It Could Happen Here - CZM Book Club: Cool Zone 2055: In Bed With the Dreadnaughts
Episode Date: January 19, 2025Margaret from the future reads a report from behind the Iron Curtain in fascist-occupied Spain.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information....
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We want to speak out and we want this to stop.
Wow, very powerful.
I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist,
and this is my journey deep into
the adult entertainment industry.
I really wanted to be a Playboy model.
He was like, I'll take you to the top,
I'll make you a star.
To expose an alleged predator
and the rotten industry he works in.
It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated.
We're an army in comparison to him.
From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Callzone Media.
Book club, book club, book club. Hello, and welcome to Callzone Media Book Club, Book Club, Book Club.
Hello, and welcome to Cool Zone Media Book Club,
the only book club where I do the reading for you.
And sometimes I do the writing for you.
Like this week.
Well, this week is yet another episode of Dino Wars,
which means that we are going to read to you
podcasts from the future.
That's right.
We have been sent podcasts from Cool Zone Media 2055.
That's 30 years in the future for those of you who are in the year 2025.
But then if you're listening to this further in the future, it'll be closer.
That's how numbers work.
And time, which marches only forward.
Anyway, here's the episode.
Hello, and welcome to Cool Zone 2055.
How to survive the Dino Wars.
I'm your host, Margaret Killjoy, and this week, we're bringing you something special.
This week, we're bringing you a report from across the Iron Curtain, from inside Nazi-occupied Spain, from the Catalonian Resistance.
It's near impossible to get information in and out of curtained regions of the
world, most of which are under permanent conditions of Vishnu shielding. This
report then, like I just said, is something special. We received it on
microfiche, one of those technologies that was extinct before I was born. But
then again, we make use of a lot of technologies and animals that were
extinct before any of us were born. This report was handwritten in code and then
photographed and shrunk, then tied to the wing of a pigeon.
That pigeon flew from Barcelona to Toulouse, where partisans recovered it, decoded it,
and then passed along part of it to Cool Zone Media for us to read it to you.
Well, there was a lot more information besides what I'll be reading, information about troop movements and all of that.
But obviously, that's not for public consumption.
That information stayed in Toulouse, where partisans are entrenched and holding back
the Iberian phalanx at great cost and with great valor.
This then is a report from outside of Barcelona, from our own anonymous correspondent.
As you all are quite aware, Cool Zone Media works with a number of anonymous correspondents.
One of our dearest is a person who writes under the name, Mix Bunnyface Murder.
When spelled out, of course, it's just Mix and then the bunnyface emoji and then the
dagger emoji.
That's how you know they're a Zoomer.
For a while, Mix murder would read their own reports,
and we'd run it through a voice changer.
But all of that changed two years ago,
when Nazi quantum computers started
to be able to decrypt that stuff,
and three of my friends were killed.
I mean, a lot more than three people were killed.
But you know, in a time of mass death,
you sometimes focus on the ones closest to you.
Anyway, all of this is to say that other hosts, those of us who aren't anonymous, have started
voicing mixed bunny face murders work.
Of course, one of us would have to voice it anyway, because, you know, it showed up a
microfiche.
But that's besides the point.
This show is, of course, more or less family-friendly.
If you want to hear the entire uncensored version of the report, with all of Mick's
bunny-face murders, usual sexual antics included, you'll have to check out our sister podcast,
Under the Pants and Under the Ground.
That episode will be out soon.
We're arguing in our signal chat right now about who gets to record the more
explicit version of this tale.
This report is titled In Bed with the Dreadnoughts,
16 Weeks in a Catalonian Camp Surrounded by Hotties and Brontos.
And it's the first reporting any of us have gotten out of Eastern Spain
in half a year.
But first, before we get to that, there's one more thing I wanna talk about.
That's right, I wanna talk about Dino Cadence.
Dino Cadence is the academy for Dino riding, and I'm willing to bet that if
you can hear this podcast, there is a Dino Cadence studio open somewhere near you.
Not only are they the fastest growing training program for writers and techs, they're also
Cool Zone Media's biggest sponsor.
And this week, we would like to tell listeners that Dino Cadence has not forgotten its roots
as an exotic dinosaur dance troupe.
In fact, thanks to all of your support, Dino Cadence is going on tour. That's right, the world's finest burlesque sex show circus act is going on tour to raise money for the fight.
Look them up on your favorite apps or sites for dates or tickets.
Dino Cadence would like to remind all listeners that while exotic dancers will be performing sexual displays on or near dinosaurs,
they will not be performing sexual displays with dinosaurs.
Any audience member who requests such a thing will be escorted out immediately.
