It Can't Just Be Me - The Power of Radical Honesty with Lou Sanders

Episode Date: January 22, 2025

Anna's guest this week is the one and only Lou Sanders. Anyone who's seen Lou's live shows, watched her on TV or read her memoir What's That Lady Doing? will know that she doesn't shy away from frankness – it's part of her signature candid style of comedy. But there's a deeper meaning to it as well, as she tells Anna: being honest about difficult situations is how you can get through them. She shares why choosing sobriety was essential, what alternative therapies have brought to her life and why she's starting every morning in the sauna.If you or someone you know is struggling with any of the topics discussed in It Can’t Just Be Me, you can find useful resources and support here: https://audioalways.lnk.to/ItcantjustbemeIG.Every Friday Anna, alongside a panel of experts, will be addressing YOUR dilemmas in our brand new episodes ‘It’s Not Just You'! If you have a dilemma or situation you'd like discussed, reach out to Anna by emailing [e-mail] or DM her on Instagram @itcantjustbemepod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hello, I'm Anna Richardson and welcome to It Can't Just Be Me. If you've listened before, hello. And if you're joining me for the very first time, it's great to have you here. This is the podcast that helps you realise you're not the only one.

It's a safe space where nothing is off limits as we try to help you understand that whatever you might be going through, it's really not just you. So each week I'm joined by a different celebrity guest who'll talk through the challenges and hurdles they faced in their own lives in order to help you with yours. I want to know about it all. The weird, the wonderful, the crazy because these conversations are nothing if not open and honest. So, let's get started. My guest today is a stand-up comedian, writer and actress. She's a queen of the comedy

circuit, having appeared on Live at the Apollo, QI, Would I Lie to You and Taskmaster, which by the way, she won. Very important to say that. She's performed all over the world, as well as having sellout shows in London and the Edinburgh Fringe, where she won the Comedians Choice Award for Best Show. Last year she wrote her memoir What's That Lady Doing which details her painful journey to sobriety and shed some light on the darker moments that lie behind the laughter. Well I'll tell you what that lady's doing she is busy welcome to the pod, Lou Sanders. Thank you for having me as you introduced me I did have a slight small belt.

Oh, did you? Yeah, I'd expect nothing less. I take that as an honour. Well, before we get into more of your bodily functions, tell us what your It Can't Just Be Me dilemma is. Oh, yeah, it's people talking really loudly in shared spaces. Like anything where you've got a shared space, it's like, this is for everyone.

Why are you barking down the phone? That is so obnoxious. There was a, and it's like, it infiltrates into your, you can't think of anything, because they're like, they think they're the most important person in that space, like barking down the phone. Really irritating. Yeah.

So can you think of a particular moment where that's happened? Yeah there was and he was young so fair enough you know like he's got time to learn but I was at the station trying it and I was trying to I was in my head trying to think of some stuff and he's just like yeah yeah yeah so we were out and like this guy punched him and you could tell he was really getting off on his own story like really at the center of his universe like telling someone and really like you know jacking off over the details I just thought can you just go down the end of the platform where no one is or do you know I mean you're drawing everyone into this story and I don't want to hear about

it so what do you think that is about at the moment that everybody? Talk doesn't give a shit about the fact that yeah, there are other people in their space Well, I try not to be on the phone when I'm on a train but the other day I did have to make a series of calls because I was so I had to sort out loads of stuff just Moved house and there's always that so much to sort out and like it was time dependent and everything So I was on the phone and I thought I've just got to do this and so that took over the basic human decency of I shouldn't be on the phone on the train but I will say I had a hushed tone and a very respectful aura. Already I can hear in your voice that you are very quietly spoken anyway. My friend is so loud and I love her but she

was talking to people in my house the other day and she was just in every room just shouting and I thought the hell is wrong why can't you just shout like talk at a normal because then everyone has to stop what they're doing do you know I mean it stops it's stopped because you're like well I can't function with this going around like a train track. So do you think it's a sort of deliberate thing then? Not a subconscious thing on her part that it's like, I'm here so you now all need to hear me?

I think they're just in their own... they don't know. Like, because we're not self-aware. I must do so many things that are annoying that I don't know about and I know about this one because it gets in my way. So we're saying that it can't just be me that hate people that are really loud. Just no self-awareness to their environment

and they're sort of like yeah. I'm with you that it isn't just you, loud people yeah it's unacceptable, it's unacceptable we'll just draw a line under that. Now let's talk more about you because I was intrigued to read that you actually started your career in television and then switched across to comedy which is no easy thing to do at all. So just tell me how you got into TV, the sorts of telly you did, and how you then got your big break.

