It’s Wednesday My Dudes - Best of #3: A.I. Hamster Butthole Replacement

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

The boyos deserve a week off, and its been almost half a year of nonsense since the last best of, so here are some of our favorites.Ep 92: The Girth Wood FapEp 96: Bee Boop, You Are DeadEp. 108: Ruxx Got the SudsEp. 112: The Pepsi LoungeEp. 114: Don't Fight in Front of My Chia PetRate us 5 stars on Spotify! and leave a review and rate on Apple Podcasts!Links here to follow on social media! and find other places to listen!

No. me down they're just blowing me cancer not organs fuck you ratatouille it is wednesday my dude t-shirt cannons should be way more common like you know they're only at sporting events like day-to-day life we need to have them more often. Like, fast food drive-in window, put it, my food, put a burrito down that thing and just launch it into my car. Then you can have, like, eight different lanes. You don't actually have to be close to the building. You can just kind of, like, aim it to the parking lot over the other way and just... I guess I'm trying to think of, like, another good use for it, because that's obviously a good use. Oh, yeah, easily.

I guess... think of like another good use for because that's obviously a good use um easily i guess well what's the what kind of velo does a t-shirt cannon have you know what i mean like when it shoots something out of it like how hard is it coming out i think you can i think you can adjust this knob yeah well like i don't want to fucking just like i would argue, Brian, also better my like soft penis coming out. Like, I don't want to just like plop down. You know what I mean? Like, I want to shoot out like a fucking just like then I also feel like there's a danger factor. And now it's like a dangerous like hazard. Well, it depends what you put in it.

Exactly. Quick side note. I feel like you could have used the hot dog cannon as an example for the food instead of just a t-shirt cannon. Have you ever been to a sporting event and they shoot the hot dogs out? Yes. What? But again, you need to use them other than sporting events. That's the only place they're used.

We already put food in them. Use them. If we invented a restaurant where there weren't waiters, there was just the chef in the back and he had a t-shirt cannon that shot your food to you we would be rich but like that's gonna how are you gonna outside of burritos hot dogs maybe like a hoagie what other kind of is that the only food we're serving you get hit by a giant jimmy johns you can't have a fucking don't piece you can't have a fucking t-shirt cannon shooting a tomahawk steak with potatoes. It's going to have to be something that's concise. Do you think you can't fit a baked potato in one of those things?

Easiest thing in the world. Everything kind of has to end up being wrapped in foil or something. But for sure we could do it. Are we doing like Cloudy with a Chance at Meatballs where the people in the restaurant have to hold the plate up and then it catches on the plate like yeah or else we're just fucking shooting food everywhere you know what i mean oh should be called sloppy joes guys oh and we only serve sloppy joes from canon from a hard a sloppy sloppy joe keeping its structure coming out of a fucking t-shirt cannon would be. I was more going for like, it's going to be sloppy.

And that's where the name comes from. Not that we're only shooting sloppy Joes out of a cannon. Well, we can't be called sloppy Joes and not have a sloppy Joe on the menu. Yeah, honestly. It's like little John. He's a big guy. There you go. It's opposites John. He's a big guy. There you go. It's opposites.

We only serve sloppy jeans. Shout out. It's 2023. Come on. Me too movement. What if we had a day where we only served soup? You see, now we're just kidding. Now we're just kidding. Or for today's topic, cereal.

Oh, a little tease. Maybe a little teaser. Have you ordered cereal at a restaurant before? No, but let's normalize that. All right, while we're at it. That's true. Okay, two restaurants. One.

That'll be Sloppy James. Sloppy James, strictly cereal. Or Sloppy Joe'sones hear me out we have different menu i'm listening little baby bird hear me out we have a we have a breakfast menu we could just do cereal for breakfast that makes sense okay but so are we are we shooting individual pieces of cereal are we shooting like the little cups that come in are we shoot like what the fuck are we doing here we're shooting bags the little cups they come in are we shoot like what the fuck are we doing here we're shooting bags that have milk and cereal in them that'd be cool that's not

a bad idea i actually like that wasn't even thinking that look and you see you're mad but you came up with the best idea so far i'm trying so in canada they've served milk in bags so like it's not too far-fetched to To be completely honest, I hate this idea, but now my brain, now we're so deep into it, my brain is analyzing all the semantics of it, and I'm trying to figure out what the fuck's going on. Bagged milk, bagged cereal, easy. Do people even slap the bag, do you think?

When they drink milk? Yeah. Like, you just go to a party with straight milk is that my new move for when i go to parties is i'll bring milk in a bag just say you're gonna walk around what's a milk-based alcohol mixed drink that i can say it. Alright, so I'll walk around saying it's rumshata and it's just skim milk. And people will be very pleased. Bailey's and cream.

