It’s Wednesday My Dudes - Ep. 78: Hall of Fame #1: Mike Wazowski, with the Condom Gun, in the Spirit Airlines Bathroom.

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

Raise the banners, time for the first "Best Of" episode to reflect back on the dumbest moments like Ep. 17: Chuck Tournament, Ep. 18: Oscar the Grouch the Bathroom Attendant, Ep. 21: Zaks Funeral, Ep. 52: Solving World Hunger, Ep. 54: Smashing Mike Wazowski, Ep. 56: TPing a Jiffy Lube, and Ep. 57: Condom Gun. Rate us 5 stars on Spotify! and leave a review and rate on Apple Podcasts! Links here to follow on social media! and find other places to listen!

inside foreclose that tristan at bold three detergent plus fabric softener like spray relief the rock stick has anchor arms i think i gotta get out of here i don't fucking great question who has vertical butt cheeks to the death no pop looking down on me like it with this fucking guy, man. It is Wednesday, my dude. Ah! it easy fuck it you two are scheduling it right now burn and joe williams are gonna box and you guys are the undercard okay you guys are the opener for it okay now i gotta fight joel from my middle school team as well i got a lot of beef with people i'm gonna eat a whole bunch of

that'll be the next get my weight up can i i'll it could be cory and the sabaro social media team versus me oh my god we would crush you how many rounds of sabaro could zach take if there were no weapons i was about to say how many waves of sabaro employees do you think if we did that we would have like sabaro would be able to i don't know do like a deep dish pizza to promote like that week i think they would do that if they're already signing up to the whole pr team to fight zach with me i feel like that's a short sell we need the ring girls to walk around with like pizza boxes with the round number on it it'd be perfect everything's just pizza theme triangle shaped ring we have to make sure too we get the most possible random acts in between each fight.

Charlie D'Amelio, definitely make it an appearance. Chuck. What? It's always funny. No. Oh, Chuck D'Amelio. Chuck D'Amelio. Got it.

Oh. I was like, what the fuck is Chuck, man? Let's get Charlie D''amelio oh and chalk obviously my boy chuck dude you don't know chuck we go way back it'll be a triple threat of charlie's it'll be it'll be or chuck's it'll be chuck d'amelio chuck brown and uh give me a chuck angels and and uh willie – or Chuck and the Chocolate Factory. Chuck's Angels. Is this in a boxing match or is this a performance?

I don't know. It's to win a Chocolate Factory. Steel cage match? It's hell in the cell, brother. Oh, yeah. Oh, that would be sick. No, it's got to be like the Elimination Chamber where like four people are in the pods and then oh yeah fighting and then eventually like everyone comes out of the pods that'd be yeah off or like a royal rumble style just set like a different chuck comes down the ramp every time we got a lot we have a lot of work to do we have a lot of people to talk to royal rumble

typically like 30 people we gotta feel we gotta feel this card we could get more famous charlie's charlie day from uh always sunny definitely a wild card chuck chuck day chuck sheen oh oh another one huge wild card chuck barkley there are a lot more chucks out there than i like i'm sure we could probably there's probably a King Chuck in like England or something like King Chuck the second. Oh, yeah. Easily. Oh, we can get a King Charles Spaniel. Just a dog. Yeah.

King Chuck, man. Come on. We can get Chuck Liddell. I mean, that one just works. Yeah, actually. I think he might win, though. So that might be a problem. Hey, well, we'll make some calls. Hey, if you viewers at home...

Let's get Charles Dickens. You know who we can have at the National Anthem? Charles Darwin. You know who we can do the National Anthem? Chuck Puth. Chuck Puth. God damn it. It's the same punchline, but it's funny every time.

I don't know why this keeps making me laugh, because it's just the same thing over and over again. Chuck Woodson could make an appearance. Oh, true. Chuck Oakley. Are you just on a list of famous Chucks? Chuck Oliveira, he's the lightweight champion of the UFC right now. Oh my god, go fuck yourself.

Chuck Chaplin? Oh, wow. He's gonna come in painted black and white and just like making funny skits the whole time. How did we get here again? No, we're washed. I'll bring it back. Can you backtrack us though? Like I want to see how

we actually got here. Traverse how we got here. Yeah, can you list the Chucks in reverse order as to how we just listed them and take it all the way back? So we're Chucks, Hell in a Cell match, Chuck D'Amelio, you guys boxing,

us boxing, Zach being mean to me, classic, cowboy collar, there we go. Because Corey put on a cowboy collar. Teams in football. Gotcha. Yeah, something. Joe Williams,

your friend Joe Williams. And we're fighting Joe Williams. There it is. There it is. Okay, there we go. All right. And we're back. And we're back. Going off of bathrooms i think one of the things i miss most about covid is uh broing out with the other guys in the bathroom like in a bar bathroom like you just become immediate friends with everybody you're just no one's hostile you're just kind of like you had a little hoop in there like the nerf hoop and when

you shoot the paper towel in and it goes down in the trash you had to have that at any of your bars by you i thought you meant during COVID that was the thing you're gonna miss the most. Yeah, I thought you were saying that too. Why during COVID are you just hanging out in bathrooms? Zach's the bathroom attendant because there are none because it's COVID so there's nobody going to restaurants. Yo, the bathroom attendants are the worst though.

