It Could Happen Here - A List of Bad Things The Queen Did (Before Dying)

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

Queen Dead! The gang goes over a list of bad things the Queen did (when she was still alive) & why the royal family is not very good.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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and that's a song that only Nuestra Gente can sprinkle. Listen to Gracias Come Again on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Who's dying today? It's the queen. It's the queen.

Well, correction. She's not dying. She's dead. That lady's dead. That lady's dead. Yeah. Very sad, obviously. Yeah. Very sad. Grieving podcast today. dying she's she's dead that lady's dead yeah uh very sad obviously um yeah very sad grieving podcast today uh brought to you by it could happen here it's all of us it's me it's gare

it's chris it's robert and it's the ghost of the queen we're talking about the queen she's dead what's up with that yeah she's real dead um I haven't seen, you know what I haven't seen that I'm disappointed of is a new version of the Monty Python dead parrot sketch involving her corpse and its fancy casket. There's still time. There's still time. We can change that.

Now, my question is, James, is that legal in the UK now? Absolutely not. No, you will get so arrested. Not even arrested. This is the worst part. People have just like, I don't understand what the fuck is wrong with people, but they have become volunteer cops

to like defend a guy who's been credibly accused of pedophilia. I'm disappointed in us. Do not be policing your fellow people for exercising some of the very few rights that the conservative well the conservative party has taken away from them actually but uh yeah you've only let yourself down i'm disappointed yeah they they uh really really hating anyone who is not thrilled about the monarchy yeah they're arresting people for having not my king signs

uh i see that jedward is taking it to the fascist state which is great to see but so we're going to be talking about the queen uh or former former queen um i i do want to do want to note that uh you know the day the queen died a big wave of condolences came in, including from Domino's Pizza UK. Wow. Which, if you don't understand, the Queen had a very deep relationship with Domino's, so this does mean a lot. They were lovers.

Among those who posted their condolences was Hamilton West End. The RMT, which is like the British Railway Union stopped their strike which I think is the most pissant coward thing I've ever seen a union do British Cycling suggested that people not go out for a bike ride during the time of the

Queen's funeral Are you fucking serious My god They're literally closing 96 deal with their closing food i think the funniest one was les miserables posted everyone is deeply saddened by the passing of her majesty the queen and we offer our sincere condolences to the royal family we joined together with the people of the united kingdom and all around the world and mourning her loss which they then which they then deleted an hour later if there's one thing that mizorab is about it's about people all over the world mourning the loss of monarchy it's the main thing about it um so yeah most of on twitter was

definitely was definitely split between these companies posting how they're so sad. But also a lot of people pretty thrilled that the queen died. Because it's kind of funny. Because we were all shocked by the 96-year-old woman who died of natural causes. She was so young. I know. Yeah. Look, look.

It's amazing. She was at an age that if you reversed her age and told me she had died, I still wouldn't have been surprised. Like she was at an age where like, even if you flip the numbers, she's still old. Yes, she's still old. Yeah.

It is great to see the Telegraph today running a headline, five mile queue to view Elizabeth II's coffin will see horrible stories of suffering. What? This is a country where people will not be able to heat their homes this winter. It's a country we've seen an explosion in food insecurity, and this is what we're doing. It's like the British, like, okay, so the crown did not call directly for a blood sacrifice.

The British people are just bound and determined to have people die. They are lining up in the streets to sacrifice themselves for the dead queen. It is a magical thing. Don't do us all that way. There's some people showing up with Not My King signs and getting assaulted by mobs of monikers. And for the record, people not just police like regular ass people yeah yeah most people are not that concerned most people are not like it's just like the turfs in britain there are like a small minority of people who do nothing but tweet and

write for the guardian who misrepresent the opinions of most british people who are not that concerned but like a lot of these british people do show up in person and like shut down like yes it's certainly it is not it is not the case that like there isn't widespread support for this kind of shit it's just that it's it's not uniform yeah that's the people who do speak the people who do speak up also tend to get arrested which is like it's sort of amazing it's like okay britain got industrial capitalism before like any other country on earth right the bourgeoisie has one job one job their one job is to destroy feudalism and they could even the british couldn't do it they had they had the largest head start of any country on earth and they couldn't do it it's incredible

it's miraculous they were co-opted into these feudal elites through things like the Great Reform Acts, which used property as a proxy for land or capital as a proxy for land. And it's worked remarkably well. And now we just do false consciousness shit like this. Like, how good is your false consciousness game when people who can't heat their homes

are sleeping on the street to say goodbye to presumably a billionaire who never cared about them yeah it's like miraculous yeah who absolutely who was not equipped emotionally to have ever cared about them who's like soul would never have allowed her to care about them yeah i mean let's let's like you know as as lots of people were romanticizing the, the monarchy and the queen and doing their like performative mornings, uh, obviously there was a wave of other people being like, Hey, you know, the Royal family is kind of, kind of fucked up.

