It’s Wednesday My Dudes - 113: Soft Humsters

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

Bryan enlightens us with some disgusting science facts, and the Boyos discuss killing Victorian era children....Rate us 5 stars on Spotify! and leave a review and rate on Apple Podcasts!Links here to follow on social media! and find other places to listen!

And here we go. So, you know, in science, you need to do a bunch of tests on like human embryos, because that's like one of the stages of going from like animals to human testing is embryo testing. But obviously, that's kind of like ethically weird, because like, how do you make a human embryo and then like kill it off right away? So is apparently a way around that that I've read today that is psychopathic and Very very very strange. So I sent you a link Brian solves abortion. Is this where we're going? More like scientists create way worse version of abortion. Why would you do this?

Food. Food. Food. Yeah, I want food. Food. So to test a human embryo that is close enough for these tests to work, but for there not to be ethical reasons that are bad, you can take a hamster's egg and a human sperm and apparently works the caveat is it dies like before it'll ever multiply but you could still test it once it's like fertilized which is still

insane that like that's that's more chill than like doing it like with a human and then killing it one before it replicates to two cells i don't i don't i don't get it i've got nothing to contribute to this i've got nothing to contribute we can move on i forfeit i forfeit i forfeit my time yeah it's very it's just gross man it's just fucking gross how is this legal but we found out cannibalism isn't illegal i know yeah we did zach uh we did find that out yesterday by the way in case you're wondering oh cannibal wait what yeah cannibalism is not illegal there's just it's very hard to be a cannibal without breaking the law prior to being a cannibal is what we found out specifically

cannibalism is nowhere listed as a crime yeah okay so you basically have to eat yourself or find willing people to give you their body parts no so because when we read the definition of you think right uh cannibalism is defined as the consumption of another human's body matter whether consensual or not in the united states there are no laws against cannibalism per se but most if not all states have enacted laws that indirectly make it impossible to legally obtain and consume the matter no matter the consent so even if someone said kill me and eat me, you can't. Because you can't legally hold it. Body dismemberment is also a law. You can't dismember a body.

Murder is pretty not chill. What about full roast luau style? I actually think there was a clause that said if you had a lay on, then it's technically not cannibalism. It's just a fun party and then yeah very legal there's a workaround was this the food one is this indirectly the food no this was just this was our sunday night because i don't like this one either oh i mean we can go past the uh the one i said before i gotta at least give them the name of it it's called a hamster love that combination of human and hamster uh i saw it on reddit today and i just had to bring it up i'm

sorry guys okay we can do food because that's gross really dumb uh there's nothing i hate more than hard butter i just had to say like uh why do you use do you do you have like one of those butter containers for like the counter because if not, you've got a great secret Santa gift. Have you not made biscuits before, though? Hard butter is essential in good biscuit making. Yeah, but just buy the butter when you're going to make biscuits. If you go to someone's house and they're like, do you have butter? And they're like, sure.

And they're like, there's a frozen stick of it in the freezer or something. Like, no. Who's putting butter in a freezer, my guy? Do people store it? I'm pretty sure it's the fridge it's just it could be cold if you have butter you have to have soft butter at least or soft and hard you can't just have hard butter or you have some decorum it's 2023 we need soft butter in every household that's my my platform I'm running on when I'm president. So are you saying by soft butter, I assume you just mean you need a container of butter out?

Or are you saying there's a different setting somewhere for your fridge? Like, what are you talking about? Butter that comes in like the sticks usually isn't like soft. Oh, you're spreadable butter. Yeah. Yeah. That's what he's trying to say. Yeah.

I'm like, soft butter is not a thing. It's just spreadable butter, my guy. That soft butter if you need soft butter you're better off getting margarine i mean also delicious you could gonna kill it country crushes dude a table crunchy crock is the best butter subs like country crock goes better on bread it goes better on noodles it goes better on literally anything you could think except for baking you obviously can't bake but that's what regular butter is for and you don't need and you only need them to be soft when you're making cookies i mean even then just throw it in it'll figure itself out in the oven you put all the ingredients in there they'll figure it out

it's just it's just rude to have hard butter you have a lot of do you have a lot of run-ins with this situation i know like this sounds like this sounds like every day like normal occurrence it sounds like you just need to take your butter out of your fridge bro or tommy's just been hiding all the butter yeah tommy keeps putting it in the freezer on accident i wouldn't be surprised if he did it but no it's more just like i hate it so much If it happens to me once in a year, I feel like I'm going to remember it. Hey, you hide it great. I didn't realize you hated it this much. Did something happen recently?

Or was this just like a shower thought? Just like fucking hard butter, man. I need to write that down. And that was it? Or like what happened? I was dog sitting for Mike and I couldn't find any butter other than like a hard stick of butter. And I was like, oh, this is way too much any butter other than like a hard stick of butter. And I was like, oh, this is way too much.

What were you using it for? Did you ask the dog bread? Oh, no, I did not ask the dog if she had any hidden. Just like butter toast. I mean, it's their house, you know. She's got she's got her own little corner, I think. A trick that Brian's going to hate that I know because don't say much i mean well yeah you could do that but also you can grade it i know brian's gonna hate it but like you could do that am i gonna work fine to spread it grading it it's grading it is a hundred

times more effort than like doing this shit where you have the toast and you're like just scraping the bread like and murdering it with the hard butter. You just. Grating is so much more work. Grating is harder than that? It's so much more work. How. Like what are you doing to hold it and then just go like that?

And then it's just like. I have to grate it in there. Then I have to take it. I have to spread it. And then what do you have to do? And then you have to clean it. And then what do you have to do? Have you cleaned graters?