It's like when people pump your gas and you're in New Jersey. Sorry for our New Jersey listeners. I'm just... Don't apologize. Here's a paper towel. I'm like, here's a paper towel. And then they expect me to tip them. I'm like, literally right here, I can just grab the paper towel. We have in... Also, like... In one of the bars in D.C.,

there's a dude in the bathroom and he calls himself Big Dick. Like, he literally says, yo, what's up, man? Thank you. Like, he refers to himself as big dick and he has like all he has like the typical stuff but he has like gum all this other like he has a full it's i forgot what bar it's at but there's like multiple shelves of stacked items like it's like a display in a store or some shit one time i was like i didn't even i didn't even want to buy anything i was just like i respect

you so much for just like telling everyone hey my name is big dick you can have the tiniest dick in the world you tell everyone what's up my name is big dick with like that confidence i bought in but i ended up i was hammered i didn't remember but i ended up venmoing him for like just for like goofing around i bet him like five bucks the next morning on my Venmo it's you Venmoed big dick five dollars what the fuck happened last

night yeah if you were like actually blacked out and didn't remember I feel like you'd have a slight panic attack yeah I saw that I read that and I texted my friends like what the fuck is this about like dude the bathroom attendant. And then immediately it clicked. Yeah, he hooked up with the bathroom attendant.

I want him to have lunchables in there and a slinky and a scholastic book fair. Just everything. There was some good shit in there. It wasn't just your typical gum condoms lineup you know he had he had a diversified profile a little dogecoin a little safe moon you know fuck off it's just a broker in the bathroom cryptocurrency had to start out real small you know started with big dick in dc man how do you get how do you get that job i imagine you go to the bar and

you there's a job you can be a bartender you can be a bus boy you can be a bouncer you can be the bathroom attendant you know too ugly to be a waitress too small to be a bouncer too dumb to like be a manager i guess and like your name's big dick so they'll be like yeah you should probably go to the bathroom yeah for that guy he probably walked into the interview and was like so my name's uh big dick you're hired um when can you start you're definitely hired we just have to find a place for you sounds like the bathroom might make sense well so big just big dick's actually like huge like he's i remember he's a big dude he was definitely like a bouncer before and then one night jokingly like covered for someone in like the bathroom attendant in the bat like and just made racks and tons of tips he's like you know

what fuck it i'm gonna just ask drunk kids to give me money because i'm gonna call myself big dick and it works do you think he gets like mid-wage plus tips or is he like purely tips only he's just the tips he probably gets he probably gets uh like an actual wage like he because he's not like a server or anything he probably doesn't because servers and stuff they get less of a wage because they're mainly getting tips i think he actually makes probably minimum wage and then does that on top of it i feel like too i feel like too you don't because servers usually share the tips i feel like the bathroom attendant his tips are his or her tips are their own like you don't want, you don't, because servers usually share the tips. I feel like the bathroom attendant, his tips are, his or her tips are their own.

Like you don't want the, you don't want the bathroom tips. Good question. Are there like attendants in the women's room? Question number two for the ladies. I assume there has to be at some point, but like that seems. I've never heard a girl complain about it though. There's not a girl attendant because girls just do it anyways they'll just like leave random like stuff on the like calendar and girls will just pick it up they go they go take a penny leave

a penny mentality when they go to the bathroom take a tampon leave a lot of girls have like well like girls are more prepared for random shit they have like shit in their purse you know what i mean or like in their bag or wallet like they're prepared for this kind of shit but they're probably yeah like we're like too fucking stupid to remember this stuff so here we have a fucking eight shelf thing in the bathroom that we can give you girls had the little like vending machine for random bullcrap too though in some places i guess guys can have that too i was gonna say what's the difference between the the assortment at the in the guy's restroom versus the lady's restroom so obviously i mean like like are you saying hypothetically if there is one at the yeah like what's what's yeah what's the difference i need someone to call and got like scoop honestly

kristin or amanda or denise because i know you three actually listen it's call in, I'm going to scoop. Honestly, Kristen or Amanda or Denise, because I know you three actually listen, call in and let us know because we don't actually know. But it's got to be like a three-part, right? Like one, has that ever been a thing? Is it a thing? Right? Yes. Two, what would you want there slash what is there? Yes.

And then the third, your just general thoughts on it. Because I feel like generally most guys are like, eh, could do without it. Sometimes when you're, like, hammered and would talk to a wall, like, kind of fun. Fair. But. It's just strange. Like, think about if they had that in, like, public bathrooms. It would just be so odd.

You could go to that airport bathroom. No, no, no. On the you go to the airport bathroom no no no on the air it's like you go in into the tiny little stall he just like watches you pee and then when you when you're washing your hands excuse me sir would you like one of these towels no you just go up bend over please i'll wait for you it's free service no tips uh i am paid uh generously we're fine man southwest up their game this year that's the new addition to spirit airlines delta's punching people in the face southwest is giving them bathroom attendance

dude if spirit if spirit had bathroom attendance that man would literally be he would be shoved in a little drawer in the wall, and then you'd have to tap on the door when you're done, and he'd be like, do you want anything? I got all this, and he would open it up enough so you could see it, and then you'd be like, no, I'm good, and he'd be like, okay, and he would just shut himself back into it.

Just where the hole and where the trash can usually is, his hand just pops out, he's like, you need anything, man? He just keeps holding things out and you say no and he reaches back down and grabs something else tinder swipe left swipe right on it

oh we need to make that happen get southwest on the line we've we've mentioned southwest specifically before right that was Zach who Zach had the issue with checking his bag Southwest you're in the fucking hot seat you know what

we're setting up another boxing match okay it's gonna be Zach versus the fictional bathroom attendant from Southwest no no no, no. That's the guy that's in Zach's corner. He's ready with towels.