So without further ado, well, there will likely be further ado during the ad breaks, but without
immediate further ado, here is my reading of the safe for work-ish version of In Bed
with the Dreadnoughts, 16 Weeks in a Catalonian Camp Surrounded by
Hotties and Brontos by Mixed Bunnyface Murder.
According to the 2054 report from Pew Pew Anti-Fascist International Polling, the number
one reason why people join an internationalist army or militia is to impress potential romantic or sexual partners.
28% of people.
This just edges out saving humanity from fascism at 27%,
followed by to get out of the house,
12%, and while I was gonna die soon anyway, 11%.
Other interesting reasons include and, well, I was gonna die soon anyway. 11%.
Other interesting reasons include personal revenge
for the death of a loved one, 8%.
For the glory of the new god, Shalom Svartzbard, 0.3%.
For the glory of the old gods, 0.6%.
And I wanna know what it's like to kill someone, 0.5%.
So how did I wind up in Catalonia, trapped behind the Iron Curtain,
wishing I'd known ahead of time that Catalonian is a different language than
Spanish?
Well, I was with the plurality.
You see, I met this cute cis girl last year when I was reporting on
the Internationalist Science Convention in San Diego.
And for any older listeners, we should be clear that I'm using cis in the ironic sense,
developed by Jen Beans, where you mark someone as cis when you're actually implying that
they might not be cis, but without actually fully disclosing whether or not they're cis
or trans, because it's not your business.
She was with the CNT, the anarcho-syndicalist union with the cute red and black hats.
And she was presenting on the impact of Sarotergia, like dinosaurs with flippers and shit that
live in the water.
On the climate changed warm Mediterranean, which is what her doctorate was on.
I figured I didn't have a chance in hell at impressing her by learning how to spell Sarotergia
in her emails.
But maybe I could impress her by doing some reporting on the Catalonian front, one of
the hottest hot spots in the whole world 3.5.
So me and my mediocre Spanish packed ourselves into a troop transport carrying Maganista
forces from San Diego to Barcelona, and I landed into a city transformed.
But first, you should let yourself be, uh, transformed by these ads?
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Music Welcome, I'm Danny Trejo.
Won't you join me at the fire and dare enter Nocturnum, Tales from the Shadows, presented
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-♪ Ah!
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as part of my cultura podcast network,
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We want to speak out. We want to raise awareness. And we want this to stop. podcast or wherever you get your podcast.
We want to speak out. We want to raise awareness and we want this to stop.
Wow. Very powerful.
I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist.
When a group of models from the UK wanted my help,
I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry.
I really wanted to be a playboy model.
Lingerie, topless.
I said, yes, please.
Because at the center of this murky world
is an alleged predator.
You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior?
He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it.
He's everywhere and has been everywhere.
It's so much worse and so much more widespread
than I had anticipated.
Together, we're going to expose him
and the rotten industry he works in.
It's not just me.
We're an army in comparison to him.
Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and batter than ever.
I'm Erica.
And I'm Mila.
And we're the hosts of the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast, brought to you by the Black
Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday.
Historically, men talk too much.
And women have quietly listened.
And all that stops here.
If you like witty women, then this is your tribe.
With guests like Corinne Stephens.
I've never seen so many women protect predatory men.
And then me too happen.
And then everybody else wanna get pissed off
because the white said it was okay.
Problem.
My oldest daughter, her first day in ninth grade,
and I called to ask how I was doing.
She was like, oh dad, all they was doing
was talking about your thing in class.
I ruined my baby's first day of high school.
And slumflower.
What turns me on is when a man sends me money.
Like I feel the moisture between my legs when a man sends me money.
I'm like, oh my god, it's go time.
You actually sent it?
Listen to the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network,
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And we're back.
You've heard my reports on anarcho-syndicalist Catalonia on this show before, back before the Iron Curtain fell over the Iberian Peninsula.
Or rather, before that curtain extended all the way to the eastern coast.
You've heard me talk about the black and red banners that are just fucking everywhere,
hanging from every building, like it's all the set piece for some old movie or something.
You've heard me talk about the communal meals that are served around the clock for free
to all comers in seized hotels, where people play music and the social life of the
city takes place when it takes place inside.
I showed up in the summer and 2054 was of course the hottest year on record, which isn't
a surprise, since every year or two is the hottest year on record.
But anyway, it was hot as hell, so most social life took place inside, because the average day there was over 40 degrees.
That's 104 to you heathens in America.
You heard me talk about the Aragosaurs that wander the streets, covered in red and black
barding.
The Aragosaurus has become the de facto mascot of Spanish anarcho-syndicalism.
It's named after the province of Aragon.