Uh, you know, they've stolen billions of dollars in jewels from countries like India and, and across South Africa. Um, they're continuing to benefit from Britain's history of colonialism. Earlier this year, during the Queen's Jubilee celebration, an old Kenyan revolutionary fighter used the occasion to call

for an explanation from the Queen for why she hasn't been compensated after being tortured with axes by british troops people should look at the way britain treated the oh my god we're gonna be tough i have stuff on this i have stuff on this later for this episode actually we're gonna be talking about that let's go a 2017 estimate found that the royal family is estimated to be worth 88 billion dollars um yeah and a lot of that's obviously not in straight up cash which is one of the ways like people are talking about oh charles inherited half a billion no charles inherited tens of billions of dollars yes like they own a

lot of land yes they own a huge amount of land um charles has his own real estate empire that he created while he was waiting for his mom to fucking croak. And they also have a fortune, a really actually uncountable. You have to think about their wealth like the Vatican. There's no actual way. It's functionally limitless money because so much of what they own is like priceless antiquities many of which were stolen from other people yeah and it's hard to put a tangible number on their sort of their value and their sort of whatever you want to call it a celebrity status yeah yes yeah what is that fucking diamond in the goddamn crown worth right like there's no real way to appraise that yeah

well and i want to point this out like if they tried to sell the diamond almost certainly what would happen is like the british people would give her $3 billion and they'd give her the diamond back. Yeah, they'd crowdfund it. Yeah, they'd stop doing the subsidies for heating that they've just started doing and buy the diamond back. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about the heating thing briefly

because I think an anchor on BBC was discussing how news of the Queen's passing basically interrupted all other news in the UK, including statements being given on the 80% price increase in energy bills and the rising cost of living. Stating that those topics, the topics of cost of living and the rising energy bills was, quote, insignificant now due to the gravity of this

situation um we can we can insert this clip here i have i have it saved for danil because it just it's wild doctors in scotland were concerned about the queen's health coming um as this trust was making a rather important statement concerning um the future of energy bills. That, of course, insignificant now, given the gravity of the situation we seem to be experiencing with Her Majesty. An old lady died. She was not a very nice old lady. I've known old ladies who were nice that died,

and I was sad. I've known old ladies who were not nice that died, and I didn't really care. In any case, it's not a big deal because old people like that's what human beings do when they reach 96 is they die a lot of the time and it's it's okay like it's okay queen outside of everything about her it's fine queen elizabeth was the longest reigning monarch in the history of Britain. Yeah, probably close to the longest. And like maybe Ramses the fucking second is up there.

Like 69 years. You don't run into a lot of competition in terms of length of reign. 70 years. 70 years. She ascended the throne in 1952. Yeah. It's worth noting that a lot of old ladies are going to die in Britain this winter because of this energy pricing and no one will care

And it's also worth noting that the Queen tried to use a bunch of state poverty money that was earmarked for schools, hospitals and low income families to pay Buckingham Palace's heating bill Oh wow, huh That's wild Well you wouldn't want an old woman like that

to be out in the rain. Ah, talking about out in the rain. Because I believe the Crown Estates, and I'll have to check this real quickly, I believe the Crown Estates did evict people during the COVID-19 pandemic, talking of old folks being kicked out into the rain. Woo!

Wow! And for around two weeks after the Queen's death, basically all of Britain kind of grinds to a halt. Which, which, which would, I mean, honestly, one of the base parts about this is that this does potentially cost the UK economy billions of dollars because they just shut down for two weeks. So this is like the equivalent of the boat getting stuck in the canal. It's just the queen dying.

I do want to, I do want to make a quick note for everybody. The longest reigning verifiable monarch, according to this Wikipedia page that I just skimmed is Sobhuza the second of Swaziland, which was a British protectorate until 1968. He reigned from 1899 to August of 1982. Whoa. 82 years. So you know what, Elizabeth, reigned from 1899 to August of 1982. Whoa!

82 years. So, you know what, Elizabeth? Not that impressive. I am a Sobouza II Stan now. Absolute Chad shit. The fact that he just snuffed it before he got to see apartheid end, very sad. That is a bummer.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, just looking at some of the evictions the crown estates have done over the years you can look those up it's pretty heartbreaking shit and well luckily uh the queen actually did not die in buckingham palace she died in a castle in in in scotland that's great because buckingham Palace is a hideous monument of trash like it's fucking the castle she died in looks pretty cool but yeah no a lot of the one thing that is yeah nice one thing you're supposed to get with a monarchy is like really rad looking castles it is like neat the castles are cool except for Buckingham Palace which looks like fucking tenements yeah so Buckingham

Palace is a building that dares you to go steal back all of the wealth that they stole from you to build it. So the plan for if the queen died in this Scottish castle was called Operation Unicorn, which is wild. No one can guess. What is the unicorn?

A 96-year-old woman dying is not a unicorn situation operation squirrel or something how how is this giving a couple their third i don't get it i i know um so the the the the plan for this type of thing is so the queen died on last thursday afternoon it was announced the friday following friday morning after the queen dies uh they call operation unicorn they then call they send like emergency alerts to all the british leaders um you know the the new prime minister who is incredibly funny um and you know all of all these people are notified and then press press gets notified uh that next morning as as as they did so staff members in the castles and palaces all got sent home um all parliamentary business gets postponed uh everything

everything shuts down uh which means all of the stuff they were working on on energy bills gets shut down like they were working on trying to figure out what the fuck they're going to do for this 80 cost increase all that gets shut down until late september um so that's that's cool um but no this is actually kind of a unique thing because because of how long elizabeth reigned the last death of a monarch was in the 50s. So it's been a while since this has happened, so everyone's kind of rusty. We aren't as prepared for this.

It's okay. My hope is that we get a couple of... People get a lot of experience with dead British monarchs in the next decade. I'm hoping we get a bunch. Because King Charles III, I don't think will be around for too long. Yeah, I've seen that man's hands and it's

poof. And I mean, here's the thing, every time a monarch dies, it's like a top-down rolling general strike. So if we get enough of them in a row, we can start doing serious damage to British capital. By the way, quick note about the Chad Sobouza II of Swaziland.