He's got the water. We're the tag team. We're the tag team. Yeah. But they have to roll him out in his trash can into the corner, and it's still just the hand pulling the water bottle comes out. He rolls out and looks like a Muppet. Our finishing move is fasten your seatbelts please and we just like no you get a tray table and just smack it in the head with it we could get a whole southwest themed

wwe roll the rumble going look we get chuck d'amelio this could be her personality she could be the southwest flight attendant i was thinking and then her partner could be her personality. She could be the Southwest flight attendant. And then her partner could be the bathroom attendant. It could be Oscar the bathroom attendant and he's cutting out the trash can. If you could be cremated into something, what do you want to be cremated into? Cremated

into something. Jewelpod? That would also be kind of tight. Of course. You just smoke yourself? I mean, just sprinkle some of my ashes in a J and just have all

my favorite people pass it around at my funeral. I feel like it's not good for you. Do you guys remember those sticky hands you would get at carnivals where it whiplashes and it would stick to something and you whip it back? Sprinkle my ashes

in some of that. That thing's fun as hell. You'll never get tired. At your funeral, they hand out a sticky hand to everybody and it's like, part of Corey is in each and every one of these. is fun as hell you'll never get tired at your funeral they kind of be like you're holding my hand everybody and it's like part of cory is in each and every one of these could you imagine i would love to just be like looking down at everybody's face when they get like but like super prepped up crazy like speech saying like this meant a lot to him like he just wants to be a part of your everyday life please take one on your way out can we go can we get back can we

get back to the looking down thing that's what i said whoever said that i don't know if i showed you this i already showed this tweet it was like this is one dude tweeted like rip mom and dad i know you're looking up at me right now and someone comment like looking up and he's like, yeah, they beat my ass Back to what Cory was saying I picture everyone who like they put their hand on like the casket as like comes down the aisle But no one's touching it just everyone from the pews are just throwing sticky hands on it That's so good good wait, but it may be empty casket it'd be a false casket uh no no so you cremate the bottom half of my body sprinkle some ashes and then that way it

looks like i'm a genie and then or i'm turning into a ghost and then you have the sticky hands hitting the cast this is elaborate i elaborate. I like it, though. Something tells me that I will be seeing someone as a client in therapy after they come to your funeral. All I'm saying is a lot of people hope I die before them because my funeral is going to be great. I mean, I'm hoping you die, like, tomorrow. Loki. I need another party to go to. Do you ever notice how funerals always have terrible food like i know like i died and it's sad but like why does the food have to suck like i know

the mood sucks like why can't we get some funerals have food where you go yeah you go to like a little banquet afterwards you go out to get food you don't like there's not like they cater chipotle sometimes the family like like, hosts it. See, like, I think we need to change that. I would definitely cater food in to my actual funeral. Like, in the back room, there's just a pile of Domino's. A couple Papadias from Papadias. I would go, is it Chili's or is it Applebee's that does baby back ribs? Chili's.

I'm going Chili's. Baby back ribs. As many bone-in styles of meat as i possibly can so it just looks like there's a dead body on the table really just psych the people out then i'm going cory's direction create me from the neck down you put my you put my hands you put my head on the end of the table then have a bunch of ribs leading down from there i got it no no no no they're gonna go to the rib place they're gonna go to chili's they all have to eat ribs with their sticky hands no utensils sticky hands what if what if it what if in the uh like speaking of

carnival games instead of like the sticky hands, your prize, one of the prizes is just your ashes. Some five-year-old tosses some rings and was like, congratulations, you got this earned. This random dead dude. Carnival idea. I want my dead body in a dunk tank. And whoever dunks me gets the deal. You're in the spunk tank, man. We're going back to the sperm bank we're getting them some money

there's people whose sperm have not been used they need promotion rooks is gonna be so mad he's gonna be so mad that this is gone the spunk tank comes out what if your dead body's in the spunk tank and you fall in and the sperm brings you back to life? What do you mean, what if? Do you need to go back to fifth grade biology? That's how it works, right? That's the whole point of it. The spunk tank, it was a ploy to think that it was just a promotional idea.

Really, we're just bringing people back to life. Great movie plot, guys. I think we gotta go show this to NBC. I'll talk to Hollywood. What I'm hearing is that funeral homes in general are just terrible. They're so outdated. Why do they have to have your old grandma's

curtains, terrible, uncomfortable chairs, terrible carpeting, awful lighting. flowers i guess are okay but even some of them are kind of terrible like why why can't we you guys want to start a business of like lit funeral homes with like disco lights and a dj i feel like that makes sense because all the people dying are old people who is like that's their style in like another 60 years if it's like our style maybe they are awesome and they have like an arcade in the back in like a dance floor but if that was the case then you would think what were the old parties called

sock ops you would think there'd be sock ops left and right with all these funerals but they're not and then that'd be saying like what are we gonna have like edm concerts when we go yes exactly i mean i'm down for it i just don don't know. Are you going band or are you going DJ? Wait, that was my wedding question. Let's take it on funeral for now. I'm going live band because we can get a bunch of requests going. They can throw my name into the songs to make make it a little bit more sad just to make it a little more real only songs about people dying get played um and then you don't want black betty

at your funeral i highly doubt that it'll be black brian bamberlam i was just about to say how is that all right all right all right, Corey, any of you? Yeah. I mean, you're going to be dead at that point anyway. Everyone else suffers consequences. That's why people make funerals so bad. They just want to torture everyone else who's alive, so they just make you sit through an hour-long bad service.