Well, we were just talking about before we started the podcast, Sharon Samfield, who was sort of like a mutual friend or friend of friends, and she was my boss for a bit. And in my book, I talk about how she had to tell me off to stop pitching ideas with comedians in or cats in and cats and comedians quite often. And she was like, you've got to stop.

So every time I'd pitch, she would, it doesn't have a cat in, does it? Nah. Yeah. So I was, I didn't think I was that good at development, not for actual entertainment. I think that's quite hard. And I didn't watch things. So you were in development. Yeah, it's in development.

And yeah, I was pretty bad at it. and I didn't watch things. So you were in development? Yeah, it's in development and um, yeah I was pretty bad at it. Well, it's gonna go well So for people listening who don't know about this so basically in television development This is the engine room of any production company where there's this team of brilliant people who come up with the ideas Yeah, and then you go and pitch them basically to the broadcasters and hopefully they take it and you then go and make that particular show. To be a good developer is a real skill though. Yes that I didn't have. So you were in TV development, you were pitching ideas that always had a comedian or a cat in. Sometimes both. So how did you then get your break into comedy? Well it wasn't really like here's your

overnight success break it was more like plugging away behind the scenes so I left the BBC slash my contract wasn't renewed it was quite hard to be really creative in the day and then creative at night I think so I thought I'm just gonna get a nine to five so that I can switch off afterwards you know and not watch The Apprentice or whatever I had to watch and go and do gigs and stuff. So then I got 95 as a PA and yeah, I'd say I was better at development than being a PA actually. Total wrong use of skills. I was like, anyone can PA, they can't, it's really hard.

And then yeah, I just sort of did lots of gigs. I sort of, you know, would drive to Wales or whatever, get in at three in the morning get up the next day for seven Okay, so this was a very conscious decision of yours of going. Yeah, I'm leaving television I'm focusing on a nine-to-five job in order that I can achieve my dream and drew Pierce You know drew Pierce does Ironman and everything now He actually offered me a job and I had it was a real Slide indoors moment because he offered me a job doing something on a production and I loved him, I thought he was great

and I loved all the stuff that he did. And he's like, do you want this job? And I'd asked him as well, I was like, have you got any jobs? And he's like, yeah, do you know what? I can get you on this production or whatever. And I was like, great. And then I said no to it because I was like,

if I do that, it's gonna be all consuming and I need to focus on comedy. So I think my self esteem and confidence was shot and I think I do that, it's going to be all consuming and I need to focus on comedy. So I think my self-esteem and confidence was shot and I think I just thought I don't want to embarrass myself in front of him if I'm not very good at my job. Because I always felt like I was so bad at all my jobs. But it is a real sliding doors moment, isn't it, that actually you turned down a big gig in TV then to focus on comedy and here you are now as a very, very successful comedian. Yeah, but it did take a long time. And like I say, my self-esteem was so in tatters focus on comedy and here you are now. It's a very successful comedy.

It did take a long time and like I say my self esteem was so in tatters that I had to build that up as I was doing the comedy sort of thing. Well I'm interested in that because obviously comedy is a notoriously cut through industry. It's very very difficult. It is when I'm in the room babe. Well I've been out with a couple of comedians, so I do know how hard it is. My condolences. It's tough. They're tough to go out with, but also just the industry is so hard.

So paint a picture of the highs and the lows of being a performer when it comes to the comedy circuit. Comedy is a great career to try and work on yourself while you're doing it. So you can't be a slave to your ego. You cannot sort of think I am my self-worth is equated with my jobs kind of thing. That's hard though. Yeah, I know most people do do that. So you have to detach the two, which, you know, it's a great, it's a great learning curve, isn't it?

So you're saying that to be a successful comedian or certainly for you? No I'm not I'm saying to be happy in life the opposite so I'm saying to be happy in life you can't equate your self-worth with what jobs are coming to you. With what you do yeah but then so many comedians do though don't they? But yeah ego is so bound up with that performance. I think people in general, like right, so everyone has an idea of who they are connected to, either who loves them or who they love or what they do or what they drive or what they know. But do you not think there's something about comedy in particular where you are, you're looking for audience approval? So so much stands off, stands off all, doesn't it on, are they laughing with me? Am I funny? Am I good enough for this?

