It’s Wednesday My Dudes - Ep. 57: Engagements, Condom Guns, and Tasteful Public Urination

Episode Date: March 9, 2022

One of the boyos got engaged this week, one invents a gun to put condoms on, and the others make a call to the Females in the Field to educate us on what Spanx really are. Rate us 5 stars and leave a review on Apple Podcasts! Links here to follow on social media! and find other places to listen!

And here we go. Local news, Colorado, Fox 31, Colorado's very own. Box of human heads stolen from a truck in Denver. Thoughts? Who owned that in the first place? Like, how do you, like, somebody, to have it be stolen, somebody owned it originally, and they're saying, that's mine. Give it back. That's my first thought.

People collect crazy things, man. What do you do with a stolen box of human heads? You open that box after you steal off a truck. Human bobbleheads. Human bobbleheads. You make small action figure bodies that are disproportionate to the head sizes and it's a human bobblehead but you put like a spring like where your neck would be yeah and there you go did they know that it was a box of heads when they stole it or were they just like stealing shit off of a truck

so it's not like they interviewed the people who stole it no i guess i think they thought they were dvd players and this is actually fast and furious 10 is what i'm thinking so the news report says it's a blue and white cardboard box about 20 inches by 15 by 18 inches with science care written on the sides so i don't think they knew what they were stealing. Apparently, science cares a program that donates bodies. You can fit that many,

you can fit that many heads in a box that size? That sounds remarkable. Maybe not your head size. maybe not three rooks' heads. Yeah, it can't be my size head. No fucking way.

That's the thing to me. I was like, dude, that's fucking impossible. No shot. Dude, is someone a part of the big head gang? Nothing looks worse on you than a fitted flat brim baseball cap i know i like i

used to wear them all the time but looking back on it just makes my head look like an egg like squeezing it i feel like i've seen you wear those hats before it's bad that's why i switched to snapbacks now because you gotta it's a new revelation big head gang you gotta have hats that fit as snug as possible like we can't make this head look any bigger right like it's counterproductive at this point let's just try to squeeze it in it's like spanx but like for your head like it's just gonna squeeze it in as tight as humanly possible get all the right curves does everyone know their like head size or at least a hat? No. It's like seven and a quarter or something like that. Does that sound right?

That's kind of big. I mean, I got a lot of... I wish I could say I've got a lot of knowledge in here, but you all have been here for the trivia, so that's a strong one. Corey just wears big hats based on freshman year of college. He wears the Doug Dimmadome hats. That'd be trippy.

Not height, but width. Yeah, Corey wears the hats that go over his ears. Can we talk about that Rooks just coined the term that I think hats should all use, which is hats, Spanx for your head. We just blew right by that. I'm full of great ideas well i have i have like head trauma now ever since uh cory we interned at dick's sporting goods and the award i got was the only person's who gets bigger after a haircut yeah actually such a great insult it was a tough award to win

did everyone else get positive awards and you were the only one with a negative one? Mine was most likely to shut up and dance, which is pretty good. That's a solid award. Yeah. But it's definitely better than Zach's. Zach's was definitely a jab.

That was definitely a jab. You need Spanx for your head. I'm just picturing tights that you wear on your face need Spanx for your head. Pretty much. I'm just picturing, like, tights that you wear on your face as Spanx for your head. I mean, you could do, like, a skullcap, you know? That's, like, as tight as it's going to be. But, like, the full full. It's like Spongebob when he's trying to rob the bank, and he's like, put the money in the bag. And he's facing the wrong way.

All right. the back and he's facing the wrong way all right don't think we can shark tank spanks for your head but we'll workshop it it's going on the list that's that made the list spanks for your head amen it's a it's a short list so far we so is that not just the same thing as hats are we putting hats on the shark tank list? Or are you saying like actual Spanx that you're just going to put on your face? So you're going to go into the sharks and be like, sharks I have and blah, blah, blah, Spanx for your head. And then you're going to reveal it and it's just hats. And then you're like, but this is just hats.

You're like, no, it's not. It's Spanx for your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just have an hour-long presentation of trying to convince them that it's not just a hat. Here's a question. What are Spanx? Bike shorts. That's what I think of. They're essentially the same thing.

They're short, they're not long. They're shorts. They're leggings without the legs. There you go. Why can't we just invent male Spanx? I'd wear those. Why not just wear Spanx?

Spanx is only a lady thing? I'm sure you can grab some in your size. Yeah. Cut a hole in the front. Huge dumper. Yeah. I mean, if they're made for people who are big i feel like you would have an easy

time finding a size so is it like a sausage casing thing like the objective is to suck everything in yeah yeah yeah smooth everything out yeah females in the field feel free to chime in but i feel like yeah that's how i've we could phone a friend right now we should we could we could phone you could i i also thought and i could be wildly off base here too i also thought if it was like if you're gonna go out as a girl into like a nightclub or something you might feel a little bit more comfortable wearing them under like a skirt or something i don't know i have no i'm not gonna act like i know like what the fuck i don't know i don't know i don't know yeah yeah you can just wear like compression shorts you don't need to wear a spank but our snakes like they're to flatten out your

stomach they cover no i feel like they're thicker because they have to like squish everything down i don't think they i don't think they all are like like up above the stomach though i think it just kind of i think there's like different like styles i don't fucking what the fuck so when you have tights and so you're like you know when you have a sweatshirt and you want to make it it's you know you want to make it a sleeveless sweatshirt or you have a shirt you want to make a t-shirt you just cut the sleeves off and you get extra use out of it when women are done with their tights do they just cut it off at like the mid thigh and then they have spanks now when you say no no i don't know what the

fuck's happening i'm not gonna lie my brain is just stuck on the idea of spanx for your actual face and just looking significantly worse after putting it on because all it's gonna do is just squish your fucking like nose down and shit and you're gonna look like a fucking clown like that's all the whole time we've been talking about this, I've just been picturing someone being like, I look hot as shit right now, and their face is just completely squished. You don't think there's going to be a hole in it for your nose? But what is it squishing in then? Just like your cheeks?

