It Can't Just Be Me - Ripping Up Your Life in Midlife with Lu Featherstone

Episode Date: January 15, 2025

Joining Anna this week is Lu Featherstone: a self-proclaimed former wild child, who turned ‘good wife’ and ‘good mother’, before throwing it all up in the air and reclaiming her freedom once again – this time, in her 50s. Feeling trapped after trying to squeeze herself into roles that didn’t feel true to who she really was, she finally exploded out of the box she’d found herself in, and embraced an avalanche of rainbow sequins, huge sunglasses and naked photos in the wild. Lu's story is familiar to so many people finding themselves struggling at this point in life; she shares with Anna why she thinks midlife is so difficult, particularly for women, how she came to find her true self again, and how a unsolicited cheeky picture turned into a catalyst for her new life taking off.If you or someone you know is struggling with any of the topics discussed in It Can’t Just Be Me, you can find useful resources and support here: https://audioalways.lnk.to/ItcantjustbemeIG.Every Friday Anna, alongside a panel of experts, will be addressing YOUR dilemmas in our brand new episodes ‘It’s Not Just You'! If you have a dilemma or situation you'd like discussed, reach out to Anna by emailing [e-mail] or DM her on Instagram @itcantjustbemepod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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that work with you. From meditating at your kid's game to mastering a strength program, they've got everything you need to keep knocking down your goals. No pressure to be who you're not. Just workouts and classes to strengthen who you are. So no matter your era, make it your best with Peloton. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at OnePeloton.ca

Hello, I'm Anna Richardson and welcome to It Can't Just Be Me. If you've listened before, hello. And if you're joining me for the very first time, it's great to have you here. This is the podcast that helps you realise you're not the only one. It's a safe space where nothing is off-limits as we try to help you understand that whatever you might be going through, it's really not just you. So each week I'm joined by a different celebrity guest who will talk through the challenges and hurdles they faced in their own lives in order to help you with yours. I want to know about it all. The weird, the wonderful, the crazy.

Because these conversations are nothing if not open and honest. So let's get started. Let's get started. My guest today is a self-proclaimed former wild child who turned good wife and good mother before throwing it all up in the air and reclaiming her freedom once again, this time in her 50s. Feeling trapped after trying to squeeze herself into roles that didn't feel true to who she really was, she finally exploded out of the box she'd found herself in and embraced an avalanche of rainbow sequins, huge sunglasses and naked photos in the wild. I love that. Newly separated, menopausal and living in the States, she started building an online community on a

mission to spread the message of self-love and liberation to women everywhere. She's toured America in a converted leopard print bus called Suzy, of course she has, got divorced, moved back to the UK and is now hosting her own podcast called The Self-Love Revolution. It is, of course, unmistakably Lou Featherstone. How are you? Welcome to the pod. Thanks for having me. You're looking fabulous as always, which must be what everybody says to you whenever they meet you. Oh yeah, I'm here for it. I love it. If a bitch has made an effort,

Exactly, then it needs to be saluted. Absolutely. I actually even make a sweatshirt that says I like your outfit to encourage others because they're really good at that in America. Everywhere you go, I love your glasses. And I love the people that that brings into my life you know for people following me around the supermarket trying to talk to me and I don't know I just meet amazing strangers. You know it's so true because I watched your TED talk last night and people are whooping and cheering and this was obviously done in the States and they're really behind you aren't they and what's

so nice is that every now and again you stop and you go thank you you know thank you for that recognition, which we're not very good at in this country, I don't think. So you are fabulous, you look fabulous. But before we really get into it, what is your, it can't just be me, dilemma? Well, apart from people not telling each other that they look good,

I would say it's people walking along the street on their damn phones. Oh. Put your phone away and look up. Old school. Yeah. Call me old fashioned. There's parts of me. You miss so much. I mean, fine if you're on the train. I know we've all got messages. I know the phone's going. We're doing this. But people walking along on their phone, concentrate where you're going. You're getting on my nerves, number one. Yes, number one. But two, you miss so much fun if you're not looking where you're going. So many things are happening.

You're right, life is happening. Yeah, I've been freelancing for the last 10, 15 years. I've been hustling. And the last month I've been working in the Choose Love shop for Christmas. And it's the first time, I mean, this is so privileged. The first time in 21 years, I've had a full time, got to get there at 9 a.m. job. And I've had to get on the train every day. And it's been so humbling to do that again.

I've been in such a privileged position. Will you just please yourself? Yeah. And I'm like, oh, hats off to people in retail at Christmas. I will give up my seat to anyone who's had to stand on their feet all day because I am knackered. But the joy of things on the train when you actually look up my favourite thing is actually watching someone on the train get a dirty text message you can tell when they've got one it's a certain like little grin that they get on their face and I'm like you just got a sexy text. I know you have I recognise that face. I can tell

that but there was a lady the other day with a library book and I was like when was the last time you saw anybody with a library book? I just thought it was the cutest thing I've ever seen and then I like listening to I don't even like wearing earphones on the train I like hearing what everybody else is listening to. Yeah. Some guy was listening to some wicked New Orleans jazz that inspired me when I got home. Hold on you mean in public? Yeah like these earphones were just too loud. Okay. And so I could hear what he was listening to. I will accept earphones, I will not accept people playing music in public on public transport.