And why did they name their mascot after the province of Aragon. And why did they name their mascot after the province of Aragon?
Well, all throughout the 2040s, of course, the Iberian Peninsula was in revolt.
Aragon, Catalonia, and the Basque Country were, of course, three of the most powerful
internationalist strongholds.
And Aragon declared for anarcho-syndicalism in 2049. Well, they also declared for it in 2029, 2034, 2037, 2040, 2044, and 2048.
But in 2049 it stuck for a while.
Catalonia and the Basque Country rushed to follow, and the revolt spread.
Aragon was also the first to fall.
When the Fashions took Aragon in 2052, they took it hard.
Of the 1.5 million people living there, fully 400,000 were killed.
Roughly 200,000 joined the fascist forces, and another 500,000 fled to Catalonia.
The Battle of Terra Goza has captured the world's dark imagination, so much so that it gave
the world a new style of art, the dark imagination, or just la escura in Spanish.
The dark imagination is large-scale art, often many of the pieces are meters on the side,
that focuses on the suffering of the living at the hands of the biospawn, often using the grayscale color scheme from Pablo Picasso's Guernica
and mixing Cubism with realism.
Usually, either the primary subject is rendered in a Cubist style
while the background is more realistic or vice versa.
The actual battle, the Battle of Terra Goza,
was quite simply one of the worst things that
has happened in human history.
There have been higher death counts.
There's been greater malice.
But Taragosa was the first city of its size to be torn asunder by half-mad, screaming,
tortured hybrid humans.
It was the Iberian phalanx that first weaponized biospawn built from humans, and the people
of Terra Goza who did not escape in time, were hunted down and ripped apart limb from
limb, turning the city into a surreal landscape of brick and bone.
The CNT's militia, bolstered by allies from every left of fascist political persuasion
from France, Italy, and Morocco, performed heroically.
Within hours of the initial onslaught, they shifted their focus from holding the city
to defending the exodus of its population.
Later captured intelligence confirmed their suspicions.
The fascists were not attempting to capture the city to rule it, nor even to exterminate
its population. The fascists were attempting to capture the city in order to turn it into an open-air
research prison, to perform terrible experiments upon its people, to turn them into biospawn.
General Alifantza Buenaventura fell in the fighting in a live-stream moment that will
live forever in our minds.
She, with the rest of her polycule, covered the retreat of her soldiers.
As the four lovers were swarmed by shriekers, she drew out a grenade, and they all held
hands.
She shouted something as she pulled the pin.
We don't know what she said.
Not really.
It was lost to the din.
Some people, looking at her lips, think she shouted,
Viva Anarchia.
Others believe it was Viva Aragon.
You'll be shocked to know that people whose primary allegiance is to anarcho-syndicalism believe the former,
while those who favor Aragonian independence as their primary concern believe it was the latter.
Certainly, Alaphonse believed in both causes, but Occam's
razor says that it was viva anarchya. And so, its people fled and Aragon fell. Why was
I telling you all of this? Oh right, the dinosaurs. The Aragonosaurus has been the mascot of the
Iberian Revolution ever since, in memory
of the wasteland that is now patrolled by fascists.
If you ever want to flirt with a Spanish revolutionary a little too aggressively, just at the edge
of actually insulting them, call the Aragonosaurus a brontosaurus.
In English, we pretty much call anything with four legs and a tiny head and a long neck
a bronto, But in Catalonia,
that's blasphemy.
I spent months living in and reporting on Barcelona. The revolution had a sort of carnival
air as social barriers broke down and everyone became friends, comrades, and lovers. I never
saw my marine paleontologist friend again, sadly. I've heard she's probably in Italy now, continuing her research in a place not under such dire
threat.
The aquatic dinosaur support we get here, even under blockade, has certainly been essential,
so I'm grateful to her.
But that hasn't stopped me from, well, joining in the festivities, so to speak.
For the first month or so I was there, I lived with a polycule of internationals in a building
that was squatted even before property was collectivized in the city.
I had some good times with them, but I'm not really built for polycule life.
There are so many nights you don't want to play Warhammer 40K, and I found myself out
at the bars looking for something a bit more novel.
But I bet Margaret wants to do a family friendly of this report.
Yes, yes I do.
So I won't get into too much detail about all of that just here.
But what I bet Margaret does want to do is cynically transition to ads in the middle
of this important update about world affairs.
Sure, I'd love to. paid more. The International Rice Harvesters Union would also like to say to all workers everywhere, join a union, just not ours. It's for rice harvesters.
This podcast is sponsored by Maggot Meat, the only meat substitute made out of maggots.
It's chock full of protein and maggots. Yum yum get some maggot meat.