They're fucking miserable to clean. Put it in your dishwasher my guy. They're horrible to clean. What are you doing? What. I can't. guys are like this you guys are just uh not advanced enough to be even using utensils just take the butter unwrap it and then just rub that shit on the bread or that utensils then just destroy the bread no it's toasted you're good yeah no get some heartier bread get some sourdough in that bitch yeah step your bread game up my guy yeah or i could solve this problem just get some soft butter

come on everybody i i hate that you keep saying like soft butter like because it isn't is it not isn't the name not called like spreadable butter like butter spread like it's a spread what's what's the other butter called not spreadable butter i think it spread. Like it's a spread. But what's the other butter called? Not spreadable butter? I think it's like room temperature butter. Like I don't think it's like... Every butter is spreadable if you want it to be. No. Welcome to It's Wednesday,

my dudes, where we debate the most intense, important topics in the current world. We go back to hamsters, but you guys know. Give me the conventional, what was it uh i mean we go back to humsters but you guys give me the give me the conventional what was it the everyday item one now give me the can i want the third topic i want to do them all before we we can't burn through all of these oh no we're doing right now we run it back no we got i got a list of things you guys bring very small amounts of ideas to the table. I got to keep it.

From yesterday, I'll ask Zach because I asked Burn and Corey this yesterday. Zach, do you ever just fuck around and just have a bread? I hate this. Do you ever just a straight up piece of bread or a bagel with nothing on it? Literally just grip a bread, throw it down the gullet and call it a day?

Nothing makes me feel better than when I'm hungover on a Sunday morning. I walk in a whole guy i walk into whole foods marianos give me the freshest french uh french bread loaf you got i'll take the irish butter it's different and then i'll just scrape it on what do you mean you just have like no no no no no no no no no yeah you got a raw dog that's a caveat here um i'm talking like you don't do anything to it i'm talking you open a bag of bread take a piece of bread in your hand and then just eat it immediately yes okay cool you see i'm not the craziest uh i'm gonna pause though because eating the bread dude fuck you you can't turn to zach for like food food like activities that make sense like food habits that make sense

like that's gonna that makes your argument worse i think if zach agrees with weird scenarios here because burns agreeing with you but burn hates every single food take you ever make i know this is very it's just we're in the scales are all weird weird territory we're in the upside down it's what it feels like hey i love having a bread man it's the best having a bread do you ever like ball it up as much as you possibly can and then like eat bites out of the ball and then throw it at a nerd no you eat the ball at once like a normal person yeah i i ate the i i used to do it all the time when i was a young a little young blood um yeah, I was just like fucking one little motion down the gullet. I was not sitting there munching into it. I was really hoping you were saying you're going to eat some balls,

but you really worked your way around that. The reason why I was stuttering and shit, because I was thinking of all the terrible things, the terrible ways I could have phrased that come on um just like zach we need your opinion because we talked about this for like 40 minutes already yesterday it doesn't take that much more effort to just throw butter on it that like just put butter on it or peanut butter or cinnamon sugar i mean according to your fucking logic all we have is fucking hard way to walk into that fucking dummy in my household we got soft butter hypothetically hard but it's such a pandemic that you decided to bring this up against everyone like it was

a worldwide phenomenon that all the little boys and girls were doing full butter i just have a quick hypothetical question here okay let's say someone in my family maybe my brother they need their dog being watched okay and i have to go to would you say their poach okay i have to go watch his dog and then um i needed bread i want a bread and then i was like oh i'll put some butter on it and he only has hard butter, then what happens? Then you just like... Then you just have a bread! You can play it on a podcast an hour later. I proved my point. Thank you.

I will say, cold butter on banana bread, the hit and different. You need to have the cold butter. I want to be able to taste the butter. I want to see the teeth marks in that butter. Are you taking like a chunk? Oh yeah.

Like a square? I'm making like a chess board on my piece of banana bread what the hell i'm cutting like little spreadable butter guys you're gonna you're you're gonna die early man i got my physical dude i've got my annual physical chunks of butter i've got my annual physical next tuesday should i live stream it yeah oh my please do can we get some lines on your like blood cholesterol i mean i've started just doing egg whites and to lower my cholesterol so and i don't eat sausage anymore my four links of sausage i don't eat anymore in the morning so just egg whites you have four do you have like two now or is it like no i have zero completely completely gross go turkey sausage man come on they were there was chicken sausage brian oh well then stick with it what are you doing don't change your don't change yourself

be yourself have a cold butter on it with a side of bread i really wish we just talked about humsters for 20 minutes instead of butter i'm so glad we all just pivoted pretty pretty quickly i couldn't do that i'm gonna start every episode with that same story until we get to talk about it and we'll see how long we could go however long you can go brother because I ain't yeah boo all right you want to start um now what days do you guys like having a bread

it is Wednesday you want to do it again I can edit this together I was gonna say buddy I'm always getting bread I'm always making that paper. But then you started it. So the joke didn't hit anymore.

I'm leaving that in. I'm going to fuck you, Brian. Yo. How do you get milk out of a crab? Give me milk now, mommy. Fat matches. Solve world hunger. Can I get this vagina animal style

that's like an orgy my guy what's up sluts the olympics are a fraud your word is reichster baby you're gross anywhere close to my butthole he is just eating right through your bottom so trying to low-key penetrate you hey boo boo i shall not yeah i shall not walking around just shit himself all the time trying to have sex with 11 gun to the penis what you need brother white jesus curvy's down there just blow it knee cancer not organs fuck you ratatouille it is wed, my dudes. Welcome back to another episode of It's Wednesday, My Dudes, episode 113. We're talking about what can kill Victorian children this week, because, you know, the people have been asking. And it's topical. But we got everyone here. We got Corey. Yo!

We got Zach. What up? We got Rookss keep calm and have a bread don't make me make that shirt for you and i'm brian um so before we talk to victorian not talk to victorian children before we talk about killing victorian special guests oh the ghost of a child from the beyond all right zach you go first i feel like you're always last and uh i want to hear about your 30 minute butt dial you gave tommy this weekend oh i didn't i didn't realize i did that but uh we had the uh hence the butt dial but we had uh some buddies up from iu IU who I went to college with.

Hadn't seen him about nine months to a year. So had the fellas up. We went to a Cubs-Red Sox game Friday night. So that was fun. Nice. Also, shout out to the Mom Waters, by the way. Just want to let them know they're infiltrating their way into Chicago, the bar scene now, which I greatly appreciate.