Yeah, that's tough because it's like, what do you want out of that? It's like, you're dead, so because it's like what do you want out of that um it's like you're dead so if everybody's like okay uh what do you want in your funeral you won't experience any of it so it's kind of like what do people other people like no here's that so the reason funerals are so sad is oftentimes is because they miss the person that died right i feel like we just need to be terrible to everybody else and that way when we die everyone will celebrate and then it'll throw like a lit funeral you're saying you hold on so you're saying you're just gonna be a dick to everybody just so that way that you have a bomb ass funeral that is the longest long con i've ever heard in my life. And then

follow up to that. Do you think that's why people are mean? It's got to be at least a top three. I appreciate that. Guys, you know Hitler's funeral was sick. People were hanging off chandeliers, shooting guns in the air, just like making out with random people. Maybe another

couple ten people died because they're just playing Russian roulette's there's no rules i mean i i feel like you can't say that it wasn't a good time right exactly right i'm finding hard things to like poke holes in my logic all right So Zach's funeral is going to be the next big thing since Hitler's funeral. Yeah? If you don't name this episode that, I'm out. You won't see me on this podcast for the rest of the time. So every time we want to go every time we want to go turn up we just like find someone in the

obituary that was like kind of a known asshole we go celebrate yeah do you think that instead of wedding crashers you'll have funeral crashers because they're gonna go through the obituaries and find like the person that looks most like a dick well they did that in wedding crashers that was like will ferrell's part but i guess he did it more to like he played on the sadness i think we should play on the hypeness and i think the way you do that is in the obituary you know how it says like loving father uh you know missed son or whatever it's just gonna say like man he had kids uh like it's zero adjectives to describe his like compassion and just like we had to do this for tax purposes no it's gonna say you're gonna want to come to this it's gonna be a good time it's

gonna say jeff died he was a man funeral service at this done sticky hands at the door featuring kago's too chill we need like skrillex we have lots of strobe lights and like machine noises in the background hologram of the dead person you don't want to die of cold toll free so we mentioned before that there was the christmas cake little debbie ice cream coming out but now they have every one of their snacks is an ice cream that's going to come out so oatmeal cream pie cosmic brownie zebra cake honey buns strawberry shortcake rolls swiss rolls and nutty bars all in ice cream form coming out like the first week of February. So I'm going to Walmart and buying like 20 tubs of ice cream. Cause so is it so excited?

Is it just the flavoring or do they have the treats sprinkled in there as well? So the nutty bars is peanut butter, ice cream swirled with chocolatey waffle cone pieces and a thick fudge squirrel. So it's not like pieces of it, but it's like sort of, okay.

It's like they got it like deconstructed, but the elements are there. Yeah. Exactly. I'm picking up what you're putting down, little Debbie. I see you. Bust down, Tatiana. Okay. Dude, it's such a good idea, and I'm so excited about it.

Corey, this weekend we're going to go tubing, and we're going to go buy ice cream, and it's going to be the best. Yeah. Sounds great. It just also sounds like a lot of paper Deniseise is gonna be eating so good luck and zach's apparently he also eats paper too so that's true based on last week's uh lollipop yeah i don't know how this is a recurring thing where it's just like yeah no i just like eat the wrapper too like it just gets in the way man sometimes it's just there it's like just move it just use your phalanges get them out the way come on have you heard the amy mayberry paper eating story no unless you've told it on the podcast now so my mom was a picky eater when she was a kid

and they didn't have a lot of money and i maybe this is why but she i don't know she ate weird things she loved like pickles pigs feet and stuff but apparently it was like didn't have a lot of money and i maybe this is why but she i don't know she ate weird things she loved like pickled pig's feet and stuff but apparently it was like didn't have enough food so whenever she was like bored in her room she would like draw food on a piece of paper of like whatever she wanted to eat and then just eat the piece of paper so what what in the fucking slum dog millionaire is that shit what the fuck are you kidding me that's literally the little redheaded orphan was it annie annie yeah that is the most annie ass shit i've ever heard in my life just literally drawing up stakes and just like it's unreal don't understand it and she like has never been able to give the

explanation for she's like i just it was good it's like i don't how do you know what age this was at like really young like elementary school or younger okay i i hope it's i hope it's not any older than elementary school that you're just munching on some loose leaf i'd hope so college you know robin got old but but, you know, paper's free. Was it three-holed line paper or, like, printer paper? What are we talking about? College-ruled, double-sided. MLA format?

Extra thick. You know, like, the stuff you use for resumes? Like, card piles? Did she laminate it? Yeah, laminated only on one side, though. Other side, just got to fill that in with crayon. The whole thing, the great idea with laminating it is you can use the dry erase now you're getting some flavor in there too and you can reuse it reuse it yeah now we're cooking with gas like that's a great

fucking idea draw food on it chew it until your saliva wipes it all off take it out flatten it out dry it and then just repeat you don't need an eraser or anything you can just we're just letting nature take its course baby i mean why not get a whiteboard just lick off ink at that point yeah that's true i didn't think we were gonna solve world hunger tonight on the podcast but here we are you're out there struggling make sure you grab your ticonderoga number two and just bite into that motherfucker just take a chop out of it like joey chestnut in the fucking hot dog eating competition just is is staples publicly traded it's gonna go way up after this podcast people are gonna be flocking staples for some

staples go out of business or is that something else i mean i still see staples all over the place man can't cross the street without a staples there it's done to mifflin oh okay all right um sweet yeah we solved toward hunker just send some whiteboards to some poor nations and done easy run for president i've been seeing this show on tiktok where a lot like they have like the little picture of your head like on your forehead and then it like rotates through and then it picks somebody

people are doing smash or pass with Disney characters so I thought let's do some smash or pass okay so I have some characters from Disney movies are we and how are we gonna say this are we gonna talk about age of cartoons are we are we good we're just gonna these are okay we're just yeah if i give you a person you're just gonna tell me smash your pass

you don't have to give me a reason you don't have to you can just smash your pass i mean we might want to justify our answers but i'm happy to know like that we're not gonna have to give reasons you don't have to i'm just it's it's an option you can't what's the format do we each answer and nobody can interrupt and then we just move on oh this is plain there will never there's not a group consensus here now everyone's saying if they're smashing and we don't and we this is a kink shame uh free podcast no kink yeah no no kink shames all right everybody ready for the first one smash yes all right smash your pass mike wazowski pass the the teeth are too prominent the teeth are too prominent on him is it weird that i was thinking of what his butt looks like how many fingers does he have on each hand three and they got sharp nails too yeah i'm gonna say

pass yeah right i wouldn't be going with oh uh my initial thought was like yeah a lot of teeth but then i was trying to picture what his backside looked like and i got stuck there uh so i'm just gonna go with pass because i haven't thought through yet but his mouth gets anywhere close to my butthole he has just eaten right through it, and I'm dead. So, like, I can't. I can't. I can't with the teeth. I'm going past as well.