No. No. Well, why are you FaceTiming your friend with no earphones? Exactly, why would you do that? I don't care about your friend. I don't care. I'm not interested. I do not care.

But in this situation, you approved of the New Orleans Jazz that was bleeding through. Bleeding through. Okay. But it's just, I don't know, there's so many things happening, but it just seems sad to me that we're on our phones while we're walking. I get it. I love my phone. Put your phone down and look around you and say good morning to people.

That is definitely not just you. Definitely not just you. I'm fully behind you on this one. Now look, let's start at the very beginning of your life because your dad was a vicar, just like mine, which explains so much. Just tell me, because I mean, I know the answer to this and you and I would have so much to talk about

in terms of our upbringing, but for people that don't really understand that kind of secret society, what impact do you think being a vicarage kid had on you as a child and who you are now as a woman? Well I don't know why, it's just made me cry. I know it's you know what it's very particular and it takes meeting somebody else to get, you're going to make me cry.

I think because it gave me the best bits of me and the worst bits of me. I think I don't know how much you moved. Yeah, seven or eight times. Yeah, we moved all the time. We were always on display. You know, I was the vicar's daughter who happened to be called Louisa. I was never this is Louisa. It was, you know, this is Louisa. So automatically there's I've got to behave myself. I grew up with itchy dresses that my mother made, you know, and we were poor as church mice. I think that's where the expression came out. We were poor, but living in these huge houses, you know, eight bedroom, rackety old Victorian, you know, that must be worth millions now. But like we could only afford to heat two rooms because I think that

a 10 grand or something, you know, but the front door was always open. And this is the bit I think was just such an amazing training ground for life. And I think the best bit was that you never knew who'd be at the front door. It could be a grieving, you know, wife, it could be somebody looking to get married, to get baptized, looking for counseling, you know, it could be somebody home with someone else, making beans on toast for homeless people when I was seven, or it could be the bishop, so you had to be on your best behavior. So, so yeah, I had exactly that as well, which was it could be the bishop or a beggar. Yeah. At the front door. So you got we got used to as children opening the front door and going, oh, okay, hey, it's the bishop, dad, the bishops here or somebody to say in

need or in tears. And I think it gave me a huge curiosity about people which then informs what I do for a living. Absolutely. But for you then, how has it made you, how has it constructed you as a woman now? Because you're incredibly brave and out there. So what did it give you? I think it gave me a confidence but also made me really insecure if you can have those two things at once. I think that's just being a woman. But I felt very insecure moving all the time. But it was also an opportunity to reinvent myself. So constantly sort of like reinventing myself. I was terribly naughty. I mean, I was, you know, my earliest memories are, you know, I think I talked about it in my TED

talk about I was on the naughty table, you know, when I stood out like a sore thumb. I mean, my dad used to come to school to do assemblies. It was literally cringe. That's massive cringe. It was so cringe. There's nothing cool about your dad wearing a black dress. And he was chair of the, he was chair of the governors. I mean, there was no way to escape him. It was literally everywhere.

And the worst or the best thing was that everyone adored him. Yes. Everybody worshiped him. My mum was jealous as hell. She called them cassock beetles. All the women were throwing themselves at him. And then having been around that that community of being central to the town Central to the church everybody sort of like looking to the vicarage in your family to you know, just just be there all the time

Do you find that you now need to be around people a lot? And I think it's very much, my friend said the other day, I've just realized you are your dad preaching masturbation instead of like, you know, the gospel of St. Luke. But my dad definitely sees the exact correlation as well. He's really grown with me, you know, growing in my public confidence as well. And he sees it very much as a mission.

He keeps trying to get me to be ordained. I'm like, dad, I don't think he blessed you. Do you know what, Lou, there could be something in that. But how much of a pressure did you feel? Are you the only girl or have you got a sister? No, I've got a sister and a brother but he went off to choir. He was going to the Worcester Cathedral choir. Oh, did he?

Yeah, he buggered off quite early. So you've got you and your sister. Did you both feel the pressure to conform and be good girls? Well, I think my sister's six years younger than me, so she sit quietly watching me get into trouble for everything and learn quite a lot of lessons. My brother was at boarding school, so I took the fall for all of them. So thank you. You're welcome. You too.

Yeah, I took it so that you didn't have to. But you did feel that that, even though you were naughty, you felt because I was really naughty as well. And I went to boarding school and you know, got suspended and sort of discipline and all the rest of it. Is there something in girls of priests, but effectively vickers, feeling like they've got to stand out and be different and basically say, Fuck you. Yeah, I think so. And we have the worst reputation that's got to be. That's

true. There's definitely something in it. I think it's because we are so boxed in to these rules. And on display. Yeah. From such an early age. But let me ask you this, because you met your husband, you married, you had a baby, Oscar so far, so normal, so expected. But I've heard you talk about spending those years trying to be, in inverted commas, a good wife. So what did that look like for you and why did it feel so unnatural?

I don't know, I think I've never been faithful to anyone. Terrible, yeah. I'd always had. Do you know why? No, I don't know why and I don't know if this comes back to being, you know, being on display so early. I always had secretive behavior. I've always just been, I've always been terribly light-fingered. Like I'd steal my polos from my cousin, stole a bracelet when I was five. That then sort of went on to loads of deceit around money.