Your cheeks, yeah. Just like the ones for your lower half do. Chubby cheeks. Hey, nice, Brian. Can we? I mean, you can cut this. Can you try to phone a friend i want to try to like why not this seems like a very good chance to phone in we have to pick a friend to phone i mean a female in the tommy certain feel yeah see what tommy has to say tommy we got a question about spanks we should probably pick somebody who might know the answer hello

hello female in the field hello how's it going okay so we are on a very serious discussion or we're in the middle of a very serious discussion right now and I'm super sorry that you have to be our okay so we are on a very serious discussion or we're in the middle of very serious discussion right now and i'm super sorry that you have to um be our correspondent for this because we're fucking idiots and you're gonna listen to this later and be like i don't know what the fuck you

guys talking about terrified so um spanks right what is their purpose and what are they like what what are they like? What are they? Spanx? Yes. Is that what you said? I can't really hear you. Okay. Spanx just like suck all your shit in.

You put them on and it just like sucks everything in. It's like I don't really know how else to explain it. It's a black hole it's like you know like compression shorts it's like that but like a little bit like tighter like they're really hard to get into i'm not gonna lie so are they thicker and do they cover your stomach it depends they come in all different like shapes and sizes like if you you can have shorts you can have ones that cover your stomach they have like jump like full body ones if you're into that full body a lot of options how full is this how high up do they go like you like like a one-piece bathing suit that makes that makes more sense i thought you were talking like a super suit for a second i

was like i don't know i don't know who the fuck's rocking a full body super suit under their dress going out but respect if you do no yeah it's just like it depends on like what you're trying to cover up that's all what if i want to cover my personality they're wearing like a form what what if i want to cover my personality they're wearing like a form what what if i want to cover my personality that i can't help you with i don't think there's spanks for that thing there might be an app for that but there's not spanks for that do last question do they have spanks for your face spanks for your face no not that i know least. Okay, so there's a market for that. Can you be like Botox?

Well, we're going to call it a hat. That's kind of fire. Don't steal her idea. No, no, no, no, no, no. She knows too much. Hang up on her right now. Get her out of here. Anyone else have any Spanx questions?

No. No, we're good. I think I'm good. I think we got it all. All right. Spanx you. Thanks, Denise. Hey, we appreciate you.

All right. Bye, guys. Spank you. Thanks, Denise. Hey, we appreciate you. All right, bye, guys. Spank ya. See ya. See ya. I hate the spank you. Screw you guys. That's not good. Asked and answered.

Not a fan. Is that it for our calls? I think we should phone Claire in for- Phone Claire in for later stuff. Yeah, for later. That makes sense. Oh. Okay. Right? Why not? We could learn more about Spanx from another person, Phone clarin for later stuff. Yeah, for later. That makes sense. Oh, okay.

Right? Why not? We could learn more about Spanx from another person, but I feel like we got what we needed. No, that's definitely what we needed. We could get a differing opinion. Fair, fair, fair, fair. So, hey, we were all kind of right. We were in the same kind of zones. We kind of know stuff.

And there's no Spanx for your face, so there's a market. Guys, guys. Dude, I'm not going to lie. Botox is Spananks for your face so like there's a market guys dude i'm not gonna lie botox is spanks for your face that's kind of like it's kind of a slapper of an answer guys so we obviously can't use spanks for this term because it exists so spunks hear me out say it again i'm out spunks no i'm out oh i'm in i'm in turn my seat around golden buzzer yeah i mean if it's just for your shaft it fits like a glove you know what these are fucking called they're called condoms burn hit the intro it is wednesday my dear my nipples are hard now.

Number one, remove your bra. I like nuts. This is my butt. I'm ready to go. Vulva's a sexy thing. My dick will go like, boop, and just flip inside out, and it'll turn into a vagina. And you take me. Hi, boys.

And of course, Pennsylvania. You leave the butter in the crack. Why is my spaghetti fizzy? I want to kiss you on the mouth, baby. God damn, he's so good. Yeah, he calls me big time. If you just wanted to slurp something and then spit it back out. And then I swallow. I want to die.

Raw dog and lower. Kid turkey based on nipples. He just got slopped. Rock's dick has anchor arms. I think I gotta get out of here. I don't fucking great question. Who has vertical butt cheeks? to the death It's every time Episode 57

we're talking engagements because A certain someone of the group might have gotten engaged over the weekend. But first, Rooks, you said Spanx for a guy is a condom. But you don't wear that out to the club just in case. You'll put it on before you go out. You said Spanx strictly for the shaft. and then Corey said it fits like a glove. Let's talk about condoms. Yes. Zach, you wear what you put on before you go out?

Well, as I was talking about it, why don't more people do that? You know how they have dress for success? You dress for the job you want. I want to dress for the idea that I'm having sex tonight. It's just motivation. Oh, God. Yeah, exactly. Like I know they can't last forever, but you can figure you can put it on at nine and you get back at three.