Just, you know, not my typical body type that I enjoy. That's all I'm going to say. Perfectly sphere. Did you say he had a lot of teeth and that was a pro? No, I said that's a bad thing. I said they're too prominent. Like, you can see them. I thought Brian said he had a lot of teeth and that was a pro. no i said that's a bad thing i said he has they're too prominent like every every you can see them so i thought brian said he had a lot of teeth and that was no no no i was like all right the front he has a lot of teeth then what's the back look like and then i

got stuck it's like what are his back teeth what do his back teeth look like you call that how many molars does he have next ew you're gross okay so next up scar from the lion king smash a pass smash bad guys are in oh that was quick yeah i'd smash smash right guy what are we doing here this is this is giving burn some trouble right now this man's conflicted he's just anything i i'm i'm gonna smash on the condition i'm assuming like i am 18 years old and i just got in a fight with my parents and they said i couldn't date scar so now i'm running over to smash the shit i scar i just picture if any character any lion character is gonna be like a bad guy it's gonna be him and i can picture him riding a motorcycle you know what i mean it's true leather we've already established we've already established that uh mufasa bad dad and uh his sad death wasn't sad this literally doesn't

it doesn't just be smashing bats and sax getting in a fucking hypothetical fight with his parent. What the fuck is going on? With Bonnie Hunt and Steve Martin. I was going to say. Oh, yeah. Bonnie's telling me I can't go over to Scar's later. I'm sorry. I was not expecting teen drama fucking hypothetical situations here. Holy shit.

Is this pre or post him killing Mufasa? That influences my answer. Pre, smash, yes uh pass uh for me it's pre smash post smash for all reasons already highlighted bad guy death wasn't that sad i'm in there he's gonna toss me off a cliff okay question though on that too so did they ever explain why he got his scar because like that's enough curiosity to like lean me in, you know, like Pete's accent. That's a good bar story. Circumcision went wrong.

That's that's a botched job right there. Holy shit. Missed by a fucking. I mean, I guess I guess it would make sense considering that these animals don't have posable thumbs and then they have to try to give a circumcision. Like, it's probably not going to go well. I don't think lions are circumcised, but I think Zach can imagine it. So it's fine.

We this is like, I don't know why I didn't expect this to get off the rails as much as it is. But man. All right. Next up. Goofy. Oh, smash. Oh, yeah. Which version? the rails as much as it is but man all right next up goofy oh smash oh which version every version dealer's choice all right i'm smashing dad goofy goofy doesn't have his son max not smashing him because he's giving off hot dad vibes smash also good dad we all agree good great dad great dad ideal dad he'd take me camping sorry that's it that's all that makes a good dad is he takes you camping that's it that's part of the plot to the goofy movie he took max camping and max and appreciate

i'm like a great stepfather to max i think the list like 20 things man uh i was gonna say probably great at dirty talk because he just like rambles over his words you have no idea what he's talking about i'm gonna fuck you brian i'm just i'm smashing strictly because i've heard people refer to receiving head as receiving that and like i would just want to know if that's, if that's a reality, you know what I mean? Is,

yeah. Is that historically accurate? Like, that's the thing. It's just based off true events or is this historical fiction as, as seen on TV type of deal? Yeah. Guys,

do you remember the like book series? It was like a tree house that they could travel back in time and they would go to like historical events Yes, we recreate that but do what we've all just said where they like travel back in time to like make the penis on Michelangelo bigger yeah I'm down sure. I thought you said go back in time to fuck all these distant characters episode two i don't know how that's gonna work one i don't think you need to go back in time for that like i think they just live in an alternate dimension like i don't think that's a back in time question no it's

you're going back to when the movie was written and then you're getting animated into the movie get it like railing brian's going back to brian's going back to racist disney no yeah no but okay we're all on board. Cool. I'll call it Adult Swim. I feel like that's perfect for them. It'd be great. Brian's eight topics behind right now.

Hey, man, I think that's still gold. I'm just thinking about the childhood books I read, apparently. Give us another character, Rooks. We're thinking about those sculpted pee-pees. Hey, penis on the brain, man. It just happens that way. Okay, next up. Genie from Aladdin. Smash or pass? Pass. Smash.

Big funny guy. He's a ghost. And I get three wishes? I'm assuming I rub the lamp. He can rub something else. Ooh. I like the way you think, but I just need to know about I don't know if this is going to be the right word at all, but his viscosity, you know what I'm saying? When he comes out, he's like poofing and it does. Am I just need to know about, I don't know if this is going to be the right word at all, but his viscosity, you know what I'm saying?