I will say the amount of looks I get from the bartenders when I order them for myself is a little concerning because I think I'm the first guy ever to order a Mom Water at any of these bars. So I kind of want my name on it as a picture. This is like first guy to order Mom Water, but I'm working on that. So yeah, it was good.

We went to the Cubs game game that we got up and golfed at Chevy chase golf club, where I apparently I bought the Al Tommy had no idea how I did that. Uh, dude, I didn't even listen to the 35 minutes long. It was cause it wasn't a, it wasn't like a voicemail. You just like, he picked up and he was like, Zach, and you just didn't respond. And you were like talking about going on the train and we're like, all right, let's find out where he's at. It was like, all right. about going on the train. And we're like, all right, let's find out where he's at. It was like five minutes in. I was like, he really just doesn't look at his phone.

It's like, he's not on the train. There's no way. And then we started hearing about golf swings and clubs and stuff. We're like, oh, he's not ever going to look at his phone. Because he's at the links right now. But yeah, good for you for living in the moment and not looking at your phone for a solid 40 minutes. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. After that, we watched the Ang Lee Hulk movie, which we hadn't seen.

And buddy, let me tell you what a piece of trash that movie is. What year is that from? Like 2003. It was the one with Eric Bana. Or Eric Bana. Yeah, yeah. It was so bad. Very bad. Although, shout out jennifer

connelly very hot very yeah very very so why did you do that though uh it was on sci-fi and so again so why so me and my college friends we had a knack of usually how we weren't very i would say we were the typical cool guys in college so what we did was we would play basically basketball like pick up basketball for like four or five hours we would come back to our dorm like shower get ready order food and then we would turn on really bad movies before deciding if and when we wanted to go out and those bad movies include like um tower heist uh ripd um uh what else did we watch that was really good oh all the fast and furious movies uh what's your mouth but like good bet you know i mean like good bad no i'm hot tub hot tub time machine good hot tub time machine one and hot tub time machine two which we saw

in theaters uh hot tub time machine two um had to have been the only people yeah so we were really into like really bad movies and so it just it just felt like we were back in college it felt like fitting because we were all back together and we were just kind of watching bad sci-fi movies and we got um uh we actually got a korean fried chicken which is really good shout out to the koreans uh delicious it's called like their soul sassy sauce. It was to die for. I could have bathed in it. I got like 10 wings and a squirt.

It was good. You can move on from that. Just like the hamsters. Nice. Yeah. And then they left Sunday morning. And for the rest of Sunday, just kind of straightened up,

cleaned up. Watch a lot of Love Island. Thanks, works again for the Hulu account. Caught up on that. Got one episode to finish tonight, but we're getting close to the end. We're going to see a couple up,

see if any more bombshells enter the villa to break up the couples. But yeah, and the food eating wasn't as bad this weekend it was pretty subdued um i did have a pretty much an entire box of cereal yesterday um so that the milk was doing shocking compared to the milk the milk combined with about a cup and a half of rice two chicken breasts spinach and then uh a weed gummy and then three popsicles was not doing wonders for my stomach. I had to stand up a couple times to get the gas out.

Jesus Christ. Should have tried a bread. Yeah. I was dying. Dude, I was needing a bread. I was needing a bread. So this upcoming weekend, I'm headed to Louisville

for a bachelor party. So I'll probably have some good stories when I come back next week. But we're just getting prepped for that. Hope I don't die. And yeah, ripping some Vicodin once in a while just to numb away the pain. So I'll give my weekend, if we're doing some emojis, I'll do, is there like a pill bottle? Like an R.

I was going to say, there's definitely a little pill emoji. Yeah. I feel like we've used that one. But yeah, I'll run that back. Let me just type in drugs under the emoji search and see what we get drugs um uh i'll do the syringe because i feel like taking these uh through a syringe would be cooler and it's also almost flu season even though it's only july start thinking about the flu it's coming for us all again the flu is undefeated we've had to do a shot for it for like every year Start thinking about the flu. It's coming for us all again. The flu is undefeated. We've had to do a shot for it for like every year.

Undefeated flu. I mean, you don't have to do a shot for it. We take a shots. Hey, okay. Well, for my boy. All right, Rooks. How many pills you take this weekend? Zero. all right rooks how many pills you take this weekend um zero um i got after it a little bit um not like not like a ton but like we we did some damage this weekend um friday uh fuck work

went golfing with my dad in the morning um fucking dude i played the best nine i've ever played my life on the front and I added my score up. And I was like, I told my dad, I was like, dude, I'm going to fucking do it today. I'm going to beat my best score ever. And he was like, no, you're not, because you just fucking said it out loud. And I was like, what? And then I played some of the worst fucking golf I've ever played in my life for nine holes. I was fucking miserable.

Played with this 81-year-old guy who was just like, hey, don't worry about it. I was like, shut the fuck up, man. Leave me alone, dusty old bitch anyway um i feel like your dad doomed you more than you doomed yourself no you just never say it though you don't say it you don't fucking i know but like it's like it's like a no-hitter like you can't say it but like you probably wouldn't have noticed it for a hole or two whereas him saying it right there immediately got in your head you might be right sounds like you're just mentally weak that's also true hey i got zero fight there brother um but yeah golfed had a few bevrosinos um then after that went to my buddy's place luckily the weather held up for us and we were at the pool all day it was like me my roommate and then my other friend

we were just hanging at the pool vibes were immaculate oh my god i could just sit in a pool for hours um and then have some beverages then we went inside played some fucking smash and drank and ordered dominoes late i actually did some self had some self-control this time i didn't order like three things for myself that like typically make me shit and or puke so that's good um progress yeah and then saturday just fucking oh sorry are you are you raising your hand i was i also had talked about this weekend so i want to just brother in arms there nice nice um but yeah and then saturday just cooled it um and later went to we went to dinner with our two friends went back to their place played some mario party and just vibed out um oh my god dude greatest mario party comeback i've ever seen in my life we played 20 turns and like you know how the end it does like the graph of like projected like yeah did somebody get some bullshit stars at the end though dude no fuck it no no we did

no bonus stars this is the friends i talked about on here before where the girl like before we even started playing she's like no fucking bonus stars um smart she won on out of 20 turns turn 12 she was all the way like in the bottom of the graph still and then just the last couple turns like she had tons of coins so she kept getting like bumped to this one part where she got to fucking steal stars and like she got the star moved to her two more times like insane comeback um but yeah and it had some vino there and it was that's about it man it was pretty uh we got after it but not not too, too much. We got a lot of big weekends coming up, so I didn't want a full send.