You think it could last the six hours? No. Oh, God. I feel like that would be so fucking uncomfortable. It's probably not good. You probably have to wear like you can't wear cotton boxes. It gets a little pilly on there. You probably to make sure you're kind of you have to wear like two condoms and then take the second one off and then the first one's okay it's like tear away pants when you're

sitting on the bench yeah pretty much i don't i kind of like that idea because like you just go with a mindset like i'm gonna use this condom although if you have to go to the bathroom though that'd be tough you'd be fun you couldn't go to the bathroom at all that night just poke a hole well hypothetically right hypothetically let's say you do you do end up going back with somebody you're gonna do like a little act you're gonna turn away and like be like make like a fake ripping noise and act like you're putting a condom on facing them away are you just gonna be like no i've been wearing this condom all night like what the fuck that's some psycho shit you know what that that tells that person though that you like to plan ahead and you know what that's

not a bad trait to have so just say exactly i mean this also goes in my other invention which is the condom gun which i feel like we've talked about before right shockingly we have not oh okay so this is one of my inventions you can it's like a gun and then you insert your gun you insert the condom into the cartridge and then the but the the what is it the muzzle or the the hole of the gun is big enough yeah it's big enough for your dick so you put your dick in the hole and then you fire the gun and it inserts and it puts the condom right in your dick i'm not gonna shoot myself in the dick every time you're telling me instead of just fucking rolling the condom down your dick which

takes half a second you're fucking oh hold on let me get this really quick you're reaching your cabin you're pulling out a fucking magnet a fucking exactly a magnum imagine the marketing connection brother a magnum with my magnum to put on my magnum all right hold on hold on hold on so a girl comes over to your place and you guys are you know getting intimate and you say hold on hold on you reach for your drawer you pull out a gun so so how do you think she might feel in a certain situation i'm gonna i'm gonna aim it at myself and then you turn it towards you then you have to stand up and put your dick in the barrel of this gun and just be like yeah this is all part of the process that person would be scarred forever okay fair the initial optics look good but what's worse

you fumbling around with a condom putting it on, and then having to open up a new one, or you just guaranteeing you just one shot babooshk, and it's on your peen? I mean, the gun's the backup plan, because you already have one on when you're coming home. That's true. Yeah. So if you need a fresh one. Yeah, you're prepared. Because imagine you just need multiple. It's like, oh, we got to kill the mood.

I got to unwrap the wrap. I got to sit up. I got to fumble around. I got to turn the lights on. A gun, you just grab it gun you just grab that sucker or you have a holster too you can unholster it this man said this man said stopping to put a condom on will kill the mood but a gun to the is what you need the underpinning is what you need brother buy my condom gun me giving this fucking revolver a little game of just the tip is gonna be not a mood killer but me putting on a fucking condom is dude how sweet would a six shooter be you could like twist the barrel and then it's like bang and then

you play russian roulette with the gun be like you're putting six condoms on now no no imagine you play russian roulette there's six guys in the room and like and so you just put one condom in load the chamber and be like all right we're gonna do a little risky tonight do we get no condom or condom sex and then bang and then if it fires a blank you have no condom sex for that night it's either you get a condom or it shoots your penis off it's firing a blank yeah it's firing a blank you better hope you fire a blank there's another slow day i'm behind the russian roulette game if there's it's firing a blank, you better hope you fire a blank. There's another slogan for you. I'm behind the Russia roulette game if it's either a condom or bullets. It's literally like you're either doing the full blowing your dick off

or you're going to put a condom on. I'm all about the holster, though. You wear that guy out to the club. They think you're just kind of aggressive and you have a gun on you. Then you come home. You've been prepared the whole time time got one on and on your hip at the same time dude imagine the accessory market too you could customize it like different types of you could get new skin new skin just dropped gun charms yeah you could team up with apex legends cod we got the possibilities are endless man spin zone

you could also spin it into a fleshlight as well you could make the barrel a fleshlight and then you could also do that you could have different attachments so now you're actually fucking the gun now you're actually having sex with the gun is this a transformer like is it an alien how's it transforming into this just remove the. Is that gonna pull out the gun before sex? Oh, it's not working. Oh, sorry. I didn't realize I had the pocket pussy barrel on. Hold on, let me swap this out

really quick. It's the silencer. Smith's trying to put a condom on She's like why are you thrusting You're like oh sorry shit She won't be able to hear it though Very true All this is patent pending

So no one steal this from me Otherwise I'll have to sue you Welcome back Welcome back to this week's episode We're talking engagements um it might take a hard very gentle turn to being more normal after this so we'll see a hard gentle turn hard and gentle love it a hard turn towards gentle oh god i don't like that move on okay i apologize um we'll get into engagements at the end but rooks how's your weekend god i can't even after the conversation we just had i can't

fucking think straight um how many uh guns did you wield this weekend yeah i put my dick in a lot of guns this weekend i'm now um friday night or thursday night saw the batman heater um the largest human on this planet sat next to me in the theater i was drenched in sweat the whole time me and my man were rubbing elbows literally the whole show which was lovely you gotta go to like the nice theater where it's like there's like feet in between you yeah it's it is what it is i mean me and him enjoyed the movie together we had a few moments it was fine um but then friday night went and saw maddie on at the anthem in dc absolutely lovely show beautiful visuals just good vibe music like just happy happy music great fucking time and not to sound like super old guy here got home

at 11 30 it's kind of fire yeah like it was kind of fire getting home at 11 30 after a show and like actually getting sleep like that's i mean it makes me sound like a boomer but fuck it and it's the best and then saturday um a lot of just chilling so i. I had to get my oil changed Saturday, so I was walking back to the oil change place. When you showed up to your oil change, was there a toilet paper on the roof of the Jiffy Lube at all? No.

