day or week by week to achieve that, there's something all right about just saying, but this is where I am at the moment. Yeah, and also John mentioned in his message, he implied that perhaps he does feel judgment from people around him.

He said others don't necessarily understand. What I maybe took from that is perhaps your friends are at such different stages in life that maybe when you, it's kind of like if you've got a friend who's got kids and you haven't, it can be quite hard to understand just how hard their life might be at times. And sometimes you can resent your friends.

Sometimes you can, do you know what, Anna, it drives me mad, but I feel like we all love to play I've Got the Hardest Life. Just something about us as human beings, we love to go, no, well actually I got no sleep because I've got three kids. Well, I've been working 12 hour shifts. Well, I've been, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we all love to compete for who's got the hardest life. And so Jordan might be sitting there thinking, God, my friends have got all these responsibilities and I haven't, therefore they don't understand me. But your life is as valid as theirs, just because you haven't got children or a mortgage. You've still got your own struggles

and it is about being able to sit in those conversations and own it, own where you are at the moment. And also don't you just wish you'd enjoyed it more as well? Don't you wish you'd enjoyed all those stages more? When I look back, I'm like, the bit where I was starting out on my career was so fun, you know, looking back, but I didn't let myself enjoy it because I was like, oh, you need to get that thing, but it's so fun when it's all ahead of you.

That's such a good point. I was talking to a mate of mine the other day that I've worked with for the last 25 years and years ago I worked on a film series for ITV. I literally traveled the world interviewing film stars and my job entailed going to watch films in private cinemas and then interviewing stars. And I was like, fucking hell. God, I've got to go to Hawaii next week. I can't be asked to do it.

And I was talking to my mate the other day going, can you believe that we were like in our early 30s, traveling the world, doing these amazing things, going to the Cannes Film Festival and being paid to do it. Do you know what I mean? And you don't realize how lucky you are at the time and in the moment. So you're quite right to say there is something,

I think, for Jordan about, look, don't rush. Enjoy where you are at the moment. Just keep your eye on the bigger picture, isn't there? Yeah. But don't forget to just enjoy where you are. Because you will look back. And I think, you know, nostalgia fascinates me, just the psychology behind nostalgia,

because I think it is almost like a trick of the mind that makes us look back with rose tinted glasses. So you will look back at now and you'll go, oh, that freedom I had. You know, I had freedom and it was okay and I was with my mum and dad and I was lucky. And actually isn't there something lovely about that as well? You know, that might be important for John to do as well. Can you write a list of all the things

that are really great about what situation you're in now? You're spending up that extra time with your parents. One day, you'll go. I was so lucky. I was so lucky to spend that time with my parents. Do you know what I mean? So think about the good things that you're getting actually that perhaps some of these peers aren't getting

because they're doing something else. We can't do it all. Like I said at the start, me and my friends, we haven't all got it all. If there was a checklist, we're all missing one box at least. It's true. And so think about what's really good

about the situation you're in at the moment of which there's loads of stuff. So do you think that having that sort of gratitude journal, if you like, and also just having the list of positive steps that he can take to move towards the goals he wants to achieve, that will also protect his mental health and help him to manage his anxiety and depression?

Yeah, I think it will. And just having that ownership in those situations where you feel like you're not understood and be open about it as well. Talk to some of these friends about that. They might be like, oh gosh, we envy you, you know. So open up to people about it, talk to them about it because they're probably thinking, oh, Jordan's got care in the world, he's got a lovely life. You know, they might be surprised to hear that you feel a bit left behind.

And do you think there's something about at this age as well, do you think that with this dilemma, that there's also something about late 20s, which is a transitional moment where you are taking responsibility for being an adult and you're leaving your childhood behind? Definitely, I think there are really obvious milestones maybe up until about that point, about that mid-twenties point. I feel like that was when I first really started to struggle

with depression and that sort of thing was, and that pressure was in my, was about sort of 25. So I think up until that point, you've had really obvious milestones. You've had primary school, secondary school, you might have done college and uni, and then you just get out there in the world and then it's just like okay we'll do what you want now then. And it's liberating but it's terrifying because you've had your 18th birthday, you've had your 21st and then as you say suddenly it's like you're an adult now, bye! And there's loads of options and there's loads of people saying you should do this or you should do that and it's kind of just a minefield then for the rest of your life.

Yeah. So it's no wonder that we feel a bit like, what should I be doing? Because you're not given any obvious milestones anymore. No one says, okay, by 30 do this, by 35 do this. So yeah, you're not the only one, Jordan. I think lots of people your age are feeling this way. And I'm afraid beyond as well. You might find that you have moments in your life

that you're experiencing this for the rest of your life. That's it for today. Thank you so much for sending in your dilemmas and sharing your stories with us. It's so important that we're having these honest conversations that ultimately everyone can benefit from. So if there's something you want to talk about then please keep them coming. Whether it's big or small get in touch with us you can email us or send a voice note to hello at itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk. You can also find us on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook. Just search for it can't just be me and remember whatever you're dealing with I promise it's not just you. We get it. Life gets busy.

Luckily with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout. Want to go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45 minute tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push, find your power. Peloton. Visit OnePeloton.ca Calling all music buffs. Hey, hey, turn the volume up, yeah?

Make Me A Mix Tape is back. I'm Jordan Stevens. I'm Clara Anfo, and this is our weekly music show. A celebrity guest picks the theme. We select the tunes. And we battle it out to create the ultimate mix tape. May the best music lover win. Oh, it's about to go down.

Let's go! Make Me A mixtape. Listen only on BBC Sounds.