Died with a thousand grandchildren. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Jesus. Wow. Man. And always pictured shirtless. Elizabeth cannot compete.

No, I'm fine with that not being the case, actually. I don't want to see any controversy. Yeah. And he probably wasn't racist to any of their partners. No, I'm fine with that not being the case, actually. I don't want to see any controversy from there. Yeah, and he probably wasn't racist to any of their partners. No, actually. We can say about the royal family. Here's a neat thing. He took control of all Swazi land and mineral rights from non-Swazi interests that had gained control during colonialism

and indigenized all of that, which is dope. So there you go. Subusa the motherfucking second. Yeah, that's what we call a god king. I have to go and get injected with a small dose of a disease. Cut everything but injected in that, Chris. Hey, Daniel's back. So let's take an ad break,

and we'll be back to learn more about the queen. You know what else will give you a small dose of a disease? That's right. That's right. Yes, these products and services. Yeah, I was going to learn more about the queen. You know what else will give you a small dose of a disease? That's right. That's right. Yes. These products and services. Yeah. I was going to say the queen of England,

but the queen. Yeah. True. Isn't it? Yeah. Welcome. I'm Danny. Won't you join me at the fire and dare enter.

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Join me for Gracias Come Again, a podcast by Honey German, where we get into todo lo actual y viral. Listen to Gracias Come Again on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back so yeah been a while since um uh since a monarch died last time this happened in the 50s uh mourners wore black armbands to show respect for king george that's the one who was like a big fan of Nazis, right? I don't think we're going to see. So I don't think that tradition is going to continue.

I doubt we're going to see a wave of black-armed vans. No. If anyone was going to do it, it would probably be the Anglos. Yeah, I suppose so. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was Edward VIII who abdicated and then was replaced by the guy who you were talking about. Okay, that's the guy who liked Nazis, Edward VIII.

So all the UK flags are going to be flown at half-mast until the day of the funeral. And then the day of the funeral is going to be a bank holiday as well. So that's pretty exciting. That's great. I hope that the poor get to eat sweetmeats or something provided by the crown. No, no, no. Again, they're just closing down.

Almost all businesses in the UK will close. The stock exchange is going to close. Following Princess Diana's death in the late 90s uh britain business owners in britain quote felt that they were quote uh forced to close their shops or cancel sporting sporting events the day of the funeral lest they feel the rage of the tear-stained hordes outside unquote yeah that's an incredible that is an incredibly funny way to talk about monarchists though like thank you thank thank you the guardian for that amazing quote it's unbelievable i mean and at least with diana it was actually sad like she was a nice person who

was badly treated in her life by the royal family and died tragically and young as opposed to somebody who got everything they want from the day they were born and died at 96. So then currently they are assembling the quote Ascension council, uh, to formally declare, uh, Prince Charles,

uh, the King, which he's, he's already known as King Charles, but you know, there's the whole separate formal process. Yeah. Cause he could pick another name still. He says

he's not. Oh, he's confirmed that. Good, because King's Charles have a good history in the UK. They don't often get executed. So the council will make the proclamation of ascension to be read on

proclamation day, which will be soon after the death. And that'll be somewhere in London. How do they still have all this shit? There's so many weird rituals that they still do. Both houses of parliament are suspended until after the official state funeral. And all politicians have to swear new allegiance

to the newly ascended monarch. This is really, like, genuinely the world's most pathetic ruling class. Like, oh my God. Jesus Christ. It's pretty funny. You are the bourgeoisie. You have one job.

Well, but also, like, back in the day before we had monarchs and capitalism whenever you know you had a new coronation whenever there was something big that happened with the monarchy the thing they would do is make sure everybody had a shitload of food and nice stuff the king would give it away it's all over the world cultures would do this yeah it's what you do when you come to power because they were at least that scared of the people where it's like all right i gotta like do something to ring in this rain good so they don't start to wonder why do we have a king now so i'm gonna give them a bunch of fucking food and then they'll be like oh the king he's the guy who gives

us food every now and then that's dope it's amazing now that in the uk it's just like all right we've got a new monarch and the old one died so you guys a lot of you don't get to eat for a while so king charlie uh 73 is the oldest person in british history to become king uh which is i think a great sign very unso boozy the second of him and then we're also getting a new queen, technically. Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, which again, all this sounds made up, is now the queen consort.

So that's exciting. That's thrilling. I'm thrilled for Queen Camilla. It is the Duchess of Cornwall? Are you kidding me? Uh-huh. So, and Queen Elizabeth's coffin is being prepared to lie in state,

meaning it'll be presented for the public to view so they can cry on the coffin, which is pretty cool. Oh, or cry near the coffin. They don't want the poor to get too close. Oh, God. They don't want the pores to get too close. Oh, God. Meanwhile, Sobuza II turned Swaziland into a major asbestos exporter,

which Queen Elizabeth also never did. So when the queen dies, do they like preserve her in formaldehyde or whatever? Yeah, they've got some fancy embalming and shit. They have some fancy ass shit. They were probably embalming her while she was alive yeah just as her limbs stopped working squirting some in the queen's body will lie in state until the day of the funeral which will then become a public holiday there's at least a 10-day mourning period starting the day after her death um and then she'll be transported to Westminster Abbey by gun carriage for the state funeral. And then

after the funeral, she'll be buried in the King George VI Memorial Chapel. I believe her... The body of her late husband, Prince Philip, who died last year, will be moved from the vault that he's

currently at to beneath the chapel to join her so that's pretty funny yeah um i don't know nothing to say about that other than it's funny that they've just got that dude in a fucking freezer it's really funny and the new coronation will cost billions of pounds oh good that's a good because england's like doing great right now. They've got plenty of money for all the necessities. Everything's been going well. Cost of living, yeah. Trade's great.