Yeah, and you only, you only feel like you're as good as your last gig and stuff like that so yeah totally but that's why you have to sort of like work through that if you want to be happy as a person which is probably a lifetime's work. Well absolutely but I'm interested in the fact that you're saying I was I was possibly am incredibly insecure never felt that I was good at the jobs that I were doing and yet you chose to go into comedy and you're very successful at it so do you still feel I don't know because I've done so much work around it so I do actually feel so I think that helped me I think I went into that probably I mean he knows what

you do because it's all subconscious in there but like I think that helped me. I think I went into that probably. I mean, he knows what you do because it's all subconscious in there. But like, I think I probably went into that to try and like hoist myself up, you know. And is it still harder, do you think, to be a female comic? Or do you think we now just accept that women are bloody funny and that's it? I think it has changed so much since I was doing it. Like I used to go and do gigs, especially like not in big cities or whatever. And a woman would walk out and people would fold their arms. But I remember, and I think I've told this story before

because it was so, I remember going to Banana Cabaret with my brother and his friends for his birthday. And this wasn't even that long. It was like probably like eight, nine years ago. And it was a Christmas gig, so you get a different crowd. And it was all men on the bill. And then Jen Brista walked out and everyone folded, everyone was like, you could feel the air out of the room because it's a woman and she clocked it, you can't not clock it really and she was like what?

Like she's like it's just because I'm a woman everyone's like and she was so funny that Adlai been at the start about what just happened That everyone was immediately, you know, like oh, she's really really fun Yeah She was like the best one on the bill and then I spoke to my other friends and they they were like Oh, we don't before she went on and we they were like, we don't think women are very funny Like we don't like female comedians, but then she was on and she was the best one and they were like, oh no She was the best one. She was good. So she was good

But it's not but that you can it takes so much to change filters But I do having said all of that I do think it's massively changed I think women enjoy watching women more women want to see themselves represented and absolutely hear about what other women are gonna say it's changed Drastically, I think what is a bit slower is maybe the TV industry because women don't Seem to be given authority so to host a show in comedy it's usually four or five male comedians and then a female presenter no women who's been on the circuit you know and then it's like oh but it's different things like it's why are you getting all

male comedians and then I'll be a stick a couple of women in it's like I don't know but I wonder whether that's just also society as well maybe that was still struggling no I don't think so because like people just respond to what they're given don't they so they just you know it's not it's these people making decisions there's a subconscious bias there where people are like don't want to give women too much of the control. And I hate to be on my little soapbox, but it's like all around the world, like women are sort of not been given the power and I can't work out why, you know? Well, I think it's probably just straightforward sort of millennia of misogyny, surely.

But like, what, what are they get? They don't want to give up the power, maybe, but also maybe they're scared of like, because back in the day, day women used to be quite powerful and I think people are maybe scared of you know like in Afghanistan they're like oh women can't meet other women now in spaces so what why like why are you so scared of us what don't you just get to know us and we can share our power and be friends well let's talk a little bit talking about power and as a powerful woman let's talk a little bit, talking about power and as a powerful woman, let's talk a bit about your book, What's That Lady Doing? Which is brutal. Thank you.

It's an honest account. Yeah, but it's fantastic. It's a brutal, honest account of your life. And also in part of abuse that you talk about. But it's a laugh as well. It is very funny. Obviously, you are a comedian. It's a lighthearted laugh as well. It is very funny. Obviously you are you're a comedian

It is a light-hearted love but it's also masking a lot of the a lot of the pain But it's not masking the pain is out there, but it's like I've processed that So I think you don't get through life without a lot of joy a lot of pain a lot of different things and I don't think Anyone's one thing I think Depends on your lens how you want to look back on your life I've been so lucky in so many ways like so so so lucky, you know And part of that is privilege and you know being white being in a relatively free country to do so Yes, I don't think I've had a worse time than anyone else But I think it's good to talk about the highs and the lows so people's feel less alone

And there's also real real courage in that but I mean we touched a little bit on this before we started recording. I'm in awe of you that you have written this book and still managed to maintain a good relationship with your family in a way because whenever whenever people talk to me about my life because I've got some amazing stories in my life that I absolutely cannot reveal until my until my parents possibly have passed away and God knows I don't want that to be for a long long time. Could you kill them when you've done the first draft?

