It’s Wednesday My Dudes - Ep. 96: Bee Boop, You Are Dead

Episode Date: March 1, 2023

The boyos debate magic underpants, vultures eating butt, and robo-Zak recites speeches from A Bugs Life. Rate us 5 stars on Spotify! and leave a review and rate on Apple Podcasts! Links here to follow on social media! and find other places to listen!

And here we go. Sent in by my boy Victor. A kid from high school who routinely messages us about the podcast after last week's story about the chocolate butt plug sent me this article. One, just the title. More and more vultures eat their prey butt first. Sick. What are we doing as a nation to influence the vultures to do this?

This is a millennial thing, right? Well, like, now I need to read into it because now I need to know why they're doing that. This is a first glance. This looks like an extensive article. I'm just going to say that. Like, it's not like a quick little blog. This looks like an extensive article. I'm just going to say that. Like, it's not like a quick little blog. It's like I got to scroll. Yeah, it's scientific, Doug.

So the one quote from it is maybe already knew that vultures sometimes eat their meals but first. But did you know that the practice is becoming more common and that humans are kind of sort of to blame? How are we to blame? Did they hear that one Chris Brown song about eating booty like groceries and it's like took that running? Great song

though. Yeah. Apparently the vultures love it. Where did you see that quote? Am I tripping? It's like the first three sentences of the thing. What link did you make, my guy? Well, I was just trying to, like, skim through and, like, fucking skim through it.

Incredible, though. Like, why not, like, leg first? You know? Like, there's meat there? Why are we going butthole first bite i'm up to that national geographic explorer jen guyton explains that a hungry vulture will go straight for the softest parts of the body first yeah yeah you're just going for the eyeballs in the book eyeballs in the butt yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna go i'm gonna go thighs over butthole first how about you guys

oh it's okay so it's just saying that like since like humans hunt the big cats like the big cats are the ones that fuck up the vultures but since there's no big cats then there's more vultures they know what they were doing with the article that they made they know how to get rid of yeah it wasn't a hypothetical question they'd answer in the article but i was just here for the title of the article i'm more just like oh that's fascinating but like also like okay don't say we didn't teach you it is it's misleading though because it's saying like why more and more vultures eat their prey but first the article is just saying there is vultures and vultures always eat the butt first anyway so it's not like more and more it's happening it's just no there's just more vultures eating fucking ass like did you read the whole article you said

it's pretty extensive it's only been like a minute or two maybe you get to the conclusion about halfway through this man's a quick reader cause like eat the wing or something well they can't cause their beaks can't tear through the skin they can't? that's why they go for the softest parts it says in the article

vultures have dentures basically they have to take them out they have special gum that they chew too yeah they take their beaks out at night and put them in the river clean them off that would be uh a little strange victor being pretty active though i like that oh it's great like i so shout out victor one two haven't talked to him since we graduated except did we they're not on the board anymore and please don't play the screen i don't want to hear the scream hard to believe they got the boot rooks did it for us already it's fine but yeah i know like

my communication with him since high school has been exclusively through podcast stuff and he'll just like randomly send me memes and articles about it and it's it's great i'll keep it like that for the rest of my life i love it it's wednesday my dudes really brings the people back together you know exactly just what we do totally the point of this whole thing all right do you guys want a hypothetical question about something magical sure all right do you guys want a hypothetical hypothetical question about something magical sure all right magic carpets if you unravel them and then re-knit it into something else will it still like levitate like would it still have magical powers if it was yeah i mean magic carpets usually just float It's not like magical carpet that has super strength. You know, it's usually kind of one thing. Have you ever seen the Aladdin?

He like that carpet lifts a whole bunch of shit that like, I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, why would I do this? I feel like the carpet's already in the perfect form of flying. You don't want a hoodie? No. Because I feel like it's aerodynamic.

I want to sit. That's what I want to do. I can feel like it's aerodynamic. I want to sit. That's what I want to do. I can't be sitting in a hoodie. I want to sit down while I'm flying. You could lay in a hoodie. No, you can't. Your legs will be dangling. What about a body suit?

Then you're just Superman. This is just so much effort. I already have this fucking thing that can fly around. Now I have to learn how to unknit it and then knit it into something else you know how long of a process that is like how zach immediately assumes the rug is like an like i don't even know like a five by six he goes not enough rug it's a magical rug man it can be a larger sized rug the one rug we have welcome that is is based off of Aladdin and Jasmine.

Now granted, both of them could fit on it. However though, I feel like people in that part of the world are smaller than normal. Aladdin seemed like a short king and he was taller than Jasmine. We have the technology. Let's look it up. Hold on. How tall do you think Aladdin is? Aladdin's 5'8". Jasmine's 5'4".

No, Jasmine's 5'6". Aladdin looked way smaller. Yeah, he could fit in all those nooks and crannies to steal all the stuff. He was like a Thomas's English muffin. How old was Aladdin? Give me Jafar's height first.

Since when is that? Because Jafar's a tall king. Oh my god, now I'm down a whole thing. Jafar should have been hooping. Oh. Get Jafar in a tall king. Oh my god, now I'm down a whole thing. Jafar should have been hooping. Oh. Get Jafar in the league, man. Get his big man working. Jafar is tall. Jafar is definitely tall.