I got the wrong one then. This maniky was not covered in toilet paper. Thank God. What? Maniky? I don't know. I don't know whatever um but men icky i'm rooks men icky i mean that's facts but so i'm walking back to the um i'm walking back to the car care place my mom literally accidentally sent out an sos to all her emergency contacts and i like sent out her location and

shit and i was like oh god my mom's dying so i'm like walking back to this place i'm like 20 minutes out your boy gets full like fucking sprint i'm like running to this fucking place because i have to grab my car and i'm like well i gotta go pull my mom out of a fucking ditch i get like right to the door she lives in a well yeah well she like so my parents love bike riding and like it sends the location with the sos and she's at like some like she's on some trail and i'm like oh god i heard my dad just flipped over simultaneously and like busted their heads open or something i don't know but yeah get to like the door of the car care place i can't even fucking breathe and my mom texts me he's like oh my god sorry that was an accident like i was like first off like why didn't you just pull

over in texas that after sending out the sos like it went to my dad too my dad saw it's like why didn't you say hey you need to pull over and clear the air anyway sheila if you're listening you scare the shit out of me um and then is it just sorry i can't ask a question is it just a beeping or like what's the sound it makes no so it's like s o no there's so many songs with the word it's like it's like uh it's like that shit back in the day ring backtones you know Don't want a second guess. Combo, a little mix. It's like that shit back in the day, ring backtones, you know? It's just like this specifically, like my SOS song,

I choose for you to hear when I'm calling you. If you could just make other people's phones play songs at will, out loud, not even like when they call you dangerous dangerous idea um but yeah um no it's literally it's just like a text on your phone it's like emergency sos like sheila carmines has you listed as a um as a um emergency contact and it sends like the location that's all it says but she's fine she looks good um but yeah and then saturday night just cooled at my buddy's place uh drank beer and ate pizza and you know just had a had a chill nice nice fun night um nothing too crazy this weekend nice nice solid kind of getting the legs back under me you know i had had a few bender weekends so it's just kind of getting back to it you know getting back to basics yeah um but great

time i'm gonna give this weekend um i'm gonna give this one uh one sos by rihanna i love oh my god i love the idea if that like came on my phone oh that would have been sick but that would be like counterproductive because instead of like running i would have been just like dancing on the sidewalk and shit. Anyway. Would have calmed you down, though. It's true. Zach, how many condoms did you wear out this weekend? No condoms.

No condoms. That's your rating, then. You have to use that as your rating. That's true. I will. Yeah. Zero condoms. So Friday, I got a fresh haircut.

Shout out to my guy, Isidro. Just holding it down for me as always. Did your head get bigger? The best in the head did get bigger, but it's all right. Got I had like a streak of getting complimented by by people at a bar. More dudes than girls, which is a little weird. One girl said I look like the current bachelor, which I guess is a compliment because those people are always tend be good looking um he's a little he's a little he's a little doofusy though so yeah um hey the thing is clayton is like six five so that's you know yeah i think that was just the thing it was the haircut and i wore this like big burly like plaid jacket and i think they were like oh my gosh that guy looks like he's from iowa yeah um but anyway so saturday i also saw the batman shout out to robert pattinson's jawline would bang or let him

bang me um either way um i'd let him get in my bat i'd let him get my bat cave let's just put that man would have the bat gauntlet and he would whip out his own gun to shoot himself in the pp that's the one man on this planet that would have that accessory. Exactly. Batman definitely, I need to tell you about, has the condom gun. He's my target market, honestly. Jesus Christ. So I saw the Batman in the morning.

Dude, a little, kind of like Rooks was saying, a little matinee show, a little 10 a.m. matinee. I slammed an extra large Sierra Mist and big bag of Lifesaver gummies, though. And I had to pee so bad throughout in the middle of the movie um it was bad i had to run out and run back in yeah you can't wait three hours that movie is way too long but it was good shout out that movie was very good um then my uh friend that i went with dropped me off at a bar uh i was playing purdue or perdon't or per suck um so i was like oh great we'll watch this game we

need a win to get in the ncaa tournament so i went to the like one the only iu bar in chicago stood there was a line so i'm like all right whatever my friends were inside it's like great so i started waiting and i was texting them like live updates like oh like slowly moving about like an hour past so i'm already in line for an hour and i'm at the front and the bouncer just straight up says all right we're not letting anybody else in because we overpacked the patio area and if the fire marshal comes he'll shut us down i'm like okay why did you overpack it in the first place yeah what the fuck and like why is that my problem so i'm like so basically waited another hour in line watching the game on my phone until it was over and then they finally let me

back in and luckily my friend had two beers and a shot waiting for me and i just guzzled them i binge drink binge drank severely from the hours of like 3 30 to about 8 p.m it was bad to try to catch up and i kind of over corrected and went the other way that's how it goes yeah so you know but on the other side i was home in bed by like 9 p.m and it was fantastic i was i was asleep took three ibuprofen a bunch of melatonin and just knocked my big beautiful self out of my bed um then sunday was super productive went to uh did my taxes worked out um ran some errands got a nice little dress shirt for a wedding I got coming up next week, got a pocket square, got a fire pocket square. If any of you have any recommendations

on how to do a pocket square, let me know. I think you just stuff it in there, right? There's ways to do it. Fold it like a napkin, like a triangle. Is that it? Is that all you have to do? Do you know paper mache? That's the simple way. No, I don't.

Wait, is that the dunk the pocket square in water and glue and then slap it on your chest glue yeah you want actually you want the pocket square right there you want the pocket square to be 3d coming out of your pocket that'd be pretty sick though i'm there would be i this might be um lead into our next topic as we talk about um kind of cory's but if you guys have any recommendations because the wedding i'm going to next week um next week or i guess i guess it's two weekends not this upcoming weekend but the final weekend is in key west florida it's outdoors so i'm gonna be sweating i'm gonna be schvitzing Does anyone have any recommendations on how not to sweat through my suit and through my shirt?

Please hit me up. I was looking. There's fancy t-shirts you can buy that have padding. Everyone's like, wear linen. I'm like, I don't own any linen. Are you in the wedding or are you just going to the wedding? I'm not even wearing a tie. I'm wearing a suit and I'm unbuttoning the dress shirt already at the start.