Exactly show them the first draft. It might bump them off the two best ones don't. Precisely but how did you manage to keep an equitable relationship with your with your family? I don't, my step-mom hates me from the book. She hasn't even read it, and nor has my dad. But then I thought, well. Do you know why? Do you know why they haven't read it?

Because there was something about my dad on the sleeve, and she was like, how dare you? But it's like, if you knew the stuff that, I didn't put half of it in, you know, but it's like, if you knew the stuff that like, I didn't put half of it in and my dad was like, was easier when I started out because he died. But actually that was like a story of redemption and love and forgiveness. And I think that was quite beautiful

me and my stepdad's kind of journey. But my dad, yeah, it's like, well, I don't know, you get back what you put in which is true which way to agree I think I was quite protective about him and I really highlighted his good points and I put a couple of things in like bigamy because I think bigamy is so funny and so old-fashioned like to commit bigamy is pretty funny and so put a couple of things in I said to my dad you're lucky the stuff I didn't put in so your dad's's pissed off? He was, I don't know he was, I don't know if he is now,

he's not even read it but my step-mom is pissed off but she was pissed off I didn't invite her to my 40th because Alan Davies was there so he can't win can he? So how have you managed to navigate those family relationships then in terms of the book coming out? Like Fern Brady's written about her family really honestly and they still talk to her and it is just one person's opinion if they want to write a book about me then fine but I think I handled it very generously and with love and I tried to really put myself in their shoes and empathize with them and I really told the story from what was going on with them as well. Like, you know, that with my stepdad, he was a brute to us

but he was autistic, undiagnosed, he was, you know, all his salary was going towards two kids he did not fundamentally understand who were quite loud and whatever. And so it wasn't easy for him and actually the fact that we worked our relationship and closer when we're older is sort of like, I think more special than, you know, I'm writing this book so other people can have peace and relate to it.

And I've got so many messages from other people saying, thank you for writing it's helped them with drinking or it's helped them release shame or, you know, and that is more important than someone's ego over what they think I should. And they weren't even there. It's like, fuck off. You didn't have my upbringing. Don't then point at me and say like you need to talk about my dad in a certain way no I don't. So do you hope that maybe you can reach a point of the pair of you that you and particularly your step

member the sounds of it can reach a point of forgiveness or understanding of each other? I would love to but I think sometimes in families There's a dynamic that goes on that is over and above you and beyond you So like sometimes people want you to be the villain so they don't have to do work in their relationship You know, it's absolutely true and it's like well, then I'll be the outcast I wasn't getting a lot from it. Anyway, like I was bending over backwards via people pleaser Do you know what fuck it like you get on with your life. I'll get on with mine. It doesn't like I can't make you happy.

This is it. I mean, you get ascribed a role, don't you? With it within families and particularly within the dynamics of a family that can be very difficult. And you're right that if you are trying your hardest to meet that person and they're not prepared to meet you halfway, then there comes a point where it's so painful that you have to draw that boundary. And it sounds as though that's what you've done. I want to just have joy and just have a laugh and just have a nice time. And it's like, I don't want to get involved in your dynamics. Like, I'm a growing adult, you're a growing adult. You know, you go do your thing, I'll do mine.

It's like, because, well, there's this book called The Dance of Anger, and it talks about how in a family, sometimes like, there was an example with this kid, and the dad was quite mean and tough with him, and the mom was very forgiving and very allowing. And if one of them had to come into the middle, the other one would have, do you see what I mean? And so it's all balanced on a precarious thing, and then once you sort that out, you realize,

oh, it's actually because you're actually bringing this up for this conflict because you don't want to look at something else. You know, so so complicated and actually the older I get, the more I think, I just want to be around people that genuinely like me and don't want me to be the the asshole in the situation. Yeah, absolutely. And I can completely identify with that

and understand that. You talk about your low self-esteem. Can you remember when that started for you? I think just since I was, yeah, since I was a kid. I mean, yeah, I can't imagine. I can't remember a time when I had high self-esteem when I was, I'm talking about in my younger life. I think now it's quite good, actually.

Again, you've reached a position as an adult woman where you've gone, actually, I'm talking about in my younger life. I think now it's quite good, actually. Again, you've reached a position as an adult woman where you've gone, actually, I'm no longer prepared to put up with this role that I keep being placed into. You always think, like, oh, it must be me. Like, it must be me. Like, you always feel like the kids, because they're older than you are, and you're like, oh, I must have done something wrong.