He's 6'3". Yeah, jeez. And this just took me to a Disney one, so he's the only Aladdin character in here. But apparently, if you want to know, Moana's 7 foot 6, supposedly. Based on this article. James P. Sullivan is also

7 foot 6. No way. I mean, that I believe. I don't believe Moana. What are we doing? Buddy, I'm just reading the article that I did not vet at all. I'm saying more the people who made that, like, how's Mulan 7 feet? That means everyone in the movie Mulan is

taller than seven feet because she's not towering. I thought you said Mulan. I heard Mulan too. It was confusing. No, Mulana. Sorry. Okay. I guess she is big. Also, another random question with

Aladdin on Google was what race was Aladdin? And I just like expanded it because I was curious. And it says Chinese in the earliest forms of the story. So I'm just really questioning every source that we have. So my Google, it's different than your google says jasmine is five seven so i didn't say anything about jasmine i know just saying okay that's what my google says you didn't find that answer yet so that's true i was too busy looking at way too many other disney yeah cory what are you doing i clicked on the first link man burn picked up his phone for eight seconds and

found an answer you're over here fucking browsing dude perusing the disney world all right so if she's five seven alexis alex answers.com also says she's five four either way all right the guy who played five six well the guy who played him in the live action one is five eight so all right five six and five five seven and five eight cool whatever the same height 5'6". Well, the guy who played him in the live action one is 5'8". Alright, 5'6", and 5'7", and 5'8". Cool, whatever. Same height. That's two small people on a carpet. They both fit. They're pretzel style, though. That's big enough to...

Okay, but it's big enough to make a pair of underwear in a crop top. But why... And then you can kind of just float. No, because you tip over. Your body is top-heavy. Your body would tip over. You would have to your body would like tip over you would have to use so much core strength to try to balance yourself okay and burn you said this earlier all it does is like float whip around right yeah so if you're taking the carpet like

the carpet just stays as a carpet and it like pull it like really just like pulls them up and flies them around like your clothes aren't going to be like form fitting on you while they're're making you fly like they're gonna be tugging you around because it's like more like on your body you're gonna be giving yourself like a massive wedgie if you're putting fucking shorts on that's just gonna be dragging you across the world the rug is the ultimate mode of transportation you just decided to make any any more any form of change worse by unraveling the drug do you ever look at them when they're on the rug and they're like holding onto the sides afraid they're gonna fall off no they do hold onto the sides actually they do but like gently you don't think a pair of underwear and then like a shirt wouldn't be good enough to like stay on underwear my asshole is getting torn into two pieces because that shit

is just dragging me through the sky by my asshole you act act like they're going to work together. They're sitting cross-legged on it. You un-stitch it. You basically kill the carpet. So how do you know that the two are going to work together? I took a carpet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One little thread from the top to the bottom. I took a carpet that I could stay on perfectly fine

and I turned it into a smaller pair of underwear that i'm now sitting why am i sitting on a pair of underwear like scrunched up on it why not just take the big fucking carpet that fits my entire body and you guys are uninventive i do want to track it around in a carpet very what do you mean all over the place in the movie there's video evidence brian i don't say this lightly this is one of your worst hypotheticals ever i feel like you gotta like parallel park uh uh this is the equivalent this is the equivalent of saying like all right so you have this lamborghini what if you deconstruct it and made a toaster out of it but don't that be fucking sweet i mean it's like no i would

rather have the lamborghini really sounds like would be a really powerful toaster. I might be in on the toaster. Put the decal, put the bowl in front of it like a Lambo toaster. Honestly, that would be the hardest thing. Does that exist? Maybe. My aunt, the company she used to work for, the guy who

ran it, sold the company, got millions of dollars, whatever, started a new company. His new company just makes toasters and they're like three four five hundred dollar toasters so she has one at home because they're like buds so i've used like a bougie toaster before i'll say i feel like toaster technology hasn't improved that much like i feel like we have big gaps better it just it just has settings so you could toast like either side of it differently so if you get a bagel you can like toast the inside a lot and the outside just warming up i googled it and someone

posted on youtube august 24th 2020 first lamborghini toaster and it is a lime green toaster with like a gear shifter as the lever and a lamborghini across it with the logo what in the fuck are we doing people it's pretty dope how much is it i don't know it's here you're gonna make me watch this fucking youtube remember the guy and uh on campus the lamborghini guy like what if he just walked around with a toaster lamborghini toaster guy the evolution of the Penn State Oh my god This toaster has a fucking spoiler on it man Come on What the fuck is this To keep the toast in when you're moving really quick

And then it has the little shit You know how Lamborghini's engines in the back Like it has like a little like engine Oh my fucking god So yeah I don't see a price on here If I click the more button on YouTube It says PayPal me if you want to help a little like engine oh my fucking god so yeah i don't i don't see a price on here um if i click the more button on youtube it says paypal me if you want to help um buddy it looks like you have a lamborghini toaster what the fuck do you want me to pay you for is this like a kickstarter type

of deal i don't need to pair up with demon box and then somebody just randomly gets that in the demon box also this guy's toes extremely burnt like how do you guys like your toast dude i mean it has so much horsepower how are you supposed to control it yeah that's true like if i'm getting a lamborghini toaster that has that much fucking kick to it my toast better be fucking like dust like i better like have it with more bread and then it's just like ash coming out of it like it's just too little amount of toast for that bad boy. Do you take the stick shift and put it into one for heat one, and then you have to shift to two?

No, there's just a lever. Oh. All right, I'm out. Way to go, Biz Buzz, bitch. Doxing you. It is Wednesday, my dear. I'm going to fuck you, Brian. Yo.

Yo, how do you get milk out of a crab? Give me milk now, mommy. Fat matches. Solve world hunger tonight. Look at this vagina. Animal style. Bonnie is a wonderland. Be the way.

I'm sweater. Ow! That came as an orgasm? What? What? Woohoo! That's like an orgy my guy What's up sluts?

The Olympics are a fraud Your word is Reichstrabatist Ew You're gross Anywhere close to my butthole He is just eating right through Your bottom self Trying to lowkey penetrate you

Hey boo boo I shall not Yeah I shall not Talking around Just shitting himself all the time Trying to have sex with a lover Gun to the penis

What you need, brother. White Jesus. Kirby's down there just blowing. Kneecaps are not organs. Fuck you, Ratatouille. It is Wednesday, my dudes. Welcome back to another episode of It's Wednesday, My Dudes. Episode 96.

