It Could Happen Here - The Cum Conspiracy Episode
Episode Date: March 15, 2023From milking machines to testicle tanning, the gang tells four stories of semen based conspiracy theories and quack science spreading across the online conservative right.See omnystudio.com/listener f...or privacy information.
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I found out I was related to the guy that I was dating.
I don't feel emotions correctly.
I collect my roommate's toenails and fingernails.
Those were some callers from my call-in podcast, Therapy Gecko.
It's a show where I take phone calls from anonymous strangers as a fake gecko therapist
and try to learn a little bit about their lives.
I know that's a weird concept, but I promise it's very interesting.
I know that's a weird concept, but I promise it's very interesting.
Check it out for yourself by searching for Therapy Gecko on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Dearly beloved, welcome to It Could Happen Here.
We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life.
It's a thing that only happens with the addition of a couple
of ingredients, and one of those ingredients
is the subject of our episode today.
Come.
Oh, yeah. You guys like that?
Everybody really happy with that? I love that, yeah.
I'm feeling not at all like I want to kind of
shower. Okay.
You can hear the moment where we're all simultaneously questioning every single decision we've ever made in our entire lives.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Now, we're all bonded together.
So, how's everybody doing today?
We've got Mio Wong, Garrison Davis, James Stout.
And I should let people know I wasn't joking about the cum thing.
So, those of you who are too online will know this.
Those of you who are not online enough, this is one of the online things that you will want to know because it's very funny.
And the gist of it is that like four days ago, Dr. Jordan B. Peterson got sent a link to a Twitter account that is that purports to be spreading like hidden news about the evils of
the chinese communist regime and they put out a video that was a segment from a british milking
fetish pornography video now if you're not aware the milking as far as i can tell i believe they're
kind of descended from the long lineage of like rubber fetishists,
right? And there's like a lot of medical fetish stuff tied into it. But the idea is that men are
entirely wrapped up on hospital gurneys and giant pumps suck the semen out of them.
It's like a cow milker. The machine is very similar to what you would use to milk a cow.
This Twitter account put this up, claiming that
it was the Chinese government stealing the semen
of young men, and Jordan
Peterson shared it, saying
it was an unbelievable act of evil.
And then everyone
had the best day of their lives.
And an hour or two later, he deleted it.
Now, I have been continuing...
Coward.
Cowards are deleting it yeah so strange so
strange that he left the world of peer-reviewed academia yeah it's wild that he's no longer a
professor yeah um it's very funny uh we're continuing to give him shit for it online
but it set us off down an interesting road and because some other stuff fell through
we're going to talk about the wide world of weird right-wing cum conspiracies. Most of them released are going to be right-wing.
There's a surprising number of semen-based conspiracies. Everybody did research on their
own special thing. I wanted to start by talking about this Jordan Peterson cum video and giving
kind of some of the background on it. So I believe it was last
July, uh, the Chinese human sperm bank of Shanghai announced that it was hosting a competition for
college students to find out whose semen was, was the best in, in terms of like, you know,
a number of modal sperm per milliliter, I think is, is the way that they judge it.
Um, and basically the idea was that, uh that they were trying to find people with sperm concentration
greater than 60 million per milliliter. And if they visited a sperm bank a set number of times
in a six-month period, they could receive a prize that was equivalent to about $1,200.
Right? Now, the reason this is happening is that China, for the first time, as a result of a number of different policies, had negative population growth very recently.
And this is the thing that can cause a problem for a country for a variety of reasons.
So the government is trying to shore up birth rates.
And there are a lot of couples in China that have had issues conceiving.
And so there's a huge amount of demand for sperm in the country right
now. So this is not a weird story. It is actually a thing that happens all around the world
regularly. But right around the time that this happened, a little bit after that, it came out
that a Japanese company started selling what is called in the articles I found an automatic
sperm extractor to Chinese sperm banks. Now, I'm going to send you all the link.
I was hoping you would.
Oh, yes. Good friends.
Thanks, buddy.
Yes, we're all going to see this. So the machine's price listing on Alibaba, where it sells for about $5,000 to $6,000,
describes it as a device that, quote, merges modern digital technology, automatic control technology,
and simulation technologies with semen collection and premature ejaculation desensitization training function.
So it has a number of purposes, including I guess to help guys stop coming
too early. Which, hey, no shame. It's funny that someone built a machine for it.
It's extremely funny. And that you can buy on AliExpress. It's like, I personally am
not attaching anything I bought on Alibaba to sensitive parts of my body.
$6,000.
It's not cheap. Now, the primary, these are not being used for
people who are coming too quickly.
This is like the worst ever
R2-D2.
It is
weird. What's the orientation? Does it
stand on the ground and you just approach it?
You have to stand up.
But what if you're a short king?
I'm sure
they have options. It has like the rough
shape of like a handheld massage device,
but it's kind of like formed like almost an art deco robot vagina. And basically from what I've
read, kind of the reasoning is that like, hey, we need people to donate sperm. Some people feel
weird about just masturbating in a clinic and we hope this is a more pleasant experience for them.
So again, we're laughing because like, look, a machine designed to capture semen is kind of a
funny thing that's okay no shame on anybody for that um but the fact that you have both the
government trying to encourage people to donate sperm and this weird machine kind of created fertile
ground for a bunch of right-wing weirdos to start making grounded i
know fertile ground to commit to make the completely un uh ungrounded claim that like
the government was trying to steal people's semen right and that is the basis of dr jordan b peterson's
fun little freak out on the internet and i will, you should try to find the videos of the automatic sperm extractor,
this amazing Japanese machine,
because it is fascinating.
I think we should share some of these
on the CoolZone account.
Do they have to change?
I assume they have to change the tube.
Yes, they change it every time.
Yeah, because you can't clean that.
If you watch the video,
there's a rubber part that like uh comes out like
like a sea urchin the thing that the penis goes in is also the capture device so it is removed
with this the sperm donation when you take it out um so again this is you know a funny because come
but there's nothing sinister here it's just in the same way that literally everything is, people have like spun it up into a nonsense
thing.
But because of this beautiful, beautiful story, which I hope we've all gotten to enjoy, I
got to do a lot of work on the, some of you, if you've worked in agriculture, you're not
going to be surprised that stealing cum is a massive industry.
There is a lot of money to be made in stealing semen.
