I've Had It - A Manscaping Metrosexual with Josh Welch

Episode Date: September 7, 2023

When you think about trying manscaping for the first time, where’s the first place you go? Obviously Best Buy. Jennifer and Pumps have the famous Josh Welch back in the hot seat to talk about all the things he’s had it with - From take-out order tomfoolery to bad group chat ettiquete. Josh also finally opens about the Italy “Speedogate” incident and how it led him to a very “ballsy” conversation with a Best Buy employee. Come see I've Had It live on the Hot Sh*t Tour! More info & tickets available at https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Thank you to our sponsors: BetterHelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/HADIT today and get 10% off your first month. RocketMoney: Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions – and manage your money the easy way – by going to RocketMoney.com/HADIT JustThrive: Get 20% off your first 90-day bottle of Just Calm and Just Thrive Probiotic today – Visit JustThriveHealth.com and use promo code: HADIT Liquid Death: I’ve Had it Podcast listeners get 20% off their first Liquid Death apparel purchase available exclusively at LiquidDeath.com/HADIT. Exclusions may apply. Shopify: Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at Shopify.com/hadit SimpliSafe: Listeners get a special 20% off any SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring. This huge offer is for a limited time only. Visit SimpliSafe.com/HADIT That’s SimpliSafe.com/HADIT. There’s no safe like SimpliSafe. Draft Kings: Download the DraftKings Casino app NOW, sign up with promo code HADIT, and new customers get a deposit match up to ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS in casino credits when you deposit $5 or more! Only on DraftKings Casino with promo code HADIT. Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest Zachariah Porter: @zachariah

So we're supposed to start the podcast. Ready, one, two, three. Ah! I'm killing it. Listener, it's unbelievable how good at podcasting we are. Yes. And it's unbelievable. We're just going to ride out of the gate, so welcome you to I've had it.

The most positive podcast on the worldwide web. Yes. Right, pumps. No rage, just inspiration and toxic positivity. Journeys and manifestations. All of them. Ms. Jennifer.

I'm Angie. She's the star of our show, the single sensation and podcasting Princess Diana herself. And today we have back by popular demand. Popular, popular domain. My husband, Josh Welch. Hello, ladies. Hi, Josh. What a welcome treat to be back on the podcast. What about our new setup? See, we have a two person setup. And then now this is our three person setup. Feels a little bit more natural. Yeah, it feels like this is kind of a big deal. I mean, lots of things have happened since I was last year.

I think probably all the things have happened because you were last year. Well, that's what I didn't want to take for credit. But if you look at the comments, people do want me back. You know what's interesting? While we were on the first leg of our hot shit tour, right? Pumps and I shared a hotel room and we would go back and we would FaceTime Josh and he was so sweet and he was so interested and he would send us the sweet messages. Remember your little friendship when you know what's in on the porch and smoke cigarettes That's all you have to do on stage our biggest cheerleader

Before the show we get back to the room with FaceTime Josh and we tell him how great it was and how you know what an out-of-body experience it was. And then he would ask pumps and me, did anybody ask about me? And I would say, no, I didn't hear anybody say, how's Josh pumps? Did you? I did not. I heard lots of Kylie and lots of Kylie. I didn't hear anybody asked. And I knew immediately that that was bullshit. We were lying. Yeah. So I all you have to do is see the episodes I'm on. Read the comments and you can tell that I'm a huge part of this podcast. And it's success. Absolutely. Well, as tell our listener what you said recently to my friend Liz, that the whole reason I even have a podcast and how you'd like to thank yourself for that.

Well, there was a friend of Jennifer's that we were talking to recently and, you know, this I've had it craze or demand by the public that's out there would not exist without some fuck up providing the content for this for like 20 25 years when I say fuck up that's tongue in cheek but years of struggling with addiction lose your bar license all all the awful, horrible things that can happen to a person have somehow miraculously all happened to me. And so Jennifer has had to encounter all of these things

and in the course of encountering these hardships. I want to change encountering to endure. Endure. I think that's better. Yeah. So in the course of enduring these hardships, she has all of these stories, all of this content. But that's limitless.

And like cynicism, unbridled cynicism. And unbridled cynicism. And I do say this sometimes, I was like, I would like to come on the show one time when it's not mentioned that I've been to rehab five times. I mean, don't come back if it's been six. That's when we hear five family weeks. I mean, let's just get an intro one time.

Maybe just let's just slip that into the radar. Welcome to I've had it our guest today. My husband Josh Welch five time back to back champ at drug and alcohol rehabilitation. It's Arizona, Georgia or California. You name it. List, right? I've got you covered.