Finally have a full squad for the first time a couple weeks so we got four that was that was rooks it's now it's all through the yeah we'll start over again uh just do the intro fully uh and zach yeah all right it's just gonna be rooks answering every question in our voices the entire time. Yeah. We can deal with that. Got to do something more than that. We got a lot of call-ins this week, though.

So that's going to be the main topic. We'll see if we have any other dumb, hypothetical, magical questions to really keep Zach happy in this. But yeah. How's everyone's weeks? Who wants to go first uh i was out last week so i guess i could go i haven't picked my emoji yet someone else yeah so i have my emoji um my emoji is uh pretty bland and straightforward uh it's the two parents with the uh who i can only assume is their child uh i can't have this is not a birth we don't know with a a little human you know really digging

deep it could be an abduction type deal we got going on you assume maybe adoption but yeah i'm gonna just go with it's their child um yeah, I was out last week. I had my parents in town for visiting. I don't know. My dad over Christmas was like, yeah, we figure we're going to come like see you in February to help work on the house. And to which I never told him that I needed help on the house. So I was confused as to what his agenda was. But we just chilled and he found random shit around the house to fix up and build so uh good on you jeff and then my mom of course like deconstructed like my refrigerator my

cabinets like reorganized everything and like cooked a lot so that was really nice yes rooks you have a question how would you just say refrigerator refrigerator did you say it funny i feel like you said that funny sorry i don't know man if only this was recorded and we could play it back and listen oh that'd be sick anyway i got i got you i got you for next week we'll uh we'll have a enunciation are we really doing game tape on this thing we talked about last week doing game tape and now apparently we are uh but uh it was good um a week is a long time to live in a small house with your parents though when you're 29 years old um so by about friday i think we're all tired

uh so thanks for the help very appreciated house is in a tip-top shape we got heat down in the basement now it's pretty sick sick. Yeah, it was good. So that was my week. I feel like I can't really remember much because all the days just blended in together because it was just like the same thing each day. But that was good. Timo Mayer to the Devils. Go Devils. And go Sharks also.

And I watched Ant-Man yesterday. So that was my week. what kind of name is timo uh swiss name much like the name nico who is also swiss and on the devils all right rox how was your week um so my emoji um i did the little astronaut dude i was buzz aldrin for two and a half days pretty much um for those who don't know buzz aldrin refers to being buzzed um getting after it a little bit going to the moon um so friday uh denise's brother and fiance came and we went to the knicks wizards game which you thought would be shitty. You were like, oh, it's a doo-doo

game to watch. It was actually pretty solid. Julius Randle scored like 46. It was fucking nutty. We went to the game, had five or six tall boys in the game. It was juicy. And then after that,

it was... Was it Juice Randle? juice randall and then shout out to um my boy milky mark it was his birthday weekend so friday night came back after the game i feel like it's milky mark's birthday multiple times a year like no i just talk i just talk about him a lot but like there's so many times you go to the club and get bottle service and it's like a happy birthday mark. You're still small. I've seen that sign four or five times. Here's the bit.

Here's the bit. Last year, dudes, we came on Corey and Denise came. We got a table and Johnny got the sign for the table and it just said Marcus small okay every table that someone in our friend group has gotten in the last year which I think is like three or four after that always says something about Mark being small on our thing the last time you saw a Marcus small

one Mark wasn't there it was me Dan Jimmy and Johnny at fucking Zeebies. And it said, Mark is forever small. Mark was not there. Okay. I assumed it was his birthday, and they were doing that to make fun of him. And I was like, dude, this kid ages fast. I did not think about the fact that the sign always has Mark's name on it. Yeah, it was Milky Mark's birthday. Big shout out. we went out and uh

where the fuck did we go why am i blanking on this i don't know we went out somewhere everyone's gonna call me an idiot it's fine um we went out got after it oh yeah we went to um we went to 12 after 12 there's just like the bar i've talked about on here that's like Alice in Wonderland. It's a fucking maze. It's shit show. But it was a really good time. Had a blast. Was out until like 1.30 or 2. Next morning, time to wake it up and do it all again, baby.

We got brunch at 1. Went to brunch. Bopped around at different bars. Went to this place, the Museum of Illusions, after a few of the bars. And it's like I thought it was gonna be like it's really cool But it's like also like a little like You know what a museum they call themselves a museum

And it's kind of like a little small like Like It was like 40 minutes They said it was gonna be like two and a half hour Or they said it was gonna be an hour and a half or something It was like 30-40 minutes and we were like Dogging it at some points But we saw some cool shit Like it was going to be an hour and a half or something. It was like 30, 40 minutes. And we were like dogging it at some points. But we saw some cool shit.

Like it was some cool stuff. And then went to a few more. Any magic carpets? No magic carpets. Sorry, boys. Went to a few more bars. And then went over Jimmy and Johnny's place. Drank there.

Went out after that. Midnight. Hit a goddamn wall. Had to come home. Sunday. Golfed. And I wasn't even drinking. And I was a little buzzed.

Liver went through it this weekend. But we had a grand old time. But yeah. Buzz Aldrin to the moon last weekend. And this upcoming weekend. I might have to. We'll go back. It's around.

Buzz Aldrin's coming back. Because C-Word and Mrs. C-Word are coming into town this weekend for dude's weekend. But, yeah. Put livers on watch. All right, Zach, how was your week? My weekend was good. My emoji is the dartboard. And I'll get to that later.

But Friday went out just bopping around. It snowstormed randomly on Friday. my emoji is the dartboard. Um, and I'll get to that later. But, um, Friday went out just bopping around. It like snow stormed randomly on Friday, like the big thick boy snowflakes. Um, which was kind of a surprise. Cause it's like,

it's like that thing when you walk into a bar and then immediately look out the window, you're like, Oh, it's snowing, I guess like that's an unfortunate situation. Um, so we had to deal with that. It is February though. Yeah.