Smart. But yeah. Cool. I love it. Corey, how many Mario Party games did you play this weekend? None, but i did play i did play uh 2k 21 golf uh on the switch and it was fantastic uh so claire's on her bachelorette trip this weekend so i dropped her off at the airport friday and then had a me had a me friday took myself out on a nice little date went to yimmy yon's uh got myself a little turkey sub

went to mission i think you were gonna say you were gonna go to like some like restaurant by yourself and have like a like nice little dinner no no no no no uh because then i i didn't want to be late to my movie alone with myself uh mission impossible six uh really good like i think it's the sixth one seven maybe i don't know i think it's like eight it's up there whatever the only mission impossible that's in the theaters right now you can't confuse it with that's one of those series that i don't know any of the lore or like the backstory or i haven't but i just go to see tom cruise kick ass like it's still cool yeah it's all it's yeah i mean it's all pretty much it's like james bond it's like you don't need to know much other than like he's there and there's a problem to solve and like he'll go do it like cool sweet that's the story i'm eating a lot and then they use masks you'll always forget

it and then they use masks a lot you're like the main guy will die and they like rip off a mask and it's not the main guy yeah i've never i've never seen a mission impossible does tom cruise fucking it like is he like i'd assume so right actually not as much as he would think he doesn't fuck heavy this guy literally completes mission impossibles was it six times and he's not getting laid in these movies? What the hell? I think he has once or twice, but it's not like James Bond like, hey, we're banging.

What are we doing this for? I know. Pretty sweet though. So that was my Friday night. Played golf with Claire's brother Dave who was also just alone in Pittsburgh because their whole family went on their beach trip and so it was just like him hanging out and we went golfing

saturday and then came back we were gonna install a handrail he was gonna help me uh but we were drinking too much and it was like four o'clock after we got home from golf and like going for food and stuff so then we decided to download 2k 21 golf do a creative player from i think it's pronounced azerbania um azerbaijan azerbaijan thank you look at the freaking name and you tell me what it looks like i don't know i mean have you? I've heard about you. I can't say either right now. You haven't?

I haven't. No. We picked it because we were like, okay, I don't know. Anyway, we played about like six hours. And configuring the difficulty was hard at the beginning. We went 26 under for our first two tournaments. So we wrecked house. And then we tuned it up a little bit and we made it a little bit more fun. But then, yeah, then installed the handrail on Sunday and then made cookies and watched TV.

So I had a good Sunday. I'll give my weekend... I feel like I gotta give it some golf emoji. A golf ball and, let's say, a mountain for Mission Impossible. Watch the movie, and then you'll know. The amount of promo they've done for that one scene with them yeah i mean like you probably should know it but like everywhere i honestly thought that scene was like in the last movie because of how much they've talked about it but i guess not um have you guys watched the netflix documentary for the quarterback for nfl

i haven't yet i just Fields on there, baby. I don't want it. I mean, honestly, I want three different quarterbacks next year because it was Mariota, Patrick Mahomes, and Kirk Cousins. Mariota gets benched,

so he has one episode worth of screen time, and then it's mostly Kirk Cousins, and then half of the screen time of Patrick Mahomes is his wife for some reason I know and then even when Mahomes is on the screen he's like such a millennial and has his little Kermit voice too that like

I just don't care he just like screams a lot and he's like score but he's so good so it's just so confused I don't want to root for him because he sounds like an idiot but man's so good. So it's, it's just so confused. I don't want to root for him because he sounds like an idiot, but man, is he good at the game? Um, bench that, uh, we went to the park and Tommy has this new backpack.

That's like mesh that we put the cat in and then you can like leash her up. Uh, I thought it was gonna be a hit. No one said a word. We walked by so many people with a cat and a bag or like poking its head out the back no one flinched at all i was like man i thought we were gonna like anyone was gonna be like hey is that a cat and we'll be like yeah is that crazy no no one cares did you let the cat out of the bag at any point yes is that supposed to be a pun or are you just actually asking no it was yeah okay um question is the 1994 animated movie line king a musical no i'd say no it's not yeah i'll say no because then all disney movies are a musical thank you we went to like dinner with uh someone not dinner like

drinks with some of tommy's co-workers and this one chick was like it's a musical i was like just because you sing in a movie doesn't make it a musical then every movie would be a musical there's always a random song somewhere this poor girl had no idea what she was getting into she thought she was gonna do it i can just tell by how hyped bernie is about this she got berated god help her if she only had hard butter at her house too she was in a good mood about it we are back and forth for a minute um i had to like leave to go like pick up an air conditioning unit because it's burning up over here but if i didn't i would have sat there for another hour arguing about

musicals or not because she also likes the other brian the musical expert i hate them so i know what is and what isn't one so like yeah i'll take that title don't think that's how that i don't think that's very uh solid logic there that's how every expert becomes an expert they actually hate the things that they're experts on if you hate something you usually know a lot about it just as if you like something you should know very much not true very very this day and age very very very much not well fair people are dumb if you have enough burning passion of a hatred for something that i usually do you might know something about it if you're gonna be a troll on the internet and just hate stuff for hating things then they probably won't because you just don't know anything you know

so uh also yeah we there's food i don't know the musical was the biggest part of it. You know, just dump co-worker. But got the bidet installed. I have a new party trick because there's like two weekends ago. All right. Hold on. Hold on. You got to phrase that one differently. We'll get there. You guys ready for the tour?