There's enough money to be made in stealing semen that there are two
different official terms that I have found for semen theft.
The first is sperm jacking.
How could it get better?
How could it get better than that?
Oh,
it gets better because the second,
the second is spurgling.
Oh my gosh.
These are like professionals who come up with these terms, huh?
These are.
That is a mock term.
They're genius.
There actually is.
I did find in my research there is one actual Chinese-based sperm conspiracy it's just not a very sinister one
there's this chinese businessman uh jesse zhabay zoo um who stole there's this i think it was a
canadian company no it's a u.s company um who had so this is for like bull semen and what one of the
things that you want for bull semen is you don't want, if you're inseminating
cows, you want all of the babies to be female generally, right?
Because bulls are not very, outside of certain specific, if you're like trying to make more
breeders or whatever, if you're in industrial agriculture, you don't want any of the boys,
right?
You just want to keep making those sweet, sweet lady cows that are more useful to you
in a financial sense so there's a us company that developed a method of before
insemination looking through the sperm and like sorting out the sperm that will make uh female
cows um and that is apparently hard to do i mean it sounds like it would be hard to do right um and
this this uh
this chinese businessman was like reverse engineering there it's kind of actually it's
basically the same story as jurassic park um and anyway this guy has has gotten sued for a bunch
of money he got chased down by a herd of velociraptor cattle i hope it works out just as
well as jurassic park yeah it's very funny. I will
say there's a couple of really wild
lines from the CBC
story I found. I'm just going to read one to you.
Zoo's activities
could best be described as Machiavellian.
At various points, he outlined a plan
to make XY, that's the American company,
quote, feel all the time the
sword of Damocles is on their heads.
And Bragg, the law is strong, but the outlaws are 10 times stronger.
Okay.
Okay.
This guy is based.
Look, Jesse Jabezu, my hero, the sperm bandit, incredible sperm jacker, one of the best spurglers
in the business.
This man lives on an island with his cow raptors.
What a hero.
This man lives on an island with his cow raptors.
What a hero.
There was also a case of a Japanese man who illegally took wagyu cattle sperm to China to try to give them sperm.
And the Chinese government immediately caught him and was like,
no, this is actually incredibly dangerous.
You're not allowed to just take animal breeding material into the country without...
Because there's a wide variety of reasons that that could end horribly.
So he got in a shitload of trouble yeah anyway that's my that's my sperm
stories everybody thank you for sharing rub it yeah thank you thank you for spurgling my knowledge
garrison Welcome. I'm Danny Thrill.
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We're back and James is here to talk to us about the kind of sperm jacking that you do when you don't jack. I'm talking about jacking your own sperm by keeping it inside of you.
Semen retention.
Yeah.
How was that, James?
Beautiful, right?
Was that unscripted?
Did you just, like, do that?
Didn't even write that.
Yeah.
Didn't even write that, Garrison.
Yeah.
So on the back of his hand, he had a brainwave at two in the morning,
and he got that down.
Those are the kind of things you can do when you've been podcasting as long as I can.
Robert's been in the cum space for several years.
I've been in those soggy trenches for a long time.
All right, we are, after all, at work, so let me continue.
So I'm going to talk about what happens when you keep your calm inside you uh okay yeah this is a thing that garrison what are we doing today
this is critical journalism we are making content
talking of content let's talk about the content of some Reddit posters.
So what is called the semen retention movement,
and this will shock many of you,
began on Reddit.com.
Oh my God.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, like so many wonderful things.
I feel like if you typed that into your phone,
it would have finished the sentence the same way.
What has auto-directed you to Reddit.com?
Oh, believe me.
We're going to go there, Garrison,
because when you Google sperm retention,
you do indeed find some stuff on Reddit.
All that.
Now, they've spun off from Reddit, right?
They now have their own organization,
which is NoFap.com and nofap.com
is a community centred sexual
health platform I'm using
I'm allowing them to define themselves here I guess
designed to help people overcome porn
addiction and compulsive sexual behaviour
which is not necessarily
like the
this isn't the not all semen
retention as we're going to learn
is is based in helping people overcome addiction to porn uh but uh so far as that is a thing that
people actually have um i know someone was accusing robert of being addicted to porn on uh
on his timeline this weekend that would be because i keep ratioing Jordan Peterson with the pornography video that he
mistakenly posted.
That's correct.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just want him to respond so I can ask him, Jordan, tell me in your own words what you
thought was happening in that video.
I really hope he thinks it's like milking.
Like they have RFID collars and they get fed based on their production level.
That would be great.
Yeah.
What did you... You're a medical doctor.
Did you think that cum actually worked that way?
That you could just stick a sucker on somebody?
Anyway.
Yeah.
Just get it out.
Okay.
So after this movement began on Reddit.com,
it quickly pivoted to kind of offering all kinds of weird physical
and mental health benefits.
And that's where it was adopted by friends of the podcast,
the Proud Boys.
And luckily, we do have a bit of insight into why,
into the exact nature of the no-fap fascism
that the Proud Boys practice, thanks to Kyle Chaney,
who's a Politico reporter, who was reporting on the trial
of one of the Proud Boys accused of sedition on January 6th
called Zach Rell.
That trial, for reasons that
I'm not exactly clear on,
the Proud
Boy, I guess it's like their handbook,
the kind of Proud Boy vibe was introduced,
and into the
record, somebody decided to... Oh yes, it's in there.
Yep. It's in the court record,
buddy, because one of the lawyers decided that it was pertinent to the case somebody oh yes it's in there yep it's in the court record buddy because one of the
lawyers decided that it was pertinent to the case so a proud boy may not ejaculate alone more than
once in every 30 days that means he must abstain from pornography during that time and if he needs
to ejaculate this is really weird it must be within one yard of a woman uh fascinatingly specific
yeah yeah right and i like that they've they've gone with imperial measurements uh with her it must be within one yard of a woman. Fascinatingly specific.
Yeah, yeah, right.
And I like that they've gone with imperial measurements.
With her consent, so that's nice,
the woman may not be a prostitute.
So that's the Proud Boys' nature,
their no-fap fascism.
But I think the way of understanding why some people practice this perhaps best
is to go onto reddit.com.