But you know, I feel like it's kind of like like what like what gives mother nature um okay uh so yeah we went on went out in west loop for a little bit um kind of bopped around different bars i think i've come to realize like any bar that has velvet couches or candles in the middle of the tables i hate it's too snooty and high for me um or people or girls wear like the shawls with the middle of the tables, I hate. It's too snooty and high for me. Or when girls wear the shawls with the feathers or the fucking fur,

I know I'm in the wrong place. It's just not my vibe. In Aladdin? It's cold out and they want to still wear a sleeveless shirt, but it's cold out and they want to look hip, so they wear the cover shawl thing over it that's furry. That's like furry.

Like that's when I know I'm in the wrong type of bar for my, for my speed. Um, so, um, we went to picturing like a 1950s, like, I know like flapper.

Yeah. Yeah. But like, it's, yeah, that's, that's, that's a fair,

like it's those bars where like every, like there's no tables or it's like underground and cheeky, but everyone's fucking there. Like, Oh, this is this hip new bar, but it's like, Oh, it's those bars where like every like there's no tables or it's like underground and cheeky but everyone's fucking there like oh this is this hip new bar but it's like oh it's like it looks like a chili's on a fucking sunday afternoon what is a cheeky bar i don't know it's one described as you throw it out so many words it don't think it all works it's one where you need like a fucking password to get in and they think they're cool it's like oh no you just look on fucking yelp and they're like just say the word tomato when you to get in and they think they're cool. It's like, oh, no, you just look on fucking Yelp and they're like, just say the word tomato when you can get in.

I feel like they're looking for the word speakeasy, my guy. Nah, cheeky's good too. Okay. So, yeah, I took a little special chocolate as well. Got the night going. It was great. We also played Battleship at a bar and absolutely dominated the people we were with. It was a group of four of us, so I dominated in Battleship.

But then Saturday came along, and we watched the Indiana Hoosiers absolutely dog walk the Purdue, those nerds up in West Lafayette. Fuck you, Purdue. Both the women's and the men's teams swept Purdue this year. So a bunch of fraud astronauts up there. Sorry about your emoji, but that's what Purdue claims is they have a bunch of astronauts who went up there sorry about your emoji but that's what purdue claims is they have a bunch of astronauts who went there it's like sick we went to the moon one time congrats um rox goes to the moon every weekend that's true yeah what the fuck um but

anyway so i invited some in order to try to curb my me going out i just decided to invite all my friends over and i realized oh i need to have like snacks and food for them so i bought doritos a 20 pack of gushers and 130 pizza rolls and then i baked the pizza rolls was put them in a giant silver bowl and let me tell you what a underrated snack to have it's like you just treat them like their chex mix or pot or like or like chips or something and you just put them in the middle and you uh they were kind of picking at them and it actually like we think we ate almost all of them there were like eight left over on my counter when i eventually got back home and i slammed they were kind of picking at them. We think we ate almost all of them. There were like eight left over on my counter

when I eventually got back home, and I slammed those down. Let me tell you, a nice little treat to come back to some cold pizza rolls in a bowl. I was going to say, 130. The first 10 are hot. The last 120 are going to be cold. But see, then you can power them.

Then you can go two or three at a time, and you can kind of gum them down. You don't have to worry about the steam factor. Okay, so kind of a vulture kind of deal you could take your dentures out and then 100% go for it 100% and we also drank butthole type consistency correct we also probably drank between the six of us i think we drank probably like you know like 50 40 to 50 coors lights and then we decided um this is where my emoji comes in we We went to the diviest dive bar, shout out Parrots. We went to that and played darts

and then just ripping darts and pictures of Coors Light. And I was ripping touch tunes too, making some deposits. Vibes were high. Didn't leave. It was the best. It was an all-time day.

Yeah. And that's why any bar with a dartboard and a pool table and like a creaky floor and but no chairs and no scarves no no velvet no velvet couches and no candles on the middle of the table that's how i know you're too fancy for me um what about what if it was a fake candle where it's like electronic? Still too much effort, but we're getting there. We're getting closer. It's more towards my spectrum.

What if the candle is on the pool table? I feel like that's not a pool table then. I feel like it has a hazard, like a Mario Kart hazard, where you have to kind of work around it. Yeah. Spice it up. Is it scented? Yeah, but it smells like a butthole. Now, if it now if it's scented it's again too much work into it it just has to be a non-scented candle i feel like this the scent puts it over the top what if it's a candle but instead of having a wick down the center it's

just a cigarette so you just light the cigarette and that's the scent and it just slowly burns down i mean that would give another like terminology to like throwing darts too. Like you could like just like ripping darts. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I would be down. I think we could sell those. Yeah. No, I'd be down. I'd also just rip in the rip in the vape pen while I was in this bar. So that kind of added to it like the like

like nicotine pouches and hitting the vape pen buddy was I was I was on I was on cloud 16. Yikes. So Sunday, worked out my hangover. I ate a lot of deli meat and cheese because I was trying to do like not eat a lot of carbs. So I ate that. And yeah, and Patrick King got traded today.

And I'm very sad. Fuck New York. Fuck the Rangers. That trash loser, unserious organization. But take care of him. I hope he scores all the points but they still lose in the cup finals or in the first round in the first round brian how was your week good i've done nothing all right but i have like one or two

two things one tv recommendation there's a show called shrinking as jason siegel from how i met your mother and then harrison ford and they're like therapists but like they're like bad at their job great show it's by the director of scrubs and ted lasso so like of course everyone watch it two has anyone ever gotten a message on linkedin from like a random like recruiter or manufacturing person on valentine's day and said like hey happy valentine's day a bunch of work stuff is that weird no i mean it's weird but it's not uncommon like i've gotten i've gotten similar yeah you they ask you the follow-ups and some of these recruiters do they're just like oh i'm sorry if i offended you i just really want to talk to you i'm like dude