But that's, it's a little darker though, right? I would have to... Chocolate milk. Yeah, chocolate milk. Just get a brown cow. Alright. I'm so deep. I'm so deep into t-shirt canon google right now it's fucking absurd enlighten us well like okay so it's between 40 and 50 psi shoot up to 100 150 feet um

it is important to realize that can be dangerous um They require adult supervision. I knew that. So no children at a restaurant. That's a plus. Miniature cannons are technically not firearms under federal law. There we go. So you can conceal carry those bad boys anywhere. I just imagine somebody with a teacher cannon and cannon and just saying like don't worry i'm licensed to carry like get the fuck out of here oh my god there's a whole oh brian i thought of

another practical idea actually uh for the cannons going back to the original question and why we're here uh like you know how at the beach they have like umbrella guys what if they had towel guys where they like somehow unravel like you shoot them like they don't have to get off from their ivory tower of wood lifeguard whatever they could just shoot them and they'll go like you know football fields away just be like oh yeah i'm not i'm not gonna walk down there just pop you took like three left turns what he could have just said stayed straight just put umbrellas on it and you just raise your hand and they launched the umbrella out of it a fucking t-shirt

cannon that can handle an umbrella and shoot it a hundred feet is 110 percent a weapon pretty sure that's what they got moby dick with absolutely a weapon like literally dude there was a an ocean city maryland there was um it was a few summers ago there was a super bad windstorm where like or not windstorm but like it was just insanely windy so like umbrellas were getting windstorm i don't, man. But umbrellas were getting pulled out of the ground and rolling around. Someone got fucking impaled by a loose umbrella. That's a weapon. A gun that shoots something that can impale someone is absolutely a weapon. Did that person have adult supervision?

They weren't using a cannon. How many years did the umbrella get are you talking about nature using adult supervision what are we talking about here wait corey had a good question though how many years did the umbrella get for manslaughter i don't know google it man i got way too much going on in my brain right now to even entertain that have you seen in europe there was a bird that like stole some money from somebody wrong and so they real that's true it was a drone from the government but either way but they put the bird in jail and they took a photo of it and why did they put that

photo on the newspaper and they put a little black bar over its face to like hide its identity what the fuck oh my god that's so absurd that's un-fucking-believable just picture like a bird like talking just be like that looks like Jim like what are we doing here

I just wish they had like an interview with the bird later too and they did the voice changer for when it chirped. So it's just like. Good God. All right. So umbrellas. T-shirt launchers.

They're kind of expensive also. Really? Yeah. What do you. Hold on. No, no, no, no. Before Rook says it. What do you think their price is, Brian?

Because I feel like I'm not surprised by T-shirt cannon being expensive, but you sounded really surprised. Because it's just like a paintball gun. It's just like a tube, and then there's CO2 attached to it. So it's like a couple of valves, and that's it. So I would expect it to be like $100, $150. But if Rook's saying it's expensive, he's saying like $5, $750. Are you thinking $1,000? Me?

No, not you. Rooks. Rooks was shaking his head heavily at the $150. I have the prices. I'm saying $150 is very low. Is it $700? Now we're getting warmer. Okay, so for these two that look like they're kind of but

one's like 400 one's 500 but for these like the amazon recommendation yeah people are buying these it's like 750 800 and there's a really good one that's 1700 fucking dollars it only has three and a half stars though i want to look into this oh read the reviews please read the reviews they got it from that fucking box sham the first box yeah the first one the only one that's like a like written out three stars didn't work as expected didn't reach the bleachers that's all it says not even reaching the bleachers let alone like the top of the bleachers you just you have to pay 1700 you have that shit at half court in like a high school gym that shit doesn't even get out of bounds on the court that's disappointing i mean you definitely have to like pack it correctly though

so when at our restaurant where we're gonna use these to serve all our food we're gonna have to have extensive training with all the chefs on how to actually pack them down in there and also we can make our own I feel like we're gonna like I want our chefs gotta be able to cook I feel like instead of food runners

we need food launchers you know what I mean like we need people whose main job is stalking the stalking the cannons and shooting the cannons we can't have these chefs it's like dude we can't have these chefs cooking and then also taking like firearm safety class over here like they gotta they're holding knives all day they're they know safety and also it'll be very easy to get chefs to work at a restaurant if we said you also get to shoot the food at the customers no we need the chefs to all be able to explore their culinary skills to find ways to package normal food into a also canon how small how big is our restaurant oh it's a it's 100 to 150 feet long it could be real narrow though well okay so hypothetically like if we got some sloppier

food if you're like the front row and you're shooting a meal to the back like splash everyone getting fucking sprayed um i mean we could just do it like a round restaurant. No, that's where our poncho business takes off. Oh. No, the umbrellas. There it is. The umbrellas. Yeah.

These people have to catch their food and hold an umbrella to save time? They don't have to. If you want to get wet, feel free. So our cooks have to sit there as well they have to cook their food figure out how to package it into a t-shirt cannon get down on one knee put the fucking bipod mount out lay down fucking hold their breath before they pull the trigger get the fucking person they want in their crosshairs and then pull the trigger and then get back to cooking what the fuck are we doing here i, and after a year of working there,

you get a gold camo on your gun, too. Oh, shut up, bitch. Incentive to stay. You're paying for the experience. I don't know if people would pay for that experience. I'm not gonna lie. I just don't know who would pay for that. Every dinner is $1,700,

so we can buy a new cannon with every single customer. But I want the $1,700 so we can buy a new cannon with every single customer. But I want the $1,700 cannon strictly so the people in the front row just keep getting hit with it because it can't even reach bleachers. Oh sorry, Doug Cannon. Here, we'll try our other $1,700 one. Oh sorry, Doug Cannon again. Hope you're hungry.