So I found a post by reddit user u slash monk191817 uh it seems like a nice guy and uh there are 400
480 upvotes on this but what i did was i went to semen retention i looked at uh you know sorted by
popular posts found this one from a bunch of numbers and so this guy has uh nine years of uh experience with
semen retention so i'm just going to read i'm presuming oh boy what a life yeah yeah yeah
him and him and some monks off the coast of fucking lynn's farm that cannot be healthy
no i don't think it is there is and we'll get to this evidence that you shouldn't do this.
So, in his nine years of experience,
he has experienced the following
things. Semen, when retained
in our bodies, has healing, rejuvenating
effects. Loss of semen has the
opposite effects.
This may not be scientifically proven,
but it's proven by experience.
That's a red flag.
That's interesting.
Getting Reddit medical advice.
While attempting any task that demands high physical,
mental, or intellectual abilities,
if we are semen retention powered,
we would actually enjoy the task,
which would otherwise seem dull.
This is called sexual energy transmutation in layman's terms. Oh, no.
Wait, that's the layman's term?
What's the non-layman term?
It's got even more, I have no idea.
Spermazoic fucking fission.
So for peak performance,
it's always necessary to be powered by semen.
It would be best to use semen only for regeneration purposes,
since nature originally intended it for regeneration
and not use it for sexual
purposes apart from to create a child if not serving that purpose master whatever teach
techniques are useful in not letting the seed out while having sex at the end of the day don't let
your seed out like a worthless thing there's more so just contain yourself okay great great which is
exactly the reason why core religions are based on celibacy.
Because opposite of regeneration is degeneration,
which will cause a man to fall into a lower state,
controlled by his lower nature, rather than when he's subduing it.
We should let semen retention be part of our lives,
not something that is done for superpowers.
For superpowers are, in my experience,
the sudden ecstasy that we feel once we transition
from the degenerated to the regenerated state and that will stabilize after some time similar to how a
flight maintains stable altitude after takeoff very similar very similar actually yeah that's
basically the same thing that's that's what you can hear when the uh when the engines are spinning
up it's just a dude trying really hard not to nut and it uh it makes that noise so excited for the next marvel film where
this where the superhero gains his power paul rudd has to not come so he can get tiny no fat man
uh yeah so yeah he didn't i should add that this person confesses to having lapsed uh at some point
in the nine years uh poser poser poser yeah it. Oh, wow. Poser. Yeah, it's stolen.
That's like when I learned Lance Armstrong was on steroids.
It's just disappointing.
Yeah, no one would have seen it coming.
See what I did there?
Okay.
So this person then urges other posters
on the Seema Retention subreddit
to not use streaks to outperform others
or look better about ourselves or bring others down.
The battle with lust is a lifelong fight, and the more we get better at finding victories
yeah yeah buddy the more we become better at finding victories over internal battles the
better we become as high-valued men hell yeah brother i've often wished that you know if the
if the pandemic hadn't been a thing and i could force you all to work in a central location,
I could have like a wall of murals where I put under each of your faces
a quote from an episode that you've participated in.
And James, that would be your quote.
The battle against lust is a lifelong struggle.
Yeah, I'll get some t-shirts knocked up and we can do a fundraiser when we eventually get the
cool sun mini offices but you have a portrait hanging on the wall of each of us with one quote
underneath yeah yeah yeah like on a plaque with a yeah yes yes yeah we get the cool when we when we
when we take over the meta offices three weeks from now yeah there is a marketing company that has been emailing me for about six
months uh telling me how cheap it is to buy a billboard by the side of a road and send a message
to a loved one so maybe great maybe i'll go with the billboard industry's doing banger egg
yeah yeah yeah well it will be until i put my positive messages about controlling lust and holding semen inside our bodies.
True.
And return men to their former glory.
So a lot of the Reddit posts rely on a couple of different studies, right?
One of these studies measured participants, a lot of what they're doing is they're claiming to increase testosterone, right?
Right out the back.
The testosterone does have, as Lance Armstrong can tell you some performance enhancing benefits um sure so yeah uh you know increases your muscle growth your uh
your recovery from exercise all that stuff um one of the studies measured participant
testosterone levels at baseline before masturbation and then uh in 10 minute intervals after
masturbation right uh and then they were asked to abstain for three
weeks and they came back and they did the process again testosterone was higher in the baseline
measurement at the at the end of the three weeks of abstinence right um but the sample size was
pretty small uh and there's some theorizing that the boost was actually caused by the anticipated
masturbation that they were about to do at the second uh it was so ready
to come yeah yeah he's got yeah he's just ready to pop after three weeks uh the second study uh
looked at a 45% increase after a few days seven days of abstinence uh but uh even a study showed
this was a temporary peak that returned to normal even with continuing abstinence so there's there's just these two studies they're pretty uh they were they happened a long time ago
uh we'll post them all in the show notes if you guys want to read more about nofap science
um but we should just point out that there is in fact a multitude of evidence that this is a bad
idea uh that having sex is actually good for you having Having sex while trying not to ejaculate
is probably not good for you.
Probably not good for your relationship either,
one would surmise.
Unless you're into that, whatever, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, if that's your thing, you do you.
There was a study that investigated the motivation
for semen retention among semen retainers.
And a lot of it, it seemed like people were people who felt that like either sex or masturbation was unhealthy or wrong or sinful.
And there is evidence to show that like feeling like guilty about yourself or like living with stress and self-loathing like that is bad for you.
Right. And that will reduce your testosterone level um there's also some evidence to suggest
not ejaculating could give you prostate issues uh which yes um yeah there's there's and this is like
pretty debatable like most things that people talk about in regards to coming and health like
you can find some studies
like the studies on testosterone some of them are kind of sketchy anyway yeah don't think oh come
or come either way um you know it's whatever but if you do have a chance to fuck one of those
alibaba robots i recommend it keep that pass that up let's talk about cum demons hell
yeah wait okay okay hard hard pivot here from so okay we we are not going as far afield
from the no fat people as as as as you would think okay but. But, all right, now, the year is 2020.
Everyone on Earth has collectively gone insane.
This is the summer of 2020.
So this is the part of 2020 where fun stuff is happening.
This is, like, late July.
Oh, Garrison, that's when we met.
So, yeah.
We were getting just incredibly poisoned.