like this is linkedin like they're trying to smack god damn i mean i'm not above it i've used linkedin for for hinge verification before just to make sure like i'm not like that's verifying dude if you're if you're hitting someone up on linkedin on valentine's day that is lonely as fuck like and like no shade if y'all have ever done that any of our sloppy joes or janes but holy fuck like no actually big shade if you've done that i don't i want you to listen to it anymore

i if it works though i kind of respect it because that's such a hail mary like i don't know a longer shot you could have done venmo no because that they're just paying for it yeah true this was like a job application for it that's fair either way i blocked that lady she messaged me way too much and the valentine's day was just you know like yeah yeah uh so my emoji for the week was the it's just a gray square with a white circle

in it because i there's the most nothing emoji i could possibly find uh it was great did that because it makes sense i was like this is like this means nothing to me when you said it was like just like brian's weekend means nothing yeah it was great i sent it. Just like Brian's weekend. It means nothing. Yeah. It was great. I've done so much the last month. I wanted to do nothing. And I did nothing.

And I feel accomplished for doing nothing. I feel like we got a lot of good upcoming weekends, though. I'm going to Austin for a basher party. We got the guys being... What are you doing, Brian? Are you going for that or no? Where? The guys being... Austin?

Why? No. Why ever dudes weekend this weekend yeah oh i mean i could look at flights probably not but like this man just said how excited he was to do nothing and you guys are like you know what you should do fly across the fucking country just fucking do it i hate you also like but we also have so many good weekends coming up yeah what are you doing? I was like, well, I don't have that many weekends. Just outing him.

Speak for yourself, man. We have so many fun weekends coming up, right, Burn? I do have three concerts next week. And by next week, I mean like this week. This week? So, yeah. What? Not to be confused by this week.

Why? Okay, hold on. What? Not to be confused by this. Why? Okay, hold on. Why? How is it this week and you're going to say next week? Because we're talking about the previous week, so then we're talking about the week after that. I was saying the next week after the one we were talking about. Why are you trying to hurt my fucking head?

Jesus Christ. It wasn't on purpose. I hated it. All right, boys. Want to get into these call ins yeah I haven't heard four

why are people calling in so much what did we talk about are they all about last week I forgot what we talked about last week I've only listened to a couple of them so you didn't vet these well no I want to be surprised at the one well no because i want to be surprised at the same time i don't i don't want to be surprised it's your job as a producer you have

to vet these no i'm trying to enjoy this too all right let's go what up nerds it's denise here with the first installment of denise's crack Corner. Not that anyone asked, but I have to share this. And let's face it, you guys are short on content anyway, so you're welcome. A little backstory. I got a notification that I had a package, but I didn't order anything like in my apartment building. So I went down and had a little gift waiting for me. And it was not one, not two, but six boxes of chicken and a biscuit crackers sent to me by Brian. And not just the regular box. He splurged for six family-sized boxes of these honky-tonk crackers.

So I'm going to do a taste test live on air. And also, half of the boxes had holes in them. So if I'm poisoned, the blood is on your hands, rye guy. So we're going to start out. Initially, the box is fine. I will point out that it says on the side that it contains a bioengineered food ingredient. So that's fun. Maybe I'll grow a limb or something.

And it's also marketed as cheese in a can's favorite cracker. That's, you know, I'm not a big cheese in a can's favorite cracker that's you know i'm not a big cheese in the cheese in a can kind of gal but i mean if you're into that maybe this is the cracker for you um so i'm gonna open it eat into the ASMR like dog food too should be called kibble and biscuit um let's take one out they're like dusty yeah it's a flavor coating on the crackers there is drugs in here it's the chicken that could be fun let's take a bite a little asmr for you um they're really soft there's no real like cracker crunch we heard it we heard and i just feel like it's doing too much

like it's somehow how did you taste what does this taste like it's just so so quick it's like the aftertaste of thanksgiving dinner like not when you're sitting at the table you're like wow this food is delicious but like a few minutes have passed you're watching football and it's like lingering on your tongue i hate hate this. It sounds delicious. She describes something that sounds good. So I'm going to give it a ranking that no one asked for. It's like a five and a half out of ten. Okay.

Like I'd eat them in a pinch, but they're not going to be my first choice. So send me more crackers. That's all I got. Ciao. One did not know they were family sized. I knew it was six. I just love. it was like the only size i could get one of my favorite aspects of burn is this guy doesn't spend money on fucking

anything this guy doesn't buy shit and he's like himself like something to make his life better i'm gonna ship six fucking boxes of this fucking cracker to god damn denise like jesus christ man also i i don't think we can call it i mean we're all white but cracker corner sounds racist like i don't know if we can do that oh it's tough yeah i don't know i don't yeah i wasn't we're gonna need a workshop that yeah we'll be we'll be in talks we can uh we can ask victor on if we can use that or not because uh he's a little bit more melanin than we do and he listens so send me a message on instagram i think we should just take some feelers out yeah yeah i don't like it we're reaching out reaching to Victor to see if it's cool

if us white guys say cracker. No, if she says cracker corner. Yeah, we're going to put this on Denise. I think we have to at this point. She named it herself. Was it chicken biscuit crackers? Is that what they're called?

Chicken in a biscuit. Gotcha, okay. It's biscuit spelled B-I-S-K-I-T. Chicken thick skits. chicken and a biscuit gotcha okay but it is biscuits spelled b-i-s-k-i-t chicken thick skits like limb biscuit yeah yeah keep rolling rolling rolling

I'm gonna keep a rolling list of all her rankings and I'm gonna keep sending her crackers but I need to find the the weirdest ones i could possibly those crackers were literally sponsored by limp biscuit and like each fucking cracker had like fred durst little like goatee like soul patch on it they make fucking millions burn add that to the list dude i'm yeah i'm reaching out to fred durst for me dude not to turn this into a cracker conversation well that's that's not a bad tune. Never mind.