Just don't wear a suit. Hawaiian shirt and then a speedo done you'll be breezy it's outside okay done they did just say vacation best they didn't specialize so fine i mean same so all right fun and then uh yes similarly like i kind of took it slightly easy this weekend uh because this upcoming weekend is st patrick's day in chicago which is the international get drunk and watch the river turn green and start drinking at 8 a.m literally we have a table at a bar at 8 a.m so um your boy's gonna die but I do die, it was nice knowing all of you. So I'm going to give it my weekend. All right, where do I get it?

Three H&R blocks because I did my taxes on Sunday. Okay. Nice. Bryguy, how was the weekend? Bad. Bad. So I saw Batman with Corey. I mean, I got to bring gotta bring us down every week you know

i saw batman with cory on thursday night we had an 11 p.m showing it's a three hour long movie it ended at 2 30 a.m my bad um it was the only time we could go it's fine but going into it like right after dinner i was like hey i don't feel too great but it's fine and i went to the movie and it's like super late so you gotta like stay awake either like drinking soda or eating candy big candy boy so i eat like a giant bag of uh not like sour patch kids but similar stuff and then like chocolate covered pretzels and that did not help the stomach woke up felt miserable uh spent the whole day in bed didn't eat food all day i had like oatmeal for breakfast and then nothing for the rest of the day woke up the next day had a bar crawl to go to felt fine in the morning had like oatmeal again went on a bar crawl for like six hours had nachos at the end of the bar

crawl that was a bad idea came home felt sick again went to bed woke up still felt sick didn't eat anything except for a plain bagel for breakfast lunch and dinner and then monday felt like half decent and today i feel okay so been rough rooks question how uh how unbelievably shredded did you look for the bar girl like how lean did you look going into it i'm gonna say i've lost five pounds oh my god it's cutting season brother hell yeah if you don't eat for three days you're gonna lose five pounds. Shit. Oh, my God. It's cutting season, brother. Hell yeah. If you don't eat for three days, you're going to lose five pounds. I looked great, but also emaciated and did not feel good.

But the bar crawl, though, I felt okay for a couple hours, so I went there. Corey, question. Yeah. Was it the same bagel for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, or three different bagels? It was the same type of bagel, but I didn't have a bite of the same bagel for breakfast lunch and dinner or three different bagels it was the same type of bagel but i didn't like have a bite of the same bagel that's what you're asking yeah okay yes okay thank you thank you thank you audience um bar crawl though first guy oh zach has a question did the uh did the cutting work did you notice better results at the bar in terms of you

making friends less getting attention by losing the five pounds even though you felt terrible I talked to a lot of people mostly dudes

so I mean had my shirt on so but it was a white t-shirt you wore a white t-shirt right so it's basically

see-through St. Patrick's Day type bar crawl so it was green green so so you looked at the Hulk then but a skinny Hulk It was basically see-through. St. Patrick's Day type bar crawl, so it was green. So you looked like the Hulk then. But a skinny Hulk.

I look like Bruce Banner. That's not a good look. Okay, that was it. Thank you. Thank you. First person I meet when I show up to the bar crawl, this dude has two thumb rings on, and I'm immediately just like, man, I don't like anybody here. Same thumb?

Different thumbs? Both thumbs. One on each thumb. Okay. Yeah. He ended up being half decent. He was all right. But I judged him very harshly.

Yeah, being a judgy guy, you give a fuck about people wearing rings, Burn? Like, who gives a shit? Have you ever met someone who wore a thumb ring and be like, man, probably gonna be friends with that guy. with i don't know because i'm not looking at their fucking fingers man dude when you're at a bar and they're holding a drink in front of you and they're like first off it wasn't just his thumbs it was pretty much every finger he had to bring on dude looked like thanos for some reason hard no it's it's like 10 a.m and when it's like not

saint patrick's day but we're celebrating saint pat. Patrick's Day. You don't need all that. Dude, I would rock the shit out of a pinky ring if I could, dude. That'd be my first purchase if I had a bunch of money. It'd be a grill and then a pinky ring. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You don't think you can afford a pinky ring right now? But a nice one. I can afford a crappy pinky ring.

But I want to be like when Drake says, I would pinky swear, but my pinky ring too big. That's what I want to be. I need to buy a big enough pinky ring. So just a really fat piece of metal on her ring. Got a ring pop. I can put like a lug nut on there, but no one's going to be like, hey, nice pinky ring, brother. You know where you could get one? Jiffy Lube.

I don't think anyone's going to say, hey, nice pinky ring, even if it has a big fat diamond on it. If somebody does say, hey, nice pinky ring, they're probably not actually meaning nice pinky ring. I'm just going to say it. Or they also have a pinky ring. Yeah. All right. We digress. I don't like thumb rings.

So that was the beginning. Like two, three bars in, I ran into this one dude. We talked. Each bar was an hour. I talked to him for the entire hour found out his entire life story he told me about how he institutionalized himself and then while he was uh bipolar and manic in his manic state he wrote a screenplay but then when he was out of his manic state he had to decipher that screenplay because then he didn't understand it because he wasn't manic anymore and so he had to like go into his like bipolar again to

sort of like translate it for himself and go back and forth that's so wild it was sick though it was such a good story i was in yeah i would absolutely listen to this fucker talk for an hour oh my god it was awesome also we're like four bars in so he's like four beers deep not that drunk but man he didn't let me speak at all it was great though and then like um he talked about that same like screenplay he like gave to his friend and they were like writing it together and then he like posted it to some forum and like everyone loves it and he's like all right he was also an eod specialist in the military so the guy who diffuses bombs and he was like telling me all his war stories and stuff like that and how he got kicked out of the military because he was medically discharged because of all his like health problems i was like

man also then he dropped the bombing he's like 40 years old he does not look 40 which i was surprised one i don't know it was it was crazy and he was like man good talk and then he just like walked away and i didn't talk to him for the rest of the time i was there this makes me think or realize that i've probably missed so many good stories on bar crawls meeting random people but i've been just hammered out of my mind and can't remember. 100%. If I could go back and like recount or bookmark

all these conversations, that'd be like God, I'm not going to not drink but it makes you think. At least slow down at the beginning so you can talk to one person and then figure it out later. Man sounds like Paul Dano's Riddler combined with the punisher yeah but like on the good side of that like in another couple years we'll hear about him i hope he checks back yeah it was crazy that was it was

so entertaining um but then i ate nachos and felt nauseous and went home and then didn't eat food for another day so bad call by me um i'm gonna start doing a weekly segment called my un-recommendation of the week because i've been watching a lot of bad tv and movies i talked to cory about this uh the tv show the white lotus not good do not recommend the premise is like the all these people go to like a hotel in hawaii and stuff goes wrong all it is is like the room is wrong and like they get into fights. It's not like there's a cult and they kill them. It's just like they're inconvenienced. And then the show ends.