Yeah, we sure were
that'll be fun in like 20 years
well well well life or death
struggle for the sort of the
life or death struggle for the fate of the United
States and whether or not people are going to be
murder by the cops is being waged in the
streets Donald Trump
and Donald J. Trump
J. Trump wow Donald trump jr that one
that's that's that's the trump that i'm looking for here yeah we're you know looking for looking
looking for their their their cure to covet 19 on twitter and okay so as as we probably all
remember right the thing that they found was hydroxyl okay so one of the first ones that
they found before before ivermectin this is this is before they found was hydroxychloroquine So one of the first ones that they found Before ivermectin They found so much shit
Was it inside of them all along?
No, this is hydroxychloroquine
A thing that was probably
I hope they weren't full of hydroxychloroquine
I thought it was semen
We'll get to that
The road is long
But it ends with cum demons
We first must walk the road
So the road.
So the road here is Donald Trump Jr.
posts a tweet saying like this thing.
This is necessary watching about this video from this doctor named Dr.
Stella Emanuele.
Now, who is this person?
She is part of a oh okay i say part of she runs this thing called firepower ministries which oh no so you don't think they're going great um yeah
she's also part of i know broadly yeah okay cool i'm good she's also part of America's frontline doctors who are this group
yeah
these
dipshits oh my god
so this is very
much in the same vein as
architecture 9-11 truth
they found a bunch of people who technically have
medical degrees or like nurses
who were like no no
vaccines are bad and hydroxychloroquine
hydroxychloroquine is well chloroquine covid cork with that one yeah it's it's it's been it's been
it's been a long day i i've slept for eight hours but in like several distinct parts of the day that
were not continuous it's been things are going things are have been better if you'd taken some horse medicine first.
Quite possibly.
I mean, it's not like it could have gone worse.
Yeah, get some cat's money.
All right, all right.
So this person's from the very sketchy doctors
who are trying to sell, like, a bunch of random shit
to cure COVID.
And, okay, so who actually is this person?
She is from Cameroon.
And
Dr. Stella
Emanuele was caught up in
the unbelievably
sort of...
Yes, objectively right-wing,
also very, very weird
wave of Pentecostalism
and charismatic Christianity that's been sweeping across that part of Africa as part of sort of, you know, sort of like a very sort of long range of coordinated effort by right wing Christian missionaries.
very well the pentecostals and the charismatic christians are like firmly in the very very weird camp of christians like these are these are people who do faith healing um one of the very common
sort of pentecostal things is this belief that like like you just you talk to god like god's in
your head and you just have conversation with him now unfortunately for like all of us and this is
you know what a thing that is a not insignificant contributing factor to why the last i don't know 10 years have been
so batshit is that like this this originally was kind of an isolated pentecostal thing and like
the broader evangelicals were like no no god only talks to me like your pastor like he's probably
not like you're you're not like having a conversation in your head with but that's
changed that's changed yeah That's changed, yeah.
This shit has fucking taken over
everywhere. It's really bad.
And these people
believe a lot of very, very weird stuff.
So, what do...
I mean, okay, so she has
some of the sort of standard
really, really hardline
David Icke shit.
She believes that the world's being run by aliens
and like reptiles and yeah like the the vaccine has like alien dna in it to like take over your
you know this is like sort of kind of facebook moments alex jones shit yeah right okay but
okay i'm gonna read this quote from will sumner this is a a quote from one of her sermons.
They, which is demons,
are responsible for serious gynecological problems, Emmanuel
said. We call them all
kinds of names. Entromesius?
Entromesius. We call them
molar pregnancies. We call them fibroids.
We call them cysts. But most
of them were evil deposits from
spirit husband, Emmanuel
said of the medical issues.
Yes!
Yes!
No!
They are responsible for miscarriages, impotence,
men that can't get it up.
So, all right, immediately, we have, like,
there are several kinds of cum demons here
that we're dealing with.
So there are, like, there's, okay, so
a lot of this is drawn from what is a very, like, a genuinely unbelievably dubious piece of theology.
So when I was researching this, right, I saw someone, there was like a religious scholar who was writing this.
He was like, oh, I immediately recognized the theology of this.
This is from Genesis 6.
So, okay, so I was like, okay, what the fuck are they talking about? So I went back This is from Genesis 6. So, okay, so I was like,
okay, what the fuck are they talking about? So I went
back and I read Genesis. Okay, so I
went back and I read the Genesis, and I'm going
to read the two...
This is from Genesis chapter 6, verses 1
and 2, and I am just going to
read these two sentences, and
I am going to see if you two can produce
cum demons from this. Okay.
Happy to do so. I mean, two can produce cum demons from this. Okay. Happy to do so.
I mean, I could produce cum demons from almost anything.
That is the power.
With the right machinery.
You know what?
I think we know exactly what the right machinery is.
Look, we know that we can produce cum demons mechanically.
Our challenge here is to produce them theologically.
Okay. I'll try. I will here is to produce them theologically. Okay.
I'll try. I will
use all of my occult knowledge.
We must find a way to evacuate
the past deference of the soul.
Okay, so
I'm using the King James translation because
that's the translation that all these psychos use.
And it came to
pass when men began to multiply
in the face of the earth and daughters were born unto them that the sons of god saw the daughters
of man that they were fair and they took them wives of all which they chose okay so i i do know
i i do know what what they are doing so the sons of god those would be what like fallen angels that
have been procreating with women.
Yeah, the Nephilim.
Yeah.
So this ties into
the Book of Enoch stuff,
which was made a little bit
after Genesis,
but it retconned
a lot of the creation story.
So I can see
where they're pulling
come demons from,
but it is a bit of a stretch.
Yeah, you could say cum demons
in the way that God seed...
Yeah, you could see it.
It is a stretch.
My analysis of it is
I think they're pulling
this out of their ass.
I think they're pulling this out of their ass.
It's also about
cum demons.
This is so big.