It already is. Yeah, no. Well, you know what I mean. I think Ritz crackers are the S tier cracker. Oh, Denise is going to love you a little bit too much for saying that. Or the Toll House. The club soda ones?

The club? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if they're club soda. They're just soda crackers. Not club soda crackers They're soda crackers, not club soda crackers. Fizzy crackers. They're great. I'd say those are one and two for me personally. I don't think there's any good flavored cracker. Cheez-It?

No, Cheez-It stink, dude. Cheez-Its and Nibs are bad. They're both bad. How do you hate Cheez-Its? They're so bad. Cheez-Its are so good. They taste sour. What the fuck is wrong with you? It tastes sour. It's like weird vinegary sour. That you hate cheez-its they're so bad he says they're so they taste sour the fuck is wrong it tastes sour it's like weird vinegary sour it's my guy that is not a cheez-it yeah it's a sour goldfish aren't crack you're not just drinking cracker vinegar no they're

called goldfish crackers all right well if goldfish are recounting flavor blasted those are obviously number one but i was just thinking like yeah i was in crackers where you could put stuff on it to qualify. Flavor Blasted have a lot of dust on the outside of those, so I don't know. If we're talking about just like a plain, like non-crazy flavored cracker, I think Ritz is number one. Great. I think Ritz is. I could only name Ritz and the Toll House ones.

That's about all I could do. Oh, no. Toll House and then the Club one. Is that Toll House? Yeah, that's Toll House, I think. Or K I can do. Oh, no. Toll House and then the club one. Is that Toll House? Yeah, that's Toll House, I think. Or Keebler? No, I think Keebler. I don't know.

Or do the Keebler elves live in a Toll House house? Treehouse? I think they're the same, but I need to verify it. It's like the landlord situation. Yeah. I can see the box. It's a green box. There's a little bit of red.

I think it's red lettering or yellow lettering, maybe. Yellow, yeah, yeah. There's definitely some yellow in there yeah those are good the kepler elves are so small how come all the cookies they make aren't like tiny it's like they're elves because they know they're they're targeted they they do market research the market research they'll sell to elves they sell to humans you know i don't know yeah toll house and keebler are different okay it says google well which one is did you not look up the one word never mind thanks brian sorry well one thing at a time i'm back i'll figure out green cracker box we'll see what comes up oh it's keebler okay they're literally just literally just called club yeah they are called club those things smack those are smack slap no all of it the uh the the ritz ones are just a little more buttery like i

feel like i can see the butter in a ritz cracker yeah can i offer an f to your cracker yes sure yes you may triscuit correct oh yeah yeah that is the correct you know what's it did you want a cracker with pulp in it guess who loves it guess who loves triscuits oh no you no oh jeff but he also loves pulp some pulp in his oj so like all like yeah all people that age old dudes are like yeah i love every kind of cracker you know what i mean mean? I like chewing my liquid. You know what's an elite cracker? Maybe probably not S-tier. Oyster crackers. Those are good. I can eat them like chips.

If you sprinkle, you can sprinkle a little like seasoning on them. You can like bake them in the oven and like put like butter and stuff and bake them or grate in soup

or you can put hot sauce on them too. But like, then you could do that to any of the other crackers and they'd be just as good. But it's like the bite-sized nuggets that somehow you could pop way more of them in your mouth.

They're more like chips. I'll give you the size, but everything else, I'm out. Would you put croutons in the category of crackers? Ooh, that's a good question. I don't think so. They're bread. Yeah, they're bread. They are bread.

Yeah. Are they just a separate category though, Ben? I got another curveball for usball have you guys ever just hold on have you guys ever eaten croutons just out of the bag like not oh yeah oh pretty sure we talked about the texas toast cheesy garlic croutons fuck me up daddy yo what i can like be sort of a pervert like if i really bang yes with saltines like i fuck with saltine crack saltine smack peanut butter on them too saltine sandwich peanut butter thank you or both big perverts yeah i think the soda crackers are just a slightly elevated

like they're the rich people saltines what's a soda cracker are you talking about the club thing again yeah i was just saying soda crackers soda crackers are a thing i'm like i'm pretty sure soda crackers are a thing i'm not crazy what do you guys call it on pop don't you so like sure pop your opinion doesn't matter oh no soda crackers are big bad they're like they're like they're it's like matzah not to offend any of our jewish listeners but matzah matzah f tier cracker wow we're offending a lot of groups of people today this is a rough one thoughts on including graham to the cracker list i don't know if you can because it's more it's in the name it is a graham cracker i mean like

i love graham crackers i do too so okay hold on though could do would you so the connection because I think graham cracker teddy graham so do you think teddy graham's a cracker is it no it's not teddy graham's are those are cookies no they're not cookies I'll fight to the death they're not cookies

what do you consider them I think they're more cracker than cookie they are not crackers dude but just the square graham cracker yeah just think they're more cracker than cookie. They are not crackers, dude. But just the square... Graham Cracker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a cracker. I guess, yeah.

I guess we can... I guess we can look at it. I just wonder... If we're going to say Graham Cracker, the name is not a cracker, that's going to be a tough sell. Oh, wait. Hold on.

Teddy Graham went through a rebrand, and I do not like this new mascot bear that they got on the front. He looks... He is not... Not my Teddy Grahams. Hashtag not my Teddy teddy grams hashtag not my teddy cookie is it a collab with sharman is he pooping no but i'm also realizing that one of the teddy bears is like is like clutching his like looks like he has to pee and he's kind of like the actual shape of the actual teddy bears they have two yeah one looks like what is it what does he mean to do he's it's the peepee cookie is it

now i need to look up i'm furiously looking up these teddy gram shapes yeah the honey teddy grams are the oh yeah honey teddy grams are the best then cinnamon then chocolate i do more googling when i'm on this podcast for an hour. This one hour, I do more Googling than I Google the rest of the entire week. It says Teddy Graham are bear-shaped graham cracker snacks created by Nabizzi. They're like Scooby snacks. But it was a graham cracker snack. The last word is snack, not cracker. Crackers are snacks.