And then just walk in, just start ripping a fucking shit. No, no, no. Stay, stay. Watch, watch. Look, look, look. Best part. Coming up. It was like Sunday afternoon and his friends were leaving and Tommy brought up the bidet for some reason. They're like, oh, you have a bidet? I was like,

have you not used the bathroom once here? Like, they've been in the bathroom doing their makeup the entire time to our bathroom. It's tiny. You can see it. And like, they like walked in and like looked down and they're like, oh, it is. But if you like turn the nozzle, if you're not sitting on it, it like shoots across the room and like hits like walked in like look down and they're like oh it is but if you like turn the nozzle if you're not sitting on it it like shoots across the room and like hits the wall like a really high force so it freaks people out when you do that it's really not like bad when you're in front of it but like it looks pressure is in that shit dude jesus gotta scrape off stuff off

your backside it can't just be like you're back at fucking uh nori's bachelor party dude everyone's watching burn play power wash simulator dude just power washing his asshole if that's a level in power wash simulator just to get a video at the end of it um yeah don't turn the pressure all the way up though that there's a knob there's a knob to like turn it on you just a little bit of pressure if you put it all to the end it feels like there's some bees attacking you so just forewarning um put it all the way up the water starts coming out of your nose yeah yeah that's that's my second party trick but i feel like really be good friends with them to show them that one it's like you're getting attacked by bees so you've tested it huh you've tested full pressure

yeah you wanted you wanted to dabble and see what it was all about huh well i was just like how high can this bad boy go it goes high it's not good, so there's like a... Bart hit the fucking NOS in his asshole. I'm done, dude. Ejecto-sito-ka. There's like an aiming lever on it, but it moves like a millimeter. So like you kind of just have to like,

you have to move your whole body around. I was imagining a camera underneath where you can like see like... I want a joystick, man. Target lock. Headset over the top yeah you have some lock scope you have to lock scope for it that can zoom in more got gold camo for my bidet got so many headshots but yeah so you know uh it's a great way to wake

up in the morning you don't need coffee because uh the version there's two versions uh one you can like hook it up to the hot water and cold water but like that takes more work and then there's one that's just straight into the water stream so it's like strictly cold water let me tell you i've learned way more than i need to learn about bidets in the last two months of just talking to brian do you wake up and poop or do you just wake up sit down and bidet yourself and wake yourself up i'm just picturing brian like you know people splash like cold water on their face to wake themselves up in the morning he just puts his face in front of the toilet and he just like turns it on i'm gonna go freshen up a little bit just

turn on all right i'm back no yeah you poop in the morning you know out with the old in with the new your body's been digesting stuff all night and then uh some bees attack you it wakes you up so all natural good god Jesus so my emoji is the little water

droplet I had too many bidet stories that I hadn't been able to talk about that you know. They needed some focus for the week. All right, Rooks, how are we killing some children? So, on a podcast TikTok, there's been a lot of podcasts that have done, like, they just rapid fire things they think that would kill a small victorian child oh so we're following a trend and not being an original yeah um perfect i'm not gonna sit here and be like we're the first ones that came up with the shit um but yeah like we can just round table

and you can do as much or as little context as you'd like um but i would like to start. Yeah. Floor is yours. A bread. That would be fine. Like a ball of bread? Like they just ball bread? No, like I think a current bread would kill them. Maybe like gluten-free bread. I don't know.

That's just fine. We can popcorn it though. Whoever wants to go next. Going off of Brian's, I'm going to say the bidet. If it feels like there's a swarm of bees attacking you, it seems like it's not okay. They probably need it. How crusty, though.

Do they have toilet paper in Victoria? I was just about to ask. Do they have toilet paper? Dude, I read. So back in the day, they used to have like... We're talking about Charmin? i mean i read so back in the day they used to have like charmin that's george washington has the little face on it back in the day there used to just be buckets by like the bathroom with like water and a sponge in it and everyone used the exact same sponge to wipe off hell that's how like diseases spread really fast because of that

obviously so fuck man i'm happy I'm happy but days exist now um axe body spray smart yeah yeah just asthma attack me it's gonna be a lot of hygiene ones I feel like I do not have a lot of hygiene ones. My next one is McDonald's Sprite. Oh. I was going to say McDouble. I have McDouble on mine. I had Shamrock Shake on mine. Oh, no.

McDonald's is doing a number on the Victorian case. What if we just say McDonald's? Like, just leave it at that. I think the instant reaction when you give them a like a crispy hot carbonated like sprite and it just burns their throat and they think they're dying from the inside out would be very funny like it's hot it's like hot down your throat like not temperature hot but like crispy like another one it's out the fryer hot if it's not hot stop calling it hot

because it's very confusing it's hot rooks rooks rooks doesn't talk about it's hot like a hot it's yeah hot spread i get what he's trying to say i also i did have i had i had any carbonated beverage on my list as well so that's correct yeah do you think the reaction would kill them or like the fact that they would have to burp and they think there's like ghosts inside of them or something? Probably both. Don't you think dudes, anyone who burped at that like at that time definitely was like burned at the stake immediately. They were just like, you're done. You're a witch.

Goodbye. That's a witch. They probably had weak ass burps too. Like they didn't have any burp worthy food. Like we have, we have way better burp foods. Well, I mean mean they had beer yeah but I feel like it was weekend beer

or really strong yeah like mead yeah I don't know alright Rooks you back up um I said a Jaeger bomb yeah I mean that's carbonation again yeah Alright, Rooks, you back up. I said a Jaeger bomb? Yeah. I mean, that's carbonation

again, yeah. The combination of Jaeger and a Red Bull would, like, that would touch, like, that would touch their tongue and they'd be fucking dead. They'd be on the ground immediately. It's poison. There's a lot of alcohol. I put Four Loko. I'm sure that's a common one, too.