I've had a lifetime of struggles with finances. I had loads of secret debts really early on. But also that, that to me would absolutely feed into being Vicarage Kids. Because as you say, we were poor as church mice. So there was always that struggle around money. I mean, I used to knit the communion wine. I feel so validated right now.

Oh, yeah, no, we were thieving everything. I used to wear secondhand pants because we never we didn't have any money. So I totally get that. So I can understand that as you then got older, you were like, well, I'm just going to take this because we we haven't got it. Otherwise, you know, I've got I've got struggles with money Yeah, I was in debt as well when I was younger quite a lot So that all feeds into our upbringing. It's funny isn't it? And it's only while we've been talking I've only folks the first time I've thought about Maybe there's something in living in that huge house and it being this big show of us having this big house

But actually the reality of was literally we lived in rooms we're frost on the inside of the windows every morning like but everybody saw us as terribly grand yeah and we had the garden fate in the back garden and there's like 200 people wandering around we're like you've got no idea what goes on in there like this is the thing is is that you have status and we're establishment, but actually we were incredibly poor and those two things, uh, you know, don't sit well, do they? It's really confusing as a child. Very confusing. And then I just wanted to get fingered and snog people in the choir.

So that on top that made dad. Why wouldn't you? And yet, and yet you tried to be this good wife. So what was that about? Was that trying to emulate your mother? Was it sort of thinking this is what was expected of me? Yeah, that all of those things I think. And there was never any pressure from mum and dad, it was pressure of my own making in my own head, you know, that I think we all have, particularly as women. And I think I had a really traumatic birth. I always thought I'd

have a mini bus full of kids, always gone, you know, really well with kids. I connect with kids, first jobs with kids in care, went for Barnardo's, went out to Berlin and worked for the military as a youth worker out there. Oh, wow. So I always, my life felt like it was going to be working with kids, particularly kids in care or, you know, kids in crisis. That was probably after mum as well. I was going to say, why kids in crisis and kids in care?

Why did that appeal to you so much? I don't know, I think because I always just seem to find a connection. I could because of the Vicarage training, I could find a connection with anybody. And I think my blunt talking, which is I've always been like this. Same. Yeah, it is what it is. And I'm very, you know, absolutely OK with being Marmite. Of course, you don't want people to hate you, but I'm also aware that a loud mouth woman

doesn't always go down well. Everybody likes it. You know, I'm very sweary, jarring. I think the kids might call me now. She's quite jarring, but I'm OK with that. I spent my lifetime like that. And then I met my husband, who was, you know, a really lovely man and was very, very career driven and knew exactly what he wanted. And I was like, well, that's sexy.

You know, I found it terribly sexy that he was, you know, so driven and so clear in what he wanted. And as I wasn't, and I felt quite happy bobbing along, very soon I'm bobbing with his bob, and I'd lost my own bob. I can completely identify with that. So, you know, I know your story, but for people listening, you then dramatically changed your life.

So it was publicly, it was bombastically, it was very, very out there. So just take us through what happened after having married, having Oscar, trying to be this good wife. You just blew it all up. I blew it all up. Oh my God, just blew it all up I blew it all up oh my god I blew it all up so it was you know what we lived in Brighton we had a

little house right by the sea I was chair of the PTA I was Mrs. Community I was running community festivals of sitting on the chair of the I was sitting on the governor's like you know circled around being my dad but my husband's commute to London was was brutal but he loved his job and he was doing really well and the money was coming in and I was working for social services part-time, working with families in crisis and loving that. And everything was kind of okay,

apart from us really drifting apart, you know, two separate lives. I'm off to the council estate in Brighton and he's off for a 20 pound bacon sandwich in Soho, you know, Lardadi Dar advertising world. And we were really drifting apart. And he got offered about six different jobs in America, all at once. Wow. And I was like, well, that's a sign we've got to go to America. So we ended up going to Portland in Oregon. Beautiful and so exciting. So exciting. He did

get offered a really exciting job in San Francisco, which he took and then changed his mind. And I was horrified because I told everyone we were moving to San Francisco. And then he came home and said, we're moving to Oregon. I'm like, I'm moving to fuck. What do I want to go there for? Anyway, well, I'm not committing career suicide just because you want to live in California, which I thought was terribly selfish. Anyway, off we pack, we packed up and off we went to Portland. I mean, absolutely stunning. And we're super outdoorsy, snowboarders, hikers, campers, you know, so this was, this was the dream. Oh, this is heaven, come on.

This was gonna bring us back together and we were gonna have this adventure together. Well, within the first two weeks of arriving, he landed a huge client in New York. And so spent the next year traveling backwards and forwards to New York. Oh my God so hang on so you'd exploded your life you moved to America you're living in Oregon which is not where you wanted to be anyway and then actually your husband is still commuting. Further with jet lag on a

five-hour flight he went to New York 48 times in in the first year. Oh my god. So within literally weeks of arriving, we started to just drift apart. Even more. We took off one separate path. We didn't realize at the time, but I set about building a life with me and Oscar, so I got ensconced in the PTA at school, blah, blah, blah.

So actually just repeating what you'd done in Brighton but this time in America. One of the biggest components for it all was the fact that when we arrived, someone gave us a hamper of goods to welcome us to Portland. And, you know, there was a, I don't know, a tea towel, some coffee, I don't know, very Portland-y things, but in there was a book about hiking, 20 best hikes within an hour and a half in Portland.