Do you think we get a little mini cannon and there's bread at the table? Yeah, for kids. You just hold the piece of bread up though and they launch butter at you oh one thing that's actually that's one thing that does exist you know like the um have you ever seen salt guns that kill like flies and shit yeah yeah get that for salt and peppers like you're shooting this is all right let's normalize let's normalize that just for every day though like everybody instead of having a salt and pepper shaker in your home, you get a little pistol of, like, the salt and pepper.

So it's like, oh, I'm, like, making a beef stew. Just like. And then now you buy both of those. Package deal here, $19.99. You know what we're going to throw in for you? The condom gun as well. You're welcome. A little three-piece for you. You don't want to get those mixed up that's a lot of small pieces and some

crevices and they're designed to look exactly alike good luck how's this balloon doing on my chicken breast dude inside foreclose that tristan at bold three detergent plus so do you want to go to next call in all right here we go hey guys the midwestern milkman here calling in sorry i can't be on the pod this week had a nasty hemorrhoid flare-up you know how it is if you have any advice on how to get rid of this thing let me know this is an ai this is an eat my ass this is an ai bot this is such an ai bot no zach definitely took some ambien and just just called us in the middle of the night. Zach was

75 fucking grams of melatonin mixed with fucking 5 Red Bull Vodka's deep. I don't even know where to look for our phone number. I thought for sure it was going to be a drunk phone call from Zach for a second. That was going to be really happy. I just wanted you to be more confused for more than half a second. No, I know my own voice.

That's fair. Maybe I should have done it when you weren't here, so then Rooks and Corey could have been more confused. Good try. Totally not AI, though. If Zach wasn't here, I would have been like, what the fuck? I was like, this man was wasted. Well, we have another one from zach though so okay here we go hey guys the swedish chef here calling in again one quick question for you what

do you think the chances are that the chicago bears trade for the best qb in the league aaron rogers i think he has some great views on vaccines and those luscious locks are just beautiful if i could let one man in the world ride me it would be mr aaron rogers let me know your thoughts thanks go because the weird the weird pauses are so bad like obviously gives it away but it just makes it way more uncomfortable the weird part i'll say the first the first time like when you did the first playthrough i was like wait and it took me a second to process and then zach was like deny deny okay this is ai shit then yeah this one i really listened to it i was like that is horrifying just like the awkward pauses and all that shit and then just how like proper

english it all is hated that but zach you talk relatively monotone anyway so it's it's pretty close it's close for sure it's it's really close so we got a third one what do you think that the bears will do so you can't change the inflection every time you click like generate it just randomizes all of that so like okay all right another one from zach hey guys, guys. Zaddy here. One last thing. I am thinking of going vegan. Just way too much cheese in my life. I think maybe the cause of that hemorrhoid we were talking about earlier.

I can't wait to change my weekly cereal Instagram post into a weekly salad post. New year, new me, you know? Anyways, one love, Rev Run. What the fuck did you tell me? One love, Rev Run, Rev Run. What the fuck did you tell me? One love, Rev Run, you bitch. This is what Zach says all the time, right? Man, what a great callback to the hemorrhoids, though, honestly. So fucking good.

Zach's a funny guy. I know this wasn't real, but I would love the thought of just Zach being bored like three times throughout the week and just like sending these all in and letting them fly you can call it the cracker corner oh all right you want a commercial break sure sure as all our listeners know we would never endorse a company on our podcast without extensive supposed to product. It's supposed to be Corey, if you can't tell. That is why I was excited to bring on our latest sponsor, Biggums Adult Diapers, due to Rux's frequent use of their product. Going back to our days at PSU, he always struggled with his lactose intolerance.

It was impossible for him to turn down the Penn State Creamery ice cream. That's true. But any time there was a whiteout for a big game, he was either in the bathroom for half the game or opting for his nice brown sweatpants. Once he discovered Biggums, he never missed a down of football or a scoop of ice cream again.

Use offer code SKIDMARKS at checkout to get 10% off your first purchase. Thanks, Biggums. Rux's butthole thanks you. I don't think that one sounds like Corey. Not at all. It had a little lisp and shit. I did not think that sounded like Corey.

That's why Zax I thought was like... It's still like awkward pauses, but Zax was really close. And then I did Corey's. And then for Corey, also, and this is such a specific thing that I heard, but in Corey's voice, it's saying Rux instead of rooks i was like oh

god i was like that's not cory like it like gave me the heebie-jeebies i could have spelled it differently for it to do that but like it was bad enough that i didn't think i needed to like huh i said all right it's brian you want some poetry from uh cory again sure yelling angry waving my hands a lot specific point of view on things cynthia sin the uh jesus died for our cithias jesus cried runaway bride julie robert julia rob hurt cithia cynthia you're dead you are dead beep beep you are dead that's fucking awesome that's so fucking good that one sounds better but yeah it's like there's like a little like lisp to it that's like throwing me but that's that's mad fucking funny that's so good oh my god so i did rooks's too but you talk

so like wildly that it just it's not close oh i want to hear it though it's it's the same commercial that cory did so bear with me but here we go as all our listeners know we would never endorse a company on our podcast without extensive use of the product that is why i was excited to bring on our latest sponsor biggums adult diapers due to my frequent use of their product uh going back to my days at psu i always struggle yeah we can stop that does it make me sound like patrick mahomes man i know i know i think that sounded more like rooks than cory sounded like his really yeah i don't think it was that bad it just gave me a little too much... It gave me too much Patrick Mahomes and Kermit the Frog bullshit.