So when he comes out, he's like poofing in a dust. Am I just thrusting this big dust ball or am I getting some friction? Yeah, no. Dude, he can transform into anything. If you want to make a wish and make it however you want, he'll do that for you. Can he transform into Goofy? And then you still get two more. Okay, so now and then also my other point are my wishes conditional on performance so let's say i don't tickle his fancy is he like yeah fuck your wishes

get out of here no you rub the lamp you rub the lamp yeah but like i'm saying like so like rub the lamp right like do i have to rub the lamp the right way to get my wishes i'm asking it's literally a lyric in the song it's like you gotta rub me the oh no that's a christine aguilera song he said that's literally a lyric christine aguilera the genie same same song yeah okay i i think i'm passing just because like i'm not i'm not banging this i'm not banging this three. What? I'm not banging this card. You're passing on three wishes, my guy. I'm doing this for the wishes. Yeah. He's already out of the lamp.

It's like. You're meeting him at a bar. You're not finding him randomly. He's hitting on you. And then you should go touch him. You try to grab some butt. And it just goes right through. And you get nothing.

I assume in these scenarios, right? Like there isn't like work involved like i'm not taking people on dates like i'm not going out meeting the family i assume this isn't fucking disney hinge dude no it's just yeah so like why but so why are we focused on if this man's coming out of the lamp like zach said if i rubbed it I get three wishes and he's coming out and yeah, I'm going to, I'm going to smash, you know?

But if you come, but like, I'm just saying like, I like if wishes aren't in the deal, which who knows, they might not be like, I don't know. But like if wishes are,

if it's conditional, like I don't think I'm going to try to figure out a way to bang this dust ball. I think that's fair. I don't want him transforming mid-thrust. He's going to throw some weird stuff at me that I'm not ready for. That means you're doing a good job. No, man.

It's going to turn into a horse, and I'm going to be like, I'm not cool with that. And then he's going to turn back into Genie and be like, all right, that's fine. Why would he do that? Doesn't he control this? I'm not keep shaming. He might be into something I'm not into. That's what I'm saying. That's fair. Right? that guy honestly now that might actually convince me to smash because like this dude is in the he's like in his bottle all the time this man's gotta be lonely

his mind's gotta be wandering dude this guy's probably a freak i'm smashing i changed my answer uh next nice next on the list olaf I'm smashing. I changed my answer. Next. Nice. Next on the list. Olaf. He's the snowman from Frozen. Cold. Big pass.

So cold. Big cold guy. He's like 10 foot tall, though. Big guy. Girls love that. Pass again. Short kings only. There's the height of Olaf. Maybe Elsa's 10's 10 foot tall there's some oh oh no yeah so i saw this shit yeah there's some book on like

frozen and it's like it showed you how tall olaf was and he's like four foot but elsa's like more than twice his height in the show so she's easily like nine and a half feet tall and people are like this doesn't really check out else is a fucking titan um yeah i'm i'm conflicted on olaf you know funny guy i think like i think we could figure something out but like i think in general i'm just gonna pass on it you got other options but like i will say the only the best scene in all of the movies is Olaf telling the history of everything. Like what happened in the first movie. And Frozen 2 when he's recapping everything. Sorry. Tangent.

I haven't seen Frozen 2. Next up. Oh my god, what's going on with my fucking voice? Jesus Christ. Next up. Lightning McQueen. Smasher Pass. Pass. Metal. Won't McQueen. Smash or pass? Pass.

Metal. Want to put it in a tailpipe? We passed on a snowman, and you're going to try to hook up with leather or carbon fiber? Well, hold on. How do they fuck in the Cars universe? How does that work? Because there's kids. How does that work?

I'm going to tell you right now, you can absolutely find that on twitter because i've seen so many memes of characters from cars on twitter fucking each other they just crash i don't think that's twitter so it's no it's it's twitter it is absolutely like a deep side of tumblr where it's just cartoon porn and he's just this is where he got all so as much as i want to be able to say much i want to be able to say uh smash so i can just yell kachow the entire time i'm gonna have to yell pass i don't think i can do it yeah yeah i'm gonna have to pass on that one just doesn't make sense to me how it would happen just for the sake of it i'm gonna say smash okay next um next on my list buzz lightyear oh helmet how tall is he dealer's choice is he still is it the new buzz lightyear the one that looks like a cop no not the buzz lightyear he i mean i guess it's still your choice whatever you want

i want like my buzz lightyear he's absolutely wearing the condom thing on his head a hundred percent like i don't care he's absolutely wearing the condom on his head safe buzz safe buzz light hashtag exactly my buzz light year um is he still toy sized because no dealer's choice man i don't know seven inches tall smash elaborate yeah because that because it indirectly means i'm smashing tim allen so i'll say yeah i will i choose not to elaborate smash all right cory's i'm smashing child childhood hero smash i thought you say childhood dream i mean dealer's choice a little bit different all right and last one on my list big old pumbaa oh his thanks doesn't he uh absolutely smash have you seen the dumper on pumbaa oh my god

smash in a heartbeat say less oh um smash but he's in the uh didn't he do a distraction where he's in a hula skirt yeah oh my god i'm gonna say smash assuming i get to live in their paradise that they get to hang out in so i'll say smash but only for the property value smash and it means no worries you know all his acts are fucking conditional dude literally fucking there's a dude on shark tank that's always like you have to hit like all these numbers and shit for it to like mr wonderful um it's like zach's talking about like fucking disney characters it's timon and pumba right which one's which one's like the lemur timon's pig timon's the tiny one whom was the one with the

fucking fat juicy dumper i'm gonna pass because going to happen after Rooks has had his turn, and it's just going to be a nightmare. So it's just not going to be the same anymore. Nerd. But hey, yeah, that's my contribution to the grab bag this week. I'll give you trouble. Pop your piece around the track if you get nails and more nails. I think for 2022, we need to make a new motto that if i'm paying for the date i can make it as fun

for me as i fucking want i'm paying for this whole thing you're like along for the ride like i don't really give a shit busters then we're hitting up a cemetery we're gonna go tubing listen yeah and then we're gonna go eat some mac and cheese just knock out all four i'll plan a date that's comparable for both of us but if i'm paying for the date let's what we're doing some shit that i find fun i'll give a shit if you find it fun like you just you know if you can vibe with me cool then you're we'll go on the second date all right my bad dates though buying a six pack of washcloths from walmart yeah definitely washcloth shopping's on there. Taking stuff to the dump, like, hate doing that. So, like, if you want to do that, like, that's kind of on you.