Amazing. So I'm like, brilliant, I love a hike, off I go. So the first week I had no one to go with, Oscar had started school, guy was on the flight to New York, I'm like, open the book, pick a hike off. I tootled on my own, took a few pictures, put it on Facebook, mainly just to piss everybody back off at home. Look at me and my new life. Ha, actually all by myself.

Yeah. And the next day at school and mum at the school gate. Could I come next time? And I was like, of course you can. Yeah, sure. Shall I meet you in the coffee shop next door to school? She went, yeah, can I bring my mate? I'm like wicked. And from that week, from the third week, Hike Squad was born and each week, different women would come.

And the only rule was we met in the coffee shop, dropped the kids at school, met at the coffee shop. You had to bring something to share for lunch and a can of hiking wine, we called it hiking wine. And we drove up a mountain, bitching about our husbands all the way to the top, had free therapy at the top, had free therapy at the top, drank our hiking wine and then tootled back down and picked up the kids from school. I mean

fabulous. We were killing life and each week it was different women. Some weeks there'd be 25 of us, others there'd be two. But again creating that community of women and was this the point where you then posted a naked photo of you at the top of a volcano? Yeah. So Hike Squad grew and grew. Winter months with Snowshoe. And then we started to get really ambitious and go on big away trips. We did the Grand Canyon together, you know, and then with this, my confidence grew, my fitness grew. So, Riding Bail was these women who were just like, fuck yeah. You know, American women are just really empowering

and uplifting for each other in a very different way. I don't, I haven't found so much here. That's very interesting. Very different from, from how we do it culturally here. Yeah. I just thought, because I've changed jobs and moved so much and I'm pretty nimble. When I came home, I thought I would just be able to recreate what I had there. And I have not been able to find it in two years. I think these girls did set the bar terrifically high, you know, and obviously we were, there was a hardcore eight of us that were in a very fortunate position. We had all had very well, fancy husbands with fancy jobs.

We were, we only work part time if at all. Um, and so we did have the absolute, absolute luxury. I was going to say you've got the privilege and the freedom of being able to create Hike Squad and basically go and get pissed up a mountain. Yeah, and then strip Yeah, so you found this amazing community of women out there. But again you then Exploded your life and was this after receiving a dick pic We climbed this mountain one day and I had this beautiful gown that I bought for a birthday party that I've refused to put away It was like it cost $600. I'm gonna wear this damn gown

It's like a dressing gown. It's I was packing it after the party I was packing it in its tissue paper and I was like no no no no no no this is the most expensive thing I've ever bought it needs to live its best life so I'd shoved it in a rucksack and decided to take it up a mountain and I never forget taking my clothes off to wear it so it would flap on the top of the mountain and there's just out of the picture the picture pictures epic but just to the left of the picture with these two poor hikers having lunch and I remember one of them going she's bold so we took a few of the flapping dresser gowns then I took it off and it's just me naked at the top of this volcano in my hiking socks looking amazing as

well I posted it on Instagram and within 25 minutes, I got a dick pic from a 26 year old at the gym, which was my first ever dick pic. I talk about it in my Ted talk and I'm like, call me a terrible feminist. I mean, I'm saying feminism back years and I know, you know, dick pics are not welcome boys. This one, however, did actually, it started a catalyst of events. It did didn't it? It did for you. Yeah, nothing ever happened with the dick pic. I was literally sitting thinking what's going on? And I was like oh my god I'm horny, what's happening?

And this is as a menopausal woman who's in a bit of a sort of unhappy marriage by this point. Yes, we drifted so far apart,'ve neglected the most basic needs for each other. I mean that man had not shagged me for a very long time. When I left Portland, I went to get my bikini line waxed and burst into tears and the bikini wax went, have I hurt you? And I was like, I have been coming here for 10 years. My husband has never, ever looked at my bikini line and I leave tomorrow. It was the saddest day ever.

Which I think a lot of women will be able to identify with. So this is the point that actually you rediscovered your sexuality, isn't it? And my marriage had mostly actually been very, very happy. But at this point, I started to realize quite how much of myself I put away. And I'm like, if this is the first time I felt horny in 10 years, what the fuck? What else have I? where has that gone? Where's that massive part of me? The wharf that was me before I was married.

Where's the rest of me gone? And I started to realize quite how much of me I'd sort of like put away to be where I was. So what did you do? Left my husband, moved into the spare room, got a vibrator first. Ha ha! ["Spring Day"] New year, new me. Season is here and honestly, we're already over it. Enter Felix, the healthcare company helping Canadians take a different approach to weight loss this year.

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A message from the Government of Canada. You started to rediscover your sexuality and then this this started this whole catalyst, this chain of events where you realised, I'm really unhappy. So you moved into the spare room. It was now we're looking at COVID coinciding with the menopause. Yeah, COVID and the menopause. So being in lockdown and the menopause and then splitting up with your other half. Yeah, moving into the spare room. It was a lot. It was a lot.