You could do like an Instagram review, like a Yelp Instagram reviewing rehab. We could have call in. If you have family members that are wanting to go to treatment, let me give you some ideas about all the different places I've been. I will say when you were saying that there's a lot of truth to that because obviously your behavior was deplorable. My ex-examines behavior was deplorable. And Jennifer and I, that's where we got the foundation of our friendship because it was like she would pick me up off the ground and carry me one day. I'd pick up her off the ground and carry her one day. So it's like that's where our friendship. Listen, listen, or this is called a trauma bond.

That's what you think. And a trauma bond from that. And one great thing going through all that is A, we had each other. And B, I think a lot of the times we would laugh about it, like how the fuck did this happen? Well, there's nothing else you can do at certain times is laugh. Otherwise, you're going to. Yeah, it's so bad. But here's the thing. And a lot of people say this, like the, and this is, I think everybody will agree with this about addicts. And if you get to the other side of it, if you can somehow manage to get sober or endure all of the bullshit, you know, everybody's mad at you, you're broke, all that stuff. If you can get to the other side of it, you come out a much richer, a much better person.

You also get better haircuts. You get better haircuts, but and you get you have better relationships you have better and so you can look back and you can laugh at some of it because it's like super super pain. Right. Right. Any listener, everybody's lives have pretty much been touched by addiction. Josh and I are just vocal about it and we want to normalize it. It is a disease that affects almost every family. But when Pum says that we were trauma bonding, there were moments where we laughed because we used that as medicine to help get us through it because sometimes you're taking something so seriously and it is serious.

Right. And you have to take a step back and like have some gratitude in the moment that I do have a friend here who's listening to me and she's laughing with me and she's crying with me and vice versa. And when I would go to these, you know, five, one, two, three, four, five family weeks, Josh and I would have moments of levity where we would laugh and cry. And that's just a part of the human experience. But listen, listen, that's another episode on a different podcast about self-help. Today's episode, and our podcast is about things

that we've had it with. So I would like to ask our guest, Josh, what have you had it with? Well, let me first just back up to what you said. I think that this podcast up to this point has been way too informative and educational. So it's time we've got to get this thing back down and not, right? With some good I've had it. So, you know, I've got a multitude of things that I've had it with.

What's here? Um, so I've had it with when you order for about seven or eight people and at a restaurant. At a restaurant. And it could be to go, it could be over the phone. And you know, there's some pretty nuanced orders like some person may want a certain sauce with their side of pizza, the other person may want the pizza cooked well done. There's all these things that variations for the order. And so after I order, the other person that is taking the order normally responds back, would you like me to read that back to you? And I've started this new philosophy where I've said no.

I don't want you to read this back to me and furthermore, I'm gonna assume anything that's wrong with this order is my fault, not yours. And I tried that yesterday. And I tried that yesterday at the speech of place and the girl looked at me and literally just broke out busted out laughing. It's like, who in the fuck is this guy? What the fuck is wrong with him? But I said, no, you're off the hook completely. So if I get home and I'm three slices short, this is on me. But I can't go back and listen to need a side of ranch with that.

I need this cooked extra well. This person gets a doctor pepper. We need a salad with extra chicken, we need extra venequer. I can't go back and do all that stuff. Right. Doing it once was enough for you. Yeah. So I think that's a good philosophy.

You can say you don't have to read it back and I assume responsibility for all the fuck ups on the order, whether it's your writing it down or the kitchen messing it up. I'm not sending jackship back. You're not getting a complaint. I'm not getting on a yell preview. 100% and I could see that when I told her that number once she was relieved, like she started buzzing out, like, I have to and she was like, really? So it doesn't matter. Like because it was a $74 order at a pizza place for nine people Right, right. It was it's hefty. It was gonna take six to seven minutes just to get the read back with all the

Sides and what people wanted so there's just I would rather be two to three slices short of the order Then endure the seven minutes of read back. I agree See, I'm thinking about it because What I find so frustrating is when I go to great pains to order exactly like it's supposed to be. And then they repeat it back and it's like, what the fuck? That's not even what I said. No, this is what I said. And then I have to have the read back one at a time. But on the other hand, I think I'd be so mad that they fucked it up. And then I've already seemed responsibility

You know, there's that little bit aside of me that would want to send it back There's that Karen there's that flirtation with Karen is a little just keeps popping up Yeah, no, I mean because I am the first one to send an order back first one I do it for my friends if they don't if something's wrong with their order and they're, they want to go. We've been trying to talk about this. First step is maybe start faking it till you make it. Maybe quit. I do it so sweet. Quit saying out loud on the worldwide web on YouTube on our podcast app that you're the first problem at a restaurant. I'm not the first problem at a restaurant, but I do respond appropriately to an issue with

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And I've had it podcast listeners get 20% off their first liquid death apparel purchase available exclusively at liquid death dot com slash had it exclusions may apply that's liquid death dot com slash had it. Okay, pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with and I mean, I have just fucking had it. I want to say up front, I'm an offender. I'm an offender and I've had it. Okay. I've had it with group texts. Yesterday I was getting my lashes done, which is an hour deal.