Like, I don't want to, like, that's just your job. I said chores. Yeah, it's not fun. Yeah. But I'm being specific. Like, depending on the chore, maybe taking stuff to the dump, I fucking refuse. I'm not going. And then probably my last one would be like i don't know like if you needed

worked on your car and we had to like hang out in the like the dealership and just sit there like jiffy lube yeah like if we're just drinking that like pot of coffee that's there like offered six times hey do you guys need water or anything's like bitch i've been looking at this shit the whole time. If I wanted it, I would have gone up and grabbed it already. You're watching like Angel Has Fallen on TNT on the little TV. It's always some shitty ass movie. But hey, tell me, does that sound like a fun first date?

Dude, Jiffy Lube as a place to get engaged, definitely high on my list. Oh, yeah. Get a whole audience. That'll be on our engagement list. That'll be, that'll be that's gonna be it's gonna be a top dog you're going to the local oh man um i'm gonna go tp a jiffy loop that'll be fun they'll be so confused that's all i'm just i just want people to be confused in the morning you You want to go teepee a building with cameras? Brian's basically like, I want to get arrested. I want to commit a small misdemeanor.

Is it more fun to teepee a Jiffy Lube than to teepee your neighbor? Yes. Have you ever heard of anyone who's teepeed a Jiffy Lube? No. I haven't told a lot of people. Look, it's like you do it. What? Also, the whole fun part of TPing is so you get someone's reaction, right?

Like you TP your friend's house. No cameras. You talked about it. You TP your friend's house. It's like, oh, you're going to see him in school and they're going to be like, what the fuck? What are you going to TP this Jiffy Lube and go in next day? The wheel changed. Before it starts, it's just, hey, oh my gosh, what happened here, guys?

Brian's first in line waiting at the Jiffy Lube when they come in to open up for that day. He doesn't even leave. He just fucking TP'sps it sits out in front he gets in line you know how they have to pull the garage doors open he just gets in his car and he's like parked waiting for the doors to open with just tp all over it with the toilet guys how long you been sitting here oh you guys don't have your hours up what would your excuse be for that i mean it would make my if i worked at a jiffy lube and i showed up and they were there's just tp everywhere great day

that is such a lie that is such a fucking lie great if you showed up to any job that you worked at and it was the building was covered in toilet paper you'd be like oh i'm gonna remember this forever yeah but like it's different if it's a job where you don't have to be a part of the cleanup crew and then the job where you do have to be a part of the cleanup crew like if i had to clean up fair if i was working my fucking job i show up at 7 a.m didn't get good sleep last night my commute in was dog shit fucking dunkin donuts they're out of goddamn sausage fucking how are you out of sausage this is dunkin donuts and i roll up and my place of business is covered in fucking toilet paper and now i have to single like me and one other person have to walk around and rip this shit off

the fucking columns of our building like fuck you i'm i'm absolutely livid yeah okay yeah i'm with you there all right how about we TP, like, the White House? A Chase Bank. Isn't TPing the White House, isn't that what National Treasure's about? Yeah. Yeah. They replaced the Constitution with a roll of toilet paper. I think that's a solid flick right there.

Have you guys ever TPed up, like, a house before? Yeah. We've'd up a house before? Yeah. We've egged a house. Do you think all Chase banks have a vault in the back, like the old-timey banks, or no? I'm pretty sure they do. They do. Like a vault vault with a big door?

What other vault would you be thinking of? I don't know. Just like a not- Like a pole vault? Like not an old-timey vault. I feel like all the vaults I've seen have been very old- old timey and not these new modern vaults that are with the big like fridges with the big silver doors more like yeah exactly have you ever seen um fast and the furious though when they're in brazil they're pretty easy to crack it doesn't take much effort you just need

you took up a couple cars to it and just rip it out of a building oh yeah or you just take the fucking entire safe yeah that's it's true too no yeah i think it'll get like changed because like the laundromat didn't have any i had to go in a bank for the first time in my life and i walked i was like can i have quarters sure you watch and then i go walk to the vault for quarters no it's like there's a desk and then there's a this giant old-timey vault right next to him. I like well that seems weird And they're just like gave me some quarters. I walk out. I think you just walk in steal some money We should rob a bank. You know I'm gonna add good first date idea Opening up a new bank account at your local Chase Bank together

Yeah, you're going joint first date commitment i'm doing great great first date great first date is doing that and then immediately breaking it up and see how they act about it like see if they're in for the money or not because then you're like if you end it they're gonna be like hey wait what the fuck and then it's like oh you just wanted me for my money too bad i don't fucking have any you do that and then that is what you you use that account for all of your future dates so then if you get complaints for not going on enough dates you just say well that bank account's still empty you know i took care of the first one when we went to go open that bank account you're up next on date number two what the fuck boom i'm investing our date funds into a 401k 40 years from now we're gonna go on some crazy

adventures you put 20 in it together and then it it uh the interest what is it like 0.01 now a month so you get one penny a month and then eventually after you know like 30 years you could go on a second date it's not gonna be a good day you can go get ice cream but it's a long con it would just be so funny if this actually happened because you could just text this person for the next 50 years be like hey man got a lot of interest in the bank out this month what do you want to do with it and they're just like leave me alone gary just like another year later like it's it was a good month for the united states there's no war a lot of interest we got a couple hundred dollars in there. Like, you want to take a flight to Garuba?