And it's like, no, actually. I put up with a load of shit, and then I said enough. I'll put some of it in a book In case nobody's told you weight loss goes beyond the old just eat less and move more narrative And that's where Felix comes in Felix is redefining weight loss for Canadians with a smarter more Personalized approach to help you crush your health goals this year. Losing weight is about more than diet and exercise. It can also be about our genetics, hormones, metabolism. Felix connects you with online licensed health care practitioners who understand that everybody is different and compare your healthy lifestyle with the right support to reach your goals. Start your visit today at felix.ca. That's F-E-L-I-X dot C-A.

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outages occur. Guarantee requires played by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded or 11 p.m. Eastern. Research and supplies seen full terms at canada.casino.fandio.com. Please play responsibly. Talk to me about being sober. Can you share a little bit more about when alcohol became chaotic for you and then you decided to just stop the chaos? Oh yeah, I just loved that warm feeling of alcohol going down your throat, like more this sort of medicine of it all. But yeah, I think I was pissed at from quite early on and then there were so many occasions where I was like, everyone said like, oh, you drink in a different way. And I get really angry because it was true. So I'd be like, what? Like, I'm not

alcoholic, I'm too young to be an alcoholic. When did you start drinking? First little go when I was like 11 or something, I think, at my friend's house. And then when I was 13, I'd sometimes go to clubs and stuff because it was back in the day where you could just shove on some colottes and then dance to Calling Mr. Raider. Was that the song? Calling Mr. Raider. Oh, Mr. Raider. So I was always, I was always that way inclined and then I gave up loads and loads of times and then always went back to it and then yeah the last time I was just like I can't do it

anymore and I love it I love being sober. So tell me about the last time so when when you when you decided I can't do this anymore how long ago was that? I don't really know dates but it was probably like 12 years ago something say ages ago and I went to a snow I was booked to do a snowboarding gig which I was so happy about because snowboarding the day gig in the evening and it was last year I was so happy yeah really good and I ruined it all by getting pissed and I was so obstreperous and then it was I think I was heckling one Yeah, really good and I ruined it all by getting pissed and I was so obstreperous. And then it was like, I think I was heckling

one of the other acts, like really pig ignorant stuff. Okay, so it's like, I am really wasted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Went home with this awful guy, like started arguing with Andrew Maxwell and his wife, like they organized the event as well. I was like, don't pick on your boss. Just really bile.

And then I think I went back a day early in a cloud of shame and then didn't get paid for the gig. Really? Yeah, they were like, I did actually try and invoice them and they were like, are you kidding me? I mean, this is really interesting, Lou. So it's kind of like you quite deliberately got pissed and then became...

Well it wasn't deliberately, it was more like it was high altitude as well, so you just get it down and you're like, well I hadn't eaten my dinner before I was drinking all this wine. But yeah, I don't miss drinking at all. I love not drinking, I love it. Okay, so I'm just going to dig down a little bit more into this. Do you drink? I do, I do. Because you've got such lovely skin, I can't. I do drink, I do drink.

And often I say to myself that I want to give up actually. Yeah. Because I can identify with the, it gives you that relaxed feeling, then you can get sometimes if you drink an awful lot, then you behave badly. So I'm sort of conscious of what you're talking about. But I'm interested in the fact that you went high altitude or not

you went too far with this particular professional gig as well and Did you end up having to apologize to those people? So I was mortified. I mean But I would always do that. I had a self-destruct button. Yeah, I would and why though? Why did you something in you isn something in you, isn't it, that just wants to like burst out. It's like, I don't have that anymore. And I used to like wanna say the thing that you shouldn't say to people and stuff like that.

Like just like rock the boat and upset people. And that like, you know, it's awful. Like I don't know. So it's giving you permission to say the things that you're not allowed to say. Yeah. Do you think it was a way of bringing attention onto yourself? Yeah, maybe. I don't know why I did it. It was like, Oh God, it was awful. Just this like self-destruct thing. And then, Oh, it was just like, I just say awful things to people. And like, God, it feels like

a whole world away. But creating that drama and that chaos is also a way of look at me look at me look at me and I want to express myself in whatever or you know get that rage and that pain out as well. So after that you decided I can't do this anymore. I wanted a career and I thought I can't have a career and drink like this and so it was quite easy at that point. I mean I had so many times in my life and be like, that's it That's it but this one it really was it because it was really like you like I know again, I'm still barred from that gig that 12 years On and I love snowboarding so much and it's like oh