And my poor son, you know, is trapped in the house as well. It's not. Luckily, it was a big, again, we had, you know, it was it was quite a nice house. At least there was a spare room to even go to. But you had the sensible conversation though, didn't you, with Oscar, to say, look, you know, mum and dad are splitting up. We love each other. This doesn't have to be traumatic, but this is the end of things as you know it. Yeah, this is the end of this chapter. You know, the romantics, you know, we're coming

to an end of our romantic bit. And I think for him, much like I did with mum and dad, you know, I think he then saw us. We did conscious some coupling, not consciously, but kind of, you know, we had because of, because of lockdown, I ended up being in the spare room for two years. So, and because of finances, we couldn't afford anywhere else. So we had to kind of find this new relationship and this new level for each other, which I'm really grateful for. I mean, at the time it was like count to ten before I opened the bedroom door every morning and you know grit my teeth really and I

think sometimes I think that was quite hard on Oscar because I think we found ironically we found more grace in each other for each other in our separation than we had in our marriage we were able to be kinder and more thoughtful and reflective yeah but then when lockdown ended you then blew your life up again and this is when the bus who we now know is Suzy named after your mum, this is when the bus came into play so tell us what you did next because you then took yourself on tour basically. Yeah well I'd also had a very long journey with mum and her Alzheimer's so mum had developed Alzheimer's for at that point it had

been about 15 years. So then she had died in the middle of all of that. She had also died. What, in the middle of COVID? God, that's even more difficultly. So, well that's part of, because she could, dad couldn't get in to see her, so she deteriorated so quickly. Oh God, that's awful. Yeah, so he's still, he's still reeling with that. Yeah. Yeah. So that was hard. She deteriorated super quickly and had a fall. And so he did get in to see her towards the end. But it was.

But you were in the States. So your mom, so Suzy was was back at home with your dad and in a care home, presumably. I mean, she got early onset 60. Oh, my God. Yeah. And so she was ill before we even left. She was already sort of deteriorating and but she was still able to come and go. So when we when I got offered a job, it felt incredibly selfish to go. I didn't think it would end up being quite such a long journey and awful and so painful at the end. I mean, I don't know why I thought was going to happen. My romantic it is it is uniquely difficult, isn't it?

Dementia. Yeah. It is incredibly painful. And again, I think it's something that people don't understand unless they've lived it. So my dad has dementia as well. And it's, it is just a living slow grief. It really is.

Day by day. So I'm so sorry, cause you wouldn't have seen your mom. Oh, and there's so many, I have so many damn questions for my mum. Do you? Yes, so many questions. She was just so wise and she was such a good soul. She always had the right answer and the right kind answer for everybody. Even if you didn't want to hear it, she still somehow managed to give you the right thing, you know, give you the right idea.

The thing that you needed. You know, and I feel very lucky that if I close my eyes and listen, I can still hear what, I know the answer. My sister and I know, you know what mum would say. I was gonna make me cry, go. It's so difficult, because at the end of the day, we're always children. We're always children. Your mum's your mum, hey.

Oh, I know. But in the middle of all of that her dying and then my son was about to graduate high school we were coming out of lockdown I'm like what do I do next like what the hell do the hell do I what what's next for me and I had been sharing more and more of my journey online and being more and more open with you know I bought a vibrator and I'd sort of like discovered my sexual pleasure for myself again for the first time in years.

I think I'd had an orgasm for my actual self. I just shared it all and my inbox was filled with women, just desperate for some sort of connection. I felt this, I was building this community online and I'm like, but I know I'm fun in online, but I'm way more fun in real life. I know I've got something to give, but I don't know what that looks like. And as I was trying to decide, I went out for a hike, of course. And then on the way back from the hike, I saw this old Greyhound bus that had been

done up into a camper and my mate and I jumped out, we ran around it going, oh my God, this is so amazing. And I was like, I can move out the house and just live in the damn thing. And then I went off to see Guy every morning and I, sorry, guys. And I went home and that night I had a joint and like gin and tonic is legal in Oregon. So it's fine. There was a huge storm and a tree fell down this huge. We lived in a forest, this huge tree fell down, fell on the house.

And I was like, it's the side. I got to buy a bath. I've got to buy the bath. I decided I needed to buy a bus and that I was gonna take this bus on tour. And the idea behind the bus was that I would throw events as I've traveled around America and I would connect women and build communities everywhere I went.

And that was the basics for the bus. So you decided I'm gonna take myself on tour in my bus. Guy helped you wrap the bus, didn't he? And sort of make it basically leopard print. And she was called Susie. And off you went on your own. And I was so annoyed because I didn't want to call her Susie. I wanted to call her something else.

And I hadn't decided what, but I had, I wanted to call her Shirley Valentine. But then I thought the Americans won't know who Shirley Valentine is. And I'll spend the whole time explaining who she was. But also something wonderful about that this is named after your mum. And everyone went, you've got to call her Susie.

And I went, oh, I suppose so. But then she's going to make me think about mum all the time. Oh, we have the best chats, like everywhere. I'm broken down in the middle of bloody Tennessee and in the middle of nowhere, chatting to mum. We're getting stuck up a hill. I'm like, come on Susie, we can do it. It was so lovely.