Cost of living's really down. So it's a good idea to spend billions of dollars making a little death cult about this elderly woman. That's good. that's good just like the last like big royal wedding cost between 1.2 billion and 6 billion pounds which is quite quite the quite the spectrum there 1.2 to 6 billion that's like huh i mean i feel like at that point all money's fake like the cost of the coronation is expected to be similar if not a little bit higher so right yeah gotta, you gotta spend a lot of money on a coronation for fucking Charles. So that you can, because that's what real countries do in 2022.

That's very real country shit. Speaking of money, a new currency is already being printed. And in fact, Oh, that'll be cheap though. And in fact, uh,

uh, portraits of Charles have already been made on currency. There's like a reserve of money depicting the next King. It's like, it's being stored to like move it in for when, for when the queen died. It's like, they already had lots of this money saved.

Just like how funny it would have been if like six months before this happened, his 72 year old ass had a heart attack. After like burn all that money. They've got to burn all the Charles bucks. He's not going to be around long. I will say, thank Christ that Britain no longer has the world's reserve currency.

Yeah. Can you imagine? No, we, we took, look, I, on,

on this network, on our various shows, we, we spend a lot of time digging into ugly aspects of American history and American culture. But let's all celebrate one thing that I'm legitimately proud of, which is that a long time ago, people here were like, that seems stupid to let those that family run everything. Why are we why are we doing that? Let's get those fuckers out of here. At least we doing that? Let's get those fuckers out of here. At least we did that. Although now a bunch of Americans are being fucking bootlickers too. And in Oregon and a bunch of other states, we're putting in the flags that have staff, which like, do you not know why this country exists?

This is the one base thing we did. Yeah. Like even the US, which probably has the most murderous bourgeoisie in human history. At least we did our bourgeois revolution. Damn it. Like at least we destroyed feudalism. So now we're going to move on to the next segment of the show entitled An Incomplete List of Politicians, Warmongers, Generals,

and Otherwise Bastards Who Queen Elizabeth II Bestowed Awards. So I have quite the collection of people here. Let's start with Palestine so Shimon Peres served as both president and prime minister of Israel he got a Nobel Peace Prize in the 90s for an interim

peace deal that failed in the long run to turn into an actual treaty I'm pretty sure he got assassinated no I don't think that was Rabin I think Rabin was the one turn into an actual treaty. Pretty sure he got assassinated. No, I don't think. That was Rabin. I think Rabin was the one. Rabin was the one who you could argue might have deserved an award.

But Perez is kind of known as more of like a peaceable leader. He's like compared to some of his colleagues specifically with the various ethnic cleansings that they do in palestine perez is kind of seen as like the good the good guy um

and then in the mid 90s he was facing a major right-wing backlash um in his home over over the peace deal with the palestinians um and in the middle of an election campaign which he was kind of losing so during this time he unleashedes of Wrath, which caused 400,000 Lebanese to flee their homes with almost 800 of them fleeing into a United Nations base in Kwanah, I believe it's called, in South Lebanon. And he didn't really stop there in order to kind of appease the right. And Al Jazeera calls it in an attempt to shore up his military credentials before a general election, which he then lost to Benjamin Netanyahu. He ordered the army to strike this UN shelter, killing 102 civilians, mostly women and children. At the time of the attack, Perez said that,

in my opinion, everything was done according to clear logic and in a responsible way. I am at peace. Perez said that the compound had been hit due to an incorrect targeting based on erroneous data, but the United Nations investigations found it unlikely that the shelling was unintentional because they were surveying the area heavily beforehand. So he did this massacre, killed like 100 people to boost his polls for the right-wingers in this election. In November 2008, Queen Elizabeth awarded him with an honorary knighthood.

Queen Elizabeth awarded him with an honorary knighthood. He was knighted in the Grand Cross of the Order of Saint Michael and Saint George. And during his knighthood, that day, Perez spoke to the Queen about the escalating Israeli-Palestine conflict, saying that, quote, the British learned from the Bible, and we learned from the British democracy. learned from the Bible, and we learned from the British democracy. Earlier that year, IDF launched Operation Hot Winter, a military campaign targeting the Gaza Strip in response to a series of Hamas rockets that killed one 47-year-old Israeli student, which that attack was in response to the IDF killing eight Hamas members earlier that month. But during the IDF's Operation Hot Winter, 110 Palestinians were killed. 54 of them were children.

And then a month, just one month after Peres was knighted, the 2008 Gaza War broke out, also known as the Gaza Massacre. And that was started by the IDF, who called it Operation Cast Lead, a three-week large-scale military campaign in the Gaza Strip. The massacre resulted in

1,400 Palestinian deaths and 13 Israeli deaths, four from friendly fire. So it's just a massacre. Yeah, so that was like a few weeks after after queen

elizabeth knighted knighted the then president of of uh of of israel who previously served as the prime minister which is more of like a real role um anyway moving on to more fun people uh 1989 queen elizabeth awarded ronald re Reagan with an honorary knighthood. That's good. Now, thankfully, the way honorary knighthoods work is you don't become a sir, because a sir is a title reserved for people from Britain. If I'm not mistaken, you can't hold office in the United States if you are a knight. Oh, I wouldn't.