And they're like, leave me alone, Gary. Did you say take a flight to Garuba? I heard Garuba. Garuba. You know I can't speak. Garuba. Garuba. Come on, pretty mama.

Come on. Jesus Christ. Well, those were our good dates and bad dates. I think those were some great fucking ideas. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. Happy Valentine's Day. Rooks, you said Spanx for a guy

is a condom. But you don't wear that out to the club just in case. You put it on before you go out. You said Spanx strictly for the for the shaft and then cory said it fits like a glove um let's talk about condoms yes so zach would not you wear what you put on before you go out well like as i was talking about it like why don't more people do that like you know how you they have like dress for success like you dress

for the job you want i want to dress for the idea that i'm having sex tonight it's just motivation oh yeah exactly like i know they can't last forever but you can figure you put it on at nine and you get back at three you think it could last the six hours no oh god i feel like that would be so fucking uncomfortable it's probably not good you probably have to wear like you can't wear cotton boxes so it gets a little pilly on there you probably to make sure you're kind of you have to wear like two condoms and then take the second one off and then the first one's okay it's like tear away pants when you're sitting on the bench yeah pretty much i don't i kind of like that idea because like you just go with a mindset like

i'm gonna use this condom although if you have to go to the bathroom, though, that'd be tough. You couldn't go to the bathroom at all that night. Just poke a hole. Well, hypothetically, right? Hypothetically, let's say you do end up going back with somebody you're gonna do like a little act you're gonna turn away and like be like make like a fake ripping noise and act like you're putting a condom on facing them away are you just gonna be like no i've been wearing this condom all night like what the fuck that's some psycho shit you know what that that tells that person though that you like

to plan ahead and you know what that's not a bad trait to have so just say exactly i mean this also goes in my other invention which is the condom gun which i feel like we've talked about before right where you can somehow shockingly we have not oh okay so this is one of my inventions you can it's like a gun and then you insert your gun you insert the condom into the cartridge and then the but the the what is put the muzzle or the hole of the gun is big enough for your dick so you put your dick in the hole and then you fire the gun and it inserts and puts the condom right in your dick

I'm not going to shoot myself in the dick every time instead of just fucking rolling the condom down your dick which takes half a second you're fucking oh hold on let me get this really quick you're reaching your cabinet you're pulling out a fucking magnet fucking exactly a magnum imagine imagine the marketing connection brother a magnum with my magnum to put on my magnum all right hold on hold on hold on so a girl comes over to your place and you guys are you know

getting intimate and you say hold on hold on you reach for your drawer you pull out a gun so so how do you think she might feel in a certain situation i'm gonna i'm gonna aim it at myself and then you turn it towards you then you have to stand up and put your dick in the barrel of this gun and just be like yeah this is all part of the process like what the fuck

that person would be scarred forever okay fair the initial optics look good but what's worse you fumbling around with a condom putting it on backwards and then having to open up a new one. Or you just guarantee and you just one shot baboosh and it's on your it's on your peen. I mean, the guns, the backup plan, because you already have one on when you're coming home. That's true.

Yeah. So you need a fresh one. You're prepared. Because imagine like, imagine you just need multiple. It's like, oh, we got to kill the mood. You know, we got to I got to unwrap the wrap. I sit up gotta sit up i gotta fumble around i gotta turn the lights on a gun you just grab this sucker or you have a holster too you can unholster it this man said this man said stopping to put a condom on will kill the mood but a gun to the point is what you need. The gun to the peen is what you need, brother.

Buy my condom gun. Me giving this fucking revolver a little game of just the tip is gonna be not a mood killer, but me putting on a fucking condom is. Dude, how sweet would a six-shooter be? You could, like, twist the barrel, and then it's like, bang, and then you could play Russian roulette

with a gun, be like, alright, listen. You're putting six condoms on now? No, no, no. Imagine you play Russian roulette with a gun be like you're putting six condoms on now imagine you play russian roulette there's six guys in the room and like and so you just put one condom in load the chamber and be like all right we're gonna do a little risky tonight do we get no condom or condom sex and then bang and then if it fires a blank you have no condom sex for that night it's either you get a condom or it shoots your penis off it's firing a blank yeah it's firing a blank you better hope you fire a blank there's another sliver i'm behind the russia roulette game if there's it's either a condom

or bullets it's literally like you're either doing the full blowing your dick off or you're gonna put a condom on i i'm all about the holster though you got wear that guy out to the club they think you're like just kind of aggressive and you have a gun on you then you come home you've been prepared the whole time got one on and on your hip at the same time dude imagine the accessory market too you could customize it like different types of guns you could get new skin new skin just dropped gun charms yeah you could team up with Apex Legends, COD. The possibilities

are endless, Matt. Spin Zone, you could also spin it into a fleshlight as well. You could make the barrel a fleshlight,

and then you could also do that. You could have different attachments. So now you're actually fucking the gun. Now you're

actually having sex with the gun. Is this a transformer? Like, is it an alien? How is it transforming into

this? You just remove the barrel oh it's not working oh sorry like i thought i didn't realize i had the pocket pussy uh barrel on hold on let me swap this out really quick it's the silencer Smith's trying to put a condom on She's like why are you thrusting You're like oh sorry shit She won't be able to hear it though Very true

All this is patent pending So no one steal this from me Otherwise I'll have to sue you TM Yeah TM Trademark Otherwise, I'll have to see you. Bye.