And everywhere I went, people are like, what she called? And I'm like, Suszy, after my mummy died. And so I get to talk about her all the time. But Lou, as somebody who's so sociable and so community-minded, had been married for years with a son, Oscar, for you to suddenly just take yourself off on your own, how hard was that? It was terrifying and exciting and now I can't

really remember which was which. I mean they're the same, I learned that they're exactly the same emotional, physical, chemical response in your body, fear and excitement. So I cannot remember. I think the lowest point was for sure I did a terrible thing and I had been building up. So I bought the bus, I crowdfunded the bus because I had no money. I found this freaking bus down in Arizona and the guy went, I'll give you a month to raise the money because I went, this is my Instagram, this is what I want to do.

And he went, amazing, but you have to pay for it. And I was like, okay, fine. Well, can you give me a month? He said, you can have one month. I'll take it off the market. So I crowdfunded the bus and then I got a one way ticket down to Arizona to go and collect her. Well, I mean, I got out of the plane, took one look at the bus and just sank to my

knees and burst into tears and was like, what the fuck have I done? Absolutely mad. And then had to drive it like two and a half thousand miles back to Oregon. I was just, I mean, I broke down all the way. Thank God I had my best friend with me at the time, because otherwise I would have just lost my mind. I picked her up halfway in Palm Springs, but it was a bit of a learning curve. And then I was like, what have I done? Oh my God, this bus.

So then I set about getting a team of sponsors to pay for the tour. And so, you know, just had a bit of a team around me. And then obviously it was a big buildup to leaving. And I think this was, this was, this must have been so devastating for my husband and son because normally when you leave your husband you have a bit of an argument and maybe one of you packs a bag and bugger's off. Slams the door. Not me, I've been on the family calendar. Mum's leaving on the 12th of June and it was like we were counting down and I'm like yeah going on tour and my husband and son are like yeah

brilliant okay. How hard was that for them to wave you off? Oh, it gets worse. So we've had this, we have this build up or this build down depending on which way you look at the calendar. And then the night before I parked the bus outside the house and I'd invited about 200 people to come and wave me off.

And I don't know what I was thinking But there was like everyone's blowing whistles and banging on drums and they'd all bought flags and champagne And my husband and son are just sort of standing there going fucking great This is brilliant and they're the ones that count and then this is your family all 250 people had to stand there and watch me as I Just sort of said goodbye to them on the corner of the street and then I fucking just drove off and left them standing there. Have you talked to them about that?

All the things to do, yeah, yeah, because I, it's such an awful thing to have done. I feel so. Has there been forgiveness there from you both? I hope so, I hope so. My son has. I don't know how else I would have done it because I had to just cause a fandango about it because it was such a big deal I suppose. Well, and also this is your life. This is you in midlife going, I have got to get out of this. How long were you on the road for?

Four months. Wow. Oh, I wish I'd kept going. I should have kept going for longer. And you'd organised all of these community events along the way. You had such an amazing reaction from people. You built this extraordinary community, particularly for women. Why was it such an important thing for you to be able to connect with people, but particularly with women?

And you must have heard some amazing stories along the way. Oh, so many amazing stories, honestly. It all happened so quickly, I was desperate, I really wanted to take a camera crew. I was like, this is, this is the, you know, you can see it now. It's a documentary. You can see it. It should have been a documentary, but also it shouldn't have been because I think now on reflection, half of the things that happened would never have happened if I'd had a camera crew in tow. And so I'm absolutely so grateful that it didn't, you know, I know, although it would have been a good episode when I was lying in Kentucky

and there was gunshots outside and I've got a video of myself going, what do we do? What do we do? What do we do? There's a Harley Davidson rally and they're all shooting at each other. But, you know, the people I met and the stories I heard and the people in need, it was the women in need that came knocking on my door. And I think that was the thing. I mean, I did the bus up. It's a bit like my outfits, right? It'd go all the way back again to what we were talking about at the beginning. I wanted people to go, what's she doing? What's this about? What's she up to? You know, who are you?

So you were inviting curiosity and you were inviting connection. Yeah, I had a QR code on the back of the bus so people could go straight to my Instagram and see what I was doing. But this sort of invited people to come and say, do you know what, Lou, I need some help as well. My life is in crisis as well. And you were able to help them. Yeah. I mean, even just by looking at my Instagram, people are like, oh my God. And I think that's it. Most people, the commonest thing I get in my direct messages is you allow me to be myself. You give me permission to say what I think.

You've given me permission to leave my husband. You've given me permission to stand up for myself, given permission to claim my power back, you know? And I wanted to spread that far and wide. I did not feel confident until my mid forties. And that just feels really, I mean, I think what I could have achieved if I felt confident younger

and not just bobbed along with my husband's career. Well, let's talk a little bit about that because there are so many people and obviously you and I are both in midlife. So many people feel stuck when they get to midlife. They feel trapped. Why do you think it is such a difficult time? And how can we change things up if we're feeling trapped? It's such a difficult time, but then it coincides with also just this period in life where you just start to give a few less fucks as well. That sort of like naturally comes.

Well, there's a bit of a tension, isn't there, between you've got family responsibilities, you've got aging parents, you might have kids, you know, going to university, your job might be in crisis, your marriage is probably falling, you know, failing. Well, you're left sitting on the sofa looking at the person next to you going, okay. Yeah. Oh. But then at the same time, as you say, you go, I don't really give a shit about any of this. Yeah. So what advice have you got for people who are going, I feel, I feel, I feel stuck.