Well, because there's a slider for monotone versus variety. And if you go really monotone, you just don't speak like that, so it sounds like a robot. And if you go really wild, it sounds like Rick and Morty. And it's like really, really bad. So I'd do it

halfway between to get anywhere close. Can you do that option right now? Do you have that ability? If you want to like, I want to for a minute. I want as wild as possible. All right. Well, talk amongst yourselves and I'll try to get it pulled up. No, that means you have to talk.

Wait, what? No. Like, what if I don't want to? know what i'm saying all right do you want it's gonna be the um the third zach call-in but it's gonna be your voice perfect okay that's my favorite one and it might take a couple seconds to actually load there's just a website hey guys i did zaddy here one last thing i am thinking of going vegan just way too much cheese in my life i think maybe the cause of that hemorrhoid we were talking about earlier i can't wait to change my weekly cereal Instagram post into a weekly salad post. New year, new me. Anyways, one love, Rev Run.

Just the fucking thing is, like you said, the inflection is just in the most random spots. So weird. And then, when there were all these little like, mmm, like all these little

just like, mmm, like like in between words like what the fuck was that it like breathes in randomly too I hated that so much I did one before if you put a bunch of exclamation marks it makes it sort of like yell but if you do too many it yells

and then it just goes it's so weird alright you want Cory's voice in like super yeah now i want to hear all of them like stupid okay we'll see if this uh yeah just like a bunch of our recordings like a bunch

like yeah you should have to submit like five minutes of audio and i have like 95 hours of audio the thing that sucks though on the website it's like anything over five minutes isn audio and i have like 95 hours of audio the thing that sucks though on the website it's like anything over five minutes isn't really gonna help i was like man i wish i could have set you hours and it would just been perfect but all right let's see uh let's see cory brooks was usually the weirdest one so hey guys zaddy here one last thing i'm thinking of going vegan just way too much cheese

in my life i think maybe the cause of that hemorrhoid we were talking about earlier uh i can't wait to change my weekly cereal instagram post into a weekly salad post new year new me you know anyways one love rev run i hate the little... What is that? What is that? Well, so, you know, I'm gonna change my Instagram. I was like, what the fuck is that? I love the speed up at the end for both of them. It's just like, peace out.

It makes no sense. And I love it so much, though. All right. We're gonna have to do... We'll do two more just dumb ones because obviously we can do Zach that's not super monotone. All his I put really monotone

because it kind of made sense. So we'll see. Give it five seconds. One, two, three, four. Hey, guys. Zaddy here. One last thing. I am thinking of going vegan.

Just way too much cheese in my life. I think maybe the cause of that hemorrhoid we were talking about earlier. I can't wait to change my weekly cereal Instagram post into a weekly salad post. New year, new me, you know. Anyways, one love, Rev Run. Just an accident at the end when he said life he said that shit like borat like he was like my life the fuck who's the he sound like christopher walken because he just like enunciates the

weirdest parts of words for some reason it's so right like that's the thing just the parts that they emphasize are so fucking random and i know like i know that's the gist the gist of it but like did you say the gist yeah i said the gist of it i don't know man you psychopath i don't know dude we'll review it on tape next week don't worry yeah or you want to hear my voice yes 100 i was gonna say i swear to god if you didn't do you i had to do mine it wasn't good but i'll do it on the weird settings yeah sure it wasn't good oh is this the ai talking hey guys oh that's that's the wrong button it sounds like zach hey guys zaddy here one last thing i am thinking of vegan. Just way too much cheese in my life.

I think maybe the cause of that hemorrhoid we were talking about earlier. I can't wait to change my weekly cereal Instagram post into a weekly salad post. New year. New me. Yeah, I know. Anyways, one love, Rev. Run. Okay.

So many fucking things to analyze there. Why are you British? You sounded so British. it was the weirdest thing first of all he sounded like every nationality ever voice did not sound like you at all also sounded out of breath in the middle at one point what audio do you did you send that thing it's normal well so this is on the weird settings remember so if i put it on normal it'll sound could i get one more of you on the weird settings please oh my god do you want what audio what uh what words do you want dealer's choice man i don't care that was i mean ridiculous what's a what's like a speech from a movie famous oh you can do the miracle speech no no no no no um what is it do the start of the b movie um is it a speech

yeah oh my gosh you guys come on According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. Come on. It's a he- I got it. It gets the people going.

Do you want me to throw in a bunch of exclamation points to make it a little strange? Yes, make it just as ridiculous as you can. I hope he just sounds like Jerry Seinfeld. I like the, uh... Can Seinfeld. I like the... Can you do questions? I like the... Can you do question marks too?

The Bugs Life speech that Hopper gives to the rest of the grasshoppers. I can do that one. You're gonna do... No, no, no. Yeah? No.

No. I'm saying I could. I could do that one. I mean, we got it up next. Don't worry. All right. Here's me doing the b movie according to all known laws of aviation there is no way a bee should be able to fly

its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. What the fuck was that? In the middle? You literally said, What in the fuck? It was terrifying. There's like seven question marks there.