It's horrible. That's my own recommendation of the week. Don't watch it. But my rating for the week four days of bread. Because I didn't eat anything. Corey, this episode is about you. i know we want to make it about uh russian roulette condoms but i think we i think we put a pin in

that and we come back to it at the end of the episode i kind of really enjoyed that all right i'm fine with that brainstorm for the next 30 minutes and and we'll come back cory how was your weekend pass um no uh so piggybacking off brian batman thursday night 3 a.m bad deal i'm going through the whole weekend because that's just starting what do you want from it? It's just funny. Just because something life-changing happened. I mean, like, you act as if I'm surprised that it happened this weekend. Like, somebody saw it coming. It's still like. That'd be like if I won the lottery.

We don't break protocol. We don't break protocol here. I'm going through my weekend. Because you know what? There's no rules. Thursday leads into Friday. And I have some points on Friday that coincide and then we keep going.

The floor is yours, sir. So anyway, Thursday late night, Friday, didn't have any plans because I had something special happening on Saturday and like didn't want to, I don't don't know go out have a big night or whatever so i asked claire knowing what was gonna happen on saturday uh to like go out and have a date night so we went out had a date night um realizing because i just like wanted to like go like chit chat go to the bar so we went had like sushi went to the bar had like i wanted i was just thinking we're gonna have have a Southside, go out to Jimmy Dean's kind of a night,

but it ended up just being us sitting at the bar talking for a really long time, which was awesome. Highly recommend. The night before. Talking to your fiancée? Yeah. Hey, spoilers, Burn. No.

You get some good material. you get some good material you get some good material so uh i honestly like don't really remember much of anything on saturday morning because uh i had stuff on my mind and so then i had a plan to go out with the Big Hole guys and Claire Baird. Shout out. Shout out. Every pod gets a shout out. So we went out to, Claire and I went on our first date at this place up at Mount Washington called The View in Pittsburgh. And so we went and grabbed dinner, or we were grabbing dinner there, but we were grabbing drinks beforehand across the street at Monterey Bay.

Went there. And then went outside. Dan and Jill strategically asked if we wanted to get our pictures out with the Pittsburgh View. And then I... Pushed her off the cliff. I got engaged.

She's dead now. No. Yeah. Got on one knee, asked Claire if she would marry me. She said yes against her will. I want that on the record. He pulled the condom gun out. Man.

Now whatever. That would be tough. He pulled the condom gun out with the ring in it to put it on her finger. Yo, I'm done. I'm so done with this shit. I'm so done. I hate such a bunch of this. The Wile E. Coyote where it's just the flag that says bang but it says

will you marry me and then there's a ring on the end Jesus Christ so yeah so we went out celebrated we went had lots of drinks some could argue too many drinks we went back to go like celebrate with our family and again had that plan the whole week leading up

keeping a secret from a family of eight siblings is a little difficult so there's a lot of confusion throughout the week uh like is is her brother gonna come home from nashville things like that um she didn't see it coming we can call her and you can ask her but i don't believe she saw it coming um and we went and celebrated um drank a crap ton uh had the dog picked up brought over because i do i wasn't driving anywhere after going to their place um i ended up i told zach this on sunday because he facetimed me and like definitely browned out at the very minimum at their place and then so they they're like finishing their basement and so like i was gonna stay in the basement uh mid i laid down

got the room spinning this is at like three in the morning or whatever the room spinning had to go get up and yak but i yakked in a toilet that's not hooked up with water let's fucking go so welcome to the family i had to yeah i had to get on cleaning duty a little bit while your boy was not in a good state uh but it was awesome was your shirt on or off i'm imagining with your shirt off just picking puke out of the toilet no it was on my guy i was like look i'm at i'm at claire's parents house i'm not like walking around in my boxers and that's it oh buddy when i come home when i get the spins the first thing i do is rip the shirt off and crank the ac down to like 65 degrees i need that i need it cold i mean once you get that

unfinished base with that unfinished cement floor i'd be starfishing on there brother yeah oh thing to note um because i've mentioned it before because emotional boyo here i know rooks is too zach don't know about you and i know brian is not so many this man is allergic to emotions i have so many emotions i just don't cry i feel everything else put it on a shirt put it on a shirt i still cry but i feel everything else You know next episode we'll diagnose you That was tough I feel like that was someone's like Myspace status like when My Chemical Romance

Was popping in like 2007 It's night will be the night Sorry we keep Fucking getting away from this This huge thing that happened to Corey But to be fair he started off with Batman shit. Keep going, Corey. It's part of the weekend.

Dan and Jill, teary eyes. Me, teary eyes because I can't get through a sentence. Allergies. Yeah, allergies. It is spring. Actually, Claire, that's what it was. But Claire, just straight face, no emotion classic um nice she's a strong one uh that's no secret so yeah so no emotion what's the advice you started this out

with uh advice to us because we're emotional yeah i don't recall great job great job dude i'll take that to heart i'll remember that next time yeah i'll always it's gonna be there forever and i must have blacked out again anyway two-day hangover uh started euphoria on sunday because your boy couldn't do anything else terrible show to try to watch when you're super hungover and just want to sleep because i actually got hooked into it so claire and i are now binging that um had the weird like realization of like so both of us married no i mean like obviously thought about that clearly but like it like i don't know like we ended up hanging out all day sunday obviously and we're like so like now what like it's just like it's time to plan a wedding

yeah like babies so so yeah i got that to look forward to so maybe i'll do a whole wedding planning uh little uh little piece little centerpiece colors yeah that's what the audience wants that exactly um so i'll rank my weekend one fiance. Yay. And I feel like it's a very accurate ranking for once. Congratulations. You two. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does clear not show emotion? No. Really? Correct.

All right. I didn't know that. That's hot. I don't know. I just see some tears. I feel like burn notes are better than you. I don't know. I didn't say that. I just said, I didn't know that that's hot i don't know see some tears i feel like burn no i feel like burn knows her better than you i don't know i didn't say that i just said i don't know i just didn't know that i mean she has every girl i'm like deathly terrified of not crying when my future bride walks down the aisle because i feel like someone's gonna kill me if i don't cry

like the amount of social media tiktoks and stuff that i've been pushing on my throat that if if or comments like if my husband doesn't cry when i'm walking down the aisle i'm turning around i don't know like i mean like i don't think i'll cry you could fake it we got you just that's what your best man's there for a bucket of water and just just dump it on my face do it do it uh dennis it's always so always sunny does have a have an onion in your pocket just at all times you know you just you start moving your eyes down towards your pocket and you're crying uh yeah i feel like all like the good weddings i've been to they cried so there's the pressures on you you know you're not gonna know until the moment though

i'll make you cry. Yeah, just make me laugh. Be in the audience and do something stupid. Help me out, okay? Do we want to call the bride-to-be to get her opinion on why she didn't cry and why she said yes? And if she has any regrets two days in. I'll leave you guys up for the questions.

All right. Hello? Hello, Claire. Hello? Can you hear me? Is this spam? Yes, this is spam. Okay, I'm hanging up.

No, don't. The guys want to ask you about your weekend i don't know if they have any prepared questions i highly doubt it um good luck okay oh i definitely have a prepared question why do you say yes the biggest mistake in your life you know the rock on my finger was kind of the only reason yeah the resale for his money yeah yeah i actually already sold it we're not getting married nice it's a good investment i'm kidding i'm kidding cory no i'm not cory are you kidding me yeah who does uh follow-up question what did did he say? Because I asked him before.

Oh, you can't. No, you can't do that. What did I say? Question of, do you remember what he said? And did he have a speech? You don't have to say what he said, but did he have a little speech? Because I asked him, and he was like, I'm just going to wing it. You know, I love her.

Yeah, I mean, it didn't seem like it was like an overly prepared speech but like you know he i think had things he wanted to say and he did but i also like was so excited i definitely blacked out so i don't remember like all the specifics okay um yeah damn it that was gonna be my question my question was gonna be like while cory was giving a speech did you listen to anything or were you just so excited in the moment but that answers yeah i like started listening i like started listening and then i just i was yeah like so excited but like you know yeah yeah i blacked out i definitely blacked out zaddy do you have any questions um but it didn't seem like he it wasn't like he wasn't

like oh like you know i love you and i love you bitch like never just stop loving you yeah no it was good it was good it was perfect kudos cory good job on the speech zach um what was one thing he could have done done better what is this what is this job interview that i'm here for it's a deep reach oh my gosh you guys are animals what could have done better literally nothing except except literally nothing but but what he him wearing a jacket kind of like threw me for a loop because it was like 72 degrees outside and i was like why is he wearing a jacket like i didn't know because i'm dumb but i also was like wondering so i would just like i don't know where else you want to put it like he doesn't have a purse i mean i don't i don't mean to um interrupt you but you said everything was perfect and then you said except for one thing.

So saying except for one thing means everything wasn't perfect, but it's fine. And she'll remember that day forever, the imperfect engagement day. No, it was perfect. All right, I have one last question. Okay. Where's his ring at what are you proposing he gets it on the wedding day oh so big rock um no a band a full band that's going to be playing We Didn't Start the Fire. Thanks, Claire. Do you want a big rock, Corey? I could start saving now.

Pinky ring. I want a full band. Yeah, or a pinky ring. Or a grill. Oh, a pinky ring. I'd do a grill would be tough. Okay. Claire, grill for your teeth.

I actually have a fifth question. If you met a guy and he had two thumb rings on, just immediate thoughts, do you think you're going to like him or no? Two thumb rings? One on each thumb? Yeah. That's what I asked. No. What's the point? Thank you. What's the point in wearing a thumb ring?

You're the best. What's the point in a guy wearing a ring that's not a wedding ring? Fashion? Meh. Gross fashion. Jeez. Like class rings, that type of shit, I hate. Claire's not here body bagging people.

Sorry about any of you. Sorry about any of you wearing those. Burn, get her off the air before we lose the entire ring community. Yeah, the ring community is a big listener here. Thank you, Claire. Appreciate you. Congrats. You got it.

You're welcome. Congrats. Thank you. What an idiot. She disagreed with you, man. Oh man oh no she's the best yeah i'm so happy rings and thumb rings for a second she was like why even wear rings and you were like well i mean i didn't expect her to double down so hard dude we could we could like those aren't that expensive i feel like we could each get grills

you're actually like i don't know you'd have to get like you'd have to get like real ones like Dude, we could... Grills aren't that expensive. I feel like we could each get grills. You're actually like, I don't already have them. You'd have to get real ones. You'd have to get full... It'd be like a grand. I don't have a G to throw on diamonds that I'm putting in my mouth. That's really not that bad, though. I'm surprised.