Just like... It is it's also about cum demons so yeah this is so big I have it is well known for people who follow me on twitter
that I have an immense and powerful disrespect
for theology but
what part of the
sons of god
what part of that gets you
to demons and not
isn't the whole point of christianity
that we are all god's children is this not a thing gets you to demons and not like because again isn't isn't the whole point of christianity that
we are all god's children like isn't it is this not a thing that they tell you in every single
fucking how do you read that and not think they're talking about people and immediately jump to come
demon like here's what's going on i i could i could explain this because this is the king's
james version so this was made in a post-Book of Enoch world. Around
the alleged birth of Jesus, the Book of Enoch got very popular. And this introduced the idea
of a fallen angel. The fallen angel isn't really in the Bible at all. It's only in non-biblical
Abrahamic texts. So this idea then kind of got planted into a lot of like catholic mythology as well so when they're
they're caused they have a distinction between like this like the sons of like the sons of god
versus um what was the what was the thing they used to refer to refer to the daughters
the sons of the daughters of men exactly so the daughters are human where the the the sons are
like came from god so that is some type of fallen angel
that has been cast down to earth
they are doing a
specific thing but it's
a result of a whole bunch of like mistranslations
and a whole bunch of various
like Christian and Gnostic
texts that have been misinterpreted for
thousands of years by the Catholic Church and it creates
a really weird theology that is
indistinguishable from like castlevania so yeah i i blame martin luther this is martin luther's
fault like the catholics were doing this here's the thing here's the thing may i was to keep it
in high latin so the proles can't understand this this is this is what martin luther i specifically
because okay so this was already happening the catholic church was already doing this right but
martin luther had a chance to fix this shit.
And he was like, do you know what I'm going to do instead of that?
I am going to turn against the peasant revolt, and I'm going to bring about a level of anti-Semitism that is going to allow me to outflank the Inquisition on the right.
He could have been fixing this bullshit.
No, anti-Semitismism woo i gotta keep my
patron lords in power he was he was german like there's only so much you can ask that's true
yeah well i'm i'm happy that we can all go to sleep at night worrying about the sons of god
implanting semen oh there's also the only thing i ever think okay so that okay that's that's come demon type type one right that is okay so those
are those are the demons that like they they have they have sex with women and they produce nephilim
from or sometimes also you get fucked by nephilim there's there's a lot of sort of conflicting sort
of theological all that stuff comes from the book of enoch all that stuff is non-canon to
the modern bible but it's where it's where it comes from fucking council of nicaea okay but there's also there's also a second there's also the second
kind of cum demon right which is these are these these are well okay so succubi and incubi are
based here we go i knew it i was counting down i was counting down you had faith yeah the the other
kind of of demon so you you have your
incubi right who are another type of sex demon and the incubi fuck men so they can steal their semen
and there's there's there's you know there's some different sort of reasons of this there's
another thing that she talks about which is that um there are witches who have like astral spirit
sex with men in their sleep and if you're like having a sex dream it's because you're having actual spirit sex oh no no yeah i mean like i'm like bill murray i've experienced that
oh we know that was bill murray sorry i my mistake i get our lives mixed up often
oh wait that's understandable yes okay okay the the cloud the the fog is clearing i've i've had
i've had sex with too many sex demons it's a real issue so we have the sex demons
who are trying to impregnate you
we have the sex demons who are trying to steal your cum
we also have the actual
projecting witches
and the actual projecting witches are trying to
steal people's cum as part of an Illuminati
plot to create an even more powerful
witch and the even more powerful witch
is going to use gay marriage and children's
toys to like
destroy the fabric of western civilization
and thus bring about sort of
general new world order
etc etc etc. I have heard of this
inside some of my witch meetings yeah
that is not as far
from the backstory to Warhammer
40,000 as it should be
that's very sadly
true. I didn't want Warhammer 40,000
to come into our come episode, if I'm honest.
No,
I mean, look, there's a lot of people
who are interested in both semen retention
and Warhammer 40,000.
That's a tight
Vendahic ramp.
They all play Ultramarines.
That was a
pretty good Warhammer 40,000 joke
for those of you who play.
I also learned a couple days ago
that one of the many crimes of the Emperor 40K
was passing off an Amiri Bakara quote as his own.
Oh, yeah.
That was a good bit.
That was a really good bit.
It's little pieces like that
that let you know that Dan Abnett's
pretty based.
Yeah.
That was my favorite part of the book.
So funny.
That's literally canon.
I do have like three pages written on
testicle tanning.
That's the end of the sex demons.
Go off. the one thing i
will add on is that one of the more funny modern versions of these if you go on the benadryl
subreddit the recreational benadryl subreddit you can find people who try to take enough benadryl
to have sex with the hat man which is another another form of trying to summon shadow people
to steal your semen
you have to explain your terms for people here
the hat man
is a tall thin man wearing a hat
who appears when you take hallucinogenic doses of Benadryl
because you can't afford better drugs because you're 17
or younger
some people find the hat man extremely attractive drill because you can't afford better drugs because you're 17 yes we're younger and there's
some people that's the hat man some people find the hat man extremely attractive or some of like
the female shadow people variants and they try to they i have i have read multiple reports of
people explaining their sexual experiences with shadow people anyways the president of the united
states and his son were promoting this, so this is great.
This website, by the way, absolute adventures on here.
I'm just reading about how to use Christ's blood as a weapon.
Amazing.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah, yeah. No problems here. Yeah.
Do you know who won't steal your semen, everybody?
We can't promise that.
I can. I can promise.
Any advertiser on this show I've personally approved
to make sure they will not come into
your bedroom and steal your semen.
Wow. How do you do it?
How does the approval process work instead of interest?
I cannot
divulge private... They sent Garrison
$40.
Welcome. I'm Danny Trejo.
Won't you join me at the fire and dare enter?
Nocturnal Tales from the Shadows, presented by iHeart and Sonora.
An anthology of modern day horror stories inspired by the legends of Latin America.
From ghastly encounters with shapeshifters to bone-chilling brushes with supernatural creatures.
I know you.
Take a trip and experience the horrors that have haunted Latin America since the beginning of time.
Listen to Nocturnal Tales from the Shadows as part of my Cultura podcast network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Hit play on the sex-positive and deeply entertaining podcast, Sniffy's Cruising Confessions.
Join hosts Gabe Gonzalez and Chris Patterson Rosso as they explore queer sex, cruising,
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You can listen to Sniffy's Cruising Confessions, sponsored by Gilead,
now on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Thursday.
Hi, I'm Ed Zitron, host of the Better Offline podcast, and we're kicking off our second season
digging into how Tex Elite has turned Silicon Valley into a playground for billionaires.
From the chaotic world of generative AI to the destruction of Google search,
Better Offline is your unvarnished and at times unhinged look at the underbelly of tech from an industry veteran with nothing to lose.
This season, I'm going to be joined by everyone from Nobel winning economists to leading journalists in the field.
