It Can't Just Be Me - It's Not Just You: Losing Friends After Babies with Secret Mum Club

Episode Date: December 20, 2024

This week Anna is joined by Emma and Sophiena from Secret Mum Club to answer a listener dilemma on something that's relatable to lots of us: navigating friendships after one of you has a baby. What happens when one friend becomes a mum and their life changes beyond recognition, but the other is following a different path? Can your friendship ever stay the same?If you have a dilemma or situation you'd like discussed, reach out to Anna by emailing [e-mail] or DM her on Instagram @itcantjustbemepodNothing is off limits, we’re open to it all, from your mental health, to dating, to your sex life to addiction…all of the challenges and hurdles that life throws at you - It's Not Just You is a place for you to find some practical advice and support. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Every listener feels like their favorite podcast is speaking just to them. If you're a marketer, your brand's message can do the same. With podcasts ranking number one against all other media for good use of time, good for learning, and mentally engaging, podcast ads are proven to be one of the most effective marketing channels. Have your brand heard everywhere with Acast. Our podcasts are available on all apps, and the only way to reach their listeners is through Acast.

Visit go.acast.com slash ads to get started today. Hello, I'm Anna Richardson. And if you're a regular listener to It Can't Just Be Me, then welcome to our second weekly episode, It's Not Just You. Each week I'll be joined by an expert to explore the issues and dilemmas that are affecting you. No guests, just you, me and an expert. Nothing is off limits, we're open to it all, from your mental health, to dating, to your sex life, to addiction, all of the challenges and hurdles that life throws at you. We're here to offer some practical advice and support because whatever's on your mind,

it's not just you. So let's begin. Today, I'm thrilled to be joined once again by Safina and Emma from the hit podcast Secret Mum Club. Welcome to It's Not Just You. Hello girls. Thank you for having us. Again. Hello. I know. What a treat. Well look, we've talked a lot on It Can't Just Be Me about Christmas and our own experience of caring for people, whether that's for kids as in your case or in my case caring for my own parents as I'm gonna be doing on Christmas Day so today we're holding the microphone up to one of our own listeners who's got in touch with her own caring in inverted commas dilemma but from a very different perspective. Okay, are. Are you ready? Yeah, I am ready.

Love a dilemma. This is from Tara, but we haven't used her real voice. Hi, Anna and team. The past year has been such an exciting time as my best friend became pregnant. I was so happy for her and have been a huge part of her pregnancy journey. I helped plan her baby shower

and she has even asked me to be a godmother. Her little girl was born six months ago and is gorgeous. But as the months have gone on, I've found it hard. Whilst I am still really happy for my friend, she's so consumed by being a mum, I'm feeling a bit pushed out. We have less and less in common. She hardly ever asks about what's happening in my life, and no matter what we talk about, the chat always focuses on the baby. We don't make time to see each other anymore, and she has made new friends in her mum groups. I want to talk to her about it, but I also don't want to make her feel bad at such a happy time in her life. I knew things would have to change,

but I really miss our friendship as it was. How do I approach it? Should I approach it at all? It can't just be me who feels like they've lost their friend because they've had a baby. Oh. I know. And look, we have all been there. I can completely identify with this dilemma,

that sense of just losing one of your very close mates because actually now their focus is on their baby. So look, you're the resident experts today, you run a very successful parenting podcast, so this is going to be an experience that's very familiar to you both. Initial thoughts please. We normally hear it from the other side, so we normally hear it from the mum and the baby side. Oh what do you mean? So we have the mum with the new baby that messages in that says I've got a friend that doesn't really make any effort with us. Yeah I've lost touch with my friend. So we normally have the mum with the new baby that messages in that says I've got a friend that doesn't really make any effort with us. So we normally have the mum and the baby who messages in about Tara. This is from the friend's perspective, which is interesting

because it's like flips it on its head. Because we've now got Tara messaging in about the mum and the baby. So it's a complete 360 on it. Alright so let's first of all focus on then the fact that you get messages from new mums going my friend has basically just ditched me. Yes. talk to me a little bit about that when you first have a baby how do you feel about friends that maybe aren't there as much or do you expect them to be there I mean talk to me about that it's a really really hard one I think it's something that it does come part and parcel and it's one of those really hard divides where There is no way of explaining it until you live it for yourself