And so I put my headphones in, I just chill. And my group texts, I had three group texts in that span. What makes me crazy about it, I like the efficiency. But when everybody makes a response, and the responses are like, they do that blight where they just do the like button and all that. And I'm like, can't you just fucking assume that everybody got it because it says delivered? Here's a prime example. Someone says something. All the other people respond maybe just a K like K.

K K K. Well, then people come in and start hardening the K. Yes. And that point, you've said fucking nothing. Nothing. That there's been a K and a hearted K and it lights up like if you got 10 to 12 people in the group, it is a circle jerk of likes, circle jerk, a particular likes. Yes.

I've noticed that too. There's just way too many like options. Way too many interactions. Right. I got out of a pickleball match the other day. And I went to my phone and I had 56 text messages in an hour and a half. About 70% of those were related to two different group texts, all of which is information I didn't need.

Right. Nor enhanced my life. Right. Nor was funny or interesting, but it was a bunch of that circle jerk of emojis with liking things and check this out and check that out. The memo needs to be sent right here from this podcast to the world, pump the brakes on all that shit with group text. Right. Everybody's into it. Not everybody wants 37. I mean, I had with group text. Not everybody's into it. Not everybody wants 37.

I mean, I had three group texts. Everybody responded. So I think I had 66 text messages. Are you fucking kidding me? Are they seeing the nuclear codes? It's seventh grade communication on yourself. Yeah, it is. It's like Josh likes this.

Right. Jennifer likes this. What they've done is that used to be, you know, 10, 15 years ago, that was your Facebook notification. Jennifer likes, you know, this is how Josh likes that post. And now that's been transferred over to the phone. And it's like a group text is almost like you get social media style alerts. Right. And I've had the group text. But I want to take it back to the days where someone could just send you a text.

It was informative. You could read it, and it wasn't incumbent upon you to like it. It's like they've changed this social contract. Yeah, the lot. Because now, thought of as putting the stamp on it. Right, I agree. I got it, and I see it. I'm going to do it. It's like you have to send back receipt.

I think that's bullshit. I think we need a new emoji that would that tells the other person that hey listen I want to stop communicating like this like maybe the bird That would be like listen, I want us to stop doing this like I'm against all I wish that like when it went Then there was an option where you could just put like a blank line meaning like I want to opt out Yeah, something, something. I can do that. But then it's like, then you,

Jennifer Welch has left the group. Right, sometimes I do it and I like it. I want everybody to know. I agree with that. Yeah, I agree with that. I've had, one time I had a deal where I had like 117 texts while I was trying to work. And they were all stupid and I just put left the building.

Well, then everybody left the tech stream, left the planet, left the planet. And then they all text me on the side. Are you mad? I'm like, no, I just don't have fucking time. Well, you know, the worst is when it's like a 25, 30 person group and three or four people in the group, obviously had a situation happen and they want to share about it. Right. And they go back and forth for ever. Other 20 people in the group have nothing to do with the conversation. This is the takeaway listener. If you're in a group text and you find that only two of you are communicating,

take that conversation out of the group text and quit torturing everybody. Yes. And move it to your own one-on-one communication. Nobody needs to see this. This is in the same family of the grandstanders, at power moms that click reply all, I'll bring the cookies. Right, when they can just tell the host

for these 18 year old adults, basketball, Gatorade, and it's like they need to go get their own freaking gate. And I think that we need to make a pledge here too that we're gonna not use the like button anymore. I agree. Let me tell you all what I've had it with. Okay.

I have had it with people on social media that see little clips of us that literally take us seriously. Hahaha. They think we're serious as like that like we're talking about the food allergies. And then we've had it with food allergies. We the overblown. We say, okay, gluten-free people, we know if you have celiac, you're excused from this. And so Kylie, you know, makes that inter-real and pops it up there. And then it's just, I have this health issue,

that health issue, that wasn't nice, this wasn't nice that y'all did this. Listen up, listener. We have a lot of shit that we have to get through. Everything, pretty much everything, 95% of everything that we say on this podcast were even not that serious about their minor irritations shared with each other. They get to have you all our friends. And the only thing that I will never take back and the hill that we will always die on. The only thing we're serious about is support for science, the LGBTQIA plus community, social justice causes.