Yeah. It killed millennial children. Yeah, like our age kids, dude. lot of alcohol once i put four loco i'm sure that's oh my god too because yeah it killed millennial children yeah nor like our age kids dude they had to fucking like tone that shit down because it was actually killing people that's taking a whole tower you know what would kill a victorian child things that killed children got it guys i mean we are forgetting some obvious ones but we can healy's deep cuts oh yeah absolutely i did i disagree why they didn't have like they didn't have like paved roads it's all cobblestone you couldn't move anyways so that wouldn't be harder that would be it would kill no no because to die on the healy's you gotta get going pretty quick and then fall if you don't

think they'd like going'd hit a cobblestone that's jutting up and smash their head off a rock off of more cobblestones? That's just tripping. Wheels can still roll in grass too. Not well, but they can.

Not Heelys. You could take a bicycle over grass, but not Heelys. I think Heelys is helis I think we gotta have some people for and against playing devil's advocate I guess in connection to helis I also have a scraped knee yeah I think

that's like I think you get any form of like open flesh wound in that time and you're fucking dead. Like there's nothing they can do to like fix it. I mean, they chop a leg off. I mean, I don't I think that's I think that's probably worse. Let's make this wound larger isn't there some story of some dude in like the civil war who had like a mortality rate of like 350 percent because he like during a surgery because he like

tried to chop a dude's leg off but like it made someone else faint and then they fell and knocked something else into someone else who also killed them so he killed three people in a surgery i don't know the stats on the civil war but no i also don't know the stats i mean surgery since what are they keeping stats for surgery i mean i just got i mean i got uav super quickly yeah ac130 fantasy surgery team or come on the season's coming up uh oh i got one i want to abstract a little bit i said attending a 2000s 3d movie where you have like the red and the blue glasses so dead they're so fucking dead the second something comes out the screen they're fucking dead there's just a lot of i see a lot of chaos happening lots of pitchforks torches again everyone's a witch i don't know who's burning at

the stake but they might rule up everything they might set fire to the movie theater in which case they all die yeah well yet i don't know if they could read the exit sign that says exit they probably think those lights are also like demons which is they'd set those on fire first all right how do we get a Victorian era person it feels like a fun time can we do a hot tub time machine 3 and like we bring someone from the

past to the present and they just hang out we just need more ideas you know we need to force some ideas out there I'm keeping it going Viagra absolutely maybe not child with child yeah i would just hold on to i was just like seeing a non-white person

oh i was gonna write down but i didn't write it down just like seeing mixed people because like that's also like not yeah something that happened so we went down a different path guys but i mean i understand the idea um social issues i'm gonna we're gonna pivot here yeah please do i'm gonna say rick flair's figure four leg lock oh i think they're dead immediately like they're like i i have like a theory that like everyone back then had crazy brittle bones and shit. So the second he locks that bad boy in, their legs are just snapping and they're dying.

I mean, could he even get a small child into that move? I feel like his body is the size of 10 Victorian era children. Or like a warhead. The average height of a dude back then was like 5'2". These children are like a warhead remember the average dude back then was like five two these children like a foot tall he's locked in on like tons of different people yeah men and women like okay

he'll make it work i i had which is funny now that i'm reading it i had flying domestic in the u.s which is telling me that it wasn't flying specifically that was going to kill them. It was the process of getting on a flight. I think I was just really mad about airline travel at the time. And so they also flying would kill them. But I guess in this case, specifically, the process of boarding a flight as well might kill them. They would burn the little metal scanners yeah like when they have to put their arms up that's like immediately they're just like something happens

within them they like explode oh i've got i've got two uh warheads and then uh the sit and reach test at the candy or the or the like the missiles yeah What was the second one? The sit and reach test at gym. When you had to sit down and then try to sit and bend his way over. They just snap in half. Absolutely. They're probably really good at that, though. Because we all suck at that because our hamstrings are tight.

Because we sit at desks. They are probably bending over backwards. Because they never sat a day in their life. I wasn't sitting at desks back in the day when I was doing that test i haven't done a sit and reach test in a while but like you didn't sit at a desk in school oh i guess i guess i was going with i was more active than i am now it's fair you are correct to continue with zach's uh the fitness grand pacer test come on they're not making it three beats dude i die at that already yeah that almost kills me that's not that's not a

victorian child issue thing that's an any child thing they're in like a corset and like bloomers or whatever you call them they're not moving fair they got little clogs on too with like little metal bottoms to it a pilgrim hat i feel hat. I feel like any chlorinated pool would kill them. They just burn. It's like acid, dude. They would get in that shit and they would be dead. Little known fact, they're also all witches and witches burn

because of the chlorine. And if they didn't sink, they float. And if they float, they're a witch, so then they get burned at the stake. Dead. It's a class in Russian roulette. Except it's 100 class in russia except it's a hundred percent they die if they die they die they don't die they die uh college football tailgate anybody yeah i mean tailgate of any kind probably i feel like anything when they're like with big crowds, they're going to die. I might change that to just

drinking. Beer pong. I don't know. Random shit. These are kids, right? Or are we even thinking college kids? Drinking wasn't illegal back then. Also true. Ain't no laws when you're drinking

claws in the 1500s. A zin would destroy them. Oh my god, they're dead. They're fucking dead. Anything in Little Uzi Vert's discography, they're dead.

They're dying immediately. A drop from Skrillex? Oh, easy. I feel like I'm dead. They're dying immediately. A drop from Skrillex? Oh, easy. I feel like I'm dead. Easy bake oven. Oh. Eating something out of it? Just looking at it?

Just having... What is this color? The idea of it. Ordering a drink at Starbucks. Too many options, man. It's too stressful. They panic. Having coffee also probably.

I mean, coffee existed. I was going to say, when was coffee? I don't know. Back then, was it bougie? Yeah, it wasn't back then was it bougie yeah yeah it had to be because they had to import it from somewhere probably uh i'm thinking this like a child in like massachusetts who's like hasn't seen the sun since they were born um if it's a child from massachusetts manners will kill them got it continue p90x yeah that's a good one i mean if they die they die if they don't die they're gonna be ripped and then they'll probably

be a lot healthier and survive the rest of these i was really hoping somebody was actually just make a list of things that would kill anybody and like come in here like gunshot wound to the head like part of me thought one of you guys was gonna do that it crossed my mind yeah I figured I do the odds were highest on Brian or lowest on Brian those kids are so you think those kids are doing

like a lunge like jump dude I like my parents had P90X back in the day and I used to do the plyometric one dude yeah those kids are dead as P90X back in the day and I used to do the plyometric one. Dude, those kids are dead as fuck. Those kids are in the ground. With a porta potty door handle. Yeah, you want germs just like actually scientific on a lot of them.

I'm so fucking stupid. The first I didn't go immediately to germs. I was like, what are they, locked in a port-a-potty and they can't get out? No, literally just touching it or being around it will kill them. Did not understand. A weighted blanket. Oh, yeah. That's a good one.

There's demons in this blanket holding me down. Fat bitch sandwich from Penn State. Oh my god. In the ground i it's similar to zach i had fucking any of the like nets you see in like those old movies where someone like steps on something and they get pulled up in the air in a net oh anytime they get in there like a bear like a common thing. There's no way they're getting out of it. I got another one. You know that anchor, not anchor, the anvil that falls on Roadrunner? Yeah, that thing.

And Roadrunner died. First off, Roadrunner never dies, idiot. It's Wile E. Coyote. And then second, it's when you're in the net, no one ever dies. Eventually, they cut him down and they fucking like do whatever to it like they fucking interrogate them i don't fucking know do whatever to them relax my guys jesus i'm saying if they were up in that net for like eight minutes like they're dead oh um a decent haircut i picture they all had bowl cuts back then

Oklahoma drills With each other or with like An actual like Football player I mean both I think Yeah honestly If two Victorian kids did that shit One of them's probably like

Whichever one gets put on the ground is probably dead. Just burst into a cloud of dust. Taking a charge in an NBA game. Oh, t-shirt cannon. Being in it? Shooting one? What are we talking about here? Guys, the sun.

Fuck the sun, bro. Put a child in a t-shirt cannon if we were to go that route we could say like watching Cirque du Soleil yeah I imagine they had zero spicy food there so just like black pepper we had a lot of similar ones I have Sri Racha on mine dude there's a shortage now sad

all those victorians are eating it and dying i can't buy the green top no more it's going for like 50 bucks a bottle what yeah there's a sriracha shortage you can't buy it what the fuck i don't know those do you have sriracha um do you have a plug no oh no no plug do you have a plug i had um an escape room oh yeah that's really good i mean they don't know how like one electronics worker to like padlocks work so like they're not getting past the first clue you just described the concept of an escape room like hey no it's fun we're gonna lock you in this room and not let you out until you figure it out like that concept is

terrifying yeah but like they had like a hoop and a stick back then like anything was better than that you know yeah what a i feel like a water park would kill them oh yeah water park would definitely kill i can't swim wouldn't get past the lockers that's true i know we get past the metal detectors before they'd get to the locker it'd be like is this the ride inside the locker yeah a ring light smaller escape room sorry what'd you say a ring light smaller smaller escape room sorry what'd you say a ring light yeah imagine that amount of direct sunlight direct light you know what a ring light is like a like are you talking about the one that people get that's a bright circle yeah imagine how much direct light their skin is pale enough imagine it would shrivel up into nothing i mean we could just say electricity at that point it would feel like a ring light is like concentrated electricity uh being electrocuted correct the electric chair uh dying um i had a queef to the face yeah that could be we gotta clarify kids then if we're gonna say queef to the faith they gotta be yeah that's fine that's fine uh a bidet at full setting oh absolutely that's a good one

um i also had riding in a souped up hana civic like you know the ones that sound like the speakers so loud like the speakers and the shit where it's like it's the engine itself is just so fucking loud like they're it's too sensory overload the iphone ringtone the alarm or like a ringtone okay no like the the alarm the the like default alarm that everybody has that like will give you nightmares when you hear it because it reminds you of getting up or shit you don't want to do. Like life. Pro tip, change that. There's other ones to do.

Mine has changed, but I'm just saying. A lot of people have it. On my list, taking a submarine down to go see the Titanic. I was just about to say it. Fucking God. A submersiveive if you will I don't think they would have survived

you want to just say the Titanic yeah we skipped over a big one we can go back in time yeah Anthrocon what is that come on Corey it takes place in your city

oh is that yeah come on come on cory it takes place in your city oh is that the furry convention yeah i think a furry in general would just it's the sight of a furry would kill them like just in a city full of them come on they would lose their mind did you see like i don't know if dylan said this to me or i've somebody else but there was like some guy posted this video of like Andrew McCutcheon's batting average during furry con in Pittsburgh is like outrageous like he's hit a home run

every weekend furry con is in Pittsburgh like at the home game and he's tweeted the word furry that weekend like five years in a row and no one ever knew why but it's just that's when the furry convention is and he just says furry nothing else weird dude

all right I got two left hey if you're a listener and you're a furry we don't judge here okay you mean viewer I mean thank you for making McCutcheon's batting average really high and thank you for killing off Victorian children my boy Nestester's a furry from high school i told you guys about that just doxing my guy nester right yeah jesus christ man

just bodying this person look i found out through his social media i think he's fine with people knowing about it also haven't talked to him so like it's fine he's cool he's quiet he didn't talk much i bet he talks more in in suit uh the next one i have is uh only fans yeah seeing anything more than ankle probably yeah just explode from the inside out what a way to go they don't hurt still um do you think think scented candles would kill them? Because I assume candlelight was their whole life. Just bath body works, just walking in. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah, that would ruin you. Dude, walking into a Hollister in 2008? DoA, maybe. Seizure, immediately. Oh, skinny jeans. Yeah. They'd lose so much circulation. I don't know.

They got a cors right out of them they got i would say the opposite i would say baggy jeans and they would trip on them and fall and hit their head because they're used to tight okay well but like that was upper body not lower body so like maybe if you do the opposite it squeezes them in the opposite direction and that really messes them up it's a a good call. Victorian children would make the perfect Fall Out Boy fans. Is that what we're saying? That's a great song title. Tell you what.