That's what that is. I had a bee-gasm. Yeah. Oh my god. Man just loves bees. Alright, what was it? A Bugs Life speech? Yeah, it's the speech that Hopper gives when they're about to fly out and he rips out their

food storage and then he crawls up and he's like, you let one ant stand up and they all might stand up. It's just one ant. Those puny little ants outnumber us 101. And if they ever figure that out, there goes our way of life. It's not about you. It's about keeping those ants in line. It's going to sound just like that.

It's a little bit longer. Guys, order another round because we're staying here what was i thinking going back to ant island i mean we just got here and we've got more than enough food to last us through the winter right it's a long speech but there was that ant that that stood up to me yeah you're right it's just one ant puny hey let's say that this grain is a puny little ant did that hurt well how about this one how about this you let one ant stand up to us and they all might stand up those puny little ants outnumber us 100 to 1 and if they ever figure that out there goes our way of life. It's not about food.

It's about keeping those ants in line. That's why we're going back here. Does anybody else want to stay? There's a Transformers noise in the middle of that. Dude. The cough at the end? The fucking, the orgasm mid-speech every time. It's the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life oh my fucking god

that's great relief well i typed in butthole removal surgery on google and the first article that comes up is called uh barbie butt colon my experiences and tips and tricks uh if you get your butthole removed do you not have a hole anymore like is it stapled shut now like what are we talking yeah that's what i'm saying like okay getting getting your butthole removed in my brain right there could also be like just removing like the muscle tissue of your butthole like you'll still have a hole it's just not gonna be like it's just a loose butthole we're not we're not gonna have a we're not gonna have what do we call it that one time we're not gonna have any hoops you know what i mean it's gonna be just like a saggy oh my god dude i'm getting the

weirds right now man man. Oh, God. Yeah, I think it's like sewn up. And I think you have to have like a bag, you know, whatever those are called. The colonoscopy bag, something like that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to read article to simply put it a proctectomy surgery. Otherwise, it barbie butt surgery don't think anyone calls it that is where your rectum and anus what it's known on the streets

can i get the ken surgery and just smooth front um where your rectum and anus are removed and sewn up permanently the surgery may occur for a number of reasons but in my case i guess this is a story um it was to create a temporary ileostomy although i was now pooing out of my stoma they left my rectum and anus intact in case i was able to have a future surgery to reconnect it i'm not gonna lie hate all of this like i know this sounds like this would be like like right up the alley of our podcast i hate all of this like all of this is just making me uncomfortable and just so unhappy right now oh my god i mean on this one it's not even they removed it they just like they like made this you know on like a train they'll like they'll give you a bus to go around it for a minute and they just do maintenance

that's what they did they just they're starting to like scoot poop around it on a metro bus instead of the train dude oh my god what a specific example but yeah it's a good it's brian before we dive into it it's a good example yeah thank you it concerns me how quickly and like your slogan came definitely way too quick way too quick i've got a genius marketing brain okay you should know that um yeah what's that first poop after i'm gonna i'm gonna stick with the the metro train analogy if you reconnect the train and we're running we're first train back dude what's that like is it like smooth sailing or is it rough because it's like probably rough probably rough well i have 10 000 questions right because so when they first sew it up like you're gonna need to heal how do they do they

give you something to stop you from shitting well so you you have in the back so it goes oh yeah you have a different exit but like it's the situation if you will there's gonna be a levee that you could pull and then all the traffic turns one day Oh my god. Oh, yeah, I guess I'm thinking more chip clip so you just it's a and seals off and then there's another path, you know Wouldn't that just be a butt plug chocolate flavored god damn it Cory I like where your head's at yeah so hypothetically

I could just have this surgery myself right just shove a butt plug in my ass perfect I think you're missing some steps but hey to each their own same general idea right Perfect. I think you're missing some steps. But, hey, to each their own. It's the same general idea, right?

If I just really plug it up, it'll come out of somewhere else eventually, right? Sure. Doc, I really need this procedure. I swear. I swear. It's like a cartoon where they're, like, the boat's sinking, and they try to, try to like plug every hole but a new hole pops out i'm looking like fucking spongebob with the suns dude where he has the bubbles coming out oh god that's that's one of the foulest things i think that i've ever said on this podcast holy shit that's disgusting you don't want to die

of a cold. Toll free. Speaking of funerals, maybe worst time to eat a cake, but let's keep going. Funerals are a great time to eat a cake. There's nothing to do. Like at the service itself? Plus, they're putting the casket in the grass and you're like

full cake with a fork. Spin zone. Buttercream is great i love the buttercream no dude there's also one less person who can take a piece from you because they're dead instead of that fucking call of duty pay f to pay respects or press f to pay respects press f to have a bite of cake to eat cake i gotta pour some of that cake out for the homies so as they're throwing them down you just throw a piece in there Like salt As they're throwing him down what do you think he's getting Fucking Shaquille O'Neal lobbed into the fucking ground