I think it's an old rule we have. Yeah, I see you recall reading something about that. Yeah no i think isn't it no it's not in the constitution but there's something about yeah yeah but it's a it's a but even though you know you can't become a sir because you're not from britain um you okay here we go no title of nobility this is article one section nine clause eight of the constitution oh it is in the constitution yeah No title of nobility. This is Article 1, Section 9, Clause 8 of the Constitution. Oh, it is in the Constitution. Yeah. No title of nobility shall be granted by the United States, and no person holding any office of profit or trust under them shall, without the consent of the Congress, accept of any present emolument, office, or title of any kind whatsoever from any king, prince, or foreign state.

Fascinating. Yeah. So, again, the people who made this country for all of their flaws looked at the British monarchy and were like, that's fucking nuts. They did a Bush revolution. Well, because Reagan was received an honorary knighthood, the one benefit he does get is that at dinner parties, Reagan was able to sit closer to the queen than the unknighted former presidents. That's good. I'm glad that we have to, like, honestly,

look, again, I hate that I'm coming across as like America flex shit, but I feel like any president of the US should be able to pull up Riker style, flip a chair around, sit down next to her and say, look, we've been pulling your ass out of the fire for the last century.

Like, you don't get to fucking make me sit somewhere. I'm the president of the United States and you're a doddering old queen of a fucking third rate power. I hate that I just went like full fucking whatever there, but honestly, that's fucking ridiculous. Yeah, I think it's like, maybe the only country ever

that the u.s gets moral superiority yes like it's like it's the british empire like don't you don't like what seriously lady um unbelievable the one other president who was knighted uh was george hw bush who was knighted into the grand cross of the order of the bath well he did look like he could use one a lot of the time a rare a rarely awarded top order of knighthoods that's good i'm glad he got that british officials said that the knighthood marked the close relationship between the Republican president and Britain's conservative government, particularly during the Gulf War. Great. Yeah, that was a real moment of trial and tragedy for the British royal family. Yeah, they had to sit there and watch while people burned conscripts alive.

Yeah, they were really at risk there. while people burned conscripts alive. Yeah, they were really at risk there. I'm going to quote from the book Royal Babylon by English poet and activist Heathcote Williams. Quote, The fact that each U.S. president's record, without exception, would earn them seats on the dock at Nuremberg or at the International Criminal Court on genocide charges

doesn't deter the royal family from honoring them. For by an ironic twist, each U.S. president morphs into George III, against whom their forebearers fought. Which is a nice little quote by this English writer.

In the pretty good book, Royal Babylon, if you want to learn about how fucked up the monarchy is, this is a pretty fun book. Let's see, who else should be uh who else should we let's let's talk about norman schwartzenkopf schwartzkopf norman schwartzkopf he was the head of the he was the guy who actually like ran the the desert storm campaign yes uh he he said that the dead Iraqis, quote, weren't worth counting among, like, casualties of war,

and that, quote, I want every Iraqi soldier bleeding from every orifice. Yeah. It's, I mean, you know, Schwarzkopf was a guy who fought in Vietnam and took the loss hard, and I think a big part of why, a big part of what was going on with desert storm was a desire

to quote unquote reclaim like our military pride by beating the shit out of a smaller country um which is not to say that like i i don't believe there was like iraq had invaded enaver and occupied it that's bad something should have been done but the whole the whole like masturbatory i want all of their fucking conscript soldiers these like teenage kids to die is is is is like sick lunacy as was the masturbation over the anyway whatever we don't need to talk about the gulf war here he was anyway he was uh he also received a knighthood after all of that stuff which is fun uh also elizabeth gave a knighthood to colin powell um who facilitated covered up and justified many u.s war crimes in vietnam hey hey garrison facilitated cover-ups yes yeah uh-huh yeah most famously my lie uh yes the my lie massacre is the biggest thing that he was uh that he was involved in there were

other there were others he also likes he's that guy i think he's like like the thing i think is important he is probably the one person on earth in the bush administration who could have stopped the iraq war if he wanted to and he didn't like he he he knew that it was all bullshit and he was like nah fuck it let's do this war i I'm going to go lie to the UN. Quoting Powell, we burned down the thatched huts, starting the blaze with ronson and zippo lighters. Why were we torching houses and destroying crops? Ho Chi Minh said that his people were like the sea in which gorillas swarm. We tried to solve the problem by making the whole sea uninhabitable.

In the hard logic of war war what difference does it make if you shot your enemy or starved him to death so anyway night night night colin powell so true so true buddy um probably the least problematic person among this list uh in 1995 the queen approved uh on an honorary knighthood to a former u.s secretary of state uh henry kiss kiss einger kiss kissinger yeah he was he was just kind of a functionary very not not a big deal we should probably skip over i think i think that's how it's pronounced yeah he he was he was appointed an honorary uh knight commander in the most distinguished order of St. Michael and St. George. Jesus Christ.

Here's the thing. It's so funny. We must applaud the British for honoring the most popular American in China. It was a very progressive decision for her. Yes, Kissinger. I think a few of Kissinger's assistants also got knighted.

Brent Scowcroft. Scowcroft. Scowcroft. He got knighted. People from the Iran-Contra drugs and arms affair stuff got knighted. There was a lot of war criminal dudes got knighted in this late 90s period. I wonder what was going on there. Also, J. Edgar Hoover was knighted.

