It Can't Just Be Me - It's Not Just You: That doesn't like your Siblings

Episode Date: November 8, 2024

This week Anna is joined by clinical psychologist Dr Hazel Harrison to discuss a listener dilemma around having no relationship with their siblings and the issues this causes within their family. Anna and Dr Hazel discuss the impact it can have on your relationships and family dynamics and some practical tips on how to manage it with parents and family gatherings.If you have a dilemma or situation you'd like discussed, reach out to Anna by emailing [e-mail] or DM her on Instagram @itcan’tjustbemepodNothing is off limits, we’re open to it all, from your mental health, to dating, to your sex life to addiction…all of the challenges and hurdles that life throws at you - It's Not Just You is a place for you to find some practical advice and support. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Before John F. Kennedy's famous decade was out, before Eagle had set down on the surface of the moon, before NASA had rescued the crew of Apollo 13, they had already set their sights on a new vehicle, Space Shuttle. I'm Kevin Fong, and in this new podcast,

we're bringing you the incredible story of the birth of the Space Shuttle era, as told by the people who built and flew it. From the ACAST Creator Network, 16 sunsets. Coming soon. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com. Hello, I'm Anna Richardson, and if you're a regular listener to It Can't Just Be Me, then welcome to our second weekly episode, It's Not Just You. Each week, I'll be joined by an expert to explore the issues and dilemmas that are affecting you. No guests, just you, me, and an expert.

Nothing is off limits. We're open to it all. From your mental health, to dating, to your sex life, to addiction, all of the challenges and hurdles that life throws at you. We're here to offer some practical advice and support because whatever's on your mind, it's not just you. So let's begin. Today, I'm thrilled to be joined by Dr. Hazel Harrison, a clinical psychologist and the founder of Think Avelina. Dr. Hazel Harrison, a clinical psychologist and the founder of Think Avalana. Dr. Hazel, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. Thank you very much for being here. First of all, can you just explain a little bit about Think Avalana and what exactly you do? So I'm a clinical psychologist. My background has very much been in mental health, but what

Think Avalana is about is really a more proactive approach to our mental health and well-being and trying to find ways to share some of the research and knowledge that i've gained as a clinical psychologist so that can reach more broadly and kind of help us in our daily lives these little nuggets that maybe i've learned through my career and through the research and science in relation to clinical psychology and think about actually how can we all make some use of that not just perhaps those that might be struggling with their mental health but how can we all invest in our mental health and that's really what my mission has been about. Okay well we are here to serve our listeners today so

let's get going with our first dilemma. This is from Mikey. Hi, Anna and team. I'm about to turn 30 and I'm gearing up to this next chapter in my life. However, I've never got on with my brother and sister. I can't remember a time where we've got on. We lead completely separate lives and have completely separate views on the world. I've tried being nice to them to please my mum and I send their kids Christmas gifts, but they never reciprocate or reach out. My mum has never understood why this is. And as I start thinking about starting a family with my partner I can't

help but feel guilty that my kids might not have the same time with their cousins due to a fragmented relationship I have with my brother and sister. I also feel guilty that our mum is caught in the middle as I know it upsets her. I never go home for Christmas because of this. It can't just be me who doesn't have a relationship with their siblings right right? Now, for any of us that have siblings, this is such an interesting question. And the word that jumps out to me in that dilemma is the word fragmented, really, and fragmented relationship. But Hazel, tell us first of all about how sibling relationships are formed in early life. So we build patterns in our families as our families grow and change and sibling relationships will grow and change too throughout our child development and into our adolescent years and

then into our adulthood. And these patterns that we tend to form in the early part of our life can be quite difficult to change particularly perhaps around sibling relationships so it's interesting that you're you know mikey's saying they've never got on with with the siblings so there's clearly been this pattern there that has been perhaps there from the start well i'm intrigued by that aren't you? I mean the idea that siblings have never got on from childhood. As a clinical psychologist what do you think might have been going on there? So obviously we don't know exactly what's happening in that situation but more broadly there can be all sorts of things that impact on how siblings relate to each other. Sometimes I suppose there can be that sort of traditional view of sort of sibling rivalry,

which can be about competing for attention or resources or time within a family, as well as perhaps trying to stand out and be the best and be seen. And depending on how many siblings there are in a family, perhaps you have to kind of fight a little bit more for your for your own time and attention but there may be other things happening in that system too and we don't know exactly what those things are but I think sibling relationships are complicated but perhaps one of the things that we don't think about so much is the possibility of redefining those relationships it's very easy when we reconnect or we we see our siblings to fall back in to the same pattern right we're like

oh this is how this is how this family works this is how we do these things and then um we forget that it's possible to renegotiate those terms so that fragmented bit may stay fragmented and it sounds like mikey's really trying to change some things there or has really been wanting to work on it um but in listening to that I was really curious about the sort of what they're hoping is going to be different and the bit that stood out for me was actually the word guilt um you know there sounds like there's a lot of guilt in there about this idea of perhaps how they're hoping friendships and relationships and sibling connections are going to be for