This podcast is sponsored by the concept of potatoes.
That's right.
After 30 some years, we finally got someone to give us money to talk about potatoes.
Potatoes are good.
You can grow them at home.
You probably should grow them at home because food shortages are a constant source of suffering
across the world.
Grow your own survival garden with potatoes. Ears with the Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest
topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the
show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly
headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready
to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRad Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Welcome, I'm Danny Trejo. Won't you join me at the fire and dare enter. Nocturnum, Tales from the Shadows, presented by iHeart and Sonora.
An anthology of modern-day horror stories inspired by the legends of Latin America.
From ghastly encounters with shapeshifters,
to bone-chilling brushes with supernatural creatures. I know you.
Ah!
Take a trip and experience the horrors
that have haunted Latin America since the beginning of time.
Ah!
Listen to Nocturne, Tales from the Shadows,
as part of MyCultura podcast network,
available on the iHeart radio app
apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast
we want to speak out we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop wow very powerful
i'm ellie Flynn and i'm an journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult
entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy my dog.
Lingerie, topless. I said yes please. Because at the center of this murky
world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of
behavior.
He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it.
He's everywhere and has been everywhere.
It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated.
Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in.
It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him.
Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and batter than ever.
I'm Erica.
And I'm Mila.
And we're the hosts of The Good Moms Bad Choices podcast,
brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday.
Historically, men talk too much.
And women have quietly listened.
And all that stops here.
If you like witty women, then this is your tribe.
With guests like Corinne Stephens.
I've never seen so many women protect predatory men.
And then me too happen.
And then everybody else want to get pissed off
because the white said it was OK.
Problem.
My oldest daughter, her first day in ninth grade,
and I called to ask how I was doing.
She was like, oh, dad, all they was doing
was talking about your thing in class.
I ruined my baby's first day of high school.
And slum flower.
What turns me on is when a man sends me money.
Like, I feel the moisture between my legs
when a man sends me money.
I'm like, oh my God, it's go time.
You actually sent it?
Listen to the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast.
Every Wednesday.
On the Black Effect Podcast Network.
The iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast,
or wherever you go to find your podcast.
And we're back.
During the day, I studied the anarcho-syndicalist movement, and I talked to its organizers about
lessons they've learned and what they wanted the rest of the world to know.
If I survive all of this, I might turn that into a book.
There's a big if there about the surviving all of this.
Ever since the phalanx took Aragon, the demons of hell have been at our door.
The Vishnu shields went up and they've stayed up because force equalization favors the defender.
The exodus or La Piquinia Riturata, the little retreat, happened a couple months ago now. It was
a beautiful action, performed perfectly. The Mediterranean was swarming with biospawn,
horrid mermen creatures and zombie sharks,
and just really some of the worst things imaginable.
Plesiosaur riders and the CNT Navy,
alongside a decent-sized chunk of the Irish Republican Navy,
fought back the shrieking in the sea.
Most citizens, even the non-combatants,
and what does that word even mean anymore?
I'm a reporter and I carry an AR-15.
Most people elected to stay.
Barcelona, they swear, will not become another Terra Goza.
Considering a rather large chunk of people here themselves fled Terra Goza, or Aragon
more broadly, it's not an empty statement when they say that.
But researchers and engineers fled, bringing with them a decent chunk of the cloning factories
of the city, since those don't work under Vishnu conditions.
And there are many, many people who rely on electricity for their work and their wartime
contributions, or even just their day-to-day physical health and survival.
Tens of thousands of people loaded into boats and sailed off for Italy.
And we did not lose a single civilian boat or civilian.
Three Irish and five C&T ships went down, but nearly every one of those sailors was
rescued.
There are 17 martyred heroes of the little retreat.
I watched the whole thing from the roof of a beachside motel with the rest of the press,
relying on actual binoculars and telescopes instead of the drones I was used to using.
The shrieking was overwhelming for hours, until it wasn't, until the sailors beat back the half-living monsters of the
sea, until the tide washed red.
And I'm not being as hyperbolic here as you might imagine.
The whole sea didn't change color, but blood and bodies washed up for weeks after the battle.
The night of the battle, I took six of those Irish Republican sailors home with me to show
them a little bit of syndicalist hospitality.
They drank in honor of their friend they had lost that day.
Siobhan was her name. I drank in honor of her too, but it wasn't alcohol that I wanted going down my throat.
And then at this point, Mick's bunny face murder hand wrote the code for an eggplant emoji so that it too could be encrypted and then decrypted, even though it's an audio medium.
I only managed to file one report after the Vishnu Shield went up, a now peer-reviewed
preliminary study on the sexual cultural differences of Irish Republican volunteers and Catalonian
anarcho-syndicalists and the compatibilities of the two.