Which is pretty funny. And then an economic financier who endorsed really bad derivatives to make the housing bubble kind of blow up, Alan Greenspan, another American. Oh, he also, Greenspan like... He got

knighted. He's a horrible person. That man has killed more people than most generals. Like, he has... Oh boy. Yeah, he is pretty bad. I think we can do an ad break and then James is going to join us again

to finish up by talking about Ireland and Kenya. Because there's a lot of stuff in Ireland and Kenya because there's a lot of stuff in Ireland and Kenya. So anyway, do you know who won't receive a knighthood by Queen Elizabeth?

These products and services. I was going to say Queen Elizabeth because she's too dead to tap anybody on the fucking shoulder. That's a joke. She can't give them a knighthood because she's dead. Here's the ads very funny welcome i'm danny thrill won't you join me at the fire and dare enter nocturnal tales from the shadows presented by iheart and son. An anthology of modern day horror stories inspired by the legends of Latin America.

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Listen to Better Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever else you get your podcasts. Check out betteroffline.com. We're back. And, you know, I need to keep the audience informed about important network business for Cool Zone. So I want to let you all know that as he was coming back from getting his shot, James texted us all. OK, I'll be on in one sex. And there's a lot of jokes that we could make about that as a network.

And I'm not going to make them, but I'm going to urge you to make them yourself in your own heart and head and then tweet them to james james is that james is at i write okay on twitter that's right that's that's my twitter handle i write okay you can see a picture of me there that's anyway uh so we're now going to talk about mainly mainly two places where British colonialism and imperialism had devastating effects under Queen Elizabeth and a few pretty evil people that Elizabeth then also knighted who were directly doing this British colonialism. Let's talk about Kenya a little bit. So during the 1950s, British tried to get control of lands in Kenya that they had violently... They were trying to keep control of land

that they had previously stolen. Native Kenyans fought back in the Mau Mau uprising. Historians have documented widespread torture by British forces, including the crushing of testicles with pliers, the internment of up to 320,000 people in concentration camps, where they then endured slavery, starvation, murder, and rape, rape with blunt objects. Meanwhile, 1.5 million Kenyans were confined to a network of detention camps and heavily patrolled villages, as documented by historian Caroline Elkins in her Pulitzer-wise winning Britain's Gulag.

So this was all overseen by the queen as the head of state. And by the way, she was 31 at this point. You don't get to say well she just come and you know was just listening to her advisors at 31 years old you are young but you are old enough to not be complicit in a genocide yeah especially when you're the head of state like come on yes as the queen of england she had some leverage she is not like oh you came at you worked you were a tax collector in fucking south fucking shire england and you happen to be in doing that job when the mao mao were being

suppressed no no no she was the head of state she she she knew about stuff was going on was heavily involved because she was giving out like she was working with people who were doing pretty like egregious things um according to Kenya's biggest newspaper, The Daily Nation, a British policeman named Ian Henderson was known in Kenya as the torturer-in-chief and was the guy behind preparing a whole bunch of bogus evidence in the 1953 trial where six leading Mau Mau uprising figures were convicted including the future first president of independent kenya now queen elizabeth ii honored ian henderson again the torturer-in-chief with the george medal britain's highest civilian award in september of 1954

for his work in kenya so this is important. He wasn't military. He was just a policeman, which is why he gets a civilian award. She knew what was going on, was giving out individual police officers awards for their roles in crushing these independent uprisings.

You know who never would have done that is Sapuza II. Absolute clown shit. I do not know enough about Sobhuza II. I don't know how he acquired 1,000 grandchildren. I'm not going to make any claims. was taking back control of Swaziland's indigenous industries, being a good neighbor to the other African countries once they gained their independence, and of course, exporting a shitload of asbestos. So any other notes on Kenya? Yeah, so just before, I do want to just briefly raise that Elkins, that was a very unconventional and very good book for a young academic,

and she deserves a lot of credit for writing it in the process of writing that book and then trying to write her second book. Obviously, she dealt with a lot of backlash from writing her first book. She uncovered that Britain had hidden, classified, destroyed and refused to disclose a mountain of records about its colonial crimes in Kenya. And this is like an ongoing issue that goes on into the 20-teens, that there are public records, court cases about this. So we can see that it's wrong to say that this is just a relic of another era.

Britain has continued into this era. The ideology of the government from then to now is virtually indistinguishable, right? It's neoliberal conservatives. They have continued to hide rather than face justice for these crimes, right? Rather than say sorry, rather than say what we did was wrong, they've tried to cover up this shit.

And we need to remember that when we talk about, this is not a crime of the past. These are ongoing acts of genocide and genocide denial that we keep doing. I think we were talking about Operation Legacy. There are a bunch of different instances of the British government destroying other records. One of the other fun things

they seem to have been covering up, and we don't know exactly what was in those records, because again, they were destroyed. But one of't know exactly what was in those records because again they were just like they were destroyed um but one of the other things that was in this record is about uh a second time that brit that uh the uk put a bunch of people in concentration camps uh while queen elizabeth was president which was they did this they also did this in malaysia they put a million people they did this they did this in a lot of places sorry well she was, she was clown president, which is to say,

just to say queen. We're going to actually be talking about Malaysia in just a sec. Good. That was an emergency, not a war. It's important to remember. Yeah. So,

Ian Henderson, the torturer-in-chief who received this award, obviously had to leave Kenya shortly after the 50s because things happened received this award, uh, obviously had to leave Kenya, uh, shortly after the fifties because things happened. Um, and then he, he got, he got moved to Bahrain.