their offspring, for the cousins to have these connections. And that I wonder where that comes from and what that's about, if they've not really had that connection with their siblings and perhaps not had, maybe there are cousins and a greater network where they feel some of that but i also wonder if sometimes it's more of a kind of society driven thing that we feel like oh we're supposed to everyone's supposed to get on in these families within a family you're meant to get on but i think i think just going back to what you said a second ago, that Mikey's reached out, he's reached out again and again and again. Why might it be that siblings just close the door and just refuse to engage? Because it sounds quite extreme. is what I hear is that sort of repetitive feeling of they're trying something they're trying to connect they're trying to you know acknowledge relationships and connections send Christmas presents that sort of thing um and and it's difficult to know isn't it why why that's not

being reciprocated um and without knowing Mikey and the situation I suppose we can we can guess all kinds of things perhaps that that sibling just doesn't want to feel part of the family perhaps they have connected to another family and sometimes that happens when um siblings meet romantic partners that they maybe sort of shift more towards the their partner's family and that becomes perhaps more of their base. And so they distance themselves from the other, you know, their family a little bit more. So there can be all this kind of shifting of relationships as people change. Exactly. And I guess, as you were saying, that's why sibling relationships can change over time. But also the fact it could be renegotiated.

In this instance, if we're hearing from Mikey that I keep trying to reach out, I'm getting nothing back, then ultimately what should he do? Because getting that rebuttal all the time is really painful. So I think there's levels of what you could do in this scenario and what Mikey could do. And it sort of depends on what the hope is for the future and what they think is possible because they will know how that feels like how much it impacts on them

you know what they want it to look like some siblings choose to have very transactional relationships in order for the bigger family system to function you know so that cousins can be connected or and so they perhaps negotiate whether they're spoken or unspoken some kind of boundary about you know this is what we only get together at easter and christmas or you know and and that's how we do these things but what occurred to me in hearing that scenario is this mismatch and it's like this doesn't feel like a balance of oh we don't talk the rest of the year but we always exchange gifts together or you know it feels like this doesn't feel like a balance of, oh, we don't talk the rest of the year, but we always exchange gifts together. It feels like there's this kind of one person really trying and nothing happening on the other side.

And so that makes me wonder, has this ever been expressed or talked about? And it sounds a little bit like it has. It's something that, you know, perhaps discussed with the mom who's saying they don't really understand why why the siblings aren't getting on but I think sometimes in these situations it can be tempting to sort of shift to an all or nothing you know right well then that's it they're not getting anything else from me ever again type of rage and whilst I can understand that it may also close off doors that that mean it's very difficult to open them again as things shift and change and and sibling relationships

like we said may change throughout our entire life um and I was thinking of the the you know the Baz Luhrmann um wear sunscreen song and there's a line in that that says something like be kind to your siblings they're the the closest connection to your past but also the people that are likely to be there in your future and whilst it feels like perhaps for Mikey that isn't what they're describing right now it may be that there's a time when something shifts and changes again so instead of the kind of all or nothing I suppose my advice would be to think about the layers and the levels and what they feel is the sort of comfortable place where they don't feel that they're perhaps it's too painful or that they're being taken advantage of or that they're

getting nothing back but that doesn't sever all ties so that there is that possibility because I think that's what they're saying they want that possibility in the future and to find that level and to decide for themselves, you know, what that could look like. Do you think that you should ever involve your parents in this kind of thing, that if you have that sibling breakdown, is it right to bring your parents into it if you're adults? I think it can be.'s very much depends on the situation but it can be and and I know now there are you know psychologists that are offering family therapy for adults for all of the adults so that you know siblings and their parents come in and talk about relationship dynamics within the family you know and still do that work later on in life.

dynamics within the family uh you know and still do that work later on in life what additional support do you think is out there for mikey if he wanted to pursue this further but needed more support i mean like i said there are therapists family therapists that are offering that kind of um support uh for adults um but it may also be a little bit of just reflective time themselves to or perhaps in conversation with someone who they trust to perhaps just really be clear on what feels okay and what feels enough because at this point I suspect it is about negotiating the boundaries and just finding a way forward for now that feels like it might be containable and manageable. Dr Hazel, thank you so much for that. And I hope that's been helpful for Mikey. That's it for today. Thank you so much for sending in your dilemmas and sharing your stories with us.

It's so important that we're having these honest conversations that ultimately everyone can benefit from. So if there's something you want to talk about, then please keep them coming. Whether it's big or small, get in touch with us. You can email us or send a voice note to hello at itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk. You can also find us on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook. Just search forick Can't Just Be Me. And remember, whatever you're dealing with, I promise it's not just you. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Before John F. Kennedy's famous decade was out,

before Eagle had set down on the surface of the moon, before NASA had rescued the crew of Apollo 13, they had already set their sights on a new vehicle, Space Shuttle. I'm Kevin Fong, and in this new podcast, we're bringing you the incredible story of the birth of the Space Shuttle era, as told by the people who built and flew it. From the ACAST Creator Network, 16 sunsets, coming soon. 16 sunsets coming soon Acast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere