It’s Wednesday My Dudes - Ep. 76: Hot Milk Dispenser

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

Bedazzled crocs, stranger sleepers, heaven poop stats, and more on this weeks episode of IWMD. The boyos talk through the missed draft picks from last weeks "burn" draft, call a female in the field to talk sherbet, and pick out what stats they want from God when they die. Rate us 5 stars on Spotify! and leave a review and rate on Apple Podcasts! Links here to follow on social media! and find other places to listen!

And here we go. Cool. Hey, guys. Good to be back. Oh, shit, Fred. That's right. Brian's gone. So much better than last week.

Yeah, last week was the best. One, you started out so weak. Corey's food takes the absolute worst in the world. He's like, hey, guys, you ever tried rice before? Man, it's crazy. He's like, a plain bagel with strawberry cream cheese like expand your horizons in any direction i mean please i have other stuff it's just my uh-huh okay anyways i'm gonna keep moving on uh but yeah if you ever want to like stroke your ego but also feel very very very strange at the same time have all your

friends talk about you and draft all your weird like quirks all at the same time. Have all your friends talk about you and draft all your weird quirks all at the same time. Hearing them back to back to back to back to back really made me way too self-aware of myself. You're welcome. Thank you, but also it was strange. Are you doing your soapbox segment now or are we doing that once the episode starts? I'm soapboxing right now.

I think he's doing it now. He came in heavy with his pants. This kind of sounds like it. I got notes. The white t-shirt no pit stains it's because you go deodorant not antiperspirant if it's white it'll stay in your shirt because it has like aluminum in it otherwise you're fine so well that's bang bang that's not an option for your boy because i fucking i need antiperspirant my guy uh yeah that's kind of the... That's the caveat. Great t-shirt. You could do it. It still works. And then Hanes t-shirt, because

they're the comfiest. Every other t-shirt's like three times as thick and just like hot. Buy Hanes Comfort and Soft from Walmart. They're like $7 for like three of them. Come on. Run through those. Never spending money. It goes back to me never spending money on anything either.

It all comes full circle. Honestly, I'm surprised you splurged for the Hanes if I'm being 100% honest. They're the cheapest ones. No, there's got to be some rattier. I could not name one other white t-shirt brand. Gotta say it right now. Glitter Loom?

Or is Fruit of the Loom that? Fruit of the Loom. They're all pretty much the same. You go to Costco, get a Great Value white t-shirt, so I bet those exist. That's not worth it. That's where you draw the line. I'll pay an extra 50 cents for a shirt to be comfy.

I'm not that cheap. Whoa. Big spender. Really splurging. You call me out for taking home food. I do eat it all later. Rooks always was talking about how it's a weird combination of stuff taking home food uh i do eat it all later rooks always was talking about how it's a weird combination of stuff you don't have to eat it all at the same time man just because it's in the same box doesn't mean you can't take out a little bit of it eat the french toast then later eat like the bacon or whatever like i'm not that strange um

but also just goes back to saving money so So like maybe there's a theme here. I do love appetizers, so thank you for picking it. I'm best pick of the draft. And you said notes. I need to like sign up for iCloud or something because all the notes I have, it's a text file. It takes up like a kilobyte. Come on, you're better than that. Also, I would not spend money on iCloud,

so like use your head. I think we said that. I think so like use your head i think we i think we said that i think we said that afterwards i think we said there's no way he would pay for that so that's not true also cory called out the black burton hoodie which didn't expect also was wearing it when i was flying listening to this so of course you were nice i'm impressed uh and the burn nickname rooks you told the story correctly. Teddy just thought that people in the South said Brian with an accent and it sounded like Byrne. It's really stupid. And it stuck.

It's so good. He was the first one to introduce me. He was the one to introduce me as that. And you took over that mantle once we went to left fall semester. It was not good. Um, I've been working on backing down from arguments. It's been a, i think i'm a little bit better hey progress the shout out to hot mike did not expect but shout out and then the one you

didn't say which i really thought cory was gonna harp on is just 80 oh yeah my memory is like pretty good but i always forget the last 20 of anything that's like like nonsense facts or like i don't yeah i don't have like an example it's like people's names yeah it's like what's a what's a famous quote from like forrest gump uh life is like a box of chocolates you'd be like life is like a box of crayons and'd be like, life is like a box of crayons. And I'd be like, you're real close, man. Like, you're really close. I feel like crayons would be way better because, like, that saying, I know what I'm going to get. I'm going to get chocolate.

Like, one might have caramel in it, but it's still going to be some sort of chocolate. Yeah, but you could get, like, the ones with nuts or, like, the orange one or, like, the strawberry one. There's different fillings of chocolate, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, but crayons are more, like, variety-packed. I feel like crayons would be a better representation of life in the world. But they also have what they are, like, written on them, right? So, like, you always know what you're getting with crayons. So it'd be the opposite of the saying.

Yeah, the second part of the saying is kind of the most important part. It's not, like, life is chocolate. Yeah, but... It's that you don't know what you're going to get. No, I think, like, the saying should have been, but you don't even get chocolate, so it's not fully... It should be, like, life is like a golden corral buffet are they gonna have the ribs there i have no idea one with the with crayons too when you open the box and

look in the box you see the colors you're gonna grab yeah yeah you know exactly what you're gonna get when you reach in there uh-huh unless we're talking 64 pack when we have orange yellow orange and mac and cheese next to each other which are all pretty derivative of each other but like i don't have the money to splurge on that red orange and orange red were my least favorite combination what's the difference good sherbert color though you ever buy sherbert is it is the flavor orange red no but like that color reminds me of sherbert okay sure isn't a whole bunch of colors though like i don't like your taste today right now crayon needs to team up with whatever make brand makes

sherbert and just make crayon flavored sherbert see if macaroni sherbert are sherbert like are sherbert and sorbet the same thing i think sherbert has some sort of milk in it no it's it's the same thing it's just like the dumbed down southern version of saying the word is sherbert and sorbet spelled the same sherbert isn't a word i think it is this sounds like a females in the field question why would that be is this sounds like a females in the field question why would that be why would it be a female in the fields all right i'll call some i'll call somebody sure who do we think is our sherbert expert out there i'm so curious now don't look it up don't look it up brooks yeah yeah call amanda okay give me up Give me a pause for a minute.

I'll set this up. Do you want us to talk in the middle? No. I mean, if you want to. Amanda's in the middle. She's in the middle of moving across the country, and you're going to call her right now? It's going to be perfect.

She lives in Texas, right? She has both. Isn't she from New Jersey originally or New York? She's from PA. She lived in New York. Then she lives in Texas. So she has a southern thing down. So realistically, she's been around multiple places where they could have said it differently.

I mean, you don't have to call her because I have the answer. Why would you look it up? This is way to be a fun-runner. Do you open your presents before Christmas too, asshole? I was just curious. I needed to know the difference for myself. We were going to look it up anyway. That's about the popsicles.

I feel like I'm on hold. Hello? Amanda, we have a question for you. Hey. This is Corey, also, by the way, so you know who's asking the question. Okay, so it came up. Fair enough. It came, by the way, so you know who's asking the question. Okay. I know your voice. It's good.

Fair enough. It came up on the pod, and you've traveled many places, so we figured we'd call you. Is sherbet the same as sorbet? Is it spelled different? Is it the same word, your opinions, or facts? We'll take them as facts. I'm going to go with spelled different and taste the same perfect taste the same taste the same so it's the same exact thing right or wrong no spelled different spelled different but taste

the same yeah okay i'm ron burgundy that's a fair that's a fair answer i think thank you yeah i'm more of an i'm a sausage girl so soft serve what oh i thought you said she's more of a sausage girl which i also would have appreciated soft girl soft serve girl you name it it's me all right appreciate it you're gonna be our ice cream expert out in the field. What are your thoughts on Halo Top ice cream? Overpriced.

You've got to go with the store-brand ice cream. It's always much better. There it is. Zach is trying to shill us some Halo Top. No. No. Why pay $10 for a pint of ice cream when you can pay $3.50 and it tastes much better?

That's fair. I agree. This is Zach. I have a question. How many calories are in a regular Popsicle, do you think? 69. I'm pretty close. Good answer.

Good answer. Write that down. Write that down. Write that down. Last question. How's the move going? It's good. We're about to pop some champagne. We just learned that in Connecticut, they don't put cheese on pizza.

What do they put on pizza? So it's just bread and sauce. What? And like sprinkle cheese Oh They do like the parmesan on it Where they drizzle it Pecorino Romano Like shredded or like the powdered stuff

In a can Okay powdered I hope it doesn't come from a can But it's like a famous pizza place So Like a plastic I've seen this before this isn't that weird Okay, powdered. I hope it doesn't come from a can. But it's like a famous pizza place, so... Like a plastic... I've seen this before. This isn't that weird. You should move back.

I'm sure she's going to get in the car and turn around. Texans think dominoes are world class, so... I'm going to eat this thing. You're talking to the wrong people. Dominoes? No, we drove past the dominoes yesterday and I screamed dominoes at the top of my lungs because I was listening to the pod and Sam was very confused. She gets it. She gets it.

I get it. Incredible. Well, we love you. Thank you for being our expert. We'll call you back again. Love you, Amanda. Love you. Bye. Love you.

Incredible. Was she correct, Rook correct rooks no she wasn't i love you but um so i looked it up on my phone zach was right so sherbert has a dairy product in it and then sorbet doesn't have any dairy in it the milkman strikes again but i love you amanda i'm so sorry for immediately shooting you down but she was close with the 65 calories she was confident i think what i think the bomb pop i looked at is it 40 calories cory uh uh stall stall stall it is 40 calories yeah see i think it's more of a sugar play then i think there's just less sugar in the in the halo top ones dude there are more calories the calories come from the sugar i don't think i don't think that's how that science works we can't keep coming up with questions to ask

people call amanda back Do we know any scientists? Do we know any scientists? Not any good ones. Specifically Popsicle scientists. If anybody is my friend and I forgot you're a scientist, I'm so sorry. Oh, Nites, my bad. Pharmacist Nites, my bad. Do you see a Popsicle scientist? Dude, if you could put your drugs in popsicles,

kind of like how you would give your dog and you put them in peanut butter, if you could somehow put your drugs inside popsicles and you just go to the pharmacy and it's right next to the frozen section. That actually is a really good idea and I think Brian should clip this out so we don't give it away. I would say, Brian, write that down in our list of... Write that down.

Write that down. Oh, it could go in the Shark Tank list. Man, it's been a while since we've had a good idea for shark tank and by good idea i mean an idea for shark tank hey the condom gun it has its flaws but we're getting there okay qa is gonna be a disaster ah look we're gonna ship a few over to croatia they'll test them for not croatia oh ukraine they'll test them for us and then what's the shit all right first off why are we mentioning ukraine second uh because brian's back that's why what's that shit on shark tank uh what's the shit that lori partners with qvc or whatever yeah we're we're we're in talks with qvc right now on the

condom gun they hated it out the gates but we're making tweaks it's gonna be like the it's always sunny thing where they're selling the fight milk and they're doing like the the chest raises and the arm slashes condom gun bang i got some last minute additions to the brian draft from amanda if you want oh yes absolutely uh number one your talent in making people feel bad about themselves, but yet also being a fiercely loyal friend. That's like mine. That's specifically a man. You said I had a hobo aesthetic. No, I said you look kept and unkept at the same time.

And then you said, yeah, it's a hobo aesthetic. Those are two different qualities also. Well, mine's like the physical manifestation of that, and this mine's like the physical manifestation of that and this one is like the internal manifestation of that somehow amanda's was a nicer even though she said that you make people feel like shit so i don't know i mean she's a nurse because of me so you're welcome amanda really made her break down into tears in chemistry class and you know tough love tell how they do it in the army. Number two, your casual responses to finding strange women in your bed.

That was one time. One of my favorite stories of all time. What a hit. It's so good. I feel like we've told it. I don't know what else you'd do. I think it was a pretty good response. Wait, I haven't heard the story.

Okay. Really? Don't worry. Your boy's got it. Just tell me the response. Just tell me the response. There was no response. Oh, I? Don't worry. Your boy's got it. Or just tell me the response. Or just tell me the response. There was no response. Oh, I just, I went to class.

Oh, you slept there. So, I wake up. I wake up. I forgot what I did the night before. Can I tell my side? Because you woke up way later than I did. This is a long intro. Burn, yeah.

Oh, hold on, hold on. It's Wednesday. Do you want me to like hit? Do, do, do, do. Can you take off your titties? Take off your titties? My nipples are hard now. Number one, remove your bra.

I like nuts. This is in my butt. I'm ready to go. Golf is a sexy thing. My dick will go like, boop, and just flip inside out, and it'll turn into a vagina. And you take me. Hi, boys. And of course, Pennsylvania.

You leave the butter in the crack. Why is my spaghetti fizzy? I want to kiss you on the mouth, baby. God damn, he's so good. Yeah, he calls me big time. Ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah.

Of course, it makes me dookie. If you just wanted to slurp something and then spit it back out. And then I swallow. I want to die. Raw dog and lower. Kid's shirt, he based her nipples. He's got sloth. Rock's dick has anchor arms.

I think I got to get out of here. I was going to get the paintbrush. I have a fucking great question. Who has vertical butt cheeks? To the death. No, Bob, look it down. I'm fucking with this fucking guy, man. It is Wednesday, my dudes.

Welcome back to another episode of It's Wednesday, My Dudes. Episode 76. I'm back from touching butts and finding treasure in the ocean bobbing for cranberries yeah bogging for cranberries uh break out the bibles we're talking heaven this week but before we get there story about college so let me my side first because i woke up way before you did um hey everyone it's background oh zach's here his core is here rooks is here hi all right so i launched this long distance girlfriend and she was coming up on friday afternoon thursday night me and rooks

were roommates freshman year he and our dorm left at like 10 p.m to go to a concert and you left with i think like bp and amanda they were just like hanging out but you all left at the same time and you're like leave the door unlocked because when i come back i'm not going to be able to like have my key or something i don't know so i left the door unlocked i woke up in the middle of the night and you like stumbled back in fell in your bed and i heard a girl's voice or something and i was like all right they brought him back or like you were with a friend rooks is back and i fell asleep again and i woke up again and someone's like pushing me and i was like ah what i'm going to bed i fell asleep again and then i woke up like smushed against the wall because it's a twin-sized bed in the dorm and there was like my back was touching someone else's back and i was like maybe that's just like amanda

or something and they like they need to they just crashed here and i was like it's fine it's the middle of the night i'm going to bed so i fell asleep again but my alarm came went off in the morning and i was like we'll have to get the class and like i was like i don't care to figure out who this is but i like rolled over them and stood up and i looked at them i was like that's not amanda that's also not anybody i know and they're also in like sleep clothes so it wasn't someone who went out at night was too drunk stumbled back to the dorm and fell asleep it was someone who like just went

to the wrong room and then fell asleep in my bed but I wasn't gonna wake him up because like I don't know I was like I'm gonna leave that I'm gonna leave that to Rooks he can deal with it I'm going to class it was this 8 a.m. class too so early to deal with that I wake up deathly hungover.

I go yak in the bathroom. I'm all hazy. My contacts are all fucking dried out and shit. I see, so, Byrne's girlfriend, who he's supposed to visit, she had blonde hair. I look in the bed. I see a blonde-haired person.

I was like, oh, she came to surprise him. That's cool. I lay back down, think nothing of it. I wake up at like 10. I'm like, look in the bed. She's not there. I don't see anybody's stuff in the room. I was like, wait a second.

I was like, what the fuck? Did she go to class and take her stuff? Like, what the fuck's going on? And I texted Burn. And I go, yo, was someone in your bed last night? And he was like, I have, in all caps, it was like, I have no idea who that was and i was like you didn't hold on a second you woke up and saw somebody that you didn't know in your bed and

you just didn't like i would have so many questions like i would how the fuck do you get here who the fuck are you what the like why are you here um number four why are you here number five how did you get here like i would just be like so like flustered and i would need so many like so many answers but brian was just like yeah i gotta go to class i'm gonna get out of here this is rooks's problem fuck him number six do you have enough blankets i definitely did not because man we also like in our dorm we had our football cleats in, but they smelled so bad that we kept the windows open, like, in the middle of winter in Penn State. So our place was freezing.

But she was also, like, sort of face down, so I couldn't really see her face. And she was blonde. I was like, maybe she came up early? So I texted Rooks. So never told the girlfriend because, one, she will never believe that story. So I don't know. And I had not enough details. Also.

She found out way later, though, and she was, like, way less mad than she would have if she found believe that story. So, I don't know. I had not enough details. Also. She found out way later, though. And she was, like, way less mad than she would have if she found out that day. So. Just the fact. Also, Burn had the thought, oh, maybe she came and surprised me in the middle of the night. And was like, I'm not going to wake up my girlfriend and say, hey, thanks for visiting me here. Oh, it's good to see you.

She didn't wake me up either. Hey, you get your sleep, okay? I'm going to go tiptoe off to class okay you have a good day i had chemistry all right i had to go study god i just love that you both ignored it kind of and then it went away i mean if i the story just ignore your problems if i woke up while she was still there i absolutely would have been like who the fuck are you like i sick uh sick pjs also yeah it was so weird this is not your dorm by the way you're you're lost but this camera this camera this camera let the people know what you got going on ashton kutcher get out of here uh i we posted in the tenor like facebook group the last day of college i was like and i told the story and was like, if this was you, let me know. I just have questions.

No one responded, obviously. Classic. Could happen, man. I hope when I'm like 65, I meet someone and they're like, man, I have this crazy story from college. And it's like that person. I'm like, finally met them. We will never know. But somebody else is telling the opposite side of that story.

And I just wish i knew what that side was i don't even know who you are i just want to know how that happened the other side is absolutely i got home from being blacked out i went to the bathroom and then i ended up in the wrong dorm or something like that like 110 that's the story and then it was like oh i woke up in a random person's dorm and i just got the fuck out like Like, that's absolutely all it is. The thing, though, Zach, also for the story, we're on the first floor. You don't have to take the elevator at all. And you have to key card into our building and your key card only works for that building.

So I don't know how you're that drunk that you realize you didn't go up any stairs or elevator. Oh, I have. I had to have lived in that building. Maybe she was like drunk ready for bed and she's like oh i want to go get a slice of za from the big o or maybe go to gtg and grab a little snacky poo and then maybe she came back and she didn't have her like keys or something and then she was walking past and someone walked right past our room where like people leave out the stairwell and she just walked in and went in the first fucking door or some shit oh that's where she was or she was visiting and she was just like i had no idea like her friend gave her her key card and she just

like took a key card and got out and had no idea which room it was and just found we should we should we should have an episode where we come up with like and obviously we'd have to plan this but just have the most elaborate story for how she got there and see what everyone comes up with. Oh, we could like mad libs the whole story. That's how we got it. Who done it?

If you will. My idea. She's a ghost of my past. Uh, girlfriend's future or whatever, you know, I'll meet her eventually. She's going to die.

It's my wife from the future who dies. And I saw her too. Why would I see your ghost? Uh, cause we're in a throuple oh shit that's tough all right yes damn both of our wives die well it's the same both of your wife that's what i meant yeah that's what i meant both of our wife uh incredible all right the last two from amanda you're the white winston bishop of pranking and four always drinking pretty sad no one mentioned milk especially the milk oh dude i should have mentioned the milk we had talked about we had a whole episode on milk so i know you're my

milk brother in arms four gallons of milk brian geez or is it three did you get three in a week i was four in college. Three to four. Four in college. Okay, that's what I thought. Mom down to two. Complete monopoly of the bottom row of the fridge with three other roommates. He's just, every time it was, hey, I'm getting milk. I don't know what else you guys are putting in the fridge.

Yeah, hey guys, plan out your week because it's milk day. You know the water jugs in like offices? I should have just had that. Just like get an industrial size 10 gallon thing of milk with the cold side and the hot side for it. You can do hot cocoa on the other.

That would be tight. Add it to the list. Write that down. Write that down. Alright. Hot milk dispenser. We're going to need to work on that a little bit. Cross it off the list. My nickname in high school.

All right. Zach, how was your week, man? Oh, man. My weekend was good. What did I do? So Friday, Saturday, nothing really too much. But my friends came over Saturday night. My buddy went through a breakup of a very long-term relationship about seven or eight years.

So he needed some cheering up. Are we happy or are we sad about that? He is sad. Like in general, it was a mutual. Am I sad? That's all you need to know. He said, are we happy or sad about this? And Zach said, well, he's sad about it.

So that's the answer. Okay, all right. Continue, continue. I mean, anyway, so he needed a little pick-me-up. So me and the boyos went to the best bar in Chicago, I mentioned before, Side Street Saloon, best pizza in the city, played a little pool guy. And then we found our way to a house party. My buddy's sister was in the city or way to a house party my uh buddy's

sister was in the city or was in at a house party at the city and so we went to play some cornhole on the roof uh me my one friend chris just absolutely duffled these two girls like 21 to 2 it was embarrassing i don't like that verb yeah duffel yeah shoving them into a duffel bag yeah um and she was like trying to make conversation with me i really we really couldn't talk because i like we literally won the game and in about five minutes so i was like all right this was this was fun see you later did you want to talk to them no no okay then yeah yeah that's probably why you finished the game so quick yeah if zach wanted to talk to them he wouldn't have 21 to 2'd them. That's what I was going to ask.

Why don't you just miss a few? Anyway, the only problem with this house party is we came late, and the ice situation, there was no ice. So I had to drink warm Red Bull Vodka's the entire night, and they are not as good warm as they are cold. I think they activate faster in your body somehow. Heat activated? Yeah, so we also found this tiktok uh this sound and i don't know if you guys have heard it it's a the voice over of a guy going like he's my good boy he's my pal he's my sweet cheese yeah you're my rotten soldiers and so we just kept on repeating that just kept on calling each other our rotten soldiers and our sweet cheese and our good time boys um we did that the entire weekend um but anyway went to bed two of my

friends had to leave my one buddy stayed over the one we got in the breakup i was like all right we're gonna go out for a drink and we went out for a drink went bar hopping we went out at 11 and i didn't get home till 9 p.m and i was a little drunk guy on a sunday and i had to wake up and use a liquid i've like two or three liquid ivs in my water bottle on monday morning so now it makes sense yeah i really don't think that's that bad of a thing at work especially it's a little packet right yeah but it's just the reasoning behind it like some people use it for just general hydration i used it to get myself back to center it's better better than doing coffee, Gatorade, water all on your desk, which I've done before. That's just a red flag.

That's a tough look. Dude, it's so funny you mention that because my friend is notorious. He calls them the four elements at brunch. He orders a coffee, a chocolate milk, an orange juice, and a water. Chocolate milk and orange juice? That's such a weird combo. Jesus Christ. So he calls them the four elements. juice that's such a weird combo jesus christ so we were he's called him the four elements um yeah but it was uh it was a good weekend was hurting a little bit on monday but we had a good time good time with the boys just you know

picking each other up lifting each other up in good spirits uh i'm gonna give my weekend um 65 spent on touch tunes um oh is that a real stat yeah it's a real stat also i forgot i uh we also went to karaoke on sunday too where i bought vegas bombs for everybody and uh i sang i duetted uh brandy with somebody and it was a lecture quick question yes have you ever bought drinks and somebody was happy about getting those no no no no no. It's a stat. My wallet is sad for your wallet. Hey, man, can't take it with you, brother. Imagine dying and have a full bank account.

Couldn't be me. I think most people leave a couple dollars. How embarrassing. Man, I would love a sitcom. That could have money to his name. I would love a sitcom of brian and zach just living together oh but having their like shared finances man that'd be a ride i would do it only if there's a laugh track i need just ghosts in the background she's like

ghosts why do they have to be ghosts because it it's like, there's a laugh track, but we don't actually see the people. There's not an actual audience. It's just noise. You could, because it's a hypothetical, you could just ask for an audience as well during your entire time. Burn, slow your roll, man. We're not even in September yet, and you're getting into spoopy season? That's your second mention of ghosts? Like, relax, man. AKA ghosts. that's your second mention of ghosts like relax man aka ghosts we should expand halloween out like we do christmas we should be like i wouldn't mind i wouldn't mind that your outfit i think because i like the halloween decorations i like the little ghosts and stuff up and i feel like it only gets because like when you start

putting up halloween decorations is it october 1st it's on wednesday play the music second intro i think it's definitely appropriate to put uh spoopy stuff up on october 1st i think that's absolutely acceptable i don't think any of us do because we don't have i guess cory's at home do you have spoopy decorations i get a pumpkin and, like, hand-me-down decorations for my mom, but they're, like, candle holders and, like, plates that you can put, like... So the answer is no. Oh, okay. Got it.

A simple no would suffice there. I mean, I do have them. But, yeah, I literally, I have, in the frame of my Discord right now, I have a snowboard with a Rey Mysterio mask on the top of it. I do not have Halloween decorations in this place. That's tough. 619. All right, Rooks.

How was your week? It was very quiet. Your boys, I'm fucking full-time coaching now, so it's fucking, I have no free time. Friday night, the boys got a dub though we actually we absolutely shit pump the team we played which is lovely you duffel them yeah they got big time duffled um but yeah just went to dinner with my parents after um saturday fucking i'm again i'm at rockville until like 2, so I'm just fucking chilling.

Yeah, dude, grind don't stop. Rise and grind. Trying to get a motherfucking scholarship. No, but should we do like Hard Knocks Rockville? We just get a documentary crew out there? Yeah, but you could just film kids playing football and it would be fine without waivers. Yeah, this is just for my special documentary that I'm doing by myself. Long camera. Brian filming from, sorry, sorry,

from the bushes would be better. You're right, Brian. It's 100 feet away. It's fine. That's legal. Is that how far you have to stay away from a school? Allegedly. It's longer than that.

I'll tell you that now. Or farther than that. For you specifically, know it's a i know you're on that list anyway okay um but yeah no just chilled saturday hung out with the niece the niece sunday just fucking laid around didn't really do too much man just fucking chilling um nice but i feel like you need that yeah i mean that's the thing i'm like fucking six days a week i'm six days a week i'm coaching so i just weekends now like sundays i ain't doing dick too much tiktok in my life um have you guys seen the

tiktok where it's like a little kitty and corn yeah that one's all it's corn it's a big lump with nose it's got the juice it's such a heater that shit's been stuck in my head all day i watched that so many times this weekend so my rating for my weekend especially because it was like kind of uneventful was is a big fuck you to lava monster because in the original video he says yeah i play games i like tag i play hide and seek but not lava monster, fuck you, Lava Monster. Best rating so far. Corey, how was your week? It was good, kind of. Actually, no, it wasn't.

That's just like my default answer. Good start, good start. Oh, no. Friday. Well, Friday we flew. Claire and I just flew to Nashville. We were only supposed to be there for like 24 hours doing some like family stuff. So, shout out Zach.

We stopped in Chicago, which foreseeably every plane we got on apparently is stopping at Chicago. I realize I did book these tickets, but I booked them like six months ago. So I never remember. And I just always end up going through Midway, which is not bad because I can drink and look at my gate. So it was not bad on the way there. On the way back though of course we hit fucking awful flight trouble so the first flight they immediately delayed two hours so we're gonna miss the second flight and claire and i were like kind of assuming something bad was gonna

happen because it's flying nowadays where everything bad happens so we're like fine like we emotionally prepared ourselves to like get a hotel and stay over that night because it zach we would have reached out to you but it was like midnight when we get in and then we have to get a like plane at like seven in the morning like get there at five in the morning to get to leave at seven in the morning so we're like i'm not asking zach to drive out here to do that so we go to get a hotel when we land claire gets it through like progressive or whatever like a third party we take an uber to not progressive what's the price insurance it was yeah it was a fucking nightmare dude that would be the worst issue if there's one person like you know you get like one punch a year on like a woman i want like it's one person, like, you know you get, like, one punch a year on, like, a woman? I want, like, one.

It's one day. Hold on there. Hold on there, Ray Rice. Okay. Oh, one a day? Sorry. I want one bullet, like, lifetime. I'm going to use it on Flo just right now.

Well, funny you mention that because so we get dropped off at this hotel, and then they're like, oh, we can't. Like, I don't know why they booked you. We're all booked tonight. There's a lot of concerts in town. So I have on my notes on shout out to Duran Duran, Jimmy Buffett and Bad Bunny. Fuck you guys, because every hotel was booked up. And so we were sitting like out front of this hotel as we were waiting for another Uber to go to a different hotel, like 20 minutes away instead of two minutes away. And we're sitting, chilling there, and Claire and I hear, like, pretty sure gunshots, because it was in, like, Cicero.

Jesus Christ, Corey. Text me before you book a hotel, brother. Actually, to be fair, the hotel we ended up getting, pretty fucking nice. And the guy who Ubered us to the second hotel was, like, clearly he probably thought we were in a really bad area because the hotel looked fine. The first one, but the area not so great. Uh, as he's driving, he's like dropping us off the second one. He's like, this place is, uh, was emphasizing how nice that hotel was that we were dropped

off at. Cause I think he was like self-conscious about where he picked us up from. So yeah, it was uh not fun on the way uh saturday so we got up early left in the morning it was awful uh i could you not flying now question are they do they not allow you to stay at the um airport anymore we could have and we were debating that except for the fact that we did get a hotel room when we like landed we like we struggled a little bit and then we got one like 10 minutes later because remember claire got it through the third party and we're like great we have like it was just like a

couple links off google like it wasn't like yeah we're on page eight of google like on some weird ass site it was like no this is a normal thing so that's why we left the airport and then we're like well yeah we debated going back but we didn't um so that was awful yeah that was awful and then we got back and like passed out till like 3 p.m uh watched uh house of dragon though anyone anyone shit's dope so hyped about that but uh overall kind of a shitty weekend save towards the end with the show um i'm gonna give it three cicero gunshots oh nice just a couple desk pops bang bang keep you on your toes man it's just white noise in the background to help you fall asleep really it was i also i don't think i admitted to claire that i thought they were gunshots so if she's listening sorry yeah you were right i wasn't gonna say yeah that was a gunshot when we're sitting next to each I think I admitted to Claire that I thought they were gunshots. So if she's listening, sorry.

Yeah, you were right. I wasn't going to say, yeah, that was a gunshot when we're sitting next to each other. Yeah, but our Uber's 15 minutes out. It's fine. It's no worries. It was in the distance. It would have been fine. Were you waiting for your Uber when that happened?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's not good. Yeah. I mean, but like where are we going? We go back in the hotel. Like we're still just chilling there. I mean, yeah, wait inside. Yeah. I mean, we like where we go back in the hotel, like we're still just chilling there. I mean, yeah, wait inside.

Yeah, I mean, we were right there. Okay. I would have been like, go in the door. Just keep the... I'm here to live the tale. Okay. Fun though. Bry guy, how we doing?

So I have two weeks. I'm going to try to go real quick. Only some highlights. Week and a half ago went to a aw show nice it was sick it was sick it was kind of so uh it was a bad day to be a folding table i'll tell you what hey i don't know who this guy was but at one point he like knocked some dude out he's in the corner he reached under the ring and brought out five different tables and just set them up everywhere and then just went through and just like threw him onto one picked them back up put them in the ring take them out threw them onto

another one put them back in the ring took them up i was like dude this is just too much it was like the third fight of the night too it was a lot at one point there was like six dudes in the ring it just made no sense uh the sound effects of it in person actually sound like brutal it's like a little bit too much uh freaking chris jericho showed up cm punk showed up which like people i actually knew because i don't i don't know they're wrestling they're in now um and they were like announcing events for the next like week or month during it never seen more men cry in my life it was so strange the dude from the one like viral thing back in the day was like it's still real to me Every guy there is that guy oh yeah, so entertaining

Also, my seats are right next like the ramp or at least close to it And they have little like fireworks that go off every time someone comes out, and it's right next to me every time In the corner just freaking out cuz it's like it's not a gunshot But it's freaking loud right next to your head every time always catching spot shout out cicero because like people come out down the ramp randomly like they're in the middle of a fight a dude's like in the air in a headlock and they're like that's somebody's music and everyone knows who everyone's music is and i'm lost you just kind of clap along to whatever anyone else is doing. Man, entertaining. I would pay for a video of you at that event.

Just every time I twitched from the fireworks, it would be a very long video. I'm trying to skip some things. Work trip this week, though. At one point, someone said they lost count of how many dicks they had in their mouth. Huh? Is that in context? What? At one point, someone said they lost count of how many dicks they had in their mouth. So it was a good trip. Is that in context? What?

So I was trying to remember the context because I couldn't at one point. Boss manager dude was talking about all the weird food he had in China and how he would eat any part of an animal. So yeah, it was an interesting trip. But on the way home, I was sitting on theimore airport like just about to get on the flight like we're kind of like waiting in line and this girl walks up to me she's like hey can you take my photo real quick and i was like yeah sure because like that's just kind of usually the response and then she hands me her phone i'm like i'm in an airport why does she want me to take her photo and she's by herself and so i'm still holding the phone and

she's like doing her hair and stuff and i'm like getting very confused and then she's like all right go for it and she like she holds her phone out and she like pretends to not be looking and like listening to music i was like oh so i took the photo and i hand it back she's like oh my shoes aren't in it and she hands it back but he's like the worst request well and i was like okay so i take the next photo and then she's like oh i can't see like the logo on my hoodie so i take a third time one the shoes she was trying to show were bedazzled crocs and two the hoodie she had on was just tommy hill figure like what and you're in the baltimore airport and it's not like we were like by a window we were like the crowd of people waiting to get in line

were there. And I'm so confused. Oh, that's so good. And I'm like, I'm in too deep at this point. I can't say no after the third one because like, I don't know. Bro, you're at an airport. I gotta go. My flight, she was on my flight. I can't say I have to go. Say I gotta go.

She sat in front of me. She was like coming down the aisle she was about to sit next to me i was like oh please don't sit next to me i do not want to like take more photos of you i uh it was so strange it took me so long to figure out like what was going on and i was like okay because you're like responses always just say yes when someone asks you to take your photo because you're just trying to be nice because you you've done that to strangers so many times when you're out by like whatever site you have to see you know every time you're in the airport when you have to ask a stranger for a photo with your bedazzled crocs that really need to be on instagram because like you know

gotta flout it that's just hard also at white castle this week not that great the ratio of cheese to bun to meat not not right just it's not right no it's like 65 cheese 20 bun 10 meat it's just not not the hype that it should be uh but the rating for the week too many dicks so talk about question and it's kind of it's kind of relates to it sort of why was everyone hating on me for posting and having mini Oreos as cereal? Everyone was hating on me. Corey, you weren't. I didn't say anything.

I wasn't hating on it. This is like a proverbial to the masses, to all the viewers, all three of you. One of them probably said something. I don't know. But anyway, I posted that, and everyone is coming at me like, this ain't cereal, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, sorry for a little ingenuity in your closed-minded brain to understand what cereal can be. I'm just trying to expand the boundaries here. Jeez.

I don't hate it, but I agree it's not cereal. Why is it not cereal? You just put cookies in. If I put chocolate chip cookies in a bowl and poured milk on it, is that cereal? Cookie crisp. Yeah. That's a bad example. But cookie crisp is a cereal. Cookies in a bowl and poured milk on it? Is that cereal? Cookie crisp. Yeah. That's a bad example. That's a terrible example.

But cookie crisp is a cereal. Cookies in a bowl with milk is cookies in a bowl with milk. If I took cookie dough that's pre-made in like the little cubes, cut the cubes into smaller cubes, rolled them out,

and then baked them into smaller cookies like the cookie crisp and then dumped that and poured milk in it, that's basically cookie crisp. There's no difference. If you... What's the... Is the qualification of cereal just a bowl with milk in it, that's basically cookie crisp. There's no difference. Is the

qualification of cereal just a bowl with milk in an item? Because honestly, that would be my qualification, and I think you can make anything into cereal. This is like getting into, like, is cereal a soup? I would say no, because it's milk-based. It's not hot.

I mean, there's dairy-based soup, too. Cold? I'm trying to think. Like a cream of crab soup? Is that your first cream-based soup you think of? Cream of crab? Crab bisque.

I live in Maryland, dude. Oh, that's right, yeah. Are you joking? Two things that Maryland knows, crab and football. Is cereal. Is clam chowder cereal? Anyway, I had to get that off my chest people open up your mind open up to my cereal can be i my suggestion is zach was he should have been rating these the whole time we've got like 200 cereal book pictures i don't know which one of

these are good i assume none of them are good because they're so weird but like it would have it would actually you get a lot more clicks because honestly i would go back through because you can go pretty quick if i see something and i'm like oh shit i got a high rating i might actually go get it and then then you get sponsored and then you tell people about our podcast it's great and then goodbye sponsors goodbye sponsors. We'll be sponsored by Trojan Condom Gun. We know all of the little Debbie ones he hates. He's never said any has been good. We know what ones he doesn't like. They're so bad.

That's big Debbie's domain. I'm on a cereal Google right now. Cereal is a grain used for foods such as wheat, oats, or corn. So not cookies. The funniest thing thing the first question that people ask i just said define cereal is clam chowder cereal what is the meaning of cereals like that sounds so deep when it's just not that deep but a plant such as a grass yielding starchy grains suitable for food. Yeah. And that's what we're looking like.

Wikipedia. A cereal is a grass cultivated for the edible components. Is any grass cultivated for the edible components of its grain composed of the endosperm, germ, and bran? Oh, yeah. Is weed cereal? I don't know. By that definition. You can put it in a cereal, and then, yeah. It's going to be shitty cereal, though.

I'm going to tell you that now. Better than Lil Debbie, apparently. Yeah, I guess. All right. Rooks, you got a heaven question? So, I got a great, great heaven question here, okay? And this, like, wherever you think your final destination is it applies purgatory you die and hypothetically you can get any stat line from your life no matter what like whatever it is you

can ask you can go to this generator type it in and it'll give you an exact number what stat lines are you interested in hearing for your life? Rushing yards. Burns, that's just going to say eight, my guy. Burns got type in rushing yards, that's just going to say eight. What's the shuttle, the three-cone shuttle or whatever? I actually put that in here just as a good laugh, so. You could do that, though.

I know, it was a joke. I didn't actually put that if you've never if you've never ran the three cone shuttle either like it's just not gonna have anything for you but i assume like they would know like calculating your fucking okay when he's in question if god can't do this then like what's he doing up there you know he's getting pretty lazy he invented math all right he can do it i figure we just we all share, and then we discuss and then we just keep Language or or invented or is math a language I Mean languages are invented so no, but like is met but like two plus two that's math correct what the fuck are we talking about

yeah no i like this let's keep going this way let's keep going this way i'll back that up that's math yeah but like but is it just two plus two because we decided that having if i have a pair of things that that's two like i'm defining that as two so is two plus two is that a language like was math invented or is it just like are you talking about the symbols themselves or the actual like equations like is math a naturally occurring thing or is it a language how the fuck did we get here isn't it naturally naturally occurring? Yeah, the principles of it are naturally occurring. The numbers and stuff that we use for it are kind of made up. Because we could start everything at negative one if we wanted to instead of zero.

But mathematically, it still counts as zero. So those are just symbols for it. This is for a different podcast. All right, heaven questions. How did we get here? Someone said math. From Zach, too. I love zach too i love it i love it rooks you have a degree in this you give us a theorem right now give us a proof the entire one any of that all right i said i want to go first you're up go uh i would like to know how many arguments i've won like out of how many i've had like what, what is my win-loss of arguments?

Because, I don't know, I feel like sometimes I just give up because I just don't care enough a lot of the times, actually. But I'd still like to know when I was right. So you're expecting it to be really low? No. Okay, sorry. The phrasing is weird, I guess, because, like, arguments won, sure, like, I just don't care

enough but like when i was right in like a discussion you know what i mean like i don't how many times you should have kept arguing because you were right yeah like anytime i was right in a debate i guess yeah i like it that's an answer for me that i should have said right now i think i was inspired by the most recent uh podcast we did that's a good one fair um so two quick stat lines i'd be super curious about is my average sex lap so that's like insertion to completion no and then you want to be also be curious you want to just be i'm just curious well the thing is like so we like i have my outliers right i have like oh there was that time where i was like a little like i was a little buzzed and i was just wet

noodling for like eight minutes and then it started happening like there's gonna be outliers but like i want to know average across the board what we're looking at here like would you like to know like where that stands with anyone else or just your personal best no just mine just mine i'm so curious um and then like to counter that i'd also be very curious about my average like fap lap like how long it takes like like the first and that's like from like first time hand touches the wii wii to completion i'd be very curious for both i think it's just interesting i mean i could buy you a stopwatch but like dude if you expect me post completion to just find the stopwatch and press done on it like you're out

of your mind no you know like you put it around your neck it has a little chain do we do it like we do like the nfl combine where that's a sensor and it's on movement wait brian brian and i have the have the like heart monitor thing too you just gotta like turn that on we get all your no dude my heart rate dude post either scenario post either scenario my heart rate's up for like seven minutes at least man i'm not here yeah i'm not trying to pad my stats here okay i want the true numbers i love that you don't want to compare to anybody you just want your own because compar that you don't want to compare to anybody. You just want your own. Because comparatively, you don't want to be let down.

I don't want to compare with everybody. Fuck no, dude. There's a chance you're great, but there's also a chance you're not. Yeah, there's a chance. Sorry, Denise. I'll buy you a stopwatch for Christmas. I'll write that down. Please don't buy a stopwatch. Don't you worry. Don't buy him a stopwatch for Christmas. I'll write that down. Please don't buy a stopwatch.

Don't you worry. Don't buy him a stopwatch. Buy him one of those cartoony alarm clocks that have the two dials on it. You have to hit it, and then it hits it again. The little metal rigger up top. Fucking chess clock. I'm just fucking smacking it and resetting it.

What about a cuckoo clock with a bird that comes out yeah it's like it's a it's a it's a penis though and it's just like i need to put that on this shark tank list but i don't want that i would not purchase that qvc different story that's a 4 a.m qvc kind of purchase a dick exactly um i'd like to know so we're in heaven right i'm talking about it'd be a talk to my man jc there we go um so i would like to know how many times i almost died and i want like a i want like a real of it i want i want to see the events and the times where you want to yeah i want to see the time where the piano almost fell on me um you know where i almost got like smoked by a stick of dynamite or something like uh i assume all cartoons wily coyote what the fuck is this shit um but no i think that'd

be pretty cool because it's it's maybe it's once but be kind of lit if I evaded death like double digit times. What if it's just like a lot of cancer and it's just like zoomed in close-ups of cells just like sort of doing their job. Cells just duking it out. Wouldn't that just be every time then? That would just be my white blood cells were working. Like, that'd be just any time I got sick then? Maybe.

I would filter out the sick ones. i would want a full production of my skin or my skin cells like or not my skin cells my immune system cells like fucking 300 just duking it out in the hot gates with the immortals aka cancer that'd be tough miss frizzles in the back she's like the oracle yo you know what i just described fucking osmosis jones god damn it great movie dude were you in my science class in seventh grade yeah we had to watch it yeah real quick story we watched osmosis jones for two weeks straight because every time the teacher asked at what point in the movie we were we told her like five minutes from the beginning and we literally watched this movie 10 periods in a row and it was the best time of my life this teacher also wore a brown shirt with a giant rooster on it and rooks would always call it her like no shirt or something no

i did not say anything i laughed this poor woman came in every day and uh fuck what was her name i forgot her name she called her like chicken breast or something or turkey breast and called it that every day i was like can you imagine like for your career you went to college for this i have to come in and listen to a 12 year old call me turkey breast every day like that's tough luck that's a pretty tame one though but it could be worse yes uh a stat i want to know the number of farts i shouldn't have trusted in my life just like does this happen this is a stat yeah you should know yeah that's that's yeah look you you know how like people go through bad things and in their head like their body represses oh you just repress them yeah it's walking around just shitting himself all the time and never remembering it

so zach wanted a like a highlight reel of all the time he almost died i would highlight reel of me running to the bathroom just almost making it i want the timer of how many more seconds i had before i would have pooped myself. Burn is the only person ever, and I don't know if this is like scenarios, like this hypotheticals I've ever been asked. Burn is the only person. Yeah, I want every clip where I shit my pants. Like, I want to see it. I don't want like a zoomed in of my cells in my butthole.

I just want to see me just like frantically running, cheeks clenched. That would be so funny. No, but funny to us. i don't know why it'd be funny to you no i mean i'm dead at that point so i'm moving on making fun of my own self you know fair enough that's where you're up a lot um this so i i wrote down so i want like an accurate portrayal of what my overall would be in NHL. So like, you know how like. Oh, that'd be sick. So like. 12th.

Like, yeah. Am I like a 30 overall? Cause like maybe that's high hopes though. Are you going like peak skills when you're like playing a lot? The best I ever was, what, what would be my stats just so i could look to see it like how awful i was or maybe i'm like wow that's better than i thought it would be like i don't know there's i feel like there's a couple shocking skills that i was like pretty good at but like awful and everything else so it really really tips the scale you know you have all

the intangibles man that's great or it's either that or i want a ranking list by list of like in my age bracket or like a draft year i guess what how what what where did i stand in in that group like was i was i like one million out of five million what like out of everyone one of those every male eligible for the nhl draft or just no no no anyone anyone that like would have interest in this stat like they that they played hockey or like i don't know maybe brian signs up when he it's like i'm picturing this as like a sign-up sheet what stats do you want to know when you get in heaven like it's intramurals or something yeah yeah yeah i mean

at this point it's all digital though right we're on our we're on our phones up there yeah i mean covid so yeah yeah and there's no space now that we can space out some people gotta get dumped down it'll be fine yeah exactly they might have the same system down there but they might it's there's still an e-line down there though just you know like really i was gonna say lion path don't say those words all right rooks what you got um i was i'd be curious for my overall like madden and fifa record broken down like every game game i've ever played for both like your boy was a top 500 madden player like that'd be a sick fucking thing to get. Like, I'm just curious. There's too many games. That's too much math for God.

You play too much. Like, Burn, the amount of FIFA I played freshman and sophomore year alone. Like, that number. Just the sheer amount of games. Like, I wouldn't even give a shit about my win-loss. Just how much time I spent on that shit, I'd be very curious to see. It was a couple thousand. I learned how to play FIFA just through, like, osmosis from things you said like i learned so much i picked up the sticks

for the first time and i was like actually scored ridiculous got you zach um give us a a balanced out one because apparently you're you're doing less yeah i'm gonna do i want i want to know my top 10 food eating days calorie wise and then i want that translated into like how many fam people would that normally feed with like a normal diet like oh this one saturday in 2020 you ate enough people to feed a family of six for an entire day like hold on nice the phrasing yeah i don't even remember how i was phrased i'll have to listen back and probably wouldn't sound good but like but like this weekend like sunday i came back like like um friday night we ordered we ordered pjs

and i ordered a papadia and you know your boy put down that meatball and pepperoni papadia along with some breadsticks and some regular sausage and pepperoni pizza and then on uh sunday uh i came back and i walked into mariano's with like an hour to close i got some like basically like some honey barbecue wings and some pot stickers and i powered those babies down right before bed um but yeah i just would want to know like the because i eat a lot if we if you didn't know on this pod um and uh i just would want to know. I've eaten medium, large, deep dish pizzas by myself before in one sitting. I mean, it hasn't been great. Medium, large, or both medium and large? No, I just...

It's like red, orange, orange, red. Yeah, medium, large, large, medium. Not to be confused with large, medium, yeah. Or medium. Not to be confused with large, medium, yeah. Or medium. So yeah, I think knowing my top 10 eating days ever and then converting that into a fun metric would be cool. I want all of these in pie charts too. The actual pies.

The items that can be pie charted. Yes, pie chart. It would have to be insane. You'd have to have one day you went to a buffet see i'm not a big buffet guy though how it's just i'm not either you why aren't you yeah but that was like back in the day like you go with your football team it seems like it would make the most sense for you to be a buffet i would rather have a large amount of one singular good food than a bunch of mediocre food of different types i you know you can get the same thing you don't have to get where i go to golden corral and i get like and if i go to golden corral and get the pizza right like that

pizza is not going to be as good as if I get pizza from a local spot that I love. Yeah, but it's unlimited. That's the point. It's like, it's unlimited like breadsticks from Olive Garden, just in case you need to reference that to something. Oh, yeah. See, the problem with bread, though, it expands in your stomach, though. What do you mean the problem with bread you ate like literally only bread this weekend you eat 75 tortillas every sunday yeah no it's been oh i bought from costco the other day you

know like if you guys go to costco in the in the deli section they have like a tub of anti tortellini anti-pasta salad that has like tomatoes tortellini i literally sat on my couch it was like 15 for this tub and it's pretty good deal because it's with costco which is a tortellini i literally sat on my couch it was like 15 for this tub and it's pretty good deal because it's with costco which is a lot of it i literally sat this morning for breakfast and had a celsius and this tub of anti-pasta pasta salad jesus christ is it a good deal if you just eat it in one sitting yeah but like i would i feel like it'd be a good deal if you make but i would have spent 15 on like uber I'd have spent way more money on Uber Eats. So I just get the...

Yeah, so... Jesus Christ, Zach. You're just confusing. I need breakfast food for breakfast. Sometimes you gotta mix it up. Oh no, I still had eggs and sausage with it. I still had my four eggs and four links of sausage. Jesus!

Good, good, good. Brian's happy now nice uh hey you have a little snack after whatever just have to get some eggs in there um i want to know my poison resistance we're talking stats i'm thinking it's pretty good i mean i guess yeah that is different across people I want to know how flammable I am. Yeah. No, there's this Reddit thread, and it was like, if you could get, like, five stat points to put into whatever you want, what would you put it into?

And one of the responses was like, I'd probably do something stupid like poison resistance and waste it all. And it was the funniest response I had seen in, like, a year. And this was the exact same thing. Because, like, I mean, yeah. exact same thing because like I mean yeah how much cyanide could I withstand versus the normal human it's probably pretty close to the same but like be interesting

maybe I'm immune to it I'm not gonna find out what would activate your hypothetical mutant power and what would your hype because I feel like I feel like the big I feel like the Lord or God or Buddha or Gandhi or whoever you believe in Gandhi real person not probably equivalent to god yeah i was like god definitely a person william shakespeare whoever

you believe in out there um but i feel like in the back in his back pocket he's like all right like they're never gonna figure out how to activate this but i'm gonna give everyone who was born a mutant power and then like that'd be kind of dope like if you're like oh man your mutant power was was flying or zach your mutant power was being able to eat a bunch of food and i somehow just stumbled upon it your nails grow a little a little quicker than the usual average person me and cory have a whole comic book set up for this and it was based on everyone having superpowers but them being very mundane like one guy glows in the dark slightly when he's like near like guns it's like i don't know what you really do with it it's special but like yeah we talked about this for like things that you find

out about your body that are like this is a little strange not like oh i have superpowers incredible okay so i think i'm up next wait yeah yeah okay you're up um so i'm gonna choose to go negative on this one but you could also go positive so um i want to highlight real like zach just mentioned earlier of all the wrong choices i've made. Like, I just want to see, like... It's going to be long, man. I mean, yeah, because your whole life's made up of choices. So I guess, like, if you, like, put it on a scale, like, medium to big mistakes. I don't want all the small ones, like,

oh, I should have ate breakfast this morning, right? Like, that'll be way too long. I shouldn't have had that antipasto salad this morning. I mean, that's a good mistake. Dude, there was so much salt in there. I was, like, so bloated, and I was just, the bathroom was in shambles, bro. My stomach is still not recovered. Anyway, go ahead, Corey.

Sorry. Yeah. Shocked. No, I mean, that was about it. I just feel like it'd be interesting to look back and be like, I mean, there's going to be some obvious ones, like, yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that, but there's going to be some ones where, like, your whole life, you probably were probably were like man that was the best decision i've ever made and it just like shows up you'd be like what the fuck that would be yeah man god dude that would be interesting

because i feel like when everyone's like oh like no regerts or whatever um like i have no regrets but to actually see like hey yeah you actually should regret this decision you should have regretted this decision like it would have been a way better path had you chose the other thing and i'm here and it was here and it was here And it was here, and it was here, and it was here, and it was also here, and it was this one, and it was here. I'm going to get really specific, too. I want it in a format that is family feud. So they're all on a video board, and they present me with the time and setting and stuff. And then they point point up and it dings

and then it just plays the plays the video i love that's really specific steve harvey yeah i mean could be yeah but he's like kind of see-through zach listed gandhi earlier so i believe there's no rules here yeah i got one that kind of like that kind of piggy this kind of piggybacks off of cory um i would want to i would want to see every time someone's lied to me about like so again some not something small like i want to see like big ones but like okay and i just thought of this on the spot just big time copying court here because like i didn't know we could edit the presentation but like again i don't know why I expected anything. Cause there's never any fucking rules in these things.

Um, I want, I want every big lie I've ever been told, but I want fucking, um, Boomer. What's his name? Uh,

fucking. Yeah. I want the fastest three minute highlight of every big lie where it's just like Chris. Yeah. Chris Berman. I was going to say Chris Boomer. I was like, that's definitely not his fucking name. Um, highlight of every big lie where it's just like chris yeah chris burman i i was gonna say chris boomer i was like that's definitely not his fucking name um but i want him just fucking

like oh yeah and she said she told him the truth and then she texted this other guy or something like that like that would be fucking that would be awesome brooks i'm gonna make it really sad though for you what if it was like just a really long video of, like, before you go out and you asking us how your hair looked? Oh, no. Oh, dude. I mean, send me to hell. Send me to purgatory. I don't want to be here anymore, dude.

Yeah, that is your nightmare. You are already in hell. I will say, if I kick it first, and I still have hair, like, if I'm still trying to, like, get my shit going, if y'all are at my funeral, and my hair doesn't look fucking choice, like, fucking, tell them to take me to the back and, like, redo that shit until it looks good, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, he wanted

to be cremated. But, like, leave the hair. Yeah, cut the hair off it to pay it. On to the the urn would you mind if we kept your hair yeah or could we keep your hair and pass it around like if hypothetically you know all of us you know except for you no this is just the weirdest question it's the if you lose it if you come last in fantasy football you have to wear rooks's hair for the whole year so you mean i have to look better is that That's the punishment for the loser?

Yeah. Well, I was assuming this is when we're like 80 years old or something. Exactly. So I have to look even better? Okay, yeah. Rooks, your hair is going to be looking great your whole life. Sorry. I guess, yeah, fucking you know, I am an organ donor. I get rid of this hair. The hair organ.

It's the powerhouse of the cell. right i'm gonna i'm gonna uh flip it positive i want to know i want to know again highlight real style and the amount of times that anyone like when i walked into a bar or a thing be like damn that boy's hot or damn he's looking good guy or girl because like i feel like we're at the gym like boys are gassing each other up and it should be like man that guy's kind of big. Or like, that guy's looking swole. Or you walk into a bar and be like, man, that guy's looking good. That would just be an all-time, imagine like an ego boost. I know it sounds kind of, was it sociopathic, narcissist?

Not sociopathic. Well, yeah. Narcissistic. Yeah. But I think it'd be cool. If we're finding all these bad things about, you kind of weave in some positive ones. Yeah. I'm not going to lie.

I like the idea of knowing every time someone's like, dude, he's kind of big. I in some some positive ones yeah i'm not gonna lie like the the idea of knowing every time someone's like dude he's kind of big i'd be like i kind of would like that more than the girl was like hearing the girl what i'd probably watch the guy yeah honestly that one means way that one means way more all right yeah that's positive i like it i'm gonna bring us back down again though uh i want to know what percent cTE I have. Just like one, zero to a hundred. That's good. That's good. Definitely curious as well.

Yeah. And I want to know, like, compared to other people. Like, me to Rooks and me to, like, a newborn baby. And then me to, like... Dude, babies probably have a ton of CTE knocking around in those mama's stomachs all the time. Banging against those walls. They probably got a ton of CTE. I mean, maybe. What if you have twins in there you're just knocking knocking domes

they're just running oklahomas every day dude so maybe everyone's baseline of cte is different it's not that like everyone has cte when they come out it's just how much cte do you have when you're born i mean yeah i think we all start at zero when we're born well maybe it's just how much cte do you have when you're born i mean yeah i think we all started zero when we're born no well maybe it's like a maybe it's like you started negative 100 and then you move yeah yeah sure you know we talked about numbers being made up so i agree just sounds like a high scale give me a bar chart then just there's no numbers on either side just like from the bottom to the top i just want to know where i'm at yeah all right cory bring us back up uh i want to this it's pretty neutral i want to go i want to figure out how many miles i traveled in like an obscure way so i guess like distance like could

it cover like from here to pluto and obviously you couldn't but like it's still like i don't want the actual miles i want you want like a scale yeah you could have gone from here to here but don't tell me the miles because it'll be more interesting or like around the world like 800 times something something weird you know sorry i couldn't be creative enough to to give it to you guys but use your imagination no from here to pluto you're gonna make it like point zero zero zero zero zero zero one percent of the way to pluto or like that's go to the moon and back like x time i don't know be kind of cool it might make me think like damn like i should have stayed on the moon man it's crazy it's crazy how small we are you know hey talk speak for yourself

speaking of okay my next one um i want to know the actual average dick size like the actual number hold on hold on isn't this stats about you like they got everyone else's number in the system just asking like yeah okay okay fair they got everyone else's number all they gotta do is all they gotta do is just take the mean yourself in there got it okay no they got you were gonna ask god like hey what's the average dick size and then you're gonna be like that's it that's all i want to know no no they're like they got all this they got all the stats you know they just gotta take the mean um but yeah i just be curious because like you know like like all anytime you ever look like i looked that shit up in middle school because i was like mad curious i was like yo like

what how do i stack up against the competition out here you know what i mean like where am i in the combine here and then like looking into it everything says like three to four inches i was like that's the most tiny dick fucking article i've ever read in my life like and your boy's not like pushing like copious amounts of p over here but i'm just saying like it's just like that is you writing a whole article about how three inches is average like i'm like you definitely have a dick smaller than three inches like i'm just copious amounts of p i did not did not expect that one just saying but yeah i just want to i want to i just want to know what the actual number is you know i like it i want it straight from the from the sources you know god yeah straight from god himself dude um i would want i'd want to know and this could go either

way i'd want a percentage of time people actually genuinely laughed at a joke i made so if like i i'd want the number of i want the number of jokes on purpose yeah like i like like you purposely are being funny right like you guys all genuinely laugh at all the stuff i say in here right so like this would be 100 but um totally oh that was terrifying um but uh yeah i would want to know the like the the time the joke like all the way back to when i first developed my sense of humor back in like third grade um and i've kept it all the way till now um second grade Zach, real stiff. Just business suits and shirts. But yeah, I'd want to know, again, joke.

Did it land? And if it was told to multiple people, how many people did it land with? And then who actually genuinely laughed? Dude, I would go through that. Like, man. And then I'd be kind of heartbroken. Like, yeah, dude, you're only funny 20% of the time. Like, genuinely.

You would need, like, a genuine full Excel spreadsheet with like different tabs and shit you're talking you're talking dude what would be an acceptable like like big data if you if you got that what do you think would you would be okay with like if you were half the people were laughing at your jokes half the time yeah i'd say any anything over 50 like just you have to think about too like when you make a joke and like someone's just like haha like just like a little chuckle like that that's just like i'd be i don't think that counts right i'd be happy with like 25 because like i just say stupid shit a lot of the times and don't expect anyone to think it's funny you know what i mean like dad jokes and puns i get entertained entertained by them. I know other people don't, so I just say them. I don't need the laugh.

I need it split up by person. Because if I'm only 5% funny to everyone in the world, fine. But if my friends are like 95%, I'm good. I like that. Right? Deep analytics here. Ba-bip. Oh, yeah.

We got a couple degrees on this podcast. We could do it. We just talked about if numbers were real earlier we could become god would you rather I think this is the hypothetical would you rather make one of the homies laugh

or make a girl laugh that you're trying to impress it's always the homies it's always the homies the homies is too's always the homies. The homies is too easy, though. A girl is like... The homies is too easy. No, but like a genuine...

Like a belly hurting laugh. Those are good. I agree. I gotcha. I have two more. I don't know how many y'all have. I have two more. I've been coming up with the last four on the fly.

Big creativity guy. I have one for Zach. I want to know the number of girls Zach has let down. Oh, buddy. Jesus Christ. Holy bro, come on. There's like a stat, a feel, like a stat line that says letter easily not easily not save save that one for when we're doing the zach draft

he's got an uncanny if i'm batting if i've batten like 10 or whatever it is whatever the positive way of that version is, I'll be happy. Wait, is it people I've talked to or let down, like indirectly let down? We could. Big data. Do you want to know all of it? Yeah. Here's how many you indirectly let down. You're going to want to click tab two on your spreadsheet.

The index match function will bring your date over. Zach's nerdy today. Alright, Corey. I'm going simple. I want to know, basing off of Zach's top ten, whatever your food one was, top food, I want to know the top ten items I've eaten. You could either do

meals or or like... Or else what? What's the other thing? Sloth and box. Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom. Cory. I want you to say it.

Do not like any of that. I want you to get in that microphone, and I want you to say it. What's up, sluts? What's up? Fuck. Good to be back, boys. We hated that. We are the top two on Corey's list.

Maybe top three. We can put three things up there. What do you expect one of the couple other top things? Cheese, you're going to do crunch. Oh. That's got to be up there. Pure numbers, though. It has to be like eggs or like cereal. couple other top cheese you're ready to crunch oh that's gotta be right there pure numbers though it has to be like eggs eggs or like cereal you're gonna break down my food into ingredients

like i've had this much flour what are you talking about eggs isn't necessarily just one ingredient there's no way you've had more cheesy gordita crunches than you had like spaghetti i don't know man cory loves that tea bill you're averaging spaghetti you're probably averaging what's like eight spaghetti meals a year i'm thinking i was not thinking in terms of years and you're going to talk about at least like twice a month twice a month right so right there and you're ordering probably two cheesy gorditas you're ordering two cheese you're right there you're four times four times your spaghetti intake already what i meant like so if you have like an apple as a snack like every other day or something like that that's gonna be like one of your most common things is just something you have a lot it's not necessarily

like a full meal though sure that's, again, break it up, before I was rudely interrupted by a bunch of the licking and sucking noises. Welcome to sports science. Break it into the meals. So, you could do breakfast, you could do dinner, you could do meal, you could do snack. So, there you go. Okay, alright. I'm back on board, then.

Rooksy poo. This is going to be a two-parter. I would want to know my drink per night out average On average A night out, I want to know How much I'm putting down And then paired with that I want to know the volume of vomit

I've had come out of my body from drinking What unit of measure? The exact volume Quartz Fucking gallons, dude It it's gonna be a lot i want a line chart of your average drinks per night like as you get older oh dude if you see fucking college dude my fourth year drinks per night has to be in like it's like teens every night it's so that's just not good i want'm going to base one off of that because it's basically the same thing.

I want that, but over my life, the true amount of drinks it took for me to be drunk. Because you never really know that number. It's like, oh, yeah, I'll probably have like four tonight and that'll get me there. But now it's like, okay, I could have two. That would be such good information to just have. We should come up with something that tells you when you're technically physically drunk. I got it.

I'll write that on our list right under dick cuckoo clock. Perfect. It's the cock cock clock. Come on. Come on. It's right there. I'll update it. I'll update it.

The cuckoo clock. No. No. No. That's a different item no gandhi jesus no um i think so one i think obviously is like just a spotify or apple music wrapped for your entire life would be dope um like you just number of plays over decades what changed genres so I think that's pretty obvious the other one that I thought of someone mentioned deadliest warrior deadliest weapons I would want to go back in my ancestry and like what warrior would I be in like like have my family's from Sweden or Norway so basically Vikings like would I be a cool Viking like would I be what would my Viking name be how many kills would I have We agree this isn't a stat, right?

But like a hypothetical stat. Like how many hypothetical villages would I have pillaged? Zach literally, Zach just literally get the most recent Assassin's Creed. I did, it was good. It was great. I named my guy Zach,

Zach Kirshner, the Viking. And that's the two dots over the A though, so it looks a little bit forer. There we go. Oh, actually, like, or... See, like, this is the problem. I wish I got more fights.

Like, I want to do something, like, physical. Like, I want to know how many people I could have theoretically knocked out. Save that. The percent of people on Earth I could beat in a fight. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah? Dude, that would be so... I feel like that'd be so high just based on, like, physical ability alone.

I was going to say, I'm expected to be surprisingly low. Dude, you have to take into account everyone over the age of 60. Well, I would... Like... Yeah, but, like, I would want to know, like, how many women could beat me up. Because there's definitely some. Like, women MMA fighters. I thought you were going to say how many women you could beat up.

No. Cause I feel like, and then like, I want to see who those women are. Cause I feel like I, I, you know, I'm guessing UFC fighters.

And then I want their, and then I want their address and I want to know what they're up to. If I could get their contact information, that'd be great too. Yeah. God, what room are they in? Incredible. Uh, what room are they in? Incredible.

Zach's going to be getting squeezed between some thighs. Let's finish this up. I got one more, and then Corey and Brooks get one more. Why doesn't everyone else get one more? I went last. You're starting to draft Assassin's Creed nonsense.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel. You're done. To throw it back to one of our last episodes i want to know how many days of constipation i can go through before i die talked about it i think the number's surprisingly low there's no way it's four months like apparently elvis was i think i'm a good week and a half i feel like i feel like the elvis shit could be true though just because of drugs man like that guy was on so many fucking drugs but just because you're on drugs doesn't mean you don't die but it like you it's like the shit it's like the shit where people like fucking uh like take pcp and they can flip cars and shit like it's like your body like you're

not it's just an hour it's just not like regulating itself but But like he was on like heavy, heavy shit for ages. If you're on PCP for four months, you will die three days in. I mean, apparently not. It just took some poop for that guy. It wasn't the PCP. Dude, how much PCP you had? It was about like a gallon? A gallon of PCP.

I don't know. A gallon of PCP. I haven't watched that sport science yet. They come in gallons. a gallon um all right i like the throwback brian i'm also gonna choose the throwback route and say find out how many 10 year olds i would be able to take oh. That's a good one. How do we not think of it? Fuck, that's a really good one. Oh. I'm sad that it wasn't number one. Eat it.

I want them, like, at that point, if I'm in heaven and, like, anything's possible, I want to go into a 10-year-old arena simulator where I can just fucking, like, let's test the boundaries of this. Like, let's try different strategies. Screw a simulator. I want the real deal.

Just, I'm in heaven. Might as well just punch out some 10 year olds oh jesus yeah you might get uh you think god's up there gonna make a simulator no he's just gonna like have it be a thing it's called like a wednesday fight night he's just gonna like gather all the 10 year olds around in heaven and just be like, boom, here you go. Dude, you know what's sad about that, though? All those 10-year-olds, if you die at 10, you're dying of a tragic event. Which means I probably have a better shot at making it through a lot of rounds. You're saying you go to heaven and you have your tragic event? If a 10-year-old had, like, a crippling disease,

like, he has that disease, or she has that disease in heaven still? I feel like when you go to heaven, you get better. They could be superhuman. Yeah. Who? I mean, I'm assuming it's heaven, and no one's dying again.

Double heaven? Kind of. There's layers. It's like double jeopardy. Super heaven. How much do you need to wager on their next death? I wonder what questions you could ask that guy. That's what God is.

One dollar, God. Oh my God. Religions are a tiered system. All right, Rooks, last one. To round this out um i'd be curious about my dominoes wings that i put down in my life and then i also came up with a formula for this so oh so so it's wait hold on so it's laid up right well the principles exist the principles the principles exist of his demeanor Whenever you guys were having this conversation earlier,

I was just staring out the window just like, what the fuck is happening? I don't know. This is just all over my head. But yeah, actually, fuck. But so my formula. So I'd say probably I probably get a dominoes wing order maybe eight out of the 12 months of the year, right?

And then in each order is 16 wings. but i haven't had it my whole life like it's been the domino's wing kick probably started like towards the end of college so i had like my formula is so 8 times 16 and then i'm going to multiply that by whatever age i'm at minus 22 and then so like for the year that should be what it is every year and every year it'll just go up why do you have a graphing calculator just next to you my number is eight zero zero eight two what because i work in this desk that spells boobs got it i was like what the fuck are you talking about? But yeah, that's my formula.

And I think it'll hold true for most of my life. Yeah, I think your top 10 foods definitely are Domino's Wings. Number two. It's in there. It's number two, though. It's behind something. Follow us on Instagram and Twitter. IWMD underscore pod.

Leave us a review. Leave us a rating. Brooks, what's your godly horoscope for the week? Yo, say what up to Gandhi in heaven for me. Ow! Ow! What's up, sluts? Welcome to the Zach Kirshner Show.