They stay at a really nice place and you have like it's like I'm still barred even though I I'm on good terms with everyone again now and I have really said sorry I'm still barred even though I'm on good terms with everyone again now and I have really said sorry. But you just can't act like an asshole and have a career. Did you do AA? Yeah, I did that. I didn't do it, I did all the steps. And then I don't really go now

because I don't really feel, I mean, I know people say, oh, you could go at any time and everything. And I feel like I've got my own practice and I feel like, sorry, I got my own practice. So talk to me about what that practice is. Well, I'm getting back into my morning thing where I so I do medit, well, I don't and I'm going to. I've written it down on my phone on the way here actually. Morning pages first, not allowed to look at your phone.

Then meditation for 10 minutes. I'm getting a sauna because I live in the regions. And then I'll be doing my gratitude in the sauna, because I live in the regions. And then I'll be doing my gratitude in the sauna. So basically you have to get up an hour, like to an hour and a half before you need to go. For this discipline. So this is my daily discipline of what keeps me well and happy.

Well, I don't, I did it for three days. I did this morning, I read a book called Morning Miracles and they're like, this changes your life, this changes your life. And then I was like, oh my God, it really does. And I did it for three days and book called morning miracles and they're like this change of life this change in life and then I was like oh my god it really does and I did it for three days I felt like a new person but I was doing Dancing on Ice at the time and so I had to get up at four in the morning sometimes sometimes five and I was like well I can't get up at three in the morning to do my morning miracles but for those three days I was and I was telling everyone like this book's changed my life and then I dropped it off after three days. So going back to AA and sobriety,

so you completed the steps, you apologized to the people you needed to apologize to, you were able to let go and give yourself up to a higher power, and you've stayed sober for, we think, at least a decade. About 12 years. About 12 years, and you've now got your own routine of staying contented.

Yeah I mean yeah I have yeah. Talk to me about the therapy journey that you've done because I've read as well where you talk about healers. Yes I love a healer. I love a healer so I know a couple of really really good ones but tell me what you've done in terms of that therapeutic process. Yeah just all that stuff like go see see a healer. It's so nice to go and see a healer because you don't even have to do the work they just clear stuff for you. How am I going to clear my past lives please? So yeah I do love a healer. I've tried to cut back though. Why? Because otherwise you're outsourcing aren't you? It's like you know you can't just. So you've still got to do the work. You still you can't be like oh I'm a bit blue and then go see a healer. It's like come on mate like sort yourself out as well. So I have cut back a bit. I did

get my cat to see a healer. Your cat? You actually got a healer after you had it. Did you take the cat to the healer? No no no I got the healer to come round to a cat and then one was online or you know yeah because energy was. Did it work? Well the cat did have his paw amputated yesterday so no. Okay. But then maybe the other healer was like maybe the cat just wants to be with three paws. I was like, okay. But all of them were like try and save the paw and I did everything I could to try and save the paw and it just wasn't happening. So, so then it was like paw off, but I think he's happy. But then I will get some healing because it's a bit of a shock for him. I suppose. Oh, yeah and for you So you consult healers for yourself and my cat and your cat obviously and You've done by the sounds of things quite a bit of therapy as well. I hate therapy

Because I had read that you've done EMDR. Oh, I do like EMDR. Yeah, I know sorry. I don't hate all therapy I loved the woman who did EMDR, and I once had a therapist, only for like six or eight weeks when I was like 26, 27, she was amazing. She's probably dead now, because she was very old. And she was phenomenal, and she was like, talk to your body, ask your body.

I was like, wow, she wacky, but now, of course, everyone's doing that. My last healer was an absolute clown. Look at the healer was. No, no, the therapist. Therapist, yeah. Talking therapist. I think she should be struck off, but I can't even find her credentials.

So maybe I just. Maybe she has been struck off. Maybe maybe I went to someone. Yeah. And she's pitches herself as all spiritual and everything. And she is dark. Well, this is a thing. There was a lot in the papers this weekend about the fact that therapy is an unregulated profession

So anybody can call themselves a therapist. So it sounds as though perhaps you went to see yeah one of those people Yeah, I mean clearly you should be accredited. There are you know, there's the UK CP There's a BACP, but it is not a regulated industry when it's all like spiritual as well Yes, and when people say things that heart led you think oh they must be all right because there's a BACP, but it is not a regulated industry. And when it's all like spiritual as well, when people say things like heart led, you think, oh, they must be all right because they're using all this language and she was an absolute clown.

Well, perhaps it is an industry then that is open to abuse. And that's something that you call out a lot. And it's one of the things I'm very impressed with about you is that you're not afraid to call it out. You've outed Russell Brand on stage. You've talked about abuse within the TV industry. You've talked about your own labia on stage as well.

You call things out. Exactly. Where does your courage come from? I don't think I'm that courageous. Oh, that is courageous, Lou. I don't think I think it's just like, I just think, oh we should be talking about that and then, yeah so loads of people talk about like that stuff I think, yeah. Do you think so? Yeah I think so.

I think, I would say that takes a very strong person and a courageous person to A. out Russell Brand, B. abuse within our industry, the television industry, that takes real guts to say this is not acceptable. That is courage. So can you identify where were you always like that when you were younger? No, I don't I don't think so you've become like that. Do you think? I don't know. I just I wanted to talk about a big labia because I'm worried about labiaplasties and all the, well you'll know from your show. I have seen more labia, really, more labia than the average guy needs.

Yeah, I mean no shade if anyone wants to get a labiaplasty, my friend had one. I just thought when young girls feel that disassociation with their body and like, oh God, I've got to change all this stuff, like it's very stressful. So I just thought, well, maybe they'll want someone sort of, you know, a counter argument.

Yeah. So for you, something comes into your head and you go, actually, I need to talk about this. And we're just sort of thinking, why aren't more people talking about this? And then, and also it's funny, talking about labias is funny. Tell me about it, I do do negative traction obviously I love it.

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Welcome back to It Can't Just Be Me and I'm here with Lou Sanders and it's time for my little box of truth, the moment when celebs start to become just a little bit jingly jangly nervous, although I've got a feeling you're going to be absolutely fine with this Lou. So in front of you you've got a pack of cards containing random personal questions, pick them up, all you have to do is shuffle through, pick one and give an honest answer. I have had one refusal. Really? Oh yeah but I've got a feeling that you're somebody that's gonna answer. Well I could refuse. Who or what might have stopped you from releasing your full potential? Myself is always yourself, isn't it? You can't blame anyone else for holding you back.

Well, okay, I mean, who or what has held you back from achieving your full potential? When you say yourself, yes, but we are molded by our environment, we're molded by our childhood. But that now is our job to escape that, that's the like, that's the work. That's the work. That's the work. I think we choose our parents when we're little souls. Go on, tell me more about it.

So you can't really be bitter because you probably chose them for the lessons you need. So what were the lessons that you needed? Oh well just to build my own self-esteem and forgiveness and trying not to judge although I do really try not to judge because I've got such a weird family that you sort of, you know, to be trying to be more empathetic to people, you know, less judgmental, but I still need to work on that. I should be able to think bigger. I remember once when I was a PA actually before I was when I didn't have a job and I was like, right, I'm going to get a PA job for 35 grand a year. and this was going back. So 35 grand was massive at the time, especially to me.

I was like, well, if I could get, I don't know where it came from, my confidence with this, because I didn't really have much PA experience either. And the recruitment companies were like, no, you can't get a job, I'll be very surprised you got, and I was like, I'm getting a job for 35 grand, and I just like called it, and I was just like, right, that's what I'm calling in.

And I did, I got an executive PA job for 35 grand and I just like called it and I was like right that's what I'm calling in and I did I got an executive PA job for 35 grand I was like fucking hell this stuff works but then you don't you forget to do it don't you. So what we're talking about there is is you're saying actually I set my intention and you know you can call it a number of different things you manifested that or you took action to bring that in. Yeah and I was like right and that's just what I'm getting. But it was that resolute feeling of just like, nope, that's what I'm having. And I did it, but it was an executive PA role and I was not really that way in

kind. So it was quite stressful. So you think that we hold ourselves back and actually you've got to do the work in order to set your intention on what it is you want. Yeah. And you can achieve that. It's like you have to believe it's possible. So it's all in the energy of like thinking, yeah, I'll attract that in. And often I sit there worrying about stuff where I think, oh no, I probably won't get that or I probably don't deserve that.