We'll fucking die on that hill fucking rip us Everybody else that's getting butt hurt in the comment sections because we're upset about parking spaces fucking Ignorance. I mean, I can't believe that these people take us that seriously and then they start fighting with each other Yeah, well some people I think just get on the internet to fight. Well, I kind of enjoy that part of it. That's kind of the part you like. They're fighting. Yeah, why not? I mean, but now I agree 100%. It's like of all the things, and I think that's a prime example of people just, you know, reading so much stuff that you just get irritated about. I think it's better just not relevant to day to day living. Too much time on the internet to where, like whether we're doing it on the podcast or not,

I'm gonna call her or my husband and say, oh my God, I was trying to park in this fucking bitch. Stole my parking space, I was so mad. That is a normal reaction thing that happens. And what this podcast is, do we walk around in a rage all the time? Hell no. Never because we laugh at it, we move on,

and part of being a functioning adult is being able to get stuff off your chest. Because if you've ever flown through an airport and you have never been irritated with another human being, you are a level of sociopath that I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know you. I think that's possible.

If you've gone to the mall during peak holiday hours and people haven't irritated you, I don't know that we're ever going to be compatible. We're never going to see eye to eye. If you've been out to a restaurant that's completely packed and crowded and stuff gets messed up and you've never gotten mad about anything or we're just not compatible people. And if you just keep all of that bottled up then that fucking freaks me out. Right. That reminds me, I posted this quote from John Cougar Melanchamp the other day. You posted a little inspirational quote?

Yeah, a little on my story because I thought it meant something but it said something to the effect that you know if you're happy all the time something's wrong with Agreed. Agreed. And then he goes into this thing about, you know, if you're going to change the world or make the world a better place, it involves doing a lot of things that make people unhappy. And that's just life. That's living. And so it really kind of touched me that he said that. So I don't put quotes like that on my story very much. I'm very cognizant of the backlash from the women that I've had it about inspirational, about feeling good about something, about being positive, but every now and then,

I'll drift out into the abyss and do it. And so this was one of those occasions that I thought was appropriate for what you girls were saying about. If you're walking around happy all the time, you're doing it wrong. Yes, and I will say this as well. If you identify with something we've had it with, laugh it yourself.

We laugh at ourselves all the time. I'm a complete nut, she's a nut. He's been to rehab five times, okay? We've- I knew we would get it in here. He's been to rehab five times, okay? We've I knew we would get it I knew it We've just have the ability to laugh at yourself a few episodes ago somebody was talking about Painting line showing yeah, I've on these cute little ivory almost, you know like cute little pants today

I turned around and liked it myself in the mirror totally can see my thong and you know what? I thought we just did an episode of her having that. And I'm offending today, right on the podcast. So quit getting so but hurt about what two, one middle aged woman and one almost middle aged woman say on the worldwide web quit taking us seriously. But I will say this, if you get but hurt and uncomfortable, you're probably in a Sendler call out racism or homophobia or fascism if I can sit there and get uncomfortable all day long because that is the hill and the only hill that we die on. And go affect yourself. Yeah. In other words, we die on decency. That's just being a decent fucking person. It shouldn't have to die on that hill, but that's right.

Okay. I want to, I want to visit something that got quite a bit of traction on the internet. I got a lot of DMs about this. I got a lot of follow-up on this. And it is when we were in Italy, and let me make my case before y'all step into it. It is when we were in Italy and Josh and my Darling nephew Joey were feeling Italian, they're feeling Euro. They went and bought some Italian swim suits. Here we call them Speedos and They put them on and we went to the island of Iskia and jumped off the ocean off the boat swimming the ocean. It was a wonderful day And this is how the demographic breakdown of this win. Game-In loved it, all right?

Middle-aged women were kind of confused by it. It's... You're a pians. Couldn't even understand that it was even a fucking issue. And the youth didn't care at all, okay? So that was it was it was fun. I loved it. Pumps was the most troubled by it. Trouble. We'll get to that in a second. But after this photograph was taken, my nephew's wife was doing some Photoshop and filtering to the image before I posted it. And she just casually asked, Josh, do you man-scape? So I think that got up there and set in his craw for quite some time.

So this past weekend I was in Arizona with my friend Liz. Josh calls me and he says, I have a huge announcement today. And I said, what is your announcement? And he says, I'm man-scape today. And I said, what is your announcement? And he says, I'm man-scaped today. And I said, well, what brought this on? Well, he tells me about the comment from my niece, Madison, about the landscaping. And he's the most groomed man I know. But he hasn't neglected the pubic area for the entire course of our relationship. So's right.