Um, and during a wave of pro independence revolts in Bahrain in 1968, uh, Henderson was appointed the head of the secret police and served as so until 1998. Um, and over the course of the secret police and served as so until 1998 um and over the course of his tenure he became known as the butcher of bahrain uh quoting the guardian quote during his time his men allegedly detained and tortured thousands of anti-government activists their activities are said to have included the ransacking of villages, sadistic sexual abuse, and using power drills to maim prisoners.

On many occasions, they have said to detain children without informing their parents, only to return them months later in body bags. Unquote. Yeah, and the Bahrain stuff, it's also worth mentioning, like, that never stopped. No. Yeah, it stopped being him in charge but like like in 2011 it only stopped him being in charge in 1998 yeah yeah and like yeah and in 2011 there was another revolution against like the bahraini uh the bahraini like monarchy and i mean it ended essentially when the saudis rolled tanks across the border but one of the things that happened

was that the british helped like the bahraini government like hunt down dissidents i just bust out my lecture on this hansel park stuff if we want to talk more about there were 15 miles of files that they found that have been hidden i mean this that was that was also the case in ireland which we're going to talk a bit about later the odd file i i lose emails all the time that's similar to 15 miles of paperwork. So in 1984, Ian Henderson was awarded by Queen Elizabeth with a CBE for services to British interests in Bahrain. And he also received a knighthood in the most excellent order of the British empire.

So this, this was after he was already known as the butcher of Bahrain. This, this is, this is 1984. he's well into his tenure he is torturing children killing them kidnapping them maiming people and that's when he gets knighthooded uh for his services to the british interests in bahrain um so yeah that's that's ian henderson um now uh during henderson's time in kenya uh he was just a part of the small team that was developing a new form of counterinsurgency pseudo gangster tactics uh kind of weaponizing like gang gang warfare for british interests

uh the other person who was kind of running this operation was an Englishman named Frank Kidson. So he was also serving in Kenya. And then on New Year's in 1955, Kidson was awarded the British Military Cross in recognition of gallant and distinguished services in Kenya. of gallant and distinguished services in Kenya. And three years later, he gained a bar to that medal for his work in the Malaysian emergency, quote-unquote. So during Britain's brutal war in Malaysia, he played a part in the concentration camps, which Chris mentioned.

The process was known as vigilization as they forced people into these concentration camps all over the course of a famine. And they were invading Malaysia to fund Britain's kind of post-war reconstruction. So he was in Kenya, Malaysia. He also went to Bahrain, just like Henderson did. He went to Yemen, Aden, and Cyprus,

all places where the British state is known for doing the widespread use of torture. And then he went to Northern Ireland in a not shocking turn of events. He then was the professional head of the british army during the iraq war described kidson as quote the sun around which the planets revolved saying that quote he very much set the tone for the operational style in belfast um the buddy uh-huh buddy oh no the notorious uh military reaction force the mrf uh which was uh accused of being behind a string of illegal shootings of catholic teenagers in the early 70s was based at kitson's headquarters outside belfast and one of the units under his command was nicknamed kitson's private army uh Its official name was One Para,

and these were the people that did Bloody Sunday. So in 1972 in Derry, 15,000 people gathered outside to protest against detention without trial. At 10 past four, British paratroopers opened fire. 28 people were shot, some in the back as they fled. 14 people were killed, seven of whom were teenagers. And it was Kitson's private army who fired all 108 shots in Derry

during winter of 1972. One of the victims, the first teenager named Kevin, 17 years old, he was shot from behind while trying to crawl to safety. Yeah. The Baton Murphy massacre was at the same time as well. Like it's worth people.

These are very well documented things that people, that people can read about that. We don't need to describe the detail, but so. England, England, bad Elizabeth queen. In 1972, Frank Kinson was knighted again. Same, same year as the massacre was knighted by the queen for gallant and

distinguished service in Northern Ireland and was promoted to commander of the order of the British empire. Um, a few years later, he became a major general and the quote, night commander of the Order of the Bath. Again, what the fuck is going on? It is nice that he and former head of the CIA, George H.W. Bush,

got to hang out in their fancy club, though. These people are so fucked up. It's great. So later, Kitson served as commander-in-chief for the UK Land Forces from 1982 to 1985 and was the aid was the aid de camp general to queen elizabeth direct directly to queen elizabeth from 1983 to 1985 so yeah that's uh that's fun um it's worth noting that the order of the bath is like a uh i believe that some of those

other honours, the Queen's honours that you've talked about are selected by a committee or perhaps by government I'm not quite sure, the Order of the Bath is supposed to be like the personal gift the Queen's specific selection yeah, and the Sovereign is head of the Order of the Bath

it's the big diamond shaped metal you'll see lots of princes wearing. You all tortured so dreadfully well. I'd love to give you this fancy award for jamming screwdrivers into children and turning them on. Hootily-doo. Off to go breed another corgi. That's the Ghost of the Queen you were promised at the start of the episode

so it throughout Robert's basement throughout the 2000s Kinson remained a key advisor on US military strategy during the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan there is much that the US has done which is also war crimes and torture in those wars yeah and we should also mention