And I'll be digging into why the products you love keep getting worse and naming and shaming those responsible.
Don't get me wrong, though. I love technology. I just hate the people in charge and want them
to get back to building things that actually do things to help real people. I swear to God,
things can change if we're loud enough. So join me every week to understand what's happening in
the tech industry and what could be done to make things better.
Listen to Better Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, wherever else you get your podcasts.
Check out betteroffline.com.
We are going to close off by talking about sperm and testosterone,
two of our favorite topics for this episode for some reason.
About a year ago, a trailer on Fox News dropped for a new batch of Tucker Carlson originals
titled The End of Men.
It opens with the text that reads,
In the current year, the cycle continues.
Once a society collapses, then, you're in hard times. Well, hard iron sharpens iron,
as they say. And those hard times inevitably produce men who are tough, men who are resourceful, men who are strong
enough to survive.
And then they go on to reestablish order.
And so the cycle begins again.
Now, there's a few funny things about this video, from the ripped shirtless dudes milking
cows to wrestling each other
and shooting bottles of canola oil.
At the gun range they're just shooting like 10 bottles of canola oil for some reason.
Maybe they're into the Mussolini stuff.
He was a big fan of canola oil.
By far the most bizarre.
I suspect they're shooting the canola because it's like a seed
oil thing they think that like seed oh yeah right wing thing it's like sucking out your
testosterone anyway it's something very silly but by far the most bizarre thing in this trailer
is a shot of a naked man with outstretched arms like jesus on the cross style standing in front of a lake at dusk with a white
machine shining a glowing
red light on his dick
what
and again
at the climax
of the music from 2001 a space odyssey
there's this there's this
man facing balls first
in front of this large red light
at the end of this trailer
I
there should never have been any cause on our
podcast or on Fox News
for anyone to say the line
after the end of the climax
of the music from 2001 A Space
Odyssey
oh that's the thing we're objecting
to from this episode that's the line
yeah
because it shouldn't have climaxed it lost its power in that moment Oh, that's the thing we're objecting to from this episode? That's the line? Yeah.
Because it shouldn't have climaxed.
It lost its power in that moment.
Considering both like the... No, no, no.
One sec, James.
That was a very good joke.
Thank you.
Thank you for seeing me, buddy.
Yeah.
So considering both like the text at the beginning
and then some of the narration that we just heard in the trailer,
they're kind of doing this weird like Kali Yuga thing, right?
That is a bit of what's going on here.
quasi-apocalyptic concept that evolved during an intermix
between some of the early Nazis
and some of the people who are currently
behind the present
leader of India. It's way too
esoteric and weird to get into, but
it's one of the things that the real...
The real fucked up Nazis
like it. We're not going to get
into it too much, but I think
the previous November... It's unsettling
that it wound up adjacent to a Tucker Carlson episode,
because it's some weird esoteric Nazi wizard shit.
Yes.
And that previous November, Joe Rogan posted a Kali Yuga meme, which went viral.
It's about how hard times create strong men, which create good times,
which lead to weak men, which create hard times.
It's a fucking silly,
uh,
his,
his,
his,
the,
uh,
the accompanying text on the Instagram post that,
that Rogan did said civilizations move in predictable cycles.
We are in the Kali Yuga,
the age of conflict.
All of the chaos we're seeing right now was predicted in Hinduism thousands of
years ago.
Unquote.
So Rogan was probably just like parroting something that
he heard from one of his many fashy or new agey friends which considering rogan's social circle
that could very well just be the same person yes yeah one of his fucking sparring buddies is either
friends with a nazi or just stumbled upon a fucking the wrong podcast and then told him that when they
were smoking weed and you know,
that's,
I mean,
that's honestly too.
It's problematic because of his platform,
but that's how I learned everything about esoterica that I learned when I
was in my twenties was some,
I was smoking weed with some sketchy dude who was going places.
You shouldn't have been on the internet.
So a few months after Rogan posted this meme,
we have Tucker Carlson making this whole mini-series surrounding this hard times create strong men kind of trend.
It's taking cues from the online manosphere, and Tucker posited that weak, unmanly men are leading to the collapse of civilization, and a hardening of men is necessary to save it.
and a hardening of men is necessary to save it.
According to Tucker, one of the threats to manhood is a quote-unquote total collapse in testosterone levels
amongst men in recent years.
And the solution goes beyond just your typical
like anti-soy crusading that Tucker has done in the past.
Now, Tucker has turned to the cutting-edge science
of bromeopathic medicine as advocated
as advocated for by a quote-unquote fitness professional named andrew mcgovern who touts
that infrared light uh and testicle tanning is this deus ex machina for plummeting T levels in men.
So obviously half the viewers right now are like, what? That's testicle tanning? That's crazy.
But my view is, OK, testosterone levels crash and nobody says anything about it.
That's crazy. So why is it crazy to seek solutions?
It's not crazy to seek solutions. And I think I was recently exposed to a term called bromeopathy.
And I think there's a lot of people out there right now that don't trust the mainstream information.
This TV special is constantly referred to as a documentary.
So surely you would expect Tucker to try and interview interview scientists or like anyone with expertise on this topic.
No, of course not.
Actually, no, no, no one expects to talk to anyone serious.
Andrew McGovern are our bromeopathic hero works as a personal trainer at Lifetime Fitness in Columbus, Ohio.
Oh, my God.
And he hasn't even been a trainer for very long.
About a decade ago.
Not even a good one.
About a decade ago,
he was the manager of an Abercrombie & Fitch store in Miami.
Oh, perfect.
Yes.
Okay.
Now, that's where I get all of my prescriptions from,
is a guy who works at the Abercrombie and Fish store.
But in Miami.
Hey, if you want to get trim,
that's where you get trim.
Yeah, that is
that type of dude is emerging
here. As of 2017, he
was the director of operations for
Petland Retail Stores.
Stop!
This is getting funnier.
This guy's resume is highly amusing.
But Tucker, being a competent journalist,
did not just interview one person, however.
Kid Rock was brought on to be the sole voice of reason.
You know, Garrison, you laugh,
but Kid Rock is the other person I've gotten prescription drugs from.
Real bastion in the platonic cave of men stands Kid Rock and a guy from Abercrombie & Fitch.
And we must only be their shadows.
Dude, stop testicle tanning. Come on.
I mean, I haven't heard anything that good in a long time.