So I asked him where he got this, and this is where I'm going to let him take over because this is, it gets really good here. And I want you to walk me through the psychology of the story you selected and paint that whole picture of your first quote unquote journey to man's gaping. Okay. Well, for those listeners who didn't think I was gay before this episode, well, now, certainly, I've won you over. Yes. So, I, like Jennifer said, Madison brought this to my attention about seeing things that could be manicured a little bit better

had some loose feathers and it really kind of stuck with me. So Jennifer was out of town and I can be somewhat manic kind of OCD about certain things like if I want to do something it's like the weight of the world has come up on me and I have to go do this thing now And so I thought you know, I think I've got a free Saturday ahead of me Jennifer's in Arizona The boys are doing their own thing. I think I'm on a man's gang I think this is the perfect it you know, it requires some privacy. So I've got the house to myself. Yeah.

So I did a Google search on like, so what do you buy for something like this? I've never done anything like this in my life. I've never shaped one part of my pubic area under my arm, my chest, my back, nothing ever. I had zero knowledge about it. Right. So I do a Google search and there's stuff you can order online and I see the Best Buy carries the brand, the actual brand man scape. Get in my car, drive up to Best Buy. And right when I go through the very, you know, first doors that open, I say, do you all have like

razors for grooming or man? I didn't know exactly what to say. And the guy points me back and he goes, yeah, you see that guy back there, he's right next to it. So I walk back there and there's this big heavily tatted dude that's wearing the blue best by shirt. And I go, do you all have razors to shave your pubic areas

and that's what I'm saying? Do you all have razors to shave your pubic areas? How about you, what's that? How about where's the man's skate product? I want to remind everybody he's at Best Buy. Some at Best Buy. But here's the interesting part of it. This guy who's heavily tatted, wearing his Best Buy shirt, he's probably 35. He jumps right in without any hesitation, he goes, yeah, come over here and goes

This is the one I have, you know, and he's pointing at it talking about he owns this one And so then I start asking him questions about I can only imagine the questions about like link Do you put a guard on do you take it all the way down? Do you like square it off? You know how do you take it all the way down, do you like square it off? You know, how do you get the hairs on the testicles? Like, do you raise the hairs and then- No, you're asking the best bug on it. Yeah, so he and I are going for a bun. And he's not even, but the thing about it is he's showing zero reluctance to keep going like he's like Oh, yeah, dude. I mean you got to do this or you got to do that

He lift up your balls when you do it. What he said? Yeah, so that said that and you put the guard over the testicle And that's what gets the pair off the test goal. There's many many ways to do it But I didn't know any of this stuff When I was talking to this guy. And so the fact that he so freely discussed it with me helped me come back and then I landscaped. And I mean, the only thing I would say about it is I took it down pretty tight.

I mean, it scared me a little bit. I mean, it brought back like, you know, a year old Josh. What I got home from Arizona. Of course he had told me on the phone. I was like, well, where'd you get the landscaping equipment? And he said, best buy. I'm just beside myself. And I'm like, what made you go to best buy?

I mean, out of all of the places, I was thinking like Sephora, but when I got home and I finally got a view for myself It was rather alarming The different of a groom. Well, that's like what happened to me at the pool that time when I accidentally Screwed up and shaved my entire beef after a fourth of the lie holiday Yeah, and then the next day I sat down on the toilet and I was like Exactly, I mean it's like shocking. It's scary. It feels kind of uncomfortable looking at it. Looking at it.

So no, it didn't really itch, but the thing that none of the instructions address and that if I ever get really into this thing, where I want to go into issues and stuff like that, no one tells you the proper amount of shaking to do. The pattern, the pattern, the the pattern or the guards and how much they'll take off. So I went with what I thought was a pretty conservative guard. I am bald ass neck it down here. Like ball is an equal. Yeah, it's the opposite of the 70s bush. It is a 2000 silk version of skin.

So first of all, I want to say this, how serendipitous that the first time you ever man-scaved, you go to Best Buy. A pretty much place, Best Buy. The best buy is kind of a heterosexual male. I'm gonna go buy a TV and a subwoofer type joint. You go into Best Buy and you ask a sales associate in the blue Best Buy shirt.

And he's telling, not only telling you what to purchase, but he's actually telling you how to remove hair from your balls. Yeah. Tiss, what it did. That's rather serendipitous. But I do think what we can have the listener weigh in on this is you've got a Brazilian, you know, which means you're bald and that's what you're currently

here. And maybe we could have some of our male listeners relay to you, maybe some patterns. Some patterns and how long? I like a landing strip. I have a little bit of a landing strip because Josh wants to know that he's having, and of course with a woman, that has some hair down there. So it's very grim, but there is a slight landing strip.

The girls that work for me that are younger, all Brazilian. It's all Brazilian. So what we need to know, what from men is, where is a happy medium, like my little landing strip? Yeah, there's two things I wanna say about this.

Number one, I thoroughly enjoyed getting my sort of blue collar education about how to man skate. Your first time, you had a really good person. Like he did a very good job. Secondly, don't kid yourself that if there is a Gucci fucking man's base store. You would have been the first one here.