So when you fall pregnant and you go through all the emotions of that and have the baby unless somebody else has done it As horrible as it sounds you're never going to get it That sounds really blunt and really direct and there I don't think there's ever going to be a way to avoid that That gap unless you're talking to your friend and saying through the motions of it that you're both really honest and open from the get-go look I'm going to be really busy I don't know how I'm going to feel in this pregnancy hormones are going to be completely different so depending on your friendship if you've done that from the start of the pregnancy but are you saying that when you've first had a baby you've had

those friends that haven't had children where you're going you just don't understand what I'm going through and you're just not there for me? Is that what you're saying? Just stop talking to me, mine. Just stop talking. Did they? Yeah, you lost touch with people didn't you? Yeah, I did. It's a hard one because I think I'd be surprised if Tara's friend maybe is feeling the same way as well but they just haven't voiced it to each other so I think I'd be surprised if Tara's friend maybe isn't is feeling the same way as well, but they just haven't voiced it to each other So I think maybe depending on how open your friendship is I would have the conversation with her I would approach her, but I think my inclination in hearing this is to side with the New mum as a mom because I know how it's all consuming. It's overwhelming. Like having a baby, I've got friends

that I've lost touch with, because I'm like, we're not on the same schedules anymore. You don't get it, like I don't really come out past 7 p.m. Like my kids go to bed, I can't really do dinners anymore. If we go for dinner, it's gotta be at five. And I appreciate that, that's probably annoying for the friend that doesn't have kids, because they're like, what the hell,

we can't do anything we used to do. I think what's hard in Tara's situation though, because she's done everything to support like the baby shower so she's had so much time in that pregnancy. Yeah. So I think this case is maybe a slightly bit different to just my friend said you can come but you can't bring your baby. Well it's not just me anyway. Well this is it. Let's now step out of being mums. Yeah. Step into Tara's shoes because we've all been there before you had your children, we were in that position of watching other women having babies and feeling on the outside. So if we put ourselves into Tara's shoes, and you've just rightly said, Safina, she's

been very supportive, she's organized the baby shower, she's been very involved with all of that, she's been asked to be godmother. So she's clearly feeling left on the outside left on the outside that bubble kind of like staring in sort of trying to wave a friend going I'm still here I feel left out so did you ever feel that way with any of your friends that were having children where you thought I'm not being included anymore I don't think I was ever really that close to anybody if I'm being really honest with you I don't think I was ever really that close to anybody. If I'm being really honest with you, I don't think I was ever really that close. And the ones that did have babies,

because I'd been through it with my sister, I already knew how it felt. So I kind of took myself into a backseat and thought, do you know what, I'm just gonna put a message out there. If you need me, I'm here if you need me. If you wanna go out, all you have to do is ask. But because I know you're busy, I will let you make the plan so that you can just

let me know when you're free, because that's what's gonna work best for you. Yeah, meet where it's easy for you. Like you're the one that's gotta travel with a baby. Because I think if you do approach it, it can come across as insensitive. But the one with the baby is gonna be like, hello, I'm sleep deprived.

I can't like make you a priority at the moment. But I think talking about it's probably a good idea. I'm just gonna push a little bit on this, because I get the fact, and again, this is with the disclaimer of I haven't had children. I get the fact that particularly when you're a new mom, obviously, that you're sleep deprived.

The priority is the baby. You're not gonna be feeling great. You're gonna be run off your feet. But is there also just a tiny moment where you could reach out to a friend and go, I haven't forgotten about you. I'm just having a nightmare. One I couldn't agree more.