I'm probably not good enough for that. I still do that a little bit. So you sound like you're quite a spiritual person, Lou, actually. Guilty as charged. OK, so now I'm starting to understand you a little bit better because when we've talked about doing the work I assumed that you were doing a lot of therapy I know that you've done the EMDR for trauma but I assumed you're doing a lot of talking therapy but actually it sounds as though you are on more of a transpersonal plane where

you're more interested in this sort of spiritual side of things and the healing side of things. Yeah I don't really like the talking stuff because then you're... I think there's a victim culture and I think that we're all the most important person in our story and we'd be like oh well they didn't do this and they didn't do that and it's like go over it love because otherwise you're just reliving that thing and like I don't... also I know loads of people in therapy that are mad and they they're like, well, I've been in therapy for five years. And I'm like, well, you must change your therapist or stop

because they're just the therapist isn't saying you've got a complex narcissist personality disorder or whatever. You know, I can understand that. I think there's plenty of people in therapy who just keep going week after week or year after year and nothing seems to be changing. Yeah. So you're saying that actually you've taken a different route, whether that is working with healers or you know, working in an energetic way that you're saying I've worked on myself. I take responsibility for myself and changing my life. But now I just want to live life. I don't want to do any of that stuff. I want to just get out there and just live it and not even,

I want to really reduce my, well I have actually. I haven't had a healing session in ages. But when you say I want to get out there and live life, what does that look like for you? Like be in it, like just be, you know, not like think about stuff, not analyze stuff, not just, you know, yeah, just get in my sauna. So what is next for you then?

I'm going on tour 2025. Yes. How long for? In the regions. What do you say the regions? I live in the regions. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. I think it's like 40 tour dates or something. Oh my God. 40. Four zero tour dates. I don't know. Something like that. I think we're adding some yeah. That is huge. So you've got a massive tour coming. What is the show about? It is about aging joyfully because I realized I'm sort of halfway through my life and then I

noticed myself getting more sort of moany and grumbling I thought we can't have this and also my best friend was talking about air fryers for 40 minutes I thought we cut like I've got to live my life. There's not much time left I can't be speaking about air fries for 40 minutes. I hear you with the air fries thing And it's like and also she's very keen on details and planning everything I'm like let life unfold a bit and so I just want to Age joyfully. So yes, I've got two trampolines two trampolines? One for me, one for a friend you never know. Oh okay okay. One if I might

drop by and then yeah I just I just want to like squeeze the joy of life so I was about that really because we spend so long on the visual side of stuff but not enough time thinking about how we train our thinking so we can have like gratitude and joy and all that absolutely I mean particularly at the moment with life feels really hard and it feels really divisive and there's a lot of anger out there then we don't focus on that focus on all the joy but this is it so you're saying I want to focus on joy and I want to age joyfully yeah this is a joyful tour yeah and it's

what you look at isn't it it It's like we can all look at You can walk in a room and look at a lovely picture you like or you can look at a bit of mold in the corner. It's like what are you focusing on? So focus on the positive focus on the things that are going to bring you some laughter and joy. Yeah, love that. I'll see you there. See you there. Lou, thank you very much indeed for joining us today. Thank you for being so honest and so open and so frank. You seem like the kind of person who'd have a lot of brilliant advice to give for our listeners. So what one piece of advice could you leave us with? When it comes to my tour show.

Other than come and see me, come and see me gig. Come to my tour show, get rid of the resentment. However, whatever it takes, do you get rid of that burning resentment? And it does take a lot. How do we do that? Well, the step four in AA, I think it's step four, geez. It's, yeah, there's all different ways. Look it up on the internet

because there's so many different ways. You can do it batch flower remedies. You can meditate on it. You can put yourself in their shoes. You can write a letter. But basically the resentment is just a waste of energy. Yeah. I love that. I love that.

Thank you. That's it for today, but I'll be back next week with a brand new episode of It Can't Just Be Me. But in the meantime I also want to hear from you because this Friday you can hear the next episode of It's Not Just You. In these Friday episodes I'll be joined by different experts each week and we'll be answering your dilemmas. So please if there's something you want to talk about whether it's people small, funny or serious, get in touch with us.

You can DM me or email us hello at itcan'tjustbeme.co.uk. And if you want to see more of the show, remember you can find us on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook. Just search BritCan'tJustBeMe because whatever you're dealing with, I promise you, it really isn't just you. personalized approach to help you crush your health goals is here. Losing weight is about more than diet and exercise. It can also be about our genetics, hormones, metabolism. Felix connects you with online licensed health care practitioners who understand that everybody is different and compare your healthy lifestyle with the right support to reach your goals.

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