Open your mind, Bobby.
I'm starting a punk rock band and it's called testicle tanning. That's the end of it.
I mean, don't you think at this point when so many of the therapies, the paths they've told us to take have turned out to be dead ends that have really hurt people?
Why wouldn't open minded people seek new solutions?
I don't know what the hell is going on in this world.
I'm not even sure if I understood that question,
but some days I just want to stop this planet and let me off.
Kid Rock did not buy into testicle tanning the same way Tucker seemed to.
Oh, God, is Kid Rock going to be the voice of reason?
That's what I said.
I said he was brought on to be the sole voice of reason.
Yeah, but we thought you were joking
because it's Kid Rock.
I thought you were joking.
I didn't believe you.
No, he's the only person that doesn't buy it.
Kid Rock stands with science.
It is indeed sweet home Alabama all summer long.
Tucker was not the first person to advocate
for testicular tanning as the solution
to an allegedly problematic
dip in testosterone levels dating back to 2015 you can find articles online such as quote former
mlb player gabe capler says men who want to get stronger should tan their testicles from complex
and quote i put a giant red light on my balls to triple my testosterone levels from immense health
2017 is that written by Ben Greenfield
by any chance? Because he normally pops up
with these things. Which one?
The Men's Health one.
It's a guy who injects his own
dick to make it bigger. I have
it in my show notes here. This was written by
someone named Ben Greenfield.
Oh, look at that!
Fucking jackpot!
Wow, this bellend has won it.
James, so proud of you today, buddy.
I'm so happy we have you on our team.
James, are you taking performance-enhancing drugs for this podcast?
Sadly, Robert, I'm not.
This is so funny.
We have stepped into a goldm mine of contact with Ben Greenfield,
the guy who injected his own dick with stem cells to make it bigger.
That's so funny.
Oh, man.
I urge you, I compel you, if you have any free time in your day,
just Google Ben Greenfield penis.
There will be several articles at supposedly reputable outlets
that will just fucking make you unwell.
Well, that is great
to hear but despite not being the first person to talk about testicular uh tanning tucker was
certainly the most impactful um after the airing of the end of men testicular tanning showed a
7 000 increase in relative search interest on google and a 30 35 000 increase in tweets on the topic now surely
some of these things are stuff like what are some like making fun of it right the tweets i'm sure is
a lot yeah but a lot of it is also a lot of it's also people who are just talking about it genuinely
um yeah to quote a study published in a jmir a dermatology publication quote the promotion of
testicular tanning
generated significant public interest
in an evidence-lacking
and potentially dangerous health trend.
Dermatologists and other healthcare professionals
should be aware of these new viral health trends
to best counsel patients
and combat health misinformation, unquote.
So, like, in terms of actual data,
a 2017 meta-analysis of studies on sperm counts found that in North America, Europe, Australia, and New Zealand, men's sperm counts have declined by about 50% between 1973 and 2011.
Now, these results have not been enough to really cause broad concern unless you're like a right-wing influencer for men because there doesn't really seem to be an equal drop in testosterone levels.
Um,
compared to previous problems mankind has had on the whole,
not enough semen per cum shot is not one of them.
Yes.
And,
and like compared to previous decades,
there is this,
uh,
maybe like a 20% decrease in total testosterone levels amongst adolescent
and young adult males,
but that's highly fluctual and it's impacted heavily by diet uh it's it's suspected that pollution environmental degradation
are also suspected of being contributing factors with uh plastics like uh thylite uh being known
to interfere with the production of hormones like testosterone uh but this this area of research is
still heavily contested um but still, that has not stopped fitness
YouTubers and conservative influencers
from tying this to the
soy boy feminization of men
and drumming up panic to grow their social
media followings, sell their supplements, and
advertise affiliate products.
The creme de la creme of red
lights for testicular tanning is
the Juve light.
Juve is a light therapy panel company which sells these leds um they're like this they're like this upscale wellness brand um
the smallest model they have costs over a thousand dollars with the full body ones going for around
10 grand okay this is when you know it's a grift.
If someone is telling you that they need to sell you sunlight,
they are having a fucking laugh.
Our friend Ben Greenfield advocates, quote,
advocates that you spend the big bucks on juve,
lest you, quote, fry your balls to a crisp with a cheap knockoff.
You wouldn't want to do that, would you?
Sounds like this is unwise.
Yeah, it seems like it's maybe a bad idea.
I can teach you how to cook your balls safely without spending any money at all.
Get a pair of AA batteries.
Take them right out of your remote control.
You stick the active end
in a bottle of water, and then you put
your hand on your testicles.
And it'll complete the circuit
and power your testicles up
with electricity, which you can then
ejaculate instead of cum.
They'll probably give you superpowers too.
Almost certainly, Garrison.
Legally, this is not a recommendation to do this.
If you do this, that shit's not on us.
You did that of your own volition.
Please do not connect batteries to your dick.
To quote that JMIR study evaluating the public's interest in testicular tanning,
quote,
Men's sexual health and hormone replacement or hormone enhancing therapies receive in the U.S.
Although subsequent media coverage largely disfavored testicular tanning due to lacking evidence of potential dangers,
other health influencers came to defend and encourage the practice of testicular tanning, specifically by using UV light.
As an example, here is a clip from fitness YouTuber Elliot Hulsey's strength camp with 1.7 million followers.
Blast your balls with sunshine to increase testosterone.
Now you can drop your drawers and let your balls get kissed by the sun.
Or you can try one of these light panels to roast my nuts and be more manly.
A 1939 study suggests that UV light exposure to your testicles increases testosterone by 200%.
If you want to join me in this experiment,
you can find one of these bad boys at cozyhealth.com.
Then just go to personallabs.com,
get your blood tested, get your testosterone.
Then after eight to 12 weeks,
check it again and find out if the nut rusting really works.
So this whole idea goes back to this one 1939 study.
1939?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lots of good science in 1939, man.
And if there's one thing I trust, it's science from 1939.
Yep.
Got any comments on race in this study?
So this study was published in the journal Endocrinology,
and it found that frequent UV irritation to the genitals increased urinary androsterone,
a metabolite of testosterone.
It increased these levels by nearly 200%, quote unquote.
Now, you'll be shocked to learn that there may be problems with this study.
Guess how many test subjects were included in this study?
I'm going to be generous and say eight.