What would you say? So much of it is about knowing yourself and understanding yourself. Making space for yourself is so difficult, particularly as a busy mum or, you know, as a busy... any human, it's not just women, creating a space is exhausting. I mean, I realised how much when you were saying about being going off on my own. I have learnt so much peace in being quiet. Well, I was going to ask, what did you learn? Quiet, you learn so much about yourself in the quiet.

And I've learnt, when I'm scared, something good's happening. Of course I'm learning something. Well because you're growing. Yeah, if I'm not scared, it's probably not worth doing it. I've got to be terrified and at the moment I'm really terrified because I'm planning to take the bus on tour around the UK next year And I'm proper terrified. So I keep having to remind myself on a daily basis because it's very easy to go I'm really scared. Let's just not do it Let's and is it taking it on tour because you want to continue to connect with with people and particularly women

I mean that was always the plan was when the plan was to bring the bus back and buy a field and then throw Events in the field and great women, right? And but the bus was when the plan was to bring the bus back and buy a field and then throw events in the field and great women. Right. And, but the bus was so powerful on the road. I thought when I brought it back, cause she's a bit of a dirty diesel. She's not exactly eco-friendly. And I, but I was like, she needs, she deserves one last hurrah around the UK. And cause you know, we, it gives this sense of permission to women and what's possible.

You don't have to leave your husband on a bloody bus and stand naked on top of a because it gives this sense of permission to women about what's possible. You don't have to leave your husband on a bloody bus and stand naked on top of a volcano, but watching me do that in such a public way, I think, gives women permission just to be a little bit braver. If I get one message a day from a woman going, I've wore a pink hat today,

which for some women is a massive deal. That's huge to try something new. If you try something new and see how it feels and go from there, one thing leads to another thing. It doesn't mean leaving your husband. I got asked if I was a divorce influencer. And I'm like, that's not what I am. If it-

I'm a me influencer. I'm a me, I'm about finding your confidence in your marriage, having a voice, feeling, you know, having a role in your marriage other than just being his wife. Well let me ask you, how do you get on with Guy now? Well I think, I mean when the TED talk came out I felt, I was very careful when I wrote the TED talk because I don't want to be up there trashing my marriage. I was very, very happy.

Lots of this was not him, it was me. It was me that didn't ask for what I needed. It was me that didn't say, this is, you know, I think you're a wanker and you're being really thoughtless and what about me? It was me that shut up because I didn't want to upset the apple cart. So I don't blame him.

It's not like my husband was really awful to me and neglected me. We neglected each other and I try to, I'm always very careful to try and accept responsibility for that. And when the TED talk, I wrote the TED talk, I wanted to be very careful for him. And obviously he's my son's dad.

So, you know, he's gonna be in my life forever. And so, you know, and it's important for me to maintain that relationship. And I called him and, and it's important for me to maintain that relationship. And I called him and I said, I just want you to know that in the TED talk, I talk about the fact that you helped me design the bus and that I'm really grateful for you for doing that. And you've got a big clap. It got a huge whoop in the auditory. And I felt very proud that I'd done that. And he said, he replied, it's just who I am. And I was and I was like I love that but then Lou you have I mean in embracing this this refound you in embracing your refound

sexuality you've also refound love haven't you know you have a new love or an old love it's an old love back again, rewind and come again. And I've discovered recently how common this is. It's really, really common. So he was my very first love when I worked in Cardiff. He was at college at Cardiff while I was at Barnardo's. He was the DJ and I was the bar girl. And it was one of those very passionate, let's call it passionate, relationships.

We found each other again and it's like a different, it's completely different. It's like night and day. i actually left him for my husband did you so you've come full circle i'm full circle that's extraordinary so you left him for guy and then however many what 30 years later 25 years later 35 years later actually i found you again i'm coming back wow it's either the greatest love story of all time we're absolutely crazy we haven't quite figured out which yet

but it's certainly fun it's fun it's so much fun and it's yeah I've never had a relationship where I've asked for what I need and been able to say what I want and if you don't like it then I don't know what to tell you about that it's quite good it's quite refreshing sorry okay let's take a quick break right here but don't go anywhere Lee because in a moment I'm gonna ask you to pick a question from my box of truth the only rule is you must answer that answer has to be honest but I've got no problems I've got no worries with with you on this one are you up for one. Are you up for it? I'm so up for it. comes in. Felix is redefining weight loss for Canadians with a smarter, more personalized approach to help you crush your health goals this year. Losing weight is about more than diet and

exercise. It can also be about our genetics, hormones, metabolism. Felix connects you with online licensed healthcare practitioners who understand that everybody is different and compare your healthy lifestyle with the right support to reach your goals. Start your visit today at felix.ca. That's felix.ca. Whether you're in your running era, Pilates era, or yoga era, dive into Peloton workouts that work with you. From meditating at your kid's game to mastering a strength program, they've got everything you need to keep knocking down your goals.

No pressure to be who you're not. Just workouts and classes to strengthen who you are. So no matter your era, make it your best with Peloton. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at OnePeloton.ca. I'm hiring but where can I find potential candidates? Hundreds of thousands of Canadians with disabilities are ready and eager to work. Help create an inclusive workplace that benefits everyone. Find the tools and resources to help you hire persons with disabilities at Canada.ca slash right here.