I saw mine from Dave... Shout out Rooks' 6th grade birthday party. Went to Dave & Buster's. All my tickets, though. I'm surprised. It is not that bad. I saw mine from Dave and... Shout out Rooks' sixth grade birthday party. Went to Dave and Buster's. All my tickets. Guess what I bought? A grill. I did the same thing. I had the same thing.

Dude, I still think I have it. Or if I don't, I threw it away like one year ago. Like, it was sick. It's blue and white. Fucking fire. I'll break it out sometime. Should've worn some Penn State games man that's true

school colors that would've been tough messed up alright but hey so hold on hold on let's do this let's each have our

one request for Corey and Claire's wedding one of each request that we want to have that I have to say yes to no no no just that puts it in your brain

I mean if you want to I don't care you can make that decision if you want but alright my request is sloppy joes as the meal and you can't say no

of all the things that you could have said like thank you for not going way off the deep end there I'm gonna ruin everybody's clothes they ain't my clothes knots going way off the deep end there i'm gonna ruin everybody's clothes just gonna hey they ain't my clothes

one of them is next question um i would like to request um i would like to request um a taylor set up just in case you know your boy gets too low on the dance floor pants rip i need to be sewn up stat i need it like this guy's bleeding out get him on the dance floor, pants rip, I need to be sewn up stat. I need it like, this guy's bleeding out, get him on the cart. It's going to be that, but my legs are going to be in the air, and this lady's going to be sewing my pants together.

They get a gurney that they lift you on, and then they just put you on the buffet table or whatever. Yeah. SOS by Rihanna starts playing. I need it stat, okay? I need my pants sewn stat. Hold on. In all seriousness, I'm writing SOS by Rihanna on the wedding playlist.

That works too. Like what I said slash that. I can tell what you were trying to say that whole time and I got it. I'm going to go one and a half requests. I'd like bowls of fruit. Please stick to the rules, please. I mean, I got a second request if you want to do it. We need to.

I'd like, along with the cakes, I assume you're doing cake. If you do cake. If you don't do cake, regardless if you do cake or not. My guy, it's been two days. I don't know what I'm doing. Can I just request to have bowls of fruit snacks scattered across the dessert table? Oh. Yes.

Fruit snacks at the keg. So we have salapijas and we have fruit snacks. And then I also want to request a photo booth with fun hats. Oh, yeah. That's classic. That's easy. Corey, my next request is you have to play our podcast theme song at some point. I don't care when.

Just between the music starting at the wedding and the music ending at the wedding. Does it have to be at the reception or can it be at the ceremony? I mean, preferably the ceremony. Okay. You could do a string quartet version. I got a great idea. Before the ceremony is playing, as like the instrumental music, right?

Normally there's instrumental music. People are kind of walking and meandering around the seat saying hi to your friend. They have to say hi to your parents. I haven't seen them in a while. Your distant relatives I've never met before. But you get to pick one episode of our podcast that plays in the background instead of the orchestraramural like the uh like the orchestra music while everyone's like before the wedding starts

and there's so many appropriate ones to pick from condom gun conversation on lock all right rook second recommendation you got it last last uh last request um oh man it's just hard because like you know like you guys have hit so many good ones um i would like to make it um can you make it a venue that allows for public urination but it's like honor system like you can't just like piss on the dance floor but like you have to like turn away into a corner like if the venue allows like and like obviously you have to step outside too like you can't just be pissing like in the corner of like a building but like if i could go outside into like a bush and just like kind of shy away for half a

second like that would be lovely all right so i'm writing down public tasteful urination or should it be tasteful public urination oh no get a coctagon please get a coctagon please for the love of god get a coctagon for the viewers that don't know at penn state the porta potties and the tailgating lots there's literally for like there's a men's bathroom that's just like eight urinals together in a fucking octagon and it's like one full like porta potty kind of uh kind of room i guess i don't know what to call it arena do you want an arena yes do you want like upscale porta potties that have like the working sink and stuff or do you want the nitty-gritty, dirty, gritty ones? Nitty-gritty ones.

You've got to have one that's locked. No one knows why, but it's just locked. One that has a risk of toppling over. Are you writing this down? I don't see a pen. Can you read them back to us? Yeah. Sloppy Joes's tailored to sew clothes together

uh fruit stacks photo booth with fun hats that that seems out of place but whatever that seems like an actual idea public tasteful urination parentheses cocktail perfect uh one one more that i'm surprised zach hasn't said. Can you have a bowl of nicotine pouches? Oh, buddy. Could you imagine? Every row of the church. And make sure the bar has Red Bull. Or if it doesn't have Red Bull, let me know beforehand so I can bring some with. So I can do Red Bull.

I assume sugar-free Red Bull. Sugar-free Red Bulls and nicotine pouches. You can even mix the fruit snacks with the nicotine pouches. I feel like that's a good combo. It's a fun little surprise. Guys, like you might accidentally chew on a nicotine patch? No, but it's like, you know, I feel like fruit snacks are like nicotine for kids. And nicotine pouches are nicotine for adults.

Big League Chew is like nicotine for kids. That's true. true i'm gonna have so much nicotine on saturday st patrick's day it's gonna be a problem my heart's gonna be going i'm gonna get the alert from my apple watch being like yo champ you should sit down s.o.s please request for me i might even get set that up if my heart rate gets over 200 to set set out an sos request jesus christ thank you for listening wait i'm an ice man power wait what what you got you got another one no horoscope what are we missing we didn't we didn't do good engagement versus bad engagement we're an hour in boy bro i got this shit repaired i'll fucking quick hit this shit i don't care quick it in 10 seconds dude 10 seconds fuck it we'll now fuck it i'll do the horoscope

radius and review five stars spotify and apple thank you for listening rooks what are the horoscopes um you might get engaged probably not though Outro Music