Crackers are snacks. You can call are snacks crackers are snacks you can call them gram you can call them just cracker snacks you call them hors d'oeuvres you're looking like a cracker snack right now um so do you want to go to the next call-in yeah i was gonna say we gotta stop talking about fucking crackers man all right here we go christ hey guys the midwestern milkman here calling in sorry i can't be on the pod this week had a nasty hemorrhoid flare up you know how it is if you have any advice on how to get rid of this thing let me know this is an ai this is an eat my ass this is an ai bot this is such an ai bot no zach definitely took some ambien and just like called us in the middle of the night. Zach was 75

fucking grams of melatonin mixed with fucking AI bot. I don't even know where to go to look for our phone number. Five Red Bull vodkas deep. I don't even know where to look for our phone number. I thought for sure it was going to be a drunk phone call from Zach for a second. That was going to be really happy.

I just wanted you to be more confused for more than half a second i know my own voice that's fair maybe i should have done it when you weren't here so then rooks and cory could have been more confused good try totally not ai though if zach wasn't here i would have been like what the fuck i was like this man was wasted oh well we have another one from zach though so okay here we go hey guys the swedish chef here calling in again one quick question for you what do you think the chances are that the chicago bears trade for the best qb in the league aaron rogers i think he has some great views on vaccines

and those luscious locks are just beautiful if i could let one man in the world ride me it would be mr aaron rogers let me know your thoughts, thanks. Go back. The weird pauses are so bad. It's disgusting. It obviously gives it away, but it just makes it way more uncomfortable, the weird pauses. I'll say the first time, when you did the first playthrough, I was like, wait. And it took me a second to process, and then Zach was like, deny, deny. I was like, okay, this is AI shit.

Then this one, I really listened to it then Zach was like, okay, this is AI shit. Then this one, I really listened to it and I was like, that is horrifying. Just like the awkward pauses and all that shit and then just how proper English it all is. Hated that. But Zach, you talk relatively monotone anyway

so it's pretty close. It's not bad. It's close for sure. It it's really close so we got a third one what do you think that the bears will do so you can't change the inflection every time you click like generate it just randomizes all of that so like okay all right another one from zach hey guys zaddy here one last thing i am thinking of going vegan just way too much cheese in my life i think maybe the cause of that hemorrhoid we were talking about earlier i can't wait to change my weekly cereal instagram post into a weekly salad post new year

new me you know anyways one love rev run what the fuck did you tell me one love reference you bitch this is what Zach says all the time right man what a great callback to the headlines though honestly Zach's a funny guy I know so I know this wasn't real but I would love the thought of just Zach being bored like three

times throughout the week and it's like sending these all in letting them fly you can call it the cracker corner oh all right you want a commercial break sure sure as all our listeners know we would never endorse a company on our podcast without extensive supposed to be core if you can't tell that is why i was excited to bring on our latest sponsor biggums adult diapers due to rux's frequent use of the product. It's supposed to be core, if you can't tell. That is why I was excited to bring on our latest sponsor, Biggums Adult Diapers, due to Rux's frequent use of their product. Going back to our

days at PSU, he always struggled with his lactose intolerance. It was impossible for him to turn down the Penn State Creamery ice cream, but anytime there was a whiteout for a big game, he was either in the bathroom for half the game, or opting for his nice brown sweatpants. Once he discovered Biggums, he never missed a down of football or a scoop of ice cream again use offer

code skid marks at checkout to get 10 off your first purchase thanks biggums rux's butthole thanks you that i don't think that one sounds like cory i don't not at all like it had like a little like lisp and shit like i did not think that sounded like cory that's why zax i thought was like it's still like awkward pauses but zax was like really close and then i did cory's and and then for court like also this is such a like specific thing that i heard but in cory's voice it's saying rucks instead of Rooks. I was like, oh, God. I was like, that's not Cory. Like, I don't know.

It gave me the heebie-jeebies. I could have spelled it differently for it to do that, but, like, it was bad enough that I didn't think I needed to, like, try. Huh? I said, huh? All right. It's Brian. You want some poetry from Cory again?

Sure. Yelling, angry, waving my hands a lot specific point of view on things cynthia sin the uh jesus died for our cithias jesus cried runaway bride julie robert julia rob hurt cithia cynthia you're dead you are dead beep beep you are dead that's fucking awesome that's so fucking good. That one sounds better, but there's a little lisp to it that's throwing me. But that's mad fucking funny.

That's so good. Oh my God. I did Rooks' too, but you talk so wildly that it's not close at all. Oh, I want to hear it though. It's the same commercial that cory did so bear with me but here we go as all our listeners know we would never endorse a company on

our podcast without extensive use of the product that is why i was excited to bring on our latest sponsor biggums adult diapers due to my frequent use of their product. Going back to my days at PSU, I always... How the fuck does it make me sound like Patrick Mahomes, man? I know. It sounds like a Morty. I think that sounded more like Rooks than Corey sounded like his. Really? Yeah.

I don't think it was that bad. It just gave me a little too much... It gave me too much Patrick Mahomes, I'm Kermit the Frog bullshit. Well, because there's a slider for monotone versus variety. And if you go really monotone, you just don't speak like that, so it sounds

like a robot. And if you go really wild, it sounds like Rick and Morty. And it's like really, really bad. So I'd do it like halfway between to get anywhere close. Can you do that option right now? Do you have that ability? If i want to end for a minute i want as wild as possible all right well talk amongst yourselves and i'll try to get it pulled up no that means you have to talk wait what no

like what if i don't want to you know what i'm saying all right do you want it's gonna be the um the third zach call-in but it's gonna be your voice perfect okay that's my favorite one and it might take a couple

seconds to actually load is this just a website hey guys i did zaddy here one last thing i am thinking of going vegan just way too much cheese in my life i think maybe the cause of that hemorrhoid we were talking about earlier i can't wait to change my weekly cereal instagram post into a weekly salad post new year year, new me. You know, anyways, one love, Rev Run. Just the fucking, like you said, the inflection is just in the most random spots. So weird. And then, when they were like, all these little like, mmm, like all these little just like,

mmm, it's like in between words, like what the fuck was that? It like breathes in randomly too i hated that so much i did one before if you put a bunch of exclamation mark marks it makes it sort of like yell but if you do too many it yells and then it just goes afterwards it's so weird all right you want cory's voice in like super. Yeah. Now I want to hear all of them like stupid. Okay. We'll see if this.