Plus as well, if she was six weeks into having the baby, I'd say to Tara, I wouldn't bring the topic up six weeks with a six week old baby. Six months in, she's definitely entitled. And if Tara is feeling that way means a friend isn't doing enough. And I think I know she's got a brand new baby I completely get that but there is a due of care because it was them before the baby and I still think friendships still need work. I love what you just said there that you know it was about them before the baby. It's a human interaction The relationship was there before the baby.

And I think it's really detrimental to her mental health. She may not have had a baby, but she's lost her whole world. If she doesn't have a partner, she might live on her own. She might be a single person who's in a flat by themselves and you could have meant the whole entire world to her. And she's lost all of that. So I do think if I was in Tara's position,

I would have a conversation with my friend and just say, any chance I could just pop around for, I'm not, you know, Tara's probably not thinking she wants to even take, go out for the day or have the baby, take the baby out. Like for me, I'd just say to my sister, do you want, I'll just come around and have a cup of tea. Or do you know what, I'll hold the baby

so you can have a bath. So Tara can offer things from her perspective and just say, look, all I want is a cup of tea or do you know what I'll hold the baby so you can have a bath. Yeah. So Tara can offer things from her perspective and just say look all I want is a cup of tea and cuddle. It's just asked us to be godmother they're obviously close enough to have that relationship. So maybe I mean obviously friendships are going to evolve and shift when people become parents. So do you think this is about finding that compromise situation on both sides? So a few months into this woman having had her baby, so maybe six, seven, eight months in, that maybe there's a little bit of compromise

on both sides to say, yeah, why don't you come round and see me and have a cup of tea? And then Tara could also offer and say, do you want me to nip round and look after the baby so that you can just sort of relax a bit? Is it about meeting in the middle? I definitely, I 100% agree because I think both women's feelings are insanely valid and

I think there is going to be a time that Tara is going to do this and maybe the friend will go see told you so, not as easy. You know there is going to be that little bit of told you so moment for the new mum but I think it sounds like they have a really really wonderful relationship and I think just having a chat and being really honest and saying, you know what, I don't need the big night outs anymore. I'm happy to just pop in. All she, I thought it was for me from what I can take from it is that it sounds like Tara just wants time.

And I don't think she wants the big fan dango, big nights out or anything like that. I think she just wants time with her friends. She wants to be a little bit more involved. And I'd be surprised, like I say, if the mums maybe feel in the same way. Yes. They just haven't had a chance to chat about it yet. time with her friends. I'm trying to be a little bit more involved. And I'd be surprised, like I say, if the mums maybe feel in the same way. Yes. They just haven't had a chance to chat about it yet. I think as well from the mum's perspective,

putting myself in her shoes, it's such a crazy whirlwind of emotions that you don't know whether you're having a shit or a haircut. It's the craziest experience of your whole entire life. Like you have mental thoughts. I cannot even tell you how crazy some of the thought processes that go through your mind. But I do, I will say that there is an element of me that does believe that she also does feel the same, that the friend isn't around

maybe she doesn't text as much or she may feel you've disappeared as soon as I've had a baby. And I'm interested in the fact that you said that actually you experienced that with some of your friends when you had your first baby that they just poof disappeared because I had my first at 28 they had like 10 11 12 year olds by the time I'd had really yeah my friends had babies really really young so by the time I went to have a baby they were all out their children were at home looking after younger siblings and still having nights out and they were just like you can't bring a baby. That must have been very difficult for you. No I couldn't give a

shit. Really? Yeah I was just like you know what I'm just not about that life. I'm 28 I'm settling down I just wasn't interested about going out again I always had my sister to fall back on I feel like I've been very lucky that I had my sister honestly she's been my best friend my whole life and I just think because I had her to fall back on I've never felt lost. I've never felt that urge to have that friend. Do you know what? So again, so because you've got such strong family ties that it didn't matter to you about sort of losing friends But I'm just wondering whether for Tara, that might not be the case. And she's going, actually, I really value this friendship.