Dude At my funeral you need to bounce me ten times And then slam dunk me into the ground We wanna dig the hole and then everyone just Free fall the casket down into the grave No you have to RKO Brian Into the ditch My dead body into a spike

we got the fucking parachute from bb class and we're just bouncing the fucking gasket up and down i put his dead hand on the floor and i run the scooters over it like the little like gym class scooters over here oh just relive all of your childhood pain i love it so good um so funeral great place for if we it absolutely great place we'll discuss let him finish this weekend absolutely is um she also told us that she was adopted i don't think that was like news to anybody but like i didn't know um it was from ukraine so she made a lot of ukraine wardrokes it was a great brunch i was so entertained this is all one person oh yeah yeah yeah is she is she good do we have like confirmation that she's okay today and everything's good today no she was fine

like the next day of that weekend i'm just say like it sounds like she was going through it a little bit yeah she so she like grew up in like the valley of la so she like had the valley girl accent and was like all over the place she was crazy um but she was really drunk for brunch jumped in the ocean and was like out swimming by herself like really deep and was like freezing water we're like is she okay and so one of the other girls like i'm just gonna go check on her it's just like had to corral her back in it's one of those mornings let's just roll the dice let's see let's see what happens she's like i just don't want her to float away it's she's you know she's been through a lot she came back from the ocean was like guys i feel great now like all that crying i'm over it this is what you need to do to get over this just hop

in the ocean like that's. Let's go lay down. So, yeah, that was the most of it. It's a while. Do you say that shit like she's like your fucking like schizophrenic like grandmother? You're like, yeah, OK, sweetie. I come over here. Also, if I was a time for a nap, if I was adopted, I would drop that shit on people who didn't know. Like it was the biggest news of all time. Like I would put them in that.

Oh, and by the way i'm fucking adopted just anytime you go out to dinner like have the talk about cake have the waitress bring a cake pretending like it's your birthday but on it it says i'm adopted and just always announce that to people like that correct i like it you get cakes for free for being adopted yeah you have a car you have to carry it around with you it's a separate room behind the dmv where you go to every every year it's the adopted kid room also dmv bad place to eat cake maybe not maybe not dmv fantastic actually you know what dmv great place to eat cake i was there this weekend uh great place to eat cake did they like how this weekend. Great place to eat cake.

Did they have cake? No, but they should have because it would have been great. I got my new photo and I think I look like Charles Manson. So like, let me know. Oh my god, that is fucking horrifying. Please put that on Insta or something. Whatever you were accused of, you did it. That is horrifying, dude.

I don't promote profiling but in this instance i did yeah i should oh it's a tough look man yeah oh i got one gym pet peeve and then i'm done oh yes there's a dude benching with his knees crossed and not like like news newspaper knees crossed oh no no no no it's like wait what video newspaper sitting like crisscross applesauce and then you yeah like sunday morning you got the one leg perched up on the angle just 90 one over the other like you have a newspaper, but then lean back and start benching. And just keep them that way. That's such a good way to describe that leg cross because I don't think I've ever heard someone say newspaper cross.

That should be the next crisscross applesauce. That's it. That's so good. You're welcome. Keep that in the head. But yeah, I was just confused. I don't know maybe not but that's a pet uh yeah because it's just what the fuck is happening i would be so i

would not be able to stop looking like i would just be like what the fuck is the purpose of this was he wearing was he wearing was he wearing monarchs was an old guy yeah it's gotta be no he was like our age what the fuck yeah were there cameras set up was this like this camera this camera this camera you just got nabbed no but there's two people with tripods there that day it's it should be illegal were they filming newspaper guy or like they were actually reporting for the news for the newspaper extra extra girl cries at mimosa brunch and then was adopted also ukraine adopted girl uh wouldn't stop talking about how hot zelensky is zelensky is that the leader of ukraine yeah so i don't know she had a lot of emotions going on um i'd like to put in uh another suggestion for worst place for cake uh locker room like gym

locker room oh that's bad it's not a good place yeah it's even worse bad cake sauna in the gym locker room oh god oh i got a bad one dude amusement park wave pool deep end that'd be fun though no no no no no deep end of a wave pool is stressful that's what i'm saying it's stressful in general and then the cake's gonna be going fucking everywhere and you're surrounded by these little kids you're definitely covered in piss number two and then number three like everyone's gonna want the cake like you're gonna be these little kids, you're definitely covered in piss, number two. And then number three, everyone's going to want the cake. You're going to be the hot commodity there.

Is Tommy in the wave pool? Yeah, maybe there's shit in there too. I don't know. There's probably shit in there. Let's be real. Okay. Guys, sauna's really bad. I don't know if you could beat sauna. Sauna's about as...

Inside of a casket there's not much to do so i feel like i mean are you a cake there if you're like if you're like being buried alive are you dead are you just like vibing in a casket what is this road rules like 2002 where you're just like buried alive challenge what is this it's uh actually uh what's the joe rogan show fear factor fear factor yeah it's fucked oh have you guys like not to like diverge because i definitely want to keep talking about this cake thing have you watched the fear factor in the last like two years oh is it new it's still going on no no it's not still going on like the old one oh yeah it's really so bad like fucked i was

watching an episode they had these two girls that literally like they were sitting there and they had their arms like strapped in and they were putting needles like through their arms starting at the shoulder and like not like into their skin like through their skin one way and coming out the other and then the needles kept getting bigger i was like what in the fuck is this torture porn ass shit like this is fucked up dude yeah that's insane bad time to have cake too the one i remember having nightmares about it was like you had to swim through this pipe that was just full of water and there's like little holes to stick your head up in that had oxygen like every like 50 feet and you had to go as far as you could

i was like there's no because there's no like emergency like escape it's just like you're in a sewer pipe i'll tell you right now you could take bad place to eat fucking cake sewer pipe well are the porta potty teenage mutant i need a cake in a porta potty to be fair i need a cupcake in a porta potty i don't know if i i don't know if i oh i need i need a whole cake in there sometimes i've been there for a while, man. Who knows? That's true. But the... Yeah.