I did a lot of research for that study. volunteers and Catalonian anarcho-syndicalists and the compatibilities of the two.
I did a lot of research for that study.
Got a special chair to sit in the corner and observe my subjects and everything.
I got that study out.
Look for it in the Journal of Applied Sexuality.
It should be out by the time that you read this.
But that was it.
The Iron Curtain came down, fast.
The Phalanx's naval blockade has proven impenetrable to any but the canniest of deep sea divers.
The armies arrayed around us are far too great for the brave few soldiers who remain in Catalonia.
So far, we've repelled every attack.
But Catalonia is a land under siege.
It will not survive without international support. We desperately
need someone, anyone, to attack fascist Spain while they are busy with us.
Most of the fighting isn't in Barcelona. Sure, occasionally a terror unit of the enemy
will sneak in some zombies or some terrible biospawn monsters. But the population here
is armed and organized. So, so those biospawn are. But the population here is armed and organized.
So those biospawn are neutralized quickly before they can do too much damage to people
or morale.
Most of the fighting is in the countryside.
I decided to embed myself with an international unit of mostly American and British stegosaurus
riders who call themselves the thaghags, after the Thagomizer, the spiky
bit at the end of a Stegosaurus's tail. They're led by Captain Simmons, a black British chap who
is taken to wearing a pith helmet ironically and smoking a pipe earnestly. He's truly a wonderful
man and monogamously married before anyone asks. Who cares deeply about the people under his command
and even more about the Stegosaurs?
We rode off to the front under a hail of confetti and flowers.
I cried.
Look, lots of stuff make me cry.
I cried writing about that polycule clutching the grenade,
yelling something or other with their last words.
I cried watching the battle as people fled the city.
I even cried during the festivities after the battle.
The Thag Hags number only 200 people and 87 stagasaurs.
But there were 8,000 of us marching out of the city that day to the front.
Many of the Irish Republican volunteers were there with us, as were a thousand Pan-Africanists
who'd been defending the city for years at that point and had been preparing to head home,
but have been trapped by the Iron Curtain.
There was also, curiously, a unit of dreadnoughts.
I don't know if you've covered them on the show before.
I haven't been able to listen for a while now.
I'm sorry about that.
But they're this unit with a rather unique selling point.
They boast the highest mortality rate of any unit in the internationalist forces.
Their recruitment materials proudly declare that the average dreadnought dies in their
second engagement. They marched in their medieval armor beside or astride their massive war sores.
It was strange to be in their company. They're like a walking memento mori.
I determined that, once we got to the front, I would get to know some of them a little bit better.
There's something incredibly seductive about death and about those who straddle the line
between life and death. I don't really know if in French they actually call
orgasms little deaths, but if they do, it makes sense to me. So we marched out of
the city, out to the camp at the place I can't tell you, and I can't tell you how
long it took us to get there. But eventually we got there. We got to the camp at the place I can't tell you. And I can't tell you how long it took us to get there.
But eventually, we got there.
We got to the front.
As for what I saw while I was there,
the audience is going to have to wait another week
unless Cool Zone Media has changed its schedule since I've been gone.
And that's it for part one of
In Bed with the Dreadnoughts by Mixed Bunnyface Murder.
We'll be back with more of it next week.
Okay, Margaret in 2025 here, just letting you know that if you like my writing,
you might like my upcoming book, The Immortal Choir Holds Every Voice.
If you heard me read a book called The Lamb Will Slaughter the Lion to Robert
Evans here on Cool Zone Media Book Club, well, this book,
The Immortal Choir Holds Every Voice,
is a sort of prequel to that one.
It's technically the third in the series.
And it's gonna be kickstarted soon, March 2025.
And you can sign up for notifications by searching
The Immortal Choir Kickstarter,
because no one's ever gonna remember the full title of my books,
because that's the way I title my books.
I name them things like The Barrow Will Send What It May.
Anyway, if you search the Immortal Choir Kickstarter and
go to the pre-launch page over there, you can click a little like,
tell me about when it goes live button.
And you should, cuz then you'll know about it when the Kickstarter goes live.
And I'll have audio books of all three Daniel Cain books available through that
Kickstarter, I believe too.
Anyway, if you're
listening to this on January 19th, 2025, the day it comes out and you live in the US,
good luck tomorrow. I hope we all make it. See y'all soon. For more podcasts from Cool Zone Media, visit our website, coolzonemedia.com, or check us out on the iHeard radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
You can find sources for it could happen here, updated monthly, at coolzonemedia.com slash
sources.
Thanks for listening.
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