A message from the government of Canada. Welcome back to It Can't Just Be Me and I am here with the fabulous, the inimitable Lou Featherstone and it's time for the It Can't Just Be Me box of truth. The moment when guests normally start to become just a little bit uncomfortable but I've got a feeling that actually Lou, you're going to embrace this. Okay in front of you there's a little box of cards containing random personal questions. All you need to do is get involved, pick one out and just read out the question and give us an honest answer. Okay, let's go. I like being truthful. I think it's quite free. It's important. It is freeing. If you dared to be a bit more selfish, what might you do? Oh, I know you see what's weird about the box of truth is it always reflects what we've been talking about. It's mad isn't it? So if you dared I mean you dared but if you dared to be a bit more

selfish what would that look like? I don't know I feel like I am quite selfish these days. Is there anything else that you would want to do to be 100% you or to say this is what I still want to do and it's all about me? I mean going off on tour next year I can see the new boyfriend's a little rattled. I think he's a little rattled. Could he not come with? No. It's like I don't want you to darling. Yeah, not that I don't want him to, but it's my next chapter and he's very much part of that. But I think the journey. So tell me about the next chapter. The next chapter is the tour.

This is about you. And what does that look like in terms of the next chapter? Just paint that for the next 10 years for me. I mean, I can understand that. I can understand his concern considering the last time I drove off on a bus, you know, I can understand why he's a little triggered, but I won't be far away. So the next year is all about the tour, so I've developed quite a fun show where I take

everybody on my journey, because it's, you know, it is quite fun and fascinating and there's lots of twists and turns in it and I think there's something to resonate for so many people. So hang on, are you stopping off at theaters and doing OK? Some theaters, some quirky venues. It's a mishmash of spots. And so I do the show and then I do my top 10 tips for self-love, which is everything from how to have an orgasm before you die to showing up for your shit and admitting when you fucked up

and owning that saying sorry and forgive also forgiveness. Yeah. But I also get everybody who comes along to write their own permission slips and to think about what they would do without shame or judgment. What is it you would do? And they vary from, I want to go running in a crop top to, I want to tell my husband I'm gay and I'm leaving him to, I want out from my arranged marriage. They are so powerful because they're a woman's deepest desire.

And when you share those permissions with every, with another woman, you know, there's a ripple effect of freedom that just ripples through. So for the show, I read, I get them to write their permission slips at the interval, and then I read them out and we, and we talk about them. And it's really powerful. So the plan is I roll into town with the bus with

Suzy, I do the show and then I do a clothes swap because I'm really into sustainable fashion and encouraging women to step out of their comfort zone. Fashion's a really good place to start, try something new, wear a brighter color, see what happens, someone might talk to you, you might feel braver, but within an hour everyone's down to their underwear and you know there's just a bunch of women telling each other they look great in something so it's just it's magic. So this is about for you this is about connection and it's about liberation. Yeah my ultimate dream and I'm manifesting it now by putting out there think of like middle-aged brownies but I want to build a squad of Hike Squads all around the country.

So empower a load of leaders to set up their own Hike Squads everywhere. And then, but we're all sort of connected like Brownies. And then we have a big camp once a year and you can wear, you can win badges for like hot flushes and oversharing. That sounds fabulous. I want to be a part of the Hike Squad. Lou, thank you so much for coming in and joining us today. It's been such a pleasure to talk to you and your story is so inspirational. I just think that so many women listening, so many people listening, will just be able to identify with what you're talking about.

And we all need a little bit more, a little bit more Lou in our lives. So thank you. Thank you. Before you go though, Lou, what one piece of advice would you like to leave our listeners with? One piece of advice I would give anyone who asks me is think of your life as a bestselling book. It is chapters, right? And there are good chapters and there are hard chapters and there may be chapters you want to rewrite. Maybe the chapters you don't want, but they all go up to making who you are.

And when you're stuck in a really shitty chapter, just keep writing your pages. Keep turning the pages because that chapter will close and another one will come and it will all go up to make this glorious best-selling book that is you but you need all those chapters that's part of it so don't regret your chapters just turn the page and start a new one and you can just keep going that's it for today but I'll be back next week with a brand new episode of It Can't Just Be Me. But in the meantime, I also want to hear from you, because this Friday you can hear the next episode of It's Not Just You. In these Friday episodes, I'll be joined by different experts each week and will be answering your dilemmas.

So please, if there's something you want to talk about, whether it's big or small, funny or serious, get in touch with us. You can DM me or email us hello at itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk And if you want to see more of the show, remember you can find us on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook. Just search BritCan'tJustBeMe because whatever you're dealing with I promise you it really isn't just you. New Year, new me, season is here and honestly we're already over it. Enter Felix, the healthcare company helping Canadians take a different

approach to weight loss this year. Weight loss is more than just diet and exercise. It can be about tackling genetics, hormones, metabolism. Felix gets it. They connect you with licensed healthcare practitioners online who'll create a personalized treatment plan that pairs your healthy lifestyle with a little help and a little extra support. Start your visit today at felix.ca. That's F-E-L-I-X dot C-A. Where can I get help hiring people with disabilities? There are hundreds of thousands of Canadians with disabilities who are ready to work, and many local organizations are available

to help you find qualified candidates and make your workplace more accessible and inclusive. Visit Canada.ca slash right here to connect with one near you today. A message from the Government of Canada.