In Oklahoma City or even within two to three hours. Even in Dallas, if they had a Gucci man's base store, I would have been there. I don't know that you would have been there. For your first one. For that service. You wouldn't have gotten that service. No, that's why I say I have no like remorse about my exchange at Best Buy. It's one of the best things that's happened to me.

I'd say the last 13 days. It's a highlight. It's certainly what's great. Here's what I want to know. Did he give you any tips on what patterns are out there for men? He said he showed me one of the guards because we pulled it out of the package and it came with two different guards. You could put on a package.

Yeah. We unpackaged it. He said, I use this guard and I said, how often do you do it? He said he does it like maybe twice a week. Oh, so he keeps his tie and tie. He keeps the tie and tie. But I didn't realize, I mean, because obviously I didn't see his pubic here. So I didn't realize.

I feel like he got in the bathroom and flashed it out, I would have died. Let me see what that guard does to you. So put your pants down. So I didn't know though, I didn't know when he said that he used that guard, I just didn't know it was gonna be so tight. Because I mean, it is, it's like I'm bald. It's he Brazilian, your friend at Best Buy.

Did we think he's a full blown Brazilian? He has to be if he's using the same guard that he told me to use because, I mean, I'm bare. And, but he did give some good tips about the testicles. And, you know, the only problem was with the shit and the shower, you know, all of that pubic hair was going to him. And so I had to kind of accumulate it

to where it didn't stop at the... Around 50 years of pubic hair is just going down the shower all the time. I know, do it didn't stop up the stopper. Yeah. You have all this hair and stuff stuff. But that's the joy of having that free Saturday just to take a...

You had the whole day to devote to it. To take a free roll at the man's cave. Do you feel like your dick looks bigger? It does. Yeah. No, it really does. I mean, and I'm not just saying that. I mean, all guys are gonna say, hey, my dick looks bigger, but it really does look bigger.

Or you like, God, very very very very. Specifically, it looks longer. I don't know that it adds any girth to it, but it definitely adds maybe an inch and a half a length Excellent. Yeah, I'm excited When we first started this podcast people were like you'll have got to have merch and I'm like, okay We can't do merch. We don't know how how on earth are we going to do that and mail it to people and charge them for it and Keep track of all of it like I couldn't even wrap my head around what we were supposed to do.

It's unbelievable how easy Shopify made that for us. Shopify is the commerce platform revolutionizing millions of businesses worldwide. And if two morons like Pumps and I can get on there and set up an account to help get you all merged, You guys can do it too for your businesses. No matter how large or small your business is, Shopify is the perfect fit. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash had it all lower case. Go to Shopify.com slash had it to take your business to the next level today. shopify.com slash had it. Listener, I cannot tell you how worried I was about the safety and well-being of the

star of our show. She was living in a home with zero security system. Thankfully, I got her a simply safe system and had it installed. They've got eyes on an intruder. Agents can confirm to 911 dispatchers that it is real in request a police dispatch. They have advanced motion detection, vision AI, and all sorts of bells and whistles. Pumps, do you feel safer? I feel safer when I'm there and when I'm not there, it's so comforting. And it's very easy to use. Very easy.

Very easy to install. We even figured it out. Right now, I've had it listeners get a special 20% off in a simply safe system when you sign up for fast protect monitoring. This huge offer is for a limited time only. So visit simplysafe.com slash had it that simply safe.com slash had it. There's no safe like simply safe. You know, Pumps, the best thing I've learned from therapy is to not take myself so seriously and also to like prioritize what is a big deal and what isn't. Absolutely.

I have a tendency to make everything a big deal, but really it's not. And it's so helpful to talk to somebody that's a professional to figure that out. Learning how to not sweat the small stuff, which basically our whole podcast is about, you know, laugh at this stuff. Right. Don't sweat it. The greatest thing about therapy now in the technological era is you can do it online and on your own Schedule with a company called BetterHelp. BetterHelp has been so helpful for me and I know that you have also enjoyed your therapist at BetterHelp as well.

Listener, you should discover your potential with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first met. That's better help help.com slash had it. So pumps, I'm always signing up for all these subscriptions. Maybe it's a newspaper article that was behind a paywall and some like, I will have to read it. So I sign up for it. Or it's a podcast that I want to be able to binge sooner. So I sign up for that. Well, it keeps charging you monthly.

And then I think, well, I don't even remember what it is. So how do I even know what I'm paying for? I do it all the time. The worst. Thankfully, I found rocket money and rocket money can cancel a subscription for you that was otherwise tricky and or time consuming. And it's been incredibly helpful. I've eliminated like 10 to 15 subscriptions

that I wasn't even using, and it's many right back in my account. RocketMoney is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. Pumps, if you used it. I have, and I had subscriptions I didn't even know I had.