Yeah. Just like a bunch of our recordings, like a bunch like. Yeah. You should have to submit like five minutes of audio and I have like 95 hours. The thing that sucks, though, on the website, it's like anything over five minutes isn't really going to help. I was like, man, I wish I could have sent you hours and it would have just been perfect.

But all right, let's see. Let's see, Corey. Brooks was usually the weirdest one. Hey, guys. Zaddy here. One last thing. I'm thinking of going vegan. Just way too much cheese in my life.

I think maybe the cause of that hemorrhoid we were talking about earlier. I can't wait to change my weekly cereal Instagram post into a weekly salad post. New year, new me. You know, anyways, one love Rev Run. I hate the little, like, what is that? What is that? I don't know. Well, so, you know, I'm going to change my Instagram.

I was like, what the fuck is that? I love the speed up at the end for both of them. It's just like, peace out. It makes no sense. And I love it so much, though. All right. We're going to have to do, we'll do two more just dumb ones because we obviously we can do zach that's like not super monotone all his i put like really monotone because it like kind

of made sense so we'll see give it uh five seconds one two three hey guys zaddy here one last thing i am thinking of going vegan just way too much uh cheese in my life i think maybe the cause of that that hemorrhoid we were talking about earlier i can't wait to change my weekly cereal instagram post into a weekly salad post new year new me you know anyways one love rev run just that accident at the end. When he said life, he said that shit like Borat. He was like, my life. What the fuck? He sounded like Christopher Walken

because he just enunciates the weirdest parts of words for some reason. It's so random. That's the thing. Just the parts that they emphasize are so fucking random. I know that's the gist of it but like did you say the gist yeah i said the gist of it i don't know man clap at you psychopath i don't know dude we'll review it on tape next week don't

worry yeah all right you want to hear my voice yes 100 i was gonna say i swear to god if you didn't do you i had to do mine it. It wasn't good, but I'll do it on the weird settings. Yeah, sure, it wasn't good. Oh, is this the AI talking already? Hey, guys. Oh, that's the wrong button. No, it's that. It sounds like Zach. Yeah, Zach's like, please, God. Hey, guys. Zaddy here.

One last thing. I am thinking of going vegan. Just way too much cheese in my life. I think maybe the cause of that uh hemorrhoid we were talking about earlier i can't wait to change my weekly cereal instagram post into a weekly salad post new year new me yeah no anyways one love rev run okay so many fucking things to analyze there why are you british you sounded so british it was the weirdest thing like every nationality ever voice did not sound like you at all

also sounded out of breath in the middle at one point what audio do you did you send that thing it's normal. So this is on the weird settings, remember? So if I put it on normal, it'll sound normal. Can I get one more of you on the weird settings, please? Oh my god. Do you want... What audio? What words do you want?

Dealer's choice, man. I don't care. That was ridiculous. What's like a speech from a movie? Famous... Oh. You can do the miracle speech no no no no no um what is it do the start of the b movie um is it a speech yeah oh my gosh you guys come on

according to all known laws of aviation there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. Come on. It's a he- I got it. It gets the people going. Do you want me to throw in a bunch of exclamation points

to make it a little bit strange? Make it just as ridiculous as you can. I hope he just sounds like Jerry Seinfeld. I like the- Can you do questions? I like the- You you do question marks too? The bug's life speech that Hopper gives to the rest of the grasshoppers.

I can do that one. You're gonna do... No, no, no. I'm saying I could. I could do that one. I mean, we got it up next. Don't worry. Here's me doing the b movie according to all known laws of aviation there is no way a bee should be able to fly its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the the ground

flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible what the fuck was that in the middle you've been in the fuck it was terrifying there's like seven question marks there that's what that gasm yeah oh my god man just loves bees alright what was it a bugs life speech yeah it's the speech that hopper gives when they're about to fly out and he rips out their food

storage and then he crawls up and he's like you let one ant stand up and they all might stand up it's just one ant those puny little ants outnumber us One ant stand up and they all might stand up. It's just one ant. Those puny little ants outnumber us 101. And if they ever figure that out, there goes our way of life.

It's not about you. It's about keeping those ants in line. It's going to sound just like that. It's a little bit longer. Guys, order another round because we're staying here. What was I thinking going back to Ant Island? I mean, we just got here and we've got more than enough food to last us through the winter, right? It's a long speech. But there was that ant that stood up to me.

Yeah, you're right. It's just one ant. Hmm, puny. Hey, let's say that this grain is a puny little ant. Did that hurt? hurt well how about this how about this you let one ant stand up to us and they all might stand up those puny little ants outnumber us 100 to 1 and if they ever figure that out there goes our way of life it's not about food it's about keeping those ants in line.

That's why we're going back here. Does anybody else want to stay? There's a Transformers noise in the middle of that. Dude. The cough at the end? The fucking, the orgasm mid-speech every time. It's the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. Oh my fucking god.

So, next week, if we want to do some of the guests who have been on the podcast, call them in and play it for them for them to hear what they sound like. 100%.

Lock it up. Alright, Zach. What's the song of the week? 100% lock it up alright Zach what's the song of the week you have a little bit more time this week to figure it out oh yeah the song of the week is Coding Dreamin' by

Kodak Black featuring Lil Wayne yeah Yeah. Bye.