It sounds like a Fall Out Boy song title too. Victorian children would make good fans. Yeah. Drinking helium out of a balloon. Or breathing it. I don't know. I was going to say drinking sounds weird. I don't know yeah i was gonna say drinking sounds weird i don't know why but it's gas right yeah whatever every week we just test my mental capability of what i know this is an intellectual podcast um the last one on my list i had written down was shrek

like just the mood the second they see fucking shrek they're gonna die and then they're gonna die again when they see the donkey talking it's gonna be over hey now you're dead yeah honestly they're gonna die listening to smash i'll start my smash mouth yeah of enjoyment yeah i feel like hamburger helper might kill him long island iced tea uh the oculus yeah fuck if 3d movie was gonna kill him jesus christ playing some bass is gonna melt like they're in indiana jones that's actually just an escape room is what you just described it's just yeah terrifying oh women voting a mirror I think they had mirrors

they had mirrors maybe yeah like their own reflection in the water they were like I think they knew what they looked like when were reflections invented you know yeah that's a good question.

That might have been the dumbest thing I've sarcastically said, but I'm going to use it again. It's kind of a good question. That's a good question? I don't know. It's like asking your grandparents because they only had black and white TVs.

Like, oh, Grandma and Grandpa when was when were like colors invented yeah yikes and we're gonna else how else we're gonna kill these children in waves of 10 kid well could we kill victorian children with 2023 children like what like we beat them over the head with other kids well that's an option or just hanging out with a child from now like they have so much germs all over them and like i mean i don't know iphone games blow their mind they're going to war in an arena like i don't think we have the time to let like the flu develop you know i think they're gonna kill each other we're going to war in an arena. I don't think we have the time to let the flu develop.

I think they're going to kill each other. If we're going to war, I think the Victorian children have got an edge on us. 100%. I'm taking the Victorian children. They worked in coal mines, bro. So when you say Victorian, I'm picturing rich Victorian children, not poor Victorian children. I'm thinking like... No, I still think today's kids take it.

You gotta think about just general size, too. Kids now are probably twice the size of kids from then. If it's a coal mining Victorian era children, I'm taking the coal miner. Have you seen a photo of those kids? They look like

they're 72. This is going seven games. That's for sure. Those kids all have like fucking like joint problems at age seven and shit. Like, and the children now have diabetes. They got nothing to lose though. They got nothing to lose though.

Diabetes doesn't hurt you in a fight. It doesn't help. What is diabetes when you can't uh process sugar as well does that mean you need more sugar or less sugar sometimes one or the other we see that's why blood sugar is that's why i can't take it seriously you can't take diabetes well is it because so is it because you can have diabetes if you process too much sugar and if you don't process enough it's like your pancreas and liver like don't work as good as they should but if i start an argument there's type one and type two one of

them is like your body just doesn't produce any insulin at all and that's why people need to take insulin okay because otherwise every time you eat sugar it just like goes straight to your head or something and then you die and the insulin like kind of balances it out and then the other one i think it's just like you're fat and it just doesn't work quite as well and then like it can just all over the place i don't remember what that one is all right so it's so you can't eat sugar is basically what the issue is i mean you know you just have to counteract it okay yeah your levels just don't regulate very well gotcha we have said a lot of dumb things and it's weird how we always end up on something somewhat like coherent yeah like the humester there's some sprinkles of random

knowledge in there you gotta pick it out i gotta s through. I want it to be known I am now taking diabetes seriously. Call that growth, people. Just in time for your doctor's appointment. Zach's song of the week is The More You Know. Yeah. That's reading Rainbow, my guy.

It's the same song. The more you know is because you read books. It's reading rainbow. It's the same song. I don't think it is. The more you know is because you read books. It's definitely not. Oh, no, no. It's definitely not the same song. Also, I had that sound. I was trying to find it, and then I clicked on the wrong thing, so I apologize. Good.

Anyone else got another last podcast? I was going to say COVID, but like. Right. You can't say COVID. Yeah, I know. That's what I was like. It's the same as a gun, right? Maybe.

I don't... Probably like sun up or whatever you put in your hair to make it lighter. Like the bleach you put in your hair. Sun in? Isn't that like lightning? Oh, yeah, sun in. And then there's like lightning gel or something. Any gel. Sunny D. Any 90s gel.

Sunny D. Chocolate raisins. Because I feel like they'd eat raisins back then and then they'd be confused because there's chocolate raisins now. Contact lenses. Bifocals. Chocolate rain. The video. Transition lenses. Bifocals. Chocolate rain, the video. Transition lenses.

Wearing transition lenses or seeing transition lenses? I think seeing them. From afar? From a distance? Immediately. Which? A Nerf Vortex. Oh. A balanced diet

The little nerf ball that you Used to be able to throw to make the whistling That's sick Do they still make those? They have to What about playing dodgeball with a 5th grade class? Oh my god Yes

Dead You do that with fucking Victorian adults and they're dead. Filing for your taxes? Oh. Although the kids... I don't know if that'll kill them. I think that'll just be more of a hassle than anything. Oh.

Sorry. I thought this was the mild inconvenience podcast. These in TurboTax tax what are we talking parallel park hr block dog do they know how cars work trying to learn how to shift i don't think so cars operating any vehicle chinese food appetizers Oh Shout out to me Greatest draft ever Nah

I feel like we wrap this up I think pretty much everything in the world That isn't a hoop and a stick or a corset Probably just kill them I don't know they're frail we're the better generation You know they can't defend themselves right now To say anything so you know We can showboat as much as we want hey we've lived with her fuck them tune in next week when we talk about how

to kill civil war children oh great song cop the bmw new deposit i picked up another bag like fuck it i'ma count while i'm in it I hear clangs flying, crowds screaming Money count the shanks, clanking shit I guess that's how it sound when you winning I ain't joking, do it sound like I'm kidding I've been making like two thousand a minute So high up through the clouds, I was swimming I'm probably gon' drown when I'm in it I bet she gon' get loud when I'm in it

And we might have a child when I'm finished I don't love a hoe after we fuck, she can't get near me Only bitch, I give a conversation to a Siri My pants are miry, yes, I want it clearly Outro Music