Subscriptions out the wazoo that nobody's using. Listeners, stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash had it. That's rocketmoney.com slash had it. Rocketmoney.com slash had it. RocketMoney.com slash had it. This has been, I mean, this is podcasting, banking dynamite is what this is. Right. But listener, we also like to hear from you all. And so since we have Josh in studio today with his pubic hair, his Brazilian Wax welch Saun's pubic hair Here at i've had it. We want you to listen to a few of our collars. Josh has Kylie's microphone listener. So don't freak out She's in here and our first Voice memo that we're gonna hear from is from Ethan. I have had it with sports culture Okay, you are not on the team, you are not LeBron James,

you are not Tom Brady, you're not even like the Gatorade dispenser person. So I don't ever want to hear you say we won as if you somehow downing 12 beers and stuffing your face with spinach and our joke dip every game contributed in any capacity to them winning. And then you have the audacity to look at me when I'm screaming at the TV when I'm watching RuPaul's Drag Race. I'm out of here. I've had it. Love you both. Thank you. I love Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. I have to tell you. I'm an offender. Pops. And this goes into the lesbian arc situation is such a fucking nut.

I am that if her team, the Oklahoma Sooners football team, when they lose again, she goes into a depression. I go into morning. Josh Welch went to Oklahoma State University. And he immediately when I you lose is I'm going to call pass. I mean, the last second on the clock has not ticked off and it's my phone ringing and that motherfucker, hey, what do you think about the students? And I'm always like, go fuck yourself, click. In fact, you were like, you're kind of mean to me. I'm like, I mean, you're the one that's calling

and rubbing it in my face. But let's get back to his point. This poor sculpture, no, I agree. And I'm the worst. It is the most obnoxious him rubbing it in my face. But let's get back to his point. He's a sports culture. No, I agree. And I'm the worst. It is the most obnoxious. It is obnoxious. You see people in face paint, people act like their work days

going to be ruined all because these fucking kids fucked up in some game. Right. The world is going to end. It is like kickers, metal. Yeah, well, I think Jennifer and I talked about this few years ago when the OU fans were booing Spencer Ratler. The fans start booing Spencer and I'm not a no-you fan,

but I thought, you know, this is a fucking kid. You know, he's there to study, he's there on a scholarship, he doesn't know what he's gonna be in his world yet. And you've got all these like grown-ass people booing him because he's, you know, throwing in thrown in complete passes I just I think it's bullshit it's total bullshit and so I empathize and inside with the kids like these days and sometimes yes I get pissed off when OSU loses or blah blah blah but you know grow up not the end of the fucking world. Yeah, no, I take me a minute.

I have to commiserate with like other listeners of people that are also heartbroken. I noticed what Ethan is talking about, how people say, are we one and we did that. Right. And I have really probably in the last five years made a concerted effort to say, oh, you won or oh, you lost. Even with the team my son's on, I always say, you know, Luke's team oh, you won or oh, you lost. Even with the team my sons on, I

would say, you know, Luke's team won. Because I don't, I think it's ridiculous for me to act like my presence has impacted the game in any way. It's absurd. I want to respond to Ethan's voice memo from two different positions. Number one is an athlete myself. From the athlete's perspective, you know, position. And then number two, as a fan, an avid tennis fan. And number one, you're completely correct, Ethan. I see all these people that have a resting heart rate of 150 tops sitting down for five hours, that heart

rates at 150. Screaming mad at somebody who is an absolute genetic physical specimen. Right. Doing their absolute very best. And you couldn't even probably walk 10 steps. That irritates the fuck out of me. A. And then B, as an athlete, you're out on the court doing your best. You know, I have a lot of pickable matches all the time. I'm out there doing my best. Every single time I hit the court, I play the best I can, and I don't want any slack from my fans on it, at Chicken and Pickle in Oklahoma City.

And so I get it from both perspectives, Ethan, and I thank you for bringing this to my attention, both as an athlete and a fan of tennis. I'm just glad that you addressed the fans that drive up to chicken and nickels that watch you, so that they know, which actually is a couple of the waiters. Right. They watch some of the points. If they see something they don't like, they do a pretty good job of, you know, keeping internalizing it and not being vocal about their favorite athlete. And they'll say stuff like it's okay, just reset your brain, just start over. I understand.

Yeah. His I've had it from, you know, from both positions. Got you. And so I appreciate it as an athlete and as a fan. Ethan, thank you so much for advocating for athletes like myself in LeBron James. That is, I appreciate that. The biggest false equivalence here. I think I've ever heard in my life. I appreciate that. So next we're going to hear from Alexandria Beret. Hey, bitches. So what I've had it with is pumps. Okay. So you're just going to act like our date didn't even happen that we didn't fall madly in love with pups. Okay, so you're just gonna act like our date didn't even happen that we didn't fall madly in love with each other.