okay there's a thing you'll get from insurgency nerds who are talking about the my life like emergency quote-unquote is like the one successful kind of insurgency and that's just not true like the insurgency started again after they stopped and second uh you can tell how well this went by the fact that that guy also was helping the u.s do a rock in afghanistan and the only thing he's ever managed to accomplish is killing an enormous number of people he doesn't yeah i mean he was just a sea of dubs there yeah he was in all those countries he was heavily involved in aiden and yemen which led to 200 000 deaths uh between 1962 and 1970 um and and today british armies still continue the same this this the same process of uh of overseeing the bombing of yemen um yeah so it's good stuff i mean

there's no one the u.s is innocent of just to oh no we're the ones arming uh yeah yeah we need to saudi coalition whatever you want to call it that's murdering people in yemen but i think the brain doesn't have the capacity to make as many bombs as the US is sending to Yemen, I would doubt. But all of these processes and all of these people are still continuing

the same colonialism and the same- Yes. All of the same oppression. This isn't like, quote unquote, the past. It's an ongoing thing

that the monarchy awards and perpetuates. They've had to downsize it a little bit because it just doesn't work as well as it used to. And so the thing they they've had to downsize it a little bit because you know it just doesn't work as well as it used to and so the thing they decided to do to downsize it was stop paying off the populace um and just start policing them harder and but but the the money has kept flowing to the royals yes yeah so anyway in the malay emergency that britain did pioneer the use

of asian orange so that's another gift that we've given to the people of the United States. Ah, well, thank you, James, for that. Yeah. You're welcome.

Anytime it's that it's tea cozies with the queen on it's stuff. Corgis, you know, I want to suggest if you are looking for a way to properly mourn queen Elizabeth, um, maybe check out the film Churchill, the Hollywood years, a truly exceptional

movie. If you just type it into Google and look around on YouTube, you can find a full copy of it. It features Christian Slater as Winston Churchill and Neve Campbell as the recently deceased queen. And I don't know who it is that they got to play her father, the former king, but he's basically portrayed as like a drunk and also like every time there's a big fancy party he's just constantly staring at everyone's drinks because he's angry that they're drinking his champagne because he's a big fucking uh uh spin thrift um very funny very good send up of the royal family um also heinrich himmler conducts a satanic wedding and by replacing a crucifix with a chicken.

It's a good movie. Watch that. Just like in real life. Just like in real life. I'll also recommend you check out the book Royal Babylon. I was able to get it a free copy online through great methods. So anyway, yeah, that if you want a nice like poetic history of how the queen is fucked up and the monarchy sucks.

Royal Babylon's a nice easy read did you get into the bowls lion sisters as well did you do that no uh these two people who were disabled they are the queen's cousins they the royal family basically announced they were dead but they weren't dead and they lived in uh an institutional home for, I think it was called the Royal Ellswood Institution for Mental Defectives. Great. They lived there, more or less anonymously, completely disowned by their family

on a very small stipend until they died. And that is not a nice way to treat your cousins. Well, this only cements my opinion that the monarchy is... Bad. Bad. Yep. Well, this only cements my opinion that the monarchy is bad. Something about Foucault and boomerangs and colonialism. Abolish the monarchy. It's always okay to celebrate the death of a king or queen. Doesn't matter who they are.

Doesn't matter how it happens. It's bad for the concept of monarchy is the only thing more toxic than the concept of inherited wealth and both are deeply tied to each other fuck the Queen and fuck all of her relatives except for the ones who give up their their positions in power those people are cool yeah don't tone police people whose parents were killed by colonial regimes on the internet either. Yeah. And overthrow the government of Britain. Yeah.

Why not? Look, we always... This podcast from the beginning has been directly in favor of an insurrection against the crown. Yeah. The one thing that you do have to hand it to the Queen for is seeing Liz Truss as Prime Minister

and immediately dying, which is an appropriate response. Yeah, me too. Committing ritual suicide with the corgi. And you know, again, King Sabuto II did destroy democracy in Swaziland, but then he replaced it with something that kind of sounds like democracy, and that's more than Queen Elizabeth did. Yeah, we just started at point B with something that kind of sounds like democracy. And that's more than Queen Elizabeth did. Yeah. We just started at point B.

Something that kind of sounds like democracy. I know, I know what King I'm going to stand in the future. All right, Robert. Well, that's a t-shirt I'll be getting you for Christmas. Thank you.

New tattoo too. Short, short live King Charles the third. It could happen here as a production of cool zone media. King Charles III. at coolzonemedia.com slash sources. Thanks for listening. You should probably keep your lights on for Nocturnal Tales from the Shadow Broth. Join me, Danny Trails, and step into the flames of right. An anthology podcast of modern day horror stories inspired by the most terrifying legends

and lore of Latin America. Listen to Nocturnal on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Curious about queer sexuality, cruising, and expanding your horizons? Hit play on the sex-positive and deeply entertaining podcast, Sniffy's Cruising Confessions. Join hosts Gabe Gonzalez and Chris Patterson Rosso as they explore queer sex, cruising, relationships, and culture Welcome to Gracias Come Again, a podcast by Honey German, where we get real and dive straight into todo lo actual y viral. We're talking musica, los premios, el chisme, and all things trending in my cultura. I'm bringing you all the latest happening in our entertainment world

and some fun and impactful interviews with your favorite Latin artists, comedians, actors, and influencers. Each week, we get deep and raw life stories, combos on the issues that matter to us, and it's all packed with gems, fun, straight-up comedia, and that's a song that only Nuestra Gente can sprinkle. Listen to Gracias Come Again on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Ed Zitron, host of the Better Offline podcast, get your podcast. at times unhinged look at the underbelly of tech brought to you by an industry veteran with nothing to lose. Listen to Better Offline on the iHeartRadio app,

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