So Mia says eight.
James?
Ben Greenfield, just one.
One.
You say one.
Robert, how many do you think are in this study?
Geez, I think like seven was sacred to the Nazis, so I'm going to say that.
Five.
A grand total of five people are in this study.
Wow, I gave them too much credit.
They had to pick the sacred Discordian number.
Bullshit. Three of them
are 54 years old
and have manic depressive psychosis.
The other two
are 28. Honestly,
not a bad, not a
fairly representative sample
for Tucker's audience.
I was about to say the same thing.
This is actually who watches his show.
The other two are 28 and 45
and have a quote,
psychopathia with depressive features,
which is a very old,
old timey term.
Everyone on Twitter,
et cetera, et cetera.
But I think what actually happened is
I think they did this study at an asylum
and just found people with depressive psychosis to do the study on.
It's just these five random people.
No individual graft results were produced.
It only showed the quote-unquote typical reaction.
And there wasn't even a control group for the study.
Well, that's why I bought that one. It was good science.
Why bought that?
Not to mention, there's many problems with, like, measuring
testosterone in the first place, because it changes
broadly day to day, and by age, and it's
very kind of unreliable.
To quote the JMIR study
again, quote, beyond this questionable
study, research has shown that exposure
to UV radiation may increase
sex steroid hormone levels.
However, these studies either
do not include human participants
or do not specifically evaluate UV
radiation exposure to the genitals.
There is not a single
other study since then that has
done anything resembling
peer-reviewed science.
You know what?
Why? Everybody,
go to GoFundMe.
Help CoolZone
determine whether or not testicle tanning
works, and we'll get that control
group.
My other question about this,
aren't all these people getting fucking
ball cancer?
We are about to get to that. yes you may think that shining uv lights
on your balls might have some long-term problems yeah it's great that lance almsdoran's come back
to the episode again so uh vice interviewed seth cohen a urologist and the director of the sexual
dysfunction program at nyu Langdon health quote,
I'm not aware of any science or data or any journal publications proving that
red light therapy improves male testosterone and quote,
we change recommendations on medical therapies based on a double blind
placebo controlled randomized trials,
large studies with thousands of patients.
That's where you'll find if there's any really statistical significance
between red light therapy and a placebo.
Could these men who underwent red light therapy
and came out and felt stronger and more manly,
could that have been a placebo effect?
Of course it could, unquote.
So, and as Mia mentioned,
we have not really even gotten
into the potential dangers yet.
Close direct heat to your testicles
actually damages sperm count
on top of the risk
of giving yourself bowel cancer by
blasting concentrated UV light
on your genitals for 20 minutes a day
every day of the week, which is what is
recommended.
To quote
that study one last time,
quote, research shows
that excessive exposure to UV radiation may lead to higher rates of genital tumor formation and decreased sperm counts as spermogenesis is temperature dependent.
Thus, given the current obsession with optimizing male hormone levels, the high cost of red light therapy, and misleading, labeling of testicular tanning by prominent influencers.
There may be an increase in men exposing themselves to UV radiation and
developing associated complications.
Unquote.
Great.
Heroic.
So almost done here,
but man,
uh,
it's pretty,
it's pretty funny that all of the worst people you know are going to get
ball cancer.
Don't stop them.
Yeah. I people you know are gonna get ball cancer don't stop them yeah i you know there was a period of time in my life when i'd said where i would never wish cancer on anybody but if you
are deliberately exposing your testicles for the sun and to the sun in the hope of getting super
powers because of nazi science it's okay it's it's okay like i'm i'm not gonna mourn that to be fair that i the 1939 study was from
the united states so it couldn't possibly don't be not i'm talking about the other nazi science
oh yes yes yeah yeah yeah well yeah um and i think i i think a part of this whole narrative
of like the total collapse of men's testosterone levels, as as Tucker puts it, man, I fucking wish.
Yeah, my life's so much easier.
But I think this is more about men in power feeling that they're positioned of assumed superiority is being threatened.
Really, all of our quack science and conspiracy theory stories today all revolve around this like subliminal dog whistle.
It's no mistake that tucker titled
his program the end of men in all the stories we're covering today it is the fear of emasculation
that is the hook used to drum up fear and anger about how liberal feminism is eroding manhood
it targets some of young men's sexual insecurities while promoting this like anti-woke return to the
old ways of rugged masculinity.
Yeah, I might add, because I think you're missing one aspect of it.
I think you're identifying what he's signaling to his listeners and what they get out of it.
But I also think that what he and the other folks who are kind of in positions of power
and influence in the right get out of this, because they're not, they don't believe this.
They're not actually motivated by that no what what this is and what because because we we do not know
specifically why like testosterone rates may be lower white sperm counts are definitely lower but
it likely has to do with a massive variety of industrial pollutants in the environment
and with the fact that industrial agriculture and the process nature of a lot of our foods is having a negative impact on all these things.
Like it's it's consequences of capitalism. Right. And because the consequences are getting increasingly hard to ignore.
The thing that people like that need to do is find either a cure for them or another way to blame or another thing to blame them on. Right. And so if
the aspect, the things that are horribly unhealthy about the society that we have built is causing
men to suffer consequences in their bodies. The thing to do on the right is to blame that shit
on the liberals emasculating men. And the solution is whatever kind of shit we can sell you. Right.
emasculating men and the solution is whatever kind of shit we can sell you, right? Like that's what's going on here. That's the motivation. And it happens outside of like man shit too. Like that's
all the right has anymore. Like their economic theories have been proven disastrously wrong.
They have no actual ability to govern in a meaningful way other than by causing harm to
people. So it's entirely about taking the consequences of the world that they advocate
and blaming them on someone else and selling you snake oil to deal with it.
Yeah, exactly.
And so that is most of the testicular tanning fun that I got into this morning.
We haven't even covered all the things that Ben Greenfield did to his dick in 2017.
We'll get back on this subject, but it is time for us to end.
This is already over an hour.
So I want to leave you all, all of you, all of you beautiful.
First, I want to thank all of our beautiful correspondents for their research.
And I want to leave all of you with this simple piece of advice.
If you feel like your testicles aren't getting enough solar radiation, simply purchase a glass cutter and an old microwave.
Cut a circular hole in the microwave and bag it while it's on.
You'll be OK.
That is our legally binding health advice.
That's the end of the episode.
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