It's always hotter in the port-a-potty than it is outside, though. Port-a-potty is, like, similar to a sauna, except it just smells worse. It's like borderline... It's like borderline the same thing. It should be a little cooler in a port-a-potty. The pet, dude.

No, it depends. Port-a-potties at... Port-a-potties at fucking music festivals in the summer dude i'd come out of those things looking thin my guy i'd be in there for 20 minutes i'd come out i'd see for the first time in my life i'd see one ab on my body and i'd be like okay i'll come back in here like i'll go eat mac and cheese really quick rooks came out looking like the after picture. Exactly. Can I float the idea of eating a cake while you're at the dentist?

No. Tools in mouth, but also trying to eat at the same time. Dentists need to work harder. They don't do shit. That dentist comes in and just So if we're doing it with the dental practitioner or whatever, the assistant lady. The hygienist.

Then yes, correct, because they don't get paid enough. If the fucking dentist comes in there, make them work around and see if I actually got any fucking cavities. Are they feeding me cake? Or am I feeding myself? No, you're feeding yourself. If they were sitting there cleaning and they had my mouth open

and they were just scraping shit and also just inserting cake into my mouth, I'd just like scraping shit and also just inserting cake into my mouth i feel like this isn't that bad you know they're like do you want do you want mint or cinnamon so if you want chocolate or vanilla do you just want cake it was like do you want peppermint fluoride uh fruit punch fluoride or do you just want cake near the tube that they have to suck out your saliva i want a second tube to send icing into my mouth yeah oh yeah replace saliva with icing yeah an icy pose no yeah they make those honestly i picture it a dentist that feeds you cake needs to be added

to the invention list like i would pitch that i would absolutely pitch that what's the what's the business you get cake while you're at the dentist it's way better than just going to the fucking dentist question is there room for a car wash in this idea oh now i'm out car wash great car wash great place for cake especially on a busy saturday morning that's a good good good a good cake spot. Only if you have a car, though. Bad cake spot. Yeah. That looks so sad. That looks so sad. That looks so good.

You look like fucking Eeyore eating cake in the rain. There's a scientist named James Lovelock who performed experiments regarding cryopreservation, specifically of small rodents, hamsters. You're obsessed with freezing shit and rodents. He's a supervillain. I'm just going to say he's a supervillain based on his last name. Lovelock? Yeah, I mean like dr love lock come on yes and he like sticks a bunch of hamsters onto you it's dr strange rival or arch arch nemesis arch enemy whatever or his arch arch nemesis rival yeah all of it arch frenemy. His work found that hamsters could successfully be revived with no adverse effect after having 60% of the fluids in their brain frozen. But the way they revived them or thawed them was they put them in a microwave.

There's no way this is real because those hamsters would explode. Hold on a second. Okay? Hold on a second. There is absolutely no way that Mr. Love doubting hamsters in the microwave come on you just you just called him mister you just took away yes because that's fucking hamsters in the microwave those things are going to explode i'm not gonna lie him having a microwave at home and instead of the popcorn button he has a hamster button i i will say though if if someone who i

was in like med school with like five year reunion of college don't know if that's a thing but like we're sitting there it's like oh hey dr dr lovelock great to see you oh my god that fucking guy microwaves hamsters dude yes he looks like he microwaves hamsters. If I was catching up with him and I was like, oh, what are you doing in medicine now? It's like, well, so I freeze hamsters and I throw them in the fucking microwave and see what happens. I'd be like,

what? Excuse me? I'd be like, gotta go. Give me your degree. You didn't earn this. Gotta buy it. Are they considering that, like, is that a scientific breakthrough like it sounds up until the microwave portion what's the point it sounded good another question I have

so you said they freeze 60% of fluid what do we have only like part of the hamster's head in the freezer what are we talking here yeah I don't I don't get it also like how do we measure measure we put a little meat thermometer into its head wait for the temperature to get like below freezing in one part like what are we talking about here yeah because like if it's not part of the brain and

it's like the whole thing but only 60 of it froze then do you just like only freeze it for like 30 minutes and then thaw them again like what good is that unless they took out 40 of the fluid to start and then froze it oh that's why i'm here hold on okay i have two things first off what are they they're just taking these little frozen icicles just jamming them back into their skull like i don't think that's how that works that's fair but anyway no i immediately my brain went to this guy has a tiktok where he treats this like cooking videos he has like the above camera and he has all of his hamsters laid out and shit and he's just giving these little step-by-step instructions on how to freeze its skull in the microwave.