I wonder whether there's something about the two of them being sort of grown up enough and mature enough and calm enough to be able to say to each other, do you know what, I miss you. Yeah, I miss you, can I pop round? And I would say to Tara to just say, do you know what, I actually really miss you. And I think you can find,

I think there definitely is something in there that you can find to have that conversation. And I think I can't, I won't sit here and say that, I don't think you're gonna be emotional. I think it's gonna be a really, really difficult emotional conversation, but I definitely think it's in there to have that with everything that they've gone through.

It's just- The mom might also be thinking like, you don't wanna hang out with me anymore. I'm going to coffee mornings with mom friends. It's boring. I've they've gone through is. The mum might also be thinking like you don't want to hang out with me anymore. I'm going to coffee mornings with mum friends. It's boring. I've got a six month old. I can't go and sit in a nice restaurant anymore and have lunch in peace. And you've got to remember, I probably appreciate Tara reaching out. And Tara is watching from the outside.

So if she's loading things on social media again, the devil. If Tara is on the outside with maybe nobody, we don't know her situation. But looking in on the mum with these new, we don't know her situation but looking in on the mum with these new friends and that's it sort of the new group you're part of this sort of secret group it's a true dagger, you're going to the coffee mornings like you say with all the babies and when you don't have a child it can very much feel like you're on the outside. Yeah because you're like where do I fit into that? All I can think of is when I before I had children and then I used to watch my friends with all their babies together and I used to be like I don't have that. Yeah, and then I just used to go and cry to my sister. Yeah

But as you say ultimately Outside of your kids there are friends who are very special to you and it is about you and them isn't it? Yeah, relationship that you have with that person. Yeah, not just And the relationship that you have with that person, not just about the relationship that they have with your kids. There's a life outside of kids. It's like your relationship with your partner as well, or your husband or your wife. Like you need to maintain that

because when the kids are gone, like that's all you've got. So you need to work on your, outside of the kids' relationships as well. I've got a friend that I haven't seen for like over a year and we used to be really close, but she's got no kids. I've got two kids. Like our't seen for like over a year and we used to be really close but she's got no kids. I've got two kids like our schedules just don't work with each other and we message and we go well we must do dinner

or we can't we can never catch up but the good friendships are you know that when you see them again it's fine. Exactly it's like nothing's changed. I pride myself on that. I've got my friend as well she's she lives four hours away she doesn't have children she's in a relationship with now her fiance. They both have a house together They're planning their like having IVF for a baby like lots of things and it just is We're two different worlds apart, but the moment I pick the phone up to her is So are we saying to Tara then look, you know Definitely worth giving it a go give Give it a go, make the time,

leave it maybe a little bit of time because your friend's only just had a baby. So leave it a few months before maybe just... Well, she's six months. Oh, she's six months in. I'd say six months deep is fine to send a message. I'd say she said the baby's six months old, so I think it's a good time.

Yeah. Good time to go into it now. So we're saying to Tara, a good time now, six months in, just to say, I miss you, can I come and see you, and then just see how her friend is feeling as well, because no doubt she misses Tara. I think it'll be received well. And I definitely think,

I definitely wouldn't put it in a text message, I would just say, I really miss you, it's the only chance we could see you, and then when you're face to face, because I feel like you can gauge so much more doing it face to face than over a text message. Yeah. 100%. A nice glass of afternoon fizz right now.

Yeah. Get some clementine and cranberry fizz down you. That's it for today. Thank you so much for sending in your dilemmas and sharing your stories with us. It's so important that we're having these honest conversations that ultimately everyone can benefit from. So if there's something you want to talk about then please keep them coming. Whether it's big or small get in touch with us. You can email us or send a voice note to hello at itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk. You can also find us on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook. Just search for It Can't Just Be Me. And remember, whatever you're dealing with, I promise it's not just you.

Every listener feels like their favorite podcast is speaking just to them. If you're a marketer, your brand's message can do the same. With podcasts ranking number one against all other media for good use of time, good for learning and mentally engaging, podcast ads are proven to be one of the most effective marketing channels. Have your brand heard everywhere with Acast. Our podcasts are available on all apps and the only way to reach their listeners is through Acast. Visit go.acast.com slash ads to get started today.