Like, okay, you're a liar. I touched the Sagan dragons. I even complimented your men's fucking flip flops. So, you know, I guess none of that even matters and it's just, I've had it. I've had it with you, pumps. OK, love you, bye. Sounds like somebody has some explaining to do.

No, I can't think of who that would be. I'm sure you can't. I really can't. I'm sure you can. Was it a live show? Did you? Before you on Ambien? No.

Did you have a lesbian experience? No, I didn't. No, I would know. Somebody's touching those dragons. Yeah, but like if somebody went like that, I didn't. No, I would know. Somebody's touching those dragons. Yeah, but like if somebody went like that, I wouldn't think anything about it. Yeah. I know, but apparently she thought it meant something to her. Right. And so for that, I feel badly that I didn't remember, but you're out there breaking women's hearts with these titties. Just just they are not heartbreak worthy, I'm sure everyone.

Let me touch them and then just dumping them. It's a touch and dump. Yeah, I don't remember any, I mean, definitely not. Pumps, it's your- But I apologize. Yeah, that's not, you don't remember it either. That's even worse. That's even worse.

All this lesbian activity, she doesn't really quite remember. It's gonna happen. And- I'm just saying, listener. doesn't really quite remember. It's going to happen. And I'm just saying, listener, I'm saying the every single as this whole thing builds on the corroborating evidence just piles up. It's like a snowball going down, you know, Mount Everest, all the buildup. I would definitely remember if I had a lesbian experience and I would definitely report it immediately. Well, I think that this is another way to look at it.

Okay. What to her felt like a lesbian experience to you just felt normal because you were lesbian. Yeah, but it would have to have been like a, like a brush across. I would remember if somebody, does this feel lesbian-ish to you? Yeah, I mean, not lesbian,

but like if you were like trying to readjust me or something, I wouldn't think it was weird. Does this feel like lesbian now? It doesn't, because you're lesbian. It feels natural. Yeah, it's natural. Okay, listener. I mean, we have tackled so many fantastic things today.

The feedback we need from you all, we discussed earlier regarding patterns for man-scaping, man-scaping patterns. This is a very under-talked about subject. I agree, and I want- Especially for a metro-sexual like Josh that traffic's in metro-sexual circles. I agree 100% and I do want some feedback from the listeners.

Do I seem more manly on this episode or do I still seem gay? Because I mean, there's a huge gay vibe that I'm giving up. Maybe they have a crush on you. Take it as a compliment. I don't know, but I mean, feel free to jump in and say he's totally gay, Jennifer, or he can say, hey, no, he's not. He's a man. He's a man's man.

He's what the best by do. I can't believe it took you this long to man scape now that I think about it. That's what I you know what? I never thought about it until he called me. It said I man scape and then I was like, first of all, of course you did. But then secondly, I was like, how have you neglected this? Right. Have you groomed every particle of your body at nausea? I mean, it's an obsession. It's amazing. That's really the shocker.

That is the shocker. Let me just put it like this though. I mean, when you're grappling, sobriety, man-scaping, I've got sobriety by the balls. Man-scaping took me down. It's no tear. Until I was on the Amalfi coast and Madison's like, wow, but now that I've conquered both man-scaping

and sobriety, it is tap, tap, tap. I mean, but now that I've conquered both man's gaping in, sobriety, it is tap, tap, tap. I mean, you're ready to rock and roll. Oh, listen, or listen, or thank you so much for joining us. Rule number one, don't take us very seriously. Right. Rule number two, go to Apple. Five stars.

Josh would love to read some five star reviews about his sexuality and man's gaping abilities. Go ahead and just put that in the permanent record on Apple reviews and go to the link in our bio, the hot shit tour you to knock it off. Hot shit tour is coming to a city near you. The link is in the bio each month. We're announcing new cities. We are having an absolute blast with this. And so much fun. It really is. Oh my gosh. We started the documentary. Yes.

Yes. Every Wednesday on Patreon, we are covering documentaries. We have hard hitting psychoanalysis and journalism from Pumps and Me, which is nothing short of a jet stream of bullshit, but it's good shit. We love documentaries. So please join us on Patreon. There's one new episode that drops every Wednesday and Other than that pumps tell them see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both

So sing along I'm Keelah Bristol host of Off the Vine podcast where I get real. Maybe a little too real sometimes, with my friends and Celeb guests from Bachelor Franchise and Beyond. I'm talking guests like Jonathan Vaness. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Nikki Glazer, Wells Adams, Elise Myers. She's like in this like business jacket, like I would love.

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We're all just floating on this weird little planet together. Follow, rate, and review off the vine podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.