All right. First step, drain 60% of the brain fluid by stabbing it through the top right of its head. Do you think it's like a standard kitchen microwave? I mean, that's what I'm thinking. Me too. I'm assuming it's like a gigantic one. Are there microwaves that are specific for hamsters like an incubator the door is hamster shaped you go to like uh like uh sears or world

whirlpool's website there's like a hamster filter like for hamsters not for hamsters wait you know it'd be really fucked up if there was like one of those hamster wheels and they were running but as they run it like powers the microwave so they're actually cooking the other one two birds two birds on stone right there oh you're just torturing some poor hamster it's like if it's like i prefaced it that it was now for obvious reasons i'm like those hamsters are definitely related i don't know why but it's like you probably got him from, because they're probably a family, right?

So he's probably like, you got to spin on this wheel to revive your brother. This is also a psychology experiment too, to see if hamsters will hurt each other or not. Yeah. Well, and then they come back and it's only like, whatever is left brain, right brain, one's like super analytical. He's just a very analytical mouse after, or ham a hamster afterwards because only the 60 was from the one side of the brain this is how

dr lovelock gets all his angry hamsters to help him out and that's why they're all so smart now because he freezes half the other side of the brain i literally want to google how to freeze half of a hamster's brain but i think i'm just gonna get not helpful answers how long are they living when they come back to life, though? That's another good question. It's probably not long. Is he just like, oh, yeah, I put a sensor on their heart, and their heart pumped again, but then they exploded in my microwave.

Like, what the fuck? Like, in no way, shape, or form are these hamsters not exploding. Like, there's no way around it. I think they don't explode because there's a hole in their brain and that's where all the gas escapes that's like boiling inside of their body. Like when you have to poke a microwavable bag?

Like a potato? Yeah, I was going to say, like a sweet potato dude you have to stab it with a fork a bunch of times. Oh my god, this is so fucked up I'm gonna have nightmares about exploding hamsters we're gonna teach you how to cook a hamster today

three ways boil them mash them stick them in a stew I just like did he like try to thaw a hamster and it didn't work or was he just impatient and he was like it's been 20 minutes let's put the bad boy in the microwave blanch it real quick yeah yeah hard boiled no he was coming back from like work from he has two jobs now he was coming back from his first job coming to the second job where the

frozen hamsters were in the lab and he called his lab partner was like hey take the hamsters out they got a thaw and then he came home the guy didn't take him out so and he saw his car driving the driveway he's like oh i gotta follow them real quick so just threw him in the microwave like everyone else does and then they're magically alive and that's how they figured it was actually just gonna eat it and he had it frozen in the freezer because he was gonna reheat to eat and then his roommate got petrified and then he actually revived a hamster by accident and then what was his name dr Dr. Love, love, something? Love Lock?

Love Hamsters, yeah. Live Love Hamsters. And it's Dr. Love Lock, right? Dr. Love Hamsters. Live Laugh Love Lock. Yeah, Doc Love Hamsters. Live Laugh Love Hamsters. Want to hear a crazy story about hamsters?

It's not going to top it, though. I got a good one, too. When I was growing up, I had this friend, and she had two hamsters it's not gonna top it i got a good one too when i was growing up i had this friend and she had two hamsters and i thought it was either two boys or two girls turns out it was a boy and a girl and um they had little hamster babies and there was probably like 25 hamster babies and we were there at her house after soccer practice one day and they were like trying to figure out what to do with the hamster babies and um her little brother knocked over the cage and there were like 25 little baby hamsters running around her house and they were finding them for like weeks like dead it's a lot yeah it's a lot you just gotta throw them in the microwave i know yeah did it bring back to life only we knew now what we did you harvest 60 of its brain didn't

anybody again you live and you learn. I mean, when you... That's step one. When you take out the Stouffer's hamster, it says it right there. The Stouffer's hamster. Caught us in the little metal tray. Pour some gravy over top of it. Make sure you peel...

Lonely guy meal. What is it? Hungry man. Hungry man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just hamsters. Imagine it comes like the powdered potatoes. lonely guy meal. Hungry man. It's just hamsters. Imagine it comes like the powdered potatoes. It comes as a powder and you put it in the microwave and it turns into a hamster.

We're getting really... That's wild. That'd be insane. I'm reading more about Dr. Lovelock because... Is he a professional wrestler. I just thought about that. Great.

Great move. The greatest finisher in the history. The Lovelock. The Lovelock. Submission. That's joking you off sideways. Yes. Full circle.

Oh, so it was in the 1950s and the microwave didn't exist then. So this dude was way ahead of his time so he made a magnetron based emitter to conduct these experiments and because of that he may have accidentally invented the tabletop microwave oven when he discovered that it could bake a potato so he was putting them like this guy dude way to bury the lead my guy you just told me you invented that microwave like that's huge i mean the the hamster thing's way cooler what is wrong with this person like also kind of fucked up that he didn't like complete his work i feel like by now if that was 1950 you should be able to revive hamsters with 100 of their brain and like not with a microwave

do you know how much like at that time like burn what like when was this what year was this 1950 something like the brain power it takes at that time to like accidentally stumble on the microwave like this dude really wanted to throw some hamsters in those motherfuckers dude that's like not that long ago he really wanted these hamsters to experience extreme heat like he fucking invented the microwave to throw hamsters in like that's absurd Thank you.